Feeling That Yule | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #251

Hey, hey, hey. You What did the horse say to the um. other uh to the chicken on Christmas? Hey, hey, hey. So, today's episode is brought to you by. Greyblock Pizza. If you want something. and you can't and you think you can have. it and it's pizza, then you're doing. great. 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to. the beach. Gray block. Get that hitter.

Merry Christmas to you. Merry Christmas. to you. [Music]. Feeling. [Music]. alone,

kind of misty, waiting now. for you to come. M. romance. again. we'll be warm. sitting by the fire. and dream. againisp.

and that is some romance modern jazz. Christmas there by Blma. Person. and that is Bulma Person there with a. song called Christmas Moment. Let me pull up something else that's. really Let me pull up fire up another uh. here. Here we go. One right here. [Music].

Oh yeah, that's a Wild West. Get on your horse. Get a gun and get. some dang Christmas. [Music]. right. Oh, but I'm in coana. turning up for Santa, but I'm getting on. a plane.

A boat or a train. I'm sitting under course. bearing straight to north. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I'm not going to leave. you hanging by yourself. Hold on. Hold on. And that is a song.

right there. That is uh Tam Tamisha. Alexander with Santa. Hold on. Happy holidays to you. Merry Christmas. to you. And that's what I say a lot of. time. Merry Christmas. And that's how I. leave it. Oh, it's that time of year. It's good to be here. I hope that you. are just. honestly I hope you're wherever you are. I don't care what where I don't wherever. you are. I hope you really fired up.

about it and you feeling that ule, baby, you feeling that ule, you know, cuz this is that time when you can just, you know, you could kind of grab. somebody's cheek a little and w and and. uh wiggle it. Hey, hey, hey, buddy. Merry Christmas. This time when you could pet a little, you know, pet a neighbor, son, touch him. on the head. Hey buddy, you're doing. great. you know, stay out of my yard, but you're doing great.

It's that time. It's that holiday time, you know, and it's it's really when you. think about Christmas that they had a. baby in the desert. And I've talked about this before, but they had a baby in the desert. First of all, very dangerous. I don't. know if you ever been to Arizona, but. you don't see a lot of babies. A lot of. children won't even come out of the the. the the.

homesteads or the or the buildings until. they're five, six, when they got enough. hydration in them. They got them oiled. up enough. Cuz a baby, the desert is the complete. opposite of a baby. You know, a baby is um is is look it's. like gushy kind of and got fat like a. little its fat look like muscle. You know, a lot of time you'll see a.

baby and it's fat look like muscle. You'll see a lot of its arms look like. he's jacked but he's only 20 pounds. You. know, you're like, damn, is he jacked? No, he's just he's just he's fat, but. he's it's stylish. There's the fat is never as stylish on. us as it is when we're a child. And the desert is dry. It's grainy. It's. sound like that. It doesn't There's.

nothing slick about it. So, a baby, if you put a baby in the. desert, man, it's lights out. So to think that a long time ago. for Christmas that a baby was born and. put in the desert, man. And uh and then a bunch of men went out. there to see him. And that's where it. really does get wild. I get, you know,

I get but I also if I think if somebody. said, "Hey man, they got a baby out in. the desert." Think about that. You're somewhere, you know, you're at a. Hardies or you're somewhere, you know, you're just parked in your. truck somewhere just thinking about your. wife or something or anything, you know, doing whatever. You're doing video. games, whatever. And you and somebody. nudges you or something. Hey buddy, they. got a baby in the desert. You would go see it.

You would go see it. That's an easy one. some people maybe Chris Deia would be. like I ain't gonna see that baby you. know. but but any regular. you know mentally. decent male would go see that baby and. so that's what's beautiful about the. story of Christmas is they had a baby in. the desert some people went out there a. couple donkeys went out there and [ __ ]. got real sentimental.

and um and that's beautiful. And that's it. And here we are fast. forwarding to the year 2019. and this thing is wrapping up. This year is almost wrapped up like a. gift. It's like we're wrapping the gift. ourselves as the year ends. And I can't. even remember what's in the box. Sometimes the years go by so fast I. can't even.

you know life is such a time capsule. sometime I don't know what's in it and. I'm sitting there putting things in it. all the time but yet I don't even know. what's in it. and before I can get a try and get a. handle on it. starts back again. It's uh January or. January. as uh a lot of my uh Latino friends say. January. Oh, don't you like uh January?

And some people think, "Oh, it's racist. to do a Mexican accent." It's not. racist, dude. I love a Mexican accent. And it's fun. Do a Mexican accent. Do a. Chinese accent. Do a white guy accent. Do a freaking uh. that girl, you know, who's always like. with the long fingernail. Do her. Do it. Do it. Do whatever you want. It's an. accent. So do it. Ho ho ho. That's an accent. That's Santa.

Hey. Hey. Hey. That is a pervert right. there. Boy, if you hear somebody like. that, if somebody has a couple grams of. coke and they say there's a baby in the. desert, now that's different. That's. danger. But if somebody comes over and. nudges you during holiday, say, "Hey, big boy. They got Elbe. in Lasas.". Then you going to go for that. You.

better go for that. Um, what else? What's going on? Not too. much. I'm flying back to Louisiana. uh tomorrow. and I'm just looking forward to it, you. know. I'm going to go do the deal. Get. me a little bit of gambo. Get me a little bit of Christmas. yumbalaya. Yambalaya. And they'll put anything in jambalaya.

Dude, somebody have jambalaya might have. a little swallow in it. And I don't know. if you've ever had swallow or not. It's. not I don't eat it around children and. it's really an adult meat. because if children, you know, if. children hear you eating attractive. birds, they get nervous, you know. So if you have that swallow, that's something, you know, that's more. of a seasonal or, you know, a special. time of year when you have a little bit.

of swallow. But in you, but that's the. thing about jambalai. You could hide. something you're not sure if you want to. eat inside of something you do. You know, you could throw a few uh Yali. ranchers in there. You know, you could throw a couple. marshmallows down there in the middle. Bam. Bam. What's that? Oh, this is good. Oh, this has got crab meat. Oh, damn. This is sweet. That's the marshmallows, bro. Um, and that's a yama. Oh, yaya.

