Tim's Big Audition with Chris Distefano | The Tim Dillon Show #308

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim. dillon show we are here with uh comedian. krista stefano from new york. city thank you for coming we appreciate. you've never done the show ever have you. ah. i've never i'll tell you what i've never. done it in this studio are you nervous. about this. l.a no just being on the show. you know here's the deal we're the new. rogan. i don't want to i don't want to start a. fight with him right but i literally. will yeah we are the new joe rogan. experience.

what happens in that chair. can destroy your life or it can save it. yeah the only difference between this. studio and joe rogan studios joe rogan. has beef jerky made out of native. americans in the waiting room yes he. does he does like barrels of whiskey. yeah and uh and armed security and navy. seals. that are armed security but i'll tell. you right now ben's got great hand eye. he does so if you start a problem he's a. real lanky guy but he's got good hand. eye and he he can get down on the ground. with you he's a grappler ben is ben a.

grappler i don't know probably not he's. one of those guys i wouldn't i wouldn't. [ __ ] with ben at all well because he has. that wasp cold texas thing so you can. just walk away he doesn't know what. emotions are so he doesn't feel which is. what's so good and that's why he does. good at the job if you did if you did. ben's face on that face app face swap. thing he would seamlessly fit into most. mass shooters profiles 100 facially 100. yeah yeah he's got that face the only. reason ben doesn't shoot up a school is.

because he doesn't like traffic. right like he come you know what i mean. like he'll be like oh my god it's. [ __ ] nine o'clock there's still. traffic but i'll tell you what with all. the over saturation that's going on in. comedy and entertainment in general the. last stand of going viral might be a. mass shooting there well what a what a. great way to get banned from every. platform at once see this is guerrilla. warfare now they come on. the podcasters come on they try to get.

you banned immediately that's what we. should all do we should all just go on. each other's shows and try to get banned. like try to get their. like i should just go on uh taste buds. with uh sal and derosa yeah uh great. show and what i should do is when. they're arguing about peanut butter and. jelly i should go do you think black. people have different skull shapes than. white people. until they're taken off youtube that's. the only way we can win now is get each. other kicked off honestly it's i would. like to go back i was telling ben before. he got here like go back to like opie. and anthony vibes yes you know what i.

mean do things like that yeah because i. think that's what real comedy is yeah we. got to try to get got to try to get each. other banned yeah to try to get. everybody banned and you know we'll see. what happens for me. i feel. i feel safe. that no matter what happens because i'm. surrounded by transgender and puerto. ricans you were very smart to build to. put yourself on an island full of brown. people yep who have mutilated their. bodies yep that is such a benefit for. you what's been beautiful about my life.

the last month is my father yes uh who. we call tampa tony is up from florida. yeah he's been staying with me for a. month and it was the first time he's. ever been around tt jerry who's a. transgender puerto rican person nanny. nanny. yeah she's my show tt jerry is my uh. kid's mom's godfather yes did prison. time for 20 years transitioned in prison. and is now my youngest daughter's. godmother right same person right so. it's very fun to see to tell my irish. catholic conservative bringing her up. right now here she is. yeah she looks like john cicada with.

aids yeah um so and she does have aids. and there's nothing wrong with that hey. whatever it is it is right yeah and she. it's in remission yeah and sometimes it. flares up i'll tell you what she doesn't. have covered right. um so so what's been interesting what's. been nice is watching my father because. you watch the news long enough you get. brainwashed a little bit to think that. you know a a transgender. latino inmate wouldn't get along with a. conservative fat guy from the bronx. right who now lives in florida and they.

you could you you couldn't be more wrong. about the reality of the situation which. is that they are best friends yes they l. the other night they're watching. fox news right like my father has fox. news on all day every day it's what it. is it's what you expect 75 year old guy. from florida so uh tucker carlson is on. at night and tt jerry's watching doesn't. know anything about you know the news. doesn't watch it at all. she you know she watches wendy williams. and stuff to get the news and she tucker. carlson is on and out of nowhere uh tt.

says. uh to my father she goes you know for a. white guy tucker carlson looks like he. probably got a big dick. and my father was like you know i never. thought about that jerry and they had. like this moment yeah where it was like. they then started. talking about you know both watching. fox news because tt was you know thought. thinks tucker carlson is legitimately. hot and hasn't stopped talking about how. she wants tucker carlson's dick and my. father loves his politics but they came. together yeah and they dropped my kids.

