Free Magic | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #631

Good day. Good we call holiday. Christmas. Merry Christmas to everyone who is um. alive. I guess a good start, you know, cuz Yeah. And ghosts, I guess. If. there's some ghost. um ghosts, I guess. Do they celebrate. things like that? I guess they do. I I Yeah.

I wonder if it's fun celebrating. something if you're a ghost or not. Like. I wonder if you have a lot of friends if. you're a ghost. Cuz a lot of times people see one ghost. They'll be like, "Oh, we caught, you. know, somebody saw this ghost or. whatever. He was hiding behind a tree or. something. He was just being scared, you. know, you know, like just doing vowels or. whatever." Just, you know, but they never like, "Oh yeah, we saw. some some ghosts. some dope ass ghosts. um that were just [ __ ] balling that.

were hooping or something. Uh or just. like Yeah, we saw some ghosts. They were. uh vaping and you know laughing together. and maybe splitting a brownie or. something or just doing like something. fun. I Yeah, I don't know. I never. really thought about that. What are. Yeah. So, I don't Yeah. Anyway, doesn't. matter. All that matters is um is the. spirit. The spirit of Christmas. That's what's. going on right now.

It's that time you hear the music. That's what gets me into it. You know, they say it's Christmas. and they say it's Christmas now. Uh a. lot of the a lot of the radio channels. now it's like very Latino, you know. It's like um they said the newborn king.

and then you'll have one they said the. newborn king. that's what's up bro last night we let. the liquor talk. but yeah I love the Christmas mo the. Christmas the energy that's what I got. to embrace. you you know see somebody and you just. just give them a little hug or if they. don't like you to hug them I'll do this. sometimes I still take two hands tap.

them on the shoulder like that. give him that little penguin hug that. little that little perverted butterfly. hug justap. Some people don't like a damn hug. some people don't like a hug and. sometimes I don't. sometimes I'm a cactus. Don't touch me. But sometimes.

I just want to I just I just want a hug. I won't ask for a hug though. That's who I am. I ain't no hoe. You. feel me? Ho ho ho. Sorry. I know Santa. gets offended if you say I ain't no hoe. cuz that's his thing. But uh yeah, you. know, I won't ask for a hug. I'll stand. by you and look like I need a hug. or do some [ __ ] or just do some [ __ ]. like this, you know?

What's up? But I won't be the one to ask for a hug. But I'll need a hug, but I won't ask for a hug. Now, I'll. stand by you like, you know, I'll. loiter. I'll loiter right around your arms and. chest, but I won't ask for that hug. but I need. it, but I won't ask for it. So, that's. kind of who I am. Let's listen to a. little music to get us in the spirit and. then we're just going to get into some. calls from you guys. Um,

and thank you so much. Uh, thank you so. much for uh just letting us be together. right now. That's really nice. Here we go. Right here, this is uh. some sounds we like to check out every. year. And this is Christmas Miracle by. One Man Quartet.

[music]. That's nice. What's happening? H. M. This is [music] like nighttime kind of. There's a candle maybe. This is Santa. We're waiting for Santa. Everything's out and the kids are. [music] asleep.

This is kind of just the the ambiance. that's in the energy downstairs. If you. sneak downstairs and look at the tree, that [music] was the most fun. That was the most fun. As a kid would. sneaking down there and look, you'd be. like, "Oh, is he here yet?" And you knew. he wasn't there. It was just like 10:30. at night, the Christmas Eve. And you'd. go down there. and you all my siblings would all like. we had to come down the stairs and then.

go like around the edge of the wall and. then you could kind of see the living. room and stuff. There was still like the. like a little dinner table, but then you. had then you could see the uh the living. room. and And [clears throat] yeah, that was. it was just like his ear. Did he come? And we would all kind of like bottleneck. at the bottom of the stairs in our. pajamas and [ __ ] And we would like we. would be like, "Do no, you're not going. You're not going." And our sisters, they. were little. So they're like, "Fuck.".

You know, they didn't have any rights or. whatever at the time because they were. women also. And um and so we had to. you're like, "You're not going. We'll. tell you what we see." You know, and. they're like, "Tell tell us what you. see.". And then we'd sneak around and then and. then once we got around my brother was. older than me, so then he took. jurisdiction, you know, but he also had. bad eyesight. He was born, I think he didn't have his. levels in his eyes were off. He had, you. know, he didn't have enough water in his. eyes or something. So he'd have to. [ __ ] you know, he'd have to splash.

water in his [ __ ] eyes every 40. minutes so he could even get a gander at. anything. [ __ ] I remember at his. birthday, he'd miss the candles if he. didn't rub a little bit of water in his. eyes just to kind of, you know, sometimes if you if you heat up some um. if you heat up some uh leftovers, you. like I'll drile water on them. That's. how that's me. I'll crack open a. leftover if it's in a container. I'll. pour, you know, about a 11th of a cup of. water on that. Whatever. I don't care. what it is. Lasagna, piece of bread,

whatever. emphasiz whatever's going on, you know, hint of hint of spice, hint of. tomato, I will pour some I'll just drip. that [ __ ] out and then put it in the. micro and bam. But that was like my. brother. If he if he didn't, you know, if mom didn't spray a little bit of. water in his eyes right before he blew. out the candles on his birthday cake, he'd miss that [ __ ] He'd just be. spraying a. He'd spray just just be spraying a cold. right out into the distance. miss a.