What's going on, man? It's the end of. the year and it's been a great year. Uh, I want to thank everybody for all the. support. Had some good podcasts. recently. Um, we got some great ones. coming up in the new year. That's going. to be exciting. Uh, I'm going we got the. show in Lafayette coming up. Let me let. you know a couple dates that are still. available. Uh, January 14th in Oslo, Norway. Uh, January 15th, Stockholm, Sweden. January 31st and February 1st,

Las Vegas, Nevada. And that's at the. Mirage coming back through the Super. Bowl weekend. So if you're going to be. there, come see. February 15th, Orville. Casino at the Gold Country. February. 20th, Toronto, Queen Elizabeth Theater. And we just opened Thursday night. tickets for that week as well. And then. February 28th, Oxen Hill, Maryland, where that makeup show from last year. And it's beautiful here on the set. If.

you could see. uh what producer Nick has done, man, man. And we got uh we got some beautiful. people gave us some Christmas ornaments. Rat King. Damn. We are very blessed to be part of such a. wonderful group. I want to let you know, too, we got some single moms that are. going to come out. uh into. um Lafayette. And here's a submission. that came in for one. Just want you guys. to uh to get on board. Here we go.

Hey, what's up Theo? This is Jeff from. Crowley, Louisiana. Big this past. weekend fan gang gang buzz buzz. gang Jeffrey and thank you for calling. over there in Crowley. And Crowley is. the kind of place they got big uh. animals over there. You'll see an inchworm that's damn two. feet long. and you're like, "Whoa, this. fella, this fella might be in the rodeo." You. know, they're big. So, it's that kind of. place. Onward, Jeffrey. Um, I was calling to nominate my mom for.

single mother's night at your show in. Lafayette, Louisiana. She's a single mom. to five boys. She uh she always worked. hard for us growing up, trying to. provide for us everything she can. You. know, it's hard with a lot of kids like. that. and she don't have much of a. social life. She can't get out much, you. know, she can't do much. She works. nights, but she's got her dream job as a. nurse in Lafayette. And she's a she's a big fan of the show.

Me and all my brothers, we watch you and. we love you. Came to your show in. Beluxy, Mississippi. And you're uh coming coming close to us. in Lafayette. And I know my mom would. love to be able to get a night out and. go enjoy herself and, you know, do her. own thing. So, yeah. Hope you uh hope you call back. Thank. Well, look, man, you're very welcome and. yeah, I'm so excited that she's going to. come now. We will reach out to you. We. got a couple single moms. We're going to. have them and a guest join us for dinner. before the show and um and we're going.

to do something nice for them as well. So, uh Jeff will reach out. Thank you. That's very sweet of you, man. And you. know, it's um. you know, you think about that. You. think about. if they had, you know, when, you know, a. mother's got to do a lot of it on her. own. and just the fear that probably comes, but that they push it aside real quick. You know, there's stories a mother could.

lift a damn shifer robe off a [ __ ]. set of twins or something. They'll have. a 700lb shifer robe and a something. happens, there's lightning or something. or a little, you know, maybe something hits your. house or knocks it over onto a kid and a. mother will lift it off of them. And. this is a mother that, you know, it. could be a mother that's never done. squats or never even, you know, she on. creatine or any type of, you know, preworkout. and they suddenly they'll be able to. just have the strength.

You know, sometimes if a if we could. just crack open a mother and just get. what just just harness whatever that is, that strength of love and of. perseverance that they have. Um, man, it's something that's beautiful. It's it's its own little Christmas, man. What goes on inside of a mother. And I applaud uh your mother, Jeff, and. I am excited to get to meet her. So, her.

and a guest will be coming. Uh we please. join us for dinner. I hope you will. Um. Nick will reach out to you and uh and we. will set it up. And we got a couple of. others. We're going to reach out. We had. a we had a a good deal of single moms. that were nominated and um we can't have. everybody out, but we're going to have. some out and we're going to do our best. and the next ones we'll catch next time. So, uh thank you very much for those. submissions. Oh man, it's that time of year, dude. I.

was thinking, man, one Christmas I got. I got a silk shirt. And I don't know if you ever remember. the silk shirt. cuz silk is first something you think. you'll never be able to have it cuz. spiders have it. And there's no if you. look at a spider, never once does a. spider look like, "Hey, I'm gonna.

[ __ ] do something for you, you know, I'm g share this batch with you." You. know, and it's marvelous that sometimes one, you know, that want that that at some. point in history, I don't know when or. whatever, but they made a deal with them. and they got all the silk. So. we when I remember when I got a silk. shirt, I just it blew my mind. And I don't know if you remember when. these really hit the market.

They were kind of they had that kind of. glo like one edge to them like at one it. was like mine was like a light red like. a light red shirt and from straight on. it looked red but if you stood had. somebody move over about five inches to. to the right or the left and look at it. it looked a little bit purple. It was just, you know, like when you see. somebody's car has been leaking oil on. your on the concrete outside of your. house or on and you'll see a little bit. of they have the oil and then on top of.

the oil they got that little uh that. little party layer, you know, that kind. of little it's like a little like. somebody just beat the [ __ ] out of a. rainbow and just left it there bleeding. kind of. Well, it's like that. And that's the. kind of thing that's in the silk. It has. this really translvescent. thing. I don't know what it is. It's. like an extra layer of skin in it that. kind of glistens that's ready to [ __ ]. party or do some blow. And I remember I.

got that silk shirt and man, it was nice, dude. I remember wear when. I came back from school from Christmas, that's when I really hit my stride. because that's when I had that new. stuff. I had that flex, you I had to freaking straight up just. flex curtains, bro. New shirt, new hat. You know, sometime in winter, me and my. brother split a pair of mittens. He get. one one day, I get one the next. You. know, he's going left, I'm going right, bro. You feel me?

