"My Mom Got Shot In The Head" - Trevor Noah - (It's My Culture)

And it was a Sunday morning. I was in bed. still asleep, it was early in the morning. maybe like 9 or 10 o'clock. and the phone rings. and it's my baby brother using my mom's phone. his name is Isaac, he's 9 years old. so I answer the phone like, hello? "Hello, Trevor?". I said, hey Isaac what do you want? "How are you?". I am fine thanks. "I am also fine, thank you.".

I am fine thanks and how are you Isaac? "I am fine thanks and how are you? I am fine thank you. "It's a pleasure.". "Oh, and Trevor are you busy?". yes sort of, why? "No, because mom's been shot.". I am sorry, what? "Yeah, mom has been shot and we are at the hospital. Can you come?". Mom's been shot, okay, what do you mean? Okay of course I can come, which hospital? and he tells me the hospital. can you come? Like he is to polite for his own good.

can you come? Like I am going to have to slot mom into my schedule. "Oh, coffee at two and then, eish! PlayStation at one, okay mom we will try... Come on, can I come? of course I can come, I am panicking. I jump out of bed, I am running around. I am trying to put my clothes on, some things are backwards. I don’t even notice, I don’t even care. I grab the car keys but I am looking for the car keys. I am busy running around there, losing my mind. I jump into the car, into the streets. as soon as I am out the gate, the tears start coming out. You cant even control it, you are just driving and all of the sudden. (Crying).

I am driving, I am trying to hold it back. but then I get to the traffic light and the robot is red. and I let it out, it just comes out. (crying). NO don’t wash my window! No, no, don’t, don’t! Hey, no, no, hey, no, no! Hey, no. (crying).

there I am, driving to the hospital like a mad man. I get there, jump out the car. my brother is standing there at the emergency section. I see him outside, he is just standing like nothing happened, looking around. I am like, Isaac what happened? He's like, "Mom got shot, she's inside". I am like, are you okay? He's like, "mom was shot, not me.". No, that's not what I am saying you idiot. whatever, I am coming back. So I run inside. My mom is in the prep area, all the doctors are standing around her. there is blood everywhere, I am looking at the doctors. and just by the way. doctors are not as good looking as they are on those T.V shows.

No, like they set the bar really high. I was shocked because I ran in and was like what the hell. (Confused). Sorry, that was inappropriate, what's happening here guys? "Sir, you need to leave". I said I was sorry, what's happening? No sir, you cant be here please leave. I am like whatever, okay. So I go outside, the nurse come to me and she is like. "Mr. Noah?" I said yes. "Okay Mr. Noah, we have your wife stabilized right now and". I said, my wife? She said yes, that's Mrs. Noah right? Yes, that's my mom. Oh, I am sorry thought she was. Come on, why would you think she is my wife?

You think I would, she is cool but I mean. like have you seen the girls. oh, I will show you the pictures afterward. What's going on? She's like, "Okay Mr. Noah. your mom has just been stabilized and we are gonna have to start thinking about surgery. She has been shot in the head and she has been shot in the lower buttox region. so this is a very serious thing. I am like, yes it is so what's happening? "Well, we just found out that she doesn’t have medical aid. I said, what? She goes, yeah she doesn’t have medical aid. Now my mom always had medical aid, always. but now it turns out she canceled it a few years ago. I didn’t know this, she canceled it. because she never gets sick. you know those people? I never get sick, I never get sick Trevor.

I never get sick, I don’t know why I have this. I never get sick. Yes, but you didn’t think of bullets. Now she is in the hospital, no medical aid. So I said to the nurse, what does this mean? She says well it means we are going to have to put her back in the ambulance. and send her to a public hospital. I said, but she is bleeding now, you cant send her. She said, " I am sorry sir but that is all we can do, she has to go to public hospital". Now I am panicking, a public hospital? Normally a good place to go, normally. but now what's happening is just mis-administation of funds.

money is going missing, you don’t know what's happening. they don’t have the right equipment. now I am picturing guys trying to fix my mom. There's the doctor, "give me a scalpel". "We got a spanner". "Yeah, bring it. At least it's a shifting. okay, lets try something.". I am stressed. so I said, well what do we do without medical aid? She says, "well, nothing sir.". I said well what if I give you the money? She says, "well, you don’t know how much it will cost sir. you cant unless you give us your card and then we just work from there. I said well take my card, here's my credit card. She goes, "Sir, it can get very expensive".

I said, this is my mom. this is my mom, you use the money. Go! She goes, don’t tell me it's expensive. this is my mother we are talking about, you know? I realized through this I have neglected my brother. he's been standing there the whole time with these big eyes. So I am like hey Isaac, hey Isaac. what's on your mind man. you okay big boy? His like, "Trevor?". Yes? "can I come to your house and play PlayStation later today?". How can you ask me about PlayStation, your mom has just been shot. you cant be asking me about that, whats wrong with you you stupid child!

