Heather McMahan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #333

today's guest is uh is a. real dominant and uh. and hilarious and just dang near. adorable. female that's right. female baby you know what i'm talking. about boobies uvula baby all of it. and uh she is from atlanta and um. and i'm just so happy to finally be able. to sit down with her. uh ladies and gentlemen the one and only.

heather. [Music]. mcmahon. [Music]. [Applause]. me.

she likes a hard seat it's fine she's. got a crippling sciatica. so it's fine oh yeah a lot of my friend. has an australian shepherd and it has. dysplasia. oh [ __ ] yeah yeah most of them do i. think. yeah i got a frenchie and they have. every [ __ ] problem do they yeah. i like needed that expensive [ __ ] up. dog yeah that's where we're at you know. a lot of i think frenchies let me think. frenchies. australian shepherds i don't want to say. a lot of foreign dogs but.

but it is what it is they can't handle a. lot of you know they can't handle that. american pressure. that's really i think the fact is once. you get you know even you get those shih. tzus and they got them all pilled up. i don't [ __ ] with the [ __ ] i don't [ __ ]. with the shih tzu yeah do not [ __ ] with. the shih tzu. and let me tell you this i tried to do. the right thing i went to like eight. different french bulldog rescues i was. like i want one spina bifida. one in a wheelchair yeah one leg no leg. no nose. one who knows where there's treasure. yeah yeah exactly and i got denied all. the [ __ ] time because i was living in. new york and they're like oh your. apartment's not big enough i actually. had a very nice apartment for new york.

and so we kept getting denied and so my. husband was like [ __ ] this he's like. after we got denied like the seventh. time he's like we would be perfect. parents we were like let's get the most. expensive purebred. we were just like let's get find the. breeder who's got like just wears gold. all the time yeah and that's the way we. would napoleon. i want one fresh out of napoleon's nut. sack that's how friends exactly. i want this thing to be man yeah yeah i. think it's tough i've been thinking. about trying to get a dog and so i've. been thinking about like. what kind of get like i think about yeah. how pure can they get. how pure can the breeding get yeah you.

know what i'm saying i want that [ __ ]. i want that thing afraid to show up to. war that's how french i wanted yeah yeah. i feel like i am like. you wanted pure but you also wanted a. little [ __ ] though too oh really yeah. yeah yeah. oh yeah yeah i guess i could see maybe a. uh. i don't know if they had a lot of [ __ ]. dogs busts growing up i'm trying to. think of the dogs that i would see when. i was young. well we used to bet like if a dog was. giving birth people would go out and bet. on it and bet how many babies it was. going to have. this is so louisiana so if a dog was. whelping they call it whelping i think.

then they would people would be out. there throwing a little bit of money. down oh hell yeah you know and trying to. win a little or just trying to you know. just i guess maybe just also just feel. what it's like to be victorious maybe. not even. it might not even have been about the. money i mean you know. i i feel like degenerate gambling is the. thing like my husband gambles a little. bit does he really and i don't get it. yeah it's fine but i don't get it like i. i won't even put ten dollars. on like a craps table like i just i'm. like no [ __ ] that i know how hard. and how long it took to make those ten. and i'm like making a little money now.

but i'm still just like. there's no [ __ ] way i'm gambling no. do you give your husband a little bit of. an. of an allowance or does he have his own. uh does he have his own. no he has his own job yeah yeah he has a. job. yes i do not know oh yeah that's right. no he has a job. well actually technically right now he's. uh. he's i call him the house manager so he. gave up his career in new york we were. living there we moved back to atlanta. and i'm like listen until you build your. real estate [ __ ] here. like i need you to be the house manager. because we're redoing some [ __ ] are. y'all are yeah we are.

yeah we're in like yeah okay so i'm. sitting here with heather mcmahon thanks. for coming in i know we've been trying. to. get to see each other for a long time i. know and uh. yeah i had so many people that were like. can i come over if heather's going to be. there. i had more women i'll tell you this i. had more women offer to come over. in the past five days since people knew. you were going to be here. than have ever wanted to come and spend. time with me those are my hoes i love. them shout out to all the girls out. there yeah i didn't get a good look at.

them but i. some of them seem like hoes over text. and you know it's you know that's a good. thing. yeah if like if you present yourself a. little [ __ ] and you just. you know you're honest and transparent. about it like you do you yeah. you know the ball's in your court i'm. here for it yeah i like that. i um so you started out doing comedy in. atlanta. um or you didn't start out doing comedy. so you're like uh you're kind of one of. these hybrid people kind of. and i'm not judging i'm just trying to. say stuff and think at the same time. right no no i hear you um so you're like. one of these hybrid kind of.

artists like tell take me into it a. little bit what is it. well so the first time i ever did stand. up it was actually at my high school. prom so i went to this like really. conservative christian school and they. always had like a. we couldn't even call it prom we had to. call like the junior senior senior. banquet just because it's like [ __ ] up. right and so they wanted like a surprise. guest and so i said they they approached. me i don't know why because it was like. highly inappropriate they said i did. and so the first time i did stand-up was. at this prom and i was. roasting the senior class and i was like. if i can get up in front of these. [ __ ]. peers that are like the most judgmental.

people on the planet yeah and i just. came alive i was like this is what i. want to do forever and i was always a. theater nerd and was doing all that. so i went to ole miss got a theater. degree then went to new york and was. doing. kind of improv sketch like i really was. on the snl trajectory i was like that's. what i want to do. i love a wig i love a costume you know. that's just where i thrive that's where. i'm become. come alive yeah and i was out in l.a. doing ucb and was kind of doing that. underground scene and. and then you were really hustling it oh. i was. hustling raw dogging it whatever you had.

to do i was doing it were you using sex. to try to get forward. you know what i i offered no one no one. picked up on it they were like we're. good. we're good yeah yeah yeah yeah like if i. could strip i would but i have eczema so. i feel like i would take off my clothes. and they'd be like we're good here's ten. dollars like. put your pants back on it's real rashy. yeah lotion night yeah. they should have lotion night at the. strip club for people with eczema. when does that start when do we start. getting strip nights.

for when does the like cancel culture. like when does that like the diversity. force diversity culture hit the strip. clubs. when do we see like the girl doesn't. even climb up the pole it's like one of. those like. things at the uh hampton inn like. swimming pool that just. lifts you out of the water for the strip. club yeah it just takes her up the pole. slowly and then just bring her slowly. back down maybe that's a charity we. start. that's our philanthropy i like that yeah. yeah limp completely just limp strippers. so i have a uh.

family member semi-family member who has. been an exotic dancer. oh yeah and in our town they had a um. strip club called kneels that's what it. was right and uh and i don't know if it. was supposed to be a strip club but. enough people were naked and they were. eventually you know what i'm saying you. could see some titty. i hear you so but the ceiling was low in. there. so the women would get on stage and. they'd have to duck and strip. so it was very like kind of occupational. hazard. i mean i would say yeah before they had.

that yeah yeah yeah. this is just like yeah it was really. like uh. it had a lot of you know it was like the. scoliosis it was like. in the scoliosis belt right so there was. a lot of yeah but the women would have. to get. up there and so they'd have to strip so. it always had this very like. it looked like the women were sneaking. around you know what i'm saying because. they had to duck over a little bit with. a titty hanging out yeah yeah. yeah those are my girls so they had to. get into that um. i mean i'm from atlanta where like. stripping is an art form and i mean you. go to places like magic city and there's.

like 15 girls on a pole like a jenga. set i mean it's insane and then you go. to places like the claremont lounge. which is very famous. yeah we're like you know the women are. in their 70s crushing beer cans with. their titties i mean it's just like. that's the the spectrum uh and so it. and then there's my favorite trick club. though swinging richards which is. mostly men and you just walk in and. literally it's just dudes doing the. helicopter just swinging their dick. around. really hell yeah yeah oh i've seen that. in germany at the park one time oh yeah. it seems very german yeah yeah i think.

so the chopper the [ __ ] masculinity. uh-huh i remember somebody took me to a. gay club one time in baton rouge and i'd. never been i didn't know they had it. right right. so we walk in and there's like men with. no shirts on. and just jeans and i thought that the uh. air conditioner was broken. i didn't know what it was i was like. damn we're at a bar and this [ __ ] air. conditioner is. you know saying they should do something. because it seems crazy they got a decent. clientele for [ __ ] having no ac. and then i realized it was gay men dude.

and they start and gay men get extremely. aggressive i feel like. they seem like a straight man is in the. building because i have this feeling. that a straight man. like guys want to try to get a hot girl. but for gay men the hot girl. is a straight man i hear you well a lot. of the dancers at swing and richard's. club in atlanta are straight dudes oh. and they have a big gay clientele but a. lot of them are straight dudes because. you know. i mean my sister's a criminal defense. attorney so she's had a couple of his. clients and she's like no no that's mark. that's mark he said seven duis. but like he's a good guy and he's also.

like hits on me all the time so. yeah interesting yeah so so. so so then you were in new york and then. you guys decided to move. to atlanta now did you kind of take a. were you like. saying i'm going to take a sabbatical. from kind of the. uh because if you were if you were doing. like second city and stuff like that. were you like i'm gonna like step away. from that were you starting to do your. own thing what was it. i went to new york and then i went out. to la for four or five years and i was. out there and i was like i'm doing the. commercials and all that [ __ ] and i. never i didn't take the traditional.

route like i was more. ucb and and really like honing that. craft if you will as. obnoxious as that sounds so i wasn't in. the store i wasn't doing. you know um the traditional stand-up. route and then. i kind of had this like oh [ __ ] aha life. moment where my dad passed recently of. cancer. so i had to pick up my life and move. back home to atlanta this is in. 2016. so i pick back up i'm like. i'm just gonna go for like six months. i'm gonna help my mom figure out what's. next all this [ __ ]. and it was crazy i kind of started. living my life through instagram and.

just really blowing up instagram and. using it honestly cathartically just. like get [ __ ] off my chest and dry out. new material. and it just blew up and so then i was. able to like work in atlanta a little. bit. and then i was like this is insane i you. know i don't know it was a weird. blessing like it was the darkest time of. my life. but it was so cool to like be able to. get an audience from that. and um i just started like putting funny. [ __ ] up that brought me joy i didn't. give a [ __ ] about being in la. i didn't give a [ __ ] about being in new. york i wasn't trying to impress anybody. and that's when the best [ __ ] came out. yeah and then we went back to new york.

and i was touring in 2019 and it's just. been a wild ride since. yeah but now i'm back in atlanta yeah. and so now so now you have um. so now you find most but now you're. going on tour right yeah. so now you have a show that's going to. be on stage yeah so what's the stage so. like like. i mean it's a it's a grab bag um you. know it's it's a long stand up set but i. also bring out wigs and and have videos. it's kind of a mixture of like what i do. on instagram and. my kind of i don't know brand of of.

comedy is very much so storytelling and. it's you know about my life and but. here's the thing i really like people to. leave and they're like i don't know what. the [ __ ] just happened. not like performance already like weird. but i like people to like maybe cry at. one moment and they're like i don't know. what the [ __ ] these feelings are but. something's coming up and then i just. hit you you know what i mean and they're. like this was [ __ ] weird. and i was here for it and it was rowdy. oh i like it yeah yeah i like it yeah i. think. some one of my goals always was stand up. was like. i don't care if people remember like a.