off at school at summer camp every day. so i think the people at the summer camp. are like what is this old man with. diabetes and fake knees. walking around this transgender puerto. rican woman saying she wants to suck. talker carlson's [ __ ] for dropping off. these two little girls right and it's. what my life is and it is the new sitcom. yeah it is a new sitcom that no one will. make sadly yes well no one's gonna make. well we don't know. if anything i'll put it on youtube yes. that's what i'll do you should i would. it's a new modern family it's a new um. it's it's it's kind of like the new uh.

everybody loves raymond but with the. transgender you are getting to something. that i think is legitimate and that is. that. people when you go online everybody. hates everybody right when you actually. put people in a room together oh my god. it's actually not the case. no yeah no no i don't well we see that. comedy shows no but everybody's fine. everything is fine everybody's fine i. know there's issues there's issues. there's issues but that's why i moved to. staten island because now i'm on an. island of yeah you want to complain. about an issue yeah it better be the. right issue that's right because if.

you're complaining about another type of. issue you're going to be asked to leave. that island you know what i think what. i've learned is that. when people. are. really concerned with politics a lot of. the time it masks the fact that they. themselves. are bored sure it's boredom yeah it's. real boredom and to which i present to. them many many options including drugs. yeah it is to i was a drug addict for. many many years it is a better life.

it is more interesting you are more. focused uh i i mean taking a nice drive. to go get oxycontin in suffolk county. long island you know. to me is a better way use of your time. than arguing over facebook about health. care yeah and not enough people. are out there not enough people are. talking about actually saving white. people right we have to save the whites. i was just in providence rhode island. and they're and they're all dying all. these white people are dying of heroin. overdoses they have blue lips and.

they're sunken in eyes and they follow. you around in a drug store and it's. uncomfortable i was in a dunkin donuts. in providence i was just just there last. weekend i was in a dunkin donuts in. providence i mean full meth crackheads i. bought a donut a you know a powdered. sugar i i blew i went in the parking lot. because just in case there was a little. fentanyl residue on it i was like i'm. not sure no it's it's so bad right now. yeah and louis c.k can't put everyone in. a movie you know and also not everyone. can get louie on the podcast right so. that's the whole well he's doing all of.

them if that's what i'm saying he's. doing everybody he's gonna do ours in. august that's amazing we're not talking. about the movie. we got a big show here we can't just. spend an hour talking about the movie we. can't spend an hour talking about it. we'll tell people to go see it but. there's other questions we must ask ask. now um i i wanted to do this because. it's very interesting they just you know. you you do some acting not a ton not a. ton i am doing a volkswagen commercial. tomorrow because germany's fighting back. yes and now they've hired you which i. love yeah i love that volkswagen goes.

you know what. yeah forget about diversity inclusion. let's go with the most german looking. head we can find what is the commercial. do you know yet it's literally just. going out there i'm i'm trying to now. sell the volkswagen atlas um which is. the truck which is a truck which is a. beautiful truck which actually is good. for me with the family i have what you. should have negotiated you they should. have given you a volkswagen atlas well. so we're still but that see the thing. times are tough right now right that's. the thing is i literally was like i have.

why did i have taken uber. to the you know from the airport why was. i not picked up in a volkswagen or give. me a volkswagen right like we genuinely. don't have the money to give you a. volkswagen you just pay to do the. commerce yeah and that's it so you go in. there and do you know what the script is. yet do you know what you have to do it's. kind of something it's about like the. rules of the road kind of thing like. volkswagen's. yeah i like a company yeah implicated in. one of the greatest is did did. volkswagen get involved i know mercedes. was but was volkswagen involved i. believe volkswagen wasn't but i like.

that they're still focused on order yeah. there's something nice about okay so the. rules of the road. well so what happened was it's too much. the way i even got this gig is the head. it'll come out weeks after you're paid. yeah so yeah. well. the only reason i'm talking so fluidly. is because the money's already in the. bank oh great and you won't get it back. that's great so no matter what i'll move. to another country so so i i'll move to. germany where i'm free so. so i'll uh uh they said that the head of.

volkswagen um or whoever the digital ad. people whatever were looking for a. german comic and they couldn't find the. german comics so my name got picture. like his last name is the stefano but. then the head of volkswagen took a look. at me was like there's no way that guy's. not fully german right and. so that's so so i like a company too. that although they're in about. inclusiveness they include everybody and. all this and that and you know they just. are like who's the people are going to. buy the car let's get a guy who looks. like the people who buy the car i've. never kind of like that and i'm i'm this.

is anecdotal i've never seen. a non-white person in a volkswagen no. ever in my life no which is fine it's. fine. it's fine it's called the demographic. it's fine i'm not gonna be the. spokesperson for lincoln navigators. right you know right it's a great point. so and that's fine right that's fine i. don't know why there's such an issue. about these things like for example. sometimes you just have to be strong. with people so last week i wasn't home. they had to fix the air conditioner uh. units in my in my house and one of the.

