Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #195

it is what it is huh that's that's what. it is. today's episode is brought to you by. gray block pizza I would like to. announce some new tour dates the dark. arts tour will be going to some cities. for the first time and returning to some. for some people that weren't able to get. tickets the first time I will be in. Vancouver Seattle Portland Boise San.

Antonio Austin Tulsa Oklahoma City. Sacramento Las Vegas Memphis Atlanta. Louisville Biloxi Sayreville New Jersey. Bethlehem PA Oxon Hill Maryland and. that's that Washington DC area I know. that those shows the previous ones you. know there weren't a lot of tickets. available Cleveland.

Indianapolis Grand Rapids Detroit gonna. go over there and my cousin a longneck. will be out there on that show with me. he'll be making a appearance second. cousin and Milwaukee and Madison. Wisconsin all of those it's the dark. arts towards the same mom you know it's. a set that I've been doing this year and. it involves some but I just want to let. you know what said it is so you know. when you come what to expect and those. tickets are all going on sale this.

Tuesday with that date night Tuesday. April 30th at 10 a.m. local time so. whatever your local time is at 10 at 10. on your clock and 2:00 a.m. when the. sun's out then that's the time then you. can get those tickets you can use the. presale code onward onw ard and those. tickets are only available to our. listeners and to people that follow them.

follow me on some social media platforms. and uh so that means that there for us. first so other people can't get them. other people that's not in our in our. little universe they can't get them yet. and that presale code again is. onward and and the the locales will be. on the websites you can see what. location but those are the cities and. thank you guys so much for your support. you know it's really amazing when I left. the comedy club this weekend in West. Palm Beach the lady came to me last.

night they got a lady manager there and. she came to a hard-working lady and you. came she came to me and she said you. know your fans the the people that come. to your shows are so nice and I say yes. they are. and I said I'm happy to be one of a. member of that group we were just we're. trying our best that's what I told her. all right today's guest is a young guy. who I really admire and who honestly is. I don't know if there's any there's only.

a couple people that make me laugh. harder and I think he's really just one. of the sweetest guys that I know and he. has a big heart I mean the guy probably. has nine aortas and unfortunately three. of them have been eaten Taco Bell and. haven't been sleeping much he's he just. got off set filming a film with David. Spade and and I'm happy to be able to. spend time with him today ladies and. gentlemen mr. Nick Swardson.

[Music]. there's a woman who I know there is a. anymore these lies about I don't know. man yeah strapless dactyl son but she.

looks legit. welcome to strap ganna stand baby saying. I got to and if you want them the right. next door I'm gonna get Michael Rapaport. to gum from under this [ __ ] table. dude gonna be pissed. let him get pissed bro in his mansion. dude what he can't buy is to mother. [ __ ] belt baby graduation let's take.

on the roads guest starring starring. Nick Swardson Theo von. very nice there will be the HK you know. what I'm saying. give it a the Hong Kong what is it HK. I'm sorry okay there's something do a. guest spot later boy bye guys. bless your hearts bless your heart.

thanks for coming in did that Velvets. [ __ ] up. huh that's really heavy Wow shit's legit. Oh. hefty got some girth on it huh yeah. that's some [ __ ] girth of a nation we.

put them on blasts we just how can what. you call oh yeah read annoyed bro I. can't even believe those guys are and. were they I don't were they lovers or.

what was their deal originally I can't. remember how they first got into the. game yeah I don't know how that link. happened did but it's somebody's got to. get to the bottom and top of it figure. out which ones which reel and no joke. brother sexual tension in there was I. mean you could cut it with just a piece. of string it was very easy to cut yeah. you could cut it with a string but the. string has balls on it. how [ __ ] thick it was and it seemed.

like there was I don't know something I. it was just very alarming in there it. was fun watching Brennan try to remember. words it's good it was cool when you. watch his mind work it's it's like like. a baby elephant like falling to earth. and like just kind of looking around and. trying to just pick up what other humans. are doing yeah it's a fun process it is. people often liken it to watching like a. D like a deer take its first steps yeah.

for sure you know but forever yeah and. the deer already worked out to get ready. for and it still can't walk yeah like it. already did three thousand push-ups and. I was like I'm gonna [ __ ] walk and it. just fails just fart I saw him and he's. just misguided too he I saw him doing. curls one time before a spelling. you know it's like yeah that's that's. bad dude it doesn't work he doesn't. realize that he just he over juices dude. Oh Brian doesn't help cuz he sees the. opposite yeah where Brian works down.

yeah he tries to take his push-ups away. yeah he doing negatives good and brian's. lost a lot of weight in the past years. almost 30% of his body weight yeah he. lost he removed several bones oh yeah. yeah just look kind of thin out a little. bit ever since that last moon landing. you know he just hadn't been the same no. and then he modelled his face after it. saw the moon is like I gotta get that. permanently on my face Nicolas Wharton. is here today man sup good to see you.

good you just made a movie you just made. a movie you were the lead in is that. right I made a talkie I was a co-lead to. my boy David Spade so yeah that was fun. we shot in Hawaii and I got a great tan. as you can tell he's still gay you have. a little bit of team a little bit of. color but not that you know I had to. stay out of the Sun that's not yes yes I. just had a son and I work out well. people were people were starting to yell. racial slur I mean you got pretty. bronzed didn't you yeah it got really. ugly man ya know the director was like. seriously said he had to stay I had to.

stay out of the Sun so it wouldn't match. other shots and I thought that that. meant stay out of the Sun and the gym. yeah just combined to them I like that. yeah it was good yeah you know David's. appeared at all. you know I've recently got to know him. over the past year very unique guy yeah. he kind of keeps himself away he kind of. a lot of people like I was with him. somewhere and people thought he was. Macaulay Culkin and I thought that that. was uh that was kind of an interesting. moment in his career yeah that's pretty. interesting that or now or in the future.

they're like a-you Macaulay Culkin and. fifty years ago. well Macaulay's age not well have you. seen him recently I do a bit on stage. about it because I was on my computer. and a pop-up thing happened it was like. celebrities that look like [ __ ] and they. had Macaulay Culkin yeah showed a. picture of him and you know what I mean. he's like 30 or something whatever the. [ __ ] it was but then they reference a.

picture of him from home alone and I was. like what. can't reference that they're like that. look at him that now look what he. [ __ ] looks like I'm like yeah the. dude was nine whoo how do you reference. that you can't reference that again sup. what life has done to people in 30. [ __ ] years yeah unless you yeah yeah. how do you do that man it's like on you. can't keep up with yourself you can't. always look like you're nine no you can. try yeah or if I look like I was nine I. would just I would be like just hit me. with a brick or some steak me out.

because something's gone horribly wrong. well you know they busted a guy and this. was in Indiana or it was probably just. Indiana cuz that yeah that's a lot of. [ __ ] off there but yeah sorry they. busted a guy there he was a adult and he. had like a some deficiency or something. and he was going to school at a middle. school and he was 31 years old right. right what's going on you hear something. here yeah I am it is cool it's like a. hype thing oats wrestling it's Joe Rogan.

is it what we're next door in there in. the back of all of our heads of America. right now we're in I wouldn't be. surprised if Rogan did implant a chip. and I I know I'm just secretly just like. what's up man is high-fiving the chip in. your [ __ ] hand he just watches over. and it's [ __ ] Icicle but he just sits. in nude yeah I'm [ __ ] 40 different. stimulants just with third eye v i7 eyes. just [ __ ] you oh he dropped the.

