Trevor Wallace | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #447

I have some new tour dates to announce I. will be in Grantville PA. on July 19th that's Pennsylvania at Penn. Heroes stage at Hollywood Casino. pre-sale starts this Wednesday June 7th. at 10 A.M Eastern with code Rat King. General on sale begins Friday June 9th. at 10 A.M Eastern we're also announcing. a sixth Toronto show on August 19th at. the Elgin Theater tickets for that show. are on sale now.

we also have tickets remaining for. Austin Texas June 11th Edmonton Alberta. July 14th Guilford New Hampshire July. 20th Windsor Ontario August 18th and. Niagara Falls. Ontario August 20th get all your tickets. through theovan.com. t-o-u-r I'm so thankful to you guys for. coming out and spending time. check out our classic merch with the. racing hunting and fishing collections.

we also have the classic rat tea the I'm. upstairs. gear and more head over to. theovonstore.com today to take a look. today's guest is uh is one of the most. entertaining men on social media. um he's been here before. I love getting to spend time with him he. has his studio right upstairs from ours. and um and it's just great to know that. there's such good Creative Energy in the. building he has his stiff socks podcast.

uh he tours and he's one of the most. creative young men in the game uh. today's guest is Mr Trevor Wallace. [Music]. games. [Music].

[Applause]. Kelly Rowland baby Kelly Rowland we. rolling. rolling they hate Chamillionaire he's. like an investor now dude Chamillionaire. um. Chamillionaire was a. he had a studio by our first student he.

had a office in our first Studio what. was he doing in there in the same. building. he was just chamill and I got or. whatever I don't know what they do you. know what I'm saying yeah he's last I. saw he's just a big investor in a bunch. like business [ __ ] yeah he wasn't in the. trenches anymore you know he wasn't no. no no no no you know what the trenches. are I've heard of them yeah now I grew. up in a suburb we never like we we wish. we were in trenches really we always. thought we were in a gang but like. nobody like would check us like that's. how you know in your suburban like you. could just say you're in a gang and.

everybody all right like nobody was like. which one people would just be like oh. me too man by the time you guys meet we. had a meeting time for a game yeah after. math on Tuesday yeah yeah like if your. mom picks you up from the gang it's not. really exactly right right and then she. offers a ride to everybody else do you. need a ride home Riley oh your mother's. coming she's a sweetheart. mom we call him Gunner. you know she's not even using people's. code name right right yeah and then when. your mom walks away you look back.

I used to cuss my mama tell Dad did you. ever cuss at parents I used to cuss him. all the time no I think. um we would sometimes spray paint. obscenities and stuff on my mom's car I. remember. huh like big words are just like kind of. small no just things like or whatever. like things that didn't even really. relate to her it was just would people. honk be like I'm with you I mean I don't. know what people like some people I. think showed up there at night like.

thinking it was like a club or whatever. like you sometimes you go out in the. middle and I had to be a couple gay. dudes out there yeah yeah people are. knocking on the Windows be like where do. I venmo where do I vote yeah we had a. spray paint that was like meant for just. like like art but it washed off so you. could spray paint somebody's car and. then they'd lose their mind but then. they'd rub right off oh that's sick it. was fun yeah yeah they had this thing. bust people would put uh they put like a. sliced meat or something on somebody's. car at night oh a shark oh baloney yeah. pin off a car yes they have like a Honda. Civic rolling around with just smallpox.

on it it looked like somebody had done. cupping on the back yeah yeah yeah yeah. on the hood all right damn that's. something's really working on itself. it's the core you know. it was right yeah it seemed like yeah. it's like God about that oh yeah and you. somebody if you really hated somebody. you put three or four slices on them I. mean you would charcuterie up a damn uh. the front of a Ford Escort oh yeah if. you hated somebody in the area right you. know they [ __ ] you just then the. birds would pull up and be like oh [ __ ]. we got a charcuterie board right here. yeah yeah I mean there was one there was.

one that would like turn somebody's. grass a different color you throw like. Cheerios in it or do you ever do forking. where you put a plastic forks in. somebody's lawn and you snap the handle. that was most [ __ ] up because just. break a lawnmower oh really you break it. and then at the top you break the handle. so you can't really get them out we were. just bored and didn't have drugs yeah it. sounds like a very. low risk gang yeah yeah did y'all have a. name or anything for the gang or not I. don't. I just remember the initials were TFE I. don't remember what it stands for.

[ __ ] English or something I don't. really know what it was there's. definitely a [ __ ] in there you like. yeah when I found out the F4 the first. time I said it to my dad I called him a. [ __ ] head I didn't know I knew the power. of [ __ ] but I didn't know how to use it. oh yeah so my dad said something and I. was walking away from the table on my. way out I was like whatever you [ __ ]. and then I just heard the belt coming. off oh yeah you just hear the the. fondling with it yeah and I was like oh. boy then you run to your room it's like. he knows where you're at that's the. worst thing you only had one place to go.

and you're cornered yeah. papa no. but no dude yeah it sound like uh that. sounds like a fairy we got almost what. century was it uh the early 90s okay. early 90s papa no sound kind of but I. just try to make a connection so he. wouldn't hurt me oh yeah father yeah. father it's his eye yeah your loving son. if I made a connection maybe it wouldn't. hit me as hard yeah father it's not.

meant to be father it's me your. dementia's kicking in yeah it's a good. old pal Trev do you want to be in the. Gang. yeah I remember one time my mom uh broke. a paddle over my ass and I started. laughing your parents really abused yeah. they would uh spank you yeah yeah oh. yeah he was a classic white family but. like they would do that and then they. would be like I'm only doing this. because I love you yeah [ __ ] hit me. talk some [ __ ] you know don't don't. throw some soliloquies as a haiku poem. yeah it is I guess I think the thing.

about running to the room that is such. the because as a parent you have to be. like how dumb is this kid they ran to. the only place and it's the same thing. you did as a kid you're like how have we. not learned I think that that was like. our safety it's like I'm in my room you. can't you can't get in here yeah it's. like watch me. we don't have any locks on the doors you. didn't I had to jerk off just with uh. with the safety off every night just. with God was your lock yeah just hold on. and what I and the light used to crack.

through the door so I'd be oh I'm going. to bed I'm gonna touch myself so I go to. bed and then I put a towel most people. do is to hide like smoke from weed but I. wasn't cool so I put the towel under the. door crack so the light wouldn't shine. through because I was messing that. freaking rub baby smoking that [ __ ] just. in case you were freaking yeah in case. you just did it so well you just started. native and out and yeah exactly they. knew what was going on. did armor went off have you ever laid on. your back and put your legs in the air. while you jerked off that's like a. [ __ ] thing you could do I'm never I.

would never do that it sounds like you. might have done that I haven't done that. you want to no I don't want to do that. dude that's great wait so you're saying. this guy's teeth. when would you ever need to be in that. position you're laying on your back and. your feet are in the air I don't know. right there yeah I just remember seeing. this very alarming like drawing or. something on a. website uh it could have been on a. website or even like this side of like a. dumpster which was like an early website.

oh yeah like before they had websites. people would like write message for help. on a dumpster you know of course that is. true you know like my son's gay like on. a dumpster cycling or yard waste neither. it's for my son can you pick what. position you get a colonoscopy in. oh well I've wondered about I mean you. know and I've long thought that a lot of. misbehaving children or kids that are. really bad were born doggy style I've. heard that I feel like that what's the.

most like wholesome missionary. probably just jerk off into your hand. and give it to her like however you want. to insert this into you oh that's very. that's like a Valentine's Day yeah yeah. yeah that's a good old school. Valentine's where people walk thousands. of miles to get it there the seed right. yeah here you go post mates Postmates. for Cheryl. if you were to have a kid what position. would you want it to be. um what's it called when you uh. um conceived yes well that oh that was.

that was what I thought I thought years. ago and I've long thought that children. conceived in doggy style positions are. more likely for that makes sense things. like cry dog in them. um yeah they got yeah they just yeah. little Labradoodle. something about it yeah I think if you. throw it yeah I mean the kind of kid why. their parents are making love you. [ __ ]. if a frizzy goes past and the semen in. there just kind of runs to one side of. her body that's that dog baby that's a. dog right there you think what do you. think it was the the type of kid would. be if the girl's on top and then that's.

how it's conceived you think the kid it. was like tall maybe a little like. posture good posture I definitely think. good posture straight I don't like. people who get posture it feels like. they know something that we don't well. it feels like they're working for. somebody yeah it feels like somebody. who's trying really hard to blend in to. be a human yes and like if you ask what. his name was he would know it he would. say like too quick yeah Rick yeah I'm. Rick it'd have a question mark yeah I'm. Robert Robert yeah when it's just like. this.

I'm Rick. like they start like the it starts. glitch and afterwards like you didn't. get the update or whatever yeah like. he's probably trying to read Ebola. alphabet soup like he could really. quickly if he wanted to yeah yeah just. started yelling all the letters I'm Rick. I'm Rick I'm root and then he's like. starts like if you don't get the update. the guy gets gay or somebody's like I'm. Rick. like what how much does the update cost. because any update costs like 59.99. you're like well you could also like.

hack updates but then if your son like. your good postured son. is now a gay son everybody's like oh you. can't afford to make your son straight. you won't get the update I think it'd be. more expensive to make your son gay I. think it's an upgrade to be gay yeah. that's true a better style you always. have energy you ever seen the gay dude. yawn uh. just always on dude I've never seen a. gay dude yawn they're just two pumps. they just got life they all also I just. I think you need a couple Gators in your. corner because they're just opinionated. they will give it to you straight like. like bro like just this like every dude.

at Barstool like you could ask him a. question they'll be yeah I bet for sure. uh-huh but you can be oh is this good. outfit but yeah for sure but like a gay. dude will be like good outfit for what. dumpster diving and you're like right. that right there I need that in my life. right they'll put you in check right. yeah like fighting your stepdad yeah. yeah did you ever run away from your. parents when you're a kid oh dude I. remember. I ran away yeah I ran what would you. pack would you pack anything or use a. raw dog life I remember the second I was.

born I remember being across the room. like you got shot put it out I mean I. ran away they're gonna steal because the. cord is still on oh dude I think I. remember tying the cord like the nurse's. foot just to like keep people locked up. like you're surfing like no this can to. confuse them you know oh really because. that thing's a [ __ ] house arrest I. wonder how many babies think that's a. dong are they like damn I'm packing out. of the gate yeah and the doctor was like. ah now we gotta cut that one and then we. gotta cut the other one. yeah I don't know I do remember I.

remember trying to run away man I. remember going to the post office. because I thought somebody could mail me. somewhere you're a light baby in our. town no I think when I was like probably. 10 or something like 11 okay just rode. my bike over there and I remember. thinking that somebody could mail me. somewhere maybe not 10 maybe 11. with. the biker now I don't know I just. remember finally getting to the post. office it wasn't that far but it was. like maybe about five miles and I got. there and I was like. the first person that I saw that looked. nicer like concerned or whatever. somebody combed their hair I was like I. gotta get out of town where did you want.

to go anywhere yeah that's funny just go. to the Post Office send me anywhere yeah. my dad had a friend who robbed a a bank. on a bike when he was 14. oh yeah which. is hilarious that's the same mentality. of running to your room when your. parents about to hit you you're like. where are you running to on a bike your. skate park I don't like Kmart isn't. really anywhere yeah but he got caught. he did yeah they just put a stick and. spoke oh I don't know how they caught. him but yeah dude I was a 14 year old on. a bike. like you're gonna get caught oh yeah.

they had two they had two brothers in. our town they were they were Twins or if. they were uh. uh they weren't twins they were brothers. and uh uh they did a drive-by shooting. on a bike in our town. bear bear one of them named bear bear. and I don't know what the other one is. was it a tandem bicycle or they were. just riding next to each other a tandem. drive-by would be hilarious moody or. something maybe bear bear and Moody but. they were brothers and one of them was. on the handlebars yeah and he did the. shooting.

oh on the handlebars yeah that's. honestly kind of cute I think it would. be so hard because like yeah the. blowback yeah and you're kind of already. balancing yourself up really that'd be. kind of tight oh that'd be sick how we. see that in the South where dudes all. just on a dirt bike or like Atlanta type. [ __ ] let's do wheelies on just like on. dirt bike through town that makes me. feel uh you know good I like seeing that. well that's the new like the cavalry's. coming when you see a batch of like yeah. because you'll see something and that is. one of the most there must be something. about those those bike riding because.

that is the most diversifying thing. people all ethnicities come together to. do those things the wheelies yeah that. is true I was just in Indianapolis over. the weekend there's a whole bunch of. that it's just just a red light and. somebody pulls up Bryant yeah sounds. loud as hell for no reason oh it's the. worst dude yeah I was out there at uh. garyvee con have you ever met Gary you. went to vcon yeah I went there to go uh. film a video yeah it's bizarre how what. yeah I talked to you yeah yeah yeah I. talked with Gary about it online but it. started once he it was named v-con to me.

that was a it seemed a little. it made me kind of wonder what's going. on what am I getting involved it was. it's exactly picture of econ right now. that's it whatever you're thinking about. what are you thinking about. uh yeah like people bothering people. about money yeah it was a lot of like. bright colors and people who may have. not seen a tit in a while oh yeah I mean. look Gary's a very nice guy and he like. fires these people to [ __ ] up the. funniest thing he said we watched his. speech on the last night and we walked.

in at a random part and I walked in on. him going [ __ ] your grandparents yeah. and I'm like that's the energy I need in. life like they are past R.I.P I love you. both but like [ __ ] them you know like. that's just where he's at in life yeah. he and I I like uh oh I mean I totally. respect I respect his Acumen you know. yeah I think but he also like but he. tells people crazy [ __ ] he'll be like. you know oh you gotta uh. like there's videos of him like meeting. a guy in a park and the guys like I sold.

all of our silverware I sold yeah my. baby high chairs I sold everything I. made I made 720 you know it carries like. he like hugs him he's like that's great. the guy's like yeah we're not staying. we're living in this park we're cutting. down all costs and then it pans out and. him and his family are living in a. [ __ ] park right yeah yeah and then. Gary's like you're doing wonderful kicks. it over and he goes That's from me to. you you got to start from the bottom to. be at the top and you were too humble he. talks like uh just like like a crazy.

person in front of a 7-Eleven but he's. so convincing at it right like if you. walk past it got himself let me like. [ __ ] your grandparents you'd be like. sure right I get that yeah but then you. get one of those tiny headsets like the. little like Ted Talk ones and I'm like. yeah you know what [ __ ] them yeah I. agree he makes a lot of good points but. yeah it's just good stuff well I think. it's you all there's always people that. are giving like guidance and inspiring. people inspiring is nice because I think. it's hard to get inspired and so if. garyvee inspires you or whoever you find.

that inspires you you know. um that's great no and he he was very. good at it he could say anything and you. put like enough of an emphasis or like. an exclamation point every couple words. in your hand yeah the guy's like are you. are you still using silverware he'll ask. me you're still using silver like I was. a guy and he's like you can sell you. could sell those you could easily sell. those silverware and be up 25 28 dollars. exactly you know yeah you have to put. food in your mouth with your hand yeah. you ever seen the videos of him going to. garage sales they're the funniest things.

insane dude he's I mean he's almost he. has like 150 million to his name but. he'll go to a garage sale and be like. how much for this ficus tree and they're. like oh seven dollars and he goes I'll. give you four and they're like oh well I. mean. okay we really need it we just need a. liver transplant by Tuesday right it'll. do that and then he'll walk away and I'm. like [ __ ] got him those are still. it's it's hilarious that was I made a. video about this because that's why we. got connected really um yeah I made a. video kind of just talking [ __ ] how he. like literally just low balls poor. families in like Des Moines yeah.

like he like hardballs them like he'll. walk up and like 100 bucks for this and. I'm like let me play hard to get goes. his car rips some K walks back and he's. like we'll do 68. okay please our son is. our son has one tooth he's been eating. applesauce out of it too for eight years. and he's like I'll give you three it's. it's electric I love your son yeah I. love that type of energy though good but. he also he was born like with why he was. like from a wine Fortune yeah so that's. the only thing like I'm not knocking it.

but it's like. is it always has been has he always had. money like is it really I don't know uh. is it really if you don't have any money. I forget the backstory but I think there. was something where like he like started. the family business something with the. wine I don't really know what happened. but um. yeah I don't know dude he was convincing. as [ __ ] and it's like you want to laugh. but then you leave there a little fired. up you ever been to a black church oh. yeah those get you fired up they're so. much better than regular Church they got. a drum set yeah I've been I'm Jewish um.

but I want to like regular Church a few. times and I was like but I have to go. into a black church and then go and I. was like this [ __ ] is boring oh dude. black church is definitely yeah you like. feel the Lord oh you feel the Lord and. somebody will Splash [ __ ] hot grease. on your back you're in the middle of it. like you don't even know what's going on. like you don't know somebody just like. ripped open like a lunch plate real fast. ladies like whipped her hair yeah like. you'll see a black lady she'll have a. [ __ ] plant she'll be watering a plant. in her hey during the [ __ ] sermon. dude people are dressed up are you a.

grape or something oh everybody smells. good dude the Lord will pass through the. room through that one point like I. wanted to give him I already donated but. I was like send it [ __ ] back I want to. donate more oh yeah what's the bowl. whatever I don't know but this [ __ ] it. was like three hours and and I mean man. it had an arc start out slow you feel. the closing bit then there's the grand. finale and I just want to throw my wall. in the damn air and be like I'm. converted and then just throw it up. there oh I'll throw up yeah yeah I'll.

throw my [ __ ] dick in the air and. catch it in my mouth dude. you know what I'm saying if if if it. calls for it but I'm like God calls for. if God calls for that if that's what. I've been in them the first funeral I. ever went to man was a black guy. he um. died he was the biggest guy in our town. his name was Ricardo buffer just kind of. large David's buff he was like uh a. man-child it was like as if you saw like.

a nine-year-old child but he was like I. mean he's probably six four damn. and I bet he was nine he weighed two no. he looked like a nine-year-old but he. was probably I guess we were in. 11 or 12. maybe he was six two six four. and he might have been six four he was. the biggest he was the biggest kid in. our town he was. oh you've never seen nothing like it. they didn't have it. you know when you see you should have. just been the mayor oh he would I mean. he definitely he could [ __ ] keep the.