guys went up there guatemalan guy went. up there and i fell through my attic. ceiling right fell on the floor whole. thing blah blah blah blah blah so then. all of a sudden the foreman calls me he. goes yeah my guys his neck hurts now all. of a sudden his neck is hurting trying. to look for some cash so tt jerry being. a career criminal goes up to that room. and says oh you know your neck cards and. the guy says cec and he goes uh he goes. well do you have your papers i just want. to know if you have your papers. and then and then so and then the guy. was like no paper no paper and he goes.

yeah he goes through them go back up on. the ladder right and fix the ceiling. [ __ ] yeah so you would think that. and i i wasn't there this was all told. second hand to me of course but but i. but i believe that it happened that way. and that ceiling was fixed and. everything was fine and then there was a. crew of people that came into the house. after that to do some patch up uh some. some of the other air conditioning stuff. and then a ring went missing somebody. stole a ring oh so they were gonna come. you know we had it was a big thing and.

tt jerry just flat out said if i don't. get if i don't get that ring back. because it was all the same proof i. don't get that ring back i'm gonna go to. immigration and i'm gonna make sure this. guy gets deported and then guess what. about an hour later the ring was left on. a paint can outside the house so. sometimes this is the pilot of the. sitcom yeah i want you to go in you're. in la right now i want you to go in. and i want you to pitch this hulu. netflix. amazon prime uh hbo max i want you to go.

and so this is the resolution of the. pilot yeah my puerto rican transgender. somewhat republican. uh uncle ant. uh goes and threatens to inform on the. paperless undocumented worker and gets. the ring back yeah end of episode one. yeah who's in yeah well how about and it. was it was it was fireworks but this is. the way real life is the story in real. life stop making fire island you gotta. make which by the way it's god bless. everyone but the movie is about gay guys.

who go to an island to [ __ ] for a week. and somehow have a bad time yeah somehow. it's bad no they're going to an island. to take molly and [ __ ] this new thing on. hulu but somehow they're everyone's so. racist they can't have fun. the mali and the hormones don't overcome. the racism nobody. in the world right nobody in the world. right has more fun than gay men and. black women yes these are the two groups. that's right far and away because the. most fun when they go.

they've been through [ __ ] and they. realize that you have to have fun yes. right so to me it's just funny the idea. of making a film about going to a [ __ ]. paradise right which is what fire island. is right and why are you looking up fire. fest he's so dumb. he's so dumb he's looking up fire fast. right now we're talking about a movie. called firearm yeah he's looking up. firefighters yeah do you realize what i. deal with do you understand right how.

how hard it is for me and how impressive. it is i've gotten anywhere with this. with this dead weight [ __ ] yeah. carrie just dead weight right. but my father watched it he thought it. was not so rich asians yeah. yeah that's what he thought it was. he was like yeah. he was telling me. yeah uh but it's it's just funny to me. there's no more and nobody wants to have. fun anymore no no films are about having.

fun everything's about educating people. teaching them lessons it's like. you're going to an island where. everyone's going to [ __ ] and they go. well maybe some of them are racist who. cares yeah suck each other off yeah what. no you're right you that's bothering you. yeah it's literally my child who's a. seven-year-old we watched look who's. talking ever seen the movie look who's. talking of course in the first five. minutes of look who's talking in 1989. with john travolta kirsty alley first. five minutes somebody blows up they blow.

a load into the into the uterus and then. they got the embryo falling down and the. sperm just gets in the egg and right. away it's [ __ ] it's jizz and in the first. first five minutes they have babies. taught you know the little babies in the. you know right who are born um and and. uh they have an indian baby and they. just give the baby who's you know. talking in a in a voiceover in indian. accent like they did yeah i want to be. reincarnated my daughter's on the floor. laughing her ass hilarious i'm like but. meanwhile then they went woke on one of.

the last pixar's and my kid [ __ ]. hated it right it's like just say what's. funny please right the kids don't give a. [ __ ] right you know just be goofy and. silly just be goofy and silly we know. it's not that big of a deal the last. pixar was woke is this where buzz. lightyear yes that's the one yes. but no no no uh is it where he he gets. the salad tossed. no that because there's one where buzz. lightyear gets a salad toss but. lightning. buzz lightyear looks like me get a buzz. lightyear from the new piggy he. literally looks like me to a point where.