You know what, you are never going to play PlayStation again, ever. no PlayStation for you ever in your life, ever. Go away, go sit down and think about what you just said! PlayStation, how the hell is he going to ask me about PlayStation. the nurse comes back and she goes, "Okay Mr. Noah. we just used R900 for some blood tests.". I am like okay, why are you telling me this? It's R900, this is my mom. Use the money, go! She goes away. R900, how you gonna talk about that? She comes back and says, " Mr. Noah we need R2000 for some x-rays". This is my mom, not a pair of jeans. use the money, go! She goes away, I am like my mom is going to die. busy asking me questions over here. My mom is gonna die, my mom's gonna die. that's all I am saying, and I say it and my brother hears me.

He starts crying. (crying). I am like, Isaac I am sorry. I am sorry, are you okay? He says, "I am not okay". "you said I am never going to play PlayStation ever in my life! now I cant play Need for Speed and cant play PlayStation". I am like, you still crying about PlayStation? you have no right to cry, you hear me! Shut up, stop crying! You cant cry about this, you shut up! Now a woman comes out, she knows my mom has been shot. now she thinks I am telling my brother not to cry about my mom. She just gets involved, she is like. "Hey, you let him cry okay!

you let him cry, some people express their pain in different ways. you let him cry!". I am like I will not let him cry lady, I will not let him cry. many kids grow up without one, okay. this is not, it's fine. like, he should go play in the park or something. it's not the time to cry right now, what the hell. you spoil your kids, that's your problem. you take it away from them so they can learn about life! You and you, you both shut up! All of you, shut up! I am telling them this, the nurse comes back. She goes, "Mr Noah, we are ready for surgery.". I am like, so do the surgery. She says, "yes but sir, this can get very expensive. ICU and surgery is very expensive". I am like, Lady what is expensive? This is my mother. She says, "anywhere from like R20 000".

I am like, R20 000? This is my mom. "all the way to like R500 000.". Yo, but she has lived hey? I mean. I mean she is like what 57, 57? it's almost finished, you know? even she says she is old, I mean. You know?

You said the bullet is in the head, I mean the head, it's finished. yo, because with that money we need to pay for the funeral. we need to buy scones for everybody. this guy needs a PlayStation, you know. so I don’t know if. she says, "Sir we need the go ahead otherwise we cant do anything". I said okay, well use the card. Just use the card. we will handle the debt. She goes away, I am stressed. because I have seen this happen to people. go into hospital, don’t have enough money.

use your credit card and the next thing you are in debt for years. and the person could die. the person dies and when they die. the doctor doesn’t give you your money back. No, no he doesn’t. because he tried and that is all he has to do. you will get there and be like, Doctor did you win? He would be like (Ironic sound). and your money is gone. that is all I was stressed about. but the most amazing thing happened. turns out my mother was not that badly hurt.

it was a miracle really. the ass bullets. didn’t do much damage. because my family is gifted. the head bullet. didn’t hit anything vital. other than the head, obviously. but it missed her spinal cord. missed the nerves, didn’t touch the brain. went right through, missed the eye. hit the eye socket and deflected. and all it did was cut a piece of her nostril off.

just one side. and the bullet went out clean. which meant she didn’t have to go in for intensive surgery. and her recovery was only a week. Yeah, a week. Which was fantastic. because that means the bill was only R24 000. and she is alive, yes but the bill. was only R24 000. this was great, really great. because R25 000 was my cut-off. So. You laugh but that is how much I calculated I am willing to pay my mom back.

for all the Ultramel custard I have consumed in my life. everything else, none of my business. food, clothes, schooling, all of that stuff I am not paying. I hate it when the parents say that to they're kids. "You know how hard I have to work for your bloody school and clothes". "No, no, no! I didn’t ask to be born, that's your job. Please, you handle that. I asked for the Ultramel, we can keep a tab. don’t involve me in your things.". and that is what I calculated, R25 000. I would have been there, R24 750.

I would have been there by the doctor. Hey Doc, it's fine my man. No stop. no, you tried. you tried, it's cool. no you tried, just switch off there, switch off. How much, 250 left? we will pop a draw, just switch off there, it's fine. you tried. it was fantastic. I told my mom about the 25, she laughed. she didn’t know I was serious. and to show you what a crazy family we have. my mom is in the recovery ward.

she has got these tubes in her and everything. and an I.V. and my brother is in the corner, bored out of his mind. and my grandmother is in the other corner reading the bible. and I am holding my mom's hand and I am crying. still crying, this is a week later. I am still crying. (crying). I have been crying the whole week. but I have also been using this time to cry for other things in my life. No, because as a man you need to know when to cry. you loop it all together and you just cry one time, it's like. like we cry in bulk, you got to understand. You don’t just cry, one, one, one, no.

cry in bulk. so I am crying for everything. (crying). and my mom looks at me and she goes. "Shh Trevor, don’t cry my baby". I said no mom I got to cry, you where shot in the head. She says no, look on the bright side. I said, what bright side? She said, at least now because of my nose. you are officially the best looking person in the family. I was like, by default. (crying).