David Spade | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #580

right here. We've got some new new tour. dates to tell you about. I'll be in. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on July the. 9th, Rochester, New York on July the. 10th, and Detroit, Michigan on July 11th and 12th at the. Fox Theater. As well, we have shows up. coming in Miami, Cedar Rapids, St. Paul, Fargo, Rapid City, Winnipeg, and. Calgary. You can get all your tickets at.

theon.com. Thank you so much for the. support. Today's guest is a legendary. comedian and actor. Um, he's a friend of. mine. Probably my closest friend in. Hollywood, I'll say that. Or out of that. area, you know. Um. uh and it I just feel blessed to know. him. He's got a new special Dandelion. streaming now on Prime Video. Uh you.

know his classic movies, Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Joe Dirt. Um this guy's got a big heart, I'll tell. you that. And one of the biggest senses. of humor that exists. I'm happy to. welcome back today's guest, Mr. David. Spade will find a song I've been. singing. [Applause].

All right, we ready? We ready? Waiting. Waiting. This is a [ __ ]. waiting game. Waiting for Galado. Have. you seen that movie? that play Waiting. for Gal? Yeah, waiting. I like Galado. Waiting for Galado. It's like a new It's. a female take on No, it's not. You. haven't seen that? Waiting on Galado. Oh, I would wait on her. No, it's in a.

It's a It's a um Waiting Waiting on GDO. That one. It's a a book that her. assistant wrote. There's one called Waiting on Is that. true? That's a good one. If it is, you. know what's a good one? Waiting on. Sorry. Waiting on who? That's Rachel. Ziggler. That's what her That's what the head of. Disney wrote that book. Waiting on. Rachel Ziggler, dude. Well, what. happened? They didn't put What happened. with that whole thing? Um, they didn't. put Little People in it, right? First,

is that what happened? Oh, in Snow. White. Yeah, Snow White. I think the. problem was. uh there was I don't think there's any. problem with casting her. Galado is. gorgeous. She's a good wicked queen. I. think they lo they they started with the. dwarfs and uh they and they made them I. don't know what happened. Dwarfs should. I think the idea was they should work. like if right little people should have. the ability there's there's seven jobs. out of the 10 a year. So let's give them.

these 10 these seven and then uh I don't. think I would leave it up to them. Do. you guys want to work? You know I sound. like it's so horrible you guys. I mean, listen, there's a lot that work. People. say Peter Dinklage, but they can't name. 10 more that are that work a lot. So, hell, leave it up to them. Well, yeah. Well, I think they also I think he got. pretty dei here, too, which is fine, but. it's like if they were white dwar like.

is the first one is that that's not um. these are the. original first guy. Yeah. I mean, I. think his wife lets him. He hasn't he. hasn't been doing well. He's standing. all Yeah. wife kicked him out. It's. rude. And first of all, that's Frier. Tuck, who they obviously just repurposed. from Robin Hood. So that's not cool. Oh, right. And and uh so they just This is. their new version. It's the exact And. who is that? That's like 49ers. quarterback. That's Yeah. Throws a park. That guy. What's his name? That the JJ. Walker is close to the back. Yeah.

David, can you pull your mic up closer? Closer than this? Yes. Yes, please. Jesus. That's what guys say when they. put their wiener in my face. Can I go a. little closer? I go, why? What are we. doing? This isn't a [ __ ] They go, "No, no, no. Just try to touch the back. of your throat with it." I go, "But that. sounds like it's heading towards a. beach." Yeah. Yeah. Oh, is he talking. about Kaepernick? Yeah, there's your boy. right there. And who's the last guy at. the end of the line? That is um that. guy. No, that scroll. Who's the guy in. the back? Yeah, the guy in the back.

That's a woman. No, that isn't It could. be. That guy's just a homeless dude that. walked on the set just like temporarily. They really got effed on Snow White, though. That is uh it did not work in. any way, shape, or form. So, it's like. cool. I guess people didn't like it. Then Minecraft came along and beat the. [ __ ] [ __ ] out of it. Well, so Snow. White, it should be about the fentanyl. problem, huh? I think China White was. Yeah, that's what it should be. I was.

around for China White when I was a kid. Like that was the uh I was so lucky cuz. you used to do a little sniffy jiffy I. heard. And uh it is um fun. There are. negatives. Yeah. But we always start. with the positives especially about that. if I could afford more when I was. parking cars and being a bus boy. I. would have uh definitely gone crazy. I. could not thank God I could do a quarter. gram in a weekend and I just I could. only afford 25 bucks. That was it. And. uh yeah, even that wasn't money well.

spent. But don't get all excited. You're. getting a boner. It is exciting. I mean, talking about it, doing it, it was fun. It was hard to just quit it. But it just. I just watch and you go, "No way to have. a career. There's no way to have. anything good with all this pressure and. [ __ ] you got to do." And people like to. rat you out and people like to say, "This guy, you know, he's little [ __ ]. dishe." Yeah. Little power flower now. and then. So, if they start getting that. word out there, I luckily never got that. word. I didn't do any of the whole SNL. And that's the funniest part is that I.

did dabbled a little bit before that. Just cuz I was in [ __ ] show biz. And. you're from Arizona, from Scottdale. Yeah, Scottdale. Yeah. Well, it doesn't. mean it wasn't really the cocaine. capital of the world, but you know, I. was in the comedy biz and a couple guys. had it and I was like [ __ ] I would. partake just for fun and uh obviously. And then Oh yeah, brother. But one time. I did a lot and I was like, yeah, feel. like I should go to the hospital. You. know, keep saying and then you'll walk.

over there. That's the craziest is. [ __ ] sprinted. No, because the funny thing is you just. turn into John Benet one bump and I'm. like, I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy and I'm. feeling great and then I I I I made my. friend drive me and I got there and he's. like and it was freezing and I was. shaking and tight and he goes, "You got. to go in there." And I and he goes, "But. they're going to ask cuz I did stand up. for about a year, right?" And they go, "They're going to ask." And they're. going to Yeah. They're going to have to. call the police. I go, "No, no, no.".

Extra scared. And he cranks the heater. on in the car. And I'm starting to. [ __ ] sweat, but this is a good. friend. Cuz he was there with me for 3. hours. He goes, "I'll let you. You. should go in there in a second, but just. tell me more." And I was like, I was. calming down. This was the trick. I. didn't know this. And my heart was going. from like 3,000 over 2,000 to like. started to get back to normal. And then. it got light out. And then I go, "Let's. go home." Oh, so gross. And then I go, "I'll never do it again." Four days.

later. Hey, dude. I'm [ __ ] janking. What a great guy. There's me. And they. make me jam. Oh yeah, Jav Brother. Dude, it's funny. Beautiful. in those days. First of all, there. because it reminded me of my old car. because this place is out in the middle. of nowhere next to some junkyard where. we're shooting. This is a nice area. I. mean, it's a nice area if you have no. money. Um, so I I used to go to this.

junkyard and go to pick a part. You know. what that is? Where you have they have. all the cars out there. You go looking. for what you need and you get a part for. your own car. No one thinks this ultra. [ __ ] did that. I'd go out there when. they got him socket wrench looking for a. Subaru brat. handle. you know, they go out there. And. that's how all that Joe Dirt stuff. started because I'm like, I did that. Get an alternator, put it in my Volvo, put it in wrong, uh, and just live that. gross and it's 110 degrees out there and.

you're burning your hands. I remember my. old Volvo was a 62 and I I um it looked. like a planter. I should have shaved the. top off, filled it with dirt, and I. would take, if I ever had a date, which. was rare, it was leaking a quart of oil. a day. Yeah. So, for those of you at. home that don't know, that's a lot. And. I had to buy a quart like a like a box. of pens oil. And then every day at some. point, I had to put a quart in. And if. you ever had a date, it was so. embarrassing because at some point I had.

to have them put a cord in, you know, and I had to explain how to do it. And I. had to sit in the front seat and go, "No, you got to poke the hole." And then. you got to and poke one on the other. side. Well, that was like the original. Viagra, I think, was like you'd have to. pull your car and put a quarter oil in. it, you know? Yeah. But the rev of the. engine would keep everybody possible. It. keep you sexually possible, you know? But then now it's like, dude, just you. have people literally drinking oil and. blue shoes or whatever at the same. It's.