[ __ ] shock where the other day I was. walking behind him and a chakra fell. right out of his pocket oh my god and. I'd pick it up and give it to him dude I. have different times yeah I caught him. in the bathroom and his body was full on. from the movie cocoon when it was all. gold and shiny and you have to like look. away yeah he was like oh what the [ __ ]. dude. and he just floated away through the. wall oh wait that's right yeah I saw him. eating owl nuggets bro straight owl oh.

dude hundred percent pure owl nuggets. eating him out of a [ __ ] bag uncooked. that's what he does man I saw him the. other day he was back to his comedy. start eating ferret sashimi oh yeah dude. I was like what that's not even a food. he I killed it with a crayon. yeah what the [ __ ] dude he had a [ __ ]. quart a fresh quarter Moonglow bro. oh my yeah just iridescent off the. [ __ ] moon bro yeah non liquid based. he told me like dude no rules that guy I.

saw him take a grenade that had was just. filled with soil and just swallowed it. and [ __ ] detonated it and it was just. here soil from Egypt yeah I don't even. know if they have soil and it just. detonated and then all of a sudden it's. ab workout yeah his whole abs were like. perfect and then I [ __ ] a golden cat. ran out of his ass where was that. locally dude that was our in the middle. of the 405 freeway yeah I was not so he.

does some of his best work on the 405. yeah no he's ledge wait who was from oh. I suck the Cystic Fibrosis right out of. a kid once oh my god he's a healer too. oh my god that makes sense dude yeah he. spit it right out of a window man it was. [ __ ] sexy too dude yeah that's sick. and just went out into the ether it's. just traveling went right into Cowan. yeah tell absorbs I feel like every kind. of disease and ailment and he processes.

it and just lets it emit he's a liver. he's basically the liver. he's like Keith Richards and like a. pirate from like an old pirate that's. done some [ __ ] dirty [ __ ] yeah like a. part that's still out there sailing yeah. like milling around the harbour in st. Petersburg just oh I think a Brian. Collins real name was John John dis. we're like that's too gnarly but you.

know what's amazing is how many diseases. he's that he has and beats at the same. time yeah you know it's impressive I. mean he's coming on 300 years old dude. somebody said he has HD IV what is that. it's like thanks for though whatever it. is it's extra heavy AIDS bro you know. and no offense to anybody that is a ya. know if anybody else a it's that sucks. dude hang in there [ __ ] that. hang in there you know man is a. basketball team dude you know live your. dream yeah dreaming. McKey Mertzon man you just say yeah you.

just did a movie with Spade so is that. yeah it was real was a real thing. do you enjoy like is that like your cuz. you don't do like a lot of televideo. MIDI central show a couple years ago and. you do a lot just from films now I've. done a lot of movies but I always. develop TV so the one show I sold was my. show up for 10 time so you can find on. itunes and like youtube and stuff but. it's hard to find and then I I always. develop a show every year and it's just. hard to sell so people don't realize.

they just think it's easy so people are. like oh why don't you do another show. and I'm every year I try to sell a new. show and then you know people just don't. get it so it's like I'd ever every year. I develop a Shum pitching a new show. coming up the next couple of weeks and. you know it's just hard to get back on. because my brain is so [ __ ] weird bad. yeah excuse me that's how I pitch my. show you have a lot of bile it looks. like and you look like somebody that's. bow hey oh dude I'm the [ __ ] River by.

going right through no ma'am yeah. [ __ ] book I'll daddy they call them. that says bile daddy or just have a show. called boiling out yeah and it's just me. regurgitating [ __ ] bile do that so. worse by the way for you guys who drink. out there guys and girls mm-hmm you know. I mean that's. I'm always do the bile but barf [ __ ]. rough dude when you get [ __ ] after it. that's especially when you're going on a. [ __ ] bender yeah and then you have.

like [ __ ] bile and you just it's like. [ __ ] alien my boys are nasty you know. Simon ah be a good friend of ours we. always trade war stories of [ __ ]. partying and stuff of the by those of. you know now are you just like it's like. [ __ ] alien where the thing is like. and that's you though and you're coming. through your own something that's just. and it's just [ __ ] sucks and that. aftertaste bro it tastes like [ __ ]. Cancun in 1996 like did I [ __ ] do a.

Valvoline shot last night [ __ ] did that. have Natalie Holloway at this bro bro. yeah it's [ __ ] burn after reading do. that but I feel like with partying it's. like I always like I'm trying to live up. to old times in my life like I can never. get to that level again as to when I was. like just off you know just [ __ ] up. babysitting animals [ __ ] living on my. friend's couch I just [ __ ] doing life. oh yeah I can't I mean people think that.

I party all the time I don't I don't. really do drugs at all and I never was. really a big drug guy and but I was a. big drinker but I go through I haven't. drank in like two months. oh well yeah so it's like I detox I eat. really good and [ __ ] like that but it's. like healthier than I've ever seen your. eyes look bluer than ever yeah I'm alive. I'm [ __ ] alive dog yeah but there's a. lot of chat rooms you're not alive in a. lot of there's a lot of like Reddit. feeds where you have been deceased for a. while over yeah now I've clocked out. I've clocked out a couple of times now. it's funny because people s thing about.

social media like I'll post pictures. because I like I'll go out to bars have. fun drink with people fans I mean I have. a blast when I'm like out and about and. like getting after hmm you know I mean. and then people take photos and we'll. have fun and laugh and [ __ ] and then. I'll post photos me like clearly having. fun and then paper like you look like. [ __ ] Gargamel's [ __ ] you know what. I mean like so I'm like well which guy. do you want. you know I'm clearly smiling and having. a good time why are you taking me down a. notch I didn't get married and have five.

kids and live in a [ __ ] tundra and. yeah our Judge Judy on the [ __ ]. social media. [ __ ] you I'm [ __ ] 42 years old. dressed like I'm 13 I don't give a [ __ ]. I don't give it I can't drink my [ __ ]. fake tits off and bro would you ever get. fake tits and fill one with a mixer and. one with boots. oh dude if I make it to 70 the wheels. are coming off dude and then wheels are. coming on I'm taking my legs off getting.

[ __ ] souped up wheels with rims 32. that's how I go around yeah I'm gonna. just [ __ ] gut it get after it just. straight from your Cossacks into some 32. yeah [ __ ] roll do. yeah go hard bro if you make it to seven. I just feel like 80 that's even pushing. it but it's like if you can do that I. mean I think you should just go for it. you know 80 is kind of loitering you. know what I'm saying like at 80 nobody's. like oh yeah grant like it's 70 people. are still engaging with ya you can still. do [ __ ] when you're some I don't know.

what ages so I don't know what so who's. 70 yeah I mean an example of 70 yeah who. say who's 80 right now Clint Eastwood's. 84 I think [ __ ] so let's say you make it. like 90 but we don't even do they live. that long now I feel like you can die. from eating like Lunchables [ __ ]. crazy like oh yeah I had too many. Doritos he died like 43 like it [ __ ]. just takes you out there's no plagues. anymore that's the slow there should be. like a Dateline for just complete. [ __ ] ways that people died you know.

people were wondering what was up with. Nathaniel right and there's a spin at. his house for two days he just choked on. a Cool Ranch to read you know yeah they. have a show like that's called the. thousand ways to die oh really yeah it's. how people died or how they wanna die. it's how people did die like weird ways. that people did die how do you die Nick. Swardson how do you die we ask a lot of. our guests I'd hear a lot of people. wouldn't have guessed or we have just. [ __ ] that pass through um how would. I die I don't know maybe I would want to.

like I'd want to go out you know what I. mean like I'm you know I would want to. like crowd-surf and my 90's you know to. mean that like a [ __ ] Creed reunion. oh yeah yeah and they're singing like. can you take me higher and I'm 90 I can. barely [ __ ] do it I've to take the. wheels off my body yeah and then just. have them throw me and then at while I'm. in the air I'd shoot heroin in my eyes I. see something a little bit more engaging.

for you though man I'm just let it rip. man I feel like I see you driving like a. party bus of [ __ ] youngsters that are. out for their first prom you know and. there is and all they have is a little. bit of bush light but you [ __ ] just. just limply leave a [ __ ] sack of. cocaine back there for the [ __ ] baby. yeah or just you know like. passive-aggressively right like like. roll the window down in this. like Burton like it flew in the window. right and so then the party gets [ __ ]. buck you know you have to bring other.

people into my [ __ ] demos so this is. how I'm dying that's how you die so then. all right well there cardi and brother. going hard and you start to get a little. bit jealous cuz you're just a driver. dude you know I'm saying you're just. cruising a group of people overdo it. shitty [ __ ] almost closed. TJ ribs right and you're cruising over. there and finally you can't take it. anymore you pull over onto the side of. the interstate you know and you start. partying with them doing beer bongs but. beer bongs all of them the big hitters. you know right it's really showing off.

