Bert Kreischer | This Past Weekend #128

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picture or something or you know she. always takes pictures the wrong way at. birthday parties right in with the. window in the background so all the. sunlight is there and it's not even cool. pictures she sends and but those are. still emails that I want to reply to a. lot of other emails I get are all types. of Groupons from Russia things like that. people want me to invest and you know. glitter mining all type of shady stuff. but now you can get rid of all those. crazy emails in your inbox and that is. with the same box same box so you.

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your free trial and receive a $25 credit. that's sane box.com / theo and when i. think a sane box I don't think of my. ex-girlfriend your knowing on today's. guest is a man who actually that book. Van Wilder was based on this man and he. is uh you know when you think about a. man I mean I bet if you just cracked. this bad little piece of human cattle.

open I bet his colon smells like Miller. lights and he's a special kind of man. and he's a family man he's a comedian. he's done some really wild stuff in his. day and he was once voted the number one. party human in America as a child as a. semi adult child and he's not an. alcoholic but he's you know well I. probably shouldn't have said that part. of this but he has a new special coming. out on Netflix called secret time and.

he's here today my friend mr. Bert. Kreischer. [Music]. [Music]. I've done this a lot my life I was. thinking about this Abed lot like I take. liberties with people that I think I. know right and I make a joke and they're. like and because I'm not a ballbuster.

I'm like I just hang out guys people. think I don't like them and I go no no I. [ __ ] love you I just thought like you. break my balls I can break yours and. right that's all yeah yeah yeah I feel. you Whitney Cummings was in here we were. all I had the same thing happen or. Whitney are the exact like like I did. this thing where this was breaking balls. I didn't know and I put it it gets me so. upset because I go I like I like you I'm. you're my friend like I'm doing this for. fun but I we went to a Rams game and you. if you do.

hashtag mob squad your picture goes up. on the methane Jumbotron and so I. remember the scene you got on the. jumbotron I got on the jumbotron I'm all. over the Jumbotron whenever you go to. that game I'm like the first nine. pictures because it's the most likes get. up on the jumbotron yeah there's one of. me with a bunch of chicks and I got the. machine on my first point of that yeah. and so as a joke I'm with my buddy Tony. and we're [ __ ] up and I'm flipping on. Instagram to see if I'm up on the. jumbotron and there's a picture of. Whitney with our horse and my buddy goes. oh my god wouldn't be [ __ ] hilarious. just screen grab it post as if it's on.

your account hashtag mob squad and it'll. go up on the jumbotron and so I do it it. goes up on the jumbotron and just the. row behind or someone goes who the [ __ ]. brought their horse to a game and we're. laughing hysterically and then you know. Whitney just it's just out of context. and she's like the [ __ ] is he making fun. of me right I'm like no you're my friend. oh my god then you feel horrible and. you're like and you're like I just want. to call you and go cuz the text doesn't. work the way right but yeah I do that to. everyone you know you can't do it to. Bill burr these are the ones I do it to.

where it says total safe place and maybe. I should just stay there Segura Bill. burr Rogan re Joey even with Joe you got. to be a little careful because in Joe. because Joe is not the most. technologically all over the map guy. right he just hears word-of-mouth. Gilbert was [ __ ] on you he'll call. you immediately yeah but like Joe man we. [ __ ] with Joe Hardy [ __ ] on that still. Brock tober thing yeah oh yeah when he. was doing. I remember he came in and Kevin the. congressman said he seemed kind of like. upset I was like what's going on he's.

like I've had to do yoga for 30 days let. me tell you let me tell you something. about [ __ ] Rogen and by the way well. just because of these internet goddamn. trolls I love Joe Rogan he's one of my. closest friends but man when he when we. started doing that hoe of October thing. this is how it went down okay it was all. about me. everyone's gonna do it but then Ari and. Tom said they'd be into it and and we. thought it was a thing a collective with. Joe so I cut this video and in the video. it's me running through the forest and I. go this sober octo so October me and my.

friends - titty Tom are either well. Shaffir and Joe and powerful Joe Rogan. we'll all be one sober I send it to Joe. before I post it and I go hey just. making sure everyone's cool with this. Joe didn't reply right and so we're like. he took that as he ya know so cigar and. Tom and I are like sugar and Noreen are. like wait with no reply from Joe oh and. then our he's like weep Joe's doing it. right so he sends a text and Joe's like. no [ __ ] you guys I don't have a problem. you guys [ __ ] suck you guys are doing. it and then our ease then our amounts of. [ __ ] attack campaign I think any.

texts us independently he goes yo I'm. taking down Joe you are with me now. sucker is such a [ __ ] [ __ ] even when. we [ __ ] write or he's like I'm gonna. post a video I want your comments to be. the first two comments on Instagram huh. and I know we're gonna workshop them so. they're aggressive enough that Joe has. to reply right. so I write mine I guess I really don't. have a problem Joe's got the problem he. can't give up marijuana whatever I said. you know he needs it to eat his dinner. if you need marijuana eat your dinner.

you've got a problem and this the girl. right sister is such a [ __ ] [ __ ] he's. like he's like powerful Joe Rogan. doesn't need to give up anything he's. the greatest human being in the world. whatever the [ __ ] you said it was like. that right right aryen are like no [ __ ]. you. we're writing yours yeah and you're. cutting pasting it you're not leaving us. out to dry right so we I wrote Tom's. Senate sorry and it was with the hashtag. pray for Joe Wow and that pray for Joe. went [ __ ] viral like it's on the end. of my special on the end of my special. that like who would you that want to. thank and I wrote I want to thank -.

titty Tom the Welch and hashtag pray for. Joe and the crazy thing was that you go. to hashtag pray for Joe if there's. also tons of like people that have been. hit by cars named Joe and stuff like. that who are in all these like hospital. beds and then there's Joe Rogan no like. the Dalai Lama so it's okay it's a. really wasn't really caught up in there. I went to the pray for Joe hashtag one. time and end up spending like probably. almost $2,000 in GoFundMe campaign no. dude I can't even I don't know what to I.

don't blame you it's I'm telling you man. and I we know I think one of the things. people enjoy about that sober October. and about these bets that me and Joe and. Ari and Tom make is that it sets up the. joke for them to join along and they can. make fun of the comics they love like. Joe or Tom or Ari or even myself hmm and. then and they know that we get it that. we know it's a joke right and so and. they make us laugh and then we repost. good ones and people are like you're. people come up with me and greets but. like bro do you remember the the picture.

where Joe was up front and you and Ari. were in Vietnam and Joe is it was. Apocalypse Now and I was like yeah and. they're like I made that you're like. total [ __ ] dude and I we follow a lot of. those guys like Photoshop Steve oh sorry. guys there's a lot of really great. artists out there that we all just got. into because they make awesome [ __ ]. photo shops dude Adi Brock's Diab rocks. there's a man there yeah there's a. conflict follow them all because. whatever they post the ones with Talia. the guys that [ __ ] with Talia make me. laugh least Eric oh do when I go on the.

road and I get videos with stuff of. people it's always like [ __ ] Talia all. of them dude [ __ ] Rapoport. he's someone when he lost his belt to me. they have a belt right here that I won. wait how do I get the belt you hey you. have to win it okay you didn't win it. Minova how do I win it uh I don't know. oh so it's like they kid I'm going on. fire in the kid like couple weeks I. talked to Brian and okay so what. listeners in just vote right okay and. but here's the thing though I didn't you. I didn't do any campaigning so there was. just like that was the thing it was like.

you let their listeners vote and I feel. like their listeners just voted and I. beat Chris D'Elia by like this was last. year by like thirty one percent to. thirty percent or something Hinchcliffe. had one percent even though he campaign. like a [ __ ]. we also has I feel like he has by the. way roses but he just manages that. really. well you notice that if I gotta be. honest with you if someone can get this. up I know this I'm the only one that. sees this. Tony hunts Club today looks like Joe. Rogan in 1991 no I swear to [ __ ] god.

there's a picture where Joe is in a. leather jacket and he's off to the side. and he's like this and their jaw lines. there this jaw part is identical this is. pre kettlebell Joe Tony Hinchcliffe. could go as Joe Rogan for Halloween I. bet I hung a over from Newsradio I don't. know even then Joe is getting a little. yoke but Tony has like the very here's. like to [ __ ] like uh Tony has like. somebody who's been who was trapped in.

like a mine or something and finally. made it out like but years later and. everybody like they thought everybody. had died in there whatever they built a. neighborhood on the mine and everything. and it's all over and Toulouse even. forgot about it and then Tony comes out. like it a chameleon like literally he. had a rock climb from a million feet. like he was the first of the the Thai. soccer team kids yeah he's the big one. yeah dude Tony's got that that that. little brother strength where you like. you go into the house and you think. you're like oh I'm bigger than I'm gonna.

[ __ ] him up and then you go and [ __ ]. with a little brother but he's been. being punched so much by the big kids. yeah all sudden he's like [ __ ] to the. nuts Kong oh my god. your little brother doesn't fight fair. tony has a look ivy look at her and Tony. [ __ ] roasts him the other day so he's. getting this back right now where he. looks like he's holding the devil in his. mouth on him you look at him he's like. this like the devil is living right on. it like the devil is resting on his. tongue and he's just he knows it's in. there he doesn't want to show it to you.

you know. oh the Badger the feeling when we text. each other and you just don't hear my. response yeah and you're like dude I. [ __ ] pissed them off oh I send. another text and these someone were. texts you don't have a wow we're. touching fruit Justin Harry and David. dude my freaking uncle got a piston I'm. Harry and David no there was gay fruits. from a gay man's farm yeah it up it. might be its payers they're good do you. don't think straight men can grow these. kind of pairs have you see had I ever. had him know Harry and David Lakers they.

just make pairs I mean yes if you're. broke right. the only [ __ ] cookies delivered I see. the cookies I got the cookies I also had. the apples from Oreo eeeh vertebrate. Nabisco those dude when I was in college. we had this this do that work for. Nabisco his name was cuz and he always. show up with all the destroyed products.

cases of Nutter butters like I got to. the point where I got stuck to be a such. an aficionado I would take the Nutter. butters and I'd put them in a in a. cabinet and let them get stale there's. nothing better than utter butter yeah. Oh soft Jew yeah it's almost like a. brownie oh I would take Nutter butters. and I would dip them in melted chocolate. right but I'd leave just enough area. space so that I could open so I could. soak them in milk so there would be it.

was almost like a soft milk cookie. inside chocolate mmm do we this dude in. our neighbor named dirt this dude Mert. everybody called him dirty Mert right oh. let's do this let's go neighborhood for. neighborhood about white trash. [ __ ] this will be fun as [ __ ]. well start myself but I'll go dirty Mert. do this do dirty murder so he would get. Nutter butters and different types of. cookies right he would let him get you. know to the point with some of them. crumble now some of them if they're. really not a good cookie like I uh.

sometimes a chocolate chip cookie will. get bad and then it'll fall apart yeah. that's a piece of [ __ ] yeah. that's a [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] that I. didn't have any but there's nothing in. it you can't do that with the really. like the soft batch ones you got to eat. them right away right like Nabisco the. the Chips Ahoy I mean it's it's middle. ground middle ground but man but. sometimes you get one but here's what. you do if you go all the way around this. dude Mert would go all he would let him. get soft and then let him ride the. [ __ ] ride the empty you know just. ride the empty tank all the way back to.