And then sometime I'd replace the other. side. I get a oven mitt cuz um my dad, you know, whenever my parents were. married, he would sometimes drink and he. got my mother a set of small oven mitts. one time when he was in I think like. Puerto Rico or something. And so we had. So sometime you could replace the other. mitten you didn't have with that [ __ ]. baby oven mitt. Um but yeah, that shirt, man. That silk. shirt. So, I'd go back to school with. anything I knew I got fresh hanging off.

of me. Anything slap bracelet, uh, new. wrestling figurine, have it in my. pocket. Um, my grandma give me a bag of. mints. Usually, she give me a bag of. breath mints. That was her big thing. H, and I would just roll to school, bro. [ __ ] mint it up. Pocket full of the. Ultimate Warrior gang [ __ ] And I had. that silk. I had that [ __ ] that spider spit.

uh smock on. and uh and that thing, man, it was nice. And the crazy thing was though, if you. started sweating, the sweat would. immediately get so then the shirt. started to stick to you. And in. Louisiana, you sweat automatically. It. doesn't matter. It'd be 200 degrees. below zero and everybody's sweating. You know, it just gets hot down there. You'll see a crab. Some you'll see a. crab come out of his shell and he's. wiping his brow, man. It's hot in there. You see it?

Louisiana, it's just like that. You. know, you'll see a raccoon take off his. fur and hang it on the branch for a bit. You know, he'll be over there just. ringing out his muscles full of sweat. And until you seen a furless coe, brother, you don't know what's up, man. You're like, damn, bro. But those I remember those silk shirts. and then sometime like that thing would. get all uh when it got sweaty it would. just stick to you.

But yeah, if you looked at it head-on it. was green, but if you had somebody move. 9 in over to the left and look at it, it. was like a little bit a little bit less. green kind of blue or something. Man, I. love those. I love that silk shirt back. in the day. Um, we got some calls came in. 985-664-9503. Uh, merry Christmas to you and happy. holidays to you and uh and we got a. great bright year coming up ahead of us.

all of us. You know, we are living this. gift of life, man. And it um and it is a. journey. And I'm grateful that it is a. journey. I'm grateful that it is highs. and lows. Um. cuz it it is a challenge, you know? I. mean, if you played Super Mario and it. was just the whole course was just you. running to the end, man. You put the. controller down after one time. But it's not like that, you know? Life.

is there's more. They got the magic. mushrooms. They got, you know, you can. get a little bit of coin. You know, you. can beat your head into some bricks. You. know, you can uh. you know, so every now and then, dude, in certain areas, bro, you could light a. can of WD40 and throw it some throw. throw it at somebody who [ __ ] didn't. fix your truck correctly. You know, fireballs, you know, they got dragons. you can fight every now and then. Some.

th come out the house with a bunch of. slippers on talking [ __ ]. and you could freaking, you know, just launch that [ __ ] off a drawbridge. if you I mean, I'm just saying that it's. as tough as it is sometime with these. downs and these valleys that are in. life, uh, we wouldn't play if it if. there wasn't challenge. We wouldn't. play. We would I wouldn't play. I don't. think so. I'm not preaching at you. I'm. just trying to remind myself that um.

that this is the game. This is the. this is this is the game I'm playing. You know, in an easier a too easy game, there would be no challenge. And I get. to see who I am when there's a challenge. around me. And uh and it's nice it's. nice to be it's nice to be inspired even. by ourselves sometimes in the face of of. adversity. But all right, let's get in a couple.

calls that came in. 985664953. Yo, what's up? It's Jake from Tennessee. I work with the post office. And. what's up, Big Jake? At the post office, that po. And dude, yeah, I know a lot of. y'all hopped up on them perfume samples, dude. I know that [ __ ]. That's why I go in there sometime, I'll. see some dude like. he's on some damn, you know, polo sport. I'm like, damn, bro. You need to, you.

know, you'll see him over in the. distance just ripping open a magazine. and. getting getting a couple hits of. Burberry Brit over there. You're like, "Dang, boy. You freaking better back off that. Christian jaw cuz you [ __ ] geeked up, dog.". Yeah. One time the guy pushing the. little mail card, he's over there. You. saw him. He's back there. He's ripping. perfume samples out of out of out of the. Zen and [ __ ] basting under his arms,

bro. You know, he hits himself with them. samples and next thing you know, he's. all tweaked out cuz he's popped up. because he's been, you know, senting up. his trenches, bro. I'm telling you, that's one danger thing about being at. the post office. is get whatever comes through the mail, try not to get addicted to it. And that. is nature. That's nurture. That's nature or nurture. So, can we beat it? I don't know.

Yeah. One time they the mail truck is. over by my house. It's a it's 11:00 at. night. I go out there. I'm looking at. the guy. He's in there. He's got he's. got two strips of uh SD Lauder cut up. into little paper squares and he's. putting them under his tongue. I said, "Woo, he about to smell the devil.". But that's, you know, that's just the. dangers of working in the uh in the mail.

and catalog industry. But thank you for calling, brother. Let's let's hear more. Today, I I I was at this house. delivering the packages. I was on a new. route, so I don't I don't really know. this house. And I walk up to drop off. this big box and dude, they had a snack. bucket for all like delivery drivers and. stuff that come to your house during, you know, Christmas time, especially. during Black Friday and Cyber Monday. You know, these people have nice snacks.

out there and stuff. And dude, I'm not. going to lie to you. I forgot about my. delivery drivers and all that [ __ ] but. I just want to give a PSA to all these. people out here. But don't forget about. your delivery service. You know, they're. bringing you all your Amazon and your. dildos or whatever you're ordering. online. Damn. Yeah. Show them a nipple or something. Yeah. Don't forget about your delivery drivers. this Christmas. So, I want to say gang. gang, let's get it. Gang gang, let's get it. And that man. right there is telling the truth right.

there out there out of Tennessee. Take. care of your drivers. These men out. there, they shleing this and that. You. ordered 13 boxes of oatmeal. for your grandmother for Christmas. And. now you know Henry over here, he's got. to shle it up the stairs for you. Leave. him something out front. Leave him a. thing of fresh Dorito packages. Or leave. him a um a thing of gummy bears, man. Or. you can even get that one big gummy. bear, that big [ __ ] man. That big papa.

