Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #369

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receive your first month of treatment. for free that's k-e-e-p-s. dot com slash t-h-e-o to get your first. month free. keeps.com theo. today's guest is a. just a real energetic man. and he's got that that thing in him. he got that spunk in him you know he's a. real spunk dragon if you see him. if you beat him spunk would come out. that's who he is. he's a movie actor.

and he's a comedian you know him from a. lot of the greats. and um we're here today to get to spend. time with him we're blessed. by this minnesota vikings fan. my friend comedian nick. swartzen for me to set that. [Music]. that light parking me. i'll sit and tell you my stories.

[Music]. [Applause]. ladies. gentlemen that. i and. no i want to just just quickly say brian. callum [ __ ] eat me out. eat me out brian khalid.

where are the all right that's what i. wanted to just kick off. yeah that's a starter meal huh that's a. that's a kickoff. that's to eat me out off that's a. slappitizer bro. and would he do it though. i mean. is he that snacky guy i don't know if he. seemed like a real snacker to me. i feel like he would make people do that. to him yeah or i'm generous with my a.

noose. my [ __ ] anal tunnel oh yeah. it's just you know. people can just sign up there's a sign. up sheet outside my building really yeah. anybody that's walking by. just jot it down get in there. damn. do you wish you had do you ever wish. that your anus was bigger or do you wish. it was smaller. um i've thought about that every day of. my life when i wake up yeah i just i. touch it and i'm like still kind of. medium.

but i think tighter you know what i mean. just for. um a lot of my friends that have you. know big fingers yeah. but um yeah you i mean uh but yeah. entirely you could you could steal. somebody's ring you know like they do on. um. remember on uh i think robin hood when. he kisses the um. the captain's the hand oh yeah. um. yeah he was [ __ ] throbbing yeah he's. as hard as a rock no i don't want my.

[ __ ] to be too loose like i want to. feel my [ __ ] you know what i mean i. don't want to just fall out yeah just go. awol yeah like somebody just throwing. them on your doorstep like an amazon guy. yeah yeah i don't want him just [ __ ]. swan diving when i take a [ __ ] and like. clean landing. i wanted to i want to feel it yeah oh. wow huh yeah. damn you're like a real outdoorsman yeah. i'm very thirsty yeah you're very old. yeah [ __ ] i'll take a [ __ ] anywhere i. think in the future people [ __ ] will. be a thing of the past actually.

defecating as a human like if you see. somebody go in a room by themselves. to have. special desecration or whatever it's. called desecration that's desecration. leave their body defecation isn't it. defecation yeah yeah desecration i think. is. um when you put your turtleneck on. backwards oh damn yeah i think that's. what it is. um. but damn dog no the futures is gonna be. like eye toilets or something or it's. like apple will drop like.

some new thing yeah wonder what's gonna. happen it's exciting to think about is. it yeah. yeah i hope apple's listening. if steve jobs ghost is here we gotta get. out a [ __ ] ouija board wake that. [ __ ] up dude where's your eye. toilet [ __ ] dead guy. you just press a button and the meal. leaves your stomach yeah you put your. phone like just put it right against. your stomach and it just [ __ ] absorbs. it. and then. it sends it right to brendan schaub's. mouth.

it just appears ben and shaw be like. eating at some [ __ ] stupid restaurant. and then just [ __ ] just fills his mouth. like a [ __ ] italian chipmunk. just harboring nuts for the winter. oh. and he gets back in his leopard-skinned. miata that he bought for eight million. dollars because he didn't doesn't know. how to buy things. when you child when you every time you. floor it in there you can hear an. endangered species die i feel like you.

can hear. many special animals kill themselves. yeah dude it runs on ebola. [Laughter]. eboliato that's the new [ __ ] car. brendan drives um no but i think in the. future everyone will wear like a. colostomy bag you'll just empty out i. think actually having to go to a room to. like. because it's crazy when you think about. it i'm going to go off to a private room. and get like uh. liquids or solids out of my body it. almost seems like you're like a bad. magician.

right yeah yeah but it's a trick that. everybody knows and the trick smells. yeah yeah like if you pull a rabbit out. of a hat doesn't smell unless a rabbit's. dead. yeah yeah that's right. bad magic and it's just some guys. pulling dead rabbits out of a hat. how is that not a show there's every. other [ __ ] show on the air it's so. stupid i was like quarantining and [ __ ]. back in the day i can't even say that. which is weird so yeah you left out of.

columbus and what. i left out of columbus and i didn't know. what was happening like everybody else i. was like what is happening. and uh. you know people were just it was up in. the air and then uh. i um went and just they're like you got. a quarantine so i came back to la and. got my [ __ ] and then i went back to. minnesota where i'm from yeah and. quarantined in my sister's basement. which was a house that i i bought her. so your basement my basement she i. remind her of that every time i step.

foot in that [ __ ] place anyway i'll. digress on that. but. it was just weird because then it was. like there were murder hornets and like. all this weird [ __ ] kept dropping and. then i left at the pentagon reveal that. they're aliens they're like no there's. proof there's aliens people like yeah. yeah cool anyway what's going on with. this disease like nobody cared about. anything yeah they dropped murder. hornets on us i don't even know what the. [ __ ] that is yeah i feel like they kind. of like it was a time where like they're. going to slip other things out while.

people are heavy yeah totally they're. like oh they're looking that way. dude. there's a lot of like distraction going. on. well that comes to my point so i was in. quarantine. and uh i got minnesota and what are you. doing there are you working during the. day are you doing anything are you doing. emails i use my [ __ ] mind okay so i. just sat there and i read books. and i got caught up on netflix shows. and i journaled. and i caught up with a lot of friends. and i did some podcasts and [ __ ] or like. phoners and stuff.

but um i just sat there and like really. thought about my life. and uh you know what i wanted to. accomplish in my next chapter you know. what i mean yeah so i didn't drink or. anything i was [ __ ] sober kai dude. wow. yeah i didn't [ __ ] you were living. clean out there now where you were doing. a gym were you elliptical in or anything. no i just did push-ups it was like a. kind of a it was like a. prison. it's not like you're incarcerated yeah i. was a prison with netflix your sister's. upstairs. she's upstairs and my nieces and nephews. and stuff and i was like just don't even.

don't come in this sanctuary yeah yeah. and i took shits i'm not gonna lie yeah. and uh the dog would run in and he would. watch me poop and then he would be like. all right i'm this is this is like the. third time in like half hour you're like. he's like re-run. yeah. and so then i got a message from expedia. and they were like. are you ready for your trip to key west. i had [ __ ] forgot that i booked a. trip to key west that december before. covert or anything i was like i've.

always wanted to go to key west yeah and. just kick it you know i've read. hemingway i like the show bloodline. so i went to key west florida i left. there and then i went to south carolina. and hung out with danny mcbride for like. oh yeah yeah i love danny i almost moved. there he's like you gotta move here dude. yeah and i almost did but i went down to. key west. and uh i was gonna go back up to south. carolina but i stayed in key west i was. supposed to be there for 10 days i. stayed for a year and a half.

in [ __ ] key west i was there a year. and a half. that's not a joke and what did you start. like a not a farm but you do like a um. job or something did you get hired. anywhere nope. what i just tuned out i was just. everything was so [ __ ] bonkers in. 2020 that i was just over it dude so i. just stayed down there and it was so. removed from everything like nobody gave. a [ __ ] i had no idea what day it was. after a while. and i just stayed i just kicked it were. you partying were you sailing were you i.

partied initially and sailed initially. yeah and then i just. [ __ ] had a couple of [ __ ] pops and. then i would just listen to the song. sailing yeah by christopher cross and. that was a lot easier. sailing. [Music]. no but it was awesome though like nobody. was on twitter nobody was like yeah. everybody was just like island life and. i just fell in love with it. and was it like um were you doing um any.

