Blair Socci | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #375

welcome to the show today guys i want to. let you know that i have some tour dates. if you want to see me in live in the. live space visual. real time they call it irl. jacksonville florida february 2nd i'll. be there saint petersburg florida. february 3rd. orlando florida february 5th. lafayette indiana february 24th rockford. illinois february 25th chicago illinois. february 26th.

tulsa oklahoma oh that's sold out now. may 6th we may add one there and then. los angeles california at the wilton may. 7th. that is all return of the rat tour you. can grab those tickets or until now. theovonne.com. tour today's guest is a comedian and a. licensed breath work. teacher um i've been taking classes with. her and i'm really excited that she's. here uh miss blair. sake.

[Music]. [Music]. [Applause]. [Music]. [Applause].

oh wow it's not intuitive don't worry. what do you mean intuitive like you. would think it's sochi. yeah i mean oh so i shouldn't feel bad. if since i didn't get it right. yeah. yeah i guess i'll always in my head have. been calling you blair sochi yeah. whatever you want yeah um yeah it's good. i think i could see you being either one. yeah some of my best friends don't even. know how it's pronounced i don't really.

care yeah. um. so i know you we i know you've through. breathwork you you you. i know you do stand up comedy right and. but then. a friend of mine turned me on to you. recently about uh about doing breath. work yeah and i didn't know anything. about it and so i was like well what is. it you know. so. what is it. okay uh well yeah i started breath work. sort of at the beginning of the pandemic.

uh. i just love i love learning i'm like. really curious person and i took a few. classes and sort of my mind was blown. uh. and then later on i i took a course a. certification course just because i. wanted to learn more about it i never. ever thought i would teach it or use it. or anything. um but basically it's like holotropic. breathing. and um. holotropic yeah and it's like this you. move your mic down just a little bit so. it's not in front of your face yeah okay.

is that better can you see or is that. okay okay uh. and it's like a two-part it's a two-part. technique as you know through the mouth. and. uh you breathe deeply into the belly and. then a chest breath on top and then um. you know a easy exhale okay so i go so. it's inhale through the mouth yeah all. through the mouth nothing through the. nose okay. so stomach and then chest. and then exhale yeah yeah and then you.

just try to keep a rhythm through the. whole thing and it just um. you know it alkalizes your. blood in a different way uh. than you're used to and all sorts of. crazy [ __ ] happens so do you know what. happens because the first time that we. did it you and i did it yesterday we've. done three sessions yeah. and um and thank you for that it's been. really interesting yeah dawg uh the. yesterday yeah my hands everything gets.

real hard right like i can't even like. move my hands it almost feels like um um. like if you see a dead body or something. yeah they call it lobster claws it's. tetany and it's just because you know. there's a different amount of co2 in. your blood than usual it's called tetany. yeah you pull that up from your usual uh. breathing okay yeah so it's a big. difference in how much co2 is in your. body than your regular state of. breathing and so your hands go like that.

but it's not nothing is wrong with that. there's nothing. that's going to happen and is it. poisonous because we used to sleep at my. buddy jeff's house and they had a. co2 leak i guess in his house or. something and we would sleep for like. literally 36 hours everywhere. that's really i'm glad you're still. alive yeah um yeah yeah definitely he's. alive also. that's really good but is that that's is. that co2 the car is that. no that's i mean that's an external co2.

gas this is just. produced within your body so you're safe. but you know like if it is it is. sometimes a sign that you're going too. hard like you're being too forceful. especially on the exhale like. if you get too much of the technique. yeah yeah okay so let's bring it up i. just want to be able to see what it is. just so um. there you go. if you have experienced cosmic breath. work you may have experienced tetany. tetany is characterized by cramping.

tightening tingling. paralyzing or numbing sensations of the. hands and or feet and even the face. oh wow so yeah i do remember now my face. got and my neck started to feel a little. bit like hard and tight yeah if this. does occur during cosmic breath work. note that it is very common and should. not be feared but what's happening. what's causing it it's just like a. dramatic increase of co2 okay into your. butt but i don't mind it like when i'm. doing breath work i just know i kind of. like it because i know it's working it's. sort of like when you're at the gym yeah.

and you know you feel like botox like a. little yeah i mean. what i just what i love about it is i. just didn't even know that your body. could feel these ways or that you could. get to this stage just from breathing. right like i feel high after like i. don't know. uh well i don't know how many drugs. you've done but like it feels high like. it's really good yeah i've done it i've. done it almost i haven't done cry i've. never. i have never done crack i always.

honestly always wanted to smoke crack. but um i've never wanted to but who. knows but i've never smoked crack before. but um. some of my buddy said but i've never. gotten into it you know uh but uh. but anyway yes so so yeah cause i i. didn't realize that so you're about yeah. i did feel after yesterday i felt really. high. i just felt really like. i don't know what i felt like i. definitely felt altered like in an. altered state yeah and the first time i. did it i mean i just.

like it. i don't know what happened that was. different the first time but. it literally like i was at the end like. balling like just like. there was such a release of like um. i don't know what is that what happens. well colin and i were talking about it. before and he was saying he cries every. time and it's like you can go into a. session feeling great and then it'll. unlock something just like the energy. whatever you know hurt or. uh pain is in your body that you're not.

even aware of your conscious mind. um so i cry a lot of times when i do it. and it's just like every time i'm so. surprised. um. it's crazy yeah i heard the first time i. did it i yeah i was like and then i had. to go to breakfast after with somebody. and so i was like and i kept moving the. breakfast back like 15 minutes i'm. literally sitting in my hotel room like. and i just like i just couldn't help but. just had all these feelings and. everything was so like raw it just felt. like it's like raw meat totally you know.

yeah and then i had to go on jocko. willink who's like a navy seal guy to do. his podcast that day. and i walk in there like the complete. opposite of a navy seal i was like. i was oh. it was very it was a tough day to be in. front of like the toughest guys i think. i told you that they'll like expect to. be really raw after i mean sometimes the. sessions aren't that deep like i'll have. one and i'll i'll be like really wanting. to have some.

like. excavating experience and it's just not. that but then sometimes it really. [ __ ] hits you yeah it blew my mind i. didn't know that something like that. could happen i didn't know. it just shocked me i didn't know that. that that much of you could have that. much of a release yeah i didn't know it. either i was stunned what uh what led. you to even want to learn about it. uh well. one i'm just a really curious person i. love trying new things especially uh.

you know with my body or. spirituality or. you know. healing or wellness um as i get older i. take a lot better care of myself. especially with comedy and traveling so. much and. everything um but yeah i started reading. a book it's a famous one called the body. keeps score and it's basically the. premise is about how trauma is stored in. our bodies and. so. when i kept getting recommended breath.

work because you bypass your conscious. mind like i've been in talk therapy. forever yeah so it's it's not good a lot. of times well it's just like you a lot. of times you're not getting like you can. talk about things without feeling. anything. oh interesting yeah and the feeling part. is what. makes you able to pass through something. i agree i need to have the feelings. about things so it's like when someone's. giving me information that never helps. me it's like my therapist i work best. with therapists that are able to like.

trick me into having a moment where i. have a feeling and then it's like. yeah and then you can move through it. right yeah. we don't even realize how much we avoid. feeling feelings. and so like i think that's another part. of breath work it's like we're always on. our [ __ ] phones we're always doing. [ __ ] like first thing now yeah or. feelings are like sasquatches now yeah. it's crazy it's like well i think i had. a feeling what do you see any pictures. of it right and it's just in the. distance like that. i think also there's like an element of.

panic around it because we do so little. of it right a lot of times yeah it's. crazy how quickly we're getting away. from like the things that are very human. yeah and then how almost alarmed we are. when they come up yeah. um. and then how we create so many medicines. and everything to like keep them at bay. right like whether it's like. uh antidepressants or even like ever all. the women are on like uh the that little. birth control nugget or whatever. nowadays you know so it's like.

everybody you know it's like uh yeah so. it's anything that has like it's a. natural thing we have like oh we gotta. i'm really aware of it now like that. i've gotten into mindfulness and i. meditate a lot i'm really into. meditation and um i will be like oh i'm. reaching for my phone sometimes and it's. not because i actually intentionally. want to go on my phone it's just habit. and avoidance and like not wanting to. sit and be present or silent or bored.

you know. yeah it's gotten so addictive um i. noticed it too i just started really. getting into meditation pretty good i. think about the past three weeks i've. been doing really well with it oh that's. great and i noticed like a little moment. there's like it's like a. millisecond between me doing something. and me. really realizing that i'm doing. something it's just like there's a. little bit of realization in there right. like oh like why are you like what are. you doing right now right and it's just. god it's almost such a relief because. for so long i've just been.

