Baby Me | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #626

I want to say that we have new. collegiate gang gang hoodies that have. just dropped. Two new colorways. plus stuff from the return of the rat. tour if you missed merchandise out there. on that tour. I think we still have some. remaining that's available there. All of. that at the theovonstore.com. and thank you guys for all of the. support. Love y'all. All right. Oh, [sighs]. here we are.

Here we are. Thanksgiving. It's Thanksgiving time. It's seasonal. I. want to wish a happy Thanksgiving to. everyone. I know there are some people out there. that are not. probably ecstatic about it. And I'm going to say who it is really. fast so it's not you know, I don't want. there to be like the um. the elephant in the room or whatever. But. Native Americans. So and I know.

that everything that happened with the. with those with the beautiful indigena. indigenous indigen indigenous. uh people. The original people of this land. Um. and I know that. if you know, that the things that. happened to them were not fair and. that's that but and not that not that's. not that that's not that. Um but yeah, anyway, I don't know why I brought it.

up. I just. I feel weird if you're saying happy. Thanksgiving and then somebody's. indigenous and they're like, well. so I just wanted to honor those people. Um and say look. You know, our bad or whatever. I didn't. do it. Somebody did it and um and I hope. we catch them. I'll tell you this if we. ever get a time machine to go back in. time. and catch the people that are coming. here.

I will enlist. I will go. I will be. happy to go. Um but yeah, we just have to we have to. live where we are. and the country is you know, all of existence is kind of stacked on. sin. >> [clears throat]. >> Excuse me. Yeah, the history of time is. just stacked on sin, right? Things get. stacked on sin. over time and that's and you know, and. mistakes and accidents and. um. let's eat. That's where we're at. So anyway, it's.

the time of year to finally sit down. with people. And eat. And get you a little something. I like to stare somebody right in the. eyes and say pass that [ __ ] cut. Pass that sweet potato souffle. I want that. Pass that bacon garlic bread. God, don't you want some garlic bread. right now?

This. this this goes out to just anybody right. now. Anybody anywhere. I don't care if. you are incarcerated. I don't care if you're working a double. I don't care if you're in a coma but. somebody put some. headphones on you. Don't you want some. garlic bread? God, I want that. I love dude, I love garlic bread. And. even if people make it like bad I like.

bad garlic bread. Sometimes you go to a restaurant and. they have the focaccia or whatever. I don't give a [ __ ] about the focaccia. I want garlic ass bread. I don't care if. somebody I don't care if it's some [ __ ]. and. she just has a like she has a. you know, even if she just has a spoon. and she puts a little. just like some trap house. cook. She just has a spoon with a little. bit of bread in it. Puts a little butter. on it, little garlic and then just cooks.

it with a lighter under the spoon like. that. I don't care if she you know. and then she puts that [ __ ] in a crack. pipe and we smoke it. Dude, all I'm. saying is. bro, garlic bread is so good. Underrated. It's the bacon of breads. I'll go ahead and say that. [ __ ] is. fire. But I do want to say happy Thanksgiving. everybody. Um I want to say thank you to. everybody that bid in the charity jersey. auction.

Uh we had a series of jerseys that were. given to us in certain cities along the. um last comedy tour. and we got to auction all those off. um and we raised about $40,000 for a. local um. rehabilitation place called Cumberland. Heights and. that's going to go towards helping. people get um. recovery. Helping subsidize the recovery cost for. people. So uh thank you so much. If you.

even listen to this podcast or if you. have and you're like, I feel like I. haven't done anything this year. I. haven't you were a part of this. So. that's on behalf of us that we make that. donation and um. and then we all made a donation last. week to the Gary Sinise Foundation. So. that was really great. So um if yeah, I. just want everybody out there to feel. like uh we're doing that sort of thing. together and um. and yeah, that's how I feel about it. So. thank you. You know, what a blessing to know that. people are going to be able to get some.

help. Um. what have I been thinking about? You know. it's you know, it's a. there's a you know, it's just a there's. a it's a wild time in the in the in the. world and it's feels like it's happened. fast, you know. Just a wild time. And it's like who are we and where are. we going? What does the future look. like? Um. and I think it's times like this I'm.

realizing you kind of have to just lock. back into like things that are most. important, you know? Cuz if you get caught up in a lot of the. info, it's gets gets kind of. you know. you're sitting there at Thanksgiving. you're staring across the table at. somebody. And they're just like, do you want the. baked beans? And you're like. I think I know who killed Charlie. Parker. There was a second shooter. There was 12 Israelis out front. Just. you know, it can get deep. You got to be.

careful there. Somebody's like, do you. want the baked beans? And you're like, not if you think we. [ __ ] landed on the moon, I don't. I'm like, okay. All right. Get your own sides then. Um. yeah, there's there's it's just a lot of. there's so much a lot of conspiracies. out there and and they're not even. conspiracies a lot of them anymore. They're all coming true and so you know, as we go it is this wild time where. we're kind of going through this. It. feels like this awakening where.

you know, I mentioned it on Joe Rogan's. show where it was like. you know, the video game and like. there's the the. you know, there's like. uh Mario or um Link or. um. and suddenly like you're you're playing. with the character. You're controlling. them but suddenly the character just. comes over to the front of the screen. and just looks right at you. And it's like, hey, who's controlling.

me? And that's when the controllers are like. [ __ ]. So that's just I feel like we're in just. an interesting space there. And I think instead of like I think you. you there can be fear about it but there. also can be excitement about it. But no. matter which. which like. which cup you're putting your straw in. at the moment, fear excitement, I do. believe that uh. there is. the fact that around the holidays.

or around anytime. that that. the one thing you have to lock into even. more is um. things that are real. Things that are. tangible in your world. Your family, your your friends, familiarity. You know, connecting with people. And I wrote me a little list. We have. some great calls that came in from. people. Um. I wrote me a little list here. Uh. of things that I enjoy.

about life. Some little things that I. enjoy. And if you want to call in we'll. we'll. we'll put some of these up next year. Just. and they can just be brief things. And you can even text them as well. Um. uh you can go to the website theovon.com. and there's a ways on there where you. can contact the podcast. But some things. that I like about life, small things. Accidentally touching someone's leg that. you don't know very well.

