All Aboard | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #203

did you know that um well I don't know. and I don't know exactly but they said. starfish could be gay I heard somewhere. so I don't know what we're gonna do. today's episode is brought to you by. gray block pizza gray block get that. hitter.

[Music]. [Music]. hello there.

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later for me to slap that parking brake. my cellphone. [Music]. [Music].

and that is you know shine by Bishop. Gunn grateful to them for being alive in. the same time period as we are or as I. am anyway I can't speak for you but oh. did you think about that what if you. were in some people you might not get to. know somebody because they born at a.

different time period think about that. think about that oh do you know uh you. know Carol you know little Carol and. people are like I don't know her yeah. cuz she was born in 1804 oh well then ya. don't know her think about that what. about big Samuel you know big Samuel.

with the braids he got the French braids. and he you know he always selling bags a. yeast down there by the river. you know yeasty Sam no Oh where's he. from. oh you know he's from you know by the. riverbanks uh know when how old is he go. he's about 25 you know he was born in uh.

in 1834 oh well. don't know him can't know him and this. is why what if what if your best friend. you know. isn't even born yet they're gonna be. born in two years and you and your so. you missing out because y'all's time. isn't synced up think about that you saw. you next thing you know you milling. around a preschool and people like a us.

you know hey hey hey hey hey Judy hey. what you doing out here by the preschool. and Judy says oh well you know little ah. little [ __ ] oh you're right there the. four year old I think we got vibes. you know friendship vibes you know. buddies you know but you know. Vegeta's but you know teamwork team tits.

hashtag errs you know friendship and. they're like oh no you know you. twenty-five years older than her so you. can't hang out here I'm gonna call the. police you know timing is so important. that you know timing is important and. then you never know so know you might. miss your best friend. because you the timing wasn't right you.

know you might be your best friend might. be four and you might be 61 but y'all. you know now and now you can't even be. friends with somebody because the law. says it's [ __ ] up or the law says it's. wrong it's wrong if a senior citizen. wants to be buddies with a. seven-year-old with somebody that's in. second grade and wants to you know hang. out with them on the weekends or.

whatever and do cigarettes or whatever. it's interesting timing how important it. is I'll tell you about this timing so I. just crossed the International Date Line. and I thought it was going to be a. really good episode hosted by Lester. Holt but it isn't it is um. it is a line let me research it for you.

real quick. International Date Line here's what it. is it was established in 1884 it passes. through the mid Pacific Ocean and. follows a hundred and eighty degrees. longitude north-south line on the. earth so that means it's up and down. it's long it's top to bottom you know. it's it's it's a horizontal now it's.

vertical line it's located halfway. around the world from the Prime Meridian. and when you cross it the day changes. well it's an imaginary line also it's. not really real so you can't get out. there and you know you're not gonna see. a big twizzler running from the North. Pole to the South Pole or something. you're not gonna see you know any buoys. or anything like that or you know a guy. out there with a whistle pointing you. know Thursday this way Wednesday that. way you know it's just it's where the.

day changes anyway I crossed it when I. flew to Australia and back and I'm now. back here in the US on US soil and I'm. back here and I'm in a new studio we're. in a new studio so if you're on the. youtubes. is you know this is different it's. different in here we have more space. hello. might sound different in the back when I.

yell hello and nobody's listening so. just you know some changes going on I. walk to him I'm nervous you know I walk. in and I'm in my mind it's like oh wow. it's just gonna be if you're gonna feel. suddenly like home and it's gonna be you. know nothing everything will be kind of. setup and everything will be but you.

know we have accounts that you know. premature Nick he got it on it you know. so we have some furniture we got a chair. we have a couple bags had some. croissants somebody had that are empty. now from the coffee bean couple couple. sea bags couple croissant bags and we. have a lot of empty space and a lot of. possibility those are the things that we. have in here.

so yeah just a lot going on at the. second you know being in a new place. getting home having to come into the. into the studio and decide okay do I. want to be confident when I get in here. you know because Nick Cyr Gianni is here. with their new movie his new movie is. out now the movie MA MA and go see it. it's basically like it's like. fraternities meet kind of interracial.

dating I think is what it is kind of. like a you know what is that called. it's like kappa apartheid alpha-omega or. something like that it's like yeah it's. just you know it's got kind of a hurt. it's really good as scary we'll see I'm. gonna check it out. but we're definitely excited that you. know to support him and be supportive of. him the but yeah man I got in here and I.

just didn't I was like man okay do I be. nervous do I just be confident you'll. walk in here and act like okay I know. everything we're gonna do and um and you. know Nick and Johnny had already been. here they move stuff in so they've had a. little more acquaintance and they were. just excited they were excited about the. opportunity and so you know I just I. just try to ride their excitement. because I honestly just a little bit. scared I guess you know like taking on.

new responsibilities or the rent in here. is twice as much you know the walls. don't look the same not to mention the. other places going you know the other. studio is not you know everything's out. of there so it's I mean it still exists. like in a location inside of us but in. our memory and in in time but it doesn't. exist the same anymore right now and so.

we're here we're in something new it's. like we're traveling like when a baby. comes out the body you know when a baby. comes out the body they got think about. all of that. first the baby's been in there getting. jacked up on it you know on that mom. sauce whatever mom has been having sweet. potatoes chocolate pickles a little bit. of freaking gin you know maybe a little. bit of Vaughn Myers rum or something. that night especially if it's wintertime.