[ __ ] heart and you were like wow they. were a different color then I know then. they had gone a different color they'd. gone down the color scale and they were. called these [ __ ] dirty Mertz and. this dude have a whole sack of them and. he [ __ ] give them out and we ate them. any. whay bruh we knew how long they'd been. out and about and wherever he used to. leave a [ __ ] rower remember this now. he had a like a Buick like a like some. type of a Buick or Crown Vic or. something he would leave him like in the. [ __ ] heat on the back of his [ __ ].

car almost like he's oh my god you know. my wife's family that's how they used to. cure meats they put it that up I swear. to god they put meats and it's no wonder. this your wife in know my wife's fantasy. this is really [ __ ] redneck like why. discipline your dog with a shovel. redneck oh yeah like the kind that. you're like hey my mother hit dogs. anymore they're like how you gonna learn. they would put meat and fruits inside a. old beat-up like that they definitely. have cars everywhere in their front yard.

and backyards right there cars. everywhere my her father I'm not even. joking on his property he may have a. hundred and fifty broken down cars boats. he collects outboard motors mhm and he's. got he's got a short storage shed of all. the [ __ ] from when she was a kid. just on his property but they used to. put fruits and meats inside the cars in. the summer let him dry out that way. beautiful redneck right there that's. [ __ ] beautiful dude a little bit of. that [ __ ] back deck jerky boy Oh and.

then like you whenever you go to like a. family reunion they'd have Cool Whip. containers it was how you did. instead of like like nice yeah okay we. quit an entertainer and you're like oh. your mashed potatoes are in a coolant. container I know they've grandma and one. of the grandmas would be like I don't. wait thankou dude the first time I ate. dinner I ate at their house this is so. what made you wanna being your wife will. you guys just total just [ __ ] out of. the gate or like what was the whole deal. there ya know my wife my wife was your.

wife's a beautiful lady to manage I. spent cameras are very sweet she's great. she's great I started she didn't get a. real short haircut did she no okay and. that's something that doesn't cause a. lot of couple start to look the same as. they get older and if they're still. [ __ ] and they're not you got a that. to me is there something else is going. on no no it's like they're just trying. to make one person as hard as they can I. had sex with a girl a day this grown. college. got her all her hair got a pixie haircut. and we're having sex and as we're.

[ __ ] I'm drunk right now as her. [ __ ] I went he's like [ __ ] a dude. and I was like woah woah woah yeah I was. like whoo well that's a buck um I met. LeAnn and we dated for a little bit I. didn't put a label on it and then she. dumped me. mhm and then when she dumped me I fought. to get her back I made her a mix tape I. did everything what else do you do every. thought do you mean honestly Oh try. I was crying or driving down there like. you poppy flowers no I'm [ __ ] crying. okay I made salt water with my eyes I.

went to an AAA meeting I did everything. I went to a meeting. dude I gotta say a meeting and they're. like and I'm with this guy I guess I. shouldn't say his name but he's like. he's like you should stand up and talk. and I was like I was just lost man I. wanted this chick back Wow what did you. say this is great cuz I go to a meeting. so what do you say if you so they go um. I love this was like alright I go I. don't know if I feel comfortable talking. I don't really made any decisions about. what I'm doing in my life I'm just. trying to like get this chick back and.

see if I have a problem because the. reason we broke up is I gotten drunk at. a dinner party and I just argued with. her friend and I wouldn't let it go and. so I could see that and so uh he goes. yeah I just talk I'm like okay I'm gonna. talk and part of me is a comic I'm like. yeah I gotta get up it's a little staged. time as a bad guy in front of me I love. it there I go to get I gotta stand up. right and then the guy in front of me. stands up he goes do you mind if I go. and I was like oh sorry yeah go ahead. he stands up and he goes hi my name's. Dave or whatever yeah I'm an alcoholic.

and everyone's like hi Dave he's like. it's been a rough day oh this morning my. landlord came over and I sucked his dick. and then I lit his car on fire oh my god. and I was like I can't follow that yeah. I was like I can't let somebody else go. I can't go right after that I'm gonna. [ __ ] eat a bullet up next guy you're. like this is the Chris D'Elia of a. meeting so I didn't say anything left. and I was like I was like I don't know. if that's for me and then and then like.

the next day I wanted a jog down Outpost. I came running down outpost on to. Franklin I live right over by Hollywood. Island and I and I was I was like I. don't know what. you were out here when you met your lady. oh yeah yeah yeah and I was like I don't. know what's wrong with me I feel like I. I don't I was like I really don't feel. like I have a drinking problem I really. don't feel like by going need to stay. sober for a while get my head straight. if I'm gonna be single I need to figure. out what I'm doing with my life and I. had this a moment that I spoke to God. God's and I think God said if you want.

her back he's just got a promise that. she's the one and you won't [ __ ] it up I. swear to God I spoke to God no idea and. I was like I go I'll never [ __ ] this up. just give her to me and I will never. [ __ ] it up I'll marry her and this will. be my chick this is the one for me he's. like I remember him saying in my head to. me mm-hmm remember who just said I got. home and she was in my bedroom on my bed. and she was in a sundress and she goes I. think we need to figure out how to what. was she doing in there she had just gone. to church she'd gone to a church down in.

Compton cuz she's Baptist and you come. on up here and she'd gone to a church in. Compton and and in church someone had. said to her in her head you need to get. this guy this guy's a good guy he needs. a second chance Wow. and so then we just we hung out we had a. great time didn't party for like six. months it didn't drink for like six. months and then one day we're in Italy. it's New Years Eve and it's snowing on. Venice it just starts snowing I'd [ __ ]. you there that sounds beautiful and I. said I said to her I said I gotta be. honest with you this is what I want to. drink is like it's snowing we're in same.

you drank for six months six months I. didn't drink and I didn't have a like. that's other problems I don't have a. problem quitting drinking like I almost. have a problem starting up again right. it's so like I go I don't I just feel. like I Shh I want a drink and she goes. honey I don't think you've a drinking. problem I have a drink well we had a cup. we had a but we split a bottle of wine. went out in the snow in st. marks it was. empty it was [ __ ] empty was like the. day after New Year's Eve town is shut. down and it was [ __ ] gorgeous st. Mark's st. Mark's is a big square in. Venice it's like just huge and it was.

just starting to snow it was like. perfect snow everywhere I was [ __ ]. great and so yeah I've been with her. ever since but then she got nervous cuz. she's like okay I got to introduce you. to my family first thing she said was my. dad my dad lives in a convenience store. okay. and I was like a CES they call him I go. okay and she's like I just want you to. know like you know like my family's from. very humble means yeah I was like. alright sure enough is called Kemp's. corner and it was in Bowden Georgia and. we pulled up about owing bowd oin no.

bowd and Wow. and walk into a convenience store with. all your luggage right like how [ __ ]. weird you walk into like a convenience. store with all your luggage and then. walk into the back and put it in the. back and we hung out there went out to. eat came back and the he closes of a. convenience store and we're sleeping in. the freezer right pitch-black no windows. ice cold a love it's like a cave yeah. and the Milman like right before bed. he's like did you guys want anything. like a snack before bed and I was like. yeah you just walk into a convenience.

store I got like a [ __ ] 40. I got a Snickers bar I got some Reese's. peanut butter cups I was like this is. [ __ ] just murdering food I was like I. think I love you I think I need to marry. you I'm gonna get you pregnant first. your redneck you understand yeah yeah. man that's a seaman first it's dude you. gotta see if that [ __ ] chick will. play yeah can't take her to the game not. known if she can pitch yeah and did you. guys when do you guys start making love. or you'd already been making love who. know we don't even make yeah we we had. sex probably like five dates in this.

back to her Sex in the City. remember that Sex in the City run we're. all guys thought all girls were [ __ ]. mm-hmm. I remember thinking that that will just. even looking on Instagram so there was a. period where women were like and that. thing is still there but like Sex in the. City came out and when we're like yeah I. like to [ __ ] oh I could see that and now. we're in control of our own [ __ ] and. that scared the [ __ ] out of me cuz I'm. only have sex with six people women why. am I saying people what woman [ __ ]. adult women too don't women or all the.

women you ever had sex with over the age. of 18 yeah Wow yeah even my first one. when I was 17 was 18. [ __ ] yeah do play baby she was a senior. lay up dude yeah JV dude getting up in. the bigs huh yeah and I dated a chick. younger than me when I was 18 and I. never [ __ ] her because I this is gonna. sound so creepy that I would have this. wherewithal but even then I just didn't. think it was right so I was like she's. younger than me. she was like a junior hmm I was a senior. I was 18 she probably 16 set maybe 17.

and I was like I'm going to college. and I don't think that's right to do to. someone is take their virginity and just. [ __ ]. yeah yeah that's not cool and I never. had sex with her Wow yep. shout out to Jim Bethea Jim hey what if. she showed up now do you think your wife. could give you a pass she's married to a. guy that I [ __ ] really respect but no. she's smoking and what if something hey. Jim Buffet is gorgeous to this day what. if something happened to that guy if. something happened to both our wives and. me and her ended up like say we're all.

now a cruise right and and it's like the. end of infinity Wars like half the. people just died yeah that's me and Jen. I still wouldn't know no she's. complicated. I love really one of my close friends. but but what she's just a complicated. person she is yeah she can [ __ ] work. she can work you in a spiral oh she's. great though yeah but yeah I don't I. mean I don't know I know her too well is. like I've known her for almost like a. little sister well my whole life now. because after that I went to Florida. State then she moved out to LA she was a. stylist for a while Lily yeah she's.

great and you saw her again you got you. were dating your lady here with your. lady you have known her date when I was. dating my chick I've known her she's. dated a couple of my friends I love her. but like I couldn't man she's she's way. too much have you and your wife ever. thought about like doing swinging or. anything like that not even remotely. Lily that's so not LeAnn LeAnn Oh Liam. barely wants to [ __ ] me yeah let alone. other people huh yeah I think she's got. a crush on you though really yeah she's. a lot she loves you man she's a lady you.

she took a shine to you and Schumer but. the two people she really liked well. let's talk about real let's talk about. reality bites back because that's where. you and I first met each other which is. kind of crazy like some people don't. even know about this show and I wish I. don't know if we could put clips of it. into this episode without it getting. taken down dude if I I'll tell you right. now if you could find the clip of me. getting kicked off of reality bites back. yeah do you remember that Greg Louganis. dude I'm great and Michael Ian Black. yeah do you remember what how I got. kicked off I remember you did like yeah. you were somebody said you did like a.