Now it's weird. You know, it's kind of. weird how it you know, you might be. sitting somewhere at a movie theater. You drop something. You drop um. a lip balm or you drop a. um. you know couple grams or whatever. Whatever. I don't know how you you know, I don't know. I don't but what I don't. know what you do. But whatever you drop. some uh um. you know, a couple Funyuns or whatever. And you're like, oh I'm getting those. [ __ ] but it's dark in the theater. So. you reach down there to get them and.

bam, you touch somebody's leg. You. didn't really see it. And it's weird because you don't know. them. They don't know you don't know. each other. But you've touched their leg and. that's weird and [ __ ]. Uh but there's something unique about. it. There's something very human about. it. Um what else? Petting a cat. If you're petting a cat and it strikes. at you like that. And you call it a little [ __ ] I like. that. If you are ever somebody's like, "Oh,

this is my cat. This is Cheryl or. whatever." Or this is Aunt Cheryl. I had. a friend his cat name his cat His cat. was named Aunt Cheryl. And I'm like, "Okay, so I'm not going to be friends. with this guy too long, but um. But he'd be like, "Oh, don't you want to. pet my Don't you want to pet Aunt. Cheryl?" And. uh. And at first I was like, "No, I do not. want I do not want to." But he's like He. kept kind of giving me the like. He kept like giving me like the um. I guess the warm shoulder. He kept like.

wanting me to do it. You know, if like I guess that's called. warm shouldering. What is cold. shouldering? Cold. Oh, yeah, intentionally cold or. unsympathetic treatment. So, yeah, this. is This guy was giving me more like the. He's kind of warm shouldering me and be. like, "Oh, don't you know, don't you. want to pet Aunt Cheryl?" And. uh And I didn't want to pet I didn't. want to pet Aunt Cheryl. And then finally I was like, "All right, I'll pet Aunt Cheryl.".

And I go to pet this cat. I pet one time. and I don't pet. I don't pet more than two times usually. Cuz if you do if you keep doing that. you know what I'm saying? Somebody's. going to [ __ ] get active, you know? Somebody's going to get activated in. their body. So, I pet one and I go for. the second pet and the [ __ ] cat, Aunt. Cheryl, strikes me. Like that. And I was like, "This little. bitch." And. uh anyway. I don't like it when that happens, but I.

also do respect it. It's a unique thing. about life. And so I'm grateful for that. I'm. grateful for the times that I get to pet. a cat and it strikes at me and I call it. a. little [ __ ]. That's something I like. Oh, showing up. for a loved one. That's number three. That's one thing I really really enjoy. Um. showing up for a loved one. That's important. Um making loud noises around your.

grandmother because she is hard of. hearing. And you can do that. You can You know, it's very rare you can. be around someone and. rattle off a loud slur, right? And it can be a racial slur, it can be. non-racial if you want. I mean, we know. which ones are more fun. But. that can be exciting if the person can't. hear, but you're right there with them. Cuz it's very rare you can do that. But that's something I'm grateful for. Um.

burying something somewhere that no one. will ever know about. And some people are like, "What do you. mean? What are you talking about?". But go do it. Get you a shovel. Get you. a trowel. Which is just a little baby shovel. Um. And they should just call it a baby. shovel. You know. Uh. And get something. Get a little. something. Get you Get an earrings. Get a set of. earrings. Get a. Um.

Get a uh. little sack of. underpants or whatever. Whatever. Get. something. Get a uh yeah, get a bag of. hair. Get a you know, pair of earrings. Get. um. you know, get a thing of. Get a little. uh. Just get something. You know what things. are. Get something, right? Get something. and then go just bury it somewhere. Bury it somewhere. Don't tell anybody. Always fun. Uh calling the cops on someone.

There's nothing more fun than that. People kind of. poo-poo it or whatever. I love it. I used to live next door I. used to live under a guy over here on. Claiborne Avenue in New Orleans, bro. And his family they were. uh. Baltic. or Russian or Euro They was like. you know, they was I don't know. You. could hear some women kind of It felt. like there was some abuse up there. sometimes. And they would and they were heavy set.

They had them big fatty calves, you know. what I'm saying? Big [ __ ] knees. I. mean, God. Like this dude had to spray. WD-40 on his knees or whatever to get. them [ __ ] to go. You know, he was He. just had them. God, baby, them leg knuckles, homie. This [ __ ] had all was all. all knees. He had knees in his damn. arms. He was just big bone like that. Anyway, I would call the police a lot. I'd be like, "Hey, there's They have a. gun upstairs." That's what I would say. Did they have it? I don't know. But the. police get there quick. If you say, "Oh,

there's some guy with big knees upstairs. who's causing a lot of [ __ ] maybe. abusing people." They don't come, dude. But you say that. you know, big dog up there. some [ __ ] European construction. worker up there has got that pew pew on. him. Bam. 11 minutes they're over. And then I. take off my shirt when I talk to the. cops in the yard. That's where I'm from. And I think that's how you learn a lot. about people. How do you talk to the.

cops in your front yard? Shirt on? Shirt off? I go shirt off. >> [snorts]. >> Um. But those are little things about life. that are kind of exciting. Riley Mao. Yes, sir. What is something that you are kind of. grateful for this year? A little thing. in the world that Like is there a moment. or something in the world that makes you. feel some gratitude? Um. Yeah, I mean.

you know, I just uh there's there's a. new. new thing coming at the end of this. year. There's a new thing coming up? Yeah, that I'm grateful for. That you're. grateful for? And it It's not here yet, you're saying? Not yet. And good to hear your voice, brother. Have you been taking uh voice. lessons or something? You just sound. more comfortable in your skin. No, just talking more. Okay. Um And what is a What is a.

You're saying there's something else. there's something on the way that's. coming. What is it? Um Or can you share it? Yeah, yeah. I've. got a got a little baby coming along the. way. YEAH, DANG. YOU HAVE a huge You have a baby coming? I do. Oh my gosh. Bro. Unreal, dude. Congratulations, man.

Thank you. Oh my gosh, bro. Dude, I remember when you hadn't even um. come out of your own nuts or whatever. Remember that? Yeah. Wow. And now you're like, "I'll show them.". Wow, dude. I'm going to make this skeet. grow up. That's a That's crazy, dude. Um Does. everybody know about this? Uh yeah, we made a post about it. Man.