whole cake. Um but anyway, so at that point, you. know, we my brother would be like and. once it once we turned the corner of the. stairs, it was me and him. So my sisters. were like at the back and and they. didn't know [ __ ] and they only knew what. we told him and we lied to them because. we were family. And so we would go and have to get. closer to the tree and sneak up and my. mom's bedroom was right off of the. living room. Um, and so we had to be. quiet and the carpet was kind of wet cuz.

our apartment was sinking a little bit. like by the kitchen area. And so you. [ __ ] bro your knees would start. getting all wet, you know, but it helped. my brother cuz he could just put his. hands into the carpet and then rub them. into his eyes and activate those. [ __ ]. So we would get closer and be like, "Is. he here? Is he here?" And then we would. just see we would see the tree and the. lights and it would just kind of look. like it had during the daytime a little. bit like definitely more mysterious and. nighttimey and the stockings.

and it was all just kind of magical. It was [music] just like a thing of like. possibility, you know, what were we. going to get? What was going to happen. tomorrow? Everything was going to be. [music] great. something new was coming, you know. It. was just. Yeah, there was just I don't know. There. was some just something just so magical. about that scenario. And I remember we had the colored lights.

on the Christmas tree and I didn't. really like them. They looked a little. cheesy, I thought, sometimes, but. at this time [music] at night, it just looked kind of nice. [clears throat] and the stockings. [music] just hanging there. and he like we'd have to just upold, go. back, go back. My brother would be like, "Go back, you little" or whatever. And. I'm like, "What?". [music] And uh and we get back to the. stairs.

and my sisters would be like, "What do. you see?" And be like, "Fuck you. You don't know shit.". Cuz yeah, we that's kind of family we. were. And uh but yeah, there was just. something beautiful about it. But no, we'd be like, "He's not here." Or. sometimes we would do this. Yes, all the. gifts are out there. He already came, but you guys have to go to bed. We would kind of take this superior role. with a lie. We'd be like, "He already came, but you. guys have to go to bed.".

Or maybe he's not coming. I don't know. We're one of y'all bad this year. What. have you guys been doing? Who's been. showing their tits or whatever out on. the street right by the highway? Cuz we. did live by a highway right next to that. [ __ ] Like if your hair was wet in the. morning, you could put it right outside. if there like right hang it out the. window at the apartment. And in the. morning, you know, that was high traffic. time. And if enough semis went by, just. the wind would whip up and just dry your. [ __ ] right into a beautiful look. God, you'd look good.

And people were like, "What do you have. in your hair? You like [ __ ] 18speed, you know? I got Damn, I got a damn Mac. I got uh Oh, just new winds off a Mac. truck.". So, but that was fun, man. That was a. good time. And that that music reminds. me of that a little bit. God, those memories were nice. You know, memories are so nice because. it can really take you into a place. Um,

oh, this is another this is another. song. This is hip hop ready for. Christmas. Let's listen to a little bit. of this. Okay. type [ __ ]. [music]. Christmas. [singing].

Okay. This one Christmas is going to get. a little bit black. You know what I'm. saying? Santa pulling up. Hey, this the kind of look like say if you're. a white guy and you see it, you're in. high school [music] and you see your. sister talking to uh flirting with a. black guy and you're okay with it.

This is the kind of music that backs. that up. Like, all right. Okay. Go ahead, Allison. She doing her. [ __ ]. So that's that kind of that's a. Christmas beat right there. I feel like. that kind of fits, you know? Yeah. If you see your sister flirting. with black guys at school and you were. okay with it, that's that heartbeat right there. That. black heartbeat, [music].

dude. You ever heard a black heartbeat? That [ __ ]. It's different, bro. Go put your ear up. to a black guy's chest, dude. which I. know sounds very dangerous, right? Overall, it's Yeah, black, they're not. going to welcome that. They're not. They're not going to do it. You know, a. lot of them turn turn into that guy. Who's that guy on uh that place for. Golden State or whatever that always. beat people and the media acted like it. was okay all the time? He would just. punch white dudes.

>> Draymond. >> Yes. Yes. That dude, that Yeah. which [ __ ] seemed hella. racial to me. But um. but yeah, that dude that was always I. think he did hit a mixed guy also. But. um yeah, so I'm just saying some guys. you could put your ear up to their. chest, they'll be they might be okay. with it. Some guys might get Draymond on. you. Uh but I think a black heartbeat is. different. That [ __ ] got drums. It got.

probably some 808 trap beat. Like if you. ever go to a doctor's office and he puts. the stethoscope and he puts it up to a. black guy's heart, he'll listen. sometimes for 20 minutes. There's. different tracks. There's [ __ ] You'll. have somebody feature on somebody's. heartbeat. You're like, "Holy [ __ ] this heartbeat. has it there's a you know, there's Lil. Dirks on it." You know, this is there's. Young Boy and Bailey Zimmerman. Like, what's going on? So, uh, like, damn. Holy [ __ ] What are. you You got some big X the plug in you.

So there's that that happens where oh. the white heartbeat is just like. but that black heartbeat that shit's got. it's got symbols. It's got um it's just. got different you know it's got. different level. They got a horn. section. That shit's trapping, bro. So that's. what I'm saying, bro. But this [ __ ] has.

a little bit of that Black Heartbeat. vibe right here. You. see you say Yui. So there we go. A little bit more. Christmas music right there. Getting. into it. Uh. we did have some calls that came in.

Uh the hotline is always 9856649503. Uh and we had talked about some things. in the last episode. We' spoken about, you know, people doing different. challenges. There was Movember where you. grow out a a mustache for uh epilepsy or. whatever. I can't remember. Um or there was six [ __ ] uh June or. whatever. What was it? 16 [ __ ] June.

