Cheek to Seat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #214

and i'm i'm. i'm just trying to be alive you know it. and this weekend i um and i ate a whole. sack of uh them toll house morsels. and they and they i don't know if you. ever seen them they got that yellow sack. they got that uh that amarillo. i think is how you say in in uh in. spanish they got that amore.

bolsa that yellow sack. of them little chocolate you know little. nuggets. look like i mean they look like almost. like a little duty or something. like a like a real little bitty bear. maybe a bear that's. you know about four inches tall came and. did a little duty somewhere. and that's the uh the nestle nestle i. believe. toll house morsels and they are good. and look you have here's the thing the.

sack of them. the the way they built the sack if you. open it a bunch kind of spill out. so i don't know it's kind of like uh. i don't want to say it's like that movie. uh you know i'm a start or anything but. it's kind of you know. you know they got too many in the bag. kind of thing you know um. and so you know next thing you know they. got a couple of those. little sweet chocolate morsels just you. know maybe you put a couple in your hand. or.

but then it's you know some spill on the. counter next thing you know you've had. 10. 11 19 and i probably had no. i don't even really want to be honest. with myself about it i probably had. 240 of them. two you know so that's. i mean i guess that's kind of where i'm. at right now you know.

but uh let's get into it. [Music]. i'm just sitting on your front porch. wondering. [Music].

i'll patch up where it's been. [Music]. these leaves i must be cornerstone. [Music].

baby. a little come on let's go we could do it. for me to set that parking brake and let. myself go. i'll sit and tell you my stories.

[Music]. thank you uh hey what's up that is. shine by bishop gunn and they are a band. out of. natchez uh louisiana. or mississippi sorry and it's so close. you can't even tell which one you're in. i mean you could uh if you had really.

long legs you could be in. in mississippi and louisiana at the same. time. you're gonna have to probably be at. least about i would guess. probably about eight feet tall because. you have to really. you're gonna you just need a little bit. of room you gotta make sure you're in. each one. uh because you gotta pod out at the. bottom sort of. thank you uh for joining me today. say um good to see you i hope you have. are doing. well i hope you are doing well and that.

uh. that is shined by bishop gun i am. what's going on what's going on with me. i guess. it's summer time that's what i'm. realizing you know. and it's summer and this is the kind of. time of year i remember. when at summer time you go to the pool. you might see a little uh if you're. around that. age when you really when you got really.

purple it kind of. starts kind of whispering in year. because perhaps if you're going through. puberty puberty is a real ghost. you know it's it's invisible to you for. years you were. you're a child and you know you don't. see nothing. when you're real young a titty could. roll across the street you don't care. you know a whole a battleship full of. wieners could just.

you know capsize right out front of your. house if you're a young lady you don't. care you're like oh what is all it is. what are all of these you know these. weird you know. these weird little kind of arms you know. that. don't have bodies and hook to them. because you because that because that. that that puberty ghost hadn't started. really whispering to you. and then when you hit about 13 or 14. that ghost just.

he kind of just. you playing video games and suddenly you. hear something in your ear like. what you think about some teddy. [Music]. and they'll try to pretend like they're. still a ghost but really they're just. it's just uh puberty coming at you.

so but that's what time it is summertime. it's summertime and the kids i bet the. kids just. the you're inside i know the kids are. inside. it's starting to get a little. touchy feely i bet it's starting to get. a little bit intense you know it's. getting a little bit hot. hot but purity come and it really starts.

it starts getting you going if you're. young remember. that's when summer would always uh. that's when uh puberty would always hit. somebody. in summer time that you feed that. long. i know you like playing hide and go seek. but what about uh. some titties. and everything started to change.

you know you'd have a water slide at the. beginning of summer. and by the end of the summer you're. trying to you're trying to slide into. the neighbor's daughter. remember it was just different time it. just was it was same times actually but. it was. it was just i don't know it was just. something that happened that's. and your buddy come back from school he. have a beard you know. your friend you guys had pogs or. something together now he got a beard. and he got a child. he was in a war and you're like damn.

you might you got some real you must. have that polish pyramid hit you or. something that you crying in bruh. cause you've already been in a couple. battles. but it's that summertime we're still. getting through it. what did i do this weekend i had look i. had some neat experience uh. i'll share about it in a second i you. know i was asking. or thinking last week who listens to the. show and i wanted to know and so uh.

we got a couple of people that chimed in. and let us know here we go. hey theo um i'm calling from phoenix. arizona. oh phoenix arizona and. my mother used to live over there. outside of phoenix. and phoenix if you know arizona state. university. beautifulest they got some real. beautiful ladies running around over. there. i mean they got i'm surprised they not.

they don't have real carnivores in that. area a lot of. because they got some ladies over there. you'll see some booty cheeks make you. want to damn get a fork and knife out. bruh. you know turn you into a little that. kind of snack of dactyl really. so but thank you for calling young lady. onward. um are a special ed teacher and i just. wanted to call and say. that you do a kick-ass job on on your. podcast. i normally listen to you when i'm.

getting ready for work. oh you're a special ed teacher and. that's beautiful and i actually. you know a lot of people know that i've. you know beat down syndrome when i was. born and. and i've had a lot of you know i've had. interactions i'll tell you actually i. feel bad about this but. when i was in a third grade or first. grade. and who knows which one it was i mean. nobody really. you know nobody ever knows really enough.

and they had a next to us was special. education. and um and i would sneak in there and. steal they had these. kind of orange slices and these lime. slices these kind of green little sugar. look like a little uh. like somebody like a little handful of. somebody. made a little sugar like a chewy sugar.

chunk these little sugar hitters and i'd. sneak in there and eat them all. while the while the special-ed kids were. out doing recess or. just doing something i don't know what. they were doing just riding around town. or whatever. you know not at school or not in the. classroom. and um and honestly i've always felt a. little bit bad about that. so i want to apologize about that right. now. i would sneak in there and dude.

sometimes i would lock myself. in the cab and the cupboard they had a. tall cupboard i'd get in there. and i'd start eating these candies. because our teacher miss lewis would. give you permission. to go to the restroom sometimes. if you were an appropriate child. now we had some inappropriate you know. we had some real inappropriates kind of. milling around we had kids who. you know alphabet deniers and stuff you.