I'm sorry, dude. I've really I mean, it's selfish. I've. been caught up in my own universe, I. think. Um. But man, I want to hear more about this. And is this with the woman that you are. um still uh involved with? Yes. Oh, wow. So cool, man. Um. Well, okay. Well, I want to get back to you on that. I'm. going to finish out this list. Are there. a Is there anything that you can think. of outside of this future baby coming? And is it a male or female? Do you know?

Have y'all looked at it? It's a male. [ __ ]. Amen, brother. God. God has got you, man. I want to We can even pray about it. right now. Do you care if we pray about. it for a second? Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it, man. God, we just want to thank you today. Um. you know, in times where we're uncertain. about things and where we. it feels like it's tough to get a. foothold that sometimes our sense of.

purpose wanes uh based on our society. that uh that you can remind us. that there are are important things in. the world. Um. God, we want to thank you so much for. giving Riley. um. a chance to be a father. You know, when I met Riley he was barely. He hadn't even had any. uh. same I'm going to say it fast so it's.

not cuz we're we are in a prayer. He. hadn't even had any semen come out of. his body. And here he is just. serving blast sauce and just having it. grow up into something beautiful. And we want to lift this child up to. you, God, before it's even here. Uh And. what's the name of the child, Riley? Uh. We haven't announced it yet. Okay. God, we want to lift up this unannounced. child to you that at this point is still. just a batch of semen and egg. Um.

that uh. that you make that you are helping. uh. cultivate and moisturize. Um And so we. just want to lift that up to you, God, and say thank you for reminding us what. is purposeful and that we can find. purpose in family. Riley uh amen. Amen. Do you feel like this is giving. you a sense of purpose, Riley? I do. Wow. I'm so excited for you, man. And I'm. also just like I mean.

It's just That's what's important. That's what's important, man. I'm going. to rattle off a few other things. If you. can think of something small, Riley, we're going to get back to you and talk. about this in a few seconds cuz I want. to um we have questions that we're going. to get to from the hotline. Uh. Some other things that people enjoy. doing. Um. Oh, on my list was getting engaged. That. was one. That's a fun, beautiful thing. where when you see that moment of. somebody getting engaged, it really. means something.

Um. did that happen as well for you, Riley? Not yet. Okay. So, you're having a child out of wedlock. currently? Yep. Okay. So, we are stacking sin, brother. It's. okay. But hey, you're trying, right? You're figuring it out. Here's. something, painting something and then. realizing you can't paint for [ __ ] That. uh that happens to me a lot. You know, I'll [snorts] sit down with a. kid or a niece or nephew or something. I'll want to draw something and be like, let's draw. I'll be like, okay, let's.

draw. And. um. and we'll start drawing and be like, ah. [ __ ] I still can't draw. I can't draw for [ __ ] I never could. I. can't paint for [ __ ]. But and that's a weird moment, but it's. still a moment that I appreciate about. life. There's something oddly kind of. nice about it. Because it's very real. Um so, those are some things that I. uh some feelings that I've enjoyed and. and over the years and those are little. things that I like to lock back in on. that make me feel.

alive and purposeful. Um. and. uh. and you have a lot of those, I'm sure, you know. You have a lot of those. You want to. name one, Riley? Anything else that. comes to your mind? Um. Not that I could think of. Yep. I knew. I knew that. Look, I've been jocking some new unders,

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and fortunately, he also had a life. insurance policy. You know, cuz you want to be able to. make sure that uh just tuition, um child. care costs, a mortgage if you have one, things like that that your family will. be able to go on with some comfort. And. that's where Ethos comes in. Ethos is an online platform that makes. getting life insurance fast and easy to. protect your family's future in minutes, not months. There's no complicated process. It's. 100% online. No medical exam required.

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Application times may vary. Rates may. vary. Yeah, um oh, before we move on, tomorrow. we're putting out a special episode with. Mike Rowe. And it's all um about uh. focusing on companies that make products. in America. And some of them are very. small and some of them are a little bit. bigger and have more history. But we. wanted to. you know, a lot of stuff isn't made here. anymore. And we all get kind of stuck. where we have to buy things from these.

big conglomerates and and that's okay. Maybe that's how it will always be. But we were thinking, well, if we could. buy stuff from our fellow Americans, then we can support them, right? So, yeah, it was just kind of this pipe. dream where. uh yeah, I'd rather buy something from. you. Because then I get what I want and you. get uh my money. And so, then if we do that, then we just. need each other.

Um so, we we started looking at some. companies. There were there were there. were more we could have done, but we. tried to do the best we could. It was. kind of like last minute putting it. together. Uh but that episode will come out this. week and if you want want to watch. through and support some of those cool, and if not, that's okay, too. Uh but. thank you to all the companies that. submitted uh those American originals um. products. And and we even made a page. It's uh theovon.com/americanoriginals. and you'll be able to go there and just. see what all of them are. Um so, yeah,

just really happy that uh we got to do. something like that. Um oh, my friend Sebastian Maniscalco. has a new special coming out on Hulu. and uh somebody sent a clip of that. So, we can take a look at that right here. Let's give it a watch. Is anybody getting up in the morning. refreshed? Does anybody get out OF BED GOING, "WOW, I HAD A GREAT SLEEP.".

I GET UP, I FEEL WORSE THAN WHEN I WENT. TO BED. I'm like, did I sleep last night? What. the hell happened? I'm waking up my wife with the sounds. coming out of my body. 3:00 in the morning, she's like, "Are. you eating potato chips?".