employment at all are you just i didn't. do [ __ ] i did nothing did you try to get. a job did you fill out the application i. was just over it i thought about some. [ __ ] and i was like planning on coming. home like what like real estate or what. were you considering. no i was gonna like shave my pubes and. just make dream catchers or some [ __ ]. like that's what key west is like like. after a year i didn't even own clothes. i just wore like butterflies is there. government down there i feel like it's. just like basically people down there. just. like obviously these people hating.

native americans and everybody because. they're they're trying to get out of. america is a lot of cubans there's a. latino there what is it it's kind of. everything i mean it's local it's. uh i mean it's you know it's. a lot of tourists it's a big tourist. spot you know so it's a lot of people. driving from florida and there's a lot. of fishing. there's a lot of fishing and there's a. lot of like snow birds but it's funny. because when i landed my buddy picked me. up. and he goes welcome to the island of. misfit toys. and i go what does that mean he goes.

you'll see. and i didn't know what that meant and. then after a little bit i was like oh. yeah. like everybody's just going rogue dude. like everyone's got a story everybody. that i met was like yeah i came down. here like on a connection with the. flight and then i just stayed for like. 20 years. like it's just the best. like relief yeah i was on the airline. they lost my family like the airline. lost your family. yeah i was flying over key west and then. i decided [ __ ] i'm just gonna parachute. out of this [ __ ] and just.

open the door. but it was awesome it was just it was. [ __ ] crazy i can't believe i was. there that long wow it was so fun and. i'm not the coolest people all the. locals are great really yeah now is. there a lot of cause you seem like a. kind of place where people are sneaking. out they're getting like a lot of times. you see on american greed the guy ends. up down in key west is there like a lot. of hidden like. people that could have been doing. murders or anything like that down there. i feel like it's a lot of like kind of. like you'll never catch me type of.

people i mean you know i didn't i wasn't. like a part of that scene but i mean i. it exists it's like the show bloodline. have you seen that. half the first episode the first season. is [ __ ] dope but it's a lot of hiding. bodies. i didn't see that i mean i hid. a lot of big garbage bags that were. really heavy but i didn't look inside. yeah so it could have been i'm just. gonna say. it was. a bunch of um iguanas. that's how i'm gonna visualize it did. you see like um that speak english and.

you'll help did you feel that. did you feel i feel like it's a lot of. people wearing eye patches and a lot of. people like her if you knew what. happened you know you'd be fine lad you. couldn't your motor was a r you know i. feel like it's like a lot of like there. is that like there's like those bars. yeah then there's like heavy tourist. bars. and then there's uh is there a. margaritaville. um yeah i'm almost sure there was i. never went to it they're like the. margaritavilles like the fat tuesdays is.

there a chico's is that fat tuesdays. what's the one that's like the big and. tall clothing store. obese ricks oh bees rick yeah. no um i don't know yeah yeah. dawns. thick ricks. hey welcome to the thick rick's the. guy's just shocking. he's like a mr potato head heavy on the. potato yeah hey. mr potato you mind just pouring some. ketchup on my body.

they don't know they don't have cologne. they just have gravy. they just [ __ ]. yeah oh what are you wearing uh that's. uh. sausage. that's some stouffer's new cologne. yeah why not oh damn no but it's one of. those places jason does a deodorant. oh my god that's amazing oh my god these. condoms have real sheepskin in. them it's chewy. oh man oh no the lamb here is great oh.

my god this shirt has chocolate chips on. it. um. yeah but it's one of those places where. the dive bars like i just didn't really. go to them because it's kind of like you. said it's one of those things where i. was told this where you walk in and. they're like. who are you. like eye patch [ __ ] eye. patches yeah some guy takes his eye out. of his mouth because it's wet it's just. gotten wet enough to put back in socket. yeah it makes it sound like.

yeah because it's just been sweating but. yeah but there's a lot of great bars. sandbar is awesome it's like the sports. bar there i was there a lot. and uh it's just cool man everything you. think you were missing out on the world. did you feel no i was a big i don't know. anybody else that just kind of went to a. place and was like this is what i'm. gonna do. yeah i mean i don't know who else did i. mean i was there just chilling but it. was perfect because every time i would. look at my phone. or look at twitter. it was just there was always something. [ __ ] bonkers happening like no day.

was chill and it would like stress me. out and i'm like oh god. yeah. so then i was like get me the [ __ ] out. of here. were people down there like in were they. uh. by is it a lot of people trying to. escape the pandemic was it people. believing the pandemic was it a lot of. like deniers or was it just. what was the vibe down there it was a. lot of you know it's a lot of locals and. it's a lot of people that. you know there were people that kind of. believed it and kind of were you know. not believed it but like we're like oh.

yeah no like you got to be careful right. i mean nobody was. like reckless you know nobody was. walking around. sneezing into a [ __ ] megaphone yeah. but um i don't even know what's. happening straight into a baby's ass. yeah get that baby. sneezy jefferson. but uh yeah i know it was knees into him. and his arms go like this yeah. the needles cries blood out of his eyes. no uh no it was it was chill but you. know there was they took your.

temperature and people wore masks and. but a lot of people came to key west. lake get away from the masks i hear. there's a lot of like risque sex parties. and stuff down there did you see any of. that i didn't see i had heard stuff but. that's kind of one reason why i was. intrigued i'm not i'm not going to a sex. party yeah because every party i go to. is a sex party. no um like a judge i hear it's like a. real seemingly mardi gras down there you. know like that's kind of what you hear. there are semen fights those break out. at happy hour yeah yeah so it's just you.

know a lot of [ __ ] spider webs i'm. the king of new york. [Laughter]. but. no it wasn't as wild. but also this is. post covid so pre covert i heard it was. a lot crazy they have a thing called. fantasy fest. and they have stuff like that where. they're like dude. it's there's no rules it's just. completely insane and is fantasy fest is. it a gay festival because it's because. it's also no it's like anything. it's a lot of like swingers like that.

was kind of a vibe that i got it's a lot. of people that are. like down like married couples from ohio. that came down for a weekend oh they. wheeling them out they're just now. they're wearing toilet seats and they. have all they always have some brother. shows up in a tony gwynn jersey and like. oh this dude yeah this dude's getting on. base and then they're like is that. minute ball and it just might be. that's some piece to both those guys. they've passed have they yeah. oh yeah at fantasy fest.

oh they started coming all their organs. out because they were [ __ ] so much. bleep. that's my spleen. that's my spleen. yeah sir you're an organ donor. thank you you donated to my butt bank oh. yeah. [Music]. um. but yeah it was great man and then i. came back it like kind of changed my. whole view of everything so i came back. briefly to los angeles for a couple. weeks to shoot a commercial.

and uh just makes a little. for what is it for boston market it was. for wendy's. yeah i was like. just only online and i went back to my. place in la and i got a condo it's nice. you know it's chill. and i looked at all my stuff and i'm. like why do i have all this stuff. i don't need this [ __ ]. and i [ __ ] got rid of like. so much of my clothes my shoes. i got rid of my like i had a rolex i had. a diamond chain i got rid of all of it. all of it and i was just like i don't. need it and that's what was cool about.

key west is like i was there for that. long and i had maybe. eight shirts. two pairs of shorts flip-flops and a. pair of shoes damn and i was happy as. [ __ ] dude i was like why do i don't need. all this [ __ ] you know what i mean it. was really cool and it really like. made me realize how much when you just. have so much [ __ ] i got rid of my car. five years ago yeah and uh like the more. stuff you have i mean i live in a. neighborhood where i can walk everywhere. but. you know i just got rid of [ __ ] it was.

just i donated it you know what i mean. and it felt cathartic you're saying it. was cathartic and it's like if you if. you're out there and you're listening. yeah. like just look around your you know. where you live just go like do i need. something need this. blender you don't need that yeah you. don't need a [ __ ] fourth facts. machine yeah you have 40 bath towels. yeah yeah that's too much you have one. body. yeah you have one body yeah and i mean. people in key west would be like oh yeah. dude you're still here it's dope and i.

