State Wars March Madness with Bryan Callen | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #183

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chu away and now let's get into our. episode today's guest is a man that has. inspired me in my line of work since he. got here or since i got here. since i met him that's when and he is. the popular host of one of my favorite. podcast called the fighter and the kid. one of the first podcast i was ever a. guest on and he's always been supportive. he's absolutely hilarious he has a new. special out right now called complicated.

apes which he says is his best work but. more importantly than all of that in a. time when states are really starting to. take back their stronghold. from unified America we decided to have. a March Madness where every state is up. against every other state in an all-out. war we've built the brackets on the back. of our producer Nick Davis we got little. Gianni in here to freaking giggle in the.

distance we put together a March Madness. this past weekend state Wars bracket and. who better to help us break down the. games and advance that the states. forward then the just really one of the. smartest guys I know but I don't know. that many people mr. Brian Talent do you.

think there's gonna come a time where. there's that cutoff line and I was just. talking to Joe about this the other. night where there's a cutoff line where. there's people that can live forever and. there's people that can yeah and there's. gonna be well cuz money money will be. the delineating fact oh wow when you can. download when you can get a chip and you. can download certain things in your. brain you'll buy the software to learn.

how to fly a helicopter or to get to get. your black belt in jujitsu yeah that's a. fact and the more money you have the. more skills you'll have but then the. question becomes to what end. it I wonder how fun it is when you have. that skill base and you can speak a. language fluently whatever that language. might be right but but you didn't work. for it yeah he didn't work for it but. you have that understanding I'm not sure. I'm not so sure I wonder what kind of. benefit you get from that like do you do.

you glean the same kind of satisfaction. because it takes a long time to be good. at something yeah do you have any like. we had an understanding you develop. understanding from from practice yeah. you get you develop understanding from. spending a long time at something you. understand like you know what I mean. well that's because you're young my son. that comes into my lap yeah oh yeah. that's that class action laps who have. gotten a couple of emails about it.

exactly right um but no that said yes. like if everything just becomes it's. almost like a universal basic income. idea it's like if everybody has it is. there any value are you gonna care. you're just gonna put the Spanish chip. in when you get [ __ ] up to be at a. party I'm Spanish yeah well you have the. jackal Willick buck here and so why do. you like chocolate look you go well the. guy was he's a black belt in jujitsu. sometimes he taps Dean Lister so he's. really good at that he worked really. hard at that the art and and intricate.

system of jujitsu oh yeah and got. downloaded enough of the the moves and. stuff to be able to kind of cut you off. before you make your move whatever he's. strategic that way we also know he's a. tank he's 240 pounds he's the San Diego. double dragon the double dragon I like. that and you can't double leg him. because his legs are tree trunks but. then also he was a seal they found out. how older and in one of his legs the. other day I believe it yes I would out. it was endangered spotted yeah man so so. you you respect the guy like that cuz.

he's got scars because he's gone through. some [ __ ] his skin's a little thicker oh. yeah you know what I mean so you go. yeah his ears look broken up and that's. attractive for a human being who's been. through the fire a baptism of fire you. find yourself drawn to that yeah because. they have wisdom you don't know why. that's why you got into it for advice. but not the 21 year old who's nothing. yes it's been easy for yes I'm [ __ ] a. little stem cell junkie yeah some guy. just [ __ ] hanging out on his own.

blood yeah beautify were 21 I'd be up. all night your can off in a moan mouth. these days honestly and not a message. anyway you know what mouth my own well. you can get I think you can trace you. know think about that you'll get what. you can get blood transfusions from. young people they do that right see. that's what I think it's gonna be that's. gonna be that line I think they young. like you're saying it's gonna be money I. think it's gonna be farming the young. there yeah well I think that that the. one thing man has always wanted what's. the one thing man's always wanted what's.

the one thing man loves this is from. Socrates horse it is good clothes plus I. like that and we do like horses but we. use them as tools yeah what is the one. man universally everywhere wants women. no what do you think it is contentment. no it's to live forever it's in. mortality yes why we love our children. they push our genes forward it's why we. love our work because we leave a legacy. behind man does whatever he can to leave. a mark that's why being significant.

especially for males being significant. is so [ __ ] important and whenever you. compare yourself like you get depressed. and you go I don't know I feel like a we. work harder because you don't feel like. you're significant you're not doing. anything that makes you feel like an you. leave in a mark that sometimes I don't. know if that's true but sometimes that. could be the case you want to lose a. good book I've read that but um there's. all that [ __ ] that that kind of um that. comes into it so immortality we've. always wanted to live forever so now. with new longevity drugs and technology.

holy [ __ ] it's on the road yeah that's. what it is but then what you know what I. like about living forever if you told me. at 50 I was gonna have the same energy. as a 21 20 year old which I do yeah. which I [ __ ] do oh your Fitbit did it. the other day just [ __ ] blew right. off your shoe off my wrist bro you saw. that right yeah I don't run a sprint. yeah all right and a lot of times I run. with sand yeah two buckets of sand and a. bamboo pole over my [ __ ] back and I.

run hills you [ __ ] somebody said you. had four shoulder blades is that true no. it's not true it just looks that way cuz. I got I got muscle on top a muscle I'm. the first comedian to develop muscle on. top you understand that's why the doctor. goes I got nothing to say oh yeah who. wrote on my chart immortal I don't know. if that's good yeah that's good but he. looked at my blood panel and goes well. guess you're never gonna die oh you're. that hemoglobin bad boy that's what it. is that's why you could sell my plasma.

on the black market for as much as rhino. horn goes for you know what I'm saying. Jesus Christ man people getting into. that hell yeah I could cut a diamond. with my deck right now damn there and we. can do that yeah I stretch up and I know. whatever baby this is [ __ ]. okay we. have you here today Brian obviously. thank you so much for always having me. on fighter in the kid and for you guys.

always original so we were talking about. me and Brogan we're talking about you. yesterday that's nice we were talking. about how great you are as a comic you. we were talking about you and who the. [ __ ] else were we talking about. about being truly unique voices that was. me that was your older peers that was. two fifty two year olds talking about. you young man so bow the [ __ ] down and. you're welcome thank you on Rogen thank. you giving you now serious props I don't. even know it so I don't want to see you. beat yourself up all right back to.

you'll do that myself up back to you. thank you we need somebody who's. educated bro and we looked across the. field of comedians and tough to find. there was just you really it's a. wasteland. you know me I'm tough Davidoff. everything else to [ __ ] waste yeah. and of David all who we can't you know. got to know a special mating call to. even get him a show well yes sir he's. he's hiding he's doing he's doing real. estate deals he's a he's a real estate. mogul he can give a [ __ ] about. everything oh yeah and on the 30th floor.

of his dreams right yes and you and I. are down here [ __ ] around but we need. somebody who's educated it's March. Madness so we and I firmly believe we're. headed back towards state governments. you know cuz states are so different. yeah that in in five years ten years we. could see states. you know just build on their own kind of. walls or just delineating their own. things that fit for their people so we. want a March Madness if these states. went at it who would win and we want to. get to the Final Four we're gonna go. through at least the first out around.

today okay and and let's start Nick is. gonna be our referee and that was the. selection committee as well that's why. some of these states got buys but yeah. okay okay what were the vibe a ston. population the fur we split up the. region's into West Midwest south and. east and in each region the top for. roughly populations got to buy sometimes. it was a little different so we kept. some matchups we had to see in the first. round like North Dakota South Dakota the. North North Carolina South Carolina we.

really want to see those if we would. have so there was some some liberties. taken by the select. committee but here we are okay finally. okay cool so let's start with that. person's own doubt oh dude I was looking. at that poster but I love that that. painting that road to the strap goes. through the rat yeah man you got [ __ ]. you guys made the belt man I like that. man that's only for consent wrap up word. up the river broke after that he put his.

gum under the table he put all of his. ideas into a piece of gum and just as. well he should if you need Rappaport. he's in the back of my sock all right. okay so where we start Nick let's raw. let's start in the upper left here the. Midwest number 5. Wisconsin verse number 12 Minnesota okay. in a war yes okay here's the thing. yep I'm going with Minnesota couple. reasons they're both basically the same. people. the difference is Wisconsin's got a lot.

of Irish and a lot of other things a lot. of whiskey going on a lot of cheese and. a lot of junk food so they're not moving. as quickly yep Minnesota's landing of. the Giants if you know anything about. the history of Minnesota the people from. Scandinavia especially Norwegians a lot. of Swedes settled up there now they they. take to wheat and they take to milk and. they take to farm and write good yep and. they they're not afraid of those cold. winter sort of Minnesota winters on top. of the fact that they're super organized. why cuz they're an agrarian people yeah.

and you're not ready for the winter and. you don't have a sense of time and. organization if you don't understand how. to [ __ ] and follow rules which means. march in lockstep lock and load when. you're told to and let loose when you're. told to if though if the cold does not. bother them and they've got big. Scandinavian hands that can hold swords. and guns and clubs and whatever else. they need yeah and they can carry a lot. of provisions yep cereal that's correct. sweet and they and they do well on. cereal there's no gluten intolerance up.

there no they live on meat and wheat and. potatoes Minnesotans [ __ ] oh and by the. way gays to you you wanted a lot of game. in there and women it'll survive a. winter we're not talking about these. summer no no no there's no dancing there. no no no movement in the hip it's a no. Billy Elliot boy this is Willie this is. William Illya they walk from the from. the shoulders they walk. bears now here's the other thing you. don't know about Minnesota all right. Wisconsin those winters are brutal. Minnesota has has some food that grows. out there in the water you know what.

