1-23-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #6

[Music]. There it. [Music]. is. There it. [Music]. is. There it is, guys. Got a new prey in. It's Monday,

January 23rd, and that is Hail to the. Chief. That's a song they play, man. Probably cop that from the Native. Americans back in the day. I wonder if. that burns them a little. You know, Hail. to the Chief knowing that. uh you know that honestly probably a lot. of whites took their land and a lot of. Europeans. I'm betting. A lot of time. it's just really generalized that whites. did it, but I'm betting there were a lot. of Europeans there on horses as well. I got some tea. Uh, I'm not feeling that.

that well. Um, I don't know what I got. I just got like a kind of a head just. fluish kind of thing. I think I'm I'm. trying to I think I they had this. homeless dude, right? And you know, I. respect the homeless, bro. Um, you know, I've I've live I've lived in some shitty. places. I've never lived I slept in a. ball pit one night. Uh actually when I. first got to LA, the first couple of. nights I was here, a buddy of mine and I.

uh were looking for a place, right? We're looking for an apartment. So uh we. didn't have a place to sleep. We didn't. have a place to sleep. So, what we did. was uh at night we would jump over the. fence at the McDonald's off of. Wilshshire Boulevard. uh here in Los Angeles and we would. sleep in the ball pit, you know, the. play uh the play area. We would sleep in. the ball pit, right? So, the first night. we're in there, you know, and it's cool.

It's kind of uh it was a little cold. It. was a little cold, but you get under the. balls, it's not as bad, you know, your. body heat kind of builds up. and we were. wearing a lot of extra winter, you know, attire. Uh then the second night, same. thing. We're in there and during the. day, we're checking out CD places and, you know, trying to figure out what we. can get approved for. uh to get a lease. The third night, we're in the pit. Uh you know, we jump. in after they shut down. They shut at. 11:00, get out of there at 5. And uh and.

we're talking, we're in the ball pit, and all of a sudden there's like a Asian. dude on the sl from the slide. We hear a. guy say, "Hey, can you guys keep it down. out there?" There was another guy. sleeping on the on the plastic slide. that came down into the ball pit. So, uh. I mean, I think it was a Asian dude. Sounded Asian. Could have been a guy. with a lisp or with. um you know uh what else could he have.

had? Maybe a part of his tongue was. damaged or something, but he sounded. Asian. Sounded like an Asian gentleman. Uh so so I guess I have been a little. bit homeless. That's as homeless as I've. been. But outside of that, I've lived in. some real [ __ ] holes. Uh grew up in a. [ __ ] hole. Um but anyway, I I borrowed a. homeless guy was like, you know, doing. raps and I respect that. You know, it's. something, you know, you got to come up. I've never really heard of a guy going. from homeless to, you know, to um to pop. sensation, but but it could happen. And.

so the dude, he gave me his headphones. He's like, "Listen to this. Listen to. this hit." You know, it's got to be, of. course, it's a hit, bro. I haven't even. heard it, you know, let me judge that. Um, but anyway, he put his head, he gave. me these headphones, and I put them in. my ears. And that I think was the bad. move because after that I just felt my. brain and my head and everything. I just. felt squirrely. So So I just shouldn't. have borrowed uh shouldn't have borrowed. that dude's headphones. So that's just a.

note for the future, you know. Don't. use, you know, use your own headphones. Don't go don't borrow a homeless guy's. headphones. Anyhow, uh it's January. 23rd. [Music]. Hail to the chief. Hail to the. chief. Uh this chief, what have I been. up to, man? Been feeling okay, man. Some. indecisiveness recently. Um we're going.

to get into a couple of things in a. minute into some of the news. I'm going. to talk about uh a little bit of. sensuality. Give you guys a little. sensual report on, you know, some. sensual stuff I've been deal going. through and dealing with. Uh what else. we'll talk about? Uh we got a request. from a fan via Snapchat. Uh we have I. promised you guys I'd talk about uh some. oral, you know, different oral sensual. activities that I had when I was. younger. Um and a couple more sounds. I.

got a few more sounds. I just kind of. went through my brain and found some. sounds that I make. So that's what's on. the. docket. Uh what man, I was feeling. indecisive. I had a you know I didn't I. get in this thing where like I'm hungry. but I don't have any food you know and I. have money to get food you know I'm. thankful for that but so I'm at the. grocery store you know I finally get you. know give in to my desires of my stomach. and I get over there and they got the. yogurts bro right I'm in the yogurt.

section and um and I like the dairy. section man I'm a dairy guy you know I'm. lactose intolerant but I'm brave you. know I get out there and those, you. know, I mean, you're out in those fart. streets a lot of times, bro. If you. choose to do dairy, and if your system. isn't really, you know, isn't, you know, doesn't have the proper gradient uh for. dairy, you know, you can kind of you. kind of can live in those fart streets. So, they got the yogurts, dude. And the.

uh the yogurts, it was uh it was eight. for. $4. Now, that's a deal, bro. That's a. deal, you know. And the problem was I. start picking them out and I just get. bit. by something that always plagues me is. I'm indecisive, you know. And I know one. of the one of the one of the one of the. cornerstones of a real champion human. and of a good man is that, you know, he's decisive and I'm trying to be more. decisive. You know, I know that I.

struggle with it and I want to do it. You know, I want to make decisions. better. But they got eight for $4, but. they got they got 30 flavors of yogurt, you know? Like when I was young, they. had two fla They had blueberry and they. had strawberry, bro. You know, and then. they also had nothing. That was the. third flavor. Remember that? You ever. accidentally get the nothing flavor? You. know, like you would get and you open it. up, you think it's blueberry or. strawberry, but it's nothing, bro. It. just tastes like a like a like a bucket.

of milk just gestated into your mouth, you know? Uh that was really. disheartening when my mom would let us. pick out a yogurt and we got the wrong. one. So anyway, I'm standing there. It's. eight. It's eight for $4.50ents a pop. You know, I'm I'm in. I'm in. They. hooked me with the deal. They hooked me. with the literature right there on the. little thing. Eight for $4. But I can't. I I I can't like right out of the gate, I get two vanillaas, bro. because I do. vanilla yogurts. I got two vanillaas.

