Trevor Noah - Most Viewed Videos of 2019

I never thought I would say this but Kim Jong-un. up against Donald Trump is a strange situation because you don’t know who the crazy person is. Kim Jong-un actually released a statement. the leader of North Korea, he released a statement. saying Donald Trump is a psychopath. I can not work with him, do you know how insane that is? for him to send a message about Donald Trump. Where he is just like, guys I am wild. But I mean I can’t , I don’t know. This guy. and Donald is crazy. People ask me all the time, they go like Trevor come on.

You are not being serious. I meet South Africans they go like. Trevor come on man, Donald can't be that crazy man hey? Come on you gotta give him a bit of credit, something. Guys, that guy is crazy. Then they be like, is he like really that stupid in real life? Then you like, yeah. Is he stupid like Malema and them? Then I am like no, guys, guys. Julius is smart, don’t play those games. I know people get tricked by Julius Malema and Jacob. Those guys are smart. Especially Jacob Zuma, people get fooled by him. Because he’s got that cute vibe.

Always giggling he, he, he, he. That guy is a master tactician. Look now, vote of no confidence. Survived again. People are shocked, how did he do it? How did he do it? If you watch Days of Our Lives he is the Stefano Dimera of this game. Everyday he wakes up looking in the mirror going. Like sands through the hourglass. So are the Days. of Our Lives he, he, he, he, he.

A lot of people make that mistake, I have realized people make that mistake. You think our politicians are stupid. Maybe it’s because of how they speak, maybe it’s because of how they sound. And Jacob Zuma’s smart. Jacob Zuma was the head of Intelligence for the ANC during the struggle. Jacob Zuma started the chess team on Robben Island. A lot of people don’t know that, he started the chess team. That’s why he is so good at moving the cabinet around.

Because he is a horse. Check. Donald Trump is not like that. One thing I will say about Jacob Zuma. Catch him in a corner, ask him anything about policy. That guy will rattle it off, he may not know how to read. But he knows what he is talking about. Donald Trump has no clue. About any policy what-so-ever. He knows nothing about Geopolitics, he knows nothing about his healthcare. Every time Donald Trump answers a question you know he doesn’t know the answer.

Because he answers it like he is a contestant in one of his own beauty pageants. Because that’s how he answers it. Every time you see Donald Trump on T.V you can see he is making it up as he is going along. They will be like, Mr. President can you tell us about your healthcare roll out. and how preexisting conditions are going be covered? I know. We are going to have so much coverage folks, the best coverage. All the coverage. I’m gonna get it, all of it. It’s gonna be so good, great. Some people even say, the best.

But how is it going to work? It’s gonna work, it’s just gonna work folks. It’s gonna work, it’s gonna be done. I am gonna do it. It’s gonna be done. And the people in South Africa. And Iraq and the countries. And health, and insurance. And we are going to do all the things healthy, with the money. And also Thank you.

Donald Trump is losing his mind. saying the craziest things. We're gonna build a wall. and Mexico is going to pay for it. I love how Mexico says, we ain’t paying for shit man! We might build your wall but we ain’t paying for it man. Stupid! Donald Trump's just doing his own thing.

everything seems to be going wrong for him. now he's getting ready to start a war. launch a nuclear weapon. North Korea, they will know. fire and fury. fury and fire. Fast and Furious. Tokyo Drift. like no one's ever seen. this guy's gonna blow up the world people.

his not having a good time. I correct people all the time, I go look man. say what you want about Jacob Zuma. he knows his policy. it doesn’t mean his getting things right. doesn’t mean he's doing the correct things. but he knows his policy. you can't say thy are the same. and say what you want about Jacob Zuma. but he knows how to handle his ladies. Yeah. He doesn’t have any problems there. Donald Trump walking around in public.

his wife smacking his hand away (smack). In public, do you know how embarrassing that was? Donald Trump was there trying to hold Melania's hand. She just slapped it away, he tried to grab it and she. (smack). and then the second time he tried to grab it. and she just did like a little thing. and everyone was like, are they okay? are they fighting? I was like yea, of course they’re fighting they’re having a horrible time. a completely horrible time. you don’t even need to see the video of the hands to know they’re having a bad time.

I have had a theory for a long time about Donald Trump and his wife. are not in a happy relationship. and I don’t want to start any rumors but I have noticed this. I have noticed it in they’re speeches. every time Donald Trump or Melania speaks. it seems like they are throwing shade at each other. they are giving a speech but they are actually talking trash about the spouse. every time, all you have to do is listen to the subtext of what they are saying. for instance, Melania Trump came out. She made a speech about her platform as first lady in America.

every first lady gets to choose what they’re dream job is going to be. what they are going to be doing to help the country. Michelle Obama says she is going to help kids get healthy meals and workout. Melania Trump came out and what does she choose? she came out and nobody forced her and she was like. as first lady. I believe we need to fight. against the cyber bullying. all the people on twitter who are saying the bad things. we need to stop them.

we need to make sure they cannot carry on what they are doing. I was like, do you know your husband lady? and now I realize she was doing it on purpose. they were having a fight. she probably got home that night. dropped her keys on the table. Donald Trump was sitting in the living room. turned on the lights. Hi Melania. I saw what you said about me.

on the news it was very not nice. Oh, Hello Donald. I didn’t see you sitting over there. I thought you were watching the cartoons. You know I was watching the news Melania. I watch all the news. fake news. so what are you going to do about it Donald?

you want a war you’ve got a war. I’m gonna get you Melania you are going to pay. do your worst Donald. Oh it’s on. I am the best at worst. the next day he came out. gave a speech, what did he say? We’ve got to get rid of all these immigrants folks! all these immigrants needs to leave this country! your move Melania.

She went to a woman’s conference. We need to stop sexual assault. the men who are grabbing the ladies. without the permission, we need to. I was like yo, you need to sort your shit out at home man! I remember the worst encounter I had with the T.S.A was out here in Burbank, California. Tiny little airport, I was flying out and I was coming to New York. And so I am in Burbank airport and I go through security. And for some reason I was beeping, I don’t know why. I walked to the metal detector. And I beep, go out, beep, go out, beep. Every time I have to take something of when I beep and the agent, he’s just losing it.

The whole time he’s like, “take it off, take it off”. And then the machine goes beep and he’s like, “take that off, take that off!”. “take that off!”, and he’s like getting more and more angry. I am basically naked right now and he’s losing it, losing it. I felt like an under performing stripper, it was horrible. He’s like, “take that, no, ahhh!”. And finally he’s just like, “get out here, get out here!”. So I walk to the side and he’s like, “go ahead and put your hands up”. So I put my arms up. Then he whipped out his little metal, personal metal detector. It looks like a midget sword, but they call it the wand. That’s what they call it, the wand. So he whips that out.

Because that hundred thousand dollar machine, that’s play, play. Shit just got real. So he looks at me and says: ”go ahead and stick your hands up sir and keep them right there”. So I put my arms up and he scans me. (Scanner). “You got any, you got any metal objects on you?”.

I was like. “then what was that for?”. “If you are going to ask me anyway, then what was this?”. “The foreplay to my honesty, what is this?”. And then as if he can’t do this right, he calls for backup. He goes, “I’m gonna need you to wait right here”. “Can we get Velasquez, Velasquez to gate 10”. And he calls for a man, by the name Velasquez .

Who I am assuming was the best wander that they had. Because he wasn’t even on the floor. They called for him and Velasquez emerged. From the back offices of the T.S.A. And he walked out, and the energy changed. People bowed their heads as he walk past. Everyone gave him a little nod. You could see he was special, and he didn’t look it, he didn't look like much. Velasquez was a little Mexican man.

Very long mustache, big chest. And he was very short, really, really short guy. But he didn’t feel short. He looked short but he didn’t feel short, do you know what I mean? Like he had this thing. You know those short people that are so confident? It looks like they just chose to grow low. He had that energy. So Velasquez walks down towards where I am standing with my agent. My guy tries to apologize, like, “I don’t know what’s going on”.

He silenced him with one move of his hand like, “No, I go”. He stepped up and looked me in the eye. He’s like, “Sir”. “Spanish jibberish”. And I didn’t know what he was saying. But I knew what he meant. And so I stood there. I raised my arms. And as I did, he whipped out his wand. And he started using it all over me,

And as soon as he did, I knew why he was who he was. It was the most magical thing I have ever come across in my life. The way he wielded that wand was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I felt like I was being blessed, I just stood there with my head down. Because he went all over me, just blessing me with his power. It was something special. It was almost like a force, an energy. On the outside you still heard that beeping *beeping*. But in my head I heard a lightsaber, that's what I heard. *Lightsaber sounds*.

