"It Makes No Sense!" - Trevor Noah - (African American)

I just got back from Atlanta. it was a 107 degrees Fahrenheit The hottest weather. the worst thing is everybody comes up to me and they go well you must be used to this being from Africa. and I’m like No I am not. I am from Africa but that shit is hot. That was just No. I was scared to go jogging because I thought if I ran out into the street and fainted. wouldn’t the local news love that. Id be running and fall down in the heat. they would have they’re vans reporting live. they would be standing there going. It is so hot in Atlanta even Africans are fainting.

so I am enjoying this really happy to be here. this is going to be good for us I hope. I say I hope because I never know with standup comedy. It’s an awkward experience I find I am always nervous. I find comedy is very similar to sex for me. Well it’s exactly like sex if you think about it. Me the comedian playing the role of the man.

and you the audience, the roll of the woman. because it’s my job to satisfy you. and you just have to sit there. and then just like sex my success or failure will somehow be determined. by how much noise you make during my performance. which makes it a one-sided affair I think.

Yea I don’t know maybe you’re the quite type. I hope we have magic tonight I hope we create something wonderful. for many of us it is our first time and that means it might be awkward. I understand this. and if that’s the case I want you to know I will look into your eyes. I will see that I am freaking you out and I will stop. I will stop and flip you back over and we will go back to the simpler stuff.

I've been in America for a few months now. and I am really just thrown by the place. its not what I expected at all. different from the brochures and the pamphlets. There’s many assumptions I had about America before I came here. and I have come to learn that those are wrong. for one, I just assumed people speak English here. its far from it. its not so much the language as the pronunciation of words. that throws me off. It's what Americans have done with the language. you guys have just, wow. You've done something.

you put 22's on the English language. you just have rims that say pimp my language. that's what you've gone with, you know. I was chatting to this woman down town the other day. She came up to me and she wanted me to see something. I don’t know what though, she was like. O my God, look over Thur. I said look over what? She’s like Over Thur. Look that her. and I said her? She’s like No Her hair. wait a minute There’s two of them?

I understand nothing even the small words. just the pronunciation The small things that get you by. for instance I pronounce the opposite of Uncle. as Aunt I say my Aunt. Out here you say my Ant. which to me is an insect. which made me look like an ass. when my friend told me his Ant died. I was like so what There’s tons of those out there.

a great way to end the friendship. I couldn’t get help the other day when searching for a battery for my remote control. because that’s what I say a battery, a small form of power. In America you say Baderee. which to me is a different form of power. sponsored by Chris Brown.

and you know what I don’t understand We live on different sides of the globe. so it’s fine The language we will evolve. this is something I have come to understand but I hope I change one thing in your hearts forever. just one thing and that is. that animal in the wild that looks like a horse. it has black and white stripes. please from now on it’s not Zeebra okay. It’s Zebra. just like it’s not Deebra, it’s Debra.

same structure of word. plus you can not name them because you do not have them. Zebra. It's madness, everything out here is different. do you know how hard it is to learn when you come out here? you have to change everything, there's the measurement system. which is just, I mean America, you guys. you have your own thing the imperial system. on my side of the world we use the metric system. and by my side I mean the rest of the world. where the metric system which is amongst other things very deficient. it’s a very simple proses everything goes into each other.

and out here you have imperial which is fine I won’t judge you. if you want to be imaginary it’s up to you. but I just feel there’s some consistency that’s needed. small things for instance. when we abbreviate our small measurements milligrams. we use mg milligrams. mg milligrams right. you guys have ounces. ounces that you then abbreviate. oz. there’s no z in the word ounces.

I don’t know. that’s pale in comparison to what you did with pounds. that for me please explain to me. how the abbreviation for pounds became lbs. lb pounds. I look like the idiot walking into a store going. could I please have the 2 lbs bag of sugar. he said you mean pounds? I said I don’t see the P No I don’t. oh well it means pounds. lbs a lot of bullshit is what it stands for.

It’s horrible. in fact it’s crazy. you do realize the imperial system is so inefficient. that even American drug dealers have switched over to metric. even drug dealers got to the point where they said. we need some order we’re going with metric. and I honestly thought this was an anomaly.

I thought you know what this is just one of those things that’s a coincidence. but it’s not, the Americans do not care about abbreviations nor the English language. they just don’t give a damn. I learned this in the small things like when I was in Tennessee. I stumbled on a organization known as the Ku Klux Klan. you heard of them? worst magic show ever. guy gave me a pamphlet saying come meet the grand wizard. Grand wizard the grand wizard. didn’t do one trick not one trick.

I mean I noticed a few black people disappear but I mean that’s not magic. no that’s just Reaganomics I wasn’t impressed by that. like where’s the magic I sat there forever. these guys running around in they’re sheets. Hee Haa! the KKK as they are affectionately known. has nobody bothered to tell them ever that you do not spell clan with a K. Nobody stopped, even in America clan is spelled with a C. the Ku Klux clan they are the KKC not the KKK.

you realize that? Klu kluks Clan. a C In fact the name is wrong. the whole thing the Ku Klux part of it it’s just horrible. because they got that as you know from ancient Greece. it was Klu Klux Alvion meaning a circle of brothers. and that’s how they got they’re name. They call them self a Greek circle of brothers. which is wrong for two reasons. One. if the sole purpose as an organization is to hate black people. don’t you find it strange that you have now named yourself. the circle of Brothers.

and secondly. do they realize that in ancient Greek circles of brothers. where doing very different things. with one another. very loving very, you know, yea. if they were really a Greek circle the sheets would be a bit higher up. just more of a yea. there would be one more hole.