joke that i told but i want people to. remember. me somehow like because that's what i. feel like you go back to see like you go. back you get invested in a human or in a. feeling i don't know if i get invested. enough in like a. joke alone because anybody can write a. joke. right i feel like i want to get invested. in somebody you know that's what makes. me as a. consumer want to be involved with. somebody yeah i mean i remember the. shows where you leave and you're like i. don't really know what just happened or. like yeah you just leave with that. feeling or that warmth or maybe like. shame.

i don't know what it is oh yeah but i. want you to get in your car. and just be like something happened yeah. you know and like think about it for a. while. i don't know i'm a pisces so i like to. just get in there yeah you know what i'm. saying. oh i'm a pisces yeah when's your. birthday march. 1-9 okay i'm one five oh yeah. this makes so what does it mean what. does it mean take me into this because i. don't know anything about it like and if. people did know about it i always. thought they were like sorcery or. something. or people would call them you know. people would curse when i was young you. know. i hear you know if people showed up with.

the libras or something you know. oh well i don't [ __ ] with the taurus. like i don't like hold a lot of weight. into it but most tauruses have been. pretty evil in my life so i rebuke in. the name of jesus like if i walk by a. taurus i'm like. no not today yeah oh i feel the negative. energy. oh um but pisces what are taurus sorry. just so don't forget. um end of april through beginning of may. oh yeah so it's coming up so tourist. season is coming up. yeah yeah just keep your butthole. clenched like shit's going to get wild. oh dang oh wow so it's tourist season.

what do they do. uh they're just like usually cheaters. god i'm going to get so much hate for. this. they cheat oh i want to know more about. three tourists. yeah you see them at strip malls. t-mobiles um a lot of chilies. you know what i mean they're always. hanging out at a chili's bar dude i. remember making love to this girl that. worked at chili's and uh. she had oh my god she had. all these pictures of i remember going. over her place she lived at her parents. house they were out of town apparently. or she killed them i don't know where.

they were okay. they might still be out of town it's. been about 17 years but she worked at. achilles and she had all these pictures. of like all the local firemen in her. house. i remember um yeah i never even thought. about that till just now i wonder what. happened to that. maybe the firemen like helped bury the. family they were in on it. there was yeah it just got a little like. some chicks have that. diy dateline it kind of [ __ ] they want. you know. yeah yeah a little like oxygen channel.

snap moment. that energy yeah that's a tourist woman. right there yeah she might have been a. taurus okay anyway. so but pisces we're creative um and. we're creative we're sensitive and it. doesn't necessarily mean that like. you're a sensitive person where. you're just empathetic like you're able. to connect with people on their emotions. okay but we're also terrible with money. like that's the number one thing we. we're able to make a lot of money. because we are big thinkers. but like if i get a hundred dollars i'm. spending 99. you know what i'm saying oh. yeah yeah. so yeah i gotta have like a financial. advisor and account and an attorney just.

to be like. sign off on [ __ ] you know what i mean i. need like a ballot i need. uh a limit on my credit card you do i do. i do oh wow. yeah and i don't know what it's like i. don't gamble but if i'm making money i. want everybody to have it like i'm like. do you need a job. you know and my friend's like no heather. i i'm a you know financial investor like. i don't need a job i'm like i just want. to give you money because i feel like. i don't know why yeah i feel that. sometimes i feel sometimes like i don't. yeah like. money's i don't know money's so weird. yeah it makes me uncomfortable it makes. me feel like. i have it but i need it right you know.

yeah. yeah i need it but yeah it makes me. uncomfortable i don't like being. somebody that has money because i think. i always judge people that had money. like i was always like all these [ __ ]. rich people and [ __ ] like that and so. i think sometimes i'm like oh man i. don't want to have any money you know. like but then you also have to have. money if. you can't tell the rent guy hey you know. i'm just trying i've been nice to people. this month he doesn't care you know. that's not his name and i've had no. money and it sucked so bad like i've. worked. every hospitality job you can imagine oh.

really oh yeah. did you do doordash um i never did. doordash but like i was in. worked at every restaurant i worked. every job in a restaurant and when. you're working in restaurants for like. 10 years i mean it just. takes a part of your soul away that i. don't know if you can ever get back but. i do believe you know like in israel you. have to. um serve in the army you have to survive. yeah yeah yeah two years right i think. yeah i think in america. everybody should have to either be like. a valet. you know any sort of like work at a. hotel working a restaurant. yeah something yeah work at a perkins.

jiffy lube be a hostess out of perkins. for at least a year. yeah and then you can go out into the. real world and like be an adult yeah. yeah i think that's true it would be. nice if they had some kind of like a. like a little tributary of occupational. tributary that brought you out into the. mainstream yeah. um yeah i'm trying to think of a job. that i had that i really. that really really stuck to me um. well i used to sell mexican food for a. living. in a restaurant or just like no in a. restaurant yeah.

but it was crazy man they had uh the two. chefs. back there or these two black women. named april in may. and they did not like cooking mexican. food so sometimes we would have to. literally go tell the tables that uh we. the chefs okay didn't feel like making a. quesadilla today. so we would like you'd be literally. offering like french toast and [ __ ] at. five p.m right. you got vague over there and i was so. scared of them that i was like afraid of.

the confrontation. and sometimes i would just lock myself. away uh. from some of that because i don't want. to be a part of it um. do you think we had a question that came. in right here for you let's bring up. this question right here from this. young lady right here hey y'all my name. is jessica from atlanta. and my question for heather is if you. could start in. the broadway with the rat king himself. what production would you guys star in. and what would your roles be.

well i've always been told i have a lot. of friends on broadway because i come. from the theater world. i've always been told the only role i. could play on broadway is pumbaa. from the lion king i don't know why but. they're like that's the only role. because i bring up a poom before you. picture. yeah yeah because why go ahead i'm sorry. no i don't know why i don't know if it's. like them just being [ __ ] and being. like this is the best you can be or it's. because i have like a deep voice. uh but yeah i think god what could we be. in the line is that the lion king uh-huh. yeah my friend dodd loomis actually. works he does the lion king.

if you ever wanted to be that i think. you are better looking. right yeah but they're always like no. you be pumbaa like you just have the. energy of pumbaa i'm like what the [ __ ]. is that. eyes and maybe some of the cheek. structure. and i mean that in a very be i would. definitely spend time with this animal. we could do sound of music you know the. sound of music oh. yeah but this sound like it kind of has. a little willy nelson in the beginning. 100. the sound is people opening cans of tuna.

at home yeah. 100 just the ring doorbell over and over. again. yeah the sound is people reaching for. that latch under a. car hood yeah in like the 90s where. people were it didn't just pop up. automatically. and you have to then it comes up an inch. for you then you have to put your. young [ __ ] hands into a dirt. [ __ ] hot [ __ ] car yes and reach. for a [ __ ]. lat yeah ugh the sound is just like. women trying to like uh. get around in their like purse just. looking for keys and [ __ ] it's like.

[ __ ] [ __ ]. god damn it did i leave my keys it's. just that recording over and over again. the sound yeah that's it yeah yeah just. over and over again like god damn it. daryl. [ __ ] you i i knew you forgot the keys. that's it and there's three checkbooks. in there but there's no checks it's just. that like carbon stuff in the other side. yeah do you still have a checkbook. uh i still have a couple checkpoints. this sound is um. one of us running back to the microwave. because. the popcorn's already like past the one. or two second mark between the pops and. so we know it's just burning.

so the sound is just just running back. to the microwave yeah. it's the sound of the music yeah listen. i think we could. listen when broadway comes back i think. this is our moment. you know i'm trying to get an egot i. want a tony and i've realized like maybe. i just need to write my own musical and. i can't really sing anymore. got this deep voice and so i'm like. maybe we do we should actually probably. do like a like a straight man play. though. you know something dramatic something. where we're both nude but there's. nothing sexual about it it's just for. some reason. because i didn't feel like that's the. only way you want to tone oh i got a.

little erectile function so don't even. have to be something sexual about it if. there was it would take a couple. episodes. so i'm just gonna let you know yeah. there you go and i got eczema so. you know what but we're winning tony's. it's called back to back it's our sex. life. god i'm freezing my eggs just both of us. facing the other way. just ask to ask well let's go back to. bat yeah let's go back to them. i mean we can assume that our butts are. touching but i think yeah just for like. yeah the ass to ass thing is just gonna.

be that's gonna make me nervous. okay i feel you i respect that didn't. mean to push that on you. i apologize i really apologize well i. thought you were pisces i thought we. were. vibing but okay so note dissolve oh what. else will. be the sound of music that would be. that's such it was such a great question. so. what else yeah what other kind of show. could we be if it was a. we could do like hello dolly now i don't. know what you know about musicals but we. i mean hello dolly is like this very. iconic old show. it's southern is it southern no it's not. southern never mind. um but it's i mean we i could see you in.

like a hoop skirt. having a moment you know with like a hat. on and like a like a pipe or something. okay yeah you're a little old-timey okay. okay okay i'm gonna go with this i. i think we could do like a i don't know. hello dolly but i've been a dollywood. once oh [ __ ] yeah. um so what about hello dollywood. i could play dolly parton yes we just. wrote this. so this is our pitch and broadway we. would like some fun. what is your dolly part and you just. park your hair like so severely. yeah and it's um no that's not a good.

one um. yeah but you know that thing now is that. these young kids on tick tock are. telling women i'm 34 they're saying that. we can't do a side part anymore they're. like no it's only a middle part. we can't wear skinny jeans anymore it's. like this whole [ __ ] thing that these. young girls are trying to tell us. how to dictate our life and our. aesthetic and i'm [ __ ] pissed about. this have you heard about it. i haven't heard about that and i'm also. glad i haven't heard about that because. it seems like it's. it's emotion yeah yeah and it's okay i'm. glad that women are doing stuff but i. don't want to know about it you know. i guess i love that women are telling.

other women what they're doing wrong. because that's feminism yeah that's what. we need we need more. right i think it should let's i want to. see it spill out into the streets i. would love to see here's what. here's where it is okay is a couple of. 19 or seven-year-old women. getting abused by some. 30 year old women there's a street fight. listen i went back to my story at ole. miss like before rush and they wanted me. to give like a motivational speech and i. literally no way really i scared you.

were you the head of your sorority i. could see you being like the um. the lady at night that comes down it's. like only one peanut butter you know. who's that lady the house mom no she's. like a 65 year old lady who's living. rent-free. yeah yeah she's like no boys upstairs. but also only one peanut butter okay. yeah yeah. yeah yeah yeah i remember that yeah that. later always like one peanut butter. you'd be like doing oral sex on some. woman and she's like one peanut butter. you're like oh damn because that's every. man's fantasy is that women in a. sorority house are just doing oral sex. on each other. that's it you guys just eat each other.

out all day right it's like no. no i remember doing oral sex on some. woman uh-huh. and at ithaca college somewhere i don't. know. and some lady peeked in it was like only. one piano. i mean yeah no i ran my sorority i tried. to be president but because i wasn't. from mississippi. they were like it's not going to look. well across campus like it was a big. deal i mean i went to ole miss i like. ole miss was weird ole miss was weird. and it was amazing and it's.

