Feel Armstrong | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #232

What's up you little dirty Griswalds? Huh? You little anamanopas. You smoky. little almonds. Damn boy. That smoked. almond. Isn't that crazy? Isn't that crazy that that happened to. an almond? He was living his life and. maybe he hadn't, you know, you know, done right by his wife or he hadn't. really taken care of his family 100%. But to smoke him, you know, to take him. out back behind in an alley and put a.

damn gun to his little to his little. pointy little head just. makes you wonder what's going on, man. You know, but I'm here. I'm here. You're. here. We got this. You little crispy. wiggers. Who's ready? Huh? Let's get. into something. [Music].

I'm just sitting on your front porch. wondering how could I be so far from my. home. [Music]. Come in. And my mind is somewhere else. But when. I find it, I'll patch up where it's been. blown. Now I'm just floating on the breeze. And.

I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I. must be. stone. But when I reach that ground, I'll share. this piece of mind. I can feel it. This where you turn that slow dance into. a fast dance. Shake a little bastard by her waist. Right there. You. [Music]. set that parking bra and let myself.

shine that light. PG baby. Shine that light on me right there. That's Bishop Gun with shine. They got. that They got that ear hitter right. there. They feel you and we feel you. here every week. Every week. Welcome to. this past weekend. I hope you are doing.

well. You know, I hope you if you're. doing something, I hope you got a shirt. on or don't have a shirt on. You know, I remember when I was young, bro, I used to love taking my [ __ ]. shirt off, boy. Dude, I would take my. shirt off all the time, bro. And. sometimes at inopportune times or wrong, they call them wrong times. You know, I'd be at school and the lady. give me a little uh second serving of. them uh mashed potatoes and I'll take my. damn shirt off, bro.

It was almost like a way that I showed. my gratitude to things. You know, I remember they had a guy used. to drive down the street over there on. McGee Street in our neighborhood and he. was a rich man. This man was really rich. and he had like a nice car like a. I don't know what it was. Maybe like a. Buick satellite or something. I mean, the thing had damn. it looked fancy, bro. He had a couple. probably stars and a damn half a galaxy. in the trunk of it. He just was wealthy,

well off, they called it wellto-do, they. said. and he would drive down the street and. he was a veterinarian. and he would throw uh he threw a lot of. animal carcasses and stuff out of the. vehicle cuz he knew, you know, he likes. they would be in our ditch and stuff and. I think he just. something inside of him. I think he felt. like he was giving back to the, you. know, to the lower class or he was doing. something. Or maybe he just,

you know, liked throwing, you know, you. know, animal carcasses out of the damn. out of a nice vehicle. I don't know. But, uh, [ __ ] what was I telling you about? Damn, dude. Um, but yeah, sometimes when I I'd be out. there and I'd see half of a, you know, half of a a rooster hit the ditch, you. know, or I'd see, you know, maybe four. fifths of a um of a lamb or something. hit the ditch, you know, a lamb body, and I would take my damn shirt off, bro. Show some respect.

You know, there was just something about. when you didn't have anything really to. show people. Sometimes you just show them your bare. skin. You just show them your young chest and. your belly button. You do something. You. think, "Well, damn, I owe some level of. gratitude.". Or in class sometime the teacher would. teach us something real good. You know, I remember one time they said lightning. They said lightning uh was made up of.

the same stuff that a rainbow was. And um and I I it was hard for me to. understand. And then and then the. teacher said that light that lightning. was just an angry rainbow. And I [ __ ]. dude. I stood up on my desk and took my. damn shirt off, bro. You know, and I damn saluted that [ __ ]. That fact that that teacher was filling. me with the facts cuz I need them. sometimes. And there was a way where. just kind of disroing yourself or.

showing your chest, your young chest to. a. as a thank you when you didn't have. anything else to give somebody, a card. or a, you know, a little couple of. monies or something, you know, nothing. like that. But it's coming up. It's the end of. September. I'm going to. Maui tomorrow. I'm going to Maui. So, if you think about me, you better. think about me in Maui.

Um, guess who's going to Maui? Wow. Me. You see what I did there? Uh, Maui and. Maui is a place off of the coast of. America and Hawaii. And it's really, dude, you see people out there, they got. they'll do all it's very Polynesian. And Polynesian, some people think that. means if somebody's Polynesian, it means. they, you know, their arms are on the wrong. sockets or whatever, you know, but it's. nothing like that. It means kind of like.

uh. say if you know like a flight like a. flight of like kind of Asian. people. land like a say if a Chinese flight. crashed into a. um. like a like a pineapple stand and. everybody lived and started a community. That's Polynesian right there. And so. I'm going to go over there and I'm going.

to spend some time just get to the. beach, relax, you know, let my skin just, you know, my skin has been so tight on. my muscles that I just want it to just. kind of let go a little bit. Sometimes. it almost feels like my my muscles and. my skin are just doing sex all day cuz. they're just so gritted up. But I'm. happy to relax there at the beach and. get a little sunshine. going to a yoga. uh retreat place. So, we'll see. Dude, you know me, bro. I might [ __ ] bail.