go yeah and they're like dude do you. need another shirt and i'm like. yeah. and they're like all right and we would. like barter. i'm like here's my spleen and i'd. [ __ ] jerk a spleen into their [ __ ]. grill. but uh. yeah it was just it was just are you. really humming bats down there is it the. kind of place where you're going to. offer you save that more for the. mainland what's going on down there be. honest with me with what looks like if i. get to island if i go out to an island. dude i feel like the first thing i want. to do when i get there is.

spray out you know just. unleash the seed bust 100 son yeah i. mean i i just it's like it's almost like. doing it's like your own little. christopher columbus it's your own. little. whatever that place is called chesapeake. or whatever where they land at plymouth. rock plymouth rock dude yeah. no i mean it was i played with my. jenny's a couple times i pretended like. my balls were like an island and then my. dick was like a palm tree. so i just squeeze it and then make the.

tree. unleash a [ __ ] blizzard here. but yeah i know i [ __ ] teach you. was it um it was just like. whatever the [ __ ] you want to do it's. like the movie office space which is. great if you haven't seen it watch it. but there's the scene where peter. um played by ron livingston gets. hypnotized he's like a nine to five. corporate yeah i remember that and um. nine to five dude and he gets hypnotized. and he. goes into his zone and has this clarity.

oh damn and he just. the more he doesn't give a [ __ ] the more. things happen to him that are good. and there's a scene where his buddy goes. hey man. peter what's going on with you. and peter just goes. have you ever done nothing. it's so much better than you think it is. and that's kind of how i was because i. was. you know i i started comedy when i was. 19 and i was immediately on tv and. toured my whole life. and i'm 45. and i was filming and touring and. filming and touring and i never just.

stopped and like took a breath because. everywhere i went i would do shows so i. was always kind of it's a little. stressful you know so it just was. constant so when i got there i think. that's why i stayed so long. because as i was just like oh i've never. just been like. i don't want to go through my emails i. don't want to check twitter i don't want. to go. on facebook i don't want to do this i. just want to like wake up. wave to the [ __ ] sun go get a [ __ ]. cocktail go to the [ __ ] beach it's. right there it was just so awesome and.

the people were so great so so many cool. people people struggle. people struggle if you even look in the. bible or if you look at uh even as old. movies or anything. you could definitely see a lot of people. are struggling so. it's not shocking that you might need. help. and if you can't get help in your area. or if you don't want to go to a brook. and mortar building because you might be. nervous or scared better help is. available. that's right. better help. available worldwide there's a broad.

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o-n-e-p-e-l-o-t-o-n.com. to learn more. 350 off the peloton bike at one. peloton.com terms apply. did you learn anything about yourself. kind of in that time because it is a. real because i i i get afraid to take a. break sometimes you know. well i mean i learned that i to. decompress and to like take care of. myself. and uh. also just. just. you know i mean like again being 45 you.

know the world just changed so much like. we grew up without social media and grew. up without all this [ __ ] and all this. stuff and like i said like 2020. 2021 we're just so it's just still. insane but it's like it was just system. overload essentially yeah so i was like. when i was quarantined and i was stoned. sober i was like. oh. i want to go back to like reading and. like. just hanging out with like being with. myself you know and not having stimulus. and all these people and all this. [ __ ] would you read you reading.

books zines what were you reading i read. [ __ ] zines. i read books. yeah. i read yeah i can read i think i used to. read outdoor american can you pull that. up colin don't pull it up. unlike callan and shop i can read there. you go outdoor america right there. budget. set up for fall walleye. go back to that go back to the dime with. the walleye huh. and what's the article at the top.

dude look at you you want to catch your. brown eye hey here we go. uh the old cold water crappie huh oh. [ __ ]. where and how to catch fall crappy oh. grab your crabs question of my life and. where did you do any fishing tours down. there. yeah why not like everybody there has a. boat so you want to go on the boat and i. love the ocean i love the water it's. just that to me is really cathartic do.

you jump in the water when you get out. there you stay in the boat no i walk on. the water i'm jesus. yeah of course. yeah i get in the [ __ ] water. it's a trip dude you go out like way out. and you it's still walkable yeah like. they're like sand bars they call them. damn yeah it was just you really lived. it up so was there a point where uh i. would take naps yeah i'll take like. three naps a day oh. it was so awesome. dude i took a nap. i think this is two days ago probably.

the first nap i've taken in. a couple years maybe. it was so nice it was like only about 14. minutes but it was so nice i feel like. it's hard to sleep at night it's easier. to sleep get real good rest on a nap do. you think that. yeah i think i mean i've learned with. all the stuff like i've got a holistic. doctor and people like. that you know turn me onto certain. things. and they were like listen to your body. they were like listen if your body's. tired you should [ __ ] lie down you.

know it's just 10 minutes 15 minutes. yeah you know if you're hungry like eat. you know what i mean if your body's like. hey i want to eat yeah like just grab a. piece of fruit grab some [ __ ] veggies. damn yeah so what brought you back is. there now now that you're back in in los. angeles and in maine land america do you. feel like there's anything that like. was there stuff that you missed do you. feel like you. want to do. more work do you like you want to go. back there like what do you kind of feel. now i wanted to i mean i wanted to.

retire i wasn't planning on coming home. really and then i met i mean every day i. would meet fans and take photos and. they're all like what are you working on. next you know when's your next stand up. special when are you touring again all. my twitter dates got canceled it's. covered. and uh. i realized then i would go like i think. i'm going to retire and then people to. look on their face to be like. what. i'm like. yeah i don't know i think i might just. live here and they're like. you can't do that.

and then you know like a lot of my. friends and people are like dude you. can't you're [ __ ] 44 at the time. you can't just. cash in now. and uh they're like you gotta like keep. going and then i talked to my agents and. [ __ ] and they were like yeah where have. you been yeah. and i like you they could hear parrots. in the background and i'm eating a. tarantula i don't even know what is. going on. and. so they're like just come home dude just. come on man you can't quit and i had a.

it was frustrating so i had a new. special before covet i had all this. stuff so. i. took a little bit more time and then i. was like i gotta come home and i got. offered two movies wow i start filming. in february you do yeah and then i. started to do stand-up again and. so i i i missed it you know what's the. movie going to be about. there are two sequels one is a sequel to. a movie called the binge. which was on amazon which i i had not. seen it but my friend was producing it. and they offered me the sequel and i. watch it and it's it's.

funny dude there's some really funny. [ __ ] vince vaughn's in it this is a. really good cast it's about. like the movie the purge you know that. it's like a big franchise oh yeah yeah i. saw the purge where one day you can like. kill people. yeah this one is. it's in the future and it's like the. world is sober. and one day everything's legal every. drug alcohol everything's legal damn. yeah so it's like what would you do if. you had one day uh. and then we'll get to this question that.

came in if you had one day what would. you do where everything's legal. what would i do what drug wise yeah or. anything. if anything was legal. everything is kind of legal. i mean if you get away with it no i mean. i don't know i'm not gonna rob a house. or kill i don't know i mean i don't. think i could eat anybody. i mean. you got to kill something you know. it's not that hard these days to find. somebody to kill i don't think. i would probably i don't i i couldn't my.

friend killed somebody. uh by choice. or you just made it oopsie i mean it's. hit you know i'm not trying to somebody. fell on a gun it's not i mean i'm not. trying to like you know. oh god no you already opened the can of. worms but you know. oh some guy actually raked himself to. death in his own yard that's interesting. he just punched his dick into his ass. until he bled out oh she just cried. merry christmas. bring that image home to your family oh.

bro there's been times where i just. wanted to climb into my own ass man yeah. that's what i mean i did that in key. west and just disappear yeah you just. hide in a little [ __ ] warm cage yeah. and just reach out with one hand and cut. the lights off like that yep hold it. just hold it over the hole yeah. yeah. um. but yeah so i'm doing that and then a. sequel to a movie i did called uh the. buddy games me and josh to male and dax. shepard olivia munn. it was a big uh it was a big hit it's on. video on demand and you can it's not a. bunch of strategies we'll never see it.

