5-22-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #23

What's up you little barbecue cinnamon. biscuits? You little caramelized. funions. Boy, you got that junk. You. ever made love to a carnival worker? Well, daddy got that gravitron. So, get your tickets. Step right up. Welcome to This Past Weekend. this past weekend.

[Music]. Celebrate living. Celebrate living. Celebrate misery. Celebrate misery. You know that soon we're going to die. You know that soon we're going to die. Let's have some fun while we die. Let's. have some fun while we all die. Days.

celebrate all your pain. I want to thank uh Spencer Jacob Growl. for sending us that intro music uh that. was listener submitted. Thank you very. much. Let's celebrate. and welcome to this past weekend. I hope. everybody's had a wonderful weekend. It. is uh it's Monday, May 22nd, uh the 22nd of May. May is kind of that. month that's it's not all yet summer.

Some places are still thawing out. Some. places are in extreme heat. A lot of nap. time. I don't know if it's just me, but. just tired is I mean I see people. sleeping at bus stops and people that. might be dead but are hopefully just. sleeping. Um, I see, you know, a lot of. uh just resters and even birds like the. chirping you hear is more like a uh. like everything is just, you know, it's.

it's I guess it's that it's that time. where things are just kind of conserving. their energy uh to fend off that that. hard summer that's coming upon us. You. know, that dirty heat, that fancy heat. that can just press you. I mean, when. that heat comes, it can be violent. I. mean, heat, sometimes the sun just burns. down a house. You ever thought about. that? Sometimes the sun just burns down. a house. Oh, a forest fire started. Why? Um, oh, the sun did it. Yeah, everybody.

wants to talk about, you know, how. science is amazing and everything, but. the sun is out there sometimes [ __ ]. burning down houses. So, let's be. realistic and recognize um what can go. on out there and uh recognize that it's. still May and that things can be. dangerous. You know, uh things can be. dangerous. Welcome. We got a lot of good stuff on. this episode of this past weekend. Uh we. don't have a guest. Uh we do have uh.

some news we're going to hit. Um Trump. was over there hanging out with the. Slims, the Muzzies. He's in Muslim land. Uh we had a a girl got attacked by a sea. lion. Some students walked out in Notre. Dame at the commencement speech from uh. Vice President uh Michael Pence. And um. and what else happened? I don't know. We'll see. We'll see what else happened. I got some new dates that I want to drop. on you guys. I'm traveling. You know, I'm taking this show on the road. I will. be in Pittsburgh, Nashville, Stark. County, Illinois, New York City,

Orlando, Florida, where that alligator. got that child and where Disney World is. at. and millions of people are San Diego. and Las Vegas all before the end of. July. Uh tickets and info at. theon.com/tour. So you can crack into that. Also. theon.com/store. uh has the new album. It's called. Musketfire, the early years of satire. It's all the early stuff. Um it's stuff.

that's similar to what's on the Netflix. special. Uh and it is uh you may already. have it. Some of you guys might have. gotten it at a com at at a show at a. live performance. If that's the case, then you don't need it, you know. So, so. anyway, this is uh this is not for you, then you won't want doubles, but it's. for some people. Um, I want to thank. Cara. I had a lovely lady come and meet. me at a show and gave me this new mug, this this past weekend mug. So, I'm happy to have that and I'm even.

happier to be here uh with you guys. I. want to give you guys the hotline. number. People are always asking me, you. know, what is the hotline number? I. don't have it. You know, I don't know. how to use a phone. My grandmother's. ill. Whatever. That number is. 9856649503. You can call in there, ask questions for. basic life suggestions um that we can. offer. And I also realized you can text. that number. I've thought about putting. up an email where people can email. Uh. but for now uh since we still don't have.

an email, you can text that number. Um. if you don't feel comfortable calling. that number again, 985664. 9503. And let's hit uh let's hit the news, man. Yeah, Trump was in I guess he was. in Saudi Arabia, Iran. Trump was in Iran. or Iran. People call it different. things. That's fine. Um, you know, I I. I'm kind of fascinated with seeing Trump.

go anywhere. Uh, I mean, I think Trump. single-handedly seems to keep the news. in business. I don't know what they. would talk about. Like, if it weren't. for Trump, would there even be any news? Would those companies be able to find. news? Um, you know, there's a lot of distrust with. the Middle East. That place can never. seem to to get along. It's unfortunate. I mean, it's hot as hell. It's like I'm. surprised they all just don't stay. indoors and email each other. I'm amazed. that the Middle East is is even able to.

