Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #401

we have new be good to yourself teas in. summertime colorways like banana salmon. and more check them out at. theovonstore.com baby get that hitter. today's guest is back for her third time. um we've had some real moments. and um and she has a new special coming. up on hbo called good clean filth. uh i am i really i loved this.

conversation and i think you're gonna. love it too. uh it is my friend comedian miss nikki. glazer. [Music]. shine that light on me. i'll sit and tell you my story. [Music].

just. all right. nikki glazer good to see you good to see. you too theo vaughn yeah being alive how. what's going on. just in town you know. yeah doing press stuff like that got a. special coming out oh you do have boy. island two also coming out.

okay right and so both of those are on. netflix uh hbo okay max. yeah oh yeah they're back like i didn't. plan it this way but um. my special was supposed to come out in. march i shot it in november and i don't. know about you but like i can't. watch myself ever. i hate looking at myself so the editing. process was so. tedious and i put it off so much that it. had to be pushed to july because i. couldn't get it edited in time because i. couldn't watch myself it's i literally.

was like frozen have you ever felt that. way about watching your stand up. yeah i always i mean i feel sometimes. like i don't. it's just such a tough way to capture. stand up and to try and get it right. in a. like in a or just get the exact thing. you want in a night um even though you. get two chances for some reason i make. the state same mistakes twice and you go. why couldn't i just. i've done it the way i always do it it's. like.

it's um i never but i never listen to. myself and i never watch myself after. that's why i like stand up you just do. it and then you like it was live. if anyone like calls you one like oh. this thing you did wasn't good you can. go well in my head it was there's no. proof of like. you can't analyze it. yeah i get oh i think there's. i think there's well that's something. that i felt like was always nice about. everything you know. like. you used to never.

be able to analyze everything it was. like. you know i think about this sometimes. like a moment used to have so much value. like there's no real. like a moment feels like it doesn't have. value anymore like a real moment because. like if it's not captured it it started. to feel like hey don't capture this but. it used to be like hey don't capture. this this is important this is like. you know put your cameras away yeah and. now it's like hey let's not have this. conversation until we get rolling yeah.

like we just sat in silence here like we. didn't want to have any kind of any. friendship and no there was like a a. nice greeting and then it was like let's. just save it. but there's something nice about that. because we want to be. we want it to be genuine we want people. to see like what is really going on. right like us we want to save our our. actual energy so people can see okay. this is when they really started talking. because you and i didn't talk about i. stood up i gave you a hug yeah you sat. down. and then we waited yeah and then we. waited it's like we wait until.

okay i did like a meditation kind of for. however like it was like a minute really. kind of just. yeah because on the way over i was. planning on doing a meditation then i. get lost in my phone. and so i had a couple seconds while the. tvs were being set everything was set up. and i just was like just focus on your. breathing i did with my eyes open. obviously because that would be weird. but do that hard kegel baby push some. freaking just tense up everything like. oh yeah. like just i don't i don't know what i. did but i just centered myself and i was. just like whatever happens happens.

and don't regret anything you say it. happened for a reason anything you don't. say. it was meant to not be said all that. [ __ ]. yeah it gets scary i used to feel less. scary about podcasting and then i think. i started to just get in my head so much. me too yeah. wait why. hmm we should be more free i know cause. we have more people watching. yeah you know i don't know what it is i. think some yeah someone probably became. that some of it could have been ego for. me i don't or fear. you know because i think ego is really.

ego is just like. fear in like a nice cape with a comb. yeah you know um. but what's your fear like what's your. fear with podcasting if you could kind. of. pinpoint what's the what's the thing you. have now what's your like biggest fear i. always like to do that like okay what's. my biggest fear okay then what happens. and then what happens oh yeah i think. it's that people sho all your life you. know i think you want you know. even if you don't realize that you're. seeking as a comedian maybe you're. seeking validation and then they show up.

and you're afraid they're gonna leave. you know yes or they're gonna look. closely and go oh wait this is not. what i thought it was yeah this is yeah. yeah this guy's a perv or this guy's a. you know yeah loiterer yeah a what. loiterer. just hanging out. oh yeah dude i used to do a ton of. lawyer and that was a big thing in our. area because they didn't have a lot to. do. so those signs were directed at you. because i always wondered who's just. loitering like what does it even mean. soliciting loitering those signs i never.

really understood we didn't solicit i. admire the solicitors at least they had. they were making money. yeah we was out there [ __ ] middling. around bro just freaking feeling our. penis between our legs you know or not. feeling not touching it but just you. know we were just out there just you. know just seeing what the wind had to. say you know just out there just milling. around like you kind of stand in front. of the post office and act like you. [ __ ] owned it or something just. [ __ ] yeah and no phones i mean. that's what loitering no phones just.

staring into the air. yes. yeah what did we do i know that's like a. very cliche question nowadays but what. did we do. when we were waiting for something. well you know it's interesting because. i'll notice sometimes i'll have feelings. like if i go eat by myself sometimes. i'll leave my phone in the car now and. it's like all right dude i'm just gonna. see what god wants you know what i'm. saying baby i'm gonna be out there you. know i'm gonna be out of here. in mother nature's laundromat but you. know what i'm saying with no coins you.

know i'm gonna see what could happen i. can see doing that with a friend but. like by yourself and what do you what do. you do well here's the part that feels. crazy the crazy part is. when you think okay if other people look. over here. and i'm just. thinking or looking into space. i now seem like a s like a crazy person. yeah i seem like someone oh that guy's. not. that guy's not doing well that guy is. just got kicked out of the church it's.

that kind of look you know like oh why. would a man be eating by himself with no. phone with no phone unless he was. um unless he didn't know about phones or. he lost someone he wasn't you know. he couldn't fiscally afford to keep his. phone yeah and but you're nicely dressed. too which is confusing as well because. no phone should match a different look. and that's where then i think people go. oh he was with the church he got let go. and he's sitting here in shame um or. just got out of prison.

yeah maybe i don't i don't i hard to get. a phone. i i don't think i have that look no but. you fee that's when i notice i'm like oh. my god if i sit here. what is the feeling is it a feeling that. i'm missing out or that um. no it's that that doesn't feel normal. anymore no and that used to feel real. normal yes. you know the chinese pull this up. zachary the chinese um. if you. take their picture they get angry at you.

what do you mean like just. like a stranger no something more like. do china. want us taking their picture do. china yeah do the chinese there we go. like getting their picture taken yeah. let's [ __ ] be realistic. okay. [Music]. well i understand not wanting your. picture taken if you don't know it i. used to do that on on. the subway oh that's interesting then. why do chinese people take photos. everything i remember just being in.

china i wonder if maybe it was malaysia. and we tried to take a picture and they. said no and i remember our teachers. would teach us that they don't like. their picture take cause it captures. the soul who believes that picture. taking captures the soul mate there you. go that's that's the good. who believes. pictures capture the soul. damn kind of close to malaysian but not.

but do you feel like over time okay. yeah. and the mayans who knows what they were. you ever see do you ever see a picture. of yourself where you don't know what's. being taken and you have just a look. where you're like whoa i that my soul is. in that where you just have like a dead. look that just a moment that captures. like really what you're feeling in that. moment. like you just you don't know like um. where it's just uh i think we have these. things i've learned about it in some. class i took once where i was paying. attention and um you have flashes.

we as humans need to communicate and. they're. like microseconds long but it will show. i could be like smiling in such a good. mood if i'm in a bad mood you for a. flash you'll see my real truth of like. discomfort or. anger or whatever it is and it's just a. quick flash but it's enough to send the. person that you're talking to the. message without them actually knowing. that you did it um and sometimes those. pictures catch that but mine's usually. just like a dead stare just like. yeah just kind of sad kind of a sadness. do you get sad. i mean who doesn't.

oh yeah i spent too much time getting. sad i realized i realized i was getting. sad and then i was. uh. getting stuck in my own sadness you know. i was like. why am i sad i was asking that too much. instead of just doing things to not be. sad man i was just about to ask you what. makes you sad so i don't know if you. want to answer that but like you've. given a lot of thought like what's. something that'll go. trigger it and go. you know spiral. we see something. loneliness i think probably.

uh getting older sometimes seeing people. with families if i don't have a family. that kind of stuff sometimes. you know like. uh but then you really like kind of look. at that you know and you're like oh that. kid's going to prison in [ __ ] seven. years like i do not want little jonathan. you know that's. um yeah but i do think it's interesting. how it's like almost that we. like even friendships now it's like. recorded and put out people it's like. i wonder if in like 20 years people will.

listen back and like oh listen to these. friendships on tape you know oh yeah. it'll be like or you know oh wow let's. go listen to some friendships like or. like human like if podcasting if it gets. to the point where humans don't interact. anymore oh yeah. what does it sound like when they used. to talk to each other yes or what is it. like um oh what about a hug let's go. look at some old videos of people. hugging. you know or somebody tickling somebody. you know oh my god do you like being. tickled.

i don't mind it dude but when i was. growing up they had uh i miss tickling. tickling was such a part of childhood. getting pinned down yeah i used to love. doing it i used to look like there's. something about. it's though it's the worst feeling in. the world and a lot of the porn. sometimes when i'm watching porn. there'll be like tickling videos and i. have no interest in that it's not like a. sexual thing but i guess it's a whole. genre of porn the tickling stuff yeah it. relates like just people tied up being. like. like laughing girls oh yeah i hate it.

what now what do what do you think you. um. what do you think you don't like about. tickling i mean i used to love it as a. kid because i think it was probably just. like touch. yeah like it was just like i i don't. think i got enough as a kid i really. didn't i. my mom hates when i say this on things. but i just don't think i got enough. human touch yeah so i think i liked when. me and my cousins or me and my sister. would tickle i would used to love to. like wrestle i just wanted like to be. touched and like someone trying to get. me. yeah yeah tickling felt like somebody i.

think was gonna be able to like uh i. think it started to feel like when does. it end it's almost too much. yes it's too it feels too exciting. there's a mix of like it feels too. exciting. i'm gonna [ __ ] i think there's a little. bit of that oh yeah you might like fart. yeah something like that like somebody's. gonna get the truth out of me like yeah. oh yeah a sound or something's going to. come out of you laugh why do we laugh. with tickling why is that it's so weird. i think i it's that a sound's going to. come out of me that i don't want someone.

to hear that i didn't create so. vulnerable. i guess that's really vulnerable yeah it. i do compare it though to i always used. to say. that tickling was like masturbation in. the sense that if someone else does it. to me i'm laughing i can't i can't. control it but if i do it to myself. really i feel stupid i'm just like i see. it coming i think part of sex is like or. part of being turned on or. is the unexpected ooh. you know what i mean so i i now i don't.

struggle with it as much but like i. never really understood why people how. people could masturbate and not. see it coming and in the same way that. like this doesn't do anything to me but. if anyone would do this to me i'd be. like da like i would how is that because. i can predict it. so reservation i'm like i can't i know. what's gonna happen here. yeah masturbation gets kind of uh. masturbation really runs its course you. know i met this guy one time at a. library and she had she didn't have any. fingers on one of her hands she had like. a. um.

i don't know what it was called a nub. yeah but it was more almost like when. you do uh crab legs and you get all the. go on you take all the legs off the. crabs and it's almost like a little just. like the. hand meaty part it was like that thing. that thor has now i just saw it the. other day. what is it i just saw the movie though. that super hammer. yeah this gal had a real super hammer on. her and uh bring up tom dempsey too if. you can bring him up he's a famous guy. what is what does this have to do with. masturbation. well so i remember i met this guy at the.

library and then we wanted to get. together bring him up there you go met a. girl at the library when is this theo. this was nine years ago okay. i love that it's not 10. but that's tom dempsey right there is. he's got that freaking hammer look at. that claw hammer. zoom in on that hoof baby that's crazy. he died unfortunately mm-hmm. and he had to he hit a 73-yarder okay i. know he died at 73. so you met this girl. at the library nine years ago right and.

i remember she would like kind of like. and we got involved in sex right yeah. and so she would like kind of. like pick up a girl at the library. how do you pick up a girl anywhere and. then get involved in sex i really don't. understand this. you just have a vibe did you know right. away like. this is happening no i sat down and she. was kind of cute and we were talking we. both were in the library so right there. you know things probably weren't going. great at the.

overall i think if you're at the l. during you know at that time you know. the library hasn't been like a real. hotbed of that's why i asked the. timeline because i go nine years ago. yeah even then. yeah it was there's phones around and. especially even in los angeles man a lot. of the library out here is just a lot of. people i mean as we saw a dude try to. climb into a [ __ ] book this [ __ ]. homeless dude. tried to get into one of those big. atlases you know trying to take a. vacation the long way you know. but uh she she would like play with.

herself kind of i remember this girl. would like kind of play with herself. with her and she had us a stump with her. uh unlimited hand she would kind of play. with herself. and then she would kind of. this isn't she would kind of like beat. this like beat the top of her. uvular whatever it's called she would. like hit it with the club with the uh. it was almost like a damn like treble. and bass you know it was like she was. like remixing her own puss kind of it. was. i mean i don't know.

i don't know what happened oh and then i. remember it was like. it was a. it did you know a lot of women sometimes. some women will have. it just it had a. very. uh. violent. odor to her vagina oh yeah every time. she'd hit it with that hammer it just. i knew another like. waft oh i knew it was gonna be a lot of. you know man my toes would just curl up.

and i was like i can't be a i can't be a. part of this so was this something this. is a one-time thing or was it a repeat. thing and you noticed that this odor was. not getting remedied. um i can't remember if it was one time. or two times yeah but it we ended up. separating right because voter you think. it was just a lot it was a lot of stuff. i think we didn't really get along that. great and we barely even knew each other. i mean we literally met at the library. and then were. you know trying to get involved sexually. how do you go i'm i'm not being like. obtuse about this i really need to know.