>> Yeah, >> 16 [ __ ] June where people were only. doing 16 um deficitates in June for um. to support seizures or whatever. I'm not. even sure what it was. I think it was. seizures. Let me see. Let me look that. up. Six. 16. Sorry. 16 [ __ ]. June four seizures. Yeah. Yeah. For seizures. So you had. that, you had no nut November, you had.

40 fart March, you had all these. different things that people are trying. to do to support to raise causes, you. know, like remember a couple years ago. they were dumping ice on uh on people. with Down syndrome or whatever to help. them out. Uh. but yeah, anyway, we had some calls in. with people saying, "Well, what were the. what were similar things like that that. they'd had in their town? Is there. another one that you remember, Trevan?". >> Um I think it was actually 11 [ __ ] June. to get specific. So less than.

>> Anyways, um you talking about a call. that came in that I remembered. >> No. Was there any other ones that you. remembered that people do annually? >> Oh yeah. Um 2000 September. >> Oh yes. people only taking a certain. amount of steps in a certain month. Oh, sober October. That's another one. That's a big one. So, there's these. things that start to happen. Um, and. then people called in with a few of. their own. So, let's hit them right. here. Here we go. >> Hey, Theo. This is Sunny from Phoenix,

Arizona. And I just wanted to tell you. that every. >> Sunny, it's sunny in Phoenix. Come on. G. Oh, yall. Sorry, [snorts] but that's a sound I would make. if I were a cat. I'd be like, and then every now and then I'd be like, you're a or whatever. Anyway, let's hear. more, brother. Thank you for calling. >> Every year here in Phoenix, we do a. little thing called no burr October is.

where you don't actually get cold all. October long. >> Okay. >> And you know, it's actually not. something that anyone is trying to do. was just circumstantially so hot here in. Phoenix that no one ever gets cold the. entire month of October. You have to wear like no shirt on. Halloween. You got to wear a [ __ ]. costume on Halloween just to survive. >> I don't know. It sound like you're just. trying to meet guys or whatever out. there. But whatever, dude. I agree with.

you. It's a very sunburned area. You. know, I lived out there in Tucson for a. little while. You'll get sunburned just. looking at, you know, you go outside and. you're sunburned. You don't know what to. do. Dude, I would go get the mail and I. wouldn't know how to get back home. I. would be dehydrated. I would have to, you know, I'd have to have somebody from. the cartel help me get back to my yard, get have hire a coyote to get me to. So, yeah, it's alarmingly hot out there. Um, but you know, it that's the crazy.

thing. Sometimes people are like, "Man, it's I can't believe it's it's so hot. today." Like, no [ __ ] It was It was hot. yesterday. It was hot 700 days ago. It. was hot 58 days ago. So, you just don't. know patterns. That's the problem. You don't know how patterns work, dude. The deer, the reindeers are coming. Dude, the first time you had a Mexican. dude like singing um like Christmas.

carols that f like early Mexican dudes. that came to America, they didn't. [ __ ] know the words to them [ __ ]. homie. They did not know the words to. the Christmas carols, you know? They. like I'm dreaming. of a Christmas. more whites and others, you know, like be changing the lyrics to. try to diversify the portfolio a bit and. I respect it, but that, you know, it's.

just kind of wild, you know, they be. like, um, You don't. Hey. Hey, baby. They would just [ __ ]. kind of Hey, what's up? Huh? Let me see. that skirt, mommy. You're like, what the. [ __ ] Anyway, let's hear uh another one. that came in. Yeah, no burr. It's no. burr out there. It ain't cold at all. Let's see what we got here. Another one. came on.

>> What up, Theo? Jason here. >> Good day, Jason. And happy uh merry. Christmas to you, brother. Onward. >> Uh so you asked on episode 629 to give. some recommendations for things like no. no nut November and such. I one of the. coolest ones that I started doing about. 5 years ago was every day of May. challenge. So for every day of May, I do. a certain amount of push-ups. It started. off with every day of May, I'm going to. do a 100 push-ups. Uh, two years ago, my.

every day of May challenge was every day. of May, I'll do 500 push-ups a day. >> 500 push-ups, man. You're going to be up. then. You're going to be as up all the. way up. What? That's amazing. Onward. >> Every day of May, I'll do 500 push-ups a. day. Every day of May. I think it's a. really good thing to push on to people. I think it's it's a great way to kick. off. It's like the middle of the year. We've kind of all pissed off with our, you know, we stopped doing our yearly uh.

what do they call? New Year's resolution. New Year's. >> Yeah. You don't even know what it's. called, dude. So, obviously, you're not. getting it done. And that's fine. Sorry. Go up one more. >> Uh resolutions where you, you know, I'm. going to work out this year. Everyone's. kind of stopped already, but let you. know about that one since you did not. call it out. Wanted to let you know that. love you Theo. All of us fans love you. You're the best. >> Thank you, brother. I appreciate the. nice words, man. Every day in May. That's a nice one.

because it kind of takes on a challenge, you know? Like once there was this thing. that was going around a while back, it. was like 76 hard or something and it was. like you had to meet somebody that was. born in 1976 and show them your [ __ ]. You feel me? Uh anyway, [laughter] yeah, but that Yeah, some that's what you. would hear. Like that's an old trucker. joke. But uh but yeah, I like that every. day in May cuz that you're saying, "Hey, I'm going to do something here cuz. people have New Year's resolutions and. them [ __ ] are horrible." You know, my.

buddies was like, "Yeah." He's like, "I'm not going to stalk my ex and I'm. going to learn a new language." I'm. like, "Well, that's good. It's a lot." You know, it. just could be a lot. So anyway, I don't. know what I'm talking about. Who cares? It's the end of the year, dude. I'm I. used up all my good words throughout the. year. I'm at the bottom of the bag, dude. I'm just down here shaking vowels. around, you know? You know what stopped. me from investing in the past was uh. just that I I I didn't know I didn't.

know the value of putting away a little. bit at a time. I didn't know that it. builds on itself, that it can create. more, which can create more. I didn't. know that time was really my greatest. asset. I felt like I just didn't have. enough money at the time. Acorns is the. financial wellness app that cares about. where your money is going tomorrow. Acorns is a smart way to give your money. a chance to grow. It's easy. You can. sign up in minutes and start.

