Chris D'Elia 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #204

welcome to some sheer joy today's. episode is brought to you by gray block. pizza gray block pizza 18:11 Pico. Boulevard in Los Angeles gray block get. that hitter some people say he's an. archrival animus sis or a nemesis they. say some people say that he is a myth. but do myths show up in the form of man. I don't know I don't even know what I'm.

talking about but I'll say this for 150. percent that we have a young man and. today fresh off this documentary about. his shoulders is popping off you know we. have a cult leader we have a film. television Instagram vine star phenom. this guy is the I mean he's the Will.

Smith of vine this guy is a haberdasher. with his new babies line this guy is the. new Warren Jeffs to a lot of people he's. a comedian he's a podcaster I'm getting. tired of introducing him ladies and. gentlemen but from the congratulations. pod which I recommend you listen to if.

you want to get really Dan Ted mr. Chris. D'Elia. [Music]. figure there than you are in America I. think I might be an Australian comedian. like oh yeah are you uh what's his name.

arch barker i know i have arch barker. sounds also like someone vomited i feel. like that the name. yeah just saying arch barker one time I. was in Montreal and I was like coming up. and I felt like all people were starting. in on my name and Archie Barker came. down to the lobby and he was like are. you my driver no yeah and I was like. okay alright okay okay I'm one new faces. yeah I was like no this wasn't even this. was after that I have like a [ __ ] I. was like nom I'm a comedian and I.

laughed and he was like oh [ __ ] okay and. then and then the next you like two. years later I saw arch barker he was at. Starbucks and he saw me he was like hey. hey Chris and I was like redemption got. a drive yeah sorry I'm parallel parked. out front. dude you look big you look older you. look I know I'm different I feel like. are you doing anything different yeah. so are you doing I kind of do take care.

of yourself do you well I work out a lot. he do yeah. and because like I get I get bored on. the road but then also I just was like I. want to do action movies yeah like like. so like I'm like if I gonna do that I. have to actually do actual work you have. to look the part. ya know so I start working on really. [ __ ] hard are you doing unique types. of training because you seem like. somebody that doesn't do I see you in. some of your videos I see you you know I. know that they have the shoulder.

documentary thing that people were you. know that they're missing and stuff and. I know the shoulders are outside right. now. no the the doctor the guy the crew like. oh they are I try to speed away with. their [ __ ] good drivers yeah yeah oh. it's crazy I am. well trapper ROTC - they're trying to. get pictures of people's track right and. but are you doing any like a unique. training I see you doing like American. into worse stuff when I think of you and. you're jealous a little something. jealous thoughts however if you swing in. also different the thoughts of me the. jealous thoughts of me are all about me. being active I like it out a lot yeah.

now they are since you told me you. wanted to be. here right so so you have those jealous. thoughts for about 35 seconds yeah no. proviso okay yeah I don't know man like. I get like the this first of all like. this the movies that I am being. considered for are like movies TV are. like all like comedy silly you know I. mean they're a young dad or or I'm like. I've just done they're there they're.

only gonna offer you stuff that you've. kind of already done right because they. can see you doing oh I'm saying is that. nearsighted by the industry well it's. just safe you know and and I don't blame. them because they know they know you. know take take an action movie star. you're gonna get offered action movie. stuff right now they're not gonna. they're not gonna you know it might be a. little bit out of the box be like well. can he do a romantic comedy I don't know. let's see him do let's see him act let's. see him audition or whatever like will. people believe it yeah exactly but first.

so for me like that but I don't wanna do. this like if I'm gonna do a comedy the. best comedy for us that we're gonna do. is our stand-up right because it's more. exact what we're gonna do right you know. yeah it is interesting you start. thinking sometimes I walk I gotta fit in. in this role as a as a in a sketch or in. a series like oh I'm already doing my. whole series I know in a show and you're. me and you're also you're also if you're. gonna do a movie or a TV show you're. gonna take a pay cut because you make. more money doing stand-up so if I'm. gonna take a pay cut I want to do some. [ __ ] I want to do and to me it will be.

awesome to do action or something. hilarious like that I could see you. doing in like a Deadpool but sort of. like in uh maybe like right outside like. I don't want to say Oklahoma City but. maybe like Missouri I could do a that. like Deadpool Kansas City Kansas City. like how they do the CSI in all the. different areas but they do one for they. do the Deadpool Deadpool Kansas City. yeah I think I mean I don't know I could. see you I was going are you really. unique villain and like a but like a. dark city like a Gotham yeah I. definitely have the eyebrows for that.

yeah but also I'm going I think I think. what you're saying I look difficut I get. I get a little I got a little gray in. the last year oh is that what it is I. think so do see older or more confident. maybe to me you've always seemed. competent though so you couldn't seem. more confident than you have you ever. grow this out because you probably have. some Grey. yeah yeah it's very scary I have great. chest hair too oh wow. and someday they're all at the other day. on a video and it was like 70 people. said summit yeah first it hurt my. feelings didn't reminding me of my. grandfather well and that's kind of.

bittersweet but also to have 70 people. talking about you're [ __ ] great Jess. here that means you made it yeah if you. have 70 people talking about your great. chest hair you made it yeah yeah well. you were the same age you know you are a. couple months younger than me I'm 39 but. that's we would say same age yeah in. life you wouldn't be like no I'm a few. months older than you because that would. be so weird yeah. like we're both 39 you wouldn't be like. no we're not the same age my birthday's. first yeah well telling old you really. are a couple days earlier yeah oh that's.

I guess if somebody told me by the way. we lie you're 45 I'd be like that makes. a lot you know like your family. surprised you dinner you could be 50 you. could be 50 no no what do you think I. realize what your real age bro come on. like I'm not talking about I know you're. really just really nice for me I think. I'm running under I think I'm running in. your brain or your body though oh oh I. don't know maybe you're brainy that's.

what I'm saying if somebody told me by. the way you're 43 I'd be like you know. what would be like you know that meme. that we BAE meme in the wire or is like. oh yeah that's what I would do oh that's. the [ __ ] dude it my dad was like we. lied to you you were born in 1976 hope. you like I would be like okay ah now it. makes sense. I'm glad you I'm glad you lied I would. actually be happy that my parents lied. would you be upset at them or no really. though if they're like cry 3 they had a. good reason if they were like yo the.

reason is because we didn't want you to. feel like if in case we wanted you to. feel like everything you got in life you. got it you got it you know not too old. I'm saying because like I'm right now. I'm 39 and I feel very accomplished for. a 39 year old right but for a 45 year. old I feel accomplished but not very. accomplished what is the next what's. that next level we think owning a tank. nah well I'll tell you what dude. if I had I could see you getting.

attacked if I had like. I mean it's because here's the thing. though first of all you can't get a tank. in LA right so you so you're not only do. you need the money for the tank you need. the money for a [ __ ] to transport the. tanker to wherever how okay you have to. get the sack you have to get an. airlifted in I would say I would keep. you know you could probably keep it you. could probably keep it somewhere [ __ ]. shitty like Albuquerque you could. probably keep it an album yeah maybe. actually probably love it if I kept the. tank there do you note I'm saying yeah. you'd have to yeah they'd be like Oh. Chris Lee keep the tank yeah yeah you. know Albuquerque the algorithm would. literally be like you know Albuquerque.

is great because we have you know. whatever the crops they have and then. also Cristal he keeps his tank here yeah. spices they have spices I think yeah. they probably do cuz it's close unique. peppers. oh I remember on the news that lady got. mad at you on the news and not yeah yep. yep and you made the news bro did that. blow your mind so yeah that was like one. of the [ __ ] like a like you know what. is cool about like a career is like all. the stuff that you do like in the career. like you're like okay I want to do. stand-up special and that's all the best.

