"Sports In America" - Trevor Noah - (African American) LONGER RE-RELEASE

You guys love your sports out here I’ve never seen more focus put on sports anywhere else in the world. Americans love there sports back to front. you analyze them you worship them. you watch the game before the game you watch the game after the game. you talk about what might happen in the game you talk about what’s happening in the game. and then you talk about what happened in the game. and what could have and what might have but didn’t happen in the game. it’s just the craziest thing i've seen in my life. it’s all about statistics have you seen sports in America? its non-stop guys come out there. there’s no time for smiles or anything just come up.

and ladies and gentlemen welcome to it it’s the 2012 Miami Heat. up against OKC this is the greatest final we’ve been waiting for in the NBA finals. LeBron James leading his team out here averaging 30 points. doubled every single game 10 points per game. Just this season alone it’s all this man is just something else. 90 percent from the free throw line. he just got in his consistent his gotten better. his team coming in with more Chris Bosh. coming in with more assist really doing well in the last game. just like whaaa! whaaa! numbers, numbers, numbers stats, stats, stats.

you guys know everything every stat. well I mean his got four out of five and if you look at that statistic alone. it looks like he should be getting four. and it’s just crazy you know everything. and then you switch over to your business channels and your economy. and you’re like what’s happening in the economy this year Bob? well nobody knows I mean. Nobody knows Yea. Ha Ha Ha Ha. Uh. we thought the housing market was coming up but it wasn’t.

Ha Ha Ha Ha. but hey I mean that’s the economy. you never know right? you never know What about stocks? Well stocks I guess they’re up and down. I don’t really know they’re up and down They can go anywhere. Those are stocks We don’t know. but the sports you know. you need to flip that around get the statistics in the economy. just relax on your sports Have fun. like the sports I watch are relaxed like soccer. I am a huge fan of soccer.

Yea Oh there’s some fans here. I love soccer It’s chilled. you hear it in the commentators when the game is being played. there’s no statistics at all. the game starts off the whistle blows. (Whistle). and welcome ladies and gentlemen. to this majestic match. it’s Spain playing against Germany. Oh and what a wonderful day it is. look at the crowd really excited. oh and the atmosphere is amazing what wonderful weather.

Oh yea John you can feel it and the players look great. it’s wonderful. what do you thinks going to happen today Martin. Oh nobody knows. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a game this good. Americans will remember Americans will go back to the finest statistic. the last time a black man scored using his left hand jumping over a mixed-race half Indian. was in 1967 when the...

Okay like what? this is madness. It's all about action in the sports as well, you know. as much action as possible, it's all about action in America. it's so action focused you will take the ball from the other team. if they do not give you enough action. I have never seen that in my life. that's a horrible way to bring people up. You just go to the other team and go. "Hey you guys, you take the ball.

and you've got 24 seconds to get the ball in that net. 24 seconds! and if you don’t do it we give the ball to the other team. you hear me? We are going to give the ball to thew other team. yeah we know there's a lot of black guys but you try and get past them. that's up to you. Go! 24 seconds later (Horn blowing). You guys, you try. You try. all about the action, you know. because America's different. it's different from the rest of the world. and you don’t really know how different America is though. until you get here, that's the one thing I will say.

you think you know. but then when you land in America in your airports. that's when you know this place is. this place is different. because American airports, unlike airports everywhere in the world. which has a certain level of joy and. just all round happiness. American airports they are like. like concentration camps , you know? it's just people walking barefoot in single file.

No, it's no joke. there's even signs that say: "No jokes". and you are like, really? it's just insane, and you walk through those airports. and you have to do things in American airports you don’t do anywhere else in the world. like you have to take your shoes off, shoes come off. and you don’t know this as a foreigner, but they don’t care. they are just like, "You, take your shoes off!". I am like, my what? Your shoes, take them off!".

Why? "For safety, Sir". I'm like, I am keeping them on for your safety my friend. You don’t do this anywhere, I remember flying into Dubai one year. and as we get into the airport. this woman, an American woman started taking of her shoes. and those guys, you must understand. when you are in the middle east as a woman you are already a sin. and now to be taking your clothes off in public. these guys lost their minds, they where just like. "Hey, what are you doing?! What are you doing! "you, what are you doing?". She's like, "I'm taking my clothes off".

they are like, "no, no, what are you doing? She's like I am taking... but why are you taking your clothes off? she's like, "So the machine works". He's like, " No, this is machine, not your husband. you don’t need to get naked!". "Put your clothes on and walk through you whore!". they where just, you don’t do it anywhere else. but when you come out here you have to take off your shoes. and you have take off your jacket to walk through the metal detector. and they are mean about it, they will shout at you like. "You, take it off, take it off!". but you don’t know what to take off. you don’t take it off anywhere else, so you don’t know what to take off. He's like, "You take it off!" Take what off?

"Take it off, Sir!" Take what off? "Take it off now!" What? "Your clothes, take off!" Take off my clothes? now you are standing there with this man shouting at you to take your clothes off. you feel like a child in a Catholic Church, it's just horrible! just standing there. I mean, I understand the need for security. but they don’t need to shout at you, at least if they try to be nice. maybe if they chanted instead of shouting you know. instead of, "Take it off!" If they where like. "Take it off, Take it off, take it off". You would be like, "Yeah, whoo, security!".

"Safe and sexy!". they don’t. it's the harrowing experience as you come in. and the worst is if you have to go through passport control. as Americans you don’t feel the pain, but as a foreigner. it's a whole different game. you Americans walk through to the U.S citizens line. and they welcome you back. like you where on some secret mission. "Welcome home Sir".

You know? When you're a foreigner you have to wait. In a super long line. You know, and then they tease you. the line goes right to the front then it comes back. Comes back. And you finally get there. and you have to wait for them. you know. and he's standing there and the guy is like. "Sir, sir, come on, come on. sir, step forward, for-. step forward sir! step forward!

forward! Back! Back! behind the line sir, back! get back sir, get back,". You know its the stress. you're standing there. and know you have to answer questions. horrible, like you don't understand. it's the stress you know. standing there and you. you don't want to get any of the questions wrong. because just like school they will send you back. so you stand there. and you have to answer them into a microphone. that's placed strategically low. almost so that you have to bow to the American.

as you answer. every question of his. and they ask you these questions. questions you feel like you know the answers too. but when you're there. I mean I just handed the man my passport. to which he replied. "Is this you?". never before have I felt so much pressure. to look like myself. I was like. "I was younger then". it's horrible.

and then he starts rattling them off. "It's your first time in the United States Of America sir?". uh, yes. "Your first time sir, is that correct?". uh, yes. "Sir, what is the duration of your visit out here?". I'm going to be here for six months. "Six months sir, is that correct?".

yes. "Sir what is the purpose of your visit in the United States Of America?". I'm here for holiday. "Holiday sir?". yes. "Which one?". my one. "Could you elaborate sir?". holiday! "Yeah what do you mean holiday sir?".

you know like holiday, like. woooowoooooo. yeaaaahh. holiday. holiday. "You mean vacation sir?". ah! battery, yes of course.