David Spade | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #233

And I lost a spelling be to a girl in. fifth grade who got pregnant. Shut the [ __ ] up. I swear to God. This. girl named Helina. Big Helina I think. was her full name. Bro, [Music]. shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my story.

If. I see a hair pop out, I light it on fire. in front of the other hairs. to. show what happens to a quitter. It's for me it's like Band of Brothers. I feel like like if one goes down. It really I want to send in Matt Damon. to like save it. I want to send Tom. Hanks. Like it's really. it's gotten to the point where I need. them so much. But the funny thing is you're known for. your cool hair and. Yeah. Everyone likes your hair. By the way, hair, you're cool looking, dude. But. hair is 80% of being cool.

That's cool. Hair is. Hair is a big deal. Yeah. And you have. good hair, but I didn't know you had any. trouble with it. Yeah. See, you don't think it, but when. you're living with the hair, then you. see the crop. You see what's going on. You see some [ __ ] forest between the. trees. And you know more than anyone, man. I. used to look in the mirror and go, "What. the fuck?" And other people start to. think you're crazy. And then once you. start obsessing on it, you just get more. and more obsessed on. Easy to obsess about. That's a hair is a. great one because the people that have. hair, there's bums with better hair than. me. These [ __ ] bums and I'm like.

daintily. drawing my hair with a napkin. Meanwhile, they're like rubbing a rock on it every. morning and they and it just gets. better. You know what I mean? Like you. see bums at the not bums, whatever. they're called. No, but outdoor Yeah. Outdoorsy guys sleep under the freeway. and they look cooler. I wanted to do. Pimp My Bum. Yeah. Where you go there. and you clean them up. You get like some. kids to clean them up for college credit. and then they try to get them a job. Get him a necklace or something.

Well, no. Sedona to buy him a bunch of turquoise. necklace. Just get him a turquoise. necklace and say, "Hey man, it's going. to flip your life around.". I could see that, dude. My mom lives out. in Tucson and she's definitely turned. into like a real turquoise junkie. My mom loves turquoise. I think moms. love turquoise. Yeah. It's pretty funny how they My mom. has a squash blossom necklace from. Gilbert Ortegus that's like because I'm. from Arizona. and they have a lot of Indian, you know, real Indians. Uh. yeah, that they do uh they make jewelry. So,

this has a lot of silver and turquoise. and like a big horseshoe in the middle. It's pretty crazy because. they were worth a lot. I She made me. hold one once in my car when I was a. little dirt ball. And they're for good luck. They're just. they're for good looks and you know very. decorative Indian jewelry. And then I. left it my 62 Volvo when I ran out of. gas. I left it for 3 days cuz I couldn't. get you know when you're. Oh, it's hard to take a necklace with. you out of Yeah. You're a loser. You got I just walk back.

and then I'm like I can't get back there. the next day to get it and then I'm. working. So I finally get there and I. didn't realize my door has no lock. Someone stole it. Uhuh. And I had to tell my mom. She's crushed. Yeah. And you never a. Did you ever go look for a duplicate of. it to try and have it? I didn't have any money, but yeah. I. mean, I see them in those stores. I just. uh I just waited and then I bought her a. house later. Oh, they took a long took a long time. Yeah. The old buying the mama house is. really the peak of showbiz where you go. if I can go long enough and make enough.

where I can get her a place if you're, you know, and your mom. My mom was the. best. So, and are you paying now when you do that? Do you pay you're buying the house. outright? There's no payment on it. Um, on this one, I bought it outright. Um, but first time I bought her. something was a car. I waited till I could get it outright. cuz I didn't want another payment. So, I felt like I wasn't ready if I had to. do all the payments. They had a repo. It. is embarrassing when they go to your. mom's house and jack it back. Your show gets Yeah. If a show gets.

cancelled, you're like, "Damn, you're. living there now.". My mom's like, "Someone stole my. Jaguar." I'm like, I wouldn't report it. Best thing to do is not report it. You. have it parked behind the house. She. doesn't even know. cuz it's repo man comes. Yeah, dude. I've been getting nerve but. this hair for some reason has it started. to take over all my thoughts and. everything. It's like started to so I'm. going to get some taken out of the back. They have this guy Dr. Kay in Beverly. Hills and I'm going to get them taken. out and put in. Yeah, there's a lot of good guys and. they've got it down to a freaking. science. Yeah,

they have like a robot comes in. But uh. I can't say names, but there's people I. know that do it and just because but. Johnny Farley, I will out him because. he got about, you know, a hundred. One of the Farley brothers. Yeah, he's kind of like uh he's kind of. pretty much horseshoe bald, you know? He. he got hit hard, but he went in there. Dennis Miller used to say, "This guy's. got more plugs than the last two minutes. of Carson." And uh so he uh he put them. in there, but they like grow straight in. the air. And so when I have him on the.

show, he just he like spits on it and. goes makes it go straight up. He looks. like that [ __ ] clown and it. and Norm outed him the other night and. said, "Oh, I saw that episode. See that?" And he's by his car and he he. goes, "J right in the middle of the bit, we're doing some phony bit where. Johnny's the PA with Kurt Bush." And. then Norm goes, "Hey, Johnny, your plugs. are really working it tonight." And he. just stops and goes, "Thanks, Norm.". Okay. I go, "Johnny, get back to the bit." Now.

his head is spinning going, "You just. tell everyone." But. this book that guy, I mean, yeah, but. that guy, all he has is it's like 19. hairs. Like it's almost like a fantasy. lineup that he put into his head. It. looks like it's like. he's got the bare men skeleton crew in. there. I remember when I. This is definitely the night shift. I. was on SNL and I knew a guy there that. got something way back and they were. like four manhole covers they put on. your head. It was like each one had like. a hundred hairs. So, it was like a doll, you know?

But I think like girls with boob jobs, guys with hair, it's just mandatory at. this point. I mean, I'm still shocked. girls do lips and no one's even. embarrassing when they're just like, I'm. doing [ __ ] everything to claw and. stay in my 20s or 30s or 40s or whatever. it is. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like sometimes that. all that stuff and the girls get makes. them look older, you know. Well, some of them makes them look a. little lumpy like they've been like a. not kind of in a like a you know some a. lady's face could seem kind of uneven.

Sometimes the older ladies sometimes. their eyes will start to get. float a bit. Yeah. You're like whoa whoa. Cuz it's like they sleep on their side. and their eyes an inch higher and it. doesn't settle till around noon. Yeah. Cuz on plastic they're not allowed in. the ocean. And there's so much plastic. in their face. If you want to catch them eye to eye, you got to hit them between 11 and 1:00. p.m. Then they're like, "It's even." Oh, tilt. the other way. Now, I get it. But I don't even really, you. know, we make fun of it on the show of. anybody. But.

the truth is, we do I I would do the. same thing. Was it nerve-wracking having Norm and I. felt I felt anxious for you having Norm. and Leno? Because Norm is such a It's. like throwing dynamite in like a. children's yard. I checked ahead that. Norm. likes Leno and you know Leno is a great. guy. I've done his show a million times. in the old days and he was a great. comic. He got on Letterman and was doing. I don't know if you remember cuz you're. young but he was a guest on Letterman. He was so funny and very edgy that.

Letterman, you know, put him on so much. and then Carson put him on I think then. he was guest hosting Cars. Oh wow. But when he had be a full host. on Carson. or took over, then he got a little bit. of flack from comics for being not like. sellout, but you know, half a little. jealousy, but a little like people were. like he had to tamper it down a bit, which you have to. I mean, if he's on a. network show. Yeah. So, they gave him a little grief for. that. And then the whole Conan thing, which is hard, you know. I didn't really. take sides of that. Lena's always been.

nice to me. I love Conan. So, I tried to. stay out of that one. doesn't really. affect me. Uh, and then Leno called me. after about, you know, a week on the air to say, "I. watch every show. I love the jokes. There's more jokes per minute on. anything on TV. Uh, the algorithm is. great. You don't talk about politics. You don't get in that tense arguments. You don't make people feel cringey. watching like cuz you're for this now. they suddenly hate you." And I said, "That's the idea. I mean, ideally, that's what we're trying to do. And I'm.

too stupid for politics. I don't really. want to get into it. Everyone else is. Everyone's better at it. I got Trevor. right before me, better at it. So, I. just want to [ __ ] around, have fun. Like, it's almost a podcast. Like, buddies hanging around and try to cram. jokes in and make them look fluid. And. half of them are fluid because you don't. know what the other guy's going to say, so just roll with it. Yeah. And then what what we're getting to you. is then Jay said, "If you want me to. come on, I'd love to." And I said, "Of. course." You know, he's a guy that it's. just a joke machine. That's what we. need. And then the idea of who do I put.