like it's all on the responsibility of. the man. There's there's a new problem where it's. like I don't want this guy screaming at. me again. The microphone's too far away. from my mug. So, there's a new problem. with with a lot of people on medication. and I when I grew up I don't think. anyone was now. Did we have autism? Did. we have ADD? It just people thought. you're weird. That's all you know. So, or just different and then now people. are on uppers downers. So, there's that.

and some boners go away. That's what I'm. hearing. So that's why blue chew and. boner pills are are everywhere. And u I. I feel like when I go to the gas station. and and they always have like those sort. of fake ones right there. Oh yeah, like. rhinoceros. Two two billion. Huh? Impulse buy. And I go I don't know. And. I'm getting my stuff. Here's my. pretzels. And they're like, hey, rod for. the road. I'm like, why not? Let me I'm. going to Irvine. It's a long drive. Who. wants a boner to drive around anyway? I.

don't know if that's what they're for. Yeah, I don't get them. I don't get a. lot of like man-made boners or whatever. they're called anymore. I get mine. Yeah, there's some power zen uh vicious. [ __ ] serpent extreme rod. Yeah, I love. those. Actually, this is kind of merged. with like um the fireworks circuit. I. think these things and fireworks are so. close to being just compatible. Dude, I. heard a story that you that we had we.

just had a bus driver when we were doing. touring for standup. Yeah. And he. either he or his brother had driven you. and one time you stopped at a fireworks. stand and went in and did your Joe Dirt. Bid. Is that true? Well, I think we had. the same driver because I think he. texted me and said, "I got Theo now.". Um, but I was I don't do a lot of bus. tours and we were I think in Kentucky it. was perfecto for Joe Dirt. And so so. many people were saying were knowing me.

from Joe Dirt that I said uh [ __ ] there. are fireworks stands here like there. were in Arizona when I grew up. And so I. said let's let's find one and pull over. I just want to go in and see what they. have, you know? Yeah. See the new stuff. You got the good stuff? I did ask them. if they got the good stuff. And then uh. so the funny part was we went in and it. was sort of an older woman and and two. younger guys and they knew me right away. but I did have a hat on in shades but. they knew it right away and then they. took me around and showed me all their. ones. The Godfather this one uh you know.

it's basically just basically you get to. a point where what North Korea has. Yeah. It's really it gets very extreme. We when I grew up black cats the basics. M80s uh Roman candles were a hit. Yeah. Um, and then Whistling, uh, [ __ ]. Chasers. That's what we called him in. the movie. Then we had to switch it to. Kitty Chaser. Oh, really? Is that true? Oh, yeah. Whistle bungle. Yeah. And now, uh, Spleen Splitters. Yeah. Me and Fred.

Wolf just made these up. Some Some sound. real. Them whisker biscuits. Those honky. lighters are for sure. Yeah. Cherry. bombs was real. Uh, kicking wing. whistling bung holes is. fake. But we had quarter sticks, M80s. We'd go to Mexico and get uh quarter. sticks and half sticks of dynamite. Really? No supervision at all. Yeah. Yeah. That's when they have real. dynamite. That's not fireworks anymore. No, it gets in a different area. Yeah. Like you should join a labor union. I. feel like they're like, oh. They open.

your trunk, they go I go, I've got. fireworks. They're like, this is an. AR-15. I go, I know. Fire comes out the. front. It's it's it's very murky what. you can describe as fireworks these. days. Yeah. We had I'm trying to think. the crazes where fire don't works like. the ones where you'd light them and it. would just come out the other side or. you would light them and then your. stepdad would call your mom a [ __ ] and. just drive off. You're like how is this. even connected? It was like oh is this a. fireworks at Coachella misfires and hits.

area near crowd of people and sets tree. on fire. Oh, I think this was part of. MGK's outfit. This part of his outfit, dude. How bad. did you [ __ ] miss? You're just aiming. for the air. Oh, they should make the fireworks when. you light them and then they they only. hit a pedophile when they take off. Yeah, that pedophile chasers. Yeah. And. it's light them up in DC. This looks. like the inside of the Minecraft movie. when they bring the chicken jockey out. Have you seen that? People light. fireworks in there now. There's a part.

of the movie that something happens. Everyone used to throw popcorn at the. screen and now they've gone now they get. in fights and they light off. firecrackers and it goes bananas. So. they have to stop the movie now. Is it. like um like kind of like Rocky Horror. Picture a little bit worse because they. were contained and they Okay, something's going to wrong go. Oh, is. this Terry? This is like uh this back it. up, Terry. Let's see it. Are we allowed. to show this? This the darker side of. fireworks here. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, hold. on.

I don't know if this is the guy that. should be lighting him and running. He. should sort of be kicking back about 100. feet away. Yeah. Yeah. This is crazy, dude. These guys do not look like. professionals for sure. They don't know. where to light. it. This is Guys Make a Wish Foundation. want to light fireworks. Put it in. reverse. Terry, put in Get out of there, Terry. No one helps him. Damn, Terry. What you.

doing, Terry? Help him. I'm like, what are you doing, Terry? Help [ __ ] Terry. He's blinded. He. can't see the goddamn control panel. God [ __ ] Oh, dude. They're not getting. It's so funny. I cannot stand to watch. people on that just film things and. never get involved. They laugh their. [ __ ] ass off no matter what. You see. the guy who fell in the water the other. day? No. Oh, bring up that guy who they. paid they they earned him like $300 or.

$400 to get into the water of like a. flash flood basically. No, I'm sure he's. dead. It was a beautiful young man. I. don't know how he's doing. Um, see if you can find that dude while. we're doing the craziest was like the. the saddest was we had a guy by us, a. dad, and he was like. just like barely a dad. He was like kind. of like a whimsical kind of dad like. wish he'd never probably been married um. to a and I'm going to say this fast so I. don't sound like sexist or anything.

woman, you know. And he would only get. his kids smoke bombs. So they would. light like a million smoke bombs. I like. smoke bombs. But they're cool, but they. would have nothing. And they would do so. many of them. It would look like that. Indian holiday or whatever. You know, the one where like suddenly you see this. bunch of Indian people crossing the. street who look like they got attacked. by like an Easter um like a Easter. chalkboard or something, you know? Like. they clap the Yes. Like somebody just. empty or LeBron at the Laker game goes. like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like it was.

Easter Sunday and LeBron was just firing. off right in front of him. See, yeah, smoke bombs aren't as fun as they sound. Uh, you need more [ __ ] going on. Is this. it? Oh, yeah. There's firecracks in the. Minecraft. See, in the movie theater. Look how my [ __ ] story checks out. Yeah. Wow. Oh my god. And who did this? Israel. Yeah. This is a This is Gaza. This is. crazy. Like we say Gaz, we laugh. So. [ __ ] uncool. It's so It's a comedy. show.

It's hard if sometimes you got Hey, you. know what a police officer told me one. time? He said that they'll have they'll. show up in a place with a bunch of. murders and you'll see police officers. stand outside laughing because it's a. thing that happens to people when. stuff's painful. Yeah, it's so serious. He says they do it. So, well, that's. what comedians do. It's too too heavy. duty. Dude, well, the reason we brought. you here is because you have a comedy. special coming out, man. That's right. First of all, thank you for coming, dude. No, you look great, dude. I love. seeing you. Thank you, dude. You've been. drinking tomato juice or something? Mhm.

Remember when V8 was the only healthy. thing? I don't think there's one tomato. in V8. I don't know what's in it. They. were like, "This is a [ __ ] [ __ ] when. you were growing up." Oh, dude. Yeah. And rich guys would pour it in their. engine or whatever as well. And some. people pour it in their butt. Yes. I'm. like really rich guys would pour it in. their butt. I'd be It was to It was. never I never liked it. Um it was tomato. juice and uh I think vegetable juice, but it like who drank it? I think like a. mom would drink it if they were healthy.

or they were trying to make a baby or. whatever. It didn't get around my squad, but I know that I heard about it and I. was grossed out by it. Uh, you know. what's funny is I was just in Las Vegas. Oh, you know, we went to a fight. I was. going to tell you this. We went to a UFC. fight, right? Theo and I went to a fight. about a year or so ago. And you know. what? I called you to go to this fight. I thought it was in Vegas and it was in. Florida. Oh. And I and then you had a. gig that night anyway. But I was a great. card. You, me, and also your um Jod.