how you go from library talking to like. let's go have sex did it. did it go did you go on a date did you. go like was it was there just something. in the air that you both knew you were. gonna have sex with each other like i. don't understand i think we might have. met for a drink okay something or a. coffee okay maybe uh. and then did you ask her about what. happened here like how long before you. found out no i don't like to ask about. that kind of stuff i usually say. something like oh i think it's pretty. cool you have like a unique hand or you. have a you know like you have a.

you don't have a leg or something i. think that kind of stuff's kind of. fascinating sometimes oh i love it yeah. but i like the story behind it because i. think most people don't ask them and so. i like to go ahead and go what's going. on there. but that's a scary question to like. yeah and maybe i didn't you know i don't. know but i like that you you at least. acknowledged it you know a lot of uh. there's a lot of wireless providers that. forget how a family is made. they forget they just they're not. thinking of that they're thinking of.

individual users. but mint mobile. is doing it differently. they decided to shake up the wireless. industry with their brand new modern. family plan. each line starts at 15 bucks a month and. you only need two lines to get started. no matter how big or small your family. is you deserve to save on wireless. service. for anyone who hates their phone bill. mint mobile. they're offering. wireless for just 15 bucks a month.

all plans come with unlimited talk and. text and high speed data. delivered on the nation's largest 5g. network. and mint mobile's modern family plan. lets you mix and match data plans. so everyone gets the amount of data. that's right for them because a baby. don't need a million gigabytes baby a. baby might need six gigabytes get a. breast emailed or get a milk email. to get your new wireless plan for just. 15 bucks a month including the modern.

family plan. go to mint mobile.com. theo that's m-i-n-t. m-o-b-i-l-e. dot com slash t-h-e-o cut your wireless. bill to 15 bucks a month at mint. mobile.com slash theo you know debt is. something that's. it weighs on you. you know you're working your job and. you're you got your hourly pay or you. got your salary and you're just thinking. man. some of this is already gone.

i don't like that feeling i don't like. that. i don't like that dirty dracula of debt. that's just sucking. things out of me in the distance. if you have high interest debt. it can be even harder to ask for help. but help is here upstart powered. personal loans can help you pay down. high interest debt. all online. with simple and easy to understand. payment terms that's right. upstart has helped over 1.8 million.

customers on their path to financial. freedom they'll do it. you can check your rate in minutes for. loans between one thousand and fifty. thousand dollars without impacting your. credit score that's key. don't wait and check your rate today at. upstart.com. theo. get a better interest rate for yourself. at. upstart.com. theo. check your rate don't forget to use our.

url loan amounts will. be determined based on your credit. income and other certain information. provided in your loan application it's. not all about that credit score it's not. all about your income they take into. account more than that go to upstart.com. theo. okay so so you met for a drink and okay. that makes more sense to me because i. feel like some people just meet and they. just like no. and then they just start going at it. like i've never understood if you get a. like if you get a hooker like if my i.

don't know why like if you get an escort. my friends that have done that i'm. always fascinated like what so they walk. in. who makes the first who makes the first. move. do now that i understand it and i've. asked questions i guess they come in. and they sit down on the bed next to you. and they just start like rubbing your. leg and then. things usually progress from there but. like that first moment of like going. from like hello to like. touching each other's genitals and like. kissing i don't know how that happens. most of them they seem like take their. gum out first.

and then. do you talk about what's gonna happen. before in the the rate. or is that all i mean look for me it's. happened when i've been high on cocaine. i get out i started interviewing hookers. or whatever online or whatever and then. next thing you know you're. you know the saddest is when you're like. you're negotiating the rate that's like. this for like 75 bucks off and you're. like this is. this is not gonna end well you know i. want to hook up with someone that's like.

oh god this guy's so ch like i'm giving. him a discount. doesn't that take something out of it. i'd want to pay more i think yeah that's. well that's an overall great attitude. you know i i just you know i but i guess. when you're high on cocaine you're not. making the best decisions yeah and i. didn't have any money when i was right. right right okay that makes sense and so. then yeah i think uh yeah but usually. they take their gum out one of them was. real angry one time. and i just paid her to not be just to go. it just and a lot of times for me i get. it's like.

it's. i get so i'm so out like. i'm so like um kind of freaked out by. the time of the year because you have to. like hide everything it's it's alarming. yeah and you have a long time before. they show up so the impulse to like. i'm horny i'm high. i haven't come over then 45 minutes an. hour passes and in that time sometimes. are you like. are you can you sustain that excitement. and then they show up and you're like i. have to do this you're kind of like i. think it's a lot of fear and they a lot. of times seem like they're wasted or.

something i'm trying to do they look a. lot of times what they look like in the. ad or. no it's definitely more of a. um. ross it's more like you get like the. ross version of whatever. you kind of like was in the photos a lot. of times but then it's just people don't. want to put their real cells out you. know yeah that makes sense but yeah most. of the time you know and i've even. talked to a lot of them they say it's. like a lot of uh. you know a lot of guys it's a lot of. guys that are high and then they go over.

and there's not even a lot of sexual. interaction a lot of times so because. when you're cooked up doesn't you're. you're yeah you can't weiner day is not. doing anything you convince yourself it. is gonna work even though coke dick. everyone knows that's the thing and. obviously you've probably had it happen. before. is that not in your is your performance. level even a factor or is it just like. i'm paying for this so it can be. whatever i want it to be. i think do you want to show them a good. time are you trying to make them come. are you trying to like stand out as a. client i'm just thinking like what would. go through my head of like i want this.

person to remember me and. i've never thought i want to stand out. as a client. that's insane like be the best he's ever. had like a sexter is so pedestrian it's. like oh every day the same thing like. one time this you want to be memorable. i don't know wait one time this girl i. want to be completely unmemorable. a lot of times i put on sunglasses and. stuff because i've already been high. yeah or i've been like you know i think. a lot of it is the allure too it's like. i'm high on cocaine we need some chicks.

and it's like there's no way to get. chicks at like 3 a.m yeah if you're just. like alive on you know if you don't you. know and you're not like. in a place where there's like awake. chicks you know so it's like you have to. get you have to reach out to awake. chicks so basically. you need something some guy you need. some girls with insomnia right. yeah in the middle of the night. hooker it's just a sleep clinic they're. really just awake chicks you know that's. all.

what's better awake it's not even. it's like a diner yeah. but i would say that. 66 of the time or even. 80 percent of the time it's been like i. probably had maybe. i would say probably i don't know five. six experiences in my life and. eighty percent of the time has been a. negative experience. oh wow what was that one good time. because if we're talking 80 five times. um that's.

i think one time the lady was just. really really nice okay. but other times yeah it's like a lady. you know one time a lady had a gun a guy. with a gun hanging out outside and it. was like i can't i can't even get an. erection like if there's like. you know like broken glass around. so if. oh for sure. dude if i'm hard. and somebody's broken glass in the. vicinity if the neighbors are having a. party and somebody chips a wine glass.

like a damn meat ghost my dick is gone. okay. so it's over and the girl that was nice. did she was she just like nice. afterwards and it was like she was just. nice she was just nice she just seemed. like a nice gal yeah um. and i'm sure they're so relieved when. it's i mean i don't know what you're. like in the circumstance but you seem. you're you seem like a nice guy like. even in that state of mind they're. probably relieved. you're not going to murder them i mean. every guy is a gamble there's so much.

fear in all that moment yeah unless. you're like with your but like we had. i feel like i'm doing all the talking no. no this is fascinating no no i want to. know so you you've you've gone in with. other guys on it before and you had like. two or one show up well i used to live. with a family member that was an exotic. dancer you know. and not exotic like joe like uh. like in a cage or something you know. with like mange or something you know. just. like a stripper dancer.

lady of the you know. burleigh you know burlesque but with. tits and is stripper a bad. word i mean it. this is not yeah exotic dancer though. yeah. yeah i mean. look she had an llc and everything so it. was like have you ever seen her perform. i mean she's a family member no but we. looked similar and every now and then. there would be like a businessman that. would look at me in a strange way and i. would be like. and i would know that flash like you're. talking about that flash of truth and it. would just hit me like this guy's having.

some. you know he's a familiar have i met you. before i'd be like. no you haven't get back to your wife. you know i'd say [ __ ] like that under my. breath. but um were you sad when you found out. your family member was stan was it. something that was like oh we see this. for her or was it like you got you can't. do this. no because i think i i think she kind of. like took it in like an empowering type. of way i mean i know there was probably. some behind this you know once i later. got older and realized like oh we're. messed up and that's why.

you know. you know people are showing their body. or we're out we're out here that you. know desperate for some type of. attention yeah. i've always kind of felt like. stand up to me is emotional. yes that's what i feel like the things i. talk about the things i say like have. are so. they're like you know they're full fully. like what you know some strippers only. do topless what's it called when they're. like yeah i i feel like i think yeah. like i expose myself like [ __ ].

everything like i feel like i sometimes. do that you know metaphorically in a way. that's like who could no one's gonna. love me because i talk like this or like. yeah if it gets back to someone that. i've done this or said this thing. to a family member of. my boyfriend or like they'd be ashamed. and sometimes you i yeah i feel that way. i feel like ugh why did i do that that. was. gross and then other ways it's like oh. it's really freeing and it's like. [ __ ]. what anyone thinks i don't know i.

struggle with it. but i'm sure you know. at least i can like age into this but. not even like as i get older i'm like. stop talking about. sex and all the things that were like a. little bit cuter when you were younger. but it's like i st. i'm not i don't think i'm i'm not doing. it to like. i'm not doing it so people like think. i'm hot or to like turn men on that's. never been like my goal and if it does. i'm always like oh god like i'm. i don't like that energy around i don't. like when guys come up at meet and. greets and they're like.

hey. uh hey uh uh can you roast should you. roast me like i it first of all we that. that guy and i would never be compatible. because that's the guy that like wants. me to. stomp on his balls with a stiletto heel. or something you know what i mean like. that's a guy that likes to get like a. guy that wants to be roasted is like. horny for it. it's not going to work but they like. some guys do get horny for it but do. they oh yeah. there are some guys that like love to be. like the fact that they watch my roasts. and you can tell they show up being like.

they sit in the front row just like so. eager like please please tell me i have. a small [ __ ] dick yeah well they like. it but then. why what do they want out of that. um they wanna what they maybe don't want. they. they maybe want somebody to very popular. why they want that yeah i mean like. that's a that's a huge. genre of porn of just like. being dominated and being told like yeah. you little [ __ ] [ __ ] look at your. [ __ ] stupid dick and like just.

yelling at them but i don't like your. dick never went to school boy. you know. get your dick back out there at work. yeah i don't i relate to like i like the. i like the other side like i enjoy i. don't like being. made fun of in bed or sexually or. called like you're an ugly like anything. mean about me but i like being dominated. or being. told like um just feeling like powerless. a little bit so i get i get what these.

guys want but i that's not. it's the opposite i'm the opposite on. stage of what i would want in a. relationship so anyone that's like i'm. really horny for like i watch her stand. up and i'm just like god she's so. [ __ ] hot i'm just like it would never. work between us but you've been i'm sure. you've uh. hooked up with some fans though huh no. never uh-uh no no never i really haven't. i just don't i'm not. i just feel like i. it's not that i'm not honest up there. and it's not exactly what i want to say. and what i want to do but i feel like in.

a relationship i just want to be or in a. sexual scenario. i don't want to be in control i don't. want to be in a position of power i. don't want to be the one talking i want. to be like a quiet whole wow like i just. don't want to. that's i do that too i feel like because. stand up is all about control we write. our own stuff we're the only ones on. stage we get we have we decide what we. write we we're the only ones talking we. overpower anyone we don't have a band. there's no collaboration it's a control. thing and i think that yeah.

i think in sex or in a lot of ways we. just look for ways to get out of control. because we're like tired of being in. control so that's the last place where i. want any control i don't want to think. about anything it's so nice yeah to not. that's the one time where it's like even. during massages that i pay for i feel. like. still a pressure to like. respond to them or like stay awake or. talk to them or like. not fall asleep. there's always pressure and i feel like. in sex if you're really.

connected with someone and like have. that dynamic you can i can really like. disappear and not it's almost like. disappearing in a way that's probably. not healthy because you're like trying. to get out of who you are and like not. be in the room yeah but i think that's. so fun to be able to do that and not be. like. it to get high. from sex without drugs or whatever. that's i mean if i'm not smoking weed. and i i don't drink anymore but i go in. and out of smoking weed um. that's like that's my high and then i. want to do that i mean i just like. [ __ ] switch things i mean so you're.

saying like okay so you're saying like. during so you like being kind of uh. you're submissive okay yes so then. here's what i think is interesting is i. think there's different reasons why men. and women then get into probably comedy. for whim for men. i think the original thing is i want to. be seen by women i want to be validated. you know i want you know sarah to look. at me or i want angelica to you know see. me and think oh there's something about. him yeah and it works.

so for women then what is that because. if y'all aren't out there trying to trap. oh man i'm trying to get seen but i'm. trying to get seen and and heard. and. um so for wisdom it's a more of a. business almost sense i think it's about. i think it's about wanting to be heard. and feeling like i just felt like. growing up if i kind of like really pull. it apart and figure out why i do it i. think that's like i felt like a weird. kid i never got to the things i would. say would always make people go like ew. like what and like look at each other. concerned want to get me help so i just.

learned to like not talk and also i. thought that if i ever talked. um boys would call me ugly so if i ever. said something. it would make it would make people look. at me and remember that i existed and. then they would call me ugly and then. that's like i mean because it happened a. couple times enough where it was like. okay i learned my lesson like do not. talk because the boys that are like. just crazy enough yeah just and the boys. that liked me honestly i look back and. i'm like they were the ones that called.

me ellen when ellen was like had just. come out and was gay did you seem like a. gay woman yeah because i didn't like a. lot of gay looking stuff no i just. didn't like boys i did i liked boys but. i didn't want to talk to them i didn't. want to kiss them i didn't want to date. i mean i wanted to but i didn't know how. and so i just never had boyfriends and. so i think that they were just like. nikki's gay and so they called me ellen. and um and then like you know just but. were you doing hand jobs and stuff were. you proving yourself no dude i didn't do. anything wow so you weren't proving that. you weren't gay. no i mean i didn't i i definitely didn't.