a little better that you know what is. that egg batter in Cognac or whatever. the eggnog so the baby you know when. they decide to leave the womb they. really it's a brave move because it's. basically they're just daring they're. laying up in there it's like being at. the Hampton Inn but the room kind of you. know but nobody's the maid hadn't come. and cleaned your room in a while and.

they got a lot of you know they got you. too baby you're in that little Hampton. Inn inside of your mother and they got. the fasces over there and they got the. you know just a bunch of Pizza Hut. little you know boxes from all the. snacks you've been having you got to go. and then you you know you slide out of. your mother out into the world and it's. a new experience and that's where we are. right now in this new experience so yeah.

just nervous excited for the opportunity. hopeful I think I had a moment where I. was like oh wow I'm part of like its you. know I really have to be more part of a. team right now then I'm just you know. because I need I need help i need help. from my coworkers and I'm just you know. I'm grateful to have them man I got just. got back from Australia and I just I.

gotta say it was amazing the last show. they had 3,000 people in Brisbane. Brisbane Australia and man I can't I'm. trying to think of like what it feel. just I don't know if he feels like you. can't thank everybody enough it feels. like you know you walk out there I felt. like damn Joel Osteen out there. I felt like I wish I had a big water gun. full of holy water and just you know.

just filling people's mouths up from 50. yards away you know just just just. pressure washing the devil off of people. it was just you know it was like a bit. it was just it was interesting and then. it's hard to tell if people are laughing. as much when it's in a big space but I. got such a great response just from. people over social media and they went. to the koala park and saw the koalas and. saw the Kangaroos and if you never seen.

a kangaroo they it's like it's like when. they're it's kind of like the first time. somebody tells you oh that's your cousin. or your second cousin or they introduced. you to your uncle that you never met. you're like damn uncle Ronnie got some. short arms and a big ass you know oh. dang you know uncle Ronnie's out there. eating leaves off of her off of the. shrubbery like damn it may it may be I.

was shocked that I that Hulme that that. their species I was shocked that we're. all have you know atoms in US that are. similar because a kangaroo is like. something you know it's basically a. kangaroo is like the El Camino. of the animal kingdom it is the it is. the it's got a [ __ ] it's got a I. don't know what it it's kind like a.

dragon tail that got that it's got the. body of a arm kind of like a thick girl. like a real thick [ __ ] so that likes to. fight you know kind of like a thick girl. that doesn't you know that likes to. thumb wrestle real heavily with others. and it and then it's got the head of. like a kind of a dog like a um Doberman. like a lean Doberman that's on keto diet. sugar free Doberman that sfd and it's it.

just blows your mind you're like holy. [ __ ] this is an animal now and that's. Australia it's got unique animals. it's got unique animals and you know. what one thing I loved about Australia. I'll say this Australia is if there's a. country that I've visited that I could. go easily see myself to live in it would. be Australia and then one of the things. that I loved is that they still have a. strong sense of being Australian it.

feels like it felt like to me this is my. perception and at the airport you could. still go say bye to your loved ones or. you can meet somebody at the gate so. it's just really beautiful because you. still see like a lot of like what it. means to travel and be somewhere new. like in America you can't see that. anymore when I was young. your mom could walk you to the gate and. watch you cry in the little tunnels you. flew off to meet grandma and that's.

natural you know if you're a child and. you're about to fly for hours to see. some senior citizens I mean I don't make. I don't bring a tear to anybody's eye. and especially if you if you if you step. grandfather is addicted to Marlboro Reds. and he does them indoors and [ __ ] and. you can't eat you know so right after. dessert right after a couple cups of. pudding at Grandma's you got to sit. there in and get that secondhand smoke.

off a poppy but but yeah I mean one of. the things about that is you when you. see people hug at the gating you see. people like say goodbye to each other at. the gate like you couldn't Australia you. see like human affection you see human. interaction and it makes you kind of. gives like more of a meaning to what. travel is and so I saw I would see that. at the different place when we flew I. think - I think we had maybe seven.

flights or six flights within the. country once we got there and you you're. like oh wow this is oh yeah this person. is coming to see someone this person is. leaving someone they care about and and. it just it reminded me of that time in. the u.s. when you could do that you. could go to the gate and greet somebody. and greet a loved one you didn't. have a ticket you could still be there. to see them come or to see them go and I. miss that it just added so much more.

meaning to travel it added so much more. meaning to coming and going. because you saw others you know just to. see somebody say goodbye to someone it's. like oh wow that's human interactionists. that's connection to see somebody give a. kiss to somebody that they that they you. know maybe they they're not gonna see. him for you know a couple weeks or a. couple months or who knows how long and. in your mind you process oh I wonder I.

wonder if they you know if this is their. first time this ever their first weekend. that they ever hung out and it was great. and now one of them's leaving Earth. they've been together for years and one. of them's leaving you get to see a kid. get get to the gate and run up and and. his uncle was there to give him a big. hug and you know or the grandpa or the. grandpa and grandma are there see him. hug the baby and lift up the baby for. the first time you get to see that and. it just you know I think that's to me.