out of that bastard in 30 minutes. But, I'm hoping for the best. I'm hoping to. go over there and have a good time. Um, I got to tell you, I got a couple dates. coming up. Uh, Bethlehem, PA on 104. Um, and 108 in Cleveland. And, uh, October 9th, Indianapolis. October 10th, Grand Rapids. the 11th. Detroit, the 12th Milwaukee, and the. 13th Madison, Wisconsin. Uh the Maryland the Oxen Hill dates have.

been are going to be rescheduled. I'm. not sure when yet. And um Sersville, New. Jersey will be rescheduled. I'm not sure. when yet. So, that's what's going on. Um. they those the reschedles the other. reschedules may not be till next year, but that's what's up. Uh. man, I remember going to the beach when. I was young. My mother would uh and my mother liked. to wear a bikini. Sometimes she would. open the windows and sit over there by a. window and have a little beer and do a.

bikini. and you know and I was kind of a mama's. boy and I didn't have a you know I. couldn't wear a bikini or anything like. that because I was a male you know I was. a you know a male that was you know more. interested in you know in chicks and. stuff. And so, but I remember one time I made me a. little yarn. I took a yarn and two bottle caps and. made me a little. bikini, you know, and kind of had, you. know, had my sister tie it in the back. and just wore that little bastard,

you know, because I just, you know, my mother was around. I think. I just wanted to be like her, you know. I wanted to be like my dad, but he. wasn't around. And also, he was, you. know, 70, 80 years old. So, if I was. being like my dad, I was just taking. naps or. looking for something that I was never. going to find. Or what else was I doing if I was being. like him? I used to go sleep at the park. sometimes. My dad liked to do that. Sleep at the Burger King. Um, you know,

just enjoying life really. having a. little uh sometime my dad would make me. sneak in there and get him a little uh. tablespoon of mayonnaise and he would. eat it off. Just dip his finger in it. and eat it and watch an episode of uh. Thre's Company or one of those detective. program. He liked a lot of that. He was. oldfashioned like that. Uh. but. my mother used to take us to the beach.

We would go the first beach I went to, Belaluxy Beach. And. this place, the beach is really, the. water was always illegal. You couldn't. get in the water. They had signs up. It. said, you know, the test came in and. this water is, you know, pregnant or whatever. I mean, that water was, you. would come out on two or three legs and. go get a job. It was that kind of. they called it illegal water, I guess,

or something. It was just, you know, they'd have. the water would look it had to look like. oil. It looked like a oil spill and they. put some sand around it. That's how the. water was. And it also had this foam. this kind of like the like like the. water had been brushing its teeth and it. just had a bunch of kind of like. toothpaste on the side of it. But we'd. get out there and make little shapes and. stuff. And um we you could still do a. draw in the sand and you get sunburnt. bad too. But and they had fish and some.

of the fish look like they had been. through some tough [ __ ]. Um like some of the fish look like they. were in like MS13 or you know you you'd. see a little fish swim by with like a. bandana on you know and he's like oh. pescato h you feel me pescato. I'm like, whoa, bro. Relax, man. Cuz it was just, you know, they they had so much. chemicals there in Buxy. So, we, you. know, when you went there to the beach, you couldn't, you could get in the. water, but you couldn't stay that long. because it would feel like uh your skin.

would burn or would feel like something. was kind of trying to sneak into your. body through your elbows or through your. um. belly button. And mom used to even make. us put something over our belly button. or put a piece of gum if we had a big. gum, we'd put that in our belly button. so that the, you know, if the water was. real bad or illegal or something, it. didn't really taint you up or, you know, get into your body. But, but that's not. going to be the case in Maui. It's going. to be a little bit different over there. And, uh, and so I'm excited about that. Um,

what else is going on? Uh, oh, Chris Deia, you saw this. He did a. thing on uh Instagram where he was. talking a smack. Okay. And I got. something for you, Chris Lee. I got. There you go, daddy. I got that little. clap back for daddy. Okay. I got that little clapback for daddy. And so I want to talk about that. I want. to talk about We got a lot of uh some.

good questions that came in. Uh people. talking about the Bill Burr episode. We. had that gentleman inside. you know, the. ginger to remember, you feel me? And he. was in here the other day. And um and. what else? We got a lot of good uh a lot. of good calls that came in. We're going. to get to a few of those. Yeah. So, I. want to get into I want to talk to uh I. want to respond to that. Chris Deia, you. know him? And he's really My god, dude. If you've ever.

I mean if you've ever had something just. if you ever had your shadow some of. you'll see if you're standing outside. and you look next to yourself there's. something real dark right there and. that's not a you know this isn't a. racial thing or anything it's your. shadow. and if you ever seen your shadow. sometime if you look over real fast. you'll see it you know doing something. ner doing something naughty you know. maybe looking at a um nudie magazine or, you know, doing one of them um clove.

cigarette, you know, or doing something. real nasty or something or touching his. little dark little wiener. And that's Chris Deia right there. You. know, he lives on the north side of a. tree. You know what I'm saying? He's. that he's that uh he's that he's the. dark art. And he's a dark art man. And. he came at me, brother. He came at me. And uh and I want to talk about that. right here. I want to play uh here's a. clip of uh of what he said right here. Oh, I also want to talk about this one. more thing before we go. So, Theo, my.