you know some people are scared of us. hope you are still engaged but. thankfully you guys are in a zone where. their phones don't quite work right. right if you were supposed to pull like. over all the way outside of a tunnel but. you stayed in the tunnel a little bit. cuz you guys are in New Jersey and next. thing you know bro you guys know this. make sense you guys are living high on. the [ __ ] hog and like some boy and. girl are both losing their virginity and. you know in part and things that didn't. even know was going on dude right and. finally a [ __ ] semi truck carrying.

fresh meats and produce just [ __ ]. grills you guys throw and since all yell. to heaven as a group okay I like the end. we're all just unified and then do what. does my heaven body go back to like how. I look now like I got like I'm at a prom. and [ __ ] ki everybody it looks like. yeah look at her Sherpa three flights of.

stairs Indian [ __ ] that's perfect. I kind of like that my side death was a. bit I read that went viral that was. amazing about the trapeze artist with. diarrhea yeah that'd be a good way to go. out to just get up there just crush like. three days of tea bail. yeah and then maybe a [ __ ] then have. like a peanutbutter broccoli smoothie. important an omelet oh that are old.

rotten oh yeah and then chug that but. then also lay in a hot like soak in a. sauna for a little bits here bodies. reals. you know yeah it's so there's Rhett to. go yeah you have 2% chance of holding. ins a [ __ ] warm pot of D yeah and. then just some [ __ ] scalding Ovaltine. oh crap I grab the [ __ ] trail please. [ __ ] bar I look at a picture of Bryan. Callen and I'm ready to go I set it off.

yeah on the world stage. New Year's Eve New Year's Eve and candy. goes down there with her mouth open. Kathy Griffin's reporting and then it's. just game on so that's another option. there's a lot of options I realized this. reason I wanted to run this by oh yeah. so Theo and I we're friends were all. friends Callen everybody shop blah blah. all others crew you know and we all. roast each other to each other's faces.

via text yeah. Tim Instagram all those social media we. have a blast and then I found this I. realized this long time ago I remember I. was a kid I would I was a small kid yeah. and so I always overcompensated by being. like weird and like goofy and I'm making. fun of people that's how I just got. along and I would get beat up and you. know as I got older it was almost like a. superpower where I would just inherently. just like rip on people and get laughs. but I didn't know how to control it so. it like kind of mean as a kid yeah and.

so I just make fun of people and then as. I got older the point being is that now. like when we roast each other I'm so in. that like mindset so when I go home for. like Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving. there with my family I'm still on roast. mode they don't realize so I'll just. start lighting people up and Kathy uncle. Jeff no one's safe at the dinner table. yeah and no one's ready for it. everyone's I'm gonna soda like all right. how was your day I'm like how was your. [ __ ] day look at your [ __ ] hair. and that one's like what and I just I. always feel bad they're like I saved.

enough to get my hair done I sold I sold. my photo album for me 400 years to buy. this those shoes and then it's just I. don't know do you experience that where. I just I can't turn it off my brain is. so [ __ ]. really I did I just do it all the time. and then so I did this on other people's. and they really help you bail out of. this shitty. on topic you let us into no I think this. is a good topic it's [ __ ] real - are. we able to turn off being funny well no. just like so I go on other people's.

instagrams and I'll just start roasting. on your good attitude man you're some of. the lines you say are good so I did this. recently yeah my friend Kevin Love good. buddy money to pay for timbrels and from. Minnesota I don't know his Instagram and. he posted a photo of him at the beach. he's like flexing you know he's you know. is in shape I said the beach is happy. and I go you look like a bird that needs. to take a [ __ ]. and I commented got all these people. like el bruh [ __ ] you who the [ __ ] you.

[ __ ] you don't mean go wolves yeah and. I'm just like I just you know I. I know cabinets bussing is Wally. Szczerbiak til I die but some [ __ ]. yeah but people just get I don't know. you don't you don't experience that I. don't they can't especially in this day. and age and get love standing like a. Bertha has taken [ __ ] now like that's a. great row so just I was just bored and. sought cab and I was like I'll drop him. a line yeah I'm gonna give any friends. at the beach you look like the guy who. [ __ ] killed Natalie Holloway right. there I mean there's nobody there's like.

one set of footprints going into this. Sandra this is [ __ ] your and Vander's. what I mean I love you so it's just. funny how people get so sensitive Sally. it's sensitive out there well I know. like even uh you know III had dinner. with your friend David Spade not long. ago right when he got back from y'all's. movie okay and he said that he had. commented on Kate Beckinsale's. did everybody gets to do a [ __ ] storm. [ __ ] Whitney like tweeted so she got. into a [ __ ] storm but David I commented.

on Kate Beckinsale's Instagram and it. made the [ __ ] news what world are we. living into this shit's making the news. D'Elia come Albuquerque it's on the. Albuquerque news I've been to. Albuquerque there's a lot of other [ __ ]. that should be on the news Albuquerque. [ __ ] phone book of [ __ ] crimes. there look if there were four car. museums would have much of an industry. let's be honest dude beautiful people. though they're a lot of buried treasure.

there that's a big thing a lot of. treasures I mean my family now. yeah I have nothing it's Albuquerque New. Mexico I like Santa Fe Santa Fe is nice. though but Albuquerque's basically Reno. in a nice hat. I mean Reno is the kind of place I would. give blood never take blood. you know I think you have an option. really you're going to take blood I was. on my last tour I did I went to Reno and. my bus pulled up to the casino and it. was like 2:00 in the afternoon and I. this is my hand to god I'm not joking I.

got a tour bus to him I turn manager I. go hey I'm gonna get a bite and I like. walking I like just telling him chill. dude so I'm walking down the street. trying to find a place to eat this is. broad daylight and the eight to ten. people I saw in the street I was afraid. of really in the middle of the day and I. had a panic attack I was like oh look at. [ __ ] alright look at there's Rick. over there is stuff to no good everybody. just look like they were like how much. is that guy's eyes type of look like oh. just I was just fodder dude it was like.

walking dead [ __ ] and I just beelined it. into some [ __ ] random OS something. died its Harambee country bro it seemed. like a lot of people they're [ __ ]. killing monkeys you know that's like. [ __ ] Temple of Doom [ __ ] where. they're just taking a dude's head with a. spoon a little hammer and just and just. [ __ ] nectar brain nectar a lot of. people just [ __ ] snuffleupagus over. there bro and I was on Reno 9-1-1.

[Laughter]. if there's any missing children right. here I should run for mayor but yeah. that [ __ ] got crazy man and then they. barked at him that lady barked at him. you know I know it's funny I don't know. it's just funny but yeah it's weird it's. like where can you be funny these days I. just say whatever the [ __ ] yeah I mean.

it's just funny to me people this saying. it's just like - I don't know let's just. try to move forward with like not taking. shits so like oh my god. but don't you repeat that the people. that do all that all that shit's like. disappearing brothers people's turning. in a straight Muppets you know like. nobody gives a [ __ ] about any of that. people just want to laugh and. a good time people are kind of getting. tired of it yeah well there's a reality. to it and you can't sustain like it's. just it's too much you know I mean you.

can't be that like you just sanitized. were just like all right you can't do. CPU no you can't do CPR on somebody in a. restaurant anymore why cause if you hurt. him too many lawsuits coming back the. other way so I was at a place the other. day. because I was at a place in New Orleans. a while back and somebody got CPR right. and I loved that kind of [ __ ] dude. you're in the room you have a [ __ ]. lighter yeah you got four [ __ ] fresh. crab appetizers rolling on the table. dude and so he might die [ __ ] 11 feet. away from you bro it's like the UFC and.

vogue and uh you know it's like the UFC. goes to Key West you know I'm saying. it's a [ __ ] exotic moment it's. exciting so this lady was you know. someone going well and her husband I. could tell in a beat heartbeat the. husband wasn't really interested in. saving her you know right he's like. what's going on he kept asked her like. six times and she you know I'm not good. at charades but I can obviously tell. what somebody keeps pointing at their. throat and not being able to breathe em. pointing it like shrimp on the table and. then pointing in their mouth he's like.

what do you want you want me to order. something else you know he's like I. could just throw it out he's like he's. like future like like scapegoat whatever. just things that would make it seem like. he no dessert no dessert just trying to. [ __ ] buy his way out of it with the. game what do you mean I'm the problem. like he just started saying he's getting. into a fake argument. yeah that would hold up in court you. know yeah so then this dude if one guy. was pretty jacked up on some uppers bra. and he worked there at the place dude.

and he was kind of like Italian but not. really Italian but just had done like so. much like probably like lean type of. drugs that lean you out and gotten so. much bad Sun that he looked Italian you. know yeah the kind of guy who looked. like he [ __ ] tried to buy like owned. a dolphin once I get it like in a in a. timeshare or something you know like a. dude that's been you know doing. basically doing cocaine a lot he rolls. over brah and he [ __ ]. he first of all this is craziest thing. I've ever seen he's gonna do the.