my conspiracy is that they. literally i mean look. i mean that's insane there it is that's. insane there's buzz lightyear with a. chin full of colors and i think he's is. he gay. in the movie buzz lightyear is gay he's. gay he's gay in the movie we haven't. seen that one yet there was another one. though where they had some woke. messaging which it's whatever. i um i don't know but yeah i mean listen. i don't care whatever i don't i don't. give a [ __ ] about my kids seeing right. gay trent whatever you want to do just. make it funny make it fun i don't care i.

don't care because because the bottom. line is the way i view it is my children. are going to get the education in school. and then they're going to get the. education at home right so whatever you. put out there it's my job as the kids. parents my whole thing has always been. leave kids alone let them discover who. they are and what they. uh value in life i think kids are over. parented oh my god yeah and i think that. you know teachers in school their job is. to give kids the fundamental basics. reading writing a rhythm that's right i. don't want you to talk to them about.

anything else i don't i don't think they. should because the reality of the. situation is. teachers you know and i mean again i'm. gonna i'm gonna get some flack for this. but. you know it hasn't been going well with. just the reading and the math and the. science not in this country right so. let's focus on that and not so much. trying to build these kids in every area. of their lives i'm very big listen i was. left alone a lot and sure you could say. oh you're doing coke at 13 and blah blah. blah sure you're having fun but i have a.

bentley now so here's the point there. you go the reality is and people go oh. that doesn't matter yes it does it does. it absolutely does yeah. um. and it's 2018 it's certified pre-owned. there are problems. and i you know what i mean and i i. understand that because but the reality. is i was left alone and to figure it out. nobody came to me and said you can be a. girl. you know what i mean nobody came to me. and said you can suck a dick you find. out that you can suck a dick through. trial and error yeah you find out and.

it's not something that has to be like. nobody has to sit you down and explain. to you. who you want to [ __ ] right you know yeah. that's figure it out i know i think i. think we get so worried about the youth. in this country and like you said we'll. figure it out the thing i think like the. the school my daughter goes to now which. i like again being on staten island. right they don't lean into any of this. stuff my daughter in a couple of months. ago you know they have field trips to. the to capital riot 100 different yeah.

she came home with a coloring worksheet. a couple of months ago with you know. they're teaching them about men and. women right and life and careers she. came up with the coloring worksheet it. was coloring you know different people. and what their jobs were the woman had a. broom and was cleaning a stove top and. the man had a hammer to a wall. that's what it was thank you yep. yeah that's what it is now it's. confusing for my daughter because she's. like tt jerry what which one is that. right i'm like that's.

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and um yeah i really i support this and. they matched me in under 48 hours did. you know that the therapist that one. happened yeah and i love my therapist. now so. our listeners get 10 off their first. month at betterhelp.com there's tim d. that's betterhlp slash tim d it's. important to do. there's a new show on netflix called. heart stopper they have an open call. and this is a very big show it's a lgbtq.

or ia2 whatever show. and it's i'm sure it's lovely i have no. beef with the show that of course one of. the people in it they ask him if he's. gay he's not gay and he has to go well i. don't want to tell you because now. everyone will go nuts if they find out. he's straight the kid in the orange kit. connor is probably. most likely straight maybe maybe there's. a little but i mean the reality is but. they have an open call there's an open. call for a cast member who is a uh. uh 16 year old and again one thing that. i think about people like me and you is.

that we haven't been given a shot to act. in uh the way that uh many people in our. industry have right and so it says. heartstopper announces casting call for. exciting new role for season two with. lgbtq plus actors encouraged to apply. sorry chris that means me yeah and. here's the role okay. the role right here because i think it. is actually perfect for me. is going to be can you go up ben. thanks ben it's please go up more.

i mean here's what's amazing here's what. these podcast producers don't realize. they've all won a lottery right so let's. be very honest they've all really won a. lottery yep they've won a lottery yeah i. don't care what they tell the other. people in their lives yeah they've all. gone to the casino and just they've won. a lottery yeah and and and that's real. and that's why everyone online hates. them right like all the comments like. ben should die because everybody else. wants to be in the lot they want to win. the lineup they want to win they're like. they go i can i scroll up i can scroll.

but i don't know if they could see the. thing is maybe some of them couldn't. some of them probably some of them. couldn't and also some of them some of. them the thing what i think was the x. factor with ben is you have trust. because. because he's not that good at this but. he's decent i trust him a lot because. here's what will happen but he's he's. not quick like jamie vernon's very quick. right but he's not really quite some of. these other but he doesn't look like. homeless pimp either which is good which. is the homeless pimp you have to leave. outside of a hotel lobby yeah well not. anymore. now oh he's getting better losing weight. he looks good now he's doing well let's.