god when if i die like spread my ashes. in oxford. um but it was kind of a culture shock. for me like i didn't even know what the. capital of mississippi was i got there. and people were like oh we're from. jackson and they're like very. you know old southern money like we're. from jackson i'm likeville florida like. i don't know. what the [ __ ] mississippi is but it's. the greatest place on earth truly um. but yeah no i was i was a big day. president i was pledge class president. and then bid day so like. i would totally see that yeah yeah yeah. and i could say oh. well my best friend scott went there and. he was in. sigma.

they've been kicked off campus i think. it was yeah yeah probably because of. scott. yeah i wouldn't be shocked man it was. either scott or it was probably i don't. remember. they had like south seas or something. was there. oh was that. did i have sex with scott i don't know. he'll i mean he'll i'll i'll ask him. later okay. but um he uh. he i remember going up there and yeah.

everybody you'd have like the drunkest. somebody that couldn't even read me like. you know faulkner. uh oh it's always about father you have. no [ __ ] idea who fought nervously. used my mouthwash here and it'll be like. what who gives a [ __ ] like all of a. sudden everybody's into like early. american poetry. i didn't know who the [ __ ] yeah you know. they uh they uh excavated a cannon from. under this restaurant you know. it's like a lot of [ __ ] facts all the. time and you're like all right. mississippi pump the brakes a lot of. plaques. yeah uh-huh a lot way too many plaques a.

ton of plaques. ton of cocaine yeah a lot of just plaid. like gingham. shepherd smith i heard shepherd smith. used to go do cocaine there do you ever. hear that story. yeah i'm pretty sure [ __ ] i don't want. to say that but yeah i'm pretty sure. like. yeah i mean whatever [ __ ] we all did. cocaine at ole miss so yeah if shepherd. smith came out of the closet he could. it's easy to come out of the club it's. way easier to come out of the cocaine. closet i think. than the actual closet i mean it was. just such another planet i got there. it's just like. you know you have all these like rich. kids from the south but it was weird. because i was in the.

art department i felt like like i went. and visited alabama and i swear to god i. went to visit and i was like okay i only. have two choices because i didn't you. know my sats like. a blind cat could have done a better job. on that sats of me. even though i was student body president. of my high school i still there i. thought i was gonna go to pepperdine. like long story short i was like i'm. gonna go school in california oh wow. an artist all this [ __ ] they're like you. were 100 denied so it was two weeks. before graduation. they were like like who did this testing. and the funny thing is when the lori. laughlin thing came out where like you. know she was paying somebody to like get.

her kids into college. my sister called me she's like dad my. sister wanted to attack she's very. intelligent and um. troy tech no georgia tech sorry yeah. troy tech. which is in alabama troy i think is uh. i'd never heard of troy tech i was even. like that is a reach troy state okay. troy state yeah there is troy state in. alabama shout out troy stevens. shout out troy um they got a good. wendy's enjoy do they that's it though. yeah i could see that but long story. short my sister's like you know dad was. so stressed out about the fact that you.

did such a bad job on your sats that he. like called me and thought that. you know i was gonna go take your test. for you like he just was like so worried. that i wasn't gonna get into college. so it was either alabama or ole miss and. i visited alabama one weekend and this i. swear to god this is like so on the nose. but this guy named bubba. was in overalls at this like theta kai. house and he was just coked out of his. mind and it was like a chicken tender. eating contest which i love tindy's now. but at the time i was just like. and he was hitting on me and i was like. i gotta get out of alabama like i'm not. going to school here right so i just.

like that's it i guess i'm going to ole. miss and i showed up at orientation was. like [ __ ] yeah. hottie toddy let's go and it was the. best four years of my life. and then i did cocaine with shepherd. smith so oh yeah okay good good good. i was wondering how it ended um. yeah josh kelly used to go there when. josh kelly uh. because he went to ole miss i remember. um. yeah i like i liked going to ole miss it. was just different i didn't grow up like. with any tradition or anything like that. so you went there and everything was. very it was everything was very.

traditional. well it was a big deal you know i just. thought you wore like a t-shirt to a. football game they're like. you're showing up in pearls high heels. it's august it's 115 [ __ ] degrees out. the humidity's at 300 and you're just. melting and you're sweating out the. jaeger from the night before. but you're having to stand there with. like a shrimp cocktail platter and like. try and look regal and like. i'm a debutant but literally i'm just. oozing. gin and jaeger so um i learned a lot i. learned how to like. you know grab myself up by the. bootstraps and get my [ __ ] together yeah.

oh i could. see that i feel like it is really it. is like a sephora boot camp yes for. women [ __ ] i totally see ole miss. being like that now because i would. remember yeah we'd go to some of these. parties and everybody. girls all the boys have names like. gryffindor the six and [ __ ] you know. two last names like sutton miller foster. yeah yeah it was all. way like insane like yeah you know his. daddy invented the swing set. you know like there was always [ __ ] that. was [ __ ] way crazy you know.

they're like oh his great grandfather. admitted that news seemed like that's a. [ __ ] that's. i wouldn't lead with that i had an intro. at a party. let's just call let's just yeah but then. yarn. you know what i'm saying like it was. yarn and you guys did something you. shouldn't with it right. you know but then you had to buy cocaine. from him so you're like [ __ ] now i gotta. get into this conversation with. gryffindor. god damn it oh god it would just be. it made me feel i felt so foreign when i. would go to those places because. i think yeah i just never was into that. kind of culture and like that bro some. of that bro culture always kind of.

spooked me a little bit i hear you. because you get guys that would be like. you know i'll do anything for this. right you know you know you get guys. drinking each other's blood and stuff. and like you know this this martini oh. this uh bloody mary has real blood in it. you know. this has two pints of my oh of my uh. pledge in it yeah that would happen at. the sae house they actually like some. party called patty murphy where they. just had to get this guy as drunk as. possible and i remember being there and. like. being 19 and just going i'm like i'm. like this isn't right. i was just like this seems unsafe and. then next year that that party got shut.

down but. it was interesting the frat world i mean. yeah you've got you know your. stereotypes but. my sorority was literally like the best. i met the best [ __ ]. i met these women who are still so part. of my life and they were just like. you know we i don't know we just did. like dressed up and then we get drunk. and then do. philanthropic work like honestly and. truly it was like every other week we. had a new charity thing so i was like at. least we did some good you know. yeah yeah yeah and i'm like it was. culture shock though for sure yeah i'm. not trying to knock it all i think it. was also i think i was just like afraid. i think i just didn't know.

anything about it right so like my best. friend went into it because his dad had. gone to school at university of. mississippi and so then. i just like would go and see like little. pieces of it and even though i was at. lsu for a couple years i just didn't get. too much into the greek stuff you know. yeah. and those guys were always such a. culture it was like if you weren't in it. you kind of weren't in. it right um well when i would meet. people out in la there's like. they would just be shocked that i was in. a sorority they're like yeah what's that. life like you know like they literally. were like did they beat you like what.

happened. tell us about it yeah tell us about it. i'm like no it was actually fantastic we. would you know dress up and like go to. parties and. it just like live our life it was. fantastic yeah yeah i know everybody. wants. but when people are from the south i. mean listen there's great culture at all. these different schools. but i think specifically the south. everybody just thinks that like. you're just like yelling racist things. all day and like just. just being the worst terrific person you. can imagine yeah it gets the worst rap. man yeah especially out now like yeah. it's like oh my god you guys had fun. what was that like i'm so sorry you had. camaraderie and friends you're like.

yeah [ __ ] you clark i did and i loved it. and it was fantastic. yeah oh you should be a nurse you should. be in our fraternity out here at ucla we. have uh we just got a new fish. yeah like the [ __ ] out of here it was i. remember going to some parties there and. it was. so lame it was just i'm sure it was. really really bad it would be like a lot. of people doing um. just bitcoin before it was a thing you. had to like talk about it yeah. it was like bitcoin rumors yeah that was. the night. yeah yeah so i went to ole miss you know.

and then i went straight to new york and. i was like i'm gonna. do the comedy thing and now for most of. us you know learning a um. a second language in high school was uh. i mean it was just real challenging you. know you had to get out there and. [Music]. some people just wore kind of spanish. clothes and. got a d you know it just it was a real. it was hit or miss back then. you know but those times have changed. thanks to babel the number one selling.

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b-a-b-b-e-l-dot-com. code t-h-e-o for an extra three months. free. babble language for life. ladies and gentlemen i'm here today by. uh. the grace of a higher power and also. because my mental health is well. some people have exquisite mental health. that's not me i have. well my mental health is well that's. where i'm hoping to be at. and something that helps me is therapy i. get therapy.

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the not the mainstream but like the main. paths. of what we would expect. routes to find success because to me you. were extremely like captivating and. beautiful and uh and like um. original yeah and so those things to me. like as just a regular man. and also then as an inner entertainer. are very obvious. okay so it makes me wonder how uh. and maybe other executive stuff did see.

that but. it makes me wonder like how you it. wouldn't be. such an easy choice to be like oh this. person. yes right well i basically i you know i. was doing the grind and you're having to. like. you know stroke the [ __ ] ego of these. people especially in that like ucb snl. world and i don't know i can't imagine. i was just kind of [ __ ] over it and. then you know the teachers are angry. people that didn't get where they wanted. to go and then everybody in my classes. like even in the early stages in new. york they all have these like creative. writing degrees from harvard and i would. show up in my hoops and animal print.

and like a full face of makeup just like. what's up y'all let's [ __ ] try to. quit cigarettes. yeah yeah yeah i would have like a coors. light in my purse and just like you know. smoke a menthol and like chill and it. was so weird it was like. and i hate to like say this but like as. a woman in that world you had to like. not you know you just had to like play. games and i didn't want to [ __ ] deal. with it now who was making you play. with was it men doing that or was it. also because women get weird in that. kind of [ __ ]. i find yeah or what was it sorry you. ain't i just wanted to authentically be. myself i think i was trying to fit a. different mold and of course i just love.

doing the characters. and and like wearing a wig and being the. ugliest version of myself possible and. just like tapping into these like weird. isms that i find in these characters. just brings me so much joy like that's. truly when i come alive. um and so i just was like [ __ ] this i'm. gonna pave my own way. and really and truly when i was in l.a i. was having a great time but again i go. on these commercial auditions listen i. went on an audition this is just so la. where the breakdown said morbidly obese. but beautiful. morbidly obese and i literally call my. age and i'm like listen i'm a thick girl. i got a thick neck and ankles you know.

i've got the. shoulders of an offensive lineman like. it is what it is but i was like this is. the breakdown like this. is the the this is the mold that i fit. in l.a. and mortally is death literally dear. death one foot in the grave. yeah you're like my 600 pound life stuck. in a couch you have like. you're just eating pork chops you know. what i mean i was like i got a soul. cycle every now and then right now. um i sweat yeah when i'm not just like. sitting. alone um yeah yeah so i just was just. like i gotta get the [ __ ] out of here. um yeah that that kind of stuff is such.