sun off of you. he was [ __ ] big I mean he [ __ ] [ __ ]. up in DodgeBall oh dude he was just he. could do whatever he want the birds knew. him the birds I mean you see a bird come. [ __ ]. big dude. he was playing basketball it was like a. little league basketball game and I. think Big Boy Little League 11 and 12. year olds and uh he had a heart attack. die really was he was he all Natty or is. he on the roids he wasn't on anything he. was just on just too much I think he had.

did his heart they said he had an. enlarged heart I don't know what that. means what does that means just the. heart of a grown man in a young boy's. body it could have been it I wish I had. a grown man's penis when I was 12. do. you kinda oh you don't want it just. because then I had that you had that or. you have it I had it as a child as a. child yeah did you know that yeah the. [ __ ] would I know that I was born with. an adult's uh adult dog genital yeah. just damn ball and penis are just ball. or just penis I think it's the whole. thing wow so when did you know that like.

when like when did you look down one day. and you're like oh I'm packing more than. the average oh I remember seeing other I. remember seeing some other kids like. wieners and not even noticing and then. my wiener I felt like looked like. Florida. and I was like oh damn dude like people. are gonna show up on my wiener like in. the summer yeah yeah you're like Alabama. in there too dog we're packing and I. just remember like just being so. uncomfortable yeah because um and I. remember sleeping at night and feeling. it under my body really and it was just.

a nightmare do you have like talking in. and [ __ ] too yeah it was embarrassing. embarrassing yeah cause you weren't the. same you were just abnormal no kid no. five-year-old's like yeah who's got a. big dick you know and if they ask that. they're definitely not five it's a 48. year old man on the internet who's big. dick also other five-year-olds enter. so did you grow into it or you just. steady packing no I just grew into it oh. wow but yeah I have some more. abnormality but let's look at that in. large heart I just want to know what. it's called in a large heart and a child. I've lost two friends actually to.

basketball playing hard with anybody's. heart and in large heart cardio megaly. what is it Zack well it says it's. usually caused by another condition like. it's a side effect but it can be caused. by damage to the heart muscle or any. condition that makes the heart pump. harder than usual and then um Hearts. just be gone that's crazy every day he. working if he's never taking Labor Day. off it may also be a sign of a prior. heart attack. hmm does that run in the family I think. so heart attacks you isn't that crazy. when something runs in the family you're.

just like you just have to like take. down the grain of salt but oh all right. breast cancer runs in the walls jeans. cool yeah oh my tits can men get breast. cancer don't clip this I don't know how. [ __ ] the human body works would it. would it what do you mean like like can. men get breast cancer you can yes okay. do they call some chest cancer. I've got something I don't know what it. is you ever felt something in there. sometimes when I drink too much I feel. like I have it I'm like I don't know. where my liver is but I feel it beating. extra today.

oh yeah if your liver is beating. then yeah you probably need to take it. in sometimes I just get pain in the. middle of my chest. and then I remember a girl's day one. time she's like oh it's heartburn I was. like is it. it's been three days I think it's just. like uh it could just be your [ __ ]. signal you know what I'm saying like you. could we could just be a little bit IBS. I'll be [ __ ] signal. right you got pain right there sometimes. dude yeah what happens when you wake up. is your body just good to go or you just. got pain no I think these days I [ __ ].

want to vape or are you off The Vape. still go down on a stranger that's a. woman in what order. either one I think just you want. something to kind of get you going one. of the first porns I ever saw was a girl. smoking a cigar out of her [ __ ] oh my. God yeah really yeah and it was like. what was it for it was like an advertise. was it a uh it might have been from. Marlboro but I remember I was just so. young I was just like I was turned on. for both reasons because I wasn't old. enough to smoke but I also wasn't old. enough to stroke come on now so I saw.

the cigar and the vagina and I was like. those are both so cool yeah yeah it was. wild oh wow yeah because I feel like. there was always some kid who like like. you knew he would show you porn but then. the like his older brother would be like. yeah but you want to see that [ __ ]. smoke a hookah like he had the next. level yeah yeah. you want to see this labia throw a. grenade like damn okay this lady is in a. hot tub making lasagna he's like oh you. want to see this uvula uh eat a half a. bag of Skittles you're like damn yeah I.

don't but like I feel like one dude. always had the porn but like somebody. close to him had Next Level porn yeah. you want to see this urethra do a Zen. oh [ __ ]. you know I was in a car accident. um four years ago. some lady did a u-turn and she didn't. know how to do it and she just. she you turned right into me it was more. of a j and I was at the end of the J.

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use our promo code Theo at checkout just. pay five dollars shipping that's blue. chew b-l-u-e-c-h-e-w.com. promo code Theo to receive your first. month free. yeah I feel like. um. for whatever re like that was like drug. dealing back then was like it is like. yeah somebody somebody always had like. oh you know whenever you buy weed. they're like oh this is the best in town. some would always be like yo it's the. best porn you can find you know some.

random website really you used to go you. could go to whitehouse.com and it was. porn because the White House was like. dot gov is like the official one but. like I'm you oh we got a head knot see. yeah. producers always know that poor in life. yeah that was like the oldest trick in. the book in like 2001. but that was so. cool because my parents just thought I. was doing homework every night exactly. they're like oh this [ __ ] just. loves George Bush no I love being off to. Bush what are you talking about because. you could just go to whitehouse.com and. your parents wouldn't associate it too. wow see when I was a child they didn't.

have uh. internet. so we had to you had to [ __ ] get. somebody who knew something about some. cooter you had to [ __ ] have somebody. tell you or somebody describe it yeah or. like you'd lay in the dark at night and. one guy his job was to kind of try and. make the sounds of like a vagina. so that other people could enjoy it you. know yeah yeah or like your boys were. doing a sleepover you know yeah of. course or like one of your boys buries. you at the beach and then you put sand. tits on you oh yeah you ever do that and. you put the two seashells over it so.

it's like scandily clad yeah and then. you have a little sand like someone's. saying just starts to like Elevate above. your wiener. like damn brother but if you can move. Earth with your wiener like that's boy. that's positive my God I bet some dad. would look at him like that's my boy. that's the tectonic plates though like. is that the Earth just doing there it's. getting bricked up like when there's. earthquakes that the Lord's [ __ ]. bricked yeah or just creating a vagina. or something bumping and grinding It's. gotta be huh so you didn't have internet. I feel like my early on porn days was.

like girls gone wild like like do you. remember those commercials where the. girls would have the Stars over their. nipples I don't know what it was like we. had all seen yes it was like what would. be like we just needed to know what was. behind that star like we knew what a tit. looked like but I'm like I didn't know. what those look like and whatever. happened to that guy who created that. site Joe what's his name I think he's in. jail. yeah I heard that I think he actually. that are like probably Tucson or. something yeah Tucson which is basically. this outdoor jail. it's free play jail yeah it's like no.

bars jail yeah it's like you you can. roam but do you want to you just stay at. this Chili's all day yeah dude I used to. go to I used to go to uh School in. Tucson man did you you went to dirty tea. I went to Santa Rita high school man for. one semester and people are always fist. fighting the car wash dog after school. you box dog you box that isn't we we did. bodybuilders at our school bodybuilders. no face shots oh really yeah so you. could just punch each other in the Torso. a bunch but no face oh it sounds like a. really tough game yeah dude that's what. we found the leader of our game but one.

time our dark down a body was got hit in. the face and that was on me you took a. body blow in the face yeah yeah that was. on me though because I ducks that was a. [ __ ] oh yeah dude I'm not tough at all. like I'm [ __ ] and I'm really [ __ ] if. you're a [ __ ] dude it'll ruin it can. really it won't it can make things it'll. be interesting oh dude people knew I was. a [ __ ] I was wearing really yeah. because I'd wear like Heelys with no. heels you know they'd be like what are. you wearing those dumbass shoes for you. can't even heal so the wheel on the back. but no wheel in it yeah no wheels just. an empty area like I was just like like. any time somebody's like you want to go.

body blows I'll be like no please no I. don't want to do this we do Tech Deck. together yeah if you say please no. that's bad dude. dude I remember one time I uh. accidentally said I went to hit a guy on. the shoulder and he duck and I hit his. nose and he had any bloody nose and then. uh he kept [ __ ] me all day in uh. science and then he's like this Saturday. we're gonna fight I'm bringing my. brother meet me there and I didn't show. up because obviously I didn't have an. older brother I had an older sister who. had a fat rack so I'm like what the [ __ ]. am I supposed to do and then on Monday.

he's like yo you didn't show up I'm like. yeah just let me just pencil in this ass. beating real quick. did you fight a lot growing up or well. one thing at a time one thing at a time. oh sorry what are we talking about um. Trevor Wallace is here oh yeah thank you. man yes yeah it's so it's fun it's fun. to see you bro. um he's still crushing it on socials I. don't see how you keep doing it I don't. know man but you keep doing it I'm. trying to it's amazing. um I want to get I want to find out.

about this Joe guy and then we can oh. the guy from uh yeah yeah Girl's Gone. Wild yeah red checks out long story. short he filed for bankruptcy moved to. Mexico and their allegations that some. of those girls were underage so he's. kind of just floating it seems like wow. he looks like that and he's married to a. woman Abby Wilson I think they're. estranged according to this article. because there was a there was a big. expose on Girls Gone Wild last year I. believe so since then there's something. extra heat on what uh what does a. strange mean.

um they don't like each other anymore oh. yeah separated from each other. so because yeah remember that was the CR. and that was like where kind of they had. like the girl it was almost like where. kind of bang bust started a little bit. wouldn't they have girls in the van or. something sometimes and like show your. tits and be like I don't want to but I. will in a minute right right and then. they show me they put the Stars over the. Stars I was like well sensor well yeah. that was like because now Tick Tock is. it's kind of that but without the tits. they just brought up to a hot girl and. be like what's your body count it's like. [ __ ] all that put the stars on the tits.

how do you pitch that idea you got to be. coked out as hell to go to your boy and. be like you still got that you still got. that camcorder I know. partying dude I've ran into girls who. who got on this who are on Girls Gone. Wild over the years like yeah I was on. girls going wild a while back you know. smoking out of their neck holes oh yeah. they're like yeah somebody [ __ ] this. hole into my neck I would give a lung. problem like nah somebody just did sex. right into my neck like I just needed. more holes more ventilation put the drop.

top in the throw yeah yeah for a. convertible right here would you put. that in there if you could just close it. without anybody noticing. yeah I think so yeah might as well I. think the human body should be upgraded. I'm like I gotta pee so much I'm like. how can I get more storage on my phone. but not a bigger bladder oh definitely I. need at least half a terabyte in one of. my legs for this piss. I also think my brain is at capacity oh. God because you got to kick out memories. from like fourth grade just to learn how.

to parallel park at some point but. that's vital memories in fourth grade. you found out like National Geographic. had tits in it oh dude when we saw them. long they had a set of long darks in one. of those Geographic episode because it. was the first time you saw a black tit. in the area just a tit in general well. yeah there wasn't a lot of like first of. all the porn when I first saw it it was. very uh. it was like people like it was people.

that had the same kind of haircut. kind of having sex from far away and. there was a lot of music in the. background you couldn't even really hear. the people yeah yeah so there was a lot. of like. they're so horned up you don't even know. if that music was from you or the TV. about it it was just but it wasn't. coming from there was a lot they did. more with the soundtrack back then like. they cared more about the music and the. Ambiance and went with it they set the. tone then like hearing what the people. were saying yeah and and then it evolved.

um. so you get some of that but you had you. didn't have your phones you couldn't. just play porn wherever so if you went. outside or left the television or. whatever you were there was no porn yeah. at that point you had to see somebody. that could do some art or you'd have to. um you know we've talked about it before. but somebody had chiseled a set of uh. tits into a like a birch that have been. hit by light and just like half of a. tree by us oh that's correct and so. people would go out there and just cream. out to that and would you like try to.

like hide the tree like you were to. clear your browser history like would. you try to like like undiscover it like. that way nobody else could see it maybe. somebody had like leaned a branch or. something just hide it from you know. because you don't want to like you want. to gate keep a little bit yeah that's my. porn yeah this is mine but you get back. there and you'd uh you could tell other. people had been back there there'd be a. cigarette or a half a can of uh beanie. Wayne or something oh yeah something. chiseled I came here 1993. somebody just it was like a heart it was.

just like Rick but it'd be like Rick. plus but also just Rick Rick plus Rick. Rick plus Rick dick. I feel like when we were younger you. didn't look for porn porn just found you. like you wouldn't be looking for like. you just open up a book and you're like. oh damn I got tits on page 48. what it. blew your I mean you would get porn. wherever you could like it in science is. sex ed was such a like people would. dress up I mean I were you know people. would wear their Sunday Best people wear. cologne to sexy you know be like yeah.

you guys knew when it was well yeah you. knew the year that it was and you were. like God are we getting ready and I. remember people outside of the [ __ ]. classroom like slapping each other in. the cheeks you notice one guy putting. ice on another guy's like neck and back. yeah you know it was crazy it wasn't. that guy when he learned tomorrow oh. [ __ ] yeah like Mike Brown was his coach. it was like it was his like you had a. corner man really you know we get in. there we didn't get no like like lead up. to it it was just like all right class. get your dicks out it's sex that day.

like there was no build up like we just. learned like we had no idea wow so they. just sprung it on us and then we'd have. to play it cool you know do you remember. the first time that you were attractive. to a woman. I do were you always the kid that was. like kind of got the girls some no I. never I never really got a lot of women. um I do remember the first time this. like the first girl that came back with. a rack after summer that was like God. that was big that was like when they. build a new like Tesla Charger station.

in town you're like everybody knew about. it oh this girl Jamie she showed up in. sixth grade and she was rocked out and. like it was a talk the teacher was just. like trying to talk about like long. division we're like [ __ ] all this have. you seen the C Cups yeah [ __ ] all this. even the teacher was like God damn yeah. have you seen a square root of them. [ __ ] those [ __ ] long nuggets D. Squared yeah how much can how big can. tits be on a and I don't want to say on. a child because we've said this kind of. stuff before and but this is what we're. looking up do you understand what I'm.

saying. all right. see this is the problem go Incognito. yeah see that's what you have to do is. is before you type you say for a podcast. and then colon and then do it. yeah or just because I'm not I'm not. curious and I'll never look anywhere. you're gonna open the browser just Chris. Hanson with two Glocks. you interviewed him yeah yeah okay the. guy say yeah the guy stopped hundreds of. pedophiles man yeah there was an episode. where his friend walked in uh-uh yeah.

he's like oh [ __ ] is that so-and-so. that's got to be tough. yeah. what happened Zach. yeah I I'm I don't have details on this. question yet. what do you get if you put that in uh. Texas Children's Hospital breast. development questions okay. well this is kind of like what you said. if you go back on one page oh here's a. good question why are my breasts big.

first of all it should be plural at a. young age but that's kind of what you. had but with a with a wiener that's true. so that's a good point actually so. imagine going to bed one night and you. can't lay all the way down because you. suddenly have tits that's gotta be yeah. yeah crazy for a girl you can't get. massage you can't do anything up. he's always planking oh yeah that's. crazy dude well life is a plank yeah I. don't know dude I was a late bloomer I. wanted uh were you really yeah I.

remember in PE everybody had like. deodorant and like armpit hair dude so I. had this like giant stuffed animal in my. room probably made love to it definitely. made love to it and I used to cut the. hair off it and put it in my armpit. because I wanted armpit hair that bad. just see what it looked like oh yeah. yeah and the color was it it was black. so it didn't match any of my Ginger. tones at all but I'd put water on my. armpit then I put it in there and I'd. look in the mirror and be like dude this. is this could be me one day yeah and I. still do that to this day I love that. it's amazing yeah I don't you weren't a. late bloomer if you had implants arm.

hair uh armpit if you had armpit hair. implants oh dude I was just putting. Rogaine on every morning is that Old. Spice Knoxville game dude I distinctly. remember like you said when you went to. PE and somebody had deodorant for the. first time that was a kid it blew your. mind you're like oh now we have to get. deodorant yeah this is where I learn. like okay yeah I use deodorant like what. do you use you know when you start you. would name like uh. um like duh like uh yeah exactly dish. soap recipe. exactly yeah yeah I remember just I.

wanted to yeah like Reebok what do you. guys use Reebok yeah yeah what do you. roll on is that Alex yeah no he's a. machete I every day I saw somebody doing. that like I remember the first day I had. armpit sweat I was excited I was like. this is puberty yeah it's knocking you. know I remember when I had like a little. like blonde mustache yeah. how's I'm not shaving this [ __ ] I'd. rather look like I sell used taquitos. yeah dude oh especially on a guy like I. think red-headed guys or guys that that. lean Auburn or gin yeah or gangers they.

call them. um they uh or you guys are almost. adopted into the black community I feel. like you guys are we do get [ __ ] on a. lot no no a lot of like wiggas as they. say which is a popular term from the. past 100 or 150 years it it you guys are. often they're often gingers or gangers. yeah I I do feel that I do yeah my first. job I was the only white guy there when.

