Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #378

I want to let you know next week I'll be. back on a regular solo episode and I'm. looking forward to that. um. so I will see you then we could just do. a little bit of mono imano. or mono ewomano as well. we'll include everybody. um this week February 2nd I'm in. Jacksonville Florida. uh and February 3rd I'm in St Petersburg. Florida America. uh February 5th I'll be in Orlando.

that's this week so you can grab those. tickets theovan.com tour I'm also in. Tampa and then I'll be in Lafayette. Indiana that's sold out. uh 225 I'll be in Rockford Illinois. that's February 25th February 26 in. Chicago at the Chicago Theater very. excited. and yeah Rockford Illinois home of the. Rockford peaches a femini and baseball. group that did it all almost one at all.

I think they won it theovan.com tour. t-o-u-r for tickets don't get tickets. from any third party sites only go. through theovan.com tour if you're. paying a ridiculous amount of money for. a ticket it's probably because you it's. some aftermarket site some Peddler. grifter we also have the new I'm. upstairs. collection available in hoodies long. sleeves and tees I wore my black hoodie. yesterday that says it.

almost. and the be good to yourself collection. as well always available go to. theovanstore.com thank you guys so much. for your support uh coming to see the. shows and any merchandise or anything I. love you. today's episode is being taped at Howie. Mandel's Studio. out here in um. uh California. so we're taping it here and we're. grateful to Howie Mandel for that thank. you.

today's guest is uh is a friend of mine. he's a dear man. and I don't mean he's a hunter or. anything I mean he's just a dear man and. he is um he's one half of the podcasting. Duo hey babe that he hosts with Sal. vulcano. and he is a full. both halves of his solo podcast Chris C. chaos. uh that you can check out.

um he is currently touring in cities on. his Chrissy theaters everywhere tour the. CTE tour tickets are available at Chris. D comedy he and I have a long history of. podcasting together this one's right in. time for Valentine's Day man. we're going to talk about love. um. and I'm grateful that he's here uh my. friend Mr Chris DeStefano. [Music].

[Music]. [Music]. I've been speaking. [Applause]. so you know but Chrissy D you know what.

I mean [ __ ] Chrissy dude you. know what I mean like look at that you. know I'm wearing bracelets like that. unless you're doing something unless you. know what I mean what is that is that uh. Bloomingdale's where'd you where'd you. get it got that Amazon but you know what. I mean yeah and what carrot is that is. it 30. might be 30. that's a good amount yes. sir and I got a chain. oh wow yeah I got a chain two Cuban Link. brace you know what I mean I'm just. saying like that's you know you're. adding shows at a funny bone with that.

yeah yeah oh look and you're married. still to your wife right yes well we're. not married but we have children so. we're married in the eyes of God. and did you know when you were gonna be. in love like did you not like when you. take me to it for real and be honest. with me because I've been thinking a lot. about love and like how do I get you. know being just jumping in and be like. I'm in love you know and like like I. don't have a girlfriend anything right. now but it's like really yeah but I've. been thinking about it's tough to be. single with a jacket like that because.

you're I'm soaked but thanks man you. look good in it man I think it's one of. one of those like Andre Agassi. collection things no it's [ __ ] it's. it's money in the bank jacket I just I. really like the jacket thanks I actually. saw a man with it who did skydiving is. the first time that I ever saw it yeah. it looks like something like Whitney. Houston would wear but I love Whitney. Houston really yes Whitney Houston is my. number one I was watching the Whitney. Houston documentary on the plane coming. out here fully crying in Delta economy.

I've told you bomb and chose at funny. bones yeah so oh that's good dude if you. what uh do you um what are we talking. about you asking me about love and yeah. you want to fight did you know did you. know okay I'm gonna be 100 honest with. you yeah all right this is for Real in. 2014 when I met okay hold on what was. the climate of the world in 2014 2014. getting along pretty we were getting. along we had uh Obama's president you.

know um there were real no problems on. the horizon you know China was starting. to act up a little bit you're starting. to hear you know but China was always. like uh watch them a little bit but we. really didn't have the problems we have. uh right now you know we were two years. away from being saved by Trump and now. we're back in the [ __ ] but yeah so. it was kind of like a little bit of a. Glory Days but I was single I had been. single for six months. um had you been dating kind of. vigorously had you been doing sex a lot. it had been uh again just being.

completely 100 vulnerable and honest. from the time uh uh from from from uh. January of 2014 okay until August of. 2014. yes I I contracted chlamydia so. many times that my primary care doctor. gave me my own prescription of. Azithromycin which is what cures. chlamydia almost like a male birth. control he said anytime you it just. hurts a little bit to pee just take this. he said because I can't stop stop you he. said and it's amazing you don't have. herpes AIDS or syphilis but you got.

chlamydia like I've never gotten covered. once but I get chlamydia like chlamydia. is like you know what I mean yeah you. were yeah you were and so he was scoring. committee yes. he would I would pee in a company would. go like that like it was a hot potato. because my urine was 100 degrees you. know what I mean so so yeah yeah because. this thing's it looks a little Booyah. basic yeah that's when it's bad boy I. remember one time when you got that. chicken noodle piss yeah chicken noodle. pissed with chlamydia on the side so I I.

remember one time I gave him a cup of my. urine and I said Is it bad and he goes. he goes feel it what do you think and I. was like it's it's a little warm he goes. yeah it's not supposed to be like that. wow I was like yeah he went so okay so. so get to August 20 serving hot so I so. let me tell you something and listen at. that time you know I I I was I was you. know there was a lot of beautiful women. I was recently single I I you know I was. out there in the world with Tom and I. was I was I was hooking up with with. beautiful women and and having a good. time I had a beautiful apartment in Long.

Island City New York I had a view of the. city I was really really like being free. and single for the first time in my life. were you on the apps were you just. meeting women at shows just meeting. women at shows on Instagram I never did. any of those apps not never once I like. it um. Native American basically of dating I. was Native American I was hunting. Buffalo and some of them were buffalo. but I don't discriminate you know what I. mean so you got some gazelle some. buffaloes it depends oh yeah dude I've. been with some yeah wounded Antelope you. know what I'm saying 100 I had sex with.

a woman who was on dialysis. you know oh wow is that good for them. that's good well it it she wouldn't. she'd be dead without it she was in her. mid-40s on dialysis she was actually a. friend of my father's and they met at. dialysis and I wound up having sex with. her it wasn't a proud moment but I did. um and because I was in I was just in. that in that time in 2014 I was just. there I was Finding women that felt. empty like me that were you know having. sex and [ __ ] I I don't [ __ ] anybody out. of like an urgent care or nothing you. wouldn't do it no.

yeah I don't do it man my sister works. at him I've seen yeah some behind this. I'm not doing that [ __ ] yeah no I guess. somebody's rolling out of her urgent. care I'm not you're not gonna I know. having sex with a woman on dialysis was. I don't want to say it was a low point. but you know I mean it was uh it was. dangerous because you know she was had. blurred vision and [ __ ] and I was like. you know I don't even know if she's are. you really young you know you're on it. yeah yeah yeah I bought a falcon yeah so. so so August of 2004 this series take me.

there August the 2004 I'm sorry July of. 2014 it was July 6th okay okay my boy. Pat Finn again Patty Fly ball shout out. uh he just fell down the stairs. yesterday and had a laceration on his. chin he tripped over his dog leash. um so shout on him. lost Consciousness yeah yeah. um so he we went to a place uh in. Brooklyn it was called place to beach in. Coney Island Brooklyn okay and would you. say in volleyball they were having sand. volleyball. um and it was this is a place in.

Brooklyn where this isn't like. gentrified woke Brooklyn this was like. where native New Yorkers are going okay. you know you had the Puerto Ricans and. the Italians going out there it's Coney. Island like yeah Coney Island is like. it's not gentrified man that's real New. York City like you got to be from New. York to even know where these spots are. at that was one of those spots I wasn't. looking for anything I wasn't looking. for I was just I was out there maybe. gonna why did you go that day because. Pat Finnegan had told me he's like yo my. sister's there with her friends oh yeah. so let's go meet my sister's friends. because the sister's beautiful girl and.

we were like okay yeah we'll go we'll. have fun drink I had a show at the creek. in the cave R.I.P the creek in the cave. it was in Queens New York at the time I. was supposed to have a show at the creek. in the cave at eight o'clock and said. let's go to that place at five yeah. we'll do it we'll have a couple of. drinks I was drinking strawberry vodka a. chicken strawberry vodkas and I said. let's get drunk we'll drive my my Jeep. Grand Cherokee out there and then you. know we'll take the bus to the creek if. we can't drive I got a Grand Cherokee. see similarities. so and we both got 80s jackets on yeah. it's nice dude and I got that bracelet.

I don't have it so so I'm I'm we're in. there and again not looking for anything. and again I was at the point you know a. lot of beautiful women were you feeling. hopeful. I was feeling I was feeling I remember I. was feeling good I felt I was wearing. the right shorts and the right shirt. that I felt like I was in better shape. than I actually was I felt tight even. though I probably had eaten pizza and. carbs but I felt tight and good yeah I. love that when your shirt does that for. you because you know like right now I. don't feel good I feel fat I feel.

bloated I'm just trying to cover it up. because I don't feel good man because I. had a muffin this morning but yeah so I. had two muffins this morning actually. and a jalapeno cheese bagel and I had. cold oatmeal on the plane what can you. do I'm Crissy carbs wow yeah I went in I. probably got 4 000 calories it's it's. barely three o'clock damn dude it's. barely it's not even February yet I know. dude so I I I eat like my drug is I I. eat too much and uh you know but what. can I do so you're on strawberry vodkas. you have a nice fit on yeah there and do.

you are y'all doing activities what are. you doing no so we're in the bar. literally just listening to you know the. house music uh uh you know trying to. talk to girls dancing just being stupid. and I I go to take a piss they had a. porta potty there like that yeah so I go. to take a piss I like a porta potty dude. because it's almost like you feel Brave. when you even go piss you're like you're. not like Magellan but you're like I'm. going to try you know what I'm saying. I'm doing something different and it was. and and the Porta pot is the only time. in my life before Kobe that anytime I.

use a porta potty I would look to wash. my hands or Purell because 100 of the. time even if I duted I would never wash. my hands before covet I was like I don't. need to wash my hands unless I was in a. porta potty so with the porta potty the. hard part is getting the door open you. almost gotta kick it with your foot and. let it bounce a little and then catch it. with your foot yeah you got to do so you. got to act like you don't have even half. hands like you just got Nubs yeah so so. I. I come out I come out I met a you know I.

met a guy I I used to be a physical. therapist I I had a patient I should say. that was just a torso let's not say a. well is it called a patient or if you're. a physical yes no they would call us. patience and we technically have. Doctorate Degrees I mean I have a. doctorate degree I would never call. myself doctor some of my you know. classmates did and that's [ __ ] but. they were called page tonight he was a. torso just a Toyota no arms no legs does. he speak at churches no no no no I think. he's no longer with us but he was just a. full torso oh wow and it was crazy to.