fight uh each other and have that much. anger when it's so hot out. You know, I. like if I get angry, I prefer to get. angrier in the colder months where even. that anger is kind of creating some. self-warmth for you and uh providing, you know, a positive for you as a. person. you know, like I remember being. so cold that I just got furious so I. would feel more comfortable. Uh, so I'm. amazed that the Middle East is able to,

you know, just keep all the strife up. Um, I mean, I wish they would mail some. of the oxycodone problem that we have in. America over there. Uh, just to give. everybody a little bit of time to chill. out, you know. Um, who knows? Maybe some. global warming will bring some beaches. over there into the Middle East and uh. maybe some some new shoreline will help. everybody relax. I think spending time. by the water is usually very calming. Um, I remember actually going back to. last last episode we had people call in.

about um the first time somebody touched. their crotch. You know, uh we had a man. and a woman call in. And if you didn't. get to hear that, really fascinating and. interesting to me to hear somebody's. experience of the first time they got. that hand, somebody put their hand on. their meat on their downtown, you know, on their, you know, on that. It's when. you're cuz at a certain age, your crotch. really starts to kind of beckon. another, if you will. It's almost like.

your crotch doesn't exist and then s you. hear your crotch start to whisper a. little bit whisper this like somebody. somebody you know somebody lookie lookie. lookie and at first you don't but as you. get a little older that it starts to be. like somebody lookie somebody lookie. touchy touchy touchy you know your. crotch starts to beckon come here come. here come here oh pa pa your crotch. starts to.

want another. It's almost like a magnet. is put into your body. It's almost like. a magnet that is shaped like whatever. your crotch parts are. And uh we had. some callers that called in uh towards. the end of last week's episode talking. about the first time they got cro uh. touched in that area um comfortably, you. know, by a person they trusted and were. interested in. And one woman um got. touched in a refrigerator box which I.

thought was interesting and another. fella um hooked up with a girl in the. back of a truck which also was very. which I could relate to. Uh but I. remember I never got to iterate my time. The first time I you know had really had. some gal touch me down there. I was on a. boat dock and that's where a boat, if. you have a boat, instead of just pulling. it right up by the shore and getting off. of it, like you're some kind of pilgrim, um, people build a little dock, a piece. of wood, a stretch of wood from the land.

out into the water, kind of meets the. boat halfway. It's almost like a. handshake, like a wooden handshake that. goes out from the land and, you know, kind of uh welcomes the boat uh welcomes. the boat back from from the water. But. anyhow, um this gal uh gave me a hand. job, an ejaculatory experience out there. by the on this boat dock. And it was. nighttime or dusk, you know, it was just.

starting to get dark, I guess. And I started, you know, spraying out at. the end, you know, and that's nature. And some people think that's gross and. whatever. And well, guess what? If you. think that's gross, then you must think. that you're gross because you got here. because of ejaculation. Do you realize. that? That all most of us are is tall. ejaculation. That's all we are. We are. ejaculation that has gone astray. if.

anything at best, you know, and uh and. so if you're grossed out by that, then. you need to come to terms with that, I. think. You know, I hate to pass. judgment, but that is you got to get. that together because if someone's. talking about semen or seed, and that's. what you're made out of at your root. level, then that's alarming if you can't. deal with that. I feel like, you know, that's how you started. you know, you. weren't made out of, you know, sugar and.

flour. This, you're not a recipe, you. know, you are seed and egg. So anyhow, um I remember getting ejaculated out. into the water off this boat dock and. all these fish came and started, you know, um. uh just devouring all of, you know, what. I'd created with my body, my. ejaculation, you know, and I hate to now. I am now I'm feeling kind of I've said. it enough. They started devouring up my.

seed and I remember that gave me. nightmares for. I don't even know how long months at. least that. you know that there were. you know I'd have these dreams that I. was you know like around fish and I was. erect and it was just alarming and I'd. get alarmed um near fish and near water. and my um I would feel just nervous. whenever I would swim in the river or. anything extremely nervous uh scared of.

snakes and then also scared of that. these fish that had gotten this, you know, dessert out of my body were. going to come back and were going to. find me or knew me, you know, as if like. a cuz, you know, a dogs sometimes the. dogs can remember your smell. They have. dogs, some dogs work for the police. department and they are, you know, prime. time sniffers and when then they can, you know, remember you just through. their nose and I was worried that fish.

would be able to remember me and come. back and get me. Um, but anyhow, what. were we talking about? Trump was in the. Middle East, you know. I just think I I. I think it's funny watching Trump do. anything. You know, he's a fish. He is a. fish out of water. You know, uh he. wasn't a politician. He got into it. Um. you know, he got he won the election. And I've never been a big fan of of. politics. I don't think any of these. politics I don't think this system for.