that is I know what it is rice goddamn. right Wow so wild rice and now you. starvin but don't worry about that cuz. you go and you go and rake that those. ponds and now you got a bucket full of. rice you can swim with your mouth open. rice is a correct sir you can swim with. your mouth open. rice is a fantastic carbohydrate keeps. you going in battle Minnesota all day. against Wisconsin in a war wisconsin has. police they have a lot of policemen. they're my dad's from Wisconsin is.

equally a policeman wanna race in. Milwaukee so I got respect right but my. dad's a tough guy but he's got too much. Irish got German and Irish but mostly. Irish too slow moves it moves like. Frankenstein built like Frankenstein -. yeah he doesn't have that Norwegian you. know my reasons tend to be more VD out. yes in easy bone structures oh they can. sleep with their eyes open a lot of. these people let's go to what we had a. video submission for someone who has an. insight good what up Theo so I think. Wisconsin would definitely win in a war. just because we've got a ton of serial.

killers man we've got we had at least. Jeffrey Dahmer we have Steven Avery we. got that smiley face killer indeed we. also have Badgers you put a badger on a. leash you send that thing after someone. you're screwed man Minnesota's badgers -. [ __ ] - yeah I think Wisconsin. definitely win max laughing hey man. those are good points there are good. points. serial killers aren't you can't control. them and they end up killing their own. troops. here's the probables they wake up at. night and they see all their all their. buddies sleeping yeah all they see is.

throats waiting to be slit oh yeah and I. can't help but so the next thing you. know Jeffrey Dahmer's eaten everybody. and cut everybody's throat yeah he kind. of is throat and you catch from drinking. everybody's blood you like dude you just. killed your entire [ __ ] platoon he's. like sorry I couldn't help ya didn't do. it like god damnit shoot him right now. yeah and by that time my Minnesotans. have moved in yep Wisconsin you have Ron. Dayne and Nick Davis's from there what. do you have Nick that guy mentioned the. smiley face killer yeah that's just a. weird conspiracy because in my hometown. all across Wisconsin over the past 10 to.

15 years 10 to 15. drunk college guys have just wandered. into the river and ended up drowning and. now there's like documentaries on Annie. is it uh is it a killer dragging but. it's all [ __ ] it's it's you're from. La Crosse Wisconsin. yes sir is that where La Crosse was. invented because it was a Native. American invention. it was definitely yeah it was Native. American land and it's actually a place. where three rivers meet so a tornado. will never touch down a triumvirate Wow. nope you call it lacrosse mm-hmm that.

means the cross mm-hmm huh lacrosse. Lacroix la Lacroix of course I think. means in French the cross and I speak. French. okay keep going okay I you know what I. think if I had any thoughts on that I. think you even just said it people are. drunk wandering in the rivers when this. must be learning yeah that's a huge. juxtaposition right there bro you're. here to learn and you [ __ ] can't even. learn a set of a river when you've been. drinking bro I'm killing drunk people. see who wins in a War Between the States. everybody chimed in 52% Wow it was.

neck-and-neck there Minnesota I think. gets the nod guys sorry Nick all right I. did I did live in Minnesota for eight. years and went to university Minnesota. so oh there you go oh god we got. Kentucky Missouri next we're actually. we're gonna move to announce thoughts on. that okay yeah let's do it do it well I. mean Missouri Missouri is all good but. see Missouri is basically it's kind of. like a state you forget about all due.

respect yeah unless you like Mark Twain. it's kind of a state when you think of. Missouri you think about wide-open. fields. you don't think about a lot of people. you think about people spaced out st. Louis do where they shot that kid. terrible town might be the worst town in. the world actually pretty true. yeah and bad yeah and and and there is. there's a lot of racial division there. oh you're not gonna get you're not gonna. get black people to be like hey come. fight our war they're gonna be like I. got my own war to deal with no I don't. want to support you you haven't been. supporting me so kiss my ass you know. that got off nine people by this.

Hardee's over here already yeah man. they've been in a war so [ __ ] and easy. so Missouri's just not organized now. here's the thing about Kentucky oh yeah. now Kentucky's where the Hatfields and. McCoys come from don't forget that. Kentucky is where it was settled by the. by that by the Highlanders of northern. Oh bye-bye shepherds which comes from an. honor culture you solve your problems. with violence. Kentucky was basically in a low-grade. Civil War I mean the Hatfields and.

McCoys came from Kentucky yeah you had a. good chance of getting killed in. Kentucky if you came from somewhere else. if you weren't polite god help you if. you got it on with another man's woman. oh my god because you solved your. problems with a knife for a gun and that. goes back to the beginning of our. country in Kentucky beginning of time in. those [ __ ] hills and the hills of. Kentucky you want it you want to you. want to get yourself a big old army yeah. everybody has guns yeah they can't.

[ __ ] wait and all they need is a. common enemy to get together yeah cuz. when you're from Kentucky everybody else. is from somewhere else yeah you know. what they say Kentucky can [ __ ] you up. that's what they say now keep in mind. they are they always have some whiskey. in their body and a good point man you. know from the south. yeah but Missouri Missouri they're a. little more god-fearing you see Kentucky. God doesn't touch down he does they'll. go to charity Anders they'll go to. church but it's a little bit like taking. a stone and dropping it in the well yeah.

you can keep that stone and the well for. as long as you want when you break that. stone open water is only on the outside. amen you understand yeah yeah I. understand yeah God doesn't much. permeate into the hillbillies yeah into. the bill Hillbillies Hart. yeah the lonner honor territory honorary. honor and loyalty yeah loyalty to your. family in your clan oh so do not [ __ ]. with people in Kentucky because they. will fight you right now and by the way. they have at least 25 kids it's it I. mean every kid short kids they put them.

on each other and just give them a long. gun for this yeah man so you're fighting. entire families bro and you know you. fight for your family yeah so Missouri. doesn't have a [ __ ] chance. in fact Kentucky goes to war with. Missouri and Missouri becomes Kentucky. Missouri just disappeared that's it so. it's a hundred to zero in my book I'm. gonna say again I was in East st. Louis. and there was a Ramada and while I was. there it got taken over by I don't even. what it was tokens I mean it could have. been anything ah if you hear a lot of.

that the way I don't know in the morning. suddenly there was just a bunch of. people working at the front desk they. didn't even work there he's [ __ ] very. dead that's home of the hillbilly home. of the hillbilly I would have to say. Kentucky to on that one man and then the. WoW the listeners agree 72% won Kentucky. but Missouri is that river access man. well that's you so with river access you. can ship mercenaries in but mercenaries. are never loyal Kentucky just turn. around and go hey guys don't have much. money but I got all the whiskey all the.

moonshine you need that's true those. mercenaries are like [ __ ] this I want to. drink and [ __ ] we got hot women we got. hard horses dude you want to watch them. [ __ ] it's two bucks there you go you. know here you go man what am watch them. fight it's for mm-hmm that's right girls. we'll take it for the team too Oh a lot. of tall women there too listen I've had. I've had some good times in Kentucky. yeah I know that they got the best. bourbon in the world mm-hmm and I've had. some I've had some good times in. Kentucky damn damn oh you seem like now. watch how my voice goes now now listen.

up I've had some good times you ask me. how Wow how good a time ask me ask me. what I did would you do in Kentucky. buddy stay busy stay busy well you been. eating gravel oh yeah little bit hey I. got a special place in my heart for. Kentucky I can hear ya sometimes I. caught ya cuz I'm a [ __ ] crazy fool oh. yeah you understand oh what's that in. those heels oh that's yeah yeah Kentucky.

I secretly say that in my among my. friends yeah I know nobody's listening. right now so I can say this to you oh. this is safe as we knew me I'd say. that's it. Kentucky Kentucky yeah he's gonna uh. he's gonna hunt their way right into. this guy god-fearing girls only on. Sunday though oh yeah many on in church. oh they got that chick-fil-a plus it's. correct you know and it's correct. Kentucky if things only open six days a. week. you know mmm better shut it down and put. pickles on it yeah damn but I don't have.

any teeth don't you worry about that. yeah daddy didn't give a [ __ ] about. teeth. yeah that's gay I'm kidding I've seen. some beautiful woman. and the men not feel like coming a. little bit the women are really the. prize over there women are the women can. fight in Kentucky oh yeah and the men. can too and they will the men sniff the. air is not talking yeah the men in. Kentucky will go yeah there you're. raised to to go you understand well. that's the instinct bill oh yeah now let. me see it let me tell you what a man in. Kentucky does yeah when you come at him.

mm-hmm you meet you halfway. oh Jesus understand yeah you don't need. to go all the way there he's all easy. I'm meet halfway. Jesus all right and it's just out of. it's out of kindness your place I've. ever had a guy try to fight me for no. reason. Wow yeah and by the way I was ready I. was in a threesome one time in Indiana. really yeah how was that uh it wasn't. that great one girl pretty cool her. friend not cool not very attractive you.

know not that that matters but it also. matters and she look kind of looked like. remember back in like vaudeville the. vaudeville weightlifters like those. people are where the one-strap and the. thing in a set of thousand per kilograms. on it you know she looked like that like. that old-school body you know. well my she was on the side of the bed. doing [ __ ] like I don't know what she. was doing burpies or something while me. and the one girl where I'm in sex and. they didn't even really know each other. that good yeah they were also trying to. get to know each other it was [ __ ]. awkward friend had a scale and I one of.

those cool scales where you can measure. somebody's height hmm he brought a girl. home he's a big guy played football and. she was thick oh yeah thick thick and I. respect a man who's not afraid if. someone was thick he put her on that. scale and he called me up next day and. he said she came in at 5-3 184 and she. looked up at me and I looked at her and. I said those numbers are not good I'm. still attracted Wow. so I appreciate that he went back in.

four seconds I'm appreciate that in a. man. oh yeah sorry anyway that's that golden. so now we now we got Oregon Idaho in. Montana. that's like when your van breaks down. outside of a Golden Corral you got to. eat there a couple times you know mmm or. are there any other first round matchups. that you really have a strong. inclination on uh you talking about Oh. Iowa Nebraska. let's go there well now now now listen. man this is a tough one. very got good wrestlers you got good. wrestlers and tough farm boys out of.

both places. oh damn do you ever you might have to go. I'll tell you how you make this decision. Iowa Nebraska very simple now I went to. wrestling camp in Iowa oh man Gables. camp oh yeah Dave Gable was a champ. hardest thing I've ever done in my life. all right realize that if that was what. d1 wrestling was I didn't have it you. were d8 and I didn't want to I was da. brother yeah I'm an actor yeah I was. crazy did I go back to my high school. and crush it crush everybody my senior. year did I lose only once yeah I think. that's I think that's probably true yes.