I first moved to LA it was like 80 black. dudes and me and it was one of the best. jobs in my life they respect you guys a. lot more I think let's pull up wiggas. and see what they've been doing if you. don't mind let's see uh like where they. uh follow their S Corp what have they. been doing when selling whippets and. just put click on images and let's see. who we get yeah that's what is. is that Hollywood wiggers what is that. wait a sec. yeah that sounds like that's Adam DeVine.

isn't it that does look like him. San Diego does have a high breed of this. now there you go. where do you think spawns this person. what city comes to mind when you think. of this I think of Little Rock oh yes. Little Rock something about that. yeah my friend Justin is from Arkansas. and uh he likes to gun down them. gobblers over there but he said that. there is a lot of. um wig-esque so what are these behaviors. that are also on here this has nothing.

to do with the white guy with the orange. Camaro let's go to this guy a popular. diagram called the wiggers diagram what. is that it's a standard diagram used in. cardiac physiologically named after Dr. Carl J wiggers dude. Carl Carl J Dude you got to go by just. Carl J at that point so people are going. to learn about this in school. I mean dude our chart looked way. different it was a ginger dude and it. cross sectioned with a UNC uh basketball.

tournament and he had a yo-yo and a vape. for some reason that'd be so funny if. you open up that page and he drove a. Honda Civic which was the number one car. but he like chipped off the word civic. and put like BMW logos on there there's. nothing better than that when somebody. takes like the Chrysler 300 puts like a. Bentley logo on it yeah those are people. who come off insane but I respect it oh. I respect that too it's just like you're. because that's all the car is sometimes. it's just an extra emblem you know yeah. 100 what was your first car. my first car was a 1984 Ford Escort and. I paid cash for it somebody stole the.

passenger seat. didn't want you in that carpool lane or. what I don't know what the issue was I. just remember picking people up and they. had to get in and. there was like a bus you were in the bus. you were the bus driver up front and the. people had to walk past you they pay you. a fare like oh aboard just one seat in. the back. just one lady yo let's get back there. um but so I want to talk more about that. uh yeah whenever you hit puberty man. that [ __ ] was wild I remember.

it feels like you ever put a a a Mentos. and a Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke. yeah and it starts to Bubble Up at first. that's what it feels like your body's. doing it's starting to Bubble Up at. first. I think I remembered I'm trying to think. everyone remember getting body hair. maybe a little on my chest like in the. crack of my chest yeah yeah I got a few. of those um oh right here you get that. happy trail and that's CR you want to. keep it you wanna you can't wait to go. to the pool and take your shirt off yeah.

dude some people even put a little. Barrett a lot of the brothers will put a. little Barrette on it. little bow tie down there yeah small. nothing crazy yeah exactly you know just. something chill something to flex a. little I grew up in kind of like a white. and urban area so you'd have dude I. remember they had a handicap dude a. black dude and he was uh. he was uh his legs weren't getting work. and they had braided his [ __ ] legs. around each other yeah you should yeah. yeah you know that's what I would do or.

I put underglow on him. like on the bottom so they shine a. little personally yeah because then it. looks like the Lord's carrying me you. know you're right I've never seen a. wheelchair with underglow but if your. legs had it wouldn't you be like oh he's. not walking because he can float I don't. know man I just I saw a car with. underglow recently driving uh from the. IE the Inland Empire and it brought me. back like this Spinners era. I think they should have pent my. wheelchair and um that's just me trying. to help out them spree whales yeah well.

you'll see sometimes there's uh a lot of. dudes are in wheelchairs they'll do that. dolphin where they kind of pull up in. this let the wheels yeah yeah you know. those know what they're doing but again. yeah but if I spent my life in a. wheelchair I'd get bored after a while I. definitely want to you think I think so. I definitely want to learn the tricks. sometimes I'll pretend like this like. I'll like even if I'm like at a uh. dinner or something or like I'm building. at a table for a while and people don't. you know I'll kind of do this you know. but looks like you're about to start a. bobsled yeah just for fun yeah just to. let people know that you still you could.

be if you needed to but yeah I think I'm. trying to remember to what that was like. it's crazy that like everybody happens. to your body and you don't even you're. not like documenting every day it's like. it's because it's unreal yeah it feels. like you're just waiting in line and. eventually it's like the Lord being like. you better get some pubes and but it's a. slow process it's not like you walk up. to the front door and they stamp your. puberty card it's like a slow a little. bit of this a little bit of that the. voice cracks if when your voice cracked. in class I mean that was one of the.

worst days of my life especially late oh. yeah when I was at 17 you get her ass. beat at noon for sure. yeah it's crazy yeah that man would. start to [ __ ] break out of you it's. almost like the Incredible Hulk when he. breaks through his own clothing it's. like when snakes uh shed a little bit. but it's just the manliness is coming. out yeah you'd be like can we go get. some I'm trying to [ __ ] you know just. like like whoa whoa what happened and. then you try to do that voice again but. you can't do it you're trying to get. back to here yeah you couldn't do it.

you're trying to get back you could. never do it you remember coming to. school and one kid had like just gone. way past puberty like he was like seven. dude he had like arthritis I'm like you. missed like 19 stages. he had a beard yeah he had a beard and. that kid always had to buy beer then. dude there's a guy his name was Chuck. and he had a full facial hair in ninth. grade and he was dating an eighth grader. and he this is a hilarious story and if. you're from my hometown you know the. story. he was dating this chick and they did. anal and she had to miss school the next.

day no way yeah this is ninth grade bro. I barely even seen one of my [ __ ] like. I I was so nerd like so you almost been. freaking out right this guy was like Dan. Bilzerian of ninth grade I was looking. at him like tell me your secrets oh and. he used to not wear uh boxers he'd wear. just denim just denim on dick no boxers. raw dog in it raw dog in that denim dude. it was crazy but the girl literally had. to miss school the next day because she. couldn't walk no and he and he works at. a restaurant now but yeah he does yeah. he's serving it up but wow that like.

that guy was so many levels ahead of. puberty than I was it was crazy oh when. you heard about the first guy that had. sex kind of like like I remember we came. back from seventh grade and some kid had. had sex apparently like on a pool chair. or something yeah it was always outside. and people were losing their mind people. didn't know what to do people were like. trying to like install a pool at the. school like people had never seen my. beach ball like everything just banana.

because they just. it's like you want to get as close to. you can as you can to say yes you know. it was like the first person that went. to the moon everybody was just like tell. me how you did it what was it like in. there like could you really like Bounce. Around did you feel like yourself well I. met the guy that did it man the the. green screen Buzz Aldrin yo yeah yeah. you met him yeah wow what did he say it. was like. um. do you think it was real oh well I'll. tell you this man if I went out I. remember this when I looked at him. it didn't seem like he'd been to the.

Moon. we'll give it away. just something just she was describing. it like a like a 12 year old talking. about tits yeah it was a pretty cool. it's bouncy yeah you know there was they. were bigger than I thought yeah but I. could handle it. you didn't see it in his eyes. yeah they're just something he just uh I. don't know you know what I'm saying you. if I met if I met somebody who'd been to. the who've been to to go uh the Galaxy. or whatever I would know right well it's.

like somebody like if I told you I've. been in jail you would look at my body. and be like you have not right you have. picked up a friend from juvie but that. is the most but there's something about. like an energy so I see what you're. saying yeah maybe you zoomed with like a. um. like a PO or something yeah exactly. sugar man's hand who's the data guy so. that was a thing for me and I'm not. discrediting the space program or NASA. but that's just what I thought my. grandpa used to work for NASA yeah he. was a veteran and work for NASA really. he was like the mainland guy like he he. always wore the same outfit every day he.

was jacked like 65 worked for NASA and a. fought in war. oh that's crazy I'm a [ __ ] tick. tocker like what like this guy has lived. a legacy yeah he's one time I saw him. eat an orange with the peel on whole. thing like an apple and the thing he. said after was like the most badass. thing he was like when you're in the the. war you have an option you can either. like peel your orange and you know Take. Your Eye Off what's going on or you can. risk in your face peeled by a caliber. I'd never heard something so cool in my. life wow yeah it was really cool he's a. great man was he yeah and like if I like.

ever disrespected my mom he like my mom. had like a bodyguard if I ever. disrespected my mom or said something. like I don't want to eat the [ __ ]. frozen peas he tastes like [ __ ] he'd be. like he'd always put something down. right and then be like don't you treat. my daughter that way and I could just he. wouldn't hit me but mentally he did yeah. he's a manless man I knew [ __ ] that's. amazing man what was his name burnt Bert. that's a good name yeah no he was he was. awesome wow man that's really neat dude. and uh how did he pass away Sage oh Bert.

yeah yeah yeah super cool man and he. fought in the War so he would uh he. would always say crazy [ __ ] in the car. and I was too young and noticed at the. time but my mom would always be like you. can't you can't say that anymore you. could that's you shouldn't be saying. that anymore I should be sitting in the. back it was like a live Jerry Springer. was awesome yeah well yeah like I. remember watching football yeah with my. grandfather and he'd been in one of the. wars and the guy would like they'd be. like the guy ran a slant or whatever and. he'd be like if a slant runs by here.

they'll [ __ ] know what's going on. like he would say crazy [ __ ] I'm like. whoa dude that's not you know you just. anybody that kind of fought in the War. I try to make a joke about that on stage. sometimes like anybody that fought the. War like you're just like kind of okay. with them being like slightly. a little uh Prejudice or something you. might be like you're just like ah. they're in the war they fought for the. country you know but if they didn't like. if they didn't fought a war and they. said the same [ __ ] you'd be like yo. [ __ ] pull that man's Life Alert. that's [ __ ] up but if you notice how. to use a bayonet yeah.

you're right literally you know this is. between him and the Lord right now. don't intercept what he's trying to. think I don't know you know if you're. selling things you have to get them to. the customer. that's right if you sell something. you sell a shift a robe you sell a a. little omelette maker a cute one that. makes the omelets and the shapes. Christmas ornament shapes or whatever. little pumpkins whatever. you got to ship your product. ship station can help that's right.

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k-e-e-p-s.com slash t-h-e-o to get your. first month free keeps.com slash Theo. dude it is kind of crazy how like. like people that like serve the country. and help protect the country and like. establish the borders and like. um they kind of. throw them by the wayside as they get. older because like they're. like or here's what I'm saying is it's. interesting how like like our parents.

might have like different views than. like probably a lot of younger. generation has right. um probably a lot of more old-fashioned. views but their parents like went off to. war to like protect like the the free. the safety of the nation and stuff like. that yeah so when they're like pissed. off about the Border it's like you kind. of have to respect where they're coming. from if they had a parent that died. somewhere defending the board you know. what I'm saying are like establishing. the land of America it's like that a lot.

of times that stuff gets so like not. even factored into the way that people. behave like yeah I could understand if. one like my mom. feel certain ways about like um. protecting like the freedoms of America. and like defending our border and like. looking out for America first if she had. a grandfather or a father that was gone. for a [ __ ] right eight months or a. year out of her life because he was out. defending it or whatever the problem is. when there's the disconnect when uh.

after Generations it fades away you know. if your dad was that guy then it's very. strong to you and now when you have the. child it's like it gets less and less. and now it's like I hear about the war. and I'm like yeah but like what about. the tick tock algorithm like that's the. war I'm fighting yeah what about war. yeah Minecraft yeah exactly yeah. somebody who's like a better gamer now. is like better than like. um who was that General during like Iraq. or something that was uh Colin Powell or. Petraeus yeah.

Petraeus now is it like is like the same. as like some who's like one of the best. Gamers right now. uh I know ninja was big or like all the. FaZe Clan dudes like Shinobi or somebody. you know or whoever. you know yeah it's that disconnect where. it's like it's well I mean it's like now. it's like I I've done a lot of like. college shows and. 80 of the audience wasn't alive for 9. 11. and it's like you say 9 11 to them. and it's just like a date to them and it. like blows my mind but it's like yeah.

that was me learning about World War II. I don't I don't know I was in a nut sack. somewhere balled up yeah waiting for my. draft yeah. yeah so it's just a time thing I think. but it is bizarre. what's crazy too how we just don't even. like refle yeah it is wild how much. things change and then how like we kind. of don't take into account what other. people like what their generation was. like you know correct it's almost like. you're they're suddenly like wrong just. because they're getting older because.

um like times have kind of changed you. know. yeah. um but anyway what else can we talk. about that's a little more [ __ ]. normal dude what else is going on in the. news Zach a lot of stuff huh. yeah we got a couple stories here I. guess a former bodyguard's launching a. ride sharing app where the drivers will. be armed with guns oh I heard about this. in Atlanta right. yeah yeah. I would use that but I would go to. places where you wouldn't need bodyguard. just to just feel cool it's called black. wolf black wolf wow an app designed a.

riable uber and Lyft recently launched. in Atlanta and is about to drop in New. York. uh Carrie King Brown revealed he created. the app as a necessary evil who are. mostly on the news getting robbed. getting raped the average person. well yeah who else is it going to be. Senators yeah you could take down a. senator pretty easy though but who else. is going to be animals or something like. who is it like yeah that's that is. interesting like where would you take. this like what's something you'd be. going to like if I was doing like a kid. rock yep.

I mean easily Memphis dude uh shout out. Memphis a Raiders game Raiders game yeah. yeah I think that. um. I think maybe like a kid rock cover band. concert oh yeah you know yeah I could. possibly see it needed for that too so. what happens they just send you with the. driver with a gun because I think most. Uber drivers if you go to like. Sacramento probably just have a gun on. them yeah it seems like the drivers are. specially trained like they mentioned.

one of the drivers a private. investigator and previously worked as a. bodyguard so it's not that just they. have the gun it's like they're. professionally trained protectors okay. got it so what I'm creating is a. necessary evil it's a necessity it says. um Brown is no ordinary driver and he's. no regular man with a plan he is a. private investigator and has worked as a. bodyguard for celebrities and. politicians he wants to share his own. brand of executive protection with the. world so this is one of those things I. think you're starting to see like you. know like this there's too many. insanely rich people out there I think.

yeah you know walking around right I. think there should be a cap on how much. money that you can make. then what. you lose it and get back up like if you. overshoot in 21 oh yeah. no but here's what happens I think they. then like says like the town or wherever. you're from let's you get something like. named after you like there's some like. there's some value that's given to you. because of the way you're creating stuff. or you have to give more to your. employee like I don't know something. like but I think part of it is like.

you're just starting to see like a lot. of rich people are probably getting. scared of people that are like shooting. at him what do you think. I mean yeah that's a huge problem here. in La like rich people getting robbed. all the time oh yeah like a Rolex on. Rodeo so it runs up and grabs it yeah. that's the people gonna get this it's. not gonna be he says it's for regular. people but what regular person's gonna. get that yeah unless they're going to. prom or something they don't want. somebody else that's funny hitting on. their chick or something yeah I don't I. don't know when. I don't even know when I would like use.

that. or like when I would feel like oh [ __ ]. you know maybe Black Friday show up to. Walmart people be shooting over flat. screens oh shooting over an air fryer. yeah so maybe I'll pull up with that. there. yeah I think it's well it's going to. become first of all it's going to become. a niche thing that rich people are gonna. do yeah so rich people who have a ton of. extra Expendable income they just want. to spend it any way they can to look. even richer if you could hire somebody. to be with you at all times who would it. be would it be like a bodyguard an. escort uh maybe like uh someone who.

knows a lot about like zoo animals what. do you think it would be. oh that's a good question I think I. would think like a middle like somebody. like a really buff mom I think. oh I'd hire like a total wigger to hang. out with me all day. like my boy Brian Purvis that I grew up. with dog who's Brian Purvis R.I.P man oh. what happened no he's not dead but he is. in uh he's in jail for so long that it's. like he might as well be no but he's. interesting nobody in the outside is.

going to get to know him you know and. he's wild if you're in jail for life. right there maybe that's him yeah oh wow. he got the see if that guy told me he's. been to the Moon yeah I wouldn't believe. him but I would buy Molly off him yeah. he's got the I got that good Molly on. him he got those moon rocks yeah oh so. what happened. um attempted murder I could just I would. like to hang out with him bro or just. like some real like just some dude. that's real like as real as it can get. like he's always rubbing his hands yeah. somebody that's a real as he can get bro.

some dude that uh he can just he has to. move his head side to side like this to. even move forward or to come up with a. good idea yeah you ask him what smoothie. he wants and he's like yeah he's. thinking about catalytic converters and. [ __ ] yeah he doesn't blink unless he's. you know he sees you blink he's [ __ ]. right you know remind himself to Blink. on his hand it says blank and he goes. yeah his whoop bracelet yeah yeah he. always knows a good like ICP playlist oh. dude his uh his aunt his um house arrest. bracelet oh yeah it's got the Wu-Tang.

logo on it it makes a special beep when. he walks to a grocery store entrance. yeah that's how he does Apple pay with. an ankle monitor yeah that's crazy dude. he just puts his [ __ ] uh his British. night up on the uh you ever been. arrested. we was at a house somewhere and the cops. came in. and they went upstairs right this is the. crazy thing and they bring a kid down. from upstairs everybody's High. downstairs if you had no idea who the. kid was no and everybody's like who the.

