Bert Kreischer | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #408

I want to let you know that we have. added shows for Saturday November 5th in. San Diego. uh the first two sold out so we now have. so Saturday November 5th we are also. adding a Sunday November 6th show for. San Diego and those tickets will be on. sale Wednesday. uh September 14th at 10 A.M Pacific. Standard time. theovan.com.

t-o-u-r I'm also excited to announce. we've got brand new merch up on the Theo. Von store check out rat king racing. collections. shirts hoodies hats and multiple designs. um if you like racing if you like. threatening your Uber driver and making. them go faster and if you like just damn. just burning gasoline baby then you'll. love uh Rat King Racing collection get. that hitter baby. he's on his birdie boy relapse tour for.

the rest of this year he just wrapped up. his fully loaded tour this summer and um. and you can see new episodes of his. something's burning cooking show on. YouTube I'm grateful to have him here. today one of the hardest working men in. comedy Mr Burt pressure. [Music]. sit and tell you my stories.

[Music]. [Applause]. so like it's like I don't know the. benefit you know like like Timberland. what's he used right maybe maybe the. best podcaster we have of our general. you and Tim Dylan are probably the two. best podcasters I know that I enjoy. watching I love Rogan Rogan's obviously.

the king I love. I love watching Rogan but and I love but. I love watching you and Tim the way you. guys think now price point wise right. say there's let's talk about uh these. companies that come in they go we're. doing it right we spent. fifty thousand dollars on cameras we. spent a hundred thousand dollars on. microphones we got state of the art. board yeah and then you go what about. just a laptop. do you have one of those yeah so right. right but but I do think that if you I. do think here's what I learned from. Rogan if you invest a little more money.

in it you care more. and if you care more you get a better. product. I think that that's probably true and I. think guests come and they see that you. care more yeah it feels more eloquent. yeah. um. yeah it's one of the reasons like. sometimes it's like I would like to get. into like a nicer Studio space like our. studio is great very good but it's like. but then also you don't want to go too. corporate of a studio where it feels. like where it doesn't feel like Rogue. you know like yeah and you also don't.

want to do it out of your house which. I've been doing for the past [ __ ]. eight years and so people are like do. you live here yeah okay is that your. daughter can I meet her and you're like. Georgia grab a towel yeah uh she's doing. this audio for us right now but as soon. as like I want to get bigger guys you. know who I want to get I'm being dead. serious we talked about this a little. bit and I think you're the only person. who'll get this but let me guess who it. is oh if you guess it if you guessed it. I'll spend the rest of the show with my. flip-flop in my mouth oh dude that's. gonna mess up the chat. but I'll try let me see it's uh can I.

ask for a clue or not yes okay. is it a black. person no. there are a couple that I'd like to get. on I'd like to get on uh I like Killer. Mike on I like Killer Mike I like Snoop. on. um I Like Big Boy from Outcast I'd Like. T.I I should give a shout out to TI. about his car keep saying stuff you're. just eliminating guests I was gonna. guess. oh yeah that's right so you're going.

with the you going with the white dude. oh I'm going with a white dude I think. he's white I don't even know his name to. be honest with you it's hot in here guys. can y'all cut that AC on. um I drank a lot yesterday and I woke up. in the middle of the night in a [ __ ]. Sizzle I mean I was so hot and all of a. sudden my body went. and [ __ ] poured sweat back to sleep. yeah yeah like almost like when a truck. stops and it's like. it woke me up I was so hot my [ __ ]. wife Liam was was like you gotta keep.

you got a cape hey boss this is how Leon. talks. I was doing I'm doing this impressively. Anna She [ __ ] hates it and I got off. stage in Atlantic City this weekend and. uh and Dave Williamson's like I think. you're doing Theo. as Leanne he's like yeah Leanne never. says gang gang when she sucks your dick. gang gang son. [Music]. um but uh yeah but I don't even know. about that coach I drop it on the bottom.

of the smoking drinking by a Diet Coke I. ain't drinking that go that's all he. only Diet Coke right now. um [ __ ] oh my God there's a lot of black. people I'd like to have on my podcast oh. you gotta get some you gotta I don't. have enough black people on my podcast. none of us nobody does nobody does. Donnell's the only I know Darnell's. money too. money but every oh God every time you. think you're like man I gotta diversify. a little you're like hey Darnell. everybody in podcasting is like that.

dude. Williams would be good oh Chris Rock. Dave Chappelle I don't count them as. like in like the group because they're. just Comics I want to reach out you know. I'd like Cornell West Cornell West let's. bring him up he's a singer no. no he's not he's not oh there he is huh. Dr Cornell West oh damn huh he's badass. dude. yeah is he really like a real uh.

prolific thinker and stuff yeah yeah. yeah he's the reason I'm gonna say this. there's no proof to what I'm about to. say he's the reason Chris Rock's special. was so good bring the pain Chris Rock. started hanging around dudes like this. on Sunday they do like Sunday supper. where they talk about politics and talk. about the world and talk about things. and he just hang out by the way I'm not. certain what I'm saying is accurate at. all I might have just dreamed this yeah. and so I had a dream about David Spade. last night you did yeah and I should. call him and let him know I was thinking. about him but so he uh he yeah what.

happened I want to know about this guy. looks really interesting he's really. interesting uh he's like just a thinker. I think he works at Harvard and he just. is he's always on Bill Maher and I just. love him on Bill Murray he's always got. a good take you know some people are. aligned just straight politics and that. bores me I like a person that'll float. and go like well those kids were wrong. yeah yeah yeah yeah I like something. it's got some uh that's got some Nuance. to their own ideas yeah I don't I don't. to their views I don't have any of that. you don't no pretty basic views well.

do you and I flip-flop a lot I'm gonna. flip-flop a lot I'm gonna try this one. but that's okay man I don't think that's. bad or is there alcohol in this no okay. um okay people on one of my pockets well. let's get into it okay. um I uh so if it's a I'm gonna say Bill. Clinton it's not. although he would be good he would be. good but he would be good if like off. camera you know yes he's like well that.

was really good Bart are these things. still rolling and I go no and he goes. man I [ __ ] a lot of [ __ ] when I was. President my favorite thing to do come. in them just come in them and go yeah. take that oh yeah that's presidential. seed baby and spit in their mouths and. just throw a towel at them go clean. yourself up or yeah. and get back on the bench babe no. Razorback hey what did you like was it. like starting for the first time. Razorbacks. dude when you think about the fact that.

he went to that he's out of the. University of Arkansas him and Hillary. straight up met at the University of. Arkansas dude yeah was it was she ever. could pull up young pictures of Hillary. was she ever like like really hot you. could see that up oh hold on yeah you. can see it or like. let's look at let's take some looks at. her. because you got to be like Jackie. Onassis hot Jackie Kennedy hot. I mean you got look at.

[Music]. um. wow I mean bill was not planning on. doing well I think Bill is looking for. someone to help him with his homework. he looks like a starting center for the. Nets in 1972. hi boy hi it's Bill Clinton is that. that's a good impression right that's. pretty good hey you ever think Bill. Clinton said the n-word. let me think about it hold on. I bet it's been a while you've been. thinking it's been a while yeah oh come.

on you think he says it recently I think. he's one of those guys that just still. drops it every now and then just to. Hillary just a Hillary. just the best yeah who's calling you. he's like it's Obama hi oh boy hey. what's up is that I lost it I had the. accent for a second let me think that is. Bill Clinton uh that sounds like you're. getting a little fuzzy a little fuzzy. rare there yeah I get really fuzzy yeah. I'm not I'm not right now oh. Jim I used to think Jimmy Kimmel looked.

like Fozzy the bear let me think like. early General Kimmel when he was like a. little more oh yeah I could see that. bring up Fozzy can we get a look at an. idea what Fozzie looks like. um. no hold on hey oh that's Fozzie who am I. thinking of hey no that's not that old. uh driving along it takes the fun out of. my way and think they're at a highways.

what is somebody saying that right I. think it's we picked up a weirdo Life is. a Highway. I'm gonna run it all night long have you. ever done anything as good as that think. about that right artistically. do you think you've put out one thing. that it equals that song I think of that. all the [ __ ] time when you think of. one hit wonders like rat Right Round and. Round. Your Love Will Come Away just give it. time time round yeah do you think you've.

done anything as good as that once like. like put out one piece of work where you. go that was that was I take it you you. have. I think there's some there's some beats. that I've put out there that are pretty. good I think I think my cousin got bit. by a gay is as good as round and round. that made me laugh so [ __ ] hard yeah. it's a true story man it's sad too yeah. yeah. but it's like that's what the city's. gone into man it's [ __ ] Obama's. aquarium out here I mean it's it's. [ __ ] Biden's aquarium out here dude.

it's aquarium out on the streets here. bro it's insane everybody's biting I. just heard about this Hunter Biden guy. yeah he uh does he does uh crack he used. to do it they said I don't know if he's. better oh so it's not recent no oh well. then whatever I don't think everyone can. grow oh then yeah whatever I thought he. was doing it like today he was on mayor. he was on Marin's podcast I didn't hear. it though he was on Marilyn's podcast. with the Neil Marin's podcast I think. Zach.

I think you're thinking of he was on. getting Doug with high oh he was. dude I'm just gullible today man. um I feel like we haven't even started. this conversation when we started the. show yeah okay okay. he was on Marc Maron wow and Mark Maron. you know Mark Maron he'll hold you to. the fire did he did he say so tell me. about the crack in the bathtub in the. listen to it did he. Marin's been doing he's got like a beef.

I guess or something with Rogan and Shob. huh uh or like some of his material and. stuff has been about. um I know he has a beef with Rogan he's. been about it I'd added a few things out. on podcasts you did yeah I was like oh. [ __ ] him I don't want to be the I'm. going to be the [ __ ] the fire starter. between this thing yeah you can [ __ ]. say that out loud I was like. we can edit this out it was just nope. it's been uh don't. I live a life where I try not to I. there's there's [ __ ] I've said on.

podcast that I completely regret yeah. but it's out there so and so if I start. editing now then I look like I've gotten. so much better I go I got to keep it. consistent yeah yeah I got to be kind of. ignorant keep going. um what do you uh only think about what. that guest is. I'll give you I'll give you I'll give. you a huge hint. and I just don't think is it that singer. oh I would love to have pink. I would love to have pink. I would love to have pink and not tell. my wife and daughters and have them walk.

in and they would. [ __ ] lose their [ __ ] I'll tell you. what I'll even tell go this far pink and. bring her boyfriend and I'll get a. tattoo right there yeah cause her. boyfriend does the two work oh he does. heart heart heart heart foundation or. something heart and weight heart I like. Kat Von D boy I like Kat Von D too she's. in recovery I think her tattoos are much. better now why yeah I heard there was a. period of time where they're a little. sloppy she was like yeah yeah yeah yeah. yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna hit the. cocktail and she was like I added to it.

she was hot and she still is hot as [ __ ]. oh yeah she looks good man bring her. picture up bring up a picture of it she. is really sexy yep. yeah she looks nice dude. um was there a fur before you loved your. wife was there a first love for you did. you ever have like yeah yeah wow. Jennifer Stevens eighth grade oh eighth. grade she really dialed in what I liked. in women she had great feast she still. has great feet I'm sure great feet feet. yeah she used to sit in Mr yarnell's.

class with her foot like this and she. just dangled her oh she dangled her shoe. and I seventh grade eighth grade. it's the first time I realized I was. straight where I was like like whatever. a gay kid goes I think that's why I'm. empathetic towards like anyone who's. struggling with their sexuality I've I. don't think maybe I haven't always been. like this but I think definitely when I. realized that at that moment I was out. of control I was I was I wanted I wanted.

uh tan blonde women for the rest of my. life with great feet great feet were had. to be a thing. I was out of control I couldn't control. my thoughts I never listened to Mr. yarnell's class all I really learned is. about barnstorming it seemed to be the. only thing more interesting than. Jennifer Stevens feet and uh. and then dangle that sandal oh God and I. remember being like Oh I'm [ __ ]. um bit by the bug oh and so if that if. you feel that way about boys and you're. a boy you know like at the same age. eighth grade and you're like.

God damn it man but it must be crazy at. that age because all boys are suddenly. being like I've been jerking off all. night and you're just sitting there as a. gay boy you're like it would all be so. hard especially like we used to do a lot. of gay [ __ ] growing up like if you got. in the shower and you weren't and you. were like a little white we'd start. slapping you and then we just put. handprints all over you imagine being an. albino gay kid trying to figure yourself. out and you get in there and everyone's. like slapping you're like oh. hey if you opened those cigars you're.

like I'm bad I'm bad those cigars are. really great cigars they are yeah. they're tatuates. this is an interesting point because. like when did you find out you were. straight. let me thank God the meaning it was in. you you went what the [ __ ] was that you. know like not just going like uh you. know watching Wonder Woman and being. like she looks pretty or whatever but. like you're like I'm in love with this. girl I need I want this girl in my life. and I got her I got Jennifer Stevens I. dated her for like probably six months.

wow she broke up with me to date. Thompson rankins. um that's the whitest name you'll ever. it was the worst he was the coolest dude. yeah he was he was the first guy that. taught me that was okay to shower like. with other dudes yeah him Truett Gardner. him into a gardener okay that's enough. dudes in the shower okay. even in the story I feel like we don't. need. you're just like you told me Ron was. there Alan they told me I needed to name. my dick really yeah they told me they. like I I was really uncomfortable I was.

in like probably eighth grade they were. in ninth grade and we were playing. football JV football and uh we all had. to get in the shower afterwards and I. was really uncomfortable and then and by. the way I'm sorry they're two grown men. in their 50s with children and just. sharing the story yeah and they're like. hey man if you're uncomfortable this is. so [ __ ] bizarre they're like if. you're uncomfortable. there's a process yeah showering your. boxers I said for real and they go we. don't care if you're not comfortable. with your body showering your boxers I. was like I can shower my boxers and go. hey it's just us we don't give a [ __ ] so.

