"Retract The Feces" - Trevor Noah - (There's A Gupta On My Stoep)

Good times man. good times in South Africa we’re back. I have been gone for 2 years what the hell have you people done with the place. what on earth have you done with the place. shit is upside down. Julius is skinny people. don’t laugh what happened to my Ju-Ju. what happened to my Ju-Ju I felt like a mum. seeing her child skinny. woo Julius and then?

what happened? did they take your land and your stomach? oh no my baby. guys what happened to Julius Malema? when I saw him I honestly didn’t know who it was. I saw this young and slender guy. thin face but the same voice. we are going.. Now the face doesn’t match the voice anymore. it’s almost like he is a ventriloquist of himself. we are going to fight keep fighting. he is super skinny now man.

like I am waiting for him to be on the cover of Mens Health Magazine. telling us how he lost the weight. Julius posing with a six pack. they have one of those sexual headlines. how to EFF your lady right. ten steps to get a body like Ju-Ju. he is selling DVD’s making money. struggle aerobics you can be just like me.

I don’t think that Julius even knew this was going to be his life. starting in the ANC in a position that is powerful. you’re at the top at the top of the food chain. as soon as you switch to an opposition party you have to fight. you spend all of your time fighting. Julius wasn’t ready for that, he didn’t even realize how rowed up his supporters were. everyday he was there. the EFF is going to fight. are you ready? We are ready! what do you want to do? We want to march! Yes! Where are we marching to?

To Pretoria! Wow, wow, wow. Why don’t we get an Uber guys? Pretoria hey, hey, hey. what a stressful life poor Julius man. from tender to slender. I miss it, I watch parliament again.

I went straight into it, watching the vote of no confidence. I was so stressed. I don’t know about you but I was so stressed. I was like please, please please don’t let Zuma go please. don’t let Zuma go my jokes. all of my jokes please, please. I know I have got Donald Trump but it’s not the same guys. I want Trump and I want Zuma in my life I want balance. because you see the thing is like South African politicians.

they are crazy and they are fun but they are benign. they are not dangerous it’s just fun and games. I’m gonna watch Julius his going to be there getting his vote of no confidence. busy causing all sorts of chaos. I love watching that. I watch that all the time in America. I don’t think you understand and I don’t know how to explain it to Americans. but it’s so much fun. it’s just Julius up there causing chaos every single day. we are here today again we are going to vote out a criminal. Guys are there out of. point of order! point of order!

point of order honorable Malema! point of order! you cant say that! retract! Okay I don’t want to get kicked out I retract. I am here because we want to kick out a crook. honorable Malema retract! Retract that honorable Malema! retract it immediately! I retract.

honorable Malema! honorable Malema retract! retract unconditionally! Okay, I retract unconditionally. here’s my question. why do they have to keep calling the person honorable. when they keep doing crazy shit? there’s people punching and fighting in Parliament. honorable member! honorable member stop punching! honorable member don’t swear! is that the rule you have to say honorable member for whatever it is?

a minister can be there shitting on top of the table. honorable member stop pooping! stop pooping on the table! Honorable member! retract that fesses now! honorable member retract that fesses immediately! retract that fesses immediately please! I retract unconditionally.

I miss it so much. I enjoy it so much. I mean there's people that ask me all the time, they are like. "Trevor, I mean Donald Trump. are you serious, he is crazy the way you are telling us. people say that to me all the time. and by the way, can I just say. I appreciate every single one of you. that watches the daily show in South Africa. I appreciate that. you are one of the biggest parts of my success. People didn’t believe it, people didn’t expect it.

they didn’t even know, they where shocked. South Africa is the number one largest market of Daily Show viewers. outside of the United States. Americans didn’t know what hit them, they are like. Trevor I don’t know if this is real. but apparently there are like millions of people watching. in South Africa, does that look right to you? I was like, what does that mean? No I mean like, do people have that many T.v's? is that like a..

Do you guys have t.v's? T.v's? We have DStv. We have Dstv Catch up. Full bouquet. *Lauging*. You don’t understand how many stupid questions I still get people asking me. "So Trevor, coming from Africa is it like different for you. is it like totally different?

do you guys have like animals in the streets running around? I was like, Guys we don’t have animals. come on man, what do you take us for? and then a few weeks after I had that fight. South Africa. you guys come and hold me back. just after I fought with people. telling them there are no animals in the streets. I see an Headline from the Sunday Times. Zebra blocking traffic on the N1 highway. Now I have to go back. Okay, you see. Sometimes...

but not always, sometimes. there is animals, but not always.