Howie Mandel | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #355

hey guys i want to apologize for not. having a solo episode this week um. just been dealing with some stuff and. have uh. doing some work too so just been a lot. of different things on the plate at this. moment um but i love you guys and i'm so. fortunate to have today's guest in um. this guy has been entertaining humans. and animals even. i mean heck the guy's been an animal. and even. and entertained humans as an animal. he's done it in animation um.

real life flesh and bone. verbal audio visual this guy. done it all he's done it for decades now. um. you you know him probably most recently. from america's got talent i know him at. one point he was my boss. and uh and i'm so grateful to have. uh the hilarious the timeless. comedian. mr howie.

[Music]. i'll sit mandela tell you my stories. [Music]. [Applause].

yeah i just wonder like because i. remember when i was a kid sometimes if. we get if we did something bad then. um we would come downstairs we would try. to get my mom to let us watch tv that. was the big thing. and it was you're not allowed to watch. tv as a kid no not if i was if we were. bad. that's what they held from you tv yeah. yeah wow. wow. yeah they held that tv and it was the. main you know we had i think. this tv was probably it was a pretty. tiny tv maybe 14 inches you know it was.

one of those size doesn't matter which. you had to get yeah you had to get close. to it you know you had to get real close. so right so anyway um we had it we'd. come down and like perform for my mom so. that she would let us. dance for tv time yeah. and that's so that's like uh like von's. got talent yeah yeah it was kind of like. vaughan's got talent you know it was. like the vaughan and instead of a. million dollars or a show in vegas you. just get to watch a show on a 14-inch. tv yeah and it was usually like uh yeah.

a lot of times it was um you know bob. saget show with that. full house full house or um you would. dance to watch full house. yeah when i look back on it i think i. should have just you know i should have. danced for something better sometimes it. was honestly the one with john walsh the. missing p you know where the people go. yeah the most one america's. most wanted. right. which actually actually ended up. catching people yeah that tv show oh. yeah i still watch that i like that and. i like cops i liked all those.

the mike's open key. um sorry it's okay. is somebody was that somebody breathing. yeah just nick so i just was going to. try to give him the clothes out was that. nick you're breathing yeah i had the. speaker way too loud in there. but why is it probably way too loud no. it's not even your voice it's just i was. starting we were talking. no but i was talking then i heard heavy. breathing and i thought oh my god your. fan base for this pie is really enjoys. like this is i've been on a lot of. podcasts but i've never heard the.

enjoyment of the audience coming through. you know he's just like. thanks nick they're separate audio. tracks sometimes they remove it. sometimes it's an extra layer i don't. know yes oh you don't know it's so like. this may have been removed in. post-production before it went out yeah. so then i come off like an [ __ ]. talking about breathing that only i. heard but now i'm gonna keep it in. well no if you keep it out then you can. cut out this part too but this is. hilarious yeah i think at this point he.

got a free he got a groupon for a lamaze. course too that he's using his like kind. of uh. to meet women i love that that's a great. way to meet women yeah and you're not. seeing them at their at their best have. you ever been with a a pregnant woman. still i don't know no no you would know. you wouldn't know oh then no no i. haven't been with like somebody that's. passed like probably a week or two. oh okay i don't think anyway. not in my lifetime. i have but it was my wife.

but i'm talking about like sex in the. third trimester no oh my god. what you do is you don't want to hurt. the baby right so you don't want to lie. on top you don't want her to lie on top. of you what we used to do is just butter. the table. and then lie her on the table and i just. grab the ankles and then slide her back. and forth and that way there's no. pressure on her abdomen. or you know that's an emerald lagasse. method too i feel like i feel like he. that has like a lot of.

pow yeah is that what he says. right i forgot thank you bam yeah what. did you turn on now nick that's there's. a humming noise that's the elevator. that's the elevator yeah that's just a. rent-ish it's just why we pay a low rent. do the people at home here that hear. that there's a lot of background noises. that i'm hearing and a lot going on in. here um the people well a lot of it is. the part of the elevator i don't mind is. it's a lot of senior citizens going to. get. checked out.

is this a medical building we're in yes. medical are you [ __ ] kidding me. what is this this is not like an. infectious disease scenario no it's not. what kind of doctor are we right next to. that's a mental health that's all that's. okay lots of lots of dads coming alone. and women coming with kids and then they. meet and go to meetings oh mediators uh. yeah it's a divorce well that's. different than a medical building. there's divorce and there was. pornography for a bit down the hall i. had pornography down the hall we didn't. but somebody did with nick's breathing. he could almost have it.

um. but you could hear some some you could. hear i couldn't tell if it was argue. like contractual arguments through the. wall or what it was you know but you. could hear. a bit of. tussling kind of when i i don't know. that people know this but i i did years. ago i i did the movie gremlins and i'm. gizmo oh yeah yeah. that's gizmo yeah but you know i had to. audition to get that and i auditioned in. a building in burbank not unlike this.

building here and i didn't know that it. was a medical building and the casting. person had rented an office in the. medical building. so i was going for the audition for. gremlins and it wasn't just. me to play gizmos and all that. all the all that but as i went up the. stairs all i heard is a woman's voice. going oh. oh. ow. ow. that's all i heard and i thought oh. she's going to get the part. and then. i uh it was so is right next to an obgyn.

some gynecologist and she was having a. procedure i assumed she was having a. procedure yeah maybe she wasn't maybe. she's just a complainer sitting in the. waiting room yeah yelling out. yeah but uh and then i i got the part i. went into the wrong office i went into. gynecology no i did but then they said. no next door because i was the only guy. i went you're going to i couldn't beat. that she's going out and i'm going come. on. did you uh did you practice that voice.

before you when or did you kind of just. go on the fly no i didn't practice. that's the only voice i do you know. people i think we talked about that. before i do i was. it was part of my act i was. 11 years old and i was at a birthday. party and i was choking on a piece of. cake and you know when it goes halfway. down your throat and then you can't. dislodge it i think there was something. in there and. you know when someone's tough. so i was gonna help me help. help me. help me and they were doing that they. were laughing i'm saying help me.

and you're laughing everybody at the. party was laughing i'm going i can't. breathe. there's something halfway down my throat. please help me. and and they were laughing that sounds. like what i heard through the wall with. the pornography group actually that. exact quote really. that exactly. there's something halfway down my throat. and then and then i dislodged it and and. but when i went home my memory was the. trauma of almost choking and dying but. more importantly what stood over that. was everybody at the party was looking. at me and laughing at me and i thought.

oh my god if i could just bring myself. this close to death each and every night. i could be an entertainer i could be in. show business i could so i practiced. without my. uh without cake so you know you can do. it it's just like you take the nipple of. a balloon you know when you blow up a. balloon and you stretch a balloon. so that's not my voice i'm not i'm not. talking like no it's not doing that if. you close your throats.

this is a really bad asmr yeah wow but. it's good the weird thing is there's. some star trek fan out there probably. getting erect right now. so i now i i did that voice and that. became part of my act and then uh i did. i got a job on a show called muppet. babies oh and i'm i'm skeeter. i'm skeeter oh. skeeter is that yeah you know is peter's.

kind of the ones he's he yeah he's more. he's multi-gender he's everything kind. of oh what is his pronoun oh i think his. pronouns is just. everything algomas you know it's like. everything in spanish i think wouldn't. skeeter didn't have a gender did he i i. don't know yeah so that was that that. was a voice i don't know i don't know. what i am. my pronoun is everybody there you go. yeah okay. so uh that was skeeter and then a couple. of years later i got bobby's world and i. decided to use the skeeter voice so i.