see but he would maneuver it like he. would get [ __ ] done just rolling around. you know sternum Ernie yeah he was just. it was wild dude it was crazy and does. he have a spine or not or just like a. rib cake no he had a full head spy and. everything but he was just just think. about like a mannequin okay with no arms. no legs just think about one hold on. you're talking so fast it's hard for me. to know sorry well think about it. Celsius sorry I'm sorry so thinking. about a mannequin all right and what. else no arms no legs alright head brain. spine okay tattoo on his rib cage oh wow.

yeah they didn't see that coming yep and. he was having um. he was having I think it was shoulder. issues uh because uh easily neck neck. shoulder because that's all you got left. it's just his neck yeah and he was born. that way by the way he wasn't in an. accident and this is true I'm I'm you. know I could probably prove it to you he. was also a hermaphrodite oh wow so so he. was and he was blind in one eye this is. I I I'm not making any of this up I.

can't say his name because that's. against HIPAA yeah you know but but he. he is the patient if anyone who worked. with me at NYU in uh you know summer. spring or whatever it was of of 2010 you. know exactly who I'm talking about damn. yeah well that's probably not a lot of. it and that's you know you got big I. mean my my people I work with the big. fans of yours absolutely so so so with. that being said I um I I so you're there. I'm there it's July 6 of 2014. okay I.

see who's going to eventually become my. the the mother of my two beautiful. children wow and so when I saw her dude. I never forget I saw I was drinking. strawberry vodka having fun it was. probably you know on an app looking for. Domino's Pizza I'm always anytime I. drink even though New York city has the. best Italian food every time I drink I. always want Pizza Hut and dominoes I. think it's just pain it's just a cycle. of pain it's like I want to look in the. mirror and be like you [ __ ] suck you. eat that dominoes [ __ ] Oh yeah like. something like that like BDSM yeah it's.

like like a suicidal thing you know yeah. like Italian BDSM yes yes so I say I see. her I see her and she's like dancing and. it was one of those things where it was. like almost like in a movie where I was. like like uh truthfully I was like my. heart like stopped like I was like like. it's the only time I ever felt that in. my life wow well I looked at her and I. was like oh my God like like the beauty. was like like floored and again like I. said I I was I I said everything before. I had you know we're talking to. beautiful women and Ben so she was.

beautiful like you know there were other. girls but there was something different. about her and I said to my boy patty. patty fly balls who had whenever he was. chewing on a straw and I said to him I. do that yeah I said to him I said um I. said dude look at how beautiful that. woman is and she he was like I know. she's amazing and I was like he he. agreed he agreed and I was like oh. that's nice I said that I said I said. that literally is the hottest girl I've. ever seen in my life I was like I can't. even think right now and he was like oh. he was like bro relax what'd you do then.

you left no so he goes he goes dude yes. she's a smoking hot Puerto Rican chick I. get it like. and I said I got to go up and talk to. him. I said I literally was like inside of me. I was like if I do not talk to her like. this is gonna bother me for the rest of. my [ __ ] life like I'm never gonna. forget this woman so I go up to her and. I say listen I said I you know I saw you. from across was the music allow is it. hard to get her attention that part I. don't remember because I was enamored. because you know what's amazing about. her she was so beautiful and obviously.

is so beautiful but the thing is when I. focus on is she has a chipped tooth so I. was looking at her chipped tooth because. I was like wow you know you're like from. afar like you don't notice you have a. chipped tooth but then when I get closer. it's almost like the chipped tooth it. even made it more beautiful because it's. like it's Unique it's almost like a like. a hot chick with a scar you know what I. mean like I was like I like this this is. unique I was like you gotta buy a vowel. or something yeah like one of the most. beautiful women I've ever met besides. her has no pinkies and I was like and. she's a smoke show but she's got no. pinkies and she hides them but she's you.

don't meet people that don't have. pinkies yeah and she doesn't have them. but she's gorgeous wow she's almost like. a sloth almost yes she's dude I'll tell. you this first girl I ever kissed had a. chipped tooth yep yep and they made us. kiss we were in love man I don't know if. we were in love but we live near each. other well sometimes that's all take. up wasn't being married was in ancient. times you just just people in your. village that's why this whole concept of. a soul mate you there's nine billion. people in this world and we're all. connected through Mark Zuckerberg the.

God yeah so it's like you this whole. idea of a soul mate and a one and only. that's that's ancient tribe [ __ ]. this is not new world thinking because. new we're all connected man you just you. knew about 15 people right back in the. day right so you know what I mean so. with her with Jasmine. I walked up to her and I said I said I. it's it's I can't stop like looking at. you guys I said do you have a boyfriend. full psychopath with the first time I. can't stop looking at you yeah I might.

have been whispered it. you should have had somebody write it on. your back or the marker and just pull. your shirt up yeah I went full psycho. because I was just so and I just love. brother that's what I'm telling you. that's love yeah and I said to her I. said is is there any way I could just. buy you a drink and she said you could. but my boyfriend is here so then I was. like whoa cause I got a rule man if you. got a boyfriend I don't mess with that. right or a husband like I don't I think. that's bad karma I would never want that.

I don't mess with that like oh there's. plenty of fishing to see but something. about her I was like I almost feel like. it doesn't matter like I don't care that. you know like I almost have to be like I. don't care at all that you have a. boyfriend yeah I have to take a chance. even if this guy kills me because I'm. sure based off what you look like you. probably have like some Guido like. convict murderer Brooklyn Italian. boyfriend which I was right volleyball. playing too yep uh my stepdad found out.

that some lady was getting married that. he used to have a huge crush on and he. went over he was at a bar or something. that night he found out she's got. engaged and he drove over to the house. and went up on our porch like in the. middle of the night. and said look I got all these feelings. for you blah blah blah and she didn't. care right and while he was up there. somebody burned his car. on fire so he [ __ ] was there and. literally his car is burning which is a.

horrible look if you're trying to tell. somebody like that you're the guy for. them you know it's just like oh my God. and then you come come back with a. bicycle yeah. no way. your car set on fire yeah I don't know. what happened I I either he just left a. cigarette in the dash or something. happened you know but online shopping. isn't slowing down anytime soon that's. right it's here to stay. fortunately or unfortunately I kind of. miss the old days but the old days are. just that is your business.

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out bike workouts yoga meditation dance. cardio and more go to. onepeloton.com that's. o-n-e-p-e-l-o-t-o-n.com. so so you know she says I got a. boyfriend and I said I can't I won't be. deterred not on this one so I said you. know what I'm I'm just gonna have to. stick around and fight this out and and. for like an hour I would you know kept. drinking and I was just like you know. what man like I gotta and I know she was. talking to the bartender and so the.

bartender was turned out to be one of. her close friends still is one of her. close friends and so I said to the. bartender I said what what is it gonna. what is it gonna take for me what is it. gonna take for me to get this your. friend to like look at me notice me I. was like does she really have a. boyfriend and she was like I can't. answer that and I was like oh so they're. playing games. what's it called a misdirect. no I think it's called like a um turn of. events a turn of events so she says I I. can't I I can't answer that I said well. what's it gonna take and she was like.

she's she's she loves dancing she's like. and she's Puerto Rican like you got to. come up with some type of yeah they love. dancing like you gotta dance like do you. know how to do Bachata and I said I'm. gonna try yeah so I Googled Bachata and. I told them I told kashikab the music. you know she's a bartender I said let me. go let me let me look at some [ __ ] let. me YouTube a couple let me YouTube some. stuff and so I said and my boy was like. Yo dude remember that scene in Along. Came Polly when Ben Stiller started. dancing Spanish yeah and that's how he. got his woman so we watched that scene.

and I played that song from that movie. oh yes so I played that song and I'm. like I'm just gonna come up to her and. dance with her and then yeah bro this is. freaking getting good yeah dude so she. said so she so so the bartender was like. I'm gonna play that song for you and you. come up with those dance moves no are. you scared yeah. you know I was like whatever dude this. is going to be great yeah and you've got. nothing to lose because you're sitting. there with a drinking with an Irish man.

yeah dude a couple of Irish Men actually. yeah so I start so they play that song. nothing's further from them being. happily married and sitting somewhere. with two eyes. the complete opposite of it yeah so so. oh dude two Irish men and with uh. listening in the Mets games with the. headphones on like you know like they're. watching the Mets get like they were. trying to get the Mets score yeah and. and and so I just did that I did that. dance play that song she kind of giggled. and she goes and she goes that was a.

nice attempt she goes that was a nice. attempt and she goes how about this I'll. tell you my name so she tells me her. name and I was like okay and she goes. and then what I I almost it almost was. like it was a setup but I swear to God. it wasn't been on a show on MTV called. Guy Code and girl code which is. relatively still popular yeah. and all those guys guys and girls so so. I um I.

uh somebody came up to me and wanted a. picture with me from that show and then. she was like why do they want a picture. with you and I was like oh I'm on a show. on on it's on MTV and she was like how. old are you I was like 30. and she was. like you still aren't watching MTV and I. was like no I'm not watching it I'm just. on the show yeah yeah that's just uh. that's just that's fine man you're not a. bad guy that's just a business choice I. was like I was like you know I needed I. I'm just I'm working yeah I'm working. she said that the Puerto Rican yeah she. said that to me she was like what do you.

want right and that so I said um they. trust a lot of Television Puerto Ricans. are more they're more real life yes yeah. like if I was working at a gas station. or something like that it'd be more like. this is my kind of guy right but so she. was like okay and then she said um she. said what's the show and I told her and. she goes all right maybe I'll look it up. one day and I was like okay yeah it. could take forever dude she's so vague. doesn't she know we only have a lifetime. I know dude so then she goes so then she. goes um she was like [ __ ] with me so.

she goes um she goes all right she goes. I'm leaving. she goes I gotta I gotta get home she. goes I gotta get home to my son oh so. that was so when she said that got the. s-bomb dropped the s bomb so in my heart. my heart yeah I had to get home to my. chlamydia yeah I said I said if you get. I said because already then I said okay. I said well the first thing I said I. said is that you have a son with your. boyfriend she goes no and I said is you. so is the is the son's father around us.

or does he is he deceased and she was. like why would you want him to be. deceased I was like I don't I was just I. was just hoping that he was so I could. step in and be a stepdad like I just. said that immediately and she was like. you're like crazy and I was like yeah. and she was like and she was like he's. still in the picture I was like okay so. but when she said that to me I already. felt inferior to him so I said to myself. in my heart and head at that moment I. said the first time I have sex with this. woman I'm not pulling out I need to get. her pregnant too to even the playing. field that's how nuts I was you went. full Puerto Rican and that's eventually.

what I did FYI no way I met her I met. her I met her in August of 2000 2014 we. conceived July of 2014 my daughter. Delilah was conceived in August I have a. six and a half 2014. yeah dude wow my. daughter was born in May of 2015. wow so. so so you purposely impregnated her one. thousand percent wow yeah because I felt. so inferior to this guy I didn't even. know and I was like this is the woman of. my dream I'm gonna play hardball I need. this he's got one on the board I'm gonna.