think i was because i love jonathan. taylor thomas like a lot and he's almost. a woman. you're not wrong zac after you two i. mean they're a handsome guy but they're. you know no when i get to that you know. zac efron was my fir like i would say my. most recent that i was just like jesus. christ and i looked at his face one day. i'm like he has a woman's face. like he's a really pretty guy so i don't. know like i definitely somewhere on the. spectrum but no i like dudes and i but i. was too scared of them because i just i. thought i would be bad at things that's.

why i'm so interested in like how do you. make a first move like how do you go. from library to sex because to me even. now i'm like. how if you're not drunk. how do you make a first move how do you. go from like we. are just people talking to we are gonna. put ourselves inside each other is just. so wild to me and i was just too scared. i couldn't couldn't do it i didn't kiss. a boy until i was. um 17. wow really yeah and it was just. because my friend literally like brought. this guy in the room and was like you're. making out with him and like sat him. down and was like you two go and i was.

like thank you someone's making me do. something so i feel like in sex when i'm. submissive or like in that kind of role. and someone's making me do stuff or you. know. with cons like my consent like they're. safe words and stuff but if someone's. making me do something. i can do anything i'll i'll do anything. because i'm a people pleaser and it's. not my fault if i do this wrong well i. didn't even want to you made me do it. if i. am not good at this thing well you said. i had to it's like i'm why should i be.

good at this it's the first time i'm. doing it you're making me do this thing. so i haven't out oh so it's almost like. you you like you kind of play that uh. damned linda strat or this yeah. yeah a little bit tied up and just like. i can't i mean i used to have a joke. about it but i liked being tied up a lot. of times because i wouldn't have to do. anything to the guy and not because i. was like lazy but because. i didn't want to like be bad at things i. just always thought i just had two i. would overhear boys and hear them talk. about girls and be like oh you know she.

gave me like she. scraped my dick with her tea too much. teeth or like there's always that kind. of stuff when you were young and it. would ruin that threw up on my day. scared yeah if you're a high school. student out there boys she left freckles. on my dick somebody said that one time. that is the worst that's the way you. will not get [ __ ] is if you talk around. girls that you want to [ __ ] about girls. that you have slept with and you. disparage them you might think it. because i i get the psychology of guys. if you like a girl you talk badly about. other girls so that this girl feels like. like oh i don't like her i like you but.

girls for me at least i would hear that. and say he's going to do that to me so. i'm not ever going to touch this guy. because i don't want to be the girl that. gets made fun of behind. my back. i remember my buddy one time got a uh. the first bj in our area right i mean. people were [ __ ] fired up wait what. is that we're talking some your area. seventh grade seventh grade yeah yeah. yeah that was around the same time so he. got bj'd up and everybody was [ __ ]. you could hear people cheering in the. damn distance it was uh you know you.

could hear his ancestors. lightened up yeah you could see i mean. betsy ross just put another star on the. flag you know like. people were excited right yeah so then. it the story came out that people. started hearing about it yeah right and. then the gal's parents heard about it. so then the gal and her parents went. over the parents called my buddy's. parents oh my god and this poor girl.

because they were real pretty religious. and so they said well we're going to. come over here and talk about this if. people's bj and and if our child's bj. and we're going to come over there and. talk about it. so they drove over and my buddy was like. dude i i remember talking to him on the. phone before he's like i have to go sit. in there oh my gosh and they want us to. tell them everything that happened no. here's the crazy part. here's the craziest part. they made them. not like physically show them like with. their sexual parts but like okay show us.

how you were. show us how you were so then the gal is. because my buddy let me put the phone on. and let it be just under the table in. there and when the meeting was going on. my god. so because i think the parents wanted to. make sure that everything was and there. was nothing like force that happened. okay so they're having it basically. reenactment right then here's the crazy. part. they send the kids out of the room so. that they can talk about it. and i don't remember exactly but i swear.

my buddy give him another one. while they were talking about it man. that's when you gotta [ __ ] beat that. hammer son i mean the seventh grade i. remember the first girl that gave a. blood eighth grade the first girl and it. was just like it was out i couldn't. believe off the world your mouth on a. penis like i've all the chicks were like. oh and all the guys were like. yeah i mean it was so titillating i mean. i wanted to know everything about it but.

i was like god damn it i haven't even. kissed a boy i'm years away from kissing. a guy a friend of mine just put i. remember sobbing the first time one of. my close friends sucked a penis i cried. so hard because i knew that i would have. to do it someday. and i also knew that i lost her like we. don't have anything in common now if you. can do that it was like my friends who. rode roller coasters i wanted to so bad. but i was too scared i just couldn't do. it i and i would just sit at six flags. and sit on the bench janet's gone yeah. yep that's how i felt she's gone and i.

lost her i really cried like i mourned. it because i just felt like i'm getting. left behind and i did like all my. friends got boyfriends were like hooking. up getting their [ __ ] eaten and i. just had never even kissed a boy and i. would be like just but i knew everything. i would ask every detail so by the time. i did that stuff i knew exactly what to. do. i was not i was not nervous by the time. that i got i got to the place where i. was like the librarian of it kind of it. seems like you were kind of the pro at. that point you were yeah yes i knew.

everything and i didn't get my period. till super late and i was by the time i. got my period all my i knew everything. about because my friends i would ask. every detail i put in a tampon like i. was like. an old grizzled ant like it was like. i've been doing it for years and you as. a girl you don't start with tampons you. start with like pads or like toilet. paper and you're like am i dying why am. i bleeding but i was just like oh i know. what to do here because i just knew. because i had asked so many questions. and i think that's what i still have is. that like curiosity about sex like it. even though i have it and now i'm in. that world i still am just like.

i just want to know every detail i just. think it's fascinating like how we get. from being clothed to unclothed and like. licking each other's privates it's just. so weird yeah you got to get you. you got to get stupid like you. that's what horniness does it makes you. kind of dumb. well yeah when you think about that. horniness is built into you i mean when. you're a child and it starts to go off. in you. i mean it's basically like you're. sitting there just pretending that. you're not just full of fireworks all.

the time you know you know what the. feeling was because i didn't know what. it was i was just like oh yeah i. remember being horny bro were you sh did. and i'm by by i don't know what it was i. didn't know to have shame about it. like i didn't know that this was a. feeling like i would just watch. dave matthews storytellers on vh1 and. like rock back and forth on my heel and. not really not like sweating and getting. like real horned up and do it in front. of my parents like i wouldn't even know. that what i was feeling i was so out of. touch. with like what that was.

do you remember like the first time you. started getting. the buzz i remember my buddy william. would like drag his body across the. carpet with like front down you know. with the front side down and just. he would literally just like in the. military crawl all around the [ __ ]. house getting hard you know. and uh. i mean you know yeah you'd see like we'd. be watching an episode of like little. house in the prairie and like you know. they get in there swimming you know long. johns and damn there goes william just. damn elbow crawling bro he'd be off.

he'd do two laps through the kitchen. bruh before he come back lieutenant. danning he just couldn't handle it he's. just keeping his front just. flush on the carpet you know. yeah i mean well it's interesting that. that so that happens inside of us so. that's a thing that says hey we want to. have sex we want to procreate we and and. nature wants it to happen kind of. sometime after that probably nature yes. yes i'm saying so that's nature's plan. you know is. people doing sex when they're probably.

16 or something or 14 you know oh yeah. that's nature's plan sure. so then we come in with our human plan. and we say well these are some of our. rules and stuff and it's like okay well. that's when a lot of like uh. illegalities happen you know yeah and. sex issues and stuff like that you know. um but i feel like i remember it i. remember yeah somebody blew you know.

oh then i remember i ended up getting a. bj one time first one. yeah. and we met out or i remember we were. meeting in the woods it was at a party. yeah it's like it's gonna meet in the. woods. and louisiana has wood woods it's not i. mean there's like spiders there's like. dragons. there's like dead [ __ ] out there. probably yeah you know there's pirate. ships there's a lot in there so you meet. in the woods but we met in the woods and. it was getting damp like we were meeting.

it was getting real um. muddy. so i mean i remember being oh we were. slogging and dude and then i remember it. getting even a little bit more like. almost like probably a couple inches of. water oh my god where are we meeting am. i going kind of the wrong way to me. so i'm like. you know i'm like out and damn. you know i'm almost in south carolina. you know i'm saying like i really. you know i'm in the backdrop of where. the crawdads sing you know i'm saying. it's really like i'm passing boats like.

and you don't have phones how do you. know where to meet this girl dude i was. just following the possibility. that i was going to get a bj it happened. i would still be walking. if the possibility. had never left my head. and so i finally we finally got to each. other and by that point i mean i had. like locus on me i had like. i was a damn ecosystem you know like i. was certainly uh i wasn't doing great.

you know there was like scientists. texting me there was like oh my god you. know it was really hot it was bad you. know. it. oh there was moss growing on the north. side of me like i had barely made it to. i was three years older when i got to. her when i finally got there it was. illegal. for her to give me the [ __ ] oh my god. how long it took man was it awesome was. it like as good as you had thought it.

would be. because i mean i'm guessing this girl is. like a younger like you're on the. younger side of things it's probably one. of her first two maybe you know uh maybe. she doesn't know what she's doing but. was it just so great. well by that point other kids are coming. looking for us you know oh okay by that. point by the time we finally met it. there were other kids yelling and yeah. because you were missing for hours oh. this crazy party. oh it was crazy there was a lantern i. remember i'm like somebody had a little. lantern out here.

there was a lantern there was beagles oh. there were two beagles. you know. uh. it was getting and it was getting really. really bad you know and so we had to. shut it down right okay. and then. another time. um. so then we rebooked it for a couple of. weeks later when someone else had a. party yeah you know. so. oh you knew it was gonna be a [ __ ]. yeah i knew it because she had maybe. done it before yeah and she was like the.

one that you knew to go to for that kind. of thing but i also liked her though oh. yeah that's sweet so i really really. liked her and i think i was also there. was embarrassment because she'd done. some [ __ ]. yes you know so you thought. did you i like her but i'm afraid of. what other people will think if i like. her oh yeah cuz she's a [ __ ] well i. don't know if she's a [ __ ] but she's. done some [ __ ] right i was saying. [ __ ] isn't like people like i think. she's and then what does that mean and. then you can't. yeah are you one of these guys that um.

if you're dating someone you don't want. to know about their history you don't. want to you kind of want to convince. yourself. uh you kind of want to be in denial of. their past even though you know like you. just don't want to know about it. he hasn't i don't care anymore oh that's. good because it's like. unless they were like work uh yeah i. don't think i care really i think it's. more now about can what the connection. is you know yeah um. but then i remember me and this gal we. befriended somebody so we could go to. their birthday right like we kind of. like because you needed a spot right so.

we ended up at this nerdy girl's. birthday right met her at the library. i'm sure. neither of us even really knew her and. we're at the party and we're kind of. using her for her guest room oh people. are trying to like just play games and. stuff and there's water balloons and. like it was really it was still like a. they were real uh. they was more premature you know. and so we were trying to get a sneak off. for this bj you know when they're doing. like pin the tail in the dunk and just. things where it's like. we gotta get this.

clown yeah and time was ticking it was. getting later in the day like there was. a pony there was a pony right now god oh. my god we gotta sneak off and get this. bj in somewhere around here and uh so we. snuck off behind this tree and it was. like. they don't really have the trees wide. enough to get a bj behind them where i'm. from you know without somebody seeing. this thin birches yeah it's a lot more. what's the thickest tree in louisiana. you think zach if you pull something up. like that.

because you can really get blown behind. one of these uh okay. you know. no yeah search only for thickest. that taxodium distectum huh. 15.90 what is that meter that's girth. yeah. yes by girth that's uh we're talking. meters here. i assume diameter. [Music]. so. well i guess these people couldn't. afford one of those right so because. that's really wide enough almost. especially at that age in california you.

got the redwoods you can [ __ ] have an. orgy behind one of those. [Laughter]. oh dude you can build a car max behind. one of them. but anyway i couldn't and the and the. kid's mom came over oh [ __ ] and was like. y'all her blow job and then i was like. i'm not you know and. then the girl felt bad when i said i'm. not oh and uh and then i felt bad. because i wasn't like it was her idea no. i wasn't she was doing it you know oh.

right they're blow-dry they're. blow-topping i'm not i'm just standing. here she came up yeah she came i was. just trying to get some air. no now that she came up like my yeah. like. like my penis was just wandering around. the air okay. you can't get you said when was your. first. like you're getting man well so then we. got busted and that was a bad issue. and then um. probably about.

i think it was a couple years later. a girl gave me a hand job into a um. small waterway. and uh. like a stream everything is outdoors. for you guys. yeah well yeah i think the people i knew. didn't have big indoors. yeah so it was like if there's not a lot. of room indoors you gotta so into a. small waterway you were like looking. over a small bobbling brook. no it was bit it was larger than that i.

mean you could catch something out of it. all right. and so you got a hand job out of that. into the stream into the street yes he. goes back so scared you know yeah that. scared me what's because i would never. be able to get that semen back first no. really something about it but hadn't you. ejaculated before and felt the same way. or did you try to put it back in then. like. well my armor we jerked off one time and. my dad made us bury it out in the yard. no way what. yeah wait he caught you jerking off. and he's bury your semen.

in the backyard. so you in your hand not even in the back. it was in the side yard. wait. that is. why why. i don't know he said that's god's and. that's where it goes oh my god. theo. pretty cool that's crazy you got. something in your pants baby that's. bugging you that's itching that's. growing. it's probably hair. it's probably hair you bushed out baby. you georgian and george w and right. there in your pants and your crotch.

taking control of that body bush is. important. that's why manscaped. is sponsoring us they're here to help. they'll help you tame that bush. without hiring people that have knives. and wheat whackers. whether you're looking to go bald like. an eagle or just to need a little trim. manscaped is dedicated to helping you. level up your full body grooming. when you trim your hair down your. your package looks taller and longer put.