that's when something happened in. America years ago when something changed. a lot was right around that time and I. feel like it was after 9/11 when that. things just got a lot stricter and a lot. more serious and and uh and we started. to take out some of the things that. reminded us how human we are but that's. one thing I loved about Australia was. seeing that that's one of the honestly. my favorite things about the country was.

just seeing that getting to see that at. the air at the airports when we get in. and when we leave it was just uh I don't. know I liked it. you know I like just seeing him I like. seeing humans be able to I don't know. just express some of their feelings and. have a space to do that or or just I. don't know I just it reminded me that I. was human a little bit more it reminded. me that I was amongst others just seeing.

connection and seeing it just I don't. know it did say it was something. different it was. then I wasn't used to you know I saw. some exotic animals but one of the most. exotic things I saw was people display. in human interaction in public at the. airport flight gates what else was my. experience like I have so much going. through my head right now like I can't. even tell you this being in this place.

and just a lot a lot of cool stuff but. thank you so much to everybody you know. went to Perth if you've been a Perth or. not in Australia but it's basically it's. like somebody it you know it's it almost. looked like it went out of business and. then they just restarted it back up and. we went to Brisbane where else I went to. Adelaide that was a wild it was like. kind of a sleepy time I couldn't tell.

what place was kind of like what like if. okay if this city is more like Chicago. or if this city is more like New York or. if this city is more like Tampa I think. I needed more time people think a lot of. times that the trip when you're touring. doing a shows that it's like vacation. it's not it's work you know it's a lot. of come and go and I just want to thank. so many nice people reached out and. brought gifts there's still a couple.

gifts that people brought me to the last. show that I haven't even opened up yet. some nice t-shirts and MMA guys came and. one of them had a move called the hard. scarf then uh you know this guy on my. neighborhood used to put people in. somebody wore a r.i.p Billy conforto. shirt it was it was a next-level man it. was next level I just can't believe it. I'm like how did all these people know. that I was coming I mean I mean I know.

they know because like the podcast and. because of social media but it just. doesn't it didn't didn't add up really. into my head like that this many people. would would be here and so I just want. to say thank you and we did it you know. we did it you know it's one thing I'm. realizing when I walk on that stage and. there's people out there that we did. this and that if you are somebody who is. wondering if you can do something that. you want to do I'm not like preaching at.

you or anything but but honestly man. I've doubted myself every every step. along the way I've doubted myself and. and I still doubt myself. but I've but I have not but uh but I'm. but I'm doing it but I'm doing it but. I'm not but I haven't really stopped my.

feet from moving forward you know and. I'm not telling you that's a preachy or. anything I just I'm just trying to find. a way to share some of my experience in. case there's somebody like me you know. who wanders wolf what do I do you know. if I want to do you know chase a dream. or do this or do that and there's a. little voice inside of you whatever it. is that will tell you the right thing to. do next or it'll it'll convince you from.

time to time and sometimes that little. voice might even be the voice of. somebody outside of you that catches. your frequency and and uh yeah just I. don't know I'm saying I could think I'm. selling kind of preaching oh let's take. a call actually you know what I want to. talk about this I was man on this past. tour you know I was out of town for. three weeks and I want to thank you guys.

for putting up with everything while we. were out of the studio and you know it's. uh one thing I noticed was I was I was. you know they had a tour manager so a. tour manager so somebody like kind of. meets you along the tour and takes you. you know like take you from one city to. the next and just make sure you kind of. know what's going on in each place. especially since its international and I. realize like I found myself getting real. antsy with the with the tour management.

group and they were great. I just noticed about myself like man I. gotta get real short with him when I see. him in the morning I'll he'd be like and. I would be like just like a just kind of. like a cranky kid and I wasn't thinking. like what the [ __ ] is going on man. like I don't behave this way what is. going on and I started to realize it. took me man it took me probably the. first four cities I think they didn't. really know what like by the end of the.

day I would be nicer but in the. beginning I was just so like I was just. short with people I wouldn't look him in. the eyes and I wasn't like I was being. mean I was being mean right but I wasn't. doing it on purpose I was just. uncomfortable. I just didn't feel good and I knew that. I was not feeling good I just didn't. know what to do and I started to realize. that I don't like I don't like it when.

people have to help me like I don't like. getting help from other people you know. I want to do stuff on my own. like I can do it that's what I think to. myself I can't I don't need help I can. do this you know I don't want anybody to. help me you know I don't need anybody I. can do it better or I can do I can do it. and I'm just kind of talking about that.

because you know I needed help I just. didn't want to admit it I didn't want to. I don't know I was just oh I just always. been so used to doing things for myself. that that I didn't want to say that I. couldn't do them for my software that I. wanted to even let somebody else have. the opportunity to help me I didn't want. anybody to have the opportunity to help.

me because if you help me then somehow. that's like a weakness of mine if you. help me then it shows me that that I'm. able that I'm capable of like connecting. then I'm in a weakness because I'm. trying to get these words right if I let. you help me why don't I like people. helping me because I can do it myself.

and if you realize that I and if I let. you see that I can't do it myself or if. I let you help me and then it I'm just. trying to get these I'm trying to get my. feelings hooked to my words um sorry if. this is kind of all over the place but. this is just something that's really. been really really hit me this on this. trip because I never had this type of. experience you know I just didn't want.