get one of them I said yeah and now I. got two on the board now I got a second. kid so now I'm like two to one. [ __ ] so it's psychotic this is. how I live my life yeah so so I I kind. of like this yeah dude I went all in. because everyone was like you're crazy. and I was like I feel like I'm in an. Uber X with no breaks yeah dude I was. like yeah maybe I am yeah so then. finally I'll never forget I was at. Minnesota at Target Field I was at the. MLB All-Star game okay watching the game. Derek Jeter's final MLB All-Star Game a. huge Yankees fan oh yeah I get a message.

from uh Instagram message from an. account I wasn't sure of and it was just. a dog laying on the floor like this just. a it looked like a dead dog so I was. like this is weird yeah this is wild and. then it said. it said this is me giving in she said. this is me giving in wow and she goes. and she gave me uh her phone number. besides the last digit she goes so she. was really I mean making me more movie. Memento or whatever yeah she gave me the. last digit so I went through all the.

digits I went through all of them and I. just texted this number and I just kept. trying that digit and so fine yeah and. most of them were like who is this some. of them were other languages somebody. sent me back Chinese symbols and then. fine yeah so I was like could that be. her I was like jazz. yeah so then finally I got the digit the. last digit was actually a zero I started. at one like an idiot and then and so. zero it just started with zero and. nailed it on the first try so I finally. got her. and she said look she she broke down she.

was like I have a son I'm not looking. for anything serious but you know she. goes you seem like a funny guy she was. like I looked up your stuff it's pretty. funny she was like I was the the guy. that I was with she was like it was it. was a casual stupid thing she was like. do you want to take me out. um you know I have to make arrangements. for my son I'm free you know next. Saturday now is there a lot of pressure. because if somebody says they got a son. and then because you're almost like if. you take somebody out that has a son. yeah you gotta have a little bit more of.

a plan or like be real serious out there. yeah well he was three at the time and. when I opened the door when she opened. the door for me you can you hear him no. he showed up in his karate outfit he had. a karate outfit on with his orange belt. with a headband God and he was holding. up the hatred or why would he have why. would he be dressed like I'm saying he. was holding a mod to apple juice just. looking at me and why was he dressed. like that because I think he just wanted. to let him know like let me know that he. knows karate if I mess with his mom [ __ ]. that's crazy yeah isn't that crazy it's. crazy dude and I've since you know he's. my stepson now he lives with me so so he.

so he said you know Jasmine has since. told me like yeah he he put that on when. I told him Mommy's going to go out with. a friend and she he was like is that is. a guy and he when she said yes that he. put it on every time he smells apples he. just breaks a board in the living room. yeah and he no he's still the ice grills. the [ __ ] out of me every time I give him. his breakfast and stuff he's still like. dude never forget you ain't my dad so. you took her out where'd you take her so. that's what happened so I took her out. because this is good for me man because. I want to be in love you know so I want. to know how what do I do to get there.

so what happened was is I took her I. took her to uh at that time I was. performing at a place called McGuire's. Comedy Club at the end of Long Island. that's the Saturday I said listen if you. would you like to come to a comedy show. a picture up I had a Toyota Corolla but. it was a nice one but it was a nice one. dude it was like a 2000 I have a nice. one it was a 2014 had automatic windows. a lot of them have the Roll-Ups but I. had automatic windows at the time and. locks right when she's walking to the. car do you do all four windows down it's. a show where they all do it yeah well no.

I got out of the car I I rang the bell. like proper gentleman I had a rose for. her that I bought from the Chinese man. on the corner yes I had a rose for her. and she was like that's sweet and I was. like thanks and then I told her I was. like this isn't my real car and she was. like where's your real car I was like. it's up here I was like we're gonna get. my real car like I was being honest but. I was I was like saying like this is a. just stay with me because I'm telling. you I'm going places right but I was. like we're in a Toyota now but stay with. me I was like and there's nobody out. this show but I was like trust me one.

day I'm gonna have a gold bracelet and. did you really tell her all this I swear. to God I was like and she was like you. don't have to build yourself up she was. like I think it's cool you do comedy I. think it's Brave she was like I don't. care if you have a Toyota like it's a. nice car like I have a son yeah she was. like whatever yeah she was like I take. the bus to work she was like I have a. tattoo on my tit like this is nice you. know so I said which is she has a. butterfly tattoo on her tip and but I. love that so so she said um so so we go. out there we go to the show and uh it. was in like a shopping mall. that's tough it's tough and that's tough.

to bring a girl to a place that used to. be like a Radio Shack or whatever would. it be Jiu Jitsu during the day yeah it. was bad it was and yeah it was next to a. diner so it was bad so but I had a. pretty decent set for about 15 people in. Bohemia New York and Suffolk County Long. Island a pretty decent set and I said at. the end of the set I said I want you. guys I want you guys to I want to. introduce you to my new girl. and I said I said let's bring up to the. stage Miss Jasmine yeah and she couldn't.

believe that I did that and she was in. the back like she was like I'm not going. on stage I was like I was like baby come. on stage with me I was like I was like. come over here yeah come on stage let's. walk into the future yes and then she. walked up the stairs and and people you. know the guy was like like whistling out. or whatever and I was like who was that. Blanca. no man it's my crown no blacks. um yeah so it was Bohemia Long Island. you know they can only go to a certain. point on Long Island oh really yeah then.

you're real urban after a certain yeah. you can't do it yeah I'm kidding by the. way I've a very cultured diverse uh fan. base it's like a community college same. I was just wondering who would do the. whistle I'm trying to no Italian guy so. it was Italian yeah Italian guys will. whistle she's Puerto Rican beautiful. girl Italian sauce Brothers basically. yes the sauce brothers so they so I gave. her a kiss right there on the lips dude. a [ __ ] damn in front of everyone yeah. dude I put the pressure on it'd be I'd. be in prison for that today you know it. was forced and all that yeah but that. was 2014 there were no rules back then.

you know what I mean it was still the. Wild Wild West yeah you can do whatever. you want to be a me too 100 me too and. maybe it still will come back to be. we'll see if she writes a book so so I I. kissed her and then we got back in the. car and I was like was that crazy that I. did that she was like it was but she was. like I like that you're brave and I was. like wow so then I drove her back home I. I drove it back home the very and I said. and I said listen I said I'm not going. to come upstairs and she was like don't. even [ __ ] around with me she's like.

you're not coming upstairs I was like I. just want to let you know I'm the one. telling you I'm not that kind of guy she. was like laughing whatever wow then the. second date which was two days later I. took her to a fat Joe concert at yes. and I had known Fat Joe because we were. co-hosting a show for a major league. baseball at the time so he brought me on. stage and brought her backstage and you. know Puerto Rican connection so then I. was like I sold fabulous Puerto Rican. yeah fat Joe's Puerto Rican Jasmine's. Puerto Rican I was like oh yeah you're. done I was like we have sex tonight so.

damn that first night though dude I was. so nervous and so enamored by her love. and who she was that I couldn't get my. penis up I was just smushing I've been. like that since I was 11. I couldn't get. it up man nothing dude I was even trying. to watch SportsCenter and everything and. my dick would not get hard bro did I. remember drawing a hard dick and just. showing it to my day yeah dude yeah and. I wouldn't do it I could not get hard. man I was I was doing it I was watching. chart or whatever I'm saying raw shark.

yeah I just couldn't get it up and then. she got embarrassed for herself she was. like is it mean like what what's going. on I was like no you're so I was like. you're almost so beautiful and I'm So. Into You that it's having a counter. balance effect and she was like oh man. and I was like this isn't I was like I'm. embarrassed and she was like I'm. embarrassed for you like damn. huh yeah she was old but she said I'm. ready to go she was like I'm drinking no. she was no no mean and ready to go radio. Obsession I gotta be drinking Bacardi. all night you just assist me to Fat Joe. like I'm ready to go like you know what. I mean like I I wore myself I told you. that point she was like you just reduced.

me to Fat Joe I I did take her to. sabaros I know lady I want to have sex. too yeah but I wouldn't get it I know I. know I know and my balls are so long. that like when I when I have like a soft. penis like that like it looked like look. like I have an issue down there and and. I hadn't shaved my pubes so she was a. little bit like are you ready are you. not like your balls are like hanging. pressure kneecaps you have a full Bush. and you can't get your dick hard you. know like like so like I hell yeah dude. them long nuts.

but but I said I got a devil's mistletoe. son yo so I said to her I said can I. just because she because her son wasn't. with her son I guess was with her his. father that night she had she had had. the had the night so I said you know. nothing like I said will you mind double. dragon conference probably dude his son. was ready to go. his son was yeah buying AK-47 so you're. at her place no she's at my place okay. and she's staying over so now she's.

staying over because I said to her I. said can I convince you to stay because. she was like maybe I'll just go whatever. like give you something to say even if. even if I can't get it right yes because. when I knew what I was counting on was. morning wood I said at least I know for. a fact every day since I've been 12 I. wake up with a heart on normally when I. was Hemingway do I pee it out I always. pee out my morning wood but I said I'm. gonna try and have sex with her even if. even if what comes out is just pissed. even if I pee in her vagina at least I. got it hard and I could show her what's. up yeah because when I'm hard I'm very. decent and I have a like I've been told.

one of the best circumcisions like. people I've ever seen really not one. mistake do not a scar nothing and if I. get a couple of words it looks like that. uh like Charlie Brown shirt kind of a. little the cut you know yeah yeah so. that's what I'm saying so I have a nice. so I was like when I get it up man it's. good you got that eyes out dance smooth. skin it's a little red at the tip like. it's nice and and really white like you. know I gotta redo mine I guess yes. I want to get my foreskin put back on oh. really my mother still has it. my mother has my foreskin and my first.

poop and my first hair for my first. haircut in a box underneath my childhood. bed which has remained untouched you. almost would think I'm dead but she. hasn't changed my room since I left wow. so I said that's my only hope I can't. believe you did that the morning wood. yeah so I woke up she had to wake up and. go to work so she set the alarm at seven. a.m oh an alarm here's my thing alarm. makes my dick soft really yeah so I have. to like. I just like any like alerts or anything. so you know I can't do it if there's.

broken glass in the room can't do it. can't do it so I said to her I was ready. to go I said so I said you know what I'm. just gonna have to do this so I just. went down I just went down I just went. down but are you erect yet are you just. hoping it's hard while you're down no it. was fully erected and then it started to. go down a little bit it starts getting. nervous while I was going down on her so. I just started dry humping my bed I just. tried a dry hump in my bed to make so. while I'm going down I'm dry humping my. bed and she's like are you having a. seizure I'm like no no don't worry about.

it like and then I just popped up and I. put it in and you know it was like you. know I was like oh [ __ ] I'm in and then. it felt like you know responsibility. that I was in there and then I I had to. pee and I knew every time when I if I if. I masturban had sex with a woman and I. hadn't peed and and I I was I came I. would get a uh some type of infection. not chlamydia like some type of UTI yeah. I'm gonna go to UTI but I said you know. what man I said I have to eat level the. playing field with this guy so I'm going.