I shout out to my boxers and then the. next day after football practice I came. into my boxers. and they were like uh they're like you. know one day you're gonna have to you. know just let you know like there's. gonna be other guys in here it's gonna. be weird you're in your boxers it's okay. with us but like one of the things you. can do to help you feel a little more. confident name your dick I said for real. I said yeah I named my dick John Henry. that day oh yeah yeah I need my dick. John Henry and and I got very. comfortable showering I got very. comfortable showering and then I went to. an all boys Catholic High School and I. got uncomfortable again really oh they. had Hogs they had like legit Hogs really.

dude and they had because I was. showering in JV football so the oldest. kid was ninth grade right I go to in the. ninth grade and now I'm showering with. like seniors and they were men they were. grown men with [ __ ] yeah and I had a. penis like I I saw the penis they had. [ __ ] wow and I remember remember broken. your heart. uh Panic it was more Panic yeah Panic it. was like panic I was the same size as. Thompson and Drew we were all like. roughly just boys you know and then you. go in and you see like hairy [ __ ] and.

they this is I don't remember this about. the showers I just had the the one. Sprout like the one mushroom with all. the spigots on it and you'd and so. everyone was showering around to one. pole and so it was like eight dudes. around one pole showering so everyone's. looking at each other's dicks almost. like an octopus that's insane they did. that and the only thing to block you. from seeing the person's dick was that. pole that one pole but then you're. looking at Dicks all over here and then. dudes would piss on you and you're like. oh [ __ ] what am I how much I think I'm. getting sexually assaulted oh man yeah I.

remember that very distinctly dude I oh. man I was so scared to go anywhere where. they had. um where everybody had to be like naked. and stuff you know I was like I think it. was very good look at it that's it yeah. were you really yeah I think so man it. was also like really. I remember like. what are we talking about the first. penis we ever saw first penises I ever. saw first penis I ever saw where I went. okay that's bigger than mine wow was. Jeff Hartley wow and I remember did you.

tell him uh no but he knew he knew oh he. knows to this day and by the way he's. he's the only one watching this going. that's right. he's gonna clip this out and send it. around to our friends so he'll be like. hey. um we had uh oh I remember I've told. this story before but we had a fella. somebody got a hot tub in our town right. yeah and we'd never I mean no one even. could imagine it right yeah so we go.

over there at somebody's birthday party. this fell a little William. and it was his birthday and some guy who. got invited there was older than us. so we're all in the hot tub just being. children I mean we were young you know. probably 10 or 11. yeah and this other. fella uh this other fella CJ was his. name anyway he's under the water and. he'd been pleasuring himself and we. didn't know so he stands up and just. starts like spewing out into the. thing oh that's so unfair and bro we'd.

never seen it we didn't know what was. happening right yeah and little William. grab thought something was had like his. but like he was leaking out of his body. he was just gonna. keep he applied first aid he was like I. said eternity. before he put two he put two hands on me. this kid was big dude this kid had. probably won a title belt doing. something and he was just he put two. hands on it and the big guy punched him. in the neck bro and I always felt so bad.

for that kid like just how do you all. those first moments at once you see the. ejaculate and then you try to help and. then you get [ __ ] and now it's in the. water so it's coming up on your do you. remember when you jerk off in the tub. and then you didn't realize that the [ __ ]. would just get on your chest hairs yeah. and it would like press it this way so. it looked like you'd put gel in your. stomach do you remember time like when. you first started jerking off what was. your move because like mine was mine was.

to like rub it like this oh against your. stomach yeah like put it on my back and. then rub it like this and then wow. almost like a clitoris kinda yeah kinda. yeah exactly wow and then and then I. realized. I realized like I remember watching. movies and they were like hey and then. like one day I kind of put pen to paper. getting all Italian but they go like. they go out you know he's in there. jerking off and I was like yeah I guess. his movie jerking off I didn't know.

and then one day I went I did it and I. went oh that makes sense that's why. they're doing this because they do it to. their dicks and it's so much more. efficient and I was like no that's. that's all I'm gonna do it for now on. suddenly you're just walking around town. just playing songs guys I'm alive I'm. alive I used to think jerking off was. gay wow and I kind of came to terms with. being gay because I was like I can't. quit yeah I was like I guess I'm gay I. guess if this is gay I'm gay as [ __ ] I'm. [ __ ] the gayest dude in town because. I'm jerking off at least once a day oh.

damn bro damn that's insane man yeah. that's when there were rumors about gays. oh so you didn't know you were like I. guess I'm getting AIDS yeah like because. I didn't ages on 2020 and they didn't. tell you how you got AIDS they told you. they just told you gay guys were getting. it and I'm jerking off like [ __ ]. three times a day going [ __ ] I'm getting. AIDS I remember going down to my dad and. going do you think this is AIDS wow and. he was like huh I was this close to. going I'm jerking off a lot okay I'm gay. just on 2020. they said us that we're. getting AIDS and so do you think I have.

AIDS I remember thinking because they. were it was uh it was uh carcinoma In. Their Skin it was like skin cancer oh. yeah smokers little yeah smokers. freckles they used to call them yeah and. so uh my dad's like you don't have AIDS. I was like are you sure and he's like. I'm 100 certain you don't have AIDS wow. he's like is there something I need to. know about you and I was like. I never mind wow I almost told him I. jerked off twice oh the first time it. ever happened first time it ever. happened. I was uh I'll save the names for where I.

was but I was in a pool and there was a. hose with a gun on it and I I don't know. I just shot my dick and then all of a. sudden it was just you shot the hose at. your wiener underwater underwater yeah. it feels that's a good that's a good. thing by the way I did that I did that. when I was like 45 randomly I was in a. pool and I was like and I had a hose and. I just I just randomly just sprayed my. balls see if it felt good 45. dude. holds up still cool. [Laughter]. just disclose the jerking off in my butt.

in your own pool I was like oh come on. man I can't do that to my family my. [ __ ] wife comes out of the pool her. hair is over to the side like something. about Mary I'm like sorry no but uh I. remember jerking off in that pool or. like jerking off and masturbating with. the hose in the pool yeah I'm gonna go. pick up someone at the airport and I. almost and I had my first orgasm. I'd had white dreams as a kid I didn't. know what they were but I had wet dreams. and and I knew they were like the best. dreams I was always riding horses in. those dreams and so I almost said to my.

dad I had the craziest thing happened to. me today dude every so what you're. saying though the the uh I'm sorry I'm. stuck on that horse thing please. and you just what I would be riding. horses. and and then I'd have a wet dream I'd. have an orgasm like first grade through. third grade okay so I'd have wet dreams. and it was always me riding horses and. then Theo I rode a horse at full Sprint. was there anything in your butt you feel. like I was just okay it was like a.

vibration like a. [Music]. um. and then I'd be riding a horse riding a. horse and then I just I just have a wet. dream not wet dream it was just a it was. a nocturnal Mission but it wasn't like. like it was just an orgasm while you. sleep but what is it like is it like I'm. gonna tell me like well. it's funny because I really it was just. me on a horse just riding a horse okay. and then. and then all of a sudden I'd be riding. the horse and I would my dick would be. hard I was a kid and I'd just be like. huh well and then boom it would hit and.

I would wake up oh yeah that was [ __ ]. I need to get a horse yeah I need to get. a horse ASAP Richard yeah your black. stallion came out where the kid was. riding on the beach I was like luckiest. kid in the [ __ ] world I can't just. ski just blowing loads all over a horse. you know losing your hair it's it's. alarming to a man. because you've had your hair your whole. life. and people don't turn it in there's not. a lost and found for your hair where you. can go over there and rummage through.

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when you use our promo code Theo at. checkout just pay five dollars shipping. that's bluechew.com promo code t-h-e-o. to receive your first month free. take care. of your body get that wiener Stout baby. and then and then I rode a horse as an. adult I rode a horse for Travel Channel. at full Sprint I wonder if I remember. this or not.

um I was we were in Texas we were. running uh buff uh Buffalo through Texas. and they brought me out and they've got. me and I got real comfortable on a horse. and then the guy John I forget his last. name John was the he ran the. I mean nothing that you can't be. stunning gay but like you can be a stun. gay now there's very there's like really. I think gangster [ __ ] gay dudes you. know I mean. nowadays you can't like I think kids are.

growing up with such fluidity that I. don't think they see gay the way we saw. one of their kids yeah they just are. like no you fall in love with the person. um but but he this guy John said why. don't you take her and let her go loose. and and I never really ridden a horse at. full Sprint oh it is it is. dare I say better than average sex. it's way better than average sex like. great sex is hard to beat but just you.

know run on the Middlesex like sober. morning pound one out sex. there's a moment when you're riding a. horse so there's like three speeds okay. there's a a walk there's a gallop and. then there's a Cantor and then there's a. run gallop's a little painful it's just. like boom boom boom boom I've done this. really sucks and then a Cantor is like. and then when you yeah you get that. horse going there's a moment where.

you and the horse become one you become. one the horse uh the energy of the horse. Takes Over your energy and dictates what. you do and there's a moment where your. body and that horse's neck are going at. the same that's me on that horse that's. my horse and you're going at the same. rate and you're [ __ ] flying. it is the purest Joy I've ever had where. I wasn't it's like a roller coaster but. but even more dangerous because you're. like and you're just smiling ear to ear.

and and my hat flew off my hair is in. the wind I'm like yeah yeah I didn't. realize I was super about to get hurt. John's like slow the [ __ ] down. really yeah because I was out of control. I was completely the horse was in. control I wasn't in control and did a. horse's know to stop or keep going uh. you so you got to stop with your your. legs your legs your ass you got to put. your ass into the back of the horse so. he knows hey we're done because if he. doesn't if he feels you up in the stir. UPS he's like yeah [ __ ] let's open this. [ __ ] up this is what I was meant to do.

this is my natural speed the way I drink. at airports is the way horses run yeah. that's when you see me at a full clip at. an airport and they're like another one. I go yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm in Gallup. mode baby that is where a horse [ __ ]. like I mean just [ __ ] show a horse. run into full speed it's so beautiful. and you'll see what I'm talking about. the neck does this and you get into this. symbiotic moment with your horse where. you become one it's the coolest thing to. have an animal what a half a ton between.

your legs. and just be this that's a that's a car. oh no they're doing a horse okay does it. make you does it give you anything see. okay so that's like a that's a Cantor. okay and then do you see the way the. neck yeah kind of just look at the neck. and then you're going up the neck's. going down and then you guys meet back. up again at the same place it's almost. like it really is the best rhythmic no. feet on the ground no feet on the ground. you're just flying oh my God this is.

what a horse was meant to do anything. against this is against that animal. horse man to run at full speed that's. why it's that's why marriage just. doesn't make sense to me at times yeah. it's for not for me because it is. because I'm I'm out to pasture I'm old. horse you think so I like to run but. like my running's internally like like. last night starts with my wife is. [ __ ]. yeah dude my wife and I got into that. moment into that [ __ ] are you on the. back or the bottom or what. I was on the bottom I was on the bottom.

wow but she was like Leanne was playful. fun she was drunk playful fun crazy. [ __ ] and there was a moment where. you're just you're both moving at the. right time yes but like for some guys. I've had some of that before some guys. some guys men are meant to Sprint some. guys mentioned my buddy Croy he was. meant to Sprint he was meant to be out. there that's his way his brain works he. just can't stop doing sex out there with. strangers uh well yeah I mean women that. he gets yeah women that he dates I mean. he's dead now so but uh yeah yeah but.

because he was a [ __ ] horse everyone. wanted him to be a [ __ ] Pony and he. was a [ __ ] son I mean I don't know. look I love the guy I'm missing a ton. but some guys are [ __ ] sprinters you. know don't try to [ __ ] I used to have. a bit about it about how women catch. horses or maybe it's misogynistic now. but they catch you and then they you. know like because you just like running. on top of mountains. lightning striking and then these. settlers just staring up at the mountain. going I'm gonna give me that horse yeah. and then they come up with a bag of. carrots carrots [ __ ] and they're.

like you probably heard this joke before. and they're like hey come here and. you're like blow jobs. and then when they pet you. so when you the really interesting thing. about horses. so horses like this is kind of crazy. this blew me away but horses are are out. in past like when you go when I every. morning I had to have to go get my horse. so my horse would be in a [ __ ] field. uh-uh and so I you have to go get your. horse and you whistle or you just go. over there hey boy hey boy and they like. it and you bring like a carrot or an. apple and he'd be like. they don't know they're getting caught.

right they don't want to be caught. and he just comes over and the way you. catch a horse is you throw a rope over. his neck just throw a rope a rope over. his neck boom he's yours my wife did. that to me just threw a rope over my. neck I didn't even know I was caught I. didn't even know I was caught next thing. I got two kids [ __ ] five mortgages. I'm caught man I can't run anywhere. that's true huh you're done I'm done I'm. cool with it I'm cool with it was there. a point where you ever thought like hey. if I'm gonna get if I'm gonna get back.

out there I gotta get back out there now. I remember that moment we were on the. beach. or the beach and she said hey. she'd dumped me and and I knew very. acutely that I needed her in my life and. so I won her back I made like a mixtape. I made a mixtape I wrote a letter I. cried in my shower I cried in my car I. cried everywhere yeah went on a run-up. running I was coming down Outpost by Ben. Affleck's old house and uh and the sun. was setting and it just rained and I.

said to God this is what we were talking. about earlier and this is a hint on who. I won on my podcast I said to God if you. give me this woman I won't [ __ ] it up I. won't cheat on her I won't misbehave I. won't like I'll follow whatever I'll be. a good man I'm I I'll learn I'll go to. therapy I'll do all the [ __ ] you need me. to do to be it like the guy she wants. and I got back to my uh my house and she. was sitting on my bed in a sundress no I. swear to God and I went oh you're. [ __ ] listening I was like hmm careful. what you wish for right I was like. because then you're like so we talked.

right we go to dinner out at like some. place in Malibu. I have a panic attack at dinner just. tell my daughter this the other day and. and then we went to the beach we went. out to Zuma at night yeah Zuma sat there. and she said I'll take you back. but I need to know that this is going to. be real. like that that we could like this is. going to lead to something and I. remember at that moment it's like it's. the natural horse Instinct where you go. yeah like wait should I run.

should I run or just stay here with the. carrots and the petting. and I was like. and I thought to myself if I walk away. there's other there'll be another check. is that is the hopes of that better than. this and I thought about it and I was. like nope this is the best thing I can. get in my head that sounds cheap but. this is the best thing I uh that's ever. come in my way. like just a good person like I don't. want to miss this yeah she was like. she's all the things you could ever say. about I never say about my wife the one.

thing I know about my wife is she's a. good person she cares about me she cares. about like she's selfless like real. selfless like uh I'm pretty. self-centered I said to these girls the. other day I said you know I bust my ass. on the road. for you guys and Leanne goes no you. don't. he's like yeah no you don't I don't. think. has anything to do with anybody else. it's you she goes you're because I was. supposed to not work in December and.

then I got offered Alaska and I was like. [ __ ] y'all do Alaska and she's like. you're doing that for you you're not. you're not like winning Christmas. presents you're doing it because it's an. arena in Alaska and you want to go. snowboarding for a week and I was like. oh yeah I do this all for me she's like. it's all about you you're not doing Red. Rocks for us you're doing it for you you. you do pot like like I'm [ __ ] she's. taking the dog to the vet she's like you. want to go I was like I gotta go work. but I want to be here with you because. you made me laugh so like I'm like it's. he does nothing for her she does. everything for us so and I need that.

teammate oh yeah you're a partner in. crime that's my lab partner yeah yeah so. she's my Hillary Clinton yeah. yeah that's a bad example but she's. hotter than Hillary though yeah way. hotter. um it's a good hint yeah what else is. going on I haven't seen you in a while I. haven't seen you in forever I know I've. just seen you on social media and you've. been so busy man it's crazy I was gonna. name my tour the relapse tour no yeah. are you serious yeah I got a lot of [ __ ]. for that did you yeah because I've never. been in recovery so some people are.

pretty sensitive about that oh yeah I. can see that maybe and so he was so. jealous no I'm sorry yeah I was I just. was uh because I started the birdie Boy. tour and then um and then it got. canceled because of covid and then I did. the uh I did the drive-in movie theaters. and I I loved that one hot summer nights. is a great I love that title of that. branding I love the everything the the. bus what it looked like it was so fun it. was so kind of like 1980s bright colors. and then when they're like hey you gotta. rename your new tour but you gotta let.

them know that their tickets are still. valid for the old tour you know some. people were like uh one for the road or. back about you know whatever ever and I. just thought oh relapse would be great. not thinking that there are that. recovery is a pretty serious thing there. were some people that were upset they're. like hey man that's no [ __ ] joke and. I was like no they're all jokes to me. if you hear what I really talk about I. was being serious on that one. no no I've never done. I've never done the whole recovery thing.