Heimlich he starts to kind of do it he. can't really get a grip on the lady. takes. sure oh my god that is Oh bro he had and. I'm not joking a huge Linda Ronstadt on. his back right which is something you. don't see that much no you don't you. don't you've never seen it and pull up a. picture of Linda Ronstadt mine it's. beautiful young oh there she was kind of. a thicker uh Tiffany basically of her. time she was like a thick Cyndi Lauper. you know and let's get a picture over in.

this well younger you have anything. younger this is basically right before. death there you go that's titty time. Ronstadt right there they used to call. her that boy which direction is the. North bro you know saying I'm a boss I. bet moss grows on the side of those. [ __ ] bro you know saying those things. are husky you got our haircut on a set. of spinal tap definitely dude so she got. her hair cut by a Slap Chop bro she. looks oh my god but anyway this dude who. takes his shirt off right so no dude I.

can't eat if some guy who's high on. drugs has his shirt off in the room and. I swallow yeah it's like a it's like a. reflux that I have so he starts going in. on this lady and the shrimp eventually. shoots out and bro 9 minutes later. they're having dessert it's crazy how. quickly you forget that you were just. about to die right right but now I go. back here this a year later I'm there at. this place Pascal's Manali down there in. New Orleans and I said yeah I said dude. I remember the last time we were here. you guys had the little you know it's.

kind of like Vegas and they do a little. show out front you know right I was like. you guys had that choking you know and. uh and he said yeah we can't do CPR. anymore because it's just too dangerous. so somebody's dying you just have to. like be there for you just clap I guess. try to like cheer him on and like at. least go like go go oh yeah more more. more animals just keep him more food. faster faster faster. I wonder if that guy was a deal breaker. fill er up take it to the top it's like.

[ __ ] food Jenga yeah just keep. putting it in her mouth in pinata yeah. good lord there's a shooter open with a. rifle that's perfect but that shirt do. you definitely had to have something to. do with it. well you could tell it's hard to you. know humming I think in. shirt in the man was reeling so I think. he was getting he was getting lost. inside of the shirt I like that he. committed to it. oh dude he went on he went hard man and. after that he had to go take a break he. said he'd been through too much for that. night and clocked out good lord what.

it's like I'm breakable yeah just like a. hero amongst us. well that's eating in New Orleans man I. mean all just [ __ ] crazy bro you know. it's crazy I spent a lot of time that. I'm not welcome back I don't think but. and what happened you get an argument. with somebody about a recipe now I got. in a fight about I got a football. argument online and and that was people. got a little upset at me was that after. the Minnesota miracle or not before it. um it was after the Minnesota miracle or. no no it was after the Saints of that. call where they got robbed that pass.

interference no call yeah and I made. some side comment and we got a question. about it it's semi related to getting in. Tiff's about sports okay this guy said. okay just living in those room. what up do what up Nik Gang Gang what. uh-uh. I got a question I basically got this. guy and a [ __ ] broken cheek for. wearing a Pittsburgh pirate hat repping. them Stiller's Pittsburgh I mean but a.

question is Nick I know you talk a lot. of [ __ ] about the Minnesota sports when. your roller blading down Reno living in. those Randy Moss colpepper days but uh. my question is have you ever been hit or. someone tried to fight you for talking. [ __ ] about sports or something and same. for you Thea what about them Saints yeah. oh and by the way I don't live here is. where I work just to clarify cuz I know. it looks like [ __ ] no man it looks fun. dude I'm sorry that's why ya turn into a.

black eye it looks like dude that's yeah. yeah dude right there yeah that was that. was a shiner dude yeah that was a. [ __ ] pop um I have other questions. about that was it a sucker punch or was. it [ __ ] face to face where this dude. came in stealth that looks like sucker. punch that looks like it's a black that. looks like I've ever seen hits burger. maker. guy dodge it came back catch yeah yeah. yeah that Punxsutawney Phil hit him with. that [ __ ] surprise gopher do that oh. look Don. mingi how are you to answer your.

question I have I being for a Minnesota. we're a little bit more docile very. docile so I don't really get in. fisticuffs when I'm out and about I. don't really talk [ __ ] and I know that. sounds like a [ __ ] move in person yeah. I mean like all talk [ __ ] and then I'll. be like okay I'll buy you a beer you. know what I mean I mean not to say that. I you know fighting is just I'm not. gonna not gonna get into that shit's I'm. on camera this is the [ __ ] the Brad.

Pitt right here oh yeah ant of fart. jokes yeah no but I I just it's not at. that point like worth where I'm gonna go. into blows you know I mean I like just. popping off but it's like you know to me. Minnesota we don't like escalate it that. much. now what state does escalate it I think. every other one yeah every other state. you know I'll say this to you Minnesota. is the one place where I feel like I. have the toughest time with audiences. there they're just they almost don't. want to engage too much they're almost. just being nice in a lot of ways like. like they're loving the show I feel like.

but they just sometimes they don't want. to go to outside with her with. imaginations cuz it's just I don't know. they kind of just stay in some zones I. feel it depends upon the crowd that you. get but for the most part they're. they're always with you they're good. crowds they get it you can kind of. challenge them I mean I'm not my comedy. is always just me but like other comics. that like really push that they've. always done well like Doug Stanhope. always has a great fan base and. following there and you know he pushes. his audience I've seen it for since I. started you know for 20-plus years yeah.

and you know there's certain comics. where that's their thing and you know. Minnesota crowds like they welcome that. stuff I mean it does push like certain. people you can tell they're like oh. alright that was okay mister I tell ya. nah no yes snickerdoodles for you bucko. or you take all right but uh yeah so to. answer your question I haven't really. gotten into like blows and stuff but I. mean I did go to an Eagles game and. there are a couple games I've gone to.

where I was like I mean I went to an. Eagles game with like a bunch of my. buddies from Philly but like that like. that matters yeah but I did see I go to. Eagles stadium for the first time. it's called but wouldn't say you go Sam. you know I'm talking about the nest I. think they call it yeah and so I go and. I walk in and I see this Philly Eagles. fan Lincoln field and let's lamp is. active this guy's at the field his hats. like this he's probably 30 but he looks.

like he's 15 and it sounds like this. guy's cigarette in the stadium might be. David Akers and might be David. so he's chewing out this is nice Ram for. the play in the Rams not a rival this is. early in the season this guy's in the. students face in a Rams Jersey the guy. polite quiet and skies like 4k Rams will. [ __ ] you for [ __ ] breakfast. [ __ ] watch just Ennis toots grill and. this guy is just polite just taking it.

and thus out that's the first thing I. saw us okay here we go yeah and you know. I don't know it was pretty interesting. do you think that they are because I'm. alone with the Philly one night does the. first timer when took a place called. Manny onk and I ended up in an attic. somebody said it was a nightclub it was. just some guy's attic you know who had. some [ __ ] hot electronics right and. every between every song of Nelly that. they would play they would play the. Philadelphia Eagles fight song and then. like they kept saying who wants to [ __ ]. these slammed pigs and it was like some. kind of you know rubenesque type of.

young you know women you know right of. age women legal women but who were. trying to just do sex with everybody and. it was extremely alarming to me man I. felt very scared and this was supposed. to be out of fun at a night time at a. nightclub you know right uh Philly is. the conundrum I have a great shows there. my fan base there is awesome everybody's. so cool yeah been great to me but it is. one of those places where like I you've. got to just know and go out with people. yeah I mean I've had friends in from. Philly out in Philly and this is my.

favorite thing and I don't know many. places like this with like I'll be like. yeah what's up now again Nick what's. going on right now we'll do a shot [ __ ]. [ __ ] and really it's my buddies from. feeling like well part of Philly. and if you're from like some other part. that's like right outside yeah or maybe. outside but not in part of like and look. what are you fighting a fart of this. [ __ ] guy yeah like I want to do a. show in Philly just called this [ __ ]. guy. there's all my friends from Philly. anytime somebody says something that. they don't like or approve of they're. like [ __ ] this [ __ ] guy yeah what.