[ __ ] here as a kid nobody had a kid. right. it was we were kids right they bring. like a sleeping kid with like a um I. think they tried to plan it on you you. know how it totally seem like like when. somebody gets like shot and they. sprinkled Coke on them oh it's a. cokehead yeah these kids were funneling. kids but like yeah with the kid it was. like he was like rubbing his eye and he. had on like a little night guy I mean. yeah it seemed like something like a. Charles Dickens novel yeah I was gonna. say kids are always rubbing their eyes. in movies yeah so it seemed really like.

a setup in Mississippi and so we had to. go stay in for the night I'm trying to. think if there was another time. I feel like I did another time. I got put in the back of a cop car for. keeping a house in eighth grade. suburb [ __ ] wow yeah what a gang was. that ah dude [ __ ] Charmin Ultra. [ __ ] hard Charmin yeah single ply. [ __ ]. you went through some [ __ ] yeah a little. nah [ __ ] went through you yeah oh yeah. fingers went through some [ __ ] yeah but. I was remember me and my friend Matt had.

a backpack on and if you see any kid. with a backpack four in the morning yeah. he ain't going to school. so the cops just pulled over and I had. like four rolls on me just Charming yeah. my parents are probably more so pissed. that I was throwing the nice toilet. paper yeah but yeah the cops were like. what are you doing then I had to go wake. my parents up and then my parents had to. go talk to the cop and my neighbor at. the time was the sheriff that's the only. reason we like got anything they're like. oh [ __ ] I know your neighbor that's. that's the [ __ ] you know yeah and so.

they just I don't know how that helped. but uh yeah it was it that's all I did. was wicking my parents like it was a cop. downstairs like the [ __ ] that was it. damn that was such a weird time as a kid. when you had to go get your parents up. at night remember that oh because like. can we go you'd have to open their door. going by there and you knew they were. asleep right and it was that moment. where you're like how do I time where I. knock maybe they're like not like maybe. I'll give them an extra five seconds to. sleep or something yeah how do you like. and then you're like Mom yeah yeah you. having another nightmare uh no.

um there's a squad car out front cops. are here yeah and your dad was in some. weird PJs and yeah dick was probably. flopping out man [ __ ] are you talking. about yeah it was weird I don't think I. got in trouble for that I think it was. just I don't even I don't even remember. what happened. yeah that that all that time was just. interesting man what were we talking. about on the news that happened today. Atlanta. oh yeah Atlanta so yeah I'm just. wondering yeah I think you're just gonna. start seeing more rich people get. um like special services yeah just to.

spend their money because they have to I. wonder if it's just going to get so. mainstream like imagine where like these. dudes aren't doing it in combat like. these dudes are trained tactically to. like [ __ ] somebody up but now you're. just dropping somebody off at LAX like I. get bored I'm like I know how to shoot a. gun why are you making me drive to you. know American Airlines well then at a. certain point those guys are going to. want to shoot guns yeah I think they. should they're going to want to pop off. on somebody they're gonna want to um. yeah can you get the trunk for me. They're Gonna Wanna put a piece into. somebody they're going to want to put a. free filling in somebody's [ __ ] rib. cage yeah because I think they're just.

gonna be like loading in that car like I. wanna [ __ ] hit someone yeah or they. might start some beef well shit's. getting weird now I notice when I uh. walk up to a car now it used to be you. could walk up to happen tap on the. window or ask somebody a question seems. crazy to do now doesn't it yeah bro the. other day I'm walking up to a car and I. was like. oh my God. well you also look like somebody who's. gonna sell you some like fake fish. tickets oh yeah. you know what I'm saying bro alpha or.

some fake Matt or some fake fish. that's like. y'all [ __ ] with these it's just a. hamster with a fin on the back so wait. what are we saying I cut you off it's. either modest Yahoo or mahi mahi dude. yeah yeah yeah you're buying something. yeah so you walked into a car and what. happened I don't mean but it spooked me. out I was like oh my God if this person. would have just drawn on me yeah and. shot me there would have been a case for. them that this guy came up on my car. whether or not I had a weapon or not.

yeah there would it wouldn't have been. just like an open shut thing of like you. shooting a stranger right you approach. my bubble remember that and people say. get out of my bubble that was some mom. [ __ ] but so what do you do if you're. like out of red light and somebody like. walks up to your car you you break you. keep your eyes on the road or you talk. with them or you just look forward or. like it is weird like you you just stand. there and you're like pretend you're at. the wheel and you're just like. pretending that they're not there or do. you interact I mean if they come up to. the window of your car like who are they. why would someone do that there's. somebody looking for money okay well.

that's almost different because you. almost are kind of expecting and in that. moment I feel like at a stoplight you're. kind of looking around I think for me. like there were cars in a parking lot. they were parked and what happened was I. thought I walked up to we had a rental. car I thought I would walk up to the. rental car I walked up to the wrong car. but I walked up and kind of like. was by I mean I'm like right by the. glass there's somebody sitting in that. car and I'm like if that person years. ago would have been like oh I'm so sorry. it's an accident but now it's like their. windows are all tinted everything so. it's like I don't know it just felt like.

if they shot me it wouldn't be it. wouldn't be crazy yeah you like last. words would be I get it I it does feel. like the brain just trains you to. anytime like somebody comes up to your. car you should be oh like like fight or. flight immediately but everybody's. scared now I feel like and we're. building up this um. but sometimes you go like a real small. town and they're like the opposite like. you walk up they're like you need some. honey I remember I was doing a show. that's a good point I was in Butte. Montana and there's a population of like. 456 maybe 450.

for today but that I was walking from. the Walmart to my hotel yeah and this. lady Drives By and she goes do you need. help and I was like and like this is. like very early in my career so I. thought I was like hot [ __ ] and I was. like oh maybe she recognized me I was. like no what's up she's like oh anytime. you see somebody walking in this town. that means something you know something. bad happened I was just helping you out. and that was that yeah no offers of sex. or nothing yeah. yeah I think that that's a good point so. I'm thinking for more like a city. perspective where was this at this was.

in uh Phoenix okay yeah there's a lot of. walking up to cars out there but I just. had never thought that before I never. thought that before like if somebody if. I walk up somebody's car that they would. if they did shoot me or the I just had. never thought that there was that much. fear in the air or like uh yeah weird. energy and like uncertainty I think. people are just very nervous about what. other people are capable of yeah that is. true I think everyone's just like on the. heightened senses yeah I think some of. it's because you see a lot of clips of.

people like beating people up on like. Twitter and stuff do you ever see any of. that stuff no of course Twitter's just. tits and people getting knocked out yeah. which is pretty good combo yeah it's. like the new Spike TV where the [ __ ] is. Spike TV I miss that [ __ ] mancers every. time it would be like my girlfriend is. talking too much a big [ __ ] divorced. that [ __ ] and the Spike TV we'll be. back to you after this Jack Links Beef. Jerky commercial yeah I miss Spike TV. that was just like creatine for the soul. dude Spike TV was so [ __ ] good it was.

like um they had like cat like um I. don't even know they were like uh oh. watch this guy get his uh get a root. canal done with a forklift yeah and he. does it himself yeah but they had to. show A Thousand Ways To Die. you ever see that they would just find. random cases around the world then they. would hire reenactment actors to be like. yeah I'd be like this guy was climbing. the Christmas tree to try to put the. final thing in the ornament and got you. know electrocuted in the [ __ ] yeah it. was a really weird show they would just. reenact how random deaths would happen.

I wonder if there's like one actor that. does a lot of the death reenactments you. know oh there he was the go-to guy on. call yeah now he's just at a bar like. you were seeing a thousand ways to die. that was me yeah that was me 40 of them. were me yeah. yeah what other shows does Spike TV have. I just remember the name and the feeling. associated with they had early UFC I. think was on Spike TV wasn't it was it. UFC or just a bunch of dudes fighting in. front of a Red Lobster uh I think it. could have been either one that's Maine. that you're talking about yeah there's.

nothing better than like a raw street. fight you ever just been driving by I. see a fight it may have been a ring cam. from Maine yeah exactly yeah dude bro I. was in New York the other day right so. there's like two home there's like a. homeless dude and what we thought was. like a regular dude like we're sitting. outside of a cafe and I don't go to. cafes dude because they're gay right my. buddy wanted to go yeah I was gonna say. I can't see you sitting there sipping a. little cappuccino with a pinky out yeah. I was just dude I was buying Coke and. then selling it to other people I don't. do it anymore but exactly grams you.

notice that [ __ ] keep me hype right. right just to stay cool at the cafe yeah. what can I give you an eight ball you. wanted iced. so to we saw some dudes of me and my. buddy Kevin were like all right well. let's go see what's going on here so we. get up from our little table and the. tables in New York so small especially. cafes how [ __ ] small is this table. yeah it's insane I do like the arguments. when you're like sitting at a table at a. restaurant in New York you can hear the. people like directly to your left and. right couples aren't doing well in New.

York no because I get a lot of hot. people I wouldn't want to be on a. relationship at that time either oh dude. everything that walked by I wanted to. put my face in it you know it's an. insane I couldn't imagine. feeling like I was in a comfortable. relationship in that town like you're. both walking be like wow that girl's so. hot and she's like wow that dude's so. hot and you're just like huh okay I. can't wait to go back to Easter with. your family next weekend yeah [ __ ]. everybody oh dude it's just like you. just want to [ __ ] you know it's crazy. in the fashion out there you just want a.

damn Pink Eye collection you know like. you're [ __ ] willing to get in the. organic way too. yeah not a fart on the pillow just fart. on these goddamn eyelids oh damn yeah I. put these things to sleep honey yes but. it's no hot town so we heard two. homeless dude wait we thought it was a. homeless dude and a regular dude. fighting so it's over not fair for the. regular dude he'll get his ass beat well. we didn't know what was happening so we. cruise over and then one of them they're. beating each other with uh toilet tissue. with a bunch of packet packet of [ __ ].

tickets right so one of them's banging. the other dude up with this with like a. eight pack of [ __ ] tickets dude and. we're like oh dude hey what's going on. here guys yeah and it was a black guy. and a white guy and like what's going on. here guys who is what uh I can't. remember who and then at that point we. realized oh both of these guys are home. are like kind of crackheads or whatever. yeah yeah you know like or they were. drug induced were they having fun though. that kind of sounds fun no it sounds. like a street pillow fight it did a. little but then they Apollo they're like.

we're so sorry they kept cursing at each. other and kept hitting each other with. uh with toilet tissue and. but it was weird because we went from. thinking like all right let's step in. here and see if we can help out or. what's going to go on to it oh yeah oh. [ __ ] both these guys are [ __ ] like. mentally unwell like do you see the. fight at Disneyland last week yeah a. couple whites huh yeah I love a good uh. public fight it's so funny well I always. thought that this was a black thing. until white people so this is basically. cultural appropriation now white people. fighting well fighting at Disney world. because.

they'd had one group of black people. that had done it pretty well a while. back remember that Zach yeah. and they do that like places like matter. like Space Mountain like fun places to. watch a fight yeah they have a jail at. Disneyland oh they do yeah oh I haven't. been but that'd be nice dropping the. soap there. yeah. let's get a quick little yeah oh boy. somebody's giving goofy in that ass. I don't know dude I'm trying to think if. you had to make love to one cartoon who. would it be bro uh the girl from.

Futurama Lola she had three tits and one. eye that's a great combo right there. let's bring her up I think I think it. was three kids in one I wasn't really. looking past the oh she only had two. tits yeah there's only two no she had. three bro you're thinking of Total. Recall yeah. I'm thinking of a good night she just. kind of does something it's like the. purple hair like she she would be a. bartender at a place in Hollywood and. wouldn't look at you and that's hard to. do with that eye but she would like she. wouldn't look you know well having oh.

yeah I see what you're saying but also. I'm going to say this having one eye. there would be something so nice if. somebody when I you ever really try to. look at somebody in the eyes just one. I'm doing it right now like but in both. uh it's almost impossible because you. can't you don't know where to yeah. you're there's always a little bit of. somebody told me a trick for like. interviews you stare in the middle of. the nose like the like right in between. the eyes because it looks you can't. really tell. but also I think one eye is kind of. seductive because like imagine you do. like one of these sort of cheek and she. like blushes and like the one eye goes.

down that's pretty hot but that one eye. is bigger and imagine if she starts. crying and one big tear comes out wow. and I could break an iPhone yeah you. gotta get a bowl of rice and everything. who's your cartoon you'd go for let me. think the cartoon that's oh Jessica. Rabbit huh Jessica Rabbit does it yeah. God yeah boy I just wanted to draw my. own dick on her. I remember when I saw that oh what about. uh Lola I thought she was a real woman I.

was like Mom we have to go meet her oh. do you know how many uh wishes she's on. for Christmas beat you in the yard if. you don't calm down is that what. happened if you got too horned up your. mom would just beat you in the yard oh. dude my mom if we were lucky she'd get a. can she'd get uh some canned beer and go. sit in the yard for a while God. sometimes I wish somebody would beat my. ass when I get too horny it's Sunday. like if I just start like swiping on. dating apps I wish somebody would just. punch me in the back of your head and be. like go write a new joke oh you're right. yeah it would be good you think about. that horniness slows down takes up so. much of your time look at that how much.

horniness does uh my therapist literally. told me the other day that I should try. jerking off to get these thoughts out of. my head. and I was like where the [ __ ] did you. get your degree at Arizona State. University because I was like I was like. I feel like sometimes I like I'm going. on dates I don't know if I just like the. attention or do I do I like I don't want. to waste anybody's time but like do I. like these people or is it just the. attention and he's like well before you. like start texting people back like just. jerk off and it was like such a simple. it's the only time he's ever given me an. answer usually has questions he'll be. like well how does it make you feel why.

does it make you feel but this is the. only time he's like just touch yourself. and I was like damn bro. and I did and it works for about 38. minutes wow really creeps back in you. got that Half-Life so you so you're you. come right back around pretty quick when. you make love to a woman yeah all right. are you willing or able to make love. again the same night the same night yeah. but it's got to be like a full like. Family Guy episode like it's not like it. might I don't know it could like here's. all I go I can get back up but the nut.

ain't. replenished you know yeah so I'm like in. a car driving downhill but there's no. engine in there oh but I'm driving but. nobody so it's almost like the engine's. off but you're still going down you're. coasting yeah but there's no there's no. rev power yeah and then I gotta lie I'm. like oh I finished and then. didn't. so I'd be faking it too ladies. oh I remember the first time I ever got. did six this lady how old were you by. the way. well two things happen one I uh.

one I tried to have sex with a girl and. I just got close to her and just. e-jacked all over. and I just churned out baby I mean he's. built up oh God boy that's probably for. the best I mean you could hear a [ __ ]. wolf howl that [ __ ] was pure brother. that's uncut nut oh that [ __ ] yeah just. straight from the the Pacific so how. close was she to you. um.

she was probably four inches away from. me in bed I could just feel my body. getting closer to hers and just closer. and then I just. and I was like are you is everything. okay are you okay and I was like I. didn't know what had happened kind of. how'd you get out of it uh I said we. should get out of here right and then. say cops are on the way I don't know. what I said dude but I got so scared and. nervous that uh I made her climb out of. the windows anything to take your mind. off the fact that you pre-came yeah I. was like you got to get the [ __ ] out of. here why the dogs are out front the dogs.

are barking yes I was like you have to. get the [ __ ] out of here and there was. nobody else even at our house so it was. like yeah. the window yeah that's crazy now in and. then yeah so that was the first almost. and then I ended up making love to this. girl behind the bowling alley in our. town over there bowling all is kind of a. seductive place a lot of like this. action right here these three fingers. get a lot of work then all of a sudden. you know. there's actually if you pull it up on uh. it's still out there there's um Tiffany.

Lanes it was called I would love if the. first review or like it was like Tiffany. Lane where Theo Von got his [ __ ] touched. yeah is it in there oh my God honestly. somebody did it I'm here because it's. the Yvonne who lost some of the. Impressions at the bowling alley so long. oh dude this is real yep Tiffany Lane's. bowling alley over there they gave it. five stars too temporarily closed. you should reopen it we shut it oh. really that wouldn't be a bad idea to. reopen you should what would you call it. Theo's nut Hut Tiffany's Lane.

timings Tiffany slant yeah I think you. should you remember when the punchline. in San Francisco was gonna close down. and then Chappelle was like here's a. bunch of money to keep it open you. should do that with this place Tiffany. Lane. um. what was the review on there Zach I. don't know if we read it it was a they. said I'm only here because the Yovan. lost something precious that's so funny. that that's. you've I I've been meaning to tell you. this you have the best fans honestly. really they're great with all the shows.

that I've done with you they're so. they're just excited they're just happy. to be there oh thanks man the energy. just is but it feels both because. I don't know I love doing any of your. shows and anytime and last time I did uh. this past weekend a bunch of positive. comments and yeah yeah it's just a great. fan base they just all they're there for. not only you but each other I think and. I think a lot of the clips I see on Tick. Tock are a bunch of really funny stuff. but also people will clip like the. moments where you're just real there was. one recently we were talking about.

you're like I don't know if I'm doing my. to-do list or I don't know whose to-do. list I'm doing and all the comments were. like dude I [ __ ] sympathize with I I. feel this this is like the real Theo so. people respect you on both sides you. know because if I open up and be myself. like not that I'm not but like if I. really open up and I'm like this is what. makes me sad at live people but man shut. the [ __ ] up don't make a video about. Celsius you idiot so for you it's like I. think people are around like 360. they. love Theo 360. oh interesting man and. and look I I know people do care about.

me and and all that and I'm just. fabricating all that stuff but I think. like you know if I if I post anything. that's not like a sketch or stand up. you're like what the [ __ ] is this yeah. go back to making videos of porn stars. idiot you know but I think people just. love you so much for anything and. everything you do thanks man it's it's. really cool there's a lot of special. fans yeah a lot of special people out. there I noticed it too a lot of nice. people come out will leave nice things. leave nice messages I have a lot of good. interaction with people on socials and.

stuff just or a lot of people struggling. with different things I think also. probably since I'm older than you like. you'll have probably more times like. that in the future where you'll get to. spaces in your life like yeah you know. you're still making sure that people and. just like I am like you just you know. you want to make sure that people accept. you or whatever you know and but um it. does feel like that a lot but yeah I. think uh yeah I feel like that when I. did an elk I just did an elk podcast how. was that it was good man I like being. around dude I'm kind of fascinated by by. their business it's hilarious and what.

they do and they keep like like kind of. axing people from their [ __ ] pot like. people kind of disappear it's bizarre. it's like everybody in there is like is. a boyfriend a girlfriend and then. they're like we're [ __ ] done with. that [ __ ] and then next week they're. like we're back together but now he's. done with that like it's just an. ever-changing door but Kyle's the one. that like Remains the Same and then. everyone else kind of rotates around him. but dude I mean like no podcast is. um and I would gladly do it hit me up. but I remember I took like two days off.

social media and the first thing I. opened was my phone it was Donald Trump. being asked about I spice by Kyle and. I'm like what how do we get here and. Donald Trump's like I spice what a woman. great hair love the bush. it is you know I think everything's kind. of merged that's how it felt it was like. a U.S president is doing a podcast alone. is a wild topic but to be doing the nail. boys podcast where they're doing like. it's like all right up next Donald Trump. but first Blue Shield does your dick not. work it's just it's what you said it's.

worlds combining and then we're all. turning into the WWE I mean even the. UFC's now has merged with the WWE yeah. um everything is kind of you know you. have celebrities fighting boxes like. everything is kind of. merging in a weird way everything yeah. it's like and you think that's good or. bad I don't know that's the thing I. don't know what it is it's hard to get. it's hard for me I'm I have a tough time. seeing like the like the like the. patterns and a tough time seeing like. the bigger picture things so I'm like.

what is kind of going on do we feel like. things are getting better or more unique. do we feel like we're just becoming like. I don't know America doesn't really feel. like a big thing anymore like when I was. like America was like the biggest thing. there was dude it was like the biggest. company in the world was America right. it was like we're the biggest company. we're the number one on the Dow Jones. baby yeah USA that was it but now it. feels almost and maybe it's just because. I live in California it it almost feels. like in and I this isn't a political.

