"My Red Carpet Trauma" - TREVOR NOAH (Pay Back The Funny) 2015

Recently, because of my job on the Daily Show. I got invited to very prestigious events. I’ve started getting invited to very, very fancy functions. Functions I would have never been invited to before. You know, recently I got invited to my Uncle’s wedding. He never knew me before this. And before that I got invited to an event in New York. Called: The Met Gala, a very prestigious event. Where 500 people are gathered together. Different personalities, from all walks of life.

come together. Actors, Singers, Painters, Musicians. Everyone. And you spend the night, dressed very nicely. Looking at History and Art. You just walk around, smiling, looking sophisticated. And it’s so exclusive, that they tell you exactly what you're gonna be wearing at the event. Not dress code, exactly what you are going to wear. So I got phoned and they said, “Trevor, we’d like to invite you to the Met Gala”. I was like, “Wow, okay.”. And they said, “You will be wearing a Ralph Lauren suit.”.

And I was like, “Okay, how much?!”. “Is a Ralph Lauren?”. But they were like, “No, no, no, we provide it for you.”. “Ralph Lauren is going to be giving you the suit.”. And I was like, “Wow, I get to go to the Ralph Lauren store and pick up a suit for myself?”. “They're like, “No, no, no, the man Ralph Lauren is going to give you a suit.”. Do you know how mind-blowing that is? To meet the man whose name is on your clothing? Like that’s never happened to me, I have never had the opportunity.

To meet the man whose name is on my clothing. I have never had the chance to say, “Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Price.”. This is a new world for me. Here I am wearing his suit, invited to the Met Gala. And they tell you it is going to be a fun affair, you’re going to have a great time. You get there, you eat with some people. You talk, you laugh. You walk the red carpet, which sounds like fun.

You know red carpet sounds like fun. You walk down a carpet, people take pictures of you. Yea! It is a lot more stress than it seems. Because you have to look perfect. I didn’t know, you have to look perfect all the time. And they are so strict about it, that they have a tent at the beginning of the red carpet. That you don’t see on TV. And in that tent, they prepare everybody. All the celebrities stand in the tent together, and then they make sure everyone’s dress is perfect. Everyone’s hair, nothing is crumpled up. Nothing. And everyone’s there together, which was really cool. Because you see all the celebrities getting dressed basically. And you know everyone. They don’t know you, but you know all of them. So you're there. You're just looking at people, and people are very nice.

like, “Hey, how are you?”. And you like, “Oh hi, I am Trevor. Nice to meet you.”. She’s like, “Oh, Beyoncé.”. And you’re like, “Yea”. “come on, come on.”. “I know you, I know you from my bedroom wall. I know you.”. But you can’t say that, you can’t. Because you gotta look cool, you gotta look cool. You got to look like you belong. So now you are meeting people that you know, but you gotta act like you don’t know them. Which makes you look like a jackass. Because now I am there like, “Trevor, oh Beyoncé?”.

“Beyoncé? Did I say it right? Beyoncé?”. “Nice to meet you Beyoncé.”. “Oh and this? Oh, J zed nice to meet you sir.”. “Yes, Yes.”. You just look like an idiot. So I'm standing there, getting ready with everyone.”. And then there’s a guy who basically tells each person to walk out, one at a time, each celebrity. You walk out onto the red carpet, and there’s three stations on the red carpet. When you walk out the first section, is American photographers. They take pictures for all their magazines and newspapers.

When they are done with you, you move down to the second section. That’s the European photographers. They do the same for their magazines. And then you move to the last section. Asian photographers, Japan, China. That region. They take pictures, and then you walk into the event. So you walk through each one, they tell you to smile. Don’t smile too much, it closes your eyes. Don’t not smile, it makes you look angry. And pose with your body and your head. Pose with body and head, because some people make the mistake and then turn…. Don’t do that, turn everything at the same time. So I’m ready, like I can do this.

So I am in the tent with all the celebrities. And they guy's calling people out, he lets them out one by one. Because they don’t want two people in the same shot. They don’t want Beyoncé there and then me in the background, like. So the guy is like, “We’re ready guys, we’re ready. “Rihanna, Let’s get Rhianna out. Rhianna come on.”. “How are you? Good to see you. Come on through.”. So Rhianna walks out. “Anne Hathaway, Anne. How are you? Come on Anne.”. “Good to see you. Go on, go on.”. And then it’s my turn. And the guy is like, “You!”. “Yea, yeah, you. Come on, let’s go.”. I’m like, “Me? Yea okay.”. He’s like, “you ready?”.