That's my knees extending onto the floor. for my ninth piss. Go back to bed, babe. I didn't bring a can of Pringles into. the bed. Speaking of going to the bathroom, I. took my son to the bathroom at a. restaurant and I was watching him go. I. was jealous at the strength of his. stream. He was chipping porcelain off. the back of the bowl. Oh, yeah. And I have I yeah, I'll I'll. so I will say that. If I'm in a public.

place, I will wait to go urinate before. I go. I will let it build up. I will do. you know, I will save up. I'll go I will. let it build until I'm really big. bagging and then I'll go in there cuz I. want to and I'll pee straight into the. water as fast as I can. Um. so that people are like, dang, this. guy's really he got that PSI on him, you. know? You feel me, player? Let's hear. more here from Sebastian. I get up in. the middle of the night and when I go to.

the bathroom, it's two streams. I need two toilets now. I'M PISSING. MIST. >> [music]. >> I'M PISSING MIST. YEAH, uh. this guy, right? That's a Seba- like. >> [gasps]. >> this guy. this guy, you know? Like Sebastian, like like if he saw a. ghost or something, he'd be like.

reporting it to the police. He'd be. like, "Yeah, officer, you know, this guy, he he's not a guy. you can't see him, you know? He's a the guy's a [ __ ] ghost, you know? And the ghost, you know, he's. wearing like. you know? And I'm like looking and I. he doesn't even have any footprints. Then guy.

That would be good. Yeah, he's reporting. a go- like, yeah, officer. >> [cough]. [clears throat]. >> The guy the guy, he's a you know, he's. not he's a guy, but he's not a guy. You feel me? He's a guy. the guy. You know what I'm saying? He. used to be a guy. He's a ghost. And the officer's like, "Excuse me, what. are you trying to He he's like, "I'm.

telling you, the guy used to be a guy.". Uh yeah, I don't know. That's Sebastian. Maniscalco reporting a ghost. I don't. know. I don't know what I'm doing. Who. does? Um. but yeah. There you go. Watch Sebastian. Maniscalco, It Ain't Right. That's what it's called. Now streaming. on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+ for bundle. subscribers. Um. yeah, I want to support my guy there. Uh so, blessings to you, Sebastian,

always being supportive, uh being brave, going out and doing some. movies, different things that he wants. to do over the years. Uh I admire that guy. I admire that guy. I got to work on. that. That is one of the best though. There's so many people that do so many. great uh Sebastian impersonations and. just like you see like couples in his. audience and stuff like that, and. there's something pretty magical about. uh his crowd and his fan base. We got. some calls that came in. The holidays.

Here's one that came in right here. Let's hit it. Hey Theo. This is Bailey and I'm 23. Um What's up, Bailey? And. thank you for being uh. alive and calling in. Onward. And I was. just calling to just tell people that. like [ __ ] does get better. Um this time. last year around Thanksgiving, I was in. a psych ward. You know, I got the I got. the BPD uh.

and it's like tough to come to terms. with and just. >> Wait, she got the what? Let me hear it. again. I was in a psych ward. You know, I got. the I got the BPD uh What is BPD? Riley, are you familiar with that? I am not. Okay. You think you could create some familiar. familiarity with it? Pretty quickly somehow over there? BPD is borderline personality disorder.

Okay. There we go. I didn't know it and thank. you, sir. Onward. And it's like tough to come to terms. with and just dealing with depression, but. I don't know, man. You don't notice it like right away, but. suddenly like it kind of lifts and I'm. almost a year later and turning 24 and. I don't know, man. Like it feels cool to. live and I've just really enjoyed. listening to your podcast and you're. just such a light, man. And.

I really appreciate you. And you just. say some of the. craziest [ __ ] and it always makes my. day. Well, thank you, Theo. Everybody, [ __ ] gets better even if you can't see. it right now. I think there's a purpose in life and it. will work out. just the way it needs to even if you. can't see it right now. So, let me just. like tell you all that. Bye. Amen. Wow, that's very profound. I could hear. a lot of the joy in your voice, too.

Yeah, it's like almost like Well, thank. you right there even just that statement. like it work You know, like. even if I just let your words be my. glasses for a minute, you know, out of. my own eyes I can't see that this going. to be different. But if I can take your. words of experience right there. and put them on my face for a second, I. could I could see oh, there's so much possibility There's. there is a different. there is something different, you know? So, that's kind of like.

um. yeah, that's I guess what people's words and. encouragement can do for you. And sharing your testimonial on. something. But I'm so happy for you. Uh. I'm so happy for you, Bailey, that you hung in there. I love this part. This part really made. me feel something right in here. Let me. play it again. tough to come to terms with and just. dealing with depression, but. I don't know, man. You don't notice it like right away, but.

suddenly like it kind of lifts and I'm. almost a year later and turning 24 and. I don't know, man. Like it feels cool to. live and I've. >> go. That's cool. Yeah. Oh, that's another great feeling, huh? When it feels cool to live, dude. When you see two people with big bellies. that are hugging each other kind of or. like kind of God, I love that. When you. see them [ __ ] first those bellies. touch and then they touch each other. with their arms. [ __ ] I love that. We had some neighbors at our first.

apartment complex. and they were bellied up. I mean, these. [ __ ] had some [ __ ] fronts on them, you know? And we people in our area were poor. And. so, if you saw somebody had a little bit. extra body on them, you almost. you were kind of [ __ ] jealous cuz you. knew they'd been eating and they'd been. you know, snacking or whatever and doing. ice creams at night. It was like, no. judgement. You know, I would look damn emaciated as. a child. And so, uh but God, you'd see some of them. thickers and you'd be like, damn, boy.

These thickers out here, they really. they showing off, you know? Cuz if everybody's hungry and. you walking around and you stoutening. about. and you got a little sack of. uh. you know, cheese nuggets or whatever in. your pocket and [ __ ] at all time, baby, then people going to question things, you know? And the one dude, he would always keep a. little thing of bacon bits on him and. he'd [ __ ] sprinkle them [ __ ] in. his hand and put a couple in his mouth.

cuz he liked having that hit of meat on. his tongue. Um anyway, but yeah, them bacon bits You ever You. ever. You ever have any bacon bits, Riley Mau? I have. What you think of them, baby? I think they're pretty good. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, big. dog. Uh what was I talking about? I don't. know. What were we just talking about, Riley? Do you remember? I do not.

Unreal, man. Good to see you again as. always, dude. Uh. I had just I just played this freaking. and I said we're having a great time and. then. uh. [ __ ] I don't know. But thank you, Bailey, for that calling in. and just reminding us that things get. better and that that we are here for a. purpose. That's what I like. Putting that on my shoulders, well then. if this is what the world is, right, then what is my purpose in it?