Jodie and also. the comedian, famous comedian. Oh, Dennis and Dennis Miller. We went one. time. That was So So do you remember. this story? Did I already tell you this? You You know it obviously. So this time. I just did a corporate yesterday at. Vegas. So I'm staying at the area Arya. short for named after Ariana Grande. I. don't I don't know. And um so I'm over. there and it's connected to the hotel we. were at. Yeah. And the day we went to. the show the uh you like to go early to.

the fights as we know because you go. help set up the chairs and armor all the. ropes and uh you go cuz the fight start. at like [ __ ] 1. I'm like we just. landed and you're like you want to go. there? You want to go to the hotel. first? I'm like well I think it's at 7. and you're like and you were being so. nice going oh you want to go you want to. wait till 7:00 and I'm like yeah because. that's the the good ones start. They're. on TV and it's still 3 hours and for. Spade to sit for 3 hours is [ __ ]. rough with these brittle [ __ ] bones.

So you're like, "Cool, cool. We'll go at. 7." I and I didn't know that you wanted. to go really bad earlier. So we're. eating and I'm like, "This spaghetti is. good." You're like, "Let's [ __ ] go.". So I have a car taking us. It's It's. like a black Suburban, right? Yeah. So. AC in it. We go out front. He's not. there. It's so weird because they always. get there early and you're like, "Well, we got to go. It's quarter to 7:00 and. we got to be there at 7:00. and we're. next to the arena and I'm like, "Fuck, where's this guy?" And then he hits me. up and goes, "Hey, dude." You go, "Let's. get an Uber." And I go, "Well, give him. a second." And then I go, he goes, "Oh,

I blew I spaced. I'm sending another. car. It'll be there in a second." I go, "We're in a hurry." He goes, "It's it's. very close." So this and I see you're. Jen. First I've seen you kind of get. mad. Yeah, cuz I was getting mad, too, because I'm like, "Fuck, what is where. is this guy?" And plus, we're stressed. So the Suburban pulls up, we jump in and. the guy goes, "Okay, what are you going. to?" And he goes, "You deal?" And you're. like, "Yeah." And I'm like, "Hm." And. then I go, "This is my driver." And then. I looked down and we started. It was. International Fight Week as Yeah, it.

was. This is good. This is how he sound. This is actually sounds like him. It's. not nothing bad. Fair. So then the. driver text me goes, "Hey, did you just. pull out? I just saw you." And I go, "Wait, is this not the car?" And I go, "Theo, what is this?" He go, "I called. an Uber, dude. It's taking too long." I. go, "Okay." So, we go and now I go and. the funny part was I go, "Hey, dude. All. right, if if you're going to this. T-Mobile, we got to go in the loading. dock. That's where we have to get our. tickets and enter." And he goes, "Oh, no. That's only for VIP special." And I.

go, "Right." And he goes, "You want VIP. special?" Yeah. And we go, "No." And he. goes, "Oh, you have to be special." And. I go, "Oh, we we're we're special." And. he goes, "No, no, that's for special. people." And I'm like, "I get And then. Theo goes, "No, he's special. He does. movies and stuff." And he looks back and. he goes, "No, he knows special." Why do. you know I'm no special, you [ __ ] So, uh, he wouldn't take us. So, then you. you just go, "Let's just get out." Yeah. So, we just got out in the street and we.

saw a door and then they go, "Oh, you. wrong door." Yeah. Hey, you got to go to. animals and like lighting for all of. Noah's arc's animals. And so they go, "So we're trying to get a hold of. everyone and they go, you're you're not. at the special door." We go, "I know. This [ __ ] guy wouldn't believe it.". So we had to find a way to get either. all the way to the other side or cut. through. They finally sent someone to. get us. Yeah. But uh it was quite. humiliating. The guy didn't believe for. a second we were special. Not at all. I.

even showed him a video of yours from. one of your movies and he laughed. That's funny. and he's like, "Oh, it. kind of look like him, but not him." UFC. 3:15 will be on the TV. The snacks and. the beverages will be ready to go. The. best way to make that one two combo even. better is by trying to win some real. cash with Pick Six from DraftKings, the. official daily fantasy sports partner of. UFC.

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it because of the of the music or not? I. don't know. Oh, that's a good point, huh? You know, I don't know. Ask those. [ __ ] clowns in there. Uh did they. take off? We could show it on silent if. we want. Do It's good with the song. anyway. That's all. Cuz you show that. clip in your show. Yeah, we showed it. during the halftime or like towards the. like end of the show. Yeah. My friend. was in Tallahassee. They hit me up. They. go, "Oh my god, this [ __ ] clip just. played. It's great." Yeah. Did they. really? They were excited. Oh, that's. awesome. They show Oh, that's cool. It's. been well received by people, you know,

just people getting to see the getting. to um It's a good little window into it. See the trailer for Bus Boys. Yeah. I'm. trying to think. What do you think's the. toughest part now having like kind of. put a movie together from the beginning? What do you think is kind of one of the. toughest parts? [ __ ] I mean, it's it's. all um it's tough all the way along the. way because we're just doing it alone. Usually, we work for a boss, Paramount, Sony, Netflix, you know, they tell us. what to do and we kind of just we're. we're on our own, but we also know.

there's someone else calling some shots, the bigger shots, budgetary things, this. and that, casting we have to agree on. So, I rarely I never gone into it like. this where it's just me and you. And. that's good. There's some some tough. part about, but it's overall the best. because we put it up, we're going in. It's such a complicated process. So, it's almost too much because usually. there's someone that cover this and you. can kind of oversee it. But to get into. everything about pre-production and. budget and casting and locations and all.

the union stuff, we got to know. That's. where it gets hard. And now we've gotten. through the hard part. We got it. We. shot it through the fires, through all. the stuff. very tough point. Very tough. to get through a movie and then there. was so many things that were tough. I. always say after movie, I'm not doing. this again. It's too hard and everyone. thinks I'm, you know, huge [ __ ] But. it's more, it's mentally tough. It's. hard. You got to memorize stuff. You're. driving all day. You're getting out. there dark and it's such a luxury to do. a movie that you can't complain to.

anyone. I can complain to you, but we. we're in it together. So, we get it. But. and you can tell other people in movies, but regular people go, you know, they they actually bust their. ass, right? So we're we're like. pretending to be people that work hard. That's our that's us in a movie. So. hilarious. We're bus boys. So anyway, uh. yeah, they give you just long enough to. polish the gun that you have in your. trailer and then before you can use it. on yourself, they're like, "Hey, we need. you back on set." Yeah. It's always. like, "Where are they? I'm walking with.

number two. Where's number one?" I I'd. go for a walk. They just follow me. You. know, they walk out of your set, you. know, you walk around the trailer and. you're like, and you're always miked and. you're always, it's all, you know, and. it's [ __ ] freezing. I thought it'd be. too hot. It's freezing. So, anyway, we. finish it and now it's rough cuted and. now the hard part is just getting it to. a point where we think it's good and. you're not wasting jokes. Yeah. Like a. lot of things we did had like Theo was. very good on the set of we're actually.

good together because I think you're. great and if we have a scene and we do. it then we just start goofing around a. couple before we leave get a few extra. jokes in. So which one of those do we. use? It's very hard. This is funny for. one reason, this is funny for another. And the rest of your life people will. remember one joke and they'll never see. the other three. And you go [ __ ] did we. pick the right one for that? that for. someone who's indecisive like me and you. are kind of too that it's hard to do and. then yeah, you just got to pick one, lock it down and then we'll probably I.

think our next step we'll show it to. like 20 30 people because you really get. a feel for where there's a dead spot, where there's something that works. Yeah. You got to have honest friends. look at it. Yeah. And I have friends and. and friends are always going to start by. saying they like it and then but I. haven't had [ __ ] one person look at. it yet. I'm too scared. I um the. director of uh all these movies, Pete. Seagull, who's great guy, he came by the. set one day and he did Anger Management. and The Longest Yard and 50 First Dates. and uh and Tommy Boy and all these.

movies. So he I said, I might have you. take a look at it because I just want. you as an observer objectively, where. are we with this? And that's the only. guy. But I do want at some point when. you get your fixes in and we get we get. something we kind of like and then we. show it. Yeah. And then that'll tell us. a lot. We'll be like, "Oh my god, this. is way funnier than we thought." They're. laughing at this stuff instead of that. laugh. I didn't see that coming. Like a. cutaway. And then they go, "Oh, this. feels flat." And some people might be.