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goodbye to pay-per-view and hello to. Paramount Plus. Stream every fight live. with one subscription. Visit. paramountplus.comfc. to get started. That's. paramountplus.comfc. That's a good one. Every day in May. Here we go. We got another one that came. in. >> Hey co, this is Charlie uh from. Cincinnati. >> Charlie from Cincinnati. [clears throat].

Shout out Charlie. Boy. Hey, I just wanted to call in and. comment on the uh you know, you talking. about 2000 September, we got uh oh, what. do you say 11 [ __ ] June? >> It's 16, but yes, onward. >> You know, my me and my family um a lot. of times around the holidays, what we'll. do, you know, we'll do a uh and maybe. not me personally, but I I know uh a lot. of the a lot of the ladies in my family, they like to do a a 40 Queef Quanza,

>> if you know what 40 Queef Quanza. Wow. [snorts] Yeah. I um. yeah I I I didn't even know it, you. know. Gazun tight. Uh yeah, let me get. you let me get your family a box of. Kleenex, brother. Let's hear more, brother. >> If you know what I'm saying, uh let me know if uh if you know anybody. in uh in your life that that likes to do. a 40 piece Quanza. >> Let me let you know. I don't know. You. told us about it, so I don't even know. about it. That's new to me. Um but.

that's a great one. That is a great one, man. And that's tough, I think, to to I. don't know how you exactly arrange that. because I don't know if that's a. seasonal thing. I don't know if that's. definitely like something that happens. more in the spring to women because of. uh pollen, if that's a bigger. if that brings it on or whatever. Um, [sighs]. all right, let's get another couple of. calls here.

that came in. All. right, Dio. Um, I've been uh I've been watching you for. a while and I really like uh I really it. really helps uh with the situations. people go through hearing them out and. uh. it just makes everything easier. Right. now I'm going through a situation I. didn't ever think I would be the one to. be calling you, but it just things end. up how they are. I just need some advice. right now and I don't know what to do. um. my girlfriend. Um I've been with my. girlfriend for 4 years and.

>> Okay. Thank you, brother, for sharing. that information. Let's hear more. >> And um she's basically I'm I'm 22 to. start off. I'm 22. She's 19. We started. we started dating young about 4 years. ago. And uh she really changed my life. and I wasn't on the right path. And uh. she helped me out a lot and she got me. through addiction. She got me through. all of my problems in my life and I I I. left my house to be with her. I left my.

home with my family when I was 18 years. old. I I wasn't living in a in an ideal. spot. So, I I decided to leave and. pursue a life with her. And we it it. it's we've been up and down over the. years, but it just came to a point where. I guess she got bored or tired or I. don't know cuz she she just lost. interest in me. And we recently decided. to split, not split, but just like take. a break. and I left the apartment that. we lived in for a little bit to go be. with my family just for like a month or. two just to take some time apart. And um.

I just received the text a week ago that. she ended up getting pregnant by another. guy. >> And um. it's just uh just hurts. I just don't. know what to do. I don't know who to. tell. I don't know. >> Well, thanks for uh yeah, thanks for. letting us know what's what's going on, brother. Yeah, if you leave your. apartment for a month or something and. somebody and your and your ex or your. girl gets pregnant, that's a tough. thing.

That's wild. You know, if I'm real honest with you, when you talked about the buildup to you. guys relationship, you said that, you. know, she helped you get through. addiction, she helped you with this, and. she kind of helped solve all your. problems, and you guys moved in. together. It felt like to me. uh that you were putting way too many. you was putting way too many candles on. the altar of her for y'all's uh for your. well-being.

You know, like she's the reason for all. of these things as opposed to you're the. reason for some of them. or you guys' union I think can be the. can be a catalyst for more positivity. But to put that much energy where it's. like she was the reason everything got. better and I left my family to be with. her, it just um. that feels like it's a lot. It feel like. a lot of pressure, which is okay, bro. I. mean, I definitely Yeah, I put way Yeah.

I had like when I was in a relationship, it would be like this girl was almost. like, you know, it' be like a girlfriend, but. also like times [ __ ] was like she was. like my mother. It was just like there. was all this weird other energy that I. was attaching that I didn't know it to. the relationship I was in. So I was. expecting. like this girlfriend to be so many. things. Um. and more than a human could really be. cuz you know you got to be on you know.

you got to stand on your own business of. your of your own feelings in your heart. You got to have 10 toes on you. Uh, so yeah, I just felt like, man, that. felt like you were putting a a lot on. that. Um, and no judgment. I'm not. judging. I'm just kind of looking at it, dude. Yeah, I was like the Oh, one time I stayed with a girl that I. was, you know, I thought I was in love. with them, but really I was just I. didn't want to be alone type [ __ ] I.

also, Dude, I once stayed with a girl. This is. the worst thing to even admit. God, I. feel horrible. I stayed with a girl that. I couldn't stand. I couldn't really. stand her. I loved her also though at. the same time. And if and that's how. love works. You know what I'm saying? Love I'll give. you a bouquet of flowers, but it'll have. a uh it'll have a knife in the middle of. it. You know, that's just how love is. kind of. But dude, I stayed with this girl one. time because I didn't want her to find a.