[ __ ] I want to be on a TV show I want to. [ __ ] you know and I did all that I. did you know undateable I did Whitney I. did the specials come out every few. years and it's like you did the roast. chill I remember you know things like. that you're like you know what these are. the goals these are the things that I. want to do yeah and not that they're. expected but you expect them to happen. if you work very hard right like the. things like that though or like the. things that come up like you know the. the M&M thing you know like like that. [ __ ] and the Albuquerque news that [ __ ].

is the [ __ ] that's like wow really. really special and really funny because. you don't expect it to happen but it's. like the perks yeah yeah they got. [ __ ] they blasted me and then I. talked about it again and then I made. another segment they did yeah they did. it twice and did they because it seemed. like some people came to your defense. but did they did you guys reconcile it. at a certain point or no no so you would. say you have active beef yeah I will I. have active beef with Albuquerque and. I'll tell you what I'll never squash. that oh I'll never squash that beef.

until I'm 30 until I'm 46 in a year 39. let's not actually make the blacks you. thinking cuz they just tuned in that I. am. 46 no but uh yeah and I actually may be. spending a [ __ ] quite some time in. Albuquerque soon yeah because I might. not be serious yeah I might be actually. shooting a movie in my in Albuquerque in. is it somebody now this is a rumor that. I was heard is that it's Breaking Bad. the movie good no they are serious about. the movie but not that it's not that no. I'm not gonna be a nice guy to be in. that do you are you illegitimate we can.

trust or not trust you can promise if I. tell you what I would I have never I. have never my track record is I have. never lied about Breaking Bad so far. well and I'll keep that up okay yeah. yeah yeah it's not you guys have a. [ __ ] plan here by the way there's no. Larry this is rock bottom now but it's. cool because I think I did one of the. first episodes of your old yeah do and. this is the first one is the first one. of you new one yeah it's crazy man yes. and we're out here you're gonna do like.

a wall we're gonna do you know the guy. who did the cartoons of all the. different podcast people we're thinking. about getting that all around the Wallen. oh really yeah. Oh in there yeah that'd be awesome but. nobody would see that right right it. would just be for when people came in. we're gonna get like a party table maybe. in there and cool like some places where. it's crazy though this is now [ __ ]. also so far for me like you guys only. have like get a place in the [ __ ]. place yeah I mean oh yeah we're in the. thick of it but you're not you're in the. thick of it when would you stand up and. all that [ __ ] you're in the Comedy Store.

and then you're [ __ ] freeze first. [ __ ] was in Marina del Rey or wherever. the [ __ ] it was and then the next [ __ ]. is all the way over [ __ ] here and. even know where we are yeah. near here I know that Encino there's a. golf course near here yeah I don't want. to say the exact location you know and. they caught a serial killer not far from. here - and Pauly Shore did a movie here. that's right he did you know. no but the Encino is actually this isn't. see no the is this actually the movie. this really was this where was this. where they shot it yeah Wow.

pretty cool nice you know man um Wow. yeah dude and also you get to also work. on the mic because Jionni Paulo our. former guest from last week is here and. so he's now back on the Instagram I said. oh you guys got John and Paula. well you had to laugh Johnny you're. still working here so yeah oh wow you. guys you guys got good shoes too though. the two of you but what's up you always. wear you've been wearing those shoes. they do yeah but you can't wear a Swiss. yeah you've been where I don't do a lot.

of fancy footwear yeah but that's where. you could really spice it up but you. spice it up in other ways you like you. got to Houston Jersey on yeah and a. goatee somebody made me this Rat King. oh wow that's really cool [ __ ]. awesome. yeah yeah some can't really where's. crazy shoes are given and I do the go-to. would you ever do goatee no never in my. oh I would never do a come on Dean you. know that so don't even [ __ ] if I asked. me that question yeah you know you know. what you know what that question if I. was in the different mood could start a. [ __ ] war. ya know but it's not because you know we. love each other but like that I would. never have a goatee and you know it I. would look whole I would look horrible.

in a go - no you wouldn't. I would and that's what I used to think. and yeah I'm not it fits you well you. got a [ __ ] mullet - oh yeah it's like. that long hair mean your hair is almost. a molar if you cut the side you. literally is a little bit of this you. know huh cut the sides but here's you. could do I almost see you they being one. of those guys who does very your your. sideburns are half inch away from doing. magic you know that yeah hey you know. tell me anything I don't know as a. matter of fact I tell you dude I try to.

shorten it up and I got the [ __ ]. thing and I try to make it shorter and. shorter and I just I always think I. always think when I do it I did it. [ __ ] two days ago I think I there we. go it's shorter and then out in the day. I'm like driving I see myself in the. thing I'm like it still looks like a. [ __ ] goddamn you know almost a. magician I don't like that yeah but I'll. never you know it's just you just gotta. shake hands with who you are sometimes. yeah yeah. and I'm almost a magician what are some. things about you if you had to change. something honestly had to change.

something about crystal you're like oh. this has to go count our calf power I. would have calf power yeah yeah yeah no. I have no calf our oh my god no half. power and knee you don't have any no. dude if I even look up for a high book. on a shelf a [ __ ] you're sorry right. you got to get a water dude dude I have. no calf power and I love working out and. when it comes to calf I just I guess I. just go you know what [ __ ] I guess. forget it do it you just leave at the. end though yeah I don't I don't I save. them for the end and then. don't do that yeah yeah yeah and the. workout early dude my mom my mom would. always be like when I was a kid she.

would this is the same she kind of [ __ ]. she would be like what kind of homework. do you have and I would be like oh I got. English I got math I got [ __ ] social. studies I got this and she'd be like. okay cool and then like three and then. like five o'clock would roll around like. you should get started on your homework. I'd be like you know what I [ __ ]. talked to Mike the math thing isn't due. until [ __ ] Tuesday so I don't have to. do that tonight and then turns out. social studies was a lot less than I. thought it was and she'd be like oh. really. and be like yeah okay and then nine. o'clock and she be like dude you your. homework I'd be like no but it's. actually okay and she'd be like what and. I just would never do my that's what. that's what calf exercises is like I.

would never do dude I [ __ ] wish I'll. tell you what man [ __ ] dude I'll tell. you what I wish you know how they always. say like kids do your homework stay in. school I wish I didn't do more homework. I wish I did less homework really yeah. dude we do dick jokes yeah oh yeah I. don't know about walking imaginary. numbers I don't have to do any of that. work but I when I did math okay when I. was in math and I was not doing well in.

math where did you sit in the classroom. oh the back until they made me setting. them and made me sit in the fall they. were like yeah it was always exactly. through like you thought the back was. the worst until you got to the front it. was like they lapped you with the front. yeah you could see it in the front end. like oh the back is this yeah and. they're like nah I'll get back in the. front like these [ __ ] I'm. lapping these people that's how about I. am so it then didn't all your friends in. the back look so dumb then once you got. to the front oh they did and yeah and.

they you were even dumber but they could. only see your back. they can see your face yeah so I so I. would do math and then and then I got. like to a mat like we got two imaginary. numbers and I was like if you're just. gonna make this [ __ ] up and now on I'll. fail [ __ ] you know what I mean. like [ __ ] go [ __ ] you where's the. camera go [ __ ] yourself with your. imaginary numbers yeah and that's common. core man when I was growing up they had.

yeah it got all kind of crazy carry the. one I'm like all this [ __ ] it sounds. like a fire hazard like things got real. vague and things were it sounded like. somebody's getting abduct. remember that mm-hm carry the one I'm. like I'm out of here yeah I'm not into. that. yeah I'm liking I go I go did you I go. single digits and if you want I could go. a little bit of double digits and then. that's it yeah you get into hundreds and. carry and [ __ ] and ex exponents right. [ __ ] out of here how am I here what. about a scientist yeah yeah what am i. [ __ ] burn victim do you think I want.

to know how all these chemicals well I'm. just like dude you want me to do this oh. I'm like Chernobyl exploded anyway and I. don't have anything like you got guys. who do that [ __ ] me if [ __ ] out of here. that's true what are we gonna do with. that information man do you remember. learning about how like a neighborhood. worked remember that where the postman. should go in the neighborhood it was. effective so we yeah so we never learned. that my town we never learned that and I. don't think that that's a class but you. you may be may you maybe learn that that. would be amazing if there was a class on.