statement but it doesn't it feel weird. to rep America a little bit like if you. just see somebody wearing like a USA. t-shirt you almost look at them and you. and you you automatically associate who. they are politically and like who they. are and like how they eat [ __ ] and like. how they shoot guns yeah they eat it. from the back yeah they're pulling hair. like it's a goddamn trucker but it feels. like. but like there's nothing wrong with you. it's like no there's nothing wrong at. all right because you'd see a guy then. uh with a Brazilian flag you're like.

yeah that guy loves his country exactly. but thank you to see a guy with American. fight you're like oh this guy might be. some right-wing Politico guy yeah but. that dude could be sucking [ __ ] like his. [ __ ] you know on some Joey Chestnut. [ __ ] you know so you don't really know. what or where or how or why but like. something about the USA flag you think. you know the person specifically well. that's when it starts to feel like that. something like there must be the dark. artists that kind of run things whoever. they are or if there is. they you know. they've definitely started to dissolve.

the idea of what it means to be American. to a lot of people you know but at the. same time it's like you have people. expressing all their rights and opinions. when they're lucky enough to live in a. country where you can express your right. opinions it's a great place but it's. only because they those things have been. like fought for in. um the government has been kept enough. in check yeah and the you know thing. it's only because like because easily. you could be Cuba or you could be.

um. what's another place. Europe Europe. Paris where they don't or you know what. I'm saying you could be another place. where you don't have the freedom yeah. yeah Russia dude my family's very. Russian and it's like I was I told. somebody the other day I was like I kind. of want to go back to like right now I. was like yeah what's up they're like. what do you mean what's up have you. heard of anything about Russian Ukraine. right now you dumbass I'm like dude I. get all my news from laffy taffies and. Snapchat I'm not doing well in the head. brother I don't know what to tell you. but like it might but like I think we.

take it for granted [ __ ] USA you know. but if you see a guy with a Ford F-350. and it's a wrapped USA you're like oh. this guy really means it this guy is on. a first name basis with a lot of Hooters. in town yeah yeah. well I definitely think there's like. some traditionalism but there are people. who like use the flag now also as like. I'm gonna use the flag as my way of. showing how. um. conservative I am or I don't know but. there's also like libert like people.

that have Liberty or like what is the. new thing it's. libertarian libertarian do they use the. American flag a lot. I feel like they do I feel like they. think that's hilarious dude yeah that's. like [ __ ] some people would have an. ozempic flag outside and people would be. knocking at the door like you got it I. heard a girl at a bar maybe a month ago. she goes I think I'm going to Mexico. next week because ozempic is 800 cheaper. and I was like that sends a loan and I. was just looking at I was like why do.

you have to be so goddamn hot that's. like like if I said that people like. you're an idiot but I heard that and I. was like I could see through the red. flags on this but like going across the. border to get diabetic medicine so you. can look thinner it's a wild time yeah. so the same way that we might say like a. USA flag might look weird on somebody. because it's too patriotic dude they're. looking at La be like you you [ __ ]. are addicted to diabetic medicine right. [ __ ] yeah put it in your zins dude. let's fire up. yeah I don't know and most of our are.

like the military that protects our. country or keeps things like. you know will protect us if need be they. are. they have the American flag on their. [ __ ] uniform so it's really weird to. get people who are like against America. like why have we created a people that. are against our own flag that's the. [ __ ] weird thing to me it is bizarre. it's like being like I [ __ ] hate. Arby's but then you're doing work out at. Arby's yeah but you're wearing a big hat. yeah. you know it's like where did that come.

from where are they getting off this. giant ass cowboy hat there's a comedian. they used to have that joke he was like. oh do you think Arby's is just a oh uh. do you think there's somebody who thinks. Arby's is just a place where they sell. big hats oh God that was an old joke. somebody had look at did you ever uh you. know what Arby stands for. Arby's roast beef yeah RB that's why. it's Arby's wow isn't that crazy that is. cool that's some [ __ ] that blows my mind. more than it should. yeah that's the kind of [ __ ] people. don't know who like the seventh. president was but they know that right.

it's like when you're a child and they. do this got your nose and you're like. hold the [ __ ] on yeah better slow down. there brother what are we doing here. yeah give me that back yeah when I found. out Arby's was Arby's like recently yeah. I didn't know a pickle and a cucumber. were the same thing until I was 22. oh. yeah it just blow your mind doesn't it. nobody tells you that yeah we'll learn. about Volvos and goddamn sexual ad dude. man with Jolly ranch remember when Jolly. Ranchers came out. dude I was thinking about uh my god do. you [ __ ] remember it though. but do you remember I mean you you got.

people because a candy never lasted that. long no I want to tell you that before. that they'd had [ __ ] candies they'd. had mints and they'd had them. uh even when you break it down it's. still tough oh God you couldn't even. break it down you had to hire a man to. [ __ ] almost chew on it for you a. little bit and then put it back in your. mouth God remember when uh Yogurtland. came out. not Yogurtland Pinkberry yeah Pinkberry. had the World by the goddamn sack and a. half and what happened it was tart. yogurt and everyone's like what the [ __ ].

is this yeah our brains couldn't. comprehend it if it went under I think. they're still out there but like at the. time yeah I saw him right yeah they're. out there they are but but at the time. our brains were like why is this ice. cream tart yeah and the worlds couldn't. comprehend it it was like Burger King uh. chicken fries yeah so goddamn good and. they were paying we just said Brianna. chicken fry on actually oh nice yeah. yeah she's she's great yeah she's she's. interesting remember in Dallas a girl. this was like years and years ago maybe.

like 2017 she DM me before the show she. goes you can pour uh chocolate sauce in. my titties and before I get off stage I. was like hold up before I get out of. here I remember this DM where's the. chocolate sauce titty girl and she's. like whoa and then we hooked up with. that night she had some fronzier bags on. her and I'm real talking aged like fine. wine great she DM me like maybe like six. months ago I was like thinking about you. I was thinking about them. God but something like that like that's. a DM where you're like I can't not not. answer this yeah.

yeah sometimes it's cool if you have a. chick just kind of lean off the bed and. hang one tit off the bed man like it's. looking for an iPhone charger yeah. you think if you're a female you'd have. more ass or more rack dude I think if I. were a female I would just uh uh. probably leave the house I'd probably. get nipples put onto my butt cheeks and. just go all tits no ass all tits no ass. yeah wow wow that would. well tits no ass you had that just.

unlimited tits I kind of like it because. it's uh it comes around you know like up. front frontal appearance people are like. yeah whatever that's just the Ivana. whatever your name is and then you walk. away and they're like oh damn I've. misspoken you know because up front. you're just chilling then on the back. you got that Hemi if you saw that brawl. in somebody's ass you'd be like my God. they're doing that well it's like a. Lamborghini you got the engine in the. back yeah got the Hemi up on those legs. I love that man it's funny you know it's. cool that people have an ass and tits. man both what do you got Zach what's up.

in the news of it there for you. we were watching this video. um this girl did a she recreated Kobe. Bryant she's an Asian woman. um she changed her face to look like. Kobe Bryant and it's pretty well crazy. he's gonna need to see that and then so. there's debate is this black face or not. you tell me. um. yeah I mean immediately yes no you think.

I will say this this looks like a lot of. the portraits that you've seen drawn of. Kobe around town. what I haven't seen really many good. portraits of Kobe which is [ __ ] up. given how great he he was let's see her. one more time. this is like Kobe Bryant he saw him on. like Hollywood Boulevard she looks like. Charlemagne in like 20 years I feel like. do you think this is considered. blackface not to me it's not.

it's might be considered Laker face. you know what I'm saying or Western. Conference phase but I don't think this. is black how do you I mean dude this is. I mean how do you not run this past one. person. you're Asian dude some Asians don't even. talk to each other dude if you've been. to China bro it's 70 billion people not. even talking to each other that's crazy. it's unbelievable I feel like that's how. my brain works it's like 70 billion. thoughts but nobody's aligned nobody's. connecting nobody's you know running.

past each other what are people saying. are they into this or not uh I don't. think so I mean first of all it has 16. million views 17 million views I mean if. that's what you got to do to get those. views I mean people are saying it's. blackface well here's what I think she's. gonna be on the Nook boys podcast. tomorrow yeah at a certain point black. like. blackface was can you show down a little. it was they were doing it because they. didn't black people weren't allowed to. be actors so they painted white people. as black people. oh I didn't know that. she's trying to look like Kobe how else.

would she do it. no uh and then someone said I feel like. she's just displaying her makeup or. Talent blackface is really a reach here. yeah maybe that's what I think this. looks a little artistic I don't know it. kind of uncomforts me if a kid who. really loves a black athlete can't be. though I mean I guess you can just by. having this jersey yeah but like if they. wanted to like because a kid if he has. no malice in him and he's not trying to. like do anything bad I don't know at a. certain point. uh.

yeah I think people if you have the. Jersey people still don't get the gist. nobody's wearing just the Kobe jersey. and they're like I don't believe you. then just pass them a can of pain like. you know to do yeah mean it. but then here's the crazy part there'll. be some black people like oh you ain't. [ __ ] real bro unless you paint. yourself up. you know the next thing you know the guy. can't win yeah the guys yeah that's the. thing you can't really win because. there's always that party that's like oh. there's always that part of Black. Culture that's like oh you ain't real. enough you know unless you go all the.

way in and then there's always that part. of the culture that's like oh this is. too much bro you [ __ ] uh using. cultural appropriate I think if she. wanna you just go half she could just do. half yeah there you go you know that way. like if somebody's like that's offensive. she turns like this and like what do you. mean like ah but then the crowd that's. like oh that's not folding a boom yeah. kind of like a flounder and she's Asian. if it were a white person maybe it gets. looked at a little bit differently this. person is an Asian person they don't. know what they're doing she doesn't even. know Kobe Bryant passed away yeah she. probably doesn't and also is this Kobe.

Bryant let's look at this [ __ ] first. it looks more like. um maybe like Ron our test after he's. been doing a lot of Equinox yeah. yeah I would say that it looks more like. uh I mean yeah the more look at this. just doesn't look anything like Kobe. Bryant right this looks like have you. ever seen a good Kobe Bryant mural now. they're all a little off huh right. that would piss me off yeah this looks. like right yeah I think you're right on. the run our test it even. I don't even know who this looks like a.

black like a black guy that would work. like in an office or something like a. FedEx brother do you ever seen that guy. hooping at a gym and he's wearing all. Michael Jordan head to toe it kind of. looks like a little bit there should be. a video he's like hooping out like a 24. Hour Fitness. what else we got Zach for the news. um California is about to ban Skittles. really other candies yeah oh this is. interesting yeah apparently they're kind. of toxic I [ __ ] love so Skittles Pez. Hot Tamales. um this is gonna happen and many more.

popular candies the California Assembly. last week or only the past assembly Bill. 418 sending the legislation over to. State Senate. um as long as I'm banned Tech talk I. don't really give a [ __ ] with a band. Skittles is just funny it's like we have. Vape flavored Skittles Hot Tamales too. though well I guess they have link. they're linked to cancer that's a big. thing Skittles I mean allegedly that's. why this is all is this Our Generations. putting Coke and Coke back in the day. you know.

like was there cancer in the Skittles. and they knew it or whatever yeah what. if. I mean I think I'm like this is just. something's just change over time you. know if the chemicals are bad then. they're bad who knows. what's Skittle slogan. Taste the rainbow oh well we should get. rid of that first before we do anything. yeah especially on the on the heels of. all the remember all the Bud Light stuff. which has been so crazy for them are. they doing like a camo can to like. combat it yeah I think they just do both.

it's camo rainbow a rainbow camo and. just they [ __ ] the fruit it would look. like a four logo honestly yeah. I miss a good four Loco it's crazy how. many but then also the craziest thing. about the Bud Light thing is all they. did was send that girl some beers right. or that guy Dylan I don't even know what. happened they sent him some views you. know like sometimes like Brands will. send you stuff and of course put your. name water or try to make it. personalized to you so that you'll share. it or make it a social thing that's what. they did that's all they did yeah.

but mulvani took it and said oh they. made me a spot like Mulvane is the one. who blew it up all they did was send a. little gift thing what did the kid they. paid mulvani or not what did the can. look like or that was the one that's it. right there oh wait wait I didn't know. what the can look like for some reason I. thought it would uh. huh yeah that's it they just put her. picture on a can so she then blows it up. and then people you know now it's just. so much bigger than what they like it. unbelievable joke is so much bigger than.

what it actually was the only person it. really behooved was um. perm. yeah and I'm Dylan probably made a lot. of money off this and we're just. exposure of course. yeah yeah I believe that he's a gay male. that's looking for clout but I don't. know if that definitely it's just. something that I believe and I could be. wrong. what do you think is that. um yeah I don't know I mean uh the thing. is people people thought that this was. being distributed Nationwide and no it.

wasn't and it wasn't so it's kind of a. perfect example of like misinformation. like people didn't take any time to like. read into it further it just the joke. was so much bigger than the actual story. that now like anytime you see somebody. drinking a Bud Light oh better keep my. pants on or if I'm down for you know. like. you could buy somebody a Bud Light if. it's getting laid and you think they're. gay yeah I mean now now it's like it's. past the point of a controversy we know. it's just like funny at Bud Light. there's nothing to do with Dylan it's. more just like like it's funny like send. a a group of dudes on a bachelor party.

or a Buffalo Wild Wings but hey can we. send around a Bud Lights and then they. get in they're like oh what I guess we. gotta suck each other off now just start. going after like it's funnier now than. the actual the the controversy I think. yeah I agree yeah I agree it's almost. just funny now it's like a funny thing. it's exactly crazy how quickly something. goes from being like real serious to. funny now it's like it used to be that. that probably would have taken two years. well now it's just the the name Bud. Light is a joke in the same way that the. name like Kyle or like Chad or some of.

these big or Karen these big meme names. yeah are just forever Implement. implanted that like like so now you'll. never think of a Bud Light again the. same yeah and we'll be 93 in our chairs. with demand she'd be like [ __ ] bud. light and just talking to a brick wall. you know Benjamin's gay you know or just. run our laps in our head of thoughts. what else we got Zach what else is going. on I can tell you this last night I was. at a fireplace in a moth landed on the. corner and then he just flew directly. into the fire I was like you were. looking for the wrong light brother he's.

his time was done I saw him laying I was. like damn he's awfully close to the fire. he contemplated it maybe like four. seconds and then just be lined right. into the Flames wow it's kind of kind of. sad but honestly I respect it yeah well. I mean I think it's a lot of people how. like addiction happens it's like you. once and you feel it makes you feel warm. it's a good light and you're like I'm. going all the way in think about that. he's like I'm [ __ ] done with light. bulbs give me the brightest hottest [ __ ]. you can find I want all that smoke yeah. God kind of respect him a little bit I'm.

gonna get them tattooed on my bicep yeah. mothy. um dude I saw one time I was in church. and a woman. um a butterfly came and landed on her. face at church really and she said oh. that's my son he visits me every year he. died this time like seven years ago. so uh it was at this Crystal Cathedral. in Orange California and the doors of. the church open like the whole wall. opens so that. um butterfly so that like uh you can. just the organ is like right there and. it's just beautiful it's oh wow and this.

butterfly came all the way in and landed. right on her cheek and she that's what. she said that's my son he died in a. motorcycle accident and uh he comes and. visits me well I would start tearing up. on spot it was crazy man I got some. pictures with her I got a good look and. see if I have no real pictures yeah. taking some pictures like this and she. just got the butterfly did the butterfly. ever come to you at all or no it kind of. haul it meant it stayed on her face for. probably about 15 minutes wow and then. it left that'd be cool if you and the. Butterfly became boys just left right. out the same way it came in yeah could. be interesting yeah videos like that.

would make me tear up also uh yeah. when's the last time you teared up you. think oh man probably recently yeah you. know it's a lot of stuff in my personal. life and just kind of just figure I'm. just trying to figure out like what and. who I am I guess I like I know very much. career-wise but I think internally. you know like I'm 30 and I'm like I. don't have a family I don't really know. what's going on and it's like sure I can. drown my life out with work and you know. I can always be like I have more tour. dates make more videos edit this but. it's like it's this moments where I'm. sitting still I'm like what. what am I doing this for who who would I.

want to share this with you know damn I. don't know not to get deep but it but I. know it's important part like that or or. if I see a video of like uh you know. somebody coming home from the war and. surprising their son at a baseball field. that'll give me um dude come in home. every time that or it's like the The Wiz. Khalifa song. those always make me cry those are those. man or like the dad walks into the. baseball or uh to the classroom oh I. watch those anytime I need to adjust my.

feelings dude those are the videos that. I go to those always make me feel just. feel I just feel right there yeah those. are great you know videos I love. watching for the opposite reasons is. stolen valid videos you ever seen those. in the airport when the guy's like. filming he's like oh you serve too nice. where'd you serve at and you guys like. uh St Petersburg and the guy's like. really because if you did be on your. left shoulder it starts going Adam and. then he's like so the Valor the guy just. trying to get a free Cinnabon at the. airport I [ __ ] God it's so it's such. a loser thing to do oh it's the when.

people do Stolen Valor they shouldn't. make them have to do a week of boot camp. Oh that's like that's their punishment. dude the videos are just so funny. because it's like what are you trying to. do it for they always look like a guy at. the top left yeah it's always at a. restaurant too restaurant or the airport. because they're trying to get like a. free meal or something oh yeah that's. what they're using it for yeah that'll. like respect or something like board the. plane first that's just too many hacks. man if you're hacking the world this. much you gotta shut it down bro yeah. it's just I don't know man it's there's.

better ways to do it like don't wear. like like I would just wear a t-shirt. says like organ donor somebody will help. you out yeah that's a good point and. that's not storm Valor if you aren't. maybe it is the craziest Stolen Valor is. when you see somebody wearing like a uh. Travis Kelsey Jersey and they're not. it's like and they're not Travis Scott. chance bro. yeah but the video is always so funny. because they you can tell they did their. research up to a certain point but. they're not even as healthy as Randy. Travis yeah right bring up Randy Travis.

yeah I just it's they're so funny to me. and God bless Randy Travis is an amazing. singer. um he has a disability what is it called. he's got something men uh oh I didn't. know that. Lu uh what's he got Lou uh Lou Gehrig's. maybe Lou Gehrig's yeah. or somebody garrig's what's he got he. had a stroke oh he had a stroke. my bad but he's got yeah yeah but if you. see somebody in a rant yeah in a Travis. Kelsey Jersey and they're not even.