Because he was, he was to me. A little Mexican Jedi. That’s exactly what he was, he was my Mexican Jedi. Which by the way I feel would be a welcome addition to the Star Wars franchise. I am a big fan, a huge fan of Star Wars. I love Star Wars. I was super excited when I found out they were making another one. I was losing my mind.

I went back, watched all the movies. And I came to realize that there’s no Mexican Jedi’s. Not one Mexican Jedi. Which is weird because when you look at it, technically speaking. Technically speaking. Star Wars is a vision of America. In a distant future. So. Surely it would be safe to say. Judging by the current trajectory. Of Mexican people in America.

I’m sure we would be safe to say by that time. In a galaxy far, far away. There would be at least one, just one Mexican Jedi. It’s not like it would spoil the story, it could open up a whole new avenue. Can you imagine how different that epic scene between Luke and Darth could have been? Them battling it out on the Death Star. The moment of realization. *Lightsaber sounds*. *heavy breathing* “Luke”.

*Lightsaber sound* “what do you want you evil man!”. *heavy breathing* “Luke”. *Lightsaber sound* “what do you want from me!”. *heavy breathing* “No, look man, look”. “It’s your father, man”.

But the pilots, the pilots are calm, they're cool you know, you get into the air. they start making useless announcements that you don’t even care about, just to give you that feeling that he knows what he's doing. you get up there as the seat belt lights go *sound of seat belt light*. "Ladies and gentlemen as you may have noticed we have reached our cruising altitude". "currently sitting at 23 000 feet above sea level.". "Cruising at about 720km an hour in this Boeing 737". "one of the favorite planes in the star _______________ _______________________". "beautiful sunny day up here, we might encounter a few bumps but nothing to hectic".

"the cabin crew will be taking care of you.". "In the front we've got Esmeralda and Jonathan and in the rear Simon and Tsitseng and Verera.". "They will be taking care of you and if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.". "I'll let you know once we've begun our descent,". "until then please enjoy your flight, thank you.". *sound of intercom switching off* and you are like, "Oh yeah, pilot yeah!". "my guy, my guy! Pilot!". It's cool, it's cool. I just don’t like the fact that they never let you know when something's gone wrong.

It freaks me out because they are trained to keep you calm no matter what's going on. and I noticed this because we hit turbulence, coming into Johannesburg, there where hectic storms. and the plane started shaking, and you know it wasn’t like calm turbulence. You know, its that turbulence where people's knuckles get white when they are holding they're. you know, because you know people try and act natural in the plane. They will be like *Humming*. and then they get to a point where they like. and that point comes where like everyone in the plane is panicking. everyone except the air hostesses, they are amazing. I love how they do it, you know.

like you will hit the turbulence, you will be like *sound of turbulence*. Things are falling, the bags are hitting the sides of the compartments. *sound of turbulence*. People are panicking except for the hostesses, they just move through naturally. It's freaky, its almost like the lower half is not connected to the upper body. because they will just carry on, they will be like. "yes, yes you guys". "would you guys like some coffee? Yeah, okay". "there you go, be careful its hot". "thank you, alright then.". "anything for you sir, huh?". "Yeah, okay". "okay then, just pass me an apple juice".

"alright, thank you very much". "there you go, would you like some ice? No ice, thank you.". I don’t know how they do it. and then the pilot has the nerve to come on in the middle of the biggest storm ever. the plane is shaking, the wings are tilting slightly upwards. You think you are going to die, it's like *sound of turbulence*. People are screaming, it's like *sound of turbulence*. *intercom switching on* *Sound of turbulence*. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have encountered some slight turbulence. "we ask that everyone return to their seats at this point".

"and refrain from using the lavatory's". "Please note we will be flying at a higher altitude to alleviate the problem.". "also keep your seat belts fastened". "and no hot drinks will be served at this time for your safety.". Thank you very much and I will speak to you in a moment. "once we have gotten out of this bumpy patch.". Speak to you in a moment. That moment might never come. He doesn’t tell you this. When the nation wide flight lost an engine the pilot said nothing. It just fell. *sound of falling*. Quiet.

I don’t want a pilot like that, I want someone who lets me know. I want to know before I'm going to die, I want to know. I want to say a prayer or two, I want to prepare my self you know. I want to forgive everyone I hate in the world. Give me a chance, give me a chance. But they don’t, pilots. No they don’t. Other people who die in plane crashes don’t even know they’ve died. Must be the worst feeling in the world. There's like a whole bunch of confused people popping into heaven like. *popping sound*. "I swear these airports change all the time". "I never know where to go, I never". I'm like, are we are we in heaven?".

"Oh wow, I can't believe we made it huh? "Guys, I cant believe; wow, this is amazing.". And there is Saint Peter at the gates and he's like. "Come forward please, come forward.". "Come forward." She's like, "Who are you?" "I am Saint Peter, Saint Peter.". "Uh, but you". "Yeah, I know. Many people are shocked, just come.". "I get that all the time, just come.". "Just come, just come.". "I just thought that.". "No, don’t worry. Just come please, just wait till you see Jesus. Come, come.

I don’t want that, I want someone to let me know when I am going to die. Like taxi drivers, there is no person who died in a taxi not knowing that they've died. Just before the crash the taxi driver will be like, Yo! *sound of taxi crashing*. People walking into heaven like, "Yo, dead, dead, dead!". Dead, yeah for sure, we're dead!". "Gone, gone, gone, yeah!". They know. Sometimes they survive the crash but they still think they are dead. Walking on the pavement. "Dead, dead, dead, dead!".

"Yo, dead!". Oh. But luckily we did land safely in Johannesburg. We landed safely and everyone clapped when the plane landed. Yay! Clapped and walked into the airport terminal building. and that's the point when you realize you are back in South Africa. When you fly international. and then when you land at any of our airports. and if you listen carefully you realize that you are back.

Like South Africa once again, the world went there and we where like. "No, no, we are going. We going just that side.". Because all over the world they conform to a norm and that is in airports. women make announcements. It's always a woman, always. and she's always calm. Always monotone. Always comes over that system, she sits in a room quietly. they bring her the pages one by one. You can be in Heathrow for instance you'll hear that woman come on the system. *PA system sound effect*. "Attention all passengers. Please note this is an airport announcement.

No passengers are permitted to leave any items unattended. as this may be seen as a security risk. Any unattended luggage will be removed by security and destroyed. Thank you.". *PA system turns off*. Everywhere in the world, even if you go to like non-English speaking countries. they still conform to that norm. You know you go to places like China where you wouldn't expect it, you know? You think and I see some of you probably thinking there be like, *Stereotypical Chinese jibberish*. No, don't even laugh, that's racist. Don't even laugh.

Don't, hey! Don't, no. That's racist. You don't even laugh. But they're not. They're calm. It's a woman, still the same. She's just another language she'll come on the PA like, *PA system turns on*. "*Calm Chinese jibberish*". *PA system turns off*. And you know, you know they've conformed.

And then you land in South Africa. And you know you've landed, you know that your back home. when you walk into the airport terminal building. You walk in and I don't even know if they audition the people who do it. No, no, no. It's almost like who ever is closest to the mic gets to do it first, you know? No, you go do it. It's the craziest thing! Luckily 99 percent of the time it's a woman. but she'll come on its the craziest thing ever as your walking she'll come and be like. *PA system turns on*.

"ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS! "ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS! HELLO! HELLO! I'm talking to you! Hello! All the people that is flying Kalula.com, the plane is delayed. They plane you should go on to was two, now it’s three. Yes, all the people must just take a ticket for that plane and we won’t have a problem, okay. Just to confirm if your ticket says two it’s going to be three, okay. Just mustn’t complain when the plane has left, I am telling you now. And you must just phone the people to pick you up.

You must tell them: my plane has changed. And then they start speaking to people the background and they don't even turn off their mic! "__________.". "__________.". "__________.". yes, chicken, chicken. ___________________. ___________________. ___________________. "Okay.".