But then the flavors start getting a. little bit squirly. They have uh key. lime pie. Huh. I'm not, you know, I. don't think I'm ready for that. Um so I. picked up I cpped a couple of cherries. cuz that reminded me of uh of when I was. young as well. Cherry was like a new. flavor and everybody went berserkers for. that. Um uh I cpped a blueberry even. though I didn't like it. You know, we. ate a lot of blueberry yogurt when I was. young and it just made. me, you know, maybe I had a bad.

experience, I guess. Uh, but it just I. don't know. It just made me feel makes. me feel poor when I eat blueberry. yogurt. Makes me feel a little bit. tender. Um, they had lemon burst. I'm. not doing that. Okay. I think that's. for, you know, it's special type of man, maybe. Um, you know, might be for a. woman that's just got a divorce or. something. I don't know. But I'm not. doing lemon burst, right? So, so I got a. couple vanillaas, I got the cherry, I. got the blueberry, and uh and I'm just.

sifting through these other flavors, dude. And they just started getting. bizarre. They had. gingerbread. I don't think we need it. Uh and I ended up coping actually a. couple of basic limes because I had lime. once before, regular lime, not the key. lime pie, but I kind of left a bad taste. in my mouth. maybe, you know, if I don't. know if maybe I'd been smoking. cigarettes at the time or maybe I'd just. been in a bad mood when I ate it. So, I. cpped a couple of limes, but literally. I'm standing there. I've been at the. thing for probably 15 minutes, man,

picking out, you know, trying to get my. selection of eight yogurts. Uh, so I think what I'm saying here is. that I could never be. [Music]. president. Unless I get better at. picking out yogurts, man. So anyway, that's where I'm at. I guess I'm feeling. kind of indecisive. There was a lot of. rain today. Uh, one of the Hollywood. Hills kind of slid into the street. So, you know, maybe a couple of, you know,

probably some wealthy people, you know, probably lost some very expensive pets. or something. I have no clue what. occurred. You know, probably some. $30,000 rose bushes, you know, came down. into the uh into where us pleons. live, but that was going on, man. That's. where I'm at. Feeling a little bit. indecisive. Um, but yeah, we got a new. president. The new president's in. I. thought the inauguration was cool. I. never watched it before. I think I'm. just getting older now where you start. to kind of tune into those things. Uh. because eventually you get old and just.

furious about politics and then you die, you know? That's how it kind of works. for most seniors. Um I thought Melania. uh the the new first lady looked. beautiful, man. I thought she looked. nice in that dress. Um or I don't know. if that's called a dress or not, but. like this, you know, light blue smok. Um. and I thought it was cool the little. kid, man. the kid baron just to be like. a kid and you're standing up there. It. had to be so bizarre. Uh I just kept. kept kind of wondering what was going.

through his head like does he even you. know realize the mag you know the magnif. the the size of this event? Does he have. any idea? Uh I thought that was pretty. cool to see the kid. And there's one. point there's a video out there if you. haven't seen it where his mom tells him. to do something and he like makes like. this cat hands at her dude. Uh, so I'm. looking forward to that guy, that little. kid getting in the White House and, you. know, burning some curtains or who knows. what he's going to do. I mean, that. guy's going to go, that kid's going to. go through puberty in the White House,

bro. I mean, anything is. possible. So, I'm really intrigued to. see how it shakes down for Lil Baron. Um, what else? What else is in the news? We have violent weather here. Uh, the. most rain we've had, lot of bad weather. out in uh in Georgia. people died, you. know. That's ah that's heartbreaking, man. When you because usually a lot of. times tornado like tornadoes are. just they're kind of uh they're like.

serial killers for poor people. Like. they just attack the poor, you know? I. mean, I don't know why people continue. to build their homes in these alleys. where these tornadoes frequent. You. know, I can understand you want to get. ballsy and get out there and go. toe-to-toe with a tornado, bro. Um, I. actually had a NATO experience, bro. I. went I went toe-to-toe with a NATO. Um, I'm popping a couple of uh if you hear. me chewing, that's a couple of what are. these? Melatonin gummy bears. They got.

little. gummies and they help your brain rest at. night cuz I got a active brain. My. brain's active. That's what they said. when I was a child. A lot of my children. reports from school said active. brain, strong heart. got the heart of a. lesbian. My father always told me that. when I was. young told me I got the heart of a. lesbian, which was always kind of uh. kind of stuck with. me. I had an old dad. Some of you guys.

don't know. My dad was 70 years old when. I was born. My dad was born in 1910. Uh. he was uh he was a missionary from. Nicaragua. Um so anyway, what are we. talking about? Let me get back to what. I'm talking about. I'm talking about. other tornadoes just going at poor. people. Uh, and I had an experience. I. was working on a farm when I was when I. was just out of college. In the. summertimes, I would work on a farm um.