buddy, my arch nemesis on this podcast. thing, made fun of me for cancing a show. because of because I couldn't get there. Literally couldn't get there. And you know what? Actually, let me say. this, man. I will never cancel a show. Cool. Here's what things That's a great sound. bite. That's a great sound bite. I see what he's doing here. I have some. news for you. Theo didn't cancel his. show. Theo cancelled his whole European. tour a week before it happened because.

he got a movie. So, not only did he do. what he said he would never do, Wow. He's doing the same thing I'm. doing. I would never do that. What he's doing? Who's the stepdad now? And who's the. real daddy? Dude, he was. Oh, is he okay? Okay, that's enough. Uh, first of all, Chris Leia wears deodorant on his whole.

arm. Okay, so people should know that. that he starts at the wrist with a stick. and brings it all the way up to the pit. So, that right there, that's something. Yeah, I want to say. this. Has Crystalia ever eaten a uh egg. sandwich that that he cooked the egg on. the top of a hot ford? Has he? Uh, no. Have I? Yes. Has Crystalia ever uh. battled rare diseases and beat them or. tied them even? Uh, no. But have I done.

it? Yes. Has Crystalia ever fought a guy. in a sharp dragon suit outside of a JC. Penney when he was younger and beat the. guy, you know, two to, you know, two two. to one rounds? Uh, no. But have I done. it? Yes. Is Crystalia a gated community gangster? Uh, yes, he is. Has he ever lived next. door to an adult video store that also. sold shrimp? Okay. And still managed his.

emotions well, even though sometimes he. was, you know, you know, pleasuring. himself, but also, you know, there's. horseradish in the area. You feel me? Okay. Uh, no. Have I? Yes. Would I ever. cancel a show because of weather? No. wood. Oh yes, you will not find me postponing. a show because of the air elements.

Okay. Storm, rain, fire, second coming, third coming in case Jesus gets lost. You feel me? Sunlight, no light, drizzle, missiles, driles, ice missiles. I will be there. Bring it on, mother nature. And will. Crystalia be there? No. Will I be there? Yes. So, I'm the real daddy. All right. If.

you put my Johnson on a record player. and played it backwards, you can hear it. go. Daddy, daddy, daddy. Cuz I got that. Bose surround pound. You feel me? What's that? I hear someone coming up. the steps there. It's the stepdaddy. Chris's little. and the real daddy is the one that. brings home the metal bacon. Baby, you. feel me? Daddy's on.

[Music]. just so everybody knows what's going on. around here. All right, let's get into some uh Q&A. Um, let's.

start right here from Patreon. David. Laval sent this in. Great conversation. with Bill Burr and it was cool to see. him giving you some feedback and advice. from a guy who's been on top of the game. for a long time. Was there anything in. particular he said that resonated with. you or made you think differently about. comedy and your career? Thank you, David. L. Lavele. Um, you know, it was it was a it was tough.

to it was tough. It was tough. Uh, I was really really glad that Bill. came in. He and I had never had a long. conversation uh in person before ever. We'd had a couple of conversations on. the phone and so I think it was kind of. a new, you know, I don't know if we knew. each other's vibes that well. I mean, or. I don't think he knew mine very well. And that makes sense, you know. I mean, I'm a oyster, you know, I'm a barnacle. and he's a cruise ship, you know. Um,

and it was tough, man. It was It was. tough. Like, I couldn't It was just a. tough conversation, man. It just wasn't. uh It wasn't bad. You know what it was? In hindsight, it was exactly what I. should have expected. You know, he's. Bill Burr. He's a reason there's a. reason that um that I think he's the. best because he's just, you know, he is just he's a train man. He's just a train. and he has his.

thoughts and he has his his ideas and. his and he's poignant about them. And I. don't know if I had expectations in my. head that it was going to be more of. like a. joial chatter or I just think our, you know, I just think our ideas of a of. of of. conversation or the way we we conversate. are just different a little bit. and um.

and he is exactly what I he you know. he's really he was he was Bill Bur to a. tea. He's brash. He's uh he's he's. poignant. He's exactly he's exact. Um, you know, he's he he's really he really. is like a like a NASA, you know, like a. rocket, you know, and I'm more like sometimes. like feel Armstrong, you know, you find. me just kind of mosying around on the. moon, you know, monitoring how I feel. And.

he's more he's that master blaster. He'll shoot right by you. And so, yeah, there were some things he said. that really did kind of resonate with. me. Um, I think when he said that you have to. work well with others, you know, he kind. of said you got to get over not working. uh with others. Um, and I think some of that it's true. It's. like I got to look at myself and it's. like, well, if I'm going to be work in. certain circles, um, then I have to be.

sure that I'm comfortable with it. But I. got to I kind of have to make a decision. so I'm not waffling all the time. Cuz. half my choices you could put syrup on. them, [ __ ] They waffles, you know? I'm. here, I'm there, I got butter, I got, you know, margarine. So who knows? So that was pretty good. Um, what else did I take away from it? Uh,

I definitely I came away feeling like. like it was probably good like if I had. some ego that maybe this was letting. some air out of it. Um, you know, I felt. sometimes like I couldn't like I didn't. know what to say. Um, and I don't know if that's the best. place to be. Sometimes you're supposed. to be interviewing somebody or having a. conversation with them. Uh, but I'm not. like, you know, I wasn't disappointed in. myself or anything like that. I just I.

