Bert Kreischer 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #268

today's episode is brought to you by. gray block pizza gray block pizza is a. specialty pizza shop and it's a shop. where you can get that pie boy so what. I'm saying to you is go get it if you. think you can get some than you can. great block pizza 18:11 Pico Boulevard. on the way to the beach in Los Angeles. great block get that hitter today's. guest is the host of the Bert cast and. has a new comedy special on Netflix. which you should check out right now. called hey big boy it's the big boy.

himself mr. Bert Kreischer. [Music]. [Music]. did he really.

I seen him swimming well I've seen the. way he swims I'm not surprised he. stroked his way into something he. doesn't he swims well but not like I. would swim you'd think those basketball. players would be Olympic swimmers yeah. well you could really first of all. getting in the pool you're a third of. the way there. dude I had a joke tell me when you're. rolling okay perfect. I had a joke in my last special secret. I'm not this special hey big boy which. is streaming right in anything right now. right now yeah I in my last missile this. is a true story Ralph Sampson you.

remember our Sampson basketball players. out of cocaine no that's it Len Bias Len. Bias. Oh r.i.p man he died brah um yep Ralph. Sampson there's a true story by the end. of my Netflix special so no one watched. it ins but uh he he he won't he gave a. speech to us when we were Villanova wait. for like basketball camp and the two.

takeaways was number one. he works hard number two he can't swim. that was enough like you never learned. how to sport card can swim it's his new. special yeah I can swim he said the. whole time his sister's are another swim. he just practice dribbling a basketball. huh never learned how to swim and my. whole thing I'm sitting and wat. listening to this speech and I go who. the [ __ ] needs to learn how to swim. you're seven feet tall anyone in the. pool you're still halfway and by the way. they will make these basketball players. would make such great swimmers Manute. Bol oh that [ __ ] stroke he'd be.

scraping his knuckles on the bottom of. the pool just he could grab on to the. pool just drag himself across. oh he's built like Slenderman dude here. look I have seen Slenderman middle world. is very much built like my [ __ ] phone. off. I love turning my phone off these days. oh it's so nice I was just in Maui man. my phone was off a lot Maui. yeah I love Maui dude how nice is it oh. by the way all this happening is searing. is going you love Maui. yeah dude the phones won't even go off. if you set your phone and say hey Siri.

turn my phone off I don't do I don't. know how to turn a phone iPhone off yeah. I've never I'll never turn off you just. hold this button right you have to hold. both buttons of the top but oh that. screen grab button - the whole time we. have to hold it for like three seconds. oh there you go I've never turned my. phone off it says a lot about my. personality yeah yeah all this chronic. virus going on my end my phone was like. you've actually spent 60% less time on. your phone oh yeah pretty cool it's cuz. of the special and I didn't like all. press was taken away oh yeah zero press.

but but now were you exciting because. people are at home they need something. to watch I was excited cuz might you. know it's true but like my parents and. all my parents friends were at home but. they're not home like in a fun way like. they're in a home like in a scared way. and so for me I'd much I would much. rather have done the done the precise. setup done the promotion I had set up. all the marketing I had side dude I had. such a [ __ ] great plan I was gonna do. the call stick to work short text you. about that right call in sick to work.

show yesterday same Mattie's day doors. open at 10:00 show starts 11:00 me bill. burr Jim Jeffries Sebastian Maniscalco. you D'Elia Tom Segura the list goes on. jo koy everyone right didn't release the. names on the tickets let's just send it. out to my fans on my phone number three. two three two oh eight oh eight four. four send it out to them said get. tickets sold out immediately do a live. podcast in the o.r tiger belly oh my god. who wouldn't see that live me and bill. Burt live in the or we had all this [ __ ].

plan and then they call huge they called. it and and by the way you want and now. this is the inside baseball part that's. where my brain works and Davis Pedro. McDonald coming by stop by for the. caustics torso on table it was. touch-and-go but yeah my plan was this. is where my brain works you thrown this. call in sick to work show you split all. the money with the comics you don't need. the money right right tip all the money. out all the comics and then all you ask. for all your friends is you give me a. shout-out on your social media and then. you get in front of like 70 million. people on Instagram [ __ ] 20 million.

people 100 million people on Twitter. that'll go hey check out my boy Bert. Kreischer he's got a special streaming. that's my marketing coronavirus I did. not [ __ ] in let me hook you do you feel. do you feel like slighted do you feel so. do you feel taken advantage of No. cool do you feel like coronavirus is are. you really a hundred percent sold on it. yeah it's here's what they just came out. today and they said like blood type o.

doesn't get it like you just you don't. you may get it you may be a carrier but. you don't feel it that's my the way news. is always changing I'm not a [ __ ]. doctor right but um but yeah I mean who. said it dr. Gupta that guy always trips. me out I want to see the horse side of. Sanjay did you know he was one of the. five doctors one hey man can you get me. on a TV show but he always seems cool. and collected like you know he's such a. thought bro he's such a [ __ ] I know. he's such a thought he was hip Indian.

Way before hip Indians yeah I do Sanjay. Gupta is probably the first famous. Indian guy oh how easy is it to be a hip. Indian though it's like the if it seemed. like the easiest thing to do no it's. gotta be hard because your parents don't. want you to be happy. oh now there you go okay so like Russell. Peters hip Indian yeah. am ia yeah this guy named shot chunk. that I know this guy that used to go to. UCLA dude is here bro. it was like four pairs of sunglasses man. he's like an hip pulls out his wiener.

sunglasses on it yeah the thing about. Indians you don't know stereotype that. they don't get out they're big dicks. know really big dicks Russell Peters. told me bro everybody's starting to get. on this big dick trainer used to be that. was a way to oppress minorities is to.

say they did it with the Jews first the. I don't know if there's 100% true yeah. don't worry dude this whole podcast has. gone that direction already jinns said. it about the Jews they have big dicks I. don't have you seen hardship here's dick. it's [ __ ] massive ah he's doing a big. [ __ ] really really but also he looks. like he would have a dick that doesn't. look right. it doesn't yeah it does it in his balls. of weirdness yeah so yeah if I'm Ari.

Shaffir. you think his dicks longer it looks like. he's trying to get off of his body. because that's totally different things. know he's got dick that goes right off. the body like his dick is right off the. body right my dicks got body around it. like pushing it back yeah so like oh. okay wow that's interesting yeah like. Nixon was being held back by the sides. of it it's got its got pubis going like. crowding it like like it's his boys. going like oh come on man get him get. him and hair and everything like come on. man get back in here no no no no my my.

body looks like it's stopping my dick. from a [ __ ] no no holding back man. holding back that [ __ ] joke god damn. it good man use it next time you do my. dick definitely has a little you have a. big dick I've already heard really yeah. who told you that our mutual friends Tom.

and Bill oh my god look at our he's dick. right there that is that's not fluffing. like that's unprepared that's just. straight Street dick. he has such a Holocaust body doesn't he. kind of like that was the Jack Holocaust. cuz that wasn't all was he really oh I'm. sorry then just for vacation Oh Artie. sorry I already drugged me I said I. don't blame Ari I blame Hitler for the.

drugging yeah because Hitler did that. [ __ ] to his dad and you know his dad. probably won The Greatest Dad and then. he turned into Ari right so ultimately. it all falls on Hitler's shoulders it. all goes back man that's the thing you. have to stop the cycle yeah you got to. stop the cycle of hate you got to stop. the cycle of trouble it's always a cycle. you know someone always learned it from. somebody else. Oh learn the dirty behaviors you know. the M word first time I ever heard the M. word I was at I was in I was in first. grade and these black kids came into our.

neighborhood we living in like a poor. white neighborhood and there was a poor. black neighborhood and like across. across across Nebraska Nebraska I forget. well dude that's pretty far then if. you're noticing no no no that was a. street name not the oh right hombre yeah. and so let's do. did not live by black stayed away so. then like what the Braska and we're. Florida and it was scary man it was. touch-and-go at times I'm weird stories.

oh yeah the rumor mill I saw a note in a. bottle one time in the river a man oh. the N words you just said it so so these. these black kids lived across this this. Main Street from us and then they came. into our neighborhood I guess and stole.

my football my football had a Duke jr. with a shoelace a tan shoelace as the. string sweeps playing the street mm-hmm. and so the string for the shoelace. bricked my dad replaced it with a with a. with a tan shoelace. it was very distinguishable and a little. part we couldn't tie it so there was a. little like part of the ceiling and hang. out yeah so they came into our. neighborhood and they asked if they. wanted to play this a football and they. had my football hmm and these two. brothers Darrell and Darren like yo they. must I mean I when I remember this story. I'm never feel like they're 18 17.

they're probably just like 10 of 11 yeah. and I was six. yeah and they were like yo this is. football and they're like no this is his. football this little other little black. kid and they're like fight him for it. and I was like I have the first grade I. was not fighting anyone I was wearing a. loincloth in knee-high moccasins oh yeah. and so Danny's fighting your sexuality. brother Pat it would be sucking dick so. uh so yeah me pants to do it what a.

[ __ ] support the Union was on me back. like a madman. a backup gay dude that's you mind if I. pull my socks oh my god.

bullocks up I want to skin my knees when. I suck your dick do you mind if I pull. my pants down oh [ __ ] what if I take my. shirt off and just hey is it cool if I. take my shoes off and put my knees in my. a little guy actually if you know some.

dude that's not a bad like I would go. through all of those things before you. you gotta like you gotta have some ways. to get out of it you know I've gone down. on my wife on the side of the bed with. my knees on the on the wood floors now. that's a grab a pillow put them on your. knees yeah the but anyway so these black.

kids come in the neighborhood and they. they're like fight this kid and I was. like I've never been in a fistfight I. want to be in a fistfight and then. Darrell and Darren looked at me like. like oh we gonna have to do this for you. and I was oh my head I was like give him. the [ __ ] ball I don't care my daddy. bought me a new one like out like and. then they got no fight big into a fight. Darrell fights one of the dudes or. Darren one of the one of the younger one. fights a black dude and they're all it's. like it's like five black kids and then. seven white kids or eight white cos the. more white kids who's our neighborhood.

and the dad comes out and the dad starts. chanting funny fight and we're in a. white white don't win we all jump in and. I am and then he's hitting me it's your. ball [ __ ]. Janet Janet and Here I am just some. first grader in a loincloth and. knee-high moccasins just fight fight and. then I said then I said the word in. front of my dad and it was [ __ ] over. really Oh dad fought him no no no my dad. took me down to their [ __ ] house walk. me down stood in the [ __ ] thing I.

said don't ever talk to my son don't. ever I told my dad I've been in half and. they stole my ball is what he asked me. to say so. talk to my son and we moved out of that. neighborhood month later month later we. were out of that [ __ ] neighborhood. because people were using the n-word oh. that was that was the least of it we let. it come on fire I mean it was yeah look. this kid on fire John and he had you. know thing at table like a margarine. bowl with gasoline mm-hmm and there's. this abandoned house that these that. these people left him there always is. why do people leave it in abandoned. house by children do they were the. funnest especially do you ever break.

into abandon house there was a there was. a asian couple that my friend my. friend's parents were watching their. house there like a dog or a cat or. whatever yeah he was like you want to go. in and see their house man this is like. night this has gotta be 1977 t97 a UH. like no one knew no one I mean not no. one but I'm saying like no one it. floored a new Asians then yeah and we. went in early things were like things. were like turquoise walls like turquoise. blue with big buddha statues and like. everything was just different smelled.

different rewards like a style number. like a samurai on the big feathers. coming out of vases yeah and you were. like whoa people talking to you from. behind fans yeah they had dog they had a. dog right so then so then this kid one. day goes same house he goes yo he wanna. go swimming throw outside a pool I was. like yeah we were first grade my mom had. a station wagon she drops him off first. comes out drops me off and he goes meet. me back at my house with a with your. swimsuit I'll go back I'll get us our. backyard. they had a Doberman Pinscher oh yeah.

they don't have that many of those. anymore no one's sure you know what it. is I talked about my special but it's a. purebred purebred czar they're all. [ __ ] dying out oh yeah they got like. a doe bore doodle or something like that. they had to mix them because the pure. breads were getting all these [ __ ]. problems in their body because they were. breeding for like over breeding it's you. know same thing as Hitler Hitler won the. war blonde chicks been walking around. with hip dysplasia. really yeah especially like that jump. nice I have just please yeah in your. hips yeah Brody's like a dragon Shepard.

