"Zambia loves escalators, just don't be gay" - TREVOR NOAH (It's My Culture)

I did go to Zambia though. Fantastic place Zambia. Went there, visited the place and had a good time. While I was there I had a chaperone who really made my trip. His name was Alinani, sweet guy. And his job was to get me accustomed to the Zambian culture. And every day he would give me a new piece of information, some more interesting than others. Like one day he looks at me and goes, “Trevor, you know Zambia is a very, very conservative nation. I said, “Oh, okay Ali. He says, “Yea, so please stay away from profanity.”. And I said I can do that, I assumed he meant swearing.

But I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure if he meant a person or swearing. No, no, because in Zambia people have names like Profanity. So, that’s how I laughed when I met Screwdriver. It’s the same way I laughed. Yea, because you see. In South Africa we have African names you can translate. Like Happiness, Blessing and Hope. Those kinds of names. But then in Zambia. People give their names, like they give their children names. of everyday English words, anything. So like, table, chair, car, house.

You see, like you just have to get used to it. It’s very hard, but you have to keep a straight face. Which was difficult because I met a mechanic, who had sons named Brake and Clutch. And that was not, especially when Brake was running around causing chaos. And his dad was there like, “stop it Brake, stop it Brake, stop it, stop it Brake. And I was like, “Hey, stop it Brake. Ha Ha.”. But you have to get used to it, it’s a cultural thing. And so, you have to respect it. And the second warning Ali gave me, was even stranger.

We are driving thru Lusaka, the capital. And Ali looks over at me in the car and goes, “Trevor, you know here in Zambia we are a very God loving nation.”. I said, “Oh, ok Ali. That’s a good thing to know.”. He says, “Yes, so while you are here don’t be gay.”. I said, “What?”. He says, “I know it can be tempting sometimes but don’t do it.”. “Don’t be gay.”. “Don’t be gay?”. I have never been warned of this in my life, don’t be gay?

“Hey bru, don’t be gay. Don’t be gay.”. “Don’t be gay?”. Crazy, crazy warning to get. But then I found out why Ali was warning me. Turns out in Zambia being gay is illegal. If you are found to be gay. you will be arrested and sent to prison. for more than thirty years, yea. Which is a bit of a weird punishment.

When you think about it. I mean I am not saying that gay guys would enjoy prison, I am just saying if I was gay. That’s not the worst thing you could do to me. They would be like, “you are going to jail!”. I would be like, “Oh no.”. Don’t be gay? I couldn’t believe this, gay is a crime in Zambia. Which got me thinking. If gay is a crime, that means the police have to monitor it.

They actually have to police gay. Yeah. Which means in their police force, they have a gay division. It’s a crime, it’s a crime. So that means they have a murder unit, a robbery unit, a white collar crimes unit. And then they got a gay unit. Yea, they have got a little G unit in their police force. That’s responsible for all things gay. That must be the most fun police force to be in, in the world. You get to go under cover, dress up really nice. Get in touch with your flamboyant side, have a good time.

I bet the sergeant’s there every morning, briefing his detectives. “Good morning Detectives.”. “Welcome everybody, today we will be launching a sting operation.”. “We have just been informed of a fashion show that will be taking place.”. “And as you know, the gays cannot resist the latest fashion trends.”. “Therefore we will be in full attendance to apprehend each and every one of them.”. “Let us make sure we are here.”. “Detective Chepoa?”. “Present!”. “Detective Table?”.

“Present!”. “Detective Mongai?”. “Present!”. “I think he's in too deep.”. How do you police gay? Do they stop you if you look suspiciously gay in the streets? I mean, gay doesn’t have a look. But maybe you have a bounce about you, like a bit of pizazz. Do the police pull up there and is like, *police siren* “You, over there!”.

“What is the purpose of that flamboyant scarf?”. “Put your hands up!”. “Turn around! Don’t tempt me, don’t tempt me!”. “You are going to jail.”. How do you police gay? Do they have roadblocks? Like for drunk driving? Do they have gay roadblocks? They are just like stopping people in they’re cars. “Good evening Officer”. “Good evening Sir”. “License Please?”.

“Thank you very much, Mr. Stylish. Hey?”. “Tell me Sir, have you been gay this evening?”. “No, I have not been gay. In fact, I don’t gay at all.”. “I see, not even one or two?”. “No, No. No gays for me. No gays for me.”. “Okay”. “Then tell me Sir.” *sniffing*. “What is that I can smell on your breath?”. “Is that balls?”. “No, no, no, I”.