guy. I didn't want her to find a guy. that would actually. uh care about her. That's crazy, bro. That's crazy. And I feel I didn't know. at the time that's what I was doing. And. [snorts] but yeah, that's what I was. like, man, I'm not breaking up with her. because she might find somebody that. actually cares about her. [ __ ] that's. crazy. Does that sound too crazy to even say, Trevan? >> No. I mean, I think it's like the. mentality if I can't have her, no one.

can. [clears throat]. >> Yeah. Yeah. just like desperate young [ __ ]. you know, that Romeo and uh Julian type. [ __ ]. you know? And that's the street version. of Romeo and Juliet. Romeo and Julian, bro. And that's gay, too, bro. Romeo and. Julian sounds hella gay. Hollywood will. probably come out with it in a week. Romeo and Julian.

All right. [ __ ] it. I forgot to even give this guy. a suggestion. But yeah, I think if she. got I think it's just it's it's time to. let it go. It's time to move on and. and it's time to tell yourself like uh. because it's it's it's tough to put the. responsibility of our own feelings about. our self onto our self. It's easy if I can be like, "Oh, if. she's mad at me or if this is good or.

this is always a problem with her, then. then that keeps me from dealing with. anything about me.". You know, I would always have a problem. when I was in early relationship. I'd. always have a I would jealous ton of. jealousy. Oh, I was so jealous. So, yeah, I think it's tough, bro. It's. tough to look at ourselves. because if I have somebody else then it,

you know, but if I just got me, oh, how scary does. that feel? That's why when I see a candle, I'm. always like, that [ __ ] is brave. When I see a fire, that's just like a. big orgy or whatever. That's just a big. orgy. But I see a candle. I'm like, damn, that [ __ ] is standing on business. right there. So, yeah. Look, man. And if they're.

having a child or they're in love or. something, don't get in there and be. raising that child or whatever, buying. that little uh little little little tie. Don't don't be buying that little. whippers snapper, a little bicycle or. whatever, or get him a little uh shifer. robe or something. Don't be doing all of. that [ __ ] Don't go down that path. I think you got to stand on your own. [ __ ] and get out of get out into your. own life, bro. That's what I feel like. And also, God. bless, bro. Type [ __ ].

I'mma do a hat toss for you, bro. Shout out 845 hat toss, bro. All right, we got a thing right here. The fella call up. >> Hey, Theo. Uh, I just been listening to. a couple of your podcasts a lot recently. and I'm thinking about proposing to my. girlfriend. Uh, three and a almost four. years. Um, what's some advice that you would.

give on doing that and what's something. I could add into doing it? >> Well, look, I think you got to add some. you have to add some something to it. You have to add some charm because. here's the thing. An engagement is kind. of the first real moment of a marriage, right? And if that means something, if. you put something into that, you're. going to put something in everything. Maybe. I don't know. I might be out of. my mind. What? I I don't know. But I saw. this one the other day, and this one. kind of disappointed me a little bit. And this is a fellow. You can't see. this, but this is a fella in a uh in a.

small home. I believe I believe it's. trailer home probably. Um and he's. asking this lady. to marry her. He gets up in the living. room um near the television. It looks. like Mass Singer or something is on, but. that's not part of the engagement story. It's just he's standing up and they got. a series of uh a pitbulls running. around. Beautiful little animals running. around. And here we go. He stands up and he's. got a a ring with him. Here we go. And. he's beckoning her to get off of the. couch to come over and and see him. And.

I believe the mother-in-law or a friend. is recording. Let's go. >> Come here. >> Are you going to fart? >> Come here. >> Oh, >> you want to dance? [clears throat]. >> No. Oh, >> baby. >> Yeah. >> And that's it. She takes the ring, doesn't even hug the guy, walks over to. the sofa. So, yeah, that it's just a w. like he he he get kind of gets down on.

her knees like or he's standing in the. living room and he's like, "Come over. here. Come here." I mean, that's not a. way to start. Come here. Come here. you. know, like your [ __ ] Mortal Kombat. like. uh and then here's the craziest part. She goes, "Are you going to fart?" Like. that's where you know, and that's almost. beautiful, I guess, in a way. because it's like. that if you did do a nice fart or. something during the holidays that you'd. want your loved one to be there for it.

That's there's something very tribal. about that and very um. you know uh symptomatic or something. maybe. I don't know. But but yeah, but. in this instance, you can just tell it's. not. So anyway, yeah, you don't want to. beckoning your girl over to hit the need. to propose and she thinks, "Oh, you're. going to fart and you want me to get. over there and be a witness to it." Now, also having someone to witness a great.

fart is. it's nice, but I think it's also nice. like one of my favorite things that. Shane Gillis ever told me was that um. when he was in high school, they would. sit in the pews because they were at uh. Catholic school and they would sit in. the pews during mass. and every now and then somebody would. just rip a just rip a butt wrangler off. of the wooden pews and and just s and in. and during complete silence when all.

your friends were in there and. [laughter] it would just be I still. think about I still laugh at that. sometimes when I'm walking around. So. yeah, there's different degrees of. handling that. But you want to do. something nice. You want to do something. that means something. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So just being. creative. Be creative. Get creative. Make something. And it can be it can be silly. It can be. kind of ridiculous. It could be a. scavenger hunt. It could be maybe you um.