Travis Kelsey they're not yet and. they're not even Randy they're not even. like you know they're not even Travis. Pastrana yeah and he's deceased didn't. he no no you know he's just he's a lot. yeah he's he's very yeah so they uh so. anyway that kind of stuff to me is some. real Stolen Valor what makes you laugh. or what makes you cry well let's do both. sides. well I mean what you're saying I think. about like not knowing like what's going. like what am I doing this for [ __ ] dude. that [ __ ] can. I find my emotions get really high like.

that and then I kind of calm myself down. I'm like it doesn't matter what if I. don't know the answers today that's fine. and then I can like walk myself through. but it starts off high then I like walk. myself through it yeah and then I saw. that moth it goes straight into that. fire I was thinking about this last. night actually I saw a moth go right. into the fire and I was like damn. maybe that's. I don't know everybody has their own. Journey whoa whoa brother that moth was. not feeling it but yeah I don't know I I. think that's I I usually feel that and. then I can walk myself through it.

that's the thing if you don't get an. idea of what you want to do then. whatever you're doing will just continue. I noticed that for myself it's like I. work all the time I mean last night I'm. messaging Zach at freaking midnight. about something yeah you know and you. just can't shut the brain off I'm the. same way and I'm so so thankful that I. knew what I wanted to do at a young age. like I the fact that I'm more lost in. life than I am with career it's a. blessing because the other ways it can. can be just it's just a different way. but yeah I mean it's always greener it's.

like you have the perfect family. relationship but you're [ __ ] you know. you work at H R Block and you're like I. want it to be a balloon animal artist. yeah and now you're in the bathroom. blowing up goddamn Trojans making snakes. oh yeah drug muelling dude yeah so I. don't know I I don't think I ever have. to know what's really going on you just. take it day by day oh yeah dude I think. sometimes bruh uh but I notice if you. don't have an idea or get an idea at. some point you'll just continue like I. just continue to work my life continues. to be kind of the same cycle some of it. is because like. of like just being late to figuring out.

what's going on with myself you know. whereas now as I do start to look a bit. a little bit more like I want a family. or I'm alone by myself and it's like man. after a while this gets boring right you. know or uh you want to have somebody to. share like a nice time with you know but. then you have a family you go to. Disneyland all of a sudden some dude's. swinging on you yeah and then you're. like God I wish I was [ __ ] single so. there's no you know there's no perfect. way there isn't and that's what I think. you find out just the time you just find. out what you like what you don't like. and you try to tend towards you like as. much as you can yeah do you think you.

would ever leave your wife and children. definitely. respect would you ever leave your wife. and kids I believe that if I don't want. to. I'm gonna say that right now I do not. want to leave you guys. whoever they are yeah and I. did I used to write postcards to my kids. like that like years ago I'd write. postcards I can't even though I didn't. even have them where would you send them.

just to my own address and like save. them for my kids from when I get older. or whatever that's crazy right did you. have their names already picked out or. it'd be like insert name I can't. remember if I put their names first I. think I just put dear name here yeah uh. yeah I can't remember or unborn or. something like [ __ ] weird yeah yeah. but because I think part of me always. wanted probably to have children but I I. could never see any way how I was gonna. get there from where I was where I was.

at well what happens with me I was with. a couple recently and they've been. together for five years they got a kid. on the way and hearing them talk made me. realize how far away I am from where. they are in life you know they're like. oh we're getting married next year we. just had a kid and like the way they. would talk like she would start talking. and then he'd be like do you want should. I finish the story because you're. telling me wrong I'll finish the story. then they're like going back they're. like arguing with each other and they. bring it to you and like I was so. disconnected to where those two were at. in life of a family and like it you know. if a family was like a like a pie chart.

like they had so much more pie than me. like I had just a little sliver yeah you. were morale mode huh yeah I was on the. side I was a little I was a little. raspberry on the side just hanging out. well I think but also for some people. there's different paths you know and. it's hard to battle with whatever your. path has been you know it's like I felt. like when I was a kid like I just didn't. have like a lot of affection and stuff. at home but then as an adult like you. were saying I got a lot more like. affection is from strangers you know so. it's almost like you just never really. know what the path for life is gonna be.

that's true you know you might like. Robert Downey Johnson or whatever just. had a kid at 79 years old right De Niro. Robert De Niro did it really yeah backed. up down there I know he just had a kid. man wow yeah Robert well how old your. dad was old my dad was 70 yeah so you. were doing so he was following the. footsteps of your father yeah I mean my. dad I mean this is nine years later. that's crazy I remember my dad would. tell me stories about kids in his. village like eating dirt they were. starving yeah you know his old village. is crazy.

um there he is right there yeah he's. still pumping is that his wife and he's. hammering on that mixed yam homie yeah. look at that's his lady oh yeah gang. maybe damn. I feel like after he busts one he does. like he like hops on his glasses. and then like polishes on like a silk. t-shirt yeah what's the oh that's good. what's the best post. uh ejaculate uh move. uh I would say finger pistols or a. Gainer flip into a hot tub. in the flip where you run back one too.

what is that that's a forward-facing. backflip oh that's crazy if you come and. then just do a gander flip into a body. of water you get Knocked Up and that sun. is addicted to vape early oh dude here's. the crazy thing these days somebody who. can do a forward backflip like you're. saying is looked at more prestigiously. than somebody who's serving in the. military oh dude I mean if I see you do. that you're in my will I don't give a. [ __ ] you earn part of what I earned. forever you're more important than my. agent and manager.

bro it's so crazy how one little thing. that somebody can do yeah what's the. craziest thing I think uh oh one thing. that's crazy is if you say I'm going to. the restroom you go hide in their. apartment it's just anywhere yeah just. in the pantry eating hibiscus well you. hide and that's gonna look for you like. oh it's hiding this one person is a. [ __ ] psycho I'm definitely taking. Plan B after this person and then you. forgot it's your apartment and they just. leave them for seven hours what do you. think what do you think a girl would get. the most turned on like what move do you.

think you could do though like oh my God. Theo's. so much more attractive than I thought. like what's a movie besides hiding I. don't know I don't have a lot of strong. moves I think it's kind of like the. Wi-Fi maybe kissing on the neck a little. bit I like yeah on you or you to her me. to her I like kissing on a woman neck. probably yeah unless she got too much. [Music]. um. perfume on there oh yeah God dang some. ladies put that [ __ ] on bro right your. tongue goes numb you got fentanyl on. your neck I know damn bro some lady that.

[ __ ] is too much bro that's a little. heavy but I like it the next day if like. the pillow kind of smells like her. that's some [ __ ] where I'm like nice. that's my wife that's white stuff that's. how like like I uh I met up with uh my. ex a couple months after we had broken. up and that scent was the same scent and. it brought back so many memories just. like it's just it's just associate you. know yeah we had a chick at our school. they used to go to school and she put. that orange bathroom cleaner you know.

that smell that's in all the bathrooms. fabulosa oh no no no no no it was just. very generic orange bathroom cleaner I. think it was called out too generic. orange bathroom cleaner yeah something. just like that by Nabisco yeah yeah it. was a government scent and she she put. that [ __ ] on oh Ajax and I would smell. it no no this is way too commercialized. a lot of that uh. and she'll put it on yeah wow wow maybe. that was it up one smelling like. vitamins and to the left.

something like that Eco orange yeah yeah. she put that [ __ ] Eco orange on at. school I like the scent of the the pink. soap they got in the schools that. stuff's good that stuff was nice it. tastes like uh like a like like. Robitussin oh you're not supposed to. taste it. but I used to Huff a lot of things as a. child. God yeah there you go right there get. that the one yeah yeah that's the stuff. we're looking at yeah that would like. the scent to that reminds me of the. dentist office but like in a good way. Advantage chemicals it was called dude.

they did not put any [ __ ] work into. that name like it's a contest dude. Advantage chemicals you just knew you're. gonna lose that's not a crime scene you. pulled over a dead body and the body. just disintegrates oh that's a Dexter. sauce I mean that's all that is what. other news we got there's a ton of. Stories on there can I go pee real quick. yeah let's go piss man take a break. what else you've been dating what have. you been doing because last time we saw. each other we went to Young gravies. remember oh yeah yeah I saw you with. young gravy I was uh seeing a lady at. that point. um yeah I'm kind of just trying to. figure things out right now I'm really.

just uh I'm filming a special in July so. I'm really just trying to focus on. everything just comedy related right now. just but uh it's hard because you know. you like you said you're like man I like. going on dates is fun it's like it's fun. kind of building up you know chemistry. with people see if it's working or not. and whatnot but. um sometimes yeah you just like you have. a show and like you meet a really cool. chick and you're like all right let's. feel this out like sometimes you don't. even want to date but somebody gets. brought into your life and you're like. oh let me explain let me see what's. going on here. um do you have a process for not wasting. your time and their time a little bit.

uh I think I'm getting. um I don't know I like you do a call. first usually you do anything like that. or you just kind of. um no I wish do you I know some people. like FaceTime before but that's so weird. it feels weird but if it saves everybody. the time that's true I don't know if I. have a plan I should have a better plan. I need to start to have a plan I think. if I want to get a wife and family like. not that I I can choose what's gonna. happen because you don't know what's. going to happen right but I think I.

should have at least like some uh. a little bit of a like a pattern I'd. like to follow to help myself yeah I. kind of feel it out just like you kind. of feel it like through texting like. what type of person that is but like. some people talk to they're they got it. all mapped out I don't have like that. they're like first date you go to drinks. it's an easy and it's an easy out second. date Park free cheap get out third date. then you have food it's like it's all my. app I kind of just feel it out yeah like. I'll take a girl to a steakhouse four. minutes in and I'll be like. we don't need to be here yeah you know.

or she'll say something she's like oh we. could have just watched the sunset. you're like that shit's free. you're like steak mistake God damn send. this back it's medium rare send me back. uh I don't really have a process I don't. know I don't really know what's going on. in life a lot of times really. um yeah I think it's well it's just. interesting especially these days I. think. we're also like on social media we're. all on like we're constantly being. entertained by stuff right correct. there's so much entertainment like you. can turn on your phone at any point you.

can see like an amazing goal being. scored someone uh battling something. severe in their life somebody uh doing a. GoFundMe somebody lost their arms legs. and head I saw the other day some guy. lost his arms legs and head you can also. watch a man getting head in a thing yeah. and you can do GoFundMe for both it's. crazy how much stimulation your brain is. thrown at you all at once it's the best. of everything right all in a few minutes. but then you shut it off and you come. back to whatever your regular life is. and usually I think in that time when.

your brain would have been kind of. processing what's going on in your own. life because your brain's kind of a. processor right it wants to organize. things of course your brain wants to. organize things like that's its like. modus operandi like that's it's what it. does it like notices patterns it. organizes things so you have the best. most comfortable way to live and survive. right that's like what is whole job is. yeah so I think usually. when we're relaxing or resting or giving. our brain time to kind of process and. we're not just constantly entertaining.

that's what it is then we are able to. have more things figured out whereas I. think now when we're just doing constant. entertainment you're not getting as much. figured out like in the background. your brain a chance to openly think. that's why you got to return the books. it's like you know at the library you. see all the stacks of books that were. returned yep and you're like damn this. my the book I really like could be in. there but I don't even know yeah we're. not giving our brain a chance to return. any books we're just [ __ ] opening up. millions of [ __ ] books there's. anything on the Shelf anymore exactly. tons of books and throwing books of the.

show and they fall right off yeah yeah. Dewey Decimal is shooting up in the. [ __ ] in the corner like long division. hasn't been talking to in a long time. that boy turned an academy in asap down. by the Hudson but that's really kind of. a neat analogy I didn't think about that. before but that's kind of what it's like. it is because all those thoughts are in. your brain but you you're just you're. distracting it with social media and I. mean it's it is wild and that's why like. people [ __ ] lose their mind you know. on a plane before you can't take off and. there's no like there's no like Wi-Fi.

yet or you can't open up your laptop the. dark 11 they call it that dark 11. oh do. they yeah yeah but that's who you are in. that 11 minutes is who you really are. yeah who you are when your phone is dead. that's who you really are when you're. just sitting there at an IHOP with a. dead phone and you got to make eye. contact with the lady with one eye yeah. I'll take the flapjack and what the [ __ ]. happened there but like those moments. it's like I did that last night when I. was sitting by the fireplace I I didn't. have my phone and I just wanted to just. I just wanted to.

I've been traveling so much I kind of. like lost. my own narrative a little bit and I just. was like what what is important right. now what do I want to focus on. I just stared Into the Fire and it's. just like. oh I had every thought that I've been. neglecting it felt nice it's kind of. like when people do mushrooms it's like. those thoughts get brought to the. surface yeah I'm trying to think one of. my favorite times on mushrooms ever. um I like being on a bird scoot or a. little buzz oh and I know that's illegal. but it feels [ __ ] is it illegal I.

feel like they only work if you have a. buzz dude I remember when we were as uh. children they had we did some uh LSD or. mushrooms right or um one of the two. or LSD and we went to the Waffle House. and it was the first time we'd seen a. gay dude right or a ledge gay or. whatever at Waffle House yeah or just in. general uh I can't remember but it was. the first time we'd seen a gay dude like. this close to like a kitchen right and. it was uh they had.

um. it was like the first time we'd seen. like a gay dude with like a menu you. know okay so uh my buddy started just. laughing so hard we were just on drug. like we were laughing so hard the guy. thought that he was choking right. because of how he was laughing like he. was like laughing so much he was like. almost spitting up yeah so he starts. doing the Heimlich maneuver on my buddy. a dude that we had just thought was gay. so now the whole restaurant was like. what's going on here let's don't say.

restaurant. this is where like this is normal Waffle. House Behavior there's no this is where. people and in our town like they had a. long bridge near our town it was the. longest bridge in the world for a while. and it dropped off one end of it was by. our town nice and the um so the police. everybody they caught on that bridge. drunk uh drive and they would drop off. at this Waffle House so it was like a. [ __ ] that was your drunk tank was a. Waffle House yeah I mean if I was drunk. I would definitely stay so it was like a. boost smart yeah it was a Booz Zoo for.

[ __ ]. just just derelicts you know so anyway. this but this alleged gay dude is just. [ __ ] heimlich at my buddy who's not. she already coughed up and he's still. gone oh dog he's good he's good they. just turn out and I'm like is this dude. really an EMT or is this dude just. having like kind of like a fit of gay or. whatever you know but he was humping on. my home yeah Waffle House you walk in. they're sober but you sit in that chair. long enough you feel a little bit you. don't know what drug it is yeah if it's. an upper or down or just life but you.

feel that oh it's that [ __ ] margarine. Buzz homie I [ __ ] love Waffle House. there was a donut shop in my hometown. where uh if you used to flash them your. tits you get free donuts. I never did it for me but they did have. God I love that but like I was always. wondering like like do they do a buy. size like what if you showed your tits. and like all right here's a donut hole. I'd be like damn I got fake tits for no. reason but yeah like if you had some. knockers they'd be like here's a bear. claw it's kind of crazy oh that was the. original girl has gone wild.

God I'd show my oh God I don't know what. I'm looking for a bear call when I was a. kid so good in our neighborhood if you. had respect for something you'd take. your shirt off yeah what is that it's. just like a thing it's almost very. native I think you would Alpha yeah or. no not Alpha just like you wanted them. to like it was a sign of respect like a. standing ovation but for your body yeah. because I think back in the day we. didn't have clothes on all the time. that's true who invented clothes can you. look it up.

some [ __ ] idiot probably that's what. I'm saying you want to see less tit. unless it was like a parent then I get. it but like yeah the Neanderthals oh. Ronnie pants did it huh the first known. humans to make clothing Neanderthal man. survived from about 200 000 BC to about. 30 000. wow 170 000 years do they do it. because they were cold or they were just. too horny during this time maybe tried. celibacy and he's like bro you got to. cut those nips up or something. during this time the Earth temperature.