doing and almost don't even like just. reactive everything feels so reactive. yeah it's it's so much doing instead of. just being yeah which sounds [ __ ]. trite but it's true. yeah um so where do you start comedy you. started in i started in new york oh you. did yeah you new york city person yeah. okay well i'm from orange county. california oh damn we are pretty rich. um. i hope to be more rich were you folks.

pretty well off um they did well yeah. yeah what kind of jobs did they have um. my dad is in real estate oh nice yeah. and my mom uh. took care of us yeah yeah were they oh. she got to be a stay-at-home mom yeah oh. that's cool. yeah that's pretty cool were they like. an orange like was it like as soon as. you think about those oh the orange. county couple you know or like the. people get fancy down there kind of you. know it's just like some of the areas. you know yeah newport and stuff it gets. kind of fancy um my parents like my.

parents didn't grow up with money. they're. they work really hard they're really. hard workers uh but yeah it could be. like that it's a strange place i didn't. quite understand until i moved away what. it really i mean i just grew up surfing. and playing volleyball that was like. really my. life yeah yeah um and so at what point. did you kind of think about comedy or. like. what kind of led you to maybe. did you know when you were younger that. you had that ability like what where.

does it come from for you yeah well i'm. the youngest and only girl i have older. brothers and they had like a million. friends and i my family is like hyper. masculine like just the way i grew up. was like hunting fishing like sports and. so that was like sort of my currency to. just be a really good athlete and funny. to have any value in the family right. yeah yeah sometimes you create funny. because it's like oh i need to have some. sort of value yeah to even be allowed to.

share air with my older brothers wow. yeah and you know they were so [ __ ]. cool and surfing and skating and like. uh great athletes and yeah and they tall. too yeah. my parents are like. these adonis people too they're like. very hot incredible shape. yeah it was like a nightmare to even be. like a little ugly at any point in my.

life. yeah they have [ __ ] abs now oh my god. now 60s wow yeah i mean it's that level. that's wild yeah and did y'all live in. like newport or something around there. no we didn't live in newport we lived in. um san juan capistrano area oh yeah. that's pretty sometimes the train goes. by there yeah yeah and it looks really. nice or by saying clementi. yeah yeah sometime i see the train when. it goes by there it's like i always want. to get off right there just seem like a. nice little like kind of romantic spot. or something it is it's beautiful.

um. so then see you you go to school down. there you and then when did you start. doing stand-up. uh. so. i started. in my mid well i went to uh new york for. grad school to be a novelist oh really i. didn't ever know that i was gonna start. comedy there was no intention i had i. didn't see my first comedy show till i. was 25. uh i had never been exposed to. comedy orange county is not like.

a. cultural hotbed in any way it just like. wasn't in my sphere. um and i started dating a dude. right before i left for new york white. guy. yes. why. oh why don't we try to get some idea who. the guy is you know i just don't wanna i. bet you're briefly you're probably uh. aware of who he is but um oh okay so be. a comedian guy yeah oh she started. dating a comedian and he got but he. wasn't really a comedian yet he had just.

like started open mics but he basically. like introduced me to comedy and then i. moved to new york we broke up and um i. was interviewing comedians because i was. a writer. and just like one day like six months. later i was interviewing michael che i. was his first inner piece of press ever. and like i was asking these questions. that in hindsight or someone who wanted. to start but my brain hadn't told me. that i didn't realize that yeah and then. like a couple days later in the shower i.

had the thought and then i just started. and you just started where did you take. a class did you go to a um. i took a class which they don't teach. you anything it's basically the only. benefit is that no one else in there has. done it and so you're not afraid of. looking [ __ ] dumb and you're doing it. you're going to a place i took a class. so you're going to a place each week and. doing it yeah so there's a lot of value. in that and at the graduation the class. did you was it one where you guys got up. on stage at the end yeah yeah yeah it. was at gotham. and it just sort of was like an. immediate thing and i was like oh this.

is it. i still finished my master's degree. because i didn't know it was gonna end. up being my career. just like lit money on fire but um and. you were living in new york city yeah. wow yeah and were you partying pretty. hard what's the part i mean it must have. been pretty sick right yeah it was it. was really cool and just like at that. point you know in new york it's such a. good place to start everyone says it's. not because you want to start in like a. small market but there was so much stage.

time like all my friends we would just. be like drinking going a bunch of mics. it was really [ __ ] fun. and did you feel like it was male. dominated did you feel like it was like. what do you think about that kind of. stuff when people because there's a lot. of some women i think use that as like a. or some people use like their whatever. their thing that's different about them. as like a. we we're not there's not enough of us. represented does it feel like a male. dominated business to you. i mean it is a male dominated business. but that just never really crossed my.

mind because i felt right at home given. the way i grew up and i never felt. interested you grew up in a male. dominant oh my god yeah i was like i'm. thriving right now like i never i was. not intimidated by any i was like oh. like i'm gonna be. afraid of this [ __ ] dork right i was. like. they were a virgin until they were 22. i. don't [ __ ] care you know. but i love them yeah i loved it i loved. the whole thing and like i loved being. around so many different types of people.

that i was. not around growing up yeah yeah oh yeah. but yeah you know in new york you get in. any of the big cities you get like all. types yeah yeah because i really started. out here kind of in los angeles so oh. you did yeah so i think i can relate to. that like just there's so many different. types of people come passing through and. like you see so many people that start. out they start and then they get into. something else or it's like right you. see so many people's little career paths. kind of deter here and there you know my. hair is falling out. i swear i saw some of it the other day i.

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t-h-e-o. was there a time where you kind of knew. that it was we really felt like okay. this is this is kind of fitting in my. life or was there a time like in the. beginning where you were like this is. not uh. this is not really working for me. no i just sort of. clicked right away and then like i. uh. got cast on an mtv show like. almost less than two years in and um was. it the one that just made paluso did.

that show no it was a spin-off of girl. code it was only a girl code banner but. it was a prank show nice yeah and that. sort of just started things and um yeah. and so that's and so then you've just. been doing it since then yeah do you. feel like i know we talk you mentioned. like or i mentioned i think about it's. male dominant does it feel like a why do. you think comedy is male dominated or. does it feel male dominated. well i think the act of comedy itself is. extremely masculine thing you're walking.

on stage and and you're like yeah what i. have to say. is important and you guys will respond. to it like the whole thing is extremely. masculine in itself. um. yeah it's almost like a combat you're. almost going to a war in a way yeah it. feels like yeah um. in combat was stereotypically has always. been a male thing right kind of you know. yeah it's changing yeah you know but i. think like if you look at like kind of.

like the. archetypes or whatever then it's usually. a man out there you know yeah and i. think also. uh the the population in the country. really i mean it's also changing in this. way because of podcasting and um online. specials and social media and all this. stuff but like before i started a comedy. i was maybe aware of five comedians yeah. and they're only the top five big like. you're not really aware of the um comedy. landscape right and so i don't think.

people really have been exposed to that. um many female comedians and i don't. like to think about it because i don't. want to. have that perspective i don't think it's. helpful for me yeah to be like no no. one's gonna you know whatever i have a. [ __ ] but um i do notice it sometimes. like online. where you'll see like youtube comments. or something and you're like oh the rest. of the country only thinks. men are funny just naturally it's just.

like a misogynist thing yeah and but. also who gives a [ __ ] about them you. have your own audience whatever yeah i. think i mean well finding your own. audience is key i mean i think different. places i i think. and i don't even know if it's the rest. of the country thing i don't know it's. like. it always seems like i here's what i. think sometimes as when i think about. male and female comedians. i always men it always seems like. they are.

and maybe this is just because i've seen. this in television and film over the. years but they're like the goofball. they're the. the [ __ ] you know they're the bat. bumbling um you know yeah i know what. you mean and so you don't mind if. something happens to the bumbling. you don't mind if that guy steps in a. fire slips on a banana peel. for me the thing that always. and this was the same thing about you. watching ufc women i didn't like it at. first i didn't like it because it felt.

like i didn't think oh these people. shouldn't be able to do this right i. think anybody should do whatever they. want it just was like i always thought. of women as like mom yeah exactly and. like a sister right so when you think. about oh man my sister you know it it's. a male instead of yours it's your. sister's getting in a fight that you. help or like. and then comedy i always felt like was. such an uncomfort. i think also so it was like man this is. so uncomfortable you don't a woman. doesn't need to go through this.