but no i thought it was good you will. but uh not on an airplane probably i. feel like people rated r bro do you feel. like it's interesting how movies now. have kind of disappeared a little it's. like since the theaters are gone it's. different. um yeah but they're coming back i mean. uh movies are still i mean they're i. feel bad because a lot of the movies. that were like huge movies. um like dune and ghostbusters and there. was like a handful of them that are. being released but.

you know it just it [ __ ] was a [ __ ]. block so my movie buddy games was. supposed to be in the theaters and we. got c blocks. but check it out i will check out buddy. games because i like i like a title like. that buddy games it's fun dude yeah so. we're doing a sequel to that so i'm. filming i would love that dude i could. see you doing like a a good movie for. you i think would be doing like. something with armadillos or like night. animals i've been offered that a lot. yeah this is they've offered me. armadillo the movie armadillo. um the horror movie horror movie are you. joking around no man i don't joke about.

armadillos a lot of people do you could. you you think you could have offered a. porno armadildo oh did you really damn. dude it just comes out at night mm-hmm. right i need your bum yup comes out. while you're sleeping. it's. and it's the size of an arm. it has a watch around its neck. dude that is some flavor flav right. there but you know armadillos can jump. really high can we get a video of that. please.

okay there's the [ __ ] armadillo look. at that bad girl huh shorty thick huh. don't they she looks mexican kind of. with her hair like that. what don't they have like um. like scales or something what's on their. back don't they fold up into a ball. uh yeah they do because i was at a park. and i picked it up i thought and i. dunked it and then if this thing died. it unveiled itself. look at that dillo i think they go by. dillo huh. yeah.

that's what diplo the dj he used to be. called deluxe he's an armadillo i think. oh i could see him being at that joke. they're very nocturnal uh can we see uh. the video of the jumping armadillo. please yeah that was what we wanted. initially. not the [ __ ] thing eating lip leaves. or vagina. okay is it standing up. that's a man that's a wow. that's how bad my vision is.

oh oh she tased it's [ __ ] huh i don't. know that thing definitely. somebody did she chased the labia that. thing got a tater salad enema right. there you saw that. bro. somebody freaking. got dipped in the freaking. got a little bit of bowl slaw dude we. got armadillo right here y'all check it. out. i'm going to slow down. so we can look at it look at this okay. check this out i got this air horn right. here oh that's not cool i'm gonna see.

what happens when i blow it at the. armadillo. i can't see what happened. i gotta go back. [Laughter]. can we zoom in on the screen some right. here. i'm gonna see what happens when i blow. it at the armadillo. dude my god. you know in the future they're they're. doing a thing now and the future is now. and they're doing a thing where a lot of. armadillos they're getting the scales.

off of them so it's just the body. and you can because people can have them. more as pets and then unbelievable. the way that they're starting to. just get a cat. they don't want that they have to have. an armadillo they [ __ ] are these. idiots who are these people i don't know. rich people probably people making your. movie probably brendan is probably a. [ __ ] kennel of our [ __ ] dillos. what a [ __ ] oh [ __ ]. yeah. rogan has a fleet.

he's got an army i'm sure he has a. couple we had a question another. question about hollywood that came in. what else do we got. what up theo what up swarty yo what up. morning from phoenix arizona yeah the. phoenix had a little quick question. uh who's more fun to work with. jennifer aniston. or david spade. to me they're kind of both equal on the. looks both pretty good looking yeah. anderson seems sneaky funny though. spade's obvious funny.

okay that's depending on the mood you're. in but there we go. thanks dude i love you call me sporty. that's my nickname dude i love uh that. that guy a looks like me if i were a. little handsomer right and um that guy. moved to aries very. he's living kind of a joe dirt existence. kind of did you catch that at all yeah i. caught a little bit of dirt there moved. to arizona he for sure has it which is. where spade is from he's got a dillo.

necklace oh. um spade anderson. interesting question they are both very. different you're accurate on anastom. being sneaky funny she's very funny. um. she's got better hair than david ooh. yeah and hers um. is very majestic. david. smells like funyuns. yeah okay but david is very funny yeah. but i'm i'm going to give aniston the. edge. because you well when you're in a scene.

with anderson your eye when you look at. david you've got to look down. and he's kind of like a lawn gnome. oh he's got that downhill vibe yeah but. in a nice way like a nice funny little. little lawn now. what about um. were you down there when norm passed. away. yeah that was awful norm was one of my. best friends. that was awful really yeah that was my. buddy todd calling i woke up from a nap. and i look at my phones my friend todd. i'm like hey what's up. he goes uh.

we're just taking a nap and i go yeah. what's up he goes uh you haven't checked. your phone have you and i go no. and he goes norm mcdonald died. and i go. what no. and he goes yeah and it was one of the. few times in my life. i just hung up the phone and immediately. started sobbing. and i sobbed for like a half hour i just. completely lost it yeah he was like. really like one of my close friends and. it was like waiting for a fight huh it. was awful dude it was just and then i.

found out like he had cancer for a long. time didn't tell anybody and it it was. hard it's still really hard everyone's. pretty shook by it do you remember the. last time that you had seen him. um i hadn't seen him for a while. but uh the last time i saw him. that like at a bar by our place. and uh. he would watch he was a big gambler. but um the last time i talked to him. i was quoting when i was quarantined in. minnesota he would uh i'd text him and i. go. hey what's up dude and he goes.

who's this. and i he would do this all the time i go. it's [ __ ] nick dude he goes. hey nikki. what uh what are you doing. and i'm like nothing i'm quarantined and. he goes ah he didn't stand after. and i'm like no the [ __ ] i wasn't saying. stand up. and he goes why that what's your plan. and i go i don't know i'm gonna kick it. here and then i think i'm gonna go to. key west and i go. i might just retire though and just move. to reno and just get like a residency.

and then i'll just live in reno and just. work there just be like an old comic. yeah and he goes the sword of god he. goes. ah that's a that's a good idea i'm gonna. go yeah i don't know whatever he goes. that nah. maybe i'll join you we'll both headline. reno. and i go. dude reno's [ __ ] a mess i go no i. don't want to do it. so i go to key west a month later he. calls him he goes. hey. what are you doing and i go i don't know.

i'm in key west what's up with you and. he goes. uh. when are you going to reno and i go. dude that was a joke i'm not moving the. [ __ ] reno and retiring it's like a. comic and he goes ah [ __ ] i thought i. thought it was a good idea. and i'm like no. and so that's the last time i talked to. him. and then his. um close close for his closest friend. lori jo. i hit her up after norman passed and i. was like hey are you doing okay. and she goes one of the last things.

before. norm died one of the last things he. talked about was moving to reno with you. no yeah and i go are you serious she. goes yeah he was like. he really wanted to do that. and i was like oh and then i made me cry. again. and uh yeah it was just. that was norm it was really it's awful. damn i'll tell you i have so many norm. stories but this is one of my favorites. and um. i was on tour me sandler spade rob. schneider and norm was kind of like the. wild card he would pop in for certain.

dates. so we're and uh i believe mohican son in. connecticut we're backstage everyone's. in santa's green room talking shooting. [ __ ] and me and norman in the hallway. hanging out and um i don't know why i. did this. uh this long hallway and this guy walks. in. uh way down the hallway walks in the. door and i'm like looking and you know. we're always kind of suspicious about. people who come backstage. and i go. i think that guy's a gun. and uh normal goes. what.

and i go i think that guy's a [ __ ]. gun dude and he's like oh my god and he. runs into sandler's room and he goes. there's a gun. there's a man with a gun and i was like. no no no there's not there's not i was. no no i'm joking there's not and he goes. no no no next time there's a catholic. gun and stanley goes what the [ __ ] is. the guy with the [ __ ] gun and spade's. like oh no what the [ __ ] what's good and. i'm like no there's no gun there's no. gun i just it was i was making like a. joke just for norm and norm's like.

what how is that a joke and i'm like i. don't i don't know. and sam was like. stanley was like what the [ __ ] is wrong. with you and i'm like. i don't know man spade's like yeah real. cool man and i'm like. i'm just gonna go to my room and norm's. like yeah i thought there was a gun i'm. sorry nick nick said it. i'm like. lord real buzz when the guy walked past. it was a security guard. [Laughter]. but yeah so he really did have a gun. he didn't have a gun but he just looked. like somebody that would have a gun.