how a neighborhood work you know what. dude there should be a [ __ ] class on. how because there's the thing there. should be these are the G should be the. classes okay for real okay I'll get out. English a little bit up to like fourth. grade yeah and then high school knowing. you don't need a English in high school. you don't need English in high school. yeah if you're here's the thing if. you're don't know English how you even. get these you're in eighth grade and you. don't know how to talk you have to you. have to join the army basically right. cuz like you know and your front line. you understand you're not the guy in the.

back how the way army that's how classy. it's obviously yeah you're dumb as [ __ ]. you're in the front you know they're all. the laughter [ __ ] they impose. oh yeah yeah yeah yeah you're the guy to. catch bullets with your heart yeah. exactly or a head a head or heart Johnny. caught it in the shoulder not good. enough not good enough so okay so that's. two of the classes is that English is. out right social studies by the way. that's what we learned about the knee. right what is it. yeah but but it's not though do you.

understand it statues all right right. right right so this is what you should. be actually for real how a city or. neighborhood works okay okay that should. be class and we call that what just. basically Street beats all right I like. that it's a good class name also if the. class names were hip yeah. if the classes were hit like that I. would be in it man yes sir I take Street. beats doing Street beats a PAP Street B.

hey Larry got a tattoo now why did Larry. get a tattoo right yeah so today we're. learning class why Larry got a tattoo. and I'm in the I'm in the front right is. it because his name is a Larry all guys. named Larry have a tattoo if you ever. met a guy who's named Larry and doesn't. have a tattoo and he's not in the Three. Stooges you have a medal Larry I'll tell. you that much so um so so you got Street. in those three beats swimming huh. mm depends really not not in Indiana Rio.

but in LA yes in the west coast East. Coast you know being a beach guy yeah um. maybe like up near you know some some. [ __ ] city west of Portland you might. learn that body style or like yeah you. learn you know what you you know it's a. good what a good class would be like to. learn who an alpha is like you have to. understand who that alphas are and we. call the class Peck the pecking order. okay yeah an order like you don't you.

know they go okay yeah I would who you. who do you have for P uh yeah yeah and. it would be like this real [ __ ] either. you would have teachers that were like. real alpha or these real beta. [ __ ] that were like look I. understand who I am and it's okay if. this is who you are but you need to know. who you are and if an alpha walks in the. room you kind of look at them like you. know I mean yeah that's water the plants. oh yeah yeah yeah you look at you offer. him a lollipop or whatever the [ __ ] it. is like who you know you understand you. know now class right back in order. it would be like Greg stand up show us. how you look at an alpha and if you like.

because I'm a beta yes and then Greg. goes like this and you're like a plus oh. yeah yeah yeah yeah just keep hanging. the Christmas ornaments Greg right over. there another mistletoe he'll be over. there under the mistletoe a hundred. percent yeah yeah I think how to behave. at functions is another one good one. function behavior that could probably be. in pee oh yeah it could be BNP oh yeah. it could be like a cos alpha here yeah. cos alphas behave differently than betas. and oh it's different you know alphas. will leave the place early kind of to go. do something better than the other play. and we think and get there later though.

the officer on the in places for like 25. minutes yeah so they barely even stroke. they get their lady and they left early. yeah would you say you're an alpha me. yeah no I think I'm more uh more of a. beta really I'm like one of this Chinese. fighting fish I think what are those. betas yeah but I think they have their. own alpha beta [ __ ] going on well I mean. yeah they're suicidal some of them you. know but they only think they're killing. them so I don't think it's a mirror in. the kiln themselves that's why they do. that. that's so [ __ ] interesting you know. what you came to a dinner once and you. came late and left early remember that. didn't really I did know you might be an.

alpha yeah because you guys first of all. was a dinner in the dark oh well that's. what a [ __ ] that's what a nice place. oh you don't go to a [ __ ] bright. place for dinner do it what are you. [ __ ] you know you made some money you. gotta go for him dim the lights. yeah I want to see what nah dude that's. right you're poor in your heart you're. poor in your heart you got let that go. it's true man you are poor in your heart. you're not really okay but but that's. okay that's why people like you bro. that's one of the reasons why people.

like you I like you is one reason why I. like you yeah yeah who are very. different but we also like we vibe off. each other and I'll tell you two what. was I gonna say um oh yeah you thought. you'd be all alpha by coming late and. leaving early yeah I paid for your meal. your meal so you're not gonna out alpha. me bro yeah I was like what am I gonna. do and I took what we should have. learned in school and I was like it was. like that meme with the [ __ ] who's. the guy yes that guy Phonak is doing all. the math and I was like pay for it bye.

bye I got it I'll pay for and they all. went oh they did the wee babies that's a. pecking order yeah dude or you start to. live through memes you think I don't. know I did two memes Oaks and I think. that's probably yeah that's probably it. for the day probably yeah. I thought about that when I said I was. like huh too many memes jobs but what um. is what it is how was you know they. recently this guy is on trial for that. nexium cult and so I wanna see do you. see that kind of stuff in fear where the. babies and you guys could all end up so.

what what's he in trouble for I haven't. heard about this he's in trouble I think. for sex trafficking and also also. produce crossing state lines they did. some other things a yeah they're getting. them for everything I mean once you go. down for sex trafficking they throw in. this [ __ ] you know they throw the. sink out with the strawberry note. - yeah so I worry about things devolving. there no the only are worried about is. uh you know the the people taking it for. what it's not for making it different.

than what it actually is we live the. hedonistic lifestyle it's about [ __ ]. and sucking yeah we hang out - oh yeah. but nobody [ __ ] it sucks if you don't. want to you know I mean alright it's a. yeah yeah it's a mutual thing there's. some people surprised you know know it. you know okay cuz I saw yeah I saw a. good bit of dent merch at uh at a lot of. my shows people where to flirt with me. but yeah but to see that's to see it's. all love yeah that's the thing it's all.

love right but when you got people like. people comment on my [ __ ] [ __ ] you. you're not funny at like Theo von they. don't get it you don't understand bro. this is all love yeah you know what I'm. saying yeah it's fun it's like yeah it's. like Game of Thrones a hundred percent. yeah yeah it's like you're gonna tell. you what it's not it's not Game of. Thrones yeah yeah I'm gonna season three. - don't give me this Boy month season. five oh yeah oh god how are we not doing. a recap show I don't know you know how.

are we not doing a [ __ ] recap yeah hi. girlies oh yeah well that's all they. talk about really oh they're running out. of things to talk about did you know. once they once Bobby couldn't get. erections anymore they've totally drunk. with some things to talk about over. there yeah they've almost got that uh. Philippine okay they've almost got him. he's almost full time now well imagine. Bobby imagine Bobby for real like. someone was like I'm gonna kill your. family if you don't if you don't. actually do an a real style performance.

singing and actually try and take it. seriously yeah you hope I'm I would die. yeah yeah because there's no way in hell. there's no way in hell Bobby could get. out in into a like a 2,000 seater and. perform for real like Frank Sinatra. songs without thinking about maybe being. funny and then pushing it a little bit. and then they would just literally slice. his fellow heads all off like Oh bro and. I'll tell you what you couldn't either. you don't think I don't think I think. you could take it seriously goddamn.

that's even funny it's a good. even imagine you imagine you singing in. front of 2,000 people killing it yeah I. think honestly you could do it but it. would be so bad it'd be so bad and. here's the part though it would start to. be so bad and you would know it's bad. you would want to start to vibe on how. bad it is and you couldn't yeah yeah a. comma cannot say yes the comic yeah but. Bobby not a chance no no Bobby would not. immediately Bobby would be like I would. be like yeah what's a song like if I.

could turn back the hands of time pokey. like he would do that and then they'd be. like bang bang bang bang bang his whole. lineage yeah he couldn't do it I thought. about done away over here I did I know I. know I did I was like I bet Bobby. couldn't do that. Jesus man hey have you ever have you. seen any of your babies get out of line. and you had to [ __ ] get them put them. back in the crib well yeah but I don't I. don't put them back I don't I don't I. don't call them out because I feel like.