think we're two different types of. people, you know, when we talked about. material and stuff and I said, well, I. treasure my material more. And for me, that's because I do stories. I tell stories, you know, uh, and so for me, those. things are personal and they're more, you know, there's more of a personal. value to them in that sense. But I think. overall I think no matter what, you know, I was grateful to be able to. have him come in. Um, he's ex, you know,

he is who we thought he was and we let. him off the hook. That's what I feel. like. You know, he's exactly, you know, he was Bill Burr to a tea. To. a te. And he he was exactly who. the thing that I love about him on stage. is exactly what I loved about exactly. what he was in person. And so, you know, I think I think some of his stuff about. manning up and sacking up and I think. that's right. I think I needed to hear.

that. It doesn't mean that I can't still. be myself or that, but it's nice to. sometimes just, you know, sometimes you. want to hear people need to hear. Sometimes only certain ways you can hear. something. You know, sometimes somebody will beat. you with a damn bat. But if you don't. care who who's beating you, you won't. you won't even pay attention. You'll just have bat marks all over your. back and legs and side and, you know, and elsewhere. But. but every now and then somebody who you. know who holds some weight in your life.

will hit you with that bat with a bat. full of facts bro that fact bat and b. out get your [ __ ] together you need a. man up. So I think it was sometimes tough to. like kind of joke around or what or what. our vibes were. I think we're just kind. of off you know. Again I'm more like. that feel Armstrong and he's more like a. little bit more like Rocket Man. Um, but. I'm grateful that I'm grateful that he. came in and uh and that's really I guess.

let me think is there anything else. anything particularly resonated with you. or made you think differently about. comedy and your career? You know, I think it made me think that. if I'm going to get involved with. Hollywood and that sort of stuff that I. need to kind of come to some peace with. it. You know, I think somewhere inside. of me sometimes I have a lot of. just trust issues overall in every space. of my life and commitment issues in. every in every aspect. You know, I don't want to be exploited.

I don't want someone to take advantage. of me. Um, so it's a lot of fear [ __ ]. So, uh, you know, I don't think there. are any any accidents. I think. everything happens for a reason. And um. and so yeah, it's like what can I take. away from that experience? Uh so I think that's most of my thoughts. on it. Um you know, sometimes I wish I'd. have kind of spoken up a little bit. more, but I think I just didn't really.

know kind of what to expect or whatever. And so, um, once things kind of got just. going in this just direction, I was like. I felt like I was on a, um, you ever when you're learning to ride a. bike and you start the first time it. starts going and you're like, you're. like, I can't get it. I can't get it. And then it's going, you're like, and then you just crash right into the. side of a uh, Colgate toothpaste blue. uh, Chevel, you know, and this [ __ ].

gets out and starts talking [ __ ] dude. and it's not even hers. She's just. sitting in it smoking. So, it was kind of like that, you know. I just things got going downhill or. going, you know, downhill and I. couldn't, you know, I just was on for the ride at. a certain point and um so yeah, I think. it was in some ways it was a learning. experience and I don't even know what I. learned from it sometimes, but I'm sure. that certain things will pop up and I. was just, you know, I'm glad that I got. to sit down with somebody that I really. really.

I mean he's just so fearless, you know, he's just so fearless. Um, and I wish I would have asked him more. about like parenting a little bit. Uh, you know, about things, you know, what. things that he loves about his wife. I. don't know. I was kind of thinking about. stuff like that. Um, I could have asked. him, you know, you know, more about like his material. and what does it mean when he gives it. away and that sort of thing, but we're. also at different points in our career. So, him, you know, you know, the world.

that he's living in is different than. the one that I'm living in. Um but but. yeah, you know, I think I just take from. it what I can and and uh you know, and. in the end just be glad that he came and. sat down with me. You know, I could let. it kind of hurt my ego a little and and. I don't think it did that. But I think. if there was some ego in me that needed. to be corrected, then you know, humility. is always, even though it's painful. sometimes, it's a it's a rabbit that. I'll let, you know, run around in my.

shirt. So, I'll get that little freaking. bunny that'll bust my bust my ego up and. put it in my shirt sometimes and let. that [ __ ] hop around, bro. And just. show my chest to it, you know how I'm. doing it. So, my bookie, at the end of a. hard week, it's great to sit down and. take some time off and watch some. football and lay some of your. hard-earned wages on those on those, you. know, those animals on the field. And um. and it is nice when football's back, even if you lay $3, $6, $9 on your uh.

you know, on whoever on Yale to beat. your mother-in-law, you know, or beat, you know, or beat somebody you don't. like. But um but I got to tell you guys. that if if you bet, you got to bet with. my bookie. I wouldn't be telling you. guys to bet with them unless they were. the best. If you like to bet, you know, if you don't like to bet, then you don't. like to bet. But if you're the kind of. guy that likes to bet a little and win a. lot, try a parlay. That's where you take. two shots at it. You do two shots and if. you get them both and you you you kill. that big that lamb, that falcon. If all.