I think I lost only once but a black guy. over the high school wrestler this is. not about me. no he was a he was a white now-now-now. um no but Iowa I always got some crazy. tough people in Nebraska and Iowa I need. to see this is how you make this. decision I need to see who has the. bigger population Wow and whoever has. the bigger population is who you go with. in a war but I want to also know with. the land elevation of both can we look. into both of those now I like your I.

like that you know why because when you. got higher level elevation you got. better wind yeah so I'm enjoying that so. so Iowa has way more people you go with. Iowa 100% they got over a million more. people Wow. so of course it's Iowa sorry to. interrupt this state fight but I have to. ask is there something that interferes. with your happiness or that is. preventing you from achieving your goals. if so better help online counseling is.

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all is truly affordable and this past. weekend listeners get 10% off your first. month with discount code Theo von no. spaces th e o vo in that's right get. started if you need help go to better. help calm slash Theo von now if you have. a therapist and that's working for you. then stick with that and if you don't. need help. and you're doing great then that's. awesome help others but if you do need. help I just wanted you to know that. better help is an option simply fill out.

a questionnaire to help them assess your. needs and get matched up with a. counselor you'll love that's better help. calm slash Theo von and now back to the. Anarchy population alone yeah you gotta. go you gotta go Iowa if we go population. for all the matchups it's gonna be a. quick quick March Madness so right but. it's not even that might have been a bad. yeah and so I'm only using population in. this instance because they're so similar. they're so similar I don't give a [ __ ]. how much how many people misery could. have all the people Kentucky still. kicking their ass well here's the thing.

if yeah if you were in Iowa they got the. same stuff Nebraska's got you know. except people in Iowa say they're in. Iowa and people in Nebraska say they're. in Nebraska mm-hmm that's the only. differences what happened there Oh Iowa. 41 Nebraska Wow 59 we have the. Cornhuskers you have the hawk I see more. Hawks in Iowa yeah she can have more. things you know that arable teams more. winnings oh I don't know you got BJ. Armstrong came out of Iowa yeah you got. some tough kids from Iowa boy but. Nebraska dude it's got Braska corn-fed.

corn-fed boys core yeah of course not. good for it spikes your insulin that's. true actually she got a bunch of. diabetics over there who yeah who's got. the gout. oh do when you get [ __ ] milo and i. will you give milo when you're [ __ ]. elbows it's a. now you need he needs to go with Iowa. that that's that's wrong. yeah well Rock Iowa there all right yeah. that's because a million more people's a. lot oh [ __ ] yeah that's a lot it's a lot. yeah let's round out the first round in.

the Midwest North Dakota versus South. Dakota well one of them as the black. hills pop I think you go North Dakota. because they're colder and people from. colder climates are a little more Hardy. they are also closer to Canada though so. they're more polite yeah so they say. sorry after they punch you probably you. know there's some canady some Canada. juice rolled into the North Dakotans. oh yeah a little bit of that seeping. down a little bit yeah soft syrup that. simple syrup they call it dude we had.

regular syrup then we went up to Canada. and got a little simple around there. yeah we're the badlands. you got itself the badlands yeah or I. think they are you go north Dakota. yeah you don't get a name like that from. just [ __ ] having regular lands mother. these bad these lands have [ __ ] been. an after-school detention correct sir. bad man South Dakota Wow I'm goin I'm. goin South Dakota yeah cuz I could see. some of that you know that kindness from. Canada slipping in yeah you got South. Dakota right there the badlands Jesse. James was from there just Jackson yeah. yeah Jesse the guy that was on The.

Bachelor how small that. yeah just his mullet he was from there. if you ask Justin yes yeah they're all. from that area yeah dude that's the. misspelling [ __ ] you give a [ __ ] how. their spells a tail I'll do whatever. they got to do to [ __ ] you up. ya know fake an injury and sue I'll do. whatever they have to do yeah and one of. them's no Dakota and when I'm so Dakota. you go. so Dakota yeah so Dakota alright the. first round in the Midwest look over to. the quickly a state can fall it's.

amazing to see that it's amazing to say. and this is what it's like bro even at a. government level it's a couple of [ __ ]. moonbeams sitting around on top of Eddie. Bravo's [ __ ] darkest dreams just. pointing fingers and aside and who does. what man you're right that's all that's. right Maryland Delaware look into it. we're in the East well [ __ ] I mean is. Delaware really a stable.

I mean I know it is but I've driven. through Delaware it took me five minutes. to drive through yeah. like Delaware tailwind yeah the thing is. Delaware could be just taken over by. Maryland and you would never notice so I. don't know if I'm even I think Delaware. Delaware is more of a province of. Maryland yeah they call it a honky. Puerto Rico to Delhi with Delaware's. barely silverware Delaware it's. something really named after much I feel. like we got it we got it we got it. somebody live on the Maryland would. easily win the state we're broke we got.

Michael Phelps most athletic guy in the. world. we always die Louis he murdered someone. once and got away with that bro he'll do. it again. yep we also have the white house is in. Maryland now Trump will new every single. state that tries to [ __ ] with us we. literally cannot lose period hey your. hey hey you [ __ ] dummy hey my team's. not the most athletic person in the. world and and [ __ ] how dare you say. the white house is in Maryland you. non-american get that ISIS plant off.

that screen don't ever bring that guy up. again well this is I've never said it. haha [ __ ] do you do a video lying there. like a looking all cuddly and cozy oh. this is you and you were young we got. this out of a time capsule in high. school yeah Delaware so ideal world just. kind of hide hiding in the corner. somewhere like under a table and then. when when it goes clear they pop out.

he makes a point that couples wash wits. where's the captain said that why is his. right hand all curled up on his chest. like a little polio man if they got. polio in Delaware dude he's holding the. hankie or his little silk piece of silk. cloth his mom gave him probably the guy. was only this big. he's about that big yeah he's got a. little blankie a little baby Marilyn you. have Baltimore the opioid epidemic if. the it's the wrong ones Baltimore alone. like a walking zombie and they got guns. to enforce the law dude do it.

you got lobstering guns Baltimore alone. you get those gangsters in Baltimore and. they'll take over Delaware they will. annex Delaware but you get a couple. sisters hopped up on some [ __ ] lump. crab and give him a [ __ ] grenade. bishop so no chips and nails oh yeah so. I think that's an easy one for me man. Delaware good luck um but also. silverware Delaware your product. hardware you're not even I agree bro. they barely got you in correct but god. bless you guys. Connecticut and Rhode Island um.

Connecticut as Hills Maine Connecticut. is basically Britain it's like a Little. Britain yeah here's the thing about. Rhode Island people don't realize. Providence Rhode Island's the last. gangster town province Rylan is so mafia. heavy and so so heavily run by the Mafia. Rhode Island can get any kind of. weaponry they want yeah now Connecticut. may have a couple pistolas Rhode Island. Trevor Shea's they've a trebuchet so. they got a trebuchet yeah which is a. fancy word for catapult thank you for.

the for the French you bet. do you like it trebuchet cuz you Cajun. I got a little bit man we had this. little trepidation you put it in front. and just shoot a little bit a dessert in. your mouth. correct they got trebuchet see they can. get grenade launchers they put a bomb in. your car also they kill the entire so. Connecticut has their generals in their. upper brass Rhode Island just puts a hit. on all them they blow them all up on. their cars so Rhode Island is mafia. Providence alone you're not getting into. Providence because they run it from.

Providence the Mafia you're fighting the. Mafia they fight dirty they already got. inroads they already got your house. bugged they already got your [ __ ] car. your stove all they have a lot of stone. walls about everything they know. everything about you before anything. they they you're done you're done you. got water access what about Hartford. though Hartford ad doesn't matter hard. for just a bigger the Harford's about. insurance. yeah it's insured kinetics is gonna need. insurance after Rhode Island's done with. it I go with Rhode Island all [ __ ]. day Connecticut's one big forest anyway.

I used to live there yeah I saw deer and. forests and ticks is it yeah Oh God. yeah I saw a guy get bit by a dog and. [ __ ] Providence dude and uh and yeah. it seemed dangerous dude not a lot of. street lights I would go dogs everywhere. no stray dogs pax astray crazy dogs dude. and there's a dark dog underworld over. there to do babies never my yeah oh yeah. I'll go with Providence bad boy Rhode. Island I'm good there there you go sweet.

