Return Vibes | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #379

gang baby gang. um. good to be here happy. february. if you believe in it. if you practice it. you know i know a lot of folks out there. don't really uh. you know the calendar isn't their thing. they do they just kind of go on time. overall. you know. start finish you know they just. they're more that headstone is really. their thing that's their clock.

they're not on the calendar like we are. but if you celebrate february. and you believe in it then. then. uh then i'm similar to you and happy. february. um. [Music]. you know i was thinking when i was. growing up they had a fella named. jean. was his name. and his name was eugene.

but they didn't people didn't. nobody thought much of them. so they just called him gene because. they didn't want to. you know probably waste the time on the. on the the baguette the extra part of. his name it just said i'm calling him. gene you know. it felt ain't worth the time. and um. and he had the thinnest skin i mean damn. you wouldn't even. you'd ask him before you cut on a light. bulb around him. his skin is so damn thin you i mean just.

my god. you know you could see you could see. what was going on. you could see his heart had just pumped. and it was heading to his hand and it. was heading back. you know come the blood you could see it. commuting. in him that's how he was just. his skin so thin. you know if he was gonna get a pimple. hell you knew before you could tell in. advance you you just see it form it just. thin skin really.

i don't know if maybe his uh you know. when his parents had made love or. whatever they didn't really do it good. enough or well i don't know what. happened. you know i'm not a scientist. but um. but yeah you'd see you know i remember. one time he uh tried to do a cigarette. and he had to smoke it from so far away. he had to just lean his neck out and get. the tip of it because he couldn't get. his body that close to the flame. because he'd feel that heat. you know and he was always umbrellaed up.

people keep him umbrella up. and so he couldn't do any outdoor sports. you know. jane you know. gene couldn't do no outdoor sports. because the sunlight would just he'd. lose before he started. you know. he'd be at the starting line he'd write. finish on that [ __ ] and lay down he. just couldn't handle the because his he. only had so much skin. and that's who he was you know and. and everybody thought he wasn't worth. much.

you know they didn't even call him his. full name. and then we kind of got to an age i. think it might have been 9 or 11 or even. could have been seven. and when swimming was big you know. people you know. swimming when i was really you know. swimming was just. you know i didn't know anybody that had. a pool till i was probably. i don't know maybe. 13 probably anyway swimming came out.

and gene got in the pool. swimming was indoors. and so the sun the elements they weren't. they were that wasn't an issue. and dude. since he only had a few layers of skin. he probably had three and a half layers. of damn skin on him you know he was just. so thin skinned that. the wall you know because the body is. what. 79 water probably.

you know if you if you haven't had. anything to eat i bet it's even a little. more than that once you put lunch in. your body i bet it probably drops down. to about 79. but. uh. but anyway once he you know so your body. is that much water. once gene got in the pool man. dude. it was. he was his skin there was nothing no. there was hardly nothing between him and. the water of the pool and the water of. his body.

and he was just like a damn i mean. just like a little salamander. you know that had just won a damn. scratch off and he was running that. [ __ ] back in there. i mean he would ju he. i mean he just uh. he's that good. you know uh. it just took a while sometimes sometimes. it takes a while. you know you don't know what. you don't know why whatever you're doing. why it is.

or what you have you don't know. why you have it. you know. you don't know why you have it. you know you might have one arm and so. you know forever you're like damn dude. you know where's my other arm. and then somebody comes along and just. tells you to hold something. anyway let's get into it baby.

[Music]. well i just broke up with my baby. [Music].

he's on the camera. and there you go right there that's. eddie uh. that's 89 volts. with the come up. and um. yeah good to be here happy to p to be. back on a solo episode. uh thank you guys for your patience um. what's been happening a lot. a lot occurred over the past. i think it's been maybe six weeks.

uh since i was in here doing solo. and um. i want to thank everybody for their. support. uh. through messaging through. um mail. you know we've got a lot of uh. you know hard mail. you know um. you know boxed box type thoughts boxed. messaging. and uh. you know.

licked me licked mail. that people sent and i just want to say. thank you for that. um we'll do a uh anthrax challenge soon. and open that up. and also i want to thank you guys for um. i want to thank you for uh. just the support. and coming out to the shows over the. past. six months. you know um. as the tour was kind of getting its feed. and. you know the old special was the was.

coming out and the new material was. making its way in. it was a lot of transition. and um. and man this weekend this past week we. went to florida and i felt like it was. the wheels were on baby. i felt like that thing was in four-wheel. drive. so uh. just thank you to everybody that's come. out in the different cities um at the. end of last year and just for the. support.

i know a lot of you guys come you don't. even care about the comedy you just care. you just want to show support. you know and i feel that i want to let. you know i feel that and uh. yeah and just. i want to thank a lot of you guys just. for loving my for for for loving me when. i couldn't even love myself at times. you know um. i want to thank you for that. so uh.

it's hard for me to feel that kind of a. it's hard for me to feel it it's hard. for me to feel when people care but um. i'm doing my best and i and i see it and. uh. and thank you i just want to say thank. you very much for that support. um what's going on man. well a lot uh. what have i so. here i wrote down some stuff in here so.

just so i could have some idea. um things to talk about how i spent my. january so. um. well a lot of things i mean i i i'm. mostly. you know i i haven't. uh. i haven't felt good for a long time. you know i haven't felt good i have for. a couple years has something had been. bothering me. and i've talked about it on here and. um.

something had been bothering me i just. felt uh. i think there was a couple things going. on one i was exhausted. and then two something was really. bothering me and i couldn't tell exactly. what it was or. what things it was it was like a damn. group of goblins i felt like. and they were hanging out just. just under the earth i just kept. it was like i had this. a lot of anger and i didn't know why.

um. and one of the things that was going on. i wanted to i thought that i was getting. all i wanted to get off antidepressants. because i thought that was preventing me. from having a lot of my feelings. you know i thought it was preventing me. from. [Music]. uh. getting figuring out what was going on. with myself. like on the interior. because.

i couldn't access my feelings. you know the antidepressants kept me at. like a comfortable space. and it felt like there was stuff that. was under there. and then also i was noticing about like. trying to be in love or um. [Music]. or. you know with relationships and dating i. was having trouble getting into like a. any other mode than just. wanting to be you know doing touch or.