me is set up to really I don't think. it's helping as much as we wish it could. and also I don't know if it ever will or. can you know I don't know what a lot of. our complaints are sometimes like all we. can do is do our best for ourselves you. know I mean I just need to continually. worry about me and about keeping my side. of my life clean, you know, cuz I still. have problems before I can even really.

when I think about it, even though I get. mad about things um politically, the. bottom line is I'm not my politics and. my own life and heart aren't even. straight. So to then expect the whole. system to be great when I'm not as. organized and as functioning and. efficient as I could be, it's a big ask. It's a big ask, you know. But I'm. worried less about politics. Uh since I. don't, you know, I don't have that much. faith in the system. Um that I'm worried. more about about news. And where do we.

get real news these days, you know, and. people, you know, I'm not going to go. into it, but I just I find that the news. these days is all advertising. It's all. I look at it all as advertising. It's. all um an opinion more than it is uh the. facts. So where do I get my news these. days? Uh, I trust my heart, my. instincts. Um, and that's it really, you. know, and I try to just stay on the slow. trail of of making myself better.

on the politics that are inside of me. because those are uh hitting really. close to home, aren't they? So, why. don't we try and maybe uh, you know, we. can try to spend our time, you know, uh, just stating over those rather than uh. the big picture ones. What else in the. news? Um, Notre Dame students walked. out. They had a commencement speech or a. fancy talk you can call it. Um, uh, Mike Pence, who is the vice. president, um, who, you know, this year. everybody's in an uproar about, or it. seems to be, um, a lot of people walked.

out. They didn't want to listen to Mike. Pence. They don't like his views. Um, I. don't know that much about about Mike. Pence. I've never been that into vice. presidents. I don't know anybody that. has, you know, except for like some. creepy substitute teacher when I was in. junior high who was like, you know, um. had like a maybe he might have had like. a tattoo of Michael Dukakus on his back. or something. But um but yeah, these. students walked out. Yeah, it's their. right, you know, that's cool. I would.

have stayed I think just to because then. you miss the experience you know like. how do they all they know from Mike. Pence is what they've seen on the. internet or what they've you know read. like. is that is that super trustworthy for me. it's not I would have listened to the. guy you know you can yeah then you can. be like oh I didn't like this that he. said I didn't like this that he said but. you didn't even get that you know you. didn't even stay to get even if you got. one thing out of his speech that.

inspired you. That's more than most. college students get in their four or. five years of college, you know. Um, for. me, so I probably would have stayed and. listened. Uh, I was on a cruise one time. as a student. I was working on work. study on a thing called semester at sea. and we went to Cuba. This is in 2002. And Fidel Castro came and spoke to us. or we went and listened to him. I'm. sorry he didn't come on to the ship. Uh.

it was a cruise. It's a really great. program. It's called Semester at Sea. There's um there's like about 1,200. students and it goes uh around the globe. on a ship on a cruise ship. So you get. to experience it's like a buffet of. planet Earth. You get to go to different. countries and and have some experiences. And one of my experiences was to uh. visit um Cuba and Fidel Castro came and. spoke. Now, Fidel is, you know, I think.

it's pretty factual that he's murdered. people. He's a dictator. Um, he's, you know, uh, I know for a fact I walked. into some bookstores in Cuba and their. their history books started at when. Fidel and Chay came into existence. there. Before that, you couldn't even. find any history. So they had almost. they said this is when our time began. and you couldn't find any history before.

that. So obviously they were dictators, right? But I still sat and listened to. the guy like I wanted to catch a vibe. from him. I wanted to get some kind of. idea. What did I think, you know, did I. feel like the whole time he was talking. that he was full of shits? Did I think. that he, you know, could I see how he. could, you know, manipulate the the the. the. human language so that he was able to. control people? Like, I just wanted to. see. I wanted to get a vibe. So, I.

stayed and listened, man. Um, you know, I just wanted to see. And maybe he'd. have would have addressed those. allegations. He didn't, you know, he. didn't talk about being a dictator. He. talked about um just how well Cuba was. doing and their relationships with. America. And a lot of it seemed really. um you know canned and whatever. Uh, but. it was a great experience, you know, and. I stayed for the experience, you know. I. stayed for that experience. Uh, cuz if I. walk out, yeah, I'm not a huge Fidel. Castro fan, but but if I walk out, I.