"Okay all the people that is flying one time. the gate has changed.". "It's not the D2 it's C15.". "It's not the D2 it's C15.". If you can go to D2, you can find nothing. "Okay, bye bye.". "______________.". That's why I love coming home. I get to see the stories from a different angle, I get to enjoy it all. I am so happy to be back but everything has flipped on it’s head.

Two years, you know guys going away for two years is not a long time. and you come back to South Africa and everything has flipped on it’s head. I went away for two years, I come back. and white people are on strike. I thought it was a Leon Schuster sketch. In the street, white people, marching. and immediately you are like these people have no experience.

No experience what so ever. and white people I am not trying to minimize your pain in any way. but I am just going to say when watching it on the news. it doesn’t have the same gravity of the march. of black people and colored people and Indian people in South Africa. because when people of color in South Africa march you can see they want service delivery. when white people march it looks like you are fighting for vitality points.

it’s just not the same. and then I saw white people got offended. because they said we are going to launch a march. Zuma must go! Zuma must fall! We want him gone! and then black people didn’t join. and white people are like why don’t they join us? Yeah, why won’t they join hey? because it’s racism. we are marching for this country and they don’t want to march with us. because it’s racism that why they don’t want to join us. No, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

black people are not joining your march it’s not because of racism. it’s because of rhythm. I saw white people protesting and I was like. even if I was on your side. I can not participate in that. the best white marchers South Africa had. was three old white ladies.

who had the worst struggle song I have ever heard in my life. sounded like a lullaby converted into a struggle anthem. Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Yo, I can’t march to that guys. I don’t even know where to begin.

you realize a march is all about rhythm, right? ten percent of every march is the issue ninety percent is the beat. when black people march you need to encourage others to join. along the way you need to pick up stragglers. just some people who get into the rhythm as you move past. some people are just there as you walk past. *People Striking*.

People are joining. People are joining. It’s got power! you realize, black people are marching from Soweto to Pretoria. you need a march that will move you. every stride has purpose in it. *People striking*.

moving! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! Zuma must go! guys we are not even getting to Craighall like that. No chance. Marching with that song to Pretoria. by the time we get there Zuma left by himself.

Chilling there in his house in Dubai. Laughing. *Zuma Laughing*. "Did they only arrive. just now". I was watching white people going but why? Why you marching? What you guys doing? Hey, now you want to do the hard work. Just pay someone like usual.

This is when you should be paying. Just get a professional, a specialist. Just be there, "Johannes?". "I have a lot of grudges with this country. and I have noticed that you have impeccable rhythm. and so I would like to hire your services.". "I got you. what's your feeling?". "I just want them to know that Zuma must go". "Okay, got it.". *Marching*. "That's what I wanted to do.". Hire a specialist people, get it done.

That song will get you nowhere. It's a frustrating time though man. The Gupta's came and shook South Africa up. turned things upside down. made us question who we are as a people. I been away for two years, I came back and I will tell you now. the racial tension is palpable, you can feel it. all of the sudden everyone is looking at each other in a different light.

You are like damn, McKinsey did a good job. Because don’t get me wrong South Africa wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t like this. You know 2010 had us in a different feeling. We had rhythm, we had a plan. and then all of the sudden it fell apart, now we are looking at each other. with shifty eyes. Separated. Gupta's did a good job. People are angry and I understand why, you know? but sometimes I think people's anger get's out of hand.

like I saw people. fighting because the Gupta's had a wedding at Sun City. and at that wedding they only hired white people to serve them. and people where like, they are racist! they are racist! Okay, maybe they are racist. or. maybe. the Gupta's are doing. what every black person dreams of doing when they get enough money.

and that is hiring white people to work for you. Which black man in this audience can't say he doesn’t remember the first time he went to a restaurant? and he was sitting there. some white guy came up to the table, "Good afternoon gentlemen, can I help you with anything?". "Oh yeah we are just waiting for the waiter, you can send him over.". No, gents. My name is Johnny, I am going to be serving you guys today. Oh, you are the waiter? you are the guy serving us?

That’s correct guys. Oh wow, look at that. Well in that case Johnny. lets start with the specials menu please. just riddle it off, riddle it off. Okay guys we have a gazpacho on the menu, really fantastic. We have also got a seafood salad that’s really impeccable. On the dessert side the chef is doing something different with the creme brule. and then our special line fish of the day is going to be a hake lightly grilled. Okay, thank you very much, just give us a moment to chat about it.

See you in a bit Johnny. Thank you very much guys. Hey, can you believe it huh? Can you believe it, on my beck and call. Watch this. Hey, Johnny, Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Yeah, whats going on guys? Uh, nothing. carry on, carry on. This is power. and it was a Sunday morning. I was in bed. still asleep, it was early early in the morning. maybe like 9 or 10 o'clock.

and the phone rings. and it's my baby brother using my mom's phone. his name is Isaac, he's 9 years old. so I answer the phone like, hello? "Hello, Trevor?". I said, hey Isaac what do you want? "How are you?". I am fine thanks. "I am also fine, thank you.". "I am fine thanks and how are you? "I am fine thanks and how are you? I am fine thank you. "It's a pleasure.".

"Oh, and Trevor are you busy?". yes sort of, why? "No, because mom's been shot.". I am sorry, what? "Yeah, mom has been shot and we are at the hospital. Can you come?". Mom's been shot, okay, what do you mean? Okay of course I can come, which hospital? and he tells me the hospital. can you come? Like he is to polite for his own good. can you come? Like I am going to have to slot mom into my schedule. "Oh, coffee at two and then, eish! PlayStation at one, okay mom we will try...

Come on, can I come? of course I can come, I am panicking. I jump out of bed, I am running around. I am trying to put my clothes on, some things are backwards. I don’t even notice, I don’t even care. I grab the car keys but I am looking for the car keys. I am busy running around there, losing my mind. I jump into the car, into the streets. as soon as I am out the gate, the tears start coming out. You cant even control it, you are just driving and all of the sudden. (Crying). I am driving, I am trying to hold it back. but then I get to the traffic light and the robot is red.

and I let it out, it just comes out. (crying). NO don’t wash my window! No, no, don’t, don’t! Hey, no, no, hey, no, no! Hey, no. (crying) No, huh uh. (crying). there I am, driving to the hospital like a mad man. I get there, jump out the car. my brother is standing there at the emergency section.

I see him outside, he is just standing like nothing happened, looking around. I am like, Isaac what happened? He's like, "Mom got shot, she's inside". I am like, are you okay? He's like, "mom was shot, not me.". No, that's not what I am saying you idiot. whatever, I am coming back. So I run inside. My mom is in the prep area, all the doctors are standing around her. there is blood everywhere , I am looking at the doctors. and just by the way. doctors are not as good looking as they are on those T.V shows. No, like they set the bar really high. I was shocked because I ran in and was like what the hell. (Confused). Sorry, that was inappropriate, what's happening here guys?

"Sir, you need to leave". I said I was sorry, what's happening? No sir, you can't be here please leave. I am like whatever, okay. So I go outside, the nurse come to me and she is like. "Mr. Noah?" I said yes. "Okay Mr. Noah, we have your wife stabilized right now and". I said, my wife? She said yes, that's Mrs. Noah right? Yes, that's my mom. Oh, I am sorry thought she was. Come on, why would you think she is my wife? You think I would, she is cool but I mean. like have you seen the girls. oh, I will show you the pictures afterward. What's going on? She's like, "Okay Mr. Noah. your mom has just been stabilized and we are gonna have to start thinking about surgery.

She has been shot in the head and she has been shot in the lower buttock region. so this is a very serious thing. I am like, yes it is so what's happening? "Well, we just found out that she doesn’t have medical aid. I said, what? She goes, yeah she doesn’t have medical aid. Now my mom always had medical aid, always. but now it turns out she canceled it a few years ago. I didn’t know this, she canceled it. because she never gets sick. you know those people? I never get sick, I never get sick Trevor. I never get sick, I don’t know why I have this. I never get sick. Yes, but you didn’t think of bullets.

Now she is in the hospital, no medical aid. So I said to the nurse, what does this mean? She says well it means we are going to have to put her back in the ambulance. and send her to a public hospital. I said, but she is bleeding now, you can't send her. She said, " I am sorry sir but that is all we can do, she has to go to public hospital". Now I am panicking, a public hospital? Normally a good place to go, normally. but now what's happening is just mis-administration of funds. money is going missing, you don’t know what's happening. they don’t have the right equipment. now I am picturing guys trying to fix my mom. There's the doctor, "give me a scalpel".