a grind. the commercial grind oh god i don't. think people understand like you drive. across town. and there's no hollywood yeah to north. hollywood to santa monica. sometimes the auditions would be in. montpelier vermont. they aren't anywhere near where you live. yeah they're like can you go up to. carmel it's an eight-hour drive. on a friday at five and then you go in. there and they. i literally like i was just done with. commercials when i went and they're like. here's the thing we know you're so funny. and you're so perfect for this they're. definitely going a different route we're.

thinking like more. asian older man but we're so glad you. came here and i'm like listen i'm here. for the diversity i'm so glad we're. being progressive. but you just wasted my time driving. eight hours to carmel california and. they don't care and they're like look we. need you to go shave your head in your. car. right now and convert to a japanese. judaism and come back in here. exactly yeah like can you speak mandarin. and do you know how to knit you're like. no the [ __ ] i don't but i would fake it. till i make it. you know and probably offend everyone in. there but i was like i'm so desperate. for this [ __ ] job right now we need. to get your cloud up a little bit do you.

mind going outside just using a racial. slur in the street for a few minutes. okay we need you to at least we need 20. 000 more followers i don't care if. they're angry or not. exactly for this non-union commercial. that's going to pay you 14. in a subway sandwich and you're like. [ __ ] me but yeah so i after i. so i basically had to pick up my life. and move back to atlanta i was like it's. just gonna be temporary like i'm just. gonna go help the family out. and then when i started just living my. life authentically especially through. instagram because i. it's almost like a reality show every. day i mean i'm just uploading. stream of consciousness consciousness.

what comes to my mind and then. all these women were just like thank you. for talking about this oh my god i. connect with this. and then i was able to start touring and. it was just insane i was like [ __ ] it i. built it on my own like. [ __ ] la you know i have to go back to la. like next week now. but the thing is when you leave la. that's when they want you yeah but if. you have. a p.o box or an address in los angeles. you. the phone never rings but as soon as you. leave they're like now you're hot and. fresh. we want this thing yeah this blood. diamond that's exactly that's what they.

call us you know once you're out of la. they call you blood diamonds. yeah like oh how did we get that yeah. sierra leone blood diamond. how do we get that rare ivory you know. how do we get the ivory with the uh cane. sauce on the side of it you know. [ __ ] i love cane sauce yeah you know. i've never been. really like i've never been like really. southern i don't feel like. i'm sorry come again you do you think i. feel like i seem like a southern person. yes theo really yes have you taken a. look in the mirror today you have a. [ __ ]. mullet you have a tight fade and a.

mullet. and you're from louisiana yes i guess so. yeah i don't know i just have never. really identified. as that well see maybe i don't know. maybe i'm projecting because i don't. feel southern. no it's okay no no it's i think do i. come off the southern. yes but then also the more i kind of. see what's going on i feel like you come. off all well here's what happens. sometimes in new orleans people also. come off as new jersey so you sometimes. there's some close stitching there i. hear that between like different styles. like.

i don't think you come off as like. southern georgia which is where things. can get really southern you know daddy. yeah got a geese you know like it can. get [ __ ] a little. get a little weird you know yeah yeah. yeah yeah so that i don't know. i know how to put it on right and you. don't come off as uneducated so it's not. that. that redneck that kind of that thing. right you know like i never was into. that. uh or felt like that growing up um yeah. so i guess. uh but now do you find in the business. that they try and put you in that box.

oh yes yeah and i will i won't honor any. of it the only southern thing that i've. even done. is when uh me and chelsea lin did though. we did a live show around the holidays. and i adore her and it was fun oh she's. so much fun it was hard to do but it was. a lot of fun. but that was like the most kind of. because she's not. she does like i don't know her character. or. you know tammy's. she's more she because chelsea's from. oklahoma so she's more just kind of. rural right is it redneck kirk i don't.

know. i mean it's trailer trash tammy right. right but trailer. right but it's not redneck tammy right. like that's right it's working really. yeah we're really like peeling back the. layers. yeah she's just i think trailer trash. tammy here's the thing all of her. characters are like. very confident people and that's there's. always but that's a southern thing. southerners are confident it doesn't. matter like even at my lowest moment. like anxiety through the roof i'm like i. got this. like my daddy told me i got this i. [ __ ] got this and i'm from atlanta.

like you said i'm not from like making. georgia. right but there's something about like. that southern inside of you where it's. just like i'm gonna [ __ ] do this like. watch out daddy told me yes so i'm doing. it. i do say daddy there diddy diddy hey. recipes yeah i don't think i ever had. that then i think i got to the lowest. point i was like i'm not gonna make it. who's coming with me right right right. and a lot of people were like i'm not. gonna make it either. i got a shotgun that's why i kind of. feel like. my group my like you know i feel like.

it's sort of this. i don't know i honestly do not know who. my supporters are sometimes like i don't. know if supporters but like. i don't really know who's on my team. because it's not like redneck people. right no i think i i know your supports. well i'm one of them. but like i know that i know that dude. you know. it's a riley you know riley how are you. today. i feel like i'm in the presence of just. like barbra streisand. i adore you riley japanese greatness. right right there that's right.

are you japanese riley i am yeah yeah. how's church it's it's pretty great. great i love that for you you're a man. of god i'm a woman of the lord so. that's why he just opened the door. earlier tonight we just connected i felt. the holy spirit. i could see that i felt it yeah and. riley last year got his first. kiss actually oh hell yeah hell yeah how. was it tongue. yeah oh yeah it was pretty great yes. yes yes cleaning the palette baby with. that freaking little ginger snap there.

you go. now riley i'm a great matchmaker that's. just like one of my talents so if you. if you tell me like what you like i mean. you can be very specific with it if. you're like. i want her to have green eyes and you. know be into anime and. you know love chipotle like i will find. her so don't ever. you feel like you can ask me i will find. you doctor you saw us they call him dr. suss oh hell yeah yeah we're talking. about. green green eyes and breasts what uh. what do you like riley honestly if you. are looking for a woman i think. heather's very serious about that damn. that she would consider helping you out.

brother. um yeah i mean i'm uh i'm more of the uh. i don't i don't i'm i'm honestly open to. anything not not anything anything but. like. um i mean like give us one. one detail yeah give us a neat deal like. you talking so are we talking five to. six feet what are we talking about yeah. cool um honestly as tall as you want um. like six four i mean you know do you. want to be cuddled at night like. you got just give me specifics how do. you want to feel about a day okay i like.

being cuddled. okay great all right so a larger woman. okay larger woman fantastic um. i mean i'd like to cuddle her as well so. maybe she has one short leg one long leg. yeah. you want to backpack it huh yeah exactly. um. yeah um let's see what's fantastic. that's all i need. right there i got it and it's about what. you get out of them it's. uh yeah yeah you know it's a it's a. waiting game okay. give me a blog it's a game show you say.

give me a blonde give me a blonde oh. okay okay there we go see i like that. and it's okay i think men now feel. intimidated like they can't say what. they want. but just be honest about it like i have. a very specific i want a woman yeah i. want a woman. that's fine i want somebody with a. vagina. you know yeah i prefer a good attitude. and that we can find that there's plenty. of women out there with vaginas and good. attitudes now riley because we haven't. even really gotten into this riley and i. know have you been uh. since the kiss have you been doing any. more dating or is it.

uh not yet no okay um i like the. attitude though not yet yeah. not not yet but very optimistic you got. to speak it into existence. exactly you know put it on the vision. board i used to think that was such. [ __ ]. right and then i got high one like new. year's day and i made a vision board and. all this [ __ ] came true i was like. god damn okay so i think if you speak it. out into the universe you're just like i. want a blonde woman. who i can cuddle or maybe she cuddles me. you you'll see what happens. wow yeah you got it riley i mean look i.

really believe. and is atlanta too far for you for a. woman not really do you have a mileage. uh do you have a. a distance no atlanta how far is that. land in far so. not far at all 34 minute flight. four-hour drive i got you. not bad but i got women all over like i. i have a posse of beautiful women in. nashville. yeah i got you okay i don't want to end. up in any sort of because. legally it's going to come back onto me. okay sorry. you know yeah how old are you riley i. need to make sure you're legal i'm i'm. 22.

great yeah going on 23. i love yeah yeah. that's when somebody's young. they also tell you how old they're about. to be next. in 18 weeks i'll be 23. yeah yeah yeah. no look i would i i i i i would like it. you know i would like to find somebody. um. i had a girl just just kind of deserted. me recently but. she just left you in the dust huh she. just left you in the dust or ghosted you. or what. yeah she um well i was.

living in iowa and i had two kids and. they were at the county fair. and she passed through town and that's. how we met i was taking. i was taking photos down by a bridge. okay and um. no that's bridges medicine okay okay. sorry. i just really like it but um what what. happened no yeah she just told me. it just wasn't for her man she told me. it wasn't for her so. how do you feel i was a little bummed. actually because i felt like i just. didn't share kind of i think i had some. more feelings and i didn't share them. and so i felt like i got kind of left.

just like. she did it over text which was a little. bit of a i thought it wasn't cool. i hate that i don't even like to text. period like i am old school call me on a. home phone like i want to chit chat oh. yeah break in my [ __ ]. house yes yes break in my window breathe. over me in the middle of the night and. be like. yo we're meeting for lunch tomorrow like. that's the level of intrusion i want. club me and put me in your [ __ ]. step-dad's. acura trunk okay yes i want to.

know that you care do you notice that. always it's like on amber alerts it's. always a [ __ ] like maroon acura. every [ __ ] time you know i don't know. what kind of like. uh marketing they're doing but every. time i get an amber alert it's like. maroon acura. and i'm like what the [ __ ] and then the. crazy part is with advertising. on the phones an hour later i'll get. accurate sale come on down to accurate. it's like this. is insane man [ __ ] no i'm not setting. myself up for. failure no yeah it's just crazy though.

how you're out. the advertising but yeah i think look. there's probably good women out there. and you have a type do i have a type. really you know i think i'm kind of. surprised a little bit i like to have a. woman that maybe has a little bit of. probably. probably faith i think she likes to. laugh yeah she doesn't have to be like. uh. the funny person just to get jokes. though yeah. like just she just has to be able to. read you know what i mean yeah just like. like a basic sense of humor. yeah basic sense of humor whatever you. said faith like you want a woman who. believes in the lord. believes in some sort of faith it.

doesn't have to be you know it doesn't. have to be christian. yeah but it has to be some sort of has. some relationship with a higher power or. wants to. yeah i don't want somebody just [ __ ]. hitchhiking the galaxy you know what i'm. saying like. like i need to know if there's a rapture. you're going somewhere. you know i just need to know that you. have a final destination it doesn't have. to be heaven it could be your own heaven. but i just need to know that like we. have something to look forward to. together yeah it could be somebody from. grubhub is going to come pick you up off. the counter and take you somewhere. that's fine okay okay but you got to. have you got to be a side item on some.

deity's battleship yeah. i feel you there um so i think like that. maybe what else do i like. you know i want obviously something that. i'm attracted to um. are you more of like a blonde brunette. redhead like do you care at all i mean. and it's okay don't like me that much. they don't they do not and it's okay. and she can see it yeah i can see it and. it's fine. they do not like i don't know what it is. they've never. i've never really been their cup of tea. i think so you probably don't date. blonde zen or you you.