West Virginia Vermont not even a. question. Yanis West Virginia just been rednecks. will take Vermont Vermont is the home of. Bernie Sanders bidding varies though. exactly we Ben and Jerry's weed and. they're socialists driving a Volkswagen. listening to the Grateful Dead pumpkin. pie the whole [ __ ] nine yeah they are. too high and too liberal to do anything. I could go in and take over Vermont. alone I could beat up that whole [ __ ]. thing I need a small club and I don't.

know a piece of meat because they'd run. from I would love that movie Bryan. Callen versus Vermont you gotta beat. them all up I'll beat that whole state. up well [ __ ] that place I like Vermont. but [ __ ] it it was well it's too liberal. for me and [ __ ] Bernie Sanders there I. said it. [ __ ] socialist he went to the Soviet. Union on his honeymoon did he die yes. [ __ ] that guy okay that guy's not an. American he's a communist so kiss my ass. he's a closet communist and so are all.

Vermont ins all right why the way I've. been skiing at all I lived I went to. high school up there I know Vermont very. well my sister went to Burlington my. first love was from Burlington from Lake. Champlain the whole [ __ ] nine yards I. know all about UVM that liberal besides. race. holy [ __ ] are they liberal too liberal. too progressive. go [ __ ] yourself not a gun to be found. that whole state yeah I know there are. people out there that are you know. they're there they're farmers out there. even the farmers to hate each other. they're like hey hey.

that's how the time asked me a question. that ends in yes where I gotta say yes. oh man do you have a lot of different. senior diseases hang out so it takes. that long to say yes all their [ __ ] are. you locked and loaded hey by the time. you're dead and so that West Virginia. those [ __ ] those rednecks in West. Virginia they they come into Vermont and. they you're done you're [ __ ] done yeah. everybody has a gun in West Virginia.

they shoot at planes oh yeah they had. this somebody yeah there you go 74. percent Wow. over twenty six percent [ __ ]. humanity is spoken dude me West Virginia. West Virginia and Vermont and everybody. doesn't smell it a little it doesn't go. my god you get sight you got a citation. for polluting the air yeah that's crazy. man my god the People's Republic of. Vermont you're out of your mind the. Catamounts [ __ ] man they had that good. coach and they [ __ ] let him go they.

got statues to Lenin yeah if they want. to bring back the Soviet Union little. new Leningrad. well that well yeah flat Amir Lenin who. was essentially the fellow. [ __ ] that debt left shrimp maybe bro but. nobody else rose as far [ __ ] four and. as I go who's next buddy. New Hampshire verse Maine to close out. the East now Maine I'm gonna start out. with Maine bro you got first of all you. got a lot of celebrity money living off. the coast I'm there Kirstie Alley has a.

summer there John Travolta sneaks up. there with young men from the mainland. you got a lot of you got Goonies out. there well [ __ ] you got whaling you. got Willis with you oh that's where the. Whalers Oh Whalers the people you whale. they come from Maine that's a Harley. stock they got the Black Bears of main. main main all day 60 different berries. that will [ __ ] kill and they got the. coast rather they got they got they got. that's the scene where they have Rock.

beaches there's pictures of people. laying on [ __ ] sharp beaches in the. summit Maine all day they got access to. the sea everybody. a navy yeah and they can shoot over. their own state and into Maine with. those hella what does [ __ ] submarines. they got dude and first of all how do. you even get to Maine. you know harder it's gonna be to get. there to fight them yeah you can't do it. New Hampshire though bro what where yeah. six people of New Hampshire people I. used to go to again I spent my summers.

in New Hampshire. yes how'd you were everywhere I was I. was in I went to summer camp up in Lake. Winnipesaukee oh it sounds like that. that probably something you could drink. out of it again another progressive. state another state that's so clean is. ridiculous but you're clean as Lakes. Allah I grew up next to that. tuberculosis sipper did you funk the. river baby that's what I'm talking about. by the way the people agree 64% oh yeah. when you grew up you can you jump in. that water you can have cash chlamydia. oh do my buddy jumped in bro he got out. he was four years older I believed it.

for years [ __ ] old STD and you got. eye infections for the rest of your life. oh yeah how's your eye better right it's. okay dude but can you get pinkeye from. your own butt or not probably mm-hmm. we'll look it up after this. you can't be making around here in your. button I wasn't right I wasn't now so. that does it for the East region first. round some interesting matchups in a. second and a little Gianni over here. who's a [ __ ] and he's gonna be in a. movie with Olivia smart coming along. actually is that right yeah you an actor. yes sorry the black Olivia smart yeah.

are you in are you in my special. complicated Apes that's now everywhere. you can rent or buy oh yeah oh good it's. Johnny and complicated apes number one I. number one album on iTunes right I love. the fact that we call him Johnny - now. that's [ __ ] good but that you know. they spell ovaries from Ranji ia in in. hi Oh Johnny you're Italian you're from. Rhode Island yeah there you go. so you know you know about Providence. rich but I look at the stem cells and. that little mother [ __ ] kid with a.

full mouth just to feel better right I'm. right oh you're a wrestling everything I. do boxing you do boxing yeah I played I. played hockey growing up a lot like for. probably eighteen forty bucks I box and. burn and Brian Wood would tell you you. don't do any scoring a little bit not. much cuz I'm a nice with Brentwood. Schaub over there he goes in the morning. come over the glove works gets. Papa Papa counting your patterns are. about see if you fall for certain things.

I'm not gonna beat I'm not gonna I'm not. I'm gonna mark you up a little bit I'm. not gonna hurt you but I'm let you know. I'll let you know that's all Judy's. favorite patterns Burberry bro this guy. is no [ __ ] dude first of all when. you're skating on [ __ ] water when. there's people who have no water correct. you put on some numbers bro I have my. ways no I'm talking about you putting up. some novices this him let me see how he. punches you put on nervous all right. Tommy go get that [ __ ] aids got some. speed but I'm I'm not liking where your.

hand is when you're throwing I'm I see. too much of an opening yeah but come. right at you there oh my cast head all. right good you Catholic athletic weights. on your on your front foot a little bit. too much that's I like the way you're. leaning forward there but that's all. right. yeah Dustin Poirier would beat your ass. though he might he might but the kids. athletic yeah he's good made he got a. strong upper body so if he ends up in a. wheelchair he's not a [ __ ] he's not a. [ __ ] you were a hockey player yeah yeah. you're an athlete all right I appreciate. that dude it's easy to get around when. you can slide on the surface yeah what.

sport did you I want to know what sports. do you play growing up basketball and I. was outdoors all the time actually dunk. I could at one time that's pretty. impressive. thanks man got that tail piece that's. why yeah it was all a sprawl they called. me the [ __ ] the flying ass yeah she'd. meet hitting the air she God way pink I. was my [ __ ] defense i watch his ass. that's white [ __ ] they got my eyes all. right let's move on to the South Region.

bro come on man this one's gonna get. sticky cuz you got a lot of mmm you got. a lot of quarters all in the air you got. a lot of testosterone yeah I get a lot. of ropeburn. yeah mama style Virginia Tennessee man. man oh man I'm going Tennessee because. Tennessee is even more southern. Tennessee on Kentucky with a hat oh yeah. bro they got guns they got good whiskey. Tennessee you got Knoxville you got. Nashville Tennessee I've spent some time. in Tennessee I spent time in Virginia -.

yeah you went to elementary school -. yeah it's a Virginia remember I believe. Alexander al. Zann drea Virginia is where the CIA has. their headquarters so now we got to take. that into account it's the capital of. the Confederacy I believe is in Virginia. so you know what Virginia I might have. to go Virginia because they're at the. intelligence they already got all the. intelligence the topography of Tennessee. they know everything about it that's. true that they that's true they got all. the books and Virginia also has the most. presidents buried in any graveyard is in.

Virginia so they got those presidential. ghosts yes. if somebody's able to arouse the dead. help to enforce the troops they're gonna. have leadership like no other yeah you. got evil cause power and that's. Hollywood scimitar think it's actually. called a Hollywood cemetery can you look. at it yeah I'm going Virginia all day. long yeah you got Alexandria Virginia. you got Department of Defense you got. all kinds of shady [ __ ] that goes on. there man. yeah you got a lot of universities in. Virginia too you got a lot of young. blood you got Radford Virginia Tech so. you got good ideas you got a lot of.

brain power in Virginia yeah you have a. lot of brain power brain power and the. CIA yeah Virginia all day but then you. look good rope you go to Tennessee man. my mother used to live in our in. Tennessee and you they got rivers they. have the land they have the I'm gonna. hide you you can get into some guerrilla. warfare in the Blue Hills testing yeah. okay. the smoking mount the Smoky Mountains. you get you get you get in that's from. them Smoky Mountains and here's the.

thing damn you're right Hollywood. Cemetery goddamn beautiful Cemetery man. bro it's impressive it's a little bit. now here's the thing Tennessee puts up a. defense they put up a defense you're. living in the woods but you get Virginia. Virginia now Virginia just kind of what. they do. what is when you're in the woods. fighting you got to leave your kids near. your wife behind. they just corral them up well and they. just put him at camp and they say listen. we're not gonna feed him until you guys.

come out of the woods that's what they. did in the Boer War the British did to. the Boers did they to the Duchy South. Africa yeah so here's the thing that's. how they that's how you break a. guerrilla resistance yeah with a mega to. the heart. Virginia loses the tent Tennessee. they're looking at the wrong things but. that's between. we choose mm-hmm yeah we there they're. wrong yeah the people are always wrong. and we're here to correct the people. it's not their fault yeah we're here to. correct to pollute people go Virginia. Wow writing it in that's just how it's.

done that's government guys you wonder. what government is like okay that's. socialism you all vote for something but. then some fella sitting by an American. flag next to a piece of electricity. tells your nan and that's a typo bang. bang this one's a tough one Alabama. Mississippi Mississippi's got that River. oh yeah I understand and when you got a. river you can move provisions you can. move forces up and down you have to get. that goal form X the Gulf goes right out. yeah there's a lot there's a lot of.

advantages in Mississippi but they got. to go through Louisiana to get to the. end of the river first of all so they're. gonna have to deal with a little bit of. Louisiana Mississippi you have severe. education issues severe education issues. and it's the fattest state yeah in the. Union that's the poor crime belt yes you. got some fatty pants you got oh we've. got some obesity to say the least say. yourself a lot of good for players but. not as many as they used to you know. Alabama you have Nick Saban first of all. could be the coach of your entire arm.