a damn graduation cap on your wiener. it's just basic landscaping that's how. it is. if you get the performance package. purchase you get two free gifts. you get the shed travel bag and the. patented high performance reduced. chafing manscaped boxers. they have a bunch of other products on. their website as well you can check them. out. but make sure to use our code you get 20. off and free shipping with the code theo. at manscape.com.

that's 20 off with free shipping at. manscape.com use the code theo. it's time to level up. from the amazon to the amadong. with the ultimate bushwhacking tools. whack that bush. from manscaped blue chew baby you got to. pep that weiner baby. you got to pep that weiner daddy. and that's blue chew they'll do it. blue chews tablets combat all forms of. erectile dysfunction. and can help men gain extra confidence.

for when it's time to perform baby you. send your wiener off to war you gotta. peel him up. blue chews licensed medical providers. work with you to find the right. ingredients and strength for your. prescription. it's a unique online service that blue. chew offers. they have the same active ingredients as. viagra and cialis but it's in chewable. form you snack that baby. snack that baby and up your wiener snack. that baby. and up your wiener. that's right. you can benefit from extra confidence.

it's time to visit bluechew. and guys here's a special code for you. try blue chew free. when you use our code theo at checkout. just pay five dollars shipping that's. bluechew.com promo code t-h-e-o to. receive your first month free up that. weiner baby that's a thing like there. are some guys that like i think have an. issue with coming and you should because. it like when you come it [ __ ] with your. limbic system and i mean it.

it also makes you. the interesting thing i found about uh. when i was i was like reading these. books that. about like the male orgasm female orgasm. and how much it [ __ ] you up and how. i you know i just had so many. experiences where i slept with guys too. soon when i really thought that i had. waited long enough they really liked me. this was this was we're going to the. next level this was actually making us. like we're gonna be boyfriend girlfriend. after this i didn't get the word of it. but it was like this is in the bag and. then we'd have sex. and then instantly they would change and.

like some they just weren't into me. anymore and they kind of. yeah and. it was about and they would sometimes. try to not come because they knew what. was coming on the other side of that. there was nothing i did it was that they. came and then i found out biologically. because we used to like live in tribes. and just have sex with everyone and no. one like not everybody i'm sure there. was some people in the tribe yeah you. skipped a couple yeah like oh a little. randall over there yeah let's leave dude. that guy's over there [ __ ] eating.

chia seeds out of his belly button i. think i'm a pass on [ __ ] him you know. but we used to. i'm sure within within reason you used. to just like have sex with everyone. because you got to make a lot of babies. for the [ __ ] totally you had to get. more goods to be able to survive the. winter yeah because and babies don't. live so everyone's [ __ ] everyone so. your body when you come as a man your. subconscious like your caveman brain. whatever it is is telling you don't do. not come with this girl again like you. already got her if she's gonna get.

pregnant that's the. you've already done it don't drop a. second load in this woman because that. would be a waste of your sperm. so don't that's why men afterwards have. this like. you know. flight response of like get away because. it would be a waste for you to [ __ ]. someone twice within the same like. ovulation period and that's this whole. book was about like. not. making it so like you if you want to. keep a guy interested in you just don't. let him come wow ever and they'll be.

obsessed with you and there is some. truth to that i mean like even. i i feel that way in. in relationships i'm scared of come now. because i've on the other side of it. when a guy comes there even if they're. like. my partner at the time there's just a. lack of interest in me that was like. they were pawing on me before so into me. and then afterwards it's as we all feel. after we are satiated but i don't like i. don't like that to go away suddenly it. felt like oh my god then that was fake. or something sometimes i'll be like.

please don't come because i want you to. like. crave me forever i always want that to. be there i hate when it goes away that's. a great point maybe that's because. because i'll say this whenever i would. ejaculate into my hand or whatever. it always felt like that wasn't supposed. to be outside that's one thing that i. always felt like yes it's like this. doesn't feel like it's just supposed to. be outside of me yeah what a because. it's a waste that was that semen is to. like make a baby and now your body has.

to like make more you just like wasted. this thing that was gonna keep. you going keep the human species going. and you just blew it like your job as a. man is to make sure that goes into a. vagina that is fertile and you you. failed so there of course there would be. some kind of like disappointment or. shame. on the other side of that subconsciously. or even consciously. you just blew it out here in the back of. a school bus or behind a shonies or. something you're like. now you're just riding there on the bus. next to your scene and you're just like.

all right that's interesting. because i feel the same way after i have. an orgasm but my thing is that i get sad. because. it's gonna i get sad because i want to. feel that again right now and i have to. wait now to build it up again and i'm. like it's almost like after. i i like to wait to eat until i'm really. hungry so that the food tastes better. like i love to wait i'm a pleasure to. layer and so i always after i come i'm. always just like. man. the most fun part of that whole thing. was up until it happened yeah when it.

happened it feels good but really the. best part is the anticipation that's why. i love i love anticipation i love when. the when i see the waiter bringing my. food like that is that's a better. feeling to me than when i'm actually. eating it i think. i like i on christmas i notoriously as a. kid i would never open my christmas. presents i would just i would hoard them. and be like because i didn't want. christmas to be over the saddest day of. the year is december 26th yeah i might. argue the saturdays december 25th the. afternoon after christmas presents are.

opened. because people are cool before that it's. like what what could be and now you know. what is and it's fine it's nintendo and. you're psyched and you're playing duck. hunt with your cousin but before that. it who knows what it could have been. wow that's interesting you know i like. to think of what if. right. and i like to know fantasy. yeah maybe that's some of the. differences right there between men and. women you like to know what i like to. know exactly what's going to go on yeah. i don't like there to be a lot of room.

for i think that scares me you know if. there's like a lot of like what could. happen i think that's just some of the. difference between men and women you. know i think that's why like um you can. see a male orgasm you know it's like. yeah. yeah and women orgasm you're like maybe. yeah we don't know yes but you know it's. more like up in the air is what i'm. saying even if you go to that you know. yeah this lady said something what you. got here zachary you had a video you. wanted us to see yeah while we're on. this topic there's a utah state rep uh.

is getting a lot of flack for this kind. of hot take about seaman. oh man that i. clearly don't trust women enough to make. choices to control their own body and my. response is i do trust women enough to. control when they allow a man to. ejaculate inside of them and to control. that intake of semen so that may be. inflammatory but i think as a. legislature we have the responsibility. to create a legal framework that is. friendly and supporting rights that i oh.

so she's saying you can control how much. semen goes in you no you no you can't. well can um. no i mean like men are stronger than us. sorry it's like that's the bottom line. like we. all of this is about if we were as. strong as you guys this would not be an. issue like nothing it's we're the weaker. sex physically i mean some of us can. work out hard enough and there's jujitsu. to use your body strength against. yourself but like generally. we cannot fight you off if you decide in. the middle of sex to hold us down it.

wouldn't take much it doesn't take much. even if we're so fast and we work out. every day a guy who doesn't work out in. a quick sprint well can catch us you. guys are. faster and more powerful so no we can't. control if you want to come in us you. can come in us. oh dang. well thanks first of all. [Music]. second of all. uh. i didn't say may you oh yeah yeah that. old bathroom trick no i'm not doing. anything like that man i never i will i. mean i will.

not i will like to even go and ejaculate. in the other room you know no that's not. a bad idea because you don't associate. it with the girl and so you might still. have that in you to be like i gotta [ __ ]. her and so you might still be interested. in her that's like actually one of the. tactics they talk about. in this book i read about male orgasms. and avoiding them is like if he has to. come like don't have him not associated. with you and then he'll still like you. hmm because it's about like. some of that i think makes sense you. know but yeah sometimes i feel so bad.

about all the you know just all the. ejaculate or whatever that i left in. different places and just shouldn't have. left cause you feel like it's like a. part of you you feel like it's like yeah. sometimes i'd even drive through an old. neighborhood and even. look at that spot where you buried it to. see if the tree grew grew oh i didn't. think about that a tree where you could. maybe get a [ __ ] behind it someday oh. yeah i'm freaking strong enough. to hide two kids. all checking out theo your dad made you. bury your semen when he caught you the. first time you got caught.

masturbating you had to take your semen. and bury it in the yard like of course. you have issues with like a j like guard. feeling like. but yeah i mean. and it goes it spreads from there [ __ ]. i mean like everything we do is because. of something that happened in our. childhood like i know it was a lesson we. learned from our parents who were just. like doing their best which wasn't. really that great oh i saw one time it. reminds me actually there was this. uh.

this kind of ratchet chick you know i. was into like real ratchet kind of. chicks for a while nice huh i don't know. i just liked it you know. and um. she had earrings like on her like on the. sides of her. wait on her labia yeah. like hoops yeah wow okay. it was cool never heard of that i've. never i didn't know it could even. because you always think of like [ __ ]. piercings which seems really painful but. yeah that makes sense just like labia. like. this lady was really she was pretty. ratchet and she had earrings on her.

[ __ ] yeah yeah and it was like. definitely. like you could see it like eating. popcorn at a ball game like front row at. an nba game you know what i'm saying. like no i don't know what you're saying. but. like it was definitely uh i mean it. looked like it had like. i don't know are you do you do you i've. talked a lot about this before and and i. am always curious i don't care anymore. about i used to be very paranoid about. like. what if the guy thinks my vagina is ugly. like if it's not like perfectly like.

tight and just like a little line like. do you care about that stuff when you. are there vaginas that you're just like. like or is it just like i'm horny this. is fine whatever like. because. yeah i just wanna i feel like men. men and women have so much insecurity. about our genitals you guys more so size. us is us is also size but it's like. if it's. we just don't know what other women are. are have down there. and so we we are scared ours is just.

grotesque compared to it or at least i'm. speaking for myself. the only one that i you know the only. time i've really had some bad experience. with some vagina was um. if you know if it really has if it if. somebody has an ill vagina yeah or a. sick vagina or like somebody but you. know has a. you know if there's that that that's a. tough thing you know yeah and i think it. can even be the same for men if some. men's wiener stink you know it's like. gingivitis like they don't even know. it's like a chronic thing it's a. bacterial thing that's it yes and i'll.

even send a friendly text sometimes like. hey this isn't to be rude or anything. yeah i love hanging out with you. but you know but this i mean that the. tough thing was that one yeah the girl. with that little you know just that damn. yeah. you know the little drummer girl or. whatever yeah yeah. yeah when she broke out that little. barrampa bomb dude that little drummer. girl. that [ __ ] that was that was too hectic. man i wanted to literally.

you know i don't know a lot of this. stuff's interesting man how's your. vagina doing how are you doing are you. are you a lie are you dating are you. yeah i have a boyfriend oh good yeah i'm. back uh a guy dated for. like. man we were together three years off and. on and then um we took a five-year break. and then we've been dated we dated for. like about a. nine months and then we made it official. i think like four months ago. but like we went to. we went to couples therapy before we. were even a couple cause i was like i. just don't want to do this again because. we always just break up and get together. it's just the point where our families.

are just like not taking us seriously. and so right we're we're we're doing it. you're like guns and roses almost. yeah i don't like do you think. you were getting back together it never. happened yes an appetite for destruction. you know. yeah what about you. um what's going on. uh i'm actually taking a little bit i'm. not dating trying not to date for 30. days oh that's nice no no not uh do any. dating for 30 days are you on apps and. stuff like that.

how were you dating before dm slides. um after shows. meeting some women occasionally meeting. women in real time. you know. yeah but i think it's just i i think. i've had this kind of like. i didn't realize that i've had this kind. of software kind of running like. i need to have some interaction with a. woman right like um. whether it be a tech text exchange or a. porno or watching a pornography or.

watching a um. even a drawing of [ __ ]. yeah anything like that any i need to. have some interaction of woman you know. buying a wig or something looking at it. you know different kind of stuff where. you could be like. you know i need to have some interaction. of woman that where it's like the. possibility of a connection of intimacy. whether it be just just a female. interaction yeah like what could be. something yeah yeah because i'll notice. like uh. like i'll sit at home no drinking and. stuff like that you know so.

i've been. i think i have almost like 90 days sober. right now so congrats thanks pretty cool. damn and i i'm realizing and i'm not. saying i'm not that i'm not going to. stay in this program but i realize when. i sit there or. i realize also when i just sit there. a lot of alcoholics they think i need a. drink i need i want something to drink. i realize for me. i want to interact with a female. just to know that a female will interact.

yes yes that's it. it doesn't have to be about sex it. doesn't even but i need there's that's. my drink yeah. oh yeah so it's like i realize. oh that's my drink that's my alcohol is. that is some sort of validation or. acceptance. um. from a woman setting up a date uh. saying hey i'll you know uh or calling a. girl that i care about even you know. just anything it's any other it could be. anything on the spectrum but not a go. not a platonic it's a like romantic.

interest yeah romantic but even. sometimes platonic can be part of it. because it'll like it depends on what. need i have at that moment if i have a. need where it's like. um a sexual need then i'll just do a. date with a girl who wants to say who's. looking for to do sex if or i'll do. pornography if it's i just want to flirt. then i'll just flirt if it's that i want. to talk to someone i care about or who. cares about me i'll do that but it's. like i notice i kind of.

and a lot of it's normal behavior yeah. but it's not normal when it's like um. the second i start to feel a little bit. of uncomfort that's the thing that i do. to solve this every way the second. something will like but bef you know. before when i was single like the second. one would drop off instantly need to. replace it with another oh this guy's. not writing me back find another one. make sure you're still [ __ ] making. sure you're still. validated honestly like that someone. wants to stick their dick in you even.

though like i could post a picture and. someone would write some disgusting. thing that would make me feel that way. but you want it to be someone who you. would maybe entertain the idea of doing. that but it's i i know that itch. where you just. just sometimes um just going on the apps. and matching with someone you get that. hit of dopamine. of just like a connection just seeing. the connection i don't even need to talk. to them like okay that guy would that. guy would and i'm a [ __ ] i'm terrified. of having sex with people and meeting up. with people i oh i was just going a lot.