Rosen fell dramatically creating a. series of ice ages throughout the. Northern areas. um when was the first clothing made can. you go down to that who was the first. boss 200 000 BCE that's what they said. okay and what was it can we look and see. what it was you gotta be like a leaf. the First clothes were made from natural. elements animal skin and Furs grasses. and leaves and bones and shells. um it was often draped or tied. however simple needles made out of. animal bone provided evidence of sewn.

leather and fur garments from at least. 30 000 years ago. did they even have yeah I'm trying to. think if you could stunt back then you. think you could 100 I think so. because how do you roll up when do you. roll up. not in the middle of the day it's hot as. hell right because somebody's in a cave. like you have to like when when he Flex. in it. probably if I was you know I would do I. would I'm gonna go get some water right. go to the well no clothes not come back. with the water and the clothes and. they'd be like oh my God I'm like oh.

yeah oh oh this oh the water the outfit. you know like a little like subtle like. yeah which one yeah this one's dripping. you know which one got that water shoddy. who who what now the town caveman I. don't know when would you do it I don't. that's a good question bro I think if. you roll in around dinner with a special. deal like a little dessert or a little. yeah for dessert yeah fruit or something. you bring a [ __ ] Apple they've never. seen. everybody's smashing bro and dude back. in the day there was no way to let.

people know you were happy except. they're probably jerk off you think oh. I'm sure if you brought the figures or. like the what the [ __ ] it called Kmart. dude hieroglyphics no somebody what do. you think maybe if you're stuck in a. room you're stuck in a cave right you're. in there by fire and somebody brings out. an apple and you've never [ __ ] seen. one you take a bite of it oh that would. that would that would do things to me I. still feel that way a cold Granny Smith. I would take that over sex a lot of days. call Granny Smith a little bit of peanut.

butter on It come on now she'll never. leave you unread. do you DM a lot of like girls that you. think are attractive or you no I usually. wait until people like DM me um because. I'm so scared of rejection that like I. have sent like a DM to like like a hot. chick that I thought was like pretty. cute or something yeah and it [ __ ] with. my ego because if I hit them up and they. don't respond then I'm like oh all right. maybe I'm just invisible and who knows. she maybe is dating somebody or she's.

not into a super sexy buff guys like me. like who knows what the flaw is yeah but. what about you do you I said let me. think I sent Bruce Willis's doll and his. daughter's a DM one time and she didn't. write me back but how did that did that. do anything for your ego or were you. just like damn no I saw her at a party. and I'd seen her before I decided oh. yeah I just wish it was really neat and. had just uh that's a rejection for me uh. you know visually I was very you know. remember what you said stimulated why. she didn't say anything no what did you. say I said oh good evening.

um I said oh good evening there's bugs. in here I said oh good evening. uh uh all right what do you say oh damn. he's got a lot of them I should have. went through the catalog. I didn't know did I had uh somebody will. get back to you. rumor. yeah yeah that's her name rumor yeah. that's crazy yeah beautiful oh she you. know attractive lady I don't know her. that well but she just had uh uh I just.

saw her somewhere and yeah so then uh. Center Indian but but that's okay it's. like you know that's life what are you. gonna do it is and you don't know why. they didn't respond or whatever he. married her dad has been sick she also. may have zero interest to me she may uh. not even you don't know yeah it could be. anything dude you're basically just. throwing. you're just wishing into the world. that's really what it is yeah and it's. kind of for like a date or get to know. somebody. um. so I don't know that's pretty that's. okay though right who are the people.

you're dating are there people you kind. of meet out and about or are these. you know let me think. um. uh a gal that I met at a comedy show. okay but the tough thing is yeah you. start to look at your schedule you start. to look what that's like you start to. look at your own Ambitions yeah like uh. you know David Spade and I are trying to. get that movie done and not to name drop. but people know that and that's what. we've been working on and so it's like. that's awesome well if I have to go do. that how long does that take and then. yeah you know people keep at or I want.

to go tour more so that's probably going. to be the rest of this year and next. year yeah I feel insane when the girls. like we should get drink sometime I'm. like yeah are you free in four months I. know you're like sick she's like no and. if I am I'm dating somebody else yeah. but in some weird way you're like okay. that's when I'm like here or something. do you ever do uh Chocolate Sundaes at. the Laugh Factory they book you for a. first impression but it's like two and a. half years before they're like are you. available in 2048 and you're like yeah. if I'm not dead I'll be there for my.

three minutes but I remember like 2015 I. signed up for it and thank God it took. so long because I was trash then. probably slightly less trash when I did. it but like ended up doing well and you. got past and everything but it's like it. was like a two and a half year wait yeah. it's just so funny to be like are you. available for this you're like huh who. has plans for that oh so I'm gonna be. enlisted for that my bad yeah that's the. future man the future is so weird. because it's like. we know it exists. but we don't.

the future just like a moving walkway in. the mall it's just gonna keep going no. matter who's on it or who's off of it. it's just going. the future is so because we know so much. about it based on what we know from the. past you know like are we assume that's. the thing about the future film yeah. it's this big bowl of assumption you. know yeah it's this [ __ ] grandiose. play of assumption. so we've assumed exactly what's going to. have based on everything that's happened. but then that's the goal I think that's.

the dope ass thing that the future can. do right if the future is a [ __ ] real. Vibe right if he's like Trick Daddy or. something oh he's got a couple tricks up. at sleep yeah you know all flying cars. no here's a flashlight you're like I'm. not mad that's kind of worse it's kind. of better than a flying car. you ever use the flashlight uh nope I. never have man have you ever used it I. have it sad the pose is not blank after. it's full or whatever. what is that crazy or whatever no my.

little robot for my cat does that though. oh it does yeah after I come into the. little robot no. um but it's the post-nut regret is. insane because you have to clean it out. and you're like in a sink there's dishes. you haven't watched in three weeks and. you're just in there scrubbing away you. catch a glimpse of yourself in like an. old [ __ ] shiny cup looking at you did. you take it to the cleaners or whatever. uh you could probably put it outside and. like water it down there has to be a.

place to mail it or something you know I. think prison they'd be pretty happy with. that. dude we really want to get an inmate if. anybody knows an inmate or has a. familial inmate uh we would love to have. a pen pal I think in here oh a pen pal. would be cool and preferably I would. love for them I don't want to say what. they're in for but tell me you know I'll. do really. give me a clue yeah we're gonna do a. little yeah a little miming there yeah. yeah a little game of Clue right I feel. like it has to be a good crime huh yeah.

definitely because I feel like even I. mean I would just be so curious to even. talk to someone who's ever murdered. somebody I know I've always wanted to. but the crazy thing is we probably have. due to the [ __ ] Juice Shop hey are. you next in line oh yeah cool this guy's. killed somebody yeah. you go first have you ever talked to. someone who's killed somebody oh yeah. dude I got a butt I got a friend who. killed somebody on purpose. um. I don't want to say well good legal. reasons but he's yeah honestly bro and.

he's he said it's all he said it's. it's awesome. well I think we know why he did it. why I don't know but like if you're like. was it on accident or not and he said it. was awesome I don't think any accidents. are awesome he said it was awesome now. now you have to know him and know what. other stuff I think he thinks is awesome. right you have to have your own idea of. what is awesome you know you have to be. like uh you know if you could be a. stunning Steve Austin fan Did anyone say.

that this is awesome was that him. um so I think there's a lot of elements. that can go into that but is he in jail. or no. he is. or we don't have to get into that yeah I. don't want to snitch I don't want to sit. I don't want I don't want him coming. after me that's all I'm saying it was an. accident he's he's vibing you know. what else can we talk about what else do. we have in the News Zach. um a German surgeon was fired because he. had a janitor help with an amputation.

because no one was available that's. Health Care bro German surgeon fired. they getting anybody. I saw something recently maybe you can. try this there's a dude that got fired. at a hotel a manager snuck into. somebody's room and sucked their foot I. was in Nashville bring that up was that. really yeah Bobby did you did you talk. about it already or no no never talked. about it this was in Nashville yeah does. that resonate living there for a couple. years now. oh wow so you can guess toe's a sort of.

nightmare let's go to the. oh that's somebody who's had a toe or. two in his taste buds yeah David Patrick. Neal three first names 52 was arrested. Friday after a hotel guest Peter Brennan. a walk around 5 a.m March ready to find. the night manager indulging his apparent. foot fetish. wow what does it say he did Brennan. reportedly screamed when he found Neil. sucking on his toes and immediately. recognized him as one of the two Hotel. staff members who had been in his room. the previous day to help him with his TV.

first of all if you call a man from the. front desk come help you with your team. what are you you're kind of asking for. it you are giving low-key you're giving. low-key gay you're giving a lot of. low-key gay you're giving a lot of like. oh maybe you could come in and suck my. toes because think about it he was in. his room oh my TV doesn't work he's. probably has his shoes off the night. manager is like yeah okay what do you. want to watch yeah TNT no let me see. them Tian feet yeah yeah any kind of. song like dabbling right there wiggling. he's appointing oh the remotes over.

there yeah like that's all it takes man. what else does it say anything else Zach. let's see some more information huh did. you go to jail for that are you just. horny Camp all my life you just have. this insecurity and that and that sense. of peace right it's not like you're. camping and you have to kind of keep one. eye open you have a security that's. yours when you close your eyes you feel. like you're safe and you're protected it. was a complete violation. who are you why are you in my room it. was almost like a dream. upon further investigation Brennan's. attorney uh found that Neil had a. lengthy rap sheet that included.

voluntary manslaughter conviction for. shooting his roommate during a fight in. 96. well the toe sucker shot someone. yeah wow so he's grown since then. he has. would you do if you were asleep in a. hotel Nashville someone was sucking on. your toes I mean look I'll say this it's. hard to get a foot off. okay so maybe the dude is just really. he needed that you know as somebody who. wasn't breastfed as a child and he just. needed some suck I think you got to let.

him go for a little bit yeah I would. because what's gonna happen next like. where do you go from that yeah was your. toenail gonna grow a little bit. I would let yeah I'll give him a few. I'll do like two or three like oh no. what are you doing because then I could. also see if I'm into it right he's. already gonna assume you're already. gonna make Bank you might as well dabble. and see if you're into the you know yeah. the foot fantasies. trying to think of anything like that's. ever happened around uh I walked into a. room one night and uh there was a big.

guy sitting on the bed already picking. his feet when I walked into my room they. gave me the wrong room and how did you. say anything or just oh I'm sorry I. didn't turn I did that backed out yeah. respected what he was doing understood. it about 4 15 in the afternoon I get it. picking his toes yeah but then again if. you were the night manager you would. take that as a sign of flirtation oh. you're picking your toes when I'm here. to fix your TV yeah okay well now that's. another thing see there's things that. people take everybody's idea of what is. flirtation is different right so I think.

if you're in your room you're chilling a. dude you're like hey something's wrong. with the TV he comes up and he's being. even a say of that guy the night manager. guy or or the the night manager guys. thinking of media of course if you're a. gay guy who likes sucking on people's. feet and a guy calls you to his room the. first thing you're hoping in your head. oh yeah well also that's not to do in a. launch all over his back right. sub to form watching porn right Hotel. manager fixes TV and something else.

right it's not too far down the pipeline. not crazy at all you might have taken. some melatonin the night before still. been a little off in the head. so I think yeah if someone's yeah so. some people they read signs wrong. correct especially if you want the signs. to be a certain thing that's what's. really interesting right and dude that's. what likes that's what like [ __ ] me up. with like rejection and dating and like. that's why I'm like so like I don't hit. on women I just kind of see if they like. come to me because I'm scared because. I'm gonna go into a movie and I saw. Jackass 2.5 in high school with this. girl I thought I was vibing with we saw. in the middle of the day matinee you.

know Balling on a budget and we like. held hands during the movie afterwards I. kissed her in front of her car Pontiac. and I was I was geeked and she was. driving she could drive she had one of. those yeah wow yeah so but when I got. home I remember I was so excited I was. unloading the dishwasher. um because I was a chore my mama made me. do and then I got a text I was like hey. I always. don't want to confuse you but I always. just say it's more of a friend. and I and I think by that to this day. damn so now like that's where my.

rejection fears come from it's like you. make that move and she's like oh no like. I no I totally saw you just as like a. friend and you're like oh my bad like I. don't I think just the embarrassment. yeah [ __ ] you up. oh yeah I remember I mean when I was. really young my mother rejected me so. much that that kind of stuff really. hangs over onto a lot of relationships. right but I'm trying to think of what. actual girls. uh uh yeah some kids locked me in this. one girl into a closet and they kept.

saying like you need to kiss or whatever. right you want a girl huh yeah that's. like the straightest thing you've got oh. it was insane dude so we didn't know. what to do so that was scary they're. like what do you think you didn't know. what to do yeah like you queers better. make out or we're gonna beat the [ __ ]. out of you you know and so I did were. you paying these people to say that to. you good [ __ ] I guess and we both lived. in like the same neighborhood so we had. the same haircut dude so it was like. that was the part that was just [ __ ]. crazy because I didn't know if like. we were both like you didn't like. Scramble for a beanie or something to.

cover up her hair I just didn't know if. we were like trans by hair or whatever. like I didn't know what was going on you. know it was like just what if you made. out to turn into one person oh yeah. so that was a lot dude I remember that. and just the fear of having to make out. while people are banging on the door and. threatening to [ __ ] you up if you don't. kiss that's crazy what'd you guys end up. doing kissing I think I don't even. remember I don't know I just remember. being so [ __ ] just scared you know. yeah and then um but yeah as I got older. yeah I think just you know I never got.

to be like my buddy would always be the. one who was inviting the girl to the. dance and he always had the girlfriend I. always had to go with like the friend of. the yeah I was always like the wingman. by uh by accident yeah it'd be like my. friend would start talking to a hot girl. and then it's like the two plus ones at. a wedding they hit it off it's like the. guy and the girl both know the people. getting married and then there's just. two random people that are like I'm dead. I used to bang his dad I don't know. there's no correlation yeah I'll never. forget I asked the girl I just posted on. my Instagram the dad asked a girl when I. first moved to LA like one of my first. weekends out my friend's talking to hot.

chick I'm just talking to other girl and. I was like oh what do you do for work. and she goes no I was like all right. no is crazy not even n-o-p-e nope yeah. no cool. two letters ruined me that was 2017. I. still think about it I know it's no but. no is crazy bro an unexpected no will. ruin you it'll rock your world it'll. [ __ ] well I think a lot of women I. don't know if they realize like how much. is a man it is it's hard for us to. [ __ ] get up there and put the balls.

out there that's why like I command. anybody that does it whether you take an. L or not dude the other day I'm in New. York City right. and thanks to everybody that came out in. New York we had we did like a show in. the round oh in New York we were out in. Westbury New York oh wow and Glennie. balls came out oh nice. um no-nonsense Keith Peterson came out. uh so anyway it was awesome how big was. that it was like maybe 20 200 or 2400. maybe beautiful so it was cool man it. was really and it was just it was great. I would go back there in a heartbeat.

um but I do uh yeah I was always the. friend of a friend on the dating thing. and I think a lot of it was just no con. lack of confidence because when I look. uh. it almost makes me like I'll wait for. chicks to ask me out sometimes but I. know that then you end up getting you. don't end up getting sometimes options. of who you want you end up getting. options of Who Wants You Right which. isn't bad right because sometimes it may. be a better path for who Wants You might.

be get you exactly where you want to be. right but are you always then is there. some feeling of like oh I'm not asking. who I want okay does it make sense no it. does it does. um I I kind of like if. I kind of like that a little bit because. then they are at least under the. maybe Assumption of like oh this is. Theo's life I know Theo I love Theo oh. he did there's a podcast and he tours a. crazy amount like they know Baseline. level Theo but when you go on like Ryan. I'm not on there I can't get on either.

really yeah that makes me feel better. about myself. God I've been on this like 12 [ __ ]. months waiting and just dude Instagram. called Rio 2as and those damn girls I'm. like yo damn traffic dude I don't know. what the [ __ ] happening there's people. who are like valet attendants like the. Beverly Wilshire who are on there it's. insane Biden's on there I think. Life Alert and [ __ ] Raya his two. go-to apps but yeah but I'm not on there. and it's kind of good I think I think. being off the apps is probably helpful. yeah I'm not I'm not on any of them I.

just I but it's kind of nice that I. can't get on in a way yeah I just see. like. how people's body movements are without. an app it's like animalistic they're. just like right right right right right. and they're just like looking so much. for like a stimulation it's like I'd. rather something either happen in real. life or somebody kind of come to me. because then they're like hey like I see. what you do I see what you're about. and I like that right versus if you're. on an app you're starting Baseline she's. like what do you do and you're like oh. I'm like to you you're Theo Von you're. so clearly who you are you know exactly.

who the [ __ ] you are and then you tell. somebody who's disconnected in this. world and you're like oh I'm a comedian. they're like oh like like what do you do. and you're like oh my God like I like. like just imagine explaining your tour. schedule to somebody who just found out. you did stand up they'd be like wait. like there's so much to unpack so if. somebody already knows like oh you're. always doing your podcast you're always. on the road you're always filming like. they kind of understand they know what. they're signing up for maybe in a sense. and I don't want to sound pretentious or. anything but it does feel like somebody. might have done their research a little. bit yeah you know versus if you're just.

on a date and it's just generic like. yeah well if I mean if you don't you. might almost have to get on a blind date. to have somebody because these days you. can look somebody up and see some stuff. about them even though sometimes it's. better not to do it oh yeah I had a girl. tell me uh before date she went on uh. the internet typed in Trevor lost dick. size nothing popped up um. but I'll but I'll tell her it's a it's. 12 12. 12 12. [Music]. yeah 12 by 12. it is really it's a CM.

maybe cm it's a centimeters 12 oh I. don't it's a gross it's 144. yeah. it depends on how crypto is doing let's. be honest but she just she told me that. while we were on the date she's like. yeah I like to look up the guys on dates. with and I looked up like your dick size. just see if anybody like talked about it. wow nobody had. yeah I think they're left speechless. gang bro I haven't at Wayne or when. you're young and having that [ __ ]. piece on you is really it's crazy and. especially if you're so lonesome as a.

kid it becomes your only [ __ ] way to. make yourself feel good that's what I. remember a little stress ball I remember. just feeling so horrible about myself. that the only way I can make myself. because it's an explosion of feeling. good it really is a stress ball the. penis is stress ball stressed out touch. it a few times wow I'm unlimited dude I. remember getting scared I was gonna run. out how much I had in me too you know. oh and you know what's crazy you never. really do and then you hit 78 one day. and all this well unless you're the Nero. yeah what do you take for that oh I.

think he just [ __ ] Herbalife I think. you just take a nap and then [ __ ]. you know what I'm saying is there an age. you think you'll be done being horny oh. yes 65 probably anybody I think once you. can retire to me if people are real. older and they're [ __ ] to me it seems. like a lot somebody asked me recently if. my dad still [ __ ] I was like I don't. want to know yeah but some days he comes. in a little too calm and I guess all. right. were you playing the back nine or are. you playing the back what are you doing.

pops. I've been asking all that dude if he's. doing it I would never ask I would never. ask yeah I think one time I went my. stepdad I I live with this family in. high school and I went with them and uh. the dad and I did a Mardi Gras parade. and he told me that he got a little. recently and it [ __ ] blew my mind. kind of like crazy like I never think I. didn't know but it was just crazy to. hear it what else we got Zach any news. this woman says she's allergic to. running. um a lot of people are giving her [ __ ]. for this she had a reaction trying to.

catch a flight oh she got a UTI that's. all that is. the New York. the swelling has swelled I just had a. reaction you'd go back to that dude. God damn wow that was like watching porn. back in the day where like the photo. would load you know percentage-wise. because that that came in out of nowhere. at first I wanted to be like all right. you're being annoying for no reason then. I was like you can be allergic to. anything just not me God. oh there's footage of her running.

