"Surfing AIDS" - Trevor Noah - (That's Racist) LONGER RE-RELEASE

Surfing is a crazy sport, there is no need for you to be in the water at that time. you might get eaten by a shark. I do not feel sorry for you, I feel bad. but not sorry, because you knew the thing was there. What's crazy is you even have experts that defend sharks. I don’t even know when this started. when did we start defending killers? We defend them, they are like out there in the ocean killing stuff. and then you have these shows, Discovery shark week. fifty fifty, shark experts and they come out. "Hi guys, I just want to tell you a little bit about sharks. Did you know that sharks. arn't the mean killers that everyone paints them to be. Sharks don’t even like eating humans.

they don’t.". How do you know this? How do you know this? I mean for things that don’t like humans they have eaten a lot of them. hey, you have to admit. they have eaten a hell of a lot. surely the memo would have gotten around by now, you know? "No, they don’t like eating humans. What happens is they get really confused, really confused. because from underneath, they see you paddling on the surface. and they mistake you for a seal, they think you're a seal. and they come up and grab a bite. and by the time they realize you are not a seal, its to late. Its not their fault, they are just sharks.".

I am like really? Why don’t those same people come and defend black people. when people are saying black people commit crime. Black people commit crime, like why aren’t those same people there? "These blacks are always robbing people, these blacks.". and they come. "Well, actually guys. black people don’t like crime. Yeah, what happens is they get like. really, really, really, really, really, poor. because of things that have happened in the past. and then some of them resort to criminal activities. to try and make ends meet.

so when they see you from afar, they just get confused. because you look like an ATM. because you freeze every time they see you. You freeze, and then they poke you and money comes out, yeah. It's not their fault, they're just poor.". It's a load of rubbish, that's what it is. Sharks don’t like people, how do they know? Do they ask them? "Yeah, I don’t like, don’t like. taste like marmite.

*Lauging*. I don't surf. I sit on the beach and I enjoy it from there. It looks beautiful, I enjoy it. And I'm sitting on the beach in Malibu and during the weeks it's really empty. There's just one girl surfing out there. California babe and she's rocking it, you know? She's got this long blonde hair and tan looking very fake and just, you know? She's riding her board and doing her thing and all those unnecessary surfing moves that. people do, you know?

*Talking to the board* "Just stay here, there's no need for-". And surely, sure enough at the end of it that she's doing those things and the wave comes. like *Wave crashing sound effect* and I was like, "You are dead. Dead.". But she wasn't. She comes out of the water and she's having the time. of her life! And she looks over at me and she's like, *surfer girl accent* "Heeeeeey there! Are yew like gonna come in? The water is like super ahhh-mazing!". I said, "Uh, No. no, Thank you. No, thank you. I'm just going to sit here.

I'm just going to sit here and watch you. You're very good. Keep it up, keep it up!". She's like, "Oh-em-gee! Yew tawk funnyyyy!". "No I don't talk funny, you talk funny.". "Where are yew frommm?". "I'm from South Africa.". She's like, "Oh, wowww! Like Africaaah? How did yew get here?". What? I used my monkey grip under the plane! How did you get here?

She doesn't even wait for my answer. She runs, she's in the water she's doing her thing and surfing. having a good time doing those things. She comes back out and now all of a sudden we're best friends. She runs out onto the beach and she's like, "Hey, Africaaaah!". I'm like, "Hey, Americaaaa...". "So like yew don't surf at all?". I said, "no, I don't. I don't. Where I'm from we don't really surf.". Johannesburg, there’s no surfers out here, you know? She's like, "Aww, that's too baaad. "Like, do yew guys have waves in Africaaaah?".

Do we have waves? A grown human being asks me if we have waves on a continent. Like no, no, we don't, we don't. Yeah, by the time the water gets to our side of. the world it's just so tired, it's just you know? It's so worn out from all the traveling. It tries but it's just. "Aaaaughhh!". Do we have waves?

She is brilliant she says this and she runs back into the water. And every time she goes out there, it's she comes back more stupid. It's like... it's almost like she's fishing for stupidity out there! It's almost like there is a shark just like, "Yeah ask him this now, ask him this! Ask him this!". Because she comes back and I'll never forget this until the day I die, I will not forget this conversation. She comes back onto the beach and she stands next to. me and she's taking off her wet suit and she goes, "So like, Africaaah, can I like, ask yew a questionnn?".

I said, "Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead.". "If yer like, from Africaaah... have yew like... ever had AIDS?". You know what's funny? Is I wasn't offended by the fact that she said AIDS... but I was offended by the fact that she said, "ever HAD. AIDS". Like AIDS is something you could had, like a passing flu, you know? "Hey Jonah, I didn't see you at work last week Thursday Bro, where were you?".

"Yeah Bro, I had a bit of AIDS there, I just. it hit me hard, eh? You know, I took some Corenza, now I'm back Bro.". Ever "had"! And you know, I know, I know as a child of a continent that's ravaged by this disease it's my job, it's my duty to educate people when I meet them, you know? It really is a part of who I am, but... but you know when you look at someone in their eyes and...

there's no hope? It's just that old SABC tone just like. *SABC ringing sound effect*. It's only two of us... and I'm bored. I figured why not have some fun? So I look at her and I'm like, "Yes. Yes, America. I've had AIDS many, many times.". She's like, "Oh wow, reallyyyy? Oh mah gaaaahd!

So, aren't yew gonna be like, super skinny and dead or somethinggg?". I said, "No, no, no! AIDS is not as bad as you think. It's just like chocolate, you know? You just shouldn't have too much at one time! You're just like 'AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS - Ohhhh too much Aids! Too much AIDS!'. And then you stop for a bit and then after you're like, Wooo hoo, more AIDS! you know? You just chill.". She's like, "Wowwww, AIDS are like chocolate?". I said, "Yeah, yeah! You should try it sometime.". She's like, "Noooo. That's disgusting! 'Cuz then if it's like, chocolate... then it's gonna get all melty and Ima be covered.

in like, AIDS chocolate and I'll be all stickyyy and I'll be all dirtyyy!". I was like, "Yeah, then you just take a shower. *Audience laughing*. No, what are you guys? what do you...? Oh no! Don't you laugh at my president! DAMN YOU PEOPLE! DAMN YOU! I don't accept your laughter! DAMN YOU! Don't you laugh! This has nothing to do with that great man! Turning my jokes against me!

NO! I will not participate in this madness! How else do you get clean?!