"We got a spanner". "Yeah, bring it. At least it's a shifting. okay, lets try something.". I am stressed. so I said, well what do we do without medical aid? She says, "well, nothing sir.". I said well what if I give you the money? She says, "well, you don’t know how much it will cost sir. you can't unless you give us your card and then we just work from there. I said well take my card, here's my credit card. She goes, "Sir, it can get very expensive". I said, this is my mom. this is my mom, you use the money. Go! She goes, don’t tell me it's expensive. this is my mother we are talking about, you know? I realized through this I have neglected my brother.

he's been standing there the whole time with these big eyes. So I am like hey Isaac, hey Isaac. what's on your mind man. you okay big boy? His like, "Trevor?". Yes? "can I come to your house and play PlayStation later today?". How can you ask me about PlayStation, your mom has just been shot. you cant be asking me about that, whats wrong with you you stupid child! You know what, you are never going to play PlayStation again, ever. no PlayStation for you ever in your life, ever. Go away, go sit down and think about what you just said! PlayStation, how the hell is he going to ask me about PlayStation. the nurse comes back and she goes, "Okay Mr. Noah.

we just used R900 for some blood tests.". I am like okay, why are you telling me this? It's R900, this is my mom. Use the money, go! She goes away. R900, how you gonna talk about that? she comes back and says, " Mr. Noah we need R2000 for some x-rays". This is my mom, not a pair of jeans. use the money, go! She goes away, I am like my mom is going to die. busy asking me questions over here. My mom is gonna die, my mom's gonna die. that's all I am saying, and I say it and my brother hears me. He starts crying. (crying). I am like, Isaac I am sorry. I am sorry, are you okay?

He says, "I am not okay". "you said I am never going to play PlayStation ever in my life! and I wanna play Need for Speed and now I can't play PlayStation". I am like, you still crying about PlayStation? you have no right to cry, you hear me! Shut up, stop crying! You cant cry about this, you shut up! Now a woman comes out, she knows my mom has been shot. now she thinks I am telling my brother not to cry about my mom. She just gets involved, she is like. "Hey, you let him cry okay! you let him cry, some people express their pain in different ways. you let him cry!". I am like I will not let him cry lady, I will not let him cry. many kids grow up without one, okay. this is not, it's fine.

like, he should go play in the park or something. it's not the time to cry right now, what the hell. you spoil your kids, that's your problem. you take it away from them so they can learn about life! You and you, you both shut up! All of you, shut up! I am telling them this, the nurse comes back. She goes, "Mr Noah, we are ready for surgery.". I am like, so do the surgery. She says, "yes but sir, this can get very expensive. ICU and surgery is very expensive". I am like, Lady what is expensive? This is my mother. She says, "anywhere from like R20,000". I am like, R20,000? This is my mom. "all the way to like R500,000.".

Yo, but she has lived hey? I mean. I mean she is like what 56, 57? it's almost finished, you know? even she says she is old, I mean. You know? You said the bullet is in the head, I mean the head, it's finished. yo, because with that money we need to pay for the funeral.

we need to buy scones for everybody. this guy needs a PlayStation, you know. so I don’t know if. she says, "Sir we need the go ahead otherwise we cant do anything". I said okay, well use the card. Just use the card. we will handle the debt. She goes away, I am stressed. because I have seen this happen to people. go into hospital, don’t have enough money. use your credit card and the next thing you are in debt for years. and the person could die. the person dies and when they die. the doctor doesn’t give you your money back.

No, no he doesn’t. because he tried and that is all he has to do. you will get there and be like, Doctor did you win? He would be like (Ironic sound). and your money is gone. that is all I was stressed about. but the most amazing thing happened. turns out my mother was not that badly hurt. it was a miracle really. the ass bullets. didn’t do much damage. because my family is gifted.

the head bullet. didn’t hit anything vital. other than the head, obviously. but it missed her spinal cord. missed the nerves, didn’t touch the brain. went right through, missed the eye. hit the eye socket and deflected. and all it did was cut a piece of her nostril off. just one side. and the bullet went out clean. which meant she didn’t have to go in for intensive surgery. and her recovery was only a week.

Yeah, a week. Which was fantastic. because that means the bill was only R24,000. and she is alive, yes but the bill. was only R24,000. this was great, really great. because R25,000 was my cut-off. so. You laugh but that is how much I calculated I am willing to pay my mom back. for all the Ultra Mel custard I've consumed in my life. everything else, none of my business. food, clothes, schooling, all of that stuff I am not paying.

I hate it when the parents say that to they're kids. "You know how hard I have to work for your bloody school and clothes". "No, no, no! I didn’t ask to be born, that's your job. Please, you handle that. I asked for the Ultra Mel, we can keep a tab. don’t involve me in your things.". and that is what I calculated, R25,000. I would have been there, R24,750. I would have been there by the doctor. Hey Doc, it's fine my man. No stop. no, you tried. you tried, it's cool. no you tried, just switch off there, switch off.

How much, 250 left? we will pop a draw, just switch off there, it's fine. you tried. it was fantastic. I told my mom about the 25, she laughed. she didn’t know I was serious. and to show you what a crazy family we have. my mom is in the recovery ward. she has got these tubes in her and everything. and an I.V. and my brother is in the corner, bored out of his mind. and my grandmother is in the other corner reading the bible.

and I am holding my mom's hand and I am crying. still crying, this is a week later. I am still crying. (crying). I have been crying the whole week. but I have also been using this time to cry for other things in my life. No, because as a man you need to know when to cry. you loop it all together and you just cry one time, it's like. like we cry in bulk, you got to understand. cry in bulk. so I am crying for everything. (crying). and my mom looks at me and she goes. "Shh Trevor, don’t cry baby".

I said no mom I got to cry, you where shot in the head. She says no, look on the bright side. I said, what bright side? She said, at least now because of my nose. you are officially the best looking person in the family. I was like, by default. (crying). That was probably the worst time ever. flying into America, as an African. during the Ebola crisis. It was the craziest thing I have ever seen in an Airport. You walk in, there’d be tension.

They’d usher everybody into a special quarantine area. Ask you questions, questions that they don’t normally ask. The number one question they always ask, “Sir, have you been in contact with Ebola?”. They would always ask, “Sir, have you been in contact with Ebola?”. I love the sincerity of the question, like there was a chance my answer could be, “yes”. “And next stop, Disney World.”. Like what kind of person do you think I am, that I would still be embarking on a journey.

Having knowingly been in contact with the most deadly disease on the planet. Who do you think I am? That I’d be there like, “cough, cough, I don’t care!”. “Booking.com has a zero refund policy.”. “I am going to Disney World even if it kills me, Mickey Mouse and everybody else, I am going!”. “Have you been in contact with Ebola?”. And then he said it like it was a distant relative, I love the praising. “Have you been in contact with Ebola?”. “Yes, I spoke to him last week, he is doing well.”. “Thank you very much for asking.”.

Ebola made flying a nightmare. One of the worst flights, I was coming from Johannesburg South Africa going to San Francisco. We flew and because of the distance of the flight, you have to stop over in Washington. And then they change over your flight, so you go onto another plane. and then that plane takes you to San Francisco. And when we were changing plane, we were switching over, The air hostess on the second plane tells the passengers that Africans are coming on board. And because of this, they are going to be spraying the cabin with a light pesticide.

You know I understand, when people are afraid they do stupid things, I get it. What I didn’t understand was, Why she told them this, as we were boarding the plane. Have the decency to speak behind our backs. Because we were walking onto the aircraft and she takes her little microphone and she goes, “Ladies and gentlemen please note we have some passengers joining us in the South African flight”. “They are coming from Africa, if everybody could please stay in their seats”.

“as these passengers find their places”. “We’re going to be spraying the cabin with a light pesticide due to the Ebola crisis”. “and feel free to cover your nose, eyes, ears and mouth”. “The pesticide shouldn’t be harmful, but it may be”. “So if everybody would just cover up”. “and we will be coming down shortly as everybody takes their place, thank you very much.”. She says this as we board the plane. This is our introduction, “Ebola crisis”. And we are like, “Hallo, hallo.”. “Hallo, Hallo, Hallo”. Do you know how hard it is to find a seat in a plane with people who think you are bringing them death? Do you know how hard it is?