know i've i've tried i've sent them dms. i don't. hear back from these women well any. women that are. you know uh followers of mine that are. listening yeah slide into thea's dms. and i really want like hot blondes like. i just i think you'd. look good with the blonde oh wow yeah. yeah. or if you're like kind of a cross-eyed. brunette also slide into yeah. so i feel like you'd also thrive with. somebody like a loose eye you know. yeah look i mean you can you can have. something that isn't exactly perfect. that's fine i'm not perfect.

so i got a lot of loose pieces and um. so yeah but yeah i'm open to dating you. know i'm trying to be a little bit more. realistic about it and just like. actually not just dating whatever. you know i'm trying to actually you know. use my time wisely. but i feel like when you find the right. person you will know oh you do. you do you do when my husband we met i. mean when we were like 22. he walked. into a bar in new york and i literally. said to my friend tina who's here i said. holy [ __ ] i'm gonna marry him no she was. like but jeff like they were high school. friends.

she was like my buddy jeff i was like oh. my god like this it was like a voice i. don't know where it came from. it was like deep in my taint and it just. came out and i was like that's. that's who i'm going to marry and sure. enough i mean 10 years later. we're married it took a while it's wild. it took a while it took a while yeah. it took a couple of uh took a couple of. yeah yeah. yeah but we got to we got to it yeah. yeah um. do you uh do you remember your first. kiss though growing up yes we talked. about this a lot and we've had a lot of. you know unique people sit here and talk. about it travis tritt.

um who else came in here and talked. about that morgan wallin we talked about. um to me the first kiss like yeah i. remember my first like peck it was like. levi it was my boyfriend in kindergarten. but my first like adult kiss with tongue. i was 13. it was michael campbell shout. out to michael campbell if you're. listening. i was on a beach in destin on spring. break and i think he like it like it was. one of those things where you're like at. that weird age where everyone's like. so are we all gonna stand in a circle. tonight and like make out like it was. that. and he just tapped me on the shoulder he. turned me around and he shoved his face. in mine and it was just like.

you know what i mean just like a yes. just an oral he was just almost like. mouthwash just really hitting. every spot in the mouth was it enjoyable. absolutely not cycle campbell they call. him. he's still yeah he still has whiplash. from it oh [ __ ] yeah he does. and once you stopped and his body. started spinning it was like something. on him was going to be rotary. 100 and i remember turning around like. like it happened it was like 30 seconds. and then he like. walked away into the night in the sand i. was like was that a ghost. and i was in like a tank caney and i was. like [ __ ] yeah that girl features a. cheyenne song came on by dr brooks yeah. yeah yeah.

and i just and there's like the thunder. rolls you know and then the lightning. strikes i was like. yeah hell yeah i just kissed michael. campbell yeah god michael campbell and. i'll say this that's a good name too. you got a damn good name right somebody. you hope you did something you know what. i'm saying i hope you did. something with yourself and you're not. just out there building fences right you. know. right yeah which is code word for being. in prison. being in prison uncle tom's building. fences you know. um i remember i remember now. you're really making me think about when. we would go to the beach and uh.

and we would go and during the day we. would try to get liquor then we would. bury it in the sand. because like a sand dune yes because we. couldn't bring it back up to the hotel. room because the parents would see it. yeah and then we'd go out at night and. there used to be. boys and girls would just be walking up. and down the beach at night like. on the beach like right where you could. drown you know the freaking old natalie. holloway circuit you know. [ __ ] and you'd be out there just. trotting along yeah you would meet up. with somebody. and you might make out with them and you. were only 13 or 14.

i can't even believe we navigated it it. seems like. how how did we pull that off yeah i. remember got in so much trouble the. first time i took booze down i got a. thing of um. like seagram's the blue gin because i. thought it was gonna taste like gatorade. and that looked nice it looked so nice. and i bought it was kind of square a. little bit coming up. yeah it was like a sharp bottle you know. and i brought it down and we just like. buried it into sand dune my best friend. mary beth and i were like yeah we're. gonna chug it and i was like what the. [ __ ] is. gin you know my eyebrows just melted off. and i was like i didn't want this to.

happen. my tank knees just falling off it was. yeah i was traumatized and my mom found. it under my bed when i got back from. like spring break and she was like. you're an alcoholic like i'm like mom i. barely drank it like i had like a sip of. it with gatorade and i threw up for two. hours so. yeah i barely drank it mm-hmm yeah and. the word. you would be you was trying to make out. with your mom like i don't remember like. the first couple of times you got drunk. it was like crazy [ __ ] you're like. that's. cute you know oh just be crushed it. would be great. like what and your parents and you guys.

are at charlotte's and charlie's or. whatever. you got whoever the [ __ ] they were dude. they were gay men. and you guys were over there and your. parents like what in the hell is going. on. i studied abroad in italy and i. literally was so [ __ ] up the whole. time i was there and had the best time. but i thought i was going to like go to. italy and like. find like a hot italian man i hooked up. with like a romanian or croatian and. then i'm like. making out with this guy one night and. his name is fernando and we're talking. i'm like where are you from in italy. he's like i'm from cancun. i'm the only person who went to italy to. study abroad and hooked up with a.

mexican guy. but his family owned carlos and. charlie's so that was the big deal he's. like come to cancun. my family owns carlos and charlie's i. was like hell yeah did you go like hell. yeah i did we're. we're still facebook friends you're. lying you know it's yeah yeah. and but i also i also don't 100. no i know for a fact his family did not. own carlos and charlie's because i got. there and like we had to wait in line. it's like goddammit fernando he was hot. though so. damn that's hilarious yeah that's great.

do you remember were you guys pretty. well off growing up your parents have. some money. so my private school i did but. my i remember the beginning when my dad. was trying to build his business he. ended up being very successful but i. remember at the beginning my mom has. this like triggering moment where my my. dad essentially i guess like. did he make like the software for the. online credit report. so he was big in the mortgage business. and was like a computer nerd but we. started from nothing and i remember one. day we were at the grocery store and i. said mom we can't get that it's like ice. cream i was like we can't get it we. don't have a coupon. my mom said she went home that day was. like you better [ __ ] make this.

business work. because these kids are like really like. shaming me in a kroger. um but yeah i mean when by the time i. graduated high school dad had sold his. company and he did well. so yeah yeah but i had this like great. southern father and. who was just like so i mean he had this. like deep southern voice. and he was like baby girl you can do. anything you're a goddamn mcmahon like. go for it like he loved being a girl dad. even though he was like this larger life. larger than life character he looked. exactly like. uncle phil from the fresh prince of. bel-air but white so imagine white uncle.

phil that is literally my father i love. that mm-hmm. i love that man uh i. um and he died of cancer what kind of. cancer did he get pancreatic oh. once it gets down there oh you're [ __ ]. yeah and it was crazy from the day of. diagnosis of the day of death it was one. week. you're lying i swear to god he was gonna. have a [ __ ] heart attack and waffle. house he went to waffle house every day. he had his own booth like they have a. booth with a plaque on it where my dad. used to go. so he was really yeah i mean i thought. for sure if somebody called me and. they're like he just dropped dead in a.

chick-fil-a i'd be like that's on. brandon that's on brand. um but yeah he had no idea and so we. went to the hospital and they're like. yeah he's got. you know he's i'll be lucky to make it. through the night and we got him to md. anderson in houston and then it was like. a week later. so it's also weird because when you talk. to other people about cancer they're. like yeah my mom struggled with chemo. for three years i'm like we had a. [ __ ] week. like i still went through it and saw it. but it wasn't i didn't have the same. experience as everybody else right. it was insane yeah yeah it was very. quick if you get pancreatic cancer but.

then you have like that one [ __ ] we. had this real dick in our neighborhood. and he's had pancreatic cancer stage. four for like 13 years he's still. kicking it. but i'm like if you survive it you're. you're an [ __ ] like. if you're still on this earth i think. god either wants you to learn something. teach somebody something or you still. have something left to do i was like my. dad peaked. that's the way i have to like. rationalize it he was such a great guy. he had the successful company. he [ __ ] did it he peaked so once you. peek you're done like lights out. yeah you're you're gonna die yeah so if. you start to feel yourself peeking man. you better get hungry and figure it out.

get real [ __ ] lazy. and make sure your will and estate is. you know yeah in the right thing. that's a good point actually it is a. scary feeling to feel like what else do. i need to do or what else am i supposed. to do yeah it's also. a nice feeling to think like what else. am i what is. what other purpose do i have and to find. some other purpose right i think that's. where i've been at recently just real. recently just trying to figure out like. find some more purpose for myself that's. not involved in me like that's one thing. a side effect of doing our jobs these.

days. is it's a lot of me yeah and it's a lot. of me and it's a lot of like. do you know you're the product kind of. in a way and so it's a lot of me and. it's like god. yeah so damn myself self-loathing too. yeah i'm so [ __ ] sick of myself yeah. and then i had these moments where like. i never had anxiety before and i've. recently like been getting super [ __ ]. anxious. it's like almost like a manifestation. through my body where i'm like my head's. like i'm just like what the [ __ ] is. happening and i'm like i gotta get over. myself and then i'm like. you know it's like just stay [ __ ].

humble and not that i'm not but it's. like you're like why am i feeling this. anxiety like i know what i'm doing. i know what i'm here for but it's like. trying to find that bigger purpose. like maybe maybe it's the lord telling. me like slow your [ __ ] role do. something else for somebody. you know yeah yeah i think well that's. what they say sometimes yeah like um. that i'll find if i find yeah other. stuff to do for if i find stuff. if i make my focus other people right. then i'll find more joy. you know but yeah it's interesting man. because you start to become. that it's a lot about you because you're. the product and you're the only one.

doing and you're also you're the. production company you're the. there's so many little things that you. are and it's like and then also we. you you made it work that way so it's. hard to. it's hard to delegate i don't know how. to tell anybody to do anything my entire. family. is like you need to hire someone but i'm. like when you've been hustling and on. the grind it's like i just know how to. do it. and that's another thing pisces we're. not great at delegating like i'm like if. i don't do it for my no we're not. we're terrible at it i mean you got a. good crew here and you got riley you got. to write this down. yeah i got you i got you um but yeah.

it's it's really hard to just like let. go of the reins and be like okay i trust. somebody else because. when you're like do we sleep on our side. or not do we sleep on our back or. something no we sleep on our tummy. you sleep face down or on your side. i've been doing like kind of this almost. 45 degree angle thing i got to figure it. out. okay we sleep on our tummy we do sleep. on our tummy i'm like face down. yeah okay yeah we're getting our lives. together. because i don't know a lot of this and i. think this is one thing where men and. women we don't know what's going on. right in the stars so we're out there. hooking you know like we think.

everything's a little dipper. you know and we're like oh that's a. little different you know. yeah i mean i really had to have these. moments like after coming off the road. and like basically sitting at home for. 20 20 i'm like [ __ ] i've had time to. like. be in the quiet and reflect and i. realize i only thrive in chaos. like when i'm on the road when i'm out. auditioning when i'm on 65 flights. in a month that's where i do well when i. have time to kind of sit alone in my own. thoughts. i'm like this is a scary place to be. yeah and it's not that i'm like you know. not in tune with who i am i think you. have to be to do comedy but there's just. moments like i don't do well in silence. maybe i'm [ __ ] codependent of [ __ ] i.

don't know what it is but i need to have. like the noise around me. i'm also freezing my eggs right now so. i'm on a lot of hormones so i'm just. like. literally i'm sweating through. everything i have on right now and i. think that's also why my anxiety is bad. but. it's a [ __ ] wild ride frozen eggs. baby yeah i like that. yeah but they basically like i have to. put testosterone gel all over my. shoulders at night yeah. i already i'm built like a water buffalo. look i don't know i wouldn't say that i. built like a conestoga wagon i know that. i'm built like. yes pull up a gingerbread man this is. exactly what i'm like ladies if anybody.

wants some of this you know what i'm. saying i want you to know what you're. gonna get yeah yeah yeah. full throttle we're going no frosting. okay we're going no frosting though. ladies. but pull up the water buffalo too yeah. water buffalo and gingerbread man please. can we get two images riley whenever you. get a chance. you know the brain is one of the biggest. organs in the body. and i made that up but that could be. true. you know these days you don't know. what's true man there's so much stuff. rattling around in your head facts.