confused at the end. We go, "What? Where. did did you understand what this was?". People are like, "Were you guys playing. [ __ ] bus boys?" Like, "Oh, boy. We're. way off." Okay. You didn't get that part. because you know people don't know. They. they just watch. Yeah. I mean that's the. scariest part I feel like is trying to. just like see before you show it to. somebody is like do is what I think. makes sense here make sense to other. people, right? Because we know it. We're. too close to it. Yeah. You know, I think. it gets even jokes where people go, I. see one clip and they go, "Oh, that's.

great." I go, "Oh, it is because I've. seen it 10 times. I don't know what's. funny anymore." Yeah. you know, so it. does take. objectively, but it's so [ __ ]. stressful. Um, what do you feel like was. one of the funnest days that we had? Uh, that's a good question. It's funny. because every day has an underlying. stress level of knowing your lines, getting things done, losing the light. We got to get this. Is it right? Uh, do. we know what we're doing? Is it setup. blocking? All that [ __ ] But I have I'm.

good at giving long answers that are. boring. Um, uh, I thought it was. fun when we were in the layer with the. drugs. That was kind of fun because. there's a lot of people. When there's a. lot of people, it's fun. Yeah, when. there's a lot of people, it's fun. We. kept having to go up and down that. ladder like Ninja Turtles. Remember. that? That was in a like a condemned. building. that I I go, I guarantee you they should. shut this down. Yeah. They had as there. was like asbestos like uh art on the. walls and everything. We had to write.

asbestous into the script because there. was so much. It was like co-starring and. yeah, there was we were underneath like. a Sears building in downtown and uh. remember the alarm went off or the the. old heater went off in there and it just. like it's I think it was an old nuclear. reactor or something or or it was a uh. Amber Alert. It made McMuffins. I know. that. Yeah, we would go I go, "Oh, it's. lunch." Yeah, they cleared us all out. from the We should even tell them this, but anyway, I like that. We were on the. desert a lot. It was kind of fun being.

out. Um, and then we were in there doing. Bus Boy [ __ ] with Tim Dylan I thought. was funny. Oh yeah, he's fun. Yeah, that. was great. Just getting to see him. He. has a new special that just came out, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, he's. great. You just have a you have a comedy. special. Oh, yeah. My I'm sorry. Coming. up, you guys hear him? Okay. Sorry. Yeah, it's great. Okay. You have you. have you have David David, could you put. the mic behind you now? Come on. Would. that help? Um, you have a comedy special. coming out? I do. did a. um a comedy special for Amazon and we.

did it in Denver and um it's. interesting, you know, putting together. a comedy special. You're on the road and. some sometimes you you want new stuff in. there that's a little undercooked. because it's new and different and you. just started doing it and then sometimes. you want to uh and then you want the mo. and then most of the stuff is polished. and buff. So you got to I I did it. probably an hour 20 and cut it down to. just under an hour. Dang, big gun. Is. this a clip or is that a photo? Little. overshot. Play that clip a little. Let's. see if there's anything clippable here.

Oh, this is [ __ ] funny. I feel it. already. [Music]. I was 8 years old. I almost got. kidnapped. I'll make it funny. It came. out weird. Blonde hair. Looked like exactly. McCauley Hogan. And I was kind of tan. I. was like shorts. I mean, it was almost. entrament. I'm a bit of a dandelion. I don't know. if you can tell. I look tough on TV, but. these quads are deceiving.

Yeah, you're. um Yeah, look at that. Dandelion is cuz. I'm such a [ __ ] puss and I couldn't. think of a good name. That's Oh, no. You're great, dude. Uh it looks great. You look very healthy in that. You It. reminds me of David uh Davney. Yeah, a. little bit. And the guy um from Who? That guy from. [Music]. um that guy that his partner on the TV. show. I'm talking about Shrek. No. Um.

go ahead. Who am I? It's. like the guy's got all the kids. Tim. Tim the Toolman. Taylor. That's him. You. were looking for Al Borland. Al Borland. That's who I look like in with that. [ __ ] shirt on. You look like Gal. Borland. The dude that gets the gals on. Yeah. That's hysterical. I that was not. exactly what I was going for and thank. you for that ins insulting insult. But. no, he seems like a good dude. I just. don't Actually looks better than me.

[ __ ] What am I saying? What the [ __ ]. dude? Yeah, screw him showing up. Play. girl magazine. Look at him. He's naked. from the waist down with his dong out. Yeah. Huh. You don't get to see that. anymore. You know, like when they tell. you what to wear, I mean, they don't. tell you, but they go, "What are you. going to wear?" And of course, I'm not. like a full girl going to the Oscars, so. I go, "I don't know." So it gets closer. and they're like, "Show it so we can. hold it up with the backdrop." I go, "I. don't give a [ __ ] dude." So I get there. and I'm I have two outfits. I have this. outfits. It's already bad enough. I just.

said outfits. So I walk into the rack. like Elton John. Like Nordstrom rack. No, just a rack of clothes. Oh yeah. From Nordstrom Rack. Yeah. So I go in. there and I go, "What about this?" Then. I go out there that day and they're. like, "Do you still not know?" And I go, "I don't And then uh I wear the shirt. and then I go I'm gonna put So I just. wore a shirt and a coat that I wasn't. supposed to wear because you know and. they go you need a copy of that in case. I go you think I'm going to ruin this. between shows and they're like yeah so I.

fell for that last time and then Nikki. Glazer goes some dress from like 1930. and I go oh well don't you have to have. a double? She goes [ __ ] that. I'm not. going to. And I go yeah what am I doing? Why am I taking [ __ ] orders? Wasting. money on extra clothes, too. Yeah. And. and all all of mine are like one of a. kind. Oh, it's You can tell that's. authentic. One of a kind flannel. shirt that you can have in any Google. search in two seconds. Uh but it was fun. to do. I'm glad it's out. Uh it's fun. You know, some of the jokes I still do.

because they're longer now. That's the. funny thing is you do a joke and then. it's it's a minute of your act and then. now it's five minute chunk. I'm like, "Oh, but I did the beginning, but now. it's so much longer." But I don't really. care. I like a couple things I've done. before because they really work and then. I put in new stuff and then it's just. always in rotation of I'll pull. something from the old bag and then I'll. have all this new [ __ ] So, whatever. Yeah, that's kind of how I feel about. it. What do you do? What do you do? Yeah. It's like there's some bits I do. because I know people want to hear them.

and there's some people's favorites and. it's like, well, I want to make sure I. get that in for a couple minutes, you. know, if it's a big show. I because you. know it's never like you do some bit. that. works and it doesn't work. Like if it. bombed and people are like boo like you. did that before. It's not like that. They still work. Yeah. Yeah. They want. to see the new stuff too. And sometimes. when I go to people if I saw you I'd be. like I remember the first time I saw you. and stuff you were doing. I'd be like oh. I hope he does this and this and this. Because those are like my fun ones. I.

want to tell someone and have them watch. them. Yeah. And then uh sometimes I do. that with comics and they don't do it. and I go I go because sometimes you know. by the fifth special these people do. it's just too watered down. It's too. hard to be that good in one year. It's. too hard. You don't buff them out. You. need to really work on dude that's I. don't think you have it's like I haven't. done a special I think in four years. now. This if we do it this year it'll be. four years but also I've been on the. same tour for years but it's like. there's so many places you can go. It's. like I don't mind going to a town that.

has 30,000 people in it, you know? It's. like you cannot do it and probably have. a family and stuff like that and have. pets you own. Yeah. Or semi-owned. God. owns them. As long as they have a 30,000. seat theater, then you can Yeah. But as. long as like But if we can go over. there, I think I'd rather do it. Yeah. You're printing money. Oh, David, that. is not fair. If I had your money, I'd. throw mine away. Oh, dude. Get out of. here. It's [ __ ] You just bought a new. car, didn't you? That's You bought a car a lot. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. I got a car. [ __ ] yeah. You. see me buzzing around. Didn't you just. buy uh the original Jod Dirt car or No, I did not. It was 330 grand. I didn't. know it would be that much. Was it. really? Yeah, I went to an auction. Did. you even look at Were you there on the. Did you cons? No, but the guy DM'd me. and he said, "Hey, do you want to uh buy. the old Jojo?" I go, "Is it the [ __ ]. real one?" Cuz I do like cars and I I. don't have enough room for them, but I I. have I'm into it. I'm like, I'm not. going to drive the thing around. I'd. like to have it just to have it. The.

director of Tommy Boy has a has a Tommy. Boy car. And I'm like, those are fun to. have. So, I said, uh, how much? And he. goes, I'm deciding between three and 500. grand. I go, I'm sorry, what? The. [ __ ] shitty one at the beginning of. Jod. It didn't even have a Hemi in it. It was a fake pretend it was like an. old, you know, Vega. And we just put. like, yeah, this thing Jod 69 Charger. Daytona all It's [ __ ] cool, though. Is he selling it for 450? In 1969, Daytona presented here starred in the.