DNA like like a broke chain D like an. HIV kind of DNA hit pants on a desk yeah. I've got there was it so for those who. don't know it's a reality show within a. reality show and I don't know where you. can find it if you can find this clip I. have all the videos at home please send. it to me I would love it and I'm gonna. make it sound ridiculous this is exactly. what it is. me mo mandel and Amy Schumer on the. final table hmm I have been hitting on. Greg Louganis the whole time as a joke I. thought it was like and he was handsome.

I mean this is back tell you by the way. can I stop it with a pin in this your. dive in the wheelchair. hey Amelia or art was the funniest. [ __ ] thing in the world. thanks man I'll describe it for anyone. who can't see it. Theo does this like song to the judges. about Amelia Earhart makes no sense yeah. get to the wheelchair someone rolled you. off correct someone rolls him off and he. falls I think 25 feet 20 feet onto his.

stomach yeah with what I think wings. attached to your wheelchair and and. knocks the wind out of him legit yeah. hops up like and we are all like fooling. me Earhart like a lily Earhart and. everyone's like 10 10 10 it was [ __ ]. amazing. and then mo mandel oh yeah oh did it. mimmo's dance Mose dive there's the. whole thing was so you think he could. dive it's a mix-up so you think he. danced and a diving competition yeah mo.

man tells was making fun of the time. when Greg hit his head and I even think. he said there's aids in the pool or. something yeah he goes oh man I'm gonna. jump in the pool and I'm I hope I don't. get any aids on me or something then he. jumps and almost hits the diving board. which is [ __ ] it for real. unbelievable and he did not plan on. doing that at all I literally came 1/2. inch from hitting his head on the diving. board yeah and I remember what Amy's. dive was but it was inconsequential yeah. because and mine was everybody else had.

already kind of [ __ ] there were so many. outliers that Amy almost has had a play. right in the middle yeah and and and and. Chris Fairbanks did a double flip yeah. and nobody gave a [ __ ] yeah get this. [ __ ] guy out of here but it was like. every so he plays made so many poor. choices oh and then and then so then. then the whole thing is then that it. turns into the board room with Donald. Trump whatever that show The Apprentice. yeah the pressure they bring us into the. end they bring me Amy and Mo in and it's. Greg Louganis and Michael Ian Black.

and he real quick cruises through MO and. Amy's like mo your dive as well. offensive Amy it was inconsequential. Bert I understand you're married and I. want I am I think with children and I. said I am and he goes you're not a gay. man and I went no and he was like do you. realize how offensive it is to hit on a. gay man and lead him on and make him. think you were gay. I was legit hitting on Greg you again. it's the whole [ __ ] episode like even. low-key hitting on him even when the. cameras were off I was fighting with him. Wow thinking like if you think so you. know whatever right if he thinks I might.

be able to [ __ ] my Pat give me an. extra you know yeah and he was like and. and I think it was edited out but I. think at the thing I go Greg you have. AIDS I would do you think I was hitting. on you and he was like he was like. you're fired. and he just gets up and leaves and Amy. and Mo are like oh my god they're like. what the [ __ ] did we just witness and. then they're like mo and Amy are. dismissed. and they get up and they walk out and. then Michael Ian Black goes Bert you've. made a lot of bad life decisions by the. way he's Mike's the Michael Ian Black.

Sun even joking at this point right and. I was like yeah and he goes your body. your hair I mean facial hair like he's. picking me apart yeah I'm like yeah and. by the way I no joke I am humiliated at. this moment because I had driven all of. us down remember I drove us all down and. in the car ride down Amy said oh my god. what if one of us gets kicked off how. awkward it would the drive back be and I. was like oh my god I got to drive. everyone [ __ ] home. and so I he goes Michael Ian Black psych. oh I'm gonna need your trunks. your suit and I was like okay and so I.

get up and I'm just embarrassed and I'm. trying to make it funny and I don't know. how to mmm so I knock over each of the. chairs and he goes what are you doing. and I said I make big exits Michael and. he was like no there's no music playing. in this Mike Lee and blacks yeah I mean. really talented kind of a [ __ ] though. but he's and he's really straight his. whole thing was like straight man yeah. always and I take my robe off and then I. take my trunks off and I'm naked and. he's like wow he's like and he might be. O'Mara he's not even joking at this.

moment he's like I wouldn't do that by. the way there's a 30 person film crew. there yeah filming this I get on the. table and I put my feet on the back of. his chair and I start pulling his face. into my junk and he's like no no he's. like I go look at it Michael and he goes. I'm afraid I'll turn to stone. no part of you will yeah and then I. don't know and by the way I'm not. winning a laugh it is awkward it is. uncomfortable at this moment and I look. at him and in the lastest ditch effort I. kick and I do a back spin naked and I.

stick it on the table and I look at him. and [ __ ] thank you Michael in black. breaks character and starts laughing. hysterically and the whole set starts. laughing and I walk off now my daughters. were in preschool at the time and I had. only been bragging I will be on Comedy. Central and I know now as I'm driving. you guys back that's all these parents. will see his mean face [ __ ] Michael. Ian Black. yeah oh my god and I tell my wife. neither dad's will be jealous probably I.

tell my wife when I get home I see she. was headed today to go and I said I. think I might've just ruined my career. and she was like really and so I didn't. think about it until an episode aired. and then Amy called me the day there and. I was in Pittsburgh wow what did she say. she goes I just watched the episode. where you got kicked off it is [ __ ]. hilarious. you have nothing to be worried about it. is [ __ ] hysterical she's like. highlight of the show and I was like oh. thank god why it's funny and it was. funny and then it disappeared nobody. really have AIDS regular games cuz yeah.

yeah these HIV positive I'm right HIV. positive positive yeah yeah do you think. you could be eight what's a disease you. could be name three diseases you could. beat honestly Crohn's. oh no way I think so you couldn't beat. crunch can you bring up Crohn's what it. is it's just your stomach hurts a little. bit yeah dude you're talking about a guy. who just like yeah we're [ __ ]. somebody in a deep freezer eating a. [ __ ] snicker and a forty no no way. you're know so you're talking about. beating the disease so you're talking. about me getting it and going I can lick.

this disease yeah I could be Crohn's. which right around the but it's like. irritable bowel syndrome almost yeah I. can be Crohn's okay. I can be friends and by the way I'm not. to be flippant if you have Crohn's you. look you've no idea the hell no no no. super plate we're [ __ ] around. everybody but I'm not joking I changed. my lifestyle stop drinking start eating. healthy and smoking pot every day I. think I can I can manage Crohn's. I think I got managed crime you just did. a triathlon they just did a triathlon. yeah if I here's the thing once I get a. disease all I got to do.

clean my lifestyle up and I. I think I can deal with it okay two. other diseases you think you could be um. hmm with some with your eyes optimum. optimum I could definitely Optima what. is that I think that's a word this is. getting better yeah I could beat the. gout easy. yeah Gattis that's just shrimp you know. too much shrimp yeah not enough elbow.

movement um but it affects millions. across the [ __ ] across the south. I grew up in the gout belt dude. everybody at Gao everyone's got gout. back in Tampa dude red wine and [ __ ]. saucy shrimp yeah you're fair your. people owe half a [ __ ] family's like. crustaceans barnacle on your back and. like not [ __ ] had a salty salad a. couple years ago and it's never been the. same. it's crazy how salt just will get stuck. in your body dude when I like no joke.

when I get my heaviest it's like when. I'm on the road doing like if I do a. theater run I kind of balloon up because. I'm flying and partying every day like. fly perform party fly perform party and. that's when I balloon up and I'll come. home and I'll be like 240 and then just. all eat healthy for two days and I'll. drop 15 pounds immediately of just water. weight I'm just cuz that you eat like. [ __ ] in the airports you drinking booze. you're retaining water. you're on planes your ankles are bloated. yeah and then all of a sudden just I.

always think like if I just built fences. I'd be in great shape really like just. built fences are like oh really yeah you. don't think you'd be there. cuz look I used to work in that type of. labor force or not I mean it's so easy. bro to become this to do that [ __ ]. naps in the truck dude it's so easy to. be that dude okay I'm on you're right. I'm wrong I'm the Napper oh yeah what. the [ __ ] am i doing what the [ __ ] am I. doing here I got confident with Crohn's. and I started saying [ __ ] I could do no. I couldn't do that you're right you're. right cuz I'm the guy that if I was. building fences and they were like hey.

man we're gonna burn one behind the. house I'm in I'm in next week you know. him in the back of a bed of a truck with. my head on the hammer going oh yeah yeah. bills here let's get back to work yeah. it's so easy to book like all it takes. is one long lunch and next thing you. know you're that [ __ ]. one long lunch where they go in and they. pull in the store and the guy in front. of you your head your head chaperone. you're a guy yeah great so grabs a 40. just a tall boy is a work and he were. working hard and suddenly the next thing. you know you're Rodney King never Rodney. King when he was on a celeb celebrity.

worked for like some housing company and. he worked for a pool company really in. in Compton Terry basil worked with him. didn't he comedian yeah Harry basil that. runs the Laugh Factory they just show. you no respect. what is that Rodney Dangerfield oh yeah. Rodney Dangerfield I don't see I don't. drink before I go onstage and I say. Rodney King is the victus one of the.

victims yeah wait a 6 degree of. separation Rodney King from himself wait. Harry basil Rodney Dangerfield oh you're. talking about Rodney okay I get no. respect I'm sure he said that at some. point during the beating hey I got no. respect yeah do you think we'll ever get. to that kind of a racial stuff again I. don't think that we will yeah I feel. like we're I feel like we're going up on. a race war right now you do the way. things are going shaking down like I.

followed the maybe the wrong people on. Instagram but like it seems like like. I'll tell you I'll tell you the race war. that is happening and if you don't know. that then you're not paying attention. close enough feminism has a race war. inside it inside of it dude there. there's this I just read an article. yesterday saying the white feminists are. the new Nazis really yeah because white. feminism doesn't I get from what this. article said this isn't me but white. feminism is is does not account for the.