know kids that didn't want to read and. all kinds. but she would let you go get uh to the. to the restroom. until you be in the hall by yourself. so i'd sneak into the um special ed room. and get their candies and get in that. candy closet. and the second i opened that door they. had so many. candy they had. those uh tootsie roll the long ones you. know that kind of make you. fool that kind of make you really.

they kind of make you start thinking. about what you're into as a young fella. you know you put two of them big fellas. in your mouth you might. you know you might uh you might end up. in a unique parade later on in. in your life and so i get in there and. i'd start just eating the lime slices. and eating i'd have probably maybe 30. pieces of candy. and then i'd come back to the class and. i'd have forgotten to go. urinate and so i'd have to sit there the.

rest of the time and. suffer with the full bladder. and it's funny because the pain of. having to urinate. would almost be it would every time i. remembered i gotta pee so bad. i would feel ashamed because i had. stolen them children's candies. their sweet uh the sweet treats. and anyway i'm sorry i'm rambling yes. some thank you for calling in. onward since i'm a special ed teacher. and i work. right now in behavior specifically it's.

very stressful. so i like to start off my day with one. of your. episodes because it just kind of sets me. in that mood to get ready. and be positive and know that everything. is going to be. okay so thank you dude for all that. you do thank me thank you. you know i think about that uh let's. brave you i. it's uh well it's not you have a special. gift to be able to work with children. that's really.

you know that have autism or you know. unique gifts from god or they're. a lot of mentally challenged people it. seems like they're doing more insider. trading it seems. they're operating on the inside you know. we're out here operating on the outside. for the most part and some of us are. a hundred percent out here and nothing. inside and some of us are. or 50 50. but sometimes a lot of. you know mental children when i was.

growing up it would seem they were um. they were uh they were. more like 80 inside 20 outside. so they had a lot more you know you got. a it's almost like a rubik's cube you. got to do a lot of twisting and turning. to kind of get the. get the walls to all match up and it. takes a lot of patience. so i can't even really imagine you know. um. how much patience you have to be i mean.

you must. you must you must just have to be full. of patience because. uh i mean i just i imagine if we cracked. you open that. something would come out but only if we. waited a while. because that's patience you know like. i just can't imagine it you know and. and so thank you for for your service. right there and uh and thank you for the. compliment. and i hope you have a great day today.

you know i hope you. you know uh and those kids that you're. working with in the future they get the. next go round they get the big trip next. time. you know we all we all take turns i. believe that. like i'm here this time doing what i do. being a loudmouth. and next time i'll be you know i'm kind. of a more sensitive loud mouth next time. i might be a warrior like a. deaf warrior so you'll see me with. no listening skills but maybe be a.

lightweight champion of the world. or i might be like a you know a little. show animal or something. that you know doesn't do a lot and does. you know does cigarettes or something. so it's you know everybody gets the term. where you have. where we get to see what it's like to be. that next thing. that next type of person. so uh i guess i'm just envious.

you know i had a day one time i was a. student and we went to. india uh earth. and we worked on a disabled children's. home over there. and a lot of these children they didn't. have wheelchairs or. chairs and. they were just crawling around on the. ground you know and uh. and our job for the day was to help move. they had different sediment and. different pieces of cement or something.

i don't know what had happened. somebody left a probably look about two. dump trucks full of some. pieces of big cement at a at a disabled. children's home. and we moved it and we made it and moved. it around and opened up a little play. area for them but. uh but man it was. you know it was the one day in my life. where i really felt of service like a. hundred percent. i remember getting to the end of that. day and just feeling like wow man um.

just felt so good um but thank you for. your service i'm glad we can get you. going i'm glad to be a part of whatever. we're doing here and. uh and getting you going so i hope you. have a wonderful day over there. uh let's get it who else is listening. let's carry out one more. my name is tim big tim out there. and you know tim is always that kind of. neighbor guy you know. he he's a little sometimes he'll be out. shooting hoops at night. but you're like damn what's going on tim. you you got a family you know.

or tim's the kind of guy where you know. you won't have seen his wife for like a. month and you'd be like dang. tim oh where's diane. but let's hear more thank you for. listening tim and i listen to your. podcast. after i dropped my kids off oh yeah man. oh oh oh i see what you're saying actual. kids because that's a euphemism also. for uh going to the restroom onward. at school i'm a stay-at-home dad and i.

sod. bruh damn. boy stay at home. dad wow. oh that'd be so much fun because i. remember staying at home when i was a. kid. [ __ ] was great making stuff making your. own food remember that. do one day for lunch bro i had 16 pieces. of cheese. [Music].

remember that cheese steaks i remember i. heard about. uh cheese steaks. and a cheese steak is when i guess i. don't know. but i thought it was that you just put a. bunch of cheese in. like a you know as much of a meat shape. as you could and just had that [ __ ] you. know. so i made a perfect t-bone out of cheese. out of about 16 pieces of american. you know what i'm saying gba boy god.

bless them. and uh and had me a beautiful ass cheese. steak while i watched. it wasn't how uh one life to live or. something. my grandmother got me onto some of the. uh soap operas. and a soap opera is something basically. where it's like a lot of. i guess it's kind of where people. they fantasize i think about having sex. with somebody else but. instead of doing that they just watch a. soap opera and have a snack.

um what else we got thank you for. calling tim let's hear more. and i just love how real you talk you. don't hold anything back. i'm in wisconsin and uh i'm sure you. know. like your vibe is felt the same. everywhere. but we definitely feel it out here all. right buddy. love you love you too tim man. uh thanks for calling and dude have fun. at the house today bruh. if what if the ladies out there working.

dude get a slip and slide sell the. [ __ ] furniture dude online. dude you're living the dream do whatever. you want. oh man when you were at home that was. one thing nice during summertime when. you were home. wake up as long as there was milk. if there wasn't milk my day was going to. hell but if there was milk i was. i was feeling good because you could.

have cereal get a little bit of this. cut on an episode of something do a. video game. you know and if you hadn't if you hadn't. hit perby yet you just do fun stuff all. day. see what the neighbors are up to make. sure the house keys under the mat when. you leave. dude how how crazy is it that we keep. the hou every house keys under the mat. if there's any bur if there's a burglar. who can't get into a house.