I'm going with Alabama then yeah I'm. going you got Nick Saban you know he's a. field general you you know his strategy. so Nick Saban takes over and and and. you're done yeah now there are more. alligators in Mississippi but that just. means more of your guys are getting. going down yeah you found a sneak around. BAM snack go unless you got malaria when. the whole grid breaks down oh yeah you. know there's more water in Mississippi. so everybody's got malaria you got. malaria Jackson over there to do don't. think I went to middle school with her. hey let's hear we got a white guy.

something to say all right yo gang gang. Theo Jordan here just wanted to start by. saying man my own state of Alabama would. most definitely win if there was never a. war to break out between the states. reason being man we got KIV that's. Governor old grandma cooking in the. kitchen she's got that vodka underneath. the counter we got Nick Saban man lookin. really we have some of the hardest. workers you'll ever find in a statement. some of the most down-to-earth people. willing to give you the shirt off their. back but also willing to stand up and.

fight for their values but we love our. god we love our guns and we don't drink. beer on Sundays how am i raising that. sweet corn no no we were raised on that. whole milk and that biscuits and gravy. get with it I like that kid American see. that [ __ ] kid yeah air now I love that. boy and that boys right John Nick Saban. I love that kid so he's right that you. want to fight dudes like that and. Alabama yeah no no that's a good kid. Yeah right there but don't push him he's.

got his boundaries and he knows exactly. he knows exactly what he's willing to. fight for yeah a man defines himself on. what he's willing to fight for in. Alabama has no problem no problem. establishing what they fight for I'm. going with that kid I'll go give him the. shirt he'll give you the shirt off his. back but don't push him don't take. liberties understand he'll give you off. his back do but if you want a scarf dude. you're gonna get your [ __ ] ass we. don't drink beer on Sundays god bless. that kid good Christian living yeah all.

right. that guy's got the Lord his veins in. Mississippi I think just still a little. too much too much of the devil palomero. it is too much the devil a littles to do. this show people some guys you know. think they're still enslaved down there. I bet you most people can't spell. Mississippi down i mississippi no they. make oh I don't know who's that many S's. in peace they made it way too hard [ __ ]. but very good recipes but that kind of. stuff is just gonna get your troops. they'll never make it out of the mess. hall man they're all got diabetes yeah. that's a diabetes about that's that. sugar belt yeah you know a lot of sugar.

lizards down there got an old school. money a lot of young people getting on. opioids because the daddy on the cotton. this and that and the kids aren't doing. much a lot of uh you know a lot of their. best assets a lot of times leave to go. to other places to have opportunity. you're right unfortunately and hopefully. that changes and I think it is but not. today it's not Alabama Wow look at that. 76 percent Wow I can't leave 24 percent. of people thought Mississippi that's. that education yeah. that's true yeah North Carolina South.

Carolina you gotta go South Carolina. more aggressive yeah I mean it's just. more southern I guarantee there see the. floor south you go the more guns there. are that's just a fact. oh yeah a lot of guns in North Carolina. and I love both states. but I'm going South Carolina and I think. right now in North Carolina you got Zion. Williamson over there do you have. University of North Carolina you have. Duke you have Wake Forest you have a. little bit more education but then.

they've done that stop to fight they're. more apt to reason that's a but they. might fight more strategically though. now but I went to school in Charleston. South Carolina for a semester and I. hitchhiked up there actually from a. boating regatta down in Biloxi. Mississippi and slept on a man's couch. for a while I almost got arrested. petting a cat on some lady's porch no. yeah and don't do that dude that's when. you're at that [ __ ] moment where. you're like Who am I you know you're. standing outside of a sleeping woman's. window petting a cat yeah that's a.

problem that's when you thankfully put. the cat down I [ __ ] left she thought. you were a peeping tom. oh well after that there's not much left. to do except crime that's true man. that's true I didn't know the cat now. you shouldn't have had your pants down. around that's where she probably felt no. I wore two belts when I went over there. just so I'd have to think twice before I. did anything Stan but I'll say this man. South Carolina you have a lot of sailing. and stuff over there you have you have. total access they used to have one of. the largest um indentured servant. markets was right there in Charleston. you have the battery in Charleston if.

canons already lining the walls there. you have Clemson you know they pronounce. it with a P in it but it didn't even. have a PA and Clemson but they call it. clumps and yet if you don't say Clemson. they get Pitt they get pissed bro they. do and it doesn't have a letter in it. bro so that's the kind of psychology. you're dealing with yeah I'm going South. Carolina Wow yeah man I'm going South. Carolina Wow this never happened um what. did what did the people say what do you. guys think Nick give any thoughts I mean.

I think you just you gave a really. compelling argument I had North Carolina. before but after all that I can't even I. was just thinking about all the colleges. Michael tour and athletes but you got. Michael Jordan you got his blood still. running in the streams over there yeah. he's a shooter Jordan like Artie Lange. said it best about Michael Jordan his. will to win was second and I said if. Michael Jordan had been on a Titanic it. would not have somehow he would have. been plugging holes with his own hands. so yeah so. you know if if if Michael comes back to.

to run his army I don't know. yeah because well he bought the. Charlotte Bobcats and they [ __ ] he's. so well - well that's why that's why in. that ship son that's why I'm going South. Carolina all day. I'll go South Carolina - on this woman. with the upset Wow. again people no no she that's northern. elitism right there. it is and you know there's a lot of. Yankees a lot of fancy kids that can't. get into some of these yeah the Ivy.

Leaguers they end up in these bootleg. schools pretending that those are Ivy. League UNC is one of them ah you know. God bless the heels my mother went to. Duke and I respect them but and that's. not really one of them but also Cornell. or you know don't put them out or a. University of Indiana with him like. that's a you know not where the Ku Klux. Klan started or there's just other. schools that they use a lot of times you. know right Louisiana Louisiana Louisiana. and Arkansas who stuff with see now.

Arden saw again a lot of farming tough. people but Farms get the hills though. you gotta be autumn of the Rocky. Mountain something about Louisiana yeah. Louisiana is home to Nam yeah voodoo I. was about to say I was about to say the. dark arts of Voodoo you got sank what. does it sense I really yeah yeah yeah. and you got voodoo Yeah right and. there's an under tapestry you got rats. you got those new Trejo trees yeah. they're that are African rat they're the.

biggest rats in the world there's [ __ ]. in Louisiana you don't even know about. yeah they got every poisonous snake in. the world including Cobras probably dude. they have a frat they can catch a. frisbee Rand that's a new trailer right. there those [ __ ] things and look you. can eat them dude if you want to die I. know you can I heard they're good eat. beaver right I mean look at that [ __ ]. thing I mean here's the thing is the. only place they are up from and yes they. came over on slave ships man it's. fascinating in their French actually. yeah beautiful French rat and it's a. beautiful like nutrious here's the thing.

man you got you just gotta go Louie. Louisiana because there there are see. I'll tell you what there's an underworld. in Louisiana - Arkansas doesn't have an. underworld that's true governor Edwards. David Duke. a lot of dirty minds bro and there's. there's like there's like veins under. the seat when you caught it Louisiana. you see Louisiana but there's a there's. a network of is an artery of tunnels. yeah artery of evil yeah let's just an. artery a [ __ ] that gets done on where. you don't see things yeah there's all.

kinds of [ __ ] that goes on that you. don't see in Huey Huey P long it was. supposed to be a the next. president-elect possibly was gunned down. in the state capitol man in the sixties. there you have a lot of famous. politicians have gone to jail there for. crimes by the way look at that Wow agree. Louisiana 85 215 Arkansas hasn't been. good since they had norm Richardson. runnin [ __ ] over there you know we'll. wait at least got busted this year over. at Louisiana State University are [ __ ].

bringing him the best illegal players. ever I didn't know that because Arkansas. is one of those states I always forget. about aspect I've been well I say give. it to Palestine man well you know it. wouldn't be a bad idea with it it. wouldn't be a bad idea you know what if. they're not gonna help you over there. we'll help you over here yeah that's a. good point man I like the view oh yeah. they got a lot of tunnels there too all. right well yeah Palestine that does it. for the South Region first round. time for the West Palast Arkansas's. wouldn't it be good mm-hmm but yeah.