him with? You almost don't need anyone, right? That's what I was thinking. I was. like, "Wow, it's really nice of him also. to go and just be always going to be the. top banana, but to be just a, you know, a banana in the bunch.". And you know, also, you know, in the. comedy world, like if I see a comic on. the road, when you're on the road, it's usually. you talk to other comics, you're like, "Oh, I know this guy. Oh, yeah, he. middled for me here. Oh, I used to open. for Dennis Miller." You know, we all. talk [ __ ] just talk comedian stuff. So.

comedy is something where I could even. walk up to Seinfeld in the old days and. if you're a comic and you're on that. list. and you just tell someone you're a. comic, they sort of treat you equally. They're pretty cool. Most comics. you're in the club with them and they're. nice. You know what I mean? Like I try. to be at the store. There's guys that are doing better than. me, guys are doing worse, but you try to. just treat everyone the same because. you're all in the comedy world and we. all know how hard it is. We all know. this guy could blow up [ __ ] tomorrow.

and he could work for this guy the next. day cuz it's just how it is. That's crazy. And now and how tough the world is. So I. think Leno is old school saying, "Hey, you tell me. You want me to sit on that. panel. with a bunch of comedians? I'll sit with. comedians and bullshit." And I think he. likes to be a comedian still. Yeah. And uh we uh. Yeah. Make him feel part of the group. Yeah. Like we have Martin Short coming. up and I'm like maybe put Maya Rudolph. with him cuz she's funny and weird. Maybe just have those two. Yeah. Cuz they goof around. I might want to do. a Q&A soon. Have people ask from the. crowd.

Oh, that'd be great. Cuz it's just fun. Me nor. I want it to be longer. I know. You know what? I think it feels. fast, which is ultimately a compliment, right? It's good. Yeah. Be good. Be. gone. Yeah. Get it done. Make people. want more. I think what it is is like if I go on. Allen, I'm probably doing 15 minutes out. there, you know, at least. Sometimes. longer. Like she'll go just do the whole. show cuz I see why now. It's it's. relaxing for her. She just goes, "How. was your weekend? Lights a cigarette.". that I'm like anyway I went to the. Rolling Stones concert and I just go on. and on and on and she's like okay let's. go to commercial that's better for her.

and I and I understand that and then cuz. sometimes doing the show as a host which. I've never hosted I don't want to go. interview people really I just want to. shoot the [ __ ] with comics and laugh so. like the hard part is uh they only get a. little bit of time you know three people. and you have three ego a little there's. always a little ego when you're sitting. there. sure and Chelsea you know Handler did it. and she did it well. But but I think she. made herself sort of a traffic cop. It's.

easier. I mean, you just say, which I. could see doing that. You just go, "You. guys are the funny one." Like, just go, "I'm going to chirp in when I feel like. it.". Yeah. Basically, here's the question. What do you think of this? And then they. go and it'll I'm sure turn into some. form of that. But I like to throw in. jokes now. So now it's like four people, right? Yeah. Cuz you're Yeah. You're. coming to It's not like you're sitting. there. It's not like your chopped liver. And so we don't need That's the. decision. I like chop liver. That's a. good one. Have you ever had it? It's still out there. No, but I just picture it. It sounds.

like gross. People, I guess, hate it because. everybody's like, it's always like the. last thing. It gets a bad rap. You know what else gets a bad rap? Um, fish. When people go, "This smells. fishy." Cuz I feel like bad for the. fish. Cuz he goes, "Yeah, I'm a fish." And they're like, "Oh, fish. is by the way the grossest thing you. could smell." And they're like, "I am a. fish.". Uh, why is that gross? I'm just feeling. like. yeah I'm on [ __ ] best menus. to other fishes they it's cool but to. other to humans they hate it. sometime I wonder if fish are male or.

female when they're on my plate you know. and sometimes cross my mind but oh you. ask who the. I'll ask the waiter and they'll be like. let me check. they never come back. quit working there sometimes at that. point. that's funny they should leave the. building because they don't get that a. lot I'm sure they're like [ __ ] man. are you eating fish stickick how do you. figure this out. Yeah, maybe I was eating fish sticks instead. of fish sticks as a kid. Yeah, I just want to know. I just want. to make sure I'm not eating fish sticks, man.

Dude, fish stickicks were good. Remember. them? Oh, I mean in the lazy mom [ __ ]. dictionary. It's so perfect. Or the kids, you would have to make them. yourself. Did you ever have to make your. own or your mom made them? The greatest thing is you could be a. lazy mom. and what you're doing is giving your. kids a dream. Like if she goes, "All. right, fish sticks." And I'm like, "She. did it. It's my birthday. Meanwhile, she's like, "Fucking throw that goddamn. cookie sheet. Put eight of those [ __ ] on there.". Dude, pizza rolls. We had fish sticks. The easiest [ __ ] And I loved it so.

much. Well, pizza rolls isn't really a dinner. I think fish sticks at least you have. that element of, you know, you got a. protein. one of your meals. There's definitely fish in there. One of the food groups. [ __ ] 90% breading. Yeah, there's I like the fish. I go to. McDonald's and I go through the. drive-thru and I go, "What's the filt of. fish of the day?" And they go, "Excuse. me?" And I go, "Is it brandino? Is it It's not swordfish again." And. they go, they just pause and I go, "Quart with cheese." Like, "Okay, quarter pound of cheese." They don't. know what to say. Dude, what one thing. about fish though is some of them have.

those little bones in it and they never. they never act like they do. You know. what I'm talking about? Like the. sometimes you'll get a part of the fish. you're like, "Oh, there's eight little. bones or something.". Got Yeah. The hard part about fish is I. see them. First of all, when they ring. the fish with the head to the table, I'm. [ __ ] out. Yeah, I don't want to see him going, why me? That's very Jamaican. I don't like that. It's sickening. I. don't like eating the eyeball, which. please call it a delicacy. I mean, I. like when they label it a delicacy. You're not tricking me. Well, dude, even when they give you the.

head, you don't eat the eyeball. You. just leave it in there. I don't know. Some people, like other. countries, they think different parts. are great. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure [ __ ] we eat is gross, but I'm used to it now. I don't think I. can start with some of the stuff they. eat. Yeah, it's too late in the game. Like I ate liver worst as a kid and I. liked it. Somehow my mom snuck that in. there and then I like it with mustard on. toast, but. today I wouldn't start with liver worst. Yeah, we used to get a cut of spam every. now and then, a cut of hot spam and that.

[ __ ] was fire, boy. Sick. Is it good? I don't even know what. it is, dude. It's real. I mean, if you. Is it food? Yeah, man. Is it outside the four food group? I mean, I think it's definitely I would. say it's orbiting. in the vin. It was good, man. I you know I used to get a horny for was. um devil's food cuz I heard commercials. and it sounded good but I don't even. know what it was. Devil's food. Yeah. Have you ever heard of that? Mhm. Are you allowed to talk? I am. Yeah. Okay. Devil's food cake. Yeah. De Well, there's devil's food.

cake. What is um. is devil's food something? Devil's food is nothing. It's nothing. I think it's um fire. thinking of uh not. spam, but there's something also like. I'll get to it, but it's sickening. There was torp or something. No, there. was. You know what I'm talking about. I know, but I I'm just thinking all the. gross foods there. Hogs Head Cheese was popular when I was. young. You go over there. We go at. lunch. We go to IG and watch a lot of. older people sit out on a bench and eat.

it. That's I like the scenario. You put it. in a setting. and it would blow minds, bro. I would be. uh. and they'd shape it into a little hog. too back in the day for you. They'd shape it to what? In like a hog. You know, like a swine. Like. Oh, gross. I had uh I would My big thing was This. is why I'm malnutrition and [ __ ]. barely alive. Is that I grew up and. didn't have one [ __ ] glass of water. for about 22 years. That wasn't really.

the thing. Yeah. That even in the desert. only if you're going to the desert, bring a canteen. But. yeah, but I didn't. But if you live there, that's crazy. We weren't big on that. And what what it. was when you know more about food now, I woke up in the morning, went to. school, my mom went to work, so I would. eat cereal, which was like. Yeah. Uh you know, Fruity Pebbles or. something, you could not lose. You went. to grab any of my cereal boxes. Captain. Crunch, 10 out of 10. Wow. [ __ ] King Vitamin. That was an old. one. Apple Jacks. Life. Did you do that one, too?