[ __ ] him bruh then he ain't a good. burglar. let me every burglar i have to be honest. with you the house key. is under the mat or it's in the little. frog or it's on the little goose. they got a little trap door under the. frog and that's. the house key is right there. because sometimes you'll see a burglar. like they catch a burglar by like the.

back window. he's back there with a screwdriver what. are you crazy there's no screws on a. window first of all bucko. dude the keys under the mat come in the. front door. just baffling to me sometimes what's. going on. uh this weekend for me what happened. this past weekend i'm just kind of. rambling. um. well oh longneck came out to the show.

you know and we're distant cousins. people ask. and uh and so he came out. and it was a good experience man it was. nice to see him you know he's a young. guy. people don't realize it they think he's. just that necky neck neck. people all you know just think he's you. know he's naked even if he ain't he. could be fully clothed and still be. naked. you know he's that esophageal guy. you know it's like uh it's almost like.

you can play that game where you put. your hands up a bat until somebody wins. you could do that right on my boy right. there. and his real name is david and he. doesn't smoke or drink. you know he doesn't do drugs. and he's a young guy people don't. realize that. he's a young dude there's no work for. his parents out there and uh. he lives in um outside of flint. and you know he's got a fa you know he's.

got he. lives with his family but there's no you. know there's not a lot of opportunity. out there. so he said this is a really tough time. we had a nice time actually chatting he. said it's tough because. um there's a lot of gangs. there's a lot of like violence and stuff. a lot of people get jealous of him which. must be. wild it's like he kind of has this. unique look and then people get jealous. of him. um and he's only 19 so he's just.

you know trying to be alive and he said. that p. some people have taken advantage of him. and. uh like in business and stuff like that. and but he had a nice group with him and. they came out. and we broke some bread backstage and. just had a nice meal. and he likes fries you know he likes uh. he likes french fries. he so mostly if you see him you know. just filling up his body it's with fries. so he's fried up but.

but yeah it was a good time and we hung. out what else and the shows were great. so many great people came out. so many just man i just. man so many nice people the first show i. thought was really amazing the second. show was good it wasn't as good. uh to me but you know how i am i'm kind. of hard on myself. and uh but yeah we had a good time we. brought on we brought. uh damn long neck up and on stage at the. end of the first show and we sang we are.

the world with a beautiful group. we had some diversity up there we got a. couple tino's up there. uh you know a couple dark aardvarks up. there we had a beautiful. we had a beautiful squad we had a girl i. think who was. i don't even know dude freaking great. you know awesome and so everybody was up. there. and it was we saying we are the world. together i'm gonna try to get that video. for you. but but yeah it was uh. it was just a good experience man it was. a good experience uh and i'm glad he got.

to coming down. and i'm just glad i got to kind of chat. with him and see what his little. what his world is like on a one-to-one. basis and i found him to just be like a. nice kid. you know just nice and just you know. just. i mean just imagine any anybody else. from a community that's kind of a. troubled community. and there's not a lot of opportunity and. who gets this kind of. weird uh or unique instagram. popularity uh.

so it was interesting man it was. interesting. but i'm glad that he came out and i'm. grateful that to everybody that came. through. i'll tell you this dude they had uh oh. i'll tell you this actually that today's. episode is brought to you by. grey block pizza gray block pizza they. have. you sometimes you need a you need a. stylish pie you need that slice of nice. and they have it there it's 1811 pico. boulevard in los angeles on the way to. the beach.

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microphone at the top of the homepage. and type in theo t-h-e-o that's. shipstation.com. and enter promo code theo. shipstation.com make. ship happen you know and i put a photo. up on instagrams of. of me and uh of david damn longneck and. some of his buddies and i didn't know. any of the other guys really i've seen. some of their stuff online but. and people like you know one guy is like.

i. i can't i can't support this type of. stuff you know. you support these types of people. and it just made me kind of mad it's. like what do you mean these types. you know pete what you think he's a. privileged kid. i mean i know he's a silly kid at 19. he. makes ridiculous stuff online. you know but you think that kid is. privileged some young kid growing up in. flint michigan. you think he has some special.

opportunity. you know it just like. you know it's like i don't know and then. it also i feel bad because it made me. think like oh well. like i don't spend i'm you know. i mean uh david reminds me of people. that i grew up around. you know he reminds me of the. neighborhood that i grew up in. dude i'll tell you this bra show up to. the improv. he's outside him and his gang bro he's. got a wild cat with him named gucci.

berry and this guy he's probably 50. years old. you know half half of his teeth he's. always getting people beating them in. the uh. nuts and stuff online it's to me it's. not my vibe really. really at all really but he's a nice guy. and uh i roll up to the improv they're. out front with. no shirts on. zero shirts dude i've been. i've gone to the enterprise for 15 years.

i've gone. to the improv in hollywood california on. melrose avenue. never once have i seen. someone without a shirt on there but. today. i roll up there sitting out front no. shirts boy. i said gang gang baby. it's people you know p. it's people you want i mean it's just. it's people man.

and the second i feel like i'm not. people man i don't care what they i. don't care if. if if dave is black or white or latino. or. you know peruvian or uh veruca salt or. whatever he is. you know i don't care if he [ __ ] you. know reaches into his pants and pulls. out a damn tail. that's people so. anyway i shouldn't and it didn't bother. me it just made me. i don't know part of me did worry it was.

like well what if you know if if people. think that i'm associated with these. kind of people or if they think i'm this. then. then what is that going to be i guess it. i guess in the end i guess i'm really. just disappointed that it made me. doubt myself you know it made me think. well. what are people going gonna think. because i like to you know i wish i. didn't live in that space where i. worried about that. while i worried about what people. thought what's in their heads. about me.

and i hope to get there you know i hope. to aim to be in that space more. um and i don't even know how. how i ever got there probably when i was. young well i think probably i didn't. know how i felt about myself. you know i had no real self-awareness. and the only way i did feel about myself. wasn't good. so of course i'm gonna need other people. to like me. i'm gonna need them to feel good.

because that's the only way i know if. i'm doing okay. you know if i ask myself it's like. yelling into a cave. when i was young. so it almost makes sense that i even do. work as a comedian. because it's like i needed to know that. that it's like i got my own feeling of.

feeling okay from them. so it's almost like i'm trying to think. about this a little more. i know in a simple way it's like oh what. do what people think about you that. oh you care about what people think. about you yes. but i'm trying to think about how i. you know i i. got what i thought about myself. from. [Music].

how other people responded to me i think. that really. is more how what was going on with me. you know because that's the only way i. knew. you know ness so. yeah nobody you know i just wasn't. filled up with hey you're. you know euro you're okay there wasn't. enough of those. and if there were maybe there weren't i. couldn't even hear them. and that's where sometimes you it's like.