You sitting there, and it almost starts like that scene from “Forest Gump”. As I am walking down the plane, people are like, “Uh uh”. “you can’t sit here”. “no space”. Just walking down, trying to find your Jenny, ha ha! Finally everyone is seated, we take off. Plane heads out to San Francisco. And it was by far the most intense flight. I have ever been on.

I coughed once. The plane shook. It wasn’t even a bad cough, just a little tickle. I was like, “cough, cough”. The guy opposite me was just like, “EBOLA!!!!”. “EBOLA!!!”. I was like, “yo dude, calm down man, calm down.”. “it’s just AIDS, you’re safe buddy.”. “Calm down, it’s okay.”. Everyone was so stressed. The plane was tense. No one wanted food nor snacks.

We finally land at the airport. The plane is taxing to the gate, And everyone, everyone was waiting for that seat belt sign to go off. Everyone was just, like it was more than normal cause already. I never understand why people are in a hurry on a plane, to get out of their seat. Because you can’t go anywhere. Remember when a plane lands, everyone is just like, “come on, come on, come on”. You can’t go, you’re gonna go there, You literally go there. Their like, “come on, come on” *sound of seat belt releasing*. “Yeah”. I don’t understand why people are in a hurry. You know who is even worse, the people at the window.

You have no right to be in a hurry. You are sitting there like, “come on, come on, come on”. *sound of seat belt releasing* “Yeah”. “oh that’s good, yeah”. “pass me my luggage, pass is to me now, yeah.”. “I am glad I didn’t sit down for two more minutes, this is much more comfortable.”. Just stay in your seat, just wait. Ebola made it worse, a hundred times worse. Because now everyone wants to get out of the plane. Coughing, sneezing, you can feel the tension and as we are about to leave, The air hostess comes back on the P.A and she goes, “Ladies and gentlemen, everybody back in your seats please, everybody back in your seats.”.

“Unfortunately, right now we have a health and safety official that needs to come on board”. “just to make sure that everything is okay due to Ebola”. “we are just going to make sure everything is fine, so please stay in your seats ladies and gentlemen”. “again, apologies for the delay.”. She says this and then this man comes on, a health and safety official, right.”. And he has with him a list of all the African passengers and a thermometer. A digital laser thermometer and he comes on. and his job is to scan all the African passengers, and get their temperature. And I think the way it works is if you are very hot, you’ve got Ebola right.

So his got the list and he walks around scanning the passengers. And gets the thing, walks down and ticks their names of the list. Gets the temperature, names, temperature, names. Finally he gets to where I am seated. And he does the weirdest thing, he scans the person opposite me. Moves to my isle. Looks at me, looks at my name. Looks back at me. And then he just shrugs and walks away. “nah”.

Almost as if, I wasn’t African enough. I have never felt so conflicted in my life. Because, don’t get me wrong. I never want anyone to think I have Ebola. But I also don’t want anyone to assume I can’t have Ebola.

You don’t know me. You don’t know what I am capable of, I could have all the Ebola in the world. this guy just ignored me. he walks away, I am trying to cheer myself up. like chin up Trevor, you could have Ebola. chin up, come on, come on, come on. you can have Ebola. and he walks to the back of the plane. he scans the rest of the passengers. gets to the tail and he realizes he's now missing a name. so he looks back through the plane, can't figure out what's going on. I know it's me, I know it's me.

but I'm not going to help him. he had his chance, he had a good Ebola man and he let him go. so I watch him panic. and as he panic’s the air hostess comes back down the plane. and she goes hey whats going on, I need to get the people out of here. He goes, yeah I know. I got a problem on the Ebola list. I can't figure out where the passenger is. She's like yeah, I got to get the people out. He's like, look I know. This is killing me as well but I just got to figure out. She's like, yeah, yeah, if I don’t get them out I am dead. I got to get the people going. He's like, calm down and just give me a second. Now you can feel the tension building on the plane. people start whispering, there's murmurs going around.

because some people are just hearing pieces of the conversation. like a broken telephone. all they are hearing is yeah, Ebola, killing me, people. and she's like everybody out of here, dead, dead. you can feel the tension. people start looking at each other. the guy opposite me didn’t even hide it, he was like "it's you!". it's you, you have Ebola, it's you! I was like, dude I don’t have Ebola, stop saying that! He's like,"it's you damn it, it's you! you where busy coughing!". I was like, if you don’t shut up I will cough on you, I will cough on you right now! I will cough (coughing).

He is like what I'll kill you! I said, I'll kill you first! (coughing). everyone in the plane starts losing it. the people are going crazy, everyone is stressed. people want to leave. in the middle of the chaos, in the midst of all of this. I will never forget, a middle eastern man. maybe four rows behind me, dressed in traditional gaab. he stands up. and he sticks his head into the conversation being had. between the air hostesses and the safety official. and he goes, "Excuse me, pardon me.

sorry to interrupt. I couldn’t help noticing what you are talking. I just want to say maybe you want to check. there's this black gentlemen who is coughing a little bit. that man, he never right anything for him. he was wearing a hood, I don’t know, something about him. it made me a little uncomfortable, maybe you want to check. you know what they say, see something. say something, you know.

I did go to Zambia though. Fantastic place Zambia. Went there, visited the place and had a good time. While I was there I had a chaperone who really made my trip. His name was Alinani, sweet guy. And his job was to get me accustomed to the Zambian culture. And every day he would give me a new piece of information, some more interesting than others. Like one day he looks at me and goes, “Trevor, you know Zambia is a very, very conservative nation. I said, “Oh, okay Ali. He says, “Yea, so please stay away from profanity.”. And I said I can do that, I assumed he meant swearing.

But I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure if he meant a person or swearing. No, no, because in Zambia people have names like Profanity. So, that’s how I laughed when I met Screwdriver. It’s the same way I laughed. Yea, because you see. In South Africa we have African names you can translate. Like Happiness, Blessing and Hope. Those kinds of names. But then in Zambia. People give their names, like they give their children names. of everyday English words, anything. So like, table, chair, car, house.

You see, like you just have to get used to it. It’s very hard, but you have to keep a straight face. Which was difficult because I met a mechanic, who had sons named Brake and Clutch. And that was not, especially when Brake was running around causing chaos. And his dad was there like, “stop it Brake, stop it Brake, stop it, stop it Brake. And I was like, “Hey, stop it Brake. Ha Ha.”. But you have to get used to it, it’s a cultural thing. And so, you have to respect it. And the second warning Ali gave me, was even stranger.

We are driving thru Lusaka, the capital. And Ali looks over at me in the car and goes, Trevor, you know here in Zambia we are a very God loving nation.”. I said, “Oh, okay Ali. That’s a good thing to know.”. He says, “Yes, so while you are here don’t be gay.”. I said, “What?”. He says, “I know it can be tempting sometimes but don’t do it.”. “Don’t be gay.”. “Don’t be gay?”. I have never been warned of this in my life, don’t be gay?

“Hey bru, don’t be gay. Don’t be gay.”. “Don’t be gay?”. Crazy, crazy warning to get. But then I found out why Ali was warning me. Turns out in Zambia being gay is illegal. If you are found to be gay. you will be arrested and sent to prison. for more than thirty years, yeah. Which is a bit of a weird punishment.

When you think about it. I mean I am not saying that gay guys would enjoy prison, I am just saying if I was gay. That’s not the worst thing you could do to me. They would be like, “you are going to jail!”. I would be like, “Oh no.”. Don’t be gay? I couldn’t believe this, gay is a crime in Zambia. Which got me thinking. If gay is a crime, that means the police have to monitor it.

They actually have to police gay. Yeah. Which means in their police force, they have a gay division. It’s a crime, it’s a crime. So that means they have a murder unit, a robbery unit, a white collar crimes unit. And then they got a gay unit. Yeah, they have got a little G-unit in their police force. That’s responsible for all things gay. That must be the most fun police force to be in, in the world. You get to go under cover, dress up really nice. Get in touch with your flamboyant side, have a good time.

I bet the sergeant’s there every morning, briefing his detectives. “Good morning Detectives.”. “Welcome everybody, today we will be launching a sting operation.”. “We have just been informed of a fashion show that will be taking place.”. And as you know, the gays cannot resist the latest fashion trends.”. Therefore we will be in full attendance to apprehend each and every one of them. Let us make sure we are here.”. “Detective Chepoa?”. “Present!”. “Detective Table?”.