lose the chance to listen, you know. And. also, as a man and as a dark artist, you. know, I got the darkness in me. sometimes. And there's something old school about. some of these dictators that they're the. last of a kind, you know, like, you know, there's like I don't think. it's wrong for at some point someone to. think like I want to rule a colony or I. want to, you know, be a king. You know, if I were in the medieval times, I.

would, you know, I would have ruled the. land or I would have been a king or I. would have, you know, had a bunch of. unicorns or, you know, I would have had. all the wild ponies and the maidens and. all that. And this dude did that, you. know, like say what you want. Like, yeah, I'm sure, you know, maybe he was a. piece of [ __ ] but he was also a ruler. and a dictator. And I mean that's pretty. [ __ ] gangster when you think about it. to just have whatever you want kill. whoever. It's like Game of Thrones. It's.

like you know people love watching Game. of Thrones. And part of it is cuz we. would like to imagine ourselves in these. roles of being a dictator of being a. ruler you know even just to imagine. yourself there that there in that role. for a bit that's interesting you know. So, I wanted to stay because I got to. hear a dictator speak for 3 hours and uh. and it was interesting. It was. interesting, you know, but the Notre. Dame kids, they didn't want that. They.

wanted to walk out. Um and to me, it's a. little bit disrespectful, but I guess if. that's, you know, if you feel that. strongly and you know that much about. Mike Pence and you're already against. him, then I guess I can understand, you. know, cuz I also like to be efficient. and I don't like to waste my time. So, uh but that's something that went on, man. That's something that else happened. in the news. What else? British. Columbia, a sea lion attacked an Asian. girl. Now, if you're not familiar with.

where British Columbia is, then you're. just like me. It is, I believe, um, it's. part of Canada. It's like on the far. east coast of Canada. And I could be. wrong. That's fine. All we need is one. plate tectonic shift. And I might be. right. So, you never know, dude. All we You ever. think about that? All we need is one. plate tectonic shift and everything. could change, bro. Next thing you know, it's papa New Sacramento. Huh? You ever.

thought about that? Have you Have you. considered that, bro? That it could be. the district of Mississippi, the. Washington DC, the Washington district of Mississippi. with one big plate tectonic shift. You. know, you could be living in Pensacola, Pennsylvania. All it takes, bro. One time for mother. nature to move her bowels and. everything's going to change. So, think. about that. What else, man? Um, oh, so this a sea.

lion attacked a girl, an Asian girl, and. I don't know if they pick favorites or. what they prefer, but this sea lion, there's a video on it on YouTubes on the. internet, and they have a uh they have a. little girl and her and her family, they're Asian, and they are standing. around and they look nice, you know, and. I I I dude, I have never met an Asian. that didn't look nice. They all look. like they fit perfectly into their.

clothes. Like they come in exact sizes, you know, like they fit a small, they. fit a lot, they fit a medium. They they. other like white people I know for sure. it's like, oh, what I'm between the an L. and an M, you know, like I got to buy a. shirt and then dry it twice and then. not, you know, and then never dry it. again to fit. But Asians, I mean, right. into a shirt. It's like they never, it's almost like they knew the shirt in. a past life and now they're meeting back.

up. They always seem to fit very well. into their clothing. But anyhow, this. sea lion, the family's playing with it. It's in the water in some type of water, I'm guessing, off of British Columbia. And it kind of jumps up by the girl and. it, the family thinks it's cute. Well, then the girl sits uh with her back. facing. This is off of a dock, you know, right? I mean, keeping docks in the. lineup here. Um, this is off of a dock. The girl sits and the sealine jumps,

grabs the back of her shirt, pulls her. into the water, bro. And then her she. has a grandfather that's Asian, and he jumps in very quickly. um and. gets in and gets and gets her and and. gets right out. Uh remarkable quickness. too for that man for rescuing her, I. thought. Um but then a lot of Asians I. see very docel, extremely well put together. I mean it's. almost just wellorganized bodies and.

minds. I feel like they're kind of the. Tesla of humanity for me. That's what I. think. But um but my thing is why are. you playing why was this family playing. with a [ __ ] sea lion? Okay, first of. all, it's called a sea lion. Yeah. Uh. not a sea puppy, not a sea kitty, not a. sea horse. They have those. Uh but this. is a sea lion, dude. Both things. The. sea. All right. Uh extremely dangerous,

you know. Owns 70% of Earth. Fact. U. maybe more. Um, uh, kills pirates. Um, kills bacteria, saltwater. Uh, what. else, dude? Kills surfers. Has sharks. living in it. That's what the sea is. And then a lion, bro. Lion. Yeah. Not a. kitty. A lion. You ever spent time. around a lion? Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, we probably haven't heard.

from you if you have because they [ __ ]. people up, dude. A lion doesn't play, bro. A lion will lick your eyeballs out. of your [ __ ] face holes. Okay, so. that's what a lion does. So sea lion, no. thanks. I'm out. You know, that's like. somebody saying, "Hey, why don't you. have one of these um. why don't you have one of these uh grim. reaper viper snakes? You know, why don't you get one of these. grim grim reaper viper snakes, buddy?