feed the ring to an animal. Maybe you guys like to hunt, right? So. you you you hide the ring in some feed. for an animal. The animal eats it. Then. you guys go out hunt. um hunt the animal. You get the animal. butchered or whatever. And then she you guys are cook you make. the meal. Bam. is venison or something. You crack it open.

and yeah, will you marry me? And then uh. so I'm Yeah, there's different ways to. do it, but that's it. I just think make. it mean something, man. And whatever. that means to her as well, like what would make her think it's. nice? What would make her. what would mean something, you know? Just don't let it be a fart, bro. All right, let's get into another call.

or two. >> What's up, Dio? It's uh Jack from good. old Midland, Texas. >> We did a shot there in Midland, man. Thank you for the call, Jack. Onward. >> And um. I don't know. I was just going to talk. about I feel like sometimes I I get I. get a rush to grow up. I'm 18 years old. Uh I graduated high. school as a junior. Um I'm already.

working. Like I don't know. Sometimes I just feel. like I get in a rush, man. Like like I. need to slow down, but I also need to. get my life together. I don't know. I. was just going to see Vice Gang. Thanks, brother. Thanks. Sorry to cut you off. Uh, thank you for the call. Yeah. Oh, dude. I've [sighs]. I rush through everything.

I Yeah. I don't want to be in anything. I don't want to Oh, I got to be here. I. got to I got to do. Yeah. I got commitment to the I got commitment. sometimes just to life to moments. I. [sighs and gasps]. you know it's hard to slow it down. enough. But I think also some of that rush is. you want to be able to control things. Well, if I can get freedom to have some.

money, if I can get freedom to have me. own place, if I can get freedom to have. me own car, me own wheels, me own uh. station wagon or whatever, me own. wheelbarrow, me own pressure washer, you. know, me own bass boat, me own. girlfriend, me, you know, then you're. controlling. You're not in anybody. else's orbit really. You're in control. of things. So, some of that's kind of. nice, you know, when they say discipline. equals freedom as well. I mean, Jo. Willink preaches that and that you get.

things going, you get things organized. and get things cracking. I mean, even if like I talk about with. that investing app and stuff that I. like, it's like uh you know that. planning ahead and that strategizing, it. helps. You know, if I have invest a. little bit of change early, I'd have. money now. So, I think there's there's some there's. a lot of value to that. But D. Yeah. But. yeah.

Oh, dude. I always want to get through. this to get to that. Oh, it'll be better. then. Well, let's just get to that. I'm always out here. looking in the distance. And I'll be tripping over beautiful [ __ ]. while I'm just looking at for that who. knows what that's a million miles away. Um, and I don't know if it's bad or good. I. think you like you're saying like you.

said right in here. You said, let's play. it. >> Um, I'm already working. Like I don't know. Sometimes I just feel. like I get in a rush, man. Like like I. need to slow down, but I also need to. get my life together. >> Yeah. Slow down, rush, get, you know, get my life together. >> I was just going to see if I. >> Yeah. So that's it, man. You're you're. doing fine. Meditation will help you. slow down for sure. It'll give you a. little bit of peace even in moments of.

uh overwhelmingness. So that's that might be all you need. You're [clears throat] really sticking. to some meditation, man. That way you can be going fast, but. you're slow on the inside, baby. You're. in control. You got a cockpit. You're. not just running around with your [ __ ]. type [ __ ] boys. Praise God. That's. what's up. HEY, SANTA. HEY, let's say you write a letter to Santa. telling him how good you've been this. year, and then you hand it to your mail.

carrier, but your mail carrier is the. Grinch. There's a reason why you wouldn't let. the Grinch deliver holiday mail, just. like there's a reason why Morgan and. Morgan is America's largest injury law. firm. When you have a problem, you want. experts to handle it. Morgan and Morgan. has a proven track record of fighting. for the people for over 35 years. With. over $25 billion recovered for their. clients, Morgan and Morgan knows a thing.

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>> Yeah. So I went I thought it'd be a fun. thing to take my wife to a rage room and. we went out for dinner first and. everything was good. We wasn't arguing. or anything and we went in this rage. room. Hell, she started beating the. beating the piss out of me. and. really pissed me off. I don't know why she done it,

but kind of turned me on. I wanted to. swing back, but she had a bat in her. hand, and that didn't look didn't look. too fun. But it would have been kind of hard to. fight her when I was bricked up, you. know, but we went home and had a quiet. ride home. As soon as we got home, I was. so bricked up, I just ended up. just plowing that thing, you know, like.

uh like, you know what I mean? >> Oh, yeah. 40 acres in a mule, baby. >> I was wondering your advice on that. I. don't even know what brought it on. But. >> well, look, there's something if you. watch a woman beat the [ __ ] out of a. damn Honda Civic or whatever. and break all the windows and headlights. out of that [ __ ] with a baseball bat. and you don't get a wreck. then you some kind of little hoe.

I mean, [ __ ] like that turned me on, dude. Especially where I grew up, dude. Every. now and then you'd see a woman come out. there angry at her husband or some guy. that was having sex with her and not uh. and not claiming her. And uh you'd see a. woman come out there and beat the. [ __ ] and just beat the dang uh. headlights out of his um Caprice. Classic. God,

hell yeah. That's No, man. There's nothing wrong. with getting erect if you see a woman. beating the [ __ ] out of something with a. bat. I mean, that's why I love the whole. movie of uh League of Their Own. That's. what the whole movie is. So, there's nothing wrong with that. God. Yeah. Now, you're all so lucky. I can't keep. an erection around broken glass.