of people would [ __ ] you you know that. right but and but for some reason i need. i don't know but i still crave that i. mean and yeah also. you you start to age and you go oh i. feel it's slipping away it's not it it's. not as. um. it's not as apparent anymore and then. you start to feel it go away and then. you're like well i'm eventually gonna. get old enough where i open i really. hope no one wants to [ __ ] me i don't. want to be. 90 and having people like that'll be.

your last you stop for me. you know what i mean like that you're. vulnerable you're 90. it reverses you no. you don't want anyone being sexual like. i don't want to sexualize when i'm 90. it's like you're a baby again that's why. we don't i don't want anyone to want to. [ __ ] me because i can't fight you off. i'm like a fragile old woman so you want. to be like not sexual but that's scary. to me is like i'm a dying battery of. hotness everyone is a dying battery of. fuckability and like you can plug. yourself into little like portable. chargers. right here and there but those are gonna. die too and you're gonna you're. eventually gonna have to age that's.

scary to me oh that's been a very scary. thing for me even in the past few years. just getting older and feeling like um. oh yeah first of all like i have to be. an adult too i got to do adult stuff you. know taxes and stamps. yeah and looking people in the eye when. you talk to them oh god yeah is that. hard for you i think i think all of that. kind all that kind of stuff has always. been a little tough for me you know. but um yeah i have the new thing of like. on an airplane i really like to like.

curl up in a ball like on the window and. i put my foot up on the thing and i. don't i make sure not to disturb anyone. and i put a sleep mask on and i have. like a. you know jacket over my head and i'm. just like i'm 38. like this is not oh. this is not that's an. it's a child's thing to do right this is. not okay like we're i still want to. behave like a little like a child like. the eye contact thing like sometimes. i just don't want to make eye contact. with. people and and i go that's a thing i did. when i was 12 when i was scared to look. an adult in the eye like why am i still.

doing this yeah yeah i think it's all. those ghosts of being a child you know. that's all we all become is just the. haunted house for ghosts of. of our youth oh yeah i'm [ __ ] so. stuck. are you that's like every time i talk to. my therapist about like my fears about. you i just have fears of like boys being. mean to me and being like if i reject a. guy they'll be like well i didn't even. want to [ __ ] you anyway you're old and. disgusting like they'll say the meanest. thing back which we know guys that do. that like the season of fboy island.

that's my biggest fear for these girls. that like these three girls sign up for. the show and then on and what is on. their kids [ __ ] each other by the. beach yeah man that's kind of like it's. it's. 13 boys like real sexy and 13 nice guys. so 13 guys that are like looking for. love and 13 guys that are like. there just to like get the money because. if you get chosen then you get money you. also get the girl but then if you're an. f boy and uh and so you're there to like. trick girls but the girls don't know who. is who but my biggest fear was like. these girls are gonna eliminate an f-boy.

who's been pretending to be nice the. whole time and then when they do the. guy's gonna be like i didn't even think. any of you were hot anyway [ __ ] this i. can go get you're all [ __ ] sixes and. that was my biggest fear and these girls. are just so hot that they. they're just like and they have. confidence like and they're 10 years. younger than me so i just i just assume. anyone 10 years younger me has less. confidence than me i've like worked hard. to have the. amount of confidence i have which isn't. much but they don't care at all these. guys are so they will say the mean of. [ __ ] and they still like them and no. they still they're just like bye whereas.

i would be like. he just said the thing that i've always. thought about myself like that's why i. will not read youtube comments on this. video i will not i only read instagram. comments on my own stuff because it. tends to be nicer but i don't read. twitter anymore i don't read youtube. comments because i'm so scared a man is. gonna call me. old like that's my new fear it that's. only in the past like five years. that happens to everybody though it. happens yes oh yeah but how do you feel. when someone calls you out for the thing. that like you think maybe no one's. noticed yet looks wise does it bother.

you yeah i mean it has to but does it. does it like land you in a like i get. super depressed yeah i think it kind of. hurts my feelings i think or it like. enforces fears that i have probably yeah. um. i don't know i mean the things that i. get probably most uncomfortable about. probably my hair you know that's crazy. because it's so good i feel is that. interesting. yeah i think it's so i guess. you have a hairline.

every man i know all they talk about his. hair. you did yeah. wait it hasn't gone in yet oh well it's. just your own hair from the back yeah oh. my god it's so good and it hasn't grown. in no i mean you you're i know maybe you. put work into it but it's it's paid off. it looks good oh thanks yeah yeah. things like that i get nervous about i. guess yes i mean i think being funny i. think the tough thing for me is like. i went through like some pretty severe. burnout a few years ago and i kept.

working. and i didn't know that i was supposed to. stop and my career was just kind of. getting good. and i'd worked so hard. and i didn't know what to do. and i didn't really have um. you know you talk to people and they're. like you got to strike all the irons all. this kind of stuff you know yeah and um. and i'd always had a good work ethic and. so it was just like oh you just keep. working you know saying no to stuff so. hard it was hard and i loved you gave me.

when we talked to each other about doing. this. i loved. i mean we don't have to talk about you. saying like hey just let me know if. you're doing another podcast so i can. time it and i was like. oh yes i don't have to do any po like. i'm doing theo's podcast i don't have to. accept any other podcast because i'm. doing theo's podcast it's a reason to. like. you gave me a reason to not have to do. because if i come to town i'll just say. yes to [ __ ] everything because i. gotta just strike by the i'm only here. for a couple days i love. you gave you essentially tied me up and.

i was like oh i guess i can't give you a. hand job i'm tied up like it's it's just. such a great it's free. i need boundaries yes yeah we need. boundaries so how do you say no to. things now well i it's sometimes it's. tough you know a friend is asking to be. in his movie next month and i'm thinking. about it but then i just got off you. know i've been touring for like 16 years. and i just finally stopped don't you. love when people are like so. what's this. how long is this tour going and you go. the rest of my life i just name it a. different thing every year but it never.

stops maybe i'll take a week off to go. film something but we don't stop. so you took. well i just finally i you know i just. said i don't i don't want to keep adding. dates you know i had a huge date in. vegas they were it was the most i was. ever going to get paid for a show. and i said i'm just i'm not doing it. i said i just. i can't. keep go. because here's the thing if i'm not. feeling great when i keep putting myself. out there it's the same reason.

well then i catch on it's like. it's like i'm just using my sets like. yeah you're like. raping yourself kind of like my my. wellness is like you know god gave me. these gifts to be able to feel. comfortable and be humorous and like. instead it's like. you know it's like whenever you got to. the bottom of a bowl of a weed and some. kid would keep smoking just like the. dirty glass at the bottom like ernie. quit yeah [ __ ] hitting this [ __ ] dog. that shit's been empty for a month dawg. get a job though i mean i do that with.

weed when i get like every six months. when i have to quit yeah when i find. myself like smoking resin and that's. what i was doing i was just smoking just. to [ __ ] resin myself yes yeah i do. that all the time too with stand up and. then you're you're bad because you're. tired on stage you resent that you have. to do it you're all you're thinking. about is when you don't have to do this. anymore and what you're gonna do. afterwards. and and then you're the audience some. they know they know that and then yeah. maybe you might make the most money. you've ever made on that one gig but.

they won't come see you again because. they go i just paid so much and this was. not not that great yeah and so i'm. trying to like i'm just trying to make. gigs fun because i know that if i went. to go see my like taylor swift if i if i. had in the back of my head that she. didn't want to be there at all even one. percent was like not feeling it i. wouldn't want to go i want my performers. to like have fun that's why i do not go. i don't like going to see plays. because i feel like i would be so bored. doing the same thing over and over that. i can't imagine they're having fun.

like maybe on opening night but like on. like a long like broadway when they're. doing months and months i'm like they. can't change it up at least for. stand-ups or for like musicians they can. change up the set but a play i'm just. like oh god i i project that and now i. know from talking to actors that they're. like no i like doing the same thing. every night and it does change for me. but for some reason i project like uh. every night the same thing yeah totally. autopilot. well yeah i can't enjoy it well i think. and also uh. it's a reason why you know i do this.

other podcast king and the sting and. it's one of the reasons why i have to. take breaks from that it's why i started. having guests on here more instead of. just doing solo because i was just. getting burnt out i didn't want to put. my not best self out there. and then also i want to be able to have. the energy for the shows that's the part. i like the best getting to meet people. after so it's like. you know it's just like i had to monitor. like. it's just been tough and i didn't. realize i thought like oh you just keep. going people want to see you i was a. people pleaser like i wanted.

it's the same as like being at the lunch. table when you're a kid and you like get. your buddies to laugh you're like oh i. just want that. you know this just keeps getting bigger. well that's all we ever wanted and now. people like actually like us and want to. come like how could you say no to that. and also the meet and greets like i love. meeting fans and at this point it's like. when you do meet and greets it's not. just like random people that just came. to the club to see you like they're. actually people that like you and like. have good boundaries like i like my fans. now but sometimes i'm like you gotta. understand i can't do it i want to meet. you guys but it's just it's too.

exhausting and. you should i wouldn't want to meet. someone who didn't have the energy i. would never want to put out someone that. i was a fan of if they didn't want to do. it right like i i and it makes me mad. when they're like you cancelled the meet. and greet i'm like do you want to meet. me when i'm tired and i don't want to. meet you is that don't you wish i would. cancel that i'll give you your money. back and i'll love to meet you another. time but why would you want me to do. something i don't want to do yeah. but it's hard because i do want to do it. sometimes i'm just like god can i just. go to a town and do meet and greets yeah.

because a show and a meet and greet is. and then do a two show night that's four. shows i know it's a lot of energy well. that's a weird thing it just becomes. well it just it's a lot of like putting. yourself out there. you know. and it even goes back to what we're. talking about in the beginning it's like. how much of me. i got. yeah i just kept putting myself out. there until it wasn't even about. whatever i had i know i quit feeling. like myself a couple years ago i'm just.

starting to get moments where i feel. like myself again i'm good but um yeah. it's you it's just fear you know a lot. of fear and you don't want to let people. down that's another thing being a. disappointment and being and being. forgotten you think oh if i don't take. the show. you know. your agents will be let down and then. the people will be let down and you. might be forgotten and someone else is. gonna be doing stand up that night and. they're gonna get this much better than. you because they had a one more gym. session because it's like going to the. doing stand-ups like going to the gym so.

not doing sets every [ __ ] night which. is why i moved to st louis because. it's not like a comedy town so i'm not. like there's not places i'm dying. there's not great place there's clubs. there but it's a little bit a far drive. i move there to get away from the. pressure of doing stand up every [ __ ]. night because i come here i'm here for. five days and i have like five sets. every night because i can't turn them. down. because. you know i don't i i because it's a gym. session because it's a like i i'm gonna. get better and i can't stand passing up. an opportunity to get better and to be.

loved by strangers. [Laughter]. yeah i feel you man it's that quiet hole. you know yeah and then feeling like oh. well they don't really know me even. though i'm so honest i mean you're so. honest too like the fact that you can. even say like oh i've gotten an escort. this many times it's like that kind of. stuff people don't talk about and they. rely on us. to talk about it so that they can go oh. maybe i'm not a bad person because i've. got an escort okay theo has two. like that [ __ ] is important for us to. share but there's some times where i'm. like man pull it back a little bit no.

one. people don't need to know this and you. have to i. there are very few things that i keep. private but i have a couple now but. before i was just like anything i'll say. anything and i don't even know if those. things that i've deemed like private if. there's not a time where i'd be like. this is just too good not to share yeah. this podcast isn't going well let me. just. toss this one out this gem. oh yeah. you know like i had a hooker one time an. escort you know or a bit you know i. think i don't know her we should bring. that back she might have an s corp.

actually too i have no idea what her. business abilities were but she um. came over and just made me ended up. making like a carrot soup at my house oh. yum. that's. naked uh i don't know she was in um. i wasn't attracted when she got there. and i was doing drugs and everything i. remember i had on [ __ ]. like this headdress kind of thing. somebody admit like this i've been to. this tribal i did a casino show and they.

made me a headdress yeah so i had that. [ __ ] on dude i was geeked up out of my. brain bro you know what i'm saying so. she made a carrot soup she just saw a. cuisinart and some carrots and. yeah and she thought you she wanted to. take care of you she's like yeah you got. an hour you don't seem like you're doing. well i was like how can you tell indoor. native american. giving you that clue over here. was that the one good experience the one. nice one what's giving you that clue the. headdress and the bloody nose.

theo i'm so glad you're 90 days and she. made the uh but none of that was even. those are just kind of some of those. times are kind of fun times yeah you. know i mean they're great stories thank. god for all that stuff yeah that's true. and now somebody ruined the cocaine you. can't even do it oh no you can't. that is a man i never got into cocaine. but that that's gotta suck if some. you know i'm into weed i'm into like oh. i'm sure there's party that still wants. to [ __ ] risk it because that's. another thing about it it's like.

oh you don't think i'm willing to. [ __ ] risk it all yeah i mean fentanyl. is basically you know it's really the uh. it's the alex trebek of [ __ ] dope you. know. it's just how it's like you know it's. like saying this is the fight do you. want to put it all on the line how are. you know it's a pat sajak of drugs or. whatever it's like are you willing to. risk it all you know it's suicidal it's. it's like it's russian way to look at it. yeah it is i mean but i know what you're. saying man like i. i have the whole show with the lord well.

listen like sometimes i like i have a. compulsion to cut myself like i only did. it once in my life but there's sometimes. that i just feel a certain way and i. just really want to cut myself and i. don't do it because i know that i'll. have to live with the consequence that's. not something that i can like. erase there'll be a scar. there'll be some there's i never. understand that with women i don't know. what i don't know what it is either it's. for me i the only time i cut myself was. when i got caught shoplifting and i. didn't get in trouble for it they let me. go and no one knew about it and i had to.

