Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #406

i want to let you guys know i'll be. coming to town with the return of the. rat tour october 11th and 12th. in wichita kansas they still have. tickets for the 11th. at the orpheum theater. october 13th omaha nebraska that's sold. out. and uh october 14th denver colorado. um those shows i believe are sold out. we're gonna add some new omaha and. denver dates. they'll be i think either later this. year in the spring so if you weren't. able to get tickets.

we'll put some new ones. up soon for the return of the rat tour. thank you guys for your support you can. get your tickets at theovonn.com. t-o-u-r. we have new be good yourself teas in new. summertime colorways like banana salmon. check those out and more. theovonstore.com. today's guest is hitting the road with. his new make joke from face tour. um he's been here before.

he's based uh he was from minnesota he's. that cold baby. and um. he is uh he's been on reno 911. grandma's boy. and he's led a real uh interest in life. of debauchery and hilarity. um i'm excited to have him back my. friend comedian nick swardson. [Music]. i'll sit and tell you my stories.

[Music]. [Applause]. all right what's up dude. what up nick. what's up take your [ __ ] wig. look all the effing cops dude what's up. man what's going on dude i haven't had a.

drink in two months so i've got that. sober energy is that true yeah i'm. [ __ ] sober kai. wow yeah so you really so two months no. alcohol. no i had one drink for a celebration. but then i just stopped it at that which. is rare but so you had a drink within. the past two months yeah but it was one. so i don't count that. what what what counts to you as drinking. 40 drinks in a night wow yeah have you. ever had that. um. i have i remember one time i did i did a.

show in miami. and i don't know if you've ever done. this but i had one miami dude well. you've been to miami but i had one show. it was like a college gig. and i [ __ ] stayed for a month. damn i just stayed at a hotel for a. month and my opener patrick key and. super funny and after like two weeks. he's like what what are we doing and i'm. like. miami bro and he goes yeah that's great. i've got to go home like i have like. another job and like a like a life yeah. and i'm like oh yeah right okay and then.

i got him a plane ticket home and i. stayed another two weeks just drinking. just drinking just chilling and uh i. remember the hotel bartender. i'm not bragging about this but kind of. the hotel bartender goes um mr swartzen. and i'm like yeah and he goes um. you just drank a whole bottle of gray. goose today. and i go okay and he goes yeah how are. you feeling and i'm like i'm good dude. i'm like another cocktail and he's like. yeah all right i [ __ ] just ripped. miami up dude.

great good did you if you drink a whole. bottle like greg who's you you become an. endangered species i think at that point. yeah i think i started to get feathers. on my jenny's [ __ ] yeah this shit's. got real i was waking up in an egg i'd. like come out and [ __ ] it was crazy. you've never done that i've done that. many times where i've done a gig and. it's always [ __ ] florida yeah it's. like when i i told you this when you. told me that yeah yeah i went to key. west for supposed to be ten days during. the pandemic yeah i was a year and a. half. and you ran up i heard that you ran up a.

bill at a at the hotel there that was. like astronomical it was insane i stayed. at a resort on the beach for a year and. a half and it cost i heard a million. dollars i don't think it was a million. but it was probably it was a lot of. money if you tipped did you tip i always. tip i'm really good at tipping i think. it's important. what do you think it was when you say a. lot of money how much was it i mean it. was definitely. probably half a mil for sure but it was. i feel like i feel like it was more than. that it might have been i kind of don't. want to know because i just went into. the ether of just.

[Music]. and then just listen to live music and. [ __ ] but um but how so. because i remember a time i came and met. you i was in some city you were. performing there i was performing there. and i came and saw you and you were day. drinking at a hotel like. yeah and not like at a pool party it was. like a dog like. it was like kind of like a dimly lit. just like a bar in star wars or. something yeah it was just creatures or. there are people there. i didn't see any bartender i do remember. a hand would come up every now and then.

oh no. it would just conjure up a beverage oh. my god. witch magic yeah or like the hand like. from adam's family would just come in. and [ __ ]. dude i heard that hand molested like a. bunch of kids dude stay away from hands. if it's just a hand. it's up to no good. um. but yeah i remember going to meet you at. a you're like yeah come over we're. partying everywhere we're hanging out. and i got there i don't know. and i think it was football season and.

it didn't even have any tvs in it and i. was like this is. what really that's weird that was. because i remember being like oh that. because i know you're a vikings fan i. was like that's weird but. and there were like cavernous things lit. there was like light like torches it was. oh my god who was i with frankenstein. what the [ __ ] man what is wrong with me. i felt like is this part like a. geologist thing it had a very indiana. jones meets like um i mean i do a sober. living right okay that's interesting i.

do. hunt for treasure when i'm on tour i do. try to find treasures so i do end up in. some sketchy snake spider bars did you. all. so you quit you had to quit drinking. i had to take a timeout yeah but um yeah. i like pick and choose like i've gotten. to the point where like labor day. weekend like holiday weekend i'm gonna. drink okay you know what i mean but then. i i won't go like bonkers because i'm. going on tour this fall starting after. labor day and i remember i'm gonna not. drink as much as i used to because it. got so. i would just get caught up with fans and.

going out and then there was one time. couple times there's one time i. sincerely did this i walked out on stage. in louisville kentucky. and this is genuine i walk out and i go. dude not only is this my first time in. louisville this is my first time ever. performing in louisville. and this guy goes. nah you were here last tour and i'm like. yeah i know but not this theater and the. guy goes. yeah it was this theater and i'm like.

it's great to be back in louisville good. to see everybody again. but it's because the time before that i. don't drink bourbon and i went out and. people took me just ripping bourbon and. that was just one of those alcohols. where this is the switch yeah it's just. bye oh yeah next you know you're trying. to [ __ ] just suck off your knees yeah. man you're trying to [ __ ] blow your. knees and a possum just starts fisting. you and you're like [ __ ] game on. yeah so i mean and then chicago is one. of my favorites i love chicago. and i went out until six in the morning.

on division street and i was in such a. blackout but i do remember like windows. you know like when you remember just. little vignettes oh yeah yeah yeah. little commercials yeah so one of my. little commercials was uh i went to. mcdonald's at six in the morning and uh. i peed my pants. and i was so hammered and i peed and. then i ordered a shitload of food like. way too much on this tray and then i. turned around and slipped to my own pee. and then threw all the food all over the. place i wiped out.

panicked and ran out and then. had to find my hotel i just gotten in i. had no idea what was going on and then i. woke up did sound check and my tour. manager was like. what does that smell and i go oh god. yeah i peed myself and he was like what. the [ __ ] it's another bladder dude. that's a [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah. nick bladder i can't believe you dude i. saw a guy pee actually in a like this is. insane i remembered this man. this was growing up dude we had like two. i don't know if we had two homeless guys.

bus but we had like one gay guy and. everybody like was like that guy's. homeless you know because he didn't have. a wife and kids and he was like. they just. immediately equated him to homeless i. mean it was like you know that was the. times you know it was 1940. i was just. saying. oh look at this homeless guy you know. he's perfectly dressed he's like what. no i just don't like women. nope you're a degenerate homeless person. get off the streets you know he's like i. own this shop right here we sell flowers.

whatever homeless. whatever that's hilarious but i remember. uh. this other dude had pee remember they. had those mcdonald's have those trays. you know bring up a mcdonald's tray can. we. you know what i'm talking about i know. what you're talking about it was a tray. yeah the the brown one they used to have. the brown one yeah. yeah that's what i'm talking about yeah. so. this guy had peed and would just get a. perfect like.

what balance and he would carry it like. it was a trap because whoever came in. the second you touched it the piss would. come off oh i like that [ __ ] what did i. think of that. um. so but obviously so it sounds like i. mean you've obviously had some issues. with drinking you know yeah i've gone up. and down with it i mean there's no. secret there yeah how bad did it get. like what was one of the times where. you're like damn this is. because it's just a sneaky thing i mean. half our audience i think probably. doesn't you know or struggles with all.

kind of [ __ ] yeah for sure i mean it's. interesting i've always tried to find a. balance because i never thought. i was like a raging. alcoholic like when i would drink i. would drink but i never craved it you. know what i mean it wasn't one of those. things where like i'd gone to aaa. meetings and stuff and i would hear. stories like go to an a meeting just to. hear some [ __ ] get real. [ __ ]. i mean there were people that. a would do like 8 10 meetings a day. which is fine this isn't me judging. anybody but like there was there are. people that couldn't walk past a bar.

there were people that couldn't even. look at an empty like people tell. stories about being at a wedding and. they couldn't even look at an empty. champagne glass without having like a. full panic attack yeah. so i mean i was never at that point i. would just like get into a you know if i. had time off i'm like well i'm just. going to get drunk. because it's fun as [ __ ]. like there's a there's also a contingent. of people that drink that do enjoy it. like i didn't start fights i wouldn't be. rude there wouldn't be like that when. you meet somebody they get drunk and.

i'll send them racists now oh god like. that type of [ __ ] i just always had fun. yeah so that was kind of the catch-22. it's like. being when you're like that you just you. just have fun with it yeah dance and. [ __ ] and fart. yeah that's true man i guess there is i. guess if you're if you're having makes. you have fun it's tough to like you know. curtail it back you know yeah the late. north macdonald was one of my best. friends. he uh he had so many great drinking. jokes but one of them he goes uh. and i'm loosely paraphrasing but he goes.

uh yeah yeah yeah. my uncle's an alcoholic and my mom was. like yeah your uncle's he's got a. disease alcoholism it's a disease. and norm goes well as as far as diseases. go that's a that's a pretty good one. it's like hey uncle rick what happened. last night well i went out in that my. disease kicked in. ended up laughing all night and then had. sex with a stranger. i always like. love that take on it.

yeah that is a good take man yeah i. think if you can have if i think part of. the alcoholism is that you don't ha you. get so down about whatever you do you. know it's like yeah instead of just. being like oh i had a great time they're. like you know you start like going. through all the things in your head of. like oh this and this and now it makes. me feel you're just too like sensitive. almost you know you have a sensitivity. to. not just the alcohol but to whatever. you of being out of control i think yeah. totally and if you when you get to a. point of like drinking and driving is.