yeah well people use guns for security. man. it was just not a good joke on my part. especially poor norm did you guys ever. work together or not. we did those shows together and we did. like. oh i got a norm story too um you know we. never like we're on stage together like. [ __ ] bonnie and clyde or whoever. i was at uh i don't think it's called is. it bonnie and clyde. i don't know. um. we can hear a security guard he's doing. this [ __ ].

oh dude yeah bro he had i don't know if. he eats at like a um. trough or something but he has the worst. who norm are the security guards bowel. movements the. security guard here and he's a parking. attendant but his shirt says security. i'm like. that's a yeah. sounds like no one's safe from that. bathroom yeah. but he's in there about probably if i go. in there. he's in there one out of two times when.

i go. oh really yeah because he has a problem. yeah yeah he needs an armadillo. oh he closes up that drain. no [ __ ] scales. feels clean. no scales baby this [ __ ] is clean boy. damn i got my baby a damn freaking. scaleless dilla baby. god damn i can't that is that a real. thing look at it people want scaleless. armadillos you bet i'm looking at teddy. tonight son damn boy.

i'll eat half my own [ __ ] son i'm. [ __ ] if i'm looking at scaleless. dilla son it's on baby [ __ ]. it is on bro i will [ __ ] eat a pecan. out of my cousin's ass baby you feel me. listen christmas morning. let's go elvis presley um you think you. could do a good elvis presley. impersonation. i could make an attempt all right i. don't know if i would ever use it on. anything i'll have.

all right. she. [Music]. hey. then he dies he goes into stroke oh damn. dude. and that's uh who is that that's. benedict cumberbatch who was that yeah.

that was benedict cumberbatch doing. elvis presley. um. and that was steven seagal and that was. aaron gonzalez they hear aaron gonzalez. in person yeah that's correct go pads. yeah um. no so i went to i had to go to this. casino one time with norm right. gambling man no he was playing on the. show adam eager was there and i somehow. got booked in the feature right. so norm's headline and. i felt like norm was on pills or he was.

way a little bit lit but i don't know if. that's true some people say he never did. any drugs i don't know he seemed like he. was off. he took pills but he could have been. yeah he could have just been having a. this was like he had cancer for a while. right so who knows uh i don't even know. so but this is when i was alive and you. know in my past. so what happened was i. go on stage and i ran the light right i. was like. but yeah and it was literally in a barn.

like attached to a casino like the place. where you could hear like there were. like live births like there was a lot. going on you know from animals or people. i mean who knows you know thick thing. you just heard the sludge oh you hurt. you hurt some [ __ ] sludge you hurt you. let the bodies hit the floor there was. nobody catching these things they were. being born right you know it was just a. lot of uh. falling they were free falling. i didn't even hit the ground not a. skinny puppy you know a lot of babies. that were fart powered oh yeah.

that's my son you know oh a little robo. fart just that kind of. so who books this gig helen keller so. anyway. he goes out there and he's he is like. you can barely even hear him it's ba. he's just kind of garbling his words. right right so anyway. the next day. we're all downstairs jerry mathers is. there too. okay what.

no i swear jerry mathers is beaver from. leave it to be bring him a picture of. jerry mathers please also that's a real. show for all the kids out there leaves. called leave it to beaver yeah and. beaver was like the rascal son right oh. all show old shows are porns now right. there he is right there. yeah. and uh what the [ __ ] was he doing giving. birth to eddie haskell bro he was the. same show and yeah and eddie haskell. died recently r.i.p very sad but um. young violence uh i'm not sure what it.

was i think it was miss live in a nice. neighborhood i think it was miss. applebaum or whatever he whoever the. teacher was he was always at odds with. you know yeah miss crabapple or whatever. it was but anyway uh. so i get up i i i get up there um oh in. the morning. oh so mathers is there right and i said. to him i was like he's like i was just. talking i was a huge fan i had signed i. bought an autographed picture of him. when i was a kid i had it on my wall at. home i had a jerry mathers autographed.

picture my wallet that is gross because. his name was theodore and my name. theodore oh that's right so i was just. keyed in right so anyway. uh. i wish this story would end. you were like leave it to sleazer dude. so anyway i'm [ __ ] throwing on your. [ __ ] eggnog. where do you live i said i live in santa. monica he goes i used to get some [ __ ]. in santa monica that's exactly what he. said bro. yes so right there i'm a little shook. i'm excited you know i'm still excited.

that it's him but i'm a little shook. right but anyway in the morning norm's. downstairs we'll have to play in this. poker tournament that's part of the. weekend deal the package. and norm's like man a lot of hot chicks. here hun i'm looking around it's like. nobody's. that nobody's hot in this area right. there hasn't been anybody hot here if. somebody here were hot you would know. about it immediately they'd be on a. calendar they would be on the news yeah. they would be on the news yeah. general yeah that would be on the news. bro.

yeah if a decent strand of jeans pass. through this town the [ __ ] fire. alarms would go off right there has not. been they would be up from the news to a. milk carton in like a week there has not. been a a unique strand of gtac to roll. through this area. in [ __ ]. since [ __ ] what norm was definitely. on pills if he was like looking around. here right ah there's some. tail here yeah so i thought he was. serious right because i don't really.

know him i'm like yeah man there. definitely is and then he goes [ __ ] no. there isn't. and it just shook me. that's that's so him that's amazing. he like baited me into believing that he. yeah and then he [ __ ] pulled the rug. out yeah. did he [ __ ] no there isn't it's so harsh. you never i mean i was one of his good. friends for. a long time i'm talking like 15 years. wow and i still was like. i could kind of gauge but sometimes i.

was like. what is he saying right but he uh he was. out of his. out of this world did he chase a lot of. women did he have a wife or anything no. i never met a wife he has a son dylan. who's really cool so he must have did. sex once at least i mean i never saw he. was addicted he was a big gambler dude. really yeah. and he. he had a bit. he. he always did so many gay jokes but i. never knew him to be gay or anything but. he had a joke he was on letterman.

and uh or no it was conan and he goes. he is promoting his book and he goes. yeah it's not a memoir but uh. and it's just uh it's a book. and he goes uh. you know i don't talk about being deeply. a deeply closeted gay man and conan goes. what you're gay and he goes what. now why'd you say that because we just. said he goes now i'm i'm deeply closeted. and he goes so you're not good he's like. no no i'm straight as an arrow. he goes and then he goes and i'm.

paraphrasing forgive me but he goes you. know deeply closeted means the guy's gay. but he's so gay he won't admit it he. hides it. and uh he's like yeah no i'm straight. [Laughter]. it was such a [ __ ] good bit again i. [ __ ]. uh paraphrased it but it's on youtube. that's funny man yeah he was great. yeah i watched one of his clips and he. was on i think the view did you see that. clip. no when they're trying to get him to. like he's trying to be very realistic. the show's like ultra liberal and he's.

just trying to be just a realist like. yeah that's how he was yeah and they're. like they won't they're like you'll. never be back on this show they're all. joking about it and stuff anyway he. wouldn't because he wasn't like just. kind of conforming to whatever like. i don't know just some ridiculous story. why would they have him on i don't know. that's so weird like he's so not i can. see him doing it like if they offered it. to him but i can't here we go let's get. a little bit of it that uh uh the. democrats don't steal the election from. the uh the winner you know but who knows.

you like george bush i love george bush. man he's a good man decent you know none. of this. [Applause]. and he's uh you know he's not a. a lie or a crook murderer or anything. like that so it'd be good to get the see. i i don't i think we should get the. homicide out of the white house and get. like a a a fresh start because we don't. want any more murderers i think we. should just go on to the next question.

yeah oh clinton he murdered a guy yeah. you know we're not alone you're not. awesome but i have no accusations with. that that's a little too that's the way. it doesn't work. yeah this is not my week what can i tell. you. oh it's not mine either i'm being very. nice okay. [Music]. be a good boy. now norm do you never hear that no. listen we don't need no one to get into. this and i don't want to hear it and. this is not the place to make those. accusations and you're supposed to be.

funny. there you go. this is a live show. but you have been properly chastised by. barbara so i'm not going to ask the next. question i thought it was a matter of. recording. okay let me do this okay. they don't even want to talk about the. fact that maybe the guy murdered. somebody. let's talk football all right. manslaughter.

he's doubling down yeah i don't have. norm doesn't play by rules dude that's. hilarious. you know cash back credit cards it's. becoming a thing of the. past bitcoin that's the future that's. what they're saying. block fi. has the world's first bitcoin rewards. credit card that lets you earn an. unlimited 1.5 percent in bitcoin on all. qualifying purchases. whether you're a crypto pro or a total. beginner you can finally earn bitcoin.

