"White People Can't March" - Trevor Noah - (There's A Gupta On My Stoep)

That's why I love coming home. I get to see the stories from a different angle, I get to enjoy it all. I am so happy to be back but everything has flipped on it’s head. Two years, you know guys going away for two years is not a long time. and you come back to South Africa and everything has flipped on it’s head. I went away for two years, I come back. and white people are on strike. I thought it was a Leon Shuster sketch. In the street, white people, marching.

and immediately you are like these people have no experience. No experience what so ever. and white people I am not trying to minimize your pain in any way. but I am just going to say when watching it on the news. it doesn’t have the same gravity of the march. of black people and colored people and Indian people in South Africa. because when people of color in South Africa march you can see they want service delivery. when white people march it looks like you are fighting for vitality points.

it’s just not the same. and then I saw white people got offended. because they said we are going to launch a march. Zuma must go! Zuma must fall! We want him gone! and then black people didn’t join. and white people are like why don’t they join us? Ja why won’t they join hey? because it’s racism.

we are marching for this country and they don’t want to march with us. because it’s racism that why they don’t want to join us. No, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. if black people are not joining your march it’s not because of racism. it’s because of rhythm. I saw white people protesting and I was like. even if I was on your side. I can not participate in that.

the best white marchers South Africa had. was three old white ladies. who had the worst struggle song I have ever heard in my life. sounded like a lullaby converted into a struggle anthem. Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go!

Yo, I can’t march to that guys. I don’t even know where to begin. you realize marches are all about rhythm, right? ten present of every march is the issue ninety present is the beat. when black people march you need to encourage other people to join. along the way you need to pick up stragglers. just some people who get into the rhythm as you move past. some people are just there as you walk past.

*People Striking*. People are joining. people are joining. It’s got power! you guys, black people are marching from Soweto to Pretoria. you need a march that will move you. every stride has purpose in it.

*People striking*. moving! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! guys we are not even getting to Craighall like that. No chance.

Marching with that song to Pretoria. by the time we get there Zuma's left by him self. Chilling there in his house in Dubai. Laughing. *Zuma Lauging*. "Did they only arrive. just now". I was watching white people going but why? Why you marching? What you guys doing?

Hey, now you want to do the hard work. Just pay someone like usual. This is when you should be paying. Just get a professional, a specialist. Just be there, "Johannes?". "I have a lot of grudges with this country. and I have noticed that you have impeccable rhythm. and so I would like to hire your services.". "I got you. what's your feeling?". "I just want them to know that Zuma must go". "Okay, got it.". *Marching*.

"That's what I wanted to do.". Hire a specialist people, get it done. That song will get you nowhere. It's a frustrating time though man. The Gupta's came and shook South Africa up. turned things upside down. made us question who we are as a people.

I was gone for two years, I came back and I will tell you now. the racial tension is palpable, you can feel it. all of the sudden everyone is looking at each other in a different light. You are like damn, Mc Kenzy did a good job. Because don’t get me wrong South Africa wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t like this. You know 2010 had us in a different feeling. We had rhythm, we had a plan. and then all of the sudden it fell apart, now we are looking at each other. with shifty eyes. Separated. Gupta's did a good job.

People are angry and I understand why, you know? but sometimes I think people's anger get's out of hand. like I saw people. fighting because the Gupta's had a wedding at Sun City. and at that wedding they only hired white people to serve them. and people where like, they are racist! they are racist! Okay, maybe they are racist. or. maybe. the Gupta's are doing. what every black person dreams of doing when they get enough money.

and that is white people having to work for you. Which black man in this audience cant say he doesn’t remember the first time he went to a restaurant? and he was sitting there. some white guy came up to the table, "Good afternoon gentlemen, can I help you with anything?". "Oh yeah we are just waiting for the waiter, you can send him over.". No, gents. My name is Johnny, I am going to be serving you guys today.

Oh, you are the waiter? you are the guy serving us? That’s correct guys. Oh wow, look at that. Well in that case Johnny. lets start with the specials menu please. just riddle it off, riddle it off. Okay guys we have a gazpacho on the menu, really fantastic. We have also got a seafood salad that’s really impeccable. On the dessert side the chef is doing something different with the creme brule.

and then our special line fish of the day is going to be a hake lightly grilled. Okay, thank you very much, just give us a moment to chat about it. See you in a bit Johnny. Thank you very much guys. Hey, can you believe it huh? Can you believe it, on my beck and call. Watch this. Hey, Johnny, Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Yeah, whats going on guys? Uh, nothing. Carry on, carry on. This is power.