[ __ ] horrible like i don't even know. how people get duis done with like uber. and lyft and [ __ ] what's the furthest. you ever drink and drove dude being from. minnesota it's probably i drove to. hawaii. from l.a dude i don't know how i did it. woke up in my car with a [ __ ] bunch. of dolphins i don't know what happened. man. um. the fur i mean nothing like of length i. mean i have friends who have been. blacked out we would do last call in l.a. and they would drive to vegas.

after last call so that's just so you. know that's like four hours but that's. drugs too probably. i know this my friends those guys that's. a funny thing though do you have like. friends that casually do cocaine. i have friends that are like nine to. fivers on the weekends they [ __ ] get. all zippy'd. and then and then they're back on monday. they're like what's up jerry yeah how's. the counting or whatever people you know. that have jobs. yeah i think i i think i do probably. know some people like that you know that. always fascinated me are they lying.

but also i mean i don't know i can't do. that [ __ ] but. i mean i've done it but whatever. um. yeah that's just insane that you that. you like go to a place and just stay. there it's interesting i know but it's. like fun yeah where it's like i'm not. you know it's just i don't know why not. oh it's cool. a lot of times i feel bad that i have to. leave certain places like i want to get. to know this place a little bit better. this town or see what's going on you. know so when you tour we've both toured. forever.

it what and you just you live in. nashville now yeah and i was living in. key west so if you could settle down at. a town you weren't living you stayed at. a hotel yeah but i mean for a year and a. half okay i mean that's a lot that's a. residence oh did you start to like i. knew everybody it got [ __ ] crazy it. was like mayberry on mushrooms dude when. people every day when you go to the to. the to the hotel room next door like hey. i'm nick i'm your neighbor would you say. that yeah. yeah i knew the mailman even though he.

didn't bring me mail he would just bring. me coupons and i felt like i was. involved. i knew everybody and wow that was fun as. [ __ ] man that is nice key west yes i. remember one time. i was just in such a good mood. and um i had some cash i mean somebody. owed me money and they drove down from. minnesota to give me money that they. owed me but it was cash it was like 10. grand in cash so then i just was a cash. happy you know what i mean oh so i was. tipping [ __ ] everybody yeah like my. friends that play at the uh at the bars.

down there i would request a song. and i'd be like hey play this and they'd. be like no we're not playing country. road by john denver again and i'm like i. know but and i just keep giving him. here's three of those [ __ ] come on. what are we doing take me home country. [ __ ] road man. but i gave there was like some um. like kind of um uh homeless not. teenagers but just younger people kind. of like you know just oh yeah i know. you're talking yeah like kind of. kids or something punk dudes you know. probably in their 20s like what do you. mean like art students or something i.

would i would i'll say that. but i don't know but they were just kind. of like they were just chill like they. were beach homeless like they were just. like people like kids that spray like. dude we had this kidding i'm sure. they've drawn something we had this kid. named todd that drank a [ __ ] can of. spray paint dude which is so hard to do. he drank like a cocktail he drank it he. just was like she sprayed it straight. into his [ __ ] throat oh so he um. what's that called like huffing or. something just having i don't know what. they say drank it yeah just having paint. i mean because yeah it wasn't gas only. he got paint.

god i know pretty [ __ ] cool that was. back when people didn't give a [ __ ] you. know that's really not giving a [ __ ]. yeah i feel bad for him was at least a. throat color so it didn't. oh he was all he never he would never. really hands him anyway out of the gate. but i think that's part of this thing. he's like i'll just [ __ ] he's like. i'm just gonna paint my. [ __ ] grill. that is awful you see somebody riding. that can bro it [ __ ] makes you hard. bro why would it make you hard because. you know what somebody's going through. when you're [ __ ] right there with.

them so how long did you guys date i. never did it it's just that's no contact. homosexuality right that's just admiring. just admiration yeah yeah i think that's. a word yeah. is this guy still with us like out of. respect i'ma stand here and get hard for. you. right that's it's an homage to you izzy. i'm not sure i don't know what happened. to that kid he was always. no he he he took a thing again he did a. hit of gasoline one time he's just. [ __ ]. did he not know about vodka did anybody. tell him like hey what was his name todd.

todd t-o-d-d yeah not t-a-h that's a. classic todd move by the way. some names you just affiliate with [ __ ]. like that you're like todd yeah and all. of his teeth didn't kind of fit in his. mouth someone was i don't even know what. he was you know he was so he's like i'm. gonna make him blue um no he just got on. that can baby all right but. i'm saying people have used all kinds of. drugs over the years oh dude there was. one [ __ ] oh wait so the the punk.

dudes by the beach. so um they were always like so cool you. know they were like what up nikki. and so one day i'm like just i. got a buzz yeah and i gave him like. four or 500 bucks. i'm like hey guys. you know what go have fun huh go yeah. but i was so dumb i'm gonna get your mom. some sandals yeah want to go buy your. mom some sandals and maybe throw it. throw dad a dream catcher yeah let's. [ __ ] go you guys want some sandies. get some food. no they didn't do that so then the.

police that became friends of mine. they uh rolled up my friend dave he's. like nick did you give um some homeless. youth. um a bunch of money and i go yeah man. they're really cool they're really fun i. gave him like yeah a couple hundred. bucks and the guy's like yeah don't do. that anymore and i go wow he goes we. just arrested all of them they just went. on a crazy like bender drug bender and. just ran around naked i think and like. broke into a lighthouse i don't know. what the [ __ ] they did but i got like. reprimanded and i was like right so they.

didn't spend it at they didn't give it. to the church. okay. yeah [ __ ] gets rogue dude. well actually i got that tattoo right. there rogue is that say it yeah dude. that literally show your tattoo it looks. like a place where you go and pick out a. font for like a wedding thing or. something like that yeah. i was gonna marry that paint huffer. we gotta get it decided i was gonna get.

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dot-com slash. theo. [ __ ] steven segel dude dude flock of. cigals. we were talking about steve we had. dinner with our friend david spade last. night we loved it man what an adorable. lawn gnome that guy is yeah you know. there's just something um. you just want to [ __ ] just. you just want to pick him up and just. throw him into a ceiling fan you know. what i mean just happy and then.

yeah. and he's out no we love david and we. were talking about him and david are. developing a movie together yeah we. wrote a movie you wrote a movie but. you're developing it yeah developing it. sounds like we're just thinking about it. and smoking weed. no it doesn't it sounds like you're. developing something really like when. you're developing like a development. like a building you're developing it so. you're not like just sitting there like. the building would look cool there okay. yeah it's in it's coming into fruition. okay all right that's fair thing yeah. because i read the script it's really. funny it's like joe dirt meets dumb and.

dumber with you and david. yeah it's good and it's about it's like. a love story. um but it's not an annoying love story. no it's a it's like a buddy story yeah. it's like a buddy story and then he's. trying to get love you know and what do. you think about that process like. writing a script because it's such a. different muscle i've been a writer. since i was 24 i wrote malibu's most. wanted bench warmers grandma's boy and. it's really interesting don't you think. because it's [ __ ] hard as [ __ ] you. really need discipline. and it's hard to like because you get. the thing about is like you get married. to jokes and bits in a movie but you.

also need story so you've got it it's a. compromise i'm writing a movie right now. with the director of grandma's boy nick. goosen and it's still hard because you. want to keep funny [ __ ] but you also are. like. this doesn't make any sense. yeah i mean there's like. it's hard first of all it just takes a. lot of time it's like i have to like. settle my brain from like stand up or. from like. aaa or from like um well you have tons. of [ __ ] in your podcast it's you have so. many things right so you and you have to.

have enough like energy and creativity. to sit there and work you know just you. just go back and forth you put it in. you're like okay this kind of works this. works and then you get the whole thing. done and you're like okay we have too. many jokes we don't have enough. reason why this guy wants this yeah you. know and you have to have a reason in a. movie you know yeah you've gotta like. because the thing with dumb and dumber. was one of my favorite movies and the. thing that makes it work and i was. telling spade this last night because i. read the script it's really funny but. i'm like you need a little bit of.

like motive and heart. a little bit more because dumb and. dumber there's a scene corazon. what corazon what does that mean spanish. heart heart oh heart in spanish i like. that thank you yeah. but there's a scene in dumb and dumber. where jim carrey and jeff daniels are. arguing about. something in the apartment and about. going to find the girl. and jeff daniels goes i'm sick and tired. of blah blah blah blah and jim carrey. goes you know what i'm sick and tired of. what is it he goes i'm sick and tired of.

being a nobody i'm sick and tired of. eking my way through life and it's. really sincere and really dead serious. and most of all i'm sick and tired of. having nobody doesn't that guy say that. yeah i'm yeah i think that's it too and. then you just go oh these guys aren't. stupid they're real people then like. they have feelings and like and then you. go with them on that journey because you. root for them right and that's such an. important scene that people don't. realize. makes that movie because when you really. care about them yeah you know what i'm.

saying yeah we'll be right back with. more from [ __ ] characters yeah more. from why it top more from white oprah's. um. yeah it's been interesting man and david. has so many jokes so he loves the joke. so he's like we'll get together and. we'll write him like. we'll i'll leave that with like 70 more. jokes in no more story lines yeah that's. the trick dude you got because i've. worked with david a billion times so and. he always wants to joke but you gotta. get the story down and then put the. jokes around ow [ __ ] the robot to check.

me but just so you know that's an. insight into screenwriting and comedy. writing insight we didn't [ __ ] tell. these people anything yeah. weaver dude i will [ __ ] do a line and. [ __ ] your cousin dog what are my cousins. have monkey pucks well bring it on dude. yeah didn't you think that was a cereal.

when it first came out monkey. a lot of people are calling it zoo aids. a lot of gays are calling it zooey. is that true [ __ ] yeah i'll adopt that. term yeah that's funny zoo aids. oh my god who wants to freaking dude he. wants some [ __ ] zoo aids who wants to. huff in these zoo dude was it. anyway. speaking of zombies go vikings. this is a shirt company minnesota on a. stick because everything goes on a stick. there what did you guys just got uh.

do you guys have um herschel walker. no do you guys still have uh. what is that guy who they caught putting. that stuff in his trunk that one time. tara top put stuff in his trunk no brad. what's his name bill's quarterback. brad oh brad johnson yeah yeah no we. don't still have him. no he works at [ __ ] pf chains an hour. or so does he really i think so i have. no idea but i saw rufio at pf chang's. working. it was dark in there.

he could have been oh he like literally. popped out of the wall with a freaking. ponzu sauce [ __ ] yeah he did yeah i. remember there was some actor that got. [ __ ] on in the like tmz or something. about having a waiter job in l.a and. everybody would like got really pissed. off because it was like dude are you. shooting on somebody for just grinding. sometimes [ __ ] dries up this guy needs a. job yeah i respect that. um by the way i love pf checks when. you're on the road is there like a go-to. restaurant when you're touring for me if. i can find a pf chance i'm not sponsored. by them yet but let's change that p f.