on the Louisiana Mississippi border. And. that was right off of uh Faraday and. Videlia, Louisiana. And that's where. Jerry Lee Lewis is from, right around. there. Goodness gracious great balls of. fire. you take my nerves and you're. right on my brains. So, I'd be over. there and a um I was just a farm hand, dude. I would do whatever, you know, drive tractors, plant, um clean, paint, odds and ends, man. That's what my deal. was. We get out there, I had a knife,

had a gun in the truck. We'd get out. there in the morning and uh we get out. there early, 7:30, and we worked till 7. or 6:30. I mean, we we worked. It was a. day's work, man. We were I was a man. I. was a man. I was a man. And it felt. good, man. It felt good to come home and. I wouldn't even think I couldn't even. think about anything. I was so tired. I. would just fall asleep. I would eat with. the family. They put me up and uh and.

then I would fall asleep and then I. would wake up, crack on, and we go. again. That was it. And you you worked. as much as the weather permitted. So you. could work 12, 13 days in a row. sometimes. Anyhow, so one day I'm I'm. working at the farmhouse. I'm I don't. know what I'm doing, cleaning or maybe. painting. And they had this other. gentleman that was working with me. He. was thick. I mean, this boy was coming. in. He might be deceased now. He was, you know, that size. the kind of size. where when you meet them, you you get a.

good look at them because you know that. you're not going to few years later you. probably won't get to look at them again. because you know they're going to head. on back to whatever back to the. spiritual realm because of their size, you know. And this guy was just thick. and just always just sweating out of his. neck and his face and just a sweet man, dude. He was a sweet man, bro. Um anyway, we're working together and. there've been bad weather coming through. and then a tornado report comes up and.

it says that there's a tornado right in. our area. So, we go outside and you can. literally see this. tornado, you know, maybe 2,000 yards. away or a couple miles. I don't know how. many yards 2,000 yards is. I mean, it I. know it's 2,000, but it's I have no clue. how far that is. I made that up. I mean, I didn't You know what I'm saying, dude? I'm guessing. I'm guessing. So, we're. like, we know we got to hide in a ditch, dude. That's what you always heard,

right? I think anyway. I mean, hell, that could be for anything. But, for. some reason, I just remembered that. I'm. like, we I'm like, bro, we got to hide. in this we got to hide in this ditch. So, we run across and we and I get into. a ditch, dude. Right. Well, this guy and it's a ditch, bro. It's like I mean it's probably 3. acres long this ditch. It's a little. irrigation canal. This dude gets in the. ditch on top of. me. On top of me, bro. So now I got this.

guy 300 something pounds on my back. laying in this ditch. I mean, I'm. heavily protected now from this storm, but just the ignorance really going. through that man's skull at that time. that he wouldn't pick another spot in. the ditch to be. I mean, it's kind of. sacrificial, I guess, that he would get. on top of me like that. Um, it didn't. feel homoerotic. I I couldn't feel any. of his waist touching me. It just felt. like all. just basically just a breadth of stomach.

and chest, torso, meat, just a Anyway, so that was just kind of a storm. experience, man. I had a hole up in this. ditch with this gentleman and uh and. yeah, the storm, you know, the tornado. came close. It didn't uh it damaged some. stuff in the area, but we were fine and. and that was that. So, you know, I I. don't really have any, you know, if. there's a tornado coming, I don't know. What do you do? You know, what do you. do? I guess you get in the ditch. That's. that's what I'm I guess that's the.

advice. If you got a tornado coming, get. in the ditch. And if you're poor, you. know, just know that these tornadoes are. are I mean, statistically, they're. looking for you. You know, I don't know. if mother nature is just a. killer. Uh and that's how she chooses to. just get the poor, but but it seems it. seems to be uh enough evidence there. where that's there's some validity to. that. What else, man? Um I will uh I'll. tell you this, dude. Uh yeah, Trump is.

in office. They got a new we got a new. president. Um I think change is always. exciting. I think you know it's. interesting a few years. ago I kind of. hated for a long time I've kind of felt. like like my. generation nothing ever happened in our. environment that made us wake up in the. morning with any feelings or any vigor. or any you know like our parents had you. know there were uh I mean our.

grandparents had like Vietnam and some. of our parents had Vietnam or uh World. War I there was a lot of World War II. Uh, obviously, you know, I'm not a big. war buff, but uh but but they like, you. know, they got up and they had a a. feeling in their heart like they had a. cause or they had like, you know, I. stand for this or like, you know, when. they had all the Woodstock and the, you. know, like people were like, I you know, I you know, or civil rights, like people. would wake up with a beat in their heart.

for like a reason to be alive. And I. feel like I've grown up in this. generation where you just wake up. like, "All right," you know, I'm up, you. know, and maybe that just could have. been some of my own lack of dasicalness, but um but now I feel like people are. waking up with some fervor. You know, they realize that, you know, their. government probably isn't going to help. them out very much and that they that we. have to do it ourselves. I don't care. what, you know, if you're Democrat or. Republican or who you support. Uh but.

but I feel like that's kind of cool. It's pretty interesting to wake up and. have a just a sense of purpose when it. comes to uh a bigger realm of. of something bigger than ourselves, not. or not just ourselves like you know I. you know it's like now we wake up with. some fervor and I think that's good. Um, so that's one thing that I that I feel. like is good, you know, that that that. that's exciting that you wake up with. some [ __ ] dick in your balls, you.