you know jerking each other or whatever. you know or just one of you know. i was getting you know and then. the female v you know what i'm saying. like so that's what i'm saying but. um yeah i was having a tough time with a. lot of that so so i wanted to get off. antidepressants and so that was kind of. spooky. because damn well you get off. antidepressants. you hitchhiking son. you hitch hiking.

you know what i'm saying man i before. that i was in a i was in an uber. i was i was sitting in the back seat. having me a couple uh. you know takis or whatever you know. fritos chili cheese flavored and i don't. like them but i accidentally picked. those up instead of the regular bag. because the bags look too similar. so anyway i'm sitting back you know i. was in the lord's uber baby i was on.

antidepressants. but you get off them [ __ ] you. standing on the side of the. road. yo [ __ ] is raw. you got your thumb out baby it's cold. and it's cold. um. and i thought i was gonna take a break. and go off to do some do a treatment. center but i couldn't uh i started. working with therapists heavily and i. couldn't figure out like what do i want. to go for like what is my real.

issue what is really and i didn't know. so. you know i don't want to end up in some. center for damn you know. people that can't see well but i can you. know. but i'm seeing pretty decent you know i. don't want to. be in there doing like you know. that little chart the e m. you know. leftwardy upward e. and i'm just [ __ ] ace in the [ __ ]. and everybody else in there got a damn.

you know one of those sticks they're you. know beating or whatever looking for uh. you know whatever that you i guess you. just try to beat the. truth out of the air in front of you i. don't even know what they do with if you. have like a blind stick or whatever but. um. or just get the air to tell you. what's. in it i don't even. that whole thing's never made sense to. me but um. anyway. i'm losing my train of thought.

but yeah so i wanted to see what was. going on man so i started and i couldn't. find like an exact. place that i wanted to go and i didn't. know what for. uh. i just knew that i wasn't feeling good. so i just decided to go to meetings i. started going to meetings um. for. uh. like. they're basically like sex and love. addiction but the real thing you're in. there if. that wasn't my thing i don't have a sex. addiction. but i do have like a uh.

i noticed an addiction and a. interesting relationship with um. attention. and admiration female especially female. admiration. so i started going to a lot of meetings. about that and i started going to a lot. of aaa meetings i was going to two. meetings a day. um. just to be social just to have like a. social environment that was like um.

a place where people were sharing their. thoughts and feelings. you know because i really would i really. got intent on trying to figure out what. is what is. why is there something in me that's. always you know. that's always. in pain kinda. and i'm not trying to have a pity party. or anything i'm just trying to share. what happened with me. so so anyway i got it i got into um.

i saw i was going to meetings i was. doing that and i was off the. antidepressants and it's wise. dude. you'll be talking to somebody and like. somebody will pat you on the back and it. just. it feels like a pat on the back you. never got and you just start just. tearing up and. it's real. you sent you all your feelings that. haven't been doing anything that [ __ ]. has been milling around some of them are. pissed. some of them have been doing damn oxygen. i mean you know they're doing oxycontin.

some of them are on pre-workout. you know some of them have been in zoo. culture there's a lot you know they've. been milling around. so you got all these feelings once. you're off antidepressants i did anyway. and i'm not telling you to get off them. don't do anything that i do ever. and maybe you know talk with a doctor. but yeah i went to i talked to the. doctor and then i weaned off and that. was that so. and i started microdosing psilocybin.

you know because that's like an. alternative. so uh. you know i i got like a. whatever dose you're the dose you're. supposed to get and started doing that. um. and i started working my step work and. in different programs and different. recovery programs um. and then. so i don't know who was talking about. ayahuasca.

and it could have been either neil. brennan or. um. uh. jason ellis i know we spoke about it. when he was in with tony hawk. and. i talked with neil about it oh and a. friend of mine. uh. a couple friends of mine went. brittany schmidt a comedian she. performed with me somewhere she went a. couple people went. and.

and so next thing you know i'm i got. signed up i got signed up for ayahuasca. man and uh. so i was going i was seeing my therapist. i'm telling my therapist this is what i. want to do and they were in support of. it and so. like a lot of therapy and like i was. getting some pretty good traction with a. lot of my feelings and things that were. making me upset. and then i had this moment during the. holidays too this was a big part.

where. you know a lot of my ish a lot of my. stuff has come from you know uh. i think childhood neglect really. i didn't know when i nobody was really. tickling me nobody was looking at me and. loving me. and i'm not complaining. you know it hurts me. but i'm not really uh i'm not here to. complain about i'm just telling you what. happened. so. i was home for the holidays.

and. i was down by my mother's house and. you know i'd really just been struggling. and i had a lot of feelings because i'm. off these antidepressants and. um. and i'd kind of been keeping my distance. from my mother. there's something about the relationship. that's been tough for me and i don't. know what it was. and i just needed some space. um.

and i went down to her place and i was. sitting there. with her. talking and she giving me a gift. and uh. and i just broke down man i bro i'm just. sobbing i mean just saw just like. damn just like niagara like somebody. like some. you know like some damn real estate. wizard had moved a little. you know. eight square inches of niagara from. canada right down onto my face in. louisiana.

and i'm just bawling. uh just really just. just suffering honestly just. just just a lot of stuff i think from. just probably being young i don't know. and uh. and my mom she didn't say nothing she. didn't. come and put her hand on me or say. anything. so after a few minutes i've you know i. got myself together and uh. and i asked her i said well dang ma you.

know. i said it seemed kind of strange that. i'm sitting there really suffering. and um. and you didn't check on me you know. and. [Music]. and she said. oh i thought you were just really taken. aback by the gift that i got in you. and it was a nice gift there was like. some vitamins or you know some damn. vitamins or something it wasn't it was.

thoughtful not i'm not this isn't i'm. not judging my mother. uh and i'm not criticizing her. but. it just. i realize then there's just some. disconnect there's something where she. does she there's some inability for her. to express. the type of. affection or attention that i would need. from someone in that position.

and then it started hitting me that this. is the way it had always been my whole. life. my whole life i've been wanting. just somebody to be there when i. suffered or when i was hurting or. anything and nobody ever was when i was. a child there was no. you know i don't have any memories of. being hugged i don't have any of that. kind of stuff. from growing up. uh. ever.