yeah. so i mean you know is there like do you. [ __ ] with cheesecake factory no i don't. do anything like that dude i like to eat. a jimmy john. yep i like jimmy john's i like to have a. nap. and then i. spinach and maybe chicken. okay i keep it pretty same thing every. time almost all right it gets pretty. boring some numbers i don't know we'll. stop at some diners but a lot of the a. lot of diners have changed over the. years they're not the same like you go.

in now and it's like a greek diner where. they have like breakfast lunch tire care. yeah you know jean jackets yeah it's. just like yeah like unlimited denim for. dessert and you're like this is insane. they have a [ __ ] velour buffet i. can't digest any of these. they've got they still have crystal. pepsi yeah my clothing has everything. yeah my cousin has two pockets and a. zipper stuck in his throat it's like we. can't even go out as a family you just. get they put they do operations you get. a zipper mouth it's [ __ ] nuts man hey.

good morning you know you're too much. man unzipping your kid's face yeah you. get an old wham t-shirt for dessert yeah. it's like they've just everything's like. it's like i don't know it's all like. it's hard to find some of the good mom. and pop places like they used to have. they've all changed a lot of them are. now like a greek and lebanese. which is fine but there's just not just. a breakfast diner it's not like two eggs. and a salsa you know it's like right now. there's like somebody in there playing a. sitar in the corner yeah and there's.

like casting spells you don't know. what's going on yeah they're selling. like one of their daughters in the. bathroom issue they're trading her up. for cats yeah you start crying spiders. you're like what the [ __ ] is going on. man dude stop the music. jesus i just wanted a hash brown i just. wanted one hash brown you order a hash. brown and some dude name a black dude. named hash comes out there and you're. like what is everything's just changed. you know yeah it's different man it's. just a different world out yeah i do. like mom and pop that's why i like bars. like that too you know what i mean that.

was kind of the annoying thing about the. pandemic was that. all the chain restaurants stayed open. but all like the indie restaurants and. mom and pop places took a hit we should. have bailed them out all the dive bars. and stuff you know it's like that's. what's important i think. [ __ ] if i can rally about bailouts man i. was just seeing that. what do you think about the um. christian bailout christian bailout i. don't know i don't know why that came. into my head oh you mean henry. affordable. um you mean uh.

who was the guy that played indiana. jones carson ford. carson ford who was that. harrison ford. yeah harrison ford harrison carson ford. that sounds isn't that like an auto. dealership. i don't know man i don't know you. freaked me out okay yeah i did you you. [ __ ] drank at a bar for a year and a. half in key west you hung out with. people that drank. um spray paint. yeah one kid yeah that's enough i didn't.

hang out with him i grew up i drank out. with millions of people none of them. drank spray paint that's just insane. but i mean bless him. it doesn't sound that bad you've had. moonshine right you had to have had. moonshine. i've had at least half moon shot or. crescent moon i don't know how that's. okay the full [ __ ] thing that makes. your eyes no i'm not i'm not a [ __ ]. werewolf dude yeah. i'm not gonna drink a full moonshine oh. they have that stuff will make you wake. up inside of your cousin dude that [ __ ]. you know what i'm saying you'll have a. family reunion and a uterus oh my god.

you wake up with a [ __ ] four tires on. your body. you know. on bricks. good lord dog living in your butt dude. you're [ __ ] brick moranis. get me out of here what am i doing. that's not an air bag that's a [ __ ]. condom. filled with [ __ ] jizz. good god. no thank you. dude speaking of um. oh whatever football though. isn't it weird with guaranteed money.

like aaron chris cousin kirk. kirk cousins is guaranteed 80 [ __ ]. million dollars don't you think that's. weird. like why would you even want to do good. oh i think if you once you get that. money it's hard to want to do good. that's what i'm saying i think because. then all you want to do is stay alive. yeah like as long as i'm alive these. years then i'm safe i get the money yeah. i get the lunches and the dinners mm-hmm. yeah because otherwise you're just.

you're like damn i you know. i didn't stay alive or i got hurt or. whatever you're not gonna risk at all. no you're not gonna do anything but. you're just not you know if you throw. any interception you're like uh well. that happened yeah she should lose money. for interceptions. should lose money should lose a million. dollars you throw an interception are. you gonna throw a [ __ ] interception. after that. nope. you're not but you're not gonna throw a. pass out of that you're gonna call run. every single play yeah but that's fine. that's true if it's bad if you don't.

have a running back and you just hand it. off and then just. throw it down what position and what. sport could you have honestly played man. and when you really look back at your. life. you know. and. what sport did you you think. legitimately in position you had a. chance to play. the closest. probably defensive lineman. yep. when i was. three. i was.

top of my game really. yep. and then. downhill huh but yeah i could still. probably play for the vikings no i mean. i was a i was an athlete up until. everybody started growing oh 11. yeah so. like around i was like pretty solid at. baseball i played soccer tennis. um basketball. and then everybody started growing and. then i was [ __ ]. where's that weed out oh really. this is sports.

yeah there was always a kid who like. didn't want to please like uh instead of. just. they didn't want to admit they didn't. want to play sports like oh so i have to. have something to do. to offset that you know so i'll do weed. you know right but you get to a point. when everybody starts growing. like in middle school then i was just. like oh i can't i thought that was great. i did but i was really late i was like. the runt of the litter you know what i. mean like uh charlotte's website tricky. yeah it was like charlotte's web dude. was it who was like was that the pig.

yeah little randall or whatever his name. was what was he you bring a picture of. that thing was it rick santorum what was. his name i don't know. um. dude did you see the thing about wait. what sports did you play you were an. athlete weren't you you played. basketball oh you did i played. basketball yeah do you still play i was. good i could dunk at one time man which. is kind of crazy not not like really. good you could dunk a donut. oh yeah. and i turned into a werewolf.

um you could dunk that i mean that's. like every guy's dream or girl sorry but. i mean that's like to dunk is like this. i can't even imagine that that's very. few girls dreams okay i know but i'm. just trying to be inclusive because i'm. [ __ ] a good guy man um did you see no. but no but duncan remember when they had. the hoops that you could adjust and like. bring down to like seven feet and then. every kill. you mean yeah basically yeah yeah. everybody was excited. somebody invented that the whites.

hoop or whatever yeah. like they keep making more sports to try. and make sports for white people you. notice that. it's like look at this beach dunking or. whatever and it's like [ __ ] four and. a half foot goals you know do they. really oh yeah or it's like look at this. there i saw the other day there's like a. paddle ball it's like a. pickleball pickleball pokeball's hot. right now pickleball yeah pickleball's. fun as [ __ ] pickleball's funny [ __ ] but. it's definitely like hey. let's go over here and do something. white. before other people get over here and do.

it better than us. i can see that i feel like it's a little. old it's old white i don't know like i. don't want to run that much it's like. lazy. oh i mean it's still really fun i like. pickleball but it's the people i play. with are young. are they really i mean yeah i've played. with 16 year olds where is this. um tennessee venice. tennessee venice. tennessee. um yeah i played in venice i mean yeah.

anybody can play it i don't know yeah so. don't just say it's for old people what. i'm saying well i already did. so [ __ ] cancel me. i don't know what the [ __ ] going on. anymore but yeah i mean i don't know. it's a fun sport though. yeah it's fun um there's a sport i saw. the other day where they are there's uh. what's the thing where you hit the ball. around and it spins around the post it. was like a game cucumber ball no. um tetherball. there is team tether. ping pong now look it up that just.

sounds like somebody was on asset and. made a sport well. i'm telling you this is the kind of. stuff that's going on nick. another. what is it team tether ping-pong can we. look it up dude what about extreme erect. chess have you played that. [ __ ]. naked erect you jump out of a plane and. you gotta [ __ ] play chess. that's huge right now in dubuque here we. go right here. team members these ufc guys and then. there's like handball ping pong is that. kind of what you're talking about right.

here. no this isn't it this is what is that i. mean look just come out of the closet if. this is a thing i'll tell you about this. just play with a scrotum instead of a. ball yeah and then i'll take your. [ __ ] chest dude the gayest thing i. ever saw in my life right or rumored to. be gay was david spade eating what ha ha. i remember. there was um. i was at a hampton inn right oh i go. outside it was one of the when they'd.

done the upgrades in like 2005. or seven which they were all late on. those upgrades those hotels yeah i. thought they did i. for me they seem to roll it out well. but i remember that um. i went and there was three men. in the hot tub playing frisbee together. and it was like they were this far from. each other oh my god. and it was just and i don't know if they. were gay men or not but it was like. i felt like it was like they were it was.

like a little bermuda triangle where if. you got in there you're going down yeah. if you're going down yeah. yeah there's cause i mean to me that is. a like that's like a thing of saying hey. we're gay without saying we're gay right. like if you're throwing a frisbee in a. hot tub. right i mean you're not you can and it's. a little what's weird gay or straight or. anything it's a little weird were they. white people yeah yeah one of them. looked kind of hispanic or something.

right something was you know had. happened to him. yeah. but that's yeah that's interesting. but that's um was it a [ __ ] ring. if they were just passing it around. and then playing horseshoes with their. boners you throw it like ring toss and. you gotta [ __ ]. land it so that would be gayer. than that. that's the other frisbee thing that's. true what about um what about us. um. oh what about the uh did you see the.

thing what was the thing with the. bailout that just happened with the. uh you're talking about student loans. pretty much yes like uh did you get. student loans when you're growing up. no i went to barely graduate high school. really yeah i mean i should have gotten. a loan i think for college but i mean i. i just know of it my brother went to. college and he was [ __ ] by student. loans like forever. yeah i guess everybody is i don't really. know they got this bail they have so. they have his bailout program go up on. it and it wasn't christian what's going. on well it's basically just like the the.

aftermath now of biden saying that he's. forgiving you know the student loans 10. grand for everyone it's like now. basically the question is becoming is it. legal and people are going to challenge. it in court because they're saying you. know hey if i paid off all my loans what. like what about me right any relief for. me. right so yeah do you think so because. that's where people are upset it's like. some people are like well. i sent my kid to college i saved money. to send him to college or her to college. and now i'm. i've paid that money off right and so if.

someone didn't do that and they have. debt. and you're just. that's where it's becoming an issue. right i mean i can see that but it's. also those are different situations. though i mean some people might. be really there's got to be extenuating. circumstances and factors. of why they couldn't pay it off. oh yeah i think so but some people are. just saying like well do i get. do i get compensated for money. should there should be a legitimate.

claim yeah that's what it seemed like. would be the solution to me is you also. offer but then how far back does that go. you know well that's the thing is that. brings up a bigger picture you know. everybody can be upset about. stuff like that i mean some guys a. hundred. and like i was the first guy at yale. yeah and i paid off my. ten dollar fee. i want 10 grand. yeah some guy's like i was a slave and. they're like you're white buddy is like. oh.