to look people in the eyes I didn't want. to like if I needed like if you were. helping me I didn't want you to see see. the look in my eyes that look that. showed that I knew you were helping me. I was keeping that to myself like I just. didn't want I didn't want to be someone. who needs help because to me it was like. a weakness you know it was like it gave.

you like an ability to connect with me. that I just wasn't ready for you know. I'm right I'm finally being friends I'm. fine with you know joking around I'm. fine with having fun but when it came to. a moment where I needed you because you. knew something that I didn't or that you. when when it came to a moment where I.

was gonna show you that I couldn't help. myself. or that that was a moment I just. couldn't do I couldn't do those moments. where it looked like I couldn't fend for. myself I don't know I know something. that's all over the place and I'm sorry. but I was really just trying to figure. it out I'll just mute I just don't like. that you know I like to be able to do. things I'm just so used to it like I. think it at a level even inside of me in. the fabric of me like in the. stitching of my core you know I think I.

just realized at a certain point in my. life vit you know when it a youthful. point that or something or even when I. was a zygote that I'm gonna have to do. this myself and and that's what I'm. gonna do and so I'm not I'm never not. gonna do that it's almost like I made a. deal with myself like I'm never not. gonna do this myself. and so now that the touring gets a. little different and people are on board. and people are helping it's like it's.

really tough for me to let somebody help. me that's one thing I've kind of. realized it's really really tough for me. to let somebody help me. and it ending in it I almost have an. adverse reaction to it because if I show. you that I need help from you then that. means that that that gives you an. ability to connect with me and that's. scary to me I think so that's why I.

think I don't know some of the stuff I. need to do a little bit of work on and. think about but it was just something. that was heavily on my mind so I want to. share it with you guys but thank you so. much to everybody in Australia that came. out I'm happy to be back home I have. some jetlag I just literally about seven. minutes ago there's got hit by jet like. pretty heavy which is a tough tough. thing to try and explain how you're. feeling at the same time and I'm sorry.

for taking you guys on that wormhole but. I just don't I wish I knew exactly what. I was thinking more but man I just it. really it really hurts me somewhere to. admit that I need help or to admit that. I that I'm not doing something by myself. you know it just makes me feel scared. it's a scary thing and I didn't know. that until I was on this experience and.

I'm in another country and you know. there's a group people that are helping. out and they're helping and I'm just I. was so upset and I couldn't figure out. why and I wasn't upset with the audience. her like he had the shows or I didn't. there wasn't anything like that it was. all just you know behind the scenes and. and so I'm grateful that the tour. manager and and their company like put. up with me for a couple days while. figured it out and then I started going. to some different 12-step meetings and. it helped me kind of calm down and get. into a better space but anyway enough.

about that man I want to take a couple. of calls that came in here we go oh hi. oh what's up Christian over there in. Ohio thank you for calling man homeward. I am 40 years old and he said something. not that long ago you said something. like I'm afraid to let myself grow up. with the things without the things I.

always wanted because they're not there. and it made me think a lot and I was. like wow there's a lot of things that I. thought I would have by the time I'm 40. or things that I thought I would do came. trans man that was really something that. was a bucket list item but I never. really thought I don't know it was. something I would have to work a long. time to be able to do one time and amen. I just wanted to give it a shot so. tonight we got about 5 minutes and I'm.

going to give it a go so on thank you. for the inspiration and the last and all. that so yeah we're man well thank you. for calling it with that dude good luck. with that first time Wow. yeah look I think sometimes it's like. you know we create these story have. these stories that get built into us. that we can't do certain things you know.

I was just talk. with a friend of mine yesterday you know. she's going on a vacation and she just. spent you know like $5,000 to go on a. vacation which is a big sum of money and. it's a vacation you know and she said. you know I just you know I never knew if. I could. she's like as I'm spending the money. she's like if something felt wrong about. it and she's like I was it felt wrong. because I was spending the money on. something that I wanted to do for myself. and not spending the money on just some.

like oh you have to save for this you. have to save for that or you have to. have this savings plan or it was like it. was it was like against the norm it was. just me spending money on something that. I wanted for myself even a good. experience like travel like you can't. just up and travel for a month and she's. like yes I can she's like and as I did. it it just felt so wrong but at the same. time it just felt so kind of perfect. like oh this is what I'm supposed to do.

this is I'm supposed to do things that I. want to do in the world I'm supposed to. do new experiences I'm not just supposed. to save every dime and put it away in. this shoebox or put it away for this and. have safekeeping and and never try the. things I always wanted to try and it. really hit me I was like wow that's so. interesting when yeah when you spend. money on something that you kind of want. sometimes especially like a thing like. travel or a musical instrument or or.

doing something nets that you've always. wanted to do but that's out of the. societal norm. it feels foreign almost to us because. someone we get to built into this world. where it's like oh this is the next. thing oh you go to okay you go finish. school then you go to college then you. did get this and then you get a job and. then you get another job and then it's. like well what if we didn't do it that. way what if one day I just said to my.

boss hey I'm gonna go for a month and. travel which is what my friend is doing. you know she said I'm gonna go for a. month and travel and then I bought the. ticket and next thing you know I feel. like I'm wandering out into a whole. different. world of interaction with life than I. have been previously because I'm doing. something that I want to do but yeah. like you said it's like you think it can. take you know you thought Santa but.