$60 million grossing hit comedy The. Adventures of Joe Dur. [ __ ] yeah. What. does that say up there? 450. Um, can you. read? Yeah. One of the funniest scenes. depicts at the Empound Life financially. unstable to retrieve his mint 67. Plymouth Hemi GTX convertible. He's. buying the Charger Daytona instead. You. bought it for $450 in the movie. apparently. Oh, $450 in the movie. Yeah. Oh, I didn't see the movie. Do we know. the closing price on that? Yeah. He hit. me up for 3 to 500 grand. I go, "Can you live in it?" I was like, "Yeah,

is this an RV? How many square feet is. it? Is it in a good neighborhood? What?". Uh, no. I just said I said I think I. said something to the effect of get. [ __ ] No, I was like, "Hey, man. I I. didn't know it'd be like that. I don't. know why." Because, you know, in the. real world, you gotensive, baby. You got. to make a million to clear 350. So, I'm. like, "I don't know if I'm making a. million this week." So, I just said no. Even though I really I said, I'd really. like it. I just a little too rich for my. blood right now. Cuz I thought, what am. I doing? I just got to park it. I can't.

really drive. It's fun to have. I'd. rather honestly have it in my [ __ ]. living room. What a cool thing to have. Just walk in. Hey, this is the car from. the movie. And so, I didn't think he'd. get close to that. It sold for 330. God. Yeah. To who? Probably an Asian guy. No, the guy had a Jod tattoo on his chest. Oh. And uh he was a full [ __ ] fan. So, he hit me up, the guy that bought. it. And so now I talk to him and what do. you guys talk about? I like these guys. We just talk about pop music. You're. like, "Hey, go sit in and just turn it. on for me. I want to hear." No, I just.

go, "I miss her, man. I miss her. Just. put her on the phone." He's like, "Mail. me some Seaman." And you're like, "Oh, I. don't miss her that much." No, I do. that. I'll do that. I'll do that once. Do you think um would you guys ever have. done a Tommy Boy 2? Do you think you and. Farley ever would have done it? Uh, I. mean, Black Sheep was sort of the next. summer and it was sort of the same type. of movie we had. We should have just. kept it Pete Seagull and just done it. again. He couldn't he he wasn't. available. It just would have kept track.

of like kind of how it was. But I did. like Black Sheep. We had another movie. that we were talking about at the very. end and uh would have been great. Yeah. I mean, would I have liked to have like. a run and gun buddy to goof? he would. have been all over the place. He would. have been working with everybody. I. mean, even at that point toward the end, cuz you know, he's almost more famous. now because everyone looks back and but. when you're in it and he's just getting. famous, but still all the big hosts that. would come in would like go right to.

him. Uh, so he could have worked with. anybody, big directors, you could more. drama. Uh, he would have done a lot of. stuff with Adam. I mean, he loved Adam. and always thought he was great. So, uh, Sandler, you mean? Yeah. Yeah. He was. very tight with Adam and I was just. lucky to be in a couple with him, but he. would have been out there doing. everything. I remember when he was in. Coneheads, we all were in Even Adam was. in Coneheads and Lauren, it was sort of. a an assignment, you know, we all he. would just like you're going to play.

this and and he just had plucked. everyone. There's probably 15 people in. it and somehow still didn't work that. well, but I loved being in it and uh he. was in it. He had a pretty big part and. he was funny. Look at him. There he is. with Oh, he looks so handsome. Did you. get to keep the cone from that? Uh, no. But you know what? It's It That will. barely fit up your butt if you. She's really pretty, by the way. That. was Michelle Burke. This is after they took a photo of. Farley and they take it so strong that.

he it blows his hair back or something. That's funny as [ __ ] But Acid. Yeah. So, that was a blast. So, I would say. the answer is uh would have loved to. keep doing stuff and just have him. around to hang out with. Yeah. Yeah. Obviously to have him be alive. But do. you think that you would have been able. to do a Tommy Boy in these all these. scenarios he's alive? You're like, it'd be great. No, if he's. alive, you have to add that caveat. What. do If you had to do Tommy Boy 2, what. what would the plot even have gone into? You think? Tommy Boy 2: Electric.

Bugaloo. You know there I was pitched a. Tommy boy too which was our kids are. together and our kids are but this is I. was pitched it two years ago and I'm. like I just can't find a scenario with. no Farley. It's not they used the whole. movie even if it has a good title Tommy. Boys in the title but it would be too. much of a sellout I can't imagine. I. mean no one could do that. Were they. going to do it with CGR used one of his. brothers to do it you think? No, it was.

just like it was his it was our kids and. it was about them and then I was going. to come help them on the road or. something. But I go if Listen, there's. the magic in the bottle was was Chris. and so uh I had a good part. I had a lot. of fun in it but it was about. Christopher and so you know Yeah. If we. did another one back then it would have. been a blast. Yeah. Yeah. Wonder what it. could have been about too. Wow. It's I. don't know. I don't I never even thought. that.

Brake pads are so funny. There's endless. jokes about I mean that movie that's. what I always say is that if we pitched. the Tommy boy movie just like two guys. selling brake pads it's just not enough. to sell a movie. People wouldn't listen. now. No, it's just not funny enough. Maybe menstrual pads you could have gone. to. That's not a bad idea. Yeah, that we. go sell them. Stop the flow. Yeah, it's. like things are getting out of hand. Maybe women's lib was getting crazy. Yeah. And then he dresses like one in a. parking lot. He was like, "Okay, I'm on.

the craz." Some big woman comes. He. goes, "Let me try it out." And then, hey, like, I've been having my period. for 11 months straight. These are these. are trailer moments. That actually would have been hilarious, dude. We're like, these are cut scenes. from our possible movie. Yeah. Um, did. you ever do a Farley impersonation or. No. Um, he did this a lot, you know, just. funny. You get nervous, David. And then. he goes like this pulls on his hair when. he's nervous. Like in the meeting with.

the host, he'd pull on the carpet and. everyone's just like even like the host. is like some Michael Keaton going, "Is. this [ __ ] dude okay?" Cuz they didn't. really know him yet. And he was so. nervous about [ __ ] and. uh always funny, but he would always try. to make you laugh. Always try to do. anything. Fall down at work, do. anything. Oh, fall on the piano. anything to get everyone to laugh cuz. also he was taken care of. He wasn't. writing sketches. So he just was tra.

around the office. There's no stress. because he's going to be in 18 things. They're just everyone's going to write. them in. Oh, that's a good point. And if. you write them in like that's the big. trick at SNL is you got to get someone. to write for you. And I would get mad. I. go, "You don't write for me enough.". They're like, "What do you do?" And I'm. like, "You're right. You just think I'm. great." And then they go, "Wow." And I. there's no proof. And I'm like, "Yeah.". So you have to kind of do a joke around. the office or it's sort of thirsty but. do an impression or something and. someone goes you should do something. with that you know and then or they go. oh you can do that oh we might put you.

in this because we need someone like. that but mostly I was like smart alaky. stupid [ __ ] because that's the only. thing they saw you know and I wrote that. Hollywood minute where it was I was. making fun of everybody and that kind of. was a good hook for me but it wasn't. enough to be like super characters that. really wasn't my. I went with his brother to SNL. Remember. that? Oh, that's right. You hit me up. You connected us. I was like, um, John, uh, yeah, John. John. Yeah, Johnny. Farley. And I was like, and he hadn't. been back, dude, since uh, he hadn't.

been back since Chris was there. Did he. hit you up to go there or did I tell you. guys to go or were you just in New York? He took advantage of us, I think. But. whatever. Oh, no. I think you said to. me, "Hey, uh, he's going to be there.". Oh, yeah, I did. And I to tell him. hello, but he hit you up to get him in. there. Can you make a call, Davey? Yeah. Don't tell Jen. Yeah, he was in. the wrong Missy. We put him in that. He. was in um Bench Warmers. He's funny in.

that. Uh was it fun there for you? You'd. never been there, right? I've never. been. Yeah. What was it like? It was. interesting to just see what you the. place you guys had all been at and what. kind of like There's photos everywhere. Yeah. Just what it was like. Like I. think I pictured it more of like an old. school type of dormatory vibe. But um. but our offices were up higher. Oh, maybe it was up there. We'd be there all. week and we just come down to the show. But you might have to host it one day. It was pretty interesting there. Would. you be able to handle it? I don't know.