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to get 30 off auras best selling digital. picture frames. i think comedians don't kind of do you. think that there's a thing. like i noticed this the other day i was. driving with a friend of mine and there. was the traffic was all backed up right. right. and i just go around like it's the. interstate. like there's you know 700 cars in line i. just. go to the outside area where it's not a. street you know yeah and just go. and. my friend's like i just think that he's.

a comedian this guy john christen. he's like i think that's just what. comedians do he's like i think you just. see you don't want to do whatever the. conformity is you know. yeah i mean i think that's initially. like how. how it um the genesis of comedy is. going against the grain like when i was. in school. when i was a kid i just would go rogue. to make people laugh. you know so it you're going against the. grain and authority in that sense and.

some you know i think a lot of comedians. even if they don't do it on stage they. you know they kind of go rogue yeah but. i mean that's how i was and that's when. i was in key west. again for a year and a half people were. like. like i'm of the ilk of like if somebody. tells me i can't do something i'll be. like. [ __ ] you yeah so when people are like. well you can't just stay in key west and. i go yeah i can do whatever the [ __ ] i. want and all these people are doing that. i'm like you know you're making it way. worse when you keep telling me that i. can't do that. and i just my family and my friends are.

like so i mean i don't understand so. you're just gonna just stay there and. i'm like if i want to yeah like yeah. [ __ ] you yeah [ __ ] doing whatever. with my life you know i'm not hurting. anybody i'm like just chilling on an. island. do you uh do you. do you think you'll retire there do you. have a retire spot is a retire like a. real thing i mean i might yeah i really. loved it i really really loved it and it. was cool they said a really nice thing. to me because like after a while you. know at first people like nick sports. and the [ __ ] you doing here yeah.

and there was a bar. and they had like a celebrity like wall. of fame. and they had pictures of people who had. been there and i was like oh. i've been in key west for a while i go. hey do you want do you want my picture. and the guy who manages it goes no man i. go what do you mean he goes because. you're just nick you're a friend nick we. don't look at you like actor or comedian. you're just our buddy nick because. everybody kind of thinks that on the. island like you're just nick. and it was like really cool and like. that's why i loved it and like i'd walk. down the street people like hey nick and. i'm like hi.

it's like awesome that's cool man they. have a lot of dogs which i like like. they let bar like dogs in bars. yeah so you could go to like a barn and. be like seven dogs it'd be so exciting. and if you can't even talk to anybody if. somebody's just you can't somebody's. just impossible to talk to you just pet. start petting stuff yeah yeah i knew. people's dog's names more than. sure. which was weird. and is it did you feel me that i feel. like it's just i i heard also there's no. beach there it's not like a good beach. in key west is that true there's not.

a like a great beach there's like one or. two how do you beat key west and not. have a beach though no it is weird and. that's kind of a misconception because i. was the same way i'm like where the [ __ ]. like you can make where's the thing. where's the thigh tied up the big thing. i got to see some [ __ ] hips slam. against each other oh yeah i know what. you're saying man you know that's i. showed up and i'm like. where's that [ __ ] what are them. [ __ ] [ __ ] raps i'm ready to sniff. some [ __ ] bunk out here yeah i want.

to [ __ ] shoot at cumbrilla. just [ __ ] shoot it up and everybody. gathers on the [ __ ] beach. but no it's a it's a lot about going on. the boat that's where like the big thing. is when you go out to sand bars and. there's beaches out there. and so like boating is a big thing. everybody's got a boat and they got a. golf cart so you travel by golf cart oh. i like that which is [ __ ] dope as. [ __ ] and is there a lot of nudism out. there i also hear it's like a nudist. colony is there some of that. no it was not a nudist calling could you.

do it one of my sisters did drugs one. time and climbed up to a nudist colony. on accident she was mountain climbing. with a friend she said she was she was. on drugs but um that's those should not. go together drugs. and they climbed up to some place what. drug was it you know i mean if it's. cocaine you're like oh i didn't i don't. know i couldn't it's like i think it was. a smokeable drug. but not weed so. something. but um she goes uh and she. yeah and she doesn't even tell like a.

funny story she was like we went. climbing and next you know we had to. have lunch at that nudist colony. apparently they got to like uh. some place where they had like some. nudes up there some you know on top of a. mountain or like at a uh. flat area that's along like by mountain. you know what i'm talking about a. prolapsed [ __ ] yeah i mean it could. be i think that's what it's called. damn the old p laps huh. that's [ __ ] weird so did they have to. get naked. uh i don't think so i didn't [ __ ] did. i bet she did she was high on some. [ __ ]. jerry mathers.

[ __ ] [ __ ] dude she was [ __ ] higher. hopefully she had that little front. skunk out you know what i'm saying bro. what is that i don't know this is my. sister can we not talk about this you. [ __ ] brought her up dude you're. [ __ ] drunk you're a drug addict. extreme you're the one who's trying to. lead the country to an island that's not. even an island what do you mean trying i. went to the [ __ ] thing and it is an. island but they built a bridge so people. from miami can [ __ ] od. it's not an island there man it's an.

island dude an island you can't get. there bro unless you meet a man who. [ __ ] runs a smoothie business and has. a boat dude dude now you're man island. ding. it's like mansplaining but it's [ __ ]. why does the man have to take you there. that could be why can't it be a lesbo. i'm sure there's some hearty man dude i. uh. let's see if another video question came. in anything else here we got for nick. see i'm gone two years and now i'm not. in demand anymore oh we got a ton of. them oh look at [ __ ] gary. is this written yo nick to the power of.

two. i just wanted to ask you guys what was. the most influential sports moment you. guys have seen either live or on. television that really got you up out of. your chair got your vocal cords going. for me it was the seattle seahawks. beating the packers. uh in the nfc championship in like. overtime. but they don't win anymore so it's kind. of hard to um i got a little chatty at. the end but seemed like a nice guy thank. you kyle rittenhouse.

kyle's the dude that's gonna like wait. no his name is his name kyle i think so. that guy um it seems like the dude who's. like when you're too drunk at the party. he's like i'm not drinking man i'll take. you home yeah he'll give you a ride he's. like sober cab dude yeah that's a. compliment that's like safe friend dude. yeah let's say friend he's the guy who. would get murdered by somebody. for being a nice guy you know yeah he's. the guy that like oh that guy's got a. flat tire and then they pull over to. help him and then the tire iron just. goes next thing you know.

yes jaws [ __ ] alcatraz yeah next. thing you know you got a flat heart bro. you had a flat heart rate. your brain just ran out of air dude. you got psy dude nobody [ __ ] knows. that i try to flex seal this [ __ ] dude. i just put a cannon on the way here man. did you really i have 50 psi right now. one of my tires that [ __ ] is ready to. bust. oh dude yeah. yeah boy oh to answer your question.

um the last time i lost my mind i was in. oh uh in denver when i was supposed to. do those shows and i was at the bar at. the hotel and i'm watching the vikings. play the saints in the playoffs i'm a. big vikings fan of. minnesota. and uh. they [ __ ] did that crazy catch casey. keenum to stuff on diggs. and i the bar is full and nobody's. watching the game because it's denver so. i'm watching it and i'm like oh my god. and then i i've rarely done this i just.

