If You Ruled the World: Listener Grab Bag | What Now? with Trevor Noah Podcast

You're listening to what Now with Trevor Noah. So it's Thanksgiving. week here in the United States. And guess what? We have a little bonus episode just for you. Perfect. to help spark a conversation. at your Thanksgiving table. Yeah. And hopefully, hopefully. a conversation. that won't lead to someone. storming out of the room. If you've been listening. to the show for a while, you know that one of our favorite. games is If I Ruled the World. And you probably know how it works.

Everyone comes up with one suggestion. If you were in charge. of the world, you could do anything, anything you want. What would it be? What would you change? You make your case and then everyone. votes on it. And if you get enough votes, that change would happen. in your hypothetical world. Well, today, if I ruled the World Listener edition, we got a bunch of suggestions. for ideas from you, the whatnot, listeners. and Christiane, I'm back with Medina.

Josh Johnson and I. Well, we run through them. and we decide if we would, in fact, want to live in your world. It's a fun one. So let's get into it and. this is what now. with Trevor Noah. So before we get into today's. If I Rule the World yet. since it's Thanksgiving week,

I've been thinking a lot. about the kinds of conversations. we have when we gather. with friends and loved ones around the table. And a lot of people ask me this question. They'll say, Trevor, what do you do with your family? Like, how do you keep it light? And look, I don't have a perfect answer for this, but I noticed there was a distinct difference. in how some people started having. their Thanksgiving conversations, especially over the past decade, let's say, and how we would gather with family members. back in the day in South Africa.

And the biggest one was. we started all our conversations. speaking about things that we all experienced. Just taking people down memory lane, you know, connecting around. like crazy stories, like, you know, grandparents would. talk about the grandkids. and how much they'd grown. and like embarrassing stories. from their lives and, you know, and then the parents would talk. about their first time. having a Christmas dinner. because obviously we didn't. have Thanksgiving in South Africa, but we had family gatherings. and family dinners.

where everyone came together. at a certain time of year. And what I noticed is. if you start conversations. with the fond memories that connect people, you spend less time in the politics of now. that divides people. And it doesn't mean. you can't talk about politics. I'm not saying that. But just remember what you're trying to do. You're trying to connect. with other human beings around a table, sharing a meal. It doesn't matter what the holiday is. That's fundamentally the purpose. And so if that's the purpose, think about the best way to go about that.

It's finding a way. to connect with another human being's heart. And a lot of the times, our memories are where our heart lives. So I don't know, try it's, you know, ask your parents. about a funny story. from when you were young. that maybe you've forgotten about. Tell them to share something. embarrassing about you that maybe. you didn't know about, you know? And then you can tell them a story. from your childhood. Something that you got. away with that you always hoped.

they would never find out. And I don't know. Let's connect. and see if we can make this one. a little less about politics. and a little bit. more about the human beings. connecting around this time of year. And maybe this will give. you some inspiration to play around of. if I ruled the world. with your friends and family. and see if things. stay a little more fun and insightful. Right. And remember to think big. Think about crazy. Think just completely out of the box. In fact, if you want inspiration, take a listen to me. Christiana and Josh,

right after this short break. And we'll look at that. We're in the real world now. Here are a few that came in. I'm going to read them to you. I mean, we're still judges. Reading and reacting. I will read them to you. and then we'll vote on them. Okay. Okay. First suggestion.

If I ruled the world, all airplanes would board from back to front. and we'd remove all Wi-Fi from planes. No, I mean, they had me with the first sentence. I don't know why they would ruin it. with the second one. Yeah. What, you want the WiFi? I'm like we both. I just started flying business class, and now you guys want to take it away from me. It's just Wi-Fi, though. Yeah, but if you're in the business class. and you board later,

that's more time to be in the lounge. Potentially. If you really think about this as, like, a real champagne capitalist, Right. Okay, Let all the pause get on first. Right. What's the point of the capitalism. if you're not treated better? No, no, You are treated better because you get. to an inner lounge for longer. Yeah. No, but then you lose the overhead space. No, you don't. Because they save it for business class. They save it. The only people who lose it. are the people in the middle. They're screwed. The better boy paid more for their ticket. Yeah, they did it. It's crazy.