did this since the scooter this is bobby. yeah and then years later when i saw my. gynecologist i got uh uh. gizmo and i did. so they're all the same a whole array of. voices i did other voices on the uh on. muppet babies i was also bunsen honeydew. oh i don't remember that would you bring. up bunsen please and honeydew if you. don't listen to me i'll make your sister. disappear. it was that and i was a animal. oh bye-bye oh.

and then i i. i was busy and i was on the road and. then uh who took over for me on that i. think it was dave coulier you guys. almost look the same now it does look. like me. i didn't realize that. bunsen honeydew looks exactly like me oh. [ __ ]. your bad is so [ __ ] great i never you. might have to rebirth you might i gotta. do it oh my god it's me. look at me. how did it saw the future the puppet is. designed you gotta see bunsen honey dude.

they could see this they're watching. this on youtube right yeah art imitates. life man that's the oh my god i didn't. know holy. it's like my new headshot there you are. that is gonna be my new head shot rich. is in there richard works with me we got. to just give out bunsen honeydew. pictures. oh my god look at all of them what are. you getting what is all that. and there's merchandise oh that's google. him just look where he went to the beach. so you can see him tanned up a little. bit there and some of those yeah oh my. god i was a good looking i had no idea.

that i was voicing my own future. and that's me. well i think that's not baby. was there a baby bunsen it's muppet go. muppet babies bunsen honeydew that's the. regular um bunsen honeydew i was a. muppet babe there i am. even more. even more like me. and there he is with an eight ball too. and that was obvious man look at the. glasses yeah i have my own.

an eight ball you're going through a. tough time yeah you know we talked about. it before we went on the air mental. health i've been dealing with it from. the beginning and look there's. mentioning there's my new glass line. i had he was you know i got into the. glasses business did you eyeless just. people going totally eyeless now. well that's why he needs glasses he has. no eyes. he only uses those for i i've never seen. somebody wear glasses without actual. eyeballs until you bro as a baby that's. me that's who you were well because i. didn't want to be called four eyes i. wanted to be called noah no eyes i like.

that yeah but this is uh i started. also predicting the future so i'm doing. that character i had no idea that one. day i would shave my head there is one. hair on there isn't there at the top is. there one hair there seems to be like oh. yeah do you see that. yeah if you pull that it undoes my belly. button. yes. and then uh. and then i didn't know i'd have my own. line of glasses and my online glasses. wow that'd be so funny if you pulled. that. and your belly button just came on. haven't you ever done that have you ever.

cleaned the lint like there's i get a. lot of lint in my belly button and and. sometimes when i start pulling the lint. out i unravel my underpants that's. insane. what. you've never done that. no i never had i mean i've had what. happens to me is i'll wear um. like a blue socks and then i'll just my. whole foot will be blue first i thought. you were going i thought i wear blue. socks and then my belly button is filled. with all this blue lint and i was. thinking how does that even oh no i. didn't even help your joke i should have.

made no you're not helping a joke i'm. just i was i was i thought it was going. a different place than it was going but. yeah sometimes with a blue sock you have. blue lint yeah and it gets all in. between my toes and somehow i'll wear. like a sweater or something. and then my belly button looks like it. has like a kind of art project going on. it's amazing what like the amount of. stuff that well i couldn't speak for you. but for myself the amount of carry-on. that i can bring on any flight which is. my belly button. it's not even a joke there's just been. so and then this is the other thing i'm.

a little bit of a hoarder so like i'll. pick it out but i don't throw it away. yeah so my side table beside my bed is. filled with about three years worth of. stuff that i've picked out of my belly. button oh you're halfway to a mitten. dude you should do a mitten you should. do like a locks for lust kind of but. make it like a make something you know. somebody who has cold hands or something. it's like one of. you know howie mandel's. lint. button mittens you know. i love that idea it's pretty it is a. good idea and you just come up with this.

like with uh off the top of your head. yeah i almost wish that i hadn't told. you that idea you know i had a weird. dream last night when i was gonna be on. i did drive i had a dream last night. that i was att i don't know what i was. attacked by three different. hamsters gerbils and guinea pigs oh dude. well and that's definitely that's a. warning sign right there and then. i sent those through my so. when i think of you i went to bed. thinking okay tomorrow i'm going to be. on. theo show and that's the last memory i. have before i fell asleep. and then that ground game maybe that.

small ground game you know a lot of that. market went to russia do you know that. about the hamster a lot of hamster. gerbils g pigs will you look them up. maybe nick the roborovskies. the rubber it's a family business i mean. look i don't know if it is or not it. became a family business the hamster. business but the roborosk is a lot of. that market russian dwarf hamsters oh. when i was young they were straight. american man i mean you got him right. here how do you know the difference. between a russian hamster and an. american hamster. a lot of it's in the wit the i don't.

want to say the thigh gap but it's like. the width of their legs how far apart. they are how far apart their their legs. are yeah so do. russian uh hamsters have bigger nuts uh. i wouldn't say bigger nut uh actually. maybe that's why they have that extra. space there what do you mean the legs. are just further apart but nothing is. filling it more it's just more space the. legs are a little bit further apart now. if you get those roboroskis or those. white a lot of the dwarf hamster. businesses come out of russia they're. over there in basements they're dark art. and brother they're doing it all.

you know i'm surprised that's a syrian. that's a syrian hamster oh it is. the left is an american hamster the. right is a roborovsky russian hamster. see the roblorovsky's putting his hands. together he's plodding you see how. they're doing howie. you know what's weird that you're. showing me these things that i'm really. into it but you talk about them like. like if i go to a jeweler and i want to. buy like a stone or a diamond from no. this is the roboroski crystal and it's. got an an incline cut and it's got a. clarity of six you talk about hamsters. in the same way as a jeweler talks about.

diamonds oh these are gems baby these. are uh so what are they shipping these. here illegally i wouldn't say illegally. i don't think that i mean i don't know. what they were doing at the time but. when i was young it was all american. hampshire you picked up a hamster you. could hear leonard skinner you know or. you could hear barbra streisand but now. stand. you could hear yeah barbra streisand. yeah not barbra stein's sand. you could hear both of them if you. wanted or is barbara streich stand a. place where you went to go buy. roborovski's oh at the barber strike.

stand at the bribery strike. yes. are the luckiest people in the world. you know what's great i love that you. come up with something and then your. producer nick has to like with a not. even a smile just a serious look is. searching the web for the roboroski. dwarf hamster breeding look at him i. mean but it seems like it's the dwarf. hamsters roborovskies they're from. russia it seems to be like a dark arts. like a. there seems to be something.

uh evil sinister right. and if you look at a man i remember when. i was young there was a the smaller. hamsters the stores were selling they. were fuller they had a little bit more. life in them you looked like maybe after. school after after the day at the pet. shop they went home to loving families. you know they had dinner at a small. table but you look at these roborovskies. man it looked like they doing cigarettes. they're. you know they're sleeping on stacked you. know sleeping all on you know a lot of. groups in one bed this is horribly sad.

we should get uh. is there somebody like sarah mclaughlin. that could sing a song about the russian. hamsters. in the small arms of the angels. and you have all these russian hamsters. just looking really sad you should put. together a video. that wouldn't be a bad idea it would for. a dollar a day yeah you can. lessen that. how much does it cost to feed a hamster. a day what do hamsters eat i bet a dime. a lot of them usually eat like a mix. they'll eat like a uh i'm gonna bring it.

up next you have one everything i asked. nick has the answer to yeah bring up. that ham food mix daddy do you. do you own a hamster i don't have any. right now man the last thing i had was. two big g pigs baby. uh what is the difference between a. guinea pig and a hamster. the difference between the guinea pig. and the hamster most of all the size. between their legs no i think overall oh. that's i mean the russian versus yeah. that's russian versus american is. definitely it's a it's a kind of a. you got a hardier kind of uh.