[ __ ]. my bad. yeah i mean i don't know i don't know. how to solve that i think just don't go. to college. i don't know start a youtube channel i. don't know. whatever it's a new world now but i mean. yeah i mean i can see that because. student loans i don't even know i don't. even know if my brother's paid it off. he's a [ __ ] idiot yeah i pay i mean. it took me probably i mean i just paid. mine off i think about two years ago. but it's a long deal for people so i.

could understand people wanting to but. then at a certain point you're like. where does it end it's tough it's like. like i think of it like someday there's. going to be a thing where it's like. there's going to be a pill where it's. like you can live forever right. but they're right. okay say there's a pill one day you can. live forever. okay but they're gonna say. they're gonna say hey. it's for only 40 and under because. whoever's the ruler at that point. they're like we don't really need these. old heads you know like you stop at a. certain age you can't buy it after 60.

right and it's just gonna be that cutoff. where it's like oh [ __ ] you know like. sometimes you just have to. there just has to be the thing where. it's like oh they get this break and i. you know. but we don't think about it like that. nobody wants to think like oh i'm happy. that these people get their debt reduced. i paid mine you know nobody thinks like. people are usually think oh well they. got they get this i should also get this. right which makes sense. um it's just we don't really think the. other way very often well no and nobody.

really wants to be happy for anybody. else yeah. but it's i'm like that but if i'm at the. bar i'm like why do i have to pay my bar. tab right why can't they pay for it. because i've spent a lot of money here. and maybe i should get compensated. yep that's what i think. about all the money i spent drinking. deciding not to go to college yeah all. the money i could have saved and did. save. do you regret not going to college no. [ __ ] no yeah [ __ ] that. i mean you know it seems cool what would.

you have been you think carpenter or. something like uh. i would go into carpentry college i. would have gone to harvard and majored. in carpentry. with a minor. and um pf trains damn right. that's possible. dude i could see you being a chef. somewhere you ever consider i would want. to be a chef i would also like. this was this is truly my backup plan i. want to be a teacher oh wow cause i just. thought that would be cool and it's. similar to stand-up where like you have. an audience but you also can like help.

them like do the right thing and be good. people you know i mean that would that. was my thing is i just thought that. would be fun you get summers off and. [ __ ] what grade would you teach you. think i couldn't [ __ ] do anything. smart. six or under no i mean i'm no fourth i'm. not a blob of clay well i'm just [ __ ]. god dude seven gets kind of hard. i don't know like nine maybe eight where. they're like going i don't know. nothing like i couldn't [ __ ] teach. like trigonometry or some [ __ ].

or um pickleball but dude nine. everybody's got [ __ ] in their bag and. everything at school if what. nine is shady dude every dude that's. coming to your class stayed up all night. freaking. spanking it in his bed did you go to. school at alcatraz what the [ __ ]. oh my god i went to human high school. dude where you went you went to grade. school on epstein island i'm just. telling you. she's people's i didn't see it like that. i just thought fun i just thought when i.

was happiest dude i grew up in the damn. skeet belt bro just telling you no [ __ ]. ninth grade is a real skeeter's team. [ __ ] tossing miracle whip in people's. faces like a [ __ ]. silence of the lambs person. [Laughter]. that's a scot geeter's dude ninth grade. you were just making sk i mean what else. were you doing no i said nine age nine. not ninth grade. ninth grade oh no what the [ __ ] no i. said. nine years old like third grade oh dude.

oh not grade nine no. thank god. this got pretty sick. yeah no if not at all no like fun happy. children guide them to [ __ ] be happy. have a nice life i don't know i just. thought it would be fun to be a teacher. okay because it's like doing stand-up. you got like a crowd you can have fun. you get like i always like the cool. teachers. and like the cool school bus drivers and. the cool you know what i mean i just. thought that was fun and cool.

what about spankings they just did you. ever get spanked before dude yeah my dad. used to [ __ ] beat me really not like. full on but like he would take a wooden. spoon and [ __ ]. and like you learn from that i don't. know. dude they had uh they just got in. missouri do you see this the missouri. school district reinstates spanking. [Music]. as punishment where's that at zach. it's uh. school district um catsville cassville. catsville that sounds like a lot of. rules don't apply there a lot of things.

are coming back in catsville i don't. think it's just spanking. i think there's some witchcraft can you. zoom in on a little bit so i can see a. little bit more of it man it's a town of. four thousand just uh just outside of. springfield near the arkansas border but. yeah so they i guess basically they. realized that they was it was within the. code that they could do it so i guess. the teacher started doing it and no one. said anything they realized it was it. within the code yeah man we thank god i. want to read the catskill code.

i'm sure there's a lot of [ __ ] topics. on there let me go go back zach. so that's go back please. but it is something that has happened on. my uh their code they also have like if. you if you get caught dancing you can. get hit with a rock. like i'm sure they have other [ __ ] so it. says down here it's allowed parents were. recently notified of the policy in june. and it's allowed only as a last resort. and with written permission from parents. this parent has to prove that the. teacher okay all right at least there's.

some yeah i just hope albert pujols. isn't your freaking teacher that's the. thing. i remember did you ever get spanked. not in school really no. did you at alcatraz yeah i spanked two. times man whipped your [ __ ] nut sack. oh dude we had one man this man spangy. what was his name spanky no this man. named lawton mckee bring up a picture of. lawton mckee. where the hell are you going to find a. picture of lawton mckee.

huh. is kind of a cool name though the web. lawton oh so he's it's spelled like law. law. yeah. oh i thought it was like l-a-u-g-h-t-o-n. okay what did he do see if you can see a. picture of him i can't see [ __ ]. i don't know he's the second row over. there to white guy far to the right not. right there yeah. what's the deal with this guy. this dude used to spank us man.

that guy he's on the internet. why. look at my stupid why he's a [ __ ]. legend dude that guy spanked you oh that. guy beat me to he really beat me into. freaking decency oh my gosh and they. would also. uh. if he was bad they spank you and he had. one tooth that was rotten in his mouth. looked like a dog that guy looks like. this look like a headlamp like ken's. boyfriend from barbie oh this oh dude.

let me zoom in on him a little. oh that's not even him dude. yeah that guy's never spanked anybody. that guy does own a leather swing set go. over the top left those people hugging. that's him what is that he had that one. yeah he had one large yellow grill piece. in the front looked like one of those. miner's lights on one of those kids that. got trapped you know. he just had a candy corn smile he had. that [ __ ] he had that. smile lamp baby you know what i'm saying.

yeah the smile lamp he could trick or. treat year round bro he really had that. built in you know he could go into the. depths of the earth and trick or treat. yeah he could haunt octopus. oh god middle earth and try to find. doorbells yeah he had that little glow. baby inside of his grill. he had a glow worm. he had a glowworm grill yeah. good gosh yeah no i never but he would. spank us man and he would get what he. would spank you. and he would even why are you looking at.

your penis because i'm just trying to. remember what he would do he would. you know he would have you hold on to. the desk like that and he would spank. your butt with that. and then they had another man named bill. brady that used to spank me over at a. different school. other schools joined in on hurting you. oh they all let you spank that when i. was a child man let you get spanked. they'll just hand you off oh you wasn't. you were that school if you were bad you. got freaking spanked. that's back when there's a little bit of. trust in the system you know okay. so that's what this place is saying that.

they're going to go back to that as long. as the parents give permission they give. permission. they're all going to sign off on that by. the way oh they'll be like yeah. heartbeat and then that'd be great if. they had like a meter of how hard you. can do it like a spice level yeah give. them at a restaurant yeah yeah give them. a bomb. and give them a debunk. give them a [ __ ] splatter cory's. [Laughter]. do you know why free trials renew. without your consent. it's a business scam out to get you.

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one thing i remember adrian peterson. running back. um got busted um. switching his kid that ruined it for you. guys he hit his jenny's or something oh. really yeah it was like bad but i guess. he was like that's how but i'd heard of. a switch but i never experienced it and. black kid probably big jenny's easy to. accidentally hit that's a valid point. yeah point healthy jenny when you're. swinging at triple the jenny's on a kid. what do you you know it's not it's you. know.

yeah you don't hay maker janie's dude. that's not what we do. what's the um. when did you lose your virginity man. [ __ ]. 15 really yeah. it was pretty it was yeah. was it cool or not it was all right it. was kind of confusing but exciting but. also it was like it was on a church. retreat were y'all indoors or outdoors. it was outdoors yeah yeah. what about you.

um. mom was outdoors as well. um. [Music]. 17. you know. it's a solid age and uh. it was outdoors behind a bowling alley. actually that just got um. cordon cordoned off or whatever it's. called. cordon blue. they stuffed it with bacon you think no. they um just shut it down the bowling. alley or your penis the bowling alley.

okay god shut my penis down years ago. dude you're filming [ __ ] small. lebowski i'm filming smallville over. there. [Laughter]. good girl um on a church retreat that's. crazy dude we were [ __ ] i mean i ugh. we were just shitty kids really what was. oh my god we were doing drugs and we. were going church retreats and was god. out there or not god was not present. he was he peaced out on our trips we. were stealing everything where were you.