Little. That's a seven out of 10. It. wasn't sugary enough, right? I need Count Choula. I need the. basics, right? Oh, wow. And then I remember Seinfeld once said, "Cookie crispy.". Now it's just a bowl of cookies. I mean, we we gave up. I mean, you're giving. your kids a bowl of cookies. So, I'd go. So, that's all the sugar, right? Right. Drink the milk. Whole thing. Go to work. I mean, go to school. Got there early, grab some M&M's or a. cinnamon roll. Oh, wow. Sugar. Just sugar. Sugar. Sugar. Lunch. Cheeseburger. Fries. Coke. Um,

and then at school I blacked out once. Our big thing was. What do you mean by that? Like I just blacked out at school. playing basketball and then I went to. the doctor and then I blacked out again. a couple days later and they said, "You. either have leukemia or low blood sugar. and uh the bets were on and I wound up. with low blood sugar." So I thought, "Do. I need more sugar?". Yeah, they think that would be what you. need. Yeah, they trick you. So, I ate more, passed out again, and then they I.

started drinking Diet Pepsi in high. school, which was. Oh, that's really I mean, it's Yeah, it's a little. It's a little iffy. Yeah. I couldn't even see a young man. having a can of that. Let's just say in high school it didn't. fly, but I had to. I couldn't sh They. said no more sugar. I was like, you are. [ __ ] kidding me. So, it must have been nerd alert where. kids like Jesus, this dude's a straight. not a drill. Major nerd alert affecting. all four counties in Arizona. All the. other schools heard about it. So, I'm. sitting there. eating, but I still would like I'll only.

have 10 cookies today. Like, this is I. was cutting back, but my body was not. getting any nutrition. When we were. eating good food at night, I swear to. God, it was [ __ ] lean cuisine. That. was our big Oh, yeah. Which today. would probably make me sick. It's It's a. ziplock of gloop. Yeah. With a gloppy, you know, like. it has salt in it. It has good salt in. it. It has a lot of good salts. It's good. What's good salt? Is it. really the good kind of salt or is it. just salt? Oh, definitely. Man, my mom had one last. night, dude. I couldn't even talk to. her. She was woofing that lean cuisine.

No, she had a turkey TV dinner. Oh, that's. so every now and then she likes to get a. little TV dinner over there. Where's your mom? Is she around? Yeah, she lives in Tucson. Oh, that's right. You said Tucson. So, she's out there, dude. I used to. live in Tucson. Do we had a mailman when. I lived there? He would drive by late. off hours, bro. And [ __ ] furious at. his at his wife. He'd always be yelling. [ __ ] about her even though she wasn't in. the mail truck. and [ __ ] throw the. mail out mad at you. Yeah. Or just anybody just throwing the. mail out in the yard, not even using the. box. I love angry, you know, the kids today.

I guess we do still have mailmen. I. forgot what. now. I feel like it's just somebody that. kids everybody reports them always as. like pedophiles, predators. It's like. they don't get a good rap out there. If you're still like Yeah. traveling. around doing stuff. Everybody like I saw. a guy yesterday and he was just like a. con like a construction worker and I was. like, "Oh man, that guy might be a. sexual predator, you know, for no reason. other than the fact that. he has an oddball job or something.". Yeah. That he's just gainfully employed. Yeah. And like working hard. What about all those jobs where they get.

around kids? It's like a bonanza. What. if you're a wrestling coach in high. school or like you know, you just. wrestle kids and slap them on the ass. all day? You never know. That's like. volleyball coach. because you're getting busted. There's. no way you're being around all those. chicks. or not chicks, young girls, you know who. all those jobs where. I mean gymnastics, I think they're on to. that one. But. you just I just look back and go, how could you not? There's so many perves. Yeah. I remember like. we had perves, dude. We had a couple.

perves at our school. Half of them went. to jail. I think my friend's a uh child. molester, you know, but I I want to get. more data before I hand him in because. it's only a hunch right now. I went to. his house. He's watching the Little. League World Series. I go, I don't like it. You know, and. then I tried to give him an out. I go, "Are you are you one of you you know. this one of the kids?" And he goes, "No.". He goes, "But look at those calves, man. These are athletes." I go, "They're not. really. They're 12.". Yeah. And you can't see their calves. either. A lot of them have long pants. Yeah, I know. He's just dreaming about.

it, I think. Yeah. just guessing some way. You're. just kind of guessing leg muscle. But I will tell you, I can honestly say. little girls, little kids are cute, just. cute. Yeah. And it's that's extinct. You cannot say. that. You see anybody with their kid and they. got a seven-year-old. And I go, "Uh, oh, your daughter's cute." They're like, "Huh?" And then they like shuffle them. away like King Crepo. I got to say handsome. You say a very. handsome child, handsome woman. Oh, you say handsome to a girl. A girl. Yeah. I'll be like, "Wow, it's a. handsome, you know, kid. Hopefully, it's.

an adult soon." I say, "It's hard.". It's hard because, you know, say, "Hey, listen. I'm no child monster, but. believe me, I'm not starting with your kid. She's. not that great. I'll start with that kid I saw at the. carnival three nights ago with short. pants on. That's number one. I'll start with a nice Latino kid with. the slick back hair.". Your kid is down the waiver wire. I'm. telling you because. Yeah. I'm not starting with this pasty. little [ __ ]. She's no John Benet. No offense. I. What do you think happened with John. Benet? Let's go.

Why do I love anything about John Benet? I just It's too. Well, first of all, I feel like you and. her almost have a there's something. about you guys both kind of petite, nice hair, talented, talented, showman, showmanship, working through the te like. standing the, you know, the test of time. kind of like continuing to stay. relevant. That's true. Jean Benet is still more. famous than me, which sucks. But I was a. little ah my a Yankee doodle dandy. I. was a little bit of that. A little look. at me kid. Little bit attention seeker.

Did you do any uh You didn't do chorus. or anything at school, did you? Cuz that. is really. No, I was straight. But what happened. was No, I was I think cuz my dad left us. when I was four. I look back to think is. that why I was always like. entertaining? Yes. Thinking maybe he'd. see you. Gross. I don't know. Oh, that's a good. angle though because I used to get throw. fits. I had a bad temper and I'd smash. trophies in my room. This is just. Look at this white and I don't even know.

if that's white privilege, bro. That's. just What is it? Smashing your trophy. First of all, no one buys that I had any. trophies. I had one trophy. I had a participation trophy. Dude, I got a trophy one time as a. plaque and they misspelled half the [ __ ]. on it from our school and I was like, "Fuck this.". And that was your big break. They [ __ ]. it up. And I lost a spelling beauty to a. girl in fifth grade who got pregnant. What the [ __ ] Shut the [ __ ] up. Swear. to God. This girl named Helina. Big. Helina, I think was her full name, bro. And dude, nobody thought she could.

spell. Nobody thought she could even. speak. Oh, no one thought she could get knocked. off. Jesus. So, she was a real overcomer, dude. Or. just someone who accepted come, you. know, and she uh Sorry about that part. My trophy was for the uh shortest first. in school, I think. No way. No, it wasn't a trophy, but I. got one for little league just for being. on some team, but I broke it and my mom. was like, "Oh, it broke her heart.". Yeah, cuz I thought I think I was mad. and my dad left. I think I look back. Why was I so [ __ ] mad all the time? You probably have to be if you're a kid. That's all. Yeah, you had you'd have to.

be. Dude, it's funny sometimes. I think. that. I interrupted you though. You were just. talking about the girl that got knocked. up. Oh, Helina. I don't know what she's. doing now. You guys still stay in touch or no? No, dude. I lost on inconvenience and I. should have had it and I still keep. Oh, you did? Yeah. I I lost I went to state and I thought I. was king [ __ ] [ __ ] I walked into. state finals like this like some Indian. kid. I walked up there. I got smoked on the. first word. Nuh-uh. I They go apparatus. I go easy. A a.

go bing gone. I go no. No, you can't change it. I tried to change. it in the middle and. Wow. And I sl. Oh, you can't change once you put a. letter. That was it. Yeah, I think so. Back in my a strict. rules. But yeah, the rules were a lot stricter. then. What did you lose? Inconvenience. That's a tough one. Inconvenience. Yeah. I just And I was. showboating up there. Everybody was. watching. Dude, finally a couple chicks.

looked up from whatever they were like, you know, the love letters they were. writing to my friend Scott. Not quite as drenched as you thought. they'd be cuz you could almost spell. inconvenience. Yeah. Nobody cared. And then big Helina. [ __ ] shook me. She comes out and breaks and fall. She got that of all words. I was like, you got to be kidding. She should have got abortion. Yeah, that would have been. And dude, she was built like an adult, though. Like that's one thing you don't. see anymore. Like when I was younger, they had children that were built like.

