"Good Credit, Buy Anything!" - Trevor Noah - (African American)

It’s crazy, I’m loving it. Living the American life it’s crazy. I actually learned to drive out here which was fun. Had to get a car obviously. Which I just almost couldn’t get. Had to fill out form and they want your credit. because in America credit is very important. I don’t understand the concept. I went to the car dealership and there was this Asian gentleman helping me. And we are going through the forms and he says. How long have you lived in America for? I said I haven’t lived here for long. He said oh this no good for you, this no good for you.

I said what do you mean. You can not lease car in America unless you been here long time. Because you don’t have credit okay. I said well I’ve got the money to pay for it. He says yes that’s not the point okay. That’s not the point in America okay. In this country we want credit okay. Our country focus on credit. If you got good credit you can buy anything. We don’t care about money we want credit. I said credit is the assumption that you can pay. He’s like no that don’t count here okay.

In our country if you got good credit you can buy anything okay. His like our country our country and I was like. Look I hate to be rude but when you say our country. Do you mean our because you live here now. Or our because the Chinese own it. And he was like ah it’s a bit of both okay. But no credit no car for you goodbye. I couldn’t just buy myself a car. this horrible thing, drive around.

and that's the worst thing, driving in America, wow. on the other side of the road. you feel like a rebel you know. until you see the other cars coming and then it's not so much fun. you know how many times I did that, just going to the wrong side? Ugh! and don’t trust movies, it's not easy to do that whole thing. No people don’t just drive, no they stop. they just look at you, "what are you doing!". In the movies you drive past. "what are you doing!". no they don’t drive, they just wait for you to turn around.

and the streets are so small, you're doing one of those turns. just watching them and you're ashamed, its horrible. I had to practice for months, it was the worst. I remember I drove into a street once. I thought I had learned, it had been months and I'd been doing it well. and then I turned into the wrong way. and I saw this little old Asian lady driving towards me. and I was like, "No!". and there was nobody else so I swerved the car around. I was like woo, yeah, hero! and I drove and there where 50 cars coming this way.

and I was like, Ugh you bitch! Ugh! and funny, I told my friend this story. I told him like this, I was like this is what happened. and he was like, "Ah, that's so funny man, that's so funny. and he asks who was driving the car? I said a little old Asian lady. He's like, "Oh yeah, you cant say that man, you cant. you cant say that. I said, what do you mean? He's like, yeah you cant say she's Asian. I said why not? He's like,"yeah, because that's racist.". I said what, that she's Asian?

He's like, "No, if she's a bad driver. and you say she's Asian, that's racist.". I was like, so let me get this straight. Asian's are not allowed to be called bad drivers? is this not racism in it self? everyone else is allowed the world of bad drivers. but if I'm driving on the freeway behind an Asian person. and they are swerving around. and I go, this bad driver you drive like crap! and I pull up next to them like. Oh no, sorry, ha ha. you're not a bad driver, you're just Asian. I'm sorry. isn’t it racism in it self?

it's madness. so now what I had to do to get around is use a GPS. I decided to get one of those. first I tried to be a cheapskate. I thought get a phone with a GPS. it was a horrible mistake. bought myself one of those I phones with Siri. your assistant she talks to you, she listens to you. if you're American. she does not understand one word I say. I don’t understand why, I speak English. I'm there talking to her (sound).

She's like, what do you need? I'm like Siri, please call Peter. you want pizza? No, no, cancel, cancel. Siri, I need Peter. "you want pizza?" No, Siri, Siri? I want Peter not Pizza. "You want pizza?" No, no. No Siri, what's going on here. You want to, Peter, Siri, Siri, Peter, Siri, Siri. "You are not making sense." Siri, are you having a attitude at me? "you tell me" I don’t know what the hell is going on here.

Siri, just listen to me. "I don’t know" What do you mean you don’t know? Siri just, ah bitch! Ugh! "Dialing mom" What the hell?! It's just horrible. that's when I had to buckle down and get myself a real GPS. to get me around. which has been working like a charm. if you don’t have a GPS, get yourself one. it's the best thing you'll ever do. just don’t make the mistake I made, and buy it from Craigslist. I bought one of Craigslist.

but the guy who sold it to me didn’t tell me. that it was a Spanish language GPS. which is not so good. I didn’t understand anything she says. I still get around because the arrows are in English, thank God. but otherwise it was just horrible. and I hated it the first few days, and then. and then I fell in love with her, she's just you know. I don’t understand why more Americans don’t speak Spanish. it's such a sexy language. I’m just sitting there, and all the men in here you want to feel like a man.

you get yourself a Spanish GPS. Oh no, you don’t understand. traffic never sounded sexier, just like. I'd just punch in random destinations and she guides me around. She's like (GPS sound). (GPS Speaking Spanish). (GPS Speaking Spanish). and I'm just like, ha, ha, ha. ha, ha, oh shucks Tomtom, ha, ha.

don’t say that all the time, ha, ha. it's just sexy you know. she guides me around, it's beautiful. I love that, I'm going to learn Spanish because of that. Definitely, Spanish has gone up on my list. I had a few languages and Spanish was like the 6th language. I spoke 4 languages in South Africa. and then the 5th language was going to be Japanese. and then Spanish, but now Spanish has gone up. Japanese I've had to pause. because of the earthquake, there's not that many of them traveling now. it's just sad, there's like no one now.

they used to walk around the streets, you know. but Spanish has gone up. because I was getting good at Japanese, don’t get me wrong. I was getting really good. you know and it's a great language, it's powerful. because you speak Japanese from your chest it makes you feel strong. (Speaking Japanese). very strong. where as English you speak from the head. and the chest. do you know what I mean? your head and chest. you wouldn’t know this. you wouldn’t know this if you listened to many coastal girls in America.

like I've been in places like California where woman. insist on speaking English from their nose. which is not the correct way. "like oh my God. you guys gonna like do this. and I was like there with Tiffany and we where talking and then". that's not the right way, you're not using your lungs. I know this because when I choked her. she sounded exactly the same. She's there and she's like. "Oh my God you're like totally choking me right now. and I cant breath and. this is so not on, I'm gonna Tweet about this.

this is like the worst thing ever. I am so dying, OMG". you know, it's horrible. where Japanese is strong. Japanese you speak from the chest, you know. a lot of Americans are learning Chinese I see. you know, I see people like. "you gotta learn Chinese. they are taking over, Chinese. Ne hao ma! she shing nei. Sha Nez". it's too late to learn Chinese, it's over.

No its true, because it's also one of the hardest languages in the world. I mean how do you learn Chinese now? they've got over 10 thousand characters in their alphabet, you know this? 10 thousand characters. we've got 26 in English. and there's still people going what comes after Q. twenty six. this is you know, 10 they have got that's super smart. they must have the worst sesame street in the world. it must suck being a Muppet in that country.

see them on a Monday morning singing to the kids. (singing in Chinese). 5 years later. (singing in Chinese). it's just horrible. Horrible.