relax with good but it's on the way yeah. it's in a positive positive way he um. but yeah see ben is trustworthy because. some of these other podcasts uses they'd. unlock that back door yes they'd unlock. that back. for sure yep that's what it is for sure. heart stopper season two open call now i. love this because i feel like i could. actually breathe life into this role. casting for the role of sahar zaheed. there you go sahar zaheed actor must be. a minimum age of 16. uh playing age 16. ben i don't want to.

put you under too much pressure could. you find like sides or and that's the. industry terminology for some type of. script or. what because i'm literally not on the. show we are going to film an audition. for zahar. hadid. a 16 year old in the netflix show heart. stopper and look see look i kind of look. like zahara hadid you don't go go look i. want now you focus in on zahara deed. there you go. not too far off that's actually kind of.

perfect you get a pair of ben's golf. pants yes an old sweater a wig one of. the you know so what get get maurice's. wig by the way i love that this is an. open call this. would be like several years ago this. would be the photo in a health book of a. person that needed to really like work. out yeah this would be a before picture. before picture they go for example as. you can see. molly has been eating too much. she needs to stop eating but so now ben.

what do they want here from uh zahar. uh sahar zhang. we're looking for a plus-sized actor of. british south asian. heritage who identifies as female or. non-binary now by the way let's all just. for fun imagine that coming across the. desk of an executive like lions gate. in 1992. 1992 it comes across miramax it's harvey. weinstein's desk and they go we want a.

plus-size actor of british south asian. heritage who identifies as female or. non-binary and harvey wants he goes the. hell we do yeah so okay i'm by the way. professional experience is not essential. let's talk for a minute about the. direction that this shitty business. we've gone in has chosen because this is. actually kind of stunning yes it's kind. of stunning right this is a hit show. on netflix right it's one of their. biggest shows they go we are looking for.

a fatty bombati. from. british uh from whose british south. asian heritage. who identifies as female or non-binary. professional experience is not essential. meaning you don't have to be an actor or. an actress to be on our hit show to be. on our hit show you just have to be. non-binary or. a fatty boom battery that's all you got. to do and i i mean it starts sahara is.

in year 11 at higgs no-nonsense. independent a little cynical at times. that well sure i'd be cynical too. because i'm not an actor or actress yeah. and yet i'm on this show yeah. now listen i'm not i'm gonna say. something here that's gonna get me in. trouble but the person who answers this. call if they're not an actor or actress. should be raped because the reality is. what are you there for like i would be. like you're going to molest my kid if i. was the parent they go they don't have.

to be an actor actress just send them on. in. if you feel you're right for this role. we'd love to hear from you via email. only please send a recent photo a little. bit about yourself and contact details. ben got a photo of me recently no we're. sending this right now we're sending. this right now i've had enough let's. make an email i'm sick of being limited. yeah and it said that daniel edwards. casting is committed to yes. what are they committed to thank god. wait hold on read this chris please. daniel edwards casting is committed to. equal opportunities for all performers.

regardless of gender race disability. religion or sexual orientation except on. the first page they said you have to be. yes fat indian from [ __ ] britain. right so that's what so what are you. talking about daniel edwards yeah daniel. edwards is a big fat liar liar and but. here's the deal i love gulab jamun which. is an indian little uh donut that spits. uh it spits like uh syrup okay um. because have you ever had gulab jamun i.

i thought that was the new d.a of new. york. my point is that who's to say what is. and isn't right. you know i identify as non-binary. because because some days i feel like a. little bit of [ __ ] sure and sometimes i. feel like a dude so i am none but i'm. coming out now i'm kind of coming and. i've said this before right being gay. isn't enough so i'm non-binary now which. means gay plus film i'm in movies that's.

what i wanted what does actually. non-binary mean you're not you're. genderless you're you're not a man or a. woman you're in the mix you're on the. spectrum like which used to just be. called a human being who has different. gender feelings all the time like we all. do right sometimes you feel more. masculine sometimes you feel more. feminine right this also doesn't make. any sense because the people that. usually say it also go gender is not. real at all sure so what is this binary. of this thing that doesn't i don't know. well it gets tough because i had i had a. very very person you know non-binary one. of my kid's mom's family members very.

woke right all that you know talking i. had a big pool party a couple of weeks. ago yes right on the heels of the roe v. wade stuff i know that's just. controversial but what i will say it's. in the pool we had tt jerry who's. transgender you know on on a rubber. ducky float saying screaming that life. begins at conception right. and then and then this person said the. woke said said you can't say anything. about it you can't say anything about it. you were you're a man and she goes no no. no tj said i'm a woman i identify as a. woman so you said it right because i'm a.