You'll be fine." No, I won't probably. And that's the kind of [ __ ] that pisses. me off when, you know, you have prideful. Asians who are fired up and they just. start thinking that they have it all and. the sea lion attacks. But you don't [ __ ]. with sea lions, dude. You don't [ __ ]. with sea lions, dude. Knock knock. Who's. there? Somebody who's not [ __ ] with. sea lions. That's who. Okay. Um, have I been attacked before? Yes. I've been attacked by cats, been.

attacked by dogs. Uh been attacked by a. group of black men a couple times. Um or. not men, but you know, kids that were in. my grade, but they were also older than. me who'd been in my grade before some of. them. Um. I've been attacked, you know. Um I got. hit by a car, too, when I was a child, a. nice silver car. Uh so I've been through. some things. Just letting you guys know. that. Uh what else, man? What other news? Let's crack into a little more news for.

you guys. Uh. the NBA playoffs to me it's boring. Sorry. It looks like it's coming down to. Golden State versus Cleveland, which we. all knew uh about 6 months ago. So, just. the simple fact that everybody knew it. and now it's happening uh just takes. some of the excitement out of it. you. know, Golden State this time, they're. going to be a rematch in the finals, and. this time Golden State has one more. all-star player, Kevin Durant. I think. it's it's almost overwhelming how some.

of these teams can just pile on the. Allstars, and then they win the. championship. Um, that was one nice. thing about seeing LeBron last year, even though they were pretty stacked. Um, it didn't seem like they were as. stacked as Golden State. Uh it's going. to be interesting too this year uh when. they rematch and LeBron doesn't have a. lot of new players and Golden State. does. Um I I'm a little bit sick of the. NBA. You know, I think that the players. have gotten too fast. Uh I think that.

the level of talent is too high. Um I. would like to see a larger court or. higher rims. And I'd like to see some. diversity. You know, I'd like to see. more diversity in the NBA. Too many. African-American players. I want to see. more white players, more viet, more. Asian, more poly. Um, Latino players, where they at? Okay. How about some good. Mexican players? You telling me that you. don't want to see Guo Gomez fire off a. 50 foot three-pointer wearing khaki.

pants like he does every day on his. lunch break in Los Angeles. Every day, drive by a playground, you'll see it. Mexican guys love basketball. I'd love. to see more represented uh in the NBA. also want to see an Asian coach. Um, you. know, head coach. An Asian coach. We've. had Eric Spelstra. Yeah, Eric Spelstra. Yes, I I I get it. But I want full I. want to know I want everybody to know. that he's Asian. I don't want a coach. where some people are like, um, I think.

that guy is maybe Indian. No, I want a. coach where everybody knows he's Asian. I'd just like to see some more. diversity. Uh, NBA, help me out. Help me out. Sorry, I'm sipping on my uh. on whatever I'm drinking there. All. right, guys. What else? We're going to. crack into some questions. I want to. thank everybody for hitting the basic. life suggestions uh uh the hotline and. again that number 9856649503. You know, I didn't have a ton that.

happened this past weekend. Um you know, I just didn't really have a a lot of. stuff. I'll give you a sensual update. Uh personally, I'm still struggling. uh it's really kind of flared up. struggling with the masturbation and the. masturbatory actions and activity and. pornography is uh kind of snuck back. into my lifestyle and I'm not happy. about it. So, it's a challenge, man. It. is a challenge. And for those of you. watching porn comfortably, jerk away, Daddy Bear, you know, or freaking bean.

out, you know, sugar tits being out. But. for those of you struggling with it, um, you know, just keep trying. We keep. applying ourselves. That's what I try to. do is just know when I'm messing up or. just know when I want to do better. And. I got to start asking my higher power. for some help because I'm starting to. think that maybe I'm not capable of uh. of solving the issue or getting it to a. comfortable place for me on my on my. own. So, we'll see. Uh, we'll see about.

that. But let's get into a few callers. here. Let's go from I think this is. Katherine. Hey Theo. Uh this is Megan from Phoenix. Megan onward. Um I'm just calling in cuz I was had a. lot on my mind lately just generally. about how I'm doing where I'm going and. um it all kind of came down it comes. down to the question of how do I feel.

