"First Visit To Australia" - Trevor Noah (Melbourne Comedy Festival)

[Applause]. [Music]. good evening more nuts. sorry I get nervous when I starts a. comedy satire ha I find I find comedy is. very similar to sex for me well it's.

exactly like sex when you think about it. you know just me the comedian playing. the role of the man you the audience the. role of the woman because it's it's my. job to satisfy you and you just have to. sit there. and then just like six my successful. failure is somehow determined by how. much noise you make during my. performance are you just faking it now.

thank you so one-sided affair so I hope. you want the quiet types. [Applause]. makes it worse when the guy laughs in. the middle of it it's not meant to be. funny this is my first time in Australia.

and I must say I'm enjoying it after two. days of traveling to get here I finally. arrived and it's it's a quite a quaint. place it wasn't supposed to take me that. long we were delayed first delay was was. I got to the airport in Johannesburg I. was on a Qantas flight and they said. sorry sir there's a bit of a delay I. said how long they said 24 hours so. that's not a delay that's cancellation. so it's another day. so they said come back tomorrow I came. back the next day and then we tried it.

again and this time we were on the plane. and there was another delay of about 4. to 5 hours we were stuck on the tarmac. and the plane couldn't take off because. the aeroplane wasn't balanced I've never. heard of that in my life. that's what the pilot said and like. because he's a pilot we believed him. just he just said it because the pilot. sounds serious when they saying it he. came out he said ladies and gentlemen. I've got a bit of a problem on the plane. Don what's going on seems like it's not. balanced but we'll have to check on. what's going on and we'll get back to.

you soon as we know. as soon as he said that I looked at the. fat people but not not in a bad way not. in a bad way just in an objective manner. like hey you guys can't sit together. neither sits on the other plane probably. you probably you speaking of fat people.

is Biggest Loser the biggest show inside. in Australia that's all I see on TV this. is the Biggest Loser I love that show. it's fantastic it's always on TV what a. fantastic show for those who don't know. The Biggest Loser is a show where they. try and help fat people lose weight but. through torture basically yes both. emotional and physical yeah they do. horrible things like leaving food in the. house that they're living in then ask. them why they eating it why did you eat. the food Kevin what did you eat the food. because it was there and he's fat that's.

what he does that's like he's specialty. you knew this before he came while. you're not acting shocked they should do. a show about the people that make the. show and call them the biggest. that's what they should say. I love it's an amazing show. but yeah so we're flying so we flew so. flew from Johannesburg to Sydney Sydney. you come in and then you have to leave. the airport and then go back into the. airport to fly you go through border.

control very friendly I must say. Australia I'm very impressed very. friendly border control you guys are. very chilled out very cool like visas. not not really like needed sort of it is. but not like the TIV visa. no you know I learned the secrets are. getting through from a few Chinese men. that were ahead of me is that you just. have to irritate the border police and. then they just let you in there's a guy. ahead of me and the woman was asking him. scuse me sir where you gonna be staying. in a strike now where you're staying. Callooh Callay who kind of mouse show. where you staying kangaroo hello not now.

so you can't no it's not like where you. gonna be stike hallelu hello. alright just go in just go in just go he. was just like it was fantastic it was. fantastic yes and he had this look when. you got saw this I like it works every. time you just doesn't know you look. about him so we you come in and and it. seems too easy because it is because the. border control is very chilled but then. you get like to the customs which is the. most hardcore place in the world I don't.

know what the hell happened in Australia. but you guys need to chill out when it. comes to fruits people are standing. there be strip shots where did you get. the Apple I don't care if you can't. speak English you're gonna spend a week. in corner to a mic where did you get the. Apple okay oh I can't win. apples from. you see people there's like there's a. guy that was stuck for weed is that. marijuana well it doesn't do it again. but you the Apple back to where you came. from what it's fruit do to your country.

[Applause]. it's such a weird place getting us--. Australia because you finally come in. and then you can't understand anybody. you really really can't because because. that you guys say you speak English but. it's not it's like you'd like you like. you try but then I couldn't tell like. sometimes it actually sounds like it's. Chinese I just hear people making jokes. about all this all these Chinese but but. then you come you don't know if they. lost raelians are Chinese or not Chinese. like because it sounds the same to me. especially like a very deep Australian. accent very like people say then I hang. on oh hey Ozzie oh yeah oh yeah yeah I.

don't know what's going on here man this. is and then the phrases I do understand. don't make sense like like positive. phrases like apparently apparently. she'll be right I don't know who she is. and how she applies to me but this is. very important to say in Australia you. also feel it's very important to tell. everybody that you have no worries yeah. this is I didn't ask you about your. life's philosophy I just asked you how. you were on the day and you are now are.

is now really not even one not even one. re really Australia thinks that good. here no not not even one not even. prostate cancer not even one. but even North Korea because those guys. are close I'm just saying I'm even not. even one worried yeah yeah and the. strangest one and this is something I've. learned which I wish you teach people. before they come is the correct answer. to the phrase how you going is not by. aeroplane I I've been it strange to ask. people this when they're traveling I was. I was flying it was Sydney and then we. were going from to Melbourne I got to.

the counter that's it's woman hi I'm. going to Melbourne please and she said. oh yeah. hi he gan said by aeroplane that is why. I have chosen this building over here to. be travelling him and she said no no I. was greeting you and I said oh no. worries you guys have been great thanks. [Applause].