woman i can speak on these you know what. kurt metzger calls that. an intersectional car crash yes that's. what kurt metzger calls what it is an. intersectional car crash here we go this. is a photo of me. and it's just too open call at daniel. what's right here let me just say this. comes across my desk i'm not and me if. you said if you said. you know if i was daniel edwards casting. which is committed to racial equality i. would say this isn't necessarily not.

a south asian. woman yes you have a south asian glow a. huge. glow and a hue you could be this could. be you know where that's from that's. from remember the show at arlene's. grocery oh of course new york city. that's a photo i believe it might be a. mindy tucker oh she's the best mindy. tucker. yeah somebody during the riot somebody. threw a molotov cocktail through. arlene's grocery really swear to god. yeah down in that area yeah but it was a. fun little venue it was a fun little it. was rebecca trent.

so now here's what i want to craft i. want to craft an email because now get. the thing up then what what do they want. because they've asked for certain things. in the email please send a recent photo. a little bit about yourself and contact. details. um. okay where so listen to this oh dude. that last part is funny too let's go. back to the last part let's read the. whole thing daniel edwards cassidy is. committed to equal opportunities for all. performers regardless of gender race. disability religion or sexual. orientation where gender height race or. appearance has been specified we can.

confirm such characteristics are a. genuine requirement for the role so. where we are saying. that you have to be something it's a. genuine requirement for the role but. yeah we're committed to equal. opportunities for all performers yeah. unless which by the way it's hilarious. to me because the second part of it it's. like well of course of course it's like. why don't if danielle was casting just. [ __ ] be honest just say just put a. picture up of pumbaa from the lion king.

and say this is what the person means to. look like. okay ben i want you to tell them. about myself okay okay yeah. um. first thing i would say i'm over 18. mm-hmm. i am overweight. and i'm over not being on your show lol. [Laughter].

i am not. south asian. [ __ ] ben spell asian right. i mean christ almighty with him. i am not south asian but. now keep the period okay but all caps. okay. but. now i gotta kind of prove my bona fides. as a south asian non-binary person right.

now okay. now. what is south asian non-binary people. like. what do what does a south asian. non-binary person what would they like. yeah south asian non-binary based in the. uk what would i would say they would. like fire island. they'd like the movie fire island. okay. i'm over 18 and i'm overweight and i'm. over not being going to show lol i'm not. south asian but i love gulab jamun there. you go is this all caps no but south.

asian means indian right is that what. we're saying yes and others. i would say but i love. gulab salmon gulab jamun g uh. g-u-u-l-a-b. uh. j-a-m-u-n i love gulab jamun i love. gulab jamun and i also and i love hasan. minaj's homecoming king yes i love. hassan minaj's homecoming king on. netflix on netflix. yes i also. a homecoming king on netflix yes.

yep okay but i love glob drama and i. love hassan minaj's homecoming king on. netflix. the. the skills i bring to the role are. being fat. [Laughter]. next sentence. [Laughter]. i. i am. also.

very. happy. to work. with a team of people. that really value diversity there you go. for this role. i will need. to put on brown makeup. and i will do so. tastefully. there you go. because of skin problems.

can you type any faster. because of skin problems it must be all. natural makeup. we also need to come up with a plan yeah. because we will be accused. of doing quote brownface. yes. however. however. when people realize.

that i am quote that [ __ ]. 100 that [ __ ] okay. they will forgive us. okay. sincerely. tim dillon. now go two lines down go. tim dillon. is a non-binary. [Laughter].

south asian. woman. [Laughter]. a south asian. male tim dillon is a non-binary male. presenting south asian woman there you. go very good nailed it yeah it's good. who is committed. to fat activism. comma. equality. comma.

equity. comma. inclusivity. comma. communism. comma. overthrowing. the patriarchy ben hit return yeah yeah. yeah indent. opponent might look weird. overthrowing. the heteronormative. white. patriarchal.

capitalistic. violent. oppressive. eco-terrorists. jews. no don't put that that's a joke that's a. joke now i'm kidding about that yeah. okay tim dillon is a non-binary male. presenting south asian woman who's. committed to fat activism equality. equity inclusivity communism.

overthrowing the heteronormative violent. oppressive uh. uh oil just say petro uh say uh uh. it's the violent oppressive petro narco. state. there you go there you go. send. send. send it. what's the subject line here um. i put tim dillon submission but your. lucky day. now i wish they had.

uh sides for me but i don't think they. care if i'm actually an actor or actress. you have to be uk based which is it's. all it's interesting hello. um i'm in the uk you know i'm fat and. brown. steve will do it is a supporter of the. tim dillon show and you should support. steve will do it on youtube but steve. will do it. uh youtube he has a lot of fun things. that he does he does new videos every. tuesday on his youtube channel steve. will do it is the breakout star of the.