bear. That thing's about freaking. probably 11 and a half inches tall. And. he can just snack on that match while. he's cruising around. Yeah, people think they just order off. Amazon, it magically drops on their. doorway. No, they got a middleman. They got these side piece Santaas. running around everywhere. And those men. and women, too. A lot of strong women. women who also do fitness and who be. having protein shakes on their lunch. break and wearing gloves with no fingers. on. You know who I'm talking about. a.

lot of strong, you know, sometime. lesbian and sometime non- lesbian women. that dress like the wet bandits from. Home Alone and these beautiful ladies. over there slapping the goods up to your. door. So, leave them something out there. These are the real Santaas. Leave them a. milk. Leave them a cookie. Leave them a. picture of you and your cousin or. something doing, you know, fishing, catching a big trout, catching a big. walleye. Tao, baby, that's think about others and.

you know it. Thank you for calling and. thank you for making all those. deliveries. And I'm gonna think about. it, too. I'm gonna set a little stool. out there. Dear Mr. FedEx, dear Mr. Amazon, dear Mr. or Mrs. Mail person, I know you're really Santa. And here's a Rice Krispie treat. from my nice crispy heart. Gang, brother onward, I got to tell you this. You know it and. I know it that.

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responses. Plus, you can schedule weekly. video or phone sessions so you won't. ever have to sit in an uncomfortable. waiting room as with traditional. therapy. You know, I go to I've I've uh I've used. BetterHelp where you you know, you can. be in a you can text a therapist, you. can call, you can do video chat, Skype. There's ways to get help without having. to drive over to that office in town. that have that stigma and they got one. man out there, you know, maybe a. brother, maybe a couple of uh, you know,

a white dude wearing like a Buffalo. Sabres jersey or something and they, you. know, having a couple freaking menthols. or blowing a Winston and you know that. they trying to just score a couple of um. of uh. of drugs from a therapist or something, you know, some of them by the building. and you don't you're like, "Oh, hey, I'm. I'm not going there. Somebody going to. see me needing help. Well, BetterHelp. offers you a way to do that without. driving over. Visit betterhelp.com/theo.

That's bet telp. And join the over 500,000 people taking. charge of their mental health with the. help of an experienced professional. That's right. Special offer for this. past weekend listeners. Get 10% off your. first month. So, you can do that at. betterhelp.com/theo. Oh, what's going on, man? I don't know. I'm excited down in Lafayette. We're. going to raise some money for Dustin. Porier's charity, the Good Fight. Foundation. Uh, that show I think it's.

sold out. Um, people are asking about a. meet and greet. There will be one after. and we're excited to raise some money. for Dustin's charity. you know, they. help people that can't help themselves. And um. and that's one of the things that this. whole podcast kind of was started on is. [ __ ] I don't know, man. Whatever, dog. I mean, not whatever, but I'm just glad. I'm not freaking laying in a park trying. to smoke my own nuts right now cuz some. some somebody's.

doing that, bro. Grillin body, you feel. me? About to have a little bit of their. own grilled body. And I knew a man that brings me I knew a. man this dude Sweeney up there in uh. in. out in uh near Nachez, Mississippi. And he actually. uh. he um took his own wiener off of his. body. with a knife at a party when he was on.

LSD. and um. and they used to run the Roma over there. on the bluffs. But anyway, all right, let's take another call. 9856649503. as always is the hotline. Oh, and this. is I think our threeyear anniversary, too. That's crazy. This is three years. I'll talk about. that in a minute. Here we go. What's up? Hey, it's Josh from You know, I just called asking about uh went.

through depression if you ever get that. You know, I just realized you live in. [ __ ] LA, don't you? Yes, I do. Josh, thank you for calling. And I do live in LA. Onward, brother. Ain't no [ __ ] winter over there, dude. You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't get no snow or nothing. Like, what what's happens over there? I mean, have you like what does it get cold? You know, that's a good question. What. happens over here during the holiday? And I'm going to answer it in a second. Let's hear more from you. No, I don't even [ __ ] know, dude. You. know, I'm driving around [ __ ] 2 ft of.

snow right now. I mean, haven't seen my. kid in days, you know, cuz I've been. sleeping in an igloo. You know, one of. them igloo hitters. cuz you know, you got to get right back. up, start delivering those packages, bro. That's what I'm talking about, bro. That 28° drywall, baby. That's iglooing. gang. FedEx don't give a [ __ ] if it's. smelling. You know, personally, you need a lot. You got to get after it. But uh yeah, so.

you know what. I mean questions still stand cuz you. know maybe you were somewhat cold once. I'm sure you were. You've been a lot of. places. Look, great question, brother. I we. don't have uh it doesn't get cold here. And you know, one thing about Los. Angeles that. really freaking trickles my dick, bro. I. mean this will make me it just leak from. my low beak and that is that.

that there's no seasons here so things. don't change so there's no you don't. feel the vi you don't feel that mother. nature has a real pulse here you know. you don't feel her wrath that much you. know there's fire sometime but that's. usually a dude over there. you know some dude playing hopscotch. with his with his buddy and they're all. cooked up on that freaking uh on that. kettle corn, you know, math and. fetamine. And next thing you know they'll [ __ ]. they chasing each other with cigarettes.

playing, you know, pee pee tag or. whatever out there behind the bushes, you know, and it's kind of drug induced. homosexuality and next thing you know. they burn down half of a [ __ ]. hillside. cuz these bastards over there doing, you. know, gramming up on a [ __ ] some homemade. Chernobyl over there and all tweaked out. on that bust are dustless. And next thing you know, they don't they.

who knows. So they burn down a hillside. with half a Winston cuz they fall asleep. in each other's arms over there all. cooked out on that [ __ ] bugle boy. But. Jesus, sorry, I'm wearing the bad. Christmas hat and earphones at the same. time. Um, we talking about Oh yeah, there's no. winter here. And one thing, so that's. sometimes when one of the reasons why. people in in Los Angeles are so nutty is. because they don't they they feel like.

they run the world. Mother nature. doesn't push anything on them, you know. So they feel more powerful than nature a. lot of times, you know. There's not. there's no season. So things never you. don't realize the power of mother. nature. you don't realize the beauty of. of of just you get trapped in this. bubble that things can just go on. forever as the same. Um or I think so. This is just what I. think. Sorry, this isn't everybody. Uh. but other places, yeah, you realize, okay, for 4 months I'm going to be have.