[ __ ] minnesota we were going to. stealing cheese from each other we would. stop yeah we would take our cheesebutt. plugs. no we would pull uh uh like stop at a. store and we would [ __ ] just just. loot. i mean just covert. but yeah but we were high as [ __ ] i mean. we were just. crazy yeah it was terrible and why why. was the church driving you all around. and i don't know we were going on like a. retreat to whatever we were supposed to. do i don't remember yeah. yeah it was pretty.

yeah we went rogue but i mean you know. [ __ ] when you're a teenager you just you. just there's no rules you're just. [ __ ] bonkers i remember i caught. stealing i stole to impress this girl. one time. this girl showed up with tits and we'd. never seen them right you know we're. like jesus you know we were looking on. maps what is it you know she had damn. tits on her brother how big were they oh. big as you i mean you couldn't even see. them all at once you had to kind of back. up and get your buddy to look at the. same good god baby that was big. so what you guys were in the circus they.

were big now i was at ymca. okay summer camp. and mr brad would come out there and he. was losing his hair and he'd come out. there. and make us do like tr like little. tricks in the pool and [ __ ] bro i think. he was probably something's wrong with. him yeah. but uh anyway this girl came her name. was bridget i think. and i think she actually died a couple. years ago and i hate to say that but i. do i do believe that. and uh you believe it or it did happen.

it happened i don't want to say i just. don't want to say her life i don't want. people going looking at her and. commenting on her thing or whatever. they're dead boobs yeah yeah dude i mean. bro they had to have a casket with two. easter baskets off to the side of it. baby oh my god she had them [ __ ]. lurkers baby you know they just started. turning to the blob and like trying to. get off of her body oh bro. i'm on the porch i'm gonna ring them. more bells baby you know what i'm saying. she had anything like that she had them. freaking big speakers and 22s on her.

baby those are those are the first. cowbells oh yeah she had those she's. utter damn she had some [ __ ] buff. utters couple buffets baby you know what. i'm saying you gotta open buff udders oh. [ __ ] strip club i'll just put one of. those nipples in my damn butthole. brother she really had those things yeah. um. what was that oh we got but we me and my. buddy got busted stealing some were. trying to impress her. what did you steal i stole this hat it. was like the dumbest head it was like.

it was like a sock hat and you put it on. and it was just like this tall sock. coming off your head was it for her tits. it was just to be cool you know we sold. it from like a claire's boutique yeah. and i remember she saw us getting cuffed. me and this other kid oh you got full on. busted yeah. they cuffed you so you had to wait until. they called the cops. security could cough yeah did you point. at her tits and go this made me do it no. but i would have shot dude that would. have gotten you off for sure you're like.

was anybody working with you you're like. yeah. there's two accomplices right there. punch and judy. she had them freaking. wow boy she had them freaking them. cowboys you know and moon balloons. oh. god damn. damn brother. man oh you got about is that still on. your record can you go to canada i can. go to canada i just don't think i can go. to like the mall in slidell louisiana.

we used to camp out. that's open we'd be so excited to go to. the mall we'd go over there and camp out. we get a tent we go to the mall at the. day and we camp out at night. and then go again the next day. did you think there was going to be a. line to get in were you paranoid about. that no it was just far to get over. there and so it was like you know we. drove probably 18 miles to get over. there so we didn't want to. you know drive back and drive back right. so what would you do immediately when. the mall opened.

like go in there just go in there and. just run around naked no just be by the. ac be by the fountain make wishes go to. the shoe shop go to the. you know poster store they had a big. poster store in there i remember i know. posters were big [ __ ] yeah i do what'd. you get. i was like obsessed with just. i'm such a sports freak so my whole wall. was athletes like steve setzler like old. minnesota vikings it would be vikings. and then some athletes i just thought. were cool like everybody had a bo.

jackson poster you know what i mean he. was just he's [ __ ] bo jackson oh god. dude i had you know all those dudes. yui blab. you know what i mean could you be black. you think. could i be black like could you handle. it. i don't i don't know i don't i don't. know if i could handle it i um you. couldn't. probably not. but i did grow up i grew up in the inner. city so i was like hip to. rap music and all that [ __ ] and playing.

hoop and [ __ ] and uh i remember i had. i was 12 years old 12 to 13. and i had a short dogs in the house. poster. um the album was one of my favorite. albums too short became a buddy of mine. and uh but i had that poster over my bed. and my mom was like oh look at that. they're dogs. that's fun it was all these dogs like. just [ __ ] chilling like oaktown. and but she just had no idea and then. there was another rapper named paris.

and i had a poster of him and said the. devil made me do it bring him up paris. see what it is. but i thought it was bad i mean he's. black or white he was black but my mom. was like oh paris dude remember this was. before they had any mexican people. remember that. before i think they were had mexican. people but no no they didn't have a ton. you know i'm saying it used to be like. the way do you remember growing up there. wasn't a lot of mexican people around. like not in not in louisiana not in. minnesota. i mean yeah i mean not i mean seven. mexicans from your childhood.

gary yeah there you go and gary is a. friend salvador i grew up with it okay. that's one guy dude and he's probably. from i'm not gonna i'm just gonna guess. el salvador. i never asked him about that i think i. just didn't want to know. yeah i'm not saying anything what i'm. just saying it's just interesting how. things have changed over time yeah i. know what you're saying but it was funny. see in paris did we see him yeah oh you. did i didn't get a good look i'm sorry. oh there he is huh but yeah posters are. the [ __ ] dude everyone like growing up. with posters it was a big deal posters. were so good remember when you got a.

poster and you put it up did you put up. the pins in it you put the little yellow. tack stuff behind it and tack it. directly to the wall like a poor person. i did i think i don't know if we had. stickums back then that tape that had. was sticky on both sides oh we didn't. have that yeah 3m that was a one summer. where we were affluent yeah and then. and then it was [ __ ] ticked out. downhill yeah. it's funny cause i still did that. my place now i'm 45 years old and i got. i found this poster as a old james bond.

poster vintage it was really cool and i. put up my living room. and i i hammered it in i didn't frame it. or anything and my roommate was like bro. what are you doing and i'm like putting. up this pit poster and he goes what are. you gonna frame. i'm just literally hammering it i'm like. still that. i just i don't know i know literally so. i still do this [ __ ] my buddy jason it's. open for me uh-huh. um and he goes we did the gig and i go.

okay i'll send you a check. and he goes. what do you mean and i go i'll mail you. a check for the gig to pay you and he. goes there's venmo yeah and i'm like all. right right but i was still gonna like. go through like. finding an envelope. oh i remember there was something with. you one time i had to send you some. money you're like yeah just mail me a. check i'm like. yeah that's right how do i even. do that yeah it's so stupid uh yesterday. i remember looking for stamps.

looking for stamps. what am i [ __ ]. opie from. andy griffith show dude i picked up a. pencil the other day and it blew my mind. right it blew i picked up a pencil. and i was like no. way it's like going back in time yeah. they're little time machines yeah dude. imagine when they had a feather with. [ __ ] ink that's how they signed half. of our. documents and our.

history was just [ __ ]. and then. dip it in some. witch blood and then sign it. somebody's like oh look what i got you. for christmas a package of pens and it's. just like. oh do i eat this chicken now you're. right right with it yes and then [ __ ] it. yeah that's how they grew up. not wrong. sex dinner and then literacy. and then we draw a picture. of a butthole.

yeah that's how people rolled dude did. you know that no two buttholes are the. same. i did not know that thank god. that'd be weird if i was like yeah no i. know. but in that isn't that really. interesting i don't know how to bring. that up brother. where was this huh. did you learn that from spade no man. it's the fingerprint of the gods baby. the b-hole son. how can they prove that that back jaw. why are we pulling up a picture of it. uh we're not doing a picture because. we'll get.

fined or whatever who came to that um. conclusion i knew this but it's funny i. knew this yeah of course you did. can you just let's get some intel can. you click on something with some decent. information on it i'm trying to find. some uh some signs here. okay oh by the way back to hotels i. don't know we were talking about it. earlier. this is a true story about travels okay. and i remember one time i was going to. vegas. and i would go every fourth of july me. and my buddies and we would get. um fireworks so they're legal in nevada.

so i was like. dude we're always paying a lot of money. to stay in vegas like get a nice room at. bellagio or something. and then i'm like dude what are we doing. why don't we stay at the travel lodge. it's like 50 bucks and we said we're not. even in the room we're in vegas. so they're like yeah. so we drive to vegas. get in the room check in where is how. far from the strip is it. it's not far 10 minutes maybe. so far and so. if that maybe five and then we get in. the room and um.

my buddy goes to use the bathroom. and i put some my [ __ ] down and he goes. let's get the [ __ ] out of here man i'm. like what do you mean we just got here. and he goes nope tell everybody we're. leaving and i go we just got here bro. i'm tired. and he goes okay go in the bathroom. bathroom there's diarrhea on the wall oh. that on the wall. and was like a message or something no i. wish it was just confusing it was just. like splatter. but it wasn't like hey. bet um put all your money on red or.

something that would have been a hot tip. yeah you know um the colts are gonna win. the super bowl diarrhea. no it was just diarrhea and then i was. like oh that's why you don't get a cheap. hotel room. you know wow i don't think all travel. lodges are like that yeah but that did. happen so hopefully they cleaned it. but i was. then we went to the bellagio and i spent. like a thousand dollars for the room. damn it would have been great if there. was diarrhea on the wall in that room. too. dude but with like a bunch of money.

like against the wall with diarrhea and. you had to like yeah like. that would be cool though like take your. chances kind of yeah totally um. i'll tell you the craziest story that i. ever heard. jesus. this is a crazy story that ever heard. right so. that happened to somebody while touring. on comedy. so there was a man. right. and he was a comedian and he had another. man who was an opener the opener right. so after a show one night.

uh. the headliner like this lady like um. this hot chick just bee lines up to him. right and it's like flirting with them. at the bar. in the lobby and blah blah blah she's. like all over him. she's like let's go back to my place and. hang out right. and he's like he felt like it was almost. like a little too like aggressive like. this almost feels weird right. so. uh she's like let's go back to my place. anyhow he's like no no you know um let's. just go back to my hotel it's not far. from here so they go to his hotel they.

start making out in his hotel room and. she's like let's get out of here i got. some drugs and stuff back at my place. let's go. and. it was like 40 minutes away where her. place was. so he's like ah nah i'm not going to do. that it's already like 2 a.m or whatever. i'm not doing that. so he she like gets violent throws a. book at him in the hotel room like it. was a bible or phone book you know the. two books they have. so then uh he kicks her out of the room. when she's leaving she stops at the. opener's room right because she knew.

where he was what room he was staying in. right. she gets the opener up they leave and go. out to her house right wherever it is. take a taxi out there. um. she and him start making out in some. room. she's like let me put some handcuffs on. you so she handcuffs him to the bed. they took some drugs or something that. they had at the house. she starts giving him a [ __ ]. and then she passes out right. so he's like chained to the bed trying.

to wake this gal up you know this. [ __ ] and gal right. you know who's on you know break or. whatever you know he's trying to wake. her up. some headlights come across the window. right right and like go across the wall. like somebody pulled into the driveway. outside. so now the dude is like what the [ __ ]. bro like what is going on and here's a. door open. to the house so he's in there chained up. the girl's just like asleep in his lap.