struggles of the of the women of color. they only account for their own struggle. Lena Dunham I guess is the perfect. example in this article they said this I. don't I'm not but she went after Odell. Beckham jr. for not flirting with her. and all the black feminists were like oh. I'm sorry because he's a black man he's. got to flirt with you he can't be there. to work you just look at him as a piece. of meat and and. and Lena Dunham was like Oh Amy sadly. our friend Amy is in that group that.

people do she got so much [ __ ]. trouble for Jesus I really like that. sometimes I wonder is she I think it's a. business person oh I don't think she's a. bad person but I start to wonder once. you get into that level of making money. in that level like how much of you just. becomes a business she's okay she okay. she got in trouble for doing Beyonce's. lemonade video on the set of snatched. she got a lot of trouble they're like. cultural appropriation now I am some of.

that [ __ ] is [ __ ] ridiculous. some of that stuff to me is [ __ ]. ridiculous like at a certain point it's. like if we're all supposed to mix it's. like things are gonna get appropriate. like if you want to talk about some of. the things that are like been the latest. like hypothetical slave owners a lot of. it has been people owning the rights of. performers like and across all. ethnicities you know and like I don't. [ __ ] know man so much it makes me mad. brah you know Donna you probably don't. cuz you are [ __ ] unattractive to a lot.

of men when you're Odell Beckham jr. can. tell me a lot of decent looking women. everything yeah he's got his he gets she. gets any DeVito looks [ __ ] better. than Lena Dunham I think or they're. pretty much the same. I would [ __ ] I would probably [ __ ] him. first cuz he had curlier hair you know. she just seems like a blank like I wanna. I do wanna have sex with a woman because. they have a vagina but I don't want just. really that's a good reason but I don't.

want that person to be just a complete. [ __ ] and that's what Lena Dunham seems. like to me actually we couldn't even. find the vagina because she's just a. [ __ ] I think she's just a business. person and she doesn't care really about. whim and all that family to the hurried. but at a certain point when things. become a business I don't think it can. just be about what your cause is anymore. well that's what I worry about have is. on us I'll defend Amy in this statement. but she gets so big that I think there. she has a responsibility to say certain. things for young ladies who look up to.

her right she can't just [ __ ] be like. we are right now in the [ __ ] [ __ ] I. agree and so I think she you know but. also celebrities get to this point and I. think that that's the thing. a lot of celebrities unattractive these. days is because that there are they're. not real anymore but there's there's no. nuance to it it's like you say something. in an order of you set is taken into. context and you're like no no note or. taken out of context you're like no take. it in context I was [ __ ] around we're. two comics were bullshitting yeah like. this isn't like like I didn't mean it. you know but I guess people just want. that sound bite and they want a.

clickbait [ __ ] but I think that most of. America thinks that that it doesn't rely. on that anymore I think that's why you. even see like with the election a lot of. people are like I don't think that half. of America is racist [ __ ] that want. to build a wall at all no I think most. people are like I don't and I'll put in. at least I know this guy's a [ __ ] I know. who Donald Trump is yeah he's a [ __ ]. Moulin crook probably yeah just like. every other [ __ ] old white guy in my. town on so I'll put him in all of them.

piece of [ __ ] sorry I don't mean to get. heated bro no I agree with you man I. think if you look and you go like like. when Chris Hardwick got in trouble and. they're like it's it's gone viral he. would they need to fire him I looked. online it was 5,000 people tweeting. about it 5,000 people yeah 5,000 people. that was although job is to tweet about. [ __ ] all day and not to do anything. anything and do you think my dad knew. about it no no do you think any of his. friends knew about it and hope do you. know who what really [ __ ] blew my. mind is I was in I was when I was there.

when I found out I was in Birmingham. Alabama doing the stardome and I was. doing news and I like getting ready to. do news and I said I was I was getting. miked up and and one of the guys just a. guy working for like the janitorial. places I said oh [ __ ]. Chris Hardwick and he goes I love that. guy and I go I was like you're a fan of. Chris Hardwick he was doing I love. walking dead I was like well he's in. trouble he goes I hope you don't get. fired I love his show talking dead and I. was like well you know what happened he. goes I don't give a [ __ ] what happened.

on this like it show yeah that's the. majority America is like man I'm not. gonna read it like now look for the. Harvey Weinstein's yeah it's time for. them to lose your job but the nuance of. like the things with Hardwick you're. like no it's not going viral the whole. world doesn't know about it it's like. bill burr you say I remember he got in. trouble one time I said how's that going. and he goes he was what he's talking. about I said oh you know the thing. everyone's talking about who's talking. about a part who's. talking about it who and I said I don't. know and he goes exactly nobody and I. was like yeah and he goes no one is it's. it's 400 people losing their [ __ ].

minds. yeah and that's what it is these days. that's what it is until it comes after. you one day and you're like it's. everybody right now yeah I'm sure the he. gets nervous I remember like I remember. one point at one time I had gone on a. couple dates with uh one of the Real. Housewives ladies right really and. suddenly I'm at the gym and I'm just. running on the treadmill it's like a. regular day and it's unlike the E news. ticker you know through and it was like. and then there are pitch and I was just.

like this is and I felt like I never. want to be I don't want that to be part. of my life at all because it was this. other creature like my phone started. going Kratt like it was it was on it was. just like make it stop it was like make. it stop this isn't it was out of context. it was just it was everything but it was. just like make it stop this isn't even a. real thing it was just this this. uncomfortable thing and it felt like you. weren't even a person then there was. just tons of judgment or just not even. judgment he she was a pretty lady and.

and she was a you know and and I think. she's very charming and stuff like that. but a lot of stuff was happening outside. of you that you had met that had nothing. no control over and nothing to do with. that had nothing to do with who you were. as a person and it felt wrong that's. what it felt like if I like man. whatever's going on right here is is not. right not just to me but as a scope of. the way to do things you know yeah that. was way scary man that was a scary scary. moment I remember you know talking to my. manager Mike can you just make this stop.

like this just you know and a couple. days later it went away yeah that's the. thing is I think you know if you it's re. always says just bury her head in the. sand for a week get off line go do. something really cool go camping. battlin goes away I think I mean I don't. know I've never I mean I've had that. I've had it happen to me a couple times. with like friends like we're like we're. like you say something shitty on a. podcast and it kind of blows up and. you're like ah [ __ ] and if you just kind. of like sit back it goes away you're. like if you're like me you make coffee. at home you know because look now you.

got to walk somewhere and get coffee no. way sir. coffee at home that's why I do it you. don't think I can be a barista dude I. can all I have to do is be angry so I. make coffee at home and the coffee that. I make right now is bixby coffee bi xby. coffee okay and Bix we got that tasty. cut you know a lot of people don't even. know what you they don't even know where. their coffee beans are from you look at.

their beans I like oh these beans even. have parents you know but bixby coffee. man. it feels just like it has been raised. well and right when you order it that's. right when they roast it so those beans. are made fresh to order bixby coffee. they make Keurig pods if you go like. that. they make Nespresso pods and this [ __ ]. is just so much better than most other. coffees because a lot of the stuff out. there is literally trash Bixby is. delivered right to your door and just. for you guys enter the promo code Theo. at checkout and your first two weeks of.

coffee is just five dollars that's right. two weeks of coffee for $5 Bixby coffee. com use promo code Theo and get that. good [ __ ] I wanted to bounce out of LA. one of the balance when I was on travel. to I want to bounce out of LA and go out. to like Boulder and thank God I didn't. like I fired from Travel Channel well. moving at you though. no you couldn't go get a house I'm out. there and live there if you wanted to or.

do you and honestly do you think is I. think about this too like I think about. you know if I weren't able to catch some. breaks and get to a place where I could. have you know enough of where I could. you know still have my fans come see me. without the fear of losing the ability. to have create fans if you can do if you. could do I mean theoretically if you. could do this in a big market say like. Chicago where you have big comics coming. in and they knew your podcast was still. relevant like Joe could do his podcast. anywhere right people are flying out for.

Joe's podcast so yeah if you get your. podcast that big I could just do. stand-up on my podcast make social media. interesting I don't think I need. television I ma'am I've been offered. I've been on Grey's I've been on for. television pretty aggressively lately. and I just passed on it I'm like I don't. I don't want to do it I want to make my. thing now he didn't do it with all. things comedy making my cooking. oh yeah podcasts come out you know once. a quarter do some bang out some podcasts. do some sets go back out live a full. life. I would love to my wife just my wife.

won't do it our kids are already dialed. in like we're in high school my two. oldest is in high school my youngest is. getting ready to go into high school in. two years all our friends are out here. my managers agents I mean I guess. ultimately I'm just in the [ __ ] game. I mean I'm locked in yeah you know and. it's so say air he had it up in prison. let's go yeah dude you're like [ __ ]. post and I'm you're like Nabisco Malone. I wouldn't want and that was a post. Nabisco joke a lot of people won't get. that it was good thanks man I wouldn't.

mind doing a residency in Vegas damn. little Ralphie that's what they would. call it oh my god what you did was just. like Ralphie May that was the name of it. oh man you looked just like wrapped like. you were that lazy dude I feel guilty. now I know that I had nothing to do with.

this but me and him were on a cruise. ship right before he passed like a few. months for a pouch does he sleep in the. middle of a shake he has sleep in the. middle of a cruise ship six hundred. pounds or five hundred pounds you. couldn't sleep on a side of the cruise. ship could you he was sleeping a lot. that trip he wasn't getting up and doing. much huh and and I went we went to his. room once a day and when we go in there. and smoke a joint in his room and and. what he's just laying in bed the whole. time he was laying in bed a lot he'd get. up and move around I mean I mean I'm I'm. not I'm definitely not speaking ill of.

the dead but anyone was on that ship. would agree he'd move around like. probably two out of the seven days we. were there he'd get up and do stuff and. he not often not often was he moving. around and when you say like like. because I've never been around anybody. that has had that much of a you know an. impairment that wasn't like you know I. had a friend that didn't have any legs. and he didn't do that much and then I. had another lady that I think was just. lazy when I was growing up you know and. she also was taking care of a kid a. black child you know and both her and.

her husband were white and they were. like it was their child everybody even. though the lady that swept at his school. bus was black miss tilly real and it was. obviously her child and we'd go over. there and it was the weirdest thing he'd. like this our son boogie and it would be. like dude they had him dressed up like a. little cowboy and [ __ ] like to make him. just see me wider dude I know joke I. revert this little boogie heat up on. these red boots and he would do this. little [ __ ] dance by the door when. you went in and it was like what like.

even I know that you can't get a black. kid out of two white people no matter. how hard you try I love that name boogie. do you know there's a I met a football. player in a place called the chatterbox. one time booger mcFarland booger. mcFarland that's all the time at the. airport day now I wanted to talk about. so miss Borland they were like these are. my friend booger you know he got the. nickname no cuz he would hit people so. hard that they'd have to [ __ ] pick. him out of their nose are you serious. I did not not those places always have.