most successful and um I was calling to. kind of ask you the same question. How. do you measure and value success? We got some uncertainty in the desert, it sounds like, with uh Megan. Let's go. Now, I have three jobs. I'm working my. ass off to do what I want to do, and it. seems to be going in the fairly the. right direction, but I'm constantly. stuck thinking maybe I should do more. Maybe there I'm not doing the right. thing. And like my brother's getting.

married, my cousin just had a baby, my. mom just beat cancer. Like, these are. things that I value as successful. and. that what I'm doing I don't really see. as much. So, I was just honestly curious. about how you value success. Wow. Uh, you know, I'll say this. immediately. Can you notice how women. are so good at just organizing their. thoughts, concise, like she kind of got. it all out. Most of the calls from dudes. were like, "Um, hey, this is um, you.

know, it's just interesting how we're. different uh, different like that." And. that's not everybody. That's just uh. Megan and uh and then all of us men. Um. thanks for calling, Megan. I appreciate. it. Uh it sounds like, you know, you're measuring success. You want to. feel successful. You weren't really. comparing material things. So that's. great. You know, I mean, it's great that. you're not in that plane uh on that. plane or on that t on that tangent or.

something. I don't know what it's. called, but it's something where it's. not it's great where you're not. comparing yourself uh to others. materially because that just it never. ends, bro. There's like a guy in Persia. who's like, you know, eating, you know, drinking gold milkshakes out of silver. vaginas and that guy wins. He wins. Um. so materially you can't, you know, it's. hard, but it sounds like you're. comparing yourself to people. emotionally, you know, or or like in. things that matter. It sounds like maybe.

your soul is a little low. You know, your soul might be low. Um, and one of. the ways you can fill that up is by. doing things for others. You know, cuz. you mentioned things like, you know, your brother's having uh your brother is. having a baby or your cousin's having a. baby, your brother um I don't know if he. graduated something, your brother did. something, um your mother just beat. cancer. you know, those are all things. that are, you know, family andor. oriented or family focused or, you know, things that are important, things that.

are meaningful. So, it sounds like. you're looking for something meaningful. Um. and. and ways you can find that are really. just going to be by helping others, you. know, but in the meantime, if you don't. have that ability, you can, you know, say if you don't have a family of your. own. You didn't mention that. You can. still be a good daughter. You know, you. can still be a good new aunt to the. baby. Um you can, you know, work on. being the best one of those that you can.

be. And if you're doing that, then you. really are doing your part. Maybe you're. just not recognizing. some of the things you are doing, you. know. Um I mean, you said that you're. working three jobs, but you're also, it. sounds like, have been working three. jobs in the soul section. You know, you. have a mother that beat cancer, and it. sounds like you care about her, so you. were you were probably there for her. you have a a new baby coming into the.

family and it sounded like you know um. you at least know your cousin who's. having a baby and uh and your brother I. can't remember what's going on with him. Let me go back and listen. Right now I. have three jobs. I'm I'm constantly. stuck thinking maybe I should do more. Maybe they're I'm not doing the right. thing. Let me see. Sorry. And like my. brother's getting married. Uh your. brother's getting married. Yeah. So you. have the brother getting married. Uh and. I bet Yeah. Maybe you're feeling. lonesome. I don't know if you're. married, but you know, you can be just.

be the best sister you can be. You know, be the best bridesmaid or whatever, however you're involved. Um, so it. sounds like, you know, those are three. jobs that you're doing as well. So maybe. you just need to recognize that uh that. your soul is probably a little more. fuller than you think it is, that you. are pretty successful, uh, even when it. comes to like, you know, things that. matter, not just work. And how do I. measure success? I haven't always done. it well. you know, I grew up having a. lot less than people. Um, I grew up. feeling less than and unloved. And so, I.

really put a lot of those things as. things that made me feel successful, you. know, just wanting people to like me no. matter what. Um, needing to be popular. because I just I felt like no one cared. when I was young. So, you know, I put. some of those things ahead that I. shouldn't have. Uh, but now I'm trying. to fill myself up in the soul section, you know. So, maybe I'll see you in the. soul section at uh at Sam's Club. Wouldn't it be great if they had a soul. section, you know? You're like, "Oh, I'm.

just going to get a couple bags of these. uh uplifting flakes." Um, yeah. So, I just got to keep working. I. got to keep working at it. I think I'll. feel successful then, you know, when I'm. um a loving um caring person that is. uh is continuing to be that each day. Um. even when I feel some days like I don't. want to be. So, I think that would be my. definition of success and helping. others, you know. Um those those are.