They did, actually. Yeah. So you're. No. Absolutely not. And I want we fly on a plane. You like wife on a plane? Yes, I'm on TikTok. I'm on Instagram, I'm scrolling, I'm in the family WhatsApp group. You know, we need to discuss your habitual connectedness. yeah. I'm heavily online. You know, that's the one time where I'm gone. Gone, gone, gone in ways. that you cannot imagine. Why got. No when I'm on a plane, I'm like, Guys, there is nothing that needs me on a plane. I'm gone. I have like that old vibe to it. where I'm just like, he's on a plane. You know who I'm like, Remember Justine Sacco?

yes, the girl. Yeah, the girl made the joke. The woman who made the joke. was like going to Africa over. I don't get AIDS lol. Just joking. I'm white. and then. landed in Africa and her family was like, You need to go back to America. and the whole world was like, You're fired and we hate you. Yeah, I live that kind of life. I don't want to know anything. that's happening on the ground. because I'm on a plane, even if, like, an asteroid hit. It's none of my business. I'm on a plane. It's nice to be unreachable. Yes, So I agree with that.

And that's why. I would say, even though I'm. not fully in favor of the WiFi, I think. there are certain movies. that I don't even try. to watch unless I'm on a plane. There's there's got to watch it right away. Wait till it comes out on streaming plane. Yes. And so I think if I had wi. fi on the plane, I wouldn't. You wouldn't watch. Them? I wouldn't watch them. Yeah. So I'll go fully. Yes. With this. No wife. But then Cristiano voted no on it. and now I'm like okay. And board from back to front. You and Josh.

You have to board from back to front. because the chaos that happens. that the way that we do it now. Yes, we're we're late. Every time. they have to make up. time in the air. on the last like five flights. I've been on. because we get to the back. and they said that it was full. But then everybody's like, I'll risk it. And they're sitting. in all these different areas. And so now people have to go to the back. because it's the only place in the space. But then people who finally get to the back. who were boarding last. because they're Group Z, they're the ones they're like,

But this should have been my space. And now there's an argument. you got to board back to front. So I've seen somebody deal with this. I guess they were like a. I don't know what level of math. you have to be doing, but apparently the best way. is not back to front. And it's not front to back. because if you do back to front, there's also going to be issues, apparently. So your problem would come in. when you're actually boarding. because now Josh is seat 30. I'm 29. You're 28. But if I get on the plane and then Christiana, then. you still going to have people close. to the trouble.

Yeah. So you'd have to line people up outside. by this seat, by their row, and then you don't have. enough space in the airport to do that. So that's why it fails. The real way you're supposed to do. it is actually it's supposed to be like. alternating seats. and alternating sides is how. the plane is supposed to board from. like just like left, left, right, right. But like, flip one, skip one. It's very complicated. It's not going to happen. So whoever sent that in, thank you very much for listening. to the podcast, but it's a no. He has a few more. All bosses are. selected by employee votes. No.

that's that's the beautiful way. to lose a company that. That's democracy is. Bad like you can't if you. because this is a thing. I'm a pretty likable guy. it doesn't mean I'm effective. To shame my. Friends. So it's why. everyone might vote for me to be their boss. They know I won't say no to PTO. So now, because I never say. no to PTO, I'm the only one at work. and the company is losing hella money. We're hemorrhaging. Yeah.

What people should vote on is salaries. What do you mean? That should be radical salary, transparency. I you know what everyone makes. Yes, that's. I mean, like every year, you know, when it's like promotions and raises. We vote on other people's salaries. Yeah. So why, why, why, why, why, why do you, you know, do. You know what. people will treat each other. so well in that office? Why? You know, or why. You have warfare? How many, many true crime documentaries, you know, where like, the poll is one in.

The CEO, you know, like. the CEO's salary is assigned to that. I'm saying. if we're going to be voting on anything, shouldn't be. Who's the boss? It's like you are. You're literally creating murders, class, war. You are literally. when I find out that Shosh voted against. my salary. But why would he unless he said his his vote. I Let me tell you something, people are getting killed. You have created an office of murderers. I'm going to vote no as well, because I just think it's ridiculous. I'm voting yes. But I know you're. Voting. Yes. Yeah.