what is it called the bottom of a car. chassis yeah yeah you gotta you got a. wider chassis on is that what they're. referred to in the hamster world or the. g world or the what what's the gerbil. yeah gerbil or gerbil some people call. him that is gerbil and nazi wasn't he. yeah. general goebbel was a nazi you're asking. i think he was. he was. well i don't think look him up. look up the gerbil lieutenant goebbel. nazi gerbil nazi gerbil there he is.

there he is joseph. gerbil. joseph gerbil he was a not small town. there he was yeah yeah no it's a famous. you don't that's why i've never been. able to be comfortable around gerbils oh. really i could see it that's a little. furry adorable nazi and i don't want. them in my mind they're walking like. this i'm sure it's a little dicey right. and every time i open the oven they. would get excited yeah one of them. started they start clapping yeah so i. have to is that bad. i mean it's cancelled look that's no.

cereal that's factual okay that is. factual that's factual and you know we. must never forget yeah oh right okay. that's we must never forget fur should. be a pet shop i love that. wow heil hamster it's for kosher kosher. pets. i don't know the gerbil is the kosher. pet what is he known for i can't read it. from here what is he known for uh he was. a politician he was one of hitler's. closest confidence he was a minister of. propaganda oh he's a secret keeper.

yes he was the minister of propaganda. and he was chancellor for one day of. germany. chancellor for a day that sounds like a. bad game show yeah. chancellor for a day. you will play and you will like it. wow what is uh. what is a game show honestly holly uh. honestly honestly howie how he would. when you look back what is a game show. or even a pilot that you did where you. were like. you know i don't know if that one if we.

had it fully baked that one you know. oh that's like every two weeks um i come. up with something but i've done some. really really bad shitty shows have you. a horrible. horrible i'm always uh doing uh shitty. shows in fact up until the few hits that. i've had recently i would think i was. more known for the [ __ ] than i was for. the really yeah i did really bad movies. in the 80s that was my thing that was my. niche that was my.

you know. yeah i didn't intend on them being oh. you're now you're gonna put it up my. whole. look at any of these names of of okay go. go up first let's start earlier okay. okay no um. where did i come from oh that's not good. uh. uh but you got gremlins early that's. 1984 so that's that is the muppet babies. uh go go. earlier earlier earlier earlier saying. elsewhere that was okay these are pilots. that didn't work i know but those are. the good things but a lot of these. things didn't work i was on a um.

good grief on on uh. and what was that fox people were having. the owner of a uh of a uh what's it. called a funeral home. i was the owner of a funeral home and it. was ten episodes there i am. look at me. had a good cast. but that was the worst show was it i. think it was and it wasn't fun. and i didn't have a good time and it. kind of stopped my career for a long. time good grief huh yeah there you go.

really no i was at the end of my you. know i what year was that that was. probably 1990. right yeah 1990 and then that was the. beginning of the drop for me my career. just went into the [ __ ] toilet i. remember you and rich telling me at a. time that you had you thought about kind. of hanging it up for a while no it was. over in 2005 i was done you know i had. been i kind of i was on sane elsewhere. and i'd done young comedian specials and. then and then. around 2004.

i wasn't selling hard tickets anymore i. was playing comedy clubs half full and. all over the the country which is you. know a grind it's it's a grind if. they're full but it's even more of a. grind when really nobody's showing up to. see you and um i was reading for parts i. was sitting in casting offices reading. for five lines and under and i'd you. know and you feel embarrassed or. dejected at all or no not i mean were. you able to manage like because that's. what i would. you know hollywood has so much of like. uh it started weighing really hard on.

you know it's really weird hollywood is. just. [ __ ] you up. all you know it's not a healthy. place. for the mind it really is not even and. and as well this is going to sound like. a like i'm an air you know like i don't. give a [ __ ] not to our audience it won't. it won't no no but even if you're doing. well and probably you know from the. outside the better people think you're. doing the harder it becomes mentally. because like.

for example i'll give you my example you. know like. i did a series i was on a series for six. years with denzel washington elsewhere i. was selling out you know at the time you. know i did two shows at the woodlands in. in in houston and it would be like ten. thousand people would show and then 2005. you know they'd say we have you know. 26 people are at hahas tonight you know. and then i would do my set and then i'd. come in and i'd be sitting in a casting. office you know six years ago i was on a.

series i was on network tv every break i. was doing a movie for every major studio. and all the same offers that you know. people like tom hanks and robin williams. were getting at the time you know but. you were in that world. at that time you know when when tom. hanks was doing bachelor party and stuff. i was doing you know walk like a man in. little monsters and a fine mess and. grandma but by 2005 i was doing. [ __ ]. and then i said i'm going to quit and i. got an offer to do a game show a deal or.

no deal which i thought was the worst. [ __ ] idea anybody could ever have. first of all if you think about that you. know when it was pitched to me. i don't know that people remember before. 2005 there weren't a lot there weren't. any comedians doing talk shows i mean. doing game shows the game show was the. joke you would act like a game show host. on stage if you were doing a parody of. something goofy okay nobody wanted to be. the game show host the last comedian. that did a game show host before that. was groucho marx who did you bet your.

life which jay leno is recreating now. and it's going to be in syndication but. before that no. um so when i got asked i thought that's. the nail in the [ __ ] coffin of my. career and i said okay and then they. said they showed me what the show was. and it was just an hour of opening up. cases yeah just opening up [ __ ] caves. unboxings it was the original unboxing. really that's what it was it was they. were. unboxing and then that thing went. through the roof and kind of gave me a. career but what i was saying about the. mental health is. that you know the more i do.

you know i'm on agt now and which is the. number one show of the summer and i'm in. a lot i can't tell you that a week. doesn't go by. where you know i have an idea for. something and they say no. or they're not putting it on and they go. we like that idea but we'd like to use. someone else. and. your mind just goes to weird play and. it's not only about being accepted but. if you've got that kind of weakness. inside you getting constantly uh.

yeah some form of rejection or that we. don't want you yeah you're not the right. thing because i think it goes back to. the things in the beginning somewhere in. our lives or in our souls that were like. that made us want to be. attract attention to ourselves anyway. well you just you brought it up right at. the beginning you know if you wanted to. dance for your mom so you could watch tv. yeah you learned that being good or. funny or getting being the center of. attention got you something rather it. got you notoriety or the opportunity to. watch tv or to do the things you like. you realize that that.

that became your self-worth and when. your self-worth is. externally in your mind the things that. you do yeah and who you think you are or. who you think other people think you are. then you're you're at the mercy of. everybody outside of you instead of. yourself does that make sense yeah man i. mean if you want to be happy people. you just got to make yourself happy you. can't make anybody else nobody can make. you happy yeah nothing externally no. amount of money nothing you could do.

commit you got to make yourself happy. and that's why i will stand alone in a. dark room just smiling yeah. i'll tell you this dinner time can be a. real stress you know somebody's. fist fighting somebody stole your. silverware you know somebody's smoking. up in the back room huffing out. but with freshly it's easy. their chefs take care of your meals a. few nights a week and take the pressure. off of you. we're all trying to get in shape and eat.