something yet a try you know worked out. for a long time just to get them and. even try did I remember I drove across. the causeway about thirty miles I've. been upset my whole life that my dad was. so old when I was born and I've been. making fun of him in my head to make me. feel okay about him being so old and. then I just stood up on stage and. started telling jokes about it and so it. was just you know it's and everybody has.

their own experience but getting up and. talking about something that's just been. running around in your head you know a. lot of the work for trying stand-up has. already been done you've been alive. that's the research the research for. doing stand-up in the practice is being. alive now the the repetition is. something that takes you know time but. the ability for it for you to do it to.

have the Gunpowder that's already packed. inside of you and the microphone that's. just the that's the Flint and that's. what's gonna light it but let's hear the. rest of your call thank you for calling. in Christian yeah man great I wanted to. thank you and share the fact that I'm. gonna get up on stage late today and. either shoot myself and make the people. that well gang brother and I hope it. went good let's take another call here. here we go the hotline is always is nine.

eight five six six four nine five zero. three what's up do you know my name is. chase I've been seeing this girl for. about a year and a half now and what's. okay thank you for calling you've been. seeing a girl for a year and a half it's. a long time these days it's a. it's almost like a first marriage. homework and we've been on and off so we. were never truly official and I guess. maybe that's partially my fault and I.

could have missed that but uh basically. what's happened here is about three. weeks ago I finally asked this girl to. be my girlfriend there you go boy. you sliding in and that deal deal be oh. you want that uh-huh. would you be my boyfriend my girlfriend. let's hear more and yes which is awesome. but my best friend let me know that uh.

he hooked up with this girl about a. month and a half ago when we weren't. officially together so I'm dealing with. this whirlwind of emotion feeling bad. feeling bad feeling betrayed and not. really sure what to do and I does seem. like it was a mistake that they both. regret but I just feel hurt man and I'm. trying to figure out how to move forward. with this so give any advice is the path. to forgiveness the right way to go gang.

gang you're the man gang gang bruh I'm. barely a man by genetic coding only man. the rest of me. let's hit or miss some days dude cuz I. can be a real bad yeah you know it this. makes me think K when I was you when I. was um when I was in school when I was. in high school I was in love with this. girl she had been seeing some guy before. me that she lost her virginity to right. and and you know what I'm saying some.

girls you know you they lose the. virginity and then C then you come along. and you you you take their West's. virginity and that's usually you know be. whole sex that's the be whole deal is. there West virginity but but anyway that. was just that was just kind of a joke. but what I'm saying is this man I never. got over the fact that she had already. hooked up with some other guy before we.

got together I never got over it. I always let it just fester on me and. just this weird jealousy it gave me a. thing to be angry about and in the end. that [ __ ] was all about me man and was. you know it had nothing to do with her. this girl has just been living her life. you know and the guy that she hooked up. with I actually really liked that guy. and he was a friend of mine and you know. and when you're young it's hard to not. be jealous but I would just say [ __ ].

man at least you people you know at. least you know you're in the right. ballpark because if they've already. hooked up then you're really the missing. link you know it's like oh if you're if. your friends are one of them you like. the other one you know I think you could. probably get past it pretty quick I. would just you know it's really going to. be super meta it's gonna be the the move. is to get past it it's gonna be super.

macho of you and you and you need to. tell them you forgive them just you got. to do it inside of yourself I think you. know that's what I wish I would have. done. now what I did here's something else you. could do what I did was hold it against. the girl bringing up all the time we. were drunk fight about it cry about it. in the front yard cry about it in the. back yard. you could go my route and you might not.

be reward. I mean it's it's a painful route to go. you wind up laying on your back out on. the street in the middle of the night. smoking menthols bra smoking them. [ __ ] on a pack of Winston menthols. Limited Editions 110s dude you ever. smoked a pack of 110 menthols dunk come. on boy dude the thing so the UH the. cherries so big on the end of those. cigarettes damn mosquitoes show up for.

it. thing's wild so I would say yeah man I. go I go that forgiveness right and be. that big dog be the big dog he still got. the best friend you still got the girl. so they hooked up one time. well you know who do you do whatever you. got to do you know and if you got two. years later maybe if the guy you know. you know maybe years from now the guy. you know you have an opportunity you.

know maybe he breaks up with a girl and. you hook up with her and then y'all are. even if you want to you know do it games. of Thrones style but otherwise I just. let it ride man. you know you just don't want to miss out. on the opportunity for a good. relationship with a girl because of some. jealousy especially if you if your dude. isn't like you know still trying to. holler at her I think that's the move. but also bro [ __ ] do I know son but gang. man be good to yourself you know what I.

was thinking was this man I'd love to. know a lot of guys you know we we did. this a couple years ago a lot of girls. or guys if you want to hit the hotline. with this we can put some of these calls. in the first time you touch somebody's. Crocs you know of the opposite sex or it. could also even be your own crotch that. OC the first time you know we had a. woman a couple years ago she called in.

and the first time I got her little you. know that little uh you know what I'm. talking about that little Vietnamese hot. pocket you feel me that vagina was in a. frigerator box in an empty refrigerator. box out back in the garage and everybody. has a secret a sexy little story like. that you know you snuggled up in the. frigerator box with a young lover and. they touch your crotch for the first. time cuz it dude I remember when I was.