know, with some [ __ ] extra cooch. juice in your curtains. You know what. I'm saying, ladies? Like you just you. got a little freaking spittle in your. griddle, you know? And so I think that's. exciting, man. I think it's always good. when when inspiration. um and I think change does that. any. kind of change if you're, you know, like. just anything gets you up, gets you up. in the morning and gets you fired up. That's uh that's what's going on. They.

got the new president. They had the. march. They had the million women march. or um I'm not sure how many women it. was. A lot of women, you know, and. that's it was pretty powerful to see. I. think a lot of the photos and stuff. because my mother was a a hardworking. woman, you know, and and you know, she. delivered newspapers since I was born. Um and she would deliver baked goods. regionally uh on the weekend. You know, she tried to keep us off of welfare and. um you know, we would get some food from. the church and stuff like that. But so I. think that that was inspiring to see. these women you you know, getting.

together and and just creating a bond. there. Sometimes I think feminism, it. just turns into like a hate men thing. Uh and that's kind of scary. Um you. know, cuz men, we're just doing the best. we can. We don't [ __ ] know. You think. we know what's going on? No. We're doing. the best we can, you know? I mean, look. at us. We don't We don't know. We don't. know. Um I was thinking that there's got.

to be some dark husbands out there who. were praying for an ISIS attack on DC. Uh like hoping to get rid of their. wives, you know? I'm sure there was a. couple of dudes somewhere thinking like, h, you know, better give Janet a big. hug. This could be it. Um, there's a. great movie called Get on the Bus. If. you'd never seen it, it was about the. Million Man March. Um, and I think it. was for when Martin Luther King was. speaking. Uh, it's pretty cool, man.

Charles S. Dutton's in it. But yeah, that homeless dude, man, I barred his. headphones and I think and dude, the rap. was horrible. The It wasn't even a rap. I don't even think it was his song. Just. felt taken advantage of. Which makes you. think about Ronald Reagan cuz Reagan let. all the Reagan next time you when I see. homeless dudes, when I see people. struggling out on the street, those are. Reagan's boys. That's what I call them, Reagan's boys. Because if you look back, they had a law that was passed in the.

60s um that provided like a lot of. assistance and special care for mental. health people. Well, when Reagan was in. office, um the law got repealed. Um and. all of a sudden, all the money that was. going towards helping people that were, you know, just straight up just bunch of. freaking soul wizards out there, uh you. know, they they were out on the street. and a lot of them are still out there. A. lot of them have been mating with other.

homeless people and making, you know, other people that are out there and that. are having a tough time and troubled and. and that's Reagan, bro. That's Reagan. Everybody, you know, Reagan takes a nice. picture. He's got nice hair. I respect. all that. Decent actor, but Reagan, when. you see some people are out there. schizophrenic and really struggling, and. those are Reagan's boys, man. So, you. know, I don't know if Nancy Reagan's. still alive, but you could probably. tweet at her about it. Oh, man. What. else, dude? What else, man? Had some uh.

adult sex, bro. You. know, had some adult. sex and it was good. It was cool, you. know. It was cool. Um I think I got to, you know, make sure. that when I am getting sexually involved. that I'm, you know, making sure it's. like for something poignant. You know, it's for a real relationship or in in. that sort of vein. Cuz I'll say this, dude. If you stay out there just. dingling every, you know, piece of slick.

canal that pops. up, you're it's not going to help your. heart, you know, and um and I know I'm. almost preaching to the. choir. So maybe I had a moment of fit of. weakness or something. I don't know. You. know, at the same time, you're trying to. be a man and you know, this girl was. cool. She's neat chick. And but I do. realize that uh you. know my triceps aren't what they used to.

be. That's for sure. I've really just. felt kind of meek. Just meek in the. triceps, you know. Um so that really. kind of hurt my feelings a little bit. Got in my head and one of my hips was. clicking. I mean just Morse coding the. whole time. So. that's, you know, and this girl's a. little younger than me. And so that's. that's. just I don't know if that's a turnoff. Is that a turnoff if you're a younger. girl? If any younger women are listening. to this or young men who um you know who.

prefer to be with. men, if you're having sex with a man and. he's older than you and his hip clicks. or his bones are clicking and I already. have a weak neck. I've always had a weak. neck. Um, never never anything I feared. more than a headlock. If there was there. was one buddy I had growing up that was. always headlocking people. And man, I I. couldn't be friends with him after a. while just out of the fear. Just I. couldn't I don't think I I don't think I. could go through a. headlock, a good headlock, I couldn't go.

through it. But, uh, but if there's any. young ladies out there who, you know, who do sex with older, you know, more. adult men, is that a turnoff? Is that do. you notice that? that like if a man's. kind of, you know, his bones are. clicking or something if you guys are. being sensual. Um, anyway, let me know. Let me know if you know. Uh, sober sex, man. That's sober sex. That's for. children, I feel like. Um, sober sex is. for children, dude. When you're young,

you can be sober and have sex, bro. It's. awesome. You don't, you know, you don't. notice all your own deficiencies or. inconsistencies. is you don't notice. like your ashy skin or you know that you. need moisturizer on your ass or you. don't notice you know that you got a you. just don't notice all your faults. But. when you get out there as an adult, you're doing sober sex, man, it's all. your senses are so heightened. They're. active, you know, you're just things are. getting out of sorts. It's just uh so.