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theo. yeah man sometimes it's weird man yeah i. can tell that's that's like yeah my. whole life it's like it all somehow. depends on what other people think and i. think it's just from some programming. probably you know when i was a kid but. that's all of us you know every piece of. media you do every piece of uh you know. wherever you you know you want to be the. funniest guy you want to be the most. interesting person if you're a young. person you're reading magazines you want. to dress like that you want to look like.

that you're looking at other people's. style you figure i got to get myself. fixed up just to walk outside because. when you walk into a room you're. self-conscious about how people are. seeing you and what they think of you. and it really doesn't matter right but. that those are just words because to me. it matters you know i'm on your podcast. because it matters yeah because you know. i could be at home but i want to be here. i want to be here but i also. deep inside of you and that's why you're. you're here today. you need uh.

acceptance of people you. don't even know and may never even meet. and that's a weird [ __ ] thing. like i'm talking to you and who's ever. taking this in i need you to love me. yeah i don't know who the [ __ ] you are. yeah and. you don't. i'll never see you and you'll never see. me in person but please please please. [ __ ] love me. just so i can get through this [ __ ] i. know. and it's been hard this has been a. really tough people joke around because. they know me as a germaphobe and they go.

you called it and i say you know howie. in latin means told ya but but the thing. is that this has been a really [ __ ] up. hard and continues to be time for us all. you know and for me i just been. struggling i am so [ __ ] medicated. right now really oh yeah right now and i. can't sleep uh without my gummies. you know i take a lot of gummies to fall. asleep those are now you are doing the. thc are you doing the melatonins. thc oh yeah yeah do you do that i don't.

do it but no i know god i would let you. judge me oh i'd let you spit in my mouth. to get a hit of it you know what i'm. saying like i would definitely do it if. i needed a quick nap or something yeah. but yeah so is it your first time. getting into those has that been a good. experience well i didn't you know when i. was a kid i was i smoked i didn't. gummies are kind of new to me yeah but. they came i started doing gummies during. the pandemic just to sleep. and it's just. and then you know i haven't been on the. road like you and i've been afraid to be. out in in public in front of in front of.

people i started working where you at. supernova just because it was outside. yeah and it's in a circle you can kind. of stay safe from everybody right but. it's outside it doesn't that's a good. point you know but it you know i got uh. uncomfortable with going into a club or. a building where everybody's just facing. you and going ha ha. and then so to combat them i was writing. tragedy instead of comedy so nobody. would go ha ha ha i want to do things. that make people. even just stop breathing and looking in. my direction.

so that's what i've been doing one time. a guy laughed so hard at one of my shows. he came out of the closet dude which was. insane. you laughed the guy yeah. i laughed that he he's like ha ha ha ha. i'm gay. and his friends are like what. what's going on charles have another. beer dude yeah well that was pretty. crazy that's funny that's funny people. used to talk when i started in the. business they would go i killed you know. like you killed the audience or you know. they were dying laughing but you're. you're you just get them to a level. where they're just coming out of the.

clock basically yeah yeah what is the. that's the new thing i think if you can. get somebody to just admit who they. really are right there on the spot you. know you're changing pronouns. that's amazing they come in as them. and they leave as us. i wonder if they wouldn't that be a good. game show a pronoun game show maybe. where somebody wins. a pro maybe a pronoun they've always. wanted i don't know i'm trying to marry. like. somebody who has a sexual choice or or.

wants a certain pronoun or wants to be. recognized or seen a certain way i'm. trying to marry that with some type of a. competition you know i wonder if that. would be one day wow i love that. it's they against them i know my guy is. saying the rich is standing in the back. he goes don't get into this discussion. okay no no no i'm okay did i say. anything that will get me canceled not. yet yeah not yet. i don't think i'd be canceled my my. heart is always in the right place i. don't think i can say anything to get me.

canceled i'm i really i'm accepting of. everyone i respect everyone i really do. that's true i really do you've always. been like that and there's nothing. that's i i don't think anything is odd i. think. every person is so is such an individual. that can't be replicated and whatever. their desires are and their needs are. and their wants are and who they like. and what they look at is no different. than anybody who is. um. been born. maybe not as the world.

sees them from the outside yeah does. that make sense yeah so i don't think i. could say i'm just trying to not be. confused now and i don't wanna and and. the fear is i don't wanna offend. somebody yeah. so i always i'll just whoever i walk up. to i mean i called my grandmother the. other day and i go how are they. and she said oh and i went them. who is this i said it's us. who's on first man that's a great dude.

that'd be so good a new pronoun version. of who's on first. i love that maybe it's one show and then. cancelled yeah. that's what it is it was a pilot program. that we came up with. but uh who's on first they are who but i. always have to watch myself i don't want. to offend you know every day i'm talking. to people at america's got talent i. can't imagine that yeah and it's i'm i'm. so conscious of you know not wanting to. offend anybody yeah not wanting and and. i do respect but.

you know who they are so. we took a uh a course at nbc called a uh. what did i take and now i forget what. the name of the course is it was called. a sensitivity course oh yeah yeah they. brought me in for a sensitivity. electrocution thing or not i thought. they were going to just tickle me in. places. that i've never been tickled before i'm. taking a sensitivity no and they talked. about how. it is perceived when. you say things that maybe are not. even it's not about intent it's about.

perception does that make sense. yeah perception's hard to gauge. sometimes until you know until you get. some sort of reaction most people. usually. if you say something and it's a. one-on-one instance then you can tell if. somebody didn't perceive it good and. then why honestly. why do you hate the jews. i mean i would that's just my perception. yeah that's not i know that wasn't your. intent okay yeah i mean look there's. definitely so a couple that ruffle some. feathers but i would not say i would not. leave that as an overall statement okay. okay all right and it's good that we.

cleared that up and everything is moving. smoother is that something that you're. going to cut out nick. when i say to him well he doesn't he. doesn't hate jews no. no it's not the jews no it's the no. let's just yeah let's just leave it. there. i mean yes i definitely have had a. landlord before that's a little dicey. okay i will be honest his landlord your. your name for jew sorry land them okay. whatever whatever they're gonna land. them whatever they used to be.

uh i did have a i had a good jewish joke. one time that i wanted to try but. sometimes i'll be the judge of that okay. whether it's a good jewish joke okay. you're ready for a good jewish joke oh. you'll love this guy oh man that guy's. that guy's so nice he'll sell you the. shirt off his back is that good. is that it that's a jewish joke. for he'll sell you that guy instead of. he'll he'll give you the shirt off his. back. oh. i didn't even get it. you know why because it was too inside.

for me i said what's the joke that's. something i would do i didn't get it. because i'm jewish but all your. non-jewish. listeners and viewers will get it and. then the jokes on the jew here. so what's wrong with selling the shirt. off my back that's that's what i do. that's what i that's not a joke that's. just a part of my life what's the joke. but now i get the perception is. that some people give it right but why. would you ever give somebody the shirt. off your back i agree when you.

right now it's a game show suddenly you. can walk away with a couple of extra. bucks man i don't want the shirt off you. know. plus i bet you. i could sell this shirt on your show oh. people are watching somebody i will sell. you is that my camera right there uh. that one oh that one's my camera i will. sell you the shirt off my back. now they all they have to do is. yeah i think they write in yeah i don't.

have like you i don't have merch we. still get a lot of mail really no i'm. just going to sell whatever i'm wearing. yeah and then with that money i could. buy a new shirt merch is just whatever. i'm wearing whatever i have. you sell a lot of merch right we sell we. sell a decent amount we don't get. overboard like some places do a lot of. merch you know no merch here we do. pretty well merch did you ever what was. a unique piece of merch that you sold. when you used to do a lot of touring. when you were coming up because i sold. some really. [Music]. things that i could yeah i would sell.

basically whatever i had i remember. buying another guy's t-shirts one time. it didn't have anything to do with jokes. that i had he was quitting so i just. bought all his shirts and what was the. joke on it it was like about it was. pretty profane it was like about um. it was something about hot pockets or. something right and it had. and you sold at the theovon concerts the. dave uh. dave smith's hot pocket t-shirts yeah it. didn't say dave smith but it was it had. the hot pocket it had something about. hot pockets on it it was like a lot of. euphemisms a lot of like seedy.

euphemisms you would hear probably in. like right now the only thing i'm. selling is my glasses really i'm not. selling them this is at sea eyewear this. is a part of a. a collaboration with seth rogen the. hilarity for charity if you buy my. glasses some of it goes to. to that which is for alzheimer's so. that's that's the end of my merch i also. want to sell. i should oh there you are there's my. partners uh see eyewear oh yeah i heard. about them i don't wear glasses yet man. but i would be willing to wear glasses.