started screaming and i fell down on my. knees and i put my hands over my head. and i was like oh my god and i started. to tear up and then everybody thought. that i was having like a problem like a. heart attack or like an aneurysm oh yeah. so people were like whoa. whoa man hey hey hey and then the. bartender who i know i've stayed there. for [ __ ] ever and he was like no no. he's from minnesota they just scored. like a crazy [ __ ] play like all time. insane. and everybody's like oh jesus and i was.

like. i just lost my [ __ ] i really lost it. that's one of the biggest i've lost what. about you you're a saints fan aren't you. i can't hear you. my other favorite was against the saints. and kyle rudolph called it a touchdown.

dude. who died. this guy that's a guy in your living. room the next week. and then the vikings blow it so it all. evens up um. i. you know what i was pretty burned that. was one of the worst moments ever as a. saints fan for sure because yeah that. had to be awful i paused the game for. the fourth quarter for like it was later. i think three and a half minutes left. and i stopped the game because i had to. do my podcast because i had to get it.

out for the next day right right so. towards the end of the i figure i'm just. gonna watch into the game when i get. done we're up by 10 you know we're up by. and you guys had the ball so i was like. oh we got this we're going to move on to. the next round. and then my brother called i saw him. kept calling so actually put the call. into the episode. and i was like what's going on he's like. man. you just you're not going to believe. this and we might even maybe put the. clip in if we do it'll be right here but. he's like they did some.

type of play and the angle the defensive. guys had it just and we lost the game. and i'm like how did we [ __ ]. it was impossible when you entered your. dvr and we're like hello darkness my. friend. well we didn't even do a crazy everybody. he just went low and stefan jumped over. him or he should have just gone in full. body yeah he just tried to do like a. little. i think it's called a falcon crest yeah.

and uh. yeah i felt bad for the defenders i did. too that [ __ ] was horrible but the best. player i've ever seen i was there when. kobe scored 81 points i remember um that. was kind of an interesting time that's. the only laker game i've ever been to. actually. and what else dude oh. you know sandler's making a movie about. sean payton kevin james is playing sean. payton i almost i i was just like. he could have gone in for that [ __ ] he. played sean payton's wife or something. my [ __ ] is concubine. i don't know if he is a concubine i.

could have played alvin kamara maybe or. yeah drool breeze if i'd have been in a. freaking wheelchair. what true breezes do no drool breeze. say if drew brees got hit by like a car. or something. oh like an ultimate you're just gonna. change the whole like storyline yeah an. alternate universe there's a guy named. jewel breeze yeah but he still plays i. mean. i mean he's like. they want him to play but he can't you. know but he still does because he's. drool breeze he's like the stephen. hawking of footballers kind of right you.

know he's like left blue 53. 52. and he just has like a t-shirt cannon. instead of like an arm so just like. and it just shoots the ball every place. is a hail mary. that would be a [ __ ] amazing movie. dude we just wrote a [ __ ] hit movie. oh we're good yeah i actually i got. already going i didn't go in i should. have. canceled it probably. you at a podcast. probably. because podcast is in my control it's.

like i like to do stuff that's in my. control you know i actually might start. a podcast really yeah. everybody's just been telling they're. like why don't you do one. and i'm like i don't know because i just. it's hard doing the road and filming so. it'd be nice to just. do a pod did you get plastic surgery. while you were down there no why your. eyes look more like magnetic kind of i. got magnets in my eyes is that what you. mean oh that could have been it yeah. they injected. magnesium really are you a ah. avalon yeah are you an evangelical.

christian correct damn yeah i'm also an. x-men now. yeah. oh you mean you get a you get a. you got the sexual reconstructive. surgery correct. yeah and then also i have magnets in my. eyes. so um if there's somebody's a robot near. me my eyes go right on their dick. or vagines. yeah it's exciting. do you think we'll still have comedy in. the future nick do you think that this. is something that's going to be around. for a while you know you start to see um.

a comedian died the other day this guy. met billin. bilin bylan i think. i don't know matt bailin. what prompted do you think comedy will. be around in the future. yeah i don't know say that when are. people gonna not like laughing well. because here's what's happening robots. well they can they have so much um. [Music]. they can create everything now so it's. like at a certain point you're still. gonna need people when they could just. create a bot of a human you know what.

i'm saying like. comedy bot or what do you mean well like. they're just starting to create like so. anyway this comedian that passed away. matt bilon bylan. uh. balone balloon maybe billing right. i looked the other day i went on. facebook i put matt balloon death right. because i was just trying to find out. what had happened to him i didn't i just. heard. and there were all these articles that. were written but they were written by. bots. so it's like oh that's interesting now. like because some of it didn't make.

sense it would have like some. information and then like a ad for like. zales like written right into the typing. you know what i'm saying right it's. gross. but it's like five of the six things i. even found about him passing away were. written by. bots why don't you just call somebody. that's a comic right i agree but i just. started stand up comic yeah but yeah but. it's just interesting that inform like. bots are writing articles now and some. of the articles. they it was you got the g you under you.

you know it was information without the. information yeah yeah no well that's. like no discount but you got the. information. but that's like thing about instagram. too is like i would. meet people or friends of mine that are. like whatever personalities but i would. look on their instagram and like. they have. 200 000 followers i'm like that's. [ __ ] crazy i didn't know they were. [ __ ] crushing it that hard yeah and. then i would like click on a photo i'm. like oh it's cool photo and there'll be. all these comments i would like click. and i'm like.

but. they would be like hey. awesome picture. have a great day yeah bubble and all. these like comments from like who the. [ __ ] is this and then i'll click on it. and then a couple of my friends i called. out i'm like bro. there's who is zbop zozo z like somebody. yeah. like you're not even using my holes. that's what it'll say something like. that you're like. what that would be amazing if there was. like a system that would sell you like. bot comments but it was just they could.

say whatever they want. yeah i feel like it's a lot of bots out. there i just [ __ ] your mom what do you. think comedy will be like in the future. i mean where do you see it do you think. it'll always be around or do you think. stand-up comedy or it too could you. bought it out stand-up comedy. yeah of course. because there's nothing like seeing a. live show there's just nothing like it. yeah when you see a comic live. you know you don't know what's what's. gonna happen it's [ __ ] awesome but. they what about all those people that. died at that one event recently you see. that thing that travis scott thing.

was he doing stand up no he's just. singing but no yeah that was awful those. people got crushed. i saw a video of like that at a soccer. match in england and it's one of the. worst i wish i could unsee it and it was. a [ __ ] mob pushing against the gate. and it was like a [ __ ] almost like a. cheese grater these people are just. smashed and they all like tons of people. died it was awful oh. that's just so sad that's why i like i. don't wanna have kids dude i don't wanna. send them off to a [ __ ] concert.

and then they're dead what concert will. you take them to what was your first. concert radiohead oh really yeah it was. dope what the hell am i doing here. yeah. god they were good it was at a small. club at prince's club called first. avenue. it's not small but it's like you know. 300 400 people. and uh. they that their new album the best. concert is that now it's not bunkers but. bunkers i went to bunkers a couple weeks. ago. oh yeah you were just there.

but uh yeah and so i saw my buddies you. wanna go see this band radiohead i'm. like do they sing that song creep and. he's like yeah i'm like all right and he. goes yeah they have a new album called. the benz and we went it was [ __ ]. insane yeah and then i was like hooked. on going to concerts that's the thing. about live shows. with comedy like. support like your clubs and go see live. comedy yeah there's nothing like it it's. so fun there's nothing like it there's. nothing like it and you might find a. little [ __ ] diamond in the rough yeah. like i used to bring comics that i. would meet that were funny dates.

that were funny as [ __ ] you know oh yeah. like i had zach galifianakis open for me. i had like a lot of people that you. don't know what you're going to see it's. like a band when you go oh that band's. great and somebody'll be like oh yeah i. wanted to bring you to the concert. like i saw the white stripes you know. there. oh yeah [ __ ] dope. yeah and i was really hyped to con oh. yeah music back then i had two tickets. to the white stripes at the el rays. great venue it's like a third full like. this is just before they broke but i. knew him i was a [ __ ] hip as [ __ ].