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Also, look, I came home the other day. and they got that box of meat out front. And dude, it's so funny cuz I was. hungry. I didn't have any meat on me. I. didn't have a knife. I wasn't near a. zoo, so I probably wasn't going to have. a lot of good meat. But bam, bam, bam. What is it? It's meat. Not everyone has convenience to access. high quality meat. You know, usually you. have to be on the fro, you know, on the. on the Sahara or you got to be at, you. know, near a petting zoo or something at. night. But now you can get 100%.

grass-fed beef. You can get freerange. organic chicken. I mean, these chickens. have been all over. You know, I'll. probably see some in Maui this weekend. You can get heritage breed pork. God. dang, can you imagine that? having you a. couple little uh little sausages and. tasting its history or wild caught. salmon. They catch it with the damn hand. out there. You see one boy with a big. hand out there catching them and they. bring it right to you in the box. That's. Butcher Box. Butcher Box believes that. everyone deserves high quality, humanely.

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the life of your subscription plus $20. off that first package. Wow. Butcher. box. All right, let's take a call right. here. The hotline is always. 985-664-9503. Hey Theo, it's Zach Johnson from Evangel. University in Springfield, Missouri. And. I just wanted to ask you, what's your. biggest fear? Heyo. Uh, my biggest fear, thank you, Zach, for calling in from Evangel over there. My biggest fear, it's commitment, man.

I think or if you're talking land animal. then I'm saying. probably coyote I think tiger. but less likely to see a tiger because. I'm in the you know I live in the United. States in North America so I'd say. coyote. coyote or mountain cat. man a mountain cat scares me dude I. think about going for a jog sometimes. and I think about a mountain cat and I. just I just stay at home sometimes and.

just relax or something or have some, you know, get some make a popcorn or do. something relaxing. Uh, but otherwise. commitment, you know, I find I struggle. with commitment in almost every every. space in my life. Uh, and it's something I, you know, that. I need to spend some time on. And I'm. not being hard on myself. I just want to. be. I want to be the best of myself. And so. I want to figure out why I have such a. tough time with it. Um. you know and it's also some of it is a.

me generation you know we live in a time. where everybody can you can kind of have. everything you can have everything you. can you can do you know you can you can. be alone and you know everything is. individualized more and so I think that. that doesn't help us realizing how much. we really need each other but for me. it's commitment across work across. relationships. and even being staying committed to. myself, you know, saying I'm going to do. something and following through with it.

Uh, and that's where you build integrity. really is is by staying, you know, saying to yourself, okay, this is how. I'm going to behave and then behaving. that way. Um, and I don't really do the best job. of that. You know, I try though, but uh. but I think that I can try more. effectively and I think I can try by. maybe getting some help uh to try. uh not alone, if that makes sense. Uh.

let's take another call that came in uh. right here. Here we go. Hey, this is Jason from uh Central. Florida. What's up, Jason? Thank you for hitting. it up, baby. Central Florida. And that's. over there. A lot of reptilian over. there. I mean, you [ __ ] dude, you. take a walk through the swamp and come. in come just you walk right out of the. water. Come, you'll have some damn. snakes skin leggings on, you know? You'll find a leech up in your. grandmother's brazier over there. And. those things will suck on your tit right. there. Beautiful big animals over there.

A lot of big mollisk. A lot of sunburnt titties over there as. well. Excuse me. And I shouldn't say. that, man. I I don't want to be thinking. about that right now. Let's do it. I. just uh bought tickets for me and my. future father-in-law for your uh show in. Bethlehem, PA. And uh I'm pumped, man. Can't wait to come up there and see you. Just got the plane tickets confirmed. Um. I don't know what my father-in-law is. going to think, but uh but [ __ ] it. He's. going he's he's from Bethlehem, so I.

thought this would be an awesome. opportunity to for me and him to, you. know, make a connection. Come there and. see you. Gang, man. Thank you. you're bringing. out that father-in-law. um and coming in Bethlehem. That's like. Joseph and Jesus right there. It really. is that, you know, that um that. connection. And Joseph was a stepdaddy. People don't realize, you know, they should really mark that. out in the Bible. They should even mark. it out in just stepdaddy's day on the.

calendar because everybody has so many. stepdaddies now. It's a shame there's not an opportunity, you know, a comfortable opportunity to. buy them a cookie or a sweet, you know, buy them a, you know, a little b, you. know, a sugary dectable or something. like that and do something nice for them. cuz they're good to you sometimes or. they brought your mother some cheap. jewelry or something or got her a boat. Um, but thank you guys for coming. Look, taking a a loved one, if you don't have. a connection with a your you know, somebody you love at their parent, a.

good way to make a connection is to take. them to a comedy show cuz they'll see. what you think is humorous and it can. really bridge a lot of the gap right. there. Uh let's take a call again, the. hotline 9856649503. And also I got to say that uh that if. you smell something. and you if you got your if you put your. nose down near my body, you know, and. you smell something and it's pumpkin. spice,

well, it could be these new MeUndies. because it's that time of year, you. know, the leaves are crunchy, the breeze. is crisp, and it's onesie season. It's. officially fall. Yep. If you put your. ear up outside to the window, you could. hear a scarecrow in the distance, you. know, smoking a pipe or looking to buy a. gram off somebody. And me undies, the. softest undies in the world, knows a. thing or two about the fall because when. it's fall time, the weather gets, you. know, a little naughtier and the weather.