man we're all special ed. we're all special needs. you know and it makes me feel good to. know that there's a lady out there. hey theo i'm calling from venus arizona. i'm the special ed who's driving. somewhere. to take care of some kids man that's. great. that's awesome it's nice to know that. there is when these kids get home.

that this guy hello my name is tim and i. listen to. your podcast after i drop my kids off. at school i'm a stay-at-home dad that. when the kids get off the bus. timmy's out there with a little tray of. muffins or um. or a cigarette i don't know if the kids. smoke or what he does with his kids but. he's out there. that's nice to know that the you know. that people. that that we're filling these youngsters. up.

with some type of connection. um i'm just kind of rambling but uh. but yeah what else is going on with me. right now um. hmm. you know i'm trying to i've just been. trying to think about like. you know this just. just kind of. i guess just kind of wanting to just.

i've just been feeling so busy sometimes. that i don't know. it's hard to know like if i'm feeling. okay or not so i gotta just gotta try. and check in with myself a little bit. more. and just kind of you know just make sure. that i'm doing okay and i feel like i am. um it was just you know i used to have. just kind of more time to just. you know i guess just even chill out or. take a nap or get a little. uh frosty or something i love frosties.

and i love what else do i love you know. what i miss i was thinking about the. other day. musical chairs do remember musical. chairs. remember at school i don't even know. when it happened. but about once every two years. some new legislation came down at school. and they once again allowed kids to play. musical chairs.

that's where they put like seven chairs. in the middle of a room and they put. like. 40 kids in the room and it was just. bonkers you remember how crazy it was. you remember it it was like uh. it was almost like the royal rumble like. wwf royal. rumble and they had everybody all. suddenly ever you start to see who. people are. you'd have a little you know a couple. sets of twins these two females brother. over there sharpening their teeth with a. real file you're like damn.

these [ __ ] get in a seat. suddenly all the white kids were like oh. we're gonna have a chance to do. something athletically. musical chairs. and then the music would start all. around the mulberry bush. [Music]. and people are just. [Music]. just eyeing the other person suddenly a.

friend was. not a friend at all suddenly some kid. had just reached in his bag and just. painted his face up like. william wallace. you know he's like we are free tell them. scotland is. free other kids was getting scared one. kid. fainted bruh dude whatever son. you out bro you out you can't handle. musical chairs you ain't gonna handle.

musical the rest of your life then go. move to somewhere else bruh and be weak. daddy we gotta go. and then it would stop and it would and. people you'd see some kid pull out a. blade. you know some rich kid would bring a. chair from home you're like. what fauntleroy's oh. that's it he's cheating they had some. pedos on the side. betting on it laying money you know plus.

750 on little reginald over there. and the teacher was smoking cigarettes. it was insane and then. just all these cheeks flying it was butt. first. it was butt first. and there's just nothing more just. quirky and silly than a bunch of. children's. butts all flying in the same direction. at once. and you had to get cheek to seat some. kids they go for a chair. miss it completely shatter their legs. shatter their spine.

end up in a bag once you know end up. traveling by sack. for the rest of their lives on their on. their on their dad or mom's back if. their mom was strong. just you know just you had to get two. cheeks on the seat. and it was yours and you had somebody. yelling in the distance somebody be. yelling cheek that seat. cheek that seat. there's people crawling through pop. pipes full of duty they said it would. take a minute 600 years i gotta say a.

prison. but musical chairs randall did it in. less than 20. and you know little daniel's back there. in the back he got him a little santa. sack and he's not even playing he's just. stealing people's stuff i mean he's back. there he's taking these like just. mom-made sandwiches and game boys and. just filling up a sack and he's just. he leaped out the window right in. under the back of a greyhound he left. town that we never even saw.

because you know daniel you know he. makes his own choices. but damn boy musical chairs the game. ends some. it came down to two people one chair. and it was actually kind of a great. thing for regular life this is regular. life. it's gonna be survival of the of the. of the fittest you got to get that ass. right. because it's cheek first sometimes you. got to put your ass.

on the line. and one you know somebody when you don't. and that you win and they supposed to. give you some candies. and they go in the cupboard and who. knows some little [ __ ] kid. ate all of them lime slices some. sneaky little white boy that polly. nicaragua. snacked up all the lime slices and. little daniel he's already he's halfway. to tacoma. and he got that bag of you know maybe.

lukewarm muffins and some ham. sandwiches and some pudding packs bruh. and he's keyed up come. on boy get in there. man i just i mean it was god's game. i mean that was god's game man. let's get into a couple more calls uh. uh here's one we got as always the. hotline is 985-664-9503.

and the hotline is um you know it's a. it's a it's just you know if something's. going on what's happening. if you're not if you're struggling with. something uh if there's something that. we can try to do to help. um if you want to share a response to. something on the show. you can always hit it and again it's. 985-664-9503. let's take a call right here hey what's. going on theo. it's jonathan from shreveport what's up.

sharif port. uh and i used to the cops after the. comedy. the cops would come by these bicycle. cops and they would tase you if you. wanted. and you could you didn't even have to be. a criminal and they would tase you with. the damn taser. so you know they got some rare uh. kind of tourist attractions around there. let's hear more. man i was listening to the podcast. earlier and. you were talking about being in a.

relationship i think you're. 39 and i'm 35. man and i was scared of relationships. just like you for a long time. because like i come from alcoholic. parents and a broken home and. all that [ __ ] and man. it was like oh and dealing drugs for. a long time it was like everybody was. business. related or business oriented like i had.

girlfriends but they were more like. homeboys you know. oh yeah drugs will make a will turn a. girlfriend in. into more of a girl fiend you know. onward. but i met stephanie the woman i'm with. now. and dude it really changed me i mean. she's a genuine person. so it is worth. the risk to face the fear i would say. gang man i appreciate you saying that. dude and.

yeah uh yeah i guess everybody needs a. little stephanie on. them everybody needs. yeah i'm sure somebody comes along and. kind of just makes it. i mean my biggest fear i think right now. in like a practical sense. on a surface sense is i i just don't i. don't know that i trust myself not to. cheat not to you know i still i got that. sugar lizard sometimes.

in my wiener you know in my body weiner. and you know if that lizard gets. thinking bruh. then i'll you know i'll get pink and you. feel me i mean that's kind of. obtuse and i want to say that but i try. to get out there looking for some loin. you know i'll get out there kind of just. just kind of just stand then around. just kind of looking for some trim.