to be indoors, you know. So maybe I should find a. spouse. I'm going to need someone not. just just that I can hook up with for a. night. I need somebody to care about. I. need somebody to care about me. You. know, winter's coming. You know, I know in the Midwest they got. cuffing season. and that's when if you don't have. someone to love, you got to lock them. down. And and so in the winter a lot of times. that cuffing season is right there.

around August, September, October and. that's when you better lock down a mate. because it's going to get cold. and you you need that [ __ ] that full. body dur that full body dural log, you know, a significant other. and they have it, man. and they uh so. so so. uh so that's one thing about LA you just. there's no effect of nature I don't feel.

like as much with the weather now that's. strictly the weather you can see the. power of nature by going to the beach. and there's you know there's a very. peaceful element but you don't see. it from the weather where the weather. really dictates things it doesn't rain. So you can always throw a party. You. could plan anything and you never have. to worry about the weather. Like I never. wake up in the morning and think what. the weather will be. But when I used to work on Mississippi.

over there on a farm, we used to have to. look at the DTN all day. I think that's. what it was called. DTN weather. Yeah. We'd have to look at the DTN. And. this is back before they had an app when. you had to look at the actual computer. screen going there and see where the. storms were coming across. So, you say, "Okay, we could fertilize right here. today because it's going to be dry, you. know, um or it's okay to have a crop. duster come through today because. um.

uh because it's, you know, it's not. going to rain, so we're not going to, you know, lose whatever chemical we put. down." Um but I remember that having to. just sit at the DTN and weather would. dictate how you behaved, but here it doesn't happen as much. So yeah, I think it's a lot of people in. in California and Los Angeles go to. Hawaii, you know? They're like they want it even. nicer. Which is another thing I noticed why. this city doesn't stop much,

man. In Louisiana when it's rains it, hey, time out. Talk to your buddy. Sit on the porch. Spend some time. We can't go do. something. It's raining. when it snows. Oh, we snowed in. Maybe. you have two friends come over and you. guys enjoy each other's company because. you need it. You know, there's more of a value on one. another. But this is more of a turn style out. here. And I'm not saying damn LA blah.

blah blah. There's a lot of great. things, but I am answering the question. as to how this what do I feel like the. weather dictates. behavior. here in LA. You know, there's less like in the in a. lot of places you you help somebody. shovel their driveway, an opportunity to. talk somebody. Hey, hey, hey, Ba. Hey, Miss Bura, let me go do your shovel.

You know my buddy over there, he used to. go decorate the Christmas tree by the. neighbor and she would [ __ ] touch his. ass while he was on the ladder. What are you going to do? Huh? It's. Christmas. But stay busy out there if you FedExing, baby. Get it done. And put something out on your porch for. a FedEx. Put something out on your porch for your. Amazon guy. You know they're going to. stop by. Let them, you know, it does feeling. appreciated is nice, isn't it? gang.

Oh, let's get a call right here. Here we. go. What's up, Theo? This Jay from San. Diego. What's up, Jay from San Diego, man? Thank you for calling, brother. Onward. down here in the dirty breakfast. Just. calling to give you one of those hotline. hitters that you love. Uh recently on. social media, I've been seeing a lot of. stuff about these people trying to. change Santa Claus gender to be gender.

neutral or or you know, questioning. whether he he may or not may or may not. be a woman. And I'm like, the man has a beard. Mhm. Just kind of wondering where you stand. on the whole subject. I'm like, you. think it's as funny as I do? word, let. me know. Gang, gang, gang. Jake, thanks for the message. If you in your household want to have a. nondescript.

universe, that's fine. But. I like Santa being a woman. His wife is. Mrs. Claus. You know, the tooth fairy is a gay man. the. um. the Easter Bunny could be a woman. Now, that I could see. Let's go either way. with it. But Santa is a man. Santa is a man.

If you you don't want some lady sning. out all night. It doesn't feel even. safe. You know, a lot of women get take, you. know, taken advantage of at night. And Santa is just you can't. and you won't. Some of that [ __ ] man. People, they just don't Nobody's buying that. [ __ ]. Well, Santa doesn't have a gin. Santa is. a man.

Okay. Until he comes out and shows a a. tit or bust out a lip. That's a man. and that's it. And it's really just the same because. here's what happens. If is if if the. that's all fueled by companies. If they. can make it if they can make Santa. gender neutral, then they can sell a. whole new branch of new Santa ornaments, new Santa Christmas car, new Santa uh.

pool toys. because now they got the gender neutral. Santa. And so that's you have to for me I I. think that's where a lot of that. motivation comes from is all it's just. people trying to make money. It's people trying to make money. and it's sad man. It's sad. and I I I try to distance myself from.

things where I feel like that is what it. is only about. But yeah [ __ ] that's some [ __ ]. dude. Nobody want their grandmother out. there driving a sleigh all night. Dude, my mom's driving to freaking. Houston right now and she called me nine. times and it's only 2:00 in the. afternoon. Nobody Nobody want their grandmama out. there sleing around a bunch of Hello. Kitties or whatever, you know, a bunch. of, you know, um, Gryffindor hats or.

whatever the children want this year. And now she, you know, your. grandmother's got to stay at a day's end. cuz one of the reindeer, she's worried. about him overheating. Nuh-uh. You want. Santa out there, Manta, bro. You want. him with the pedal to the metal on. Dancer on Prancer. Oh, Vixon stayed up. all night doing some dust. Oh well, put. him on your back, Cupid, cuz we ride in.

What if a couple of Somali pirates show. up in the middle of the night and you. got a genderneutral Santa Claus out here. injecting himself with different. hormones and [ __ ] man? He. Nobody's getting a gift cuz they're. Jack. He's getting, you know, no kids. are getting gifts now. You can't do it like that. Santa's not a. woman. Nobody wants him to be a woman. It's some [ __ ] writing an article who.

has who doesn't have any care about, you. know, a lot of people, they want to kill. any Christian spirit that's alive. and they want to kill the fun. Don't let. these people kill your fun. They're just. trying to take advantage of you and make. money, man. Get out of here with that, man. Santa's a man. The Earth, Mother Earth, the Earth is a. woman. Tooth fairy is a gay man.