is [ __ ] what is [ __ ] pay. you're not from Philly like minutes. study could be like I'm from the border. and the [ __ ] under a lake. five hours outside of Minnesota yeah. baby like oh yeah I know where that is. yeah really like the [ __ ] way I know. that [ __ ] black the [ __ ] out of [ __ ]. out of here you [ __ ] leper. it's [ __ ] leper yeah everybody yeah. Philly everybody's mother has a [ __ ]. neck tat everybody's you know got a neck. brace that's a new hot thing on a lot of. these chicks out there too [ __ ] sexy.

do you know the neck brace with a. leopard print you know dude I was about. Philly man if you go up by Broad Street. up by Temple University yeah it's a. little nicer okay yeah and I saw a bird. up there [ __ ] selling coke one time. dude I'm not even joking they had a crow. and it had a little bag of [ __ ] rocks. hooked to its own I know I've seen that. dude I was [ __ ] in Philly one time. and I saw cops surrounding a birdhouse.

and I was a bird crack house and they. had guns drawn and everything dude there. was [ __ ] five Birds in there just. flipping yay nice you're just making it. [ __ ] rain yeah but Phil I mean I like. Philly I have a blast I mean I go out. and [ __ ] trying dude yeah like New. Orleans I love I was bummed because. people got mad at me but I it's funny. cuz I sided with that call so I like. made some joke about like yeah okay. Vikings wobbling on people like [ __ ] you. and they're like me better not come back.

Normans yeah not one oh I was like. whatever bro I've [ __ ] go to New. Orleans I love it and I agreed with the. call you get the state's got [ __ ] rod. I'm a sports fan like I'm logical like. when I see something I'm like okay if. somebody wins and they play good I give. it up to I'm not one was [ __ ]. delusional [ __ ] loons yeah that's. just blind and it's like no [ __ ] you I'm. like no you guys got robbed the Saints. got rod that wasn't money that's what. I'm most insane no calls I've ever seen. in my life yeah do you think of the. league in some weird way had it out for.

him you think that was just the way it. shut down I don't know again that's the. craziest thing I've ever seen. yeah I mean if that's he'll except for. the. Minnesota miracle was also the craziest. thing the way that the guy just sort of. even when you watch her back on tape. great play for Minnesota and they. deserved that they deserved and no doubt. but even you watching Mike on tape it's. like it was like 2 percent chance of. whatever body movement or whatever. happened in that moment I've watched it. 5 million times yeah here it is right. here that's my boy Case Keenum what it.

started Diggs obviously I mean I I don't. know play really if you look at it now. there's been a lot better plays have you. seen that got a Damian Lillard hit that. three-point of the other that was no. that was last night yeah way better. here it is I don't think well the. defender didn't realize where the ball. was so he didn't realize Diggs was gonna. jump like that so you can see it right. here right so he thought he was going in. right at his waist which would've been a. legit all right he didn't realize the. ball was in here his head was down so he. didn't realize so I felt bad for that.

dude right away yeah I was things went. bad after that I think some of those. things happen with his family it's been. a tough time for that dude so yeah see. like somebody that I don't pile on a guy. like that I don't like robbing and I was. hat ecstatic you Devils looking for that. guy poor guy open up its the police now. I'm just joking it to me I'm just. busting in a moun episode here dude nick. nick swardson his wild isn't he can you. imagine him on a trapeze I can't but God. I really really would love to see it I. mean I would go see that Barnum and.

Bailey and straight [ __ ] circus all. day long today's episode is brought to. you by Bud elegance now we have a man. coming on the podcast today who. everybody knows that he's really if any. adult should still be wearing a diaper. that's non senior citizen it's this. tricky pasty bad boy himself and that. boy I'm talking about is Nicolas. Swardson and this dude I mean you want. to talk about diarrhea this guy really. is a jean-claude van diarrhea you know.

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10 Theo von 1 0 th EO vo n that's the. number one the number zero Theo von. that's 10% off and free shipping using. 10 diovan for bead elegance B ID eleg. ance at amazon.com get that fresh bottom. hitter what about B ever would you ever. run a bar it seemed like you would open. one I wouldn't want to open a bar for my. whole life. and what's the name give a name up for.

yet this past weekend really yeah the. bar big Nick's dick shop as you call it. it's a shop yeah dude I want to pitch a. show to you and I want to see if you'd. be on it with me okay it's called. gravity hunters okay. okay I'm intrigued you and me okay go. around in a van looking for gravity. okay it's gravity a rapper no it's hot.

no it's not a black person dude calm. down. I just said rapper oh sorry we had a. girl named gravity Jackson at our school. when I was growing up but this I went to. your school that's why was reference no. it's an actual gravity actual force to. pull a force onto on land I guess nature. but that's the thing is it we heard a. rumor that it isn't I don't know let's. have some Ryan Bosworth.

hey buzz it seems like so since you. retired you you got into some crazy. stuff you come on the bunny ranch okay. and that's another episode of weekend at. Bosworth um yeah I'll [ __ ] I'll [ __ ]. find some gravity what would we do when. we find it well that's the thing man you. don't know oh sit so it's kind of a. silly idea I guess but no I like it. don't get down on yourself we'll do it.

we'll do it on the Lifetime network yeah. yeah where's the life network for men. first of all I don't know it's a good. question remember how good TV shows used. to be on lifetime any channel how would. a heaven remember that just the 10 of us. yeah. all of that eight eight eight Mile House. yeah oh just the 10 of us yeah it was. one man nine kids bro. wife gave up on him left him with nine. [ __ ] kids man what what when was that.

what era was a 1980s man ladies what was. his show was there a show that you ever. got like pinched for that you bailed on. I don't know what I mean see you ever. got picked for you wanted a bet that you. like paused on no I didn't pass on any. shows but I was really picky with TVs. all the sitcoms were so [ __ ] corny. yeah. and so I I was up for a handful of shows. ever I read four Dawson's Creek back in. the day for the role of Pacey oh yeah.

but I was like youngish. but I read for that it would have been a. totally different show though huh. it would have been way different dukes I. was on roller skates dude I met that guy. when I was a University of Arizona I met. that guy it seems corner of them he was. like at a bar was like one of the first. like celebrities I'd ever seen except. Michael Lannon like allegedly came in. like I caught fire in our town one time. but um this was like one of the first. letter he's ever seen he was at a bar. and all the like chicks were in knew him.

and stuff like that and I was just. jealous and I called him like I went. outside my friends and called him like a. [ __ ] and then laughs that's cool yeah I. was kind of yeah I'm gonna feel bad. about it now he's just a guy at a bar. you know I was just jealous yeah I can. tell your Twitter you're like picking at. your fingernails like you just still. remember that memory no shell want to go. back I wish I could haymaker at his dead. what so a [ __ ] scrotal haymaker ha ha.

yeah I was up for a [ __ ] a bunch that. 70s show they were developing the show. and I was up for Ash and Cooter's part. no yeah I was in the mix for that dude. and then what and I was [ __ ] arrested. development too. really yeah but I was in the mix for a. handful of things but do you you were. the thing so these were the things you. only went out for that you really want. like it we're into at least whenever you. see the scripts cuz people must send you. stuff all the time people send me [ __ ]. yeah I don't yeah I don't really look at. a lot of stuff summer I just don't. I wanna I'm at the point I've been this.

way luckily for a while but I'm a writer. too so I just want to create my own. stuff I have my own voice I my own [ __ ]. you know what I mean would you ever do. some real ass [ __ ] I'll do some realized. [ __ ] like a gravity show yeah yeah yeah. actually yeah I'd [ __ ] with gravity what. about something kind of like a rural. type of uh you know kind of a No Country. for Old Men sort of meets Sanford and. Son whites though hmm that's interesting. so it's no country for Bryan Callen yeah.

yeah I go you said old man ya know I. would do whatever I just want to do. something like that's interesting do you. want to still though do you think you. solve the energy for cuz sometimes it's. like do you have the bandwidth to do. that or do you just like kind of touring. once in a while I like you know. I kind of want a TV show just as I can. stay at home it's like traveling I'm you. know I guess up 42 I've done this 22. years Wow. over 22 and uh you know I just like want. to kind of stay home I can't like I.