trimming them whatever you say i. am you know mom's spaghetti bro you feel. me. i'll take a girl out for mom's spaghetti. to try to freaking. serve up that meatball you gotti. so i i just i don't know sometimes man i. think that's one of the things. and then i i [ __ ] bro i got so many. [ __ ] problems bro. jesus christ dude i might as well just. build a church around my damn head and. my heart. i might as well you know what i should.

do is just live in a church. or something like that it would help or. a tp or a native american church. let's hear more you sound like you might. be on a couple of leads as well daddy. you might be. you know a couple milligrams deep right. now onward. cause now that i got kids everything's. different man. like i stopped doing everything illegal. started making legal money i mean it's. it's been a real real long road but it's. really worth it.

and i didn't trust anybody man. at one time if i couldn't make a dollar. off of you i didn't really mess with you. dang bro wow yeah so i you know i feel. you and a lot of that is yeah it's like. you got to have. opportunity for transformation and it. sounds like somebody real special came. along and uh. and made you believe in something. greater than yourself and that's pretty. powerful. you know i'm amazed at the way that.

that goodness really works in the world. you know i'm just amazed man um. i'm amazed at how many people you know. i'm feeling in some type of way. negative or this or that and somebody. comes along and. their positivity just shows me the other. half of the world that. or the really the other most of the. world that i'm not seeing. you know because if i'm seeing things. negatively is a lot of that's my choice.

you know you walk into hell with a smile. bruh. i mean you could even you might even be. able to make the devil think different. you know it's just powerful sometimes to. just uh. do that contrary action. oh it's easy to show up at work and be a. dick and do this and that. it it's hard some guy works for you or. you work for your boss he's a dick or. you're a dick. to show up and just i'm gonna try this.

different. what if today i walked up and said just. hey look. what you might be the best damn employee. or employer. they might be the worst and if you said. hey look. what can i do differently to help the. situation here. even if you you might already be doing. it great but that right there is gonna. make them think damn is the world. changing because i thought my boss or i.

thought the guy working under him i. thought he was an [ __ ]. wow the world's changing it's really the. world people are start are asking what. can they do to help somebody. wow i better get on that bus. because i'm over here on this other. shitty bus there's only one other person. on it. it's a young fella named daniel brown he. got a sack full of game boys. so i don't i got to get on this new bus. that's headed in a new direction. and that's my perspective and i i think.

i'm sounding a little bit preachy man. i'm sorry about that i. you know i've been having a my patience. has just been real short with myself and. i noticed sometimes i get preachy when. um. when i just when i haven't been resting. enough really. and when i haven't been at peace enough. i just or when i've been too busy i get. more preachy. so i'm not trying to preach at you i'm. i'm really trying to tell myself that i.

you know i want to be brave enough when. when a situation is shitty. when somebody's done something wrong to. me. instead of saying hey [ __ ] you. i want to be able to say hey. how can i help man. what's going on you're upset today you. you need to make it five extra dollars. off of me go on bro. get that money that's gonna change. that's gonna.

you know nine extra dollars off of it. today that's going to make you. you're going to sit at home and be full. of you're going to take it daddy. i don't know i do i'll give you [ __ ]. i'll give you 14. i'll give you 14 you take the nine and. then here's an extra five. go home and don't be an [ __ ] to your. family how about that. i'll pay you every day to go home and. not be an [ __ ] to your family. you know let them have it man.

i just i don't know i guess i got i'm. spinning bruh i'm getting preachy man. i'm sorry about that. but thanks for calling man and uh and. sorry i was thinking you were on. quaaludes but you dog you sound like you. might. look if they have a quaalude competition. dude or voice over work. if they ever come out with a smurf or. something that's on luge bruh. you know sneaky you know snakey dopey. doc. sneezy uh. you know opioid bruh you could audition.

for him bro you got that looty. you got that looty bat that baritone. ludi. you get that looty looty baritone you. got about 600 milligrams in your voice. box daddy. and i love you man gang gang shreveport. all day. and i'm ready to see dustin poirier. whoop that boyz. over there in the desert. operation diamond storm baby we coming. back to the middle east.

it's gonna get rogue man and speaking of. rogue there's actually a new uh. a friend of mine created a game called. streets of. rogue and it's uh it's on steam it's on. xbox one it's on playstation. um and it's kind of like. what's that uh game. like pep boys no it's uh.

grand theft auto it's a grand that's. automated zelda. and you could do anything you want if. you'd like to live in like an. alternative world. on this on his game you can you know you. can be doing cigarettes you can be doing. karate. you know you could light people up or. just light up a smoke. uh you can you know you could kill. people you can have drinks and. everything there's all types of stuff. juggle make chocolates um. they got tons of opportunities on there.

and then you can still be like the mayor. of the whole. of the whole you know little universe on. there so. um yeah if you want to check it out it's. called streets. of rogue and uh and that's. my friend matt made the game he's a game. maker. and actually he just got married as well. so uh congratulations uh. matsky out there what else. let's get into a couple more uh. questions and calls that came in here we. go.

yo what's going on baby it's kazzy over. here in charlotte. what's up qazi over there in charlotte. huh and i love charlotte. you want to go to a city that's really. white rific and blacktastic at the same. time boy. charlotte you want to see uh. you know cities that are really just you. know they got that. funky they got funky but also. honky you know they got that honky funk. uh.

vibe going on and that really is. charlotte man one of the best southern. restaurants i've ever been to. is right over there off of by that mall. over there downtown. and it's dangerous because the buses go. fast there. so you could you could lose a family. member to a bus but god damn them hush. puppies are good you know. so you could uh you could have a you. could have those in a. couple orders that have fried catfish at. the wake. you know at the funeral baby onward i. was watching some king.

king of the bee whatever it is and you. and brandon was talking about. uh superpowers or something and you said. that you could go in the bathroom. and you could tell for the last time. that somebody. did some business in there was well oh. yeah that's something that uh. it's a i don't think it's a soup i guess. it is a superpower i guess i don't know. if everybody could do it but. yeah if i go into a urinal restroom or. you know piss area. if i say if somebody's been in there. doing a duty or something i can.