to not pull out so I didn't pull out and. you ejaculated yes and I ejaculate it. but how do you get the ejaculation past. the urine. it just just will man wow just pure will. I believed it could happen. so I pushed out and I filled her up with. with pain did you tell her you were. going to. she she was like I was like I'm gonna. come I'm gonna come and she was like and. then she was like oh you know like went. to like push me off and I just you know. you stayed on yeah because it felt so. good and she was like what the [ __ ] and. I was like I'm sorry you know whatever.

and she was like well let's go get you. know the pill and I said yes of course. so we go get it the same day yeah right. away gosh I had a lot of time left over. then if she had to go to work ready for. this though yeah we're driving in the. CVS right in the Corolla in the Corolla. 10 minutes it's a 10 minute drive we're. in the Corolla about minute eight you. know what she says to me she goes I'm. pregnant and I said you're not pregnant. she goes I've been pregnant before I'm. [ __ ] telling you I'm pregnant she. goes I just got light-headed out of. nowhere I think the sperm I think your.

sperm just hit my egg and I was like No. And I was like no way that's impossible. it's like this is your brain on drugs. yeah like she was I was like like a. direct hit like a [ __ ] Bullseye yeah. and she goes um she goes I'm pregnant I. was like you're not so she go so we go. get the pill she takes it I saw her take. it whatever we go and she go and she was. like listen it happens whatever she's. like I'd love to see you again like I'm. actually starting to like you so now I'm. like holy holy [ __ ] did she take the. pill there in real time or you let her. leave with the pill no no she took it.

like she took it in real time oh yeah. she dropped it down and yeah why dude. because she wanted to take the pill like. you know what I mean I want you know. what I mean so that was that was August. okay. September 11th 2014. I was doing a show. at Side Splitters in Tampa Shout Out. Tampa the owner the owner of that comedy. club I remember that night had told me I. just punched a woman in the face in the. parking lot the night before and he was. proud of that they do that yeah so I. remember I remember that's what I. remember that's Tampa that's the Tampa. national anthem he goes yo you want to.

see the footage I knocked some woman out. in the parking lot the other night I was. like yeah yeah I was like great then he. goes I bet your whole paycheck you can't. make me laugh on the Saturday late show. I was like what the [ __ ] I was like. you're a dirt bear Criminal. so yeah and then he put He the comedy. condo he had put me and Damian lemon. shout out Damien lemon the comedy he had. put me and Damian lemon at had a had a. tooth in the sink oh yeah so we had. called our manager and we got out you. know we gotta we gotta found a nice. hotel room in Clearwater but he had a.

tooth in the sink oh yeah [ __ ] Dexter. sweet yeah and there were two of us and. one of us had to sleep on a pull-out. sofa yeah so so so. that's September 11 2014. I'm down there. I was talking about sleeping I was. talking to Jasmine a lot you know but. but had no plans for her to come to. Tampa and she called me that morning. September 11th she goes she goes hey I. was thinking I'm going to come out to. Tampa like you know it's be cool to be. in Florida I said yeah come on you know. come out yeah whatever she was like I'm. gonna come out I'm gonna see if I can. make it there for your for your late. show I'm gonna get a flight right now it.

was a great wow I was like this is. awesome like I'm you know not thinking. anything I've been talking a little bit. yeah oh yeah no we were talking still. you know every day every other day you. know she has a family and whatever and I. was like. yeah so. finally uh she gets there and she looked. beautiful I came off stage that night. she was like gorgeous tan Amy and I look. good today. evening I'm like I'm 241 pounds now back. then I was about 2009. you know what I'm talking about no but. I'll sing it with you uh it just reminds. me it's like a romance song so yeah go.

to a party oh yeah I know that song yeah. yeah but I don't know any of the words. after that. yeah you're saying that like you're deaf. I like it. yeah so okay so you get off stage she's. there she's there beautiful so they have. an ice cream room there no it's a [ __ ]. no you stand in the back of the bar they. don't have a green room right there's.

just you can see all the tubes coming. out of those boxes that do the soda. thing yeah yeah and that guy was just oh. my God yeah dude it's a Corolla yeah. it's bad dude and the owners back there. just beating the [ __ ] out of women. is happening. so I said so I was like wow you're here. and she goes yes and then she had lined. up three shots she was like you gotta do. shots and I was like this is [ __ ]. awesome we're gonna have you know have. sex again tonight like great I said I. got a nice hotel room you could see the. bay you know whatever.

so we go back you know have fun with me. her and Damian go out to a Bob Evans we. after that we got some food and then we. have some fun yeah and then we go we we. go back to my hotel and we get back to. my hotel room and you know you know. she's like and is Damian like hanging. around too much or he gets no Damian. gets it he's like you know I'm Gonna. Leave You too he's always that weird guy. I was like nah Damian come to your room. and let's play a game like. Damian's cool as [ __ ] bro he know what. was going on yeah yeah Damian was like. just let me let's gonna hold my wiener. up to keep it hard.

unless you're gonna stand under it like. this yeah dude no Damian knew what was. up good guy nice guy so I haven't even. thought of because you know the the. birth control the uh uh uh the the. morning after pill was like an. afterthought because it's like you know. she had taken I was like nobody's. thinking anything I wasn't thinking. anything and she didn't know what. happened she didn't swallow it no she. did she did so ah but she comes on. September 11th we ran the hotel room. that night and she goes um. she I I I go to use the bathroom and she.

uh says when I come out she has a. pregnancy test that's positive and she. goes um she goes this is your baby she. goes here's the thing she goes I don't. you know really want to do this I have a. son she goes I told you in the car I was. pregnant that birth the morning after. Bill didn't work she was like I told you. I told you she goes so you know you have. your career your life I think you're a. nice guy I found a lovely time with you. I would love to even con continue to see.

you she's like but I'm not going to have. another child like this you know she's. like I already have a child to a son to. deal with that I'm not with her his. daddy in Long Island huh what does she. mean like have another child on Long. Island no I think she meant like have. another child with a guy who maybe. doesn't want to get married or maybe. like that or maybe she didn't mean I. don't want to have a child with a guy. who lives in the five boroughs that. sounds like a human sewer cap right. maybe she said that right that's. possible right because her her ex uh her. son's father does sound and look a lot.

like me oh he does yes she has white. children she's made that very clear. she's only going to procreate with white. men and that's just her prerogative yeah. yeah so if you're not white you can hook. up with her but she will not bear your. children that's her that's her words. she's Puerto Rican yeah she said this is. like that macadamia nuts that's what she. said she was like yeah so. so she was like I want my kids to have. psoriasis so I said so I said um I said. to her I said to her you're pregnant you. know it's 100 mine she goes yes it's 100.

yours obviously and I was like um I was. like okay and then I had that moment in. my head where I was like you know I'm 30. years old I willingly did this I have my. career you know where you know not where. I want it to be but I was like if things. seem to go move in the right direction. have my education I said I was. irresponsible by acting in the moment. and and deciding not to pull out and do. that because I was feeling inferior to. another I created all these dumb things. in my head because I'm nuts I said no I. said to her I said look I said.

I would love to have this child even. though I know I barely know you you we. don't know anybody yeah you don't know. my family I don't know yours I said. there could be a million red flags at. the both of us. I was like but I would love to be a. father to this child I was like I don't. know if you and I would work out I don't. know if you'll hate me or like me I. don't know I said but I know for a fact. like I will make this child like my. whole life like I promise you that will. happen it sounds so Japanese all of a. sudden yeah yeah well I dropped a. [ __ ] nuke in her so I said so I said. I I said I will do that and she was like.

let me think about it let me think about. it oh my God and then we woke up the. next morning this is like on Joe Dirt. whenever that thing happens he's talking. at the sewer system whatever and he's. drinking [ __ ] out of a can and he's like. and Brandy wouldn't touch my dick you. know and they left me we'll be right. back. um okay yeah so she said so we won't let. me think about it we woke up the next. morning we were in Florida in Tampa Bay. woke up the next morning and there was a. pelican on our balcony and I was like.

that's a stork I was like that's a stork. even though I knew it wasn't I was like. that's a stork yeah and because she you. know she doesn't pelicans and storks she. was like that's a sign then that's a bad. historic yeah I said that's our baby. right there that's stork wow and she was. like if you're gonna be a good dad and. you promised me that you'll then we can. do it wow and you did it and we did and. that's the best and that's why I now in. retrospect even though I love her and. and you know she's always be a part of. my life I think what I was seeing when I.

met her that day I placed the beach I. was really seeing my child that's what I. was thinking like a a life thing like. because it was it was a it was a still. I've never felt that way about any woman. like well right stopped in my tracks. like this woman is like I felt like this. woman's gonna be like my life and that's. what it's turned out like I'm forever. linked to her now we have two children. it doesn't matter what happens between. us and things are going good between us. but it doesn't matter whatever the. future holds it's like we we're linked. forever so. and then we broke up we broke up like we.

were co-parenting for years yeah and. then the pandemic happened and we got. back together first time we had sex we. have now a second daughter my seventh. month old daughter Violet so now so so. so it's just locked in like that and I. think when you're talking about love. what I will say is that I feel like now. like I I it I never went looking for it. like at all it kind of just organically. happened and I don't know necessarily. what being in love is or what all those. I think it's different things to.

different people yeah but I know that. they'll never be me and Jasmine may not. always be together that may or may not. happen but there'll never be a woman. like she will always be priority number. one in my life no matter what you know. and my daughters of course you know my. children are my children but that's a. different thing than talk about as a. grown adult woman right she'll always be. priority number one wow like I'd kill my. mom you know before I killed her or if I. was gonna I'd kill them both at the. exact same time yeah but I never kill my. kids but I would kill my stepson yeah.

yeah but probably not he'll probably. kill me first. yeah well I was just kidding I would. never kill any of my stepson or my. children no I don't think I could kill. anyone actually. I don't think I could kill anyone you. could. no because I'm I am very because. something happened you could man you. know I don't understand why anyone would. spend thousands of dollars on a new. website when they don't have to that's. that's crazy they'll put you in a damn. mental Center if you're doing that. you're running around buying websites.