don't know how you are but these tours I. look at [ __ ] you know our friends. like Sebastian D'Elia all these dudes. Brian Regan all these guys that like. [ __ ] two or Gaffigan these guys go I. see them on Instagram and they're. [ __ ] yeah I'm going back just tour. dates where I'm like what enough [ __ ]. the area yeah that's what it gives me it. gives me bile reah yeah but you know I. just don't know how like that's just.

insane and it's so much but you know. they crush it and I just for me I don't. know if I could do that so I'm trying to. I try to find that balance of like pop. out to a movie and then like hoping I. get another TV show the new movie was it. is it pretty good can you tell it's good. when you're doing it ya know it's funny. the cast is great this girl Lauren. lapkus yeah she's funny hilarious she's. a plays opposite Spade he plays more. like the straight man and she's a. brilliant but the whole cast there's so. many good people rob shiners in it he's. hilarious so like you can tell and they.

let us improvise and obviously no David. Wells so we work well off each other but. I was like pale and like gained weight. for the part I look like a [ __ ]. Michelin like miss Farley huh oh dude. yeah swing-and-a-miss Farley broke good. oh let's get into some questions you. have something came in for Nicholas mhm. hey Theo hey Nick this is John from. Cleveland Ohio that's good I got a. question for Nick yo he's constantly. talking about diarrhea and farting is.

there any story behind that any crazy a. childhood memory of [ __ ] yourself or. fartin thanks guys Gang Gang in game. brother um alright to answer that. question cuz you do bring it up a lot. I'll be like one time you told me. someone should farting your butt which. was the craziest thing I've ever heard. of my life Rowan no joke one of the. funniest things that because it seems so. impossible. yeah that's not possible it seems like. really next level but here's the thing. about it to answer your question because.

people I've heard that before but like. people. mad Lagoon thought it was some a party. tutorial like yet [ __ ] grow up like. you're still talking about this here's. the [ __ ] point I'm in on the joke I. know it's stupid here's the annoys me. about people something oh it's [ __ ]. stupid yeah I know it's [ __ ] stupid. that's why I'm laughing about it I did a. joke early on way back in the day car. about my cat it's diarrhea hmm I took. him to the vet and the vets like what. have you been feeding him and I'm like. diarrhea and that's like way back in.

there and it made me laugh because it. was so stupid and so then I just started. like I would have like diarrhea jokes. and then I made it a thing when I was. like every special when I have a joke. about diarrhea yeah every joke I wanna I. mean every special when I like a fart. joke and it's only like few and far. between my last special on Netflix which. is on comics of the world I do like I'll. [ __ ] your pants story but so I'm doing. it as a joke to like it just makes me. laugh and then the people that get it. they know like I'm clearly just doing it. because it's so over the top like my. couple specials ago was called seriously.

who farted mm-hmm it was just solely for. the [ __ ] I'm just bracing out immature. and dumb it is because I just want. people to have to say that and then I. read a review of my special and some guy. goes I love this special it's one of my. favorites the only annoying thing is I. have to keep telling people with the. title so they're like what made you. laugh so he's like I saw this thing is. called seriously who farted and then I. just I laugh at people having to say. that and I'm like I'm the off-chance. never get nominated for something some. old crusty dudes gotta be up there like. and the specials are seriously who. farted and like so if you're of that.

mindset then it makes it hopefully that. makes you laugh because you know that. I'm know that it's [ __ ] stupid. I see see your head what am I gonna talk. about like I'm not yeah political we. might talk politics yeah I think of a. [ __ ] everybody's diarrhea if you're. [ __ ] Republican or Democrat yeah you. [ __ ] rock at the D Reed oh dude. you're on [ __ ] Lake Deary dude gay or. straight black white asian you know. everybody rock it's the d-r-e. dude I think I've never Jiri splatted.

dude in a brother one time I was in the. urinal in the stall you know doing what. I do right number two it yeah and this. they had a brother in there and he beat. on the wall at one point he's like he. was on the phone of course and he beat. on the wall at one point is like hey. don't let me get. courtesy flush you know and I'd never. heard that apparently in the black. community you get that courtesy flush. yeah. no courtesy flush is good mine's just. straight peppermint splatty oh wow. that's green Wow vile right that's vile.

did you get this from traveling do the. worse is Airport bathroom Oh when you. have splatter from all over the world oh. you've got a [ __ ] Universal [ __ ]. stench from everybody traveling from oh. it's a Unabomber I said it's him in the. basic gray brother [ __ ] people think. about me meeting from all over the world. and putting all their diary in the same. pipe yeah it's a it's a [ __ ] whole.

new world well you know some people say. that God farted humanity to Adam and Eve. into the universe that's what they say. sometimes yeah I I believe it uh uh yeah. I don't know who said that but I think. it was in The Truman Show I'm not sure. I'll look it up I think it was yeah. let's take another call that came in. here for Nicholas I'm just a quick. question what does the Adam Sandler. smell like because those might be the.

Dark Arts gang gang Oh gang man so yeah. what does Adam Sandler what does he wear. a cologne is he tall what is he like he. wears [ __ ] Gatorade oh I can see that. yeah he plays basketball the time he. just douses himself he's played a lot of. Hoops. he does play a lot of Hoops man he's. deceivingly athletic oh he's really. athletic he's got a really good fadeaway. jump shot he surprises the [ __ ] out of. people dude he's like the mess he's like. the white master P yeah exactly.

and Master a yeah after a Rea they call. him but yeah so but it's stressful. playing with him because he plays. [ __ ] all the time so we're filming he. likes to take a break and play hoop but. then we're filming so it's like if you. [ __ ] hurt him I've given him some. [ __ ] knots he gets pissed [ __ ]. grill he doesn't get pissed but it's. like you know it's on camera shoot. around it yeah Zoe. you know it's just everyone's scared to. like really play hard defense on them. yeah because if you roll his ankle yeah. there is. I own this game is this a dan Patrick.

yes dan Patrick oh god it's him Patrick. any good I've never played with Dan. looks like a real [ __ ] out there dude. look what it look what he's doing. yeah look it out I'm draining it. draining what he means an employer way. man hoarder Roy's was on that dog yeah. this is look at Dan brick this is Alex. why guys in pants shooting out in a. parking lot called a New England. basketball okay. middle-aged to old New England. basketball what do you guys on that guy. all day what's something you miss a lot. about growing up and I miss about I miss.

growing up all the time I miss being a. kid um I miss yeah I miss my [ __ ]. paper route dude I would [ __ ] I mean I. could still a blonde it you were like. Chris Elliot I was like paperboy dude. number that show Chris hell you did with. the paper route. get a life amazing good I don't know I. miss saw I just miss not giving a [ __ ]. dude I miss summer nights I miss just. like I miss like going out like staying. up late was like a big thing yeah when. you would be like you'd have a slumber. party noon your buddies and even wait.

and it would be like 10 or 11 o'clock at. night and you [ __ ] go you wouldn't. even know what to do yeah this is what. like me and my friends were in sixth. grade rhythm summer party and this is. kind of [ __ ] rug we didn't know what. we were doing movie we knew that we'd. was a thing but we didn't have access to. it or what the [ __ ] how to get it right. went sixth grade so we rolled up T and. we rolled up tea and coffee filters that. look like joints yeah we went out and. broke into a golf course that was a big. thing. oh yeah we're on the putting green and.

stuff T and then we people thought they. felt it but nobody felt [ __ ] oh yeah. some was all Earl great up everybody's. [ __ ] camera music oh we had this guy. named Jeff saavy AK and he had a gas. leak at his house right but we didn't. know so we'd go over there and sleep for. no joke 30 hours doobie fall asleep on. Friday wake up on [ __ ] Sunday right. because they had a CMO leak or whatever. it is. carbon monoxide carbon dioxide so we get.

over there do it and like bro you go. through the kitchen his mom would be. like asleep making a [ __ ] salad bro. like we didn't know what was going on I. thought the family was all on drugs on. pills you know whatever inadvertently. on early ludes right so then we came out. and uh and we were all excited about. that brown fram that's what you got in. Louisiana it was just [ __ ] gutter. somebody [ __ ] grew it in their ass. bro you know and [ __ ] let it ferment.