boogers the only other booger I met was. Revenge of the Nerds. yes hair pie and now you imagine no but. I hit you so hard you have to pick me. out of your [ __ ] McKim introduced me. to him at the Chatterbox in Tampa when I. was high as [ __ ] and she's like hey this. is my friend I was like hey man how you. doing he's a big guy played at LSU yeah.

and he was like and she's like hey how. you doing I'm Bert he goes I'm booger. and I went I could not stop [ __ ]. laughing and I and no one else was. laughing because he was a buck at the. time yeah everyone knew booger man. follow ya booger so let's go on so I. want to hear more about that Rafi mo. this this thing yeah so I don't know. what I'm saying gonna be in Vegas so we. were all hanging out oh yeah you guys. were on the cruise ship and I said that. I hadn't heard many people that couldn't. move around that much. he hardly enough he is the reason I.

called this special secret time the. Netflix special because he we were all. hanging out and he was like I got off. for the residency in Vegas I was like. man I was like roughly I think that's. the best thing for you in my opinion. you go you get in Vegas you get healthy. you don't have to fly you don't have to. travel. I guess traveling was the thing keeping. him healthy because he was moving around. they had to get him right up and out but. he didn't think of that huh you have to. get up and go to the to the bus you have.

to get up at the gas station maybe go. get a drink you know do stuff you have. to get up and pay for gas you have. together. there's things he had to do I guess but. I was like go to Vegas dude because in. my head I go go to Vegas get healthy get. it get involved some UFC gym out there. yeah where they're like you know maybe. it's not I don't even know but like. they're fans of Rogen's pockets they. know who I am and the let me work out or. like some guy keeps an eye on me and. it's like make sure I'm doing something. healthy yeah and then go in like go play. golf once a day do a show don't drink. cuz you can just come home yeah I'll be.

great for me and I told him I was like. dude do it and so then we did one show I. got to be dead honest - probably the. funniest I've ever seen him in my entire. life he had a joke about have a mediocre. dick you ever heard this and he goes out. he goes wow you got they're talking. about having big dick I got mediocre. dick. no one wants big dick ladies you don't. want big dick leaving your [ __ ] like a. horse reaching for a sugar tube like he. did nine of those do nine of those and. I'm [ __ ] dying laughing you don't. want big because at nine different tack.

he was so good at that. of doing those nine different tags and. then I went up after him and I was. buzzed already I was already drunk and. and I never get but it was like a cruise. ship I'm cow head screws Calton screws I. got high with my ax. yeah he's a sweetheart I got hired with. Ralphie and the things I found funny. were just secrets that I was gonna say. on stage and then Ralph - Ralph Ian cow. head so they could just and just be like. secrets and like I was and I just first. joke was like secret time I got a shower. dry my [ __ ] in the bed and Ralphie.

lost it and he's like he does do that. [ __ ] don't you and I was like yeah and. he goes more secrets player and so I. just kept telling secrets like secret. times name is special Cu times name is. special and I got on stage and Ralph. he's like that's the funniest [ __ ] I've. ever you say he goes just tell secrets. just tell seek oh you kept going tell. what's so true it's like you you like. yeah there's Sonny you like telling. secrets I love telling secrets like when. I go like the perfect example is like. when I go see. I had sex with six people and then I go.

[ __ ] it's like it's women right like. it's you just um and I also feel like if. you keeps like and that's the other part. is I talk [ __ ] about my family so I. don't want them seeing it. sorry that's other part of the secret. time but it Ralphie was like he all. night we went to dinner that night at. the Italian restaurant on the boat and. he was like he kept going. tell me more secrets Bert tell me more. secrets and I just was like and when. you're open up yeah and you and you're. like I was telling them everything I got. the clap in college though I yeah and. then I just tell them the story and they.

were laughing and I was like oh yeah I. guess that's kind of what I do on stage. is just tell a secret and then my kid. dumb as [ __ ] and I tell the story yeah. so yeah so that but Ralphie had to do. with me. daddy that's crazy what is it about it. you think cuz now it's like what do you. think it is about secrets that you like. telling them or like telling things you. shouldn't tell because some people tell. jokes some people tell stories young. people but yeah there is something about. you that it's like um amber says things. you come baby she shouldn't say even you. said it when you came in you kind of.

have to like sometimes like you know. some people are okay with that because. you're joking around at your boys and. some people aren't yeah I don't know I. think I think I'm super I think in real. life I'm really insecure and I'm really. I have a low self-esteem and I think I I. always thought like when I was a kid I. thought jacking off that you were gay. like I didn't know that that meant that. you just were a regular person right and. so I lived with that until I was like. until I was 18 years old you were. jerking off thinking you were gay then I.

thought I just thought I must be gay I. can't stop I must be one of those weird. gay guys that's only attracted to women. because I don't. I'm only jacking off the chicks and I'm. loading up with chicks I had sex with a. chick but I can't quit jacking off and. then we got no our fraternity and they. said something about jacking off and I. was like hold on you guys you guys do. that and they're like everyone does it I. was like where the [ __ ] was this open. and honesty like where was this my whole. entire [ __ ] life and they call it. jacking off with it yeah [ __ ] like a. name Jack no that's when they started. calling it rub them one out everyone. rubs one out yeah and I was like rubs.

one out like yeah you know and I was. like dude Eddie Bravo said they people. would just it used to say play with. themselves you know and it was totally. normal what you gonna what's going on. today man I'm probably gonna just you. know have you know have some kool-aid. maybe. play with myself or maybe you know get a. new harp or something dude I wish that. that had happened earlier from me. growing up because it was I really was. like I must be a pervert yeah there must. be something wrong with me like I don't. think I ever really liked it at a. certain age you go I'm definitely. straight I'm I'm sleeping with I had.

lost my virginity to a chick all I want. are chicks I'm the first time I felt a. chick up in the bushes remember when you. go back into the bushes yeah and just. make out just hold just play with your. tit a million different ways you're like. I've been waiting for this day my entire. [ __ ] life oh my god oh my god oh my. god like oh dude I remember some girl. didn't want uh me to she was like so. nervous about my god I guess seeing us. touch each other or whatever we're in a. sand trap on a golf course right yeah oh. [ __ ]. she was nervous she took her [ __ ].

pants off and everything and then like. tried to cover as much of her body as. she could with [ __ ] sand right so. then I don't even I'm still I'm young. dude I can get through some sand for. some crotch you know like this is you. know yeah this is [ __ ] you know I'm. fired up you know I'm saying I could. probably shoot semen through a [ __ ]. wall of sand at that time let's go. vagina as a golfer would say she was a. fried egg so then I'm playing with this. you know touching this girl's crotch.

with sand everywhere and it was you know. it ended up kind of stopping the. scenario and Shia and and and she didn't. you know she got I want to say sick but. she had to you know talk to the mom and. stuff a bunch after that I got a sandy. hand job one time and Clearwater Beach. did you Oh every hand out of a saying on. there dude you can't keep saying off. your dick South uh north of desk just. rubbing the skin off and you just feel. like just it'll be over in a second. we're just gonna get through this is the. hard part this is love this is mile 20. of the marathon come on dude yeah [ __ ].

yeah god I miss those days like when. like you're when like you were like you. get so excited to touch body and you'd. be like oh my god oh yeah I come over. the first time I finger to chick I was. allow secret time I was thought I was in. the haunted house ride at Disney World. in Orlando and it was the part we're. like and I just I never thought about it. I never like I was in eighth grade knows. like we're making out. on the ride and I'm playing with her. boob hmm and then all of a sudden I just.

was like let's see if this works and it. just went in so quick and like you just. it just worked it just went yeah and I. was like whoa and then I didn't know. what to do with my finger and I just. left it there like I was taking her. temperature yeah left it in there like. yeah pretty nice. that's swaggy day she's like huh I'm. like that's an old doctor move dude dude. bro. I remember one time I was in I was doing. a college show somewhere this is like 10.

years ago and afterwards I was drinking. at a house when I was drinking at a. house right yeah I didn't know the house. was on campus but the police show up and. they say this house is technically on. campus it didn't look anything on campus. at all is like a regular house yeah look. like a dormitory or like a you know I'm. a quadruplex or anything like that so. the cops came took me to jail right and. there was this girl I was flirting with. and I was like exciting maybe I get some. you know hookup. anyway I get back to the hotel or my. buddies are staying in the morning the. girls slept over she hooked up with my.

buddy right yeah and and he had broken. both of us he had two broken arms though. so my other buddy had to hold him up. while he was [ __ ] her like he like he. like laid on got on top of her but then. my other buddy was real strong like. Adonis like leaned over and just held. him up the whole time by his chest so he. could just like dangle his arms like. because my buddy was on top like he. could just dangle his arms and still. live sex and then me and the girl ended. up having sex dude and she had the.

darkest bush I've ever seen in my life. and it was like three or four inches. long it was straight she was like black. she was african-american but just kind. of in the [ __ ] just and it was just the. hair was just very you know it was more. of African and type of hair you know and. it was just so exciting it was such an. exciting time and that was up in. Binghamton I think I remember I remember. in my junior year high school mm-hmm. yeah no moon oh it must've been. sophomore year of high school we're at. Tai Rodriguez's house and and everyone's.

everyone's hooking up yeah just a bunch. of girls bunch of guys it's just like. you know just like [ __ ] like I think. that what do they call like. just makeout fest or something and then. the next morning we're all eatin. breakfast and everyone's like did you. hook up I was like yeah I can I made out. pretty [ __ ] aggressively with I'm. just saying name like Jennifer and. they're like they're like really and my. buddy Sean Tucker goes what time and I. go how an [ __ ] probably like.

nighttime one and he goes you think it. was one more round two I said why don't. I was right before we all went to bed. and they started laughing I go why he. goes because she was sucked my dick at. midnight I was like oh and that's when. everyone's like so wait what's hookers. Dictate I shouldn't say his name I guess. my bucket. what's lookers details yeah he knows. yeah those [ __ ] times you're like oh. god this is gonna make me into a. comedian I guess I gotta have a sense of.

humor about this [ __ ] I've never been a. cool dude with chicks I wish really. never never I could never turn it off. but deke oh I could see that I was. always trying to be funny. you've only got back to the room I could. I just couldn't turn it off really yeah. I got uncomfortable and then like. leaning in the fur first guess oh dude. that's like it's almost like talking a. different language for me like to be. able to like go from what this is right. here like this energy right here which. will work this works with a chick like. hanging out making her laugh get back to. the room and then going from this to.