that's a long name though. all right Oregon Idaho Montana I mean my. dad is the last frontier man Idaho's. great but it's a lot of rich people is. it yeah now people are moving Boise's be. the Sun Valley Boise you got Charlamagne. you got all kinds of places where people. go. Idaho's become the playground for the. rich so Montana still got Cowboys still. got tough people Oregon man you still.

have though you got Nike first of all. everyone is gonna be fitted to all that. it's a bunch of white people with bad. tattoos and sensible shoes. Oregon Oregon I mean I mean it's so. liberal and progressive Portland. Portland plus it's always raining in. there depressed yeah some homeless guy. if I almost got falls asleep on you. can't wake them up in Portland it's true. it's so great because it might be. dreaming. yeah so Oregon for me is like a place. that again it's just too liberal yeah.

there are people kick your ass in Oregon. I mean yes it's the logging town I mean. a lot of blue-collar dudes but overall. you gotta take into account it's just. too progressive to fight a war because. they might not all agree to fight that's. the problem yeah they'd have sit-ins and. they'd have to deal with their own. [ __ ] protests but they're tough. though logging I mean bro you back in. the day they were tough yeah but now you. have inadvertent logging like your. loggers even if you don't want to be you. won't be having dinner and a [ __ ] log. will just fall right off a mountain roll. right through your kitchen that is true.

and that is true but that's that's old. repository from back in the day like. Oregon is basically guys with fancy. beards and waxed mustaches and they're. into beer like the classic good point. that you know they'd have beer tastings. yeah free tastings [ __ ] off yeah every. other beer you need to make a [ __ ]. knife homie all right you're gonna get. your ass beat and that's their always. water log bro but look where they are. though aren't they in the top left yeah. look at Oregon dude it's a lot of. Patagonia models I beat up that whole.

stage yeah you could be the second of. your sequel I mean I'm just saying I. mean look at those guys they I don't I. can't hang out with those guys yeah a. lot of glasses a lot of people dressed. like they're looking for gold but not. looking for gold they're just going to. work yeah man with your dumb beard and. your stupid it's all good I'm working I. like it I like Portland it's a cool town. but it's just too waterlogged. I mean Idaho Montana first of all that's. where the war begins and between those.

guys because Oregon is just gets. squashed but Montana see both states are. real sunny so they they got a lot of. energy and a lot of vitamin D that's a. good point yeah it's very healthy a. healthy electoral motor. yeah but Idaho it's got too much East. Coast West Coast money hmm. and just too many [ __ ] we're boys I. hate remember Boise State the blue field. yeah you know that guy proposed to his. wife one of their best plays was got. proposed to his wife on the field dude. I've been hunting up in Montana zero.

boys for that you've been hunting we're. I'm sorry in Montana and the Missouri. Breaks I've been to Montana three times. that's the last frontier is it Montana. beats the [ __ ] [ __ ]. both those states bro yeah there you not. Montana's the winner there yeah not. everybody hunts everybody's got way more. than one gun and we're not talking about. pistols we're talking about ak-47s we're. talking about ar-15s we're talking about. modified our 1450s. we're talking about every pistol you can. think of and every shotgun you can think. of an every hunting rifle you're talking.

about guys who was shooting deer and. everything else through a scope so so. you got snipers in Montana they've taken. out your whole [ __ ] front line and. your command structure that's true from. so far away oh yeah they have scopes. passed down from generation to. generation yeah horoscopes kaleidoscopes. all together bro they'll shoot you when. you're in [ __ ] Idaho yes yes you know. you a [ __ ] bro you'll be filling your. uh your your [ __ ] little mule bag up. a water Scopes Monkey Trial got all of.

it man oh brother they'll shoot the. [ __ ] nuts right out of your [ __ ]. body yeah you're done and the Sacko heel. on the way out that's how [ __ ]. capable they are harder sighs what the. people say due to some limitations of. Instagram we don't have a pole for this. one Jesus a night price can only do one. verse one all right Utah Nevada Wyoming. my choice is gonna surprise you guys. okay I'm gonna start with this one so. Utah first of all this is this we're. talking Sun burn we're talking people. that are looking for the Lord we're.

talking I want to go back to Idaho. Montana. let's go back there's one little caveat. Idaho grows potatoes potatoes are they. live in the ground what you mean that's. it that's a crop it's hard and destroy. he's a lot of water but that's a crop. that that feeds you now you can live on. cheese and potatoes yeah okay so you can. feed your army yeah but you gotta feed. them potatoes au gratin it's true and.

that takes a while to paint so let's go. back let's [ __ ] it with let's stick with. Montana yeah I had I had to bring it up. no you were actually you know what I'll. say this about Idaho as well since you. say that they also have the second. largest they make most of the sugar in. America comes out autumn from beets they. have sugar beets there so you got to. think of the crops I don't know. what's my antenna growing tobacco they. got that one guy smoking in the. commercial Montana you gotta kill your. own game yeah that's a problem it is a.

problem dude because I don't look at. food supply oh it's huge what are you. gonna eat okay now what what did I grow. Montana yeah I don't know yeah hey have. these Montana [ __ ] cherries now we'll. say this they have great cherries in. this area so keep you sustained though. but there are Gators - okay taters does. he eat them with the skin they're super. nutritious what is the UH it could go to. population I think you might be right. hold on apples [ __ ] potato okay we. got some stuff we are flax do we yeah we.

got beans and potatoes I'm good I'm good. and some game we're good you're gonna. stick with Montana Wow I'm glad though. you brought that up. all right now I don't think you brought. it up like Utah Nevada Wyoming God all. right I'm gonna say this man Nevada has. too much money going around in it to go. easy. Wyoming it's like aren't they just. Montana are they gonna combine with. Montana or some of those people gonna. slip over there Cheyenne Jackson Hole.

you got a lot of fancy people moving up. there to ski it's become the new Utah in. a lot of ways like rich people moving. out there hiding it's so cold up there. why oming people say that you know. they're not sure oh yeah you know Nevada. you got a lot of that money now Utah. dude you have people that went there you. got religious people that are motivated. by religion and that is powerful most of.

the movements of Mormons in the world. have been religious motivated movements. I think that's a good is thing though. mm-hmm yeah Utah I like what you're. saying with the Mormons they're already. a team but then Nevada does have Las. Vegas and that there's a lot of money. seen a lot Nevada is way wealthier then. I would imagine both states yeah. the Mormons have a lot of money in the. church though how can the Mormons have.

banks mm-hmm and the Mormons bro I've. been there Salt Lake City you pass. through the Tabernacle area bro you can. get married. any [ __ ] body broke yeah if you if. you say you're Mormon they're more I've. seen [ __ ] a four year old man you. know what you don't here's the other. thing you don't know about Utah and. Mormons they recruit heavily in Tonga. and Samoa Wow. so you got a shitload of Samoans and. Tongans maybe the toughest people ever. the dark parts baby enjoy that [ __ ]. enjoy fighting those guys Oh enjoy.

fighting an army of men and women cuz. Tong and women are stronger than the. average white European man yeah that's a. fact. they'll beat the [ __ ] out of you dude I. saw a tonguing I get hit by a spear bro. and he giggled a little I said it. tickled Tongans are not to be [ __ ]. with they walk around all of them are. way over 220 pounds they can sleep. standing up they're just crazy thick. that's insane bro sometimes at the. airport if their flight gets late you'll. see 60 or 70 of them sleeping in a group.

just standing yeah it's absolutely crazy. you gotta be quiet when you go by I'm. obviously not a [ __ ] shear kind look. at that one in four tons and US Coast. Utah I'll tell you wrong hands [ __ ]. down bro religion is not playing bro you. think people aren't gonna [ __ ] go to. bat Utah hands down. Utah hands down good call let's see what. this guy says yeah so Utah cuz you got. the volunteers and not just for fighting. but also for meal prep a large-scale.

meal prep you know that the ability to. organize not just gatherings but also. you know any construction projects we. would need to do we could just do. construction on all the roads into Utah. and then known on Utah drivers will be. able to get through it. hiking lots of [ __ ] hiking a very fit. active hunters hunters got the guns know. the terrain so no state terrain would be. in foreign battleground to us sure your.

new wide room you could say it's for God. the religious jealousy of that could. rival the Crusades maybe she's thinking. and if the Mormons are in on it then you. know we got the funds so she can gain. ok gang bye bro did you see in the end I. could see her looking out at the just. millions of Mormons in front yeah she. made that video and they march in.

soldiers of God. summed it up and you can see she helped. that she blinked twice in a minute and a. half that would then that is a Mormon. woman she's ready to go to beautiful. dark eyes God congratulations good um. it's hard to mention yes on this podcast. no I want to talk about fighter in the. case no I said congratulations oh sorry. yeah he's gonna be here today is he till. he is yeah he looks up to me. mm-hmm there would be no crystal here.

without me he's open for me you know. fact and that is a fact dude and some. people have said that now there's a lot. of stuff out there you know that arm you. know different comedians got their vibes. from different people you know dice says. that Sebastian took his style. daliyah took he I gave him his essence. what was well the bravado I can see from. the neck up its you everything about me. he I was his biggest influence and again. yeah then and all that stuff go back.

just a just go back in the den alone all. I ask is go back to my early stuff yeah. ten minute podcast before that Alright. fighting a kid all the way back go all. the way back please. but this is heavenly or do you is my. peas my pup yeah I let him out of the. nest and I'm glad he's flying I could. shoot him down anytime I want. yeah but just to understand I'm his. biggest influence at the end of the day. I'm his [ __ ] dad yeah I'm his dad oh.

yeah yeah oh yeah you stand me oh I see. it when I think of him I think of him. like soaring in the sky right yeah but. then I think of a man if you look in the. distance of that vision yeah there's a. man on a mountaintop and he has that. thing on his arm with a piece of [ __ ]. meat and the thing see and you. understand that and what you also don't. see is a very thin piece a fishing wire. that's attached to his ankle Jesus.