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TT Jerry is if you guys listen to the. Chrissy chaos podcast TT Jerry is. Jasmine's Godfather who's transgender. who's been in was in prison for 25 years. was son of Sam's uh prison [ __ ] as she. describes for many years also had sex. sex with uh Son of Sam had sex with um. the Amityville uh uh Massacre of the. Amityville Horror house you never heard. of that the answer doesn't Patrick or. something no his name was Ronald defeo. uh yeah TT said that he she used he used.

to let uh she would let him jerk off to. her they were right now so so you know. she had a knack for for killers and so. so she told me that was 25 years in. prison she told me recently on the. podcast she said if you went to prison. what I would tell you if you ever went. to prison. what you needed to do is immediately say. that you're trans you would immediately. need to start taking estrogen pills I'm. not saying you have to cut your penis. off but you should take estrogen pills. because then they will move you to the. transgender part of the prison and. you're safe there she said if you're.

going with the general population men. they're going to rape you and kill you. probably immediately she was like so I. would start sit claim your trans and. take start taking estrogen pills. immediately so that's just a little word. of advice out there. yeah because I bite my nails. and I gotta grow my hair that's what. you're saying yeah or they say that. that's good for women also biotin biotin. biotin I think it's called biotin yeah. she told me to take estrogen to to fully. start growing yeah she knows look yeah I. shouldn't say anything but she but now. that she's in our life you know she's.

really helped us me and Jasmine through. some of our problems we've been having. she's helped us because she's like hey. I've actually been in prison I've. actually been in solitary and. confinement don't make your life for. prison when you guys are free just. support each other you have two. beautiful children don't have you guys. make up you put yourselves in these. prisons she's like I was a for real. federally incarcerated so don't do that. so that was a big thing but but about. the love thing is is I think if you. don't look for it I I do believe love. you know this is this is gay and I love. [ __ ] when my dad's asleep but what what.

it is is if if love finds you you don't. find it I think the people that go. looking for it it's a forced thing you. know what I mean yeah yeah and also who. would be better who better to do. relationship advice than somebody that's. trans somebody that has a relationship. going on inside of their body I was. going to say that that she sees both. sides she comes at it from both sides. dude why are we not using trans people. to help us do marital advice and support. because they are a man and a woman they. nobody could sort it out at once than. the original recipe and sometimes the.

best times are TT Jerry is when. sometimes she goes like Minotaur she. goes half man half [ __ ] sometimes she'll. be wearing like what sharpens her feet. no you know I remember once recently she. was wearing one of my sweatshirts from. the Denver Comedy Works nice they do. that yeah she was wearing my sweatshirt. from Denver Comedy Works and Jasmine's. high heels and my six-year-old. daughter's pants so she was she was. fully like it was crazy you know because. that's the thing about Dana and a Puerto. Rican woman is you know when I'm folding. their laundry I don't know what clothes. are my six-year-old daughters and what.

closes the whole culture is badass. because they were very tight clothes. yeah small clothes yeah you know and the. good thing about jazz is her mother's. beautiful so you know like long-term. term you know because I because my. father's a very uh my father's a very. weird looking man he looks like he's. upside down like he's he's got different. part like he almost looks like he was. assembled when God was drunk you know I. don't know God was doing something I. think we can see him on your Instagram. yeah yeah he's a hideous looking man. Tampa Tony so Jasmine has brought that. up like you know you're gonna really. fall apart soon you know my dad looks. like Fred Flintstone yeah so but.

Jasmine's mom is is beautiful so yeah I. recently posted him if you look at his. name is Tampa Tony. um there you go to the right so if you. see looks like you know a lot of people. think he's special needs and um you know. yeah yeah you can't smile Kenny yeah and. he can't smile and and you know he's. wearing diabetic socks and he was in. Tampa last night I was at the Tampa. theater and he was telling he was asking. uh girls to look at his Tampa socks he. said How's my drip oh I like these Tampa. socks but yeah so that's my father so. he's not you know what I mean he's kind. of looks like he's he's falling apart.

and he's got a lazy eye so I get when. Jasmine's like I don't want to be with. you long term because that's what I will. turn into he gets a little shawshanker. around the boots he definitely seemed. like he has that cut fresh out of prison. he wears referee sneakers a lot of. people don't know how to stand when they. get out of prison yeah so that's how my. dad is. so um and but here Catherine Narducci. likes it she's from uh Goodfellas that's. beautiful she's the wife from Goodfellas. that's cool man um so so yeah dude so I. think so I think I think I will say that. having a family yeah he's good man he's.

got one of the tiniest penises you've. ever seen in your life man tiniest. truthfully man where it's like it was a. little bit of a thing where I used to. think my dad just was balls like because. we would take showers as you know take a. shower at your dad once in a while and. and um really truthfully like I'm very. blessed I don't have his penis very. blessed I remember taking a shower at my. dad because that was probably. 76 or something 75 and I'll show up 74. maybe when I shower with him I don't. know what year was your dad born 1910.

1910 so did he fight in World War II no. or World War One did he was he a late. late edition he was born in Nicaragua he. didn't have uh he didn't have a they. were neutral American War I think I mean. they were having Nicaraguan he's half. Nicaraguan so his mother was I guess but. he had people like were eating dirt in. his village and stuff like that right 76. years old it was pretty sad he said it. was pretty sad but people were eating. dirt but um. yeah no I know dude so I think that dude.

I think you know if this was about love. today I think that um I I will say this. I will say that having a family it does. make all my problems that I used to. complain about seem very minuscule like. I don't care about like I love comedy. it's my career it's but I don't get all. bent out of shape if I don't get an. audition if I don't sell this many if I. don't do that I'm like yo I just go play. with my kids man right like my kids your. kids bring you back I think you have to. have something around you I'm not saying. you have to have a husband a wife and. kids but you have to have something to.

get you outside of your work like. Japanese people they are so identified. they are what they have Japanese people. have a very very high suicide rate for. people over 65 because when they retire. they usually kill themselves because. they were just identified by their job. so I identify myself as you know a. father and then like then the other. stuff is comedy and this and that but. but I think having the kids it's. actually a Saving Grace because I don't. the problems that I just even like old. relationships I just don't care I'm like. right like even I have a friend right. now he's going through.

he's like agonizing over should he get a. divorce from his wife or not but they. have no children I'm like buddy do it. it'll be over in an hour for you like. you don't even have kids man like just. get out of it you're making you're. putting yourself in this prison like you. don't have children right if you have. children it's a lot harder if you don't. have children it's like just move on. with your life for me and Jazzy it's. been harder times because we're like. What are we gonna walk away from your. kids like you know my six-year-old. daughter says when when you're not here. I get scared daddy so what am I gonna.

I'm gonna go stay in a Ramada because I. want to get some side pushing no you. can't do that right you got to go in the. in the guest bathroom and jerk off. because you I'm not gonna have my kids. scared and I'm gonna be in the remodel. with the side piece when you wait to. your children to sleep before you. masturbate for sure. what do you mean been insane to talk. about that no yeah you know you never. matched to be in front of your kids of. course but yeah and why would you even. say that out loud that's kind of I mean. it's they're my kids you know like and. actually they were it yeah so it's like.

yeah it's just taking them back to the. old shop you know you know the. government getting involved in Family. Matters is a very new thing for most of. American History the government could. not get involved in a family matter like. if if if you killed your wife that was. up to the family if they wanted to if. the family said hey we want to prosecute. you all right fine but the government. couldn't just step in and do the family. it was family George Washington's era. you could do whatever the hell you. wanted a central dude yeah Central I. think uh the well once they made it.

illegal for you to have a graveyard on. your premises is that truthfully illegal. that's when it started to get really. really strange yeah interesting that's. very very very interesting because yeah. dude so what do you do with your family. what's but I mean what do you what so so. so you you think why let me ask you this. why do you want to fall in love do you. think it's going to save you is it just. you're at a point in your life you don't. want to be alone I think there's some. things like there's some things you just. said it's like. I think for one people are always like. get a pet get a wife get her something. get a kid you know I almost wish a girl.

would show up with a kid that I have and. I don't you know in a weird way not like. I didn't want to be there for the few. years but. um yeah I just think I need some I just. want something different in my life so. I'm not gonna like settle for some weird. thing or you know you know come and. somebody I just met at a [ __ ] you. know some Irish you know I don't. recommend her volleyball deal yeah but I. mean but maybe that is the way to do it. I think some of it is just about just. doing it like one of my friends I'm.

always like man I think I have trouble. in relationships with my friends like. you have trouble in relationships until. you do a relationship so it's like you. just have to do it and so that's kind of. where I've been I recently I took a. break from dating in. um December okay I took a complete break. from dating and interacting with uh. females so that kind of helped me get at. least a little headspace because I would. just I've just been kind of frenetic for. years just kind of like one girl to the. next yeah you just don't really think of.

like what's import you know you just. kind of get used to just messaging and. doing this and that and then you're just. kind of. I wasn't intentional right so now I'm. gonna say I'm I'm starting to get to a. place where I like to be more. intentional so I just think like yeah. what would be new things in my life. something that would be new would be. being in a loving committed relationship. does that woman need to be vaccinated. I do not care if that woman's vaccinated. okay. so she has to have proof of a vaccine. Corner she doesn't have to have the. booster no okay that's good because then.

that widens the playing field oh yeah if. you say I'm only going to have. vaccinated women It's just tough right. now you know because I think most of the. women that you want to deal with are not. vaccinated yeah I'll go non-vaxxed I. mean you know because it's it's it it's. becoming quite clear that it's very. difficult to deal with you know a very. Ultra liberal woman there are very you. want to go Republican if you're looking. for love in a relationship if you're. looking for a one night of fun then I. would say you can go more liberal but if. you want I mean a woman who's gonna be.

by your side then I think you want to go. Republican yeah is what I it's what I. would recommend or at least someone who. leans right they don't have to be ultra. right-wing nut job but I would say their. priority should be to the right because. it's becoming clear that you know the. people to the left it's just it's a. losing battle you know well if someone. come over there is getting weird I mean. whenever you get Way Out On The Fringe. it gets really weird but yeah that's one. of the reasons why I got a place in. Nashville during this pandemic was like. it was normal there like there was no. right nobody was masking nobody's doing.

like no it was normal and it's been fine. it's fine so that was like you know. Rogan asked me why'd you move there and. I I couldn't I mean taxes are you know. there's no state taxes and stuff and. here you know they might even move them. up to 18 in California but um I know New. York and California the worst I know but. then also there's a lot of great things. about living in those places so it's. like you get it yeah you don't want to. you know. but yeah I would say I would say if. you're looking for love but it was just. free there you know I was like oh I want. to live in a place that was free and it. felt strange when I came to other places.

and like people no stay with them I. would try for you man if I'm being. honest with you just like just fine too. bro I need my friends to be honest with. me that's a pretty mature guy like uh. you know or the most likely you do it's. the most mature in my life and and being. a father and just being knowing what I. think just being truthful is for me man. when I look at you I think you would you. want a a right-leaning woman who's from. Wyoming I think you want a state like a. Wyoming or in Idaho you want someone. like that you don't want someone who's.

in entertainment you know you don't want. someone you know and you don't want. someone who's storming the capital I. think you'd like a nice just like like. watch that show Yellowstone and a woman. like that is what you want maybe some. maybe you could contact Kevin Costner. and see if there's an extra or something. like that who's single and available in. Montana yeah I think that would work for. you man I could see you with that. because you're and they're tall too and. wind burn. yeah and I think that you know they. would cook a lot of the stuff that you. like to eat like ferret and whatever. other you know because he's from.