Cuz it's still a video game and I'm. still the hero, right? That's how we. have to look at it. Right? Not in a. egotistical way, but it's like that I'm. the first player. That's what I mean. You're player one. We're all player one. for our own lives. And so, what is our. purpose, you know? What is my purpose? You know? And it's kind of nice if you. think we live in a world of good versus. evil, you know? And not that we all you know, that we all don't have part pieces of. both in us, but that.

if you fighting that you can fight for. one side. And what does that fight for. me look like? That's kind of exciting. It gives your life a little bit of. gravity. Riley Mau, let's go to you, man. Dude, I. want to say thank you so much, man. Riley. Yeah. Can you hear me? Yep. Okay. Well, didn't seem like you could, but. uh what so take me through this, man, because I remember how long ago was it. that you and I met.

and you would never even. felt that that sauce climb right out of. you, that little [ __ ] baby rocket you. got. out of that little gerbil arm you got. Yeah, we I think we met back in what, 2020? Nah. I wasn't here. I thought you were. Well, we've seen you think a lot of things. over the years, big dog, that did not pan out. But no, look.

Well, look, whatever year it was, man, when we connected, you remember you were. the space sexual. You were not even. sexually active. Right. Um and then that changed. And how did you get to the point of. fatherhood, man? Cuz you like there. really fast, it seems like. Do you feel. like that? Just. Tell me something. Yeah. Um. I. I was on tour when, you know, when On. tour with You were You were working as a. uh.

doing audio visual on tour? Correct. Okay. And then that's when she found out. So, she didn't tell me until I came back. Okay. And. um did she do a special ceremony to let. you know? No. Did she put it in a card or anything? Did she write it like, you know, a lot. of times women will. uh. you know, if they're pissed, they'll. [ __ ] write it on the front of your. house with spray paint like, it's yours, mother. You know?

Um but if they're not, sometimes they'll. put like a little picture of a baby or. something or draw a picture of a baby. with a crayon or something and put that, you know, hide it under your dinner. napkin or dinner dish. Nope. Okay, nothing, huh? Nothing. Did she look you in the eyes? Was she. vacuuming and she just stopped it for a. second and said, "Hey, we're we're you. know, we're having one." And then start. Like did she Was there any. extra curriculars involved with it? Uh no, we were just sitting down. Wow.

And how do you feel, man? Uh now I feel pretty good. Okay. At the. first At the beginning, were you scared? Yeah. What were some of your original fears, man? And thank you for sharing this with. us cuz I think a lot of people. uh go through this. I mean, we we talked. to a guy a couple of months ago and he. was saying that, you know, he was having. a child and he was very scared. Um but. yeah, tell me about that, Riley, baby.

Yeah. I mean, at first I was I was. terrified. I uh What did you do? Did you. stand up? Did you [ __ ] shake your. hands like this? Did you make a sound? Like Did you Can you take me through a. little bit of it? No, we were both just. sitting down and I was looking at her. and I was like, oh, like you're not. kidding. And she was like, no, not. kidding. I'm like, you sure? And she was like, yeah, I'm I'm pretty. sure. I'm like, oh. Okay. And did you guys make love again that. night or is it.

Not that night. Okay. But soon after, you think? Yeah. Wow, Riley. Returning to the scene of the crime, bro. Dang, dude. Riley stopping back by. to peep the skeet work, homie. Damn. That's crazy work, bro. That's unhinged, dog. Um do you guys remember the night of. conception? Was that a big night? I know. that, you know, whenever we'd spoken.

last, I think you'd probably had sex I. think almost six times. And is did that. was this a special evening at all when. you guys look back on it? Had you guys. been out to hear any music? Had you. heard some, you know, had you been to. the YoungBoy show? Had you been to. listen to some Ella Langley? Had you um. you know, [clears throat] uh. I know that um Dermot Kennedy had also. played recently. Um was there anybody uh. that you guys had listened to some. >> Um no, it wasn't like that. I will say.

it was on April 1st. Wow. So, Riley popping in, huh? Yeah. With that Chinese chop work on. [ __ ] April Fools' Day. Do you think that is a risky day to. ejaculate into somebody? Now I do. Big facts, homie. Big facts.

Riley freaking ejaculating. Damn, homie. God. I remember when you were just a little. [ __ ] magic lamp, bro. Just waiting to. bust. I was afraid to even actually bump. into you. Figured the semen would just fly out of. your eyes. Cuz you were so full and you'd never. even ejaculate or whatever. God, baby. Praise God. >> [snorts]. >> And now, and have you seen photos of you. sure you guys are having a child? Yeah. And is there a short list of names even.

a few names? Uh I think we finally. narrowed it down. Can you give us one letter that's in the. name? M. Ooh. Can I have one guess even if you don't. tell me if it's right? Yeah. Mark. Good guess. But you're not telling me if it's right, huh? Nope. Yeah.

And you can Is there Yeah, I don't know. if you can Mark is kind of It's a great. name. My friend I have a friend named. Mark. He's doing pretty good, I think. Um. Well, I want you to think of a couple of. things like I want I'm I'm going to come. back to this right after we're going to. jump into another call right here, okay? Here's one here right here, call that. came in. Hi Theo, it's Anna. Hey, Anna. Thank you for calling. Um and blessings to you this time of. year, my love. Ain't onward? I'm just calling because, you know, the.

holidays are coming up, Thanksgiving, Christmas for all who celebrate. And uh. anyways, I hate my family. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that is uh. that is a. that's a thing. That's a thing. I hate saying it out loud, but. I hate them. They're so mean to me. Mm.

And I have no one to celebrate with. And I'm just sad, man. I'm just so sad about it. And I don't know if you've ever had. problems with your family, but. it just sucks. So, anyways, I figured I'd just. send this voicemail because I don't. know. I just wanted to. Bye, Theo. Bye, Ann. Was it Ann or Anna? I'm sorry. Do you remember, Riley?

Hi Theo, it's Anna. Um. >> [gasps and sighs]. >> Well, Anna, thanks for calling in and. just letting us know. Sometimes you have. to say something, you know? Sometimes. you have to say something. Sometimes you have to say stuff. I hate my family. I don't give a [ __ ] I think somebody's. a wizard. [ __ ] you. Piece of [ __ ].