a guy an adult man walks by walks by the. front of walks by the room the room door. is open the hallway walks right by kind. of peeks in a little bit goes in the. kitchen starts making some food right. the dude's chained to this bed bro oh my. god he's got a half of a [ __ ]. he's still trying to wait the girl to. get a quick rest of her blow job or to. get out of there right. so uh the guy is sits in there he hears. the man sitting there watching. television and eating god.

the dude comes back in a little while. later picks the girl up. takes her out of the room carries her. out of the room right then comes back. into the room. with the dude and said and asked him. what was going on right mm-hmm and uh. the kid tried to tell me you know i just. this is what happened this is what. happened. and um the guy. finished blowjobbing the dude. that's amazing.

let him go right right and told him if. he ever came back on his property or. whatever he was gonna [ __ ] kill him. or if he ever caught him with his. daughter or something again he was going. to kill him right it's a happy story. so then anyway the kid gets to like us. uh uh. pay phone or whatever right and calls. back to the hotel. and um and the other convocate kicked. the girl out uh got an attacks or. whatever and came and got him. jesus that's the craziest story i ever. heard that's crazy that's pretty crazy. wait i gotta pee so bad you do go pee. somewhere yeah pee outside or pee in the.

bathroom um yeah that's pretty insane so. there was a similar thing my manager. told me about his neighbor. and. they were like in their late 60s maybe. 70. and him and his wife. the neighbor and uh her husband were. really kinky. and she got into like a leather swing. to get [ __ ] or whatever and he had a. heart attack while she was in the swing. and she couldn't get out he had her neck. and then she started screaming.

and then my manager at the time he went. over to the herder and went in and saw. her in the sling and they had text and i. go did you [ __ ] and he was like. no. i'm like [ __ ] and he goes no i had. to revive the guy and he didn't die but. um i'm like he [ __ ] her but i just. thought that was funny too just she was. she was just sitting there like [ __ ]. brian cowan you know i mean just waiting. to get drilled by [ __ ] shop just.

sitting there. [ __ ] shop thief or sutherland. yeah yeah that's what i call him dang. no kidding there was a bit about job. like i guess he said people say he stole. some fajita joke from me did he don't. know i don't care it was just funny i i. know brennan i don't care if he did but. i doubt it i mean he's had fajitas. yeah a lot of people have had fajitas. yeah. but i haven't seen i don't know if i've. even seen i i haven't seen that joke it. doesn't come to mind no i mean who.

[ __ ] cares but no but that it is. getting funny like so watch out when you. get in your leather swing. yeah don't [ __ ] yell for help man. just die. i remember one night some girl wanted to. have sex and we were so high on cocaine. i just laid there like a [ __ ] owl. and it was just just spinning your head. around. just. yeah. yeah i can't dude cocaine sucks. i remember every time i would do it. panic attack yeah because i like going.

to sleep i like passing out i don't want. to [ __ ] be up more well if you need a. [ __ ] zip to go like a couple more. hours drinking. i guess. but well i remember i realized why i. liked cocaine was because or why i like. it i mean you know i'll always love it. you know it'll always be my second or. fourth or third love yeah but. i'm dangerous but okay. because it's faster than beer i don't. like dr i don't want to like it's faster. than ever around about how i feel you.

know. it's like when people are like hey man. we should drive to uh. to um saturn yeah like i'm gonna fly. yeah i'll see you there you know what. i'm saying. but it's like i want the thing i wanna. whatever the feeling i want i want it. now. i don't wanna sk you know i don't wanna. meander around the lit you know it's too. risky out there just mailing around. having a beer. yeah i once yeah.

yeah you want to just get there i want. the police in my [ __ ] nut sack. immediately oh wow all right you know. but yeah you want to. it's like a flight you want to get there. yeah i want to get you you want a half. hour flight you don't want six hours you. want to [ __ ] be. yeah you want to [ __ ] build a stadium. or something yeah that's why i realized. i like because it was just like it was. just faster more effective that's uh. everything else about i hated panic. attacks you know be you know. not being able to look at people you. know [ __ ] um.

sweating driving and doing cocaine in. your car when you were young right you. know all that kind of [ __ ] [ __ ]. some dude tried to trap me in a bathroom. one time. and was i think trying to be sexy or. something and i remember that i would. think so you know i would think that. would be his motive but it was like drug. induced you know because there's a lot. of drug-induced homosexuality that. happens you know people get high. and then they. they get there's more tendency for gay. they go dick diving yeah don't they yep.

i mean it seems like it's more of a. popular thing in the world or you can at. least blame it on that. you know what i mean. so you can be like dude i drank a gallon. of molly and [ __ ] your whole. um university at that party. yeah yeah. professors everything the mascot. nobody was safe from. my [ __ ] bone. do you um. yes what was the story you were telling. me that you were gonna tell me about the. craziest drunk story did you tell me it.

that was the one about the leather swing. set oh yeah or with the leather sling or. whatever it is. i mean it's not up there with um [ __ ]. ring frisbee hot tub. well that is so funny. it's so weird. good god but yeah i mean anyway i'm. excited to go on tour and experience. yeah so tell me about some of the tours. so are you gonna be sober on the whole. tour no. i don't know i'm gonna try i'll probably. cave a couple there's certain cities. that are. you know when you look at a tour and.

you're like oh. this town is gonna be tricky. to like if i i mean. to not drink in chicago is hard but i'm. only there for one day so that helps but. uh to not drink in like. nashville that's gonna be tricky. there's there's certain cities where san. diego. tricky vegas obviously. but that's a lot and how many cities are. you going to i'm doing like 30 right now. okay nickswortson.net for tickets are. you touring this year anymore or no yeah. got some shows coming up um.

where are you going san diego. denver. somewhere else denver's great altitude. though god damn dude i get [ __ ] on the. altitude every time if you're going to a. place with altitude. drink water like i know it sounds like. stupid or whatever drink a lot of water. before you go and when you're there yeah. because it's i got i just did six shows. in denver they're amazing i love denver. but dude i got sick as [ __ ] i was. throwing up in the green room.

every day before the dream to it yeah um. yeah the only reason i asked you about. the drinking stuff is just because i'm. always curious about that kind of stuff. i'm curious about like you know the. effect it has on people how do people. manage it because our lifestyles are. also different lifestyles you know way. different. it's different than a normal lifestyle. you know like we usually get into this. business because like you know we have. different um. ways that we. uh feel okay in the world and you know. there's a lot of people in our industry. that like you know battle with.

substances and stuff it's very normal. yeah total indians it's very normal i. just want you to know why i ask about. that kind of stuff yeah of course no. it's a valid question and i've dealt. with so much [ __ ] in the past like i. said you know i almost died yeah and i. didn't know this for people that don't. know i almost died i was in the hospital. in denver. and i was there for three and a half. weeks. and there's people that have quadruple. bypass surgeries that are in and out in. four days. and i was over three and a half weeks. and the doctor told me i had a 10 chance.

of living. and then when i got out and i got better. they had lied to me i was supposed to be. dead so my family flew in to say goodbye. to me no and they told me that you have. a 10 chance and then my sister was like. yeah they lied that you were gonna you. were supposed to die. so that's a trip dude when you. experience something like that and then. you come back to life essentially. it just changes your whole. [ __ ] ste. mindset because you're just like oh i'm. like now living on borrowed time that's.

how i see it so how long once that hap. because what you got taken were you at a. place and collapsed did something like. what was what happened i flew into. denver i got sick in my hotel. minneapolis. and then i was like whatever i'm used to. that i was throwing up like bile then i. got on the plane drank on the plane. threw up into my carry-on. so then i got off the plane i'm like. [ __ ]. so then i hadn't eaten or anything so i. ate like you've been were you drinking. i just kept drinking but i kept vomiting. and it was more and more painful than i. had.

a pain in my but i had a pain that was. different it was like pain like fire. pain yeah and i kept trying to drink. through it. and then i'm like oh this no something's. horribly wrong. and i went. to the medic at the airport and they're. like oh you need an ambulance at the. airport well yeah they have like. somebody you know what i mean i'm like. hey something's wrong wait was it that. express spa or whatever that uh. it wasn't like a massage chair i didn't. sit there and like. no i. grabbed a human.

okay at a ticket counter i'm like hey i. something's wrong and the guy looked at. me and he goes oh you need an ambulance. they call me an ambulance and i went to. the [ __ ] you got ambulance out of the. airport. yeah where does it pick up at departures. or arrivals i don't remember but i think. i i think it was departures because they. thought i was going to heaven. yeah. jesus was my pilot he was like. and did you have a beer at the airport. i was drinking vodka and i just kept. going and throwing it up and i'm like. okay this is i can't get through this i.

drank a gatorade threw it up i had a. like a banana. or something you were puking up bile. what's after bile. um. more bile. and then blood yeah and then blood so. then then it was blood at the hospital. it was [ __ ] gnarly dude. it was like it was. i'll never forget then i i don't even. remember a whole week they were telling. me about what i was doing. and the nurse was like yeah you're like. throwing haymakers trying to like. you're watching wrestling on your. computer.

yeah it was crazy but there's pictures. of it there's pictures of me with like. they had to like put mittens on my hands. you wouldn't drink yeah no so i wouldn't. pull the ivs out and really yeah it was. [ __ ] bonkers so you were you went i. mean you went crazy yeah essentially. like i totally lost my [ __ ] yeah and the. altitude was a big factor in that what. [ __ ] no it wasn't. like you tell these crazy stories you're. like i drank 70 drinks i [ __ ] yeah. you're like but there were some raiders. fans there and that's kind of the thing.

that made things strange man yeah no i. drank a gallon of house paint but you. know. there was a drizzle. there was a drizzle outside yeah it was. yeah it was a cloud it was cloudy but. yeah i didn't plan on like that. happening so but do you think you could. because you could if you because you. probably i mean at that point you get. cirrhosis bad things happen to your body. yeah i mean i came really close but i. didn't i mean i'm fine now i mean. obviously like. did they say you can drink again or you. can't drink again.

well it was the doctor goes if you have. another drink you're gonna die so i was. like well that doesn't make sense. but i'm like okay so then i i rehabbed. and then got you know better and i got. really healthy. and then i went and got a checkup three. months after and the doctor was like oh. yeah a different doctor back in la and. he's like yeah you're fine everything's. fine and i'm like what and he goes yeah. it's all yeah everything's back your. liver's back i mean i was like really. you're living. hard well your liver can. rebound yeah i mean you can get to a.