you'd be willing to wear glasses oh yeah. wow. i feel like it would help you focus was. there anything you ever sold that was. like because a lot of communities when. you're first coming up you're trying to. you know guys will burn cds in their. hotel room and then take them in a stack. on the spindle to the shows you know. what i did one time when i was on tour i. took t-shirts out and all i had on the. t-shirt was. my wife uh wanted to add an addition. onto her house there was another room. that she wanted to add like a play room. or whatever and she got the.

you know. she had somebody drop the plans and give. us an estimate so i took the plans and. the estimate and that's what i printed. on the t-shirt and i sold those shirts. until i had enough money to build that. room and pay that contractor and i did. and i still have that t-shirt i should. send a picture of you so you can post it. on here i have a picture of that on the. wall and it's just the plans for the. room and the estimated costs and. everything and as soon as i hit that. button yeah it's our t-shirt room oh i. love that yeah so i did that yeah i.

would my wife we once set up you know. there were all those stands on venice. beach. one time did before when i had a lot of. time on my hands we i set up a stand. that were just pickles and socks. oh really just to see people uh walk by. and i i did it's not even a good prank. it's nothing i just thought it was. hysterical alone. you know i've always said if i could. just make one person laugh i'm doing my. job it just seems that most of the time. that one person is just me but it's one. yeah and i've done my job and hit my. goal and i used to sit at the on venice.

beach at a table because there'd be. artists selling their art oh yeah. selling snacks there would be people. selling readings tarot card readings and. things like that and then i would have. like a jar of pickles and a little stack. of socks i like that and they'd go and. people would walk over and they'd go. would it. what is this yeah and i'd go well this. is pickles and this is socks and you. could buy them separately or together. really it's up to you i'm not going to. push that. they can make their own decisions. so that's the merch and i still have.

access to pickles and socks if anybody. is in the market. i could go for some i think i didn't. even eat breakfast yet but. um you how many uh cans of liquid death. have you finished not enough to freaking. not enough to do what they say they'll. do dude we'll just take you to the grave. baby you know but that's not a sponsor. it is a sponsor. yep and they're good man it's good clean. water it's from. i want to say maybe aspen or boise. aspen or boise.

wow they don't really don't care about. the read on your show as well i do a. podcast so i'm just getting into it i'm. doing a podcast with my daughter you. guys oh yeah. come on you definitely come on yeah so. we do me my daughter i was freaking out. during the uh. during the. lockdowns and i didn't know what to do. so i would spend hours on the phone with. my daughter just [ __ ] around doing. prank calls to friends and celebrities. and challenges and things like that and. my wife once walked in and said what are. you doing and i told her just she goes. what the who's it for and i go it's for.

us. and she said record it so that became. our podcast so if you come on my podcast. we'll do prank calls and [ __ ] with. people do you like prank calls i know. you we did we did. deal with it yeah i like prank shows i. was so nervous doing deal with it but i. definitely got the hang of it oh. i was at a show one time. and some lady in the crowd starts. yelling. she's like wait the i threw the wedding. ring i threw the wedding ring and i. don't know what she's talking about i'm. thinking like oh we gotta know we gotta.

get this lady out of here she's like i. threw the wedding ring and i'm like at. first i think she's talking to some man. she's with or something like i have no. idea what's going on dude so they start. literally escorting this lady out the. back. and uh and it right by the door she. yells out howie mandel. and then it clicked in my head and i was. like oh my gosh that's remember that. frank the. wife that her husband was cheating she. threw that wedding ring they were just. they had just got married and for those.

that don't know you hosted the show on. tvs called deal with it and it was. howie's show and it was uh uh i was a. producer on it and and the thing about. it was we would you would whisper things. you or a celebrity guest also would. whisper things in people's ear and they. had to do they were challenged to do. these for money levels so that guy came. in he was sitting there with his wife. yeah and you could. you or somebody else came up with the. idea of telling his wife. that uh.

i don't know i don't think it was. cheating meeting somebody yes we're. meeting somebody here and we sent in a. accomplice it was like a female or. something yeah and that's when the lady. lost it and she's like i'm through with. this yeah we sent in the lady i don't. remember what the joke was the guy had. cheated before i think the guy had had. infidelities and now when this person. showed up at the table i think. immediately went to that place she takes. off her wedding ring and threw her ring. away in the mid and we're going no it's. a joke i remember with marlon wayne's.

was there too yeah it was marlon wayne's. was doing the jokes with you. that is funny and she showed up at one. of your shows screaming yeah i did you. let her back in or you threw her out you. let her we let her stay in but i just. had no like it was just like the. strangest little piece of like thing to. say that would that i knew what was. going on you know i threw the you know i. threw the wedding ring i love pranks. oh that's not him. we will not and we will. don't bring that up now we're canceled. bro nick is cancelled we didn't do it.

unbelievable thank god he got us out of. there. he had been skirting the edge the whole. time. oh marlon wayne's man he looks different. than i remember him nick. unbelievable. but um. i was going to say on the podcast we did. a prank call the other day and somebody. was. getting really mad really mad and rich. like my nick goes reveal reveal reveal.

tell him it's a joke tell him it's you. so i phoned back and i go hey buddy he. goes yeah can i help you i phoned him. back like the 10th time he goes i go. it's howie mandel it's howie mandel. and this is a joke he goes okay howie. mandel can i help you i go no i'm just. telling you that that was a prank. he goes so you don't need any you know. plumbing equipment or anything i go. no i'm just because then go [ __ ]. yourself that was my reveal it wasn't.

good for the ego but it was such a fail. for. me and my podcast. but i did one the other day i know you. talked to we did one with bobby lee oh. yeah this is also a bad one. rich was mad at me for this where uh we. called a guy i know a guy that was. dating a girl finished dating the girl. and the girl was. pregnant and he did not know whether. the baby was his or the next guy she was. dating and we found out it was the next. guy she was dating but i knew that he.

didn't know yet. so we had bobby lee. call as a doctor from a uh a clinic yeah. a very shady clinic i'm sure. and with her father i played her father. uh telling him that uh the baby the dna. test came back the baby is his. and uh. i as the father of the the mother i'm. gonna talk to him about his intentions. and put together some uh wedding. arrangements and. he just he just started crying.

oh. and i hung up before the reveal that's. why you were mad at me. i never. so you guys just ruined somebody's day. really yeah i was terrified like crazy. and then he gets the peak of everything. and how he goes i'm sorry he hangs up i. go call him back let him know he goes no. we're not calling back. no because the last time i called back. on that other prank yeah. yeah it was the plumber guy who goes i. don't give a [ __ ] you're howie mandel. i'm not going through that again we've. just been talking about mental health. and our ego i'm not going to lay it on.

my ego again it's not worth it i think. you let god and that man figure it out. you know i really think you do man. that was the right choice i know that. was the right choice we have um. how we got some people sent in different. talents all right if it's okay we want. to see a couple of them and what you. think these are this past weekend. listeners that are fans of you what do. you look for in the beginning when. people are in is there any energy thing. that people can do when they're. introducing themselves to you guys. well i think that you know ultimately.

you want us no the answer is no because. one of my favorite things that happened. on the show there was a a young singer. courtney hadwin who uh you got to see. this girl if you. pull her up courtney hadwin audition. and there's this girl i'm going to show. you this she was 13 at the time. and. they said to her she was coming up next. and they said no we're going to bring. out an act before her because she's. almost sick you know from nerve she's 13. years old she's from the uk she's so shy.

then at that time they said mel b you. could talk to her the first one the. audition. watch this girl she can't talk i like to. be surprised watch this. hi. welcome to america's got talent oh. how are you. i'm a little bit nervous. she's a lot nervous she got sick before. the show understandable what's your name. courtney and how old are you thirteen. thirteen oh watch and what's your. favorite subject in school music. what kind of music.

i don't know. you're gonna you your socks are gonna be. knocked off you're gonna be singing for. us and all you have left is a pickle. watch this don't be nervous i know this. is a big stage and there's lots of. people here but you're here for a reason. so. go for it and good luck. watch this. this is what i like i like when i see. things i'm not expecting. [Applause]. she's got to be so nervous i'm nervous.

for her yeah. hopefully it's her dad. [Music]. wow. [Music]. [Music].