Cannot do it, dude. If my wiener hears a. window of shatter within probably 80. yards, that thing. just punks a tiny fills right into my. nuts, baby. That thing won't be out. [snorts] That thing just saw its shadow, dog. Eight more weeks of winter down. Yeah. But God. Yeah. I used to love that type. of [ __ ] [clears throat]. in our neighborhood. This lady used to. make me go sit in her car with her and.

she'd be all drunk drinking dairies. Miss Carol, that was her name. And she'd. be drinking daquiries over there. and she would just tell me she wish I. was old enough to drive. I wish you were. old enough to drive. I'd let you drive. me somewhere. God, I was so [ __ ] erect. I couldn't. even. God I couldn't. My [ __ ]. scoliosis was cured. I was just like, "Oh god." And then [snorts] she'd get.

out. Sometimes she had cut off pants on. and she'd get out and rub her little. butt like rub the bottom of her butt on. the damn warm headlights of that car, that vehicle. That's back when headlights used to get. warm. Them [ __ ] used to get warm and. she'd just be bending over kind of. drinking that daiquiri and rubbing her. little tail on that warm light. Wish you could drive me. God damn, brother. Hell yeah.

God, I couldn't even I didn't have. enough blood flow in my eyes at that. moment. [clears throat]. I just had so much erection going on. I. didn't even have any blood in my eyes to. keep me active. I could barely see. It's. like my damn like my damn brother. He. had to come over and rub some of his. water in my eyes. Just so that's just. Yeah, it must be a family optical. disease that we got in certain moments. But. but God is good, brother. At least you. have a wife. At least y'all are going. out and doing something. Yeah. Taking.

your wife to a rage room. That's cute. All that matters is what what am I. putting into the relationship? Whether. I'm getting married, whether I'm uh. doing an engagement, you know, what am I putting into this. thing? Am I trying to make some moments. special? Because if I don't make some moments. special, that ain't going to be no. special moments. That's that's the most. I realize this about life. You know, sometimes it'll be like, man, nothing's nothing's exciting. Nothing.

Well, things just aren't exciting. They're not just going to be magic. You. got to, you know, you got to be your own. David Blaine sometimes or Chris Angle or. Kurt Angle even. [ __ ] I don't care if. you wear a damn leotard while you do it. or uniard and bodys slam somebody, but you got to bring the magic. [sighs]. Except at Christmas, that's when there's just something kind. of built in, you know?

There's just something kind of special. about it. Just that sound, those kids coming down. the stairs. You see that Christmas tree, boy. And I'd come later at night, too. We all. would. I think I I bet if I asked my. siblings, we all kind of did. People. would wake up at a certain You just woke. up all night during [music] Christmas. time. You sneak down and at some point the. presents would be out. You're like, "Oh,

they're hiking.". And half the cookies would be eaten. I'd. I'd eat one I' I'd eat two bites out of. that [ __ ]. Hell, sometimes I'd come down early and. the cookies and milk hadn't been eaten. yet. I'd eat [ __ ] I' I'd [music] drink. half that [ __ ] and eat one of them. [ __ ] My mom was like, "Who was. here?". But yeah, you come down, [music] you see. that tree all lit up. And that was one of the nicest times to. kind of go back to bed. Then.

you were just excited. It wasn't really. about the gifts. It was something about. the magic of it. There [music] was free magic. Yeah. It just meant something. And that was beautiful. Those [music]. were beautiful times. That Christmas. spirit. That Christmas spirit, man. There's.

something to it. There's something to it. I want to wish. everybody a merry Christmas. And uh. and I'm trying to think of anything else. that. needs to be said. You know, it's a special time of year. It's a special time to forgive ourselves. and forgive others. [sighs]. Just to let go, let go of the ways we've done it.

Yeah. Ask God to help us have a new. year. You know, the Lord sent his son, baby. That crazy baby. Yesus, baby. Yahweh, baby. to take away the sins of the world. So let him do it. Let him do it, baby. Lord, drive a dump. truck into my heart and take away all.

this. all this confusion, pain, uncertainty, control, anger, hatred, vitrol, and self-infliction. Take away. Just. take it. Take it and recycle me, baby boy. recycle me. Um,

yeah, I love you guys. Thank you guys so. much for letting me be a part of your. year. Uh, there is some fun stuff that we're going. to be doing in the new year. I'm. excited. I want to add some new things. to the solo episodes that are uh that. are going to be more like regular. occurring type of things. So, I have. some like just like light plans and. strategy. You want to we want to talk to. more miracles. You know, we've had a couple miracles. We had that one fell that was doing dope.

that fell off that building and he fell. 13 stories or whatever. And uh he passed by some of his. neighbors, remember? And saw them. smoking dope on their balcony when he. went when he fell. Pretty crazy. And. then our um our other fella got hit by. two trains, baby. Two trains. And God. And he survived. He had. headphones on and got hit just. god dang brother sometime woo you wish. the Lord would just g give you a cross.

walk. give me a cross walk. yeah that was Dalton Dalton baby two. trains. we got to check in with Dalton but we. need we want to add more miracles to. next year if you have experienced a. miracle miracle or someone you know in. your life that has experienced a miracle. that have felt the powers of the great. beyond keep them safe.

in a moment that could not have happened. otherwise. Hit the hotline 9856649503. or you can contact um the producers. through the email on the uh theon.com. site. Um. yeah, that's all we got. It's been We're. happy to be alive and who knows what it. looks like. This may be the last year. we're allowed to celebrate Christmas. I'm not sure what they have uh planned. for us, but we're going to keep. fighting.