Depends on who the musical guest is, I. guess. Is that the whole thing? Yeah. What if it's [ __ ] uh Jelly Pop, your. buddy or whatever? Remember he Oh, yeah. Jelly Roll. Yeah. He came over to us at. Koi one time and said, "Hi." Oh, yeah. Do you remember that? Yeah. I'm trying. to think of I said, "Hey, the bouncer's. coming over. He wants to talk to you.". Yeah. He walked over, "Hey, where are. you at?" Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was like, "What motorcycle did this guy?" This guy. Oh, did we park in front of you? What? He was nice, dude. He knew you from.

Yeah. him and Bunny came over. I. remember that. That was cool, dude. That. was awesome. That was like I think he. was he come out here to do Jimmy Kimmel. or something. It was like one of his. first times being out here. Right. Right. Right. And then we saw Luke Bryan. at dinner. We see all your little goat. roper buddies. Yeah, dude. That was fun. Yeah, he came over. That's when we used. to have a good time, man. Yeah. What. happened? Now we're just grinding on the. movie every day going I know. Now we're. just like, how do we [ __ ] tra? Yeah, dude. That was fun, huh? I. remember that. I was excited. Luke.

freaking Brian. We took a picture with. him. He sat down with us. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was fun. Like, dude, we're. supposed to come sit with you. Yeah. He. had two bites of somebody's potatoes at. No, we have fun. We go to UFC and. everyone knows. I remember before you. even blew. up, so many people knew you at UFC. I. was like, "Holy [ __ ] man. These people. know this clown." I don't know about. that. There we are right there. Look at. my hair is quite puffy that Yeah. Look. how good you look like definitely like. one of those rich people's dogs. I do. For sure. Now I see why your mom.

has you come home a lot. Yeah. She's. like, I need this little cute puff right. here in my lap. Look at my [ __ ] sweater pops. Don't. even try to argue. Solid choice. And. there's Luke. Looks like you just. [ __ ] Luke. He's That does look like. me. I'm a bit of a lap dog. Yeah, you look. like you spent time at NYU a little bit. Oh, [ __ ] na sausage. Um [ __ ] Look at you. D Oh, just dumb.

Just like how did I even get here? What. are we eating? [ __ ] oysters. Oh my. god. Jesus. What a bunch of idiots. Somebody ordered that little when they. put those little when that the shrimp. they put them upstairs like they're. about to commit suicide or whatever. That little uh it's like a little shrimp. rack or whatever. Like the second story. shrimp. They hide them all on the edge. of like they're trying to hide from it's. like [ __ ] we see you. They're all naked. though. Look at those [ __ ] shrimps. They charge you by the shrimps, you. know? It's unreal and some place it's. six. That is the That is the most.

expensive place cuz I won't say the name. but the steak sauce was seven bucks. each. You get a little thing like this. of A1 and it's like dish dish dish 777. and then the bread was. 15. God, I had fillet. I had fillet of. soul, right? I go, "Oh, you have fillet. of what?" And. dude, don't you watch fishing shows? You. have fillet of soul. Soul. Oh, how rich. Can we pull it up? See if it's real. You're eating human spirit in there. No. Filet of Yeah, that's rich people. Oh,

shocking. It checks out as a fish. Um, yeah, that's what it looks like. Anyway, it's kind of like carp. No, I don't know. what it's like. So, I get this and they. go, "Do you want the catch of the day?". And I know it's a rich place. I go, "Don't try to rat." [ __ ] me, dudes. I'm. going to take this dog [ __ ] off the. menu. It says market price, but I go, "Fine. I get it. It's like leather. It's. kind of gross, you know, but fine. 150. bucks." I go, I have never heard about. fish being 150. $150? Yeah. And they You.

get the head and the tail or they just. give you the middle. Oh, you should. That's crazy. But you come to my house. and [ __ ] clean my car. Yeah, dude. That's crazy. 150 bucks for one piece of. fish. Unreal. Yeah. That would never fly. in the Bible, dude. No. No. What you do is they have the fish. with their mouth like I guess. Yeah. And. something you go like this. Oh, you're. going to go to work for that 150. And. the fish is. like fish is like, I got teeth. No, you. do not. Nice try. Somebody's getting a little bit of tata.

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remember to ask questions? I always. watch this thing and I'm like, I can't. remember [ __ ] to talk to people about. Dude, first of all, I'm a BLM advocate, so I get a lot of my show. Oh, there's. you now. Who is that? They're like, ladies and gentlemen, BLM. They're like, oh, is that the musical. group? Is that you all happy? When were. you that happy? Never. [ __ ] [ __ ] Is. that AI? Is that Tom Brady's teeth? Oh. my god. I'll rent out advertising space. on those [ __ ] chompers. Are those. your teeth? AI.

That's G AI, dude. G A Y. Yeah, they got That's un the. forearms are nice. Your for I was about. to say your forearms look good and they. shaved you a little bit. God, your whole. body is shaved. Well, it it's it's going. to be as soon as I get in shape. No, you. look good there. Well, why can't you. look more like AI? Well, well, do you. think whenever you die, where do you. want your body? Where do you want your. ashes spread? Do you think? Oh, I was. just talking about this. Um,

no, I wasn't. Um, what are you going to. do with them? No. What do I do? You're. kind of a trickster. No, I'm not going. to do any tricks. Really? I don't want. any weird stuff. Yeah. I mean, let me. get a couple grams of it. You want a. little bit? Oh, if anybody needs money, I would let them sell them, you know, for whatever. Oh, that's cool. You could. sell them here. part of your merch if. you want. I could have Harper uh she. could take them, but I don't know. It's. too I can't think about the stuff. I get. scared. Um I want my What if they had like. spades shades and we put them into some.

beautiful beautiful sunglasses. Okay. You know, I'm pretty agreeable to. everything. Yeah. Or how like spades. shades. Okay. Or and they're interior. shades, too, actually. Oh my god. Okay. Well, now we're getting somewhere. Yeah. And what was there a story about. something. Ashes. I don't mind shot into a [ __ ]. schoolyard full of children. No, you. should put it in a t-shirt gun. Yeah. And take it to some bayou horseshit, you. know, Louisiana rodeo. Yeah. Snake.

rodeo. And Yeah. Snake rodeo. Is that. like an orgy? That's what you call an orgy. No. Wasn't. there a story about some dog that ate. someone's ashes or something? Um, was. there anything? There was something in. the news that's happened about some. eating ashes. We got that. Did you hear. that. [ __ ] Look at this [ __ ] Wait. Oh my. god, it's a Rolex. Anyway, um, is that. real? No, the joke is like I act like it's. late. I go, "Oh [ __ ] it's a Rolex." And. I go like.

this. Uh, what time is it? Oh, wealth. Yeah. Um, no, this is a real one, but. it's the only one good thing I have. I. did get robbed at my house, so you. shouldn't be flashing around. Me toddler. ate me ashes. UK mom walked into an. unthinkable situation when she found her. one-year-old consuming her father's. cremated remains. And she even has video. of the mortifying situation. They aren't. they not good? They cannot taste good. I. don't know. I guess if you mix them with. something. My god. When your son eats.

shead. Of course she films. Ashes. My son has eaten my dad's ashes. He didn't have a lot. That's the whole. [ __ ] story. Dude, he only had a. little bit. He only had like the forearm. and Yeah, dude. That's nothing. That's so groy. That. lady's complaining. Also, the kid is a. ginger, too. Trouble. Yeah. So, some of that you got. to see coming. Some of that's on you.