[Applause]. [Music]. [Applause]. like chris robinson from the black crows. yeah. it's amazing. oh yes so that's a surprise so when you. say you know what do you look for when.

it starts. you know i don't know it becomes part of. the whole package as far as like. just to see somebody who's that shy and. just becomes a totally different person. when they do it and i'm sensing that. that's going to happen right here with. the. theo von crowd it could it certainly. could be let's see. let me hear it. henry. he'll be bow staffing yeah. you hope it brings the family honor yeah.

and they look rich dude look at that. look at the legs on that uh side table. you always know if your son's in the oh. wow whoa. oh my gosh dude i have a broken ac unit. home right now get this dude in a. heartbeat. where do you learn to do that that's. amazing look at that i don't even know. what that is about staff. it's like a giant uh like what do you. call it the twirlies uh baton baton yeah. basically. whoa wow.

they gotta be so honored he oh i felt. honored at the end man i don't know you. keep this guy what do you think when. this guy gets out there and does that. does he need to add an element what what. could henry do here you think i think. that was good and i think i'd move him. on to the next round he needs to uh you. know. that was good audition but you hope that. the ramp up like the next time you see. it maybe he has two. i don't even know what that is two. sticks low staffs two bo staff he's. fully stepping bobo staff. you hope that he has next time more. staffs oh he'll be a staff infection.

next time oh my god can you get a. bo-staff infection i'm sure he can do. you saw it at the end it kind of hit his. leg i'm sure oh wow can you imagine the. guy shows up next time he can't even. move his neck or arms because he was. just trying it's your fault it's your. podcast infected wow is that is that the. only piece of talent you have on this. show we have a couple more for you let's. have a couple more that was really uh. his family should be so honored oh i. feel honored even does he think he's uh. like that sounded like remember uh the. beginning of kung fu remember the show.

kung fu. you don't know how to grab the pebble. from my hand. it doesn't matter let's move on here's. another guy a weight lifter on a. skateboard donatello from ninja turtles. had a bo staff he had a stick the purple. yeah he was a purple band he had the. purple bandana why did they wear those. masks in bandana we we got like a ninja. turtle without damascus would you not. know is it like superman when he takes. the glasses off and you don't know it's. clark kent. if a ninja turtle took its. bandana mask off would you go wait a. minute did you see a ninja turtle it was.

just a ninja turtle here a minute ago. you're just a turtle without a mask and. a bo staff who are you yeah i never. thought about that they didn't really it. didn't really help their hiding i don't. think no they didn't need like a lot of. except amongst other turtles i think. other turtles might have been like oh. who is that. you're right it's easier for us to. identify. turtles and specific turtles than. turtles to identify themselves probably. because they spend a lot of time alone. in their own shells they're not. cognizant of.

like minuscule differences. in the turtle i feel like i look like a. turtle. you know honestly a shell yeah i could. see you shell it's kind of out of the. shell out of a shell like i'm an old. like a soft shell turtle i'm a soft. shell turtle i love that yeah because i. love soft shell i love that nick keeps. his mic on so you can hear his little. giggles there's tittering. [Laughter]. it started with breathing and it ends. with a like a titter.

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zebra.com. slash t-h-e-o. that's the zebra.com slash t-h-e-o. support the podcast save yourself some. coin the zebra.com theo okay show me. this guy's talon. okay here's what's oh. no. no. no don't do this. okay i don't know if it's a talent or. just. it's not smart to do.

is that it that's it 405 pounds. yeah what is the talent and what's not. smart to do that's i think i think that. that's not a talent i think that's just. like i would imagine listen it's amazing. that he can lift 405 pounds the lifting. is the thing it is amazing that he can. skateboard i can't skateboard. but combining the two he's not. skateboarding he's standing on a. skateboard to lift. the the weight so standing on the. skateboard is not hard lifting the. weight it's just stup that's a bad.

decision. sometimes there is a thin line between a. bad decision and talent. right yeah i mean that was a bad. decision that wasn't talent. yeah there you go. this looks like talent right now this. could be talent this guy i already see. this is where my talent radar as a judge. goes on even before hearing him seeing. him he's a patriotic. [Music].

[Music].

[Music]. but he's got this cherub face and it. looks like he's just. he's never smoked before but right. before he made this tape he finished a. pack of. camels just so that he can get that. phlegm. yeah i like this i think i do like this. i don't like the angle he shot it from. let's get a close-up of my nuts yeah. it's like he's playing backup to his own. nuts.

isn't it like why wouldn't he put the. like the camera on a table it reminded. me of being at a forest fire or. something. it reminded me of having like hot dogs. with friends. um being at a forest fire do you mean a. campfire yeah campfire sorry those. things don't mix those two things up. okay sorry i didn't know that maybe. where you come from let's go to a forest. fire i love sitting around a forest fire. with my friends i love sitting around a. three-alarm fire with two friends and. some marshmallows.

oh and it's so cute when they're. watching people drop from their. balconies into the uh what is the thing. they drop into. um what do you catch them with. no the fire department i i've never seen. those they're running like this yeah. they run with that big trampoline yeah i. don't know if they do they still do that. you think i didn't know they ever did it. i saw it in a couple of movies i said a. lot of cartoons i have never and i'm an. an ambulance not a fire truck chaser. yeah and i've never seen that at a fire. where they took out that giant you know.

condom or whatever that is at iud and. said jump. it's one shot one kill there it is right. there that life net and they don't use. it anymore is that what they're saying. it's called the life net let's get some. intel on this nick can you take us into. that yeah they became obsolete in the. 80s in the 80s that was the reason why. is there. uh. owing to their former prevalence life. nets often feature and.

now it says uh they had varying. limitations go to go up okay limitations. firefight. i can't see it anymore so firefighters. believed that the practice. height limit for successful use of the. nets was about six stories although in. in the 1930 chicago fire people survived. jumps from eight stories into a life net. wow one suffered a skull fracture and. the other two had minor injuries but. they were out of a [ __ ] burning. building yeah so if from four to six.

stories this could save lives why do we. say because we don't care about people. if we go forth we can go to failures and. problems right here as well if you can. zoom a little bit on that next so we can. see it as well all right. life nets often failed to say people and. sometimes firefighters themselves were. injured or killed by falling bodies and. that is. that is what i'm talking about well. they're saying that they they phased it. out because the term eugene oregon. expressed reservation saying that the. term life net was misleading. and it should be it should only be used.

as a last resort well it is the last. resort come on if you're in a resort and. the resort is on fire the next place you. want to be lying and luxuriating is in a. [ __ ] life net if the resort's on fire. yeah if you're in a burning building a. anything that is not burning is a resort. it really is. it's just a getaway it's just a quick. little getaway it's a life net where you. going this christmas i'm going to be. lying in my life now. i think a lot of i say we bring them. back man howie what if we put your face.

on it too so if you were like. jump onto my face because i jump on my. face. right here right here. saving lives every day this guy looks. like he's got something for us i don't. know what the talent is he hasn't gotten. out of his truck yet yeah he's in his. truck. it could be. what's going on theo and howie my name. is isaac spots i'm 21 years old i live. in jackson wyoming and this is my. official audition for this past. weekend's fans got talent baby i got a.