Everybody got their space. You know this [ __ ] Ever since Black. Annie, nobody liked Black Annie. Even my. black friends are like, "What?". So, unless it should have had Blake. Griffin in it, then it would have been. good. He's hilarious. But let's be real with this [ __ ] man. I'm tired of it because some of it. there's no benefit to it. It's just a. trick to sell. Oh, if we can make every. man think they're a woman, then we can.

sell them all now woman products as. well. So, I'm all about equality, but you. know, everything functions because. there's male, female, there's yin and. yang. Now, I'm not saying there might. be, you know, the gestation in three. generations. We might all be um. you know, we might all be by gender. Who. knows? But let nature do that. Not some [ __ ]. with a Yahoo article.

Gang, bro. Sorry, I got heated. I'm gonna tell you about this man. I'm gonna tell you about Beck's. sunglasses. Do you care about your eyes, bro? Ask yourself down in your in your little. cauldron of. of feeling and hope. That's your heart. Ask yourself, do you care about your.

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If you like having meat in your home and. you do not want to have to go and get it. all the time, this is a perfect. solution. I I didn't even like Dude, I would hate. going if my was with my mom and I had on. a tank top. and we was at the grocery. I was really a little [ __ ] kid. Hell, I'm half [ __ ] now most of the time, dude. You know me. If I [ __ ] get. if I start swimming in the baby pool of. my own damn feelings, I [ __ ] I'll.

drown down there. But but I'm also a badass, dog. You know, I'll also put your [ __ ]. chubby cousin in a hard scarf, dog. I'll. put half a bread pudding in his mouth. and [ __ ] put that boy to sugary. sleep. So, don't come at don't come at me with. that [ __ ]. Um, I don't even know what I was talking. about. Okay, let's take another call that came.

in here. Here we go. Hey, Theo. What up? This is Brennan from. uh Eden Prairie, Minnesota. What's up, Britain from Eden Prairie in. Minnesota? Beautiful. Um, you know, I met a girl one time uh out. there in Minnesota and she was a Native. American, she said. And then she accused. me of almost well, she threatened to have a baby with me.

Anyway, let's hear more. Um, for those of you that don't know, Eden Prairie is basically the uh the. white bratty little cousin of. Minneapolis. Uh, and anyways, I'm I'm 16 years old. I had. a question about. uh girls. So, um I got a girl that I like and she. likes me.

Okay, that's. that's a start, man. That is a big. start. More. um but she. I don't know she's caught up in some. illegal activities and um I won't get. into that. Uh but you know and I got my. own issues of you know getting. uh getting in with all the pornographies. and all that. And so uh like I said I'm 16. I don't.

know anything about girls or life or. anything. Um, and I I was wondering, do you think. having a girlfriend. is something that. um. can help you with your problems or where. you can help each other? Or is it. something that will distract you from. fixing your problems that need fixing?

cuz you know we both need some fixing. and. uh yeah. gang bro thank you for the question. there young fella 16year-old boy there. calling out of there. man. 16. god hell I'd drink a glass of your blood. if I could man. you know it's uh man being 16 well. here's what I say sometime relationships. can And sometimes they can hurt. I think.

if. if I'm not doing well, then I don't know. if I'm going to be able to really treat. somebody well. You know, it's hard to see the value of. a relationship or even a friendship. sometimes when you're in it. You know, some I can get complacent. I'll get complacent. in a relationship.

Um, sometimes I'll stay in a relationship. just because. I'm afraid to be alone. That can happen. I mean, you do know some stuff because. you are asking people, you know, to be. 16 and be this kind of aware and asking. these questions is that's huge, dude. A. lot of 16-year-olds are just busting on. themselves at home. and you at least are trying to do a. little more than that.

Uh, so I think, you know, I think if you you. can work on yourselves together, you can. work on yourselves apart. And also, man, you know what? Sometimes. there's not working on ourselves. Sometime it's like, you know, I'm always. sometimes caught in this I get caught in. this trap sometimes where it's like I. have to fix I have to repair something's. wrong. And sometimes, man, I'm just.

being alive. I'm just being alive. And there's the ups and the downs, but. this is the ride. It's almost like I wish they taught us. that in school sometimes like had a real. course. that said, "Hey children, this is what some days will be like. You. will leave your driveway. Somebody will, you know, you'll get a call from your. cousin. He'd been in a [ __ ] head-on.

collision over there by the Hardies.". You know, you'll get to work and you. might lose your job. You'll stop on the way home. You'll try. to stop by a Dunkin Donuts and that. [ __ ] is burned down. and you'll go home and your wife will be. complaining because you guys haven't had. sex in a while. Sometimes that they should just teach. you that that in school. Hey, that's. going to be what that's what life is. Sometimes it's that.

But so yeah, sometimes it just is what. it is and that's the way things are, bro. So I think you're going to be fine. you're 16, you're figuring it out. It's. okay. Take it easy on yourself. You know, if this if you're alone, if. you're not, you know, find some things. that make you feel good. Um, don't do a bunch of drugs and hurt. yourself, bro. That's what I'm saying, dude. And that pornography can really. it'll dirty your freaking brain.

And every time you bust them cheat sheet. pops out, you're losing a little bit of that. stallion. So finally, you know, 19 years from now, you have a child and that [ __ ]. he's a little pony. You know, he got a. little buzz cut and he [ __ ] they put. a bell around his neck at the mall. and that's your son. So save up those Chi-Chi pops and be a. warrior,

you know? So, save up those cheat pops. and be a warrior. I don't think I really helped Jar or. anything, but I love you, bro. And um. just take care. Just just be safe, man. Wear your seat belt. and find friends that you trust. And it's okay if you don't know what a. relationship means at this point. Just. just do your best. And just know that you're okay, man. However you are,

you're okay. Everything is okay. You're not doing anything wrong. The world is not. conspiring against you. Everything is. okay. And that's the truth. And I just don't want you thinking that. it's not all the time. cuz I used to do that and it really was.

and I could miss out on some of the. beautiful gifts that are right in front. of me. Let's take a call right here. Onward. Hey Theo, this is Justin from Dallas. Just on my way back home from work. Thought I would share with you a story. that came to my mind when I was a kid. around the Christmas time. Thank you. Uh Dustin or Justin, I'm not. sure which one. I couldn't hear it, but. um it doesn't matter. Thank you, Austin. We'll go there, man, from Dallas. And I. loved Dallas, man. And uh I had a crush.

for a while on one of the radio hosts. down there on the morning radio gang. onward. So me and my buddy in Austin were uh. having a sleepover at his house. Oh, dang. Shout out my boy Scott Satchfield when. we was younger. We stayed by his daddy's. house over there in Jackson, Mississippi. and his daddy had a house over there and. it was on the top of a little bitty hill. and we stayed over there. and.