you know and i'd always thought that. maybe if i do something if i behave a. certain way if i achieve a certain. achievement. then i'll get this will this. something would change in my. relationship. um. with my mother. um. [Music]. who's my biggest fan by the way i mean. she watches the podcast every week and. you know. and i love her for that.

uh. but. there's just some there was something. that there's some. and she even sent me a message. she texted me later and. and we spent time over the holidays. after that and stuff but it was just a. real telling moment for me that man all. my life this is how it had been and i. always thought there was something wrong. with me. but there's just some disconnect she. just probably no one had ever done it to. her.

when she was in pain or when she was. hurting. nobody had ever. taught her you know had been loving. towards her or whatever i don't know. but. anyway. uh. so that was like a wild you know that. was just a heavy moment and it was a lot. of things. it made me. realize that there was nothing i could. do anymore. to get. there was nothing on earth that i was.

going to be able to do to get my to get. what i needed from my mother and i'd. always thought there was. i'd always thought that i'd just get. [Music]. you know. even with comedy with with everything. i thought you know maybe. if i can get everybody in the world to. love me. then maybe i'll get my mother to love me.

and it's not that she doesn't she loves. me. it just. the elements that. that i need to be loved the way i need. to be loved or that a child does. no one probably maybe did them to her i. don't know i'm not judging her or. anything this isn't a judgment. um you know i'm not trying to talk bad. about her. but it just was uh. no one did i i don't know she doesn't. have that it's almost like a blind it is.

like a blind person they can't see she. can't. do it. she can't do it and it had never been. more evident to me and in my whole life. i'd never realized until that moment. where i'm sitting there and i am like. man i was just really. just bubbling. you know. and there was no reaction from her. um. or there was no.

i'm sure she was hurting for me but. there's just she doesn't have that thing. where. the ability to comfort. you know. i don't know and some of that i'm still. learning i don't know everything. but anyway so that was a wild thing you. know and that was a lot because then it. made me like a lot of anger. i was like man my whole life. this is how it had always been like. everything made so much sense to me now.

like. why i'd spent my whole life i'd always. become such good friends with my. girlfriend's mothers and with my friends. mothers and like i was always looking. for this. for this thing. for this connection that i just had. never had. never had. you know and it made me even think when.

i was a little kid that i probably was. really struggling and nobody was right. there you know. and maybe that my mother even saw me. struggling but didn't have the thing. inside whatever that is. and i don't think it's a choice that she. made i just think it's a it's some. it's like almost like a autism. um. it's like an emotional autism. um.

and i'm not judge you know i can't do. all this and like. you know there's part of me that'll. always be angry and stuff but i'm not. you know this isn't about being angry at. my mother. um. i can have that time but. it's like being angry at somebody who. can't uh. who can't eat chocolate or for not.

eating chocolate but they don't have a. um. a mouth or a tongue. and so you're sitting there just yelling. at them for not eating chocolate. but they don't have a mouth or a tongue. so anyway that's a lot of information i. didn't even know if i really wanted to. share that and i don't know uh. i don't know if it's the right thing to. share i never know what the right thing. to share is sometimes you know.

um. [Music]. but i'm just trying to tell you where. i'm at there's other i'll tell you other. great stuff i'm going to the super bowl. um. that's going to be exciting you know i'm. going to try to pop down to mardi gras. uh. but then so but i want to tell you a. little bit more about what happened but. also i got to tell you um. that. we got some uh tour dates i got to do oh. and i did in ayahuasca i did ayahuasca.

so that's where this kind of. heads to. and um. anyway i'll get into that in a second. but here we are right here we got this. the tour dates uh rockford illinois. february 25th chicago illinois february. 26th. lafayette indiana and tulsa oklahoma are. sold out. los angeles may 7th. and those will all be um. theovon.com. tour. and get your tickets through there don't.

go to these other. aftermarket sites they put a damn you. know they put some rockford fire skates. on it they put a dirty spoiler on it and. now they're selling you to ticket for a. thousand don't do that. um. [Music]. what do i want to tell you okay right. now we got to do this. if you're struggling with something. and you need some help. it can it can work for you better help. that's right. if there's something interfering with. your happiness.

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that's right and we'll help you. [Music]. so anyway that's i had a lot going on i. was going through step work i was uh. you know i was. uh doing really good therapy man i gotta. finally got a great therapist that i was. working with and. i was just having conversations that. were real because i could access my. feeling man my feelings had been like. goldilocks and. you know they'd been sleeping in my bed. but i wasn't home baby you know.

[Music]. my feelings had been. i mean it had just been this long game. of hide and go seek. and now they were right there but it was. also. dude i was having i mean i had. afternoons where i wanted you know. it was really tough. and there's some moments where it is. still tough. uh. but it was it was man it was really.

really tough there was moments man where. i didn't want to be a lot bro. there was moments where i didn't want to. be alive man honestly and i don't say. i'm not trying to be negative i'm not. trying to tell you that i don't. you know that i don't love myself or. anything but it just. it hurt. you know i've been on antidepressants. for 18 16 16 years. so.

i there was a lot of stuff. um. you know and i don't even know if i. should have shared that story about my. mom i've been. kind of wondering if i should have. shared it i don't want. i don't want. my mother to think that i don't love her. um.

but i just i do want to be able to share. what. go because all the all these years i'm. sharing about how my feelings are having. i'm having a tough time and then now i'm. able to get a moment where. oh i see what's going on here. i see why my all like why i uh. why every time i see like a woman smile. something about it make i have to. i need that. you know if it's you know.

why the attention of a woman it might. everything in me turns. i remember one night at the comedy store. uh. i think joey diaz had been up there bro. and he was down. he was on you know 7 000. he was on some. damn uh. you know he had he was wearing kneel. diamonds around his neck and he had damn. um. you know probably 80 000 millibursts or. whatever in him. of you know something magical.

he was just spinning baby he was up. there just neil armstrong and with no. helmet baby you know what i'm saying. he's that mars daddy bro he was nipping. on neptune. he was sitting on saturn baby he was out. there. diy moon landing dawg. um. and i remember i had a great. conversation with him we'd just been. chatting and having a nice time and. then i walked out on the porch and there. was this pretty there was this.