will really it'll just kind of sneak up. on your balls and snicker at them with a. cold little giggle. And the thing you. can do there is if you if you the thing. you can do then is you can get a onesie. from MeUndies. Imagine rolling out in. front of your girl with that sexy ass. onesie. You know what I'm saying? In one. zipper. You could show your chest and. get your junk out and urinate as well if. you want. And I mean they're soft. They're softer than the foam on the top. of that pumpkin spice latte. You feel. me? They're softer than your favorite.

hoodie. Me undies. They're designed to. be the softest thing you ever put on. your body. They're available in sizes extra small. in case you got a little bitty friend. that likes to get naked or unnaked to uh. to 4XL. And we have a great offer for our. listeners. Support the podcast, guys. For any firsttime purchasers, you get. 15% off and free shipping. Yep. 15% off. and free shipping. Meundies.com/weend.

That's meundUnundies.com/weend. And uh and I've got him on right now. And my god, I mean, it feels like just. like a like a soft little, you know, that that downy snuggle bear. It feels. like he's just playing with my nuts and. ass right now. That's how soft these. things are on your body. It feels like. that little downy snuggle bear is just. kind of rubbing his neck up against the. back of my nuts right now. And if you. don't think that's soft,

then my goodness, you don't know what. things are. So, go support the podcast if you can. meundies.com/we. Let's take another call that came in. right here. Hey, man. Huge fan. This is uh Raymond. James. That's my music name. I make. music. Raymond James at music maker. And that's. also the name of the stadium in Tampa. Bay. Raymond James Stadium. Ray J is.

also a man. I think uh he was a famous. rapper or something and he stole. everybody's money off that Fire Island. Let's hear more. But anyways, uh I was I was really. excited to see that uh your show in. Milwaukee uh in October is is got put. back up. Um that's that's great news, man. And I I don't know if I'm calling a. little bit late about this, but I have a. mom I'd actually like to uh nominate for. Single uh Single Nights Mom's Night Out.

That mama nation. That mama nation. We. got you, baby. Onward. Uh her name's Destiny Gonzalez. She's. 27. She's She's got two adorable little. kids. I'm only 23, but I I I met her and. um known her my whole life. And uh. unfortunately the guy is, you know, he. was he's he wasn't in um the kids' lives. at all, but she's a she's a great mom. and I just uh come to the show either. way. Just wanted to let you know. Um.

gang, brother, and I didn't mean to cut. you off, but I'm going to have Nick. reach out to you. Um and we will uh. we'll line it up. We'll do something. special for her. So, uh thank you for. the nomination there in Milwaukee. Um yeah, it' be good. We haven't got to. do that in a while. So, thank you. And. I'm excited to come back to these some. of these places. You know, we took them. off the books and putting them back on. the books. And um and I'm excited. I've. been working on some new material a. little bit the past couple weeks. Uh.

this is still going to be the the the. Dark Arts Tour. I only have about 20. shows left on it. So, it's like about. eight or 10 shows here in the US and. then uh 10 shows over there in Europe. And that'll be the end of Ain't that. crazy, man. That'll be the end of it, man. It's sad. kind of a little bit, but it's not sad. yet. It's still exciting. Uh let's take. a call that came in right here. Here we. go. What's. going on, Theo? This is uh Michael.

calling from Baltimore. I got a had a. little issue here. I've been with my. girl for for 2 years and uh we had a. little conversation yesterday where. where it kind of came out that she. doesn't really want to have sex anymore. Oh, okay. So, she took that nookie, huh? She took that nookie off the mea, baby. Off the table. She took that nookie off the. mea, huh? So, I'm guessing titties only.

or what is it? Let's hear more. It's not necessarily even with me. She. just doesn't enjoy sex at all. And she. she thinks back to the times when she. was single and and when she was out. there and you know she had a couple. little romps herself and she said she. never really. getting [ __ ] That's what they say or. getting, you know, doing sex. Sorry, I. shouldn't have said that part about the. dick. But uh yeah, man. Well, it seemed. like she's been out there before. She. obviously knows what it's like to have. sex. Uh and you guys have had sex, it. seems like. So, sorry. I'm just making.

sure I know all the clues to this. So, let's go more. Enjoyed it then. I guess back then she. said she enjoyed the excitement of going. out and meeting new people, but not. really, you know, even the sexual aspect. of things. We're going to have to make a. decision here next May. She's going to. graduate from uh grad school and go and. get a job somewhere in the country and. and you know, I'm either going to follow. her and and be with her or I'm going to. stay where I'm at. I don't know what to. do.

Well, I think I appreciate your calling, man. You know, if she doesn't want to. have sex and you might have to move with. her, it it's really up to you. It's. like, do you is sex important to you? You know, you could always just draw a. picture of her in the bathroom or in the. shower or something and masturbate to it. and live together. You could uh let's hear any more clues. onward. Man, I don't know if I can be with. somebody who who doesn't want to have. sex. Yeah, I think it's risky, man. It's.

risky. And it also seems she could be a. lesbian. And a lesbian is somebody that have sex. usually at first they have sex behind. your back with other women and then they. just go have sex with women or it's not. even sex. I mean, it is sex, but it's. different. You know, there's not a. wiener. So, it sounds like you got a friend, you know, and I hate to say that to you. I know you love her, but it sounds like. you have like a loving friend.