Brody Stephens had dysplasia really do. we do you walk odd yeah kind of a little. bit if I have to walk for a long time I. could have to walk for a couple of miles. it gets bad really yeah just like I kind. of get that shake you know I think it's. cute but it's cute it hurts a little but. yeah but yeah but but um anyway enough. about me. but yeah the n-word man it'll fly out of. you you know that's why I long time ago. I used to joke where I said I don't say. the n-word because I care about people I. don't say it because if you get if your.

tongue gets used to it if you say it a. bunch behind doors or whatever and if. you feel comfortable saying it one night. you'll get drunk in your tongue it'll. slip out of your mouth and you'll be in. the wrong [ __ ] place my dog I don't. say it first. that's my rule dude you know somebody. else has to say go as long as you go. alright we're good we're good. you can't ever be the person to say it. first that's that's crazy man but I.

think like a lot of stuff where you. can't you like like yeah you can't use. the word right like I get it yeah but I. think also like um I think some [ __ ]. am I was gonna say man yeah you just. don't use the word anymore I think the. only place that still really uses it is. mostly music these days I don't hear. what people say it anymore I don't hear. anyone say I've never I'm not heard. white people say it growing up in the.

South I mean all of us that grew up in. the south heard it yeah and and her. white people use it out of McDonald's or. some [ __ ] and there was no cameras. around so no one got outraised. but yeah the only place you really hear. its music I'm in my bus drivers black so. I hear it all the [ __ ] time oh yeah. yep but it's like I told the girls one. time the girls were in the car and there. they go daddy went every joke and I was. like yeah so tell me the joke like that. dot and then the punchline they're like. he's a [ __ ] and I was like hey guys. you can't say that word and they're like. why I go cuz it's like a bad word and.

they're like no it's not I don't know it. is and like I was just describing a. person I go I understand that but you. can't say it cuz if you say that word. and someone's you know a little person. they hear it it might hurt their. feelings and my daughter's look to me. and they like they're not in the car dad. it's just us. I was like yeah you'd think it would. work that way and then Brad Williams. came to my house and I was like I broke. oh bring the girls in the man cave I go. hey won't you tell Brad that joke and. they lit up like wow calling you yeah. but you know like put him on the spot. yeah dude I remember they had armor.

fishing with the black buddy of mine. named Evan and he went to jail actually. for murder or alleged murder really but. um we were fishing in some kids were up. on the like on this railroad track like. up up up this up this embankment from. this river and they started throwing. rocks and called us the n-word right and. I'm like not me you're gonna back to the. back of the boat I think they're talking. to you Desmond yeah.

you're aiming horrible but I remember. that was scary man I mean yeah you. definitely had some people that like I. mean I think racism is just kind of like. I mean it's just definitely like how. crazy would be of coronavirus a black. hawk who can get coronavirus someone. said that they can't but they need Reese. Alba got it I know somebody said gay man. can't get it there's a lot of. information can't get it that's what I. heard but then I think Siegfried or Roy. got it can you see that magician gets.

corona alleged magician I wouldn't they. just go tada I don't have any more. they're dead man if they get corona. they're dead yeah magician gets corona. see any guy was aging magician yeah his. thing is the aging magician he's my leg. hurt so bad oh [ __ ] a dub came out of it. [Laughter].

he just stands there on stage and he's. like I'm aging yeah we can all do that. when I was growing up you knew not say. the n-word if somebody beats her ass. that's how you knew you know what I'm. saying like that was the litmus it was. like you that's how you learned about it. it was like Oh somebody said it somebody. got their ass beat and then that was it. it's so funny man I never heard it like. I'm not heard it when I was when we. lived in that neighborhood and then I. never heard it in our new neighbor had. never heard it and then I never I never.

heard it and I heard it a little bit in. high school but but it was we had a. black friend Corey Brown and all the. kids that grew up with him would drop. the word but as a like not not. derogatory just I was like a joke if if. it was the pot like ana-lucia. it was the punchline of a joke meaning. towards car Eeyore but very. light-hearted they were like guys that. he grew up his whole life and then I. heard a lot in college I heard it. [ __ ] well I went to Florida State and. we were segregated it was like FAMU in.

Florida State so I heard it a lot. College Sammy was more black college a. hundred percent yeah and I used to drive. the black chicks they'd call they always. lived in one dorm it's so funny I ran. into this woman the other day who went. black took my age mm-hmm. I went Florida State and I said hey did. you ever take safe escort that's what I. was I Drive him around campus and like a. k-card remember a cake our Papa cake our. can you it was like the [ __ ] the. biggest beater you could ever have yeah. I think it's called a cake or a cute car. it's like old yeah yeah oh yeah Renault.

that's uh that's a Renault isn't it okay. that was a that was what it was white. and so and then they would what would. happen is you knew if the black chicks. called. on a Saturday night cuz you it was just. taking people to the libraries where you. supposed to go okay but if the black. chicks call on a Saturday night you knew. they wanted to go to family you from. Florida State okay and we weren't. allowed to drive to FAMU but once they. got in the car you had to take them. wherever they went so what would happen. was they go they go we about pick up a. Debbie Nihal one based one lemon I have. a pickup at Debbie Hall her name's.

Laquisha and you go okay you be like is. it how many is passengers like just one. that's what they say and so you'd pull. up and then she'd like wave to you and. you go hey and as she waved they pile on. the other side of the car then they go. we're going to fam you [ __ ]. I loved it though because I because I. love hip-hop yeah I was just talking. about with him the entire time every I. learned about wu-tang clan that way I. bought the Method Man album through them. I learned about a swab house yeah MJG. and 8-ball.

it was like ham it was like the funnest. for me because I loved hip-hop oh yeah. so we would just I would be like what. are you guys listening to and I was. driving him for like [ __ ] 20 minutes. so we're listening to what there was no. player and there was no player in there. sometimes they'd have and we all wearing. seatbelts and everything Oh there'll be. so many people I was back seat belts. were like he won't even dive back in did. I see my kids put on seat belts I'm like. what are you guys putting I mean knee. pads were blood. what do you got to put your shoes in. your knees in your Asics where you blow.

a guy kicked out your insert yeah yeah. time we're just I don't know if yeah I. don't know man I guess they had like I. didn't I don't know if I felt like I saw. a lot of racism I never hung out in like. a redneck type of area like I felt like. there was more there was also a lot of. racism but from black to white to like. black kids weren't like hey like us you. know there was a lot of like anger it's. it's funny you always have anger from. like previous generations like oh it's.

always like the shit's always so. misdirected you know I feel like it's. like I told a story about one of my. specials about my first throwin I'm. probably dumb about either one of the. first fight like full-blown nah I say. fights like in high school there were. fights where was a big fight and you. stood on the outside and waited to. sucker punch someone and then there are. fights where you got sucker-punched or. hit with something I got punched one. time yep dude I got hit with a [ __ ]. somebody hit me with a bunch of. encyclopedias literally one a B C dude.

and but I got to either I [ __ ] gave. up you're like I get it man come from. you meters are barks bees caterpillar. I'm done man. the the first fight I was in where it. was like squared up one-on-one bro that. is a there was the guy his name's. Donovan Donovan white guy black dude. straight state wrestling champ.

you know cow head you know cow head my. cows right my cow have found him he. still lives in Tampa Wow my father found. him on MySpace is how long ago that was. found him and found his daughter and. said we'd love to have you come in. studio will corroborate this story and. he was like how much and cowards like. nothing I'd rather just hear the good. story so I haven't heard from this guy. he had an IROC right hit with the string. shirts he would shake his [ __ ] eye. Rock like to warm up for a fight just. shake it back out of sexy big wheels on. the back so he gets in a fight with this.

guy these guys names Mario I think I'm. not sure I can't remember yeah yeah yeah. he gets in a fight with this guy Mario. and there's a bunch of black dudes. around and. I run in to see that I want to watch the. fight right and I peeked my head in and. the second I peeked my head in Mario's. unconscious he knocked him out clean oh. and he's holding his hair and as soon as. I put my head in they go. here's another one get him Donovan and. they pushed me in and now it looks like. I'm on his team. it sucks we're wearing the way the worst. about people outside of a fight all they. want is more fighting get him he wants.

get him and bro squaring up to a dude. and I'd never squared up I had never. liked I was just trying to apologize and. then I realized oh he was gonna beat me. up he's glaring up the worst it's ever. done it which foot do you put first I. left left I said like I was like I've. had just square up twice against one. dude dude is in my life this other dude. I screwed up against I know I screwed up. do you remember the story when we were. doing reality bites back when we were.

doing this oh you think you can dive. episode okay I drove us all down there. do you remember that yes I drove all. down and the practice day the practice. day that we had and for those who don't. know it was a show on Comedy Central. that was it was a great great show to be. on it was a lot of fun it's a big payday. it was cool not it wasn't big pay to a. big payday for baby for you though yeah. be crazy for they [ __ ] up it was it. was I'm gonna say this number is the. wrong number but it was in my memory it.

was like $8,000 in episode yeah and but. and so all of us looked at it more like. it's a 10 that order episode officer. like we got an 80 [ __ ] grand then the. winner gets like quarter of a million. dollars whatever or a hundred thousand. dollars yeah and then we got through the. first day and realized if you get kicked. off you don't get a grant yeah and it. came they came Cutlass the only episodes. you were on you got eight grand for each. episode you were on I remember the. episode somebody got kicked off me you. I've told this story every time so right. grant a week ago really in Baltimore. yeah. he I think I saw the picture he came out.

to my show yeah really cool it's great. to see him oh hung out with him in. Dunellen episode of something's burning. with them and we end up smoking weed. just [ __ ] that's awesome um the. first day the very first day were. sitting at that mansion outside of in. Encino it's me you read grant donnell. rawlings on the step mm-hmm if I'm not. mistaken and Kyle cease came up and he. had the Hat that said. week one he had a hat made out for every. week week 1 week 2 week 3 week 4 and. he's with Chris Fairbanks yeah and he.