yeah slow do you remember how whenever. you were you long oh yeah yeah that's. okay it's like cool kissing a [ __ ]. lizard and I kiss with my eyes open. oh really yeah that's insane you scared. the [ __ ] out of some chicks before and. then they open their eyes like what the. [ __ ] did you like what what'd I do that. heat robber. Oh everyone played spin the bottle at. this party and like the prettiest girl. in our town dude this girl had the big I. was in love with this girl her name was. Emily Baumgartner and she was gonna kiss.

me and I could just I got this weird. feeling at first I thought that she had. to vomit and I had to vomit at the same. time I didn't know what the feeling was. right but later on in life I realize. that means we kind of were into each. other it isn't weird like a yeah and. then you're like. I'm getting sick like oh my god feel. that's [ __ ] brilliant. the oh my god that's so [ __ ].

brilliant they she goes in to kiss you. but it does look like you're about to be. sick like she's like and then you look. oh I think I'm gonna throw up now. I do wanna get a bucket oh my god and. then we just put each other's mouths in. the [ __ ] force of Clyde but no I but. for me it was there was something going. on between us and she liked me yeah and. I thought whenever like we looked at. each other we there was this weird. feeling and that's when I thought we're. both gonna vomit like I was like Oh. something does she have to vomit maybe I.

some you know it was just uncomfortable. but then it was time to kiss like the. bottle spun or whatever and then I was. like holy [ __ ] I [ __ ] kiss like the. girl in my dreams and I didn't know how. to kiss anybody dude and as I got closer. to her my mouth kept opening wider and. wider because I've seen something on. television right yeah and then I. literally just wrapped my whole [ __ ]. mouth like around her kind of mouth and. chin and somebody laughed dude some. little [ __ ] imp some little [ __ ]. Moulin Bluebird what would you rather. have you ready yeah what would you.

rather have I'd rather that she had an. Instagram so that I could see her once. in a while cuz she doesn't she doesn't. there's no pictures she could be. deceased and if she is I'm really sorry. to her family but I've never seen any. pictures of her online I looked. everywhere I looked for the black kid in. my neighborhood last night did you yeah. I looked for him I think I found him. he's front we have two mutual friends. bye and I think that and then he's lives. in Tampa if I was looking for him last. night I just woke up had a dream about. him and his sister and and I and I. looked him up and I think I got him I. his dad's on there but his mom's not on.

there so I'm like his mom might have. passed but uh what would you rather have. no question for me to go back in time. and re-experience your first kiss hmm go. back in time and it reappear e'en Stu. first time you had sex with someone. first kiss yeah [ __ ] first sex first. kiss Murray Koval 7th grade we were up. in my bedroom our parents were. downstairs having like a dinner party no.

we were just messing around and I was on. my back his she was on her back Luther. listen to music she just rolled over. rolled over I think we were head to head. just rolled over leaned over started to. kiss him upside down and I just do my. tits got loose and shaky and I lost my. stomach and then I was like huh and then. I heard my sister bird mom and dad want. um ready to come downstairs and I'm like. oh dude I and by the way I kissed her. probably like four times and every. single time felt like a first kiss yeah.

dude I remember there was this girl. named Chrissy hunt when I was real young. and she could have been seven or she. could have been [ __ ] 40 and she the. first time I guess I think she had the. blood in her mouth for some reason and. it was because her teeth were all banged. up I don't know what happened she may. have been in a wreck right before we. kissed and uh but she had blood in her. mouth and I remember thinking it that. was crazy and then years later but I. remember oh the kids a neighborhood kids.

would lock us in a room together we. weren't allowed to come out until we. kissed and it was just the hardest. [ __ ] thing in the world bro it was. like I was just cuz I knew we both knew. we had to and I had to do something I. was supposed to like be the man you know. but I couldn't be the man. yeah and I'm in the room and all I want. to do is kiss her dude not usually been. humping my pillow at night and my buddy. would come over and we would practice. I'm gonna pose one side of a whistle and. blow it on the other one if he was doing. like bad moves on the pillow yeah way to. I kind of Raby back off there you go.

corners neutral corners of the bed Oh. bleep there you go up under up under Oh. feathers feathers but it was Farnborough. and. I remember in junior high school finally. I got to Daddy groans she look just like. a boy everybody thought that she was a. boy and we would kiss I get there the. school bus would company would come from. the older school while the older kids. were and me and her would be standing. there like waiting to kiss every time we.

would always just end up hugging and. then somebody yelled out one time just. kiss each other you [ __ ] and use the. n-word I stayed right and we were both. white and we're like [ __ ] we got to do. it now you know what I'm saying like. people are getting us racially confused. they're starting to hate us so much. [Laughter]. so dude it's just crazy the power of. racism dude just overwhelming whatever.

for four years like a year and she. always wanted like base out clothes and. stuff for like all like dances and all. like dances she was too early he's fall. [ __ ] oh how are you with Tara lesbians. like I went through a tear of them I. could see that I had a period where I. was I would date a girl and then. immediately they come out gay and I blah. god damn it. is it me it's not me I think there I was. just like the first step there was the I. was the least threatening of what they.

were looking for you're like Jon Lovitz. in a league of their own just every time. he goes they just pull the lesbian out. of do not some interesting conversations. man it's interesting to think right now. in my hands I have something and it's. the world's thinnest phone case some. people say oh I got the thinnest phone. case well this place definitely has it. it is absolutely as thin as possible. it's a very sleek and luxurious it's. more level like a condom for your phone.

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sexy it is the world's thinnest case and. you can get it the minimal case go to M. in ml case calm for 15% off use the code. Theo. that's M in ml case CAS EECOM for 15%. off use the code Theo I think that the. guy Alex Jones like talking about you. know kids families that those shootings. not being real and stuff like that it's. just too much yeah I don't you know I. never really found out Jones enough to.

know what he was doing I only saw him he. was on Rogan and he got drunk and it was. just it was a funny interview yeah um. but I like there were people that really. despised him I think it's wrong to shut. I do think it's wrong to shut a guy down. like that I do I don't think it's wrong. I think that I think that the fact that. and I by the way I don't know why Alex. Jones got shut down I know he said that. the the shooting was a hoax I'm a little. shocked that anyone ever took him. seriously in the right place like I. can't believe that I part of me goes. we're all know he's like not it's a joke.

thing like you really think that right. and maybe he does I don't know but I. definitely don't take him serious like. that's the thing I wonder if at a. certain point when you don't. does he really do you really believe. that or are you just pushing something. to get up trying to view your views it's. right and so that's when it starts to. make me scale like that's when I'm like. what it what is going on here like cuz. that's not a safe thing for me I don't. think that's not a for me it doesn't. seem like a neat thing to push that's a.

sad thing like it's not a real thing is. that really helping somebody like some. of these considered conspiracy theorists. at a certain point it's just like yeah. we're probably outside of some. information but part of you is making. everything a conspiracy because you. don't want to you don't feel accepted or. something you know it's like it just. starts me make me wondering like the. psychology behind it you know some. except I had I had an uber driver. yesterday who gave me the most brilliant. conspiracies here I've never heard he. goes he goes man I know Waze is getting.

[ __ ] paid off I said what do you mean. he goes I think it's taking us the long. way. so we'll go by these businesses yeah I. don't do that and then I started. thinking yeah why would. businesses pay ways and go hey man if. you got people driving through LA have. them come down Laurel Canyon that's. where all the businesses are don't take. them back roads just have them it's. faster and like hey here's next a little. extra and and ways does have contacts. with some of the people yeah like with. something like you could be driving it. all sudden like do you like fried. chicken and you're like I do and they're.

like churches is on Laurel Canyon in. Magnolia and you're like oh [ __ ] I want. fried chicken like it's almost like. those pop-up ads that come up on. Facebook yeah but I too much conspiracy. theory I brought your dad used to eat. subway for you before you passed away. yeah I can't get too close to those cuz. here's me Xperia see there's I just. don't believe in them like I just I just. go nah I'm not that I'm not that person. right so the alex jones thing kind of. threw me off i was like let him talk but. he's been talking for [ __ ] years i've. never listened yeah I think anyone.

really I mean no offense to anyone is a. big out Jones supporter like I've heard. him on Rogen stuff I've seen Joey on his. podcast and I would probably do his. podcast or be interested I do it a harpy. but I'm never sitting and taking him. seriously ever and the fact that people. are like no we need to shut Boyce's like. this down I'm like that's crazy to me. I'm like they shut down all the prank. videos on YouTube because those are fake. instigating racism like shut down all. the breastfeeding videos on YouTube well. shut down a half aha I mean half a.

Hollywood's full of [ __ ] it's like dude. you have like I can I go back to this. all the time but it's like you know they. push so much diversity in this app but. don't you remember like what three years. ago when black people were bagging they. get a glow a Golden Globe nomination or. what was an Academy Award they well yeah. I'm gonna feel weird boycotting the. [ __ ] Academy Awards and they're like. hashtag something or other yeah and then. they were like and it's Jen look I'm off. I'm all for diversity I don't give a. [ __ ] you know I'm dying to go see crazy. rich Asians yeah but I'm not going to. see it to support diversity I'm just.

going to see cuz it looks like a good. movie right I think that's where we'll. know we're all equal like dude trust me. to say this I did not go to see Black. Panther to simply to to support black. people right I want to see Black Panther. Chris is a badass [ __ ] a movie yeah my. kids want to see it I wanted to see it. yeah and so like I think whatever that. does to [ __ ] make more [ __ ] happen. I'm cool with like whatever you have to. do to activist. to make [ __ ] happen I'm very cool with. like just I'm letting you know that. there's a lot of regular people out. there yeah a lot of regular D [ __ ] I.

watch Katt Williams special yeah oh I. love can twins I don't watch I didn't do. it to support I didn't like I don't. cognizant ly go like well I gotta make. sure to watch a little rels yeah and I. never want to be that person like who is. that person that's not even a person. like if you're doing something like I'll. do good [ __ ] like I'll watch good [ __ ]. and I think that that's what hopefully. we start to get back to is like let's. just let's [ __ ] be funny. and yeah and especially like from you. know I I get it's [ __ ] up that it's. like the only people like Holly was kind.

of cornered themselves were the only. people they can make fun of her like. poor white people you know yeah and dude. I don't I don't tune into that makes me. mad too what's the what's I don't even. know it's to calm that why people are in. a Big Bang Theory yeah I don't - I don't. watch it I don't know if someone told me. you should because you're white man I'd. be like oh excuse me who the [ __ ] do you. think you're talking to. yeah I don't you into anything based on. someone's skin color I tune into people. go it's good yeah like everyone say. black-ish is good yeah and I was like. okay let me check it out it's [ __ ].

awesome yeah it's [ __ ] awesome and I. was like dude are the mick I didn't do. that cuz I'm a FEMINIST yeah I did it. cuz the mix funny is [ __ ] on Jones what. about him. I didn't care for him cause he's black. is he black there you go Oh Arnold. Schwarzenegger a little bit anyone ever. tell you that. [Laughter]. that's Nick Davis our producer and Nick. was a premature baby thrill yeah that's. what we've surmised but look how old how.

old are you now Nick I'm 30 years old. there you go boy. so anything's possible thirty years old. but never be nine months. yeah we could keep talking forevers is. interesting man I'm talking forever man. you know you know for a fact I hope you. know for a fact there's a handful of. people in this business that have been a. fan ear since day one and yeah that guy. yeah I'm in that small group of people. like there are a lot of people I think. there's a lot of people finding you. right now a lot of people are like going.

like oh [ __ ] he's my new favorite comic. I've been there I've been there. I remember in reality by his back you. you. had me laughing consistently more than. any one person on that show you and. Donnell Rollins were my two favorite you. Thank You Manuel I mean you always been. very nice and you know you've always. said you've always said nice thing you. always made me laugh you were certainly. walking mean that was a really fun show. you know I couldn't have any better. introduction just being around comedians. I mean like just Don out there was so. much funny [ __ ] on there Donna Rollins. the very first day Kyle sees comes up.