that's what my dad said like i should. put my if i see a woman walking on stage. i should put my coat down over like you. know yeah so that she has a gentleman. step in the state you know or step in. the the so i think there's a lot of that. i don't know if it's that. for me it was never that women. shouldn't do this. but i did always i think and it wasn't a. choice i made no it's an unconscious. bias like for you you're saying it's. like a certain fragility that you're. worried. about. yeah i just felt like why do we like.

why do women have to do why do they need. to uh endure this. that's literally what my dad said to me. like when i first started he's like. you're one of the smartest people i've. ever met why are you choosing to put. your life in a basement with drunks and. fuck-ups. and i was like fair fair point you know. but also it's just like it is what it is. it's like uh like my i think what you're. saying is totally real like because i. feel that way that i'm received that way.

in orange county because they cannot. fathom that a woman would not my own. focus and priority would not be to be. married with three kids right now right. and like my family's never seen me my. brothers have but my my parents have. never seen me do comedy before. wow or any of my tv stuff either well. here's something also that happens a lot. of women start doing comedy right and. i'm probably going to receive hell for. this because it's a very it's a. generalization here's something that i.

sometimes feel. could be realistic and i don't know here. we go um. and they and then the first thing they. do is beat this woman drum. instead of beating the comedy drum you. know it's like. um. you mean off stage. yeah kind of it's like i'm a female like. somebody'll been doing it a month and. they're big and they're just like i you. just start getting into like. this i'm a and i think maybe it was a. kind of a fad that happened for a while.

it was like um. and maybe women needed to maybe they. need to do that to make sure that. they're seen in like a in like a. male-dominated environment you know but. i feel like sometimes uh. people will lean so much on any whatever. it is that makes them. like oh i'm southern or i'm a woman or i. was on fire you know you see some guy. and he's got skin grafts he's like i was. on fire you know that's his big thing. and he's like you know. fire shows you know we're doing. everybody who's on been on fire ever you. got to be on you know you're on the fire.

lineup only yeah you know. victim you know like somebody neck brace. line you know it's neck brace night at. the [ __ ]. um. and i don't think it's a bad i'm not. saying it's a bad thing i don't know. what i'm saying exactly. i guess i'm saying some people attach. themselves so much to something. that they. forget that what they're doing is that. you we still have to do the thing yeah i. mean i feel two ways i'm not saying that. about you no i don't think you've never. even seen me do comedy yeah.

i wonder if that's true or not. i don't think so. uh. but yeah i. i want to be aware of [ __ ] and sometimes. i can feel things. like a lot of times. when i'm in a green room i mean less now. that i'm like more known but. like immediately when you walk in a. green room if it's like a older comic or. a famous com they think that you're the. girlfriend of another dude. and it's just like but like that's not.

something i'm gonna get upset about but. i can feel it immediately when i walk in. or um. when i'm on stage like you know comedy. though is a meritocracy like it's an. instantaneous reaction if you're not. good it's very apparent yeah. and like yeah i think so but then the. industry also started to adjust where. they're just picking people because of. things. and that i think has certainly loosened. up i think some of the meritocracy of it. yeah that is a. true. like it's much more diverse in in tv and.

everything and movies and opportunities. and stuff um and i think that's a good. thing i don't think people should. you know necessarily get something. uh. for. without. handing value but i like the diverse. perspective. but. yeah i don't know yeah i think it's good. because i do think it's good in the. sense that it helps like um. it does help diversify things some you.

know it's like it helps like. uh plant seeds and people who maybe they. also need inspiration they're young in. their career or it's like maybe a face. you wouldn't normally get to see because. things are so. if things are so often the same way you. know. it gives different people opportunities. i think it's less. less uh. stand-up is less driven by that than you. know say television right just hollywood. in general yeah like you see i don't see. these lineups or whatever and i'm like. yeah that wasn't the um designing factor.

yeah. um yeah it's interesting it's. interesting because i wonder yeah why do. i sometimes feel like or what are some. of the things that make me feel like. it's a man sport or that it makes i. think yeah i think those are the things. for me about that it's like there's some. fragility to it that you don't want it's. like a. i mean i don't know you well but you. seem. like the. area of comedy that you roll in is hyper.

masculine and the people that you're. friends with. yeah. i guess so yeah i mean i have some. female comedian friends you know um. [Music]. but i guess yeah i mean i guess more of. my comedian friends are probably man. probably. yeah i mean that makes sense yeah are. more years women you think. uh no i have like a mix i mean. i always say like i don't really like. being a woman.

the the best part about being a woman is. female friendship like my. girlfriends in comedy are it's just like. the best thing in the world because. we're not really like it's such a uh. it's such a. distinct uh way of life that many people. don't understand and especially like. growing older as a woman uh people can't. really understand like why you would. want to do it so it's like you really. understand each other in a way that. other people don't right but um no i.

love all my guy friends and yeah. yeah it's interesting it's so there's. also so few people that do it yeah um. [Music]. there's when you think about it like. even when you said like there's you know. you know like five minutes until you get. into comedy and then you realize so many. people have know nothing about comedy. totally you're like in the world so you. know you start to like but then there's. some people have no idea about like they. couldn't like chris right they would. just name chris rock like yeah eddie. murphy you know.

yeah they wouldn't know robin right yeah. you know um they have one point of. reference like uh a lot of my. girlfriends uh and i joke about it but. like so many people will be like and. they'll be trying to compliment you but. it's [ __ ] rude they'll be like you're. like a more funny amy schumer or like a. less funny amy schumer whatever it is. they're just comparing you and it's like. you could just say good job right. [ __ ] yeah people don't know how i mean. i think some people also they just don't. know that much you know like you're.

saying if they're trying to give you a. com some people are bad at compliments. yeah it's always like backhanded or. whatever but it's the point is that they. have one woman and she has blonde hair. right and so they immediately they're. like i have to make that association and. i have to tell it directly to this. person yeah yeah yeah i wonder what is. it what is that in people that makes. them that makes us feel like we have to. do that sometimes. um. i think it's just because you want to. try to feel connected you want to try to. share something you know it's.

interesting because if an old person. says it you'll give them less grief than. you would if like a young person says it. yeah um. that's how i tried to think about like. online comments you know like if you see. a crazy person yelling in the street. where they're like you're a [ __ ]. [ __ ] you know what i mean and i'm like. i didn't take that in well i was just. like that person's out of their [ __ ]. mind right but if you see it online. but that's why i treat them like oh. they're not well they're commenting on a. person they don't know they've never met. who would do that take the time in their.

day to do that yeah yeah. who do i see the other night oh jessica. michelle singleton is so funny have you. seen her perform before yeah i liked us. good jesus christ dude it was one of the. best sets i've seen in so long oh that's. so nice she's so sweet too she's such a. good person it was f ah it was so funny. man that's great yeah it made me feel. like damn. it was just really really impressive um. yeah i wonder why else i've ever thought. like that maybe because also when i was. growing up they didn't have like i guess. you had i'm trying to think of female.

comics that i saw growing up. joan rivers yup joan rivers paula. poundstone yeah i remember um. roseanne who i loved who was like. probably one of my favorites. uh. they've always had a good deal of female. comedians though. i guess like they didn't used to have. that many comedians that people knew. about yeah sarah silverman. yeah yeah. i think hollywood's always done a decent. job of putting up. probably a like pretty diverse group.

except when it gets outside of black. white and female. after those i feel like it kind of fell. off. now it's different. i think now things have been changing. and going in a great direction but like. the women before me. they always said like you know they. could be better than some dudes in clubs. like around the country wouldn't. headline them because they said like. people wouldn't come. you know so it's like based on like but. then who's that is that anybody's fault.

though or is that just business like you. can't it's business but it's [ __ ]. dumb because it's not based on. necessarily on talent like when you see. like laurie kilmartin when you watch. laurica martin she's like one of the. best joke writers in the country and she. just. murders and to think of like a mediocre. dude headlining over her is sad right. you know what i mean right but i think a. lot of that goes to like. just business it's the same as like like. you could put a ton you could lay you.

could put a a a line up and diversify it. all you want right but in the end if it. doesn't sell t if people aren't buying. tickets to go see it like if the if the. people aren't buying tickets to go see. it then no the market is dumb. right. so yeah yeah in the end it's like yeah. it just has to be so meritocracy it. doesn't always figure out i guess then. does it no meritoxy is what i mean is. just on stage where you're like right. okay we'll see who's good and who's not.

oh i've seen tons of people over the. years that get opportunities because of. like nepotism. religion. um. you know like uh certain friendships. that kind of stuff just happens i think. it happens in all walks of life you know. yeah. yeah. like you see but that's also the thing. that makes you keep [ __ ] going like. if if you showed up and just walked in. or like hey i'm here. and i'm funny and just because i'm. black female was in a fire you know.