goes and Donnell goes yes son that's. right you are the week 1 and we all. start laughing and Kyle goes I I think I. think it's spelled everything there's no. no son you should have had that just. says week and then Kyle goes Donnell I. think it's I think it's spelled. differently and he goes not in my. neighborhood. and then Kyle walks away I go Chris and. he just goes he goes I think I'm next. and just walked away was so funny me you. me you read grant got naked in the.

bathtub with luenell oh yeah yeah yeah. like I got full-blown naked yeah he. always did I got full of Megan I got. full-blown naked dick against the glass. and the president Lauren creo is in at. that shooting president Comedy Central. and it's what happened is me you and me. you and reg get a passage to the next. round and they go your reward is you get. to shower and bathe with Linnell. and so we're like oh [ __ ] it we don't. care yeah so we go in she's small I. think they gave him a small body I think.

they give us cocktails we were drinking. before that yeah yeah and she got us in. there yep Oh picture of luenell I ran in. her by the way I thought she hated me I. ran into her in Montreal mm-hmm just got. [ __ ] wasted with her and had a blast. oh yeah she's fun everybody loves her. and we got in the bathtub and luenell. goes I'm taking off my drawers or. whatever oh yeah pulls her bathing suit. bottoms office oh no I'm out and I was. like [ __ ] I'm in so I take mine off. ready takes his off you take yours off. and then she stands up and she still got. him on getting to Paris praise God man.

those are the good old days look I don't. think about how long ago that was it. sure was fun one year was that go back. to that information if you don't mind. Nick 1994. derived from 1994 uh 2008 Wow I got a. special right after that 2008 2008 Wow. someone wait whoa keep up who got voted. off when someone sent me a sip drive.

that has all the episodes too I have it. on a drive someplace if either of you. want that I would. love to see that musically I was when. like look people I think a lot of people. in this business take ownership of when. they find when they feel like they. discover someone they know like like. there's a lot of agents that do that I. would say without a doubt without a. doubt me and Amy Schumer became the. biggest deal of all fans in the [ __ ]. world like I remember me and Amy looking. at each other and being like you were so.

funny and it was effortless you weren't. even trying to be funny you were just so. [ __ ] funny I swear to God I pay. $100,000 to have all the footage raw. footage I got my own show of the. outtakes. there were times where you'd leave. Michael Ian Black just like huh and we. were not crying laughing he was like a. white supremacist I felt like it laid. rest. I remember we go we were all talking and. he we go so what do you hope the show. get to you what I hope to show it to you. all you have to get special I love you.

get 30 minutes I love to get on premium. bland and me like what about you Michael. and he goes a new basement and we're. like what he goes that's the only reason. I'm doing this show I need a new. basement and we were like cool yeah he. always had this white supremacist body. he just looked too white I broke white. down a little you know really bring him. a picture of him just look he does have. a vibe of like like like the bad guy in. a Harry Potter movie Michael Ian Black.

yeah he did he yeah he texted me last. night. he was so funny yeah I'll see if I can. see the text he's literally just texted. me last hour my [ __ ] phone oh there. he is right there he definitely looks. like he would be given a speech about. hey you know no prob sorry I have here. sorry white women vote looks like he. doesn't blink his eyes at night water. okay what's that one Michael Ian Black. defends louis c.k oh that's kind of cool.

well MIB is a cool dude man I love him. dude he's one of a kind for he really is. man it was by the way he's always been. sweet like ever since we met him he's a. ballbuster kind of like that's his angle. of comedy but he's always been very. sweet guy I remember we connected. because. both our wives are older than us and I. yield yeah yeah and his wife's older. than him and my wife's I mean me MIB are. the same age and and did you ever see. his TV show the state yeah I want to dip.

my balls in acid. how great was that it was the greatest. [ __ ] show I feel like I feel like. what I'm hearing is you don't like the. tacos no I love the tacos in fact that. the best tacos I've ever had dude that. that show was so [ __ ] great did you. ever see a thousand pounds of pudding oh. yeah oh dude I could watch that show. that was one of my favorite shows that. was the first time I really got comedy.

Wow put type in no put I've been putting. the state yeah yeah yeah yeah there you. go. that was I think it was $240 worth I'm. sorry I said a thousand every time I. [Applause]. [Music].

they were like what it dollars can buy. we had the 240. maybe we could've bought $100 with the. puddin and that would have been a lot of. progress whether we had to go all the.

way there always with 240 dollars with. the pudding now I know what you're. thinking marrying the bomb. where did you get 240 dollars don't. worry your pretty little head about a. baby in your concerns now if you excuse. me I got a whisper some sweet nuts just. put I'll just be over here minding my. own they were children. this is like the silliness [ __ ] yes.

we're in college we were college we used. to go to parties ago yeah we did I can't. I can't. does anyone have some orange juice I've. got some orange juice. I want to dip my balls in that guy. Camerino ya ever run into you ever run. into people like you were fans of as a. kid that are fans of yours oh I run it.

in this lady from in the heat of the. night can you bring up a picture of that. show actually she played out Thea Tibbs. you ever seen in the heat of the night. is that with the guy from Archie Bunker. yep Carroll O'Connor yes Barry right. here my apartment Althea Tibbs right. there oh I know few tips wait out the. attempts been a lot of [ __ ] yeah wait. what did you mean Althea uh him get to. her wiki maybe yeah that's her a Marie.

Johnson. it's live in Los Angeles yeah I met her. she's seeing a man she's seeing a man. but when I saw I saw her a couple times. at different restaurants i costed her. mildly outside of the credit union. outside of the sag after credit union. just you trained you look at all the. stuff she's been in million thing oh. dude she's still working she's worked. forever but yeah she looked great and I. just told her I say hey I'm just such. the biggest fan she started working. before I was born. that's crazy Wow Matlock.

Matlock was so good I mean you talk. about like the meat. doing all [ __ ] racism and [ __ ]. sexism in Hollywood imagine the [ __ ] she. had to deal with start I bet she'd. appreciate the fact that we at least. knowledge it. she started in 1971 1972 to 76 she was. on Matlock police I was I was I was when. I was born and then going different. strokes she was on difference I. guarantee you she dated Willis oh yeah I. guarantee it I met I met Arnold one time. you did from Hey Arnold.

no no Arnold no from Arnold who Paul not. on well Arnold Palmer no Arnold from. different folks Arnold. Willis no the little one Oh Gary Gulman. no no Gary Coleman Gary Coleman Gary. Coleman Gary Coleman yes he died Gary. Coleman died Gary Coleman oh yeah. no Gary Coleman is going people out of. us be comedians over daily tweet his.

advice and I'm like I don't think I'm. doing copyright I'm not writing at all. tag it nine different ways I tell you. once and it's good to go I don't know. what yeah I think I met Gary Goldman. Gary Coleman I met Gary Coleman Gary. Coleman died we looked at up please Ned. yeah. who was the kidney failure he really did. yeah because yeah yeah the little little. guys get kidney problems and so I think. that's how mini-me died I think that's. how a to died oh he's a beautiful young.

man too from my died in Utah at 42 oh my. god you know they gave him a lot of. grief towards the end of his life member. all that they put him in a show called. midgets verse mascots at one point. remember that can you imagine the. Michigan State Trojan fighting a couple. of midgets off outside of a bakery or. whatever wherever they shot it look at. this [ __ ] I love how Hollywood acts. like like regular people or the problem. when they're doing shows called midgets.

reverse mass my question who at the. University of Michigan was like yeah. yeah I think that's cool if a bunch of. little people show up and say hey this. is the show we want you the only you. have to be supportive would. leaving the midgets biscuit why would. they pick some when they definitely. can't beat how do I get midgets verse. mascots I gotta see this ha ha wait. Scottie Pippen's in it ron jeremy Jason.

Mewes yeah I think they put spot they. put regular hiding people into the arm. mascot eree into the uniforms oh my god. I will definitely watch midgets first. mascot um yes Wildman can you believe. that that they have that kind of stuff. dude do you think do you think that. there's gonna be that we'll be able to. get back to regular humor after this. coronavirus thing I think I think it's. going harder I think we're gonna go. harder in the paint yeah because yeah.

because right like I'll tell you right. now when this special when we were. editing this special I have she she had. a question for us actually we'll get. right into that but your statement let's. get this question real quick idea from. Ally semi relator what you guys talk. about okay beautiful beautiful lady.

right there shocked when you see a. pretty person that's senior stand up and. you're like you saw me yeah like I get. it if you're like 280 pounds you got a. beard you're troubled yeah yeah yeah. you're like dude we all go through this. yeah but when you see her you're like. huh what happened um there's nothing. awesome there's only been one subject. that Isla asked me not to talk about but.

like I talked about her period. I'll to get her period no special. they're pretty cool with it although I I. gotta be honest with you I don't know. you know the long-term effects of it I. don't wish I did you know I mean not in. a bad way but you don't it's like I. don't and it's dad's gone he's a. comedian you know saying he's dry he's. flying around the country telling people. all my period I don't know I I don't I. don't I can't imagine it's gonna be. awesome like I you know.

you don't put any thought into it here's. how it works is that right so I'm on the. road with at the time it's me Segura and. impact are doing Irvine and Brea every. Tuesday every Tuesday Wednesday right. we're just banging out Tuesday Wednesday. Tuesday Wednesday not on Terry just. Irvine and Brea musescore driving out. and then one day you tell a joke the. first joke I wrote about the girls was. Isla was a babyish and she had she woke. up early in the morning I go downstairs. I hear my baby monitor go downstairs I'm. like what's going on nor why you.

laughing George's in a rocking chair I. was naked and you're just like dad you. guys see baby Islands new trick the dogs. in between them I don't [ __ ] know and. I go what is it she goes I don't want to. spoil it for you. I'll show Dad and Isla takes her finger. shoves it up her ass and puts in the. dog's mouth oh that's the first joke I. wrote about my daughters and it the. Jolly Roger we call the happy Nazi and. so I go and so I tell that story onstage. in both the in and Tom are like bro. that's like that's legit funny it's not.

a kid joke that's just a funny [ __ ]. joke like we don't have kids and we. still like it and that was where I flip. the switch and so then no then Islands. maybe two or three or just four or five. you start writing jokes about your kids. and they're definitely not seeing it. they're not seeing at all and then I do. the Machine and I put all those stories. I haven't about the girls and it starts. to work like people start to relate to. it. I do secret time and that's when they. were like they were like hey like like.

kind of curious like what do you say. about us I was like guys it's not a big. deal. this one they were like you know run. everything past us first and so I had to. run the period joke past Island she was. a did you sit down and talk to her about. it I told her well I put it here's what. how you know me man I put her on [ __ ]. Instagram stories the day it happened so. the day it happened she gets her period. she wants to a period party do they do. that now oh yeah it's big time what oh. yeah a period part yeah. I told part of the story on her own I.