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theo for one free month um. yeah it's interesting as you start to. like kind of know what you are and. what's going on yeah. but i can't imagine you know women you. guys get so when they do the eggs what. do they do take me through the egg hunt. it is such a wild ride and. can anybody do it or you have to be. chosen no no anybody can do it as long. as you have eggs. so you might actually have a couple eggs. i don't know you could look into it ah. dude i feel like a little bit of a [ __ ]. brother between us man between us now. that one looks a little too.

i don't want to say that one i need one. a little bit lighter tone that one looks. a little bit argentinian for me. no not the water buffalo gingerbread man. yeah. okay i could see this do you have like. thick hands though no you've got a nice. underhand arms only have medium length. arms there we go let's go that happy go. lucky guy right there. there we go oh yeah and even the one. that's kind of running away at the. bottom that's me yeah. pisces running away from our problems. yeah that's right right there. now hit the water buffalo that's me to a. t a solid slender ankle.

you know what i mean yeah great ankles. but just. really i mean it's just all the powers. right here make a sock out of my. freaking wiener that thing looks nice. bro. oh how's that little baby right there. yeah yeah yeah yeah god. so that's where i'm at but yeah i have. to put testosterone gel and then. like take estrogen pills so i'm just. spiraling like i don't know what the. [ __ ] happening. and where do you eat it do you just when. you guys for all summer you're in that. field or what do you guys do. yeah we just hang out in the field and. then roll around in testosterone and.

grass. yeah yeah um we actually eat i mean we. you know we graze if you will oh i love. that we graze a little bit then we also. smoke a lot of menthols. okay yeah yeah yeah there we go. that's what i'm talking about. testosterone a little glaze in the grass. and then a lot of menthols these eggs. are. lightly charred huh yeah dude now that. you date a lot of brothers growing up. because i feel like it you seem like. and people must say this all the time. you kind of that brother bait did you. drive a honda civic and date a lot of. brothers i did not drive a honda civic.

um i drove an old bmw but. so the i would say like if jeff got hit. by i have a very distinct type and it's. literally like. my father okay i like i consider like. identify as a lumber sexual. i like men in like plaid shirts with. chest hair and beards and like medium. penises like that is to me. okay that's that's my type okay um but. but the men who hit on me and slide my. dms the most. are urban gentlemen for sure i had a man. after a show in atlanta one time he came. up to me he's like. damn girl never lose your groceries. and i was like i mean i'm so sorry i.

have no i literally was stumped and i. was like i'm so sorry sir what and he's. like. you know girl y'all melons and then just. like. then they just walked away and i was. like i don't know what just happened but. yeah. i'm kind of turned on right now yeah. black men also i think. they just have a level of they can i. think [ __ ] at a different. level i feel like i don't know. that yes yes yeah i don't know i i um my. last couple boyfriends were not. black but yes those are the men who. here's the thing i think because.

they're just they're excited they're. like excited ready to do. they're like fun but they also like. really confident women. and and i think that's what it is like. we look at black women they're always. just like. owning themselves in their body so. comfortable like what do white women. have we have like gwyneth paltrow. telling us we have to do a [ __ ]. cleanse and put crystals up our vagina. all the time yeah. so i think i'm i kind of carry that. southern big hair big tits like let's. [ __ ] go. you know um energy how many people think. you're that lady. who married the football player's wife.

do you right. you're gonna be a little bit more. specific the lady who married the lady. they had a reality show for a while on. bravo do people ever think you're that. lady. oh kim zolciak yes oh yeah okay. so my mom went up to her to publix one. time because i thought he was you. yeah yes my mom went up to her and was. like kim my daughter looks just like you. and then. showed her a photo of me and kim was not. happy with it but i'm like. kim come on girl like you would like you. know an extra 20 pounds but yes i do get. told i look like kim all the time oh. that's funny i get a lot of random stuff. um kim looked all different i mean i.

haven't seen her in years or anything i. just remember they used to have a show. that she was on. yeah don't be tardy for the party and it. was uh because her husband played. at atlanta football and i'm a saints fan. so we would see. david play each other but i get uh anna. nicole smith a lot oh yeah yeah the. deceased yeah. deceased rest in peace but i get her. like when she was having a good day. i used to work at this gym in l.a and. this old guy named moses would come in. all the [ __ ] time and he would just. scream. anna nicole you're here and i'd be like. god damn it moses. like i know you're in a knee brace and.

you're here to exercise but i want to. [ __ ] take you out by the knees like i. don't need you. and then everybody would kind of turn. and look at the counter and they'd be. like oh she is anna nicole and i'm like. god damn it. yeah yeah yeah yeah i wonder what. musical we would be in. sound of music is good it's a good one. yeah. i mean we're not hitting hamilton you. know what i mean i just don't think we. have. the diversity or the talent for it so i. think i. yeah i don't know and i don't like those. sh i think a lot of the uniforms they. were on a ship or something i don't like. a lot of that. i feel you i feel you then i mean what.

else could you do we could do like dirty. dancing. oh yeah oh hell yeah hell yeah we could. have a moment in dirty dancing again we. would have no pants on. no no no no no no yeah exactly. just remember you're the one. thank you that song you don't talk about. yeah okay but then i would pick you. because i keep singing it and you're. seeming like you don't know what i'm. talking about and it's making me. nervous. never feel this way.

no i know it i know i was letting you. know a wheelchair i gotta be in a. wheelchair. and in the end i just go off a little. ramp and then i'm at the bottom and you. crush me. but we figured out where like obviously. it's like stage combat where i don't. actually get hurt but that's the new. twist that you end up. killing me. [Music]. yes i love that they did a fundraiser. volleyball game. and it rained but people still came and.

gave money and somebody got electrocuted. because they always had a band there and. that guy died but it wasn't about him. it wasn't it's never about him and. everyone's like hey you know what dylan. go [ __ ] yourself you always try and make. it about you. because he's a taurus and that's how. that works he is he's a taurus dude. he's a tourist but he ain't no freaking. bull like no he ain't a water buffalo no. he ain't. god it's like looking in the mirror oh. oh really i just don't i mean i. understand the relationship to i. understand. seeing an object pull up conestoga wagon.

if you will. please raleigh. uh i couldn't [ __ ] tell you. let me let's go on record first time an. asian guy has asked. me how to spell something and no offense. riley i'm not. not assuming you're asian but. connoisseur wagon. we expect it better yeah how about this. dude. [ __ ] guess bro you know what i'm. saying. just type in wagon.

let's see you spell it out i actually. want to see this go on. because the spelling bee at our school. and shout out this girl helena and they. called her big helena. oh she was pregnant that's why she was. big. and people were still like you're fat. and she's like i have a black baby in me. you know it was like kind of. but i'm about to [ __ ] crush this. spelling bee suck a dick. yeah she won the spelling bee in fifth. grade. pregnancia okay. women can do anything i'm telling you. thank you and we can't.

thank you look at the statue of liberty. okay that's what that [ __ ] did you know. she's in heels and she's been standing. up that long she's been doing it. crushing. god uh this is a conestoga that's how. i'm built yes. hold on let me take a look at you let me. take a look at the wagon. 100 that i've actually never seen. something more accurate. thank you yep the neck is right yeah. limited neck now. i can see you know i'll look around but. it's it's a lot of it's for show. yeah you're self-aware that's another. thing about being a pisces you're. self-aware.

self-aware too self-aware and that's why. we get anxiety yeah. i think no i think you might be right. god i wish i freaking knew you more. because i just need a lot of this. information i got you i i will literally. help you i'll find you love. i'll do your taxes not well but i will. do them oh yeah yeah. um and yeah i'll find you love and help. you fix your life. okay that's but that's also another. thing i like to kind of help and fix. people. like i love a [ __ ] project yeah i. love a project oh dang. oh yeah yeah yeah a fixer-upper let's.

go um. are you touring what are you going to be. doing so i kind of did what you did i. did a bunch of the live shows here's my. thing my audience gets really [ __ ]. rowdy. like originally they were like let's do. some of these drive-in shows but i'm. like. i've had to call an ambulance multiple. times for these drunk women. so i said the last thing we want to do. is have a drive-in show where then. there's like a 15-car pile up on the. highway. and my name's on the marquis so i was. like let's not do anything with vehicles. so you guys had a bad drive-in yeah yeah. no i just.

i was like i'm not gonna do the drive-in. shows i know that's what everybody's. doing this summer so. i'm waiting i mean i had to put my tour. in hold so. i hope we're able to go out in the fall. i need to like pop in and start doing. some shows again but. no i haven't i haven't it's kind of. nerve-wracking i think now something. anxiety can come from that you're like. will people still come out they came out. before yeah. will they come out again and i i i fear. that i think everybody i think. a lot of people do in our business you. know you just don't know. you had things were going pretty. decently you don't know if people forget.

about you. if they forgot you know like even though. there's proof that they didn't right. you still just don't know sometimes i. know my audience pretty well though i. mean everybody. love you i mean listen i have a very. very strong female audience and. and you know i am their white oprah and. i'm just so proud to have that role. um but i i know that these women i mean. they message me on the [ __ ] regular. they're like. i've got three kids i've been locked up. wrong with my [ __ ] husband. you know marcus like i'm gonna literally. murder the whole family you better be. performing this weekend.

so i have a feeling it's going to be. like revenge travel like these women. when they're able when they're able to. be in a theater again they're going to. be. losing their [ __ ] [ __ ] so and i had a. wild. tour in 2019 where i was like god damn i. almost like felt a little self-conscious. i was like do i come off as like a. raging party or because i mean i drank. but nothing crazy. and these women would just be like. getting so [ __ ] up at the shows and i. had to be like hey guys i want you to. enjoy this and take something away from. the show so like. pump the brakes on the seltzers before. you get here. um but i think it's gonna get even.

wilder like i think i'm gonna have to. just do some crazy shows right out of. the gate and then we can get back to. like. trying to be a professional you know. what i mean yeah that's a good point you. know i stopped in the comedy club last. night and um. and half the crowd i felt like was just. wanting to be out yeah they just want to. be out somewhere. if it's a woman or a man whoever has. come they're bringing their they've. wheeled their partner out yeah you know. the partner does not want to be there. the partner wants to be doing something. else they just got into like chess.com. or some [ __ ].