died and came back to life i love how. you keep saying. was in a fire as if that was someone's. thing won't this thing in different oh. it certainly is man they got all these. shows it's like i saw one one show it. was like uh. i haven't been going to these shows. you've been going to it's just some of. the things i get you know i get a link. or something hey check out this and it's. all like. um like not of not victims affliction. well like affliction night i said. publicly do not ask me to do your all. female show that it's like ladies of.

laughter or some [ __ ] i'm like that is. so [ __ ] humiliating why don't you. just call it look at these clams yapping. like i cannot i mean like i cannot even. fathom that [ __ ] it's so embarrassing. well here here's so that here's. something that happens i think. a lot of men also for me i remember like. i was so it was so tough sometimes like. um. who was that talking about one time. oh nikki glaze when i first heard her.

act it reminded me for some reason of my. mother specifically and so i like. couldn't listen or accommodate the. beginning because there was just some. weird correlation between like her and. what my mom sounded like to me growing. up right yeah it's not that way now i. mean and she know i've taught it's just. been like a funny thing but. um. and i'm sure maybe girls women in weird. ways. right and girls probably do the same to. guys i bet yeah well and there's also. just a thing of like. you know. it's good to be able to do well in front.

of everyone but there are demographics. that are going to be not more naturally. drawn to you and your material and who. you are and what you're talking about. like i don't like right which is totally. fine and that's. like the other night i did a show at. that comedy jam jam in the vans. so. and then we had a uh there was a. comedian on the lineup who's a female. comedian right she says to me then the. crowd was pretty diverse. she comes up to me after the show she. goes hey i just want to say i saw your. crowd very diverse group you're really.

doing your job that's what she said to. me. and i'm like i will never work with this. girl again for saying that because like. you know how hard it is to get any. audience you think i'm i have to get a. certain type of audience like that's. [ __ ]. crazy to me like. i'm happy to sell any tickets like. now i have to make sure each audience. member like this person you know has a. hat this person has glasses this. person's a ginger this person's a. filipino like that's [ __ ] impossible. yeah right like.

i don't know and maybe i had like i mean. i could have had like an overreaction it. just seemed like. and this was a girl who doesn't sell. tickets which is fine right. but it was like are you really telling. me like that i have to have now a die. like a diverse audience like. it just [ __ ] was like that's. impossible. okay maybe some people it's possible but. i love that you had it and this is a. person who doesn't sell tickets yeah. well it's like coming from her it's like. yeah you would think that hypothetically.

in this perfect world it would be great. if every time you walked out there there. was like a perfect rainbow of an. audience i mean i would love that. personally for me like you know there is. nothing better on earth as a white woman. than making black people laugh right. there's no better feeling in the world. but oh yeah but like yeah i mean you can. control it and people like i'm sure a. lot of you know southern people are. drawn to you i don't have a big southern. audience actually oh yeah.

but um. yeah most of my tickets i sell australia. portland is my biggest audience oh yeah. because i don't have a country audience. i'm not a country guy oh um. but. yeah it's funny you would think that. though well i don't know what's country. just like you're from aren't you from. now i'm from louisiana yeah but yeah but. i don't sell it's like i do great there. you know but i don't it's not like my. biggest markets. yeah and it never has been really um. but yeah i don't know i just felt like. that was such an ins like.

you're really doing your job like what. the [ __ ] are you talking. about what do you i don't know i don't. know why i'm bringing that up right now. i guess because we're like talking about. that kind of stuff yeah but it just. blows like what. like you can't control who comes out. there. yeah. you know and you work so hard to get. anybody to come out there. that you are grateful i'm grateful for. those people i don't care what [ __ ]. column care if they have no heads or. arms yeah if they have a heart that. cares and wants to be there yeah then.

i'm grateful for that yeah you would. love a limbless. totally fine yeah you'd love them to be. wheeled into your show. yeah yeah yeah i mean it would be fine. um. but yeah i just thought that mindset. that like now i wonder if that's a. mindset that some comedians feel now. that like man now i have to get this. perfectly diverse audience you know i. don't know i don't think about that [ __ ]. i just try to be a good person i'm for. diversity but you know just do what i. can do and.

there's so much you can't control. yeah. yeah i don't know i mean i don't really. know a lot of people that aren't for. diversity i guess um. that's good yeah i mean it's kind of. inevitable you know you can't even. really be racing anymore because. everybody's so mixed now you know it's. like [ __ ] almost impossible you. almost have like a real chart if you're. really gonna be racist like you gotta. really [ __ ] do some homework you know. yeah i feel like anyway. um. so what other stuff have you tried. outside of breath work uh.

i really did a lot have you like so cool. like quarantine and i've always been. like this i was like this since i was a. little kid i was raised catholic. but like my parents when i would ask. them about god they just like change the. subject but it's like an italian thing. it's just like culturally catholic. because my dad's like full italian okay. um but. i was like. i would think deeply about all of it. like really seriously and i always was. like. reading and i just love learning and so.

um. you know i've been in therapy for a long. time and uh. when quarantine hit i was like oh and. now i can't do stand up like i had this. time. and i just started taking like all these. weirdo online courses i did i took. breath work and like you took it online. through zoom yeah i was taking breath. work classes for the first time and i. just couldn't believe it it was amazing. um. because you know i was reading those. books that are saying like trauma stored.

in your body in like your physical. body and your tissues and everything did. you believe that when you heard it at. first yeah i mean there's like a lot of. research about it. uh. and. you know if you had any abuse or. anything it's in there like beyond your. conscious. mind. um and then like i took reiki. certification wow yeah i just was like. and i just do all this stuff for fun oh. it's fascinating yeah like i like. learning about it and i take a little.

from each thing i don't like. i don't treat anything as dogma yeah and. then i took tm meditation certification. yeah and then i did ayahuasca oh wow. yeah um. so i want to go through a little bit of. that so. uh. what. what do you say you said. um. breath work breath work and you got. certified to teach it yeah wow i took. two. uh levels of courses the first one is. just to teach one-on-one and then the.

second level is to teach like group. classes and how long does that. certification stuff take um it's a. certain i don't know how it's like. how many hours would it have been. probably like 16 hours per level. you do like it was online dang yeah and. are you like practicing your neighbors. and [ __ ] like what are you how do you is. there well i wasn't gonna teach it it. was never i was never gonna teach it you. were just learning it to learn i was. just like interested yeah and you know i. wasn't on the road i wasn't doing. anything and it was just fun and um.

and then like nine months after i took. it like some of my friends were like. people are all really [ __ ] up around. us like you should just do an online one. and i was like no that's weird. especially like. you know comedy and stuff like it would. be like a vulnerable thing to be like. take my refwork class yeah um but yeah i. like put made an online thing. and a bunch of people came and they. really liked it and then i've done like. two cents and i'm doing another one i. hadn't i haven't done one since june but.

i'm doing one on tuesday um. yeah. um. do you haven't done one of your own you. mean. no i haven't had a virtual class or like. that people she'll do a virtual oh and. anybody can go yeah so is it the same. like the lesson that you gave me. yeah. personalized right yeah i can't. personalize it for like a big group but. right like when we do a session. um you know i think britney is the one. that told you you're yeah brittany uh. connor no. britney schmidt i'm sorry.

bernie hunter went to my high school oh. sorry because brittany hunter i i she. was a great woman i don't know i i don't. know i think she's still alive i don't. know. but um i think she was my school i don't. even know actually i remember like one. person from high school so really yeah. wow. you just don't you we're not a fan you. just did you thrive in high school. i did. everything was going great. until something bad happened oh in high. school yeah oh.

um. [Music]. but like. yeah. and i did thrive you did yeah were uh. how do you feel like you thrived like. were you funny then. i was funny like i was a surfer i was. like like star volleyball player i went. to ucla you went to ucla for volleyball. oh wow really yeah oh dang yeah. dude what a babe huh. uh. it was so high school was good but i.

some [ __ ] did go down that really was. tough. was it um my coach. your you had a coach. yeah that. was. abusive yeah yeah yeah i'm sorry to hear. that oh it's okay thank you um is that. one of the things that you made you want. to do like seek out some of these other. things yeah and like you know i'd work. my whole life i was like junior national. team all this stuff like volleyball and. this is in college uh yeah and then like.

it was just kind of. i. mentally wasn't. like. pro it just wasn't great for me because. everything that happened and stuff and i. quit like two years in. um so you had a you had a abusive. experience with a coach yeah and i. started on how to ask about no. you're doing great yeah i'm curious it's. process okay not like yeah okay so you. had so you were in high school when this. happened. yeah wow yeah and it was a a coach of.