told just a part of the story on Conan. and it got 20 million views immediately. so like she good she's like I don't want. to ruin it watch this special but she I. get I get all the stuff for the period. party I dress in red. what like [ __ ] red velvet cake you're. gonna love do you love this bit you'll. love this bit but my point is I put it. all on Instagram stories that night. because I'm laughing I'm dying laughing. and then I get in bed that night she.

comes in she's like hey big boy I need. you to take that down and I go but I go. baby it's it's it's fine I think it's. cool she was yeah I know I don't mind. people knowing I through a period party. but I don't want kids in my school. knowing I had my period yeah and I went. oh okay. that makes sense so I pull it all down. and then I go to Louisville that next. weekend and I talk about it I tried. onstage and just that just that reaction. you just had is the whole room Savin it. but the weird part you know me I'm a. meathead I'm like a [ __ ] mouth. breather mm-hmm is women are connecting.

with it going like cheering for I love. which I think cool so then I work it out. a little bit I talked out about it and I. was like I want to do part of that story. on Conan and she's like she goes why I. go I think it's good I think it's a good. thing I think that the thing that you're. doing is gonna be good for little girls. and other little girls will see it and. if the trauma the Georgia with Georgia. on her period she was a [ __ ]. nightmare. and I said the trauma George went. through you can help them avoid that. Kyla didn't want to go through what. Georgia went through so she just.

circumnavigated and went I'm gonna. celebrate this moment right and so I. told her all Conan she watched his she. was cool with it but then the next day. my email gets flooded with little girls. emailing me like their parents their. parents are emailing me from their. daughters like this my daughter wants. you to once you read this and letters. coming in to my manager Lee like hey I. was really scared about getting my. period I've been really nervous about it. but I saw your dad's story thank you for. letting him tell it and then an island. named her period and they go and by the.

way we just welcome Daryl to our family. and so it was so like I don't I don't. have any limits like I'll talk about. [ __ ] anything whether or not it goes. into a special it's like another thing. cuz I got her I gotta run it by them. damn like and I know it's gettin it's. gettin touchy for Georgia yeah yeah I. could imagine but yeah I could imagine. that that's a lot going on she's 15 and. when she starts [ __ ] up and you want. to talk about it you know she's gonna be. like you imagine if you're if all your. fuck-ups. oh I couldn't yeah. and so it's I don't know man I will see.

who knows maybe I won't make it out of. this coronavirus and that's the end of. my stand-up yeah it'd be interesting. here's a white guy right here with. something to say yo what's up Bo what's. up bird that's Logan from Sarasota. Florida my question for bird is how. excited are you for all that new. material you're gonna get for being. quarantine with both your daughter's. it's gonna be hilarious and then my. question for both you guys this do you. ever go back and watch your old Netflix. specials and try to build off that for. your upcoming shows it's a great gang. gang that's a great question it is a. good question man oh the first part he. asked us for you yeah I'm uh it's only.

been two days so I'm not super excited. yet hey yeah it's funny you start. picking out little things that you I. mean you know that like there'll be. something that happens where you go. that's not it but this may be a part of. it right and so like right now Isla is. obsessed with puns mm-hmm so anything. you say to where she replies in a pun. I guess there's just some guy on the. internet who does puns and so she loves. puns grip lists there's a guy named. grepolis that's an artist you can bring.

him up but yes really good ones but uh. but yeah I don't know D when you prepare. for a special do you watch previous. specials I've honestly I've never. watched my old special um you know I saw. whenever we're editing it and putting it. together uh I wasn't really in I wasn't. that stupid that stoked about it but I. loved it he did I loved it I watched it. on the foot of my bed before we changed. our house around I remember exactly. where I was I put turning on I watch. someone the foot of my bed I watched you. getting ready for it to like I've never. seen you get ready for it the Hollywood.

improv yeah yeah I was excited yeah I. mean I think that's just my head you. know it's like you always everyone's. head yeah do you trust me sorry trust me. I did not I was so like press has been. very weird for this special and like cuz. we they just pulled all press so there's. no press so crazy yeah and it's dude. because did you have a lot of place to. go this together you were lined up - I. had lined up across the board and then. and then you know everything happened. and they just pull all press and I'm. doing four podcasts that's it for the. whole special for [ __ ] podcasts and.

so well thanks for coming in you know. dude thank you by the way hold on you're. one of the few people that didn't cancel. on me a lot of podcast can swell really. yeah a lot of podcasts were like no. we're not you know what can we push it. like a week and just see what's happen. I'm like I'm like man unless someone's. you know in it you know unless you're. showing any symptoms and by the way. everyone's been [ __ ] quarantined the. rules 10 or under it's 10 or under and. they're being safe on that it's three of. us in a room he's not I'm in the same. room no one's touched each other so like. me it's Segura did a podcast this.

morning everyone's like look people are. [ __ ] working you can't not make a. living or entertain people that are. locked up in their houses this is what. we do for a living yeah totally and if. anything is a time to do this is a time. to be like I'm doubling down on Park if. I did have it I'd come in and do it oh. yeah by the way I wouldn't mind one of. us just getting it and spread it to all. of you going hey guys let's really bang. these out now or I'll do it sex again. yeah just really affected yeah now we're. done yeah affected only yeah I wonder if. it at some point there will become a.

line where it's like the affected get to. do stuff and the unaffected don't get to. do it's like a herpe with herpes website. no party with us well I thought if one. day there was like a what if one day. they come out with a drug where you can. live forever right but only some people. get it you know and some people don't. and there's just gonna be that crazy. like cutoff like they're gonna decide. like well you're over 45 you know you're. not even abuse or you're over six you're. not abuse anymore so you don't do that. already so you don't get it but under 60.

gets it and the government has it and. it's like it's just gonna be this crow. right where they draw the line and you. gotta [ __ ] pick it marriages if your. wife be two years three years older or. whatever she can't do it I mean it's the. law you know what am I supposed to do my. point is my point is to yours because I. love your special and you think in your. head you didn't like it or you're afraid. afraid that people didn't like it or. whatever that's how I woke up I woke up.

yesterday morning Saint Patty's Day. that's big [ __ ] yeah the show planned. and what happens when you do press for a. special is it really get your mind off. of it so these first few days when. people are sending in tweets and. instagrams and and you don't really look. at it because you're busy working and. promoting and texting and and you know. hitting up friends hey can you tweet. about this and so then you don't really. realize it until I come Friday and then. bikeway come Friday. everyone's there for the weekend it's. your fans hitting you up. so you don't think about it I woke up. yesterday [ __ ] panicked I mean all.

you can remember are the jokes you're. not proud of is like it's like yes god. damn it and then this morning was the. first time I did any real legit press. where I called in two radio stations and. they were like oh man I love that joke. you have about beating your wife or the. mop and I'm like oh that's a good joke. or the I had a joke that I had a joke. that went that they memed. like it that's nice I wrote it 18 months. ago performed it filmed it November and. then 50-cent put him put it on a meme. and it was like and I didn't get any.

credit but you know it's a good joke. when it gets meme yeah and so but you. don't think about those you think about. the [ __ ] ones and so it's not until you. get [ __ ] text like from like Segura. cow head or like my friends that mean. something they go hey the secret time I. thought that should I I was so terrified. that that special just sucked they just. sucked that everyone was just being nice. to me some a nice guy people like oh. yeah yeah that happened to me too you're. just like Oh everybody's just saying. that because because like I watched it. nine times you're like that's insane. he's ever done that someone's like I.

watched it back to back here like no you. did and I appreciate you saying that. yeah I appreciate you making me feel. better right I remember I did a podcast. with Rogan and he goes he said I mean. you can find this clip you can you can. see the look on my face it's [ __ ]. genuine he goes hey man I watched your. special it's [ __ ] awesome and I went. really like it's genuine like Wow and I. couldn't get past that I go wait you you. really watched it and he was like yeah I. was awesome and I was like hold on like. I'm looking at like are you being. serious. like those compliments are like the.

weight like Tom Pappas said man I loved. your special hi a guy like Tom Palmer. says that and you're like his new. special is good too [ __ ] awesome man. it's awesome one's clean it's not like. like mine you can't watch with your. family yeah but yeah I have what's one. joke that you wish you could take out of. a pass from that you're just like oh it. was just it wasn't it's not me anymore. or it just was - if there is one I have. I don't like the way I named I titled my. first special cuz it was back before. clickbait was a thing behind but we knew.

what clickbait was but we didn't know. what it was and it wasn't there was. nothing really racist in it but it was. like let's talk about Mexicans let's. talk about. acts like it just seems racist oh yeah. now see it's tough some stuff she does. seem racist now I wat - Oh klutzy like. oh man that seems kind of racist now but. at the time it wasn't at all it wasn't. like we've also gotten so [ __ ] in. Hollywood have gotten so sensitive on. the way that things are like said yeah. and not the reality of them like I had a.

joke a snobby joke about my closing joke. was about getting [ __ ]. I forgot how it went but I remember I. remember someone explaining it to me. like showing me from a woman's point of. view how that's a bit aggressive and I. just did not see it I was like I was. like I tried the censored approach no I. go I go you know women hate when you. grab by the back of the head and. strong-arm him down I go you guys see. the look on their face we're like no I. go I tried the censored approach you. know sliding it in their mouth while. they're sleeping just like you're.

dreaming you're dreaming you're. snorkeling and the keys feel the fish. bouncing off your chin so like I eat. those remember this girl going like it. sounds like you're raping your wife I go. oh no no I'm just [ __ ] her sleep. she's like and I was like yeah but what. do you yeah but that was a different. time you could [ __ ] the sleep back. then you know called the old moccasins. it was actually a lot of women were like. thank you for not waking me up I. guarantee you if my wife could find a.

way that he slept she would take it. that's a that's what I'm saying a lot of. wives would consent in advance you're. saying yes please I had a joke and one. of my specials about I took it out. because it just didn't sound right I. maybe I didn't take it out I don't might. be a secret time ago you ever had sex. with someone who didn't want to have sex. with you not rape but like what ever. [ __ ] your wife when she doesn't want to. [ __ ] you and she's just like hmm and. you're like you're not really into this. it's like no I don't want to be doing. this at all and you're like huh like no.