Um, also the lady immediately sold it to. TMZ. That's a great point, huh? Yeah. She probably served them up. Everything's for sale nowadays, it seems. like. What other news stories we got, guys? Anything? Do some [ __ ] before. Spade [ __ ] has the boogie. Spade. looks pretty pretty cool today. Spade. looks healthy today. Yeah. Let me get. one of these hair off of you. Is there a. hair? Yeah, it's okay. Here. You with. me? Save it. No. You know what I do is. if you weren't here. I [ __ ] light it on fire in front of. the other ones. Yeah. I say, "This is. what happens when you try to [ __ ].

make a break for it, dude. Jump ship on. me, motherfucker." And then it burns and. it floats down. They all go, "What the. fuck?" And I go, "Yeah, might want to. stick around." Yeah. You might want to. see the final act. Yeah, because they've. it's hard to keep hair. No, no, it's. ridiculous and it's [ __ ] up. And our. bodies can only hold so much hair. Tiffany, you have raging boners. What? I'm sorry. The guy Brian Johnson who's. trying to live forever. He says that. women also get their version of Morning. Wood. Okay. So, who's a look at him first? Is he the guy.

that tries to live forever? He's trying. to be really old. Is that him? I'm not. try I'm not sure. He also sings for. AC/DC. That's Brian Johnson, too. That's. a different lying in bed just like Brian. just. undead. There he is. Um Oh, there he is. Huh? First of all, I thought this was. Matt Refe. Is that his new special? It's. his new cologne. Called [ __ ] pig blood. What is this. guy injecting in his wiener this week? I. know. I know. That's the only thing.

This guy takes a lot of pills straight. up the wee wee. Listen, I'm all for. doing minimum two million worth of. surgery on my face, but just to do a. light dusting and cleanup. This guy's. like every day. It's too much. And girls. find that out. They don't want a dude. that's spending their whole life to look. six years younger. It's crazy. Yeah. You. don't want somebody who's in there sand. blasting their [ __ ] clavicles in the. morning. You can't even get any extra. sleep. [ __ ] sanding their nuts. There's no wrinkles in them. Just.

[ __ ]. You got him in the You got your wiener. out in a belt sander. Yeah, this guy's no rinks. Yeah, see a. wrinkle. I mean, I get it. He wants to. look. We all do. I'm falling apart. Someone put on my comments the other. day, you got old fast, dude. Oh, thanks, you [ __ ] Oh, thanks. Fly to your house. and beat you with a [ __ ] rock dick. That's what I'm saying. I get really. offended by the comments. I'm like. this. Who's this comage? These people.

are losers. So I tell myself, the guy. goes, "No way. I'm a winner." And I go, "Fuck. He's a winner and he's doing. this." Uh, look at Spade. That's a tough. part. Whoa. That's me when I get all the. surgery. And you go, "Spade? Is that. you?" John Benet Pico Grahamsy, huh? [ __ ] look at those pecs though, dude. Dude, what the [ __ ] You better spend. that money, David. Yeah. Why does he got. band-aids on his finger? What's wrong. with this dude? And why has he got a. half ounce of raspberry [ __ ] on him?

Splirt. Oh god. How many times you got. to jerk off to get that? Yeah. And can. you wear the cheapest chain, you know, [ __ ] dude? Spending your money on the. wrong [ __ ] Wow. Is that a Neuralink. necklace around his head? Shave your. chest, you fruit cake. God, that guy's. been eating his own nipples off. I bet. Hey, you want some cherry [ __ ] pie. melted down? Hey, nips. Why would you. push in on that? God, those [ __ ]. God, dude. Those [ __ ] are hardboiled. [ __ ] window.

cutters. Tic tac toe, dude. That's crazy. I don't know. How. long would you want to be alive, you. think? I don't um. You mean I like it. now? I'm a little beat up around the. edges. I had a rough I had a rough. upbringing. But you got If you get in a. sauna for two days, you'll be bounc. 100%. A sauna? Yeah. You would not let. me in your sauna. Oh, it is a good. point. Huh?

You didn't want to get into it. They had. the ice bath, too. I know. Okay, now. here's this guy. Keeping going, though. Oh, yeah. On the movie. Yeah. No, honestly, whatever it takes. I was. telling you beforehand. You're tougher. than me, but movies are [ __ ] tough. They're tough mentally. They're tough. physically. And it's just a [ __ ]. grind. You have no life. You get up at. dark. You go in. Every day is a problem. Like, we don't have this. This car. doesn't work. Remember the cars weren't. starting. We're like, "Dude, the cars we. had to push the cars into every shop.". Every car we had, we're like, "Did you.

want it to start?" I go, "Yeah, you have. to drive it in the scene." Okay, they. got you got to tell us this up front, guys. I go, I have to tell you, a car. should. start. Well, it was low budge, but it's. still I mean, we make everything look as. good as we can. Listen, Napoleon. Dynamite was low budget. It's hilarious. So, it's just about where you use the. money. It's really just about me and. you, and just about being funny. So you. don't need too much in the background. But it was like we got two brothers. right here that'll push it for like 80. bucks. And we're like have what? We're.

like 60. Okay. Yeah. I was like I don't. care if they're related or not. I'm like. just like we have two guys that aren't. related that'll do it for 120. I'm like. oh no. Bring the brothers back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That that's how it was. Like. pushing cars into scenes and then uh I. but I thought it overall super fun. Glad. glad to do it and excited for the final. product. Thanks for doing it, man. For. sure. It was quite It was definitely. really interesting to get to do. I can't. even It just Yeah, you learn You learn. so much stuff. You're like, "Jesus.".

Well, I haven't really done a comedy. team movie since I think Black Sheep and. that because it's like growing up since. Five of Us. Uh Wrong Missy was me and. Lauren and she was great. It wasn't. really a comedy. She was like all the. jokes. I was just reacting which is. important but it was sort of her thing. So, it was fun to go back and forth. And. on the set when uh thinking of jokes and. stuff, that's fun part. Those are the. fun parts of movies. Like once we're in. it and we're doing the scenes and. laughing, then it's fun, you know? The. rest of it's tough. Yeah. God, could we.

cry? Could I cry? I'm not crying about. the movie. It's fun. No, dude. I cry. about everything. I cry. I cried about. the drive. I'm like, Yeah. Well, I think. you have a soft spot in your heart for. everything. Yeah. For having to do. stuff. Yeah. life. It's just definitely, man, it's life. We're being alive. No, dude. We're just talking about it. It's. [ __ ] life. Like, everything isn't. like I think people don't think that. everything is just complete magic or. whatever, you know? Right. I mean, the. bottom line is it's funny when you watch.

a movie, any movie you see, you go, you. don't think about how long, how much. [ __ ] it took. You just go, "Funny or. not." That's all. Especially you start. watching a movie and you're like, "This. movie [ __ ] sucks." And then they're. like, and then you don't even think. You're like, "These [ __ ] idiots got. together every day and made it that even. they made it. They worked hard. This is. some rewrite they loved and [ __ ]. bomb." Yeah. When I go to movies, I used. to sit through everything cuz I love. comedy. I love movies. And then about 5. years ago, I started to walk out of. movies. It's very hard. I think.

attention span and everything where I'm. like or I kind of know where it's going. and I'm like, if there's not enough. tricks here, I'm I got to go. Yeah. If. there's not some a good bit of [ __ ]. in them, I'm out. Yeah. If nothing else, someone start [ __ ] someone. Yeah. Or. I'm [ __ ] out of here. At least. minimum. Even if it's animals, I'll watch that. Listen, how am I watching that when I. know I have stepbrother porn on my phone. if I need it? Hey. Yeah, dude. I don't need a DNA test. to watch that. You know what I'm saying?

You know, and step brother porn, I'll. tell you. And then I got to get out. Yeah. Talk about one of your favorite. things about it. I have one more Oh, is. this a thing? Sperm racing. That's not. Is that true? Sperm racing. A new sport. That's KTLA 5. Yeah. Sperm racing. A new. sport is coming to Los Angeles. You read. that right. A startup recently announced. the launch of the world's first live. sperm race. You'll be able to watch its. inaugural edition. Everyone get a. microscope right here in Los Angeles. Uh. I don't know. Let me see. Um the startup. known simply as sperm racing raised a. million dollars in support of their. efforts to put on the world's first.

sperm race. I like that you read it so. fast. I'm not even understanding. Male. fertility is declining. Now, you might be wondering how exactly. a sperm race works. Well, the founders. laid it out. First, a microscopic. racetrack for the two sperm samples to. compete on will be constructed. The. course mimics reproductive system and. includes chemical signals, fluid. dynamics, and synchronized starts. Is. this for the next Olympics? What are we. doing? God, dude, I don't know because. I'm tired of just jerking off and no, nobody wins. How about this? I'll get. the [ __ ] high jump and that's about. it. Good.