yours yeah and did was there charges was. it no like what can i ask you what. happened i mean it was like a sexual. abuse thing and um. like. there was. i've talked about it i'm trying to be. brave because i don't i get nervous. asking about certain things yeah yeah. yeah so for me i'm not trying to like i. don't want you to be uncomfortable no no. i'm i'll only go as far as i want to go. okay. and i don't want you to feel like i. expect you to talk about no no it's um. but i think it if it's i do think it's.

interesting if. what our traumas are or why you know. because that breadth class the first one. i took from you [ __ ] blew my mind. like i'm on the phone with my brother i. can't even talk right because i'm crying. you know and he thinks just something's. wrong with a connection and i'm like. [ __ ] something's wrong with every. connection in my life yeah yeah yeah for. sure and like these things um. impact us. like subconsciously for a long time and. i was in therapy and. you know therapy is great and i got to a.

place where i could you know talk about. it totally comfortably and. and was it a relationship that you had. with a coach uh yeah i mean there was. like i found out there was like many. other people besides me but um. unfortunately. uh but yeah really was just so. disorienting in like a really. developmental like sensitive time of my. life wow and especially like this thing. where i sort of felt like i had to. choose between. saying something or like. um.

ruining my which sadly i still think was. the right choice. because i was like i'm not [ __ ] up my. dream of playing division volleyball at. my division one volleyball my dream. school. you know yeah um so i didn't say. anything say [ __ ] um. and then yeah just i sort of started. processing and when i was older. i ended up doing uh talking about it and. stand up like uh. like sort of before the pandemic and i. was never like one of those people that. was like i have to be confessional.

comedy or whatever i was like i would. only talk about this if it was not for. any sort of like processing trauma but. because it was really [ __ ] funny. um and so i did that and that was really. cool but also really uh. it wore on me a lot more yeah. i could only i only did it. yeah because it was so different like i. i talked about it um i thought like i. talked about it so much that it's like i. feel great.

talking about it on stage every night uh. took so much out of me physically and. also before i got it like good you know. but right oh but that [ __ ] was trauma. bombing. there's nothing sadder yeah no it's not. nothing more no i just got molested. again. and then i put that set out by silence. yeah. i was like you guys are injuring me. right now um.

but yeah like i'm really proud of that. set like i think it's like one of the. funniest things i've ever done. um wow yeah what would you do if you. didn't have high interest loans or. credit card debt what would you do. if you didn't have a high interest rate. mortgage you didn't have credit card. debt what would you do. go to guam maybe. go to bahrain go to uh. go to ohio take a trip somewhere do. something. well if you dread looking at your credit. card statements then you're just like me.

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they get um. they get real. uh. if you don't change things up they get. the same. and the same is not exciting after a. while. the same can be boring especially when. it comes to fitness. if you do one exercise forever you do. calf raises. and you don't do anything else. you'll probably die. but you'll have strong strong legs. bottom legs.

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wouldn't say it was because of that like. i wouldn't it was just like. it was it had been so much. uh. that it was just i was overwhelmed wow. like because i wasn't mentally. and obviously i didn't have any support. and told anyone you know whatever it was. uh yeah it was really crazy experience. and how much of that when you look back. on it now um. and if it's a not a fair thing to ask or. something just let me know because i. don't really know sometimes but um.

how much are you able to try and examine. the psyche of whatever that person that. like you know the abuser was like are. you able to like. try and. not obviously understand where they're. coming from but see like. you know because now you seem pretty in. tune with like. feelings and why people do stuff maybe. i'm sure you've had a lot of. you know a lot of going through a lot of. your own stuff with that are you able to. like. i don't know what i guess no am i able.

to forgive this person. yeah like how do you find some footing. to be able to forgive somebody because. that would be [ __ ] hard um i don't. think yeah i mean i've really had a. whole process with that i don't think um. obviously it's not a well person it's. like they're mentally sick. you know a kid like when i see like a 16. year old now i'm like that's a baby. right uh and so you are not well if. you're. somebody trying to date a baby yeah if. you're a child.

um yeah but i. i i just see it as a sick person and you. know i had to it's painful and all this. stuff but um yeah it's just like i have. to. move forward and enjoy my life like you. do have to look directly at these things. to get through them. uh but yeah i want to have a good life. i'll say. it's like i do have like commitment. issues that i'm working through at this. point in my life. yeah.

wow i bet. it's just like i mean i could yeah you. don't realize the side effects of like i. think sometimes we don't even realize. the side effects of certain things like. all the little things that it can go. into you know yeah like all have these. like nice men try to get close to me and. i'm just like. i don't know but i'm working through it. yeah. um. that's crazy it reminds me like. it just makes me think when i was. growing up they had like coaches that.

would get. in trouble for date yeah like there was. a lot of that i mean there's so much. [ __ ] that goes on now there's so. much pain in the world there really is. and it and it's like there really really. is and like i i want to be. each person that heals himself and gets. well it has a ripple effect and is able. to be more kind to the people around. them and to make the the world better. and less full of pain yeah and like i. want to be have children i don't want to.

be really solid and. yeah right yeah it's hard it's hard to. do that i struggle a lot with that. commitment stuff and it's so [ __ ]. hard for me like my whole life it's. always been hard for me to like say like. this is my girlfriend like i ne there's. nothing makes me. cringe more. than saying like that. i'm attached to anybody is it because it. um limits your options. no i don't think that that's it i think. it's like some i mean i'm sure there's.

been times where obviously maybe i did. what didn't want to be in a relationship. or something. but i think. for me when i was young like the only. thing i felt like i had was the way you. saw me like. i was always like hyper managing like my. um. like i'd hated where we lived i hated. our financial status i didn't like our. family we had no family set up all these. things that i had no control over. yeah. that [ __ ] mate just were like made me. so angry or uncomfortable and then.

the only thing i could control was how. you saw me like when you saw me yeah how. you saw me so it was like i was. constantly trying to manage this image. of like i would take different buses to. different neighborhoods and then [ __ ]. walk them just weird [ __ ] but then i. always like was i think it was like well. if i have somebody else attached to me. and they do something weird or. uncomfortable or whatever then that's. gonna be a reflection of how you see me. it was just too much of a liability it. was it's because it's all an outward. focus.

right like i'm concerned with what. people yeah i get that like i think. that's something that's so. natural especially as like teenagers and. that whole time period and and then as. you get older that's something i'm. really focusing on we talked about it in. breath work but like. i really want to not look outward. and that's i stopped i really have been. negotiating my relationship with. instagram too because i feel that's all. looking outward yeah i'll black out and. like lose an hour just like watching.

[ __ ] instagram stories and i'm like. this is hell this is um this is not like. an intentional thing i don't want to. know what these people are [ __ ] doing. this is literally hell on earth i'm. afraid of being on my [ __ ] death bed. and being like i didn't live life i was. just looking at instagram stories yeah. you know what i mean. and so i'm i and like now also. i'm really trying to. think about like. especially it is hard when we do this. thing where you are really putting.

yourself out there to be seen. and that can be diff it's hard to be. vulnerable in like a public. life like this and so in my mind one. thing i'm working on is just maintaining. my energy no matter who i'm around like. nobody is above me right nobody is below. me who whoever they are. yeah so that i'm not like outside myself. oh i see what you're saying so it keeps. everything in this ground where it's all. like it's going to be the same no matter. what so that's a lot more manageable i'm.

not trying to impress anyone. and i'm not trying to look down on. anyone right that's like the state that. i'm trying to damn girl that's a real. tight rope yeah i mean it's good no it's. a great i love it. right now be around like really big. [ __ ] people and they're just a person. yeah and i'm also around people like. i don't want i want to be regular with. them i want to treat that person. that's like. but like not wherever i am the exact.