I'm just want to go to Target I don't. want to deal with an [ __ ] yeah I miss. wording that joke I think I told that. secret time I don't know yeah I never. had a wife but I could imagine you get. married I think I would like to is it. really if is it pretty cool I love it. you do I love it yeah you've always been. a big proponent of it yeah but I'm a big. I was a better I was I'm a better. married dude I am single day yeah I. could see that you need. bril that net around you need that. support you need that when you go home. you got that love you got something. going on there's something fun I can't I.

can't my I mean I I look at like you and. dilly I know daliyah's now got kid but. like I look at you D'Elia and like that. group of guys who all kind of like. untethered and I go that must be nice to. like go like I'm going on the road you. know I'm gonna stay on the road and then. just go snow ski and then go into. another city or I'm gonna do a movie and. disappear for a month or or like or like. in times like this where you go I don't. have to worry about like financially I'm. good for a couple years you know but. right now as a parent and these happen. you start worrying about your kids you.

start writing about finances and you're. like like I know I'm good but like for. how long and how long like if and by the. way if [ __ ] goes sideways I still got to. take care of like say the economy never. recovers never for like five years and. they can no one goes see stand-up I. don't really have any more [ __ ] skill. sets right but you could disappear and. go Bart and be the [ __ ] funny. bartender make $100,000 a year you know. yeah may you'd be way funnier but no I.

think there's definitely like oh yeah. there's a it's definitely you start to. see guys like Sebastian got married and. started a family you know you don't see. ya Ernst you see guys start to have kids. and stuff you're like oh man I guess I. guess this is something I have to do if. I want to do it you know I just actually. at some point I got to start to go down. that road you know so time yeah yeah you. gotta find the right check you got to. find the right chicken yeah that's. another thing you don't want to find. some up you know you don't want to find. some [ __ ] dust mop it out there was.

you know copping grams when you're not. around or doing [ __ ] like that stealing. [ __ ] from you so I've had some chicks. sell some of my [ __ ] you know when you. were partying did you date like sketchy. chicks oh I've always kind of dated. something so a couple of real schedules. my last girlfriend wasn't sketchy though. I don't know if I've made good. girlfriend choices it's just like the. messing around choices if you're like oh. wait what's the worst I got it yeah this. time your name but just tell me like the. worst um let me think this I'm sure.

oh oh I know the worst dude so there was. a girl that. I don't know she was the worst really. but there was a girl who uh there was a. girl who I had taken him bunch of stuff. from a Holiday Inn right and uh and this. back when Holiday and put wrote holiday. and when they're like on the shower. curtains and stuff in their showers and. the soaps and everything no but I'd. hooked up with her at her place and then. I took all that stuff and redid her. bathroom in it and to put all holiday.

and [ __ ] in there but that did another. to do with her I think she there was and. then I cheated on her that was more me. let me do another one. yeah she was super sketch girl where I. pass that her house on visitor hamper. that wasn't her that was more me you. know trying to think I mean I'm sure. some oh I remember one time hooking up. with this young lady and she's like oh. you can bust right inside of me you know.

immediately I maybe not want to even be. around her that just revolted me to my. core that she was just you know just. even like I'm not gonna hack you later. all that's my new thing is I don't bust. man if I'm having sex we have sex for a. little while we go our separate ways huh. I was ejaculate later by myself all are. all ejaculate you know at a future time. you weren't jerking off for a while. right yeah I've been through some good. phases man I've struggled recently but. I'm doing my best you know why how come.

I don't like it man oh and the girl goes. yeah you can bust inside of me she goes. I was like I don't want to do all of. that you know she's like oh don't worry. I can't get pregnant I don't even have. any ovaries that's what she yelled out. of a [ __ ] [ __ ] what's the place for. you buy printer ink and everything. Kinkos no no no a little bit bigger than. that oh I don't even got any ovary and.

the middle billiards match in a skins. game long story I'll just say me and an. octopus didn't get along ah so that. still ruminates inside it makes me sad. [Laughter]. with that girl I did it so I did it.

sketchy checks but never I never [ __ ]. them I was always weird about [ __ ]. checks oh yeah dude same man I was for a. while I wasn't even good at it sex at. all minute I'm still never I've never. been good at not good at oh I'm not good. at swearing a lot of times no I just I. bust so [ __ ] quick oh wow I'm like. literally I don't think I get AIDS it's. like the five-second rule when you drop. some on the ground like all right that. doesn't count yeah I'm [ __ ] I'm not. like you want to see you with AIDS but I. couldn't imagine you with a yeah.

pictures when I was skinnier. yeah dude I'd be an ugly AIDS patient oh. dude I had a [ __ ] ugly head. really I had an ugly head I've always. had an ugly head and when I gained. weight my head looked normal on my body. oh I could see that like I have a big I. have a big head like a size like put. this on your head and feel how big my. head it's pretty big oh wow that's your. head that's my head oh my god I feel. like I'm in a little apartment I know I.

feel like I'm in a studio apartment like. hold on I'll go over here to the kids. yeah sorry I didn't do my hair it. normally looks a lot better but I'm. starting to get gray streaks in my hair. oh yeah gray streaks in my beard I'm. getting that we got a question right. here from a guy named John gu looks like. an Islamic. faintly wake up it's your bud John. what's up Johnny Johnny Johnny totally.

gay best friend I saw a question for. Burt given that Theo is in a 12-step. program and a big part of that program. is acceptance and forgiveness do you. think that you would ever forgive Ari. Shaffir for unintentionally drugging you. and giving you Molly so hope you're back. gang gang take a question very now he. said he said unintended. I think that's where we differ I think. he was pretty direct in his intent do.

you think he wanted to do it like just. do you think there's something in him. that's like I got to get a rise somehow. out of things and it doesn't matter what. it is it doesn't matter if it's like you. know just his vibe of humor with the. COBE stuff you know like heard not just. Kobe but all that going to the edge you. know I got a douse my friend I got to do. this fire I mean I think I think the two. are separate. I think but I'll say number one I think. always always succeeded on those outer. barriers of comedy media really pushing.

the edge really finding the boundary and. then and then jumping over it yeah case. in point the the Kobe thing the the I'm. not gonna go through Ari's list of the. things there but even the picture of him. naked on the stage like he's always at. the a you know he's always done the /. he's always he's doing the dark side of. the moon a lot of times yeah 100% I. think I do think there's a part I think. there's a part of already that thought. if we do a podcast and I've sort of a. Molly it's gonna be the most epic.

podcast ever yeah everyone was talking. about further Esther their lives and I. think he I think that was a part of his. thought process but I do think that part. of his intent was this is gonna be a. blast first one of my best friends. I think Molly's not gonna kill him I'm. gonna give him Molly we're gonna get. high we're gonna laugh we hang out all. night he didn't really calculate it like. he was like I should have checked to see. if his kids were in the other room I. should have checked to see if they make. dinner or something. my wife was making dinner for all both. of us wouldn't have dinner with the. girls because my girls loved Ari and and.

and he's like and he didn't check that I. was flying that night I was starting my. tour that. so there's a lot of things I didn't like. check the boxes for he just kind of did. it and and it was mean it's super. regrettable because I still love Ari and. I and I'm we're still friends we text. all the time we talk on the phone but. like if my daughter sees me texting with. Ari still take my phone she [ __ ]. Georgia hate sorry. Leanne hate sorry and that's what. [ __ ] sucks and that I'll never.

release the podcast cuz I just don't I. know for a fact already thinks it's that. big but I've talked too much about it so. if you watch it yeah you'd know too much. about my feelings about what happened I. suppose if I had never spoken about it. and I just released it I would have been. I mean it would have but I think it. would probably got off without a hitch. but I talked about it so much mmm that I. just I feel like it's not fair to show. it's not fair to show Ari being somewhat. insensitive to a friend who believes he. was drugged and may die right cuz or.

he's just he's hi and he doesn't care. and I'm freaked out I'm having a panic. attack and you can definitely see all. that and I know Ari feels differently. but will you one day put him on a. paywall you think no I mean maybe it. maybe one day like release it as a movie. may I may I mean. it's by the way it's not it's so crazy. like if you say you heard you like. others outtakes on Reservoir Dogs where. they lose memory there's I'll takes on.

Lily Tomlin losing her mind on Dustin. Hoffman or someone during a movie. totally I think you see something and. they were like oh I want to see that and. you as a fan as a fan of podcasts as a. fan like a perfect example right when. you and Bill bird in a podcast and. everyone was like bro what the [ __ ]. happened there I went right there. excited I watched it I didn't see what I. think everyone else saw like I just saw. you and Bill hanging out it didn't. didn't register for me the way it did. for other people but I ran right to it I.

I ran right to it. people on Twitter what what the [ __ ]. happened with Bill and Theo and I was. like Bill's one of my best friends I've. know the I feel is one of my close. friends like I've known bill for 20. years I've known Theo for 15 like I'm. [ __ ] I'm going here for me it didn't. like razzle-dazzle me I can see what. people were talking about I can pick up. on hints of it but like. it wasn't what I want to see so I know. as a fan the idea that you'd want to. watch me and re me get drugged I'm just. afraid protective of re that especially.

with all the Cobie [ __ ] the one yeah but. we just it wouldn't help anyone really. wouldn't help any trust me man had I. released it in that Kobe [ __ ] gone viral. people would have grabbed that and it. would have here it's lugging us a white. guy I mean do I'll tell you right now. when it happened dr. Drew said you know. just so you know you by you telling me. this I have to call the police and I. went then I made it up then I don't know. what you're talking about so if I put it. out there would have been I think it. would've been a bad I already disagrees. 100% Wow so Ari says put it out already. wants it out so bad maybe I'll sell it.

to him one day there you go yeah we're. talking if he makes it big which on the. rate he's at he's big man he's just. [ __ ] sabotaging himself left and. [ __ ] right he's the guy that killed. Kobe Ryan pretty much yeah you know and. a lot of yeah and a lot of poorly. written articles you know here's the guy. and look at this the guy was flying now. the copters picture of Ari sometimes you. know what I say and it's bad like bro. things you've mixed up out there it's a. mash-up yeah he's so talented man and I. think that when he does film the special.

called Jew I think it's called because. he's a Jewish supremacist he's a Jewish. yeah 100% when he's films this special I. think it's gonna be huge and I think. people I think it'll really I think. people will see the the artist as. opposed to like the comic that we've all. known right the sensitive sweet [ __ ]. hilarious. Ari Shaffir as opposed to bloody ass rag. by the way that's still part of his. personalities Doug Stanhope a piss on. you and he's one of the most genius. comics in the world. yeah it's like you can be both people.

you can give me three things you me four. things yeah yeah yeah I don't know we. didn't I like I remember asking if you. wanted to talk about it one day on the. podcast and just through texting and. then I never heard back from him about. it but yeah it's interesting because if. I if I here's what here's what you. should do if you talk to him make him. talk honestly right because this here's. what here's what is frustrating to me is. that the cop it's not even frustrating.

it's not even frustrating at all. like the part of Arie that apologized. and the part that I talked to on the. phone at the end of the month when we. hadn't spoken for a month and he had. texted me every single day going like I. want to talk to you I can't have this. happen I can't lose you as a friend like. that guy right that guy talking about it. and talking about his experience dude. that way is so [ __ ] fascinating the. part of him were it's where he shuts off. and de flex and goes what is a joke.

right. you know that for me I'm not super. fascinated by but man I know that I know. the man very [ __ ] well yeah and the. sensitive side I would love to hear his. perspective of it from more human space. and now he was here because it's funny. still like his like hit me and him. talking the first time we talked I was. driving to a plan of fitness in an uber. and me and him talked I can see that and. we were just back and forth kind of. having our first conversation in a month. but giggling and kind of like like yeah.

that was a [ __ ] do you like I'd say. something like and then instead of going. like deflected he was [ __ ] but you. know what that's me asking him in to do. comedy and that's offensive right me to. go hey this is how you should talk about. it my point is I would look that side of. alright I would love to hear on a. podcast right right oh yeah man I mean. yeah he's definitely a sweet nice dude I. think you know says this wild character. that is though he is God is this outlaw. he's like the Jesse James kind of like. things I can't you can't change that.