point where it can't where i've had a. handful of friends where that's happened. to. but i mean you can push it and then. you've got to really dry out so i did it. with vitamins and [ __ ] milk thistle. everything just built back up. and then i still wait another six months. and then covet hit and quarantine i went. to key west. and i'm like you know what i'm just. gonna it doesn't make sense so i had a. cocktail and i was i was fine and then i. drank again. yeah i just want you to be which sounds. dumb i'm sure people like you you're a. [ __ ] idiot but i didn't drink like i.

was drinking very rogue i mean i was. just boom shots and just completely. stupid wow but now i'll like you know i. can have a cocktail i can do stuff like. that but you do have to be. really careful do you think you can have. a cocktail yeah i did i told you i had. like a cocktail when i wrapped this. movie buddy games part two hard r. yeah so we celebrated i had a cocktail. and it was fine. so yeah it is interesting you know with. the levels of you know what people can.

do because some people can't they have. one drink and then they wake up in a. [ __ ] prison and i know but that's. most your stories sound like that you. know i know. but i don't know somehow i've made it. knocked out. oh you're [ __ ] yeah i mean you're. you're like. yeah you're like the ghost of. fuddrucker's past. i am dude you keep going the ghost of. future chili's.

what chain restaurant. is the one that's time to [ __ ] shut. it down dude. i don't know i haven't eaten anywhere in. a while long john silvers. didn't they peace out for a while and. then they kind of made a mini comeback. and then people were like no i still. have blood in my stomach i think they're. still out there yeah they think they. merge with boot barn or something. something crazy. i don't know i mean in some places. i don't know what to say cause i don't. want to get.

they're good. i don't see a partnership but yeah i'd. love to see lds versus ljs bro. long john silvers versus long latter-day. saints oh the church of latter-day. saints yeah. that would be a battle. that would be that would be a battle. i'd love to see more battles like that. you know things were getting weird out. there they had um. what was the thing with the uh. the drivers they were the. oh yeah the kia boys this is crazy.

okay so um. thefts of kias and hyundai's are soaring. like 800 percent because there's a tick. tock trend and there are no videos of it. obviously but there is a tick tock trend. where you can basically hotwire a kia. with just like touching the usb port or. touching it with like an aux cable for. your car you know and then kids are. sharing how to do it with the hashtag. kia boyz so it's just like. i mean everyone with kia or hyundai you. gotta lock yourself up right now it's. happening god.

yeah my friend got a kia stolen that's. funny not funny but like oh you can jump. start with an earring dude. what yeah it's like a huge design flaw. you just make contact with something and. they're here i'll show there's screen. grabs oh that's a nightmare. there's screen grabs of it here because. they delay disabled the videos but you. just touch something in there and then. it it goes and they haven't fixed it yet. it's unbelievable oh that's brutal if. you're out there don't [ __ ] do that. good god why like you know why make. people's lives worse.

stealing somebody's [ __ ] car they. probably have a family and if you know. what i mean. dude kia sofia is also a black girl that. i would kia sophia behind was a black. girl that i went to school with is that. true yeah so they should easily pay her. for this right yeah they've got they own. money now. yeah that's crazy i also don't i don't. know i've never owned a kia. you ever borrow your parent's car. without them knowing i've stolen my. parents car yeah. i crashed my dad's car i've crashed my. parents cars why what happened.

um. i got drunk and went to buy drugs. i got drunk and went to buy drugs that. night when i was in high school now what. kind of drug you're talking about weed. weed yeah yeah then when going for weed. was like we're getting some [ __ ]. weeds oh it's so exciting man yeah my. friend chris i would knock on his window. late at night. and he'd be like want something dude. and he would give me like 20 bucks worth. ah i remember i was. loved weed so much i sold my dad's penny.

collection. i went and cashed in. booklets yeah those books all the. midwestern things that your parents had. yeah that's not even enough to buy wheat. i think i bought like a half of a seed. bring those up. bring up the penny collector books my. grandmother had these oh there they are. yes when i was a kid he had a ton of. them too with the with an indian head or. whatever yeah oh. i think the rare ones i was able to cash. in for more money i doubt that i doubt. it.

oh so sad but that's a [ __ ] [ __ ] i. know we've all done it kid like don't be. an [ __ ] i was like i think back oh my. god this one's worth 895 bucks right. here this one. we've all done this nick. and what'd you do you borrowed the car. and what i would drive to go by the weed. and then but my dad's like one of my. moms i got too high and then went off a. ditch. and then my dad's eyes turned into a. telephone pole because you know in the. midwest it's like there's um ice. when it snows after it snows and then uh.

yeah i hit an ice patch win. and then into a telephone pole yeah and. these guys were chasing me i think they. were like kind of thug dudes oh yeah and. i thought they were gonna kill me and i. crashed my car and then they pulled over. and they're like are you all right and. i'm like. no it's my dad's car i'm going to. [ __ ] die and they're like all right. let's drove away. yeah. like we stopped to help but yeah no they. were like we're gonna [ __ ] this dude up. and then we're like oh now his dad's. gonna [ __ ] him up way worse yeah. the [ __ ] father fury.

just jenny's. this haymaker to the jan jan it's crazy. now how with that car theft people could. when a burglar learns something they can. now put that out it's like here's a way. where you can. it's like why would you pay it forward. right but. i understand you wouldn't it's weird. it's dumb it's not helpful to society. but this is the kind of thing that. people are just thinking like this is. how you can do it you know this is how. you can. steal a car you know yeah it's crazy are.

you on tick tock yeah. what do you do we're on there we just. share stuff experiences and moments from. the show. okay um. but they had another it's just it's just. interesting how there's like this. vigilante. there's like vigilante um. social media for like if you're doing. something bad or something good they had. another story with bring up the story. with the lady that followed you know. what i'm talking about zach yeah yeah. yeah.

um this was on reddit this got a. ton of views but basically this business. owner. she was robbed and found the person who. did it and found him on the bus and. followed them home. um this video is one minute long so just. give it a like yeah business owner. follows thief on the bus follow her home. confronts her ass. so. so what did she steal watch this she. left and got on the bus which my. employee notified me about. so i drove to meet the bus guys okay so. this raggedy-ass [ __ ] just came into.

erotic. and stole from my store. from my store okay stop don't touch me. and we're gonna follow her to her house. because she said she's gonna pay for it. there. right. yes. okay. so enjoy the ride and we'll let you know. where she lives. let's play a game called look in the. thief's purse so let's see what she has. stop oh she also took a skirt justin did.

you see that. yeah that's the girl right there. she's still closed. you're looking at me like i'm crazy and. you stole from me the irish imagine the. shock on a thief's face and they got it. don't steal from small businesses okie. okay it's chinese oh okay but wow is. that unbelievable that's incredible good. lord. that's what it's just it's interesting. that like. we're becoming our own police it's like.

the police there are almost like the. secondary part of. the policing it's like well yeah it's. just people taking into their own hands. and using social media to call people. out. and go like [ __ ] this yeah but it's like. that forever it's like just this there's. like this um it's like that for. everything it's like that on both sides. it's like that on if you're the criminal. or if you're the victim. you know it's just interesting how. there's like social media provides this. vigilante sort of uh.

comeuppance yes come up and access what. word am i thinking of zach am i making. any sense. come on puns i mean justice we're. talking about you know right it's. justice and injustice but it's either. way it's like well that's a catch-22 of. social media and that's like the extreme. dichotomy of how it's like it can be the. best tool ever or it can be a very. negative tool yeah you know what i'm. saying. we'll be right back with more from. something episodes. but yeah um white oprah's dude um white.

oprah's would be the best band name. that'd be a sweet um trilogy movie the. black steadman's mm-hmm. um what else anything else in the news. zak i just wanted to see if there was. anything else we wanted to chat about. i'm excited for your tour you're going. to 30 cities you look honestly better. than i see you look great they hung out. last night man you're i just feel like. your energy's good you just i'm just. happy for you you know thanks man no. it's great and it's like it's fun. i got everything out of my system i mean. the thing about covid is that i just.

kind of evaluated my life and like i'm. like. 45 years old i'm where am i gonna what's. my next chapter you know what i mean i'm. like i've already. done. a lot you know yeah but i want to just. do something where. i don't know i just came to terms with a. lot of [ __ ] and a lot of baggage and why. i was drinking so much and like why you. know so i drank in key west and then. just came back full throttle. where i was like okay i came well i went. home and i'm i looked around my place. and i'm like why do i have all these. shoes why do i have these clothes i sold.

my rolex i sold my diamond chains i sold. everything i sold half my shirts almost. all my shoes i'm like this is just. like just minimalized my life where i'm. just like i just want to you don't need. that much so i gave it away i didn't you. know i just was like here. you know i have this. i gave it to you know groups of you know. goodwill type places rolex you gave to. him you sold it [ __ ] no i sold that yeah. sold that we probably didn't pay that i. bought a tailgail.

no i didn't but yeah i just sold all. that stuff so i'm like what do i do so. now i just i only i've got a couple. viking shirts and then i have a fur coat. and a speedo yeah because i feel like. those can do both weathers yeah. did you um. did you see aaron rodgers on. um no what did he do. i was just interested. he told they talked about uh. what did he say. they talked about kind of if we i can't. wait to just feel the fury of football. season.

my first show is uh pittsburgh opening. day. i'm excited in september your first show. is on opening day of football yeah on a. sunday which i'm so stoked because i've. only been to pittsburgh a couple times. or sunday sunday so i'm fired up about. that it's going to be [ __ ] bonkers. it's such a great football town i love. good football town shinley park dude yes. shinley park the frickin downtown i love. pittsburgh dude yeah what is the. sandwich place primonee brothers oh. primanti brothers yeah they got all kind. of good stuff over there it gets a good.

great place thick lady out i saw a thick. chick one time. catching a bus having a gerry olshansky. jersey bring up gerry olshansky bring. him up. this is the kind of woman you want over. there i go to pramani brothers last time. i was there and i was like hey can i. hold the cheese and i had them hold like. a bunch of stuff on it and they looked. at me they were excited that i was there. and then they were like disappointed. that i so i'm allergic i can't have jet. dairy you said jerry o'shansky. yeah olshansky ol what's isn't dairy is.

his name it's dairy or jerry i'm. allergic to dairy i just said that. this is going to be for the stillers. well no that's jerry stiller pittsburgh. steelers. is that old shansky right there. old jerseys are always great too huh. jerry olsovsky yeah there you go.