[ __ ] same yeah. sometimes it's hard dude they had this. guy in like in a park next to our uh. my place out here and he was like. playing this drummer all night and he. was not a drummer right so that's a real. that was a lot you know. um explained himself yeah. kind of but kind of like not during. business hours you know so sometimes. it's hard man to just try to treat. everybody well and not [ __ ] throw. limes at that guy oh yeah i know i will. now i'll be like.

aware of my impatience. because you might be a highly sensitive. person yeah which is 20 of the. population is it really i identify. unfortunately to my. humiliation as one of those people. i don't want to be a highly [ __ ]. sensitive you don't most of this. audience is probably. that's my audience actually it's like no. i mean highly sensitive. uh. to environment noise. you know oh yeah i am he. sent. like all sorts of things like i really.

am that and it it doesn't i it's a. little it'll come up and i'm like i'm. gonna [ __ ] kill this person but then. i'm like no no relax how can you. surrender how can you just allow this. reality to be since you have no control. of it anyways yeah that's true but. sometimes you gotta [ __ ] put the. hammer down it's impossible enough. sometimes not to put the [ __ ] hammer. down yeah you know um. yeah it's hectic it's an interesting. it's it's interesting these days i feel.

like uh. serenity is definitely feels like more. of a commodity you know we're so in. everything is so inundated and when you. get like especially you get on social. media you get on your phone i really. feel like i fall into a. war hypnotized yes and because i will. literally come out of it and i'll tell. people i'll be like i'm back i'll say. that i find myself saying that like i've. just just gone somewhere i've i do i've. started deleting it off my phone during. the day oh wow because i just think it's.

a nightmare well instagram's instagram's. whatever tick tock's the [ __ ] hard. one though i don't know how to take. yourself oh i'm not pulling anything is. good though but that's the problem. though they fine-tuned it and made it. honestly. well no they just made it pretty good. like tic toc i'm watching like a couple. of [ __ ] you know you can watch somebody. do knitting you can watch like just. quiet asians dude it's like total you're. just watching asian people be quiet like. you can there's so many things it's just. like you can watch somebody doing a cake.

you can watch somebody oh just turning. the pages of a book yeah like it's. definitely like they [ __ ]. they went all out i just want less. all together like yeah i. want to just become a movie star already. so that i can move to [ __ ] montana. and fly in for my role. and then go. back out away from everyone yeah okay. yeah. yeah i like that maybe.

how do you think you would like it out. there on like a ranch or something. yes i [ __ ] would you do yeah i don't. i just want to like i. maybe i'm getting old i just like love. the quiet like i need to keep up with. all this [ __ ] i don't care i don't want. to i don't need to see you cooking eggs. but will you not have the ability then. to draw from stuff i mean i know that's. kind of like uh. will you not have the ability to draw. from stuff no i have more because like i. hike almost every day like no i'm trying.

to be in nature like a nature comic yeah. i'm in nature. no i just get like when my mind is still. like it was when i was a kid and i. didn't have phones or anything and i. would daydream or think up makeup worlds. and all this imagination and [ __ ]. like that's when [ __ ] comes to me like. jokes always come to me when i'm in the. shower i'm getting a massage i'm outside. away from a screen is when there's space. for things to come into my head yeah and.

i get i can be like think of silly. things or think of we like weird. perspectives. do you um. a lot of rich people are going to outer. space you know it. yeah bird and do you think that uh. do you think that that's fair. um. i try not to think about what's fair and. not fair. i feel like that i mean. i do in some ways trust me i want things.

to be like equitable for all people. i mean like. i don't know why that whole thing is. happening they could redirect that money. to things that. need it yeah but also i mean what do i i. have no control over it i don't [ __ ]. care but do you think because some. people think there's like rich people. are meeting up and spare like there's. like another place. that they're all. that's [ __ ] insane. i have not heard we're all at like.

walmart and they're at like a. chick-fil-a in the sky you know well. yeah no i have not considered a. chick-fil-a. in the sky yet. uh cause it seems like that a little you. know it seems like they're all going up. there and yeah just look you know like. look at it um. i'm not i mean i probably am somewhat i. think i think certainly a lot more. levels of like people wondering what's. going on you know i think you start to. see like a lot of like. as we get further away from like any.

type of faith and religion or any like a. lot of people do not have a real strong. sense of faith i don't think these days. so i think when you get like out there. like that then you start to people look. at conspiracies more they want they're. looking for something people are always. looking for something. to believe in i feel like a reason a per. you know like a. they want uh. an answer do you have faith. yeah. like in a judeo-christian god or what. yeah i mean i believe in god i believe. in a higher power and for me i use god. as that.

is the sidewalk for that for me yeah so. i think different people use different. things you know yeah i mean i've tried. on many different things yeah yeah. um but now i just think of god as like. divine loving intelligence like. completely divorce of all religion. though religion. i don't know at this point doesn't. really seem. like it for me like when i think of the. catholic [ __ ] i'm just like that's. [ __ ] insane like how are these [ __ ].

not arrested ever yeah like what do you. mean like for what. like the catholic rape thing. i went to catholic school there was a. priest at every school i went to was. transfer oh yeah and then i saw like a i. saw a headline the other day that france. just france. has had like 350 000. abused kids imagine being romantically. molested. but i'm like that's [ __ ] insane how. that they're fully a religion is fully.

protected globally where. well now it's basically legal sex abuse. yeah. that's crazy that's totally crazy well. it's also i mean it's like and then that. also that they don't pay taxes it's. crazy that none of these things are like. charged there's like. it's unbelievable and especially when. it's like people need they want some. reason they want some. you know a lot of people want church. they are also brought up in churches so. it's like a comfortable place you know. one of the things i love about church is.

like you go and you see like kids are. playing together it's fun it's like a. fun place families get together yes it's. it's a family-oriented thing that's the. thing i love about it that's one thing. to me it's really nice there's a lot of. really good things like but it's crazy. why they cover these guys up why they. like why don't they send they would be. has so much more integrity if they. shipped all those [ __ ] to jail to. australia they said. they put them in jail they said we are. cleaning out our institution yeah but. they're not and then you would be like.

oh bravo you know like. but hollywood could do the same thing. hollywood's just a [ __ ] crit it's a. [ __ ] great it's definitely a religion. yeah our co-workers are yeah. it's great i love saying hello to them. all the time hello at my place at work. it's really good. but do you have. hello. do you think it brings but then i think. that just goes back to just how much. like there's just a damaged element to. being human.

a hundred percent is it is. humanity and look even the best person. on earth has done horrible things yeah. john legend the best person on earth. and like and that was a joke but yeah i. mean everybody's a piece of [ __ ] you. can't not it's not a piece of [ __ ] it's. just like but everybody has [ __ ] on them. of course everybody has [ __ ] on their. shoes and some people in their shoes. yeah it's it's really confusing and like. i try.

one of the things i'm really working on. is like not taking things personally. yeah just trying that on. and uh it's hard because you're but it's. like when i as i'm setting this. intention i'm seeing it more clearly. that like when someone does something to. piss me off they're not even thinking. about me they're fully viewing it. through their own [ __ ] up lens or. whatever pain they're going through you. know what i mean right yeah right and. we've also gotten so in our own world. that that's the only lens we even have. anymore so you're not even looking at. things as a two-way street i noticed a.

few years ago when the elevator would. open people would get in it used to. always be yeah it was always yeah people. got out first you wait it was just a. natural thing and then now people get in. yeah as it's like yeah it's all kind of. i don't know it's hard to know if it's. it's hard to know if how much of what we. are. [Music]. like suffering from or will suffer from. if.

if it's like side effects of like. society or if it's just like. this. this flaw inside of us i don't know it's. all of it it's not a it's not a flaw i. would encourage you to think of it. differently. what i like you know the guy i learned a. breath or crow he divine healing as just. what i love about it is because it takes. all the pathology away and just that. healing is just like giving love to the.

places that hurt. you know instead of like broken illness. like. all these like. things that we think are flaws or our. brokenness or like make us unlovable. and that is something i love about. breathwork because it's so pure it's. just something. giving your god-given. like natural structure putting it to use. and. remembering the divinity of who you are.

yeah. it's a lot do you think that like. but if we didn't have like flaw if we. didn't do you think we ever get to a. place where it's all evened out or it's. just always this constant. no because. that would be. perfection and perfection doesn't exist. yeah and like trying for that is pain. like. you know when you get into it. like of course you want to be stable. and you want to be feeling good a.

majority of the time but. i think the definition of mental health. is being able to feel the full spectrum. of emotions in a healthy way. yeah. yeah i would say that that's probably. sounds pretty fair to me. i would like that. yeah. but like when we like when i think then. you get into spiritual bypassing which. is like toxic positivity which isn't. like actually addressing how you feel or. whatever. um as some way of like enlightenment and.

the fact is we're just all human you. know. yeah i thought being human would be. easier kind of. no. no because everyone's dealt like. whatever cards are dealt and i think. it's just like our cosmic lessons on. earth. yeah i think for some reason i felt like. it would be easier. um i feel like uh. it looks pretty good from from where i'm. sitting. oh thank you. i did wash my hair two days ago i meant. your life.

oh. yeah no my life is uh yeah i think it. doesn't matter it's always like what you. are. yeah i don't know i felt like. i i always felt like if i got to a. certain level of like doing well in my. job or maybe then i would. then everything would be okay i think i. had this preconceived notion in my head. that like all these other things that i. worry about or feel or these discomforts. will disappear so when i started to have.