i had to punish myself i don't know what. it was but i never had the compulsion i. didn't understand cutting i remember. lucy did it on seventh heaven and i was. like what is this and for some reason it. was just exactly what i needed and i. just went to it without even thinking. and i did it yeah and. and man i mean i have so many so many. people got themselves so it's a very. common thing and it's a v i i feel the. desire often instead now i just google. people who cut themselves to hear about. their stories and read about it because.

not so i can like. watch it happening and feel like oh i'm. doing it it just i think that it just. helps to see people that feel as sad and. [ __ ] up as you do and and just know. you're not that weird and so sometimes. like it's soothing to me to just like. watch videos not of people doing it but. of people talking about it same with. suicide i mean i think that's the same. thing of like. i like i see in your eyes when you're. like sometimes i just want to [ __ ]. risk it like so what like i feel the. same way about suicide for me it's like. i think about it a lot it's my go-to.

response when i'm feeling sad about. myself or about the world like i get i. just think about killing myself and it's. like literally soothing like i will just. go to bed and just like. smile thinking about the option and i'm. not gonna do it i know like i've made a. pact with myself as much as you can. never gonna do it no matter how much i. want to. but man that like just. that doesn't sound safe though nikki no. i know that's why i talk about it. because. if i don't talk about it that's when it. can get out of control but i feel like. if i'm honest about it i've never.

attempted it i've never planned anything. i've never written a note like i've. honestly written a note or not no no i. mean the first step would be cleaning my. apartment and like getting my affairs in. order so that my parents wouldn't have. to like deal with that stuff and even. that is like that's really i mean i used. to have a joke about it but honestly a. lot of times my apartment's so messy the. idea of even like my mom would have to. deal with my death and have to like. clean my apartment. and like the emts would arrive and see. like look at this jesus christ she lived. like a [ __ ] hoarder like that.

judgment on the other side of my death. i i would need you i would already be in. i couldn't do it if i'm killing myself. i'm killing myself in a case yeah i want. to make it like as easy right but that's. not possible and it's never going to be. easy and i will literally never. it's no it's not possible to make it. easy because you will always leave. behind people that it's it's not. emotionally easy oh yeah yeah yeah it's. never going to be no matter how much you. think people are going to be better off. take it easy bub you know sorry or. whatever yes no they're not gonna be. like all right i'm gonna take it easy.

since he's dead but so many people think. like they'll be better off without me. you know like that's the thing and like. it's committing suicide is a disease. it's the end of a disease it's like you. know stage. four it's like it's a terminal illness. so no one like i don't ever blame anyone. who commits suicide because i feel like. they really don't have a choice that was. no they're trying to alleviate whatever. pain is inside of them yeah and their. pain is in them so much they're like the. only way to stop this pain is to stop. the where it lives which is inside of. myself yeah it makes sense yeah um but.

it's but let's talk about something else. is that okay oh please i'm sorry to even. get on that but it i just want to say. that like. if you have thought if you have thoughts. like that out there like. seriously it's it's a part of a disease. your brain is like [ __ ]. you're not because i would get into. whenever i get into that let's let's. take a suicide any negative thought. about myself sometimes you like believe. i believe like oh this is the truth like. sometimes i don't want to take my. antidepressants because i'm like. they're lies.

i really see the truth and i don't want. to feel better because this is the truth. the world is [ __ ]. climate change. i'm old no one cares about me i'm not. funny i'm not like i'm not that. interesting i no one really loves me and. i know that if i take a pill i'll i. won't feel those thoughts but sometimes. i'm like then you're just dumbing. yourself but really. i'm i have a sickness i have the flu for. my brain and i'm thinking that the flu. is like right and it's not oh that's. interesting yeah so. if that helps anyone or maybe if that.

makes anyone feel worse please call. someone there's always someone that will. talk to you about how you feel. yeah i mean we yeah it's hard to tell in. every moment. like if you're helping people or hurting. them you know but that's just like. sharing the [ __ ] like as dark as it is i. think it's gotta help because whenever i. find people like talking about stuff and. i go oh their life is probably perfect. not that anyone ever thinks that my life. is perfect but. i just find that i always want to know. when peop i just want people to be more. honest about how they struggle or. insecure.

um. you know i sometimes i look at girls and. i'm like project so much perfection onto. like these models and like god. they never get sad their homes are. probably so clean and perfect and. their skin is just glowy all the time. and i just am so jealous and so. resentful and then i hear that they like. hate the way they look and part of me. goes [ __ ] you [ __ ] you hate the way you. look you model but then i don't know it. then i kind of feel like it it actually. helps me because i go like. well this is just a sickness because. clearly this girl is.

like she's not of the right mind so. maybe i have a little hint of that yeah. maybe i'm not seeing myself clearly. well i think that's what's really. interesting is that as much footage and. everything as we have now of ourselves. that we don't see ourselves clearly dude. somehow we've lost this huge perception. of uh. of what even the value of being human i. mean i think it almost goes back to like. we're talking about about the moment. it's like. it doesn't feel like we're enough.

anymore it feels like even i thought. about this the other day it feels like. it used to feel like 20 years ago if you. died it would really mean something. and it would matter. and it would really have a like a. longevity to people and now that doesn't. really feel. it feels like people would get over it. pretty quickly and the world would move. on that's what it feels like it feels. like so much faster than it would have. even those closest to you yeah and not. even because they would want to but just.

because of how whatever's happening to. us as a species you've got it jesse yeah. you got to move on and i you you do you. do not have to move on that quick if one. of us dies no you don't but like you. kind of do because what are you you're. never coming back. i if i die dude i'm writing out a. holiday inn for like seven years people. can come there whenever they want and. think about me or look at maybe i love. that leave images or something in there. people can look at them maybe leave like. a little. you know a little replica of hand with. no fingers on it you know yeah and.

people can just. beat themselves with it i don't know but. but here's the crazy part i bet after. like a week nobody would even come. no for anybody. no you're right for anyone but i think. that anybody i mean i mean i just. recently went to columbine. because i just i don't know what. happened my freshman year of high school. it was. very just i was just morbidly curious i. guess about it i was f i've always been. fascinated by it i read a few books. about it and i'm like i'm i love i i.

don't i hate to say i love columbine but. like the way that some women are. obsessed with murders and we go oh. they're murderistas or whatever and it's. like cute that's you that's me but for. like for columbine 9 11 a little bit. like i'm. my high school was bookended by. columbine 911 and so like but i went to. columbine and um. i it was so weird to go to this place. where this like this thing happened go. to the memorial that is on kind of right. off campus. and it's just like no one else is there. like. memorializing it like i thought there.

would be like crowds but it's just like. no this is the students that go there. don't even think about that like maybe. they do but it doesn't seem like it was. like. in the air there it's like they've moved. on and i'm still like how is everyone. here like i just thought that everyone. knew that i was there to like check out. where things happened and no one cared. there was i saw a cop car and i'm like. oh they probably patrol this area so. that people don't come and like. you know and he's not. yeah he's just a cop car at a high. school like another direction.

they got a new dunkin put in around the. corner yeah but people move on yeah and. i i remember one time a friend of mine. died and i was. i had too much i had a busy week. and i. i had too much going on and i remember. thinking i can't. i can't cancel this thing that i have to. be happy for and like on for. and i just put a bookmark in my feelings. because i go he's never not gonna be. dead i can do this later wow like. it doesn't need to happen now i can.

literally just save this for later and i. just didn't feel anything completely. shut myself off to the sadness for a few. days. and was able to do that because i just. rationalized like i have all the time in. the world he's never coming back like. so i think that's later yeah yeah that's. what everybody everything feels like. that now but i wonder what happens as a. society if when you get all those. unprocessed feelings and all that i. don't know and i think we're just. learning too you know and also we store. everything now in this third party. there's like a third party to exist and.

so you used to just be you and god or. you know you and the universe oh now. there's the cloud and now there is this. other. yeah there's this other. kind of mirror. but it's also like. a mirror that has. you feel like somebody's behind it with. a control a little bit you mean like. your social media presence. i just mean all of this. everything us recording it you know all. of it how we record everything yeah you.

know. it's like i'll record this and then i'll. we never watch any of it later it never. means it's like. it's like. the moment i don't know it's just. something about. the moment used to matter more to us. because we didn't get so many of them. now it's like you can open your tick. tock and get a thousand moments from. other people and look at them all and. whatever and so. the moment doesn't have as much. pictures like we just take pictures and. like you get them developed and it was. an event to get them back and now.

we don't even print pictures and we. don't hang pictures up they're just in. our phone and and that was all and then. yeah half of them 99 percent of will. never make it out never be seen again. and it's like it's just and then we're. all doing that instead of. being you know. i sometimes look at my own instagram. feed it's like we all work for sony kind. of. we kind of i mean i think we do i think. that's. or whoever. owns sony but it's like sometimes i look.

at my own instagram feed and i'll get. jealous. of myself. be like god she's like. i'll forget i'm almost looking at myself. and i'll go back far enough where it. seems like a different person's life and. i'm like god she has it all she's. killing it and i'll have that moment of. like [ __ ] i'm doing it to myself like so. when i do it to other people it's gotta. be a lie because i remember that day i. was not happy and i look like i'm. killing it oh my god she does everything. she's so busy she works so hard i start. getting like threatened by my. past self. and then i always run the risk of like.

when i post something like. i don't want to look like i'm like look. at me. but i also need people to look at me. yeah and i'm always mitigating this like. i hope people don't think i think i'm. cool. but i also want people to think i'm cool. but you can't. like my biggest fear that i always think. is like i just don't want female comics. mainly female comics to screenshot this. and text it to each other in a mass text. of like making fun of me and being like. look at how sweet she thinks she is she. looks she thinks she looks hot here.

isn't that sad what does she what's. going on with her yeah that i that's. what i think about her really you think. about that huh oh yeah like my peers my. funny peers who i look up to. you know talking about me because we do. that i mean when and when i do it it's. always when i'm threatened it's always a. girl showing her body in a way that i'm. like oh my god i say i say oh this is so. sad but really i'm like i wish i could. show my body like that and be that free. and like not care what people think. who is more. threatening to women you think other.

female comedian women or other men. comedians. i think it's i think it's a totally. different thing and so it's kind of hard. to compare the two because it's such a. different kind of threat but. um female comedians like we yeah we. definitely are threatened by one another. and i think it's it podcasts this more. conversational. nature of what we're doing now and. sharing and like uh it's made me a lot. more open about like my insecurities and. being able to tell when you're like i. need to mute i need to mute you. sometimes like i i'm sometimes i you.

know. telling taylor tomlinson like i. like i sometimes don't watch your clips. because i don't. want to know how funny you are because. it makes me feel insecure or i like i i. being able to say it's so embarrassing. to say that but like it's just true and. it's not and it's not helping anything. but yeah i think that we. i know yeah there's tons of female. comics that have i mean my biggest. uh. my the worst interactions i've had in.

comedy have been with female comics like. i was pretty badly bullied what like. in stand up when i first got into it. like almost bullied out of comedy when i. first started and. just looked up to this girl that was on. the scene like only wanted to be her had. nothing but reverence for her did not. even consider that i mean i was not a. stand-up that like thought i was good. when i first started i was not one that. was like hey asking the headliner to. watch my set like i was embarrassed. because i knew i was bad cause i just. started and i knew.

that i was gonna get better but did you. work with the girl or no you know we. were in the same scene in st louis and. like she was the top dog on the scene so. funny a little bit older. and um. and she just hated me just hated me. thought i wasn't funny um. and then she also thought tommy. johnathan wasn't funny he was we were. kind of like the two young comics in st. louis and that's when i knew like oh i'm. probably funny because if she thinks. tommy's not tommy's just i knew tommy. was funny so i was like oh she just. thinks anyone who's funny funny is isn't. funny so that that made me feel better.

but she. she just like spread lies that i slept. with people for stage time and i was a. [ __ ] virgin at the time like i. literally had never had sex and i was. she's saying i was sucking dick for. stage time when i was turning down stage. time i mean there were guys there was. headliners that came through and they. would offer me guest sets because they. probably liked me and i was funny enough. but you know have you ever blown an. indian guy before no. no. why. i don't know. no i haven't not yet. bucket list you got to get out there huh.

it's weird sometimes i think i feel like. i can't even i never i feel like indian. people don't even have penises i feel. like i've never i don't know i never. even like even in porn i never even yeah. i guess i don't see much indian. representation in porn they don't indian. people yeah it's like i can't even. imagine i can't even imagine an indian. guy with a penis really yeah. i can for some reason i know i'm like. i'm into it. yeah.

um what else we want to go through a. couple of news topics i'm trying right. there's anything else we want to talk. about i feel like yeah we covered. everything did we he was good i mean not. like it's been a good conversation how. do you think he's been zach all right. oh yeah you're about an hour 40 right. would you like tell us the truth zach. would you ever be like this this was not. your best and then just take it out. later i don't think you would i would. tell you the truth it would be good okay. no balls at all okay that's good i still. don't know if i'm no lull's like no lols. yeah l-u-l-o yes yes yes okay uh this is.

the story we were talking about you're. talking about dms earlier dozier cat is. calling out noah uh this guy from. stranger things he plays uh will i guess. she dm'd him trying to hook up with the. guy who plays eddie on the show oh. you're familiar. and uh he shared their dm thread and she. called him out saying it's kind of. weasel [ __ ] so isn't this kid 17 that. she dm'd she yes but she's dming him. about. with the guy i still think it's like i'm. not saying that she's doing anything. inappropriate by dming a 17 year old but.

the 17 year old is might screenshot your. conversation i mean he's a child so you. don't get mad and also it's a little. strange just dm the guy that you're into. this is the guy she was trying to hook. up with looks like wouldn't known a. writer. um okay i don't watch the show but so. what did she say i can't read that what. was her first okay. noah can you. sorry all my glasses on no you tell. josephs to hit me up. uh wait no does he have a girlfriend and.