“Present!”. “Detective Mongai?”. “Present!”. “I think his in to deep.”. How do you police gay? do they stop you if you look suspiciously gay in the streets? I mean, gay doesn’t have a look. But maybe you have a bounce about you, like a bit of pizazz. So the police pull up there and is like, *police siren* “You, over there!”.

“What is the purpose of that flamboyant scarf?”. “Put your hands up!”. “Turn around! Don’t tempt me, don’t tempt me!”. “You are going to jail.”. How do you police gay? Do they have roadblocks? Like for drunk driving? Do they have gay roadblocks? hey are just like stopping people in they’re cars. “Good evening Officer”. “Good evening Sir”. “License Please?”.

“Thank you very much, Mr. Stylish. Hey?”. “Tell me Sir, have you been gay this evening?”. “No, I have not been gay. In fact I don’t gay at all.”. “I see, not even one or two?”. “No, No. No gays for me. No gays for me.”. “Okay”. “Then tell me Sir.” *sniffing*. “What is that I can smell on your breath?”. “Is that balls?”. “No, no, no, I”.

“I don’t even eat chutney, No”. “A ha”. “So you are not gay?”. “No, not gay at all”. “Then Sir, can you please blow into this?”. Ahh. Don’t be gay. I was not gay while I was in Zambia, so I had a good time. Went around and saw the people.

The highlight of my trip came when on my day off. I asked Ali for suggestions. Ali said to me, “Maybe you should travel around Lusaka, meet some of the people”. “just have a good time.”. I said to Ali I want to do something special. He said, “Oh well, in that case”. “Maybe you can go to the mall and if you are lucky”. “you can ride the escalators.”. I said, “What?”. “Hey, I am not promising anything”. “but if you are early, maybe you can go once or twice.”. I said, “Escalators?”. “I know, mind-blowing ha?”.

I thought he was messing with me. Until I found out people in Zambia go to the mall. just to ride the escalators. It seems ridiculous until you understand the back story. When we were in Zambia there were only five public escalators. Five, in the whole country. The first escalator was built in August. Not August 19??

No, no. You remember August. Past August? They built they’re first escalators, ever. Yeah, and so now it is all the rage. People go to the mall just to ride escalators. But now, I don’t want you to picture some dusty village. That’s not what Zambia is, it’s a beautiful place. They are developing just as we are, they have roads. They got airports, the have beautiful hotels. Stunning shopping Malls. They’ve got everything we got, even faster internet. The have just never had escalators. And now they started building them. And because of that people go there, and they just spend a day riding escalators.

Yeah, Dads will go home and fetch their kids. “Children, we are going to the mall.”. “To do what Daddy?”. “To do shopping, and to ride the escalators!”. “Yay!”. We couldn’t believe this so we went to the mall, right. We get to the mall. The mall is empty. Escalators are packed! People are standing in lines going around, doubling back on themselves. There’s old people, young people, even couples. There were couples. Guys that actually picked up woman by saying: “I am going to take you to the escalator girl.”.

“Oh, you are so fancy hey?”. Escalators. Some people didn’t even know how to ride the escalators. Kids were easy, they just jumped on. Old people would panic. There was one guy who got on the escalator, and it was going up. And I guess to compensate for something in his mind, as it went up. He started leaning. He fell down! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. He was hurt so badly. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. Oh, it was fantastic to watch.

We spent like three hours doing this, watching people riding escalators. And you know what? Our patients paid off, because in hour three the most fantastic thing happened. A school brought a class of children to the mall. And their excursion was just to ride the escalators. It was magic. Thirty kids, about five years old. Cutest things, wearing their little black and white uniforms. And they are standing there together holding hands. And they were so excited, they were shining.

Not from excitement, that Vaseline. And there is two teachers with the children, and they grab their hands on either end. And in a long train they start to march through the mall. And as they do the start singing at the top of their lungs like little angels. “Escalator”. “Escalator”. “Escalator”. “ohhhhhhhh, escalator”.

“Escalator”. It was the sweetest thing ever. People are waving at them, smiling. And these kids see the escalators. And they lost, their minds. These kids went crazy. They’re not holding hands, they start screaming and running around. It looked like a zombie movie, or something. They are jumping, but then you see the smiles on their faces. It’s like the end of Saraphina. You are like, “What the hell is going on here?”. These kids are screaming. They are jumping around doing cartwheels.

The teacher can’t control them. She’s panicking like, “Hey! Get back! Get Back!”. “Two-by-two! Two-by-two!”. Two-by two was one of the kids, I didn’t know. She’s like, “Two-by-Two! Next to me, next to me! Stay in line!”. Other kids are still jumping, she can’t control them. There was one fat kid. He couldn’t jump so he just shook himself. “Escalator!”. “Escalator!”. It was the most amazing thing I ever seen in my life.

it's like I had gone in a time machine. to a time when escalators were new. brand new and popular. so popular that people where taking pictures of the escalators. using their iPhone's. Tephiwa! technology, ah ah ah. who even thinks of these things, can you imagine? we are in the future now my man, moving stairs. what are we going to see next? I don’t even know, I don’t even know. I wonder how it works, let me just check there.

Siri, how does an escalator work? I don’t know. You may or may not know I have a new job, this is great. Thank you very much, thank you. So, so that's fun. Phoned my grandmother to tell her the good news, which was really cool. I don’t think she understood what was going on, but still she was happy. Phoned my Gran, she was on the the phone. I was like,Granny I am going to be on The Daily Show. She was like, "Woo, Trevor". "I am so happy for you.". "You got a job.".

I said, "No, no, Go-go. "No, I already had a job Go-go.". "I already had a job.". She is like, "No, you didn’t.". "Did you have an office?". I said, "No". She's like, "then it wasn’t a job.". "Well done Trevor.". My mom was a bit better. Phoned her, she was on the ball. You know, she was really excited for me. and to give you a bit of a back-story. I have two younger brothers, right.

I have a, one brother is 9 years younger than me. and then the youngest is 20 years younger than me. And so, the youngest one who's 11. just became head boy of his school. He is the head prefect at his school, right. Yeah so, no, no, please don’t. this is my show, you don’t clap for him. Please, they didn’t clap for me at his, please. I work hard for my applause, please guys. So anyway, so I phoned, so I phoned my mom. So I phoned my mom to tell her my good news, my good news. and I am on the phone and I'm like, "Mom, this just happened". and she's like, "Oh baby I am so happy for you".

"Oh, this is so wonderful, oh my son I am so happy". "this is so great, Oh, and did you hear what happened with your brother?". "He became head boy at his school". "Oh, I am so happy. Both my boys are doing big things.". And I was like, "Yeah.". "Some things are bigger than others.". She's like, "No baby, it's all the same to me". "It's all the same.". I was like, "You say that but I mean you know, ha-ha.". "I mean you know, if you had to choose.". She's like, "okay fine, fine.".

"I'll be honest.". "You where never a prefect, so". "Dammit!". That's when I wish I had a physical phone, you know. That's when I wish I had a land-line. I have those land-line moments in my life where I wish I had an old school phone. So I could slam it down. Young people will never know the joy. Of slamming the phone at the end of a call. Cellphones have robbed us of that. That feeling where you get to tell the person, “Screw You!”. *Slamming the phone down*. Ah, it feels so good. They feel it on the other end like, “Agh!”. It’s like you punched them in the ear.

Now with phones you are robbed of all of that. There’s no sense of power, “Screw you!”. *Pushing button*. That’s all you have. And you can’t even press the screen hard. because you are scared you’ll crack your own phone. *Pushing button*. I hate cellphones so much. I think they are robbing us of our intelligence. I honestly believe cellphones are going to be the reason. That human beings devolve. We are going back to the stone ages because of those things. Everything about them are turning us into apes again.

Neanderthals. I was looking at my thumbs the other day. I spend so much time texting and sending messages. That I feel like they have started curling over, like monkey hands. I have gotten really good at typing and grabbing branches. Everything about those phones. Are robbing us of our humanity. We were proud because we evolved. We stand, we walk tall. And then we got our phones and now every day we spend like this.