some success and that didn't happen. uh i think i was like kind of like there. was a part of me i didn't even know this. motor was running that expected this. yeah you know then it was like oh you're. still just you know with. with your weights i think that's. completely. [Music]. natural thought like. we're all looking for something to save. us whether it's like success love. whatever it is yeah botox. orthotics um.

yeah but i think like wealth and money. and success. really just brings out even more of what. is already there yeah. um i'm sure it makes a lot of other. things easier. well mark norman said it best about. having a little bit of money here's what. it makes easier if you are cold or. something and you're at like a gas. station or something you don't have to. like you know you don't have to look at. the price of the suit you're like okay i. just can get this sweatshirt you know. like little things like that are kind of. nicer like do i need like. how much is this lunch it's like it.

saves you a little bit of time and. having to look at some price tags if. it's something big like a car or. something you're gonna look but like for. re you know it's like that kind of stuff. is a little bit nice you have to think. about the cost of like uh you know. really a meal maybe or something you. know yeah those things are kind of a. little bit nice to have. to have happen maybe um so take me so i. tried ketamine therapy was one thing. that i tried like in the past. seven months maybe how many times did. you do it i did six times so it was six. six sessions cool you sit with a. therapist in a room yeah and they fill. you up and then you you know are talking.

with this therapist the psychiat. psychiatrist the whole time yeah so. you're kind of going through things and. like sharing and. um. i found that that was really interesting. i felt maybe for like trauma. like one specific trauma or something. did you go deep in that. i was sometimes i was off the wall i. mean i was like in another echelon. did you find it helpful. i found it helpful some i got to have. some moments like. i got to.

spend time with my dad for like about 45. seconds. which was pretty cool yeah that's really. cool yeah just to let him know that i. loved him i felt like he never knew. maybe wow and it felt real like it felt. as real as this sitting here talking. yeah that's really beautiful so to have. something like that happen where it's. like um. i got to see my mom when she was a. little kid. which was pretty powerful i felt like um. you know uh. did they do like inner child work. i don't know the dude had a big beard i.

know that was running it so i'm sure. he's [ __ ] definitely done some things. man this dude he had one of those crazy. [ __ ] you know no no in your child did. you work with your in your child no no. no we didn't see him. we was more just doing like regular. i feel like that's like a big direction. that people are going in with therapy. and healing is just like going back to. your inner child yeah because they say. like your entire subconscious. blueprint for the rest of the your life.

is developed from zero to seven years. old wow so whatever goes down then. is really. like. your whole framework which is so crazy. because it's completely out of our. control yeah so. yeah yeah i i went to this other place. called pcs for a week and it's like um. like this guy bobby lee this comedian. recommended to me do you know who that. is. so and he's i think vietnamese or. something but he recommended it to me. and he um.

uh that place is all about your inner. child like you gotta go to build a bear. and get like a little child yeah so. you're in there with like a bunch of. yeah it's really i've done [ __ ] like it. is so dicey we're in there there's like. a bunch of [ __ ] oh yeah there's like. there's like a bunch of grown men in. this build-a-bear and there's like a. bunch of kids in there there's like a. kid's party and we're [ __ ] putting. dresses and like oh yeah this one will. wear it look good in a baseball outfit. so then you're leaving the mall with. your bears like oh and you're like it's. heartbreaking yeah it is heartbreaking.

wait and then somebody's like dude. you're my favorite comedian you're. [ __ ] humiliating. oh my god. you're buying a bear dude and the lady. putting the stuffing in there the one. lady her [ __ ] gum i remember fell on. the stuffing thing and she's like. it's just a nightmare in there just a. real but it was kind of like how god. does it it was like you know you got all. this cotton and you're just [ __ ]. stuffing it into these bears dude and. you're just sending them out the door. you know and sometimes there's some bad. knitting yeah no [ __ ] yeah did you did.

you get a lot out of it. it was pretty fast uh some of it i did. some emdr i noticed i would be real. judgmental going into some of the. sessions like just like um. you know judgment is like something that. keeps me. it's a like a. preventative thing to keep me from. connection so i'm gonna have to have. some feelings or something so there was. stuff like that uh. it was kind of exhausting some of the. therapies it was like some group stuff i. didn't like but there was some stuff i.

really did like. yeah i find like that group stuff. i mean now i've worked on it and stuff. but like at first i was like. no [ __ ] way i was like i'm not. talking about anything like in a group. or in front of people which is so weird. because. like i've been i've been doing comedy. like i speak publicly in front of crowds. all the time but like when it was about. serious [ __ ] like no. it took me a long time but that ended up. being like the most healing thing for me.

uh doing group therapy it wasn't group. therapy it's 12 step. but i don't want to say that which one. right so like recovery yeah. yeah recovery i feel like is the best. overall solution that i've found. honestly do you feel that way or no. totally and it ended up being because. the. community because like you know where i. grew up uh it's just no one talks about. mental health no one talks about. anything like. never heard any no one talks about their. problems like it's very buttoned up.

and that's the way my family was too and. i'm just the total opposite like i'm. very sensitive i feel a lot of things. i'm interested in a lot of things like i. want to talk about. things um and so when i got to recovery. like and i i remember when i first saw. people i knew because it's la and. there's like a lot of people and. entertainment in there of course. and i was like i was trying to hide from. them like it didn't cross my mind that. they're there too i was just like oh no. they're seeing me here right you know um.

yeah i even think that went on zoom. meeting sometimes yeah i was on one. yesterday i didn't want to show my face. because i'm like totally. you don't want to be you don't want to. be like. known in this private way so i didn't. talk like the first couple of years but. then when i started talking is like when. i experienced a lot of uh progression. and how was the ayahuasca tell me about. that experience take me through that uh. it was really cool i i wanted to do it.

forever i'm just like curious and um ron. white did it too oh really yeah he did. it at a damn best western. in. [Music]. outside i want to say in h near houston. yeah nobody tell my parents i did. ayahuasca they really wouldn't like that. um. but uh i. after i got vaccinated i did it i knew i. was gonna go back on the road and then i. was like what if i like. fall in love and. like get married and i probably and have. children i'm not gonna be able to like.

be a mom that goes and does dmt you know. right you gotta do it now yeah i gotta. do it now so i just saw like a window. and it was really the window came. actually. uh everyone had always said like don't. do it in la it's like sketchy white. people whatever i'd always wanted to go. to the amazon but i was like go to. memphis and do it dude that's i'm sure a. real dicey dose yeah um okay go on so i. found like uh i had found like a. tangible someone had had a great. experience and so i just went i went by. myself which the day of when i was like.

driving to this sketchy ass property. i was like this might be a bad idea was. it off a melrose no it was like. out an hour outside of la in a. tiny farming town and i was like driving. up to this like desolate property and i. was like this is a bad idea but i text. my friend i was like three of my friends. i was like here's the address check in. at this time and immediately like their. guardians um. the men when they said hello they hugged. you and i was like i don't like this. yeah that's i do not like the forced.

over familiarity like i don't want you. to hug me two arm hug or one arm hug. oh yeah. like hello from a man were they wearing. jewelry. um. there was some jewelry for sure but it. ended up. i was like if somebody with two arms and. jewelry hugs you dude. i'm calling the cops yeah but i was like. i guess i'm in like i did the whole and. it was just you by yourself it was me by.

myself no. dude how and no there was a huge group. of people but i didn't know anyone. i never met because i would feel like if. you're going through like sexual trauma. and then you roll up to three dudes at a. damn rant oh no. get the [ __ ] out i wanna sprint i'll. spread out of there um. you just rolled through this hitting a. volleyball around you like this. yeah. hey what's up we're here for round two. um. no like i.

i. i'm sorry i interrupted your story no. it's okay but it ended up being really. really cool um i had you have to. prepare so much like you can't um drink. sm like i don't smoke but you can't like. me caffeine all these things like. before so there's like a whole large. preparation. um. and then uh. i listen to podcasts and documentaries. and basically they're all like like. aubry marcus and stuff and they're all.

sad like. you're gonna go to the darkest [ __ ]. place you're gonna experience terror but. then on the other side you'll feel great. and so i went in there like i was just. like it's just gonna take me and i'm. gonna go and i'm just going to hold on. with eye black on yeah. get a sharp tampon. i could [ __ ] do this and that was. like the full opposite experience really. i got i was taken to like a pink. marshmallow jungle and like my message.

because like you know my thing has been. learning to feel safe in my body. was like that the universe is kind which. sounds like a really. uh. anticlimactic distillation. but. and try but that's really like it went. in me yeah that's good that's a cool. that's an amazing message to have in you. have you in your [ __ ]. yeah marrow after that that's huge yeah. but they also said they'd never heard. someone cry like that really yeah and do. you cry like on all fours you cry.