Those are five things I just said that. were inside of me. Sometimes if you do. that, you rattle off five things and you. just make it every other second you put. a finger up and you have to say them no. matter what. You know? Start that when Riley started with I. hate my family and do four others right. after. See what comes out of you. Uh. uh. Just try it. There's no right or wrong.

I love my girlfriend. We have to start with I hate my family. We're not saying we hate our families. We're just saying we're we're we're. supporting Ann. All right. I hate my family. I love my girlfriend. This podcast is great. Come on, you're thinking too hard. Let. it out. >> [gasps]. >> UH. [ __ ]. LET IT OUT, [ __ ]. Uh Say it! Uh.

uh. Whatever. It's all good, man. You do your best. Was that the best you could do? Yeah. Okay. That's all right, man. I think you're. still in your head about it, but. sometimes just letting those feelings. out. And yeah, I could definitely relate. Look, I'll tell you some things, though, Anna. We'll say this, there's times. where I didn't like my family, but the. truth was I'm the problem. You know? Now, if they're so mean to you, that's. one thing. But I I had times in in my life where.

I'm the problem. Oh, I don't want to go. to that. Why? Cuz I don't want to be. uncomfortable. Well, if I already know you know, now if it's. true that I'm all it's on like they're I. they're mean to me and they are. you know, if they put on heavy gloves. and tickle me or they do something bad. or call me dirty baby or something or. [ __ ] write racial [ __ ] on my car or. whatever. Yeah, that's [ __ ] up. But if. they're just, you know, being family and. stuff and. you know, I don't know.

Like we have to make things real. So, it's like yeah, I I got to go show. up. It's an act you know, consider it an. act of service. At least in my fam there. might be another family member that gets. to look across the table and I'm there. for them, right? And the truth is I I. I'll get more joy out of it. Because I need family. I need. connection. So, I'm not preaching at you anything. I. think I'm actually just talking to. myself out loud and. uh. but I may, you know, over the years I've.

thought I don't need that I don't need. that, you know? But. so maybe there's a way to try to work it. out for the best and if not, don't get. caught in that self-pity place. Like. right here you were saying. And I have no one to celebrate with. And. I'm just sad, man. I'm just so sad about it. Right, that that that place can get kind. of tricky like uh it's okay to feel some. sadness, but don't get so caught in it. where you're just just always just. telling people you're sad or feeling too.

sad. Like. um it's okay, but that can become like I I got. addicted in my life to self-pity. And I didn't realize it. Uh so, Ann, I hope you don't think I'm. trying to preach at you. Um and maybe I. was a little bit. I'm sorry. I'm a. little animated. Um. and. I just uh yeah, we're trying our best. though and so are you. And so that's. okay. And happy holidays to you, Ann. Um. and y'all be thinking of you.

And I'll say a nice little prayer for. you. And. and uh. and uh. happy uh Thanksgiving, Anna. And I hope. you create a moment where you find some. other friends, you know, or find some. other family. Can you know, you don't have to do it all, but make. sure Yeah, try to have some sense of. connection out there even if you're just. holding a puppy or you're doing. something looking at animals online. You know, just don't isolate too much, I. think. If you can help it.

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What's up, Cage? Over there from North. Carolina. Thank you for calling, Happy holidays. Onward. Um me and my old lady, we got a little. boy and we're trying to have another. baby and we you know we're pregnant and. we went to the doctor, we're having two. of them [ __ ] We're having. twins and it's two little girls. We got. a boy and now it's just. I'm just asking what kind of advice you. think you can give me. I don't know. We. ain't got no girls or nothing. It's. going to be two babies at once, so.

what's your thoughts and what's some. advice you can give me? Thank you, man. Amen, brother. Thank you, brother. And. thank you for calling in, man. Um. congratulations, I would say right. there. That's what I would say. Riley Mau, what. would you say to this fellow? Uh I would say congratulations. And what advice would you have for him. or what fears do you have here with even. one coming in cuz y'all are running one. and this fellow's uh. he's got that side-by-side going.

Um. >> [sighs and gasps]. >> I mean it's. you know, just get ready. And there you go, right there. I'll tell you right there, sir Cage. I. don't And you you know people know this. and blessings to you and your family, but I don't believe in twins, right? I've never had believed in twins. I don't kind of believe in some of that. that wizardry, you know? That you know, I don't believe in some of the trickery. and wizardry of uh of the darker realms.

Um. but. you guys are having twins and you guys. are going to be owner owner-operators of. twins. And so I support that. You know, I support you. And I want your children to be happy, of. course, you know. Um. you know, but I've yeah, I've seen a lot. of stuff happening there that can get. out get out there that can get pretty. wild. where twins will keep secrets. Um.

there was that twin that had that twin. baby. There's a video of it that can. whistle. You know, [ __ ] is 4 months old. Mitch. is whistling. Dogs are showing up. outside. So that seems. extra curricular spiritually to me, but. um. but I think one thing is, man, you just. got to just be there and love them. You got to be there and love them. And it sounds like you guys are already. ready to do that. You know, you sounded excited. I could.

hear the excitement in your voice. Yeah, it's tough, you know. But now if you could like you might have. to ration food. I don't know what it. gets like. You know, I don't know how crazy the. world gets where if they'll even if the. government will take a twin for I don't. know what realm we're headed into. But I just think you got man. you got a lot of. you got a lot of work ahead, brother,

but. it sounds like your heart is ready for. it, man. And uh congratulations and. blessings to you guys over there. And praise God. and um. yeah. You know, I can't even imagine what. that's like. You know, I just can't even imagine. My. stepdad used to own us one of those uh. five-bay outdoor car washes and got. cuz he had a three-bay, right? He ran a. three-bay over there for a while. It was.

coin-operated. off of uh 190 over there in Covington. Right near uh. right upriver from uh Bogue Falaya Park. and. he ran that coin op over there and. and he got that five-bay and got it it. shook him. It shook him. So it was a lot, so. yeah, and I'm not trying to you know, maybe I yeah, I shouldn't be comparing. owning coin-operated car washes to.

an amount of children you can have, but. you know. Some people do that [ __ ] man. You know, um I mean yeah, I I mean I had. a neighbor like that. She'd compare. things that shouldn't even be. You know, it'd be like um. I'd say, you know, there's been a lot of. fentanyl overdoses and. just heartbreaking for Americans she. just always about what you know, well, we. you know, we we got very sick from the. uh child that new Chinese food place.