linebacker they pronounce it different. that's polish. yeah beautiful. um yeah so i'm excited i'm excited for. football it's just it's weird when. there's no football. yeah. but you're a saints fan well yeah you. know i've they've played some story. games over the years yeah we've had. great the miracles happened. yeah. and then we then the next season we won. with kyle rudolph in the end zone. we got that last minute uh last second. catch. i don't know if i remember that one yeah.

that was a year i think it was a year. after. and then we still don't have a [ __ ]. super bowl god damn it. what are the saints that they have one. or two we have one you don't have one. yet no. you don't have a super bowl yet you guys. won against brett favre when you get the. bounty gate [ __ ] i think you guys won. that year but all of that all you guys. have been there since the beginning. weren't you in like in the second super. bowl we were in four super bowls in a. row. we lost all you lost all of them yeah we. don't have a super bowl it's insane.

it's awful. the bills just lost their punter you see. that guy he got accused of rape. yeah i saw that it's crazy. yeah it's crazy dude the bills i mean. like there's teams that i root for i. mean i i if the bills want to be happy. you know oh yeah i really like the bills. they've gone through hell in high water. buffalo. yeah. heartbroken they had um that. the tight end dawson knocks his brother. passed away yeah that's awful. did they figure out how he died i don't. know.

yeah that's terrible. i don't know if they did i i think he. did it said that he died in his sleep. yeah man that just broke my heart yeah. that's terrible and then you have to go. out and play i know what's this guy when. you see those games where they're like. yes mom just died last night he's got a. pitch or something yeah you're like oh. my god did you see the manti teo. documentary no i think you're the one. that told me about it yeah it was like. the catfish documentary it's unbut it's. i want to see it because i remember when. it happened well yeah they had this so.

there's yeah there's a. a guy he grew up playing football. and there's a guy who turns into a woman. [Music]. and she's the one who was pretending to. be. this. girlfriend the whole time. she. so it's a guy it's a trans or a. cross-dresser or trans didn't really go. into it okay. so the the person who was faking him. pretending to be a girl was actually a. guy.

uh is that illegal turned into a girl. okay so the guy became a girl yeah. okay the guy became a girl and just. catfished him for a long time and he. just had really he seemed like he just. has kind of very simple christian. beliefs you're not simple but like you. know basic philosophies of faith and. like right um obviously some gullible. you know. but. [ __ ] i've been catfished before it's. very spooky. but i mean the story's unbelievable and. then they kind of like championed the. girl like she was like coming into her.

own it's like it doesn't even like. they're like but it ruined this it like. didn't ruin it yeah well but it. definitely marred this guy's life. there's a documentary about it that the. guys now [ __ ] has to deal with he. dropped to the third round of the nfl. draft and he was a heisman candidate. remember yeah i remember that yeah i. know that i mean at the end they're like. showing the girl dancing it's like but. at least i you know it's like this is. how i learned to come into my own and. it's like what genital trickery yeah but. come on man. it's crazy that netflix like kind of.

championed her like as if yeah i mean. come on that's not cool but then uh teo. said he you know he's he's you know he's. very much about forgiveness and. well right it was fascinating it was. just like man i'd have been. way more t.o that would have been. genital warfare yeah because they caught. that she pretended also then to be the. brother of the girl he was dating and or. communicating with. and then he's she's like she called as. her own brother. and said that the girl was.

was dead. then called back a few weeks later and. said she's back yeah she's back what. so now he's into zombies or what is. going on what happened. bro the whole thing dude booby doo. oh it will be spooky oh. yeah that's weird i'll check it out have. you ever been catfished. by a catfish yeah yeah [ __ ]. but but you know. it was hot it was hot fish big mouth i. was like game on. it turned out it was a salmon oh i'm.

like this [ __ ] salmon can't be. chooser dude exactly ma'am. samuel. um no i haven't i'm not very like. internet. um. i just think it's weird it's you know it. happens for some people but i don't know. i got catfished before man yeah of. course you did cause you grew up in a. [ __ ] swamp on alcatraz that's true. was it fried catfish or breaded oh it. was it was uh blackened. oh you know what i'm saying brother.

yeah i think we all do um. did it go the distance or what did you. do no i ended up talking to the person. on the phone i was about to go into a. panera bread. and uh i stepped out and took the call. and it was a man it was a black male. and trying to pretend to be a woman. and i'd been texting with this gal for a. while and then it was like wow. you know. did you guys still hit it off. no i was nice for a little bit cause i.

had a couple minutes to kill anyway i. don't even like panera and i had a. couple minutes to kill anyway and i was. like uh you go to panera bread a lot by. the way i don't like it people always. are like let's meet at panera and i'm. like it's bread dude yeah it's basically. like it's like a library for fat. you know it's like. i don't want to go in there. dude yeah like hey want this apple want. all this bread you want a cookie with. your bread want some bread with your. bread bread that's too much bread hey. you want this hat this bread hat and.

your [ __ ] cousin's wearing a damn he. has a pita vest mate you know it's like. yeah it's stupid man i remember i got a. bread turtleneck there and i was like. why did i buy this just. i would just eat around the turtleneck. it was stupid dude my [ __ ] band. called bread i've never even heard him. my nephew hurt his back they put a. [ __ ] tight baguette around his neck. oh my god like jesus yeah my dad lost. his leg and they gave him a [ __ ]. whole baguette as a peg leg.

and then birds you know just kept eating. his leg it was a nightmare dude we went. through hell the whole thing's insane. yeah no it's scary they need to stop i. don't know if we've covered everything. anything else you think we need to hit. zach any good news going on. we feel good we hit a lot of it the last. thing i was going to pull up and you. just mentioned this earlier about like. is it even worth going to college. anymore is there was a study that one in. four gen zers plan on being an. influencer wow oh my god and shockingly. enough in this study the men are think.

they're more likely to be influencers. than the women and they're relying on it. more. but do you see where the uh well first. of all you have to understand there's. going to be less. because of automation there will. probably be less jobs in the future. right i was talking about this with joe. rogan that they have um. at one point it's going to come to the. fact that you're going to have like. everybody's going to have like a gig. economy or is going to be an influencer. you're going to have like two uber. drivers holding each other at gunpoint.

to get the other person. to be their fare you know it's like. everybody's gonna be an uber driver or. everybody's gonna be an influence like. watch me right now you know subscribe to. my tits you know like get in my like. we're literally gonna be fighting to. have the other person be. the uh consumer. i mean we already are but if if if more. actual jobs go away. you're gonna have people holding. subscribe to my [ __ ] you know right.

yeah subscribe. subscribe to my butthole that's. different than everybody else. [Applause]. but i mean how many things can you. influence i don't even it's such a broad. term it's like you're an influencer so. what is that you're just gonna have. billions of people just dancing and then. you know i don't understand well that's. a good point too and also being an. influencer people are just on social. media so i think that's all that this. means. right i mean zach in a in a way that's. kind of all they're say you know it's.

like they could just be kind of saying. that. yeah i mean they're basically just. saying that like i guess when they're. looking at their future i think these. kids are realizing that they have to. grow up like monetizing themselves in. apps which is like kind of [ __ ] up but. yeah i mean um yeah we still need. [ __ ] doctors and lawyers like go to. school right [ __ ] i mean i just couldn't. do it because i didn't know the money or. the grades or the brain yeah but if you. if you're smart you know [ __ ] go to. college i'm not [ __ ] on college at. all i mean if you utilize it and it's.

tricky for kids it always has been about. what do you want to do and you're 18. you're like i don't [ __ ] know dude. but i mean hopefully like you can find. hopefully college can if you're open to. it find you a path of like. you know finding something that you want. to do that can that college can. facilitate yeah i don't know. college is see it seems fun because i. love college sports watching hoop and. football and like you see the games. everybody's all fired up my buddy went. to my brother went to madison and he. watched madison like the house of pain.

and they play and they all jump around. like that would be fun just to go to. college for that. oh yeah i think that's one of just only. to go to football games that's one of. the best experiences i think over the. years of uh traveling to do comedy is. sometimes being in a city or a town. where there's a good college game on. that next day and you stay an extra day. and you grow. and you. i remember you applied to cracker barrel. to go to college there but you did well. i applied to their technical institute. right you know it's where they make a. lot of tech it's where they make a lot. of the condiments yeah you know.

but. um. but isn't that crazy though that that's. it's like i even noticed my little niece. the other day got a separate chain like. started her own like separate channel. and it's just like. well this is this is just what. it's part of life it's like you have to. have this other existence. that means almost more than your actual. existence. what do you mean like metaverse [ __ ] i. mean well your fight yeah like your your.

your existence of. online your personality right yeah i. mean you can create a life or a life. that people see you they think you live. you know what i mean right but that's. it's like that's become. it feels like if that many people are. gonna think that they're gonna be. influencers if. then you're like. that's going to be a big part of. don't judge me as a person judge. whatever this idea of me is that i'm. presenting you know right but people.

also thought like that people guys were. going to have hair like motley crue for. the rest of their lives good point so i. mean [ __ ] goes out we'll see. let's see we'll see what happens did we. cover a lot yeah we did bro i think we. did um nick schwartzen where can people. uh jokes from my face to her. make joke from face make joke from. facebook and then um yeah. nickswartson.net has all my dates. realnickswartson on instagram here we go. right here yeah dude look at that. beautiful and then it's bleeding in the. next year i'm adding more dates i'm at.

mobile alabama which i love atlanta. um vegas i'm announcing and then working. on kansas city st louis some other. places man it's super fun man it's a fun. show i love this act i'm retiring a lot. of. stories and it's it's fun as [ __ ] man so. you seem really motivated yeah i'm fired. up man. yeah it's good good [ __ ] yeah so and. then i got three rated r comedies coming. out reno 911 christmas the binge 2 which. is based on the binge movie with vince. vaughn sequel and then buddy games 2.

which is buddy games that we did. um that did great over quarantine so. and then i'm writing this movie with. goosen the director of grandma's boy and. then you're developing that movie with. david so we got some [ __ ] in the [ __ ]. pipeline dude. trying to stay busy trying to stay alive. nick schwartz and i love you man and i'm. happy for you and i'm glad that you seem. healthy and. um yeah i want to come see a show dude. come to a show anytime man yeah and. we'll [ __ ]. get a switch and just hammer each other. each other's genitals oh dude.

on stage that's what i'm talking about. dude. only uh one of a kind b hole right here. you can't beat him nick swartzen thanks. bro yeah bud now i'm just floating on. the breeze and i feel i'm falling like. these leaves i must be. cornerstone. oh but when i reach that ground i'll. share this piece of mind i. i can feel it.

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