anyway, if there's any children out. there, do sex when you're you know, sober sex is for children. That's that's. when you do it, you know, get out there. and. um you know, get your eggs moist out. there. But uh but do it when you're. young, you know, cuz when you get older, it's just it's not the same. It's not. the same. It's not the same. But yeah, man. Uh took this young lady out, bought. her a little shellfish, bro. They got.

this place around the corner. They do a. nice little clam dinner. um you know they get you a big dish of. clams and you you know you kind of sit. there you can teamwork a little bit and. you know and that's really I feel like. always been the way to a girl's heart. man you throw some shellfish in a lady. and unless they're allergic if they're. allergic they turn red so you know. that's a that's a stop that's a nogo. shut it down for the night bro when you. throw shellfish in a lady bro you almost. have to hide your dick because they come.

out you know their libido really strikes. up. Even some of that seaweed, bro. You. warm it up. That hot kale, bro. You fill. a broad up with hot kale, son. You. ready? You going to have to exercise. some pea control, baby. You know what. I'm saying? Yeah, boy. You throw a batch. of hot clams in a girl, dog. You better have some [ __ ] control. ready, bro. And I hate to use the P. word, man. I know a lot of ladies don't. like that, you know. U But that's what's. up, man. That's So, yeah, man. Got the.

girl, you know, we had a nice time. sweet gal. Um, you know, she works at actually met. met her at a uh at a one of those uh not. a eat and go, a um hit and what's that. gas station? I think it's hit and run or. eat and eat and go. Hit and run. No, hit. and run. I think is an accident. It's a. eat and run. She work at a gas station. A ga inside, not outside. She's not. pumping the gas, you know. She's not. really kind of an outdoors woman. She's.

more of an indoor service center. She. works in the service center at a gas. station dealing with, you know, people. want to pay for their gas, get coffee, uh, snacks and different indoor elements. that she's vending in there. But nice. girl, man. I met her a couple times when. I was getting a tank and then, you know, we warmed to each other and. uh next thing you know, we went on this. is the second date that we went on, you. know, and um she got some nice hair and. just. really she's not the brightest, I don't.

think really. Uh she's not dumb. She just isn't when. it comes to. knowledge, she just that's not really. her strong suit, I would say, you know. But anyway, uh, so we got sensual, you. know, and now I just got to monitor my. feelings because when I was younger, if. I would get sensual with the woman, you. know, get sexual, do sexual activity, do. some adult sex, a lot of times I would. just kind of, you know, hide from them. or, you know, or not communicate. But.

now I'm trying to communicate clearly. exactly what my feelings are. Uh, and. that's tough to do, man. You know, living life on life's terms, man, it's. tough to do. So, just trying to be an. adult uh about the scenario. So, you. know, keep me your thoughts about that. if you can because I'm going to try to. be honest with this girl and uh and I. can always use support when it comes to. that. I feel like. um what else, dude? Let's get into a. little bit more uh uh let's let's cover. a little more sensuality. Um I talked.

about [ __ ] on the past thing, oral. sex. So, I'll tell you about this. Um, when I was young, when I was a. younger man, I was a child really. I was. just a middle-aged child. And they had. one of my first girlfriends. Now, they. had a girl in our school who had uh who. had done some [ __ ] you know, and. that was the rumor anyway. And you know. once a girl once you once that rumor. hits the air it's you know when I was.

young anyway it was you know the girls. were like all shaming her but all the. dudes were like whoa you know Tanya's. got that mouth. boo. So um so anyhow she liked me man. she liked me and this was like the first. girl or maybe the second girl that ever. liked me. I dated another girl that. really was like a young man almost. She. had real short short hair. And whenever. we would hug, uh, kids would yell out. the bus and call us, uh, they would call.

us [ __ ] honest. They would call us. homosexuals. Um, even though she was, and I would yell back, "This is a girl.". Um, cuz I wanted to stand up for her. But, uh, but that still kind of hurts my. feelings cuz she was a sweet girl, real. smart, and grew up to be beautiful. But. at the time, she was, you know, going. through puberty and so was I. And you. know just people are changing. You can. morph into like the other sex for a. couple of after you know for dude you. during puberty you'll meet somebody. during the afternoon morning they'll.

look fine. The afternoon their neck is. an inch longer or you know they hit like. a feminine speed bump in their puberty. chair in their puberty trail. And so you don't know but anyway she and. I were going through puberty around the. same time. And man, our loins were fired. up every day and we would touch hands. and my just [ __ ] legs would get. straight. That's how just erect I was at. that time. Just God, I couldn't even. turn my neck. The blood was just so. tight. I couldn't even turn my weak,

weak little neck. Anyhow, um so anyway, this other girl, uh you know, there was. rumor that she'd uh done some [ __ ]. So, I'm fired up, you know, because she. liked me, you know, and she was cute and. she was funny and uh and we went uh. there was a party or something and she. and I were going to make out, bro, you. know, and so this was my big. opportunity, you know. I was a young man. and I was just coming into my feelings.

and my nipples were hard. One of my. nipples stayed hard for, dude, probably. seven or eight years, bro. My left. nipple. I remember. Oh, it was just so. sensitive, you know? It was just just a. tender, just little, it was just like a. little just a little [ __ ] mole of. sensuality at the tip of my little, you. know, chest, little boy, little just boy. breast. And um and anyhow, so we.