sometimes. i could smell i could almost i can't. help but smell it. like right when i walk in my my nose. will take a hit and i'll try to. it'll be like oh yeah somebody did or no. somebody did or it's been you know nine. and a half minutes or it's been 60. seconds or. you know they got two boys you know. playing these porcelain pipes right. there. you know in a couple stalls right now. they got active shooters in the building. homework well. it made me think man if you're ever over. here in charlotte i work at this little.

text message joint. called chewie's come drop into chewie's. we've got. you know the women's restroom and the. men's restroom and then we've got what. we call the family bathroom. but what it is it's a whole different. bathroom it's got you know one toilet in. there it's really for changing kids but. all the co-workers go in there with your. drugs. and um and i didn't say that and we use. that and we do our own business but it. always smells fresh. we got the uh the janitorial uh folks. shout out to them. loretta and i hear you know anybody.

who's listening to this shout out to. y'all. but um hell yeah shout out to anybody to. be ever cleaning toilets man. and i used to clean him over there at. bj's pizza house off of 190. and i used to get me a cold beer and uh. and i'd go in the bathroom. i was probably 13 or 14. and i drinking. beer out of a damn paper cup and i'd be. hitting that. that miller light bro and that [ __ ]. [ __ ] made my. cheeks made [ __ ] made just. made it feel like squirrels were living. in my neck and they were.

looking each other they were looking for. each other to [ __ ] you know that's what. it felt like when i drink that miller. light as a kid. second it poured in it was so spicy and. hot in my. and just i mean it was ice cold but it. was just hot inside of it. it was coldness but that alcohol had. heat in it and it would get in my throat. and just let the damn squirrels loose. and that [ __ ]. made me boy did i bite my own ass cheek. open if i had. you know two sips of miller light at the. age of 13. um onward.

yeah i did the most work in the. restaurant. they always keep it smelling great in. there you'll go in there you you won't. even know. the last time that anyone's done some. business oh that's beautiful. so y'all i'll i'll have to hit that. chewie's when i'm local. um oh i used to love bruh so. i used to do whippets i used to get bro. i go lock myself in the uh. if the toilet was taken i'd go hit lock.

myself in the. freezer at the restaurant and i'd be. just eating handfuls of bread pudding. straight out of the uh like the chef. would have made it all but he was. cheating on his wife and he was. he was embezzling money so nobody gave a. [ __ ] about his recipes right because. really i want to know what ingredients. are. going into your soul before the what's. in the uh. in the dessert tray what you put in. there so i want to know that first batch. of you. before i see that you know that that.

second course. and so i'd get in there i just beat. handfuls of bread pudding and doing. whippets bruh. i'd be dude people come in there i. remember one guy came in. and uh he's like dude what the [ __ ] he. doing in here. he was a co-worker and i was like hold. on just a second. is he just gonna be one of you guys. today that's how. whipped it out i was i thought i was at. the hostess stand. and this guy came in and i tried to seed. him. in the damn freezer bruh so.

you just got to know who you are you. know or know who you are. i think. let's take another call right here here. we go thank you for hitting the hotline. for being here with me this weekend. or this monday actually man yo. what up you freaky said what up man uh. nelson here calling from texas. what's up nelson from tejas and i. appreciate you ringing in papa onward.

uh last time i called the show was about. a year ago. uh to be exact last summer on the. halfway to christmas episode and i. believe i was the first mailman. to call your show i'm actually on the. job right now. gang boy nelson out there and it's. halfway to christmas. let's hear more and just want to remind. you. it's halfway to christmas buddy am i. here uh freelance elephant again. swinging these letters uh and i just. want to say you've been keeping me going.

man appreciate what you do. and uh keep on keeping on brother gang. gang gang papa nelson out there. and nelson bro he's uh that's that's uh. jolly old saint nelsonless saint nicka. nelson right there dude my man. halfway to christmas nelson bro htc. nelson there there. and yeah it's that time of year people. don't realize.

you know the mailman he's been laying. low you know he's been at the house a. lot. you know having fruit roll-ups you know. storing nuts in his cheeks doing. calf lifts and in the garage. trying to get ready get keyed up get. ready. because the second half of the year they. start training. you'll see a mailman at night running. down the street with a huge sack of. [ __ ] nothing bro. then a couple weeks later you'll see him.

out there with a sack of uh. you know fake bricks or something a. little bit more than nothing. they start training you'll see a mailman. get a big bag and start. you know stretching it out making sure. testing really testing the. the guttural strength of a bag. and they did they they getting ready. we don't know that mailman that they. want to you know a lot of mailmen. they just they just want to be of. service man.

a lot of mailmen they they're gonna go. they get they dropping off something. good. make a little larry happy you know. suddenly a bunch of kids in town need a. game boy because somebody stole all. their game boys. and that's daniel bruh and you know. daniel man he makes his own choices. and you gotta you gotta love the mailman. when you see that guy you salute him huh. you that's that overnight bad boy that's. that second day air.

you gotta hit him up with that bail. you know anybody also these guys there. all day they got perfume. samples in the bag they huffing those. [ __ ]. a mailman there's no way. if i'm not a mailman that i ain't. getting hopped up on. uh perfume samples all day. dude i'll be you know i'll drop a. package here drop a package there. next thing you know i do about four open.

that thing up and do about four hits of. cool water cologne right there to the. dome. right just do nine hits that uh that. burberry stout or whatever. dude i'd be so high on perfume samples. bruh i deliver the mail and then go. undeliver it dude i'll deliver i [ __ ]. i'll put four. rainbow four uh reindeers in front of my. mail truck and. and just drive that [ __ ] around and. feed them [ __ ] beer and give them. little hits. give them a hits of uh of um.

what else they got uh that ralph lauren. that polo scent scent hit him with that. fresh fresh by the face. face for the snout boy come on. it's different man we living. it's halfway to christmas and thank you. nelson for reminding us. so let's get in the spirit now don't be. one of these december these grinches. man don't be one of these grinches it's. an inch to christmas and they get.

now they're getting a little bit ready. but i'm starting. early surely. let's take one more call here here we go. onward hey theo. this is matt from kentucky hey matthew. thank you for calling in and it's. beautiful over there beautiful hill. country over there. in lexington man wanna it's a real real. special place over there onward. i was fortunate enough to see you uh. last. uh last year like november december down.

in lexington kentucky. down at the uh comedy off broadway. and man you killed it the question. i have man is uh i want to know. something that. i'm shocked nobody has asked so far. theo buddy are you happy man. i love you bob i love you. love you too man i appreciate you coming. out there um. and while you were talking i was just.