attractive girl. and. i tried to get her attention i couldn't. really get it and. i saw her a little bit later in the. evening and. and i tried to get her attention i just. i was afraid to approach her. and. uh. and then she. i don't know i started talking to. somebody and then they she left. and i was so.

the fact that she hadn't engaged with me. or meant to talk or just or that i. hadn't engaged with her something about. it. not but no blame on her but just the. fact that i wasn't brave enough to or. whatever something about that just that. i don't even know who i don't i have no. idea who she even was. but something about that moment i. remember that was a night this was years. ago but it was a night that i relapsed. it was a night where i just. i threw in the towels bruh [ __ ] i threw.

in a whole load of laundry dog. so it just shows me that there's like. it's something about affection. and a ten if if there's some necessity. necessary or necessary uh. not necessary but some need for an. attention. um. that has a profound effect on me and. always has always has. um. and now i could see why because i there.

was this thing that i was never getting. and when i saw it between my friends and. their moms when i saw i wanted to it. made sense why i moved out at 14 why i. got emancipated because. i needed something. you know i needed to be lo i needed to. be seen and i needed something. i needed something uh.

and this isn't i'm not i'm not. i don't need you to feel sorry for me. i don't need that. i'm just trying to share my story and. it's scary to even share it because i. don't even know exactly what my story is. but i'm just trying to share you know. the first question on this thing that i. wrote down is what uh or that the. producer wrote down possible topics of. discussion how did you spend your. january.

so. then i got ayahuasca. somebody i talked i don't know neil. brennan um. different people i was talking to had. done it. i got on the phone with aubry marcus and. he was telling me the. it just sounded so much like i needed. something different. and i needed something to look forward. to man because i didn't want to get back. on the antidepressants. uh.

and when ayahuasca came on you have to. be off antidepressant for 30 days. you got to have a 30-day reprieve baby. so i'm like oh my god i'm already been. off for like 40 days. i have to this is i got to do this. because the winner i'm cuz i'm thinking. about getting back on and i still am. because damn if i feel. like gene bruh. i feel like gene in the sun.

man i just realized that i feel like. damn gene. i was wondering man i i was wondering. why that story was coming into my head. wow sorry man i just i. that's how i felt.

being off antidepressants i was missing. my skin man. i was missing my skin. dude i remember i stopped at a damn. starbucks i was crying this was a crazy. moment i was sitting there my friend i. was like bro you got him i'm bawling on. the phone because all these fee all this. years worth of feeling. coming out just. anything. i see some dad walk across the parking. lot with his son and it just would. spiral me.

all these feelings that have been. trapped. behind this medication. and that might not be what it's like for. everybody this what it was like for me. but the craziest part i remember i. invited or one thing that was crazy i i. was. i was having a moment man and i had my. buddy meet me over at uh. my friend tim great guy. meet me at uh starbucks. he's like just meet me somewhere man. what's going on. and so i meet him and i'm like i'm just.

you know. [ __ ] i'm being a and it's not even on. being a little [ __ ] it's just this [ __ ]. would've been in me. so once you're off the medication it's. like somebody lights the fuse and it's. like the fourth of july but all the. fireworks. are old [ __ ] and like uh. they're all [ __ ] there's no fire i. mean they're fiery but then [ __ ] got. a lot of salt water in them baby there's. a lot of weird feelings you know. so i'm sitting there and i'm just. emoting to my friend tim and just.

telling what's going on and some guy. drives past his like kind of. bumper-to-bumper traffic because i'm. facing out from the starbuck on a. busy street. and he yells out he's like he honks home. he's like gang gang. and i look up at him and my face is just. riddled with tears man. but. anyway man uh. anyway so i wanted to do into ayahuasca.

so i signed up. i signed up man and um. and that was scary. i was excited about it because i had a. goal. because i didn't know how long i could. be out there off those meds without some. type of a goal. you know i was going to meetings every. day uh. and i'd really kind of isolated myself.

over the over the years in some ways. something inside of me i had made me. very angry. i was in conflict with a lot of people. i mean the reason i did all of this even. got off the meds and i was just. desperate. man i was desperate for something. different i couldn't honestly i couldn't. go on living. uh. i couldn't go on living like i was.

living. you know and that's scary to think man. when your life is going. i mean you look at my life it would seem. to anybody like man. and i i i was. in pain i don't know why. exactly i'm not sure. i'm still figuring it out. but i was in pain i was trying to be as.

grateful as i could. and um. but i didn't feel like myself anymore. i didn't feel as whimsical i didn't feel. as. i didn't feel like myself. oh. anyway. i don't know man you know i don't know. if i should have shared all this and. but i want to be able to share my truth.

you know and uh. and i got to realize sometimes my truth. is i see other people and they're doing. great they seem happy they're doing well. and this and that. and so i don't want to be me then. i want to be them. and so sometimes i don't share my truth. because. i guess because i i sometimes i don't. know what it is.

and sometimes i'm afraid that people. won't like it if i do share it. or they'll judge me or. and i don't want to be the person that's. always not feeling good that's what i. had also kind of become in some ways in. my in some ways. um. so. but that also propelled me to want to. get better but i just. uh.

i don't know everybody loved me and i. didn't love me. and not everybody but. a lot of people love me and i didn't. love me and i didn't know what was going. on um. so i got to i got to the ayahuasca baby. and damn bro. damn boy. mother nature's got some hard tits baby. and she breaks them out. and she'll put dude. mother nature break out of damn penis.

and let you slur i mean she really. she'll let you slurp on it dawg i mean. i'm just saying it is ayahuasca is like. it's going to god's garage baby. it's going to god's garage. i didn't know i had no idea. i had no idea man what it was going to. be like.

and i did the [ __ ] hell dude some people. go to damn china or you know not china i. mean they're doing. whatever. they're doing the damn cough bad or. whatever over there they're sucking on. but um. aye y'all. i did. yeah i mean the place some people go to. chile or. costa rica. you know foreign honduran somewhere. you know. i went right off the interstate man.

in los angeles i mean this you could. almost hear the cars going by sometimes. and it was with a group it was with a. really uh renowned group. and that and i it came highly trusted. from a couple friends. and uh and so i went i signed up. and you go in there and everybody you're. in this big circle and every they have a. bunch of altars kind of built with all. these different little. it doesn't feel wick and it's just about.