under their nuts bro so people would. always say yeah I got some weed but. really like you didn't have any and then. you got to like nighttime people like. break out your [ __ ] weed man she'd. have to get something fake so of course. we got a reg you know that's what. everybody got like yeah yeah looked like. weed then we'd roll it up got him [ __ ]. okay and then come back in and like. everybody just pretend they were high. cuz nobody would admit that it was right. and we want to miss them and they were. just smoking some booty moths yeah yeah. just roof rifling up some booty Moss.

booty mo yeah I know I was trying to. explain to somebody that we would get. weed off the train tracks yeah we would. go and then it would just grow wild and. we would just sit there and pick leaves. and dry them out and it was like barely. a high but we thought we were [ __ ]. full - oh yeah we weren't doing [ __ ] my. first weekend up at I went to University. of Minnesota actually my [ __ ] my first. weekend there we were at a bus stop. waiting to go back to the st. Paul. campus and a homeless guy was talking to. us and we were all wasting [ __ ] and he.

sold his shrooms and I buddies come up. the next weekend and we sat there and we. ate him and the guy just told us like. portobellos or something I don't know. for 70 bucks 70 bucks for a quad I. thought I had the best deal ever my. friends who drove up we're pissed do. that that's how [ __ ] went down yeah but. we're throwing up people would always. scare me with fake [ __ ] it was wheels. get look [ __ ] I dealt drugs for a. little while oh yeah yeah I dealt drugs. for 40 minutes but when I [ __ ] got so. I couldn't handle the pressure ro if I. can call the cops on myself I did one.

deal and then I got in trouble with some. kids mom and you lived on the edge bro I. can't believe you shared that holy [ __ ]. you there's gonna be cops on the way. over here right now yeah what would you. get this dude out it he just get out of. the jail holy [ __ ] hardcore II yeah he. just uh they just he just closed down a. Cheesecake Factory. come on chef. yeah that's a real hard this guys. [ __ ] dealing dude your drummer at. Chuck E Cheese holy [ __ ].

damn dude I know man I seem like a guy. that threat or really uh he actually he. just worked a double at the Disney Store. earlier so he's holy [ __ ] G got 86 from. a juice bar. holy thank you go back to Jamba Juice. bro bro that guy used to work he got he. used to work at one of those. build-a-bears trouble for toughen up to. fat dude this dude's on the edge dude. holy [ __ ].

God you a farmer a pottery bondage and. it's [ __ ] throwing [ __ ] hay out of. your [ __ ] pubes. wow man yeah you've been using heavy. glaze over that Color Me Mine bro or. what's been going on. back off the kiln your little twink dude. get the [ __ ] out you give out any size. at lady Foot Locker oh no I don't even. know what that means. that guy wears a size four [ __ ]. woman's shoe bro Sweden you're good.

here's what I'm saying bro is this we. would come back in from Britannia. Morocco. so we Dowe now we're all inside having a. Bert in we're high even though each one. of us knows we're not right and we had. this one guy between us he was not the. brightest dude brothers do name Joffrey. right and so first of all if you live in. the south in a simple town don't give. your son a crazy name okay yeah because. people always will call him they call. them racial slurs all the time you know. they'd be like Oh Joffrey that [ __ ].

[ __ ] or [ __ ] you know or they do. something like that out and I'm not. saying those things and my listeners. know that you know but I'm telling a. story yeah and so anyway yah we all come. back in and we're like I'm like my. buddies I can't even see right he's just. standing on the porch pretending you. can't find his way back into the house. Joffrey doesn't know how to be hi goes. into their kitchen breaks a [ __ ]. mirror with his [ __ ] head oh my god.

it's not even a high thing I know he. didn't it was like. bro and it wasn't even weed and that's. when I knew something was [ __ ] wrong. with that dude. yeah that's often yeah that's back in. the day when we die I don't yeah that's. a smoked oregano more like but we're all. like okay it wasn't even weed yeah he's. like I'm so [ __ ] I pop open you up. and say yes you press relax guy with a.

small dick obviously calm down. dude yeah Joffre dude where is he now. oh who knows maybe who knows he won't. return any about texts I've tried to. reach out to him all right well pray so. but uh yeah I was the opposite I mean. when I got introduced to like other [ __ ]. like we got [ __ ] popped off I remember. somebody offered me up for 20 this shows. and Denver doing Red Rocks which was. dope and somebody offered me mushrooms. and I can't do that stuff anymore but I. did back in the day so I took I do your.

mushroom story my buddy's brother went. to school in Colorado came back to. Minnesota need a garbage bag small. garbage bag of mushrooms that were Rogue. rogue from the [ __ ] manure oh yeah a. bison [ __ ] those are the hard hitters. nothing that's what Rogan [ __ ] eats. like cereal now oh geez wakes up like. [ __ ] Wheaties yeah that's just Dookie. shroom just goes into his [ __ ] a. thigh and his neck or whatever Oh. somebody said he had a couple of calf. blood earlier they saw him sitting on.

the side of the [ __ ] interstate yeah. he drinks oh like that. he's got spanked he's out with his calf. blood like fancy [ __ ] cow goes Moo. [ __ ] oh just as somebody said they did. that they saw him just crushing up. t-cells and [ __ ] snorting lines oh. yeah dude [ __ ] man Wow guy so we started. just taking handfuls of mushrooms and. working like 15 and I think we tallied. that we eaten about 5 to 6 grams and we. were like gonna go to a movie where my. friend's car we're starting it likes.

high as [ __ ] and I was like I should. have forgot my wallet I mean which is. like a big deal oh it's huge it's best. when you're tripping right they take. everything our high schools I don't have. any money. yeah so it was in my house I did go back. and I started to get high and I go and. like sneak into my room and take my. wallet and. I go to pee really quick so my mom. doesn't hear me and I pee and then all. of a sudden I start realizing everybody. knows this from like when you do [ __ ]. like that it's kicking in everybody. knows the kick in where you're like and. here we so I try to sneak out my mom.

goes Nicolas and I'm like she was really. doing aegyo. forgot my wallet that's what I said I. probably said yeah. who knows so she goes hey come here I go. into her room and she's sitting on her. bed oh this is not a joke I still. remembers she had neon snowflakes all. over her [ __ ] body in her face so she. goes Nicolas I'm like she was what what. are you doing and I got I have my wallet. I forgot it and I start laughing you.

know that hi laughs especially like on. mushrooms where it's just you're like. you might as well be in a haunted house. it's just like so she's like what the. [ __ ]. so I'm not telling her I'm on [ __ ]. Dukey [ __ ] yeah Hazuki Boomers they. call Dookie boomers yeah so she goes. what's so funny and I go I hurt I go I. heard the funniest joke and I'm just. laughing which apparently it had to have. been the funniest joke ever written in. the history of human race because I was. laughing like [ __ ] Jekyll buddy when.

they're laughing I heard the funniest. joke and then doesn't tell him what now. she goes what was it and I go I have no. idea then I threw myself under my own. bus and then I just panicked and just. walked away she's confused but she's a. Minnesota woman she had no idea what was. going on but yeah that was my mushroom. first mushroom experience dude I got so. [ __ ] up one time out on buddy's house. dude uh and he was [ __ ] up dude he had. to go lay in the back bro and at one.

point he was told us take my skin off. I'm gonna beat the [ __ ] out like bro. we're not doing good you know yeah and. uh and then I went out in my car for. some reason took all my clothes off in. the back of my car and I was and I had. like a Ford Escort it was a hatchback. two-door and someone had stole my. passenger seat right so what yeah. yeah yeah dude and I try to get out.

through the front like by pushing the. seat up the seat hits the horn it's the. middle of the night my buddy's mom's. driveway some he comes running out bro. he is also completely [ __ ] naked row. and we got naked in separate places and. then met up together naked that's how. good those mushrooms were these weren't. those [ __ ] keep your clothes on fungi. you know what I'm saying so we meet up.

dude he's like he's trying to be all. quiet even meanwhile there's a horn. going of our car I had a couple of. brothers with me right and this woman. brothers were kind of novice in like you. know society a little bit a little bit. more when I was growing up so I'm on. mushrooms I didn't tell anybody you know. and I got to my black friends this guy. named Mike Tyson everybody called him. booboo Tyson cuz his brother tried to.

burn down the house and his leg got all. cooked one of his legs and then there's. something guy named Chris Jones who was. real quiet but he would let me drive him. around he would go [ __ ] chicks you know. so anyway I decided I was like oh we. pulled her from the side of the highway. to smoke some weed and I was already so. [ __ ] up off these mushrooms and so. then we're about to leave and I tell. them that the car will start right even. though it will you know I know this you. notice I keep pretending like it won't. start so now dude it's middle of the.

night bro darkest [ __ ] they're out. looking under the hood bro there's no. lights or anything anywhere there's no. way to see anything [ __ ] looking. under the car I keep saying [ __ ] fix. it man we got to get the [ __ ] out of. here tearing at it like it's a [ __ ]. Rubik's Cube like no idea like [ __ ] dark.