So, what I would do is I would talk to. her and see if there's any chance for. you guys to have children cuz maybe she. just wants to have kids and you guys do, you know, are just loving parents and. you get your sexual elsewhere. You know, you get your sex down the block down. there by the uh Casey's General Store or. something. Meet a bad [ __ ] over there. by the Hot Cheetos or something or by. the little uh sometime they have pizzas. in there on a little wheelie on that, you know, kind of cooking wheelie.

But it sounds like you have a friend to. me. So my suggestion would be just to. communicate with her real clearly. because if you go spending gas money and. going across America or something on you. might end up in one of those damn cults. or whatever. So. but I wish you well man and I appreciate. you calling in. Uh let's take another. call here. Here we go. Hey Theo, it's your uh Asian brother. Justin from uh Jersey. What's up Jay from Jersey? How y'all.

doing out there, Jersey, dude? And I saw. a friend of mine, bro. Somebody um when. he was real real young, dude. Somebody. uh stabbed him in uh in New Jersey. Onward. Um I was just calling, man, to uh see. how you've been. So, I've been doing pretty good, man. Thanks. for asking. Um what's been going on? Not. much. I'm supposed to go to a party. tonight. Actually, David Spade invited. me out, so you know, I'm name dropping.

and he's coming on the podcast this. week. Uh, but what else? Uh, not much, man. I haven't been. feeling that good, but I'm trying to. just find some more motivation. I'm. trying to just, you know, honestly quit. looking for motivation outside of myself. and look for it more inside of myself. because that's what's missing for me. right now. Um, you know, I'm not [ __ ] you know, I'm. not just kind of sacking up and just. saying, "Look, this is what I want and.

this is, you know, and it's okay and it's okay to, you. know, to to progress and move forward. and and stuff like that." But anyway, I'm rambling about me. Let's hear more. about you, brother. My concern right now. is um I just started meeting this new. girl, met her online. We uh. we uh had uh relations on the first. date. Okay. And that's sex. It could be sex,

could be oral, could be hard oral, you know, and a lot of times a lady will. get down, I've seen on the internet, they'll get on their knees and you get. behind them and hit them with that. hummingbird. You feel me? And that's either where you kind of do. like a real hard tongue, real in and out. like you're uh you know trying to taste. a battery but being afraid trying to you. know touch the top of a durac cell but. having fear you you or you some people. can get an erection real quick and drop.

it at the same time real back and forth. real fast and they'll just kind of do. that on the lady's body on a and do that. hummingbird over there looking for that. sweet that moisture daddy. But Jesus. Christ, man. I'm getting hard thinking. about all this. What is going on today, man? I think my I think I'm thinking. about Hawaii, bro. My body's already in. uh Hawaii. Uh let's hear more. I really like her. Uh we vibe really well. Similar. interests. Um you know, good spooning.

size, all that good stuff. Just uh it's. just bugging me out a little bit that um. she's a very highly sexual woman. Oh. yeah, she got that fifth gear, bro. You. know what I'm saying? She's into. somebody just squeezing on her shoulders. or on her tits. Let's go more, brother. And she. or anything. I mean, a lot of I know a. girl used to wear real heavy shoes when. she would [ __ ] and she'd put even like. she would weigh them down. So you she just had these heavy ass, you.

know, the her feet were just heavy as. [ __ ] dude. just real. just real, you know, like almost like. her own gravity at the end of each leg. Just, you know, she had about 16 lbs of. shoe and, you know, sometime metal kind. of tied to the bottom of it. Just. sexual, you know, people are wild. Doesn't seem. too uh conservative about her sexuality. So, I'm just uh just want to know your. opinion, man, about a about a woman that.

you know is open to relations on the. first date. Well, I mean, you have to be open to it, too. You know, women are a lot more. sexual these days. You know, when I was. young, you had to see I remember one. girl would show sometime would drive by. and press her vagina against a window of. a uh Ford Mustang 5.0. And you know, that was a lot that was a. lot of the most of the sex I had when I. was young was just seeing her go by, you. know, once a quarter or whatever. Once a. Yeah, three or four times a year.

But, uh, what was this about? But you have to, um, oh, here's the thing, brother. You had sex, too, on the first date. So, both y'all did. So, anything you think about her, you. got to think about you. kind of, you know, just, you know. So, if you want her, if you want things to. be different with her, then you got to. make it different. You know, take her to. a splash park or take her to a, you. know, get her over there to the Dairy. Queen or to the Family Dollar. You got.

to go do some shopping, get some craft. stuff, make kites or something. You. know, take her on a date or two without. touching and then bring her over for a. little bit of uh, you know, get get some. of those get a pack of Johnson's BRZ and. grill them bad [ __ ] up. Let her smell. the smoke of that meat. And then later put a little bit of that, you know, uh, tenderizer around your. junk and hit her with that last BR, you know, that I think that sixth BR cuz.

a lot of them come in a package of five. My stepdad used to make them and he. passed away, but before he died, he. would grill them up all the time and. he'd all he ever talked about too. He. had Alzheimer's and he would talk about. Johnson them Johnsonville Brz. [Music]. So, but yeah, I mean, if she has sex on. the first date and you and you like her, I think you got to separate those two. things. You know, you could tell her, "Look, I I really like you. I want to, you know, kind of take things a little. slower. Or you guys can just keep having. sex and just also like her.".