like doing nate just like really getting. back all the gods are on the altars all. the most famous gods anyway um. you know. uh. yeah all the famous gods are on there. and so you know there's that and then. just you take the you drink one meta you. drink another and i didn't know anybody. there. that's how desperate i was there was. another one that was like 10 days later. and i was like i don't know if i can get. to 10 days later. without either getting back on.

medication or uh. or just i don't know if i can go i just. don't want to wait. i don't want to wait. and uh. so yeah bro so i you know i took it and. you're sitting there and it's really. like a meditative thing. to me it seems like a meditative. meditation additive. because you're kind of sitting there.

and i'm trying to think more about. oh. and they're playing beautiful music i. mean damn. like somebody stole uh. jesus christ or gabriel's playlist or. whatever they somebody snagged it. you know like somebody beat you know. like somebody squeezed uh. beethoven's eardrums right into the. speakers i mean they're just. they're playing beautiful music.

and uh. and. and yeah and you're sitting there and. then this you kind of start to meditate. and the next thing you know your. meditation kind of just goes to a new. place and man. i started crying i started emoting tears. just i mean. just damn like i was a dispensary like i. was uh you know a suboxone clinic and. i'm just this shit's just dripping out. of my face maybe like methadone this. [ __ ] is just.

i mean people just kept pressing the. serving button. and i'm just. like when you do that extreme wash at. the car wash and that they you know the. big blasters come on bam bam bam bam bam. bam that's what i was that's where i was. at. and my just tears just flowing out of me. just grief years of just. grief coming out of me. and little things start to come up it's. like honestly it's like god just kind of.

tells you the truth in a way. in a comfortable way though. it's like a best friend you always. wanted kinda. and i just started re just certain. things came up in. inside of me and that were really real. things um. certain moments and memories uh. um. dude yeah and i would go drink water. like three or four glasses of water and. then i wouldn't even have to pee later. and i'd get thirsty again because i was.

just bawling i mean just like. some realizations people that i needed. to make amends to. you know uh. an ex-girlfriend came up in it and it. told me that oh you know i really had uh. neglected that relationship for myself. part of me wanted me to try harder in. that relationship things like that where. you're like oh wow. it's almost like your heart gets to talk.

and your heart says like hey. i really this i really wanted. uh this happened. um. and you really are talking you start to. talk to like this inner child you this. is how this this part sounds wild to. some people but. you start realizing that there's this. like the young you the little you. is always been inside of you and alive.

and. yeah it was i mean it was powerful man. it was real powerful. oh. i'll tell you a little bit more about it. let me think more what i can tell you. about it and if you have questions you. can always hit the hotline 985-664-9503. um. um. here i got to do uh these other ads man. and then i'll tell you a little bit more. about what happened man oh. i'ma let you know about upstart.

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website there's no cancellation fees no. hidden fees ever. free revamps unlimited updates it's 249. a month after the initial cost. we use it and we love it modify.com theo. um. the ayahuasca was really i mean it was. just you're sitting in a circle and. people are bombing. people are emoting they're sharing you. know like sometimes people are laughing. you're just going through.

it's like your heart and your brain and. god serve up things that. i don't know all types of things. um. man i'm trying to put it into words it's. really hard. uh. and the music is so beautiful your brain. will just go off on like your heart will. really just go off on a tangent it's. almost like your heart gets a. brain um.

and there was some different things i. realized i realized that if i. well i realized a couple of a couple of. kind of sad things popped up like one. was that. at some point when i was a child i. wanted to be a girl. uh because i thought if i was a girl. then maybe somebody would love me. you know um.

and that come it bubbles up and it's. like it's such a real. when i realized that it broke my heart. because it's sad to think that. it's sad to think that there's a child. out there who. thinks that maybe the thing that's wrong. with them is what everything that they. are. you know and at some point in myself i. thought that about myself. i thought that at my very core my. masculinity. that i was wrong i was.

broken or whatever. um. or that if i if my if maybe if i was a. different gym if i had been a woman then. maybe my. parents would love me or whatever. whatever i needed would be provided. uh. and that so things like that will come. up and it's such a real thing that's hid. there's no way it couldn't be the truth. it's so it just grips you. and that was really heartbreaking so. things like that come up and you're kind.

of grieving them. so i'm just sitting there bawling and. i'm kind of suffering you just kind of. cry in silence like and everybody in a. circle is doing it. so it's not like. uh. and then there's these people that are. like angels that are like there's a. shaman sorry this isn't it's not like. everybody's just like on a zoom you know. we're listening to some you know a book. on tape there's a shaman.

and he's like kind of leading the charge. and. man it was amazing. it was amazing and then there's these. moments where if you really are. suffering and the shaman i guess sees it. they have these these workers that are. with the sham and he sends them over to. be there with you. and i remember one time i looked up and. there was this there was a young woman. sitting there with me and just sitting. and they don't say anything. they just sit with you.

and. when that happened i bro dude i on i. mean it was like man. i really unloaded because. all my life. i just wanted somebody to be there with. me. while i. hurt. i just didn't want to hurt alone. i didn't need somebody telling me what.

to do i didn't need somebody telling me. how to feel i didn't need somebody. telling me what would what i could have. done better. so that i wouldn't have been feeling the. way i did. which is probably what i got. i got a lot of growing up i got a lot of. you need to do these chores you need to. do this you need to do these things you. need to take care of yourself. but i never got any of the. i'm here for you. no matter what.

i never got an ounce of it. so when this person came and sat there. then i blew up again i'm like oh my god. all i ever wanted was somebody to be. there with me. while i. wasn't feeling good. and so it's not even adult stuff it's. just lit moments from childhood that are. just trapped in you. and a lot of those with the ayahuasca. baby then things come ripping i mean. they are they're like fireworks they. come ripping out of you what is this.

plant. god dang. sorry got a fake plan here saying 119. and this [ __ ] won't leave me alone. here. get away from me. um. so man it was just powerful it was a lot. there was a lot of things there's things. i'm even embarrassed to even say man.