We're going to keep fighting. Um and. we're excited. uh to try to do that and to learn as we. go. Trevan, what are you thinking? >> I dig it, man. Merry Christmas. >> Merry Christmas to you, too, man. Merry. Christmas to you, too. [sighs and gasps] Uh, our producer put. in this notes right here, our other. producer, Zack, and Merry Christmas to. him. Nick Andrew Baxter, Raleigh Mau, who knocked a woman up. Gosh,

that's crazy, dude. But that's how it. is, bro. Like, you know, I think he had sex five times. in that fifth time he made a child. boy. Bro, you got to you got to use that. syrup sparingly, homie. Dang. But it is what it is. I remember when I. learned about condensed milk, dude. The. second I had one taste of that stuff, I. like, dang, this shit's good. And then. you want to use it, you want it on. everything. But you can't put it on. everything, Rally. [snorts] All right,

here we go. One more call from the. hotline before we end the year. And next. week, we'll have a best of episode. And. then we may have a week off. I'm not. sure. We may not. We'll see what's going. on. But uh I love you guys and uh you. guys be good to yourselves. Thank you. And thank you for all just all the. support. There's so many nice things. that I never get to say that happen, nice messages people send or nice things. people brought out to shows. Um.

I mean just alt like there's so many so. much uh kindness has been extended. towards me by you guys and um thank you. I love you and I appreciate it. [snorts]. Here we go. >> Hey Theo, my name is Jake and. >> what's up Jake? Thank you for calling. onward. I'm feeling a little emotional right. now, but in a really good way. Um, I'm.

in the military. Uh, I've been in the. army for over six years now. >> Thank you for your service, Champard. >> And, um, I'm currently driving home to. go spend Christmas with my family for. the first time in. four years. And. I just wanted to, you know, thank God. that I'm able to do that. And I want to,

you know, reach out to all my fellow. soldiers who listen to your great. podcast and just say, you know, if. you're able to go visit your family, I'm. very happy for you. And if you're not. able to, if you have to spend it. somewhere where you don't really want to. be, you know, I I know how it feels. I I. know a lot of other soldiers know how it. feels. And, you know, it sucks, but.

we're here for you and stay strong. I. know it sucks missing holidays, birthdays, you know, kids birthdays. >> and all of that. So, you know, thank. you, Theo, for what you do. You've. gotten me through a lot of these years. that I've spent away from my family. And. um, you know, prayers to you and your. team and prayers to all my fellow. soldiers out there spending Christmas.

with their family or without them. Love. you, brother. >> Amen. Amen, man. Yeah, that's the feeling. That's the feeling. That's the candle. [snorts] That's the pilot light I needed. right there. when I'm pulling up to my families or. I'm going to walk into my home be just. to be grateful that I get to be there. for the positive or the neg whatever it. is. for the apple pie or the uncooked dang.

chowder or whatever somebody made one. time forgot to boil the dang things and. everybody got dang dysentery whatever. clams or whatever whatever. Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing when I when. I for the good, the bad, whatever it is. that there's people that don't get it. There's kids who are going to have to. spend the have to do their holidays over. Zoom with a with a loved one. There's a. parent that has to do that as well.

A soldier. who's having to make that who's made. that choice in their life. and it's a choice they made, but still. it's one I'm not brave enough to make or. haven't been. So yeah, so to take some time to. acknowledge that, pray for those. families and that peace. and yeah, just to know that you soldiers. aren't alone that have to that have to. do put that put that energy into the. world. These people, they're not alone.

And we pray for them and their their. kids grow up healthy and uh nurtured and. taken care of that. We pray for the. confidence of their spouses who are at. home on the front lines with their. children. holding things down, having to kind of be one parent. Um, not. one parent, but be do most of the. hands-on parenting. Uh, and we pray for those people and those. soldiers that when they get to spend.

time with their comrades during the. holidays away from their family that. they feel some sense of joy and peace. and love. Yes. And so light a candle for those. people this time of year. Yeah. Maybe I need to Every time I'm. lighting a candle, I'm thinking it's for. my own light. Why don't I light one for. somebody else? for a prayer and peace for somebody. else's joy. or possibility.

for a moment that's not mine. Yeah, those are great things to pray. for. Dude, I watch those Soldier Coming Home. videos all the time and God, [sighs]. I will just. I will just start balling right into a. dang bag of ruffles. And then they do the dog sometimes and. sometimes low key the dog does not know. the person. I'm like this [ __ ].

something's going on here. But. yeah, sometimes at the airport you'll. see somebody waiting for somebody like. with flowers and a sign or something. Oh, or when the soldiers, one time I was. in Chicago and I think it was I don't. remember the airline. Um, but a bunch of soldiers had just gotten. back. They'd all just gotten back and. they were like walking all back. I mean, like hundred and they were all It was.

just like this huge thing. It was like a. special moment. Um, but thank you, brother. Thank you for helping us think. about that. That's the That's the. feeling. That's the candle. And you guys. be good to yourselves. Uh, let's go. Let's let's go out with some. music here. And and and the music we've. played already is from One Man Quartet. that played Christmas Miracle. Um, and. Ready for Christmas was by Zoro. And then this song we're going to play.

right here on our way out. We wish you a. merry Christmas by Timothy Infinite. Merry Christmas to everybody. Love you guys. Glad we got to spend some. time together today. [bell]. [music].

Hey, Santa. dog. I heard blitzing is a [ __ ] homie. Wherever you are, good tidings for. Christmas and a happy new year. Wish you a merry prancer's a homie.

>> [music]. [bell]. >> Merry Christmas everybody. God bless. you. Um and head into a happy new year. while I will meet you there.

And uh praise God, man. Be good to. yourselves. You deserve it.