"Lost My Voice" - Trevor Noah - (It's My Culture)

Sorry, I know this is weird. It's my tea. I know it looks like a magic lamp but it’s not, it's my tea. I have to drink this as much as possible. So it's true, it's kind of like my medicine. I have to drink it why? Because I lost my voice. But it wasn’t like weekend lost your voice, it wasn’t like, "Oh, it was such a great party, I lost my voice" No, no. Voice totally gone.

What happened was I was doing shows in New York, right? A whole lot of performances and then one day, in the middle of a show my voice disapeared. Out of nowhere, I was talking, talking, talking, talking. and then, it's gone. Now. Now at first I thought it was just a small thing, it will go away. but it didn’t, it got worse everyday, everyday my voice got worse and worse. Finally I ended in New York and was coming back to South Africa through London.

So while I was in London I met a doctor there. a horrible doctor because his advice was, "Maybe you should just keep quite Trevor, yeah? maybe you should keep quite, keep quite for a few days. and there after, what you should do is. speak in a confidential voice, yes? speak in a confidential voice.". That's what he told me to do, speak in a confidential voice. a confidential voice is basically you speaking very softly, very hum. So basically everywhere you go you talk like this, you know what I mean? this is basically what you gotta do. Basically like white people in the office.

*whispering*. "What's that?" "No nothing, we're good here, ha, ha ,ha ,ha. see you guys at the braai, ha, ha.". *whispering*. That's a confidential voice.". Now, the problem with a confidential voice. is that you have to lean in when you speak to people, right? and then two things happen. One, I don’t know why. but if you speak softly or you whisper. people will whisper back to you. I don’t know why this happens. I went into a shop, I was trying to buy a computer. This guy comes at me and he says. "Hey sir, how you doing, you good man?

are you good? I was like, "Hey yes, I just need to buy some computers please.". "Oh, you looking at some of those laptops over there?". I said, "Yeah, just some of the laptops.". He said, "Yeah, well over here we have a great range of computers.". "What are you doing, why are you whispering?". "No I am not whispering, I don’t know what you mean.". You are whispering, why? It's like I am injured and now you are limping. what the hell is going on here? The second weird thing that happened was. because I was speaking like this.

some people thought I was trying to have sex with them. Yeah, it was weird for me at first. and then I realise this actually was happening. The worst incident was when I was visiting friends of mine in Adderley, right? and I went to the Chicken Licken with my boys, we are hanging out. it's a normal day, we're just getting food, you know? we walk up to the counter, the woman is there. She's like, "Welcome to Chicken Licken sir, can I take your order please?". I said, "I would like four pieces of chicken please.". She's like,

"You want some chicken?". "I'm gonna give you the breasts and the thighs.". She was chasing me down the street, you know how scared I was. running away holding my chicken. screaming for help in a confidential voice? "Help me, help me, help me.

So this clearly didn’t help. I come back to South Africa and I meet a doctor here, a voice doctor. who happens to be one of the best in the world. and he does an exam of my voice, finds exactly what I have. Hemorrhagic polyp. and he says we have to go in for surgery. which stresses me out, I go what? we have got to go in for the surgery? He says, "Yeah Trevor, that is not helping. Stop doing that.". I said, "what do you mean, the doctor said". "I don’t want to have sex with you so just stop doing that.". "You are going in for surgery.".

Surgery. Surgery, you know how scared I was now? Surgery, it was stressful. the worst thing about the surgery was the proses around the surgery. I wasn’t allowed to speak for the week before the surgery. and then after surgery, completely silent for one month. Yeah, one month. No speaking, no whispering. no humming, no coughing or even sneezing. Nothing. You make no sound otherwise you will damage the voice after surgery, yeah. Which seems easy for the first few days because you think it's fun, you're like.

Oh I will just keep quite, I will just be a mime. and then it gets boring. and then it gets difficult. because then you start meeting people what know you and want to have conversations. Fans in the streets, friendly people you know. White people where the best to me, I wont lie. because white people are impatient, I like that. Yeah, white people don’t have time for anything. I have seen this. White people don’t like to wait, they are always in a hurry, always something to do. They come up to me, "Hey Trevor Noah right, the Comedian?".

"Oh what, you not talking?". "Oh, no voice? Cheers hey, bye.". Gone. Out of my life, no stress. I loved it, I loved it. Great for me. Not so great for white people though, that's why they pay so much in traffic fines, yes. It's true, if you guys where just more patient you wouldn’t pay half as much. Yeah, because black people hardly pay anything, anything at all. Black people get to the traffic thing, you just relax the situation. you just relax the situation, you get there. You know, the guy will come to your window, "Baba, you are not wearing a seat belt".

and you are like, "Ah, seat belt?". "Yeah, no seat belt.". "Eish, seatbelt?". "Yeah, give me your license.". "Ah, license?". "Hey, give me your license man!". "Ah, license, seat belt, license?". "Ah, license, seat belt?". "Hey man!" "Ah, license?". "Hey man, go, go, go, go.". Just relax it. I have seen white people at roadblocks, they have no patients.

They get angry at the metro cop. They get so angry it's like he did something wrong, you see them. They get stop there. "Sorry sir, you where speeding.". "Oh bloody hell man, you guys are everywhere, nobody can drive anymore in this place man!". "you guys are like behind every bush, I don’t know if it's a bush or a metro cop. "What the hell is going on here man!". "Jis like you guys, they should start calling you the fauna and flora police. What the hell! You guys in the bloody bush, you gonna give me a ticket or something?". "No, I was just saying...". "Yeah, bloody hell. Just give me the bloody ticket!". "Oh, you want a ticket, I will give a ticket. I will give you the damn ticket!".

"Yeah, just give me the bloody ticket!". "Yeah I am going to give you the ticket and your indicator is not working. "Boom, one thousand!". Just bring it down, just relax. just be a bit patient. White people have no patients, none. The complete opposite end of the spectrum, and the people I dreaded meeting when I had no voice. was Indians. No, Indians are the worst human beings you will ever meet.

if you are trying to have short conversations. I don’t know what it is about Indian people but they are. the most inquisitive people you will ever come across in your life. Question after question, after question. after question, it's just like a thing in their culture. They have just got to ask questions. Questions, questions, questions, questions. That's why there's no Indian GPS, you wouldn’t get anywhere. You would not get anywhere. You would be fighting with your car. "Take me to Woolworths please". "Why do you want to go to Woollworths here boss?". "Just take me to Woolworths dammit!".

Questions and questions. I met a group of Indians guys one day. it was a Saturday morning, these guys see me. they very cool, the guy is like, "Hey Trevor Noah, Trevor Noah? "what's happening bro? How you doing man? Hey check this off, Hazier?". Hey Hazier, you know this ou bro?". Yeah, the comedian. We got all your DVD's here Trevor. Yeah, we bought them at Vorgeburg man. Hey man, hey bro you are tops man, you are tops bro! Hey, you are killing us with the jokes man, killing us. Now when are you doing another show man?".

"What you are not talking now?". "You lost your voice?". "What happened?".