Kyle sees has made 12 different hats for. all 12 episodes. yeah and Kyle sees as a comedian who is. he was doing well at the time who's. doing really well he now a major and he. he made hats that said week 1 week 2. week 3 week 4 week 5 and he walked up to. Donna Rollins it was it was red grant. Donna Rollins Chris Fairbanks me and. Kyle Kyle cease and he walks up on the. steps of that house in Encino and he. goes hey fellas and Donnell just shakes. his head and he goes man you're right.

you are the weak one Dan and he goes. what he goes your hat it says weak one. you are the weak one and Kyle goes huh. and and Donnell goes I hope you got a. hat it just says weak because you're. weak son and Kyle's like I think week. would be spelled differently Donnell he. goes not in my neighborhood. yeah and Donnell came from a. neighborhood then he use all the vowels. but yeah I remember that she was wild. out of the gate and then it was out of. them too to go home yeah oh dude you. made the judge the first episode they.

had you picked to send home yeah and I. remember Chris Fairbanks walked up to me. and he goes I can't go home she were. making I always say this it's a high. number it was like five hundred dollars. in episode yes which was huge money then. this was 10 years ago 12 years ago and. the more you were on the show the more. money you got like if you got kicked off. on week one you didn't get pay for all. the episodes right so you wanted to stay. on so it actually got competitive yeah. cuz people wanted to make the money and. so um and so Chris Fairbanks it was he.

thought he was gonna get sent home the. very first day and he was sitting in. line with me and he goes he goes you. know feel and I said yeah then he goes. what should I say something I don't want. to get sent home I go I don't know maybe. just go up to him and say you don't want. to get sent home he was like really I. was like sure and Chris Fairbanks what. opportunity was hey will you not send me. home and you were like uncle. okay I state the like for three or four. episodes life stayed longer than I did.

yeah and then and then you were like and. then you were like Donnell Kelsey's the. thing is we had all had our moms there. yeah Kyle's my I think McConnell's mom. might have passed away. yeah cause mom passed away or somewhere. mr. fly or mister and let's hike wait to. be the same thing either. there it goes that's it and so how the. [ __ ] do you say your last name von Kahr. natal ski that's really your last name. yeah and we got ridden get rid of it but. well first of all it means the Jews. Slayer so I can't even use it in Los.

Angeles are you shitty people thought I. was Mexican growing up in Louisiana. Devlin pole is right it pulls I'm. literally frog when my father's. Nicaragua but this is this is nowhere on. on the Internet either you can't buy it. on Amazon not iTunes it bought it. anywhere I have it at home which is. crazy yeah I've got it on a computer. somewhere. sure you do nobody believes had and just. real quick real quick a computer one of.

my computer's Oh Jeff Garcia was on a. road he left very first episode was too. good for the show he told us that and. he's still too good for everything he. told us that huh yeah yeah the. quarterback Jeff Carson it was let me. show ya two extra weeks in you if you. would guys I'm not even a comedian. before your quarterback dude two weeks. less than two weeks in two weeks more in. the womb and he what if I could add that. here but I got that question right oh. but what I'm saying is Jeff Garcia the.

quarterback spilled wine on my shirt one. time the only the first time I'd ever. been in a San Francisco at a bar and uh. and he paid me for it but yeah Kyle's. he's went home first Jeff Garcia said to. us no offense I'm bigger than you guys. yeah and I'm this is below me I'm out. and all of us were like so weak does he. count for the first one no no he left I. was like no no he's making the first. line and all of us want to be like Jeff. can you get voted out first yeah so that. we can all make another 75 everybody do.

this warden. not above you yeah by the way like look. wait cuz he didn't want his mom to come. cuz II don't want his mom to be. embarrassed actually remember that oh is. that is that part of it I don't know man. that was uncomfortable they brought our. moms there and they made us. they made us first of all seduce our. moms mmm. but you didn't have a mom yeah do did. you know that your mom there well your. dad it passed away that it passed away. but Kyle didn't have a mom and so they. brought in this hot and sour porn star. dude who I may be just a stripper maybe. just a model but yeah we we were young.

too if you even got a stepmom she was a. porn star yeah my dad's marrying a poor. oh really that lady that works at the. bank you're like oh yeah you're right. dude look at this list of people for two. seconds people that I'm not saying I'm. not calling out Jeff Garcia but people. at the time he thought he was bigger. than donnell rawlings tours everywhere. with Dave Chappelle yeah. today I know walls might be the funniest. on here too Tiffany Haddish one of the.

biggest movie stars in the world right. now yeah Amy Schumer. one of the biggest movie stars in the. world right now. red Grant tours everywhere with Katt. Williams. and by the way legit sellout act himself. he does those big tours with like steps. many some on like yes spicy and they all. go and they sell out theaters and then. Maria Turner for Chrysler Theo von both. Rockets bought at the same time and mo. mandel so Lee showed uh truTV yeah and.

just told us sort of written series to. Amazon just recently and he and I have a. pilot together a Comedy Central Chris. Fairbanks a voiceover for a beer company. in the northwest yep and just recently. got a hip replacement yeah dude that was. he he was over in my house and he was. like before it and he was doing my. podcast like this mm-hm. he's like yeah it's really rough it's. really rough and now he's like. skateboarding again yeah. which is very danger is one of the top. motivational speakers in the world. that's true that's very true actually. it's crazy man yeah and Jeff Garcia is.

not even in the league anymore he's not. he was in the league he'd retired. football oh and you retired he retired. from comedy Jeff hey Jeff Jeff actually. had a I was really he really was the. biggest of all of us at that time though. oh yeah definitely he was he. you didn't know yes that's what he was. he's a noise for Jimmy Neutron and he. was like I don't know hey I remember I. was before you realized that because we. I mean we all got naked a few times. member me who read grant got naked with. luenell on that tub yeah and luenell. still has the same yeah she had that.

crazy body type is that one one body. part. I gotta have a naked in that tub with. luenell I took my dick out in that tub. of Nutella luenell and then I saw her. and mom she hated my guts and read and. die now we're like reading on our like. you know that's just how black women. talk Burt you gotta understand she's. just walking to you he's like I hate. your guts whitey yeah she was like why. are you so loud Bert yeah why you black. oh no no and I would be like you're just. as loud as I am no when you talk no one.

want to listen I was like a lot of like. okay that's actually a really great. luenell impression I'm doing right now. that's a really that's a [ __ ]. accurate luenell impression she was in. Borodino she's the little blond-haired. girl everybody calls her thick Cisco she. likes Cisco the rapper but there and she. um is in a lot of stuff can you bring. her picture up do you mind. and then she Iran in heard the mantra me. and Steve Byrne were in montreal. montreal and i saw her at the bar. drinking before show i walked up on yo. luenell she went yep.

she goes i was good to see you too good. let's get a drink and we just sat and. drank and I was like I thought you hated. me I love you. we're the same person yes that is really. good no you know what she's a special. lady man she always uh she she'll let. you make fun of her she's really cool. and she's always like she's really cool. she's a sweet she is a sweet lady she's. crazy kill didn't Borat - dude she's. killed it in a lot of she's been a lot.

of [ __ ] and her stand-ups [ __ ] legit. she sells out everywhere I think she. does sell out everywhere all right let's. take a couple questions that came in. yeah great where you get duper Moretz I. don't see Avenue Avenue special new. special on Netflix called secret I'm. Aaron August 24th after August 24 of the. stream and every day Wow. every day boy all right here's a little. shorty right here move on podcast of. this. we can just say bring here questions for. Bert Kreischer dude you got little. teenagers now brah are you worried about.

them boyfriends coming over like. seriously has it happened already no. it's good question that girl's cute. there's one boy that my daughter has a. crush on who is he can't say his name. don't want to blow up or switch his last. name then I can't say that cuz that'll. definitely blow up his spot okay. first name only no what can't but which. is middle name if you had to guess his. middle name is I don't know probably. like one of the Lincoln and so all the.

moms are like I think Georgia has got a. crush on him George George George George. alright and I was like really in a first. I got defensive and then I thought I. like this kid like I like it if this is. her first crush if this is her first. kiss this is the right kicks he's a. little nerdy and then and then we were. all at this thing and I said to him I. was like hey we're all going back to my. house to barbecue and all the parents. gonna come back I'm gonna take the kids. back to you want to come over come swim. with us he was like like you could see.

it like that uncut he's like yeah and so. I was like come on want you and we all. rode bikes together over. we all went swimming and we got there. naeun have a bathing suit he's like a. zoo Bert and I was like yeah so I went. and got all my bit like a size 40. bathing suits get like tied at nine. times and then with swimming with us and. you could just see him uncomfortable and. I was like okay I'm cool with this kid. he's not the dick who's like you know. what's up I heard your comic you know. Chris D'Elia. yeah dude every kid I meet especially a.

[ __ ] is that but here's the funny thing. bro dude that reminded me they had this. dude in our neighborhood not a crush on. his daughter and if you'd like his. daughter this man wanted to see your. dick but not in a way where he's a. pedophile he wanted to make sure you. didn't have a big dick if you were gonna. [ __ ] his daughter how crazy is that. the times have changed man I remember. playing it was an Elvis impersonator for. real yeah so wait how did he want to. look at your dick to him far away like. eight to ten feet away he would just. drop your trunks and [ __ ] shell him I.

don't think it was I didn't feel. assaulted I felt like he was honest. about it and he's like I'm out. I spent all my daughter's got a big day. I remember there's a look at this little. thing and he's like your good man I. remember there was a guy but I had to. really put a bunch of cold water on it. first to make it look cool yo make it. look small for him dude I had to. literally hot a piece of ice between my. dick in my [ __ ] nuts to make it even. smaller I do that sometimes there's a. dad in our neighborhood who you'd play.