and uh did you ever think about it. because you go I mean you go pretty hard. you know I think about it all the time. yeah I mean the problem I have is uh. the problem I have is that what happens. is when I feel like I'm going too hard. there's this internal kind of uh. metronome in me that goes it's time to. slow down it's time to you gotta let's. let's do a couple nights off let's you. know. and not the way like a regular person. would go like we'll just drink on. weekends you know and I'll be like I'll. just I won't drink Monday Tuesday you.

know Monday Tuesday Wednesday or like. it's gonna sound like this is gonna be. the most. horrific statement you'll ever hear me. sign a podcast trust me but like or or. you go let's let's not drink on private. jets you know like that's like if you. brought in a private jet to get yourself. to work maybe you should use that as. that really expensive plane ticket as a. time to uh recovery and and work hard. and read a script and not just part of. your [ __ ] dick off like I have the. whole time I've ever gotten private I. get on private jet and I'll be like if. I'm paying 13 000 30 000 whatever I'm.

paying for a flight I'm partying my. [ __ ] dick off we're eating Edibles. we're [ __ ] like yeah I'm gonna. [ __ ] get [ __ ] wasted oh dude and. then and then I started going no I. should probably not do that I should. probably use this as a time to work on. my business because it's a business. expense technically. so yeah so so but I always think about. it I think about there's a hint of term. who my podcast cast would be I think. about I was just a Vatican and I think. about I I.

had this epiphany. to everyone has their God right so like. Rogan's God. I'm not speaking on behalf of Joe but. like from my perspective from the. outside perspective his God is. anti-aging right like so everyone's. worried about death so what are you. going to do about death to make you feel. better when you wake up in the morning. well for Rogan is taking care of himself. it's working out hard uh staying sharp. reading listening to audiobooks and and. so it's all the anti-aging [ __ ] he does. polar plunged uh sauna stem cells uh.

um walking hyperbaric chambers yeah. thinking yeah walking and thinking or in. there but and so. that's his God yeah right uh siguro's. God is money and nice things and blood. doping whatever sugar is into I don't. really know. Ari's got his drugs is is mushrooms and. psychedelics and Molly the Shadows yeah. and and and dark traveling so like. everyone's got their God and then some. people we know that growing up their God.

is really God they believe in God and. that's the thing that gets them through. their day is they take a minute and pray. and then I was like I was like well and. so like all our friends were did don't. believe in the real guy well don't. believe in God but do their own God I go. what if I just added a little bit of. real God to me like what if I tried to. find what if I legit what if I legit was. like open to Faith Like open to like. maybe something. maybe because I was at the Vatican and I.

have like I have all the. like the crosses and the the medals for. the Saints. I genuinely love your brain I love your. brain you make me giggle so [ __ ] hard. oh thanks. so much this morning for the long time. trying to stay off vaping so are you. really yeah really Jesus brother. you know how many people women are. vaping man uh yeah children I mean the. whole families are laying in their bed. at night [ __ ] clouds of smoke yeah.

leaving chimneys people think it's like. that it's just a warm home inside or it. looks or they think that uh someone. opened a mummy's casket and the curse. got passed on everyone. yeah I uh I never Vaped oh I mean vape. marijuana but get out of it out there. um okay so what else happened. so I'm in the Vatican and I'm like. beautiful. it's really beautiful. it's uh We snuck a little thing of. salami's in there too when we went for. real yeah I'm just nibbling on it yeah. there's no food summer sticks you know.

bring up that summer sausage do summer. sausage is good it's kind of it's kind. of a deceptive name too yes summer. sausage Rogan gave me some summer. sausage oh it's so good man bring up a. stick of that God it's good and you do. that with elk you gave me a summer. sausage with elk. [ __ ] and I didn't know what it was I. tried to cook it and I was like I don't. think this needs to be cooked damn a. huge I feel like if you you bite into. that a Warp Zone will open up in your. local butcher shop dude that [ __ ] sounds. insane huh but look yeah we would nibble.

on that while we're walking through. there we got a couple of these I. couldn't even have a water you couldn't. I don't think so because I think they. don't want people watering down the art. or watering down the statue yeah because. we did the whole tour like we did. Sistine Chapel all the artwork and then. yeah I don't think we had any we could. have anything to drink and then at the. end we were [ __ ] starving we were. [ __ ] starving and we're buying and. we're buying uh merch they do sell merch. like that like it's funny we were buying. merch and uh and George and I are like.

I'm about to eat my [ __ ] flip-flop. and I was like yeah let's let's go get. somebody and so we went to we had a. really. shitty actually launch. and we want it looks like a pizza place. or something yeah it wasn't even good. pizza yeah that's the worst it's that's. one of the worst things about being a. tourist in another country everything. looks like it's perfect because of the. setting yeah and then you realize that. you're like you know just some kind of. just run at a mill joint yeah Italy a. drink. perfectly in Italy oh wow. perfectly I mean so here's my thing with.

drinking if I if I Day drink it [ __ ] me. up I can't Day drink really so like I. can only drink I need to have that's why. the road works well for me because I. don't have my first drink till like. midnight oh wow yeah yeah so I'll drink. midnight till two whenever bus call is. maybe have a pop on the bus not lately. because I have acid reflux so usually. you just have a couple drinks you know. after the show two or three drinks and. then on the bus go to sleep maybe hit a. vape pen. let a joint go to bed and and I'm out. listen to a podcast I'm out and then. wake up the next day a little late but I. don't drink the whole [ __ ] day so.

that's really good for me because day. drinking if I that's why I don't drink. on Jets or drink on planes because I if. I Day drink on a plane then it goes out. throughout the day and then that really. puts a dent on your on your on your. Wellness like you just feel like [ __ ]. your sweat smells like piss you're shaky. your piss smells like sweat. no your sweat smells like piss too both. of them yeah both of them I mean when. you're in my balls smelled I drank all. day yesterday [ __ ] uh started it like. seven so you just did it yeah yesterday.

but I but I busted my ass in the gym. today so it got out of me yeah but uh my. balls smelled the worst anyone's balls. have ever smelled in their entire life. when I got in the shower to come here I. took a little dab and sniff and I was. like. whoo that's worse than armpits oh that's. [ __ ] and that was that was booze so. how jealous do you think the front the. the how jealous do you think the back of. your balls are of the front of your. balls dude. well the back of your balls hang out. with your [ __ ] the front of your.

balls hangs out with your dick yeah I'd. much rather hang out with a dick than an. [ __ ] me too imagine just being back. there it's like living in the slums it's. like. it's like a. so it's like it's like I'm trying to. think of two Comics one a dick and one's. an [ __ ] would you want to hang out. with. uh. maybe Dice and uh wait which is nice I. mean you can fit either way probably. dice could be a dip but that's also his. brand though yeah but it's like an.

ironic dick right right yeah he's an. ironic like he's uh he's he's just who. likes being a dick Jizzle Nick kind of. is he a dick I don't know he's just kind. of morose I think he's just quiet I. think he's just a I think Jeselnik is. like a Justin looks like Segura they. don't need to talk to people I need to. talk to people I have talked to people. I'm gonna stand outside oh Tom doesn't. he's kind of he can do his own thing huh. he could not speak for the rest of his. life I think other than on stage and. he'd be very happy wow he does not need. to speak like he does not I get into a. car with someone and I am chitty chatty.

Kathy yeah the whole ride yeah you're. really you like to be alive I love being. alive it's like my favorite part of. being alive is loving that you're alive. right like if you just kind of go I'm. alive. you know there's times where I'm you. know there's times where I'm I wake up. and I'm rough this is when we're talking. about like the recovery brain of like. man what what should I do and then. I think the difference is I wake up and. if I feel a little down a little. depressed maybe a little hungover maybe. a little shaky from partying too hard I.

go you have two options today you can. lose today you can lose it you're. allowed to you're allowed to take a. Xanax Tap Out get back in bed crank up. the AC throw on Netflix put it on a. Spanish-speaking cooking show and just. go to sleep for the whole day you can do. that or you can choose to win the day. where you get up you have a coffee you. Barrel through it you go to the gym you. work out and you just ignore that voice. in your head that goes hey man we're not. going to be able to do this today you go. I'm not listening to you today I chose. to seize today and and and knowing for. me knowing that I have that tap out of.

like hey we can call it a day we can. wake up and call it a day make a. breakfast sandwich eat a Xanax watch. Netflix crank up the AC blackout. curtains sleep wake up at eight and have. a cocktail with your wife and have a. great [ __ ] day we can do that or we. can push through the day we can get up. early we can go have a coffee we have a. treat maybe a little bit of Instagram a. treat you know a little yeah and then. get in the gym push through it piss. sweat in the sauna in the polar plunge. and you will feel better you will feel I. promise you you will feel better and.

what do you choose I always choose the. the one where I work out I always choose. it I've choose I've chosen. Xanax before I have right I have my wife. always knows it and she's like oh it's. so funny I thought you were different. than that but you just gotta you gotta. choose to not listen to that voice in. your head that's going we can't do this. man this is too hard like you've ever. gotten up. I think that's where some people. struggle with like alcoholism I think. that void it's not even sometimes about. the drugs alcohol it's just about that. voice the next day and how much it like.

haunts them or like how much it like the. drugs Now call fuel whatever the. negative feelings like it just it's such. a gasoline on those thoughts and. feelings do you ever feel like do you. ever feel like maybe and uh by the way. we don't have to keep this in if you. don't want to but do you ever feel like. I always wondered with you because I. know you're sober do you ever feel like. maybe there was just aspects of your. sobriety maybe there was aspects of your. partying they should never have been. included yeah like cocaine yeah like.

that should never have been in your mix. right and you should have never been. introduced to it and had you never been. introduced to it you may be able to have. a few beers with people I'm not saying. by the way I'm not I'm not oh I want you. to I want your happiness you want to. think about that every day you are you. are a joy to listen to literally. honestly a treat when you come up I I. I it's funny who your kids like right. like Georgia just thinks you are [ __ ]. the cat's pajamas you make her giggle so. hard Isla's a big Tim Dylan fan that.

makes sense right and Dylan's great but. like I don't want to [ __ ] with either of. you or Tim sobriety but you ever think. that way oh yeah cocaine I can't do it. it [ __ ] me up so bad that I want to. quit everything yeah I go [ __ ] it it's. like the next day off of cocaine I'm. literally. um I'm literally waiting for the stroke. to hit I'm going like it's coming right. now it's coming right now why did I do. this why did I do this to myself yeah. it's like that no whammys like that game. show yeah oh whammys no whammies it's a. heart attack God damn it my heart's.

racing dude yeah cocaine's just insane. man if I'd never found cocaine yeah I'd. never had any problem with anything else. is that crazy so sometimes I think maybe. at some point I would just not do. cocaine but yeah I mean it leads to it. yeah that's the problem is it's once you. once you find out you can once you find. out you can just turn around in the. media and go the other direction on the. highway it's really hard to not do that. every time yeah like if you never knew. if you never knew you couldn't do that. yeah when people were like yeah I I and.

then I realized why I never even super. enjoyed drinking because cocaine you. like I can get messed up right now. right now and marks get go you know what. I'm saying it really does it really is. so much better than a shot it's just. like it's like and I remember the first. time I ever did cocaine I was in New. Orleans and uh and my buddy had a rock. and he had a screen of a damn this makes. me want to touch my [ __ ] dick even. hearing about it he told me he was one.

of my best friends to this day one of my. best friends and uh he said I we were. looking for uh ecstasy and he said I. don't have any ecstasy and I said but. you're partying right and he was like I. am the same age uh. and he goes I and what do you look like. a white guy a really good looking guy. more Italian more looking like. Michelangelo. um you know you know Michelangelo's name. wasn't Michael Angelo it was in one word. it was one word and it was and that was.

part of a bigger name I thought it was. Michelangelo not like Michelangelo. Pizzeria uh Mussolini that's a black. Italian I think if it's the full one. yeah. it's amazing there aren't more. michelangelos anyway. he he said I have cocaine and I said I. said you I remember going you do you do. cocaine and he goes I I yeah we do. cocaine he was like and I was like is it. safe and he was like yeah it's totally. safe he goes here's the deal look me in. the eyes and he said.

it's really good and it could become a. problem and he goes in it it has for. friends like trust me and I was like. what should I do and he goes he goes you. got to make that decision on your own so. I went off to my buddy who I was looking. for Ecstasy with and I said we can't get. XC but we can get cocaine and he was. like he's like I'll do it and I was like. I was like I've never done it he goes. it's it's pretty good and I was like. really and he was like yeah. so we went back I said I'll do something. didn't have to buy it he just gave us. you know I grew up with a kid and he.

shaved it off of the screen of like a. window it was a screen it was a screen. that was on like a a tilt so it was like. two sticks yeah with a screen that went. like this and it was maybe this big. that's Carpenter's cut dude that [ __ ] is. good he shaved it off of that and it. feathered down. and he cut a line and uh he said snort. half of that with one with your nose and. I swear the whole thing with one nostril. yeah and he goes that that's I think. you're good and I went okay and Theo.

immediately from this tooth over and. this tooth over went ice numb the whole. side of my face and I went I was like. whoo I thought woo and my first thought. was I I remember I could walk outside. and rip a tree out of the ground and. carry it around tonight. but I'm so smart that I won't do that. because if they see me with a tree. they'll go he's on cocaine so I'm not. ripping trees out and then I was like I. think I'm gonna need to do the other.

nose because this side isn't numb and he. was like okay just a little one and he. gave me another line and I did the other. side and this tooth went sing I mean I. could hear it Go. and it went all the way over there and I. said uh I looked at my buddy. and that might oh I won't say his name. the buddy I was partying with Ron and uh. close and so I said to our other friend. I said I think I think we're gonna go. down to the Bourbon Street and he was. like okay he's like he's like no cell. phones he's like we'll see you later and. I was like great and I looked at my. buddy and I said let's go have some fun.

we took a little bit of pouch with us. and we had one of the most exciting. nights of our lives and and and maybe I. don't even think we did any more cocaine. throughout the night I think we maybe. did a key bump maybe yeah but I don't. think we did any more and we had a. greatest [ __ ] night of our life and. then that night went back passed out my. truck. woke up when the sun was coming up with. the most acutely searing anxiety attack. I've ever had in my life and we had an. eight ball left that my buddy gave me.

for to take home and and we had to drive. to take home yeah yeah and so I took the. eight ball I put it in my Cherokee we. drove from New Orleans to Tallahassee. and all my brain did was like I hurt my. brain you know you got regular brain. where you go. hey maybe we should pull over and get. McDonald's and your little regular brain. regular little guy you've been with your. whole life and then you go oh that. sounds like a good idea and he's like I. just thought I'd put it around bring it.

up yeah and so I get in the car and. little brain's like dude we still have. that cocaine right and I was like yeah I. put it in the it's in the middle and. he's like are you sure that's a good. idea and then all of a sudden this this. [ __ ] anxiety voice goes what the [ __ ]. are we traveling with cocaine dude we're. going to [ __ ] jail what the [ __ ] you. need to pull over right now you need to. hide that in one of your bags either. that or do it we gotta do cocaine. that'll make the drive so much better. and I was like should we get food and. he's like [ __ ] that we've got iron. stomach we can't get our dick hard and.

we can't [ __ ] let's drive drive it was. like Sam Sam Kinison was in my head and. man I I tell you very candidly I haven't. got rid of that voice forever that's why. I don't [ __ ] around with cocaine is that. [ __ ] voice the next day all that fun. that was it's not worth it to hear that. guy yeah just we better get out of bed. you're on blood pressure medicine what. the [ __ ] did we do last night. you know I've needed mental health uh. therapy. good God I needed it. hell if if mental health there if they.

had a swim team I would join it. because all damn backstroking my own. feelings all day. if you need help or mental health. therapy or considering it better help. might be the solution. that's right find a therapist that can. help you become a better Problem Solver. making it easier to accomplish your. goals no matter how big or small better. help is convenient. it is accessible affordable and entirely.