days when I feel the best. But don't be. too hard on yourself because it sounds. like uh just from your voice, maybe it's. judgmental, but it sounds like uh I bet. you're a pretty good person. All right, let's take another call. Here we go. Hey, Theo. This is Chucky from Odessa, Texas. We got Chucky from dirty Odessa, Texas. I've been down there to Odessa, and I saw one of the dirtiest animals. I'd ever seen. I don't know what kind of. animal it was. It had a lot of dirt on.

it. Onward, Chucky. And uh I was calling. because I wanted to get some advice from. you. Okay. Um and it was spurred because. of uh the listener, Michael, the one. that banged the chick, finger bang the. chick on the back of his 94 pickup. Yep. I remember Michael called last week. We. had some people calling about uh crutch. crutch and crutch and last week. Touching crotch onward. But anyway, so I. was wanting to get your advice on uh how. to get over the first girl that gave me.

a [ __ ] Um I've been chasing the. dragon ever since. Um I've gotten. [ __ ] from uh multiple girls, but it. seems like she's the one that tops them. all. Um unfortunately, she's moved on and she's married, which. is fine. I don't have any feelings for. her, but the [ __ ] part is what I'm. having trouble getting having trouble.

getting over. Um, like I said, I'm still. chasing that dragon and she tops them. all. Wow. Okay. So, you had that great. [ __ ] that beautiful sucky suck from. that girl. Um, and she's gone and. married now and you're trying to get. past that. Uh well, for one, if you. thought about the fact that I mean your. penis might have less feeling in it. these days, you know? I mean, that might. sound crazy, but when I was young, brother, I mean, my feeling could I mean. my penis could my penis could hear a.

bird, you know, at 70 yards away. Like, what is that? A night and gale? I mean, my penis was erect for whatever. It was. basically a watchdog, you know, and my. penis had a, you know, a big plan every. time. But now my penis, dude, I got to I. mean, there could be a, you know, a cart. full of, you know, fresh cater could. spill over next to the bed and I don't. even know if my penis would get up and. and be interested. So, some of it could. be you're just not getting the same. feeling in your penis as you get older. I know that that's an issue for a lot of. men. So, don't feel too bad about that.

Um, but I think one thing you can do is. tell girls what you want, you know? Uh, I think you can tell girls what you want. because you if you're just chasing that. special [ __ ] man, you might never. get that. That's, you know, you don't. and and the times were different. Who. knows what you were doing back then. You. may have been poorer. I mean, [ __ ]. always feel better when you're poor. Um, so I think, you know, you might be. chasing like an invisible dragon. That's. what you might be chasing, you know. Uh,

so you might just want to tell uh a girl. that you like or that you love, that you. fall in love with what you like and what. feels really good and kind of coach her, you know, cuz I think women are open to. that, you know. Don't be mean, don't be. violent, you know, don't get all rushing. on her, but just be, you know, helpful. and and concerning, you know. Um, but. some girls are better at it than others, man. I had a girl one time gave the. softest [ __ ] ever. Too soft. I mean, like, she just had a bunch of downy. dryer sheets in her mouth. She barely.

even would touch my penis with her. mouth. Like she was a mime. Like she was. just a mime just sucking [ __ ] you. know? And and I didn't like that, man. It's like it's not Jenga. Like you can, you know, put a little pressure on it. Um but I let her go and sometimes I wish. I hadn't. You know, she was a great. girl. She just gave those, you know, just the way too soft [ __ ]. like a baby was sleeping right next to. my dick like that. And I didn't like. that very much, you know. Um, so yeah, I.

think the best thing to do is to find a. girl that you like and and tell her what. you really enjoy. I think that could. help. Um, outside of that, you can keep. hunting, bro. You know, there's a lot of. good uh girls out there that are giving. them. You know, some of them are crazy, though. I mean, one girl pulled on my. balls so hard. I mean, I swear to God, I'm going to have a kid with a long. neck. First kid I have going to have the. damn longest neck you've ever seen. Uh, and still from that girl, Miranda was. her name. And that was near uh Pipsy. if. anybody's ever been out there. I think.

near Pipsy. Uh anyhow, um I was going to. take one more call, but you know what. I'm going to do? I got a thank you call. uh from one of you guys, and I just want. to play that on my way out tonight uh to. show some gratitude. And I want to thank. you guys for uh for listening and be a. part of this past weekend. Um I'm going. to try to do a special on uh we've had a. lot of guys calling in talking about. manhood and what that means. And I know. I've been saying I'll get to it and I. will. Uh it's just been hectic. It's. just been hectic. just got a lot going. on and I'm feeling uh blessed and. fortunate and better uh this week um.