Christ so anytime I want. yank him out his sky when he's soaring. oh it's not a problem for me when he's. out there with his [ __ ] guy a little. anoche that guy that [ __ ] bootlegger. now you know she's not even a tell he's. not Italian he's not fraud oh dude it's. so guys that guys [ __ ] he was a dog. all brown and then returned he was. adopted and returned really yeah. he's I'm not saying anything but a lot.

of people are just a dog dr. dan return. yeah you think I'm a bum kid I mean I'm. kind of larvae you get a fake Italian. bro he got to pick his [ __ ] last. thing like ice not Italian not tired. you think that guy's [ __ ] Italian. what no funny Browns a funny comic oh. he's very funny dude but it's secondhand. smoke it's third-hand smoke crystals. your paw and he sees Craig and he sees. no cheese everybody he's like hey okay.

guys who are extras in a movie. hey guys who extras in every single. movie ever see what's going on no he's a. hard-working comic Amanda tell you bro I. know she's not a time but he's funny. yeah I want to get him on fire in the. kid I would but he's dead but you know. Chris won't let him go I called him I go. I can't have you on because you know. they're just ratings wise we're with. mid-roll no I love him I want him on you.

know I even told him that I can't have. you on I can't look at the same thing my. parents told him that adopted you know I. want her she's funny as [ __ ] well he got. adopted by a family did it still did. some light vaudeville kind of stuff and. he couldn't could hack it oh so he. wasn't good for the circus so back I. knew a Navy SEAL who grew up in the. circus traveling circus Neil's was easy. for me it was grown up in a circus that. was a [ __ ] mm-hmm all right ah two. more two more we're gonna be will be and.

we'll shut it down for this first round. man this is absolutely awesome. New Mexico Kansas now I'm gonna be in. Kansas City this weekend that's right as. you mean kids he can start rough. starting Friday Saturday now I'll be at. the Kansas City improv Friday Saturday. now I tell you about my Phil. the next weekend but was sold out and. probably to add a sixth show and I could. tell you about my Calgary shows in the. fourth fifth and sixth yeah I'm not. gonna do that right now but how great is. Calgary then it's fantastic will I be. there of course I will April 4th in you.

should now get your tickets it doesn't. matter here's the thing I'm sure will. sell out hurry up. that's not what we're here for it now. I'm gonna say some things about Kansas. hmm I like Kansas Oh tall people all. right you got to see over the wheat man. you can see over the wheat it rains. sideways they got some strong weather oh. yeah hands they call it the [ __ ]. white Vietnam I didn't know that I. didn't know that but it's flat and it's. open now Kansas is great I can't wait to.

be in Kansas City yeah a couple things. about New Mexico you need to understand. that Kansas City's a Missouri. it is there are two Kansas cities it's. true Kansas City Kansas Kansas City. Missouri mister you're gonna be I'm not. sure where I'm not sure which one I'm. gonna be in because I went bad on. Missouri so find out where the [ __ ] that. is I apologize to both states damn it. I'm gonna have 15 people in my show and. they're gonna have guns and I'm the best.

I'm in Missouri right do bring a gun. meatery yeah yeah so [ __ ] Kansas I'll be. in Missouri now listen New Mexico has a. couple things going for it yeah in. Spanish American War the one thing that. a lot of the Saxon the white American. fighters would always come anna has on. the bravery of the Mexican fighter wow. that's a fact yeah and there's something. in the Mexican blood that they are if. they are a brave hard-working people.

alike I mean they you watch them as they. when they box they I talked about this. in my special complicated Apes oh my. bleep god oh mama thought those no it's. easy if I had to fight a man from Mexico. and a man from France and I knew nothing. about either one right law of averages. says to go with Pierre every time right. yeah right so Mexico like when you watch. fight they don't that I don't I've never. seen one I don't think they teach in the. Russian and Mexican school of fighting.

they don't teach you how to retreat. you just keep moving forward or so you. got a lot of that in New Mexico. yeah here's the other thing you got in. New Mexico you got I mean I mean come on. think about how many great fighters are. from Mexico of Mexican origin I mean you. know I'm saying like like No. oh yeah I mean Ryan or take I mean it. keeps going it's crazy so look at one I. mean Marquez one of the greatest.

fighters of all time. Herrera the assassin Canelo Chavez the. greatest fighters of all I mean and then. forget MMA is crazy. Antonia Oh half the whole immolation. yeah they're all amazing so so so and. you also got one more thing going for. you New Mexico I think a los alamos well. they made that nuclear bomb yeah aliens. came there thank you sir so New Mexico. all [ __ ] day. yeah because also Olmec a lot of. mexicanos make on us and we have a lot.

of make on a listeners are going to go. there just because it's called New. Mexico they're gonna get the hats. they're gonna get the 100% looking Yuri. they're gonna go there once Yuri. yeah they you read the aqua with DJ so. you're gonna have a lot of a lot of uh. you know um you got communica a. community yeah how many company like. Papua New Mexico and a lot of Native. Americans that's true a lot of Native.

Americans Oh hieroglyphics I think. Pueblo I think you got all kinds of like. different Native Americans and Navajo oh. dude no I don't know a lot of the tribes. there but native Mertilla ho you know. yeah burn a gram they got everybody New. Mexico there you go out there you go see. and you know it but it is it one place. you're still gonna find a lot of hard. workers a lot of white hard workers it. would be Kansas I think unless even the.

farms they're going to a lot of Latino. workers they've gone they've gone by. where the factory farm so it's all done. by machine brah so don't worry about. that because I was in the transition man. I used to work on a soybean corn cotton. Milo farm and uh on the Louisiana and. missus. be Delta right oh yeah it's impressive. and um in my summers from high school to. into college and I remember the last. summer that I was there was the first. time that they got a Mexican worker so. it was like you could just start to see.

it kind of getting into the area that a. lot of Latinos were coming in Wow and. migrant workers you know you but you. didn't have if the the two the two. summers before they didn't have it right. you know and then and then the third. summer they had this guy named eme and. he was him and he was Jimmy we were sure. Jimmy but Jimmy he wrote it down a. couple times he wasn't even God why you. me Gary I know oh yeah.

yaks on view ox only yoga okay we have. the last one Bryan Callen here today in. the first round of the state Wars March. Madness I mean this is a big one. Hawaii's got big strong Hawaiians but. there are also a lot dick addicted to a. lot of sucrose a lot of drugs a lot of.

weed over there yeah crystal you gotta. go you gotta go Eliza. there you go Alaska the last frontier. the hardiest [ __ ] on the planet. living below zero imagine they can they. can ride a horse they can they can do. everything dude imagine waking up in the. morning and having to ship yourself out. of your own [ __ ] head when the ice is. I mean you know they know how to skin. they not I get they know how to live off. the land. yeah Alaska crushes Hawaii because.

Hawaii is great but you know it's too. much Beach too much you know to easy. right it's gotten to yeah I think at. this point it's gotten too easy they. can't even make their football teams. good but the highest that ever gets to. be is like number 24 or something. Aloha yeah I mean yeah they have it's. hard to play with flour you can't fight. with flowers around your neck dude LA. you can't fight with a. dude impossible ah Alaska you can have. mittens made of your ex-wife and I like.

oh yeah we're ex-husband if you got if. the Hawaiians tried to go into Alaska to. take it over it all died Amitabh. it's like gremlins when they hit water. Hawaiians can't handle that kind of cold. they just die right away they first of. all they would even add a dress for it. oh they get off the plane and freeze to. death I mean they'd just be frozen right. there and then they just come out with a. statue they just like to keep them. frozen and have like the Hawaiian Museum. and you just kids from Alaska would walk. through that frozen Museum of like. frozen Hawaii. yeah dude Milo and Oh lilo and stitch is.

their big movie Alaska has called the. wild one dude went out there and tried. to read a book and [ __ ] died in a bus. yes he did the Jack London wrote to. build a fire call it a wild Jack London. was a great writer and he didn't even. live in Alaska somebody said he just. read about well he and I made that up. okay yeah he did live in Alaska he lived. on I work on a boat. he's a great [ __ ] writer Deadliest. Catch that's awful where Alaska yeah bro.

dude Deadliest Catch. that's an unsafe work environment yeah. not the Google cafeteria because. somebody wrote some stuff about men and. women and [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah not the. Oahu [ __ ] mahi grill that is not a. dangerous work environment it's sure. ain't yeah and plus your camouflage into. why you guys pick the worst camouflage. it's the floral the bright colors your. [ __ ] it's like a tropical bird yeah I. want to do a shoot you out of the sky. party you're gonna get shot on the plane.

bro they're gonna know you're coming. right now so I think all your hardest. hitters have really probably moved on to. Hawaii Alaska there you go there you go. we have a lot of Alaskan listeners too. actually. we written a lot of video and audio. services from Alaska Wow um so let's uh. and there's the next rounds we'll put. those on the screen get some good ones. okay we did well I think I think we did. well - man very interesting thank you. for the UH for the knowledge man this is.