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that's. b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p.com slash Theo. you know it's impossible to cancel. subscriptions. you know I had a subscription to. something I don't remember what it was. it was a um. a Cane Company walking canes and candy. canes one month they send you a walking. cane and next month they send you a. sugar cane so you was eat you know. getting sweet and you were um. you know taking care of a limp or. something or helping a senior.

but damn it's impossible to cancel the. subscription. so I got canes showing up everywhere. just it's it's gotten ridiculous. it's just it's not fair to have to. cancel everything and they make it so. hard they trick you they scamming that's. why I love using rocket money formerly. known as true bill that's right you can. cancel unnecessary subscriptions with. rocket money today go to rocketmoney.com. Theo.

seriously it could save you a hundred. dollars a year hundreds you know you. might have a subscription of this to. could be Netflix or uh you know. gummyworms.net or whatever that you. don't know. you could have said marshmallow. subscription. and you just your whole mailbox is just. all fluffy bunied out you can't even get. any mail and just nightmares. so you got to take care of yourself and. take care of your subscriptions rocket. money can help rocketmoney.com Theo get.

rid of useless subscriptions with rocket. money now go to rocketmoney.com Theo. yeah man that thing that that's the. thing it's like you don't want to fuel. that voice because in some people that. voice is already kind of uh like. animated yeah and so yeah sometimes. people are drinking to shut that voice. off right and then and when you sober up. that voice goes he's just hear him wake. up like what the [ __ ] did you you tried. to kill me with alcohol last night oh. Welcome to Hell [ __ ] let's check.

our dick we got genital warts. yeah dude I mean that voice that's why. Xanax is so great Xanax I never had no. Xanax oh Xanax just grabs him real quick. like a [ __ ] Gracie grabs his ghee and. goes like this good night good night. you're good tonight in bed now and he's. like crap can't breathe can't breathe. and then all of a sudden Xanax comes you. come out of his Xanax and you hear that. voice and he's like he's like how long. have I been out for. and you're like all right you're good. man just lay there for a little bit lay.

there wake up and he's like okay. holy [ __ ] what day is that and you're. like it's Thursday and he's like no [ __ ]. what are we doing this weekend like. don't worry about we're gonna have a. drink later tonight let's just shut the. [ __ ] up and he's like. dude I got [ __ ] up last night what. happened It's like because my whole. thing's shutting that voice down by the. way I'm sure there's someone who runs a. Recovery Center that right now that's. like oh Bernie's going to recovery. tomorrow. and by the way we need to can't get rid. of this podcast you've just got everyone. back on go game. I don't know man well these days also. cocaine got too dangerous to even do so.

it's like funny now one of the things. that keeps me from doing cocaine is. cocaine because it's like it's not it's. just there's no reliability with it like. I remember uh. uh trying to convince somebody like oh. this guy gets legit cocaine and like. where does he get it from and I'm like. no you're right. he drives a [ __ ] Dodge Neon okay I'm. sure it's good dude look at this [ __ ].

line in his hair. look at his fingernails they're. pedicures we're good you know I got some. I have some friends I won't say their. name. I won't say their name and I hope. they're watching because I want to say. their name so bad because they're Comics. if I have some friends I was partying. with and we're like hey you want to get. some cocaine and I was like I'm I'm. turning 50 in November that shit's way. out of my [ __ ] I don't know it's. risky it's why there's no reason for me. to do it there's nothing there's no. benefit I I know and so I was like No. And they got it and it came with a.

fentanyl tester oh yeah they're selling. fentanyl testers but how can you test. every little grandmother can you bring. that up can we see what that looks like. I don't know they I don't know but I'll. tell you one guy went to the hospital. wow yeah it's really dangerous. um but yeah for alcoholism do you think. that you're an alcoholic no I've been. I've run it through the ringer a few. times Dr Drew's my litmus oh yeah and. I've talked to him about it he's like. you're not an alcoholic you just drink. too much it's like alcoholism is. different being powerless to alcohol is. different than drinking a lot yeah and I.

think same with like I'm a guy like Ron. White I think he was a big drinker I. don't think he was an alcoholic because. he just quit yeah I think he was like. you know same with Nick Swardson Nick. sports is just a bit or I don't think. Nick drinks anymore but he was just a. big drinker I don't think he was out. however powerless to it he's planning on. drinking again oh for real oh go for him. Nick has the best story dude Nick's like. bro I was in Denver oh he almost died in. Denver. no he did tell that oh God I was just. like here's how I just felt like he was.

almost died you know they they [ __ ]. banned it they put him in hospice they. had a police come in and go he's pretty. tried to molest him too. what do you expect dude if you're going. into hospice and you call a priest dude. somebody better touch it can you imagine. how bad it would be to be have been. molested by a priest and then be on your. deathbed and the priest walks in you're. like great the one thing I've tried to. never remember my whole life thanks for. bringing it up why don't you bring in a. snake I'm scared of them too.

oh my god dude that's got to be so true. man but Nick was so great he's like man. if you drink in Denver Beware of the. Alta he's like you got to drink water. the altitude will get you he's like I. was drinking for six weeks at a motel. and uh the out I'm like the altitude. isn't the it's not the altitude it's the. motel once you put the motel in there. yeah. you're leaving you're leaving Colorado. he's like dude if you're gonna drink in.

Phoenix man the cactus is there yeah you. know did you know there's a lot of cats. in Florida do you go down to Key West if. you're drinking anywhere near the. Hemingway House there are cats your. allergies are kick in and you'll die. from drinking yeah you go to the. hospital man oh so funny dude he's not. drinking know no he's been served for a. while man good for him but um he had a. couple cities that were like on his on. his fear list but I think that's well. that's the truth it's like you know if. you it's like I don't think Dr Drew is a.

great litmus test he's really really. awesome about all that stuff I'll tell. you right now no one comments on your. drink and if you're skinny when you're. fat and I've been really fat I kind of. still am that's when you get people. showing up I had a week where I had. three people tell me they were worried. about me but they were just worried. about me because I looked like [ __ ] and. I was fat I was 265 pounds I told. someone I told someone the other day who. was I talking to so it's 265 pounds and. he goes 270. I went no I was never 270. he goes yeah you were you just didn't. know it wow because once you weigh.

yourself at 265 going I look good today. and then you're like 265. that's [ __ ]. fat well there's days you're 270. and so. uh I think three people reach out to me. and go hey man I'm worried about you I'm. concerned for you. um one of them counted two of them. didn't. um and that didn't count but right but. you're like how do you know I was like. you haven't been around me you just saw. me one time and you were partying with. me and and and and by the way you're not. my wife you're not my best friend like. if Tommy says to me I'm worried about. you then I listen right but like.

so yeah but uh and I lost my lost like. 20 pounds and uh and then nobody said. anything no one said anything lately not. probably partying just as hard as I. always have you know yeah I mean I. thought you were gonna die before but I. think that it's I will die yes so you're. gonna win that one but I think it's. because. um. I think it's because you go so hard like. you just have I mean it's just whatever. you've always had I'm like a lot of it I. think is also Envy I'm like how does he.

keep going. watching his social media feed is making. I'm tired like I'll go I'll see three. three reels a Year's on Instagram and. have to and go get a massage you know. I'm saying I'm tired it's like wow how. does he keep going I don't know I think. it's the thing I I think uh I don't know. I think I'm a little bit of a holic it's. like I'm I'm a holic of a lot of things. but not full-blown like I'm a workaholic. I'm a workaholic I'm a workaholic. hardcore and I think maybe that's where. I put my aholism in is in like a healthy.

place but it's not healthy it it it. pulls from your family and your your. your sense of well-being and yours and. but like I don't mind being a workaholic. because I feel like you only get one. especially now because you only get one. opportunity to shine so you get an. opportunity to sell some tickets. in my opinion you you better be on the. road trying to sell some tickets if you. if you pop you know like if you have a. moment and you pop. and people go I want to see that I want.

to see what that guy's like live you. know they will forget about you so you. kind of got to go out and be like I'm. here. um I trust me I took two and I took two. and two months off and I was off social. media pretty much like I remember I was. [ __ ] around with it every now and. then but there were days where I'd have. like two stories up and I'd forget I'd. skip a whole day and and I and I had to. remind myself you have to go back to. work like you need to get ready to go. back to work and I I could very easily. be like everyone else and go like. yeah man I think I'm just gonna do. podcasts you know and and I'm not and.

not push it as hard as I do. but I only got one opportunity I'm not. gonna live forever and and I definitely. want to make sure that my family's. comfortable and I and I I love stand up. and I love podcasting I love my cooking. show something's burning I love I love. two bears I love being I love all of it. I love [ __ ] around with Joe on me on. social media and taunting them and and. hearing the text I get back from I got. five texts from Joe in my pocket and I. get episode like sober October's getting. ready and so we're [ __ ] around and.

challenging each other I love that [ __ ]. I love that but I love all of it I love. you know I love. taking in content as well it's like well. you love getting up every day I mean you. really love being a lot you love it I. love being like being a lot like today's. a great day today is a great day yeah. today's a great day I woke up it uh I. woke up at six. woke up at six caught up with Leanne we. had great sex last night so we just kind. of caught up and what is great so you. guys are doing the great sex so it's um.

and you guys now as you get older do you. have to do it for a long time is that. matter it's a lot quicker oh wow yeah we. get each other down. right so like uh like last night she. last night last night. the the the horse was already panting. okay like she was she came in bed. looking to fool around and does she do. any does she like turn a plant a certain. way or like light a candle or like do a. leave a chocolate or something no she. smiles and she's playful and she's so.

Leanne's like a little bit of a book she. bad at that wiener like a cat no no no. no no no no no not a woman do that she's. uh she's uh she's a bully so like she's. like in bed and [ __ ] with you there's a. [ __ ] yeah yeah what was she saying. last night that was so funny she kept. going uh. let's get that dick out tiger she wants. to say that. well if she was doing something that was. funny but it's bullying me and so so she. gets in like a like like a almost like a. fun bully mode let me burp that worm.

homie or something like that yeah gang. gang yeah yeah yeah that's it dude so. she but she was fun last night and then. I was like all right and so we started. messing around and and uh when when we. started I was like oh she's here to part. like she got drunk last night she never. gets drunk George had to drive us home. Leah never gets drunk never gets drunk. she drank a bottle of Rose by herself oh. if it's Rose dude somebody's giving head. and Sh and man. it was like you know. you ever been so hungry you you get uh.

Kentucky Fried Chicken and you don't. know whether the start of the mac and. cheese the mashed potatoes or to eat. some chicken yeah and you take it by the. chicken then you start before yeah you. have it all in your mouth before you. even have any of it down and you don't. even know what you're tasting yes that's. what sex was like last night like just. sloppy drunk KFC too we all doing oral. too or no oh back and forth and oh and. it was just it was all of it and. Leanne's really good at [ __ ] wow. that's awesome really really really good. she's really like she's Next Level she's. next [ __ ] level yeah a lot of women.

uh especially from a smaller Community I. hope she's called me saying that. oh I think it's admirable I just I. forget I'm doing a podcast I'm like yeah. she's really [ __ ] good oh I think. it's admirable you don't I mean there's. nothing I think it's because you grew up. in the South and most of her family. can't read that's why they're good at. blow jobs oh dude if uh. yeah I bet you got Ken who could [ __ ]. suck like nobody's business. like a third cousin or something dude is. this crazy to say this bro now I wonder.

if this is crazy is it sometimes it's. like. I'll be talking like. uh like have you ever talked do you have. what kind of siblings do you have two. sisters isn't it weird sometimes that. they've blown dudes before does that. ever seem weird to you uh you know like. yeah and uh. I don't think about it right I don't. think about the act of it but like that. they have done it right the other day I. was talking to my sister and I'm like it. just hit me and then I was like oh my. God. she's like old enough to have been.

blowing dudes and everything. yeah I got two sisters and she has three. you know she has two children and stuff. but the old uh same same mom same mom. same dad really yeah. how older sisters you're the youngest. right yeah there are they yeah they're. in their 30s so it's so funny wait wait. older sisters they're younger okay yeah. they're younger and you're like they're. in their 30s the other day I forgot I. was like you said to say something wrong. and then don't correct yourself and. you're like yeah I'm turning 40 next.

month and everyone's like and now no one. could listen to anything I said after. that I'm like. are you gonna go with that I was like. yeah right I was like I mean 50 I'm. turning 50. so that's so funny I always. thought you were an only kid for some. reason I was always thinking you had. only kid energy. um I could see that I always felt like. an only kid I like distanced myself from. my family right out of the gate yeah you. did didn't you yeah it was just like a. budget program over there I was like I. want I want a profiler to figure your. brain out because you got energy no. one's got you you got you know what you.

got you got I was hearing a story about. a man uh from Hawaii I won't say his. name only just out of respect I was. hanging out with his son and uh they. said he left home and he was 12. and. then you got that and the guy's very. successful very successful in Hawaii. um Game Changer [ __ ] Next Level dude. you got that energy you got Oprah energy. we're like you go. I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna. get there I'll make it I I don't I'll. I'll get through there. you yeah you got you're an interesting. dude well thanks man yeah I think you're.

an interesting dude man I I definitely. always get envious of your ability to. keep going it's like and yeah I think. that's where I think people think you're. gonna die is because they're like oh how. can they keep going but then I think. there's just some people who just have. the ability to keep going like do you. feel under like insane pressure by your. own schedule yep I was saying that to. when we've talked and you were like. how's everything I said it can get very. overwhelming at times very overwhelming. especially because I've set myself up.

into a scenario and I'm not I'm not. complaining at all I want to be very. clear it doesn't sound like you are this. doesn't sound like self-pity or anything. so two years a year ago two years ago no. I think just a year ago today yeah cause. I'm going Red Rocks next week. next week you just did it like a year. ago I did a year ago I'm doing it again. wow so Red Rocks was the one thing that. kind of changed my career to a tad bit. I mean you know ticket sales you know. what we can move like we're all in that. same spot where we can move maybe 5 000. on the markets pretty safe to say 2 000.

a market five thousand a market do a. theater. um and so and and I was supposed to do. red rocks with Tim Jeffries he had a kid. and he had to back out because he was. his due date was on the day we were. supposed to do the show and they said to. me hey man. we can try to find another headliner you. can do it by yourself no we know. I said me and you I and I could be. really wrong about what you're I think. you may be outselling me but like but. like 10 000 tickets in the market is a. lot that's an arena act and and I'm not. in a I wasn't at the time an arena act.

but I took I liked the challenge like I. liked the idea that no one thought I. could do it and I liked the challenge. and I went and and I knew there was I. knew there was no foul if I didn't. because I was already supposed to do. with Jim so I knew that it was like a. get out of jail free card I could take a. swing right and tug the tiger's tail and. see if I can knock him out or and blame. it on Jim and his kid yeah and if I fail. I go oh I'm supposed to do a gym but I'm. glad he had a kid I'm glad he's happy. and so I took the challenge and I. challenged myself to sell Red Rocks I.

did a lot of promo videos uh I had a. soft announcement because I was in. Serbia doing the movie my social media. numbers were slowed down because of the. way all those countries look at the. Eastern Bloc and so they just I was. getting like 25. 000 views on anything I put up I. couldn't and so I had a soft announce. for Red Rocks. but when I got back to the States I just. hit it hard on a promo video after promo. video I didn't stop thinking I didn't. stop working and I went into surgery to. get surgery on my elbow from hurting it.