I'd never slept in bed in a bed with. another man before. We weren't even men. We were children. So, another, you know, children man. And uh. and his dad closed the door and then he. came back in about a minute later and he. goes, "Now fellas, y'all can sleep pole. to pole or hole to hole, but don't sleep. pole to hole.". And then he closed the door.

and dude, we sat there trying to figure. it out and do the math. And. finally, I just slept on the floor at. the foot of the bed, dude. Like a damn. golden retriever, man, cuz we didn't want to get the equation. wrong, you know? Uh, let's hear more. Sorry I interrupted. you, brother. And we I don't know how we got to this, but we went up in his attic. We really. just grabbed a bunch of ornaments and we. we filled them up with gasoline. M I love gasoline. and uh trailed the.

little, you know, like the cloth outside. of the end. We really just made cocktail. uh like ornament cobs. Uh and we were. really just lighting them up and. throwing them at cards as they went by. And it's pretty risky, pretty dangerous. And yeah, I mean, they really did catch. fire kind of like a bomb. So, uh yeah, I. was wondering uh if you've ever done. anything like that or just anything real. risky over the holidays. Appreciate. everything you do. Gang gang.

Thank you, brother. Yeah. I remember one. time we had uh my mother had a friend. that came over and she'd only come over. when we cooked. and this lady was big as a damn. I mean just big as about a small. gymnasium. and she really part of her arm had. turned a little yellow because she I. don't even know what had happened. something and anyway she would drive. over only when my mom would cook and. she'd come over and have her she'd talk.

and everything and be friendly, but. really she was, you know, sneaking all. some of the rations. She was really, you know, she was she she was there for. the food and and the the socializing was. second. And I remember one time while she was in. there, we gotten some kerosene, maybe it. was, or gasoline. I can't remember. God, I love gasoline, man. I love Man, I put some on my hands the. other day and just [ __ ] smelled it. all day long. Um,

and anyway, we put her bumper in. kerosene of her car and right before she. took off, we lit that bastard on fire. and she just drove off into the night, dude, with that with that oldfashioned. tail light, baby. That fuego bumper dog. And we lit that. we lit that that lady up like that. And honestly, I don't we haven't even. saw that lady again, dude. honestly. But I love being dude, when I was young, we would put [ __ ] WD40 on our tongue,

bro, and try to [ __ ] lick each other. We would do. I love the smell of WD40. Damn, dude. I love the smell of WD40. I wish they made WD41, bro. Cuz I mean, hell, we could do anything with that, you know. Beautiful. Uh let's take another call here. Actually, you know what? We got a.

Patreon question. Okay, this is. uh from Tara Stegner. One of my favorite. Christmas movies is Home Alone. What. would you do if you were home alone at 8. years old because you wished your family. away? What kind of stuff would you do. knowing you're the man of the house now? Personally, I'd watch every R-rated. movie available and go through. everything in every bedroom looking for. treasures. Let me think. If I was Well, I was home.

all the time when I was young. I was. home alone all the time, dude. And I. would always. I would have a couple extra vanilla. creams. That was the first thing. cuz we was allowed two vanilla creams at. night for dessert. And that's that vanilla cookie. Vanilla. cookie. Cream in the middle. white cream. in the middle. So, I'd have about. probably about six or eight of them. matches and some milk, you know, cuz we always had to split up. the the milk we had. We had to split up.

the cookies. So, I would I would cheat, man. I would have what I wanted. And what else? Oh, then sometime I like. to take off my shirt and pants and I. like to We had a couch and had three. cushions. I like to lay under the. cushions like on top of the couch but. under the cushions. and just like feel that pressure kind of. against my body and just look out from. the side, you know, from in between the. cushion and watch television like that. like a sandwich like I was a meat and.

the and the furniture was a breads. And. what else would I do? Oh, I like to play. game on the on the television. games. would come up sometime, you know. Do you. know uh sports trivia or something? Call. 1888 sports now and play the game. $17 a. minute, $90 if you're in Cuba. You know, coupons don't apply or some kind of. [ __ ] So, I would call that hotline. I'd.

play [ __ ] $200 worth of games and mom. would beat my ass later when the bill. came. What else did I do? Yeah, we went. peeking in our mom's closet around. Christmas. That was always so crazy, man. Peeking in there. You know, it made me realize how hard my. mom worked. Even just looking at her. shoes hanging from the shoe thing in the.

door. You know, she had her heels and her work. shoes. She had her morning walking. shoes, these pink New Balances. She had them. forever, man. They were probably They. were 20 years old when I met her, you know. And she had uh. you know, I don't know. My mother was. such a hard worker, man. She was always. going.

She was always working hard. I wish he. had told me, "Hey, I'm working hard so I. can take care of us." Cuz I think a lot. of time when I was a child, I just. didn't know what was going on. You know, no one ever said, "Hey, this. is why this is what's happening. This is. why we're doing this.". So sometimes today, I'm always like I. always feel like I need to be doing. something. I always feel like something. is wrong, even though there's nothing really,

you know? I feel like somebody pushed a. car in the distance and they have a car. alarm that's just going off outside of. the apartments or something, but it's. and that the alarm's always been there, you know? It just is always this thing. making me feel like something. like I don't know what's happening, like. everything's not okay. Uh anyway, I kind. of digressed in all of that. Um. here's a question from Jacob Wells. Did. you believe in Santa growing up? Yes, I. did.