little trick up my sleeve a little magic. that i think you guys might enjoy and. you guys have sleep be prepared to be. amazed are you ready for this as you can. see there's nothing in my hands fellas. literally nothing i have nothing up my. sleeves it'd be hard to put something in. these sleeves anyways check this out. okay. what is he doing take his penis off i. bet.

explain that one fellas you feel me. wow anyways that's all i got for y'all. gang gang take care fellas gang what's. up player so that was uh exciting that. one isaac spots i don't know either he. had been smoking the night before i. think i can do it really yeah nothing up. my sleeves no i think i can i really can. okay watch this.

did you see any. did you see any i didn't i saw i swear i. can do it. i'll do it again i'll try to do it again. there might have been like a little. something no no no it's kind of it's. it's a known thing you think he had. something in his hand he put a ena or. something no i no i can do it i'm. telling you it's your lighting let me. try one more time all right. oh dang. get in there get deep.

get there baby get there baby. that time i saw it yeah that was huge. yeah oh oh you're winking because we're. going to add it in post. it's just a really bad [ __ ] animated. jesus. we got a new editor yeah yeah that's. true do something with this [ __ ] he's. supposed to be awesome man. um you know what. do people sometimes when you have. magicians on the show you go you know.

what it looks amazing but it's all smoke. and mirrors yeah and when you brought a. magician on your show all it is is a. little bit of smoke it didn't even bring. a beer there's no there's no trick it's. just the smoke and it's nothing. turns around takes a hit off a cigarette. yeah. and i like he had the most like he was a. the first kid said i want this to bring. honor to my family the next guy. legitimately sang a song from a bad. angle and this guy had the most i.

thought which you see this it's great. being here yeah i got something for you. let's go. and it was my dad died in the mines. right it was nothing oh it was nothing. it was nothing it was nothing but simon. might have loved it yeah. yeah. let's go after this is heidi still there. yeah god bro dude i thought i had a. chance with her one time man yes you did. the show i really did i thought you were. adorable i i don't know that you have a. chance with her how old are you theo me. i'm 41. no you got no chance really she.

looks younger 30. ah yeah. she likes uh. but at the time. at the time i was 34. or 33 that we did the show 34. yeah but. then she was going out with the guy she. was going out with right when she was in. the show i think he owned like saturn or. something no he was eight eight and a. half. so she uh oh yeah she's six and a half i. got six if i'm lucky you know. no she's uh. she is uh she's a good friend it's.

amazing you follow her on instagram yeah. man she's very rarely dressed oh dude i. remember. one time we were sitting in the makeup. chair or something. and i like. she had come right here i didn't know. and she had on like some type of. i don't know what it was man but it was. something. and it's probably like that last guy's. shirt and you guys like somebody she. threw her voice or something and i. turned oh yeah it was like that last.

guy's shirt dude yeah but the middle but. she had the sleeves but not the kind of. middle part right it's like an inverse. uh. wife beater yes and i remember turning. and her chest was right there right i. mean all the clues baby you know what. i'm saying we were right into the the. cloons weren't hiding oh yeah they were. not they were not hiding. the cloons were not hiding bro and i. remember just praying that night that i. would have a chance with her and then. nothing ever happened well you got it. you should have said do i have a chance. with you yeah i should have you didn't. say anything you thought it would just. unfold oh yeah yeah word free.

just boom you'd be there enough of that. seance and just ouija boarding you know. i'm a lucky guy. sophia vergara is stunning in person. yeah as pretty as she is on television. it's crazy and that's my job that's. where i'm going from here really i'm. going over to agt right now we got some. talent you might want to take with you. we got does she have us. a website does she have a she on. instagram this girl uh her name is. brenda o'connor she didn't include any. of that okay let's see let's see what. brenda does uh she goes for three and a.

half minutes so just let me know when. she goes for three and a half minutes is. either thing you go through before you. go on a date. she goes for three and a half minutes so. do you have time to take in a movie take. her out for coffee and then you got. three and a half minutes. it sounds he sounds right up my alley. honestly. [Music]. it's a three-minute introduction. [Music].

this is legitimate great. [Music]. twice the size. [Music]. of which. is this an original is this her song or.

is it. [Music]. give me a moment. [Music]. that's good nick. that's she's really good here's what i. would suggest for her she should well. she did put it on tape but it's funny. that she put this talent on tape and. sent it to this. podcast yeah instead of to agt.

so i think she's got talent she just is. misdirected i think that she needs to. make that tape and send it to agt.com. and i'm telling you that was really. really good was it her own song or you. don't know i'm trying to see if we can. find her i don't know but regardless. she's got a really good voice she's uh. just a very pleasant. entertainer who uh i think would do well. on. agt yeah she sounds this is another. piece of talent yeah this guy is doing. some stand-up but outside.

stand up on the road look where he chose. to do it literally who's that behind him. is that is it lou is that your friend. lou it looks like lou or mick jagger on. a fence or a wall behind him how about. charlie watts i know huh so sad i love. the stones that's my favorite group. i've seen them about five times do you. who do you like in music i like rolling. stones i like black crows i saw them a. couple of weeks ago um. yeah i mean it's just heartbreaking man. i like grateful dead i like john mayer. john mayer is funny john mayer is funny.

he is funny annie yeah he's just a. conduit of talent man well he's he's. touring now with uh grateful dead yeah. yeah he's remarkable all right let's. extend it. what up people this is bonjour i'm from. hamilton ontario canada oh my people. croatia. uh this is a little stand-up routine for. fans got talent on theo vaughn's this. past weekend's podcast. um here we go. got something in his hand. here we go well back in the day i got my. first kitten right hold on yeah i'm a. [ __ ] cat guy no big deal right but.

let me let me take it back so there used. to be these crackheads. that used to always have these kittens i. don't know why they had. okay well i like this this is kind of. neat. this is that chopping screws no when. so there's crackheads that have kittens. and then he's did he slow it down. because he's easing is that a technical. problem. oh okay. something happened where. it extended it gotcha so here i go.

okay well back in the day that wasn't. no that was not intentional i don't know. how that happened i slowed it down to 10. minutes it was a three-minute video okay. yeah. but when it's good you want it to last. and people are going oh [ __ ] this is. amazing crackheads with cats. [Laughter]. and that's a talent man and i love what. i love about this comic already is and i. think that that's a funny thing to do. outside. well first of all outside in front of. nobody but the the over explanation of a.

setup yeah. so like can you imagine going to the. club next time or your your next netflix. special all right here's what i got for. you yeah i got for everybody here at. netflix i got a comedy routine i'm going. to be coming out here in just a minute. i'm going to be doing some jokes and. routines and just chatting i might do. some interaction with you with the. audience i think i might be doing things. that you're going to find mildly amusing. there might be things that you find. hilarious. i'm going to probably close which will. be an hour from now with my best piece.

that's my drop the mic moment i will. give you a signal so you will know the. drop the mic moment the signal that i. have coming up that i've come up with is. the mic dropping. you will know you will see that ladies. and gentlemen sebastian maniscalco. if that wasn't the best. impersonation. all right let's hear the cats in the. crack yeah the cat's in the crack well. back in the day i got my first kitten. right hold on yeah i'm a [ __ ] cat guy.

no big deal right but let me let me take. it back so there used to be these. crackheads. that used to always have these kittens i. don't know why they had kids they always. had like 15 kittens what did they take. back so i used to go to these guys and i. used to be my cat dealer because i had a. stepdaughter that wanted cats but we. already had two of them but hang on stop. for a second. i had my first kid. then he had a stepdaughter crack this is. the most confusing yeah it's like. downton abbey but in memphis i feel like. this is.