nelk boys prank collective. he uh see if he can get one of these. compilations up where he just drinks you. know he really has done an amazing uh. thing here where he drinks uh quantities. of alcohol that should kill him but they. don't. um. like he's uh here's a chug edition. yeah he's you know this is a uh. he's uh. uh insane.

and he's you know he's like this. ultimate frat boy but he does good. things for people like he'll if he sees. like a mexican family he puts him in the. back of a pickup truck and drives him up. the road. there's things he does that really like. you know so he's able to really drink. like this like it's oh that's wild no. the things he does dude i mean it kills. people like. i mean dude it's like making me sick. watching. washing it logan paul's looking at him. like what the [ __ ] is he doing. oh my god i mean this is crazy.

yeah dude it's it's crazy it's crazy. it's crazy watching this. it's like really i mean he just got on. this. he became part of this group by doing. [ __ ] like this it's crazy. so anybody talking about that they can't. make money or they don't have a job what. about this. everyone can drink a bottle of vodka. like that or at least try. no but i mean that don't do that. i guess you'll.

you'll. you'll die or you'll become a famous. millionaire. i don't know. choice is up to you you want to roll. that dice. he's wild with the chugging dude some of. these are downright uncomfortable. jesus. oh he's that's a bottle of proper 12. oh wow.

i mean it's crazy wow. it's crazy man i i mean it's but he's. kind of he's now doing different things. in this he's not just doing this. he's doing a lot of other things where. he'll find. uh like someone with one leg. and. like design a special obstacle course. for them. you know like he's doing different stuff. you know. but that's crazy to watch that chugging. what is that.

like that level of. how do you survive the only guy i know. that's done that is that shoe nice 22. guy on youtube and he would have an. ambulance nearby like medics right there. you're like out of the shot by the way. am i looking at our show oh no that's. just cropped wrong see look in this. monitor up here on the left but i'm out. of the shot well that one's cropped. wrong is too i need it so it was in the. shoe i needed it for monitor i look at. both we're perfectly fine actually it's. amateur hour every day here folks every. hour's amateur hour my father gave me. this tv special to me yeah oh nice it's.

the only thing i gave you. steve will do it go visit him on youtube. steve will do it he's got over 4.7. million subscribers get him to five get. him to 10. he deserves it he's still. here. how about boris johnson just stepped. down he stepped down well you know what. he's a fun guy and but he went he had. that party during covet yep and people. got upset he's a little corrupt but i. don't understand if my leader had a. party during covert that makes me vote. for him i know not against him i know. you know i think what was upsetting to.

people. is it was maybe you know it's it's. something he can get him on everybody. knows these guys are shady right yeah. you can't get them on anything so you. get them on like this little thing. um. i love that like all the people but he. also tried to get a job for a woman he. had an affair with but again it's fun i. mean what do you i mean what are you. gonna do. isn't that feminism you got to keep her. she's got to keep her mouth shut isn't. that yeah it's like you know i liked it. you know who maybe. these old politicians were the old. politicians were probably way worse but. we didn't know anything about it i like.

that yeah i like not knowing i like the. shadiness of it there needs to be some. type of uh. you know. like these politicians i believe. have to have a little fun. of course you've gotta have a little bit. of fun and it should stop short of. putting kids in a barbecue with the. clintons on episodes island yeah but. you got to have a little fun like. he's trying to get a job for a woman. that he had an affair with but she's of. age it was consensual you know what i. mean what we know about politicians this.

doesn't even this isn't even in the top. 10 [ __ ] up things they do no you no no. jude maxwell uh is uh. in new york she's in jail. can she get visitors. no i don't think you can get visitors. don't you have a lot of friends. in the like cop thing yeah well they're. complaining at that barbecue where tt. jerry was yelling life starts at. conception in a rubber ducky float. the the the with wearing a shirt i swear. to god wearing a t-shirt that said.

newport not newport rhode island newport. cigarettes so absolutely beautiful it. was that was her merch so she what she. what hers what her gripe with the. maxwell thing and how she was yelling. about racism tt right is she saying why. why does maxwell get 20 years but r. kelly got 30. she goes that's racist oh. and she goes kelly should it why does. why does kelly get more time than. maxwell here's the reality jizzling. maxwell doesn't even make beautiful. music that's what i said yeah i said.

it's not i think what happened with r. kelly was that um he's black. yeah. that's what happened and then no but he. i think he was maybe more directly. involved but maxwell was too they can't. really prove. a lot of what maxwell did because then. it would implicate a lot of other people. that are big deal boldface names so you. think 1 000 i'm sure you guys talk about. this a lot you guys but you think 1 000. bona. celebrities on that list 100 proven but.