and ripping my tendons off in the movie. I went into surgery and I said I'm going. to use this everyone counts this is my. way my brain wouldn't just shut off and. I said everyone counts backwards when. they go to sleep not me I'm going to. read a promo date I'm gonna be like. ladies and gentlemen I'm performing Red. Rock September 13th come see me and then. right and so I rolled into surgery guys. like what music you want to listen to I. was like CCR baby Credence yeah and we. went into surgery my arm was numb I. dropped the phone once the phone once I. threw it up my anesthesiologist is like.

what are we doing I said I'm doing Red. Rocks September 13th October 13th. September 3rd whatever September 13th uh. I'm gonna be there the night before. Jimmy Buffett I'll be a Jimmy Buffett. he's like you're going to Jimmy Buffett. I go you want to go I'd love I'd love to. go and he's like all right you're gonna. feel this and all of a sudden I'm gonna. and I dropped the phone on my chest and. I went into surgery but and then I sold. out Red Rocks I sold out red rocks and I. said it to my team I want that challenge. all the [ __ ] time put me in venues. like put me in venues give me the. opportunity I I I had a change of of a.

change of perception after Red Rocks. because I hung out and went to Jimmy. Buffett and we hung out in Red Rocks. that's us at Red Rocks last year. and what was amazing Theo is do you. remember though you'd hear those Comics. that would be like. don't ask me when I'm gonna come to. North Carolina I was just in North. Carolina and they'd blame the fans and I. was like why are you blaming the fans. it's your fault they don't know you're. the reason they didn't come to your show. they you didn't tell them you ish the. onus is on us as the performer to let.

our fans know that we're coming there so. that because they wanna they wanna I. like I have friends in Tampa who are in. love with you they want to see you it's. your job to let them know and by the way. that's where we come in you post it and. I go oh [ __ ] my friends in Tampa want to. know that's why we're you know Rogan set. up this great workaround of us helping. each other out and and letting our. friends know oh [ __ ] deal is coming out. uh Samurai has a great special on. Netflix it's not it's our job to help. bump up Sam Shang Wang special on you on.

oh yeah that's coming out it's [ __ ]. awesome when your special came out I. must have tweeted about it or text it. about it or put it on Instagram three or. four times because we all watched it we. were in Austin and we were [ __ ]. laughing hysterically and that's that's. the job of our community to lift each. other up but it's our job when I went to. when I went to Denver and and Evergreen. and all around Morrison. not one person that was in that City. said what are you doing here. everyone said I tried to take a show I. couldn't come hey how was the show Bert. hey I was at the show it was amazing not.

one person we went and looked at uh. Boulder Colorado for my daughter to go. to university Colorado yeah. all the kids on the campus how was the. show at Red Rocks Bert [ __ ] the ticket I. couldn't get the tickets it was too late. Bert it sold out before I get tickets. that's what you want and so I thought. okay so if we're talking about promotion. I get promoting once is one thing. promote your tour that's great if I go. I'm gonna go into every Market where. there's an available seat and I will. Hammer those markets until they sell out. or until they start pulling curtains. back and and I S and then and then I got.

and then they said uh I said I want to. do this thing fully loaded I want to set. up with 10 comics I want to get three. tour buses I want to do outdoor venues I. want to do Arenas I want to do baseball. stadiums I want to do all this and. they're like these are these are Big. tickets this is twelve thousand fifteen. thousand you know venues and I was like. don't worry I got this. and I challenged myself I said I'm gonna. challenge myself and I and I didn't ask. any they were all great every comic that. was almost amazing they helped repost. they helped talk about it they help sell. tickets thank God Nikki Glazer Chelsea.

Lynn Mark Norman Shane Gillis Dave David. tell Big Jay oakerson uh Fortune themes. Dustin Nickerson Taylor Thomason leave. me something they all retweeted they all. reposted they all did special posts but. I said it's all me it's my tour I. created this Festival I will [ __ ] and. I've got a editor in the back of my bus. I had another editor and I put out. content daily and EV and you watched. those people just going oh they're it's. just commercials it's just commercials. and and uh we set record attendance in.

in a ton of places that was a cheat code. because you know technically a baseball. stadium can't sit people on the infield. right so we said record attendance but. but you know whatever so yeah but but I. I looked at uh I and I and so that that. challenge when I did Red Rocks first. time it changed the way I worked so I. went I want to I want I want to prove it. to myself off I want to I want to go. bigger I want to go harder and so I just. don't shut my brain off for stand up and. I don't shut my brain off for promotion. and I don't do a lot of television shows. because it shifts the way you look at.

things I love podcasts and I think I. have a list of things I talk about on. podcasts I think I love doing a podcast. I thought about stuff I wanted to talk. to you today about and I and I love that. energy of going I get to hang out with. with a guy who everyone that's watching. right now everyone that would love to. sit down with for an hour and a half. everyone watching. would love that opportunity and by the. way I'm a fan also I watch you all the. time so I'm excited so literally it's. like.

if you said anyone what do you want to. talk to Theo about you're like I know. what I want to talk about and I write it. on a list on my phone I go to do rogue. and I write it on this it's fun getting. the opportunity to do Rogan yeah that's. enjoy yeah it's crazy it's like getting. a surf with Pro Surfers yeah I mean. today he looks you on me it makes you. look amazing yeah you know and so so I. think I'm very blessed I don't look at. any of it as work. I just go like yeah man I'll [ __ ]. push it till the wheels come off and. they'll come off they'll come off. there'll be a time where I'm like I. don't know man I don't know maybe I'll.

just die look I die in a plane crash. they never came off I just died I'll be. a [ __ ] Legend he died in a plane. crash yeah tour bus accident. not as much I think so I think that. plane crash people respect that 25 000. feet you went through yeah you know and. then wondering what he was doing the. whole time on the way down I'll tell you. what standing up drinking Jack Daniels. going [ __ ] it if it's your time to go. it's your time to go and I'm cranking up. Freebird Leonard Skynyrd if I leave here.

tomorrow some people would chime in dude. and I'm hoping I'm hoping that that. coward buckled into the back yeah tells. that story man he went down that's. Ronnie Van Zant went down like that. [ __ ] Freebird the plane's going down. and he just Ronnie put your seatbelt on. stands up follow Jack if it's your time. to go it's your time to go now in. hindsight if you want to see probably. survive but but that's that's true I. mean yeah definitely because everything. everyone lived but him.

but uh do you uh haven't done uh I know. you did your movie. um do you think cause Bobby and I just. got offered a television show right and. so it's like what is the reality the. time commitment and everything is huge. though yeah I would do. I would do another movie. I would I like that time commitment I. like that I have like a couple projects. lined up. I would do another movie I really. enjoyed that process I have to be a. producer on the movie and a creative.

part I can't just I can't be an actor. yeah I can't just sit hire me and I need. to be a part of the team that helps make. the thing make make it good make it. funny yeah yeah I like that um I like. giving notes to other actors too. uh like I really enjoy that I like the. process of making something it's really. cool um I would do a scripted single. camera. um and that's it I scripted single. camera television show I do a multicam. like a sitcom I think I'd really I I'll. tell you this and this I'm putting this.

out there I'll sell out and do like a. legit cheesy kind of bad multi-cam if. you give me like 15 years I do it in a. heartbeat if they committed to 15 years. you mean by the way or you mean 15 years. from now like if you tell me like if you. tell me like I could get amusing bad. examples but like if you tell me I can. get uh. um like a just a regular sitcom where. it's like uh a bird has a cow or. whatever it's called you know and and. then every I have like a cow that I. talked to him I he like sticks his head. into the kitchen windows yeah and I'm.

like what's up Mr Cow he's like you're. gonna have a rough day today yeah I was. like really and he's like I think. you should talk to your wife she was up. cleaning the dishes last night really. upset and I was like you're the only one. that I'm the only one that can hear you. right he's like that's right I'll be in. the backyard and then my wife comes in. she's like how you doing I go I'm just. helping with these dishes yeah secret. cow. yeah like that would be a I'd do that. show called having a cow or something. like that yeah yeah don't have a cow oh. that's it don't have a cow and then I.

got a cow that maybe no one sees and. it's in India too and they like the cows. are Gods though and all my dude I'm so. attracted to Indian women oh yeah that's. why I have an Indian wife Indian. children I live in India hello husband. husband yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. yeah that would be great you want some. spice yeah oh I love Indian food too. sprinkling in your [ __ ] mouth huh I'm. the only one that can see the cow I do. that by the way if you're a screenwriter. and you want to write that up I'll I'll.

do that. it's a common heartbeat he'll do it yeah. I mean it'll just. I I mean I can't imagine what the second. season would be but I think the first. season will be [ __ ] good you know I. go vegan oh. I go vegan and the cows and the cow's. like this is what I'm talking about yeah. uh did you like do you like do you like. acting. we I just did a part in a movie with. Bobby and it was fun man it was nice. because I knew the amount of time. commitment okay that's where I get.

[ __ ] up that was a big thing like like. I'd gotten all uh to do that move with. Chris Pratt a couple years ago where he. gave me a part and that it was I got. there and got to read the script and I. saw I didn't have a lot of and it was 12. weeks I was like I can't do it just it. was too much for me to commit to okay. this was only 12 days okay so I was like. oh I can handle this you know how do you. feel this is I'm I'm probably outing. myself as like. as as. not a team player but how do you feel.

when like a PA goes just go to your. trailer I'll get you when when we need. you does that bother you oh I like going. into that trailer oh I can't stand it I. want to be on set really and I go I'll. just be on set and they're like actually. we can't have you on set and I go. actually I don't hire on the [ __ ]. calls you than you are actually I'm. gonna do whatever the [ __ ] I want. actually I busted my ass for [ __ ] 25. years to get to this point and you have. just have an older brother who got you. this job and you don't even know what. the [ __ ] do. sometimes I feel like that oh yeah I. think well that's the problem with going. to do acting is you have to be under.

somebody else's like jurisdiction and. their thoughts and feelings and then. it's their words and it's like like this. movie this this movie I did was just it. was a friend of mine who had written it. he knew and it was like if I couldn't. communicate with him as clearly as I. wanted if there was any like he really. expressed like a real like owner [ __ ] I. would advise I couldn't do that like did. you meet Chris Pratt yeah I met Chris. Pratt what's he like oh it's super nice. I think that's what Jesus would have. looked like nice and clean oh yeah right. he looked clean man I bet he smells good.

I didn't really smell him I party with. his ex-wife once really yeah. I didn't smell it but he was really nice. really affable and uh I felt kind of bad. about leaving because it was such a neat. opportunity what was the movie it was. called Tomorrowland tomorrow War oh that. just is that been out it's been out yeah. it came out during the pandemic well it. was what's tough about you in my opinion. is I'm sure people try to write for you. and put you into something and then go I.

got Theo's voice but your voice is so. authentic and so. kind of kind of. comedically swaggered in in any attempt. to write for you is just is almost like. a parody of you if that makes sense like. if you try to write for Mitch Hedberg. you'd be like you'd be like. hey man I'm high as [ __ ] and you're like. well that's not Mitch Hedberg that Mitch. never talked about like you know right. he just was who he was yeah and so like.

it's it's. it's hard to write for your perspective. that's what I think it would be tough to. like write for you but that's why it. makes sense that what you enjoy is. collaborating and being like I'm gonna. put I'm gonna put my spin on it yeah me. and Spade just for wrote a movie. together so yeah I gotta call did I tell. you I had a dream about him yeah he told. me about that yeah so maybe uh so that's. been exciting to me because it's. thinking like oh well I already know. what's gonna happen called Spade in. Manhattan. it's called. um it's about being bus boys oh for real.

yeah it's about adult male bus boys. David Spade's one of the coolest. [ __ ] he's funny he is like yo. man that generation of SNL guys how were. they so much funnier than what is on. like how is like Kevin Neal and like all. how are they why is there such a. different level of their like. improbability do you feel like I I was. thinking of that today I was you know I. was thinking. I wonder if David Spade ever looked at.

me and goes wow my best friend was the. biggest influence on this guy like this. guy loved I like I loved Farley Farley. gave up Farley showed us a way to be. funny when you didn't know how to be. funny you didn't know how to be. comfortable with yourself he just showed. you that being large being in being. being being vulnerable this like he. really honestly like I wonder how often. he goes into a comedy club and goes well. this guy was a big em my best friend was. a big so on this guy my other best.

friend was a big influence on this guy I. mean how much of us like you look at. Shane Gillis you go huge influence on. Shane girls is Norm Macdonald right. normandale's a big influence on all of. us want to Spades best for I mean like. Spades and he's so cool. you know when I I [ __ ] up this. interview with Adam Sandler really bad I. don't know if you ever saw it it was bad. not as bad as that Greg Louganis when. you did. nope. I was just [ __ ] pretty cool dude yeah. found me out bro that [ __ ] was [ __ ].

pretty good you made me laugh the. hardest that day in your tribute to. Amelia Earhart. that's the hardest I ever laughed well. that [ __ ] gets all this clout that [ __ ]. went missing you know what I'm saying. bro. [Music]. okay. oh if that was a dude no one would talk. about it wouldn't say a word. uh.

wouldn't say a word. oh yeah Ronnie [ __ ] up yeah that's all. they would say Ronnie [ __ ] up. but they let her they just you know it's. that Title IX thing man oh that's Title. Nine. oh god dude. um no I [ __ ] up that Sandler interview. it was so bad what happened. had you met him no I've never met him I. never met him and and I'm obviously Adam.

Sandler Adam Sandler David Spade Norm. McDonald Chris Rock Chris Farley that. generation. is their thumbprints Forever on me like. Chris Rock stand up bring the pain yeah. he's my favorite it's the it's. it is the thing I watched where I said I. want to do that like that I don't I'll. never do that but that's what I strive. for that that strut he had on stage. Stop I mean everything was like a bull. whip like Jaw and it was so jarring of.

so amazing and then Sandler the way. happy he developed all these great. movies that just spokes the price is. wrong [ __ ] yeah you can do it like all. these like just a way to take like your. inside jokes with your friends and make. them inside jokes with the world and. then you know Spade was such Spade Norm. Dennis Miller a little older but like. Kevin Nealon all these guys they're just. so so influential on my sensibility so. Whitney hit me up and said hey you know. it's a pandemic.

she's like yo we're doing it I'm doing. an interview with Adam Sandler. uh you want to come by my house and and. if you want she's like I would love some. help interviewing Sandler you know such. a [ __ ] star so if you could just come. and we'll figure something out for a. podcast no no no for uh. we're raising money for Comics that need. the money for the pandemic so I go over. to Whitney's backyard I kind of [ __ ]. around in the backyard I'm I'm messing. around I'm on I'm on YouTube yeah I'm. doing whatever the you know just to make. it fun make it Interactive. and then she goes to interview Sandler. she says come on in we're gonna.

interview Sandler and I I got my heart. was racing and I got and then he just. pops up on the screen he's like hey. and Whitney's like uh Adam I'm here with. Bert Chrysler and he's like okay. and I. went. full [ __ ] [ __ ] for dolphin full full. baby walrus like just like. and I. talked for about 10 minutes he I don't. think he said a word and I just said. everything wrong you talked for 10.

minutes I said do you have Netflix and. Whitney's like huh and Adam's like I'm. sure in his head he was like well I just. I I ran what I was do you have Netflix. um uh I can't wait to see your new movie. precious gems that's not the name of it. um I just showed my daughter's and I sat. and watched Happy Madison that's the. name it was production company not the. movie we watched um hey you want to hear. a cool story about when I was in college. and he's like huh and I was like when I. was 22 years old I got voted by the. number one party animal in the country. you ever told in that whole story I did. all of it I did all of it sorry man I'm.

sorry I vomited I vomit and Theo I. thought it went well I was like nailed. it that's alcoholism left Whitney's. going coaching you need the closer bring. in the closer you Adam Sandler's. probably going who the [ __ ] is this. Burke Chrysler guy signed him to a deal. covert get Chrysler on the line This. Guy's hot we need him first person to. call me was uh first person to call me. was uh Big Jay oakerson and he goes he. goes hey man just letting you know we're.

going to trash you and I went huh he's. like we're on the zoom next and we are. crying laughing and I go oh what and he. goes that Sandler interview I go good. huh he goes good. he goes you asked him if he had Netflix. I'd go do I do you think he doesn't and. he goes Bert he has a 300 million dollar. deal at Netflix he definitely has. Netflix I went. huh he's like you call this movie. precious gems I go that's something Amy. goes no it's uncut he's like you named. the movie Happy Madison it's Happy. Gilmore Billy Madison Bert we are going. you didn't let him talk it's the biggest.

movie star in the world and you didn't. let him talk and I went I just started. going like it was that bad and he goes. I'm we're going online right now we're. going to trash you and hung up and I. went huh and then my buddy my buddy Mike. um apps no no no uh does podcasts with. Greg Luke Valentine nope anyway uh Mike. Mike God damn it he's he does the. podcast with Martin does a podcast with. Greg Fitzsimmons they do Sunday papers. uh oh Mike uh vecchion no anyway he. calls me and he goes that [ __ ].