[ __ ] adults, bro. You know, we had. kids who wore like we had kids who came. to school with just oil stains on them. Like they were ready like in. tats. They're ready to throw down. Ready to go to work as soon as. Oh, yeah. Go right to a garage. Yeah. Like undeniable. Like half the. kids would leave school and go to work. somewhere. Even at young ages, it seemed. like And now these kids, you know, it's. just different. There's crying meetups. There's. crying meetups. We We should have one of. those. Yeah. I mean, Sebastian said the VMAs. that they had a room if anybody was. triggered, they had a room backstage for.

people that. triggered. Yeah. Oh, he must had a field day with that. one. That were alarmed. I remember when Sebastian was doing. that. I almost wanted to say to him, I. don't know him well enough. I I do like. the guy because there's no way to say. it, but I did Teen Choice once I hosted. and I wrote for Dana at the VMAs and. it's just a tough room. I mean, they. don't give a [ __ ] if you're over 22. I even just presented at the MTV Awards. with uh Aubrey Plaza and we she's like, "What's our bit?" I'm like, "Aubrey, you're funny and no one gives a [ __ ] We.

can give her our best [ __ ] out there. They don't care." So, they had some guy, this guy Noah, he's good-looking dude. from one of the movies that kills on. Netflix or something. Mhm. He's got trillions of followers. I. couldn't walked right past him. I had no. idea. Noah from the Bible I know. And Trevor. Noah are the two I know. This Noah's [ __ ] Noah Sagar. bigger than both all three. He goes out there and every chick is. like like it was bananas. It was. Beatles. He couldn't even do and he and.

he did some then he sat on the floor. then they thought that was hysterical. like this guy's out of [ __ ] jokes. already but he could not do no wrong and. then these girls were just like it was. Katrina they were all [ __ ] sliding. off their seats and they were you know. teenager I shouldn't say that. they were some adults 18 years old. yeah they were 18 and they were horny. for them just turned 18. then he finally leaves and they. introduce us ladies and gentlemen. basically children would you please. welcome these two [ __ ] [ __ ] so we. walk out. They could not give a [ __ ]. They were all mad. Their face, wait,

he's still in the building. Why the [ __ ]. are you? Wait, we're still applauding. We still are creaming over this guy. Why. are you And we start talking. They're. like, "No.". And then I'm like, "Hey, Aubrey, blah. blah." And they're like, "Shut the [ __ ]. up." They hate us. And they're they're. blocking me on Instagram. This guy just. They find you just a block. Who are you? How do you spell it? And. block. Well, where you know, excuse me. I know you I was just talking with David.

Spade, but now I got to tell you that. the holidays are coming. It's that time. of year. If you go if you go look around. your buddy's house and look far far. away, get some binoculars, you might see. a reindeer. You might see a pumpkin. You. might see Cinderella. And I know it's. crazy. It's it's crazy early to talk. about the holidays, but you want to have. that nice photo ready smile. Well, then. you got to start now. And it's easier. than ever with clear aligners from. Candid. Candid's aligners can help you.

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and use code theo for $75 off. That's. candidco.com/theo. for $75 off. candidco.comtheo. And now back to the episode. Dude, your Instagram is uh you do, if. people don't know, you do some of the. best uh Bachelor coverage. I know. On IG, man. It's not helping my straight case. No. Well, actually, the funny thing was. I remember when you invited me over to.

watch the Bachelor Bachelorette. Oh, we had a blast. And then Yeah. No, we had a blast. Definitely. You also I had to sit on the. sofa. You sat behind me in a chair. I didn't want you think I was making any. moves. Oh, I didn't think that, bro. Except for. murder maybe. And you're like, "Why do I?" And you. turn around. I'm in a Pennywise costume. Yeah. It's like, "Why do I throw so?". No, it was cuz my [ __ ] back. I can't. sit on that couch. Well, dude, then don't let have other. people sit on it in front of you like. that. I should tell people. Listen.

Yeah. Just tell them a little more. You probably won't get killed. Yeah. Cuz I didn't know you that good. That's. right. No. And it was just like, "All right.". And I I was I was like one of those. creepy kids in the movies that walks. with my knees go the wrong way and I'm. like, "Don't mind me." You're like, "What the fuck?" You know, if I see a. movie, first of all, I never see scary. movies. If I see like a little girl in a. dress who's like 10 and she has black. hair in her face and she walks with her. knees go the wrong way, the joints, I'm out. There's not a [ __ ] chance. I'm seeing that movie. Oh, she's from outside of the city.

limits, too. We got a question right. here that came in from. Oh, we have a question. Mhm. How does this happen? Uh, they sent him in. We let them know. they were going to come in yesterday. Oh, we need headphones for this on Nick. Okay, go ahead. It's complicated show. David. Spade is a fan of The Bachelor and u my. question for him is if you could change. the format, be the new Chris Harrison, mix things up, what would you do to. change it? What was her name? Do you remember? Shelby. She didn't say it was. Shelby. Um.

very beautiful of age girl, too. She was very calm in her question. Yeah, she wasn't fanning out, which I sort of. wanted. Uh I wanted her to go, "Oh my. god, I can't even think of my question. It's David's face. Yeah. So nervous. I'm so nervous to tape this that he. might see one. So The Bachelor I do like. What do you like about it? Just for the stupidity of I don't know. You know, it's got cute girls. It's just. fun to make fun of everyone. I don't. know. Oh, yeah. That's why I like it too, actually. And they and every girl knows about it. So if you talk about they have something.

to talk about. He had something in common with. And they're all single girls and 29 of. them are losing. So you go, "Well, you're going to run into them at Pizza. Hut." They're like, "Well, you don't. have a boyfriend." So, at least it's not. like you're creeping on some married. show where look at all these hot married. girls. So, it's just more for comedy and. fodder. But I think I don't know what I. would change cuz they obviously have it. wired. I do like this new situation, which you. wouldn't know. There's a guy named. Tyler. He's like a I remember going,

"This guy's too good-looking. He's on. the Bachelor. He's vying for the one. girl Hannah. I think he's going to win. at all because he's just good-looking, but he's a he's a bit of a dud, but it's never stopped any guy from. getting laid, right? So, he doesn't get. picked. He's the third runner up. So, they go, he's going to be the next. Bachelor. And then in this new crazy world, Gigi. Hadid says, "This guy's hot." You know, wow. And so, now they're dating. Now, they're dating. No. And guess what? Not only dating, they're. dating every second of every day. You.

know, couples are like Velcro monkeys, like sh like just together right away. like magnets. He went to her grandma's funeral with. me. Went to her grandma's funeral. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's very Native American, too. My thing is, first of all, these guys. that have so much free time. So, a girl. likes you, you fly to New York or. whatever, I don't know where he lives, and you don't leave her [ __ ] sight. Do you have one thing to do in the last. 6 weeks you've been with her? A haircut, a dentist appointment. Yeah, I have [ __ ] to do.

He needs to remember something you left. somewhere. Yeah, you can go, "Hey, I can see you. this afternoon, this morning. I got a. couple things I got. I got to work out.". What? No, he has 24 hours a [ __ ] day. Obviously, not a job. Yeah, they never have jobs. They always quit. the job to go on the bottom. To go on the bachelor. Yeah. This is. Steman. This is like the new Steedman. Yeah. And look at he's hot though. He's. on the left. Now, he is very handsome. I will say. good at that funeral. Look at him. He could have Yeah. You almost wish the. grandmother was alive to get a good look. at him. He said the grandma was in the coffin. and he and he saw the roses. He goes, "When is she going to give him out?" Cuz. he didn't know when anything else. He.

doesn't know anything else. He thinks it's awful. He goes, "If I get one, I'm going to. reject it.". Now, this is intense. There you go, dude. He is ripped. Is it Do you think men are more handsome. since you have gotten older or when you. were younger? Do you. I didn't know what good-looking guys. were growing up. Like, I couldn't tell. Now, when you get all the data of what. girls like, you can start to say, "Oh, this guy's good. This guy's handsome." I never look from. the I never look waist down, though. You. don't do that. I don't. No, I don't.