maybe they're gonna be crazy I went once. they once they you want to get lost you. want to get lost. bro in your head you're lost yeah I'm. not the guy yeah what am i I'm a. gatherer yeah no not real not a step. daddy mm-hmm you know so do you see. though that a lot that some of them are. you worried some of them might do crime. some of them doing right Jesus bro let. me let me ask a question. Wow you see this know what's just know. what's this a guy in a baby shirt was. caught on camera.

he took a package off someone's holy. [Laughter]. where I gotta had no idea these guys are. both big fans eaters way bigger fans in. their mind they've never bring up. shopping very fast. I saw this on Twitter and I can we see. more about this one boo God it says does. anybody know these men they stole two. packages from my neighbor and it's a. screenshot of a security cam oh dude. clear as day you can see baby this is.

hilarious and oddly the what colors just. like yeah that's Nick which is very. interesting you didn't know this though. yeah this is oh yes turn it down one. man that's funny as [ __ ] well you had no. idea so this guy did some crime and he's. a babies. he's a hazing so that's the thing like I. don't want him doing that what but I. can't the number one reply was a quote. from you it said people in this cult.

have literally killed people I'm just. gonna say that to you and that's not. doesn't say to you like you think like. take about you did the last show in. Brisbane 3,000 people yeah you think. none of those guys you think none of. those guys killed anybody. that's just too many people yeah in. Australia maybe in Australia they didn't. if you did it show 2,000 people in. America [ __ ] seven people have killed. people. yeah what I'm saying oh yeah I remember. when I was exact we don't do background. checks yeah it's not in my call it's. yeah I remember when I was young and.

they had class and they said that um you. are walked into class statistics the guy. said there was seven hundred people in. class he said statistically speaking to. you guys will be registered sex. offenders was like one of the first. thing Jesus where did you go to school. Louisiana State yeah Louisiana that's. the man I remember that's when I stood. up and yelled not it that's what I. remember I yelled rushed bro do I do. that yeah wow dude Wow um and wait was. that freshman year yeah that's for.

senior Wow so that was your whole. [ __ ] you were the funny guy. immediately then yeah there was nobody. [ __ ] that guy either man wow that got. jerked himself off often though at the. house do you masturbate at your age or. did you do it more when you were younger. what is that what's that journey been. like for you um I don't know I don't. really I don't really do it too much I. do it more on the road yeah you know but. are you are you what what what I feel. like I know what dude you jerk off a lot. when you were younger. oh yeah yeah the 20 that in over in.

Santa Monica yeah I've come in that area. brother not proud of it yeah get away. from me but there's a porn place right. across the hall now so feos gonna what. do you mean though it's there like an. agency oh wow Wow right across the. session you want em presentative no huh. um so wait well I was gonna say hold on. there was a thing about about about. jerking off yeah I'm try not to jerk off. anymore now cool yeah well yeah Europe. wanna know. guy that would be like you know what I'm. gonna try to not jerk off why why cuz he.

just makes me feel weak or makes me feel. sad if I drag off why I don't know why. it's a good question but it makes me a. lot of people feel that way really. immediately it makes me feel that by it. makes me feel ashamed of myself so weird. to me yeah I mean you know understand. yeah yeah yeah that's bad thing but ya. know I don't think y'all think you're. just discussing about yeah man I just. feel if I jerk off to Mike [ __ ] man you. know why such a [ __ ] loser I don't. know why that's but it's a real thing. but it's just like eating yeah.

it's not like eating it's like barfing I. feel like out of your Weiner yeah yeah. yeah so it's like yeah both of them but. like in a way it's like both of those I. get to barfing out of your wiener but. it's also you just do it I think if I. injected it back into my body you'd feel. a lot better yeah that's something about. like losing my esteem losing my manhood. losing my much cheese mo yeah that's. very a very ancient of you is it you. think you're a very ancient like you're. like you should be in like Grecian old.

like you know really you think I seem. ancient I would be on stage I think no I. think the when you come you feel ancient. is [ __ ] afterwards but I think that you. I think that you here's a deal you know. in like Greece like however many years. ago thousands of years ago or [ __ ]. however many years ago they would be. like we have to [ __ ] these boys to make. them men yeah yeah you know about that. yeah I've seen it. you seem like you have heard about it. yeah so if I was transported back into. that time and they said hey this is how.

we do it you have to do it I would be. like okay I'm not gonna do that and I. think it would be [ __ ] so many years. before I cracked I think for you will be. eight days really yeah you think I think. you like I don't know and they'd be like. this is what we do and you'd be like no. and a week would go by and you'd be like. I guess I gotta fit in oh and you eight. or nine days you'd be like if this is. how they do the manhood thing and what. I'll do after that you feel real bad but.

like in their coming weeks and months. and years what happens to me well you. probably I mean you know you know you. probably just become grecian and you're. [ __ ] that guy I don't do that hmm. yeah that makes me said yeah I would. hate that they don't hate to be [ __ ]. some guy from a long time ago yeah. yeah I would imagine that like it's hard. enough probably banging some guy you. don't even want to [ __ ] these days you. know but imagine a thousand years ago.

banging dude when people are like you. know people think it's magic people. don't know what it is yeah and I also. tell you that they were not clean oh. they were so dirty they were just. outside a lot more you know all the hair. on them yeah you know yeah don't make. that sound that's one of the worst. sounds you'll make yeah my freaking. grandfather he's always made yeah yeah. yeah yeah you think when you're old you. give a [ __ ] anymore you don't you're. [ __ ] nothing it cannot and nothing.

get you fired up anymore you think when. you're older uh I think yeah and I can't. wait for that really yeah yeah I it I. can't wait for that dude I already feel. like like like I don't want to do so. much [ __ ] like there's like three things. I like doing you know and and sometimes. jerking off and coming is one of them so. don't take that from me don't get it. yeah don't try to don't try to like be. like I feel bad yeah you're right I wish. I did it man I wish it was awesome like. I just got everything more like I'm. gonna [ __ ] jerk off real quicker than. they enjoy the rest of my experience.

today it's just not for me question do. you and I don't even really like talk. about this but do you do you take your. time doing it or do you just do it to. get it done hmm I usually I can get it. done in less than a minute I'll never. take more than two minutes but that. might be one of your problems you think. so. take yourself on under the date bro yeah. yeah you know like go out to dinner you. do something nice you know what I mean. go to like [ __ ] pizza Cucina or some. nice [ __ ] I don't even know if that's a. place but like that would sound like. that and go go to like a hardy said as. an upstairs yeah yeah yeah yeah 100% be.

like yeah we're they you're like are you. guys heating up there yeah and I'd be. like I'm on a nice date there I got once. you sit there you drink some wine or. don't forget or drink but like you get. some club soda. yeah and just [ __ ] you have a. conversation with yourself you know it's. like not out loud but in your head and. then you go home and you're [ __ ]. thinking like you know that was nice. yeah. and if there was somebody there you. would be like that was very nice wasn't. it they'd be like it was nice yeah have. a good time dude shake hands with who. the [ __ ] you are bro go home turn on.

some Netflix maybe watch [ __ ] always. be my baby. and then afterwards or in the middle you. know what I mean cuz you know when. you're watching the Netflix in the girl. is it or do you keep now you keep it. going oh no you don't though think about. it think about if you're with a chick. you don't pause it pause it Allah knows. yeah that's a boss move wow you're an. alpha mi you're watching a movie with a. chick you're watching you just go boom. yeah that's amazing bro I don't pause it. um you know why I'm too scared okay yeah.

bro you keep it going you go like well. [Music]. you gotta pause it man you way already. watched 11 [ __ ] 12 minutes I know. because you want to keep it what you see. that's actually a good move because then. it's like you're like I'm pausing this. because I want to kiss you but just so. you know I want to get back to this. movie our words are not that important. for me to miss this movie who knows but. you know what I've thought what I've. been working on a lot lately is a lot is. when I when I'm staring at somebody and. then they look at me you know the the.

instinct is to look away but that's a. [ __ ] move you gotta keep staring at. them if they're if you're staring at. them and they catch you you're like this. is what I was doing and I'm not stopping. because you chose to live your life well. that is something you got to do that. I've been working on that is very hard. for some reason is now yes because it's. extremely unnatural I know it's very. unnatural but I think that we can switch. that I think we changed up I think we. can change that I want this is because.

here's the thing I want my kids to. [ __ ] do that right so I have to work. on it for myself and this way when. they're growing up and they see me in. the front yard just looking at the. papers yeah I can't wait I actually. can't wait the neighbors out there. picking up [ __ ] look like a [ __ ]. serial killer what's the [ __ ] is wrong. with those kids and then I and then I. and then I call them and they go hello. and I say nothing click nothing's wrong.

with them there's how I designed my kids. bro if I could build kids that would be. amazing. build. my kids yeah you know how you can like. customize Nike if they had kid ID or. whatever the [ __ ] yeah I would do that. [ __ ] on a website click click I want his. arms a little shorter his legs a little. longer camouflage elbows what else would. you do yeah what I would make him look. you know what I would do I would make. him whatever it is I would make him look. real bad in like any kind of like. stupidest [ __ ] outfit I would make sure. he has the body only to wear normal.