young. my crotch was like the center of the. universe boy I mean they would have a. falcon would come in laying on my crotch. at night and look out over the lands you. know your crotch was the only member. during a pervert II brought your crotch. was the your crotch was our. nucleus of the universe you'd have.

people you know you'd have people lining. up outside of your crotch looking for. you know bread or milk and bread your. crotch was everything all you you know. of if a fly went by your crotch you're. freakin shuddered a little bit it just. you had so much energy all your hormones. was crime was crowded up in your crotch. like there was you know like 30 people. stuck in a [ __ ] church van or. something the energy remember that so. hit the hotline nine eight five six six.

four nine five zero three we'll put some. of those uh those FTC s's on those. first-time crotch stories on the next. episode and I don't do that to be gross. and I don't want you to leave a gross. message please but I do want you to just. tell me about the feelings the. experience you had the first time where. was it you know I know a buddy of mine. the pizza delivery guy had been drinking. and he went off the road crashed his car. and then he was in arm he had a little.

dimension he walked away from the pizza. vehicle and my buddy and his girl they. snuck up in there on the second date and. touched you and touched each other's. junk out there off of Lee Road so. everybody has a neat story imagine that. the first time you get in the handful of. that of that judy judy and somebody and. they got a you know a faint smell of. [ __ ] pepperoni in the air I mean. Jesus Christ brah. is it Christmas it should be Kim yeah.

yup and you can hit the hotline ninety. five six six four nine five zero three. for those ftcs men that first time a. crotch story onward hey man. love your podcast do love what you do. thank you brother. and I appreciate you calling in today. man and I almost happy early fathers. down there that's coming up I'm not sure. if you're a father but you could be I.

think you're just the greatest. storyteller of this time well that's. nice you to say that man. you know we don't do much to keep. stories alive anymore you know I feel. like they're dying you know I feel like. a lot of people don't care what the. story is in in media these days they. just want to just put out something. quick and easy in and even stories have. become clickbait and so I'm just I feel. very blessed to have a gift to even tell.

a story but thank you for the nice words. on work but anyway my name is Dylan I'm. from Florence Alabama I worked for the. railroad and a lot of times I'm a. conductor so a lot of times we get on. the train you know we'll get through. different places and stuff like that one. of the places we go is Memphis Tennessee. or Memphis some some people call it you. know oh yeah and that's Memphis in the. East tab if you drove outside of Memphis.

about an hour. you could go to Graceland too and they. had a man out there doing Graceland I. guess you know he got upset that Elvis. had done it and he said well damn I'm. gonna do mine and you go there at night. and me and to my friends one went there. one night and uh and the man wasn't. there you could knock on his door and he. would take you on a tour Museum of his. own house and it was all Elvis. memorabilia. it's called Graceland - and what. happened was uh we went there my friend.

got bit by a damn huge [ __ ] dog. showed up and bit my friend and it was a. black dog or black and brown so I don't. know that isn't I mean it's not has. nothing to do with the but it uh but. yeah we had to take my buddy to the. hospital and all kinds of [ __ ] so we. never got to go inside but anyway let's. hear more there's a pretty rough area. there man and you know it's one of those. places where if you don't know where you. are in Memphis you you might not need to.

stop at the gas station oh yeah if you. don't know where you are in Memphis you. might be dead I don't be seen 48 hours. but a lot of that the first 48 sorry and. it's about people in Memphis shooting. each other and then the cops kind of. don't know who it is but they know who. it is. let's hear more someplace is there that. call the gas stations murder marks. [Music]. well the barbecued chips will you better.

get your chips quick son so but anyway I. just want to know what you think if you. ever been to Memphis what you think. about it about the area and stuff like. that but but anyway gang gang brother. gang gang man I mean I think you have a. lot of cities in America where they have. you know some of the crime problem has. gotten a little bit out of hand in. specific areas you know Memphis is one.

of those places where you're getting a. lot of crime you know places you see a. lot of poverty you know you have a lot. of it places where you see also a lot of. poverty and black community you have a. lot of um you have a lot of crime you. know because over time it's been one of. the more impoverished you know and also. they have a lot of like a lot of. gangsters and in that sort of thing and. you know you see a lot of those guys. with you know also all you know making. like guns and murder and that type of.

stuff look cool so I think it is that's. something you probably have in Memphis. is a lot of that you know in New Orleans. they have it Chicago has it in ones it. seems to be getting real bad or just the. newspapers say there is if you go to. nola.com it's you know it just seems to. be something that happens in some of. these communities where it's hard to uh. it's like how do you eradicate this. problem I think some of it is time you.

know you get you know as more. opportunity you have more opportunity. and a lot of different you know for. different ethnicities in in America more. opportunity to make money than you'll. see you know more comfortable lifestyles. where it won't be as much you know as. much crime and as much poverty but yeah. I think sometimes the onus could also be.

taken on by some of these individual. communities it's like you. it would be you know it's like how does. how do you stop this kind of stuff. within these communities it's like I. would love you know and maybe this does. happen and I just don't see it it's like. how do you stop like black on black. violence like you know it's scary. sometimes too I remember growing up in. Louisiana it would be scary sometimes to. have a black friend because if a lot of.

black guys got murdered and you just. would read about it every day on the. newspaper see it on the news like damn. man it's scary you know it uh and then I. think it's not a it gives a scary vibe. too you know it's I can't even imagine. do being young black guy in some of. those places would be scary and look I'm. sure it's all types of ethnicities and. it's all types of people and stuff so I.