he goes lmao slide into his dms okay is. ig on twit or twitter he doesn't have a. dm to slide into okay so she she would. have. oh and then he sent her it. right here man see this one we call her. ma'am. ouch. that is cold and. i think it's strange she went through uh. why do you. cause sometimes people will do this. thing they will say hey what about your. friend but they're really trying to go. after you i don't know.

that was my first thought too i don't. want to make any accusations i'm not. making accusations i mean that's just. very realistic. they got a brighter name tmz loves to. say or they got a writer age. these publications love to see a woman's. age. doji cat is 26. okay 26 sorry that's if. i was trying to get a. find out about a guy i would not go to. one of his children co-stars. to find out his thing and she also may.

not have known how old this guy is yes. maybe but give it a go. yeah um yeah i think oh do you ever. worry about that girl's screenshot in. your stuff. what girl just any girls like you dm. maybe like you know fans yeah i've never. seen. i'd never have sent anything really in. obscene or nothing you know my buddy i. used to use a dick pic for you know two. times i sent it but it was my buddies my. friend jason oh that's good yeah did it. look like yours enough that it was like. okay to use or were you just like no i.

think it was just you know i was. probably and you know driving or. something and i just was like. i need a dick pic hey. yeah and like hey can you yeah you know. and he's kind of he's 17. and he's. looking for work yeah. he's 17. um let's get some real news is there any. cute adult news going on. oh yeah. oh yeah so elon's walking away from his. twitter deal twitter's threat. of all of our time talking about this.

guy buying it really. why he had twin he's having twins. apparently with someone i know one of. the people who works how efficient is he. if he's having [ __ ] twins dude. you got to respect that guy efficiency. two birds. um. yeah i was just annoyed by this this is. like when people say they're going. they're retiring and then come out of. retirement i go we wasted so much energy. talking about you buying twitter and now. you're not it's like god can i get that.

time back i know. but it's like you gotta set twitter free. it's just way too far left. like uh. it just caters to way too much of one. side of all views i feel like it just. seems like a because here's what i was. gonna make it better i hope he doesn't i. hope he gets it and then just kills it. oh that's yeah you're right i mean i. would i'm already pretty much done. because print is kind of dead yes so. once that's gone. what are we gonna do then it's just.

gonna be video stuff i just think it. leaves us in a better spot because you. ca that's the only place you can easily. go. and just get all these other like quick. replies and like thoughts from p it's. like. you know the other um. social media platforms there's not as it. doesn't seem as easy to do that it's. like you know you can pull some comments. off my instagram feeds but that doesn't. feel like things don't catch fire right. ideas don't catch fire as quickly as. twitter right yeah yeah you're right. that's a good that's an interesting.

perspective of he would have run it into. the ground yeah and now that's not gonna. happen right and then i don't know if. there's another one that gets people's. like where they can quote people as much. and as easily with print and so then it. like kind of sets us free from all that. ah so i feel like the best thing that he. could do. elon. if that's even your name which it. probably isn't but is buy it and kill it. you know. you know what do they say kill birds or. whatever or don't i don't know what they. say man but do it.

what else do we have oh we got the roe. versus wade you guys they overturned. rovers wait was there more news. yeah i mean. louisiana is one of the places where. they just put in they had a they banned. it. yeah same with missouri where i live. i'm shocked kind of that this happened. yeah yeah it's sad. i for the first time ever. like. i. hearing people say.

you know don't tell a woman what to do. with her body like the people that. believe abortion is like literally. killing a baby. like i i kind of see their point. if you believe that it's a baby at a. certain like late term abortion i don't. think any i wouldn't be for that and i'm. very pro and how late do they do it i. mean if it's there should be a line for. sure. but they can smile or something i think. you can't do it i don't know how they. see that. smile. you know what i'm saying though like if.

it can like. yeah i mean there should be a line but. then it's like okay if you miss the day. before that line is that not like what. when is close what's the [ __ ] line. but there needs to be one but i do see. for the first time when when you know. people people on the pro-choice side are. saying. don't stop trying to control a woman's. body i mean. i believe that that is what they're. trying to do but i think that people. that are pro-life a lot of times they. just think you're killing babies and i. kind of sarah silverman used to have i. think a bit about like seeing little.

girls with signs outside of an abortion. clinic you know picketing with their. parents and these little girls literally. think they're in their stabbing babies. which is like. of course you would be against that so i. don't i don't blame people that really. think it's a human life and. and are against that but i really think. this is about. like wanting to punish women for being. [ __ ] like it's like. huge you chose to you wanted to [ __ ]. someone and and i i don't know this is. me kind of going a step further i think.

men want to punish women who don't [ __ ]. them so oh you want to [ __ ] someone. other than me you're gonna have to keep. the baby then you stupid [ __ ] i think. it's punishing women for being [ __ ] men. love [ __ ] when they're [ __ ] for them. but they [ __ ] hate [ __ ] when they're. [ __ ] for other men. and i say [ __ ] says like that's not what. i'm calling them that's what i think. meant i know what you're talking about. yeah what men think women just love. dicks. so much when really we have sex with men. a lot of times not because we love dicks. and us but because we want men to like. us and to protect us and we want.

to give you guys what you want what does. it feel like does it feel like you're. having like your hat like you like after. you've eaten dinner does it just feel. like that but in your vagina. oh like like stuffed like literally like. thanksgiving like um. sometimes if you like have a lot of. stuff in you but no it does not feel. like it does not feel like you're like. oh i'm going to throw. yeah regurgitating um no it feels like. um i guess you just like don't know what.

it's like i'm not trying to you guys. could feel like anally i'm just trying. to think about it that's the only thing. that we can share is what anal sex feels. like that's the only thing men and women. can go i know what you're talking about. which i kind of like about it is that. why you think women and gay men get. along well. no but that is interesting. um but i do i do like. i i do like talking to gay men about. anal sex because i enjoy it and i like. talking about like isn't it great and no. one like [ __ ] knows how great it is.

and you guys like have to do it because. you don't have anything else but like. also like you're not doing it because. you're like i guess this is all we have. like it literally feels good or they. probably wouldn't do it but they should. be able to find another way to do it. also dude they can redesign a damn. [ __ ] living room in a heartbeat but. you can't. they don't need to find another way dude. it feels so good well then that's fine. yeah it really like if you find a way to. make it work it can really work for you. yeah. i am. not.

not interested. i remember they had this group for a. while it was like trying to get they had. this gay group in our area that was. trying to get um. it was like we want to know what it. feels like to have a period or whatever. to like to partner with women so they. would wearing um tampons in their bottom. and for like four that's not what it. feels like to put in a tampon yeah that. was crazy man and they were like trying. to get you know. get people on board with that i was like. dude i ain't doing that no i would not.

there's nothing worse than putting a. tampon up your vagina when you're not. bleeding it's like dr that's what it. would feel like up your [ __ ] that's. terrible yeah this guy yeah this group. was no this group was idiots they. weren't even i don't know if they even. had a uh. flag or they were sanctioned or whatever. it could have just been some pervy gay. dudes you know i cannot believe that. that's a thing like in solidarity oh. yeah really all right.

oh my god. they used to have a lot of i'm trying to. think of like what it is they used to. have a group called i talked about. talking before with least of a group. called [ __ ] fist fights right that would. come to the bars in louisiana it was gay. men and they would come and fight and. fist fight and you'd pay to go watch. wait um okay so they would. but it was just like like boxing yeah. yeah that was way too good. and you would pay to go watch it yeah. we'd go there and drink you go and drink. and watch you know and it was a rod like.

were they did were they enjoying it in. an erotic way did you think it was like. a sexual thing they were beaten if there. was anything straight left in any of. them i think they'd cheated out of each. other. was it like a self-hating thing you. think as gay men. because they were couldn't be themselves. i don't know it reminds me of this kid. that i grew up with and he dated this. gal who i think was a lesbian probably. early lesbian you know. and he would always he had like she. would like bruise his penis up and it. would like he would always show us and. it was like dude i don't think she likes.

that yeah. [ __ ] i mean she's never heard of. anything like that i mean she bruises i. mean yeah. this kid bradley and he used to be a. referee did he like it. because there's something he was happy. that somebody was touching his penis but. i think he wish it was somebody else oh. man. yeah it looked like she had just you. know that is the thing about penises. like you just asked me what it feels. like to have a penis in you like you. don't you can't understand what that. feels like and you even said before like. just loitering with the just you know.

having a penis between your legs like. that is wild to me that you guys have. that just like swinging. all the time and that also the thing. that blew my mind about penises when i. first encountered them was that they go. i thought a boner just was like 90. degrees i didn't know they could go like. all the way up and i love that they can. just be like i love a flaccid penis i. love playing with them i think they're. so fun i like to just hold. them when they're flasked and i know. guys don't like that because it's like. oh i'm small but i just love i just. think they're so fun while i'm laying. down if i squeeze my penis yeah for long.

enough. i'll go to sleep it's comforting it's. good yeah. it's good the same way i think women do. that with our uh tits just like hold it. the guy just gets to go do this. and it feels like i get why that is. exciting to men and i just get to see it. well it feels like you're holding on to. like. it's like the chain of life a little bit. you're like hugging you're nurturing. yourself i like again i didn't get. touched enough as a kid i don't think. and i in the right way you know yeah and.

so yeah same i think let's look at a. little bit more yeah so if this starts. to happen though if they shut down the. uh oh yeah what's gonna happen do you. think like how do you see that playing. out. just. women getting them illegally right it's. just gonna be something for the elite. they're just or. and they're just gonna. do it in unsafe methods and so there's. still gonna be abortion but it's just. women are gonna die streets back all. right [ __ ] that is so [ __ ] funny. it's gonna get.

risque out there. [Music]. honestly that makes me feel so happy. that. out of all of that all of this that. makes me so sad. you can make that joke and like that. wouldn't exist without. this happening and i'm grateful that. that joke can exist it doesn't make it. worth it but that that fact that i'm. always i'm gonna tell everyone about. this joke.

and that will bring a little bit of joy. to this very scary time to just go back. streets back all right. damn yeah with this abortion stuff man. what if they start going back to those. way like. no it's so. yeah i've never had one um and it. doesn't look like i'm ever gonna be able. to i live in missouri so i can't get one. anymore. but i you know you just. i'd be i'd i'd find a way so people are. then gonna drive across state lines to. get them if i needed to yeah there's.

going to be like little abortion wagons. or whatever like you'll. see like a train of just like. spent broads rolling through town you. know. you know just like legs hanging over. this out the side of the thing it's just. like we're taking them off yeah we're. taking them all up north you know. i know. oh man um yeah no the girl you can go to. like the underground snail rose oh my.

god oh my [ __ ] god. there's just gonna be greyhound buses. full of freaking just just breast milk. leaking out the back of it. just charter just like the [ __ ] uh. gestation charters llc just like all. kinds of. crazy llc's opening up.

just trucking these friends damn it theo. stop. just trucking these. [ __ ] serving broads. oh out. you're contributing to the narrative. it's so sad it's ridiculous man it's. like but have you ever had a scare have. you ever had. i'm sure i don't no like i won't even. have sex two times in a row with the. woman because i don't want the. possibility of. since i got off a first time of any more.

semen getting in there oh my god it's. like you're like. buying two lottery tickets you don't. want to double your chances oh yeah i. don't want to single my chances whoa. dude do you pull out is that your. way out do you use condoms i don't know. i don't regularly use them but i have. used yeah for sure yeah but i mean i use. them when it's necessary yes you know. yes. man but you're rich now man if i like. jumped off a building and landed into a. vagina on the street yeah i would use a. condom.

okay but like do you worry that girls. are going to try to keep it in try to. find the com put it in them. uh uh i go i'll go to i'll drake puts. hot sauce in his condoms i'll keep it. far away. oh i'm from louisiana dude i wouldn't be. shocked if people have done a lot of. that [ __ ]. i wouldn't be surprised if uh there's. already acid in it. some of the bouillabaisse out there. um you gotta worry about that [ __ ] i. know man girls do crazy stuff. i just don't even want to ejaculate.

anymore i just don't even know if it's. safe probably best for your mind not to. like. it [ __ ] you up go back to my old. neighborhood and just. yard out for dad. i get up i mean all right your dad's. still alive no no okay god i really want. to get to the bottom of what that. reasoning was. [Music]. just giving it back to the earth yeah it. wasn't it wasn't about shaming you. though it wasn't like don't you [ __ ]. do this again no he just said that's. gods he put it back.

oh [ __ ]. but that's how it is. but yeah what do you think will happen. would you go get one still you think or. would you do you think it's going to. create because i guess if the idea is i. get how. religious people i get if they are. overtly religious and valid religious. i get some of their. like you're saying i get their minds i. can understand people's mindsets on it. yeah right i can too i can even. understand the mindsets of the men who. are just like.

god women if they really were able to. harness their sexuality they could. destroy us we should. probably [ __ ] put some sanctions on. this because. you know. bill clinton sacrifice think of what. bill clinton sacrificed to get a [ __ ]. like really think about that because his. balls were full one day. and a flirty skirt walked by the office. and he sacrificed everything that he had. worked so he got to the top position and. he put it all in the line for a [ __ ]. and then another one and then a [ __ ].

cigar up a [ __ ] like if women were. really able to harness what we could do. to. that that power how defenseless men are. to wanting to come. we could take over like that's some. powerful [ __ ]. so what of course i'd want to control. that if i were a man and saw my my. livelihood and my. sense of power and self being threatened. by. women and and their bodies i'd want to. [ __ ]. try to if i was a bad person and wanted. to like a selfish person a narcissist. i'd want to control that i even.

understand that logic and i think that's. where it comes from. but some guys i think honestly he also. was just in the white house i think like. he just got in the oval office. i think there's something about guys. like if you just get into a new room. it's like you want to kind of ejaculate. in it like dude i'll stay at a hampton. inn bro and i'm not in there 40 minutes. before i'm like. i gotta spill out in here wait you just. said you don't like to put out your like. you but you want it out oh i'm talking. about as a child you know right okay. okay but as an adult i think as a man.