dude yeah. and uh i went and it was like it's that. third full wow and i i couldn't even. give the ticket away i'd call people. and then years later my friends would. listen to him and i'm like yeah i had. the ticket i called you yeah you didn't. care and then i [ __ ] took a brick. mushroom in your head you're measuring. your head in your [ __ ] eyes you're. measuring your hair brick to the eye dog. there's a mirror in your head mm-hmm. let's see one more question that came up. man and then we'll get you out oh wow. i just came urine oh help is it.

christmas already. what's the question this guy's doing. well right here see that's what i'm. talking about this cove yo what up nick. and theo it's your boy dan calling from. up here in northern maine. nick i gotta would you rather for you. okay would you rather be able to read. people's mind or would you rather be. able to see into the future. dio appreciate you love you baby gang. gang baby thank you of a north main i. hope to go to bangor sometime uh in in. may that's one of the only states i've. ever been to.

let me answer your questions see into. the future. how far into the future we gotta. work on that. read people's minds. future would kind of freak me out the. mind i could kind of like learn from but. the future i don't know if i want to. know the future yeah because that's. it's like but again how far into the. future so let's [ __ ] work on that. but um i'm gonna go with um. now [ __ ] it i'm gonna go with reading. the future because if you read. somebody's mind you know it couldn't be. like literally sometimes i'll just think.

of weird [ __ ] yeah what if the guy's an. idiot and you're stuck with them forever. or what if what if this whatever you're. but it's only two paragraphs yeah damn. this month it's just like dude what. ah you're called dog yeah. oh dude those guys that's our [ __ ]. job bro those guys. [ __ ] brendan shaw literally looks. like a [ __ ] love seat. [Laughter].

he bought a corvette that's what it. looks like he looks like if white claw. were a person. like the drink white claw. yeah he looks like the abominable white. claw man yeah that's what he looks like. he loves brian and bryan he looks like. paul bunyan's gay little son dude he. looks like paul dudd like he'll [ __ ]. just act here he'll he'll just axe right. through his own butt he'll axe bodies. for you. to death.

all right i got rolo yeah. i think we covered it man so is it safe. to say that you're back in the business. i think so i think i'm back so i'm just. getting it all together right now. [ __ ] sober kai again are you yep how. long you been sober for. [Music]. me months wow congratulations man yeah. well actually you know what we have one. more question since that i know one of. the questions that came in that was good. um. let's get it in here. what's up theo what's up nick this is.

paul from virginia. um. i know both you guys in the past have. struggled with. drugs and alcohol. and. [Music]. myself as well. fell victim to the dark arts recently. and i'm going into. residential rehab. here in a couple days so i was just. curious if you guys had any advice for. someone. trying to achieve. long-term sobriety thanks gang gang.

dang baby. okay i mean do you want to take it or do. you want me to jump in first i think. whatever and. we can also if you i mean i just felt. like this is we could try to just share. anything or experience you. know i mean it's tricky it depends upon. a is it drugs and alcohol. drugs which drug. you know what i mean i've done every. drug you've probably done every drug. yeah i think i have i never smoked crack. i've smoked crack you have yeah i. haven't done heroin i haven't done here. we need i always wanted to smoke crack.

i did it like kind of on accident yeah i. only did it once and i was like oh it's. this and then i was like what and. they're like that's crack and i'm like. why i can't feel my lips you can hear. the trainer coming that's what i hear if. i i just hear it's all aboard dude that. crack train boy i know [ __ ] spray. hound too dude welcome all aboard the. spray hound you will just start i mean i. heard you can't even stop just the ejac. from coming out of you i don't know i. just i did it i just saw an accident. once and i was like i don't. accidental crack.

yeah i was like already kept up and. somebody hand me a pipe it was [ __ ]. glass. and i thought it was [ __ ] there's. some white [ __ ] in it and i'm like oh. what's this thing i want to smoke till. my [ __ ] wife and kids are gone that's. what i want to do i mean yeah why not. but yeah it was a car accident yeah yeah. it was it let's go well now let's take. this seriously but uh yeah yeah i mean. you know it it really depends upon. you and you know i'm not a [ __ ]. doctor but in my experience which is.

kind of what you asked. it's tricky i mean. that's an understatement but you've got. to just really. i had to pull back a lot because i i've. been hospitalized a couple times um for. alcohol. and i had to really get a grip on. what i wanted out of my life and really. take time for myself and you know it. sounds corny but love yourself and. appreciate yourself and the people that. care about you and just look at the big. picture and it's you know. i've seen a lot of people go the.

opposite and. not make it out you really have to. figure out what you want to do i mean do. you. i don't know. that's a really messy answer but. no i think it's a good point that's a. great that's a great answer i think. because that really determines it it's. not up to any invisible power i mean it. could be up to god if you need to find a. higher power to help you. but um. but yeah i think trying to have some. semblance of what your goal is for. yourself because a lot of times i find.

if i'm not if i'm goalless. and i don't have any real intention then. i'm much more likely to fall into the. dark arts really for me you know right. if i'm just letting the world affect me. however and i don't have a plan every. day when i kind of wake up. then of course i'm gonna fall prey to. whatever and there's a lot of dark. forces out there man. you know freaking everything man. yeah anything will pull you in it's. really i mean. in my experience. i. i've gone back and forth with alcohol.

and i've been on podcasts and talked. about it i've been hospitalized and. whatnot and. i finally just had to. find a reason and goals like theo said. where i'm like. you know this is what i want to do you. gotta like care about yourself and stuff. like that and drugs are different so i. don't know what. drugs you're into but in my experience. it was alcohol and drugs drugs just that. just made me feel like [ __ ]. like when i would i did coke you know a. handful of times. you've had the for a handful they have.

yeah a handful many times. but. yeah it's oh i'll eat a squirrel from. the backside on coke dude that stuff. will really my god don't do that. you will start at the back of an animal. sonny and get to know it but you've got. to want to help yourself you really do. like if if you. you know you just reach out seek help if. you need it and. but you really really really it comes. down to you and wanting to. to. get help and get off that [ __ ] man and.

it's easier said than done but i've been. down that road. and sometimes it takes a wake-up call. and i had a couple and sometimes you. [ __ ] don't wake up a lot of my. friends you know i mean you've had. friends who have died i've had. half of the comedian friends i know i. mean it's just. it's just sad. you know especially in the pandemic it's. been a tough time for a lot of people. yeah i think look yeah i mean i find. that 12 step has helped me. you know i remember all different yeah. yeah i'm thinking about going to a place.

in january for a couple weeks just to. even just get i'm not even struggling or. anything right now but just to have some. time for myself to take care of myself. you know i've spent so much time working. as well yeah it's like i've never sat. and thought what's even going on in my. life or what do i want do i want me a. family or something get me a little. armadillo yeah give me a little. armadillo bro something for your arm you. know or armadillo you know. i'm a dylan so yeah get a couple damn. well good luck man and hang in there.

it's a process dude but you just yeah. really. just you can do it yeah you can do it. man here's the thing other people have. done it. so you can definitely do it yeah you'll. meet a lot you'll meet a ton of people. it's you know it's more than you think. of people that have struggled with abuse. so. you know reach out and. yeah be well man yeah good luck man you. got this bro. you got this some residential treatment. um all right man nick schwartzen welcome. back welcome back to the world baby yeah.

good to be back um and we'll put you up. on social so people can find you and all. of that and. and uh. man i'm excited to see you back on stage. and stuff i know i'm interested to see. what's gonna happen i. two years is a long time yeah it is rock. the mic it's awesome though. gang baby gang. [Music].

oh but when i reach. [Music]. a little time. for me to set that parking brake. and let myself on my heart. shine that light on me. i'll sit and tell you my story.

[Music]. [Music]. and now i've been moving way too fast on. the runaway train with a heavy load of. my own.

and these rails that i've been riding on. there. [Music].