just getting pretty crazy bro and i love. that he's got so many gestures he's. leaning on the wall i don't understand. what the [ __ ]. i had to play him this is bunjo he's a. long time supporter of this past weekend. he's been watching since the beginning. then we love banjo banjo. thank you so much for telling us this. nice little soft kitten nice little. furry piece of life in your hand hey man. baby so. she wants kittens but we don't want to. buy them for real so we go we used to go. to these crackheads.

and rent kittens ten dollars a day. so we used to rent three so that's. thirty dollars a day wow now this one. time that's math um they came over and. they're like hey ding ding ding now kind. of door ding ding ding. ding is not not it's an aluminum door. wait wait but ding ding ding is the bell. look. the door was made out of bells come on. owie ding ding ding he did even the. knocking gesture. ding ding ding. all right. this guy's great i love banjo i'm gonna.

give him the same advice because he's. got to come on agp yeah just the way he. tells his jokes. here's what i'm going to need. i don't want to come into the theater i. want to be outside you got a wall i can. lean on sometimes and i'm going to tell. stories i need a small river in the. background a sewage can just a furry. bundle of life yeah life should we keep. going to a punch line or if we oh we. didn't get one okay keep going keep. going black kitten. so we're like all right so the black. kitten a black dog i'm like all right. sure uh i'm like why why what's going on.

they're like ah. somebody just died uh because they. overdosed on drugs in my apartment so. the cops are there so i gotta put these. guys somewhere safe. so i'm like all right that's no big deal. so the guy ends up going to jail for. killing his [ __ ] his girlfriend right. a little furry bundle of life. and that's it. is that it that's not i mean the story. is it keeps going well let's keep it but. the thing is what's great about it is.

it's. what he's using is he's using real life. to make humor and sometimes the darkest. uh. i like he goes because the guy there was. a murder at another apartment. no big deal like i like that he says no. big deal because he doesn't want to make. it heavy they're just he killed his. [ __ ] girlfriend but back to the. kittens yeah yeah. okay we have this dog which i named. blackie chan because it's a black. labrador. um we ended up giving it to my brother's. neighbor which he dubbed himself the. [ __ ] master because he used to go to.

cuba and pick up all these young girls. and everybody stop it right now. so we've gone from murder to sex. trafficking to is this gamora this. sounds like that show no you're not. getting the jokes the these are this is. an amazing. you know what this reminds me of uh. something who did a similar. joke it was uh who's that girl with the. um. i know you're talking about where. everybody somebody uh they told the. worst joke and everybody kept telling it. it's not the one i was talking about. aristocrats.

oh the aristocrats i was in that you. were yeah did you hate it. all right. you hated it. but when i wouldn't i wouldn't watch it. again. the only reason i did this episode of. your podcast was i wanted people to. re-rent it and restream it i was gonna i. was. plugging that if you'd done it in gizmo. voice man i would i would have really. dug it all right let me get to the punch. line then i got to go all right. alarming if you think about it now.

we end up giving it to the [ __ ] master. and the [ __ ] master a week later boom. the [ __ ] master wasn't a good person he. got the dog killed got hit by a car all. right stop it right here stop right here. it just gets getting funnier and funnier. this is this is your longtime supporter. i don't know why you're laughing theo. these are your people and these are good. people. no no he's a good person he's just not a. great comedian. but look at the crowd you know what the.

thing is i learned and you did too how. do you come up with good comedy we go to. the clubs every night and we see how. people react what i would say to this. person is just go inside yeah just get. the first step is go inside where. there's another person i promise you you. will never tell this joke again. let's continue there's got to be. one guy look at the one guy still there. where he's the painted head but uh. we had this other cat the black cat. and i ended up keeping him his name is. kraken he lives with me now he travels. with me you know i'm no big deal i'm a.

[ __ ] cat guy. um. so he ends up living with me so i take. him to this vet with my ex-girlfriend. now at first i'm like oh [ __ ] uh we're. just gonna get his balls snipped and. snippy dip. and uh we're getting neutered. so we bring them to the vet first thing. i noticed of that's asian i'm like oh. [ __ ] how much money you want to put down. that this vet is going to get him put. down so he can have a dinner for his. family oh my god. oh my god now it's getting edgy um but.

so i'm like oh [ __ ] he's probably gonna. put him down for some dinner right and. then oh my god we're in the we're in the. waiting room the operation room as they. say yeah and he's on my cat's balls but. i notice. he's holding on to him too long for like. five minutes and my cat starts crying i. look at my girlfriend look at the doctor. i'm like how the [ __ ] doesn't anybody. notice this [ __ ] so i'm like hey buddy. uh can't you hear my cats crying stop. molesting them boom my girlfriend sucks.

me in the face it's just donna's. question this is bonjour uh. this is my stand up i don't really do. this no you don't uh i hope you like it. love it yeah that's it guys what's your. old baby how are you a legend i remember. from bobby's world. that was great that was great because i. like that. he. thank god he put a little cavity at the. end saying i don't really do stand up. because you wouldn't know that you would. not know that it's like this guy's been. doing this for.

for a lifetime oh i think it's amazing. he went to a place. and set this up and did it you could. tell he was nervous bonjour putting it. out there trying material maybe if i. just try some like uh some. string together a bunch of violent [ __ ]. kittens [ __ ] and maybe a little bit of. racism just at the end to throw in don't. forget the catchphrase uh big deal i'm a. [ __ ] cat guy. i would love to be in the offices at.

america's got talent when this tape. arrives. yeah is there an agt uncensored that's. going to come out or something that's. what i'm saying they tell me phenomenal. stories that never make the air that you. know people come in with their ideas and. tapes like this that was amazing it was. something man it was definitely. something i'm glad that he put it on i'm. glad we had a professional here to judge. him for it. one of my friends that worked at red. bull for a long time told me that they. would record the craziest calls that. came into their 1-800 number from people.

on red bull and at the christmas party. they would play them for everybody and. i know i always wish i could have gone. to that because i follow this thing on i. think it's on tick tock where somebody. has animated all the really weird 9-1-1. calls. oh like horrible like just bad 9-1-1. that's a great idea it's really great. and people calling for the stupidest. things how much you love tick tock i. feel like it fits you so well like just. in the season because i'm good for 15.

seconds. i did good you know i'm doing good on it. i love social media i i just love all. kinds of social media i just like uh. you know a reason to get up and dance. like an idiot or a reason to post a. picture or to. i just like just being someplace yeah. not in my own head amen i just keep. doing [ __ ] and that's why i'm doing this. and i can't thank you enough for having. me buddy yeah thank you so much man. thank you for helping me uh get a job. too on your show a while back and we've.

got to work together again the next step. is you coming on my podcast okay and. we'll prank prank okay yeah oh you know. we'll do we'll get a bunch of [ __ ]. cats all right. we'll get some [ __ ] oh yeah i'm a. [ __ ] cat guy you know i am and then. oh it'll be great we'll take them down. the street hopefully they'll be like a. murderer yeah yeah. and then when we see that the murder is. there we'll get a dog also oh boom boom. and send that over yeah to where the. crackheads are yeah yeah i like that.

listen i got to come up with my yeah i. got to come up with my own material. let's don't let's don't spin it all here. yeah some of that might be copy written. uh howie mandel congrats on all your. lifelong success and thank you for being. a great entertainer for so many people. and and thanks for being my friend and. thanks for coming in today thank you. buddy stay healthy yeah take care of. rich too man i'll try. and my mind is somewhere else but when i. find it i'll patch up where it's been.

grown. now i'm just floating on the breeze and. i feel i'm falling like these leaves i. must be. cornerstone. [Music]. [Music]. but it's gonna take. a little time.

for me to set that parking brake. and let myself on my heart. shine that light on me. i'll sit and tell you my stories. [Music]. [Music].

and now i've been moving way too fast on. the runaway train with a heavy. [Music]. now.