Class warfare, baby. Whoever you are, you vote on Josh the Joker. The worst version of. this is the. Josh that, like, if he falls into. a vats of acid, we're all screwed. The only thing holding. Josh back. from this character. is that he's, like, a functioning member of society. So that's two, two no's and a yes. Yeah. All right. It's a no. But thank you. for listening to the podcast. next person says, If I ruled the world, I would ban single ply toilet paper. Yes, because it's it's a lot like a. government program.

where they don't really help you. I would rather have no toilet paper in there. than toilet paper. I can see through. when I look at it with in my hand. You've clearly only grown up. in a first world country. Do you guys know this stuff. before toilet paper? Yeah. Yes. I watched my ass with newspaper for like. years of my life. Newspapers thicker than one ply. Have you ever met the corner. of a newspaper that you folded those? No. There's no edges on toilet paper. It's sharp, but.

Yes, sharp in your butt. Exactly. Like shop in your butt. Exactly. This is a very first world opinion. You would rather have no toilet paper. One ply is your hand. I will. I would not use my hand. I've used my hand. If you used your hand. I've used my hand. I use one ply. First of all, why do people act like. you can't fold the toilet paper? What would crazy will do? Because when you were. Yeah, when you when you try to wrap one ply. Yes I'm. This can't make to ply one plus one equals one.

Let me explain something here. One ply. is like flying coach at the back of a plane. It is the least good way to do something. But you are still flying in a plane. Everything else is. walking or being on like a ship. The way that my fingers have. You want to have. you wipe your ass before without toilet paper? I've intentionally. No, not intentionally intention to. Yes, I have had to use. intentionally. I have. Josh, I have.

Let me tell you something. Don't ever wish toilet paper out of your life. I'm not saying I wash. all the toilet paper out my life. I'm just saying that one ply is so bad. Yeah, you'd ban it. But then now there's. Now we have no ply. Okay, I'm ready to vote. Mine is no Christiana. No, but. because I think it's good for the planet, I don't know how. things work, but less paper. So. All right, Josh? Yes, because. It's barely real toilet paper. All right. Well, that's the who knows And one. Yes, you're.

if I ruled, the world was voted down. But thank you very much. for listening to the podcast. We really appreciate you. Thank you so much. We're going to continue this conversation. right after this short break. All right. Here's another one. If I ruled the world, high schools would start. No earlier than 9 a.m.. That's brilliant. Yes, Fine. Teenagers need sleep. Yeah, It's like that's like. part of the problem. Yeah, there would be more kids.

in extracurriculars. if some of them weren't at, like, 7 a.m. extracurriculars. Yeah. So, like, some. Some of the clubs. Like, for instance, I did a quiz bowl. when I was in high school. You did what? It's like trivia for high school. I was a virgin. So you did what? What is it? I just don't know what this is. Quiz bowl is like, Okay, It's like, imagine Jeopardy! But for everybody. and you go up against other schools, okay? And you do Jeopardy!

Pretty much. But it's not like the structure of picking. off the board. Okay? It's like. I'm gonna ask you what the most. random questions you ever heard. Yeah, you might know the answer. You might not, but your school gets points. If you do, could. You be like, Yo, there's a girl Tinashe at. our school, and she has what on her backpack? Can you ask a question like that? It's all Jeopardy type thing. Okay, so it's more just motion. Yeah, okay, think of that. But it's more specific. than general knowledge, which is also.

And you did this what time. It would be. Maybe I went there at seven. Who designs your schools? But school starts at like 830. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, no, no, I understand that we also had it. So if you're going to do extracurricular, that's before school. Why? When, why would you guys. have extracurriculars before school? Because you, we call them. extracurriculars because it was extra. Yeah. You cannot do extra before. apparently. Imagine doing. your restaurant. and you're like, could I get an.

extra side of rice and the like? We haven't even served yet. What are you adding the extra to? The whole point of extracurricular. is that you have your curricular. Then this is extra. Yeah. You can start with. It's we. We're fixing the wrong problem here. In your scenario, you would just say welcome to America. because that is what we do. Yeah, but you seem to know that. Is it. What's it like in the UK? No, in the U.K., we have like a. little bit of socialism. So there you go. You hang out in the beginning. Yeah. Yes. You know. So. Yeah, it was nothing. I don't. Know. I this is a weird one for me.