that's his whole thing and that's a real. thing no yeah it's really [ __ ] on Bobby. Lee's car yeah he beat up Bobby Lee four. times there's a part of Arie that's a. [ __ ] legit wild card. I let me tell you so how do you beat up. I believe three times and then go back. and beat him up one more time now I. don't know I mean it seems like it was. an easy fight dude or lower cuts any. cuts dude any cuts you could use a bobby.

bobby BAM Bobby Lee Bobby Lee's so cool. no deaf unbelievably one-of-a-kind you. and him are the two dudes in recovery. that have never ever been brow beady or. like. never been like like you know like when. I say [ __ ] like y'all yeah I'm not. drinking right now and you're like nice. and you like ass I'm a hard time. sleeping or whatever and I don't know. what I said to you last time I said. something about not drinking and you're. like yeah you and you just got like I. heard by know you're talking about and.

then and then and then I was like. alright I'm out I'm out I'm Annie took. off but both of you I believed always. been cool about whatever [ __ ]. thoughts I have out loud just listening. and being like a friend suppose you know. some dudes are a little bit like hey man. yeah here's the deal you got a problem. in and I can help ya I can be your. Savior and you're like no you [ __ ]. can yeah run an open mic out of Burbank. and I'm not trusting my life with you at. all yeah I'd much rather be a failed. alcohol and [ __ ] your sidekick and a. [ __ ] a meeting. yeah don't make me beat up Bobby Lee.

again this is probably 18 years no was. it mixed or men's mixed okay mixed is. about his men's better mins is. definitely like a little bit more it. gets like a little bit more sentimental. I think the mixed ones there's always. that element of like impressing women or. seeing what's going on a little bit oh. yeah this was no cuz they got a lot of. bottle thoughts out there a lot of. chicks you give up the liquor just to. get a man you know mm-hmm yeah by the.

way I would I can see myself totally. getting sober because of a chicken AAA. oh yeah and then falling off with her. when she wanted to fall yeah I can. totally see that happening but went to a. meeting one time was over yes I. shouldn't say anything like that. booze now you see where it was on. Moorpark no no this is a long time I. live in Hollywood it was on the corner. of Franklin and and Highland mm-hmm so. it was like he's Franklin yeah Franklin. Highland it's over by that Starbucks. over there mm-hmm so everyone went to.

the Starbucks and then walked Chris. Street to the to the like school library. what it was was in like an auditorium. like library type setting you go in they. give you the book and there and you sit. you know you're sitting down first and. then they're going around and then the. guy was with this really cool dude he he. and he had the only way to support him. no no no I was Lee Ann had dumped me. mm-hmm we've been dating for like four. months that she dumped me cuz I got. drunk at a party and I wouldn't let a. fight go like a what like. argument with her friends I just thought.

yeah I fought I died on the hill I was. like this is my hell did I on and I got. drunk and then I couldn't rebound. emotionally from that fight and she. broke up with me and so I just said I'm. done I'm done drinking I got drunk and I. lost a chick that I loved and I don't. want that and if I want to find chicks I. love that I want to keep I got to be. sober good see that's not gonna work. yeah I feel yeah I tried to learn French. wants to get a woman back. I made a boat out of clay for a woman. once I made a mixtape for Liam you did. dude I she dumped me sorry I made a.

mixtape and I drove down LaBrea sobbing. crying oh yeah sobbing crying and put it. on her car like a mixtape with a letter. and I went back in I thought I said I've. cried so hard this is how bad I was hurt. when they had dumped me I I went into my. shower cuz I'd want anyone to hear me. yeah yeah but I couldn't sit on the. ground once on the ground so I bought. one of those exercise balls in mmm but I. into the shower into the shower but it. wouldn't fit through the door so I had. to deflate it crying bring it in and.

shower crying re-inflate it crying and. sit on it crying breathe deep when. you're crying too and so I'm sitting on. I lived up on this street called Glencoe. oh right oh man right above yeah yes a. sitting there eating Asian pear. I hadn't drank in a couple days I was. not out of any other thing that I've. been crying this whole time is this in. the Bible I feel like this isn't a Bible. yeah and so stewed comes out lived up.

there and he goes he goes what's going. on and I said something about because he. was a how'd he get in the shower and I. was on the street on the street on the I. was on the street in Asian pear. apartment so he used to be a sober coach.

so they'd hire him oh yeah that's a big. job he they'd hire him to go with huge. actors to their movie to keep them sober. so that they could get insured get. through it Denzel Washington as a man. everybody talks about a lot of times he. gets. sober for films oh yeah yeah it was here. that anyway it's a rumor so this guy. then that's what he did for them he made. great money and he was a nice man tall. guy and coolest shoe a guy who'd got no. yoke good-looking dude Harley. Connie Corso dog like just the [ __ ].

he was the man right and so he just sit. and he's and he knew all the talk man. knew but he was like in like he had been. sober for a while and he'd been doing. this so long and trying to get you in a. took you to a meeting he just know you. always said was he goes I saw him think. I quit drinking for a while. and he was like how long I don't know. and he was like he's like you know. sometimes it's just it's easier to just. go let's just take today yeah I don't. worry about when you're gonna start just. take today I was like maybe I should and. he goes and if you want if you need help. today like why don't you come to a.

meeting with me. and I was like I was like man I'm my. fear was I was gonna start drinking so I. was so depressed about with the N Dom. mean and so I said I'll go I was due I. was. I'll try was like I'll try anything I. was like I'll go to a meeting this is. new yeah we went out we got coffee I'd. never had coffee at night oh yeah I'd. never done that we got coffee we went to. the meeting and he was like just just. listen man you want to do anything just. listen so they're going around. everyone's talking and it's like four. guys for me and he hits me and he goes. he goes hey listen I know your comic if.

you want to talk if you want to talk. about we're going to everyone's gonna. listen and I was like really. he was like yeah just just spill. everything you don't have to be funny. just spill everything I was like alright. alright good call. so I'm sitting and then it gets to me. and I go to sign up and this guy next to. me that I didn't really like kinda was. like behind me he stands up he goes. actually I'm having a really rough day. and I was like okay and so I sit back. down and he goes hi my name is Don Todd. I'm an alcoholic and everyone's like hi. da da da da and he goes oh it's been a. bad day I woke up this morning I sucked.

my landlords dick and I lit his car on. fire. and I as a comic the oh I went how do I. follow that like an old exact so I just. like I'm [ __ ] out I'm like I'm. sitting down and then I [ __ ] I was. like never went back to another meeting. I was like yeah and I stayed sober for. eight months and and Leanne and I one. night we're in we're venison i season. for eight months dude that's huge I said. well I don't know I don't have a problem. staying sober right. problem if there is a problem my problem. is turning it on and off like I don't.

really do it the way like regular people. do it. we're like like I don't drink during the. days I only drink at nights but in a. weird way it's like I get the I get the. itch so like 8 o'clock or 7 o'clock. sansar statin I would my gosh wine yeah. but once I stopped drinking like we stew. so rocktober I have no problem not. drinking right and by the way I have a. hard time starting drinking again. mmm once I start November first I'm back. in I'm back in the game like this it's. it's not every night but it's pretty.

much like any night I'm on the road the. road must be tough man being sober on. the road was really tough because you. get done a show and you just sitting. there like so now what what do we eat. like yeah what are we gonna do want to. smoke cigars and so now you're smoking. three cigars a day and so and I was. working I was being so healthy but you I. don't know when I can drink on the road. I just do it so yeah I would I feel like. if I'm out there especially I'm out. there on a tour bus and stuff like that. I would just yeah I would probably just. be getting hammered out there I feel.

like it would be real risky what was. this question we had right here from a. young feller a woman and this is a man. it's kind of what you just talked about. oh yeah Lois this message is for birth. me and Theo come from the same cloth. looks like I'm coming from God but how. do you drink so much and stop for sober. October how do you do that I can't even. imagine just stop and drinking like that. without any program or anything like. that how do you do it Burke Gang Gang.

way how do you yeah how do you do that. you just shut it down you me you know do. you know ramping up until October you. like okay September I'm gonna drink as. much I got a I got a we're gonna have. this last night is gonna be a big party. you have a party the night before no. yeah no actually usually I'll quit. drinking a couple days before just kind. of Pratt know just because like I go I. don't want to ramp up and be hungover.

October first where I'm like oh I'd. rather have that [ __ ] day here so that. if I need a glass of wine to go to bed. like if I'm like you know I'm gonna have. a glass of wine. so like I've kind of tapered it off and. then and then I just stop I've done it. both ways I've did it this last year I. got [ __ ] wasted September 30th or. whatever and then turned it off the year. before I kind of tapered off a little. bit the year before that I think I the I. think I didn't drink because the rule is.

you can't you got to stop drinking at. midnight right so you can't you can't. build up to midnight and then go I'm. done that's not gonna happen. yeah so like I always taper it off a tad. bit but uh yeah I don't know man I have. a weird thing in my head it's very. punitive I'm very punitive I'm a little. obsessive compulsive so like like what. I'm not drinking right now I'm not gonna. drink for the next probably I mean I may. I never anybody drink in here no no no. no no I meant I'm not drinking right now. this time of my life oh I see you're.

saying it so we got a lot of work to do. too right now. yeah and I've plenty of [ __ ] free. time I'm like dude last thing I'm gonna. do is [ __ ] a bunch of free time up with. booze yeah it's like when you go on. vacation my biggest mistake when I was. younger is I go on vacation and get. [ __ ] wasted those final time come. home and be like more tired from the. vacation life yeah I went on vacation. one time to Hawaii my wife's like no. booze I did it and I had a [ __ ] blast. up early jogging swimming snorkeling oh. look the greatest vacation so I lost to. you oh dude. LeAnn lumps good out here oh when I'm.

out there I feel like I'm supposed to be. out there me too. you know what we did in Fiji we kind of. floated the reef or they drop you off. and you just kind of cruise with the. reef oh it sleazy pretty cool Fiji was. [ __ ] awesome it was really great. that's a Fiji Bali Fiji is great too oh. wow Wyndham Fiji as well Fiji is amazing. but Bali's [ __ ] legit. I don't know I wish I could tell you I. talked dr. drew about it why I get to. this place where I shut it down and then. I don't and then I'll tell you right now. man if I see if I don't drink for this.

whole time we're off for whatever time. we're off I'll have a really hard time. starting again do you feel like you have. to drink cause your show and cuz your. act I think I think people would be. really I think people would probably. look at me different I think people look. at my show is I got a reason to tap out. and have a good time yeah and I think. they I think let's go celebrate. I'm also the guy that like when I go to. a party like with parents on the. guy that gives everyone a license to get. a little loaded yeah and I don't you can. never tell when I'm wasted I mean I can. but you normally people can't so so it I.

feel like they go on the lips get wetter. I noticed them yeah yeah it's okay there. but um but yeah I don't know how I I. don't know I wish I knew and I've talked. to dr. Drew about on my I don't think so. here's up I think you're gonna have. health problems if you continue the way. you do it yeah so that's where I like. turning it off. yeah he's so smart - dr. Drew isn't he. dude he's the bat I'm this whole Crona. virus thing I'm texting him about like. mental health it yeah you know I've.

talked about it but no one really knows. too much about it but like I definitely. have anxiety like that I can't I can. sometimes I can't deal with I think that. probably leads to me drinking but there. are times where I just like can't deal. with it and when this coronavirus kicked. off I was like and I was like I wouldn't. leaving the boss like weed like I was. like yeah I'm safe here. like why would I get out of the bus it's. out there and I mean it's worth just at. your place right now where is it. it's at my house right now yeah but uh. but like I was it like we were driving.

across country who drew from New Orleans. to LA and I just was like I just wasn't. get out of the bus Wow. and they were like well I was it was. like they didn't know what was going on. so everyone's with me but I kept my head. was just chewing the same thoughts over. and over again so I called dr. drew and. he's like all right let's talk I go I'm. actually good today but so yeah he's. such a nice outlet he said I really yeah. just his tone and everything is to go. away to communicate we had a question. that came up right here from a young. woman this is a man actually young fella.