Louisiana so you know you guys eat. griddle cake griddle they know all that. stuff ooey gooey pie whatever that crazy. [ __ ] is you know because we have to play. pretend a lot like with a lot of these. places like they're real places you know. but I think with the pandemic a little. bit of Dove yeah. so you know like you just you know so so. I think that I think that um that's who. I would go with uh if I was you you know. and I think that you'll find it man if. you seem like you're in a happy healthy. place when I saw you your cheeks look. good really yep you did you look good. because I saw the one one time I saw. your cheeks look sunken in like I was.

almost like man this Theo have AIDS or. something but like gaunt like Horace. gone yeah but now you're good man you. look healthy look good and your hair. looks good your hair looks like you're. using perp Plus or something yeah your. hair looks shiny man like I know you're. using conditioner I've been feeling bad. about it but not really bad about it I'm. just grateful to have some hair right. now uh yeah man I think I have coven. what I just feel body aches dude do you. yeah but I haven't gone a lot though. yeah yo but I've been in the room with. Colvin like 15 times man dead ass do you. ever get it no I got the antibodies yeah.

so did you get the booster. um I'm sure I've missed. I'm sure I've missed some shots yeah. dude but me too I had a fake one for a. while but then I just I had to get the. juice yeah I think it's like look I. don't know I don't I don't even want to. get in all that honestly yeah you can't. right at this point well you can't make. public statements well I just don't. I'm just overhearing it it's like what. you know I can't fathom they're gonna. get people to go get some other booster. are they what are you [ __ ] insane at.

this point it's like you're literally. just throwing Dart you're literally just. stabbing people at a CVS that's what it. is yeah no I'm waiting for the next one. man even people that believe it don't. even believe in it now not anymore dude. you know even aoc's out there with no. mask on everybody no like nobody gives a. [ __ ] yeah dude one of my friends used to. hook up with AOC really the bar she used. to work out yeah wow you said she's. really not like that he said deep down. she she's Republican wow crazy right yep. I yeah I think well there's a lot of.

identifying people that want to be just. of you know they want to be something. and they I think a lot of people out of. fear too their boss is a certain thing. and they feel like they have to be that. right. um yeah but it's funny when we're. talking about 2015 and even before that. it's like I don't think people can it's. so crazy how divided people got I know I. know because you know what it is when. you think that you let when you but when. you really think that you let uh. some political thing divide you from. your own family members and a lot of.

it's just things you heard or you know. it's like it's not like real [ __ ]. between you and them it's just like. pieces that you've both heard on social. media and stuff and just fuel it's kind. of crazy well you know my father said. this in 2008 2009 you know this is a man. with an eighth grade education but very. street smart and as you could you know. yeah you know as a special needs man and. he was saying that he said in 2009 he. said this this Twitter thing is going to. be the worst thing that ever happened. for this country and I was like why he's. like because not everyone's supposed to. be talking and it's come out to be true. social media is like not everyone's.

supposed to have an opinion this is not. this is not what it is he's like you. can't let the whole world talk and I'm. like it's pretty true because now you. get people galvanized little sections of. them and then they do big things where. it used to be you know these people's. ideas were just they would get shot down. at it you know at a cafeteria in Biloxi. it wouldn't go any further than that. right but now it's like that cafeteria. in Biloxi you know you can get that to. thousands millions billions of people. yeah so it's problematic but I think. we're I think we're going back in the. right direction I think I think um I. think we're going to be all right man I.

think once Biden dies of natural causes. it's going to be all right you know. because I think they're going to have to. push him they're going to have to do. something with him you know I don't want. him to die. it's like watching Old Yeller yeah I. think I think that the United States. will do this I don't think I think that. the powers that be are gonna they're. gonna say you know they might just get. Lee Harvey Oswald back back you know it. might get the juices flowing again. oh to Assassin it would be easy just you. know it'd be you just don't you just uh. you just don't give him his pills that. morning. it's just I don't know but also.

government has become such a that's not. even our government anymore Facebook is. our government yeah later is our. government like yeah those are the. things the ruling entities the rest of. this is just bull it's like trial by. Twitter it's it's people just arguing. about some [ __ ] well it's become. states rights that's why when you you. know you live in a place like Tennessee. or Florida you live a different life. than you do other places like I've never. thought I would ever want to even. consider leaving New York yeah but this. there's a very simple thing like in New. York my six-year-old has to wear masks.

in her classroom all day and she hates. it I hate it for her I hate it for her. social people I'm not worried the. breathing is like whatever but you can't. deny like when my child doesn't see her. friends when you see a someone's full. face you get an uh you know her brain is. forming she could see people smiling she. doesn't understand reactions it's. performing her or if I just moved her. you know a thousand miles to the south. in Florida she's living a free life like. it's 2019. so you're getting there in. your career you can do that it's making. I have to make like an honest decision. if in the summer this summer they're. like okay we're going Mass on again then.

I'll I for I don't want her to live like. that and I'm not anti-vaxx or. anti-science or I'm not a right-wing nut. I kid around but like seriously I'm like. that's a simple thing that's a very easy. thing for me as a parent where like I. just don't want my child wearing a mask. anymore I don't well I just I think the. whole thing's interesting how none of. the so like none of the social effects. of this have come into any conversation. there was never any big conversation the. fact that if we shut everything down. we're gonna have hundreds of thousands. of people that are going to die from.

addiction from loneliness. yeah um all the people that probably. seniors that died of heartbreak because. they couldn't see their [ __ ] family. it's like and that a lot of that stuff. is unquantifiable and I bet I really. believe that it could be more than the. amount of people that died from covet in. America anyway 100 I really believe it. because for me you know it's my own. thing I have six friends that overdosed. and died during the pandemic completely. dead gone off the Earth right right I. don't have I don't know anybody that.

died of covet that's just me it's my own. world but. if they had AAA meetings that were open. and Recovery houses that were open it. might not have been the same case for. some people so I don't know I agree I. might have a different chip on my. shoulder no but it's about that it's a. mental health issue like in New York I. saw it the other day I saw a guy. in the middle of the day uh it's like a. homeless man and he started uh like I. saw this full he started like a full. spray [ __ ] like diarrhea on a brick. wall right right near Penn Station in.

New York City by the Square Garden like. just full [ __ ] there on a brick wall. yeah like it was crazy dude like wild. wild Behavior like just nuts but people. are desperate when you're spraying your. something out of your body onto a wall. to like yeah get a message across that's. desperation spray [ __ ] and a woman was. walking by and I because I was stopped I. was like oh my God the woman was walking. by and she called him gay or something. no she walked up to him and she goes she. called me gay for no reason and she goes. and she walked up to him and she goes. she goes excuse me sir put on a mask and.

I was like I mean this guy's spray. [ __ ] against a wall and you're. worried about his covet status like you. know like it's just like we're outdoors. in public let him you know it's a mental. health issue like the people who are the. most afraid have. all three vaccine shots probably two. boosters they wear six masks and they're. the ones that are terrified and I'm like. it's a mental health issue it's clear. it's a mental health issue now right you. know yeah it's interesting man well it's. just the the mental health side of it is. really interesting and a lot of that. hasn't really been explored and it'll.

all be looked at probably years down the. road but the thing is I think Dr fauci. is like just a like cute you know what I. mean like I like seeing Dr fauci I know. his science is what it is but it's like. he's just a small Italian man like. somebody's No-No you know like yeah like. he just comes out there with like a. wooden spoon and will you know he'll hit. covet with a newspaper you know like. like I I like him I guess he does have a. cute Ambiance yeah man like he looks. like if a tortellini became a National. Health Doctor you know like I'm like I.

like him man but he lost me when he. threw out that pitch at the national. yeah he stinks at baseball which is. crazy because a lot of those Italian. guys who grew up in Brooklyn they play. stickball and Joe DiMaggio yeah dude so. he's he's he's the shrimpsky is he. Italian call you shrimsky no. yeah I think your shrimsky's polish yeah. yeah I I one of my friends uh polish guy. just had a baby. wow he was a guy actually he got. circumcised at 19 years old man. showed up to school on crutches man yeah.

and he did it for a girl that didn't. want to uncircumcise just pierce your. tears that's what I said and then she. dumped it about two weeks later [ __ ]. his dick up man his dick was swollen. like it was it was bad dude he ever. appears your own ears for a woman. pierce my own ears for a woman no I mean. the craziest thing I did is I got a. woman pregnant because I felt inferior. to her ex and I I started a full life I. locked myself into in woman for the rest. of my life just to get even with a guy I. just saw once on Instagram yeah yeah.

that's cool though yeah I go for it man. yeah I think you do Shooters I take. swings dude you know shooter shoot man I. want to be that's where I want to be I. want to be the guy that's willing to. ejaculate and somebody I just met yep I. did it man and that's why that's why. like I there's um you know I'm proud of. the fearlessness you know yeah I'm proud. of it because I'm like I'm like you know. what man like if I'm gonna get a woman. pregnant who I barely even know just to. get even with her ex that I barely that. I at flat out don't know that I've.

created in my mind then yeah dude I'm. gonna take a chance on a joke I'm gonna. add a show that I probably shouldn't. have added I'm gonna make a ticket price. I don't give a fuss go for a new. American dude. bus dude I'm taking big swings dude I'm. taking big swings and semen swings and. that's what you have to do man. especially in our careers like you gotta. take big swings dude yeah I got to get. on the Joe Rogan show too yeah never. once oh you'll probably be right around. the corner no but you know what dude I'm.

proud of you're doing great without I. was gonna say I'm proud of of the ticket. sales and all that and the people have. been coming out to see me without any. Rogan appearance I'm proud of that yeah. you know so I don't know but you think. if I ever do get on them what should I. take a swing at him just to like stand. out you know what I mean no yeah that's. the move or like try to or like kill one. of his security guards or something no I. could bring his head in like on a spike. and be like yo start the show. yeah you just pop it we are a lot yeah.

um. but dude you're kill I mean what else is. the thing is with you man Theo is is you. know I was talking to Opie the other day. we used to do the Opie and Anthony show. or the Opie and Jim show at the time a. lot I was talking to Opie the other day. and we were just talking about how man. Theo is killing it and we were like um. he wants to take a walk me you and him. around New York City just to walk oh wow. I said if Theo's ever in New York I'm. sure we if he's got the time man we'll. take a walk yeah I had so much fun on. there that's when I was really cutting. my own hair for about eight years and.