standing up are you leaning against. something like what is the vibe in there. um they're like you have sort of like. the you're on the ground with like these. padded chairs and they're playing um you. know. the icarus like they're playing music. the whole time and there's all these. rituals and it's very sacred is the ac. on or not. i don't. i think so i'm not sure i don't remember. but it was. it was really crazy i i've done much the. drug i like is mushrooms that's really.

the only drug i do. um. and. i'd never seen visuals before like this. i didn't know. your brain could even see those things. yeah yeah. it sounds like dm like something like. dmt or something like that it is dmt. though oh it is okay but from the amazon. but. you know for breath work you can have a. psychedelic experience because we have a. certain amount of dmt in our spinal. fluid. everyone does so you can.

through the alkalization of your blood. sometimes. like how i've had full visuals during. breath work before wow really. yeah. i haven't had or like weird memories pop. in where you're like i haven't thought. about that in 20 years or yeah or just. like a. solution just like pops into like. something and you're like why didn't i. think about that before yeah yeah. yeah it is such a relief when you can.

kind of do something different with your. brain. i feel like some of my brain gets tired. of just being on the road you know it's. like your brain. is really exhausting and really hard on. your body and. spirit especially if you're a really. sensitive person to your environment. yeah. i would believe that. you ain't ever done ayahuasca i met a. guy at a smoothie shop. and uh. maui that gave me some uh he was a. shaman mm-hmm.

or he had i mean he had sandals on and. he was out you know he was out he was he. definitely had a buddy with like he had. a buddy who literally he was like. standing with armfuls of vitamins. and uh. and they gave me a bunch of vitamins and. then the guy. took me to like a. they were doing like child care like. even at their house and i'm in there. just like relax and have me relax out in. next thing you know i'm out on the dmt. oh you did dmt yeah and it was really. that really blew my mind i can't even. believe that that has ever even existed. in the universe and then that can happen.

wow i don't even know what. um taking dmt would probably be very. similar to the ayahuasca experience i. bet it's really hardcore but what the. purpose of it is is the tough thing i. don't really know exactly i would like. that made me realize. you know i've done mushrooms and stuff. but i was like. this was like a really sacred thing and. i was like i don't need to in my. lifetime be [ __ ] around with. like drugs. outside of like this very controlled. sacred environment for me i don't have.

any judgment to other people but how. long were you at the ayahuasca place i. was there for a weekend and you take um. three cups. a night but most people don't get to the. third cup and each cup is a level 1. through 10. but. it's completely arbitrary like a 1 could. hit someone at a 10 and a 10 could just. be like not a big deal for someone. so it's like. yeah you really have to be open to. whatever experience because you never.

you have no idea what's going to happen. and do you like defecate yourself or. people wearing diapers and stuff because. i always heard a lot about like yeah you. like purge are people vomiting and. urinating and stuff um i did not ship my. pants thank you jesus um. but i did throw up both nights it wasn't. a big deal like it was really fast and. then they the guardians come clear the. bucket really fast. um i think some people do go to the. bathroom i don't think people [ __ ]. themselves this the second night i was.

like out of my body it was like it was. so intense and are you are there other. people around is it like yeah they're. all around you you're in a vietnam kind. of yeah they're like. people were on both sides of me like. this and they have all the women on one. side and all the men on. one side like are people tickling each. other and [ __ ] or haven't bothered to. touch anyone. they like enforce everything so hard so. that everyone's like safe and are there. referees i got like roller everybody i'm. getting like this vibe of like a roller. skating rink where the guys like you.

know there's some guy like i know. it's not like that at all like they take. it so seriously and there's people. taking care of anyone that needs to be. taken care of um. but yeah it's a whole experience you. have to prepare so much it takes a lot. out of you. like spiritually and physically and yeah. yeah. hmm. um. how's comedy going do you feel good. about it how long have you been doing it. now. it's good.

um. i just didn't know what else to ask i've. been doing it like a little over eight. years oh that's awesome um it's good. like i'm you know booking stuff and uh. starting to feel like. i. am on my way to success. uh. i just did a movie i'm on a new comedy. central show. um. things are going well. yeah that's exciting it is because i. don't want to be [ __ ] broke i want to. be rich yeah yeah.

yeah i mean people want to be rich man i. mean but what a. better joy. i mean because i've been so. experienced being broke for so long and. like what a joy. to have found a way. to make money doing what you love yeah. yeah i mean it's such. it's such a gift like i don't take it. for granted at all like any paycheck i. get it's just like a miracle because i'm.

having so much fun and. i could have just quit on myself so. early on in some marketing job not that. there's anything wrong with a marketing. job it just wasn't right for my wild. soul right yeah yeah yeah i wouldn't. mind doing a little bit of marketing i. got a degree in uh. urban planning. really yeah whoa what you [ __ ] plan. we do like neighborhoods and. like if say if like a mailman's coming. like you know then we design like what.

route to take through the neighborhood. we do a lot of like sims. yeah kind of like sims actually that's. pretty good yeah it's like sims yeah. theo sims yeah. maybe that'll be maybe i'll start a theo. sims game. um. but yeah i was doing her we do urban. planning where to put the power lines. where to put the bike path we do all. that how's some comedy going for you we. do all that it's going pretty good i. think you know i'm doing a new tour. right now so i'm pretty excited about. that with ari um yup ari mantis is out.

there sometimes most of the time. actually or he's a new friend of mine oh. he is yeah oh yeah he's good he'll. definitely be in. he'll be in recovery at some point but. uh until then man you know. he just sometimes hears me on these zoom. meetings he's a wild dude oh yeah he's. one of a kind i mean he is definitely. something else i did his podcast oh you. did oh i hear now i see. are you getting these guests first. that's cool no he's a sweetheart.

um i'm lucky to have uh you know i feel. like when i'm around him he makes things. he's so red i mean there's just the guys. there's so many things about him yeah. he's so wild dude yeah he's definitely a. real snake owner. you know. he's definitely and that's not a. euphemism the guy owns snakes oh wow so. i didn't know that about him. yeah ari if you see this that's [ __ ]. nasty yeah. yeah yeah. he knows it is i think that's why he. does it all right i'm praying for you.

ari you need it yeah yeah yeah. he does need it um. blair sake i appreciate thanks for. coming and chatting with me and hanging. out yeah for sure it's really fun um to. talk to you outside of brother i know. it's crazy because we only talk to each. other on zoom yeah yeah. um yeah it's so crazy once you like. that's how you talk to someone on zoom. and yeah because i don't really know you. but i know one like specific little like. intimate part. right that i like to breathe deep.

yeah. here's what's here's what's so fast if. you don't if you've never done this. the the lesson you give i mean i have to. inhale and exhale for about 25 minutes. like about 30 and it's really it's. rigorous it's really really hard i. always telling colin that i. experience more resistance to doing it. than working out yeah like i would. rather work out than do it because it's. so. hard to get to make yourself. do that consistent rhythm for 30 minutes.

yeah it's really hard. yeah i'm trying to think so this is how. i was doing it just because i was like. uh. yeah do i need to speed it up or does it. matter. no you're supposed to go at your own. pace the way that i teach the class i've. told you this but i started it starts. out slow and gets faster okay yeah and. then you know you do hear say five. percent more let's get five percent more. guys then i'm like on a [ __ ] peloton. side yeah yeah yeah what's going on yeah. um that doesn't mean faster or harder.

but it's more into your stomach. um. and then like you experience the. shavasana porous portion where you just. rest and like feel it all the work you. just did like coursing through your body. it's so cool oh yeah i feel it up in. here yeah i feel that [ __ ] ripping. yeah or like if you have physical. ailments like. it can be really cool for that oh it. feels like [ __ ] a bunch of heavy. monkeys are pulling on my veins yeah. [ __ ] feels intense yeah it's wild.

um. awesome well if you want to check it out. with blair we'll put a link in do you do. you do that for people or are you kind. of just in a safe world doing it for. convenience that you want um well i'll. randomly do like a virtual class which i. am doing on this coming tuesday but i. don't know if it'll be out by then but. okay cool but if not they can follow you. and they can figure out where to uh take. your classes sometime yeah if i do do. one i'll post about it okay good yeah. cool blair sake best of luck with comedy. and stuff is so nice to meet you yeah. thank you thanks for having me this was. really.

[Music]. oh fun when i reach that ground i'll. share this piece of mind i found i can. feel it. in my bones. but it's gonna take. a little time. for me to set that parking brake. and let.

[Music]. sit and myself you my stories. [Music].