Burt got a question for you if there's. no tito's available what's your what's. really good to drink and do back in your. your drinking days what was your what. was your go-to drink gang gang gang bro. well I like to do a Miller High Life was. a beer that I've really enjoyed really. and it's in Europe too and it's a beer. that I always that I've thoroughly.

enjoyed was in Miller High Life and I. and I used to live with a man who would. be Tostitos at night and. during Miller Lite so sometimes I'd sit. in the living room watch him he didn't. know I was sitting there in the dark. watching him any be on the computer. looking at pornography and [ __ ] eating. [ __ ] Tostitos and drinking and Miller. Lite I used to watch him but yeah when I. was drinking what else did we have a. little bit of mad dog 20/20 was kind of. popular Ripple. a lot of the brothers would [ __ ] let. you hit that ripple jug you know yeah. and uh but yeah once we got into college.

beer you know and then once I got out of. there I went through a gin and tonic. phase over there in Charleston South. Carolina onyx are beautiful oh my god. booze like I'll literally get my hopes. up yeah like I'll go like you you can. sell me on a drink yeah where I go a guy. might need one of those I talked to. someone today and he was like I'm having. a white wine I'm on the keys I'm as. coronavirus is freaking me out I just. broke up a port of white wine and it's. like 4:00 in the morning to me yeah.

doing a radio tour I was like I wanna. [ __ ] glass why yeah I don't I don't. have a problem getting back on look you. like me blocking my way into back. drinking tonight look I don't have a. problem in I might drink tonight it's. only fun yeah man gin and tonics oh they. were grab Jim gin and tonics on Monday. Night Football. oh really my sister worked it's got a. job at Fox we just had Georgia and we. Stu go over to her house in like Oh down. on Pico mm-hmm my two sisters lived. together my sister I would make gin and.

tonics mmm and we make dinner we'd watch. my daughter my wife we go to tennis. practice my other sister would come home. and we'd all grill out have gin and. tonics gin and tonics remind me at. Monday Night Football that's awesome man. it's such a we drink them out at this. place I remember was called and just. stand out there and look at the grass. and have a couple gin and tonics brother. they had like you know like a lot of. like marsh grass and Paul meadows and. stuff like that so this is in South. Carolina and we drink nine of them. eleven of them man [ __ ] drink those. [ __ ] to your eyes wouldn't close you.

know it's funny I don't enjoy this have. to lay a rag over my eyes to sleep I. couldn't get my eyes closed if I had. enough too much gin I couldn't I never I. know I don't really love the taste of. Tito's and sodas I love the taste of a. gin and tonic. yeah like I love the taste of a Bloody. Mary a strong Bloody Mary spicy I love. taste love the taste of a White Russian. oh yeah I love the taste I just got back. into IPAs I wasn't a guy yeah I had a. period where I couldn't drink IPAs I was. drinking one in the morning yeah I was.

taking a shower I had to jump off the. stratosphere that day that no wow I was. in the shower in Utah and I had a it. call it a gravity jug and it was like a. really strong IPA and I was getting. ready to go on a plane I'm drinking in. the shower cuz I don't want to [ __ ]. fly I'm so much anxiety and I'm running. late for the fight and I drank too much. and I threw up an IPS strong IPA any. shower. oh it's thinking about it it's too much. huh. I couldn't drink IPAs for a long time. and then once those tannins and stuff.

from that oak or whatever gets to just. get to your gills do you know what you. know what I miss because I can't drink. it someone blood pressure medicine is. grapefruit and vodka oh wow and a. grapefruit and gin is [ __ ] awesome. he's even in every drink on jack on the. rocks double jack on the rocks lots of. ice that's my take off drink on planes. oh really down on a plane what do you. want sir I'll take a double Jack in the. rocks lots of ice lots of ice please. these are how I take mine these are my. orders is this is when you know you.

drink too much these are my orders okay. tt does sort of big last no lime can I. get a double jack on the rocks lots ice. can I get a beer but pour in the glass. just pour the whole thing in glass do. not just give me the cam okay no no. actually I think you give me the cam. give it important the guys I mean I'm. really specific about how I take drinks. but look I think is also I think man as. they get older they get specific about. how they take everything you know it's. not like yeah. don't give me this like you're just like. I'm 19 again it was when you were. kidding you'd have to call your dad like. how do I like my steak medium-rare how.

do I get this tied of work yeah how do I. do this now it took you know exactly how. you want things it's just like okay this. is how I do tur I don't do it at all do. you remember it was like the first time. you ever bought a car and you like you. picked it out paid cash boy 1984 Ford. Escort dude with no passenger seat. somebody stole well somebody stole it. but it had it when I got it but I think. the guy stole it back the guy I bought. it from really yeah I never really went. into it but I do think that but like the. first car you bought like that you went. into a dealership and you said like I'm.

looking at I'm looking. this guy showed you things and you were. like he's like what color would you like. and you had to make all these decisions. on your own there's my first car was a. Expedition an Eddie Bauer or nice black. on Tanner's God I remember looking at it. and going this is the car like it. I want the tan interior bleep in the. back yeah oh I slept in that back a lot. i [ __ ] [ __ ] lianna in the driver's. seat 1d key really yes you slammed my. dunk my thumb in the car door and I.

didn't care I just kept banging away. middle of the night that thumb started. hurting more than I've ever felt. anything hurt and she took a needle. littered over a match and pushed it in. popped it and blood squirted out [ __ ]. thumb that was the most pain as part of. most pain I've ever been in my life that. [ __ ] thumb yeah the fingers are. really it's amazing kind of sometimes. what's in there you know you wonder. what's in your hands all the time have. you seen that show my feet are killing. me mmm I don't want that kind of stuff. we got a question when you answer my Oh.

Jon REEP it's Nick from Melbourne. Australia. cheers man my questions for Bert did the. LA Marathon did the triathlon what's. next surely we can squeeze a big bike. ride or something out of you gang gang. game brother yeah bird it's crazy good. for one end of the spectrum you hit you. hit the other end of the spectrum too. man some real pinnacles athletically. yeah I wrote I already wrote a bike I. rode a bike from Philadelphia to. Atlantic City I was that far is it.

really. it took me five hours oh wow dude it was. I was probably the hardest thing I've. ever done because I had partied the. night before but I was at my biggest I. never been weight wise so I wrote it and. it was just I mean there's a lot of. gunplay over there in Philly - now we're. 25 and about how many miles is it 68.4. 68.4 it was Lu [ __ ] some sharp five. hours in 22 minutes I did it much longer. by the way I think I did it like five. hours. I almost if I did in six hours how.

congratulations man that's amazing. we're talking about swimming in the. Catalina channel me and my buddy you. know Dave Williamson comedian. oh yeah a bleep man Dave from Miami he. tours with me and Dave wants to swim the. Catalina channel. Wow and I was like you're gonna train. for it I might as well. train for and see if I can do it I'd. rather swim with a guy so if the shark. goes after him oh yeah and it's some. people you always want to have that. shark buddy like yeah let's get into. yeah. well get a couple tattoos of meat on. your legs and this is your third or.

fourth special the MUC fourth Wow yeah. my fourth and then what gets easier. about them as you go along. really yeah it's actually gotten harder. yeah because it's like the comfortably. dumb. I just told all the jokes I had right. that was it I was like whatever first. best way yeah. the machine I had a good length of time.

between now like probably I want to say. like eight years or something I don't. know when I did the machine but like. maybe seven years five years by sometime. and I had this machine story worked out. I knew that was the end I knew that was. gonna end it and I had these great. stories I had these stories that were. really working like fighting a bear. gentleman I have a plan with Rachael Ray. the machines right all I need to do is. tether them together and it was ice and. by the way there's no pressure with. Showtime everyone was like no one's. gonna watch it and no one did but that. machine story went viral so then there. was like a little bit of an expectation.

when I did my next one but not much cuz. Netflix was like yeah well we'll do a. special with you they didn't say like we. want to do a special they were like. we'll do a special with you so we did. the seeger time and see what time was. the first ever successful thing I ever. did in my life. Wow where I was like there was actually. no lie that was the first successful. thing I ever did in my entire [ __ ]. career and by the way I'd been in the. business 20 years Wow and that was the. first thing I did anyone ever what. determined for you that it was.

successful I was able to sell a tour I. was able to sell I say I did secret time. and then like I mean the meet when this. machine went viral that sold out comedy. clubs for like two years two years. straight three years I could do sell it. all comedy clubs and then when I did. secret time that everyone you know your. team says alright we're gonna make the. leap to theaters and you're like I don't. really give a [ __ ] the money of comedy. clubs is just fine and then you gotta. take a hit unless you do really. successful when Sieber time came out I. just didn't have the rate. like I know I didn't know that people.

watched it I didn't know that anyone. liked it I didn't know that it was any. good I didn't I didn't have any idea. what I was doing I just did it. I did these were the thoughts I had I. hung out with Thalia Delia said no one. watched after 30 minutes is special so. for secret time based on that simple. conversation I had with Thalia I took. all the best material that I had that. had been spread throughout with a closer. I moved the closer to 22 minutes I took. anything that popped and I moved it up. front mmm like I just I front loaded the. [ __ ] out of that special huh and because.