a big second-round matchup California. meet Ana yeah who were some of it was. Callie Montana Texas Virginia. it's gonna be good New Jersey versus. West Virginia you even imagine whoa. Romek it's not aggression it's going to. I don't know that's a [ __ ] tough one. jersey Oklahoma Louisiana a Jersey is. Italian versus redneck that's both the.

toughest [ __ ] yeah we're gonna think. about a lot of these video submissions. yes send him videos we don't know if. it'll be Brian here next time we may. have another famous comedian here I love. being here thank you for having me I'm. next door you know where to find me Oh. hear me yeah really. we hear you buddy and you just start a. YouTube channel right Brian yeah Bryan. Callen at YouTube / right youtube.com /. Bryan Callen live yeah youtube.com / -. Bryan Callen and we're gonna give you.

this man to take care of yourself as you. move forward you just pissed off a lot. of states so yeah I appreciate that and. get complicated apes you [ __ ] yeah. and I'll put complicated Apes on my. Instagram right now check it out this is. go out today and thank you so much to. the fighter in the kid for always being. so supportive me you guys have been we. wouldn't you're one of our favorites. brother well it's a nice special. let's get that new belt forget that yeah. we're the did you get oh we got it is. coming it's coming. this is good it's coming it's April no.

no bro we gotta come what better a belt. in the meantime I start and I'm very. happy was it a vision you had we I think. we had the IRA blacksmith's we got a. banjo banging it out I've had to mine. the gold you know I'm saying the gems. and where's Chris I'm Melea gonna be at. you know those puppies he has on his. Instagram they're not real they bring. him over to his house to use him mm-hmm.

and then the lady takes him back chris. is a phony and a racist. oh definitely I don't mean to spread. rumors but yeah holy [ __ ] hold on this. is a knife. yeah check out that blade I love knives. you gotta go get into the box you're. gonna lose to every state fold enough. yeah there's a long as a lap there's a. slash on the side yeah the side folds up. you know. cyfle is I want this knife Oh take it. put it your car very helpful in the car. I carry a knife well now you carry him. tuna dude did I have two knives on me.

right now. holy [ __ ] I like this knife but you know. what I want a switchblade. I want two stiletto we'll switch that. [ __ ] out that's a nice little knife -. I'd do some damage with that you can. stab 15 people for it'll [ __ ] be not. that shot long zipper man oh I'll unzip. you oh yeah as I say to a guy go hey bro. you want me to unzip you careful brother. I'll unzip you yeah I play for keeps. because I got you like a dog oh you. wanna know honey you wanna [ __ ] count.

your ribs while you die that's it yeah. that's it bro I'll open you up and you. lose hydraulics in eight seconds oh damn. dude look I bought these two little. xylophone mal I did. Marin's podcast I was talking about that. there's this guy who said if I could. start cutting you here in your arms. you're gonna you're gonna lose. hydraulics in about eight seconds Jesus. I was like hydraulics so nice who gave. me this knife Ridge they do they do so. they sponsor us a ridge. I want a knife you got one richer's. really rich I want a knife where I can.

like the stilettos for real oh that I. want a bigger one that ritchie valens. well yeah i want to know if i can push. up and be ready for real yeah send me. one that's something you breakout it and. you have a semi one yeah let's eat this. one they might have those I must I'm not. taking this one from maybe I added to. the product line just take that bro you. just [ __ ] told 20 states that there. are [ __ ] all right. and you're going to two of them this. weekend I'll take this Ridge knife I. like this thank you but one thing is. though Kansas City is right there on the.

border man you're gonna appeal from both. walks of life can't send this out come. out one and all come out strong yeah you. know I'm saying. oh yeah that's a knife did I keep you. busy with this [ __ ] knife I'll keep a. [ __ ] cat busy with my dick oh you. will but you see what I say is when I. pull out my knife and I go I just start. picking my teeth and I mean picking my. nails like oh yes I am teeth I go just. remember your kung fu is no good here. see what I did you see I went low just.

remember. your kung-fu is no good here. that's scary dude did I feel like I'm. gonna now take from mother will be blood. yeah you know I drink a milk shake. yeah I drink your milkshake there's a. different time man would you a sir. what what obviously you're surviving a. lot in this time period but what time. period do you think you could not have. survived well in I mean the the probably.

the thing that people don't realize. about most of history is you died of. diseases like the pox the plague. diphtheria malaria Oh all kinds of. diseases so you know you you you and if. you didn't do that you get cut and get. an infection and gets staff and die it. would go septic are they have to you. know people who have a problem with. Western medicine. please look at some old pictures of the. Civil War yeah there were mountains of.

amputated legs in hands and feet and and. arms because when you got injured they. had to cut your hand off because it was. gonna go gangrene is gonna kill the rest. of you yes so you had to lose we didn't. come up with with essentially you know. things to dress wounds until world World. War one and after you got you just had. to have it lopped off and we didn't. really have anesthetic. Oh bite down on this [ __ ] on this on. this rag and we're gonna cut your.

goddamn leg off that's what would happen. you mean so we owe much to technology. and now we got and look on your kids out. here skating on [ __ ] yeah of water. people who don't vaccinate their kids. man I mean I don't know like if you look. at history forget the science just pick. up a book on literature history yeah. everybody was dying you lost your kids. you buried your kids to shitty diseases. tetanus things that we don't even think. about anymore yeah rusty nail do it you. want to lose your son to a [ __ ] rusty.

nail what would had a did you have a. stance on some is severely like. outlandish idea that's the problem. that's what's gonna happen in some of. these cities already is already is it's. already happening. but I mean that's just that's just. ignorance. yeah you know people just don't trust. Big Pharma and I understand that oh you. understand where that comes from but but. you can't get your information off of. youtube and google only yeah leave this. site just listen to scientists. scientists are in the pocket of the. companies sometimes sometimes but when.

you wouldn't be massive and what it's. not even that I'm saying forget okay if. you don't want to listen to all the. scientists because I guess they're all. evil and they're all taking money I mean. that's the craziest thing I've ever. heard. but if you don't so you're all your. doctors are wrong all your doctors are. wrong all your science is wrong cool. I'll give that to you you got that ready. now just pick up because you don't do. this I know you don't do this most. people yeah read any good work of. literature any great play I mean any.

we're watching people die of like. consumption whatever it might be read. any history book or we're gonna talk to. any historian who doesn't make money. from the pharmaceutical companies right. talk to anybody they will tell you that. disease that disease that we now. vaccinate for words were the leading. causes of death you lost your children. you lost entire groups of people the. Spanish flu killed that that's just a. matter of historical record what are you.

talking about yeah smallpox throughout. the world I grew up in those countries. in the seventies I lived there I saw. leprosy with my own eyes you dumb [ __ ]. without tetracyclines without. tetracycline you'd be done I watch. people die of AIDS with my own eyes my. own neighbors my own friends I saw it in. New York every single day Jerry. O'Connell saw it too and then they came. along with protease inhibitors you. [ __ ] idiots so Big Pharma saves lives. as well. I saw what aids did if you want to be an.

AIDS denier go ahead the problem is I. start with my own eyes you [ __ ] and now. they're not dying anymore. now AIDS is this manageable or mayor. more manageable than diabetes and the. virus has had the [ __ ] constantly. compromised themselves to it so so much. because of these cocktail drugs thanks. to Big Pharma and science so if that's. the case we know that if you have staff. or mersa then. then go then don't trust Big Pharma yeah.

go figure yourself yeah see yourself and. you see weed and honey you dumped [ __ ]. at you [ __ ] see how long you live yeah. but so so it's funny to me that people. they use the technology in their Apple. phones but that's not evil. they don't trust other technologies so. the confirmation it's confirmation bias. yeah you benefit every [ __ ] day from. scientific thinking right you don't you. don't bury your friends or your children. and your and your parents because of. scientific thinking you dumb [ __ ] a. little respect words do I'm not saying. you have to trust Big Pharma I'm not.

saying Big Pharma doesn't have profit. motive and greed and I'm not saying. there aren't corrupt people and all. these things and I must say the first. thing I'll do name big farm out yeah I'm. not saying that you should trust your. government I don't write I don't trust a. lot of Big Pharma I understand that but. when you start going against vaccines. across the board your dumbest [ __ ] yeah. and although you're you're you're an. ignorant idiot who knows nothing about. history yeah and if we are addicted we. have a part in that if you're addicted. to some freakin drugs you're the one.

that's addicted like sure they're. addictive you got to eat crazy doctors. shouldn't be right in all these. prescriptions but you have a part in. that as well we have a part in that as. well you know as users you know if you. know just because lakeside maple who's. not sponsoring us anymore but who we. still love and it's been a very great. small business just because they keep. making [ __ ] maple you know trail mix. doesn't make them bad people no it. doesn't make them bad me sitting here. [ __ ] trail mix cures smallpox yeah.

they could man you never know yeah. Bryan Callen thank you so much you're. special complicated apes is it. complicated always video - no video no. yeah it's doing really well but it's the. best thing I've ever done I think and I. think you'll laugh I think you'll laugh. you know you're you're you're one of the. most entertaining men I know I always. say that I think entertainers are making. a big comeback on stage yeah you know. and you've always been out there but. guys like you Sebastian Maniscalco. people that are actually entertaining. there's something to hear but also.

there's something to watch hopefully I. appreciate it that's the truth we'll see. you guys in the future for round 2 of. this past weekend's state Wars March. Madness thank you. gianni Thank You Nick thank you yep stem. cells. alright cutie pies thanks everybody. [Music].

[Music]. little time for me to set that parking. brake myself. [Music].

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