Yeah, I don't either. Like I'll look at. this picture of this man, but I will. only like my eyes can't even focus. I never knew that part cuz the girl I. went out with said uh about two years. ago, she goes, "I saw Harry Styles." And. she goes, "Look at this picture of him.". And I go, "Right, he's in a suit." And. she goes, "Where's his dick?" I go, "What do you mean?" She goes, "Look. where his dick is. You can't even see it. sticking out." I go, "Why would his dick. be popping out of his pants?" She goes, "I all I do is look at guys dicks all. day in their pants." I go, "Fucking. ain't really." I go, "No one's my dick's. not doing anything in the day." Like, I'm getting I'm getting screwed on that.

deal because I don't want to walk around. slapping together a half a rod just to. so some chick might look for it and. might, you know? Oh, I've done that before. I'll sneak. off before I go in a busy room and just. kind of shake it up a little. Maybe if there's some [ __ ] going on like. that, just like you're mixing a [ __ ]. milkshake, but you don't have a. I'm walking out of the Emmys. I might. get a couple cc's of plasma. [ __ ] fluff that muffin, dude. [ __ ] slamming in the doorst. Oh, dude. I remember one time I was on. this cruise ship and I was trying to get. an erection and this girl was a real. [ __ ] land animal, you know,

and I literally was like whacking my. wiener against the wall trying to get. blood into the. Oh god. God, I still remember that was in India. I'm like a one trick pony. They're like. let's everyone thinks I'm like whatever. I don't know what they think but. Well, everybody thinks Yeah, you're. definitely this Kasanova. Before we get. into that though, I want to talk a. little bit more. What else would you do. about the Bachelor? Anything else? cuz I. know I mean you have on that question. I could almost see Harrison first of all. will never give the job up. He is. lowkey. He's seeing half of these women.

Oh, I mean and they they have nothing to. that island but sneak in his room. Yeah, he's on the island too. So he's I mean. it is boring because you know they pull. him out for 3 minutes a day and he has. to wear a suit and all that [ __ ]. But I wonder if he's allowed to mingle. and hang out there must be rules. But he gets all their numbers. I mean. he's got all their ideas. He's DMing up. a frenzy. I don't think he's married. And then he goes to Bachelor Island, then he does it there. He came on our. show and he was cool. He's a great guy. I interviewed him a. couple years ago. Were you on the show with him?

He was awesome. Was it me and Kaylee Cuckoo? No. What show were you on? Who was with. Was she divorced again yet or no? No. They don't live together though. Now that I like. Isn't that interesting? I think it's a new thing. I've been trying to pitch that. I think. it's true because I mean, go ahead. I'm. sorry. We're getting away from her. question, but I uh Kaylee was on. I my. second show. You were on really early. I was on the second show. And it wasn't Kaye. Uhuh. She was on I think the next day. He was on with Jen Kirkman and another. female comic.

Oh, look at [ __ ] [ __ ] Greggy. Google over there. He's got it, bro. He's better than Adam Eigot. Look at Colin calls in. You see that. last night? We've actually got some voice questions. from Adam Eat as well. We do. Mhm. We have questions from Adam for us. Yeah, dude. I got it. You do? Mhm. Okay, sweet, man. Let's get one. Get. one. Oh [ __ ] It's okay. [Laughter]. Sorry. We'll get that. What's the paper towel budget? What you saying? I'll get it. Okay, we'll figure it out. Spade.

Hey, it's uh Adam Eaggan from the. office. Um. gross. Do you know where the paper clips are? I really need these. Like this is. as soon as possible. I guess. Everything's [ __ ] over here. Um. also corn dogs for lunch today. So, let. me know if you want me to save you one. What kind of halfway house are you guys. running? Uh, tell Theo I said hi. Uh, yeah. Call. me back as soon as you get this. I need. to know about these paper clips. Like, stat. I will tell you, Adam, who's still using paper clips?

Yeah, I know. He doesn't know the [ __ ]. There's actually two more. Jesus Christ. From him. Yeah. And this is Adam. When did he write these? You're [ __ ] solid. Yeah. Okay. At least he doesn't do the. monologue. Yeah. Hey, it's Adam again. No [ __ ] Do. you know how I changed my W2? Um, I think I'm99. amount of taxes taken out. So, I always 300 dependent. call. Hey, uh,

are you hanging up? Hey, uh, it's Adam again. Spade. Uh, do you have a fire extinguisher in your. office? [ __ ] loser. He's [ __ ] Just uh. get back to me. No rush on the [ __ ] message either. Jesus. Slowpoke Rodriguez. A fire, bro. Spit it out. Spa. You know what happened? I yesterday he.

got a box of pens sent to him for he's. got a office. He's got an office. Let's. say this is a big square room, right? this big huge lot where you are doing. the show in over on the wall like that's. his desk so everyone walks this is a. hall office cuz he just w everyone just. walks through and does their [ __ ] right. he didn't get like an office office of. the door so he sits there and everyone. just makes fun of him so I he was. someone put garbage on his desk like. these workers came put on his desk while. they were working and he just sits there. go what the [ __ ] is happening so on one.

of my stories I put on Instagram I go. hey Adam Egan get hating his hoffus and. so this woman that works for a pen. company sent him I mean maybe 300 pens. just they said hey I saw your office. looks needs a little pen action on there. so yesterday he was like having a yard. sale he laid them all out and everyone. got to come pick a pen don't take the. violent ones take green he's like no no. green and then everyone's like arguing. about which ones they wanted me like 300. but they're like you got any felt tip. he's like nah he's being snug with some.

god Adam you just got him free one. minute ago like he loves being uh he. loves the job though it seems like He's. been. He loves He's good at it. Yeah. He's the. guy that does the comedians and we have. another department. Seems like a total [ __ ] show, but we. have a whole department that does. anyone's not a comedian. So like or it get too big like if Leno. is a comedian, but we have talent office. deal with him just because. you know there's some people that are. more I think Jim Carrey. Oh yeah, I. think Jim Carrey's coming on that.

Really? That's awesome. Love Jim Carrey. Very interesting dude. Did you remember um did you ever. remember seeing him as a comedian? Um barely. Just seeing him on a special. I think Rodney Dangerfield's HBO special. when he was a young comedian special. Those were big. They would have a big. comedian come in and host and have five. new comedians, five or six. And I saw. Kenisonson on that. I saw. Carrie. Was there a thing that happened. like whenever you were kind of coming up. through the ranks um that you you wished.

you had done it or you had gotten it and. you were like, "Oh man, this is" and you. thought you weren't going to have a. career. Wow. Star Search. They came to my They came. to Arizona to a mall. Oh. And you were there. Paradise Valley Mall. I. did your mom take you or did you just. go? I think I was old enough to drive. Went. out to PVM. I literally used to drive. without my shirt on. I was such a [ __ ]. Jo started cuz Fred Wolf lived in. Montana with dirt balls. I live in. Arizona. We see guys walking with long. hair, no shirt on, tucked in their back. pocket holding a gas can.

Oh, I love that, dude. That's a whole life out there. So, I'm. I'm that guy. Stepdad. I take my shirt off whenever I drove cuz. I didn't have air conditioning. So, I go to PVM. That's why. And I stand on some little I do two. minutes of stand up. Wow. They check to see if you have any game. No call backs, no nothing. And PV was at Palace Vver's Mall or. something with PV. Uh Paradise Valley. Yeah, Paradise Valley at the mall. It wasn't. at the mall in front of everybody. No. Like Tiffany. Yeah. Wow. And I think they would check crowd. reaction. It's kind of a good idea.

Oh, yeah. It's at least you're getting. some real feedback right there. So, when I finally I felt like I think. you'll know you you will agree that. people say, "What's your big break?". Comedy is sort of a series of little. breaks. Like um getting on one club when. I was starting that was a big break. Yeah. and then getting on another club. and then getting at the improv when I. got in LA was huge. Then I got on this. HBO Young comedian special which I was. talking to you about kind of Dennis. Miller was a host. Me, Rob Schneider,

Drake Sailor, uh Fred Stler, we had all these guys in. there and uh everyone did great and then. Rob and I got SNL off that. Another big. break. Wow. Tommy boy, another big break. So it's. just really like treading water your. whole [ __ ] career. You can never. really let off the gas cuz go away in. two seconds. Someone even said to me the. other day, this Uber guy goes, "You're. in show." Yeah. He goes, "I love those.". He goes, "Whatever happened to Chris. Pratt?" I go, "Chris Pratt did three.

blockbusters in the last two years." He. goes, "Oh, okay." I go, "I didn't see. him." I go, "Well, if this [ __ ] guy's. in trouble, what about me? I did I do. movies on Netflix? I never saw that. I. guarantee it. I did Father of the Year. and the other one." I go, "Well, [ __ ]. dude. No wonder people like Hey, it's. good to see you." Yeah. I go I don't. know like what my perception is. Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely changed a lot. You. have no idea if people have seen. it takes a year. Like you're this which. is every week. Like I I usually am on a. TV show. So it's every week. And so when. people don't see me for a year they're. like what the [ __ ] I go I take a you.