[ __ ] clothes because I don't want him. getting [ __ ] artsy right I mean for I. don't want him being like like I saw a. guy the other day in a skirt but not. because he identified as a woman or was. gay just because he thought it was cool. my son's not doing that [ __ ] I said Jay. if you identify as girl fine that's fine. wear the skirt if you're gay wear the. skirt but don't be the guy that's like. this looks good on me and I [ __ ]. checks yeah no yeah Jane Smith dresses. like a Scottish man like yeah what. Scottish man yeah today's episode is. brought to you by Ridge wallet a lot of.

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classes for free go to Skillshare. dot-com / Theo von again go to. Skillshare dot-com / Theo von to get. your 2 months started now Skillshare com. / Theo von and thank you so much for. supporting this past weekend yeah I. could see also I could see would be cool. if your kids were immediately the same. height as you like once I hit like nine. years / 11 that would probably be an.

advanced package you'd have to buy yeah. can you imagine ooh some 11-year old. same height you know I would do weaker. neck and arms the [ __ ] calf power I'd. have my kid have a calf power because I. got a 20-person you know like yeah I'm. 20 yeah yeah [ __ ] man and look at the. calf's in that guy brown eyes not blue. eyes no way have you ever met a guy with. blue eyes or blue eyes no I don't have. blue eyes dude look at me I'm live feet. away from you you got like brown or. green eyes yes yeah I would never trust. a guy with blue eyes. just hand hands down you know it's just.

as America to have blue eyes as a guy. yeah yeah you don't think so also blonde. hair you're pushing it. yeah you don't have blond hair as a guy. a guy with blond hair no a guy was. blonde hair blue eyes no way yeah cuz. here's the thing you got to look good in. a [ __ ] black leather jacket as a dude. and then if you have blond hair you. don't you got to wear a brown leather. jacket ooh. violent legs and my mom wears but but. but it's okay to wear a brown leather. jacket sometimes if you're a blonde guy.

you gotta wear it all the time and. that's not okay I don't know yeah well I. do and that's how much I'm thinking. about this [ __ ] yeah that's crazy matter. so do you have do you do you where do. your I do you think ideas just come into. your head or where are they what are you. always just like thinking of something. yeah like you see something you like I'm. gonna think about this yeah I think. about it all the time I don't think. about the [ __ ] that matters yeah you. don't know I [ __ ] just worry about. the [ __ ] that matters yeah but you also.

have that [ __ ] thing where it's like. I wonder what Bobbie looked like we were. different lips like yeah think about. that yeah I just want I mean I think. about Bobbie a lot dude cuz I worry that. he's just not living up to his full. potential right so you think about that. which is very nice but also you might. think you know what it's like inside of. his girl no but your make up [ __ ] you. make don't you make up situations in. your head I do it all no you do this oh. yeah I think I used to be able to do it. more and I don't know what happening is. I got older I got more worried oh [ __ ] I.

mean that's what my podcast is is what. if this happened and then that happened. and if for some reason people listen to. it yeah you're good at that man you're. good at being like what. [Applause]. yeah and then like taking us in like an. alternate universe but it's good I think. it's what makes you a good actor it's. like you have an interest in taking. people into an alternate universe you. know it's nothing it's one of the thing. that maybe make you want to be a fighter. like a superhero or or uh you know in. that universe is because you want to be. in these alternate universes you want to.

be able to shoot a laser out of your. [ __ ] neck bone you know like you want. to be able to lift it up into a [ __ ]. galaxy ship you know yeah I think these. are things that you know that seem. realistic on you because you you you've. kind of fan it you you kind of live them. out of here every day even your some of. your old images I remember on your. website you're on a [ __ ] you're. shooting [ __ ] my water gun on top of. a [ __ ] to shoot whales back or. something like where is this. [ __ ] dude is he must be you know. by the airport or something you can't.

check yourself though you know that's. the thing like you and you're good at. that but you also do you check yourself. sometimes yeah I think I check myself. often yeah but you're you're you but you. also dump you but you also is what makes. you so [ __ ] funny it's like you have. your own language and [ __ ] like what we. actually kind of both have that like you. don't I mean like people do in your. terms and [ __ ] but like you uh you uh. you like your you have a style where. like you're so you and that's because. you let yourself be that way yeah that's. when you're best I think yeah I think. that's what most people thing about you. you know and then like you go off and.

you worry about stuff after that yeah. that's what I did. immediately when I get off yeah you. don't have to do the first I see if Neal. Brennan has any advice for me and then I. just go worry about myself and he does. and he does yeah he usually has a couple. of [ __ ] free inside what about this. so dude do you think that um do you find. I I find sometimes I have trouble. telling a story that I've told before. after a while on the road and making it. a genuine to myself interesting well. you're like a storyteller pretty much. right yes I think so yeah I mean I like.

tell us no yeah no I mean you're [ __ ]. that you did you should right you kind. of are though yeah kind of yeah kind of. um it's yes sometimes it's weird like. like I'll do a bit like five times. and it'll crush and then it'll drop off. that's like five times and then I'll get. it back for a while and then like after. like. seven months that I think that's what. you're talking about like I'll just be. like I'm just doing this I'm just saying.

yes that's what it used to be and I. can't find my way out of that it's like. every time I'm like okay I'm gonna make. it freshest I'm gonna make it new and. I'll try to but it just doesn't but a. newer bit always does better I know I. know I know and it's kind of sucks too. because like a bit is so much better. like you ever do like the other day I. did some [ __ ] that I've been doing then. I did a new bit and it worked and it was. good it wasn't amazing but it was good.

and then I went into my old [ __ ] like. that I again like from that I've been. working on and it was just like oh. that's how a bit works it was like boom. boom boom boom boom boom and I was like. [ __ ] I gotta get that new bit to that. right but the new bit is the [ __ ] the. the laughs that you're getting from the. new bit are this is the [ __ ] that where. they're like they they're laughing. because they feel you excited about it. you know yeah oh maybe that's what it is. and they they can understand you're. excite you so I always like think about. like like oh I laugh a lot on stage yeah.

people are like are you laughing is that. real and the truth is I'm laughing not. at what I'm saying I'm laughing at the. fact that I can't believe I get to do. this for a job right and it's so fun and. I'm like looking at you guys and like. you think this is funny like I'm already. there right now like I'm like this is. [ __ ] awesome and that's why I'm. laughing like I can't believe you let me.

do this as a job and these jokes that I. thought of a lot of them I thought of on. stage so I laughed when I was saying. them so I just keep that vibe you know. yeah it's not like I'm laughing I know. I've said this [ __ ] before you know. right but there's a genuine laugh you. know yeah it's fun to see it's fun and. know that people are gonna enjoy stuff. yeah yeah knowing that they're gonna. about to enjoy it or that they are. having a good time it's like yeah it's. fun yeah I feel like it's an audience. member like you see the spark and the. comedian and they're enjoying it yeah. that's my yeah and I think that's what.

really is like they're so like in touch. with this and then after a while like. obviously you're doing the same joke. it's like you're not as excited telling. the story so the crowd isn't excited. yeah I mean it's definitely like an. energy thing right yeah yeah it must be. and you must be yeah that's why some of. this not like I want to tell them the. story cuz they've never heard it but I. just it doesn't land as great as it once. did but you know what though sometimes. it does and you just don't think it does. you know like you ever have those sets. where you're like oh they didn't like me. and then they come out like if there's a.

meeting great and they're like dude does. the funniest thing I've ever seen. yeah you're like a Minnesota yeah yeah. you didn't seem like it yeah alright. yeah I guess that's true and I guess. maybe you hear the same if you hear a. song enough if you know the cadences of. their laughter a certain point you hear. so it's like hearing a song enough we're. like oh the song is still good but it's. not the same as this new song that I'm. right yeah when I tell these new jokes. and I get different I have song like. remember the time the first time you. heard [ __ ] ha n it's so hot in here. you were like oh what yeah that [ __ ].