um. you know because i don't want to sound. like a wimp. ah. and that's okay you know uh. you know one thing i've noticed about. myself my whole life i've shared. i've just i've needed affection i've. needed some. attention i've needed people to care. because i didn't have it and so. anything has been negotiable for me in a. weird way over my life.

and some of this i want to share because. i know there's a lot of guys out there. that kind of struggle with similar stuff. that i do. you know i see it in their eyes when we. meet after the shows or we meet before. the shows or. people that come up to me and say hey. you know i see it. i don't think i'm a rare case in the. world or nothing like that um. you know. and look i know that a lot of this is. all over the place it's it's still all.

over the place for me. that was about two three weeks ago and. i'm going again in a week and a half. to do it again. um. i've had friends tell me that they did. it a certain number of times and then. they never needed to do antidepressants. again. i don't know if i'll be able to get. there. you know i think uh. you know i don't know i'm trying.

so. um that would be nice. but if not then maybe i'll i'll have to. get back on something and that's okay. too none of this is a judgment if. anybody's on a pill or anything look. part of me still doesn't know of whether. if i should have just got onto a. different pill or something but. i don't know if i had another choice the. the pain in sodomy was. it was coming out of me it was. breaking through it was like i was angry.

i was miserable and. and i don't know if if i'll be able to. fix myself i don't know. but. i feel like i'm out here i feel like. literally whenever they drop that. astronaut off on the machine up there. whatever it is some satellite and he's. gotta fix it or whatever they give him a. wrench or whatever that's how i feel. i feel like i'm out. trying to fix. this.

you know uh. but i'm now working with another. therapist i'm doing emdr therapy. um. and i try to when i look back in my. history i've tried a lot of stuff to. feel better i've tried a lot of recovery. i've tried different 12-step programs. i've tried. ketamine. i've tried yoga i've tried different. medications i've tried uh. like a. gut biome thing like. um.

uh. so i'm proud of myself for trying. i'm proud of myself for trying bro. you know i'm no soft boss dawg another. thing i got into in the past month was. uh jujitsu. and that's been helping. that's been helping because you know i. never had a father growing up and this. isn't a woe is me there's people's. stories out there that are oh. that are really harrowing.

but the only story i have is my own. um. [Music]. and it's okay if my life doesn't fit you. know. everybody whatever every other people. are doing you know. i can't. pretend anymore i'm not where i'm at. you know um. because it's not fair to me either.

it's not fair to me either to not to per. to be somewhere that i'm not really at. sometimes um. um. so yeah i mean a lot of other stuff on. the ayahuasca like your. your inner child is right there so you. see all these things you you did as a. kid to set yourself up for success. so one thing i realized was like as an.

adult if like as a child i took a lot of. l's like i set myself up like i went. through a lot of. grueling moments by myself. so i could be successful later. and so. i'm living my childhood his dreams i'm. living my those are my kids dreams that. i'm living right now. they're not really my adult dreams. they're my. but my childhood dreams i'm living his. dreams.

and when i look at that it gives it puts. my life in a little bit of a different. space. um. it makes me really proud of who i was as. a kid. which. is different for me because i never felt. proud. all i ever felt was if i do something. different. or what can i do differently to be loved.

that's all i ever felt. so then the only way i developed any. sense of myself was by reactions to what. i did. so if i started getting loved by people. then that's who i was. i was. whatever.

i was whatever it. i needed to be to be loved. and somewhere along the way some of me. didn't really develop because i didn't. know who i was. i don't know if i felt safe to be out in. the world i'll probably. you know. i'm sure at a really young age it wasn't. real i didn't feel safe. i felt like whoever i was.

it wasn't okay to be that because i. wasn't getting the return that i needed. um and it was a lot of pressure on my. mother my dad was you know a senior said. he was always he wasn't around and that. was very scary and. you know a lot of [ __ ] like that but i i. i'm not trying to get into all that. again but um. but yeah so i'm just kind of on this.

journey i'm still in the middle of it. oh. and yes sometimes i'm ashamed i'm not. ashamed i just. it's scary for me to share some of it uh. because i'm scared i think of what. people think. i don't i you know.

which is what i've always been my whole. life. probably. i'm scared of what people think of me. if i'm myself you know. but some cool you know a lot of neat. stuff and a lot of adventurous stuff and. you know because i would like to be able. to have a family i want to be able to. fall in love one day and and have a. family and some of that. you know a lot of this old [ __ ] keeps me. from doing that it keeps me.

and i don't want to do it and then not. you know anything can happen who knows. if a relationship could do well but i. don't want to. i don't know i just noticed these spaces. in my life where it's hard for me. it's really hard for me um. and one of them is in relationships and. jujitsu has been cool because i get to. go there and and people help me. you know it's like.

i can be vulnerable and be like i don't. underst i don't know what i'm doing in. this moment in this physical moment. and instead of somebody ju you know like. sure somebody gonna tap me out. somebody tapped my little ass out bro. damn i mean dude. one guy put me on like a damn clip on. tie the other day but damn. some dude put me on like a damn uh. cummerbund that dude had me he was. headed to prom bro. and i was an accoutrement that dude. freaking wore me down.

but um. but. there's moments in there where. a guy will help me do something. without judging me or without uh. giving me any energy that i'm not good. enough. and i never had that in my life i didn't. have no father i didn't have never had. that.

you know when i was talking with uh with. dustin the other day with poirier and he. i was telling him that i said man it's. just such a magical type of thing and he. said man i know exactly what you're. talking about. so i know that there's a lot of dudes in. there uh. you know and i'm okay man one of my. strongest muscles is my is my is my. heart. you know and i've always been that guy. where i got you know. i got tears in my eyes but barbell's in. my hands bro. that's always been who i am and i'm not.

ashamed of that um. but that's been really cool man that's. been fun it's been fun for me to be in a. place where i feel safe. uh. and also not safe at the same time bro. and i tapped a couple clowns out baby. that fred astaire boy i put it on him. dawg that hard scarf. some little piglet some little pork chop. i [ __ ] put him in a [ __ ] deep. fryer dog. praise god. um. this show isn't all about me this has.

been a lot. uh. there's more stuff. um. i want to get into just quickly into the. news. the beijing winter olympics hit by. deluge of complaints from athletes. freezing conditions they're complaining. about. [ __ ] it's the winter olympics. you can't complain about freezing. conditions. if you do in.