know a year to get a movie off the. ground. I write. Then it takes 3 months. to film it. Then a year edit it and get. it out. And if you miss that one now. there's two and a half years you miss. me. So that's all that work for one. [ __ ] 2-hour movie. and then you do another one. So. have you done some pretty stinkers? Have. you done some real [ __ ] ones? Yeah. Oh, movies. Yeah. Yeah. I thought you make meant shits. Oh, no. I've done some pretty bad ones. Dude, I have one of the worst. superpower. I don't know if it's a. superpower or not, but I I know if I.

walk into a bathroom if somebody's. pooped in there recently. cuz it stinks. Yeah. That's not a. superpower, by the way. Can you tell it, too? What if someone took a dirty [ __ ] Dude, I walked out of a bathroom. That's like the thing I hate the most. about myself, man. I just wish I. couldn't do that. Makes me sad, bro. Okay, that doesn't Okay, I will tell you. though, I hate it. I I don't know if we need a moment of. silence for that, but. I don't need a moment of silence. I just. Man, I [ __ ] can feel it in my. I went to this nice place the other day.

for dinner. Not that nice, but it was a. regular restaurant. Normal. Okay. Wow. So, well, I don't want people to think I'm. some highlight [ __ ]. Dude, I've been eat with you. It's only. a nice place. Yeah. So, I go and I go to the bathroom. and this is the you would relate to. this. You can see the camera. This is. You can't hear it at home, but I go like. this. I walk in and uh this dude's. walking out and I go, "Oof, cuz he [ __ ]. so bad.". Oh, yeah. And he stops and looks at me. He goes, "What' you say?" And I go, "Fucking. rough, dude." And he goes, "What the.

fuck?" I go, and I pussed out. immediately cuz I go, "Am I getting in a. fight about a [ __ ] that reeks so bad I. have to? I thought I had to say. something. I walked in. I go, "God. damn." Like cuz some air defender. unordinately. rank, you know, and Oh, yeah. I get that. it's not a, you know, [ __ ]. it's a factory, but when you go in there. and it's reeks so bad sometimes it. wallops you and you have to mention it. like you can't even hide it. You go, "Oh, and then he was offended cuz it was.

him.". Oh, so he wanted to fight me. Yeah. You want to fight me over your poops? Well, you're also defending the air, bro. Like, you have the right to defend. I just want air. I want to be able to. live in here. So, I had to leave. I. can't even pee in this poo. It's like. Oh, yeah. I hate that, man. I hate be I. hate knowing that it's I just wish that. I could never Sometimes I try to hold my. breath before I go in and try to just. have my breath held the whole time that. I'm in there. Oh, when you're in poop town and I think. it's a nice restaurant I go. Dude, one. time this guy I went in there one time.

there was like a uh kind of like a urban. gentleman working in there, you know, like kind of like a mint, you know, with. the mints and the, you know, doing the. some they'll do scarves and everything. They got cigarettes, everything. This. guy was. buy a new suit in there. Yeah, this guy was fresh off the boat, you know, and um. they clean up in there. Oh, dude. Well, here's the thing, though. This guy was kind of like a big. jock kind of dude. So, I go into the. into the stall, right, into this little. dookie booth, you know, to rock a number. two, right? And this guy goes, "Uh, oh, uh, all.

right, fam. I got you, right?" And I'm. like, "What? What does that mean?" Like, I think he was trying to like think like. I'm going to tip him or something, you. know? So, then another guy comes in. You better if you talk to him. I think. you have to tip him. That's the thing. Once you make contact. Yeah. The thing then another guy comes. in and tries to get at the door, right? And this guy like. lunges at him. Yeah. stops him, bro. And he's like, "Hey, my man's in there.". I don't even [ __ ] know that. I love it. I love it.

My man's in there. They get into a. [ __ ] fight into a Shvy match. Security comes in. The whole deal. And you weren't even pooping. You were. pissing. I No, I was Why I can't tell. Sometimes. I will sit down and piss sometimes if. it's late at night. But this was uh I. don't know. But it was just so like I'm. not with this guy, you know? That's so. hot that he if he went to the mount with. you and then you go out there and put a. quarter in. I They do. You know how you get me? Here's how you get me to tip. I walk in, they go, "David Spade." I go, "Well,

you're getting tipped.". Yeah, there you go. Cuz I know you're going to call TMD and. go, "This [ __ ] took the dirtiest. poop and he only gave me his nickel. He. doesn't tip the [ __ ] [ __ ] jockey.". Who's in there? And one time it was. bring your kid to work day. No, shut up. That's not possible. I swear to God, this is over by UCLA. It. was at Mahoney's bar. Some bar they had. over there. Maloney. And the guy's got. his son in there. Can't laugh hard enough. Dressed up like a little seal or. something. Like a little oyster. Like a, you know, like a fancy oyster.

or like uh, you know, somebody that's. going like a, you know, a wedding or. dance or something, you know, like. looking nice. Oh, like a little not like an actual. oyster. Yeah. Yeah. Not like a nice. Is that what you say when people dress. up? Or like a penguin. That's I'm thinking. of. Yeah, penguin. You were so far off. I. get an penguin makes some sense. It's. like a little tux. But dude, a snow oyster. How good would. that [ __ ] taste, bro? What is that? That's what I'm saying. Once they find. those, dude. You know how expensive those watch in a. year? Those are going to be something. that's going to be on a menu somewhere.

Snow oysters. [ __ ] I'll put all my money into snowy. Um, would you change anything else on. the Bachelorette or No. Bachelor. Are you trying to go back to her? She. got a lot of screen time for that. question. We haven't even answered all. of Adam Eagles. We don't have paper. clips. Yeah. Uh, Bachelor. I love I uh um it's. it's down right now. Viewership is. When does this come on? Today is. September 21, 2006. Today's September 12th 14th. 2006.

Yeah. So, it'll be on Okay, great. Yeah. Sorry to interrupt this little. chit chatter with uh with uh with Mr. Joe Dirt himself, but this Can you. believe that's really Joe Dirt? That's. so wild, dude. I can't believe that. happened to him. Um, this episode is. brought to you by BetterHelp. BetterHelp. will assess your needs and match you. with your own licensed professional. therapist. I remember I was having a. tough day one day and I was driving and. I didn't want to be driving. I didn't. want to be thinking or feeling and I. pulled over and I got some dang help.

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to start your two months now. That's. skillshare.comthevon. And now back to the episode. Uh, we don't have a show today on my. show. We have We had We had the Scolars last. night. Yeah. Yeah. So, I don't think we talked enough about. Norm and Jay cuz it was It made me. nervous. The show is [ __ ] hard. Nervous. The show is hard because. everyone's got a different energy and. vibe and I don't sometimes know it. One. time I had a a female comic and you know.

I'm like going over to the side and out. of here she I go, "What do you think?". She goes, "Well, I made me." And I go, "Oh, is that your hook?" Like I don't. know. Like some could be very dirty, some are timid, some are like she's she. stayed in her shell. This guy over here. is like super whatever or he doesn't. like, you know, and then you know my. Jezeleneck on last week. He's sort of. quiet, very funny, but he's on with. other people. And so I want to make sure. he gets time to get his joke out and not. get stepped on. And then you have some. [ __ ] guy you don't even know on one. show like blabbing too hard and running.

over everyone's stuff. You know, I learn. every show what I like. And I'm like, I. don't like to pull teeth because there's. too many dead spots, you know? I like. people to sort of self start. Last. night, the scars perfect. Leno perfect. I show a picture of Kylie Jenner and. he's like, you know, I read you hear. about this yesterday. They say Kim and. Kanye are going to get divorced. I don't. think he's going to leave her behind. Yeah, I heard that. And it was funny, but I I was sitting. there freaking out going, "Everyone give. him a second on this cuz he's old school.

and he took his time with it." He goes, "Have you seen this? Pause. These two. might get a divorce." And you just think. someone's going to jump in on that pause. and do their line or comment. And uh I'm. like, "Just leave." And I've got crazy. Norm over there. So Norm is always very. funny and you just don't know what. you're getting and that's part of the. fun. Yeah. Yeah. Watching that one it would. seem like Yeah. You're just he's such. like a like you literally have no clue. what's about to climb out of his mouth. And I don't listen he can offend me. It's sort of the funny part about it. that he goes after me a little bit. I.

don't want him to offend the other. guests or I don't want if they don't. know what they're getting either. And. Jay's, you know, he was very nice to. Jay. He said nice things. Uh but it's. hard. And then I had to do the bit with. NASCAR. Yeah. And it's hard to do bits in front of. comedians because NASCAR came all the. way there to be a part of it. They like. the show. Uh we're getting more and more. people that call that want to be on the. show. And that's nice. That means the. show is doing all right. And I'm a. NASCAR guy. I'm a little bit of a dirt. ball. So I had met this guy Kurt and he.