you're you're like you know. i'll save your claim yeah oh dude i'm 75. minutes i'm. you know where's where's the most common. a hotel room based on when you have come. in hotel rooms. comforter like the top sheet no on the. floor i think on the floor okay. good to know. what do you think. yeah with i would think like i would. just like if i were. even myself i just kind of like smear it. on like the pillowcase or like wipe my. hand like on a pillow i'm not using and.

just like something i know is gonna get. washed oh. or like a toil just like rub it in the. sheets dude one time this girl had. stayed over with me at a hotel this. awesome girl. and. she had gotten her menstrual cycle yeah. and. i didn't know i had to go to the. cleaning lady and say like hey you know. i don't know what to do do i. pay for this you know oh that's nice of. you or whatever yeah you know oh there. they got it they don't and she was like.

i don't know where she was from another. country right yeah and so i didn't know. what i was like trying to like i was. like. the. and i was just like how does he. you know yes. and uh. and i don't think she understood i did. give her 20 bucks yeah yeah that's good. throw 20 on if it's messy and looks like. a crime scene like yeah hush money so. what do you think is going to happen. because i was in uh santa monica the. other day having breakfast with my. friend.

who we've talked about having a kid. together also. and uh. she. oh and a parade went by a. get out of our [ __ ] parade it was like. a protesting parade and it was really. cool to see people protest and it was. real creative that was really cool. um. is get out of our [ __ ] talking to men. or talking to the baby that they have in. there. [Laughter]. okay so a parade's going by you're with. this lady that you might have a baby.

with as an and as his friend friends i. like it okay and uh. and yeah this lady was going i mean. there was a lady just screaming get out. my body you know get out my bus. and i was like i could not even imagine. anybody ever being in this ladies. vagina ever yes but i'm not saying that. it hasn't and i might say i have no idea. what her life is like. [Music]. but. i was like whatever whatever gets out of.

her [ __ ] i wish it would get into her. mouth because. this lady is a [ __ ] guy yeah. sometimes it's like i think that women. get so mad. that they feel like it's like trying to. silence us and you know put and control. us so like what's the opposite of that. being so loud being so offensive. like. doing doing the opposite like i don't. know when i was on the road with bert. when roe v wade got overturned and i had. already had planned on taking my shirt.

off at some point on the tour with bert. as just like an homage to bert just like. a funny thing that because he kind of. joked like it'd be funny if you took. your shirt off and i was like. oh yeah like i never do that but i was. like i would do that that's kind of. funny and then roe v wade got overturned. and i don't know i was we were in the. south and it was kind of like i think i. told someone on his tour like i might. like take my toffee and they're like you. have to cover your nipples like like. it's we could go to jail like you could. get arrested for that and for some. reason that like. so bert can show his nipples but i can't. like it made me mad and i kind of and i.

ended up picking him up for my shirt and. it was just to make bert laugh and like. make everyone laugh but it was like. there was something about it being. naughty and being like. it's. first of all i didn't want anyone to. think i was doing it because i want to. like look hot or like want to titillate. i was really doing it for laughs and. just a fun thing but it felt a little. bit like. [ __ ] you like sorry if you if you're. turned on by me or if these are like a. burden to you like it felt like a [ __ ]. you in a way that it didn't intend kind. of like a bra burning like i'm gonna be. loud and proud and like sorry if this.

makes you uncomfortable sorry if there. are kids here look at my [ __ ] tits. and i had a brawn it was totally covered. but there was something about like man. if i wanted to take my shirt off and. show my nipples i couldn't that's kind. of weird. that is weird to me that like that's. super weird they there's like they've um. on tv i think there was like a a trans. person getting top surgery. and. they like you know as their before. surgery. flat-chested uh pre-op they show the. whole nipple and everything the second. they put an implant in blur like the.

second it becomes a woman's tit. not okay and there's just and i get it. because. it is distracting like. we don't want to turn men on and like. they're they're. i'm not i. gotta get some tit out there but yeah i. really do feel like there's something in. me that's like man i want to [ __ ] do. a topless special not because i want to. be like look at my awesome tits but to. be like [ __ ] deal with it and if bert. can do it and it is freeing it's fun to. take your shirt off on stage there's. something so vulnerable about it like.

we're talking about stripping there's. something like. i don't [ __ ] care what you guys think. of me take me in look at me i like. myself there's something yeah there's. there was something about it that wasn't. look at me i'm hot it was a little bit. of a [ __ ] you and i don't know how to. define that but it's i think i had. something in common with that [ __ ]. woman screaming get out of my posse. yeah. like yeah that is funny when you go i. think i don't even think you could carry. a child ma'am at your age but like i. like no one's no one's talking about. your [ __ ] and they have it for a while.

but i like that you're so upset about it. and you're making you're ruining my. lunch that's uh you know what and now. that i now that you say that i'm like. you're right you're like if you're gonna. protest it has to be it has to be. annoying right it has to be in your face. like i always i'm vegan and i post vegan. [ __ ] all the time and then i'll say this. that lady did a [ __ ] good job yeah. we're talking about it now like it's. making it. because as a vegan like i i [ __ ] used. to hate vegans they're so annoying i. thought they always thought they were. better than us constantly reminding us. of like animal suffering putting things.

in your face that you're like jesus. christ. and then one day it [ __ ] worked they. got through they were annoying enough. that i go honestly i can't deny this. anymore i gotta go vegan so i i post it. all the time and. it is a little shamey of like listen i. was once you too i used to think this. way i used to be in denial of it but. tell me watch this video and try to eat. a pig today later today and see what. happens so because it worked on me. people being obnoxious i used to make. fun of vegans i used to [ __ ] hate. them resent them oh god uh and now i'm.

one of them and it's because they were. so obnoxious so you got to be loud. that's a good point you got to be loud. got to be annoying you got to have. people hate what you're doing because. otherwise you're not going to get. noticed yeah. especially these days but it's hard. because all i want is to be liked i. don't ever want to be annoying i hate. that. i know huh i never want to be people. think like i she thinks she's cool or. like she thinks she's. yeah i just i i and it's it's you know. it's ironic because i. talk into a microphone for a living and.

no one else can talk and i make make. people listen to me but i'm so scared of. people thinking that. i'm annoying or that i want attention or. something when clearly i [ __ ] do i. know. that's fascinating well it used to be a. different level of manageability before. there was social media stuff it was just. like i'm good at my craft come see me do. it and now every time you put something. out there's a risk. that it's like maybe. they'll see. that i'm not and they won't come see me.

do what i'm actually good at i don't. post any stand-up clips literally none. i've done three hour specials. four half hours like i have hours of. stand up i could be all over tick tock i. could kill it with my clips i cannot put. them out there because i'm scared that. they're gonna look closely and see i'm. actually not talented. whereas if you just see. trailers for things or you see pictures. of me doing stand-up. who knows i can be the [ __ ]. i know i'm funny i know i kill i. but then there's a a part of me that.

thinks i'm uh imposter you know that i'm. a charlatan that i'm tricking people. yeah. so and it's scary for me to even admit. that because i'm like please don't go. look closely please just just think i'm. funny like don't go analyze it. yeah i do the same thing to comics like. you know you watch some comics and you. go god this [ __ ] guy sucks and look. at all his tricks and you like i'm. scared of people doing the same thing. that i do i gotta work on what i do in. my judgment of people and then the self. and then me worrying about what everyone. else thinks will go away if i stop. because i'm just doing it i'm scared of.

doing of people doing to me exactly what. i do to them. damn. right yeah look i appreciate your. honesty were we ever gonna date i don't. think we ever were we never even talked. about it no. and it's like. uh but i've always like. just i mean you're the funniest [ __ ]. person and you're real as [ __ ] and i. love that you talk you're like anyone. who's in recovery and struggles with. that [ __ ] i'm like so yeah i'm just like. so into it and because it's like we have. to operate on a different level of. honesty than.

a lot of our peers like you think you're. honest and then you get in recovery and. you're like well i wasn't really being. and i think it's like carried over into. my stand up i don't know if it helps. sometimes though what do you mean. because it gives you more stuff to. evaluate your stuff on. like or doing podcasting sometimes it's. like man now there's so much more like. you know sometimes i used to think i was. being kind of like. i'm sharing what's going on with myself. and then then when i get really like. judgmental it's like of myself or like. in fear it's like man look at all this i.

can't believe i did this to like i've. put all this out that you know it's like. i don't know it gives like. it gives that fear another like punch of. like. you shouldn't have done this you know. yes you're too overexposed and then they. use it against you sometimes you'll get. vulnerable and say something that like. you're like you know what i'm gonna put. this out there and. share this thing i don't usually share. because i'm with my friend and it just. feels safe and then. you find that fans will watch that and.

the second they get they they they start. using it again they'll say like we're. worried about you are you suicidal again. like you said you were on rogan or like. and then you go or they'll. you know yeah that i i just have found. that sharing too much peop i forget i. share certain stuff and then it comes. back to haunt me with fans just knowing. too much and they don't they shouldn't. know things my only my best friends or. my sponsors no but for some reason i'm. giving them that why. and why wouldn't they feel close to me. of course they would they're listening.

in their ear to me say like things that. their closest friends don't even tell. them. of course they feel like they they're. worried about me i hate when people. worry about me man [ __ ] oh yeah isn't. that the [ __ ] worst yeah it's like. i'll [ __ ] worry about me you idiot. yeah yeah i worry you don't know me and. you're trying to get closer to me but. and i get it i've been worried about it. it's like i'll [ __ ] worry about me. you know it's like i'm i'm the one who. worries about me that's where my thought. is it's just like i've worried about me. this long yeah i don't need you to come. do it that's where my thoughts and it.

strikes me as pity and it strikes me as. someone like talking about me behind my. back me being like a i don't i don't. know i just like growing up in high. school and having like an eating. disorder always having people having. meetings behind your back of like what. are we gonna do about nikki like and. then finding out later like the whole. school is meeting about me and all my. friends are having conferences with my. parents and call like that kind of [ __ ]. you could have been eating one wiener. nobody would have said you know what i'm. saying there's nothing i would have done. a demo in the [ __ ] living room in. front of our parents. yeah but there's no conference about.

that no there's never you're starved. from nutrition people were like we gotta. discuss this yeah i was getting too hot. but you're out there carving up on. freaking little henry's nut bags. okay nobody says a word any more news we. got to discuss zach or what. i mean you kind of hit the big hits i. can pull something else the big hits we. got doja. don't you can't slide and that rover i. just wonder if it's gonna go all the way. through i just i wonder if this is also. becoming a thing where it's like.

everything's kind of not working now. it's like the airlines aren't working. right like. the everything that the the post office. doesn't work anymore yeah it's like. every kind of like the environment right. yeah. the air outside it's so. so hot yeah and this is just the. beginning it's [ __ ] scary. everything's breaking down. yeah and we're all kind of just like. pretending that it's not like we're. joking about it we're like commenting on.

it here and there but it is. terrifying things are fall like it's. like it feels like or also. things are just kind of going along and. there's so much media that is about fear. that's right that's what i can't i can't. figure out. which one it is. i think it's probably a mixture of both. but i think for. i don't know it's. i really don't want to read about the. climate anymore i just there's no good. news there's never any [ __ ] good news.

about polar bears there's never an. animal news story that like. makes you feel good yeah there's maybe. like that dodo account or whatever and. you read about a rehabilitated pit bull. or something like a [ __ ] donkey he's. friends with oh yeah. parrots are the other day ahead of two. parrots killing a cat on twitter yeah i. mean it's just [ __ ] unreal so hot. thinking about having a kid i'm sorry. i'm s. you can't not have a kid cause it's so. hot dude get your [ __ ] lazy ass off. you can't not have a kid because it's. too hot to have a kid they're not gonna.

be able to go outside and you're gonna. have to hang out with them all the. [ __ ] time. that's what listen this isn't about me. being like my child will never get to. experience a safari and get to swim in. the ocean it's like i'm just i don't. want to deal with a child during like. the end times and i don't i don't want. to go i don't want to be around a kid 24. hours a day in a [ __ ] bunker. without electricity. that's what sucked would suck get out oh. my bunker yeah that's what i would be. yelling yeah dude those are the kids we.

need to get rid of like four-year-olds. who cares about the damn zygotes. i'm like have you spent 40 minutes with. a two-year-old. that's we need like a two-year after. pill dude that's the [ __ ] oh my. god. yeah i want to adopt like a teenager. yeah i think i'd be a great mom for like. a. eight eight and up i want to talk to. kids about life i want to like listen to. their feelings i just i can't like i. don't want to play i don't really want. to play i don't want to go outside.

it's too [ __ ] hot. too hot to adopt that's your new special. that has to be your new special um she. has a new special coming up on hbo max. it's called good clean filth comes out. july 16th on saturday and it'll be it's. on hbo on saturday july 16th and then. we'll be on hbo max and then yeah f boy. island season two f-boy island season. two yeah and um and i have a daily. podcast and a daily podcast too yeah. monday through thursday nikki glazer. podcast wow it's daily too huh yeah.

because weekly i don't know. every time they would come up it'd be. like oh god [ __ ] another like it would. just it would feel like i'd do one and. then be like yes i get a break and then. the next one would just show up and i'd. be like god so i was just like just make. this every day so it's not something you. dread it's just the way life is. and i love it it's my favorite thing. to do yeah. it's good i'm grateful you're here. thanks so much i'm grateful that you're. here thank you for having me theo yeah. that's a lot of fun. so fun nicki glazer.

now i'm just floating on the breeze and. i feel i'm falling like these leaves i. must be. cornerstone. oh but when i reach that ground i'll. share. [Music]. a little time. for me to set that parking brake.

and let myself on my heart. shine that light on me. i'll sit and tell you my stories. [Music]. [Music].

and now i've been moving way too fast on. the runaway train with a heavy load of. my. pants. and these whales that i've been riding. on they want something that they're damn. they're gone. [Music].