supposed to meet in at this party. She. and I were going to meet off in the. woods and we're going to get do some. [ __ ] You know, I was going to, you. know, be the recipient of this, you. know, novel new practice really as far. as I was concerned because it was new in. in my zeitgeist of thought or or. zeitgeist of life, you know, nobody was. getting this. This was this was hot. activity, man. And. uh and so we started, you know, kind of.

kissing a little bit. And I was nervous, dude. I was so nervous. I couldn't have. I didn't I I didn't have any feelings in. my body. And so she was like kind of. getting my junk out and a mom saw us. Dude, somebody's mom came up and saw us. And I just felt so ashamed, bro. Oh, dude. This mom walked up and saw us, right, dude? And there was like a pine. tree right there. And I went and hid. behind the pine. tree. like there was no.

other like there was it was so obvious. and then and the mom's like she knew me. She's like Theo. And I just pretended. like I wasn't there, bro. And I was. literally 9 ft away from her behind this. pine tree and she like walked over a few. feet at a different angle and she could. obviously see me. And um and anyhow, that kind of ended the relationship with. the young lady. uh you know there was. just too much it was just I don't know I.

was just nervous and it was just brought. a lot of attention to you you know when. you could be the future recipient of the. first [ __ ] out of all your friends. it's just all people are asking you. about is this and this and this and you. know about your you know your how you. feeling today and making sure you eat an. extra lunch you know you got to gear up. and you know make sure you you know. you're not they're giving all like idiot. kids giving you like a m Don't. masturbate. You got to masturbate. Like. just crazy advice and just whatever, dude. And eating different foods, you.

know, man, you got to, you know, you got. to drink more water. You know, you got. to make sure your dick's right, you. know. So, I was doing all kinds of crazy. stuff, man. I remember um barring some. my mom's lotion and putting that around. my crotch and every I mean, I was, you. know, I was just a young guy. I was. going through it. So, that was just kind. of like my first oral experience, dude. It didn't go well. And I think I carried. a lot of shame from that because I was. just a lot of embarrassment, you know, and and uh and then the girl and I ended. up breaking up and I think I was kind of.

bummed cuz she was really a really cool. chick and who knows if she'd ever given. a [ __ ] before. Um but but anyway, that's my early [ __ ] story. Uh but. yeah, man. I just had Oh, I got a peach. yogurt. I got a peach yogurt as well. because they got these fruit bits in it. and that's good stuff. So, I got that. peach as well. Um, I want. to I want to get to uh a question from. somebody. I'm tired, man. It's late. But.

on Snapchat, the. blessed asked me the B L S asked me uh. what's my favorite road uh comedy story? And I'm going to tell you this story. This this is a story that was told to. me, but it's the best story that I've. ever heard. So, a comedian told me he was performing. one time in the Midwest somewhere. And. after the show, this hot chick comes up. to him right off the stage and starts. flirting with him all over him. And he.

was like a moderate looking dude. You. know, I'm an eight. I know I'm an eight. I'm a healthy eight, bro. Long as I take. care of my teeth, I'm an eight. I'm cool. with where I'm at. You know, I'm not. jumping in conclusions. But this guy, he. told me he's like this hot chick and he. said she was out of she was out of my. league. That's what he said. She was all. over me, bro. All over me. So, you know, the place starts to shut down. We have a. couple of cocktails. She and I are both. liquored up. And I'm like, "Well, why. don't you come back to my hotel?" And.

she's like, "Well, why don't you come. with me to my. place?" And the next day, he had to fly. out the next day at like noon. Uh, so. he's like, "Uh, you know, I don't know. where it is." And I think it was in. Cincinnati. is like, I already don't. know kind of where I am and I don't know. if that's the best idea. And he said the. girl got kind of upset, but that she. came back to his hotel with him anyway. So, they start kind of making out in his. room and this girl was like one of those. crazy girls that like starts biting you. You ever get that girl? Like you're just.

trying to kiss and she's like trying to. bite you all sexually, but like you. know, like she'll like bite you on your. chin and she bites you too hard and then. you're pissed off and you're, you know, you're missing a little bit of skin or. something on your cheek and you're like, "What the fuck?" like th this is not joy. for anyone. This is not joy for anyone. But anyway, so he said she was like. that. She was all over him and biting. him and just kind of pulling his hair. and he didn't even have much hair and. now he doesn't have really any hair at. all. So I wonder if that kind of. resonates with him a little bit when he.

thinks back. But uh but anyway, she kept. saying, "Let's go back to my place. Let's go back to my place. I've got. drugs. I've got pills." you know, um she. kept saying uh that her dad was a doctor. and she's got pills and all this stuff. And my buddy started to get freaked out. He was like, "It was at the point where. she was so hot that I kept keeping her. around and I kept getting bit, but it. was scary. It was scary." So, finally, he's like, "Look, you got to go." And. when he said that, she like threw a. phone book or something in his room.