Sandler interviews epic like I told him. I go have you seen my new special my. special just dropped it's called uh it's. called Hey Big Boys dude I was out of. control I was out of my house Stone. sober Stone sober out of control so this. is why Spade's a cool dude right. unprovoked I gotta [ __ ] you know. Spade sometimes voice texting oh yeah. and he's like uh Chrysler. [ __ ] Sandler interviews epic and I'm. like I'm in bed going the next day going. I'm gonna have a drink today this is the.

[ __ ] worst day of my life yeah this. is the Xanax day and he goes hey man I. talked to stanler he just watched your. special he [ __ ] loved it dude he. loves you you're the best we all love. you don't sweat it and I was like. I like by the way didn't need to do that. right didn't need to do that didn't need. to leave that message didn't he let me. know hey don't worry about it you didn't. [ __ ] it up that bad then I signed a deal. with the Happy Madison to do a movie wow. yeah so like everything worked out great. like going to have Happy Madison uh. pitched a movie I think yeah yeah and. then uh signed up to do a movie so.

everything's like everything worked out. fine but like man I that interviews you. can find it online. yeah I can't wait to watch that when I. get cringy I'm not even watch it in the. car dude yeah I'll tell you this uh the. um I went to uh Spate I ran out of gas. the other day I was going over space. right he brought me. gas really. he's a nice guy yeah he's a really nice. guy yeah how much money do you think he. has he's got a big heart. um. I'll say a name tell me if he has more.

than or less than that name. okay okay. British harp. more than. um. Rosie O'Donnell. less than. because she went pretty core she was. like on the okay Beto O'Rourke. um. but more than. more than uh Hunter Biden. oh.

probably a little uh of his own money. yeah Spade yeah. um I don't know what do you think those. got I mean I don't know I think Spades. got 25 million dollars. that's what I was gonna say he said he's. had a number of very successful movies. yeah he's on sitcoms oh I bet he's got. way more he was on sitcoms forever he. did that one he did um don't shoot me. yeah but no I think that's dude I'll. tell you this story so I went with Owen.

Benjamin right okay to he took me to a. happy Madison party right I've never. been before and this went vaping nah. marijuana had just come out yeah people. were vaping it you know and I thought it. was a cigarette I hadn't seen The Vape. in marijuana I'd just seen The Vaping. cigarettes so I'm out there smoking with. somebody out front. um I think it was like Dave Becker. somebody had like a vape and cigarette I. don't even know I couldn't tell you what. Dave Becky looks like I couldn't I could. probably draw him for you but I I.

actually might even negative I know Dave. Becky so well like I know that name I. know that I know who he is but I've. never seen him in person that's Louis CK. that's Dave Becky. did I say Becky it might not be dead. I might be talking about the wrong guy. okay keep going so anyway uh let's take. a hit off the cigarette I didn't know it. was weed so I go into the party and I. start meeting people from. the Adam Sandler movies oh and bro I.

didn't know that I had smoked weed and I. hadn't really I'd probably been in. Hollywood maybe three years maybe yeah. so I start meeting these people dude and. I start losing my [ __ ] mind and I. start thinking I can't handle meeting. famous people oh for real like I can't. the more people I meet the weirder I. feel I can't even be in this city like. this is my first time meeting famous. people because it is it is hard you got. to learn how to meet famous and the weed. was hitting I didn't know it was weed. yeah so I'm Feeling High I just didn't.

realize it really so I'm feeling like uh. [ __ ] up and I'm like oh man when I. meet famous people I'm I just I feel. [ __ ] up. I can't I can't live like this in this. city but if I meet [ __ ] Mark Wahlberg. I'll [ __ ] take my own life or. something you know like I just didn't. know how bad it was gonna get I saw Mark. Wahlberg when I first moved to Hollywood. walking down Sunset Boulevard. uh with a white T-shirt over his. shoulder like a I want to say like a. Yankees cap on or something or a Boston.

cap on and jeans just [ __ ] strut I. walked right past him I was like Marky. Mark and he's like nah no way yeah maybe. it wasn't him and that's that's why that. guy said no but I thought it was him. that's when he was changing his whole. Mystique huh I think so yeah yeah the. the crucifix tattooed on his chest and. everything I got scared I ended up. dancing with Sierra once on the dance. floor yeah she's a musician really and. um and I got nervous and uh I was too. stoned and I had to go sit out my car.

I got nervous I had a meeting at Happy. Madison when I was a kid you know young. in this business and I just got nervous. being in the building because I. was a I thought I might run into Adam. Sandler it was back when I think they. were on like the. Sony lot or something and uh. is that I think they were in Culver City. and I there was like a basketball hoop. outside and I thought I was hoping I'd. run into Knicks I knew Nick worked with. them so if I was hoping that I'd run. into Nick and they'd be like oh Bert let.

me introduce you Adam and I'm like oh. cool and then I'd be like what's up Adam. and he's like oh dude you're [ __ ]. hilarious oh by the way I wasn't I. didn't especially at the time I wasn't I. don't even know if I am now and so I. went in and took the meeting. with one of his one of his development. execs and the guy goes it's a great. pitch he goes why do you want Adam to do. it and I went. I just want to make it and he goes can I. give you some advice I said yeah he goes. focus on your career I was like what do. you mean he's gonna write the movie for. yourself make the movie for yourself you. should do it yourself he was Adam was. sitting here he goes it's a great idea. you should do it and I go yeah and he.

goes that's how he did his career you. need to focus on your career you need to. work on yourself it's a great pitch he's. like I mean I guess we'd buy it if. you're done doing things for yourself. but like your comic like you should do. it for yourself I went okay and uh and I. and I nothing happened to it I sold it I. think I sold it to Disney uh with Will. Smith attached well Nick Cannon was. attached but Will Smith was going to. produce. would you take a break now and do a. television story you're saying you would. do one down the line. uh I wouldn't take a break I can't to.

not take us what would you but if you do. a TV show you there's it's just the time. commitment you have to like SK you to. have to skills you know you can't work. 12 hours a day. I uh yeah I I wouldn't. I couldn't she couldn't do it I have uh. I have uh. uh yeah like huge huge chunks Europe. Australia booked out for next year I. have a huge Chunk in between that and. then a big run at the end and uh yeah I.

couldn't do it you know I I've also I've. often thought to stop doing specials. um because that that process of doing. specials it can be a tad bit. overwhelming because I'm a little bit. obsessive about putting out a good. special and yeah and I mean I watch. everyone special watch everyone special. for two reasons I want to see if they. have if I've if I'm stepping on anyone's. material and I and I like to see how. people do things you know I'm gonna pay. you a compliment I hope you're cool with. this but like. you you I learned a lot watching your. special and I learned what I don't do.

sometimes is what you're so brilliant at. and I'll never be as good as you but I. can work harder on what I don't do and. what I don't do is I don't really tell. you the characters sometimes I just. start telling the story hoping you know. the characters you set up you paint a. picture of a character or a scenario. you're about to hear so brilliantly so. brilliantly that I literally I remember. being on the [ __ ] road driving to two. bears one cave in an Escalade with my. whole team and I was like listen to what. he [ __ ] does like I'm playing it back.

on this is like this is like there's no. one better than you at. you can set up you can set up a story. so brilliantly where I go I want to hear. that my problem is I just start telling. the story sometimes I go I need to work. on like creating the characters being in. the moment being slower you know because. I I think as I tell sometimes you know. 13-minute stories. I just start going let's go let's go. let's go hey thanks for the thanks for. the comment man it's really sweet of you. I'm envious of the way that you I feel.

like I have to catch up to you sometimes. and it's that's more fun I feel like I. feel like your style is so much more fun. it's like here I am in the middle of the. [ __ ] action like with me it's like I. feel like you have to go to boot camp. you need to shine your shoes you have to. go to bed and get up early with you I. feel like I [ __ ] open my eyes and I. am on Normandy [ __ ] beach dude and. who knows what is gonna happen that's. the best compliment I've ever made right. there in the [ __ ] that's a great company.

you always seem very present man and. that's one thing that I really admire I. think that's why I take my shirt off so. I remind myself that it's supposed to be. fun like that's why I did it the first. time would you ever go fully nude do you. think yeah I would have you thought. about it. no no yeah yeah I have there's a show. that's fully nude anything in New York. and uh I would definitely do it I would. I have no problem being naked I don't. even have a good dick would you wash up. first or not uh I'd probably trim up I. wouldn't trim up I don't know what I'd. do. I wouldn't wash up would you wax your.

butt. uh-uh I wouldn't seem oh they would see. my butt in my current oh they would. unless you walk off the stage backwards. like that you could do that on the stage. and walk out like a hostage I bet hair. on my butt dude so like if I was with a. chick I would always walk out. yeah oh I don't have air on my butt. cheeks not a bunch but like almost like. this but without the little prongs yeah. I have hair on my a lot of hair on my. [ __ ] oh yeah and so. um I wonder if you can see it my ass is. starting to look like a sad like it use. I have a great I take that back. something better I think because I've.

been running a lot it looks better when. I was gaining weight my ass looks sad. like I got a I did a video of me naked. and it just didn't look right and I went. ugh I was getting old man ass and now. I'm back running and lifting and doing. dead lifts I think my ass is back yeah I. took a video of my ass in Hawaii. and it looked good looked really good. how nice is Hawaii uh it's the best. place in the world God you know what I. did I'll tell you this is a I don't. really share this a lot of people. because it does sound a little a little.

bit no no no no no not at all not at all. I even feel about saying I go to Hawaii. oh I feel bad that people have never. been to Hawaii I actually said to my I. said to my wife we stayed at Turtle Bay. it was [ __ ] gorgeous yeah and I said. you know what I'm bummed I have. experience I have a lot of had a lot of. great experiences in life one of my. favorite experiences is taking my. daughters to Hawaii take them into the. ocean letting them get snorkels and go a. little deeper than they're comfortable.

watching them get scared and as their. dad taking care of them I love Hawaii. it's the greatest place on the planet. it's set up that Aloha energy is like. hello but it's also like get the [ __ ]. out like and so that's the whole it's. this and by the way their whole economy. set up so that you have the greatest. time you've ever had so that you tell. your friends that's it's like it's. amazing it's amazing shaved ice there's. nothing better to put in your mouth yeah. and so I bet if you put condensed milk. on a dick I love sucking dick so and you.

ice it up you have to get a cold dick. and then so that yeah yeah all right. it's like a no warm dick. that is. it's either hot deck or cold dick but. lukewarm so uh so I set a goal I'm done. Tom braggadocious what I'm saying is I I. I'm it's very vulnerable okay so it's. 265. no I've never I maybe I've said. this I don't know. did you feel fat it that way I've. no I love that I didn't even notice I. was fat like it just I catch a picture.

I'd be like woof or like I had a hard. time we had a new couch and I had a hard. time like getting up like it was just. like this would be like you're not going. anywhere yeah it was like a big brother. sitting on your chest going [ __ ] off and. so uh. so I. I've wanted to serve I've wanted to. serve I served as a little bit as a kid. but like as an adult I thought this. would be a cool thing to be able to do. to be able to get a surfboard go to the. beach and and burn and for two hours. just burn like a thousand calories of. fun of fun yeah paddling and and just it.

would be fun and I was like and to glide. on the wave I've only done it a few. times. but that feeling of gliding on top of. the ocean with just the ocean pushing. it's very it's a lot like riding. horseback yeah. so I set a 265 we tried a couple times. to get surf lessons and I could not I. couldn't physically get from laying on. my stomach to all my feet in enough time. that I needed to get up on the board and. so I said I made a goal when we took.

time off I said I'm going to lose weight. I'm gonna lose enough weight so that I. can go to Hawaii so I booked the trip to. Hawaii for me my daughter uh my. assistant my cameraman and my sister. those two because we were all flying way. to go straight to tour so I booked a. trip for all five of us at Turtle Bay I. went to Turtle Bay because Jamie O'Brien. has a surf school I followed Jamie. O'Brien on YouTube I I know the guy's. legit I know that he makes surfing fun. and I kind of knew and I hit up a couple. guys like Nathan Florence and I was like. yeah that surf school was pretty good.

yeah it's good break it's easy break and. those guys are [ __ ] awesome you're. gonna have a blast wow so I didn't I. didn't hit up Jamie I didn't tell him. like yo I'm coming I wanted to pay for. it because I wanted to I I wanted to do. it right I wanted to pay for it so that. I could do it so that so that if I if I. needed more time I I didn't feel rushed. so I bought surf School set lessons on. the first two days we were there for two. hours for me my sister my my daughter my. cameraman and my assistant No cameras. just all we're gonna do is learn how to.

surf and for two months. every day I did a few exercises I did. this rev balance board to try to get. work on my balance but more importantly. I would do planks for a minute and I. would do pop-ups like Burpee pop-ups. yeah to try to get to the place where I. could get my fat [ __ ] piece of [ __ ]. body off the ground like just literally. I would every morning just do like 10. pop-ups and just try to get up we're. getting your knees up to your stomach. that's the top it's like a tough part. and I got I had to lose weight to get. that get to that level get that Carriage.

on you yeah that's why I got down to 245. which is you know very nice 20 pounds. less very nice and I was and I was in. I'm in really good shape right now but I. was two weeks ago so I was in really. good shape going in I hadn't Drank In. like 12 days or something but not for. any reason just because like because I. went to Mark Norman's bachelor party and. I was like I need a [ __ ] break and so. um. and so I went into Hawaii and that first. day I first waved they pushed me into a. [ __ ] bust ass and then I sat in the.

water and I'm like this is not going to. be my trip yeah I was like I will I as. as much as like a little boy in a. [ __ ] 49 year old man's body I said. let's focus let's take our time we're. gonna get this so I went back my uh my. surf instructor uh I [ __ ] his name up. it's ik I a no it's i k i i k i maybe i. k a i k a is how you say it. he said hey man take your time this is.