I must have lost two pounds in [ __ ]. water weight out of my body from crying. laughing I just. making him give back out and try to fix. it oh my god man I feel bad man what uh. but it was fun man I told him later what. had happened I felt bad about it but how. long did you wait until you told him. probably 15 years that's a good question. that's a good question. cuz that's yeah what were you like in.

school I was a [ __ ] nightmare. were you oh my god was terrible I was. like really smart kid but I just didn't. give a [ __ ] yes the cool seemed a little. ridiculous to me I like being friends. with like the sick lady dude I would get. a boner and go into the office and tell. him that I was sick and I'm just. pointing my boner audience. 15:16 you know what did you see - it's a. nice you would give me ice should put. ice in your piece you see I said her no. no she would give me two bag if you. little pack not a little pack I mean two.

bags there's a [ __ ] help you give you. half a cube yeah she cut it happens like. you that's [ __ ] weird I got expelled. from school for four times I got. expelled this is true story what. happened to you man you see Mike I don't. know I was [ __ ] people are like think. that but I was [ __ ] reckless - yeah. my friends were all they I had some. hardcore friends and my good Trent. Reznor what the [ __ ] did you - yeah I.

was [ __ ] Trevor your friends man do. we were stealing cars and she were like. 14 friends and gangs and [ __ ] oh oh but. I got expelled for point fire alarms we. could go smoke a cigarette yeah but it. was like a 3,000 compound school mm-hmm. so dude empty out the whole [ __ ]. school just so we could rip butts and we. go back in yeah I got pinched twice then. I smoked a blunt in school so I went to. the auditorium me and my buddies slide. up a fat blind and this is the era when. like Cypress Hill came out at the Eagles.

game on dude. so we light up a blunt cops kick in the. door we get handcuffed we get like filed. out in front of everybody - so this job. it like serious [ __ ] crazy. yeah like what they do trying but I got. court-ordered rehab after that real and. then I got a I got [ __ ] I put a sign. on a substitute teachers butt. and I got thrown out for that too [ __ ]. so sorry. oh we were [ __ ] rug we stole a car.

what kind of car was it we it was cold. out so we were just we had a screwdriver. and we would [ __ ] Jimmy cars yeah and. now we stole it and now my buddy goes. look in the glove compartment see if. there's anything open the glove. compartment and there was a [ __ ]. rosary and a Bible and an ID card it was. a priests car and I was like get me the. [ __ ] out of this car my buddy's like. dude chill I could get me the [ __ ] out. of here. so I mean diarrhea so me and my me and. my other buddy Josh sounds like a real.

winner Josh was cool nice cool he was. yeah he was Catholic no so he freaked. out and I was really religious but I was. religious enough I was like get me on. his stolen priests car we got out my. buddies take it go joyriding bleep they. get [ __ ] pulled over but I'll [ __ ]. Jew beat up they went [ __ ] down. really yeah they got clipped I never got. Pitt always like knew what I was doing. yeah you know what I mean like yeah I. had the wherewithal my buddies set up. the other day I did a show Minnesota and.

he came to the show and he told me it. was like did he always like had another. sense of like this is going bad yeah. yeah yeah one time some cops told us to. follow him to the police station we were. under arrest right my buddy's driving. and another buddies in the passenger. seat I'm in the backseat at a stoplight. I'm like hey guys I'm I'm out. i'm just gonna jet and like what the. [ __ ] dude we're like following the cop. right you're like what the [ __ ] dude. we're gonna we're gonna get arrested. that's like yeah I'm not you know I'm.

I'm gonna just walk up I was like my. homie I'm Niall I'm just gonna kind of. slip out casually when you guys leave. this stop like nothing I did and they. [ __ ] went and got arrested yeah I. guess it sometimes just just wherewithal. like oh this is not gonna go well right. here on mouth yeah I did this this is my. claim of like serious get out. senses I've told this story before on. some [ __ ] but uh I'll just tell it real. quick. so me my buddies had a posse and we. lived in this neighborhood in st. Paul. and there was a abandoned house across.

the alley from my buddy's place so we. went in this house and had a party we're. like 14 abandoned or for lease it was. abandoned okay. like it but somebody bought it but it. was like it's big old house yeah right. off the train tracks oh yeah so we gonna. have a party we're sitting at chicks got. booze he got smokes so one of my buddies. he was just rogue his parents like. weren't around yeah you know both UPS. drivers yeah yeah the yeah they're both. [ __ ] packages oh yeah oh he were in.

the middle of party we're all buzzed he. takes a [ __ ] Molotov cocktail. we were defacing spray-painting. everything this guy goes Star Wars rogue. one takes it throws it fire we all dip. out we run our crew go across the I to. my friend's house and we're like holy. [ __ ] and we crash in the household. we [ __ ] the next day wake up it's on. the news there's cops all over the. neighborhood. everywhere somebody calls us to like. from another house they're like dude. there's cops all over the place we're.

looking out the windows there's like 30. cops surrounding it like we find out. that there's there everywhere. so my buddy's like let's just chill here. and I go no we gotta get the [ __ ] out of. here they're gonna find us because we. they know that we're like the. neighborhood ruffians yeah yeah so I'm. like we got to get out of here they're. like no stay here and I go no so I go to. him we're all starter jackets and chains. and yeah so I go [ __ ] this I got you. have a collared shirt and goes yeah I. put on his dad's like shorts i cinch him. put on a collared shirt I got his you're. down of a tennis racket and he goes yeah. take the tennis racket fix my hair walk.

out the back of my tennis racket walk. down the alley there's like five cops at. the end of the alley watching me and I. go hey what's up officer and they're. like glaring at me and they're like hey. what's going on. city bus pulls up I jump on it so I go. back to my house I'm like holy [ __ ]. I found out after the fact cops busted. in and clipped all my privates. 15 minutes later or 20 minutes whatever. it was a little bit later they [ __ ]. had narrowed it down that it was our.

house they didn't see me coming out of. the house I wasn't like that but I just. walking on now with my tennis racket and. they all got [ __ ] yeah you look. nailed I love how you look so normal. these local cops yeah they're like who's. this complete tennis you know tennis. court and then just playing tennis on. the train tracks I'm just hitting. against a moving train like [ __ ] a. vertullo. just [ __ ] getting after it dear. they're like the students [ __ ] gonna. go to Wimbledon yeah you can play tennis.

anywhere but at it I've survived some. [ __ ] it seemed like you've been through. a lot man too much that's why it settled. on diarrhea farting even it out but I. like it man I gotta feed my your nice. guy I do too man we're gonna shut it. down I think huh Vic we've been through. a lot. yeah I think we got a lot of covered. anything less from you guys Jionni or. Nick no just a big fan work worked at. Acme for a year and Oh sick yes was I. around when you were there no you did.

never pop in drunk or anything uh you. did like two shows one one night before. you started a tour okay I was like 2014. is pretty late okay word yeah that's all. I got did I want to do like an eastbound. and down type of show be fun uh yeah. [ __ ] yeah called gravity yeah gravity. hunters gravity hunters Oh anyway yeah. are you sticking around that's what it's. called. oh I like that punchline yeah it's good.

walk em Nick at the end of your cards. apps that's the dark arts Nick Swardson. man thanks for coming and hanging out. yeah I do thanks for having me always. [ __ ] yeah. [Music]. oh but when I reach that round I'll. share this piece of my background I can. feel it in my bones.

but it's gonna take. little town for me to set that parking. brake can let myself. [Music]. [Music]. [Music].