even better than I was last week. So I. appreciate your support and on the way. out let's uh let's listen to this call. We got to thank you and this is from. Chris in Groveland. Some of you guys's. calling leaf thank yous and um and I. never play them and I hope this doesn't. offend Chris but I uh I appreciate it. You know I really I really really do. So. you guys be well. Uh take care of. yourselves. Um, and after this I'm just. going to close out. Um, you know, uh, we.

got a good week ahead of us, I think. You know, let's believe that. And if. you're having trouble, hit the hotline, man, and I'll try to help out as much as. I can. All right, man. You guys be. swell. All right. And this is a thank. you from Chris in Groveland. We're going. to check that out now. You guys have a. good week, man. Be good to yourselves. And uh, and you know why, dude? Cuz you. probably deserve it, huh? I'm going to. try. I'm going to try my best, man. And. I'm going to uh and pray for me about. that masturbation. Bro, I'm trying to. lay off that nasty and uh stay confident. and stay steadfast and um keep my.

feelings tight inside myself. Tight, tight, tight, tight. Here we go. Yo, what's up, Theo? My name is Chris and a. friend turned me on to you about a month. and a half ago. And I know it sounds. crazy, man, but your sense of humor. speaks to me. And um I it's. I was like dying of thirst for a. comedian or somebody, a podcast, a. personality, something I can really. relate to. And um I know this sounds.

corny as hell, bro. But it's all right, bro. It's okay to sound corny, man. You. know, I'm I mean, [ __ ] You don't think. I feel corny a lot of times saying all. the [ __ ] I say, bro. But um but you. know, I appreciate you calling, dude. appreciate you sharing your thoughts, man. Uh onward, but you're really. refreshing. You've kind of inspired me. to start writing. Um. we have similar personalities, similar. sense of humors and um I just want to. say, man, I really appreciate what. you're doing.

and uh keep up the good work, man. I was. listening to one of your podcasts and. you were giving advice somebody about. how uh try to find happiness throughout. your work and you mentioned something. about doing standup comedy that. sometimes two days a week you don't feel. like you're on the right path and I just. want I just want to continue to. encourage you and let you know man you. are on the right path. You're the best. comedian I've heard in a long time. And. I really appreciate you putting your. your thoughts out there in your honesty, man, because it's really refreshing and.

it helps out a lot of people more than. you'll ever know. I appreciate it, Theo. Take it easy, bro. Wow, man. Uh thank you, dude. I. appreciate you, man. I just want to say. uh you're welcome, you know, and I and. um I'm not playing that to get any, you. know, self-joy. Um you know, but I wanted to play that. for you guys. uh just because I get I. get some calls like that, people just. saying thanks, you know, wanting to. share their gratitude. And I think that. that's important. Um you know, I think.

it's important. There's sometimes when I. don't, you know, I want to do something. and I just don't do it because I feel. weird or embarrassed or I feel like I'm. going to be ashamed. Um you know, something that's good. Sometimes that's. good things, you know, or just telling. somebody thank you or or just sharing. some how I feel, you know. So, I. appreciate that, Chris, man. I hope I. didn't put you on the spot too much. And. um and you're welcome, dude. And uh and. you know, we're trying, you know, we're. just trying to share our [ __ ] bro. You. know, cuz we all got a lot of [ __ ] dog.

You know, man, damn. Daddy's diaper is. full. You feel me? But, uh you're. welcome, man. And I'm going to take us. out again, man, with a little bit of. celebrate uh from uh Spencer Jacob. Spencer Jacob Growl, who uh who reached. out and sent in his music. Um, we got. some great calls. Uh, we'll hit them. hopefully maybe maybe later in the week, but if not next week, man. Uh, thank you. guys for listening. And I did want to. tell you also that you can um you can.

subscribe online if you're if you're. watching the the podcast or listening. online. Subscribe or put a rating or a. review. All that kind of stuff helps. out, man. You know, we're going to try. to get some sponsors to uh to help. alleviate some of the costs. So, you. guys be good, man. Bless y'all. Um, take. care. All right. And on our way out, celebrate, [Music].

celebrate living, celebrate misery. You know that soon we're going to die. Let's have some fun while we. little bit of dark song, but the beat is uplifting.

[Music]. Reminds me of blind melon a little bit. But it's really good, man. Let's have some fun while we all die. [Music]. All right, you guys be good, man. I'm. out of here. Take care. Have a great. week. Hit the hotline if you need me. Uh, thank you guys. Uh, let your friends. know. And thank you so much for the, uh, for the love and support, man. Bye-bye.