[ __ ] of them and if and if you lost. the letter instead of losing letter yet. to kiss him kiss him lit four small of. his back I don't remember I want to say. on the cheek but maybe sometimes on the. lips that's even get that's key is that. gay or just [ __ ] up I don't know you. definitely did not want to miss shots it.

really made competition [ __ ] intense. bro his team shots 70% from three I. remember he'd make a shot never be like. [ __ ] get the chapstick out yeah that's a. great one man that's a great callin. thank you you know cruising beautiful -. yeah pretty girls out there on the. internet anymore yeah. hey what's up guys this is derek rims. from kansas city. so bert still the partier what has been. your lowest of lows when you party other.

than the time that you threw up IPAs all. over yourself in the shower all right. thanks guys. this guy knows me yeah well I got a. handful of those I got a handful give us. one uh good one I'll give you three. granny. Doug Stan opes house Oh on the rape. trail which is house light it's a. compound it's like five different houses. other guns out there no no gun I mean I. know none that none out there that I saw. and did you have SWAT or anything like.

there's just him and bingo no it's him. bingo chaley it's everyone that's. everyone though it's like and then they. have friends they've people that are in. passing through town and we party like. for three days straight like straight. like I don't think I barely went to bed. and I woke up the day I had to go home. Monday morning but I woke up like Sunday. night. like four in the morning and we're not. leaving until 8:00 and I spent four. hours in that trailer just being like. man you got to clean your [ __ ] life. up you are not I'm like like almost. shaky like just sweating but not.

sweating and it's not hot and just. uncomfortable and then got up and was. walking around outside and your eyes. weren't working right yet and that's one. I've had a couple of those in like in. like I one of those in Fiji I had one of. those back in the States after coming. back from Vietnam where you just it's. like flying way too much and stay enough. weight as much and you're going on like. this. firing hot energy but then I think the. worst ones I've ever had were coming off. a coke anything i-i'll tell you this I. feel free to try coke but I will tell.

you man the next day off a coke for me. is so unbearable I would never even toy. with the drug because I am shaky my. heart's racing it's skipping beats I am. having panic attacks I hear things were. super sensitive and I'm thinking why did. you do this for what so you could play. darts better yeah that's it so yeah. anytime New York I remember a time in. New York that after I got that I did. coke with a bunch of models over at. Jordan Rubens house Wow. and then I remember one time after Mardi.

Gras coming back from Mardi Gras and the. drive back from Mardi Gras we have. brought an 8-ball home with us and but. you know you start panicking you're. driving through the south and the 90s. you if you found if you found a coat. back down you went to jail you went to. jail now I make it yeah you could get. killed back into that found coat yeah oh. yeah [ __ ] cut your head off and do. the coke right off your back right there. on the side of the road dude thank God. thank God that drugs out of my life they. used to sometimes they paint people. black and then [ __ ] kill him how. crazy is that. pretty crazy that's [ __ ] up man it's.

an old Southern trade. what's the gold huh was it gold I'm not. sure black and uh I'm not sure what it. is I'm thinking has a name it's a legal. though I can't believe I even remembered. it we should kind of say it think about. that. it's called Yankee flip-flop I don't. know but it's definitely it's highly. illegal and it's wrong dude and it's. cultural appropriation about white. people too. yeah this is kind of [ __ ] up isn't it. yeah by definition what else we got hey.

Theo von. this is a question for Burt Chrysler my. question is when he takes his shirt off. on stage that his signature trademark. like Ronnie Dangerfield I have no. respect because when I see him at the. Comedy Store on the regular it seems. like as soon as that shirt comes off the. energy level in the crowd his energy. level goes from like zero to 100 is.

accurate do you think it does something. it's like a um it's so funny we were. talking about running run running danger. yet Rodney King he called him the caller. called him Ronnie Dangerfield's those nè. Dangerfield he also called number. Chrysler yeah this dude obviously. doesn't use all the vowels uh yeah with. the second I take my shirt off I started. taking my shirt off because I was I get. on the road and I just get depressed. yeah but if I took my shirt off it made. me giggle I just thought it was. ridiculous he's at 100% yeah so I took.

my shirt off then one night I left it. off and I was like I'll [ __ ] it and then. I haven't started doing it all the time. he's take it off and leave it and it was. like it was like just funny and people. are like I remember people in the front. row bein like I can't believe your. shirts still off and I'd be like yeah I. know right. and then at the store sometimes I swear. to God if I won't I usually don't take. my shirt off in the o.r I won't take my. shirt off in the belly room but in the. main room if it's a big show and it's. sold out I do feel like there are people. that travel from around the world to. come to the store to see their favorite. comics and if I happen to be one of the.

ones they wanted to see they definitely. want to see me with my shirt off and I. want them to have that experience yeah. it's like if you see Joe you see Joey. Diaz you want to hear him come out and. go like what's up [ __ ] yeah you. want to see a murder in the main room. right. then the ORF he's gonna [ __ ] around and. work on [ __ ] that's what the ORS for but. in the main room you want to see him. bring Thunder yeah and so yeah I wanna. take my shirt off. I definitely Rogan said to me last week. he was like man this hanging that shirt. comes off they lose their [ __ ] minds. yeah I was like I know it is crazy but I. think that energy that [ __ ] roar when. I. rip my shirt off definitely raises my.

energy to write and I think I makes me. have more fun on stage do you feel like. it is but so because I like these days. I'll come out and like you know people. are pretty excited and stuff like that. and I'm like [ __ ] I don't know if I can. sustain this level of energy at the. beginning of the show take your shirt. off this is not gonna take my shirt off. I'm there and then ice and I feel caught. feel really I think it's because I. worked that way on the road so I feel. more comfortable and I'm like and I. don't feel like I'm in LA like I don't. feel like I have to be drama not in this. suit and so I just I've had some really.

fun sets as of late at the store and but. they've all been shirtless even the ones. up in the belly room it's you shirt on. this fine if they're still funny [ __ ] do. you do you sense a special were you up. will you Yury robe you know no I don't. think so. I don't see it happening what I what I'm. gonna do is I'm gonna get ripped I'm. gonna get [ __ ] ripped are you really. yeah no way good I don't think I can but.

I'm gonna see how hooker lost weight a. night and I didn't like it I'm not gonna. lose weight to that point but I would. like to get just in shape enough where. where I wouldn't mind getting in shape. enough where people like all right time. to put a shirt on yeah I wouldn't mind. being there oh yeah but like I don't. know I don't know oh well maybe I'll. just never wear a shirt again would you. ever go completely nude one day you. think I've been asked to do that they. have a show like that I've been asked to. do that I thought about it in the sense. of just it would be so freeing to feel. completely exposed and then to see what.

happens like when your brain knows that. you're not you know that there's nothing. else to hide kind of in a weird way I. like being naked I probably I probably. would enjoy that yeah anymore Nick that. came in and we're good let's do one more. and then I think we got to get him out. of here you got it. thanks so much for coming in today Bert. thank you and I appreciate ya supercool. is great I saw Michael Rosenbaum on here. oh yeah great owner he's a neat guy he's. a really great guy he's a really good.

just had him on something's burnin what. am I gonna get you on something's burnin. I don't know that's a good question yes. seobeom what dude what's crack-a-lackin'. oh this is Brandon hopper from Wichita. Kansas bhop so I have a question for. Burt how was his experience on the hot. ones watch that too and uh yeah.

McCracken ah that was a that I had been. a fan of that show for a long time yeah. I've Ben Whishaw no Evans will tell you. this I've been one of the first people. to find it and start sharing it with. everyone I loved it I loved that show. and that's cuz I'm in hip hop and hip. hop is all they had on there and I was. like oh shut the [ __ ] up Redman and so I. had known so much about it that going. into it I was it was almost a tabbed. anti-climactic so I was like like I was. just I was analyzing things too much but.

Shonda such a great [ __ ] interview. like legit one of the his first question. was one of the best questions I've ever. been asked in my entire life and I was. like oh my god this is [ __ ] amazing. and I really felt like in those ten. questions he eats while you eat wings he. got some of the best answers I've ever. given anyone out of anyone mmm like and. he and I said [ __ ] up [ __ ] and he took. it out like he kept it out cuz I got at. one point when you eat that they do get. hotter when you get to the the bomb-ass.

Kohli test or whatever the last the bomb. is just unbearable yeah and he's like. have you I think his question was have. you ever said anything you regretted on. podcasts and I said everything I'd ever. regretted because I couldn't think and I. as I'm saying and I'm like I'm. regretting this now I'm regretting it. again and he edited almost all over the. mountain Wow. yeah but that was a great that was a. really great experience and do right. after that I texted everyone like. everyone's gotta get on hot ones this.

shows gonna blow up and I think everyone. was like you know what the internet it's. not the internet I want a TV show and. then I remember Tommy hit me up he's. like you know how can you get me on hot. ones my right when he did his last. special and I hit up Sean I was like. Sean this is Tom Tom because I knew. she'd go on yeah he did he did hot ones. and then the last question no and Tom's. was it was Bert if you could ask Tom any. question what would it be and my. question was how did he have any does he. make friends because he's so good at.

making friends he's just so good and. then I wrote him and then Shawn said ask. him tell him why you're his friend and I. wrote this really heartfelt message to. Tom and Tom of course such a dick was. like yeah I still [ __ ] think he's in. there I know what I don't forget what he. said but he was still a slam on me but. yeah that shows amazing if you ever get. a chance man [ __ ] that shows so great. that in the new Jesus Miro is gonna be a. hot show to get on when they go to. Showtime holy [ __ ] man. those guys are that's well that's a fun. [ __ ] show I gotta watch that show and.

something's burnin all things calm but. you gotta come check it out oh yeah I. want to get in and burn something yeah. come on dude I wouldn't mind making like. um do y'all do desserts and stuff is it. just like entrees we can do desserts we. could just do straight up desserts. because I don't like entrees as much as. I like desserts entrees yeah I think. entrees when you walk in the door you. talk about entrees. yeah dude entrees we're [ __ ] like. dessert some more bro right now I think. when I get a little older I could get. back to entrees again entrees yeah.

ladies and gentlemen Theo von entree. ladies and gentlemen uh Bert Christ you. can see his new special secret time on. Netflix on Netflix starting September 28. September 24th September no no August. 24th or 24th August 24th which is super. soon and then any time immediately after. that it'll be on right now so you can go. there right after this and check it out. Bert so much just thank you so much for. being around bro thank you brother you. know I love you Ben oh thank you man do. this do it again soon awesome all right.

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