I'm like, “I'm ready.” He’s like, “Go on.”. And I stepped out. And Immediately when I got out I realized I wasn’t ready. I was not ready at all. I was not ready. I've never seen that many flashes in my entire life.”. You step out and it seems like every camera in the world is flashing at the same time. All of them screaming, it’s like, *Camera’s taking pictures*. It looks like someone threw a teaspoon in a microwave, it's going crazy. *Camera’s taking pictures*. And everyone's screaming your name. It’s like, Trevor! Trevor, Trevor! Trevor! Tevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Now you're trying to find them, you look like a mad man with voices in your head. “Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!”. You’re like, “Yeah, speak to me Jesus.”.

You’re trying, you don’t know where the thing is coming from. They're like, “Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!”. And then one guy throws me off, in the middle of it. He’s like, “Trevor! Give us a pose!”. And I’m like, “a pose?” He’s like, “Yea, a pose.”. I’m like, “No, I don’t know how to pose, I've never thought of posing.”. No one told me, so now I am like. I don’t know what posing is, I’ve never practiced posing. And then the guys, “pose!” And I am like, “I don’t know what’s a pose?”. He’s like, “Come on, something sexy.”. I’m like, “Sexy?” I don’t even know what sexy is. Because I have never practiced. And when I read magazines. I go straight to the woman section, like I don’t look at the men. I don’t see how they're posing.

I look at J-lo and Kim Kardashian. So he’s like, “Sexy”. I’m like, “sexy?” So I just go to what I know. I'm just like... The guy is like, “What the hell? Ok, stop, stop. That’s good.”. “That’s good. Okay, go on, go on. Good job, good job.”. That was stressful, so I move down to the European section. Now I'm getting there, I'm still stressed. The bright lights have got my eyes going and the next guy is there. The guy is like, “Okay Trevor, are you ready?” I’m like, “I’m ready, I’m ready.”.

“all right, over here! Over there! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!”. Some guys didn’t know my name though, I could hear that. Because one guy said Trevor and another guy said Trevor. And the other guys where just like, *Mumbling*. But it’s sort of like a dog, a dog doesn’t really know it’s name. Like if your dog’s name is Spottie and you go, “foggie”. It’s like, “Huh?”. I did the same thing. They were like, *Mumbling*. I am sure there was one guy who like hated me and he was like, “Never!”. And I was like. I am sure there was one guy who like hated me and he was like, “Never!”. And I was like. I didn’t care. I was in the mix, I was posing. I was sexy, I was doing my thing. I was loving it.

And the guy’s like, “Good job, go on, go on.”. And I walked down and I went to the Asian section. And I stood there, and all the photographers were ready. And then they just looked at me. It was... I don’t think you guys, like. It was the weirdest. Cause it was like, flashing, flashing, snapping, flashing, screaming, flashing, snapping. Flashing, screaming, flashing, snapping. Silence. I got there. And they just looked at me. And then they looked at each other. And they looked back at me. They look at me the way you look at food that has just arrived at your table.

But no one has ordered it. That’s the way that they looked at me. Like they were waiting for the menu. Like for the waiter to come and be like, “Sorry, we didn’t order.”. “Did you order, did you order, who ordered. No, we didn’t order this.”. “We ordered celebrities, we don’t know what that is.”. “No, no. We don’t know, we didn’t order.”. That’s how they looking at me. Now I am standing there, I am already posing. Because I have been taught to do it, now I am there. doing my, nothings getting them. Even these ones, nothings working. They're just looking at me and then I don’t know why. like I panicked.

Cause I was embarrassed, I'm not gonna lie. I was embarrassed. No ones taking a picture, no one told me what to do if they don’t take a picture. So instead of just walking away. I started making the sounds with my mouth. Just a defense mechanism I guess. So I panicked, and in the silence I was just like, “Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor! Trevor!”. *sound of cameras flashing*. “Trevor! Trevor” *sound of cameras flashing*. And now they're just looking at me like,

“Trevor! Good job, and was like. Bye.”.