And a lot of me still does, you know, down in Cington, Louisiana, they used to. hire a it was like a small plane to go. through the air at night and they would. put a bunch of lights on it and stuff. and they would play Christmas music out. of speakers on it. And so. you could hear on Christmas Eve, you. would actually be able to take your kids. outside and hear. uh. and hear like a Christmas and see. something in the sky. And I remember. that being a really neat treat for kids.

because it just cemented into you that. Santa was there and you never even. thought, hell, why the hell does Santa. have a propeller on his sleigh? But you. know that's being a kid, man. Gang, let's take one more call here that came. in. 9856649503. Theo, what's up? This is Bob. Hey Bob, thank you for calling, brother. Onward. So, lost my leg in a motorcycle accident a. couple years back.

Damn, Bobby. That flamingo baby. Tell me. more. Now I'm trying to find out how to get. some [ __ ] home tank with that stumpy. hitter. Just, you know, kind of hard. not to change up the game. So, any thoughts? Thank you. Well, so you got that one, you know,

you got that one piece really you. rolling on, you rolling on three right. now and you looking for love. I think be forthright. We're all missing something, you know. We are all missing something. And I think these days more than ever, people that have uniquities to them, those things are valued more than ever.

You know, uh. I used to know a guy named Babo and he. had cut off part of his arm for some. reason. I don't know why. And it was below the elbow about 3 or 4. in. So it was like in his forearm. and he would sometimes get behind the. bar at a bar or club and he would walk. uh and he would stick the the nub part. of his of his elbow and the and the part. coming forward the little bit of his.

forearm up and he could turn them back. and forth like it was a submarine. He. would walk up and down the bar. And so. if you were like away from the bar about. 15 ft, you could see just this little. thing pop up and look around like it was. a submarine. or a snort. Remember the snorks? They. were old cartoon, but yeah, he had that. Babo had that submarine hitter and he. was always looking for cocaine. Really? But he beautiful man, dude, and I still. miss him. Um,

what' you ask me? Oh, man. I think. there's there's more value than ever to. being unique. There's more value than ever to being. unique. And I So, I know that's easy for. me to say because I'm by, right? I got. I'm by pedal. I got two hitters right. here below the belt. But. but there's more now. There's ways. constantly to inspire people. They got. the titanium. You could get something. graphite. You could go wood even if you. you know if if it's a tough year.

financially or if you're, you know, you're living in like New Finland or. something, you could get that wooden. appendage. There's a lot of beautiful options out. there. Um. but I say be forthright. Hey ladies, I got [ __ ] I got that magic wand. You. feel me? You know I got I'm that onelegged. [ __ ]. I'm that stationary bad boy.

You know I You got it, man. If you only have one leg, bro, I love you, dude. I think it's cool, man. You know, I know. that's crazy, but I think it's. I think it's really really cool cuz. dude, when I see somebody that has a. handicap and they're really. and they're challenging it and they're. Man, that inspired me so much, dude. You know, it really you have the chance.

to be so inspirational to others. And I. know that probably is hard to think. about because it doesn't heal what's. going on, but you could hella get some. puss, bro. They got ladies out there that are. [ __ ] some real muppets. So I know when you come in with that. [ __ ] low body gonzo, bro, that one. piece. all day, bro. You're going to be a uh. you're going to be a freaking third. lieutenant in the Pun Tang Mafia, son.

And I would decorate that leg, bro. Get. that other leg decorated for the. holidays, bro. Throw some [ __ ] lights. around that thing. Hang a hang a uh a a car freshener off. that [ __ ] man. Do something with it. Dude, I remember I was in Tucson, Arizona on the bus once and a man had a. wooden appendage, a second half, low. half on the left and he would sit on the. bus. This is when you could smoke. cigarette on the bus. And he would put his cross his leg over. the other leg and in the side of the.

wooden part he'd build a uh ashtray in. there. And I remember sitting there one. time with him having a cigarette after. work over there at City Grill off a tank. of verdie in Wilmont. And I took the bus. and I'd sit there with him and have a. cigarette and put the ashes right out. into his leg. And I've never forgotten that man. We're at the end of the year. We're at. the end of the year, man. And I love. you.

And you know, if you need me, bro, I. I'll hold you up, dog. The more I think. about it, man, I will hold you up. You know, I'll hold you up, brother. And. thank you for sharing what's going on. with you in your life, man. You're. holding me up. Gang [ __ ] bro. We out. here, dog. And it's a beautiful time of year. And. it's a beautiful time to love somebody. And it doesn't have to me mean sex or. anything like that or touching yourself.

Don't touch yourself at Christmas. What are you doing? But touch your heart, man. Love yourself. a little. Get in there. As that boy used to say that had it. And. he had a lot of hits of that TISM and. you know it. Um, what else is going on? Uh, I may have. this, uh, thing this week, chocolate. shoulder challenge, we'll put out on. Instagram, so you can check it out.

Uh, remember to get your Christmas shopping. done now. It's almost over. And I hope your holidays are something. special. And I hope that your heart is a. fireplace. And uh, and it keeps you warm and keeps. the others around you warm as well. Uh thank you for three years. Uh thank you for the support. Thank you for all the calls.

Uh. you know, this been one of the toughest. years of my life in some ways, but I'm. feeling a little better and um and I. couldn't be more grateful for you guys. not giving up on me. I'm excited to see. you guys over in Lafayette. I'm excited. to see you in Europe. Let's go. I was. watching some rugby today. Lister and. somebody else. Let's go. UK, Manchester, Glasgow, Dublin,

London, Oslo, Amsterdam, Norway. Let's go. I can't wait to get over. there, baby. The Rat King. coming down your chimney. January 4th, we start the tour over there. Ari man, it's the dirty little Hebrew rolling. over there with me. So, let's see what we can do. Man, you. guys be good to yourselves. Uh, I love. you. Merry Christmas to you. Um, and.

thank you. Uh, thank you. Let's take us out today with DJ Den's. the Rooster and Christmas Day sale. [Music]. [Applause]. [Music].

[Applause]. [Music]. Just a little Christmas trap music. [Music].

Hey. [Music].

Everybody. [Music]. Hey. Hey. [Applause]. Heat. Heat. N. [Music].