Nelly song bang bang yes so good but now. you'd be like okay well maybe now you'd. be like oh I remember that but like. after like here's the thing good songs. like four years later you're like get. this [ __ ] off yeah but songs like eight. years later yeah you're like oh this. [ __ ] Rock yeah we did that you got to. get back to that point in your act you. know at least for me I think like I'll. do the song I'll do the joke it's. banging because it's a hit it's a new.

song that just came out and then it. drops off because it's like you're in. the three year thing where you're like. oh this is like an old song yeah and. then it's like when I was when I was. young when I was fifteen and sixteen I. started get embarrassed hanging out with. my dad because that's like the age you. get embarrassed oh yeah yeah yeah my dad. said we used to hang out what the [ __ ]. and I said to him yeah but it only lasts. for like a few years when I'm 19 or 20. after high school again it'll be cool to. hang out with you again he was like. really anyway I was like yep and it's. true wow this is out is that it's that.

thing you got back to being a 19 year. old again was cool hanging out your dad. know who's at an advanced until yeah. yeah my dad always brings it up he was. like dude how did you know that in. advance and I was like I don't know I. think I just saw people doing it do you. know all of it like all the beats of the. life and then it's just like you are you. think so so how are you enjoying it then. if you already know it all if you like. know that how it's all gonna kind of. break down and when to do what. yeah but it's like it's like because. the anticipation is what the most fun. which is the which is the fun it's like. when you're like you're like let's go to. Vegas and you're in Vegas it's usually.

not as fun as the whole [ __ ] let's go. to Vegas right yeah they're the on the. way there is the best part because. you're thinking about [ __ ] yeah. let's do it yeah isn't it do you think. you could be ever fall victim to a. surprise party or not I have you have. yeah Wow yeah it was [ __ ] it was it. no it was great. but it's [ __ ] that they got me. really yeah yeah cuz you seem like the. kind of guy who would not let people get. him on a surprise party it's your. [ __ ] birthday you know I mean it's. she got me it was [ __ ] mm it was 2007.

Wow six she [ __ ] got me man what was. it a restaurant it was at a bar there. was a bar restaurant yeah well I don't. think a place exists anymore I think. after that meant they shut down hey yeah. yeah we gotta believe they got me oh. yeah I don't think that I will be able. to get gone now really yeah. easy way to like you seem like the. coming guy who like as somebody's. walking into a restaurant with like hey. it's just know it's a surprise party get.

in there don't let them yeah I would be. like I'm even now like my birthday's in. March but when somebody's like you want. to hang out and it's September I'm like. but not for my birthday yeah we got some. questions that came in for crystally. let's see him went your new film coming. out Chris I don't know I think in the. fall but I'm not sure are you excited. about it are you nervous about it nah. I'm yeah whatever it's fine you know you. but it went well yeah yeah I'm good I'm.

happy like you know who honestly. whatever nothing matters anyway yeah for. real like you know it's like yeah we. should like not it's true though you. know how it's like people are like ah is. it okay if I do this [ __ ] spot for. Comedy Central or is okay if I do this. movie it doesn't matter do it yeah it. doesn't matter yeah unless it's like a. [ __ ] we heard her yeah or like. Captain America yeah if you had to fight. for a country would it be America like.

as a superhero would it be I think I. would be like. you know I don't think I don't think I. would pick a country I think I would. just be like look we're gonna be in this. all together you know this is from this. is for this is for the better of mankind. you know mm-hmm do you think you could. save the world like from what though I. don't know probably not but damn but you. would try wouldn't you uh uh yeah I.

would try yeah I would try it yeah try. but like I love this this is the. character I already loved this character. sky and I'll be this superhero a doctor. maybe I would try yeah yeah I would try. but like it will be tough for me that. should be the pitch taper whatever the. [ __ ] film is gonna be it look it I'm. gonna tell you guys the true yeah it's. gonna be tough look I know we got this.

sidekick over here [ __ ] water man or. whatever your name is. yeah I don't know guy this is what are. we up against and then they show me and. I'm like I'm not gonna lie dude it's. gonna be it's gonna be tough and I don't. know if I can do it but I'll do it I'll. try realism that's your [ __ ] that's. your superhero name yeah. realism I'm gonna need a bunch of rocks. and watch my guns yeah and you're gonna. need to get a divorce you tell what you. guys yeah yeah and here's the other. thing too the rocks can't be too heavy.

they have to be carry about so yeah. that's we're at guys let's hit a. question here what do we have Nick you. want to turn up one again cuz it's gonna. come out of those headphones you need. headphones on I know what up deal what. up Chris. it's Brian from Ohio Akron Ohio what's. up had a quick question was just curious. as to how you guys met each other yes.

and what were the first impressions did. you guys like each other did you not you. know let me know Gang Gang okay. blue eyed first of all that yeah he. cannot get with a brown leather jacket. on. so you're crossing guards crossing guard. presenting I mean that's hopefully was. yeah I know that you're a crossing guard. of close oh oh yeah oh yeah for sure. look I that guy could be standing naked. and you'd be like oh you love golf yeah. that's true but he also say either is a. crossing guard he's valedictorian at.

[ __ ] a footlocker cuz that's some. very neon green sash yeah we know what. we know what we know one one thing that. he for sure is what one two three a. Republican yeah two-term Truong saying. yeah he has a little tattered and that's. okay you know you everybody makes their. own choices get in the booth and vote. yeah so uh so the question yeah I know. what I got you really yep do you it's.

hard to remember your money I hate this. because if you don't remember then the. other person can [ __ ] trump you and. just not believe what they say there's. no reason why you'd remember when we've. had our first conversation there's zero. reason why you'd remember and I know and. I know this okay and you don't even know. when it was and it wasn't and both of us. were not doing stand-up yet really up. and I've told you this and you forgot it. because of the same reason why when I. told you this was the same reason why. when we met is because you were high. both times. really that's awesome we were in we were.

in a saddle ranch no were you doing. there you know what I don't know okay. yeah me neither yeah so so you the. people were riding the bull and you were. kind of like you were with some people. that had to do with some kind of. production I think it was that but you I. was not in line for the books I would. not ever ride the bull right you we were. all around that area and I was like huh. and I looked at you I was like crazy huh.

or something I don't know what I said. but you said and a lot of chicks out. there out we're in a world in the bowl. yeah. you see all these girls huh something. like that yeah and you were so faded. yeah like I'm pills or something. [ __ ] you were on pills this isn't a real. thing or something. it was sound rants brother I'm a member. you had a hat on dude I remember. dude I remember when I met you then no I.

didn't make it up yeah you can't say. then after that that's a real story. I do remember all right I remember when. I met you so I remember I was playing. like a young Trey athletic men's. basketball league right already this is. wrong no L didn't used to live near. Olympic this is off of Olympic Boulevard. no era was it couldn't it might have. been might have enough somewhere else. I'll go Wilshire or Senate or Santa. Monica Boulevard and um and it was like.

it was a like a it was like a league I. was in as like a championship game or. whatever my team was our team was called. hot to trot right that was our team okay. so anyway when he's coming back to me. now. yeah so anyway it's like the end of the. game I Drive get fouled score right it's. an obvious and one I'm gonna go to the. line and the ref bro okay first of all. the [ __ ] crap dude all legs right.