I've been on there I remember that we. had that back and forth where I said you. look like Eileen wernos you said I look. like a deaf guy that goes to the gym. yeah yeah it was it was good back and. forth and then Carl was in the middle. and Carl oh dive man everybody else in. there died Carl died. yeah dick is on the dust I don't think. uh Vic wasn't no I think Vic they said. he died of a blood clot which is. interesting because he died of a blood. clot and this was about April I think of. 2020 where he might have been early. covid you know because they were saying.

that covert was causing blood clots or. it might have just been a rent Vic had. gotten hit by a car a few days before. and wouldn't go to the doctor and Opie. was like you need to go to the doctor. did you got hit by a car man and he was. like I ain't going I ain't going to the. doctor so there might have been a blood. clot forming in his but I mean got fully. hit by a car blood if you get hit by a. [ __ ] vehicle dude if anything's gonna. clutch your blood it'll be that that's a. crazy thing man to get hit by a car uh I. remember. uh trying to steal my mom's car one time. and like it started I was pushed I got.

the brain but it was kind of uphill. little and I didn't realize it would. start coming back I wasn't going to be. strong enough and I got like sandwiched. between it and another car on my thighs. and it was just [ __ ] so much pain. dude damn dude and I had these black. bruises on my legs for about two weeks. didn't had to yell for help and [ __ ] it. was so horrible that sucks dude I. remember one time I was driving me and. my dad I was in my dad's Oldsmobile and. nice legs all four of his doors opened. up on the Verrazano Bridge going to. Staten Island yeah you know all four of. the doors at the same time it was wild. and I didn't have a seatbelt on I was.

like 11. yeah my dad was just holding me. my sister fell out by a McDonald's out. of an Oldsmobile out of a cut out of a. Cutlass or something or Dell toes would. be Delta Cutlass Delta 88 damn dude. those [ __ ] those locks on those doors. are weak weak as [ __ ] man weak Lots I. miss Oldsmobiles yeah a lot of things. man I miss a lot of things dude. um uh what else were we talking about no. dude we're just flowing man I felt like. this is this you came out me and we were.

we just started talking about love which. I could talk about it all day because I. think it's got many different. definitions dude yeah and I don't know. if all your fans will like this maybe. some of them tuned out but the ones that. stayed man congratulations because uh. you know it's a different vibe we're not. actually going to talk about jokes all. the time we're talking about love well. yeah well I think a lot of people want. to hear that. oh I think I mean it's just what I've. kind of been like. not thinking about but it's like you. know. you want to see if it's out there yeah. you know I want to see if it yeah and.

listen dude and maybe it's only out. there for you from a month or two or a. year and then it goes away but you know. nothing lasts forever I want to get that. I think I would like to get that. marriage you want to get married see. because I had children first I don't. want to get married okay if I would have. gotten married. and they have the kids that's one thing. but because I had the kids first I don't. see to me what I think of is marriage is. a this is my opinion marriage is a piece. of paper it feels archaic it feels like. something you would do like if you're.

very wealthy like if you're on that show. succession then you get married because. it's power dynamics but this marriage. thing now is just a piece of paper that. some guy made up that had to be a thing. it's not real but children like that's a. type of marriage from the Universe I. can't explain I'm forever locked in to. my children's Mother now and that's not. that's from something that's from God. some Powers I don't understand yeah but. the piece of paper is like that's just. whatever state you live in there's. different rules you got to pay a guy. that's how I look at it and some people. will say oh that's a [ __ ] way of.

looking at your you know your you know. that that ain't cool but I'm like that. but but that's how I feel that's. Heaven's eggs dude that's that's. children I would like to have I think. then some matchroom I think I would like. to then maybe just even if I co-parent. it or something have like a loving. environment that brought some children. into the world I would say having. children man it's it's the most. beautiful thing listen it's all ego the. thing is it all stems from it all stems. from a degree of narcissism that. everything you know uh even mothers. loving you know the reason why you love. your own children is because it's a.

piece of you right so so that's okay to. I think to accept that. um you know you can't put yourself. before your kids because you need to you. need to make sure you're healthy and. strong so you can be healthy and strong. for your children you know what I mean. like like so so when some people are. like oh my kids are everything my kids. are everything to me they truly are but. I have to be mentally and physically. happy and healthy so I can pass it on to. them so I'm always think every decision. I make I'm thinking about wow you know. yeah see I like that I think I would. like to just have something and I don't. I don't want to do it because of that.

but it would be nice to have something. in the world that makes me less. self-focused yes because I think that's. the only way that it popped like that. you know I can get outside of my own. thoughts and ego is to because I can't. you know I can't sit there and. commiserate all day about career or. about something I said five years ago or. about what are people saying about me on. social media I can't commiserate about. that because my daughter needs to eat. right you know and and I'm like this is. the real important stuff yeah even like.

you know on the social medias of the. world you realize like all you have to. do is like you know when I don't know. somebody you know gets canceled or. somebody gets a bad review on a show. like all you have to do is is delete. that app and then it's gone yeah because. the real world for me is my children as. long as my children think I'm okay I. don't care what anybody thinks of me so. it's a it's like a superpower where. sometimes people be like wow Chris you. say some crazy [ __ ] sometimes on stage. like you ever get worried about being. canceled I'm like no right because I got. my kids man and if you find you take my.

comedy career away I mean I'll just go. be a physical therapist I have a license. like I don't I love doing comedy I love. this I want this to be my life um yeah. but why not stretch a guy's leg out. somewhere you know what I mean I might. do both dude as a matter of fact when. the pandemic happened Governor Cuomo uh. of New York former Governor Cuomo of New. York he reins stated every Healthcare. professional's licensed at his laps as. long as it didn't as long as you didn't. lose your license because you like. killed somebody but mine had just lapsed. as a matter of fact you ready for this. in the state of New York. when I got my license uh reinstated in.

the state of New York I was told that I. was the only male physical therapist who. had had my license my physical therapy. license on on a five-year Hiatus because. that's only designed for pregnant women. for women who had had children and want. to step away and raise their kids and. then come back I was the only male on. that so there was all these people that. I was in the pregnancy base I was. basically the pregnancy you know part of. the you know portion of the license I I. my license was treated like as if I was. a pregnant woman that had bore children.

so I so I got my license reinstated like. that like overnight in an email I got my. full license so I could legally I could. legally practice I don't remember [ __ ]. because I'm urban planner dude and my. degree was in urban planning and uh. what would you do if you could Urban you. know if you were going to plan something. out in the urban community what would. you do you plan like a comedy night you. do neighborhood you do. shrubber you do like if a postman's.

coming into the neighborhood you tell. them where to go first how to do the. best routes you do uh zoning yeah you. know but urban planning man I don't. think I'm that's not up I don't think. that's what I'm gonna do wait how long. are we going how long have we gone right. now. how long do you normally do I'll do. another 10 or 15 minutes yeah you want. to bring Diamond but yeah come on Dom. you want to come on in man Don depetter. coming in. come join us coming in in the Batters. box baby yes sir. come on down to Penna.

all right here let's get your camera set. you keyed up here brother look at his. mustache ladies oh yeah it's beautiful. yeah thank you yeah he said he wouldn't. shave it man he was going to shave it. and then he said he wouldn't do it oh. really yeah he's not gonna do it I had a. goatee and sideburns and then I shaved. it it was not a good look so I was like. let's trim it down yeah going with. different body hair is a unique thing. you know there's only the thing I don't. love about body hair there's only so. many places you can grow it yeah like I. I don't even like my pubic hair like.

it's not like a bush it's stringy right. like it's like my pews almost look like. you like your hair like like long mullet. like but then I'll have bushy hair like. on the back of my neck and stuff. Don told me at the Atlanta punchline you. forgot your pants once no I was in. Huntsville Huntsville you forgot your. pants yeah this was a while ago yeah you. have to give you his pants no no the. opener yeah he was living in a van. remember that guy yeah dude I saw that. guy not long ago he lived in Nashville I. think yeah I saw him performing I think. it was in Nashville I saw him at a.

comedy show nice guy I think he quit. living in the van but that guy lived in. a van he wore his pants on stage I. didn't have a choice brother man's pants. how did you forget your pants and I hit. him hard too I think that's uh we were I. was hoping for funny Mane no you yeah I. mean he he did like a one night thing. and they bumped us uh so I open you. featured and then funny man closed and. yeah uh he shouldn't have followed you I. think it was different times yeah I. didn't really have a following then I. was just starting to catch some maybe a.

little bit of opportunity you took off. right after that yeah I got to tell you. by the way you look really tan on that. screen in there dude you look so good I. was working out of the um on a gym on a. rooftop yesterday nice yeah. like a full gym on a rooftop like they. opened up a gym rooftop and you can be. up there and do weights and so I was up. there thank you though no so I think I. got a little bit of sun and I've been. trying to wash my skin nice guys so in. your head looks and your hair look great. my hair looks yeah I just want you both.

to know you look terrific it's a little. swollen today not on camera I don't know. it has the opposite effect like you look. fat in real life but on camera yeah you. look like if you've discovered your. skeleton it would they'd be like oh this. is like you have a prehistoric look yeah. Neanderthal head yeah but you think. women like that though oh I think it. attracts them at a base level that. somebody like me or Dom can replicate. nice. um are you performing a lot down what's. going on yeah man. um yeah at the funny bumps and Side.

Splitters I got Side Splitters coming up. so I'm gonna go I'm gonna go be in that. in that thing with a tooth in the condo. would you stay in that condo uh Bobby. Jewel the man that right as he he sold. it so they have a new condo now thank. goodness yeah yeah yeah I thought it was. a legend down there oh Legend man I've. definitely. yeah yeah we've all been through I was. in Tampa last night man I went to a. place called The Tampa Pizza Company and. I got the fettuccine alfredo and it was. awesome oh and I burnt my mouth on it I.

still feel the effects of that right now. that's good yeah yeah but it was great. dude I did the Tampa Theater you ever do. the Tampa Theater gorgeous place man. haunted but it was gorgeous I'm at St. Petersburg I'm in St Petersburg in a. couple of weeks down there yeah St. Petersburg beautiful man and we're doing. one out of the Improv actually too it's. the best way to do it we got a night off. yeah so best way to do it man I'm gonna. sign with you I signed with your agent. oh yeah well it's a week yeah cause. imagine I didn't. in my current age she's like what yeah.

I might get nervous man no look I think. look good at least I'm just grateful. that we're able to go places and do. shows seriously that's been the tough. thing about living in Nashville is that. there's not a place to perform. but you can't do it it's not the same. it's not the same as having workout. rooms where you get the headliner club. like they're not right you can't just. pop in like you can at the comedy story. The Comedy seller well you can but it's. like it's like a lot of you know people. that go to a lot of shows so you're. seeing a lot of the same people yeah.

which is fine it's great it's just not. it's not where I can go and do three. sets like la like this week. um I probably did uh or last week I. probably did like. 12 sets you know in in L.A yeah which. for me it's like that's like a time. where I can learn like I feel like by. the 11th show it's like I'm cooking with. guests like I'm not I have no fear that. anybody in the joint is gonna are you. back here now do any better than me.

um no no but I'm gonna be have to spend. more time here because I gotta do more. practicing good right but your permanent. residence is not here my partner. residence is not here no it's in. Nashville I'm a legal resident of. Tennessee wow so you don't so you so you. Tennessee doesn't have income tax either. right there's no State no state tax yeah. right oh so you're good man well one of. the blessings too is just that if you go. touring out of there they have all the. tour buses and stuff so that's really. nice just to be able to like yeah go do. a string based out of there it's like. yeah you can't find a wife in Nashville.

man I probably can't there's some good. there's some nice women there dude I. think so find your girl with a piece of. camo what about Puerto Ricans. are good wives dude and good Mothers no. oh I would like something from another. country yeah what about Nicaraguan go. back to your roots I wouldn't but I. gotta get down there that's the thing. it's like do I you got to get down there. you got a plan hey you got to be there. for a couple weeks you can't stop you. know you can't for you know hurry in a. week. but I wouldn't mind I'm open to it I'm. gonna start asking God hey God I am.

willing to meet someone are you dating. mostly white women I'm dating women that. are. some of them a good amount of them are. white women right but I am not a. sentenced to that I'm okay to any type. of woman mm-hmm. right and a bodied woman I have dm'd. with women that are all types of women. you got to find a woman that doesn't. know you nobody that's harder and harder. though man maybe yeah China or go to.