and it's funny how like people like uh. sorry to cut you off uh document. everything on Tick Tock now like like. there's like in court they're like. watching tick tocks but well here's me. documenting my rash yeah yeah it's like. [ __ ] that's a tick tock yeah okay that. isn't necessarily if you put it to music. or whatever what does she say in this. thing Zach can we see any of this. she was running on a delayed flight and. then made a tick tock about how you can. be allergic to running and this is proof. of that is because she had a reaction to. it. that's not like something I would have.

said in like 8th grade PE when they're. like all right run the mile but I'm. allergic once we got on the plane she. started breaking her into hives and this. is what happened last time when her. throat started closing she popped a few. benadryls hoping it would go away but it. didn't. [Music]. no reason. from her doubts that she's allergic to. running thankfully she was fine and it. was just a little drowsy after. what a full circle moment.

it's crazy do you think that we're. getting so soft people allergic to. running I think that is the environment. that we're headed into as a species yeah. well I do think that's something that. you could challenge a PE teacher with or. you got to run the mile I'm allergic to. the mile uh what do you mean you're. gonna question what I'm allergic to yeah. just like you're allergic to your wife. where's the last time you saw her. flaming the vegan teacher. but bro that's the problem with every. nobody here's one of the issues with. everything nobody wants to follow what. the kind of basic guidelines are for.

everything like there when I was a child. there was a template for everything it. was how you did it you stood for the. Pledge of Allegiance you didn't even. know anything maybe you knew a fireman. maybe your mom and [ __ ] you know was. trying to date a cop or something that's. a most she knew about the military but. you stood for the Pledge of Allegiance. right you like you respected your. questions you didn't question anything. and now we've gotten a place where you. question everything but is it doing us. any good really because all it is is. just watching people fight and now. nobody wants to do any jobs anymore.

because they're not respected well also. I think it's the power of the phone too. because like a PE teacher can be like. that's not real you have to run the. [ __ ] mile but then you pull a phone. out and they're like well now I could. get fired for this and they're like oh. all right it's like those videos where. people are like acting crazy like the. Karen type [ __ ] they whenever they see. the phone they either double down and go. even crazier I love when they go crazy. they're like oh hello Facebook. young ass he's on Facebook but they're. always like oh hello everyone who's.

watching but you either double down or. you back up and you're like oh I'm so so. dude I saw a guy get kicked off a flight. this is a great story this guy got. kicked off a flight I was coming back. from Hawaii and this dude he was an. older guy and uh this is first class I. say this uh you know once once a year. after all the touring I go to Hawaii. it's like my like [ __ ] chill out. place and on the flight back this guy. first thing goes do you guys have any. vegan options for breakfast like 7 A.M. she goes oh no that's all we have and it. was some scrambled egg and he gets mad.

he tosses the menu in the air and I go. this we're about to pop off you can feel. that [ __ ] a little bit of Hulk Hogan. and this could do is like 70 right. next they're playing like just kind of. like ukulele just kind of casual and the. TV screens it's like it's a preset it's. just plays it's like it's a small world. it's just playing and it goes hey can. you turn this music off right and I go. we're really bubbling we're getting to. something good and then they go we can't. turn off the music this is the most. electric thing I've ever seen he pulls. out his iPad and he puts on Stairway to.

Heaven by Led Zeppelin on full blast and. he leans over to his wife and goes. they'll never make music like they used. to and then eventually he's playing it. out loud seven minute song in it and. it's to the point where I'm like this is. a good [ __ ] song you know and then. essentially like they gave him a couple. warnings and then uh this like Simone. chick and cop outfit comes in grabs them. by the shoulder and his attitude shifts. like crazy he's like oh I'm so sorry I. didn't mean to and then he turns the. music off and they kick him off he. leaves his wife there but on the way out.

on the way out most badass thing he ever. says he goes go on without me you'll be. fine you always are I was like this is. the most I was like what the [ __ ] is. happening this is like the end of a. [ __ ] guilf porn scene but the guy got. escorted and the wife didn't say [ __ ]. the whole time she's like somebody gives. me some fentanyl stop acting out Robert. it was Randy's gonna Randy yeah it was. one of the most electric things damn bro. that's hype when somebody gets thrown. off but his his change was so quick and.

it was it was one of those moments where. everyone else on the plane started. looking at him like oh is this we're. about to be in a this a world star. moment yeah I was exciting you ever been. in a and like like a moment like that. where someone's about to start popping. off oh dude when I was last time I was. in Hawaii they had a uh somebody died at. breakfast right. uh so let me think about what happened. so we're at breakfast right because. that's where somebody died at and good. meal to die out every oh I agree.

everybody's eating right Magic Johnson. is there really it was a nice hotel. right yeah so same right one tier I take. myself to a nice hotel in Hawaii right. which is a blessing man it's like I work. super hard that's what I do so Magic. Johnson's is there dude and he's. chilling and some dude starts dying you. know and every some people know how to. help people that are dying so I I kind. of jump up and I'm like oh [ __ ] I don't. know anything I'm a comedian yeah so I.

sit back down so I'm plugging Bluetooth. ads. so other people go over there and they. put up like just partition around the. dude's table which you can hear him over. there just humping on the dude right. they take the buffet stands and put it. in front closed yeah that's kind of how. they did but then so many people got. over there they even had to move those. so you can kind of see the guy and they. finally get him back up right but then. uh he goes down again and so they're. over there and then it's like he it's a. wrap so everybody's like how long do you. wait how long do you wait till after.

somebody's like dead to eat again right. so everybody's kind of like can you get. seconds right there's nobody's like. making a move he's a waiter take his. plate like are you done here do you need. a box or do you need to be in a box what. are we doing here yeah. so it's like what do you so what did. Magic Johnson do it was crazy and I'm. like dude this guy should have done. something right first name imagine or. something yeah or like that you know. make a wish the final thing is like dude. Magic Johnson's here to send you off.

yeah that'd be kind of cool that'd be so. cool the last thing you see is like a. couple pineapples and Magic Johnson I'm. gonna assist you to heaven brother. you know and then you don't die and. you're just hanging out and he's like. I'm gonna go to my room now yeah. Kareem's an [ __ ] that's what I've. always heard that's crazy last time I. was in Hawaii uh the week I got there. somebody got their arm chopped off in a. 7-Eleven with a machete oh wow yeah. that's crazy that seems like more. Albuquerque type Vibe it really is it's. kind of like also like we get it it's a. personality thing I have to walk around. it would have in your arm I was machete.

yeah I get it but uh it was crazy yeah I. met a cool lady from I think Oklahoma. maybe and her daughter she had lost an. arm. um she was a mail truck driver and I met. her and her daughter beautiful ladies. and uh. she had something that happened the mail. truck had fallen over and uh she rolled. over it rolled over on her arm and she. didn't she. um that's crazy yeah she mailed her arm. to Heaven I guess or whatever you know. or whatever however they say it but she.

was missing an arm I don't know what. else we got man anything else we wanted. to talk about I'm trying to think. um. how's work been man so you tour you do. you notice that there's other Comics. because you kind of got your start do. you feel like in social media yeah yeah. I started with stand-up but social media. is what kind of like put me in front of. people and then I used the people who. are watching me from digital to be like. hey I also do stand up come to the show. yeah and then just kind of like you know. the first headlining show I did was in. San Diego in like 2017 and like 112.

people showed up and I was like oh okay. cool and then I quit my job and I slowly. did one-nighters and then I just kind of. started building with videos and just. and then by throwing myself in the deep. end to headline I have 45 minutes on my. set list I wrote crowd work this was. early on yeah you know how bad you got. to be at that time to be like all right. for the next five minutes uh oh cool. what's your brother's name like I wasn't. ready so I just kind of turned myself in. the deep end just. because I was like you know if I'm gonna. take this leap I gotta do it now you.

know because then I can quit my job pay. my rent by doing stand-up and a little. bit of videos and I can just double down. on myself and that was sick [ __ ] I don't. even know almost six years ago yeah but. yeah it's good I'm filming the special. and uh yeah do you know uh the Paramount. in Austin oh yeah July 14th and 15th uh. Saturday's shows are sold out uh we. added a Friday and I think that's almost. sold out but troubleworldcomedy.com but. you're doing like nine shows there right. yeah we're gonna be there I think in. like a week or so holy [ __ ] have you.

done that theater before next week yeah. it's great I've done it a few years ago. I haven't done it in a while yeah how. many shows you doing I'm so excited I. think we're doing. nine ten ten we just added another show. what the [ __ ] is that two per night or. is that just like 10 days no it's 10. days I'm going to stay in Austin oh. rolling it up yeah I'm gonna spend some. time over there and try to just see what. I like about the city nice it is I was I. was there on Sunday it's a nice city you. were I do like yeah so on after. Indianapolis oh you'll love this we.

filmed at garyvee con with garyvee did a. video there and then on Sunday there was. in Kyle Texas which is 30 minutes from. Austin they tried to break the record. for most people named Kyle in one. location ever and I made that video. about a couple years ago about like guys. named Kyle huh I was like this like. [ __ ] just it just a kid who just. loved punch and dry while drinking. Monsters just like just was a kid who. definitely was neglected by his parents. and huffed ax body spray and then so. they were doing a Kyle meet up.

and I was like dude how funny it would. be if I went to this Meetup dressed up. as my Kyle character so he did it I did. that was on Sunday yeah so that's the. video we're working on is that crazy it. was [ __ ] nuts but it's like if it was. at the Kyle fair right so there was like. families and [ __ ] there but there was. also 1700. people named Kyle registered and you. needed 2 300 to break the record they. missed it they missed the record but. dude I'll tell you what I've never seen. dude that many calls we could have. [ __ ] January 6 all over again dog we. could have taken over a [ __ ] Vape.

Shop Easy dude it was and what did they. do yeah what was their boost were there. like Kyle dude there was a drywall Booth. where you could duck duck Kyle or. whatever dude I don't even know what the. [ __ ] we were in and out of there pretty. quick. um but there was a drywall Booth where. you could pay five dollars to punch some. drywall. um it was like half families and just. half dudes named Kyle with nothing. better to do it's just crazy to see that. many people named with one name in the. same place it is because they all look. like they were cops they all look like.

bring up Kyle. looking. yeah they all kind of look like they. would uh uh you know they had puka shell. necklaces at one point oh yeah and they. they got sunburn easy type of type of. fellow you know it's not like blonde. hair but it's not brown it's kind of. that like yeah typing oh yeah there you. go so there's me right there so if you. go to Kyle Know Your Meme it's just. there's my house right there yeah oh God. yeah.

so I made this video like. maybe three or four years ago about a. guy's named Kyle and then so I just was. like this would be such a funny video. it's so stupid if we just went to the. the fair and so we got a video and like. it was very it was fun dude anytime. people see a camera and a microphone. they already get pretty like fired up. but then when Kyle see a camera they're. like this is my chance so dude they're. going wow they let me on stage and I got. to yell a bunch of [ __ ] that's sick dude.

I was like it smells like Slim Jims and. broken homes and uh then they were like. you're all right Trevor Wallace yeah it. was fun man so that video will be coming. out later this week but um were you ever. approached by like bar stool or anything. to work with them uh I've done podcasts. there but not like anything to work for. them like no yeah no no no no I never. was I don't know or have any La people. like work there I think it's a lot of. East Coast people I don't know why they. don't have an LA office also. yeah maybe LA's just [ __ ] too [ __ ].

for them dude. but they're good people over there I. know I said whatever how their their. podcast clip stuff you know I think. they're very aware of that but they're. good people everybody I've met over. there is really nice dude Caleb's. awesome uh all the KFC guys oh yeah dude. they crushed it over there I mean they. kind of like you know they've created. some neat shows they got all types of. characters that start to come out of. there I think that's real fascinating. yeah you know I'd love to have sometimes. more like characters to be involved like. in our world and podcasting and stuff.

sometimes it's hard to like facilitate. all that though you know I mean it's. literally like a reality show it's like. they just launch careers based on the. employees they work with it's really. smart because people attached to the. personalities instead of the brand it's. like oh we love Glenny balls but in. loving Glenny balls you're loving bar. stool you know yeah it's so much easier. to to get attractive personality than as. a brand so it's really smart to do that. what um. what um what else could we think about. yeah I don't know if I can even think. about anything else did I ever tell you.

the story when I first met you. you're eating is the Oxnard improv maybe. I said this in the last pocket we'll. just say anyways but the first time I. met you I I hosted for your show in. Oxnard oh thanks dude and uh this is. like 2015 2016 and you ordered a salad. it was a tuna Sashimi salad with lettuce. in your life I don't want any lettuce. and the lady's like so you want the. salad and you're like I don't want the. lettuce and then you were eating just. raw tuna with your shirt off and you. looked at me and you go it's crazy. anybody can make a baby and I was I was.

like such a fan and I was just like. didn't want to overset my boundaries and. I was like yeah man. that is crazy like I didn't I don't want. to like it is crazy man when you think. that anybody could [ __ ] just eat. probably late into somebody else and. [ __ ] get a kid out of them but that's. all that was going through your mind it. was just such a funny just sitting there. eating makes me [ __ ] hard boy it does. thinking about that thank you man yeah. thanks for even checking in while I was. eating dude I mean I was just sitting. there that was fun we've done a lot of.

fun shows together we did [ __ ] Red. Banks together and uh yeah dude that was. crazy bro I was losing my mind that. weekend remember really oh well you I. think your flight got in like 30 minutes. before the show but I was like losing my. [ __ ] mind that was crazy it was cold. it was during bizarre it was bizarre. times yeah it was Red Bank people were. wasted oh yeah because it was outside. it's like the first event let alone like. a big name like you was there dog. [ __ ] yeah I saw one guy just throw a. chair at another chair I was like what. are you trying to [ __ ] make less. chairs it was [ __ ] awesome dude that.

was a fun weekend die I got to open your. will turn show that that was uh yeah. dude that was great man it was like the. biggest theater that was awesome people. were stoked really at the time yeah I. ended up doing one over the summer that. was outside it was like some stupid like. 5 000 thing that was Unreal I wasn't. headlining wait did you do uh Canada. yeah the Outside Lands it was me am I. going there oh and Tom's girl so we we. essentially like open Loosely open for. Tom Segura but it was supposed to be P. Davidson and canceled and then Tom. filled in and they're like all right you. guys are still on the show so you're.

doing it outside. let me know how you think it is. damn it's I texted Bobby Bobby did it. too I talked to Bobby Bobby said he. liked it it's it's fun it's just. different it takes a second to get used. to it but like that like big pop is. still there. but it's it's not like as magnetic you. know like electric damn the labs it's. like you know when you watch people vape. and it just dissipates in the air yeah. in a comedy club it gets a little smoky.

in there yes yeah let's go up to the. yeah the people are like huh it's not. like you bomb but it's just like people. like huh it's just weird watching. somebody eat funnel cake while you. follow your dreams oh yeah but the. lashes drift up but dude I will say. Edmonton is very like ye like conscious. [ __ ] you'll Crush dude people might even. get closer to the stage if you were like. [ __ ] come here and get a lick of. daddy people would swarm up front [ __ ]. yeah boy like [ __ ] your table come sit. up front [ __ ].

and is it big like can you see everybody. no dude like I honestly like I like it. blew my mind that that was there many. that was their mint I can't talk that. many people were just there like it blew. my mind like 5 000 people just watching. you and you're like just talking it's. crazy damn but yeah I'm excited about it. I think uh yeah it's the only outside. show that I have I think right now also. I was in headlining Tom was so Tom by.

the time he got on was a little darker. so we were up there broad daylight but. oh yeah broad daylight dude crazy I mean. there's people there's a lady like. burping a baby in the front room yeah I. like that better breastfeed yeah. God I [ __ ] love so if something's on. a tit near me I'm [ __ ] happy really. oh yeah RCP one I'm next oh how do I. jumped the line oh I want to see I just. want to smell gasoline and [ __ ] watch. something [ __ ] breastfeed boy you.

ever had breast milk uh I haven't had a. lot. but you have I probably had a little I. would say you know how can you even not. get something with all the cat with. everything these days there's probably. everything okay everything's cut with. that something dude yeah you can't even. get a pure line of cocaine without being. like. a little bit of [ __ ] lactate. a little bit of breast milk in it. um dude thanks for hanging out today man. dude thanks for having me I uh yeah you. can check out six socks podcasts. back over there sometime and check in.

with you guys please do man it's always. fun man people love seeing our chemistry. together yeah same man it's been a blast. over the years man you're so excited to. watch and. um I'm glad that you and I are Buds and. that we have like. you know the ability I can connect it if. I have a question you know and I ask you. always there for me so I appreciate you. yeah dude by any means you called me. recently you're like do people still use. the word Riz and I was like yeah you. could and I looked at the comments on. that video people were like they were. like quoting it like laughing oh good. yeah I'm glad to be your like Millennial. little [ __ ] to the internet yeah I gotta.

have that plug-in exactly exactly thank. you bro you're great man thanks for. having me and I mean that about your. audience when I said earlier the best. people yeah man I don't know how we did. it I don't know how we got a part of it. just yeah there's a lot of special. people I think uh you know what you put. out their tracks you know real attracts. real and that's the [ __ ] worst thing. I've ever said in my life but it makes. sense you know we're trying to stay yeah. it's just it's been interesting man but. it is crazy bro I can't even believe. that this many people come out to shows. and you know so I think you're only. getting bigger I think I think I think. uh your name is just like I know like.

that you're big when like like people. who have never even seen stand up. anymore like they're just so. disconnected you know like people who. are just so hot that when they don't. look you in the eyes it makes sense uh. and then the one time make eye contact. they're like do you know Theo Bond. you're like yeah this [ __ ] is on. this dude is on. so congrats on that you're gonna do 10. shows at the Paramount Paramount that's. crazy yeah it's excited it's like 13 000. people so it's gonna be crazy well. thanks Trevor I appreciate it man and. thanks for spending time dude uh Trevor.

Wallace will share all of his socials. and everything. Amen brother best of luck I'll see you. out there I'll see you on the date naps. hell yeah yeah trying to date each other. all right. [Music]. [Music]. I can feel. it in my bones.

it's gonna take.