I'm like, all right, [ __ ] All right. That ain't the same. Uh. Let me see. Let's finish up this holiday. episode here, Thanksgiving. And man, this is kind of some of the. most fun is some of this. And I want to lean into this more. I. think I didn't know you know, all you're. just trying with podcast. You're just. trying to um. figure out what do you want? And what do. uh and then you start thinking, what.

does your audience want? But then even when I was um. uh on my buddy's podcast the other day, he said, well, it's like, yeah, who do. you want to listen to? What do you want. to learn about and what do you want to. talk about? And what excites you? You know, and uh. and that was good. That was good to hear and be reminded of. and. um. yeah, I think sometimes I struggle when. I'm losing when I'm lacking confidence. about myself, I'll I don't know what my. plan is and so I'll.

like look at other people's plans and. see, you know, well, maybe I'll just. try and uh. do that do what's worked for somebody. else type of thing. And there's nothing. wrong with that, but. uh. yeah, I like it better when I feel. grounded and I'm more locked in on my. own plan. And so I think that's something I hope. over this holiday season is just connect. with God more and get a stronger sense. of myself and my own plan. Um.

but yeah, I'm just thankful uh. that uh we can be alive to think about. these things and hear about them. together and to watch some guy bravely. bring. twins. into the world. Woof. Dark arts, brother. Um. what do we got here? Hey Theo. Um my name is Danielle. Hey. Danielle, thanks for calling. Onward. Um I'm calling from Southern California.

I had a question for you. Um I've heard. you say before that um. you are trying to meet God halfway. Um. and you know, in my life lately I've. been struggling with some stuff and I'm. I'm seeing God or or at least like the. universe or some sort of higher power. um working to help me in kind of. mysterious ways. Um. but anyway, so my question for you is. well, I guess I want to learn how to.

meet that higher power. halfway. So what does that look like to. you when um when you say that you're. trying to meet God halfway? All right, thank you so much. Thanks for. all that you do. Oh, thank you so much for the call. there. Um. yeah, I guess when I. what I mean about that is like um. yeah, it's just it's a relationship, you. know? So if I have. uh. if I'm.

for you know. in prayer, in consultation with a higher. power, right? It can be God, it can be the universe, it can be what you need for you, right? Um. if I'm praying. regularly, if I'm thinking about others. regularly, if I'm checking in on people. to see how they're doing, if I'm getting. outside of myself. um. those are things I feel like God wants. me to do. You know, and if I do those things, it.

keeps my relationship with my higher. power, with the universe, with God, however you choose to describe it, it. keeps that warm. You know, it's a comfortable it's not a. far walk. You know, if I've I've I've if I've. talked to God. in prayer and uh thought or in two. or today a couple times, then. then if I need some help, I say, God, I. don't know what to do right now. Can you. help. guide me? You know, can you give me some.

intuition? Can you um. do you have any. uh. do you have any direction for me? Those. sorts of things. Then that the. relationship's already warm because I've. been. praying and and and. um. kind of talking with God. through prayers and just through moments. of silence and peace, meditation, those. sorts of things. So if I have that going. and if the relationship's already warm, then if I need God for something. immediately or I need to I need some. influence from the universe, I need some. help, I need some guidance, some.

suggestion, then it's right then the. walkway is already warm. You know, cuz. there's already a lot of footprints on. it. It's more of a thoroughfare. Then if. I've I'm just running in last minute. like, where's God? Where you know. You know, I need some I need to you know. So yeah, I think that's all I was. saying. Cuz I think God's right there. It's just. like how much do we want to connect? And. I think we've gotten away from that as a. society, maybe. And maybe that that. might just be me saying that. So I think.

I've gotten it away from it some in my. life. Um we got a call right here that. came in. Let's get one more here. Hi Theo. I was just calling to tell you. how much I've appreciated all of your. podcasts. I've been to two of your. comedy shows and I just am happy to hear. that. you're getting a break for yourself and. that you're done touring because you. really give so much of yourself to us. and I'm so grateful for that, but I hope. you're taking time to practice self-care.

because you've been through a lot just. from hearing about your stories and. hearing even the truths of your comedy. show. I just hope that you're getting. some time to just really reflect and. appreciate your own work and how much. how much it's made a difference in all. of our lives. I listened to you in my. first half marathon. I listened to you. throughout college, listened to you in. med school now, and I just wanted to. call and just give you my appreciation. because you really made a difference in. my life and you've.

made me see things so much differently. and I just I love you for that and yeah, that's all I wanted to say. I don't have. a question or anything. I just wanted to. tell you how much I appreciate you. and yeah, gang gang. Oh, thanks for that. That's a that's a. very sweet message. I the half marathon. really shook me. That's cool. I can't. even imagine somebody running by and. they're hearing me rattling around in. their head. Woo. >> [snorts]. >> That's crazy work. Um.

Well, thank you for being a doctor. Thank you for working hard to get out. there and do something in the world that. can help some other people. That's. great. I love that and a medical way. I. think people find different ways to do. it. Um. And some of us can be doctors and you're. able to be able to go do that. So, that's really exciting. Uh. Yeah, I'm trying to I'm trying to learn. how to take time for myself, you know, it's. >> [sighs and gasps]. >> it's been. uh like the break from touring has been. good. But then the crazy part was you I.

break from I break from touring and then. I realized that I I'm still busier. Like, oh my god. Um. but some of that. uh. has like some of that has been finishing. ups. uh has been finishing up stuff that I. needed to get done. Like I'm finishing. up movie at this a little movie edit. thing that we made. Um. you know, just different. responsibilities, different little. things that we're trying to do. The. thing with Mike Rowe for um. buying products from other Americans,

that sort of thing, making sure we got. that done. Uh. And it's weird cuz the part of you. that's creative doesn't really stop. It's like it still wants to do stuff. But like your body and your brain are. just like, "Hey man, let's get a little. bit of organization here." So, um. Yeah, I'm I'm certainly more focused on. it. And. uh I'm grateful that. I have the means to be able to take some. time off.