don't even know what I'm talking about. but I think over time some of that will. go away but some of it is it's just like. we got a you know like if we if we. continue to champion this sort of like. that it's cool to be like a gangster and. that kind of [ __ ] then I don't know if. that kind of stuff gets helped you know. some of it's a culture thing some of it. say like what's cool but then also it. might be fun as [ __ ] to be a straight-up. gangster bruh be running around at night.

playing you know you know all the the. kids that you know who have two parents. and a little bit of cash they're inside. playing modern warfare and the kids. who's out there struggling those dudes. you're out there [ __ ] running ducking. over about a murder mark trying to drink. a [ __ ] get through with all 32 ounces. before they go to that big gulp in the. sky the Lord before they go see the Lord. it's the freakin murder mark but all. aboard bro you know I get that. bulletproof train son get that.

bulletproof glass on the front of the. Train all aboard. but yeah Memphis [ __ ] dude first 48. gives a bad vibe to that city in the. sense that you just everybody's shooting. at each other over there it always seems. like but yeah I think sometimes that's a. community problem where it's like how do. you you know like. you know it's it's everybody's problem. but it's also it's like it within. certain communities you have some things. that just after a while seems like are. these things gonna go away or maybe they.

are going away and the media's just. keeps playing them up and acting like. they aren't you know I don't know I wish. I kind of knew more sometimes but you. know the [ __ ] do I know man let's hear. another call here we go hey Theo my name. is Carla I'm from Seattle Washington. what's up Kyle and I'll be up there in. two weeks up there in Seattle onward I. just wanted to talk to you about Bali. and me and my fiance are going there for.

our honeymoon and the end of July man. that's awesome well that's exciting to. hear that you guys have a honeymoon. coming up and that you guys have each. other you guys are gonna get to be over. there and it's really I think romantic. that's one thing I wish I don't have and. I'd have been there was just a romance. you know I didn't have a romance they. had a guy that brought breakfast over to. my place in the morning a little guy you. know a beautiful guy named a dae-hwa and. he seemed hella chill and you know good. with the eggs good with the omelet tree. and he'd bring that through and rolled.

through with that I got this you know. the milos so gang in married I'm. delighted for it so I just wanted to see. what he thought about Bali man I know I. heard a little bit on your laptop now. you said that it was like really good. people and those dogs with the big ice. balls but yeah man you know let me know. what the heck you really liked about it. was it the food or the culture of people. I'm ready to get my ice crab along so.

Jen gang I love what you're doing over. there you're all open about your. feelings things like that I appreciate. that though well thank you man I'm. excited for you guys you guys got it you. guys got engaged you getting married in. July man you're heading over there what. a lot what a great I mean this is just. gonna be probably one of the best. summers of your life you know or not bet. I mean it will be a great summer you. know we'll be like an amazing summer. will be a special summer that's what I. mean you know it would be a special.

summer summertime. man anything could happen in the summer. the Sun gets fired the Sun gets hot the. Sun puts on sunglasses that's when you. know the party start girls you'll see a. girl you know maybe she didn't even have. any breasts before now she gots a little. bit of breast maybe your buddy even. shows up with a couple of fricken a. couple of beet coops boy on him you know. what I'm saying no breasts II Jeff rolls. up you're like damn Jeff got them Milky.

front pieces and anything can happen. it's summertime sandcastles you know. somebody hides a bottle of [ __ ] nah. you know raspberry schnapps out there. and a [ __ ] sand dune and you guys. getting liquored up and you out there. talking about witchcraft and touching. each other's junk over there over there. in the salt water off of Perdido Bay. anything can happen you know you might. be out there you might they might have a.

girl who puts her mouth on the ground a. sucker crustacean right out the one of. them ditch crawfish right out the damn. ditch bang and who knew that would get. you erect just watching that watching a. girl you know just face take a. crustacean you know watching a girl just. just face take a damn shrimp right out. of the earth with her lung power it's. beautiful meaning anything could happen. it's summer summer solstice summer.

summer slam do wrestlers are excited. they're [ __ ] slamming each other. I mean it's summertime and anything can. happen man but I'm glad you guys are. getting that marriage you're gonna be. over in Bali I recommend it I recommend. you stay in Changu or you get even more. rural than Changu that's where I was. seminyak seems a little too too much. going on you can get out into if you. really want to be by the beach just fine.

are more rural place I think as long as. you get like a little villa or something. the more rural the better but the people. are so kind you're gonna really be able. to relax you know I would try to keep my. phone off as much as possible and just. do your best to. to spend time together I think it sounds. like you guys are really gonna knock it. out of the park you know you could rent. scooters but I also enjoy just getting a. you know a little scooter and getting on. somebody's back and holding onto. somebody you don't know taking a chance.

you know it's the closest I've been to a. successful relationship really was. jumping on the back of a scooter and now. I didn't know if it was a man or woman. in the helmet and just you know and just. riding with him taking a chance man so. but yeah fresh fruit. you know just drink bottled water you. know that drill yeah I'm trying to think. of anything else like I didn't do it I.