I did people got to the closure and were. like well [ __ ] I'll watch the rest of. it mm-hmm and so that was like probably. the easiest I had no shame about it I. know you're voting the [ __ ] out of. excited n't I was like I've been failing. my whole life this is gonna fail but I'm. not gonna let it fail I'm gonna just. swing every attempt I get I'm gonna. swing for the fences and try to get it. succeed and then it did and then this. one was like like when you say this one. was really stressful because I I was. like I'm doing I'm trying some different.

stuff I'm I'm doing the stuff that I do. well like talk about my daughters. talking about my wife talking about my. family talking about being a bad dad. about drinking we got an adventure story. like I'd do all the things but then I. was like I would watch comics that I. loved. dude the exact same thing that they had. done in the previous special meaning. like keep riding the same pony same. exact same horse another change I never. changed in it and a bum me out so I was. like in my head silently I go I thought. you were better than that but then long. I thought you were better than me and I.

know I wouldn't do that and BRR was like. [ __ ] you know BRR BRR Rogan or two. dudes that have said throw away things. to me that I've hung my [ __ ] hat on. Wow. verse at one time if you something. effective if you're not challenging. yourself then you're not getting better. and if you're not getting better then. why would anyone want to watch you hmm. so I legit challenge myself I said I. said I talked to stand out and Stanhope. who says it was he was like he was. drinking one morning and he I was like.

what are you doing he goes I'm writing a. knock-knock jokes. I don't what he's a camera and goofs man. like just goofs. you know I'm [ __ ] around I'm not. writing material I'm just just you know. working with my work in his brain yeah. getting the brain to. yeah do something he's like where's. funny as those guys right we gotta be as. funny as those guys I was like yeah he. said there's no way they're funnier than. we were we're funny so why can't we. write knock-knock jokes huh yeah why not. and then I started getting obsessed with. noir MacDonald he's a guy that could. write a knock-knock joke like he's a guy. yeah who could take a standard structure.

joke and then and then make it now me. I'll speak I'll speak only for me but I. think all of us me you segura like our. group of guys D'Elia. Santino ever all while all of us we do. what we do in our own way and but it's. not traditional stand-up right and I'm. not gonna get I'm not gonna go into that. like go into like I'm gonna do. traditional stand-up I was like I got. would like to challenge myself to write. a guy walks into a bar joke yeah. and so I did it and I think it's good. and I think it's probably the best joke. I've ever written but I don't think.

you'd know it's a guy walks into a bar. joke until if I unless I told you and. then you go oh [ __ ]. and so and like so I did I did that I. tried to do this thing about this gun. bit which i think is one of the better. bits I've ever I've seen that I've see I. believe that I've seen a sight seen. either but at the Comedy Store man yeah. I thought it was so good yeah and so I. just try to challenge myself and if I. succeeded then I'm break but if I didn't. then if I didn't you still got the stuff. you loved what I did and I think these I. think I look how it's the exactly you. said about your special that's how I.

feel right now I'm super proud of this. [ __ ] thing but like you don't know. yeah I don't want to be like some guy. that's like and who would I be if I yeah. I think there's a there's definitely a. thing of learning to be proud of things. and then there's also a thing of. constantly okay how do i how am I gonna. challenge myself again where am I gonna. move the bar am I gonna stay in this. safe take a look at where you've. challenged yourself like I heard a joke. that you threw away the other day and I. thought old Theo Sartre someone's.

telling me this joke it was a throwaway. I brought it up to you and he's like oh. yeah whatever. and I thought old Theo would have hung. his hat on that joke and that would have. been his act and that would have been he. was had every night on stage where you. are today because you've challenged. yourself and taken [ __ ] big strides. now you're [ __ ] where you're at in. stand-ups next [ __ ] level but you got. it we always challenge ourselves when. are you we were younger yeah always. think about it if you stayed where you. were an open mic or and you were like. I'm getting laughs that's what I'll do. we. and we know those guys yeah then they. stayed here the whole time but instead. some guys you get those laughs in over.

mics you're like I'm actually better. than those cheap laughs I got this yeah. the cheap laughs scare me now cuz. sometimes I want to tell a joke I don't. know something new to do yeah and I'm in. but don't say too much but I want to do. something new and I'll be like man. there's a couple of cheap jokes that I. really like that yeah five eight years. ago I'd have been like oh definitely now. I'm like I just can't do that it's not. gonna make me feel good. dude when we work together in in San. Francisco and you sat down and you told. like a solid eight minute story about.

that Mexican man that went to school. with you oh yeah I'm on the floor you. would have never had the balls to do. that in I was like eight hundred people. you would never had the balls to do that. when you first started but you. challenged yourself and challenge. yourself and I think we have to keep. doing that as comics when we do specials. we can't just go well secret time worked. let me just do a carbon copy of that. change out the punch lines but same. structure a structure works yeah why.

wouldn't I do that again well I think. it's I think it's you know and I might. be thinking way too much about it I know. that many pine guys like real gonna. probably like dude just be funny bird. birds birds even after all birds advice. he'd be like bro just be funny. remember that's like the rule yeah if. you don't to be you don't have to. [ __ ] sit here like a workout they. have to save the world would enough to. yeah you have to be funny. yeah but also at a certain point you. have to make yourself laugh to are you. yeah you have to are you just not gonna. care about it it is not gonna be unless. you're a joke writer if you're a.

storyteller than I think it's different. you know I think we're storytellers and. I think we take people places and yeah a. good storyteller you you gotta like you. gotta figure out new ways I mean the way. you're telling stories now man no one's. doing it like you and and thanks man. what's the truth and everyone talks. about it [ __ ] everyone talks about it. and but but you didn't just show up with. that you had to work there right and so. why would you ignore that why would you. go okay I'm here I'm done I'll just do. this for the right I'll do this exact. same thing for the rest of my life but.

do you ever think like oh I'm gonna be. stuck do you ever think though that I'm. gonna be stuck here like I'm just gonna. be able to do this or do you think like. okay I will continue to evolve do you. ever just wonder for yourself like will. I continue to evolve I think everybody. kind of wonders that like I would always. the gas tank gonna run out you know I. feel like that goes well cuz you know I. get in my own way it's like excited. travel channel for so long and then when. I got out of traffic channel I was like. I was I found success in podcasting and. stand-up and that was it and I went [ __ ].

it I'm done and I literally turned a. middle finger to everyone in Hollywood. and they'd be like hey we want to do. this I would pass oh well you do this. pass and then everyone came at me with. the project and I passed on everything. and then one day I went I like I like I. remember someone got like a movie I mean. Tom did a movie maybe or something I. only say Tom's I talk to him so much but. like he Tom did a movie with Marky Mark. and I was like why would you do that he. was like well you got it you got it try. any stuff and I was like what do you. mean trying to like it's it's who what's.

[ __ ] wants to be a movie with Mark. Wahlberg and he was like it's a life. experience don't you want to try [ __ ]. and then I was like oh yeah maybe I. should. maybe I should also maybe I have time to. also do other stuff mmm and then I was. like okay like I'll do is let's do a. series and so we did it we did a series. of Netflix and then I was like I was. like oh maybe we can do a sitcom I. wouldn't mind doing a sitcom and then I. started going like ham cool doing a. movie also like I'm not I can I can be. in this Lane and then do other stuff.

around I got in this mindset where I. look at you look at Rogan who's not. [ __ ] who he's our Messiah man I don't. mean that like you know maybe like he's. our guy like right he's a template he's. a template and he's put us all over and. gave us our all amazing opportunities. and every single one of us acknowledge. it but in acknowledgment you also see. that path that he carved through stone. for himself and you realize if I stay in. that path I got a great life like I can. just do podcast just to stand up do. spots at the store The Improv the. Icehouse and [ __ ] in there is room to.

grow yeah. but you can also gotta go amen I'm also. not Joe I'm not the best listener like. yeah I'm not the best interviewer I'm I. don't know what I'm maestro there no I. have no discipline honest smart I'm not. as smart like so like so like maybe I. should also try the things that I'm also. really good I'm saying that for myself. yeah myself to myself yeah oh I'm. [ __ ] I'm. a window licking ninny well yeah I'm. definitely saying that you're not as. smart but yeah we're not as smart. I'm not Jill Rogan I'll tell you that. man I found that out many times the hard.

way yeah Joe Rogan I think. there's Larry something in Moe that's. funny dude why can't wait to see it man. I haven't watched it yet but I'm looking. forward to it appreciate the last. special I watched was Jim Gaffigan I. really really loved it the one I get on. Amazon I thought was really good listen. I'd love to I love calf kids one of the. guy he's so funny he's one of the greats. man yeah but he really is let's talk. about growth he was not who he is today.

when he started hit some of my favorite. jokes his were dirty jokes like Arizona. me you ever go to you ever go back to. high school and all the kids when I call. you the nickname that called you in high. school but you grew out of it you're. like hey guys not anymore and they're. like well if it is an old sheep [ __ ]. he goes one of my favorite American. jokes he goes hey ladies you ever go to. the park on a Sunday and see that guy. walking around with his shirt off with a. snake around his neck and go man I want.

to have sex with that guy and they're. like no and he goes oh hey fellas anyone. want to buy a snake Jim Gaffigan is the. funniest [ __ ] guy alive so funny is. so [ __ ] funny and he's worked so he's. been touring for what 15 years oh he's. been dude he's been told just quit to do. movies I watched his most recent movies. movies don't even know movies alter just. won't where he killed the baby no I. didn't see a little more ease the uber.

driver that wouldn't have to worry baby. oh I didn't notice the baby part is that. a big part the baby died it's good man. it's almost the whole thing super babied. he put some trash away quickly. cried oh it was great man he was in. Super Troopers was he yeah they talked. about it they said he flew in on a. private jet came in shot his scene. walked off it was super cool walked off. got in his private jet one pack and they. were like thank you.

yeah damn dude hey I gotta be honest. with you man to end this podcast. as a fan of your since day one you know. I've been a day one fan yeah [ __ ]. love watching you blow up man no thanks. [ __ ] fun I'm so [ __ ] fun. you make me giggle so hard I was telling. you you and that Tommy Lauren and. [ __ ] interview I want you in CJ I I. love your podcast you're killing it bro. you're killing it well thanks for just. being so supportive man and thanks for. just yeah like being supportive over the. years and being like you know just kind. of a leader in this whole industry I.

mean you do the same thing you know you. work really hard and you mean you're one. of the guys to that I think a lot of. people think about like oh this guy. works so hard you know I think we're all. put thank this will be the the next few. weeks will be the test of like let's see. you can work the hardest cuz I know we. got it we got to produce something we're. all doubling down on podcast maybe write. a script or [ __ ] shoot some [ __ ] who. knows I would be great if all of us did. a project together it seems like if we. wrote something and just funded. something ourselves. dang it I would love like a big almost.

like DC cab yeah remember DC cab I don't. remember it at all it was great Charlie. Barnet was in it mr. t was in it Bill. Maher was in it. oh so [ __ ] great it was about a cab. company I see something that would be. great I thought of like a wrestling. league like it's sputtering out and it's. like the last legs of it the last few. wrestlers were yes the last few. wrestlers are us and it's just the dying. last couple of fights we get a wig for. Rogan and he's got long stringy balding. hair oh that would be great I like that.

Joey Diaz is a manager tremendous some. [ __ ] wrestling league we're all just. beating Bobby Lee oh that's not a bad. script Oh be so good I have anyone heard. that let's make that movie yeah somebody. wants to fund yeah somebody want to come. in with a two million dollar budget man. we can get that thing made yeah well. maybe not wood made totally because we. can't be around each other in groups of. ten but what if we did a movie where. people all have to be six feet away from. each other during the shooting of it ooh.

we'll call it ski school okay I think I. think. Pricer let me - man congrats on the new. specially and congrats on all your. effort and work and thanks for being. here today. [Music].

[Music]. little town for me to slap that pocket. break myself. [Music].

[Music]. [Music].