I also feel like we're in a spot where. you know, >> [sighs and gasps]. >> you know, you want to have a voice. You. know, it feels like right now it's like. you know, uh. I feel like it's more important than. ever to try to try and have a voice and. to be brave and um sometimes I feel like. I'm letting I'm faltering in some of. that space. Um. and like is it my responsibility, you know, to try and talk about things. or speak up about things and uh and then.

is it is it just my ego that's saying. that? Um. you know, or like in the timeline of. existence, like, yeah, what am I. supposed to be doing now? What am I you. know, what means something? Um. yeah, now that I can feed myself, you know, uh for the rest of my life probably to. be, you know, what mean what means something? You know, what means something and um.

maybe this goes back to that last call. about, you know, just praying more about. it. and getting more idea. Um. so, but I haven't some time off has. offered me. I got to go to like 10 uh. football games this year, SEC football. games. And I'd never gotten to do I've been. touring like in the like. I mean, probably 16 years probably. I. don't even know. Forever. Uh like actually but if you tour every. other weekend in the fall, on your. weekends off, it's hard to go somewhere. It's just like, you know, it's a lot.

So, to be able to go to like a lot of. football games is like that's brought me. a ton of joy. So, I have found a lot of. things that have brought me more joy and. had more of a social life. So, that's. been a good time. Um. But I still think of finding more ways. to give myself like uh just more rest. and um. you know, got back into therapy. So, that's good. Uh just things like that. So, I think. that's growing and so I'm grateful for. that. But thank you so much for the call. and. um.

yeah. I think we might be able to maybe finish. this episode up. Riley, anything else. you have? Uh nope. Nothing at all, huh? What do you wish. for your child as he comes into the. world and it's a boy, huh? Yeah. Le Mark. or whatever it is, right? We're not going to say it's Mark, but. it'd be something. Mark Mao, that would be his name, huh? You can think that. If it were Mark, I'm. saying. Sure. It'd be Mark Mao.

Mark Mao. But then it's always Mark, set, go. People always do that and people try to. race you all the time. Mark, set, go. And you're like, [ __ ]. That would suck. But what do you wish for that baby, that. little semen that's [ __ ] growing in. your lady right now? What do you wish. for that little freaking. yellow bust that you freaking launched. over there and now it's over there doing. work. Big dog, what do you wish for that. little [ __ ] uh. that little um.

edamame you got growing, baby boy? What. you think, Riley? Uh I just, you know, wish that he's. healthy. Mhm. Well, look man, I'm happy for you, dude. You've come a long way, dude. Did you. think that this would happen in your. life? What age are you, Riley? I don't. even know. I don't know if you're 70 or. [ __ ] 15. How old are you? I'm 27. Are. you really? Mhm. Oh my god, I thought. you were 16. Nope. That's beautiful, dude. So, this is. time, huh? Yeah.

And what's it been like having a. pregnant woman and dealing and and being. blessed enough to deal with someone like. that? It's uh. >> [sighs]. >> there there it's a lot. Okay. Type [ __ ] man. Well, we love you, man, and thank you so. much for being on this journey with us. over the years. I can't believe. that I knew you when you had. I mean, you were. I remember when you didn't even have any. [ __ ] hair on your neck, I think.

Just a little bag of just yum yum soup. Just full of that energy. When you look back and now a few years. back and realize you had never. ejaculated, do are you you feel like now. that you've been doing it well since. then? Yeah. Yeah. You ever miss the old days when you were. just full? Um. not really. Here we go. Busting and growing That's where he is.

now. Yeah, thank you to everybody that. supported the auction. Thank you. um. to. you guys just for uh let me be a part of. your lives and for me uh and for you. being a part of mine. And uh thanks for just bearing with me. >> [gasps]. >> as we've tried to kind of navigate like. what's most important. Things have. changed so much over the years and like. things in my life have kind of changed. and like um. uh.

but it's like mo like. and so it's been you know, I didn't ever. know what it would be like to have a. podcast and to. and that and to do it and. and to navigate and stuff. So, it's you. know, it's. it's been interesting and then at the. same time you. you realize your own shortcomings as a. um. business developer and all that kind of. it's just like, you know, there's so many things where. like I've learned on the fly kind of as.

I've gone along. You know, um. and you guys have had a lot of grace. with me and just letting me do that. And. uh. and so thank you. You know, thank you for having enough. grace. um. with me as I've just kind of learn. figured things out cuz I think we're all. just doing that. We're all just kind of trying our best. to figure it out. So, um. all love out there. Happy Thanksgiving.

Shout out everybody. And all love to the Native Americans out. there. If I get a time machine and I get. to go back, I'mma pull up for y'all. I'mma pull up for y'all and we're going. to and I'mma bring weapons so you could. have a let's make it a fair fight. That's what I'm thinking. Um but God bless, bro. Praise God. And I just wish everybody happy. Thanksgiving, man. And if you need me, baby, I'M UPSTAIRS. >> [gasps and sighs]. >> Riley Mao, what do you have to say? You.

want to say goodbye? What do you feel. like, huh? You got that turkey in the. oven already? I do. And is that weiner still working good, brother? It is. And are you allowed to have sex. on a uh with a. uh. a um. a woman that is with child or whatever? Yeah. Okay, up until how when is that. cut off? What's that cut off date there, brother? Um as soon as she has the baby. No. Oh, so you can do it up until she has.

the baby? Mhm. Oh, bro. What a sick dude, bro. Bro, that's crazy, dude. If you running. that kind of game, cuh. Anyway, blessings to you, brother, and. when will the new baby be here? Uh December 30th. >> [gasps]. >> Riley. That's awesome, brother. Well, we look forward to seeing a. picture of it in the few in the new. year, brother.

What do you think? Yes, sir. Will you bring us one? Is that. okay? I will. All right, and prayers to. your wife. Do you let her know that. we'll be praying for you guys as peace. and comfort. Is she excited? Yeah. All right. >> [sighs and gasps]. >> All right. Um on behalf of everybody, happy. Thanksgiving. Um you guys be good to. yourselves, man. You deserve it. And. uh yeah. I'm all over the place, but I'm also. right here. And so are you. So, thank. you for your time. Praise God.