China or uh mercenary what is it called. The Merc the oh Mennonite Mennonite. amateur Mennonite yeah because they. can't have so they can't have. Electronics uh or Hasidic Jewish woman. that'd be a nice call for you too man. Jewish baby yeah we'll see I mean I'm. hoping I'm open to anything so you got a. lady right now uh no no no uh recently. no but it's good dude you're gonna find. love though you got a good heart yeah. I've always been inside about both of. you thank you very genuine I'm not being.

well he's already got love this guy's. doing fine this guy yeah I got a lot of. cholesterol man yeah in my heart I. definitely am gonna go home and probably. have more popcorn like I usually do and. popcorn's not terrible for you though. man it's not terrible but it's not a. family you know right it's not a right. you know right I get it. it's just like I'm just getting to the. point where it's like okay I'm feeling. like this is a possibility well what are. you are you 40 yet I'm 40 yeah yeah so. if you're 40 yeah that that's one that.

you know you're the male's biological. clock starts kicking in you know I think. you could do it man especially because. you look like um you look like Matt. Damon from the last duel. yeah a lot of people have been tagging. yeah so so I think like he had a wife. you know and it didn't work out really. she came with land though she came with. land yeah one of them acre babes homie. yeah. I like it man you look it's like an. Andre Agassi look yeah when the 90s when. he was winning though you know what I. mean dude you're gonna find love thanks.

100 yeah I think you will but here's the. thing that that had been an issue is. committing to the love when I get in. some love you just gotta can you accept. love. I don't know somebody. that sounded like a vote of unconfidence. nah dude I'm Whitney bro really yeah it. didn't sound like Celsius live fit. that Celsius live [ __ ] it did not sound. like you're into it yeah no dude I can't. believe in me it's just as deep dude.

yeah you know I Delta food did you yeah. oh if you eat high altitudes bro that's. all gas. yeah that's all gas yeah dude the fact. that they even feed people at that. altitude is insane it's insane there's. Japanese man it's Gotta it's like a. lithium battery yeah it's gonna explode. this thing is a game show yeah it's such. a [ __ ] game show man yeah man I think. I think love is um. I don't know how it's going to happen. for you or who it's going to happen with.

it might not not even be a female but. it's it's happening you know I want a. female you want that but that might not. be what the universe wants for you you. know what I mean I'm not living with. something. I'm not living with some sexual man dude. it's it's one of those things where like. I said man let's find you you don't find. love and if it's a man or an animal or. you know well I wouldn't mind getting a. pup or getting something like that to. start off the the commitment you know. and so that's what I'm thinking of but I. don't know what kind of animal I would.

get that I would then you know want to. saunter around with to have to take. around a lot because it's not all about. sex either that's the other oh yeah yeah. I'm willing to do sex but that's also. like yeah as you get older it's not it's. just like I want somebody awesome to be. around yeah it's weird how unimportant. that comes yeah you know it's yeah I. don't care about it as much I mean you. know because it's like it's kind of like. you've done it enough where it's like I. I you know when you masturbate it's like. that's the best you know that it is. because it's all you but so I don't need.

to have sex anymore and we burned it out. as a society we burned sex used to be. that it was like that secret thing and. how are they gonna do it and you gotta. sneak you gotta Somebody's gotta draw a. picture how you do it you know when. you're like you know you don't even know. what's going on somebody's behind you. pushing you into the woman like dude it. used to be totally different and now. it's just like everywhere people are. just ejaculate everywhere there's. advertisements to to to uh. get more ejaculate in your body it's. just like what's it's all it's just we.

burned it out man yeah in the Civil War. they used to have. um one of the generals General hooker. that's where the term hooker comes from. is he would have prostitutes follow him. and even more so everybody wanted to be. in his platoon and they would fight. harder for him because they had uh an. artist that they would protect at all. costs that would draw women that they. would meet on the road and that's was. like the point and they would jerk off. to that porn crazy beautiful and sex is. like isn't is is all in it's all.

intertwined like in history like the. French when in World War II when the. French were getting invaded by the. Germans the French they let them have. sex with women and prostitutes and a lot. of them are fighting with venereal. diseases where Hitler and the Germans. said you are not if you have if we catch. you having sex with a woman you're gonna. get shot on the spot so the Nazis didn't. have STDs that was one of their biggest. superpowers just meth where a lot yeah. they and they had Panzer Chuck a lot. which was crystal meth but that's what. it was called Panzer chocolate imagine. doing meth and not we don't have any sex. yeah dude it's crazy so but but but.

that's a big thing is is you know sex is. is intertwined with even our history but. if you remove it if you can remove the. urge for sex then you remove almost you. remove 99 of your problems right. truthfully you do you know it's all sex. everything we're doing subconsciously is. for sex yeah that's what it is it may. not you know sometimes it's right on the. open sometimes it's not but if you can. just say to my insta difficult it's. almost impossible to do but if you could. do it that's what monks do when they. meditate when they're sitting there.

meditating for 20 hours a day they're. not getting to a deeper place they're. basically just humming till they. ejaculate that's what it is they're just. basically not having sex and thinking. about sex to remove it that's what Unix. that's why eunuchs were so powerful. because you had them you know the the. thought was you got the aggression and. the brain of a man but you you weren't. you weren't distracted by sex that's why. they cut your nuts off they can think. clearly yeah that's what they're clear. that the eunuchs would run the ancient. priests like right after you come they.

would run that exactly they were there. forever the eunuch had forever just. ejaculated and we've gotten in that. place of society where sex isn't even. that big of a deal it's just like it. used to be that big of a deal you needed. 15 children you needed to land on I. don't need any of it anymore and also. sexting and porn like you can just you. can you can sex with the uh the opposite. sex and and fulfill your needs you don't. have to put the insert in them anymore. they don't have to jump on you you don't. have have to well that's one nice thing. about taking a break from dating it had. me a little bit of there was a little.

bit of a reset from like just that. the pattern it's nice of like one you. know like feeling like you have to did. you find did you find more discipline in. that or like more yourself like more. structured well yeah I found like there. was things that I like to do that I just. even forgotten about that's great right. you know yeah dude I mean if you can. just if you can if you we don't realize. how distracted we are today even you. know sometimes I'll be at home with my. children all day but I'll be on the. phone scrolling or saying I gotta work I. gotta think of it and I realize I.

haven't looked at my daughter's face in. 10 hours and it's like you know so now I. try to just put my phone away yeah if I. can you know unless there's a something. important but not just put it on now I'm. like I used to go for a long time and. say I hate talking on the phone just. text me but now it's the it's come full. circle for me now I'm like I'd rather. you call me too because then I can just. get off the phone with you and I don't. have to text and be because if I start. texting you and I get sucked in but if. I'm on the phone I I hang it up and I. put it down but if you're texting me I'm. texting you and then a double text I'm. looking at Instagram looking at the news. I'm looking at the same [ __ ] over.

and over and over again and Siri has a. lisp in her ears dude I I I've never met. an incapable woman as Siri or man you. know whatever I think if she's Persian I. don't even know what she is but I've. never met anybody that doesn't know what. the [ __ ] I'm talking about yeah like she. doesn't know at all she's Chinese but. when you do the voice she comes from. China well no when you do the voice. recognition thing when you voice to text. unbelievable yeah you want to delete. your own ass outside dude yeah man.

um great to have you guys thanks for. coming in. um what should where's the tour at man. tell me about it so baby listen February. 11th I'm at the Warner Theater in. Washington DC February 12th at the. Tabernacle in Atlanta and then we got. March 4th and 5th in Cleveland at the. Agora theater and Detroit at Royal Oak. uh uh and that is Mr Don depedo will be. there we got the Chrissy chaos podcast. Thursdays 11 and Easter time hey babe. what's on volcano um Chrissy chaos. Tuesdays 11 in Eastern Time hey babe.

Thursdays 11 A.M eastern time. christycomedy.com for all my tickets. we're on a theater tour going all the. way through the end of April and I. appreciate you having me man and I hope. that uh I hope that we find love dude. and if even if it's with this. transgender it doesn't have to be a a. biological woman is what I'm saying I. think if you do that then you're closing. yourself off and they don't have to be. vaccinated. I am not taking a lot I am hope I I. appreciate your hope for me and some of. it I don't okay. I would like a woman and I am open to. anybody the universe brings me I am open.

to love the universe gonna bring you a. woman just for a couple of weeks see. open it up to more than that see what. happens if I'm if I'm gay I would be. shocked if I am gay yeah yeah but if I. met a man one day and I was like Jesus. Christ I love this man. I don't know I ca I don't think I would. be gay for him but. you just can't get past some certain. things I get it no I want a wife is what. I'm saying yeah. so that's even as much as I can even. think about it I think I think I don't.

mind being around somebody driving. somewhere with a guy if we're going to a. like we're all going somewhere people. are going somewhere yes I'll ride with. this guy this is my friend I'll go swim. with him I'll talk to guys like this I. don't want anything really beyond that. in my life but if you could use guys to. help with women like I'm saying don't. just discount us like for example I've. said this many times I fall in love with. men I have sex with women right like. we've had a stimulating conversation oh. yeah I've fallen in love with you guys. but I'm going to want to go home and. have sex with a woman right so if that's.

gay that's gay you know what I mean I'm. not maybe you're brain gay but body. straight there you go. yeah I'm brain gay brain games maybe. I'll get the title this episode dude. brain games I love it Dom where are you. gonna be at uh we're coming up I got the. dates in March with him uh I'm gonna. beat Side Splitters in early June like. three through six and uh dude I'm just. in town working in town just you know so. that's it Where Are You Gonna Be Where. am I gonna be let me see I am.

at um. you gotta be some well you're gonna be. in. um it's I'm in Jacksonville. on February 2nd I'm at St Petersburg on. February 3rd. um. on February 4th I'm in Tampa. our same yeah St Petersburg uh and. Orlando February 5th nice then I'm in. Rockford Illinois February 25th in. Chicago Illinois February 26th it's.

going to be good dude yeah and uh the. realtor in Los Angeles May 7th some fun. date so. um. yeah grateful grateful you guys came in. man thanks for coming and spending time. today man I love it dude yeah I'm. excited about y'all getting out there. and making people laugh man y'all bring. me a lot of Joy so thanks man thank you. brother thank you. [Music].

[Music]. [Music]. a little time. for me to sell that parking break and. let myself online. [Music].

[Music]. [Music]. and now I've been moving way too fast on. the runaway train with a heavy load of. my pass.

in these. will have been riding on they want some. things that damn they're gone I guess. now they just.