And over time we are gonna go back. Down. Have you tried to have a conversation with someone on their phone? Literally sounds like a caveman. *Sound of a monkey*. We have lost it. We don’t know how to communicate anymore. Now we use those emoji’s. For everything. Emoji, emoji, emoji, emoji. No one even uses words. Sent a paragraph to your friend, “Had a great day, did this. It was so funny!”.

They reply. *Smiley face emoji*. And did you hear she died? *Sad face emoji*. That’s it? No words? Emoji’s are basically the cave drawings of 2015. We judged cave men. We think they were primitive because we couldn’t find any words in their pictures. Someone’s going to think the same thing of us. The way we look at cave men and go, “Oh, look at them, they couldn’t write”. “Oh, the cave man, he was so simple.”. “And he was hunting, and he had a family. Aww.”. “Simple.”. Someone is going to see our messages in a thousand years.

And they will go, “Oh, look at that. Oh, the people of 2015, simple. Aww”. “Oh, look at that. They laughed and they cried. Hmm.”. “Sometimes they laughed until they cried.”. “Some of them where blind in one eye, yeah.”. “But that didn’t stop them from having fun.”. *crazy face emoji*. “Aww”. “And there was monkeys that didn’t talk.”. “Monkeys that didn’t listen.”. “And they were always dancing in red dresses, aww.”. “2015, a simple time.”.

We don’t communicate anymore. We got our emoji’s. Phones are making us dumb. I fear most for woman, the most intelligent of our species. I fear for you, I fear ladies. I fear for what the “selfie” has done to you. Woman are obsessed with selfies. The average woman spends 50% of her day thinking about when she can take the next selfie. That’s all she’s thinking about. “Oh, let’s take a selfie.

“Oh, let’s take a selfie. Can we take a selfie now? Let’s take a selfie.”. “Take a selfie of me taking a selfie of you, Ahhh.”. “Oh, this is great. Selfie-ception. I love it.”. Everyone’s just in there. Selfie, selfie, selfie. And you know what’s fine? The pictures look great. On Instagram, “like my picture, like my picture.”. Yea, it looks normal. But have you seen what it looks like when someone makes a selfie? It is the creepiest thing you have ever seen in your life. A normal woman sitting by herself, having lunch. Doing whatever she’s doing. And all of the sudden she will look at her phone. And something in her head goes weird. And she transforms into a selfie monster. She will just be there, looking at her phone. Going through stuff. And all of the sudden she’s like,

“I just randomly took a picture.”. “Caught off guard.”. “hashtag, I woke up like this.”. “hashtag, no you didn’t, hashtag you’re crazy.”. "hashtag, stop that shit.”. recently because of my job on The Daily Show. I got invited to very prestigious events.

I’ve started getting invited to very, very fancy functions. Functions I would have never been invited to before. You know, recently I got invited to my Uncle’s wedding. He never knew me before this. And before that I got invited to an event in New York. Called: The Met Gala, a very prestigious event. Where 500 people are gathered together. Different personalities, from all walks of life. come together. Actors, Singers, Painter’s, Musicians. Everyone.

And you spend the night, dressed very nicely. Looking at History and Art. You just walk around, smiling, looking sophisticated. And it’s so exclusive, that they tell you exactly what you will be wearing at the event. Not dress code, exactly what you are going to wear. So I got phoned and they said, “Trevor, we’d like to invite you to the Met Gala”. I was like, “Wow, okay.”. And they said, “You will be wearing a Ralph Lauren suit.”. And I was like, “Okay, how much.”.

“is a Ralph Lauren suit?”. But they were like, “No, we provide it for you.”. “Ralph Lauren is going to be giving you the suit.”. And I was like, “Wow, I get to go to the Ralph Lauren store and pick up a suit for myself?”. “They were like, “No, the man Ralph Lauren is going to give you a suit.”. Do you know how mind-blowing that is? To meet the man whose name is on your clothing? Like that’s never happened to me, I have never had the opportunity. To meet the man whose name is on my clothing. I have never had the chance to say, “Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Price.”.

This is a new world for me. Here I am wearing his suit, invited to the Met Gala. And they tell you it is going to be a fun affair, you’re going to have a great time. You get there, you eat with some people. You talk, you laugh. You walk the red carpet, which sounds like fun. You know red carpet sounds like fun. You walk down a carpet, people take pictures of you. Yea!

It is a lot more stress than it seems. Because you have to look perfect. I didn’t know this, you have to look perfect all the time. And they are so strict about it, that they have a tent at the beginning of the red carpet. That you don’t see on T.V. And in that tent, they prepare everybody. All the celebrities stand in the tent together, and then they make sure everybody’s dress is perfect. Everybody’s hair, nothing is crumpled up. Nothing. And everyone’s there together, which was pretty cool. Because you see all the celebrities getting dressed basically. And you know everyone. They don’t know you, but you know all of them. So you are there looking at people, and people are very nice. They’re like, “Hey, how are you?”. And you like, “Oh hi, I am Trevor. Nice to meet you.”.

She’s like, “Oh, Beyoncé.”. And you’re like, “Yeah”. “come on, come on.”. “I know you, I know you from my bedroom wall. I know you.”. But you can’t say that, you can’t. Because you gotta look cool, you gotta look cool. You got to look like you belong. So now you are meeting people that you know, but you gotta act like you don’t know them. Which makes you look like a jackass. Because now I am there like, “Trevor, oh Beyoncé?”. “Beyoncé? Did I say it right? Beyoncé?”.

“Nice to meet you Beyoncé.”. “Oh and this? Oh, Jay-Z nice to meet you sir.”. “Yes, Yes.”. You just look like an idiot. So I am standing there, getting ready with everyone.”. And then there’s a guy who basically tells each person to walk out, each celebrity. You walk out onto the red carpet, and there’s three stations on the red carpet. When you walk out the first section, is American photographers. They take pictures for all their magazines and newspapers. When they are done with you, you move down to the second section. That’s the European photographers. They do the same for their magazines.

And then you move to the last section. Asian photographers, Japan, China. That region. They take pictures, and then you walk into the event. So you walk through each one, they tell you to smile. Don’t smile too much, it closes your eyes. Don’t not smile, it makes you look angry. And pose with your body and your head. Pose with body and head, because some people make the mistake and then turn…. Don’t do that, turn everything at the same time. I’m like ready, I can do this. So I am in the tent with all the celebrities.

And they guy is calling people out, he lets them out one by one. Because they don’t want two people in the same shot. They don’t want Beyoncé there and then me in the background, like. So the guy is like, “We’re ready guys, we’re ready. “Rihanna, Let’s get Rihanna out. Rihanna come on.”. “How are you? Good to see you. Come on through.”. So Rihanna walks out. “Ann Hathaway, Ann. How are you? Come on Ann.”. “Good to see you. Go on, go on.”. And then it’s my turn. And the guy is like, “You!”. “Yea, you. Come on, let’s go.”. I’m like, “Me? Yeah okay.”. He’s like, “are you ready?”. I said, “Yeah.” He’s like, “Go on.”. And I stepped out. Immediately when I got out I realized I wasn’t ready. I was not ready at all.

I was not ready. I have never seen that many flashes in my entire life.”. You step out and it seems like every camera in the world is flashing at the same time. All of them screaming, it’s like, *Camera’s taking pictures*. It looks like someone threw a teaspoon in a microwave, its going crazy. *Camera’s taking pictures*. And everyone is screaming your name. It’s like, Trevor! Trevor, Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Now you are trying to find them, you look like a mad man with voices in your head. “Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!”. You’re like, “Yes, speak to me Jesus.”. You’re trying, you don’t know where the thing is coming from. They are like, “Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!”.

And then one guy throws me of, like in the middle of it. He’s like, “Trevor! Give us a pose!”. And I’m like, “a pose?” He’s like, “Yea, a pose.”. I’m like, “No, I don’t know how to pose, I have never thought of posing.”. No one told me, so now I am like. I don’t know what posing is, I’ve never practiced posing. And then the guy says, “pose!” And I am like, “I don’t know what’s a pose?”. He’s like, “Something sexy.”. I’m like, “Sexy?” I don’t even know what sexy is. Because I have never practiced. And when I read magazines. I go straight to the woman section, I don’t look at the men. I don’t see how they are posing. I look at J-Lo and Kim Kardashian. So he’s like, “Sexy”.