German isn't it no it's very Hawaiian oh. it is yeah yeah. you're thinking Ikea. I don't know what I was thinking that's. Swedish oh yeah and so he goes hey man. uh arch for a little bit longer and take. your time. so it pushes me into a big wave and I. arch and I take a breath I'm moving now. and then I just very slowly. get up to my knees slide my feet around. stood up and I was [ __ ] surfing and. I'm telling you I've had very few like.

moments of like accomplishment and it. sounds crazy to say because I feel like. I've done a lot but like where you go. hey man I [ __ ] busted my ass in the. gym for two months I did the work so. that I could do this and I'm doing it. and I [ __ ] surf that wave. all the way to that next buoy and I I. turned around my daughter's cheering for. me my sister's cheering for me. is like that's right you did it you did. it and I served for two days four hours. the waves got shitty after that but four. hours I had of just being in the water.

surfing and I loved it so much now. granted if I want to go surfing in La I. need a kaika to come out here and push. me into waves and Coach me and be like. Arch Arch Arch on your knees on your. knees front foot back foot bend down. your [ __ ] goes God damn it like I. need him like I'm not that good yeah but. I had a [ __ ] blast and I and I and. and uh and it was it was something I. wanted to do I wanted to I wanted to do. it I want it it's like you know wait. Rogan you're watching me to take up. these Hobbies he sucked at archery when. he started I'm sure but he was like I.

want to be a Archer so you need that. moment of vulnerability I'm not saying. I'm gonna be a surfer but like you need. that motor vulnerability right where you. say I'm not going to be yeah you need to. crawl and it's so when you do when. you're at a place in your life where you. don't need to crawl a lot you go I could. just go do the road I'll do this I'll do. podcasts I'll do I don't I'll go ride a. bike I'll go to the gym I don't need to. crawl in front of people it's. embarrassing too being fat in the water. having a a guy 20 years younger than. you'd be like people looking at you big. animals coming by and yeah buddy yeah.

and so uh so I went surfing Hawaii it. was [ __ ] awesome [ __ ] it was really. great yeah there's something magical. about it man. um you have me and Bobby do a TV show we. talked about maybe trying to shoot it in. Hawaii. [Music]. some fat guy who fails a lot I'll do it. just that it's a big time commitment you. know that's the thing I mean it's a. blessing to have the opportunity oh. doing Bobby would be fun do you want. Bobby living in Hawaii hi Bobby hi Bobby. and uh on my first episode of. Something's burning yeah oh yeah it just. came out just came out today yeah I did.

a moment Andrew Santino back there made. tacos by the way that's that's when I. met really met Andrew Santino for the. first time yeah I never really knew. Andrew I knew of him and stuff but I. never really hung out with them he's. [ __ ] interesting man he seems like. he's living a great [ __ ] life yeah. he's in everything he's a great [ __ ]. actor great comic but every time you see. him he's like on the back of a boat with. a [ __ ] celebrity we're playing golf. with a [ __ ] celebrity we're like. doing like cool fun active [ __ ] and he's. in good shape he drinks but he's not. like he drinks like a regular person.

because he'll get loose but then he's. like I got [ __ ] to do he stays active. man yeah he stays real active for a. redhead too I know they're not supposed. to be active well you know they stop. doing their sperm at the sperm banks a. while back no quit red-headed Seaman are. you serious. oh if I was Andrew Santino I'd get a wig. yeah. a fake mustache and just [ __ ] do it. for do it for your race yeah do it for. your people Red October two and it's all. October go to sperm banks and just bust. oh oh it comes out pink you know that.

right oh I don't even tell it comes out. pink yeah well that one dude but I think. he was sick oh dude um I wonder what's. gonna happen with tiger belly if Bobby's. gonna be because if they. split up I think they're split up but. they're still co-hosts of the same. podcast I wonder if that's going to get. strange or not. I think about that sometimes. I can tell you what I'd do. Burn It To The Ground Burn It to the.

Ground. bad friends 100 bad friends 100 friends. my friends I'd be [ __ ] I I'm not as. I'm pretty shallow if I was in that. situation. I was if I I don't know I would be very. I wouldn't be fun to work with really I. would not I'd be drinking all the time. if you're with a spouse you mean if. Leanne and I had a podcast like I'd do. Leanne's podcast every now and then but. if Lynn and I had a podcast and and uh. I don't know I don't know all the things. that people know I don't know everything.

that I don't know what yeah I know what. I know what I know what I know and I so. I don't want to say too much because I. don't know what everyone knows but I. know what I know and I I know that if I. was in that situation of like of. splitting up and uh yeah could you still. work together right and and and I'm I. don't know what everyone knows but like. it seems in my opinion I don't know if. Bobby didn't want to be with her if she. didn't want to be with Bobby but. regardless if I was in Bobby's situation. and that was Leanne I'd be like I I I. would not be as and and I love Kyla.

she's awesome but I I just I know if I. was Bobby I wouldn't be the funnest dude. to be around yeah I'd be every episode. would be about how my feelings every. episode will be about my feelings yeah. about how I feel oh this is my house. how this is mine it's gonna be. interesting but maybe that could be cool. for people it could be like a real soap. opera it could be it could be but I. don't think it's good for Bobby's mental. health yeah that's cool mental health. again that's what I wonder it's like. what how does something ha it's like.

when you split up how do you stay. working together some people do it it's. very do it you got to be a bigger man. than me and I'm just not that big of a. man I'm very I'm very sensitive uh I'm. very uh. I'm very vindictive. uh like meaning like when when it comes. to feelings so you know like there's oh. yeah there's moms in our friend Circle. that I'll never give a second chance to. yeah they [ __ ] hurt my daughter. and I or or said [ __ ] about my wife that.

um there's dads I'll never get a second. chance dude they don't know it I do it. behind their back because I'm [ __ ]. I'm hateful wow like it doesn't happen. in the business I mean sure I'm sure. it's happened in the business usually. people hate me like I don't hate people. like I have a couple people that hate my. guts and you just gotta go all right. whatever I don't care but like I don't. I'm not the best at like I'm not the. best at. like navigating those moments kind of. like if something is kind of very. emotional like Tom will Tom could tell.

anyone right now and we've said it on. two bears uh I get my feelings hurt very. easily over very stupid stuff the. dumbest stuff in the world my feelings. would get hurt and Tom knows it and like. there's certain things like the dumbest. things to you like if we have a dinner. party. like where I sit sometimes can hurt my. feelings wow. and so and so and and I and I like if. they sit you at an end or something or. they don't say like what's that like say. like uh you and Brendan have a dinner.

party right you bring checks. and uh and and then you have all these. guys here and they bring checks and you. invite me and Leanne. I expect to sit near you guys right. right like and so if all of a sudden. everyone's it could be a real accident. like every you guys sit on the corner. and then these guys all sit around you. and then me and Leanna at the end I'll. become a nightmare like I'll just I'll. be like oh but internally and you won't. know it at the time but then all of a. sudden I'll start like yeah I'll be like. so why do you work with this [ __ ] guy. with the beard and you're like what I'm. like I don't know man it's got glasses.

on do you want a guy with glasses that. can't see the screen like that I mean. [ __ ] what you know like and and it'll. show up it'll rear its head it 100. happened within with nadav it 100. happened with indov and Tom witnessed it. happen and it was little things said to. me the wrong way I would take very. personally and uh. and yeah it's like a I think we're so. we're such trapped kids as comedians you. know I have to get past it and I have to. learn like I have to literally go.

like it everyone that listens to two. bears knows that it happened with nadav. it happened when we first started. working together. I I I did not feel like I was a partner. in the situation internally because of. weird things like not in the devil say. that he was oblivious to right but I. would read wrong like. and and or or maybe he'd say something. and it would come up with too much. energy and I'd be like who the [ __ ] do.

you think like and I and Tom saw it very. early and he was like hey man I know you. you it's not it's not what you think but. I was I was already there I was already. in the [ __ ] I was running the [ __ ]. well of blood just [ __ ] pouring on me. let me climb out let me climb out I'll. Savage and kill everyone yeah so. I wouldn't do well suck off an aorta bro. I would not do well on that wow so but. whenever you get in those moments and. you have these films are you able to. like start the conversation with. somebody say this is kind of what's. going on or do you get stuck in this and.

that boiling I get stuck in the boiling. yeah I guess sometimes sometimes I'm. stuck in the boiling right now over one. person really yeah. in the podcast universe uh not really I. mean kind of but not really I mean no no. I mean yes. but it's a woman. I just need it. and so so yeah I have to I have to uh.

learn I'll talk to Leanne about it I'm. in therapy. um better help shout out to better help. oh yeah totally dude uh that's good use. promo code burning the uh the but I have. to I have to work through it I've had it. bad and I've been able to call them and. talk to him about it or no I tried yeah. yeah yeah yeah yeah some people yeah. some people I had an issue with one dude. and uh and I texted him and we texted. back and forth and I didn't actually. have an issue with the dude the dude had. an issue with me and I was like I want. to end this I want to I want to get past.

this there's some people I have written. off like and I don't think of them like. I just wrote them off and I was like. that's that's that was a big thing my. wife taught me is that some people are. just dead to you you just gotta go oh. you're dead to me I I can't be your. friend the thing you do is a little. toxic and it [ __ ] me up and I just need. to stop right it's just not the best. relationship it's not the best. relationship for me and I don't want it. for me yeah and then there's people you. want to have a relationship with that. and that's the ones we're talking about. well you want a relationship with but. they hurt you and then and because. you're hurt you I end up you just laying. in bed and ruminating it it's called is.

it ruminating or it's where you repeat. the thought over and over and over again. how you have the conversation there's. been there's been uh moms that moms that. there's been parents that have gave my. kid alcohol like that I just tell this. day burn it to the [ __ ] ground when I. found that I was like what the [ __ ] like. you know because there's cool parents. we're like you guys can drink at my. house yeah that's insane Thank you Lisa. molestation leads to people getting. pregnant. kids [ __ ] outside. thank you to that and because I'm the.

guy that drinks on stage with his shirt. off and parties and I thought you'd be. cool with it are you out of your [ __ ]. mind hey I also [ __ ] my wife I don't. want you [ __ ] my kid like the [ __ ]. yeah yeah I I remember I got a blow job. one time behind like a real small tree. right this girl invited me behind a. small tree and we were young and pretty. dumb and we got busted man really yeah. and it was like just because there's no. way to really hide behind it you know. wait how old were you probably.

13 14. you know. wow that's a really good job at a party. it was so dumb it literally the tree was. like this wide and we're like. you know doing a you know getting a. [ __ ] done. and the parents showed up and and that's. what happens when kids drink at houses. man yeah oh yeah I mean you just drink. when you drink and your your crotch. comes out like that's what like the fur.

that's the PO that's the point of. drinking yeah it's like it's like I'm. not drinking to [ __ ] learn more about. you know yeah my daughter's not drinking. my daughter's not drinking because she. has ticket sales and in Alaska she needs. to move she's not drinking because her. numbers are low in Lubbock they're. [ __ ] she's drinking because she wants. they want to party they want to [ __ ]. [ __ ] suck a dog yeah [ __ ] they're. not [ __ ] it's not drinking because her. wife wants to buy another house there's. a [ __ ].

yeah so and so like I do I'll ruminate. over stuff like that but I've gotten. better therapy really helps because you. gotta you gotta let [ __ ] go oh yeah man. it's hard and it's best you gotta. realize other people are just living. their lives a lot of times they don't. even know what they're doing like it's. Old Wounds that we attach to like new. things that happen man oh it's been I've. been down that road you know we've all. been there yeah it's it's uh I feel I.

feel like uh. I I said to my wife I I I said to my. wife very vocally a few a few months ago. I was like I need to like double up on. therapy. she's like what's going on and I was. like I don't know I think I'm I think. I'm starting a midlife crime like I like. the feelings of turning 50. um like is it fear like what do you mean. um no I just started realizing certain. things I started realizing like. actualizing certain things going like. [ __ ] man like.

you know Tim Dillon said something very. very. uh insightful to me. I I was having a rough day and uh and I. I think no I think it was having a great. day but regardless I was talking about. you know sometimes that you wake up you. think of death that's the first your. first thought I'm like that's not cool. and uh and you gotta fight through it. you know and I and Tim Dillon said you. are at the height of your life it will. never get better than right now today. your kids are in that house everyone's.

here the whole family's healthy they. haven't told you to quit drinking yet. you're making the most money you've ever. made you're doing the biggest venues. I've ever done you got a movie in the. can you got movies lined up you are. living your life today will never get. better in the future so seize today and. I went. um and I was like yeah. yeah. like death freaks me out and so I I. gotta try to push through death of like. again one day you die it gets undeniable.

one day it goes black for everyone it. just goes black that's why that's what. leads me to the guest I want to get on. my podcast that you were trying to guess. okay so you know it's a person of faith. I know who it is then if you know it the. Pope no. by the way huge cat huge get the pope. would be [ __ ] great everybody's like. a person of Faith he's like Justin. Bieber you're so [ __ ] close. you're so [ __ ] close Carl Lentz I. don't know who that is.

um it's a pastor Judas wait wait hold on. what does he do. the pastor yeah he's uh oh Joel Osteen. no I don't know the guy's name TD Jakes. The Hillsong guy. Carl Lentz is that him type in Carl. Lintz Hillsong Hillsong Pastor it's. either car the guy that the guy that's. Judah I don't know if Judith Smith the. guy that switched to Bieber. oh that's uh Carl hey I just texted with. Carl yesterday no you know him yeah no. way.

you know that dude yeah so he's sweet. tell me about him because I don't know. anything about him all I know is all I. know is oh that's what he looks like. yeah so I I didn't uh all I know is that. he's like got faith right yeah I don't. know uh wait goth Faith got he's got. faith yeah Jesus believes in God right. yeah yeah he believes in God I don't. know a super ton about I mean I know. Carl. like I guess I don't know about a ton. about his history I know he had. um. I know I met him and Justin came to a.

show of mine no in New York a while back. um. and that was the first time that I met. both of them. um I think maybe I've met Carl before. that I don't remember. but yeah I always thought I would love. to have Carl on too I think he's a super. neat guy we're supposed to catch up. sometime I know he's that's the hard. thing about being a man of the cloth is. you gotta live you gotta you gotta walk. the walk the of the talk you talk right. so you can't [ __ ] up a little bit.

because then because that happened that. happened to um. to happen to uh to John Crist oh yeah he. got [ __ ] canceled for drinking vodka. out of a water bottle and trying to. catch a girl rollerblade. like because but it makes sense when he. tells you when he goes yeah man I was. lying to my my fans yeah I was saying. them one thing I'm really the other. thing he also got like a mistletoe. tattoo on his belly button near his. belly button are you [ __ ] serious I'm. joking. but um no Carl's Anika man yeah I'd love.

to get to spend time I was like I was. like so crazy bro I was just texting. with him yesterday that's a guy I like. to get on my podcast I want I'm curious. about. how. I was talking to Bill Maher about this. about like you I'm saying if you could. get a surgery and and they would just. clip a little little. synax in your brain and immediately. tomorrow you believe in God believing. God 100 you'd be like. I get it like I get it I get it man I'm. gonna I'm gonna I'm not gonna change my.