[ __ ] flop it over. Yeah, I know. I. don't even whack off. Mine's more like. it. It looks like a couple couple guys. just rolling out of a sleeping bag these. days. I like the last the last scene of. some dude in this in the scene and he. goes, "Yeah." And it's like one cc like. this. The guy's like, "Oh yeah, you. missed a good batch." Oh, I'm thinking. I'm Dude, I'm working with an eyropper. these days, that's for sure. And the. girls like this. Ah. And they're like,

"Oh, there it is. Got it." No sperm. races. Yeah, let's look forward to that. in 2028. Gavin Newsome Olympics. First. permanent to cross the finish line wins. That's pretty much it. One more news. topic before you go, David. Yeah, the. two guys that play lose. Yeah, dude. That's true. The two guys. that play it. I like on the side. What. do you think? Last one. No opinion. Okay. G. Yeah. Georgia 911 caller hears. dispatcher ordering McGriddle during.

emergency call. Oh, I hate this kind of. stuff. What? I just say when the lines get. crossed or whatever. You ever do that? What do you mean? Oh, like a party line. Oh, when I was a kid. Yeah, like when I. was a kid or whatever. You'd be talking. to your friend and then it would cross. over and you' just have some big guy's. voice. It's like these are going to die. You're like, who was that? Talking Yeah. Yeah. And you go just a line you've. never even heard the voice before. Like. the line would get crossed and it's your. stepdad. Yeah. Yeah. No, I want to hear more about the.

McGriddle. What about on Instagram when. they show cars doing donuts and they. always hit somebody. Oh yeah. They go. street takeover and everyone's like yeah. I'm like got everyone gets hit. You guys. get at this point these aren't. professionals. Get out the way. Yeah. Get out the way. A 911 caller in Chattam. County, Georgia had a very hard time. getting through to dispatchers when he. thought someone was breaking a Chattam. County problem. Just some good old. breakfast. When he finally did get. through, he said the dispatcher was. ordering breakfast. Uh, my wife called me. Oh, we got a lot.

of report. Go ahead. Let's see it. Call from earlier this year after the. dispatcher was ordering breakfast. Look. at that statement necklace. Hey, wait. The dis. So, the person getting. the call. It was in February. Dylan, here we go. Let's hear more from this. concerned about someone snooping around. his home in the Savannah area. He called. the non-emergency line first and then. called 911 three times. After finally.

getting an answer, he was shocked by. what he heard during the call. If it if. it didn't happen to me, I wouldn't. believe that that happened to someone. else. That's how unbelievable it really. This is the von report on that call is. complete. The findings will then be. given. That lady looks like your mom. A. little spade. She looks like a. reptilian. Yeah, never mind. Your mom. looks No, my mom's hot. Mhm. My mom got. her knee replaced. Did she? Yeah. Hey, you haven't said [ __ ] about it. She. might want you to call her. Oh, definitely. Dude, she's so excited. Oh,

where's the movie? That's what she said. Yeah. Is it fun? It's going to be funny. I can tell. It just sounds fun. She's. very positive. Yeah, she's very. positive. She is. Bus boy sounds fun. Yeah, she Oh, yeah. Dude, I was a bus. boy for How long were you a bus boy for? Probably two years. I was the worst. That's it, Theo. Dude, you told me you. were a bus boy for a long time. I was a. dishwasher for a year, then Bus Boy, then Bus Boy, then Valley Parker. No, I. would be longer. Except I got I got. fired over and over. Dude, she does.

That does look like the lady. Your mom, Dude, your mom likes jade. So does my. mom. Oh, jade. Oh, that's turquoise. But. she wears a lot of jade and she wears a. lot of turquoise. Oh, yeah. Turquoise, dude. Desert jade. Yeah. No, she loves. it. That sand jade they call it, you. know, in some circles. Look at me with. makeup on. God. Does your mom have a good sense of. humor? She's the best. Yeah, she's. hysterical. My mom looks like Willie. Nelson. Bring up a picture of her. Bring up real. But she's awesome, too. And she absolutely. Does your mom like. me? She loves you. Does she really? She.

would way rather have you see Look at. cute. Is that you in a bandana? There's. my mom right there. Oh, where were you. guys? Maybe I would have loved you. Maybe. I didn't love you. Why does What if she. took off a mask and it was Bobby Lee the. whole time? You are always You're always. on. I love uh Elvis and Willie is great. My mom's favorite person is Willie. Favorite performer. You're lying. I. swear to God. That's my mom's favorite. dude. Look at him. Look at him. Look at. my mom. Oh, he's sexy. I don't care.

about the wrinkles. He is sexy. He's so. good. Yeah. Talent. Oh, my mom says I'd. like to climb up those braids and get. into them. Your mom's got a side pony. going. Yeah, she rocks that [ __ ] Where. are you guys? Which um Waffle House is. that? Uh, that's one of actually it's. that was ranked one of the top 600. waffles. She's like, "You're so rich. Where are you taking me?" You're like, "Oh, pull in a Waffle House. Oh, you. want to go somewhere else?" Beep beep. She's like, "No, we can have the Buck 99. special." You're like, "Mom, I just feel. like it's your most comfortable here.". She like, Dude, she likes it. Ever since.

RFK Junior cleaned up their some of some. of their feeding patterns over there. Do. you have syrup? That's That was overheard. We're gonna. start using owl piss. Yeah. Did you hear. about the guy that tried to piss in his. pool or something? No. Some guy was. leaving piss somewhere and they hit him. with a hammer. What was that article I. saw with that hammer, dude? I don't know. if that's the whole story. What was that. article I saw with the hammer, dude? Oh. my god. This is the last one. Ready? Lot. of pee. Man has no idea who's putting. gallons of urine in his recycling bin.

We should have started with this one. I. like this one. Or why? It's a lot of. pee. A man has no idea who's putting. gallons of urine in his recycling bin. Or why? Dude, it's Kappa Sig. That's who's doing. it. Dude, I'll tell you this guy also is. on Instagram trying to fill his pool. with. piss himself and it's been a year and. it's not that much. And I can tell you. it's going to take him longer. I figured. out Dane and I on our podcast figured. out if you try to piss to fill up the. Grand Canyon, if every person did it.

once a day, it would take 800 years. Oo. Isn't that crazy? It's not that long. That sounds like a lie, but that it. isn't that long. But the Grand Canyon is. bigger than you think. Dude, remember. when your parents left you at the Grand. Canyon? I know. Don't even bring that. up. It's such a sore sub. Just glad to see you and your mom are. happy again. You don't know. Maybe Jod's parents, they were maybe doing it as a favor for. some reason. We haven't thought of that. TBD. It's a.

little late to be thinking about the. plot, dude. The best thing was the the. the uh we got to sing the Beatles. though. That was the best thing I think. Where was that? Probably out on Bus Boys on the movie. We did? Yeah. What did we sing? Anytime. We got to sing it. Remember? Oh, we'd. sing. Abbey Road off camera. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I [ __ ] love the Beatles. Oh, I love the Beatles. McCartney, the. Beatle. I love it all, man, dude. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, I got to let you. go. I'm going to stick around for a.

little bit, but I'm gonna let you take. off. Um, no, but thanks for having me. Miss you. Uh, Dandelion out now or. coming out in the next day or two. Check. it out. Yep. May 6th. Um, Amazon and, uh, check it out. Smash that button. Whatever you're supposed to do, I don't. know. Hit that like and subscribe. button. Yeah, whatever it is. You guys, uh, one of the greats, one of the. funniest people I've ever met, man. I. feel lucky to be able to know you and I. really feel lucky that you came over. today, man. Just thanks for making us.

laugh, dude. I love it, dude. You always. crack me up. And uh All right, guys. See. you out there. [Music]. I must be corner. stone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of mind I found. I. can feel it in my. bones. But it's going to take.