was game. But every joke we had they. killed right before the show. So NASCAR, you know, they have their. brand and this and that. And I didn't. know it. So then I was like [ __ ]. going two because now I go what am I. saying cuz I think one we had the car up. close I go oh is this a make a wish car. why is it so close and he goes yeah it. says it has cancer but I think it's. lying you know and then that's gone. So. when I get to the show about to tape it,

I go, "Oh, that's gone. What's there?". We put something else they approved. I'm. like, "I don't even really know what bid. I'm doing now." And that never happens. And then uh we said, "Oh, Johnny the PA. I have I have a question for G. It's. John Farley, you know." And he goes, I. go, "All right, one question." He goes, "Do you have any aderall?". And I go, "You're not asking him that.". And he goes, "It's not even for me." I. go, "He's not." And then Kurt goes, "Talk to me after the show." And I go, "Oh, so they killed all that. These.

aren't the best jokes in the world. It. just don't take away." You know what I. mean? Well, you right. Yeah. It seemed like. why not shoot more and then cut it down. They just We should have sent them ahead. and then they can talk and you know. there's always going to be a barter with. someone. It was a lot packed in one episode. But most people like we had Rascal Flats. on last night and a band Mumford and. Sons and they're very game. They come on. they go I know Spades about I'm not. there to make them look bad. You're not going to get people if you do. that. So, if they want to roll with some.

jokes, Yeah. I make fun of myself half the time. So, do you like are you enjoying doing the. show? Are you finding that you're. enjoying it more than you thought you. would? Are you having any It seems like. you're when I watch now, it seems like. it's definitely coming. It's hard. It's very hard, but and I. have cards and cards like roll to this. pre-tape and do this and we have someone. talking a voice over and make sure they. get to say this if they want to say. something. But to wrangle it all, it's. gets easier every show. It's But it is. hard. It is a job where you wake up 7:00.

a.m. and I have to think all day. Movies. are really hard, but it's more just leg. work. Being on a set every day, laying. around all day, memorizing lines. It's. memorizing and staying awake. And then. the movies are fun, but they beat the. [ __ ] out of you. This one at least I go. home and I can have dinner, right? I can't. And movies, I'm on the set all. day. What happened at the mall with the. star search? You got it or you didn't. get it? No, I got I got uh shine on that. And. then when I started to do Okay, you didn't get it.

Didn't get it. Finally got to LA. Couldn't get on. How they let you know in the mail? They didn't say jack [ __ ]. Oh, I asked Ted Sarandos once from Netflix. You know this guy? He's one of the big. bosses there. He's from Arizona. Very. cool guy for that job. He's always so cool and collected. I. can't believe it. Uh, one time somebody. uh bigname guy I was like going, "Oh. [ __ ] that guy pitched you a show and uh.

he goes, "Yeah." And he's a friend of. his. And he goes, "But it didn't work. out. We passed." And I go, "Why'd you. tell him?" And he goes, "Nothing.". And I think he said, "You know, if you. go to the store to buy a suit and you. don't want it, you don't go back and. tell them you don't want it, right? They figure it out. You just don't know. Uh oh, wait. Let me hear this. I think if I I think if I turn it up. loud enough, you won't have to hold it. up to your ear. I'll do it. All right, I'll do it. Jeez. Yeah. What's up, Tio? What's up, David? My.

question is, what was your worst date. that you ever had? And what is the best. way to get out of the bad date without. being a jerk? Gang gang. Gang gang, brother. He gave you a little gang gang at the. end. And he's from Poland. He didn't mention. his power, huh? He didn't call in from. Poland. No, he lives here. No, he lives in Poland. He sent that in. Yeah. And he hears this. Yeah. This dumb [ __ ] donkey. Thank you, brother. I don't know how to say thank. you in Poland, but thank you very much. Oh, two things. Okay. One was bad dates,

which God, there's so many. You've been on I bet you've been on some. some [ __ ] reers, bro. Oh, yeah. I'm the bad part of it. Oh, but still, dude, sometimes you have. to take yourself out of the equation. Have you ever is it just been so bad. where you'll tell a girl straight up. this is bad I'm going to. I you know listen if it's bad I can tell. they don't like me or it's not clicking. you know at this point in your life you. realize everyone's trying everyone's. means well you just I would try to start.

with lunch or something then you can. just tap out after and be polite never. be rude and then everyone just goes. their separate ways it just doesn't you. know it's too mean I've had it done to. me so many times if some girl would. actually like me more Uh, which is weird. cuz when you're in a position of getting. like, you know, you get DMs and [ __ ]. from girls and to tell someone you don't. like them or don't want to go is very. weird. Yeah. Very weird position. I was never in it. So I would. because girls, it was always the other. way. Girls would tell you just give you.

the vibe or they wouldn't call like the. Sarandos thing. One girl about 10 years ago said, uh, we. had the Rainbow Room just cool little. joint and she goes, um, she said she was. an actress, right? So about halfway. through What's that noise? Is that you? Mm-m. It's me. That elevator's me. Oh, what are you. having? Half of a part of a Twix. Yeah. Oh, nice. A. Twix. People like when you chew and talk. My mom used to eat Paydays cuz they were. like kind of like the healthy candy bar. cuz of peanuts. Yeah, I get it. And she wouldn't let us watch her eat.

them. She would eat them by herself in. her room. That's weirder. Um I used to put paydays. in the toilet and then say I was sick. and I couldn't go to school. So, uh they'd break apart. So, uh, I go. to this I go to the Rainbow Room. and this girl's like, "Yeah." And then. her phone's like, and she goes, "Yeah, [ __ ] It's work." I. go, "Oh." She goes, "I have to go to the. Valley. There's a fallout in an anal. scene." No way. I go, "Oh, you're a.

adult porn actress." She goes, "Yeah." I. go, "Yeah." She goes, "I should probably. go. I got to pick that up, you know.". Jesus. I go, "Hey, works work." You. know, and she's like, "But I'll probably. be done by midnight if you" I go, "You. know what? Let's put a pin in that. We'll uh pick this up later. Why don't. you just do tonight, do your thing?" And. I'm like, "Well, there's twice I've been. I've run into porn people.". Yeah. I ran into a hooker once. I didn't know. was a hooker. And I ran into two girls.

that did porn. I didn't know. But porn's. way common. I mean, out here. Porn's pretty common. A lot of girls out. here is more you get see a lot of women. that are more the uh sugar daddy style. It's like dating, you know, I go on a. date with you for a couple hundred. bucks. I'll go on a date with you and. see what happens. A bit of a hybrid hooker. My friend does. What's your price? You. know what that is? The great sales pitches. He goes, "What's your price? You ever seen a girl. so pretty at the coffee shop? You wish. you'd go on one date with her. You could. win her over." Mhm. Well, you can. So he.

goes on a site and all these pretty. girls and he go hey how much does it. cost to take you to dinner and they're. like 300 bucks. He does this all the. time and just. I've seen the girls. they meet him for dinner 300 bucks and. then they leave and he pays them and. they go no love connection it's like a. business or they say for another 500. I'll give you a hand job in the car. Yeah, sometimes he takes them home. But. yeah, I have some friends. Mostly it's just like girls want to make.

some money. They go, "I'll go to dinner. with you and sit with you.". Yeah. And some guys want to just puff up and. go to [ __ ] catch and be like, "Hey, look who I got.". Take a hottie out there. Yeah. Little arm candy. Old school. Yeah, dude. You took me to catch that. one time. Catch. Yeah. I took care of you, man. I did feel like arm candy. Yeah, we did. have fun, man. You were my arm candy, right? That place. Uh, I mean, I remember watching you when we. were leaving, walking out and every you. would see like like I had like a couple. people that were like, "Oh, hey, that's. Theo Bon, you know, like a couple of.

like comedy fans." But you it's. definitely a different thing. It feels. like a little bit It almost feels. spooky. I feel like being at your level. of popularity, you know? Oh, that's nice. I mean, I think by this. point, you'll learn that you you can get. a big head about it, but there's always. so many people doing better than you. you had so many times that you did. things didn't work that you wanted that. I think right now most people know me. without even sounding cocky just after. all this time they've seen you in. something but they don't uh always like.

you. so people get pictures of it and they I. see look at this [ __ ] [ __ ]. Yeah. Uh but. yeah that's the difference about. popularity from like podcast and stuff. is people are a little bit more engaged. with who you are as a person I feel. like. Yeah. You know and so it's like. well you're very real. You've got a. different thing which is I think you're. interesting because you have a your. comedy's like that you you'd think. there'd be more like this. There's not. Just like guy just here's me and you. have an interesting life. Some people. could do this and it wouldn't be fun to. hear. You have a good spin on it. You're.

funny down deep and then you uh have an. interesting past and present. It works. It's good. Damn. It's true. I think that's your your. whole thing why it works. And I I one. guy tried to trip me up in an interview. and then I probably have to book it to. [ __ ] Brea. Um one guy said, "When do you think you. were the most famous?" Such a weird. question. And what he meant. the the real answer was now. because of cumulative from everything.