This is when they had phone This is when. they had phone books. Uh and a phone. book, dangerous [ __ ] instrument. Thank god we evolved to um to just like. uh online yellow pages or white pages. because that thing probably a lot of. spouses and you know weak males have. lost their their life to a phone book I. bet. But anyhow he said that she threw. the phone book at him started throwing. [ __ ] in his room at him. So he kicked. her out. Well, the feature act, the guy who was. opening up for him on the road, a.

younger dude, was right down the hall, right? And he heard the commotion or. whatever. So, he had come to his door. And while the chick is leaving, she sees. him. And she'd seen him on stage earlier. before, too, cuz she was at the show. where she met the headliner. So, she. starts flirting with this guy. Well, he. doesn't really know what has occurred. He just knows that this hot chick all of. a sudden is all over him, this young. dude. And she's like, "You should come. with me." And so, of course, the young. dude, bro, you know, his nuts are.

straight up whispering in his ears, "Let's go." So, he left. He left out. with her. Um, they took a taxi or. whatever about 40 minutes and they get. out to this house and like off this like. kind of a little bit of a not shady. area, but like a wooded area. and she. takes him inside and they start hooking. up in this room and she's like, "Do you. want me to is it okay if I handcuff. you?" And he's like, "Sure, yeah, that's. cool." You know, he's like all fired.

up. So this chick like handcuffs him and. she'd taken some pills or something. right when they got there and they're. all [ __ ] up. Well, she handcuffs him, starts giving. him a [ __ ] and then she passes out. like unconscious, like in his lap, like. unconscious, dude. Um, which has got to. be I mean, I can't even imagine. And. he's handcuffed at this house. He. doesn't he doesn't know this girl.

really. And the door to the room is. open. Um, and then he sees headlights flash. across the walls like a car turning into. the driveway. The driveway, right? So, this dude's losing his mind, bro. Probably just coming in his brain, but. not like real sweet seed. Probably just. straight up scare and fear. just juice.

just flowing out of his his cerebellum. stem into his brain, right? And then he. hears the front door open like with keys. and a man, a grown man walks past the. room, peaks in, sees him, sees the. girl, walks into the kitchen. He can. hear the guy in the kitchen, hears the. guy do some stuff. Then the guy comes. in, picks the girl up. It's a man about.

in his 50s. Picks the girl up, takes her. out of the room, and the whole time my. buddy's like ap, you know, or not my. buddy, but this guy's the feature, this. guy who's there who's chained up to the. bed is like apologizing and and the old. dude's not talking to. him. So, he's like scared out of his. mind. And they didn't have cell phones. It's before they had cell phones. So, he's like freaking out. There's nothing. he can do. Um, the dude comes back in. He's like, "Don't make a word. Don't make a sound.

Don't say a thing." And he sits on the. bed next to the guy and he's like, "If I. ever see you with my daughter. again, it's not going to end well for. you." And the dude is like scared and. squirrely and everything. And then the. guy gives the young dude a [ __ ] man. And he tells him like if he doesn't go. along with it that, you know, I don't. know, maybe bad things are going to.

happen or whatever, but he gives the. dude a [ __ ] bro. Like with a face. and a penis, dude. And that's the And. then so the guy finishes or whatever. The dad then goes into the. kitchen and like apparently like made. himself like a sandwich or something. I. guess the kid said he could hear the dad. in there making a sandwich. And not the. kid. The guy's not a kid. He's probably. in his early. 20s. But then the dad comes back in, unlocks him, tells him if he ever sees.

him with his daughter again that uh that. it's that things are going to be even. worse, and then just kicks him out of. the house. So then you got this young. dude walking in the middle of. nowhere, no phone, gets to a pay phone, calls the headliner, the dude who had. kicked the girl out of his room earlier, calls her and uh calls him and says, "Man, you got to come pick me up. Like, this is where I am." And the headliner.

came and picked him up. And when the. when the guy got back in his car, that's. the story that he told him. He told him. what happened and that and that's the. story that that headliner told me and. that's the best road story that I've. ever heard. I mean it's it's not great. obviously because you know there's a lot. of crime in there. There's um there's. sexual you know deviency. There's you. know I mean the guy I guess got. orally you know raped or attacked. You. know it's not right but it's [ __ ].

wild bro. You know what I'm saying dude? That's a crazy story. And I can't. imagine that this headliner could make. that up. I mean, it's just too intense, man. It's just too intense, bro. So, the blessed, that's the. craziest story I ever heard. I know that. this uh this pod has had a lot of. profanity and stuff in it, man. And I'm. sorry, bro, but I'm tired, you know? I'm. tired. And when my brain gets weak, sometimes it resorts to verbal, you. know? It just wants to be naughty. It. just wants to be naughty. He want He He.

got a naughty brain. He got a naughty. brain. But yeah, I'm going to break down real. quick. Maybe just a run through, quick. recap. Uh, I got to eat yogurts, you. know, so I'm square there. I thought. Melania looked good. Um, thoughts and. prayers to the people in Georgia and. Mississippi that were affected by the. tornadoes. A lot of death over there. I. got to get my triceps in order because, you know, this um, and I got to check on. this click and hip, you know, because. uh, because it's just you're losing.

points there sexually. I think if any. younger girls or girls, not young girls, you know, of age, adult women have any. thoughts on that, let me know. Or yeah, women, you know, if you're married and. your husband is body's clicking and. stuff during sex, how do do you do you. acknowledge that? Do you let that pass? Um, men, if there's something you do, if. there's like a silencer or something you. can put on, like do you wear a brace on. your knee or something or, you know, wear like a thick uh cue around your. waist to kind of hide some of the click. or muffle it? Uh, let me know. Um, if.

you see two homeless people making out, do what I do, bro. Call the cops, bro. Every time. Call the cops. And the. ladies like, "Well, what's the crime?". And I'm like, "If they if they have sex. and have a child, they're going to make. a immediately that child is homeless. Immediately." And I don't think that, you know, outdoor people and people that. are having trouble don't deserve the. best, but I don't know if that's the. best way to go about it. So, what else, man? Let me just give you.