thinking too uh i want to. just let everybody know i hope y'all are. staying dry and safe that's caught up in. the storm and been dealing with barry. you know barry he you know. you don't know and things can get happen. you got water in the house and. suddenly you know your kids are you know. they're playing water games or they're. doing white. water rafting off of the dish cabinet or. something.

you got to make the most of it if you. can but i hope everybody's staying safe. and put some floaties on put you put. some floaties on your loved ones when. you tuck them in the bed. because uh mother nature you know she. wants to work with us. but she fiery. you know how these miatas can be. sometimes. and she's feisty she's gonna flex man. mother nature's gonna flex. uh am i happy you know ah you know. what's so funny i. i mean um i think i'm always thinking.

about this i think. everybody's always thinking are they. happy hmm. you know i don't know man i don't i. don't know if i'm happy with this. episode of this podcast. i've been feeling overwhelmed recently. man i've been feeling like. um you know a lot of it is i've just. been feeling like i. you know i used to i felt before like i. knew exactly who i was and then.

as things have gotten busier with work. sometimes i don't know uh. i still know who i am but um i just need. to focus more on. i just i don't need to focus more but i. just need to do more things of service. to be. of service i think uh. i think that'll make me happier you know. on tuesday i got a thing i'm going to do. um movie night over by the ronald. mcdonald house. and ronald mcdonald he don't do just. burgers man they do uh.

they have a good charitable organization. where they house people that. i have family members that are in icu. and stuff like that and you can go. and so they put them up in this hotel. that's free. and it's uh and so they have all these. families and these children that stay in. the hotels while the kids are getting. long-term. care at hospitals and so. you know i decided i was gonna go i used. to do tuesday nights over there and so. i'm starting back uh this week.

so i'm excited about that before king. and the sting we're doing king and the. sting uh just a live show it's just me. and brendan. but we're doing that live um. and uh and we're gonna do i'm gonna go. to the ronald mcdonald house before we. do a movie night so i'm excited about. that. you know i think i just need to make. sure that i focus on doing things that. do make me feel good. i think i feel a lot of responsibility. because i've been given.

you know you get more opportunities. you know as as my career has changed in. the past year. i feel uh. you know i feel like i can do more. at the same time i feel like i need to. find ways to. be happy with what's going on you know i. just want to.

i don't know man am i happy yes yes i am. i'm very happy man i get to go. you know i'm happy i'm happy when i get. oh man i got off stage on friday night. or saturday night. man i just saw so many people in the. hall and it was just great we just had a. great time. you know i just i i just love seeing. people be happy they come out with their. wives. people some people came out their first. show they'd never even been out to a. show before this fella sebastian. somebody else. this other guy and his brother you know. a couple they've never been to a show. before.

they've never been to a comedy show and. then they come out and laugh. and i don't feel like oh you know look. at me i just feel like oh man we. because i need them to laugh for me to. feel okay so we're out here this is a. this is a team effort and that kind of. stuff does does make me really happy. i think the things that i'll let get. into me that make me unhappy are. if i start thinking other people should. be a certain way that's the kind of. stuff i don't like. like if i get caught up like in too much.

like thinking about political stuff. or you know thinking that i know. something that. that i know more than others. man i i may have different experiences. but ever. you know that doesn't mean that i know. anything else more. you know everybody can learn something. from everybody else and. um and also i gotta realize some stuff. it's not my battle it's not my fight. you know it's not my.

you know i just can't i need to do what. i can do around those are. that are close to me um to be loving. i need to you know i'd like to be less. hard on myself people always remind me. of that and thank you for all the nice. messages that i get about that kind of. stuff. um. [Music]. you know i just it hurts me when people. when i see you know young guy. i mean when i see anybody that's. struggling. you know and it just makes me.

you know we can just do better i think. and i'm not saying you can do better i'm. just saying. and then all i can do is just do better. you know this is life this is a it's. it's a great opportunity right to be. alive. and uh. but yeah i just feel i guess some sense. of responsibility that. um since i have some sort of a platform.

not that i could tell anybody what to do. or how to be or anything. but i do feel uh. i don't know i guess i feel some. responsibility to um. well it's like i i just want to. i don't know man it's like i i i am. happy. you know i am happy i just um.

i'm grateful for you know for for the. fun stuff i get to do. i get to be in this fun circle where. like dude i get to talk to joe rogan. sometimes i get to. um dude i get to meet single moms who. you know and and and give him a hug like. i wanted to hug my mom when i was young. and just. you know or be a part or like you know. help out with our. patreon group and help to you know do. you know try and do something nice for. them. like yeah i get to do a lot of things.

that make me feel good. um but i think there's something in me. that always wants her to be something. else i always want to keep moving the. carrot. uh and i think like. you know i want to be able to you know. that's why i put. i decided i want to go do the ronald. mcdonald house again and start that back. up because. i need something also to just make sure. that i stay in a place. um where i realize like what's important.

you know for me you know i don't want to. get disconnected man i don't ever want. to. uh. i don't ever want to look at somebody. that needs help. and think like uh you know or uh. or or look at anybody like that. you know that's the same way that i felt. like people looked at me a lot of my. life. you know people always think like oh you. know that.

you know i can only speak from my. perception that like you know poor white. kids have you know they have all this. opportunity everybody has that just if. they have a white skin they have this. opportunity or. everybody struggles man everybody i. don't care who they are. i don't care if they're wealthy i don't. care if they're not i don't care it. doesn't matter. you know struggles that hunter baby. struggles that hunter. and it gots all the you know it got to. all the weaponry.

i just don't you know i don't want to. miss the opportunity to be. used to be helpful. that's what it is man that's it that. would make me happy you know if i know. that each day i try to. put myself in a position. or show up enough to the day. where if i can be helpful to somebody. else that. not only am i excited about it but i'm. willing to do it.

and and of course that'll never happen. all the time it'll. never happen but. but that would make you know that that. that's kind of what makes me feel good. you know it just makes me feel good dude. it just makes me. because the truth is that's a lot of. what's going on dude uh. you know i wish that the that people. know what's going on.

you know i get upset sometimes at the. media and all that kind of [ __ ] they. don't care they don't know. they're in a business but i feel like. people know what's going on. and i feel like we're headed in a good. direction man i feel like there's a lot. of. man there's a lot of love on the streets. and there's a lot more right around the. corner bro. so i don't even know if that answers. your question man i don't even know what. i'm talking about. but but i know that for me my battle is. like just making sure that i'm just. taking care of myself enough to be. to be present enough so i'm not missing.