that eventually will lead them out of. the marriage yes because they saw the. queen's gambit now they're like oh yeah. i'm gonna be a [ __ ] chess tycoon. you're like. no you're not you're 20 years behind. yeah so i think a lot of people are just. wanting to be out right now yeah i mean. i'm starting to get that itch i mean. other than fact that i'm sweating. because i'm on a lot of hormones right. now but yeah i'm starting to get that. itch where i just need it's a revenge. travel like i'm ready to go. i had coveted i'm like i've got the. antibodies let's roll you know. um are you hot on your heart and took. the ac on oh i'm [ __ ] melting but. again it's because i'm on testosterone.

is it i was on some a little bit i got. off of it but will you. do you mind cutting the uh air. conditioner on it's right outside of the. door yeah oh i didn't know if you could. have. it oh thank god crazy i'm [ __ ]. melting i've drank like. already this water i'm hitting a. smoothie it's been a while yeah well you. look nice though i don't see any sweat. on your head or anything. well i'm just i feel like the pants are. getting you know what i mean just i mean. when you have big tits though it just it. all it captures right around your heart. which you know that's why i have. [ __ ] hot flashes all the time that's. the other thing performing. i'm a very physical comedian and i get.

off stage and then i do these meet and. greets and i have to like. change clothes and i don't sweat in. normal life i mean it's amped up. obviously because i'm on. testosterone gel but yeah i want to get. on i remember getting uh. i would get sweaty on stage and i. remember yeah i never had any tits like. that i had decent. i used to do steroids and i had some. pretty good tips for a little bit but. that was in college you know. mm-hmm and they were just you know chest. more. yeah i mean i feel like i'm on roids. right now like i literally called my. doctor before i came in.

i've only been on these for a week but. you basically have to do this [ __ ] we. have to like prep your body. so you can grow a ton of eggs oh really. and then they go in and they try and. take as many eggs as possible. no way and it's a really weird feeling. like yeah it's almost like angry birds. yeah no it's literally angry birds. and it's the weirdest feeling because. most people they like take their eggs. and then they're immediately like trying. to. get pregnant but i've got to go finish. tours and like my career is just now in. this place where i'm like. okay i but my daughter's like you need. to try and get these out while you can. because in two years it might be hard to. get pregnant. so i'm doing all this [ __ ] to make your.

body think that you're pregnant to. prepare. to then not have somebody like hand you. a baby it's the weirdest thing. so it's a real big emotional i mean. obviously you're a hormonal roller. coaster. but i'm just like about to have to start. shots in like a week like what. it's just the most outer body feeling do. they give you a prac like a. like a baby to carry around just like a. cabbage patch dog to take the. edge off um you know they can and. actually i think i should probably. request that i don't know why i didn't. ask for that in the beginning. yeah you get like a little papoose with. the baby and it's really just to see. like.

if you are suitable to be a parent yeah. to get an attempt at least something to. keep under your arm for an hour. you know what i'm saying just something. to take that little grit out of you yeah. and i asked my my husband um i said you. know like ideally when would you want to. have kids. he was it's just such a typical dude. answer he's like i don't know like five. to seven years. like the clock is ticking bro like i. don't have that he's like let's start in. like seven years i'm like. i'll be like well into my 40s it's not. going to happen. um after illinois wins you know like uh. we don't know when that's gonna.

be oh everything's around penn state you. know. he's just like yeah when penn state like. wins a championship and so i'm like. yeah good luck to you when they stop. molesting people yeah then maybe. but yeah they're in the wrong business. no people so many people have been. molested and called into this show so. it's totally. yeah that's nothing crazy yeah um what. else do we want to cover here let's. let's bring up another question that. came in uh from someone that loves you. and uh. and we'll see what we can do here. actually you know what i want to get to. real quick.

let's bring up that video of um we do. something on here where we do something. fun nice for single moms so we had. somebody who called in and submitted one. so let's get that video up real quick. if you don't mind riley mal oh. oh okay is your title nervous hey yo. it's cody from central pennsylvania. i wanted to nominate my co-worker kim as. a single mother. you know whenever we come back to our. office uh a bad day had a hard day. uh she's always a smiling face um cheers. us up.

a great woman you know she's raised. a good daughter got a good head on her. shoulders. um you know she's trying to take care of. her mother. um commuting to take care of her mother. as well um. and it's just been a little tough lately. um figured i'd reach out. but um gang gang gang baby thanks for. the call let's call kim real quick and. we'll just. i love that you do this let's give her a. call yeah look it's. uh it's nice that people support man and. i remember my mom always just like i.

just sometimes if she would have had. like a little extra cat just to do. something yeah just so she like a couple. of. hours you shouldn't have to think about. something you know like i feel like it. just would have helped her a lot. um but what do i know also let's see. let's call him up riley can you get that. lady on there kim is her name. yep he's on he's on by. oh god i cannot wait to set up riley i'm. so thrilled. yeah now that i want to see yeah you. know i'm sure i could eventually figure.

out something if something real. you know positive comes across your desk. let me know can you switch to the camera. so they can see me or riley or there we. go. she's gonna think i'm a damn pedophile. hey kim. yes hey my name is theo i'm just uh i. guess i'm a stranger really but. um i am calling you a friend of yours. i work on a podcast i'm a podcast guy. and a friend of yours called who was the. guy who submitted the video riley can. you tell me. uh cody cody a man named cody that works.

with you. reached out and he said because. sometimes we we. i was raised by a single mother. sometimes we do something nice for. single moms so he nominated you he just. said look. there's a lady that works with me and. sometimes i'm having a bad day or at. work we're having a bad day. and i see her and she always boosts my. spirits and she's been a great mom she. has a child and she's been taking care. of her mother. and it's just been a lot he said i've. noticed it might have been some extra. stress on her recently. so he just nominated you um.

and we just do a thing where we just. just give you a little financial gift of. a thousand bucks and you can go do. something fun. and um and that's all it is so we just i. know it's a lot of me talking. immediately out of the gate and i just. wanted to uh. to just let you know why i'm calling so. you don't think i'm some kind of pervert. or something. [Laughter]. well thank you so much theo i really. appreciate that that is really awesome. uh cody is an awesome friend and. co-worker. and uh when he told me that he he did.

this um i looked you up and i watched. one of your podcasts. um and enjoyed it very much so um. so this this is great in many ways. because he he opened my eyes to to you. and you're a funny guy so. and he said that you do great things for. people and. um just is wonderful well that's sweet. i'm gonna say that you know it's nothing. super big but. uh yeah sometimes it's nice to have a. little bit you know just something extra. to you. a little extra coin you go do something. you know do something take mom to the. skate park or something you know.

um what does your mom enjoy doing do. y'all spend any time what's. what's the time like that you guys spend. together well um. unfortunately my mom is ill right now. um and i just saw her a couple days ago. for the first time in over a year. because of cove and um so she's. struggling. um i'm trying to to help her. i live two and a half hours away from. her so it's not easy to see her on a. regular basis. um so i'm just trying to help her.

hopefully. move her closer to me i. and just take care of her um she's 71. um which is you know still fairly young. i think yeah but. oh yeah a lot of games of scrabble left. in that lady i think. yeah do you guys like to play a board. game or is there something you like to. do my mom and i like to play scrabble. sometimes. oh yeah well um not recently. um because i've been away from her for a. few years um.

we used to go to uh concerts a lot oh. damn. oh yeah we've been to you know anything. from rock to country to. it's pretty much anything um so so that. was really big for us for many years. oh wow and we're we're big washington. football team fans oh wow that's. incredible. um well you know what also i think maybe. um. we'll have to send her some nice flowers. or something we'll grab her address from. you you know so we can just.

you know and keep in touch and see if. there's some other way that we can help. out i don't know if i know anybody with. the washington football team. i'd say i'd get you some tickets over. there but i might though. i'm gonna have to ask around maybe we'll. see what we can do um. and we have heather mcmahon here today. too she's a comedian friend of mine. hello she might have some suggestions i. don't know what. what what what do you do with your mom. heather um. my mom's 73 and sassy i mean she loves. the home goods you know what i mean she. just likes to be bop around town. um yeah here's the thing we're gonna. figure out i'm gonna reach out to.

whoever i need to we're gonna get you. some tickets so washington game. oh i mean i feel like i'm well. lubricated well connected we'll figure. it out. yeah yeah could your mom go to a game. you think possibly one day or what do. you think. um i'm hoping as of right now no. just because of her medical issues right. now but um i'm. i sure hope that we can in the future. okay so that that is a little iffy right. now but. um it would be great to take her to a. game. it's been uh almost 10 years since we've.

been to a game. so oh dang well it's probably been that. long since the team's been decent too. so um probably a little over 20. okay. and you're still fans wow good on you. lifelong lifelong fan no matter how good. or bad. they do that's pretty cool yeah i i i. yeah you don't meet a mother daughter. uh football fan i haven't met it that. much i haven't i just want to say i. think it's so. fantastic that you're taking care of. your mom i moved back in with my mom and. my mom's 73 and just like the. these this time that you get uh with.

your parents just like hold on to it. because it's. you know you can't get those years back. so you're doing the lord's work you. really are. well thank you that's why i want to move. her closer to me so i can see her on a. daily and weekly basis um it's it's. really really difficult to have her so. far away. and and i hadn't seen her in almost a. year and a half and it was just very. difficult. i'm an only child i have an only child. my mom's an only child so we have like. the world's smallest family.

i think damn yeah and what what's the. biggest. thing preventing you from having her. close right now. um financial issues. yeah yeah um i i need to. figure out how to get her moved up here. um just moving costs. um and find a place that has some. assisted. she needs some assistance so um not. necessarily an assisted living place. but um day-to-day health to come in.

yeah on earth moving's expensive and. help like. nursing is so expensive so i hear you. it's. we looked into it for a family friend i. was like i never realized how truly. expensive it is yeah to get an extra set. of hands. you know it's it yeah and if you go. through the government and stuff it's. hard to get that. it's all these so much documentation and. you can't have a job a lot of times if. you want to get help it's really. it's really tough you know what i want. to i want us to help out as much as we. can so i want to stay in touch and see. if there's some way that we can't find. some.

um you know i don't want to promise. anything but just see if we can see what. the costs are in some of the longer term. kind of thing i know. uh when my mother's when her husband. when her second husband died one of her. biggest or as he got older one of the. tough things was my mother couldn't. claim any income because if she did she. couldn't get like. you know then she couldn't get. assistance and all this there's so much. rigmarole um. so anyway i bet your mom's so proud of. you though. she is she is very proud of me and and.

i'm proud of her too. um you know she was a single mom and uh. it was tough and. and now i'm a single mom uh of five. years i guess it's been and uh. yeah it's tough but uh but we're very. very close. and would like to continue that as long. as possible. well we're gonna stay in touch and see. what we can do to try and help out and. uh and just thank you so much and. and um yeah just thanks for answering. the phone today yeah and just. it just puts us in a place of just. remembering uh that we're. you know that everybody's kind of.