don't do a lot of nightlife or anything. so I was lowkey up early it was. beautiful man it was beautiful I don't. think you I don't I don't think that you. could go wrong let's take another call. right here this is Bruce from Rochester. or neck neck tat country Rochester that. ROC boy. shoutout to my boy Baggins dude who. passed away a couple years ago yo deed. over there by the Pizza Hut by the Days. Inn and uh you know he was hopped up I.

think he you know was on them ludes and. on that garbage plate bro he got a. caught a thick garbage plate and. couldn't couldn't get it down bro gang. bro Oh word I just want to leave a. comment on the podcast you had with. Chris Lilley when you're talking about. you have a dream about him I just wanted. to mention that I actually I also have a. dream about you the night before oh okay. this is wild man cuz I never been down.

this territory where I'm talking to a. man that had a dream about me and so I'm. curious to see how how this will go. let's hear more brother thank you for. calling and we were I was in a comedy. club and it was very crowded I was. trying to make my way out of the club. and you were trying to make your way. through the club trying to go through. the crowd there there was a little break. in the people and so we met up the ham. this [ __ ] is getting ear on it. uh-huh or maybe not maybe she's two guys.

passing in a club about to find out. in my dream and when I try to pass by. you you get a new look kind of a little. bit of an attitude will huff and puff. okay then this sounds like me at the. beginning of my comedy tour behind the. scenes man I was Hufflepuff in man and I. was getting Slytherin and then I started. to kind of really Gryffindor out towards. the end homeward now when I went by you. like I was in your way and I know it was.

just a dream but I do still feel like. maybe you owe me an apology and so I. just wanted to put that out there listen. I understand where you're coming from if. you don't apologize but I just felt like. you know maybe I was the right thing to. do at this point. gang game oh you know with a apology for. the subconscious behavior you know what. man I will apologize it's uh I don't.

need to be right man. I'm sorry you know I'm sorry man I think. out with that that you know I have had. some of that behavior recently I think. I've been in a lot of fear about just. things changing in my life and just not. knowing how to act and you know just. worried about how people are gonna think. of me and worried if I'm deserving of. different opportunities and um just.

worried like if the world is like. tricking me you know worried if the. world is like just tricking me and. saying oh well here's something you're. gonna be able to get to do but then. we're just tricking you you're gonna. wake up or you're gonna some harsh. realities gonna show up and change. things and I know some stuff we don't. have control over but I could see myself. probably if I was in my subconscious. walking past somebody giving them kind. of a little bit of her you know a haram.

so I'm sorry about that you know I'm. sorry about that dude I could have you. know I could have made the choice to be. seeing you and just giving you a smile. and giving you a thumbs. or you know no thumbs-up which is also a. new thing a lot of people are doing two. hands out closed fist thumb tucked away. inside the hand no thumbs up. people like wouldn't them wouldn't the. hell's going on. but it's cool looking alright guy no. thumbs up and that's like a Japanese.

thing that's like a nude it's like that. piece on but it's like newer than that. so I'm sorry I did that man and next. time we see each other yeah keep your. chakras open because I'll make sure to. you know give you a little bit of an. elbow you know a fist bump or something. hearty something lovable you know maybe. just you know I'll do have a little bit. time I'll do a quick little beat or a. little baton twirl you know show you a. little bit of flair or something put a. little uh put a little pendant on you on. your lapel maybe something you know.

something that says vote for Jerry or. something you know and then another. pendant that says who the [ __ ] is Jerry. so that way you kind of get the full. deal we had some patreon questions we're. gonna get to him next time I in this. jetlag is literally shutting my face. down I don't know if I don't think he's. anything else just to share at the. moment I just want to apologize to. anybody I know there's some times where. people will reach out and like I try to. get people tickets and a lot of times I. try to help and and a lot of times.

tickets are sold out so two shows be. careful there's a lot of second and. third party websites that will sell. tickets at extraordinary prices those. are not the regular ticket sites those. are second and third party you got to. look at the name it can be sometimes. they'll make the name just like. Ticketmaster it'll be like lick it. master and it tickets $200 for the show. I don't sell tickets at those higher. prices so if you see something going on. like that that's not a natural ticket. and you want that natural choice you.

know you don't want that breach birth. ticket you know you you think you're. coming to see me and you go to see LA I. love it and his mother and they doing. knitting or something we're doing you. know yoga Lee. ah yeah man my brain is a little bit. fried from the trip but I'm happy to be. home I'm in a new studio I have no clue. what's gonna happen you know but I'm. this the risk that I'm willing to take. right now you know because I've learned.

some from a previous experience when we. took the first risk of what you know it. was good and maybe we're overstepping. our bounds and getting more space I. don't know so I'm curious to see you. know how we'll fill this space and if. we'll fill it and with what you know but. I feel like it's some new opportunity. and I feel like I've been feeling a lot. of like inspiration recently to do some. cool like giving back and outreach type.

of stuff and I don't I don't know what. that's gonna be but I can really feel it. starting to gestate inside of me but. thank you guys for your patience thank. you guys for being here today. thanks for the calls as always the. hotline nine eight five six six four. nine five zero three we had some great. patreon questions from Matthew. Puccinelli Marisa Bruno Olivia a bear. Sierra Smith Mike Nucci and Quinn Hasan. and I'll get to some of those next week. but how you guys be good yourselves man.

on the way out let's go out with some. Jameson flood every night. [Music]. [Applause]. [Music].

[Music]. [Music]. [Music].

it was me. [Music].