I've done. There's more people now who. know me now. Of course, shows are in. reruns. This, you know, right? Rules of. Engagement, Just Shoot Me, SNL, and then. all the movies on TBS every day at 3. p.m. Oh, yeah. Something's on with me. So, there's. that. But he meant I think I did the. in the old days cover Rolling Stone, cover of Entertainment Weekly, cover TV. Guide. That's what he was getting at. But that was a while ago. So, it was. more. So, it was a loaded question that you. weren't still as famous. I guess.

I mean you could ask anyone that and. there's times when you could point to. where you know it's really like up and. down your career you know I mean you. know something come out for two years. then you do then it doesn't really work. then two years later something big so. it's never going to be like straight. level line. some years are better than others but. overall it did make it did make me think. I'm like wow that is a weird question I. don't know but as long as you I think. the hard thing is still doing [ __ ] and.

making a living year after year is hard. So, if you can do that, it's already. praise. Anyone out there, some of my. friends are still just road comics, but. they're doing it. Yeah, it's hard. And they bring in a crowd and. they get their bills paid and like, [ __ ] it's hard, man. Do it. Good job. Um, one last question. We have the new. SNL cast member. We just wanted to You. want to ask that, Nick? Yeah. Uh, well, just more of a uh topic. for you guys to chew on. Uh SNL. yesterday announced three new SNL cast. members.

Chloe Finnamman, uh Bowen Yang, who's. the first uh East Asian descent. At. first, people were saying first Asian, but uh Rob Schneider is Filipino. Um so. people got. a little specific. Sneaky Rob. I love. him sneaking in with that with the. Filipino. I'm West USA. They're really breaking it down. Uh and Shane Gillis. And hours after he. was announced, a Twitter mob, somebody dug into him. They tried to ruin his life and a. resurface video from his podcast came up. where he used the word [ __ ] He was.

like kind of playing like a character. They were talking about how how. did he say that? I looked at that little. clip. I thought they were saying like. Japanese people feel like they're number. one and Koreans feel. not as good as Is that what Is that what. you're talking about? Yeah, it it is. I I have the clip right. here. Sick. But it's definitely. I don't know. It's going to be tough for. him because that playing against they. just hired an Asian guy. They did. That was the first Asian they hired.

Yeah. So it's one of the three guys they. hired. So one's getting all this praise. Boing. Oh, I see. And then the other guy, they dig up. something where he says something. seemingly against that. Like I don't. even know if he'll survive. It's you. know what I mean? I don't know. He put an apology. He said I'm a. comedian who pushes boundaries. I. sometimes miss. If you go through my 10. years of comedy, most of it bad. You're. going to find a lot of bad misses. I am. happy to apologize to anyone who's. actually offended by anything I've said. My intention is never to hurt anyone, but I'm trying to be the best comedian I. can be, and sometimes that requires.

risks. Yeah. And how do we expect people to. evolve if they don't have a past? If. they don't have any timeline, you know, it's like I feel like the online mob has. just become. it's just a mob. That's what it is. It. has no understanding. it as no care. concern for. well it's very it's it's hard to just. remove people from their job and life. and some people get angry about. different things and just want someone's. life done and they don't see the after.

effects like that is people go kill. themselves if you take everything away. from someone. now I don't even know about this case in. particular I don't know enough about it. but. in general as a comedian you know you. used to try to be edgy That was the. whole thing 5 years ago. That's what you. want to do bits no one else is doing. You don't want to steal material. Like. what's your take on this, your take on. this? And oh, you pushed it. Oh, that. bit's [ __ ] crazy. You did. And now if. someone could go look those up and say, you went too far, defending me, and now.

you're out. Yeah. And that's a tough weird time to be a. comedian. It's hard. It's just hard. Every day on my show, I go, I hope I. didn't say something cuz I'm just trying. to get a [ __ ] laugh in that one. second moment. Right. Believe me, I don't believe in. everything I say. I just say it to get a. laugh. You want to shock people. You. want to say crazy stuff. The monologue, a lot of the stuff I'm. like, "Oh, this is great." You know? Yeah. I mean, some people that like. comedy. like it and everyone the writers like, "Do it, do it." But I have to think. about myself and go, "I don't want.

something to happen over." But how do. you get a new show off the ground? How. do you be different? You don't want. reviews to go, "It's the same [ __ ]. shit." Because there's probably seven. jokes we're still allowed to use that. everyone's like, I'm okay with that one, right? You can do it. Yeah. It's like reviewers, what if and. nowadays it's almost like just if. reviewers don't like you or what you. represent just by being a human living. human. Yeah. They hate you anyway. So it's like. it's hard to get ahead. And. yeah, reviewers can eat a bag of ass, bro. I think or an ass bag or whatever.

Now it's just 30, you know, million. reviewers on Twitter and Instagram every. day. you hear about like my last show I. did on old sitcoms there weren't people. on Twitter and Instagram. So now. everyone's like here's what I think. I'm. like okay. So I listen to it. I mean. some I hear and some hurt my feelings. Yeah. But I think that the noise has. been so it's just so it's happened so. much now that it's just almost become a. deaf. It's hard. Yeah. I mean there's comics. like Chappelle's special or Bill Bur. some people they uh.

they get away with it and that's great. because I think people can again. comedy. Yeah. You just have to be I. think you have to be smart. It's hard. I hope it just sort of blows. over because I don't want to see the end. of people doing comedy. I know. Yeah. What'll happen, man? I want to go to the. mall and audition. [ __ ] Star Search. By the way, to wrap. up that story about a couple years. later, I got the Young Comedian special. And I think the next day they said, "Oh, you got Star Search, too." And I had to. turn down Star Search. And I was like, "Oh, [ __ ] I was waiting all this time. for that." They said, "You can't do.

both." I go, "Ah." So, missed it. You. had to let it go. And that was something you thought was. going to be a break. Yep. Do people ever think you're Brad Pitt? Have anybody ever come up to you and. thought you were Brad Pitt? A kid did the other day. Yeah. He literally he's like about 80. He. goes, "You went World War Z?" I go, "No, but I want to kiss you for that.". Oh, damn, dude. Yeah. He took off your glasses and he realized. what a bad joke was. I get my glasses. I go, "Oh, you're. eight." Oh,

he's like, "Oh, are you Kevin Hart?". Yeah, but I the worst is if Brad Pit. ever gets it. He must be like, "No, I'm. not that [ __ ] Brad Pit's one of the. few guys I've run into out there that's. a big star and he's a [ __ ] cool. dude.". Yeah. Yeah. I love him. Yeah. Cool cat. I mean, I don't see him a lot, but. Yeah. For that fame to be cool, shocking. Yeah. How would you even do it? David Spade, thanks so much for coming. in, man. All right. Thanks. I guess we just wrap. it up and say uh thanks for having me. And you got a good uh fan base out. there. I'm glad to talk to them. Yeah. No, man. I appreciate you coming.

in. And I hope you uh crush it tonight. at Brea. Where else are you going to be. in the next couple of. Oh, I got a Mirage October 4th and 5th. that weekend at Vegas. Oh, nice. Yeah, I do that. I'm doing a couple. weekends before the end of the year. I love that room. Yeah. Isn't that fun? You did it. Yeah. Great, dude. That room is the best. Place is fun. Yeah. Me and Ray Romano. It's great. So, Oh, wow. We've done it. We did it last year. It's. super fun. So, Oh, yeah. You told me about that. I. think you told me about that. So, you. guys are both going to be on stage half. and half kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. And I got Houston. improv coming up. And uh I haven't.

booked that many gigs just cuz the. show's so [ __ ] overwhelming. Yeah, but I'll be out there shaking my crummy. I love it. Staying busy. Thanks, brother. All right. See you guys. See you. And I feel I'm falling like these. leaves. I must be corner stone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll. share this piece of mind I found. I can. feel it in my bones.

But it's going to take. a little time. for me to set that parking brake and let. myself unwind. Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my stories. [Music]. Shine. on me. and I will find a song. I will sing it.

for you.