the winter olympics. that's like. being at a hooker house and complaining. that. somebody's touching your neck. okay. you can't. you know what i'm saying like they got. what else they saying uh. they've been served the same thing five. days in a row for breakfast lunch and. dinner [ __ ] that's chyna. have you been to china i was on a train. in china a girl opened up a bag of.

bird feet. and ate them. betcha. and guess what. she was a [ __ ] hot chick. so you're in a place where hot [ __ ]. is eating bird feets. do you know that. did you google china [ __ ]. go get find something in your house.

that's falling. apart that's china dawg. that's china. okay that's what we sold america for. so don't be shocked when you go to china. and [ __ ] gets china. [ __ ] gonna get china in china. the big air ski jump at the olympics. looks like it's set next to a nuclear. power plant.

it is dog. it don't look like it it is baby. get that huff off the air baby that's. god trying to gas you up son. if you think you could jump far regular. imagine if you got that nuclear. in your son you might jump your way all. the way into a [ __ ] dirty bat cage. baby. it's china dog. china going to china. you can't be in china and be shocked.

when [ __ ] gets china. come on man damn. behind the skiers launching themselves. at the 60 meter high foot ramp are. furnaces tall chimney stacks and cooling. towers yeah. uh. yeah [ __ ] that scenery [ __ ]. that's scenery. dude that is damn scenery bro. bro i remember one time when i was.

growing up dude we had a bike ramp right. and the best place for it. in our area was right by this. pedophile's house. which he got to sit there and watch us. you know he's sitting there over there. like he had a damn delicatessen bro. he picking [ __ ] future touches out of. his teeth. but. that's the location of the deal. so you can't be shot man if you go to. china and [ __ ] gets chinatic.

you can't be shocked man. y'all complaining too much y'all. supposed to be olympians. bruh. [Music]. y'all could handle this if y'all. olympians y'all could handle it. male arrived 75 years late to new jersey. home well that sounds like the mail dog. have you even been to the mail.

shock wanda back there. you give her the thing you say overnight. that [ __ ] shows up. in a decade dog. have you even driven by a po the [ __ ] is. crazy now. this [ __ ] is crazy in there. a bunch of bird houses people selling. bird cages out front. they doing nails in there now dude my. buddy opened up his mailbox the other. day put his foot in the thing and. somebody in the back painted his nails. bruh.

that's the us postal system. that [ __ ] is gone. that [ __ ] is gone dawg. and if you look we'll i'll cut to this. clip right now from the andrew uh. uh schultz episode if you want to know. more about it here we go. u.s postal system [ __ ] is right it's 50. 50. remember trump tried to fix it and. then america was like stop.

this doesn't work and they're like stop. there and he was like he's like no you. understand like it's just handed it to a. black guy and maybe he brings it and. then they're like stop. trying to make it better you [ __ ]. what the [ __ ] are you thinking he's like. but maybe there's a better system even. for them like we could give them an. address or something to get your postage. to and america was like [ __ ]. you. for wanting us to get our mail. piece of [ __ ] yeah are you crazy guy.

dude the anxiety do you think a white. male [ __ ] traveling around the. country anymore this [ __ ] has to stop. dude but just imagine being that poor. black guy they just give you a satchel. full of [ __ ] and he like do you know. where where any of this should go. deliver it. yeah but i was just wondering if if i. should. should know where is there like a route. and there you. go uh.

let's get a couple of voicemails that. came in from you guys man this show's. about you as well 985-664-9503. and uh. yeah thank you guys for listening man i. i don't know what that you know. i don't know. i don't know. but. that's kind of what happened man in the. ayahuasca was just. it. relieved so much it just. it feels like there's an opportunity for. some real relief. i could see it being one of the.

greatest things that happens for people. in the future uh for getting better. i really could um but that's also with. me try this is early. you know i'm gonna try it again and. we'll see what's up. um. what else. who do we got right here let's hit one. what's up theo this is michael and i got. my girlfriend hannah. she's right here next to me. what's up michael what's up hannah thank. you guys for the call baby we just got. done at the jacksonville show we're.

actually driving back right now. and that was actually our first comedy. show man we've ever been to it was like. the best experience ever. and we just want to say thank you for. hanging around taking pictures with. everybody it means the world to us man. we don't really get to see many people. like you. but uh yeah man gang gang. gang gang baby thank you guys man. yeah at some shows i tried my best to to. pop out and sometimes it's a you know. it's a i'm exhausted i'm just. socializing exhausts me.

um i think i've needed a break for a. long time and. and even though i just took a break it. was also a lot of work this break was a. lot of emotional work bro oh. but anyway man i'm grateful i got to see. you guys and yeah it was it's fun dude. uh. and those shows were good man. because it took so long to get to. florida because dark arts tour started. in florida. so.

that material i think the show is 90 now. new stuff. um for there. but now some places you know we added in. stuff so it's always a little different. but uh but yeah man that was magical. we're gonna make another run through. florida soon to some different cities. and um. yeah i'll put some other stuff on the. books uh. gang baby leave me here here's another. call that came in. hey ceo what's up man my name is justin. i'm a big fan. finally got to see you in orlando this.

weekend and you absolutely crushed it. i appreciate uh introducing me to maddie. smith she was hilarious she had us. pulled out of our seats and then you. came in and just uh finished us off no. homo. anyways i wanted to make a comment um. your peers brandon brian i think some. other comedians they kind of [ __ ] on. orlando a little bit and uh i don't. think that they've ever gotten the real. experience but anyways i thought maybe. you could uh. give orlando a good word and maybe get.

some of your your friends to give it. another shot. well look. when you go there and do champion [ __ ]. like i showed up and did you have a. different experience. if you showing up doing mediocre stuff. dawg if you out there peddling uh you. know. uh. you know thick biscuit recipes or. whatever then boy you know or [ __ ]. alopecia treatments or whatever them. boys came to town to do i don't know. but we showed up and put the roll.

in rock dawg. we showed up and did it right is orlando. weird yes it's weird okay it's really. weird there's a lot of sunlight there's. disney. it's a you know it's a great you know. there's long the days are longer there a. little bit it's a pedophiles you know. it's the produce section for a pedophile. fresh as it gets baby so. it is weird bruh but. damn we gave it hell baby.