a uh I'll give you an update on how I'm. feeling, bro. I'm. feeling I've just been feeling a little. down in the dumps, honestly, this past. weekend. So, it's kind of a bummer. Um. you know, I feel a little bit sick from. that dude's uh headphones, but but yeah, my spirits just aren't super up. So, I'm. hoping that tomorrow, you know, will be. I mean, obviously, tomorrow's a new day. And I'm going to start off with um, you. know, hopefully maybe a little bit light. prayer, maybe some meditation. Um, I'm.

still stuck with my no masturbation. policy, so that's going strong, you. know, and I guess there are some. positives and I just got to focus on. that. Uh, but sometimes it's not easy, you know. Sometimes it's not easy um to. keep, you know, just life's tough and. sometimes you don't even know what it. is, man. You know, like I suffer from. depression a lot of years. You don't. know what it is, but it could be. anything, you know. You know, it could. be anything. So, but that's a little bit. of what's going on with me. Uh I feel.

like we've been going for a long time. So, I'm going to postpone Yeah, I'm. going to postpone those oral sounds till. next week because we already talked. enough about sexuality here today, I. feel like. And um and that sort of. thing. Uh, but I got another great story. about from my youth about oral sex, but. I'll tell that another time. Uh, but. yeah, if you have any thoughts on the on. the on the episode or on the podcast or. anything, just let me know, you know, cuz I'm trying to do my best. I don't. know what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm. literally just sitting up in my.

apartment just talking into um a. recorder in the middle of the night. So, it's I mean, if this ain't weird. um I don't know what is, but everything. is. So, but I do appreciate you guys. listening to me. I feel a little bit. better than when I started. I almost. kind of feel like I had somebody to talk. to a little bit. So maybe that's. bizarre, but I don't know. Everything's. bizarre. But uh but take care of. yourself. Why don't you do that? Huh? Be. good to yourself this week. You know, you owe it to yourself. Uh to try and be.

good to yourself. You know, take some. contrary actions. If you're not feeling. good, try something different. You know, if you got somebody to love, tell them. you love them, bro. If you got a mother, call them. Tell them you love them. It's. the only mother you ever ever going to. have, man. It's the only one you ever. gonna have, bro. I don't care how much. you hate her. Give her a buzz. Listen to. her for an extra 10 minutes. Did I call. mom the other day? I don't even know. what the [ __ ] she was talking about, dude. And most of the time, I don't. But. at this age, even though we, you know,

had odds at a lot of time in our life, I. just listen, you know, I just listen. Um, I just listen. I'm not saying that. I'm a good person because of that. I'm. just saying that uh that I know that one. day I'll look back and and probably. regret that I didn't. So anyhow, yeah, sorry if I'm kind of dower, you know, I'm just being however I can be. But. congrats to the Atlanta Falcons fans. Congrats to the New England Patriots. fans. Man, Bill Bich, he's good. He's.

good. Pittsburgh didn't show up. Um they. just didn't show up. But [ __ ] the. Saints, man. I love the Saints, but I. just cannot deal with Shawn Peyton as. the coach. Got to go. Anyhow, that's. enough sports talk. Um, I'm actually. going to look on some stuff online how I. can strengthen my neck a little bit. I. bought this neck weight thing a while. back. It's like this hula hoop for your. neck. Uh, but it's it seemed more. dangerous I felt like after a while than. um than actually beneficial. But we'll.

see. We'll see, man. But this is January. 23rd. I hope you have a great week. Uh, and again, any constructive criticism, I. know this this episode got long. I'll. try to make it shorter in the future, you know. I'm just I don't even know. what I'm doing. Um, but take care of. yourself. I got some dates coming up. I'll be in Baltimore in uh in February. Oh, no. In in yeah, in February, I'll be. in Baltimore. Uh, there's a chance I. could come to Jacksonville. I should. know that tomorrow. Um, and I'll be in. Virginia Beach this coming weekend.

Actually, this weekend. and I'll be in. Chicago the following weekend, February. 2nd through 4th out in Shawnburgg. But. we got a lot of cool dates coming up. this year. Um, and I appreciate you guys. being here. Uh, this is this past. weekend, man. Have a great uh have a. great day, huh? Take care of yourself, huh? All. right. That's. it. That's it, boy. So weird that we do this in. America, but that's America, man. We're.

a weird place. I think we're starting to. recognize that. I think everybody's. starting to recognize that. But I'm. happy that I live here, man. I feel just. blessed to be in this country. The fact. that we can even discuss how people. feel. I remember going to Cuba once and. uh and people would run up to the. windows and they would tell us like that. they were. prisoners. But I was an American. I was. just drinking in their streets and being. a dumb American. But I do remember that.

So, we're pretty blessed, man. I am. We. all are. Do we recognize it? I hope so. I don't know. I don't know what I'm. talking about, dude. That [ __ ]. homeless guy. Just got to carry my own. headphones with me from now on. I just. shouldn't have listened. I shouldn't. have listened. I knew I shouldn't. I. just a hit. I knew it wasn't going to be. a hit. There was zero chance of it being. a hit, dude. But part of me wants, you.

know, my inner loop pearlman wants to. just wants to, you know, I don't know. what whatever, man. You guys be good. Huh? Hail to the chief. You're the. chief. You are the chief, whoever you. are. Hail to yourself, huh? Be good.