It's also the only way you. Could, I'd actually say start school. at ten and finish at three. That would be my proposal. Start school at ten. Yeah. Finish at. Three. Yeah. That we want proposal. Okay. I don't know. So I haven't. I have a different proposal. I think you should start earlier. but do nothing for longer. No, but they have to get out of bed. That's the issue. They need to sleep because they. need to grow. How much they need? Ridiculous. 12 to 14 hours. 12 to 14 hours. Teenagers, your brains, your bones. Like it's. It's insane. They need to have done sports.

where they're like so much sleep. That's why we think they're dumb. because they don't sleep enough. And then we try to teach them. and then at least I'm. just talking about in the States, we try to teach them and they're tired. Then we give them a test and then they fail. And then we're like, okay, moving on to the next, more difficult subject. And they have to go home and study. Yeah. So like, do that extra extracurricular. Okay, okay, I'll, I'll vote then I'll vote yes. Yeah. This seems well considered. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. Whoever you are. Congratulations.

You have achieved the first. Yes. If you ruled the world, high schools. would start no earlier than 9 a.m. This person had an opportunity. to rule the world. and they just moved it by like an hour. I mean, that's responsible. use of power, but not very creative. But thank you for listening to the podcast. The next suggestion we got was. if I ruled the world, everyone, no matter. their job, has to shadow a service employee. one day a month. What is a service employee? They wait time. Okay. Okay. I was making sure.

No, listen. No, for me. What do we. What are we defined by? Shadow? I think. Shadow means like, do the job. You. Do. I thought Shadow meant. just watching someone do the job. Yeah. My shadows never helped me do anything. Yeah, you just. I want to. Having you had that as a comedian. I want to shadow you for comedians. Don't shadow anybody. But. But the way that I shadowed when I. When I was working at, like, a regular. Job. Was to do a mini version of the job. Josh, I think you got tricked. into saying maybe. Yeah, that was. Yeah.

I don't think that shadow. So maybe we should vote. Yeah, I really think that's unpaid work, mate. Maybe we should vote then. I think what. I think shadowing is literally. you just, like, see how the person does it. Yeah, well, what is the purpose of this? I don't think they want us to gain. empathy for, like, service workers. But if anything, watching someone do that. job up close, you always have less empathy. Yeah, like that looks easy. Yeah, I do that. Yeah, That's why I gained a respect, because then they would hand it to me and then.

You see how hard it is. Yeah. So I thought Shadow man. No. Because you know, has a. shadow is attached to you. Like I thought that you had to be. Just some of them do anything. No, it's a touch but doesn't do anything. No, I see that now. Okay, I see, I see. I see what actually happened to me. I'm ready to vote on this one. Then I say, No. No. No. There's a no for you. No, I guess not. Now, knowing. what the understood shadow is, I'd say no.

It's a no. Yeah. I thought, thank you so much for submitting, but you will be the only person. shadowing somebody at their job. Well, thank you for listening. All right. Our final idea. from the people who listen to the show, If I ruled the world, all toilet stalls. should be. completely soundproof. We don't need to hear. what's going on in there. Okay, This one I'm. really going to tell you is a no. For me, this is like the joy. of going to a public toilets. You like to listen? I don't like to listen, but that's the joy of it's.

it's like a horror movie. I don't like horror movies, but if I took out the scary parts, then it wouldn't be a horror movie, a public toilet without the sound. There's not a public toilets. You know, to I mean, guys, it would be true. It would be creepy. Imagine going into a. public toilet and is silent. Want That is creepy. I here's the thing. I'm going to vote. no with you, but for very different reasons. Like I feel like I don't love the sounds. and I'd rather. Okay. You misunderstanding me, you misunderstand me. No one loves the sounds,

but the sounds of part of the experience. I don't want. I don't even want to hear the toilet flush. I mean, I wish I wasn't in there. when I'm in there. So when you went in, That's the point. Yeah, that's the point. But the. But the sound, I would say, needs. to be. left up to the environment. because I went to the bathroom. and there was a guy who fell, right? yeah, we know he fell because he was like, I fell right. Inside one of the. In the stall.