uh all right let's get another call that. came in man. theo what's good man uh. struggling a bit right now. you know i looked to you. and looked up to you. when i was getting clean. and given up uh. giving up that space of the dark arts. you know what i mean and not letting it. control my life anymore. um. and i guess just. and needed to vocalize it man and i'm.

beating myself up a lot i. feel like i felt my kids my wife again. but. i uh. i relapsed. the other day um. not sure what to make of it uh guilt. shame and. you know everything else that falls in. line when that that happens man and uh. you know. if you had any instances like this you. know. they could share.

kind of what it was that they got you. over that hump and made you not even if. you had this one flip up you know what. yeah brother thank you for the call man. and yeah i think just sharing it with. someone. so you're not feeling you're for just. for yourself you share your feelings now. you got more than one person. carrying the load um. i uh. yeah i've relapsed man a bunch.

i've fallen back i've tried i've not. even known if certain programs are for. me and i've restarted the programs you. know um. i just got through. nine steps in one program man and had to. start over. um. you know uh. it's. it's a journey man. it's a journey you know what is not you. know. you're you're never gonna tell your wife.

or kids or think to them that you didn't. try you're not trying. so. i don't know the only thing i know is. that that the i do believe that those. programs work um. and. and. it's okay. i'm not like uh. i don't want to condone you not giving. it your best effort but you can only. give it what you're willing to give it. you know people get better when they're. able to get better and when they're.

ready to get better and. um. and i'm sorry man i'm sure it probably. hurts that you. are having to start over uh or have had. to and. um. [Music]. but you're not a bad guy. you know. and. you're not alone. [Music]. so. yeah just try again. if you feel like trying again.

you know. um. i just want you to be happy. you know i just want you to live in a. space where you're happy. and i just want your sibling your kid. you know i don't want if you have kids. man i don't want you to miss out on them. you know. [Music]. one thing i do want you to do i whenever. you spend time with your kids man i want. you to. look them in the eyes. you know be there with them.

let them know you love every single. thing about them. let them know you love every single. thing about them. even if you got a name every single. thing don't name the freaking. you know penis or you know what i'm. saying don't name like the dirty parts. but they're not dirty but don't name the. crotch. but you know what i'm saying you know. name the things about him you love name. the characteristics about them you love. get that in them.

get that in them man. but look man you sound capable. and i appreciate you sharing what's. going on with you and not just keeping. it to yourself and uh. it's a journey bro. don't beat yourself up. but lift yourself up. if you can and uh. and if you need help ask for it. you know dude i'm getting some my. calendar this week i'm angry because i. got to go to so much therapy right now. and [ __ ] but that's okay.

i don't you know it's a weird time in. the world. it's a weird time in existence in in in. humanity. i'm a [ __ ] warrior dog. and you are too man you got this [ __ ]. gang baby. um let's hear one more hey brother uh. past month i. lost a best friend. um. aod's on feteno.

[Music]. cocaine laced with fentanyl. and. i guess i just. want to know. you know have you ever dealt with any of. these. how did you deal with it how did your. friends deal with it. he's a hell of a man dude. i love him to death [ __ ] that. yeah i don't know how they making. fentanyl dude you know chinese. toothpaste some people say they call it. i don't know what it is i don't know. much about it.

but uh. but yeah dude it's scary i've had a lot. of friends overdose in the past few. years. um in the past two years i think six or. seven. uh. you know. um it's heartbreaking. it's heartbreaking that that's where we. are in the space of humanity where. that's how much we love each other that. there's things like this out there.

it's heartbreaking that we are. feeling broken as human beings. um. we may realize in the future that the. diversion out of like being tribes and. out of the woods and into society was a. total. wrong move and we may end up back in. [Music]. you know in the trees man. um. i don't know. oh.

but it is scary man i'm sorry for your. loss. i'm sorry for your loss there was a guy. who used to do the audio for this. podcast named sherb and he took care of. the audio for a long time and. uh and he the same thing happened to him. he overdosed uh on some bad pill or. something and. i still think about him it breaks my. heart. i don't really know an answer. you know but i appreciate you sharing. and letting us think about your friend.

with you for a second. um. and just be good to yourself man. i bet that's what he would want you to. do. you know when uh and just we got to. battle the dark arts dog. that tour may be over but they they are. out there. we're all doing something i jerked off. yesterday brother and i'm not comparing. that to fentanyl but. you know. it really kills my dick when i do it i.

feel like. but. anyway man god bless you god bless. everybody thank you guys for being a. part of my life uh and thanks for. listening to this podcast um. as always you can hit the hotline. 985-664-9503. uh. [Music]. what else dude you know i support joe. rogan i think that that i think he's. just a nice i think. i've never known a guy that was more. curious and just tried to communicate we.

live in a scary it's interesting out. there how do we battle it i don't know. we'll get into it more in the future um. but uh. what else do we have here. um. yeah let's do this man this is uh. i love this song uh. let's take it away right now this is uh. do more good by the cordovas um.

[Music]. thank you guys for being a part of my. life and really truly thank you for the. support. i know some of y'all came out to those. shows even if. you know. when the tours were switching over and. even if. you know some of you might not even like. comedy. and you just came out to show love and. uh. and i appreciate that. and i want to thank you thank you for. loving me. and um.

i can't thank you enough. and uh. i'm thankful to my mother for putting me. on the earth. and uh and to my father for putting me. on the earth. and um. i uh. i um. i'm grateful uh. to be out here battling you know. we keep going baby we don't stop. gang gang dog. gang gang. oh that's the wrong song.

we're the young and the sick and the. cold ones just long get out of control. the ones that are calm. and the ones that'll fold. and everyone standing round the table. [Music].

those who have lived with their feet to. the fire and forgave. [Music]. gonna.

[Applause]. [Music]. [Music]. the those and the prideful the peaks and. the eyefuls the ones that just waited.

their dreams are all styled for the. roasts too afraid to admit they've been. lied to martyrs. [Music]. that goes double for you. [Music]. you're gonna do.

gonna do more good gonna talk less [ __ ]. i don't know if i'll talk less [ __ ] but. gang gang baby be good to yourselves man. um. you deserve it.