life but I get it and there's an. afterlife and and I have faith and and. I'm it feels good to pray like you go. like I'm gonna pray a little bit like. every time I pray it's always like amen. don't let this [ __ ] happen you know. again hey man I know that was a lot I. didn't mean to take that much like I'm. going to sleep please make sure I wake. up in the morning stuff [ __ ] you know. like so I go those are my prayers or I'm. getting on a flight hey God don't let me. die hey uh I'm getting ready to go on. stage for this special God hey just. right last minute guys it's always like. it's always like I got out of jail free. you know what it's like it's like uh.

it's like God from Pulp Fiction when he. calls Eric Stoltz and God's always like. break over prank call her and so like I. would love to meet a guy like this and. pick his brain and see if he can switch. my synapse or at least see if I can. figure out. couple of cheat codes like hanging out. with Rogan I don't do all the [ __ ] Rogan. does but do some of it I saw my Polar. Plunge I work out I don't do the [ __ ]. uh hyperbaric chambers and the [ __ ]. the all the [ __ ] stuff he does to his. body I don't do all of it like stem cell. I'm gonna do some stem cells yeah.

shedding my skin for every six months or. whatever yeah when he goes and lays in. wax and then peels it off yeah him and. Tom they're hardcore like Lance arms. from talking about a dope throwing blood. now they dope their own blood in Austin. that's why they move there oh cool it's. because of the blood doping and so dude. I love clean blood now but I would love. to I would love to talk to that guy. open-minded like legit open-minded and. be like dude like how do you get there. like yeah what like what and look here's. the deal if I I hear he's not the guy. that goes. well first off you got to quit drinking.

yeah like I heard he's like a cool dude. who's like it's like I mean you seem to. be doing good you know like let's figure. it out very practical I think if they. um I think that. well I mean I I've had. like I had no faith when I was a kid. except for like hypothetical faith of. like going to church and things you. would hear yeah but then as an adult. um I think a relationship with God is. just like a relationship it's like you. just have to work on it it's like you.

pray a couple times a day you like start. gratitude well I started doing. gratitudes you put things in God's hands. you like recognize hey this is God's. will not my will today like it's it's. literally like a relationship it's like. a relationship with anyone the more you. check in with them and talk with them. the bigger the relationship grows so. that's all I think it is. um and then yeah once you have once. you're believing that you're not the one. doing everything that God is it takes. all the stress off of you do you believe. that I do believe that I've had that.

experience in my life before really and. I mean it blew my mind well see then. then it blew my mind really because yeah. I was like oh this doesn't that's not. and then like oh wow this is to be. carefree and have your mind just be like. a vacant lot where. the present moment feels like it's just. loitering like instead of all over the. place oh I felt I felt a hard time. connecting with the present moment at. times where I'm thinking about the next. thing too much yeah or not even I'm.

thinking my brain is thinking about it. it's it's I mean stand-up's kind of. defined on that like if you're in the. present stand up you're not thinking. about the next thing you're saying you. ever been on stage and you're like I. don't I can't believe they're laughing. and then you're like you're like I'm I'm. on to the next joke like I'm already. working on the next joke trying to think. of how it points that up yeah and so. living in the presence kind of kind of. difficult. It's Tricky well especially in today's. world I mean we're constantly getting. feedback from the past we're constantly. getting ju like looking at judging. things judging ourselves it's a really. it's an interesting time but no I think.

a guy like Carl a guy like Judah Smith. those are uh TD Jakes those is all some. pastors that I think could be legit I'd. like to see Joel Osteen just as a. performer as a performer I would like to. see I wanted like I want to like I do. that when I go to shows I go to shows. I mean look I know people are gonna be. like do you enjoy anything Bert but like. I can't turn off the fact that I'm a. stand-up comedian who performs in in in. in in venues right so like I'll go to I. did uh I did the Greek and and and I.

looked at the lineups of who they had. and and I was like I was like okay like. kind of curious of like like everything. everything I do is kind of like an. assessment I look at things from a fan. like okay I went to the Hollywood Bowl. against Steely Dan and so I I thought. because we do pre-sale for our tours. right and do you ever think to yourself. like what the [ __ ] pre-sale like I. don't even get pre-sale like pre-sale's. like it seems like why not just release. them on sale everyone's gonna buy them. anyway and then I went oh pre-sales for. your Uber fans because you got to use a.

promo code and they're up here they. won't so I said. Steely Dan's coming to the Hollywood. Bowl they put him on pre-sale I bought. them at pre-sale so I get good seats and. I went that's what pre-sale's about and. then I said. how do I communicate this knowledge to. people listening right here here's how. pre-sale works. I ended up buying a whole box at the. Hollywood Bowl I ended up buying two. technically but and I filled it and then. I had the tickets because it's my night. right so if you're a theophy I want I. want to pitch you listening for a Theo.

Vaughn experience right right now you're. listening going I don't get it he's. going to release here next door on. pre-sale uh promo code will be rat right. rat king rat king So when he releases it. you'd be the first one 10 a.m Wednesday. when those tickets on pre-sale. you create your night you want to have. because it's your present to yourself. you've busted your ass at the office all. week you're going to get to treat. yourself so buy say buy six tickets. right and get it you're gonna get great. tickets you're gonna even pre-sale and.

you get them at the right price point no. no one's gotten in there yet these are. your tickets they're through the venue. you get six tickets and then you send a. text out that morning to the six people. you want to see that show with and go. hey guys I got tickets for Theo Vaughn. got them at a great price point I would. love to see the show with you guys and. then you get to plan your evening of how. your night goes you're going to see your. favorite comedian and you're picking. your favorite people to see them with. that's how it went and so I looked at it. like I went Steely Dan and I went I want. I want a box and I was like Well the box. is only like six people or maybe eight.

people I got more than that I got two. boxes and then I went okay this is a. little bit of money but I go I got two. boxes and then I started a Steely Dan. chat thread right and I thought who do I. want to see this with Leanne my buddy. Tom my buddy Sandy my manager Judy her. husband oh I want my trainer Lacey to go. Lacey's roommates Antonio lapassa one of. the best chefs in all of La it's the. Hollywood Bowl we cater it ourselves oh. my God Antonia I love being with her but. she is the best chef in the world so I. hit up group chat hey guys who wants to.

go to Steely Dan everyone hit up. immediately I love it I love I love it I. think I've paid for all the tickets I. don't know if I did or I didn't I don't. remember I don't I know I wasn't like I. need money but whatever so like we and I. got to plan out the next night so then I. go to Steely Dan and as a performer. right I sit in there that day and I go. um what am I gonna wear this is crazy. right Theo this is how crazy my brain is. and this is when you say you're a. workaholic this is what is wrong with me. I thought to myself what do I want to. wear to Steely Dan well I know it's the. Hollywood Bowl I know it's outdoors. um it might get cold later ooh I hope. he's selling sweatshirts right because.

wouldn't it be cool to show up in what. you want to wear but if you get cold you. have the opportunity to buy a sweatshirt. wool Steely wool something something. something right and so I was like I was. like man I want to text Steely Dan right. now so I did on on Instagram I was like. y'all don't know if you guys are selling. sweatshirts at your show hit me up. because I want a sweatshirt and then and. then I I'm like and then I'm like okay I. look at beer lines I walk in I look at. beer lines I look at parking I look at I. look at all that [ __ ] as a thinks I go I. want to make sure that my fans have the. best experience of their life because I.

want them to go uh that was awesome like. that was great and top to bottom I got a. sweatshirt I got a hat I bought a pair. of flip-flops like like I sold. flip-flops these these flip-flops fully. loaded my own flip-flop but then I. thought [ __ ] I need I'm technically I'm. asking people to show up Barefoot and. buy my flip-flops there and if I don't. know what their size are kind of [ __ ]. yeah and it's dangerous too to cross a. street Barefoot or to be in a parking. garage it's the truth man so but yeah I. look at I look at uh I can't shut my. brain off when it comes to wow to. touring I think of so many aspects about.

how to make it a better experience but. that that pre-sale thing. your fans need to know because that's. the coolest thing as a fan of someone. and you need to remember that as a guy's. an artist to go like yeah let me get. tickets in a group let me bring people. that I want to be with let me make it. the best it's the best like okay who's. your favorite artist Morgan Whalen right. yeah Morgan whalen's pretty [ __ ]. badass right so um yeah whatever yeah. and so uh so if you so uh you get 10. tickets to take your 10 favorite people.

around the world oh yeah who would you. go with. I'd probably take my sister you know. because she wants to go now remember so. that's your first invite so you're. catering around that because this is. your night it's gonna make sure everyone. meshes keep going and she gets bent up. too and she'll start dancing like oh and. it's really she's a mother too but. she'll literally put her arm on the wall. and just shake her ass for like an hour. I think I'm gonna like this keep going. keep going uh who else I'll probably get. my other sister to come and bring maybe. her son so that would be good.

um I'll probably ask. um. I would maybe ask Baker Mayfield I saw. him we I saw Morgan Wallen with him. before him and his wife. so they like Morgan Wallen this is a. great group already you got family you. got friends and you got a celebrity. friend yeah and Baker had some buddies. that are cool that love it too so I just. said get up in a text to them I would. say bring up bring a couple of your boys. 10 people from last time fun so now. Baker feels really comfortable your. sisters are excited they're getting to. meet Baker Mayfield their brother's a.

big celebrity and they got two Baker's. friends that are regular dudes that are. talking to your sisters and being real I. love this night keep going tell me. there's an invite for me and Leanne. we'll be the last ones Leanne would get. an invite. and she can bring a plus one that's me. this is a [ __ ] Baker Mayfield I'm. getting [ __ ] up with your sisters his. buddies brought weed I can't [ __ ]. wait hey bring the pastor from the.

Hillsong group all right Carl's in Carl. did it with Bieber yeah we got Bieber. Carl your sisters Baker his boys his. chick my chick you we need a girl for. you oh that is the biggest question of. all who's it gonna be I would say. celebrity invite a Groove scene from. afar who you respect maybe she's an. actress maybe she's a singer-songwriter. and it's it's a retail hey this is the.

text hey me and my buddy Bert hmm. are taking my sisters his wife My Buddy. Baker Mayfield his buddies to go see. Morgan Whalen. I would love for you to come as my plus. one. um. who is she she's gonna hear this who is. she though she's going to hear this I. don't know who she is okay let's see. let's see is it let's okay. I'll tell you the ones the ones that are. undeniable to me Charlize Theron.

okay uh Jennifer Aniston. um okay. she been with too many guys for me okay. okay okay unnoted. um. uh who's uh oh how about the girl but. I'm about to go from uh Ozarks. oh yeah she'll be cool. you got the [ __ ]. and that's how our night ends and that's. our night ends if you want to stop me.

you're gonna have to [ __ ] kill me. that's fire dude yeah that's a fun. button that is and she is a great. actress yeah she is how old is she let's. make sure she's clearable how old is she. we've had issues in our. Universe okay Ruth langmore Ruth. langmore yeah langmore is that a real. name oh that sounds like a dateable name. as well. yeah I like Ruth langmore I think would. be nice he would be fun it would be by.

the way look we could if she could we. could get her drunk and like say the. line again say the line again and we're. in a [ __ ] Sprinter van Baker's got. his shirt off and he's like let's. [ __ ] go she's like yeah. you're gonna have to [ __ ] kill me. your sister's gonna hand on the wall. this thing's moving really fast lehan's. drunk she's playing with my dick in the. back that's what I'm talking about let's. burp that worm Morgan come to L.A yeah. Morgan let's go we got the livest group. ever coming back we're going backstage.

and you know him back there dude. somebody can blow him I'll do it. oh damn brother ice cold dicks yeah bro. no warm dicks bro that someone clipped. this out and he's going home you gotta. watch the whole podcast man yeah man I. think you're you're missing something. man and what's great is we hang we wake. up hungover as [ __ ] oh Carl Lintz comes. in he's like hey guys how's everyone. feeling we're like oh a little rough and.

he's like hey why don't we all bring it. in yeah. let's hold hands yeah and we're like. he's like dear Lord. we had a great night last night amen. Lord I want you to look at everyone. right now and fill them with your love. fill them with your respect your honor. and I want you to take them from the. place they are and lift them up to where. they should be for the rest of the day. Lord I am Carl I got a direct. communication line with you do what you. did for Bieber for them. and let them have a great day who wants.

waffles. yeah we all go get [ __ ] waffles God. waffles dude God waffles I love that. man we had quite a time uh. uh can I just say this might be the best. podcast I've ever been on this is the. funnest time I've had in a long [ __ ]. time oh thanks man you're the best are. you the best I'm I'm so. I love watching you you're so funny. you're so [ __ ] talented man and. you're not you're just an inspiration. for so many of us out there like just to. to try to step up our level podcasting.

and to step up or try to step up our. level stand up you're so [ __ ]. talented buddy I'm so glad to have you. as friend oh thank you dude well you're. an Inspire you're you're an inspiring. guy you bring good energy man and um. yeah you just don't you just keep going. bro and that's a big part of life man it. really is you know sometimes if you. don't let the [ __ ] catch up with you. because some of us stop there and wait. [ __ ] sit for it yeah you know and. that's and it'll meet you there it's a. good that's a good analogy you need to. treat the what you need to treat the bad. [ __ ] the way horses treat [ __ ] just.

comes out their ass and they keep. walking yeah they keep proofing like. that's not my problem I don't know who. you're talking about someone else is. getting that for me yeah yeah yeah. ladies and gentlemen bird Chrysler you. can check out the uh birdie boy relapse. tour yup um we're hitting Alaska uh. December 15th uh going all through Texas. all through Lafayette you're near your. hometown oh there you go yeah I'm in. Vancouver Victoria this weekend if your. when's this come out. um that comes out next week next week.

next week next week this week uh Red. Rocks sold out Cajun dome in Lafayette. Corpus Christi Lubbock wow yeah so uh. got a bunch of dates and like I said. Alaska and secret time I'll be in uh. Europe dude I'm so proud of you and. amazed and uh I love the idea of betting. on yourself betting up that moment where. you're like you know what I'm gonna do. Red Rock and now you're doing it again. doing it again sold out quicker I'll do. it again next year too I love it. nerevrock's one of the coolest places. I've ever performed in my life look. Sebastian has Madison Square Garden that.

makes sense that that's his Mecca yeah. you know. um uh I for me Red Rocks is like. it's like we're staying the next night. to watch Wilco wilco's one of my. favorite bands in the world I can't wait. to go to Wilco with Shane Gillis Mark. Normand my wife I got I did the same. thing I did for damn dude I got a whole. I got a whole set of cabins like 12. cabins for everyone on a River in. Evergreen Colorado I got everyone cabins. I got us all coming in Sprinter vans.

there Sprinter vans to our show IVs in. the morning Sprinter vans back big party. next morning IV's Sprinter Vander Wilco. everyone merches it out we got to meet. Jeff Tweedy hopefully hopefully I can. talk to Jeff Tweety the same way I talk. to you about pre-sale. because I think Jeff tweedy's leaving. some money on the floor anyway but uh. but yeah I can't wait man it's the. [ __ ] best and I'm bringing my trainer. we're gonna work out hard every morning. ah I can't [ __ ] wait and then we fly. out we fly out from uh Red Rocks private. to Lafayette to do the Cajun Dome um.

[ __ ] pump dude this is what oh man. I'm just I love I love it you're living. you're dreaming you're lit you're not. only you're living here but you're. choosing to live here you're like I'm. gonna not only be here alive in my dream. but I'm going to live a dream yeah and. that's uh that's another way of thinking. man thank you very much yeah thank you. buddy. [Music].

[Music]. but it's gonna take.