“I don’t even eat Chutney, No”. “A ha”. “So you are not gay?”. “No, not gay at all”. “Then Sir, can you please blow into this?”. Ahh. Don’t be gay. I was not gay while I was in Zambia, so I had a good time. Went around and saw the people.

The highlight of my trip came when on my day off. I asked Ali for suggestions. Ali said to me, “Maybe you should travel around Lusaka, meet some of the people”. “just have a good time.”. I said to Ali I want to do something special. He said, “Oh well, in that case”. “Maybe you can go to the Mall and if you are lucky”. “maybe you can ride the escalators.”. I said, “What?”. “Hey, I am not promising anything”. “but if you are early, maybe you can go once or twice.”. I said, “Escalators?”. “I know, mind-blowing ha?”.

I thought he was messing with me. Until I found out people in Zambia go to the mall. just to ride the escalators. It seems ridiculous until you understand the backstory. When we were in Zambia there were only five public escalators. Five, in the whole country. The first escalator was built in August. Not August 19??

No, no. You remember August. Past August? They built they’re first escalators, ever. Yea, and so now it is all the rage. People go to the Mall just to ride escalators. But now, I don’t want you to picture some dusty village. That’s not what Zambia is, it’s a beautiful place. They are developing just as we are, they have roads. They got airports, the have beautiful hotels. Stunning shopping Malls. They’ve got everything we got, even faster internet. The have just never had escalators. And now they started building them. And because of that people go there, and they just spend a day riding escalators.

Yea, Dads will go home and fetch their children. “Children, we are going to the Mall.”. “To do what Daddy?”. “To do shopping, and to ride the escalators!”. “Yay!”. We couldn’t believe this so we went to the Mall, right. We get to the Mall. The Mall is empty. Escalators are packed! People are standing in lines going around, doubling back on themselves. There’s old people, young people, even couples. There were couples. Guys that actually picked up woman by saying: “I am going to take you to the escalator girl.”.

“Oh, you are so fancy hey?”. Escalators. Some people didn’t even know how to ride the escalators. Kids were easy, they just jumped on. Old people would panic. There was one guy who got on the escalator, and it was going up. And I guess to compensate for something in his mind, as it went up. He started leaning. He fell down! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. He was hurt so badly. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. Oh, it was fantastic to watch.

We spent like three hours doing this, watching people riding escalators. And you know what? Our patience paid off, because in hour three the most fantastic thing happened. A school brought a class of children to the Mall. And their excursion was just to ride the escalators. It was magic. Thirty kids, about five years old. Cutest things, they were in their black and white uniforms. And they are standing there together holding hands. And they were so excited, they were shining.

Not from excitement, they had Vaseline. And there is two teachers with the children, and they grab their hands on either end. And in a long train they start marching through the Mall. And as they do the start singing at the top of their lungs like little angels. “Escalator”. “Escalator”. “Escalator”. “Oh, Oh, Ohhhhhhoh Escalator”.

“Escalator”. It was the sweetest thing ever. People are waving at them, smiling. And these kids see the escalators. And they lost, their minds. These kids went crazy. They’re not holding hands, they start screaming and running around. It looked like a zombie movie, or something. They are jumping, but then you see the smiles on their faces. It’s like the end of Saraphina. You are like, “What the hell is going on here?”. These kids are screaming. They are jumping around doing cartwheels. The teacher can’t control them. She’s panicking like,

“Hey! Get back! Get Back!”. “Two-by-two! Two-by-two!”. Two-by two was one of the kids, I didn’t know. She’s like, “Two-by-Two! Next to me, next to me! Single file, single file!”. Other kids are still jumping, she can’t control them. There was one fat kid. He couldn’t jump so he just shook himself. “Escalator!”. “Escalator!”. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life.

It's like I had gone in a time machine. to a time when escalators were new. Brand new. and popular. So popular... that people were taking pictures of the escalators. using their iPhones! Technology eh? Ah ah ah! Who even thinks of these things eh? Can you imagine? Eh we are in the future now my man! Mechanical moving stairs ah? What are we going to see next? I don't even know, I don't even know! I wonder how it works, ah!? Let me just check...

Siri, how does an escalator work? I don't know.