dealing with something whether it's big. or small sometimes and that um. it's nice to connect and think about. those things together right. right well i really appreciate your help. and your thoughtfulness it's really. awesome. um well these days it's really hard to. find. nice people that want to help out and um. i i greatly appreciate it. well that's sweet of you to say that and. yeah we're gonna stay in touch and see. what we can do to try and. i don't know i feel like we can be a. little more helpful though and so i just.

want to see. let's let's see what we can do and uh. and thanks for your time today. and um i hope you guys have a nice day. over there. okay well thank you so much theo it's. really nice meeting you thanks so much. for your help oh you bet take care have. a good one. all right take care okay bye-bye bye-bye. so sweet yeah that's got to be tough. when your mom's far away huh yeah. especially if you want to go and it's. like if you're still working and then it. take that you got to get that extra time. to go do that i'll say. after like moving back in with my mom.

now i've done it twice right right after. my dad died. i had like a period like i can't believe. i'm doing this and like i have a sister. and she's fantastic but her career was. she's an attorney and life was busy but. i like picked up and moved back home and. i was just so resentful for so many. reasons i was like mourning my the loss. of my father but also like my mom's. a young spirit like she can do stuff you. know it's not like i mean. god bless like she didn't need physical. help um but there were moments. now looking back i'm like i can never. get back back that time with my mom. and so my husband and i literally gave. up our apartment in new york and we've.

moved back in. with my mom now and we're like taking. over our house and all this and and. jeff my husband is like so into it and. he loves it but i just like have so much. [ __ ] fun with my mom now. like she's just the best and i'm like. it's the best decision. most people are like you live with your. [ __ ] mom i'm like yeah yeah i do. you rage and it's amazing you know like. i'm like i've never had more fun in my. life i don't want to hang out with. anybody my own age. she's 73 doesn't look a day over 40 and. she's just savage. she is unreal and it's the best.

i wonder if we had a show and it would. be like you and like. maybe you and your mom live together and. i'm like the brother that comes back and. lives with you guys. or something and you think i'm gonna. help but i don't help. yeah you just hang out in the basement. do bitcoin play fifa. uh-huh yeah yeah and i end up dating one. of your mom's friends. from the country club yes yes yes yes. and then like you you bring her home to. your basement yeah apartment. uh-huh uh-huh yeah it's not far off yeah. i like this. yeah but riley where do you fit in man.

we don't we still don't have a lady for. you man. yeah man i mean. i think uh if if uh heather you know. helps out. with uh i got you i think you i think. you got me i got you when's your. birthday. july 14th so what are you a cancer yep. oh we're going to get along. cancer and pisces okay we're going to. get along i got you. ladies if you're listening and you like. a kid you're not it's a lot of sad men. who listen to this. no offense guys i got y'alls back fam.

you feel me. baby there you go no joke. i'm sorry no no but i know they're sad. yeah i know they are i know they are i. can feel the energies just reads. really sad um and riley's giving me a. little i mean you're giving me. a little joy but mostly sadness. and i love that i mean i listen to this. podcast religiously so i live. for when you you know you just you give. like the least but i can get the most. from it yeah so i just need you to know.

that. even though you're doing the least i'm. getting the most and that's. what it's really all about riley right. so i got you i will find you a woman. with green eyes and. maybe one leg maybe two legs you know. yeah maybe three nipples i don't know. but it's gonna get freaky. but i will make sure she's a woman of. the lord there you go yes i got you. amen i got you got us good all the time. and all the time god is good yeah there. you go right yeah yeah yeah yeah riley. mao. yeah yeah let's bring one more question. from one of those listeners and then i. think we'll probably be good for the day. great because i've sweat through.

everything. it's kind of cute i think but oh oh that. is not one of my listeners. it could be it could be okay let's see. oh hey heather it's brent coming from. michigan and yeah heather i see you like. to travel a lot. have you ever had like a near-death. experience and if so where. and how did that go let us know okay. i love this the aggressive like what's. up it's a very michigan thing too. i think so you know what i mean just. like what is what is life. um near death experience uh let's see i.

mean. dude yeah i almost died in baltimore i. don't know if you've been to baltimore. i have it's basically the black maine. and yeah it gets a little. it gets a little a little crazy people. had warned me i was there for a show. and people had warned me they're like. just wait till um you see somebody doing. like the heroine. yes and they're literally like zombies. walking out and i played this club that. was across from like one of the. scariest movies was it was it no sorry i. need to quit interrupting no no no no. you're right um no i'm not no i think it.

was like. oh [ __ ] it was some i can't remember the. the place i remember. we rolled in we couldn't find food. anywhere yeah and we were saying like. they were like there's one street in. baltimore you can like stay in a hotel. there but you can get a sandwich here. everything was closed this wasn't during. covet this is. in 2019 i remember seeing during regular. time. like the subway was closed like a subway. sandwich was like i just need a [ __ ]. sandwich and then i came out and. everyone's doing the heroin lane oh yeah. and i'd never had a panic attack in my. life but for some reason like just the. energy of baltimore. i had a panic attack right before i went.

out on stage and i had to start the show. and like work through it so i did have. that moment where i was like okay. i i just did a show through a panic. attack so i can do. anything like anything that gets thrown. at me i'm like i got this. yeah and then when we got back out of. the theater it was more people doing the. heroin lean i was like we got to get the. [ __ ] out of baltimore. i just i don't get it and people from. baltimore got really upset they're like. our town's great we've got crabs. like if that's the only thing you have. crabs and spirit airlines like i don't. know. what i just don't see the draw i really. don't.

crabs are just suv shrimp brothers they. really are [ __ ]. this is a shrimp and armored truck. that's all it is bro i mean crabs are. great but. it's not y'all you know it's happening. under water you're not doing it i'd like. to see you do more above ground. yeah yeah i 100 at least dolphins come. out. they come out of the water that's all. they do hello pop. pop and pop out yeah i would love to see. a crab at least you know. give me something give me something yeah. but yeah baltimore's a wild place man. there's. i definitely i remember going there one. time and there was uh people. yeah kind of heroined out up top you.

know just kind of wandering around and. ufc had just come there for the first. time people were going insane. she had people that were fighting each. other in the street and then you had. heroin people just kind of like. refereeing. there was a a third world i can't it's a. third it's a fifth it gets. yeah it's yeah it's like a two and a. half world i thought about getting into. the ufc stuff i know you're a big ufc. guy but i have. some of the female ufc uh fighters that. follow me and i just expected these. women to like come up they came to one. of my shows in atlantic city. and i just expected them to be like. ripped and they were like half my size.

and i'm like you're in the [ __ ]. octagon. because like i feel like i'm built to. fight i'm a very like gentle person but. i'm just i'm very limber. like i got a high kick i'm strong you. know i feel like i would thrive in that. environment. but i don't know i know you're training. i could see i've been doing some. training yeah i like it i really like it. my. ribs got hurt i've fought in a lot of. the women in class uh i could see you. doing it yeah yeah. i could see any woman doing it it. definitely it's a confidence builder. and it's not about as much the fighting. when you're at the training it's just. more about like. learning how to like women will.

definitely learn to defend themselves. and how to like that's what i want too. yeah a lot of them know how to like. you know break someone's nose if they. come up behind me out of valet. you know i just want to [ __ ] some [ __ ]. up oh yeah yeah preservation. yeah you could do that you'll be. preserved after a couple of classes. i think yeah yeah i really i really. enjoy it i think it's fun. um and a lot of the fighters are really. nice people um do you only fight people. in your weight class. you're supposed to i thought i had a. blind guy there.

look it's really um i have a long way to. go. okay they have put me in blind females. and. most recently a blind gentleman yeah. albert oh sweet albert. well how'd it go uh he's [ __ ] good. yeah he's good man i think he used to do. gift wrapping or something like a macy's. so. he [ __ ] had me the best massage i've. ever had in my life was a blind man. yeah and he was like they you know they. warned me but this guy they're like. he'll change your life and you can feel. him feeling around the table and i'm. like yeah you lose one sense. you get a new sense in your hands i mean.

it was incredible he knew the body. like no one's business i was like i. really kind of only want blind masseuses. from here on out yeah you know yeah i. think. eventually sight will become a thing of. the past um. but just in general just yeah i could. see it phasing out. yeah i could yeah my hearing's going for. sure yeah. who needs i mean i think i was having. skin starts. to feel really like archaic almost like. in the future it seems like we'll have. some sort of a dip or something people. will be in.

like a paraffin wax that you just go in. and then that's all that's your new skin. something like doesn't it seem almost. our cake that we're still wearing our. old skin. it seems crazy that women are still. giving birth. with their actual body you know what i'm. saying something starts to seem a little. bit like. like you see somebody do it and you're. like oh this is going to become outdated. this seems almost oh i feel like an. alien right now putting all this [ __ ]. into my body and then i have to do the. shots and it's like. couldn't we have done this with like a. grapefruit like there's a lab somewhere. that could be growing this yeah.

you know barbra streisand what she paid. a bunch of money and like cloned her dog. and i'm like yeah it was. only like actually twenty thousand. dollars when you think about it for like. cloning an animal. i'm like yeah let's why aren't we there. yet right maybe we are i don't know. they haven't called me they haven't i. don't get the email you know it'll. probably start you know. at a start abroad first i'm sure because. we haven't too many regulations. you know here you know it's tougher to. get things passed here we'd probably. have a lot different stuff you know. yeah but well i mean you know good old. us of a. remains to be seen it remains to be seen.

a lot of things. uh heather man thanks so much for coming. in today thanks for having me yeah i. appreciate it and people can uh. check you out yeah check me out on. instagram yeah and uh. you can listen to my podcast the. absolutely not podcast absolutely. not not podcast and we'll put links to. all that right in the description and uh. yeah thanks so much for your time and. for coming in and for bringing your. childhood friend in. hey thanks for letting me sweat on your. couch this has been a real magical. afternoon. yeah we're gonna auction off that that. cushion actually yeah let's get weird. with it for all your sad. lonely male followers riley's probably.

going to keep that in fact. no it'll smell like testosterone riley. ooh. really i actually feel like there's been. a little sexual energy between us. i really do i do i mean do you feel that. way oh yeah. okay good good riley is i mean all he. has is sexual energy. honestly radiates it radiates sexual. energy and i don't think you're living. your truth so i think. i'm gonna get you with a broad shoulder. then ankled. just big titty blonde girl who loves the. lord.

you know he's in the youth about no not. youth sorry god no. no she's a youth group leader but she is. an adult. look let's be honest at some churches. she could be as long as she's kind of. like. as long as she's a pastor in training a. pit or whatever passer. yeah whatever it is you know but i see. it and i i. just asked one thing if i find you your. wife can i please officiate the wedding. sure hell yeah okay great. i love it look who knows what can happen.

magic. it could be how magic starts uh heather. thanks so much for coming in. thanks for having me now i'm just. floating. on the breeze and i feel i'm falling. like these leaves i must be. cornerstone. [Music]. oh but when i reach that ground i'll. share this piece of mind i found i. [Music]. but it's gonna take a little.

time for me to set that parking brake. and let myself. [Music]. i'll sit and tell you my story. [Music].

[Music]. and now i've been moving way too fast on. the runaway train with a heavy load of. my. pants. [Music]. and these rails that i've been riding on. they want something.