And if it had been soundproof, who knows? No one would have helped him. Yeah, you could die in there. Okay. Have you ever used the public toilet. and needed toilet paper. and asked somebody to bring it? And I've done that once, once in my life. That happened to me back in South Africa. But that happened once. And I was like, Amen, There's no toilet paper. And then I had to shut out a little paper. and then someone handed it to me. Over the stool. Yeah. No, no. I got mine rolled to me. They rolled it on the floor. Yeah. So you wipe your ass with all the floor?

No, it has more. It's unrolling as it rolls it. It travels the way that it also. You left the part of it that had. Yeah. So basically I was in a bathroom. in a restaurant. that was our toilet paper, and I had to wait until somebody came in. And so. then I was like, I like I need help. And the person was like, okay, I got you right. And then they left and they never came back. They didn't have me.

Wow. And then someone else. eventually came in. I was like, Hey, I need some help. I need toilet paper. And they were like, Ooh, I got you. Okay. And then they left. and I was worried they wouldn't come back. But when they came back, they had the big old roll. Yeah, that big roll. that you installed on the thing. Yeah. Yeah. And he bowled it under to me. and it was a it was a real hero move. I like this. All right. I will see you get. To meet the person afterwards. You remember back in the day. on that TV show, Rescue 911, you get to meet the operator. who saved your life. So did you get to meet the person?

Did you like them. and take a picture afterwards? No, because I started thanking him. that he left because. because he knew I was wiper. while I was thinking of. And I think that was too much for him. All right, so we ready to vote? All toilet stalls. should be completely soundproof. Mine is a definite no. Yeah, I've changed. I'm changing to not only because. in ladies toilet. I don't know if you know this about women, but when I used the club ten years ago, before my life was over and I had kids, you just. You hear so much gossip. You see, it's part of the experience.

Gossip also known as oral history. You know, So, like, I like you. when on the toilet. you just hear people talk again. You even know the character. Exactly. See how you see this? I mean. This is yet another thing. that'll make people feel isolated. It will make you feel alone. And do you know how nice. it is to sit in a stall, go through something physically, and know someone next to you. is going through the same? Well, I like the person that coughs. because they're about to drop a load. that you see. This is what I mean. This is now. you understanding what I mean.

You were so against me. in the beginning and now you get it. The sounds make this what it is. I vote no. No. Toilet stalls. should not be completely soundproof. No. No. Well, there you go. That is a flat out No. We'll be hearing you take a dump. Whoever you are. But thank you so much. for listening to the podcast. So the only thing that. got passed from the public. high schools will start no earlier than 9 a.m. So we'll see you at 901. Our listeners are really concerned with toilet. paper like what is going on. in the bowels of life.

It's actually why it's so hard. to change the world. Look at all those proposals. It's really only one thing. That people don't think big enough. Well, there it is if I rule the world. Listener addition. Thank you, every single one of you. for your wonderful suggestions. Even though we shut down almost all of them. But I mean, that's the nature of the game, right? And guess what? We want to hear much more from you. So we have a what now? Email address. It's what now? At day zero productions become.

what nowadays zero Productions dot com. Get in touch. with any comments. about the show, suggestions for future topics. or guests. and more of your. If I rule the world ideas, I promise we won't shut them all down. By the way. So, you know, send us a few. Let's, let's, let's see what happens. Tell us your name. and where you're writing from. and better yet, recorded as a voice memo and send it along. so we can play it on the show once again. That's what now a day zero production. Scum has reached the show. We'll be back. next week with a full new episode. In the meantime,

from everyone on the show, we wish you a happy Thanksgiving. May all your plane boardings be smooth. and all your toilet paper be true. Play. What Now with Trevor Noah. is produced by Spotify Studios. in partnership with Day Zero Productions. The show is executive produced by Trevor. Noah, Seema. Yasmin and Jodi AV. Again, our senior producer is just Haskell. Claire Slaughter is our producer. Music. Mixing and Mastering by Hannah Brown.

Thank you so much for listening. Join me next Thursday for another episode. of What Now?