this is probably 10 years ago and you. were a little bit younger okay. all legs do barely it was like legs and. like long hair and you couldn't really. know much else about him um he's like no. foul that's what he said blues whistling. comes over and goes no foul it was you. and he was on pills. I don't know fuse on pills but he. definitely he didn't know anything about. refereeing I don't even know people was. an actual referee but I just remember. him he [ __ ] ruined it Wow and I. discern a man for who the [ __ ] is that.

guy how do you get attention I don't I. tell you what there's a lot [ __ ] my life. I don't remember I don't remember that. but I will tell you this I stand by my. call it that yeah and I I honestly think. you [ __ ] traveled to by my mom yeah I. think you probably traveled dude it was. for the west district city championship. bro and I was like and I think I. remember if I don't remember this what. if it did happen I think I remember. thinking do it I wonder if he [ __ ]. paid for a plane ticket with that travel. oh yeah yeah well like I got a shower.

from kayak yeah yeah I remember the guys. had a really bad joke like that. were you on pricing calm or whatever the. [ __ ] and you go wha and I saw on your. face in the middle of the. what you got the joke yeah but yeah I. definitely remember that man or so do. you remember a meeting I don't remember. the first time we met comedy wise though. stand up beside outside of the saddle. ranch or the basketball rec league yeah. I don't remember I mean I remember one.

night there was some girl that got mad. at you on the front porch of the. comments remember that and I remember. like she was just being like a real. [ __ ] and I remember I don't remember. that. the only other times of it that I even I. don't even remember talking to you that. much until maybe about like two years. ago mmm you know hmm I never liked. talking to people that were doing well. in comedy yeah I know you're [ __ ]. weird like that bro well because I don't.

like them I never won I don't know so. many people that seem like we're like. yeah I understand that but you're so not. that guy yeah but if you do that kind of. behavior then I think you become that. guy so you're aware of that then you're. not gonna be that guy right you know. it's not like you're [ __ ] you know. it's not like you're like the guy that's. like these [ __ ] guys around you know. as it just stand yeah you're like what. what are you doing model standing yeah.

but you like in the parking lot of the. Comedy Store you're talking and you're. like what's but what's [ __ ] going on. here oh there's a guy right here oh yeah. those guys yeah we're like you're like. am I in a horror movie what the [ __ ] is. happening you yeah and there's just a. [ __ ] never wearing stander if I was. ever a stander dude and [ __ ] dude get. out of here there's gonna slaughter at. least pace yeah a hundred percent and if. you're just gonna stand say some [ __ ]. yeah those guys got to go go to lunch. those guys are [ __ ] out to lunch go.

to lunch right this one I would press. one of your buttons right now but I'm. using this right um let's get another. question that came in but I don't. remember I do remember being I felt like. intimidated to talk to you kind of I. would get nervous towering cuz you were. always so confident you always say that. yeah yeah and I was I remember I'd be. like I don't know what I'm gonna [ __ ]. say like. you know my go over there I'll here's. the guy this is like if me and you had a. baby I just got hey guys I'm Yours.

Austin from Jackson Mississippi course. we're so excited you guys are doing a. podcast together gang gang cult cult. anyways ask Chris if he's gonna continue. with the 30 minute stand-up specials or. if he's gonna go back to the traditional. our love to hear your thoughts on that. or just go ready player nice guy to. Jackson Mississippi Mike over there over. there by Hal and Mal's and I think. Cherokee bar once you cross the line. you're drunk. yeah weird oh yeah you see the sign.

welcome to Jackson Mississippi my. reading goes down the second IV you know. it's interesting so yeah so what would. you do next would you do another. necklace where you put something out in. your own you do so I'm doing another. special yeah for Netflix and it'll be an. hour I I'm shooting it soon but I the. next few months but I the this the half. hour thing I they came to me with and. they were like do you want to do it and. I just thought it was a cool idea.

because first of all I had a half an. hour material that I didn't want to put. on my next special so I was like that's. perfect for me and also like I'm I'm. always I always want to try the new. thing or the different thing I at least. want to try it like I want to like like. I I think I think a lot of people so my. two other specials on Netflix. incorrigible and man on fire man on fire. is 60 minutes incorrigible ISM an hour. and 20 minutes or 15 minutes something. like that I know that so my first one on.

Netflix incorrigible I purposely put the. Banger [ __ ] at the end because you close. with the Banger [ __ ] you know I mean but. I know people didn't get to that because. that's a long time to watch stand-up and. people watch it before they're gonna go. out at night or they're just they you. know they put it on at night and they. fall as happy if yet it's very will. watch passively exactly so I know. because of that they often reference the. first half of that incorrigible man and.

I'm like I know the second half is way. funnier they say oh I love the part. about. like you don't watch the whole thing. right because the list right better no. one ever talks about the end stuff. exactly. so with man on fire it's a little. different cuz it's a half a it's an it's. an hour and so I started thinking like I. think people are just trying to consume. [ __ ] I think that it's better to click. on so I think well it's only a half hour. I'll watch it right I got time so I was. like I really want to do that because I. think that'll be a good idea and I had. the material but you know some people.

were like I think they thought they're. being slick they were like oh dude so. you they were not allowing you to do an. hour it's like yeah I just get the. business but like yeah I'm doing my name. is Nick Swardson did I mean it was a. cool group - it was Neal it wasn't cool. so um yeah I don't know I also thought. it'd be good for my like overseas shed. because it's like the world thing that. they were doing the yeah a means of the. world yeah so I'm gonna do another hour. I have it ready pretty much and I'm. cutting and pasting but yeah Wow well by.

the way what about you what are you. doing you don't know yeah I don't know. yeah yeah I mean I think uh yeah I mean. I'm ready to do one no yeah yeah. definitely I just don't know what to do. yeah Conde well just play it right you. know take your time like you don't I. mean not take your time but like hold. out you know I mean like honestly dude. even like what what like Andrew Schultz. is doing is [ __ ] cool like he's just. putting it out as it you know every now. and then on YouTube like yeah kind of. like that the only thing is there's no.

like payday no money but but but but you. own it's in the best it's an investment. though it's like you know it's like you. know you you you you build up the views. you build up the fanbase which which. you've already done with your podcast. and [ __ ] but like you know when people. love you definitely special but it's. just like you know yeah I mean my. Netflix post was kind of [ __ ] I'd like. to have another one on there that was. pretty cool I mean I would even see if. maybe you don't like it you don't like I. didn't like the first yeah but maybe. it's just because it's [ __ ] you and. you yeah it was just a bed that that. week in the show's was just rough oh. really it just wasn't haunted that good.

of an experience. I mean I'm grateful for it it was fun. and and it was what it was you know is I. will never know what kind of crowd or. what kind of vibe we're gonna get Yeah. right yeah um so that was kind of tricky. you know um let's take another question. or two all right since we like this guy. we got another quest. from your son Sofia. it's Austin Eubanks Jackson Mississippi. just get my oil change my question for. daddy is what's your role gonna be at.

the log cabin this Thea at the log cabin. as he reached elder status oh yeah. is he gonna be rolling honestly think. that's Charlie Rangel okay so uh yeah. everyone's invited if you want to be a. part of that feel like what I do be a. part of the cult is like you're asking. the question you're already in it you. know that's what we say here so you took. the first step thank you very much so. that's cool yeah they say they say what. do I have to do to be in the call I say. you're welcome that's a few sentences I.

say no that's how it goes here and see. yeah so you know look it's my call but. it doesn't mean that [ __ ] you know. okay you know if I say you know guys. this [ __ ] [ __ ] we need this to be you. know whatever it is done then you know. somebody's gotta do it but there's. enough people that's something I'll do. it somebody will do it yeah you see you. see you see Chernobyl that show oh yeah. really good but the guys are like we. need [ __ ] three of you to go in and. turn the water off and you're all gonna.