I’m like, “sexy?” So I just go to what I know. You know like. The guy is like, “What the hell? Okay, stop, stop. That’s good.”. “That’s good. Okay, go on, go on. Good job, good job.”. That was stressful, so I move down to the European section. Now I am getting there, I am still stressed. The bright lights have got my eyes going and the next guy is there. The guy is like, “Okay Trevor, are you ready?” I’m like, “I’m ready, I’m ready.”. “all right, over here! Over there! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!”.

Some guys didn’t know my name though, I could hear that. Because one guy said Trevor and another guy said Trevor. And the other guys where just like, *Mumbling*. But it’s sort of like a dog, a dog doesn’t really know it’s name. Like if your dog’s name is Spottie and you go, “Foggie”. It’s like, “Huh?”. I did the same thing. They were like, *Mumbling*. I am sure there was one guy who like hated me and he was like, “Never!”. And I was like. I didn’t care. I was in the mix, I was posing. I was sexy, I was doing my thing. I was loving it. And the guy’s like, “Good job, go on, go on.”. And I walked down and I went to the Asian section.

And I stood there, and all the photographers were ready. And then they just looked at me. It was. I don’t think you guys, like. It was the weirdest. Because it was like, flashing, flashing, snapping, flashing, screaming, flashing, snapping. Flashing, screaming, flashing, snapping. Silence. I got there. And they just looked at me. And then they looked at each other. And they looked back at me. They look at me like you look at food that has just arrived at your table.

But no one has ordered it. That’s the way that they looked at me. Like they were waiting for the menu. Like for the waiter to come and be like, “Sorry, we didn’t order.”. “Did you order, did you order, who ordered. No, we didn’t order this.”. “We ordered celebrities, we don’t know what that is.”. “No, no. We don’t know, we didn’t order.”. That’s how they looking at me. Now I am standing there, I am already posing. Because I have been taught to do it, now I am there. I’m doing, nothings working. Not even these ones, nothings working. They are just looking at me and I don’t know. I just panicked. Because I was embarrassed, I am not going to lie. I was embarrassed. No one is taking a picture, no one told me what to do if they don’t take a picture.

So instead of just walking away. I started making the sounds with my mouth. Just a defense mechanism I guess. So I panicked, and in the silence I was just like, “Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!”. *sound of cameras flashing*. “Trevor! Trevor” *sound of cameras flashing*. And now they are just looking at me like, I was like, “Good job, good job. Bye.”.

The newspaper say that, he’s famous. And people start treating you like you’re famous, they say the weirdest things to you. Strangest thing people would say to me, “Trevor! Trevor!”. Well done on everything hey. Congrats! Congrats!”. “But, even though you are going to America”. “Don’t forget us alright? Don’t you forget us.”. Like, “I don’t even know who you are.”. People would say the weirdest things to me. You know the number one thing people have said to me? It’s not good luck. It’s “Hey Trevor”. “Good luck over there, but whatever you do.”. “Don’t forget your accent, alright?”.

“Yes please. Don’t pull a Charlize on us, okay?”. “You keep your accent, make us proud.”. Everyone said that. “Treva bro!” Treva Noah!”. Hey, mom’s child. You are making us proud.”. “You do us proud, but can I ask you a favor?”. “Don’t lose your accent, okay? Don’t lose your accent.”. “Yes. When you come back from the States, you mustn’t come back talking funny.”. “Please Brother. If you lose your accent, don’t come back.”.

“Did you just threaten me?”. What does that mean? If you lose your accent? How do you lose your accent? People make it sound like you’re going to be walking down the street. And then just out of the blue, you are like, *Searching his pockets*. “My accent!”. “I lost my accent!”. “Where the hell is my… Oh! “Oh, Hello. No! That’s not my accent!”. How are you going to lose your accent?

I was stressed now. Because I don’t want South Africans to think I am not South African. I don’t want them to think I have forgotten something, this is my home. Now I am stressed coming home. I am in the plane, flying back to Johannesburg. And the whole time I am thinking, “don’t lose you accent Trevor, don’t lose your accent”. “Ac-accent, Accent, Ac-accent”. “Is that how I say accent? Accent, accent, excent, excent”. “axe end, ecsent, accent.”. By the time I landed at O.R Tambo I was losing my mind.

I like walked into arrivals, the woman was there at customs. “Welcome back to South Africa Sir.”. I was like, “Yes, I’m back!”. “Same old Treva!”. “Nothing changed.”. People are crazy. I love accents. I really love accents. I love learning languages and so obviously accents or byproduct of that. I’ve learned over time. That even you can't learn a language, an accent is a great. way to communicate with somebody in your own language. whilst trying to bridge the gap. you learned somebody's accent, you communicate more effectively.

the thing is though, you have to learn the accents on the right way. if you are going to speak to someone in the accent and you do in the wrong way. you might come across as racist. you have to be very careful about this. White people in South Africa often fall into this trap. It happens at petrol stations quite a bit. you see people driving in with their friends, talking normally in the car. “So, I mean. If we get all the numbers together and give them marketing, they should be behind this. ” it should be a breather, HR has stepped up and it's going to be.".

"It's going to be a great year and we try and make sure. Oh, sorry. Hold on.". *electric window winding down*. "Hello Baba!". "Hey, shop, shop man!". "Please fill up the tank, hey?". "95, Unleaded. Yeah!". "Also check ama tires, Hey?". "Pressure. Pumpy, pumpy! Not to much hey?". "two point two, okay?". "Yea, good jobie. Shop , shop.". "Dankie boss.".

Don't do that. He is a grown man, he has been pumping petrol his entire life. He knows what you need. Just talk to him like a normal human being. That's the thing people don't understand. Speak to him like a normal human being. I used to get so angry whenever I see white people changing their accent. when they talk to black people. I get so angry. I was like,"are all white people racist? is that what it is? Are all of them racist?". and then I leaned. Life taught me not to be so quick to judge.

I learned a valuable lesson. I was driving to Gold Reef City one day. Into the backstage area. and the security guard came out to the boom, and he was like, "Hi, how are you. Is your name on the list?". I said, "Yes, how are you Baba? My name is Trevor.". He's like, "Okay. Trebal, Trebal, Trebal.". I said, "No, no. Trevor.". He's like, " Oh, sorry. Cheval, Cheval, Cheval, Cheval.". I said, "No, Trevor.". "Cheva.". "Trevor.". "Chelva". "Trevor". "Chelva".

"Trevor". "Chelval". "Trevor" "Chelva". "Trevor" "Cavel, Cav, Chavil, Chavel,Chalvin, Chavel". "Trevor" "Chalvil, Chalvil". "Trevor" "Calvil, Chalvil". and now my friend who is just irritated leans over and his like, "Hey, Papa. His Treva!". He was like, "Oh, Treva!". "Why you don't talk properly?".

And then I understood,I finally understood. What white people have been trying to do. I see you are trying to communicate more effectively, you are trying to engage somebody. But understand this, understand this. When speaking to someone in an accent, the number one rule to understand is. an accent is not a measurement of intelligence. An accent is just somebody speaking your language, with the rules of theirs. That is all an accent is. So don't speak. down to them, don’t patronize them. Speak to them the way you would speak to yourself. Just try and learn their accent, that's all it is. Just an accent.

and I learn them. I spend all my time learning accents.I try. I try, I love it. I learn in restaurants, that's a safe place to start. You learn, you read of the menu. You try to pronounce the words correctly. I was inspired by French restaurants. Funny enough. Whenever I go to a French restaurant I am always fascinated. By the way that people ordered food in an French accent. I never understood why. Because they don’t do it in any other restaurants, only in French restaurants do people walk in. and then change their accent when they order.

They come in talking normally. "you know it's a wonderful, you really going to enjoy this.". "It's so beautiful, stunning. You have to have the desert. Oh, good evening, how are you Sir?". "Yes, we will have a bottle of water for the table please and a". "Let's start of with a, can we get the Sauvignon blanc please?". "and we definitely for mains gonna have the filet mignon.". "and for dessert we gonna go with the creme brule.". "Thank you very much. Oh, you gonna love it.". Like, why are you doing that? I never understood. I was like why? Because it's not like the French are going to return the favor.

There's no French people sitting in our restaurants in South Africa looking at the menu like, "Uh, so for the table we can order". "some starter portion, we share something. Okay?". "Uh, could we please have, uh". "one serving of the boerewors.". that's not gonna happen.