So, but it sound like both of you guys. engaged in it. I love you, bro. Have a. good one, man. I appreciate you calling. in. Um, all right. And I think that's I got to. go to the beach. Uh. here I'll play this one call, man. Here. we go. Thank you guys for calling. Um as. uh as always, the hotline 985664953. Here we go.

Hey, what up the rap king? Elton. onward. Elton. Oh, there you go. El Reong, gracias. Yeah, man. So, I'm just calling cuz uh I. feel a little guilty, man. This past. weekend, I was chilling with my friend. Big Wave Dave. Bub D boy. Big Wave Dave out there, bro. Don't let him drown. You feel me? Cuz.

sometimes people have a name like that, you know, Splashy Johansson or whatever. Or [ __ ] uh you know, they'll have uh. you know, Lake Jake or something like. that. And then they drown. So cuz they, you know, they try to live up to the. name onward. We're making the magic brownies, baby. I'm not talking about that Bill Coffee. special. I'm talking about that that. weed. Okay. You talking about that green, that. leafy dessert, huh? You made some weed. brownies. And what else? Onward. And uh Yeah. So we made them brownies,

right? I was higher than Buzz Do. I feel you. Look, bro. I'm feel. Armstrong. You got me. Go. The next. morning, I got a call from my father. He. said, he said, "Your mother's in the. emergency room.". Oh, man. I'm sorry to hear that, dude. Uh, I just didn't expect you to say that. just now because you and Big Wave Dave. Boy or whatever his name was, you know. Um, you guys were just having snacks.

Onward. I was shocked. I said, "Well, what. happened?". And he said, "Nothing. She felt like she. was having a heart attack. She was dying. or something. Well, that's something, bro. That's not. nothing nothing is, you know, maybe sitting sitting outside. on the porch or something. Or, you know, getting in your car and you. haven't started it yet, but you haven't. you're not looking at your phone yet or. anything. You're just sitting in there. Um, onward.

I said, "Damn. Well, what she eat?" He. said she didn't eat nothing. She just. ate a little bit of those brownies you. left in the morning except for last. night. I mean, I'm sorry. So, yeah, just. feeling a little guilty. Probably won't. ever tell her. And um yeah, it's just a. heavy load to carry on on me for the. rest of my life. Gang gang, baby. Gang, bro. Yeah, that's a lot. When you. out there drugging your own mother. secretly through dessert, that's heavy,

you know? That's real real heavy when. your mother, you know, the lady that. brought you out of her own womb, bro. She sprouted you out into the world. through that vaheen papa and you. drugging her out at the house. She can't. even go to her own ice box and get a. couple of sweet treats without you. [ __ ] dousing her up. Jesus Christ, papa. I mean, come on, bro. Your own mother. who who gestated you inside of her body, brother. who sprouted you from the size.

of nothing. and who just el just let you down that. magic sweat elevator into the world into. existence. and you out there dousing her up with. them little Cosby cakes, bro. Come on, man. Bro, you need to write your mom a. letter, dude, and mail it to her and. tell her what happened. Bro, I don't. think it's the thing you say face to. face. I think you send her a letter and. say, "Look, Mom.

I'm that dude, you know, that drugs his. mother. I'm the guy who drugs his mother. through nighttime, you know, through. sweets, through, you know, morsels, through, you know, dessert. Cuz who, you know what I'm saying? What. What's next? You going to, you know, slip your father a couple things of. Molly, bro? You going to put a little. percoet in your in your sister-in-law's. pudding? Where does it end? So, I think. coming clean, bro. That's it. And they they'll call you big.

wave Dave and come and clean Jean. And I. know your name is not Jean, but if it. was, it would make great sense there. So, that's all I got, man. That's all I. have for you today. Uh, I'm going to. Hawaii. I want to thank Nick. I want to. thank you guys. Um, and uh, what else is going on? Not much. I'm excited to just kind of chill out. for a week. And I literally just decided. kind of at the last minute. And I've. been hoping that to get things all lined. up and uh and everything is is okay. So,

um thank you guys for calling in. Thank. you guys for the support and I'm excited. to come and hit those tour dates. and I hope you're doing well. You know, I hope you're making it through another. week. It's an exciting time of year to. look forward to, you know, uh, with Christmas coming up and, you. know, they got all the fancy drinks at. Starbucks coming up, you know, and it's. a beautiful time of year. It's a good. time to meet somebody new or to let.

somebody know you care about them. It's. a good time to make your mother some. cookies that are uh, you know, that. aren't a schedule one narcotic. So, it's really just a it's a good time. to to be somebody and to do something. for someone. And uh yeah, I'm going to. try to just just take it easy, man, and. be grateful. I'm grateful you guys are. here today. Um you guys be good to. yourselves cuz you guys deserve it. You. know, I know that. I say it every week, but uh but I mean it, gang.

[Music]. I'm just sitting on your front porch. wondering how could I be so far from my. home. And my mind is somewhere else. But when.

I find it, I'll patch up where it's been. blown. Now I'm just falling on the breeze. And. I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I. must be corner stone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll. share this piece.