die in the next week and they didn't do. it and and everyone's like and then some. guy finally was like all right I'll do. it it's like if something's gonna do. that so [ __ ] bad analogue happened. you know what I'm saying so um yeah so. yeah yeah man I'd like to apply well I. have a question what was your guys's. thoughts when you went to each other's. podcasts videos was it oh yeah also. you're an elder I keep forgetting bring. you the certificate oh really. yeah you [ __ ] guest hosted the show. oh yeah pin for you dude is really cool. you really uh-huh oh it's cool man thank. you dude it was an honor man it was it.

was definitely scary yep like a you live. in like a gated community. first of all and the guy gave me a gang. gang whenever I rolled through no he. didn't god no Wyatt guy he was white guy. look very basic nice guy I don't even. know that he I have some video of him. excess secretly his videos videoing some. of the moments so cuz I don't know. what's gonna happen so I got up there. then and like yeah it was crazy somebody. was yeah there was like I think Magic. Johnson was good jogging in the.

neighborhood like it was very intense. was sheep I don't that people some. people like I think it was Scotland was. like in the distance like it was very. are areas that are technically Scotland. in might yet there was a lot of. endangered species that's all that I had. nobody's seen in a long time actually. you know like oh you know they're. looking for you you know I told some of. the animals somebody said somebody said. to me once hey do you I could ask you do. you really rent your dogs yeah and I. said what do you think and they said no.

and I said why are you asking this. question and they said that's how that. conversation went yeah man I gotta. listen to your podcast this more often. you don't have any it's kind of yes but. it's good there's no guess but yeah man. people I mean a lot of people who have. you know are concerned about their. health and safety let's I liked I liked.

doing the [ __ ] you did yeah [ __ ]. thanks yeah it was really fun yeah I. thought was really fun and it was good. for us I think that like you know oh. it's shocked people even my mom was like. what is happening son dude Mike are you. getting enough Sun that's what she said. ha ha ha like you're strangely tan yeah. look like a guy that should be much. whiter than you are and you and you know. that and you know yeah yeah boy yeah. what's the deal do are you outside a lot.

huh are you yeah um you know uh part of. my family's room Nicaragua bro and it's. not a racial sir yeah my father. Nicaragua what yeah Nicaragua brah where. my Nick gar is that huh well a little. too close okay yeah and hopefully the. audio was clear on that yeah it was a. sea in there. okay good yeah dude it was scary. actually I got there and I was like oh. how does he it felt different to me I.

felt it was hard I felt like it was fun. but it was hard I wish I'd prepared a. lot of people loved it ah I mean I guess. I thought I didn't really prepare either. but but sometimes like them like what. some of the most fun I had was taking. the calls you know you just like this. [ __ ] was hilarious those guys the. [ __ ] guys like your listeners bro. yeah they're like you know how you know. what your listeners are like some of. them not all of them. uh-huh but some of their lists like you. know oh I know they're listening get. ready for this because this is what jar. okay so you are you know you know have.

you ever seen Total Recall the first one. or where the guy's like they're tit did. the guy coming out of the side yes your. listeners are that guy and you're the. guy oh yeah. yeah your listeners are like the guy. coming at you and they're just like when. they call them quanta or whatever the. [ __ ] it is with it what is it what the. [ __ ] phone. that's your listener those were some of. your listeners bro what the [ __ ] can I. call that guy. somebody Q who knows it's not in the new. one though with oh my god dude you live.

in such a weird space let's get one more. for mr. Chris D'Elia kappa yet here we. go hey guys it's khayrat from rhode. island my question for Chris is do you. think you could grow a mullet equally as. great or better than Theo's and if you. could would you consider going on a. mullet boys tour together thanks guys. that's a good question I'm a little boy. that question I like the guys energy he. did he was confident with me yeah yeah. at first I was like I'll [ __ ] this but.

think it's very confident a nice young. man - should have again thought about. his hair a little bit before he [ __ ]. cent it or didn't have any plans yeah no. plans also it has a shirt on backwards. no no it's not backwards it's an outlet. NHL shirt that's a logo goes there bro. that's crazy. but yeah so anyway looks like a good he. will say this his eyebrows look like. they're a little scared of each other. yeah but they're trying to get you know. they lured you're trying to get over his. ears yeah but they're gonna figure it. out. and also I'm just loving this fan here.

is no no no this is why you gotta. [ __ ] you gotta tell the fans how it. is bro. yeah how it is. oh you gotta man the great guys are. young guys we don't know that dude this. guy's everybody kill people you don't. know that. okay cuz we literally be literally could. be his [ __ ] somebody behind him just. like literally sure you think of murder. has ever stopped a murderer to watch one. of our podcasts yeah yeah one of ours.

yes a hundred percent. you think there's somebody laying dead. somewhere with our podcast just playing. in the back I think somebody's been. killed to our Kazekage wallet was on. like a American Psycho instead of he was. in the news my dress cut just [ __ ]. over and over again stabbed and I'm in. the back just being like you know let's. go to [ __ ] miss connection yeah. and then they died and then like [ __ ].

the after my podcast is like [ __ ] god. save America it's another Logan Paul. talking to a stripper yeah um that's a. good question man well we were even lost. about Molly. I almost say this I don't think I could. pull them all it off like you no way. yeah yeah you've got the right look for. it but also I would I wouldn't I like it. I like a mullet yeah yeah I would like.

to do maybe like a mohawk at some point. oh very cool but I think I got [ __ ]. maybe I got a weird head I don't even. know I haven't seen my head dude that's. a risky move and what's in my head would. you ever go buzz cut that's it and never. seen my head oh I'd never seen my head I. wouldn't I ever do a buzz comments way. scare you gotta be a psychopath. my head's like Braveheart I've never. seen it yeah never seen it saw once so. I'll be honest would never see him again. Wow yep well you guys can listen to.

congratulations pod I got my podcast. congratulations love your podcast love. this past weekend yeah thanks for being. here man yeah that was one of the. craziest things ever I'm watching when. you walked on to the screen and our. podcast on this podcast I was like holy. Sh it's like seeing your teacher at the. supermarket you're like what are you. doing. yeah yep actually mr. Robertson's in. Ralph's no way [ __ ] you like oh yeah you. got a real life I forgot you think of. your teachers just like if we're gonna. at the end of the class period like okay.

and then they just buy and then close. the door and they just [ __ ] get in a. bed like an apple next one but they. don't bro they go [ __ ] to the. supermarket and [ __ ] they got families. yeah you see what's in their cart you're. like what weird tuna fish. macaroni bro yeah you're nuts where's. your wife. that was always a scarce you realize. they don't have a wife person with their. wife is their wife is always another. teacher in in like the different school. right that's mrs. app Roberts is in. [ __ ] Flint Ridge or some [ __ ] yeah.

things have really changed out here um. Chris Thalia thanks for coming by man. thank you man I had a [ __ ] blast I. love coming back I've been wanting to. come back so I'm happy really yeah I'm. sorry that you did man will you ever. have other guests besides your brother. on your podcast I don't know I only have. my brother one time but if I do yeah. you're first in line man yeah and I got. him the YouTube live chat on that it was. fun oh you did. ripping him oh I think I remember that. yeah so funny I just called him Salvador. Dali like 30 but that was pretty cool.

though was it fun having your brother on. yeah he's dope yeah it's cool he's gonna. start a podcast he actually started it. he's just banking the episodes and. release him he's got his park is gonna. be [ __ ] awesome I really I don't know. what if you would want me to talk about. it or not but it's [ __ ] awesome he's. got awesome guests hmm yeah it's cool I. can't wait to [ __ ] hear have there. been um it has anybody reached out yet. about you being a superhero like from I. know this is gonna happen for you like I. believe like I'm not joking about that. like I know that you're going to be like. some sort of a superhero I don't know. what though the world will be in or if.

it you could be I mean you can even. probably create your own universe of. superheroes I think that would be very. cool yeah I would love to do that. because you could do that I ya know I. haven't been reached out for any. superhero yeah but Zachary Levi DN the. other day so we're getting close. it's all it takes man yeah all it takes. bro. alright crystal yeah thank you so much. for being here man thank you. [Music].

[Music]. little time for me to set that parking. brake. Oh. [Music]. [Music].

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