an opportunity. um to be of service in some way because. that makes me feel good. you know it makes me feel good uh so. anyway i'm kind of rambling but. let's take another call that came in. right here and then um. and then maybe we'll scoot off of this. episode and. and man uh thank you guys so much. halfway to christmas i'm gonna have to. start thinking about what i want you. know. yo what up ceo my name is connor i'm. from i'm from. pittsburgh and uh today is actually my.

my 22nd birthday. oh awesome man happy 22nd connor. um oh and it's conor mcgregor's birthday. i think was yesterday. so that's kind of crazy and um i just. wanted to say that. i'm a massive fan my uh my brother. actually got me into you. and uh this past year has been a been a. pretty uh tough year for me i uh. our mom's been battling cancer and and. um i really just wanted to. to use this outlet to kind of thank my. brother because he's been the most.

amazing person. through the whole situation and i've. been at college so i don't have a whole. lot of money so he's been. he takes me out every weekend he shows. me a good time and he's helped me. through a really rough breakup and. he's just the most amazing guy he flew. us out to denver. to visit our cousin and um i just wanted. to spread a little bit of positivity. because. you know he's a huge listener and he got. me into you and he gave me a laugh every. every monday and thursday. and um i just really wanted to say thank. you and.

you know have a great week man gang. gang gang bro that's cool man well. that's nice that your brother cares like. that. that's cool man that's cool bro. that's cool that you got you know your. brother you guys are out there. you guys are on the front lines for the. family you know you got cancer on the. you know on the horizon but you guys got. it in your scopes with your hearts and. you guys are caring about each other. dude and just trying you know. man it's crazy how much my brother is it. makes me think of my own brother.

and i'm sure there's a lot of people who. live you know whoever's listening to. this. this [ __ ] right now that uh. are thinking about their brother man. dude my brother used to make me listen. to all of his music that's the only. thing i knew about music. it's still only kind of type of music i. really even know people ask me about. music. i'm like uh i don't i listen to maybe. rodney james dio. tesla you know i listen to some nwa i. listen um.

i listen to whatever my brother listened. to. you know it's funny when you're young. and stuff you just want to be your. brother so bad even if he beats you. like damn my brother beat my ass but. damn bruh. he's awesome you know you just want to. be your brother so bad it's so. interesting how that happens at that age. you know it's a special gift i know. there's a lot of single uh you know not. single kids out there but. uh hopefully there's a ton of single. kids out there but.

um but there's a lot of kid children. that. you know they don't um what am i talking. about. there's a lot of kids that uh. yeah [ __ ] i don't know man but that's. nice dude it's nice that you care about. your brother and i'm glad that he. listens and i'm glad that you listen and. and i'm glad you guys are out there i'm. glad you got a teammate in the world. that's what i'm saying there's a lot of. kids that are just they're only children. and they only children so they don't. really get that opportunity so. it's like we all have this different.

gift man we all have some people got a. gift some of it's on the inside some of. it's on the outside. some of us have a brother some of us. don't some of us have a sister. some of us have two children some of us. can't have children. some of us can juggle some of us can't. read. dude the guy that can't read oh yeah. sucks a lot of the times. but when he walks back by a [ __ ]. bookstore and feels. no uh regret. gold mine of comfort there's all the.

every the two sides to the sword. you know there's two sides to every. sword bro and we just. you know i don't know [ __ ] i don't know. anything oh. isn't that amazing but i know that you. care about your brother. and that makes me feel good because it. makes me think about my brother dude. my brother's such a weird guy bro he's. so hard on himself dude but he's such a. loving guy. and uh and he tries his best and.

you know and we just he and i were hard. on ourselves because we don't. you know we developed our own sense of. what was okay or what wasn't and we. didn't. you know nobody was nobody was hard on. us or easy on us. and so we didn't even know and and our. brains don't want to leave. you know sometimes if you develop your. own thing in your head. that thing can sometimes be mean. you know and but i know man my brother's. like my. you know he's my idol now and he's not. perfect i need and i'm. and i'm far from that and and we never.

will be but. you know we have these little moments. and times where. you know he's just everything i always. wanted him to be and i'll never. probably fully be able to let him know. that but. but that's some of my journey you know i. get to be a brother in this lifetime. man that's cool you know i get to call. somebody who has the same blood i have. in my body in their body. and let them know hey man you know how's. that flow going bro we're riding on.

on a risky river aren't we. but this blood is category four rapids. right now in it brother we boiling. or whatever's going on anyway. i'm rambling but uh. thank you guys so much for being a part. of this episode uh. whatever that even means i feel like. it's just. sometimes i like go in and like turn it. into like a radio dj. i don't know uh congrats to uriah faber.

on his win. man i'll say this about uriah faber dude. i've shaken. i bet probably 6 000 people's hands in. my life. the strongest and heaviest hand. i've ever shook in my whole life. uriah fabers that guy has a damn. 19 pound hand. i mean that guy uh. you look he got some real.

he's real real handsy that fella um. he's one of a kind man and congrats to. him for coming back just. for having that that you know giving. himself that chance and taking that risk. that's brave. you know i'm fascinated by people that. are brave around me. constantly and uh and thank you guys for. calling in. uh you guys be good to yourselves man. i'm gonna try it we're gonna make it. we're gonna make it i'm gonna play this. on the way out actually because you know.

uh this is bishop gun uh making it. i ain't seen home in about a hundred. days i can almost. mama pray for my restless soul. and i made a dollar i ain't spent but. well it's going ain't.

killed me yet i still get where i'm. bound to go. [Music]. i'm making good time.

[Music]. gang gang man most all of my plans. slip right through my hands. [Music].

[Music]. i wouldn't wear pants if i was out there. if i was a singer. but i'm making it. [Music]. good time.

halfway to christmas guys we can do it. we can do it we got this. make a good time.

i'm left here alone in my. [Music]. but i'm in pretty good shape. for the shape that i'm in. [Music].

i'm making you. i'm making good time.

i make a good time. [Music]. i promise you i promise you we all. hundred days. i can almost.

we're all gonna make it man. we all we're all special edmund we're. all special needs. you know we all. you know but santa's coming bro. gang man you guys be good to yourselves. thank you for being here for me today.

you.