can't too much money involved they will. never we will never see that list. publicly ever in our lives 100. yeah and i'm talking about. prime ministers presidents. uh big people in our government. billionaires absolutely they're on it a. hundred percent now was that presented. do you think the judge to the jury look. at the people that are just in the orbit. bill gates. bill clinton. look at the people that are in this. orbit right these are.

high. ranking. like whether you know ex presidents. people that. are. you know incredibly powerful right so. much money right uh i don't believe we. will ever really know. the full scope. of what was going on we can only imagine. it they have an island. in the south pacific right right so. think about it you have an island. you have a plane that is flying people.

to an island. for essentially sex tourism that's what. it is you have one of the largest homes. in manhattan one of the biggest. townhouses maybe the largest per square. foot i don't know but it's one of them. it's up there okay. you are backed by the guy who owns. victoria's secret and the limited. billionaire les wexner who you're. quote managing his money or whatever. you're doing. you are. in business with the woman whose father.

was a media mogul in the uk. robert maxwell who. uh died very suspiciously. on a yacht. um. and was believed to be a mossad agent. and there was articles written about him. and you know very seymour hirsch like. very good reporters have written about. the extent to which you know when robert. maxwell died i believe there were like. four heads of israeli intelligence at. his funeral for ex-prime ministers of. israel so you have all of these things.

happening you can only imagine the scope. of this how bad it would be. how deep the rabbit hole goes. if everyone was exposed because it was. probably a u.s israel u.s operation. where. politicians were compromised they were. blackmailed there were film doing these. things with underage people. they then. were. forever owned. by the interest that blackmailed them.

what would you rather have would you. rather be able to see that epstein's. list or get the role as the fat south. asian oh south asian because i kind of. know the abstinence that's what it is. you could throw a dart and get to the. epstein list yeah i mean it's just not. that hard i mean you could literally i i. could off my dome just start writing. names and get to this now is prince. andrew going to prison. he's not it's just not going to happen i. don't think it's going to go to him i. mean i don't know i would have told you. that i don't i didn't think just elaine. maxwell was going to prison much he's in.

and and i still think she might get. killed i i think that they need there. needed to be a sacrificial lamb. because what needed to happen was. chiseling maxwell. uh needed to go down because epstein. epstein needed to die. here's what i think happened. i think they realized that epstein might. have talked. he might have been too much of a risk. she needed to go. just lane maxwell you got to remember i.

don't know if epstein had like a family. just lane maxwell has lots of sisters. and family they're an intelligence. family the dad was. she might have more of a code of honor. to whatever you want to whatever human. trafficking honor can there be but you. know but the idea that she has that. omerta kind of mafia i'm gonna keep my. mouth shut thing or she may die too i. don't know but it does seem at this. juncture that epstein was judged this. guy's way too much of a risk he may open. his mouth he might have a psychic. episode right blah blah blah because my.

always question with that is how did it. all start to unravel like why who let. the secret out so you think epstein. himself did it. well i think well no epstein was accused. by women of uh you know but why now my. point is like why why did it all fall. down now you know what i mean right well. i think somebody had to do something. well i think you basically had fbi. agents that were like we we. we have a case here we have a strong. case and i think it got to a point where. there was a mountain of evidence where.

there you know there could have always. been a mountain of evidence but i think. at a certain point what had happened was. epstein served time he got a sweetheart. deal in 2014 for molesting an underage. girl and then he was basically released. back. uh. and he was still having dinner with. people like chelsea handler and those. people after his conviction right i mean. he was still having dinner and hanging. out with very influential people well. dinner with chelsea handler i believe so. i mean. i could look that up but i believe.

that's true that's wild no but i believe. that's true i believe that's true well. it's like my father always said and i. believe that dinner was after and i. think it was like people like katie. carrick i i'm unsure. okay so chelsea handler. uh recalls star-studded weird dinner and. absolutely dumb so when was this though. uh was this after. i did go to dinner jeffrey epstein's. house handler told low i don't know who. jeffrey epstein was it was like 20 i. don't know what it was it was a long. time ago i went with katie clark yeah. okay so i remember this woody allen and.

suny previn were there there you go not. a great sign yeah um. so so the deal is that this didn't stop. even after he was convicted. okay. um. these types of things didn't really stop. they might have slowed down or calmed. down um but there were more there were. people working on that case. and and there was more they had victims. people willing to come forward a lot of. times it's victims. that come forward but they they don't. have the corruption sex trafficking has.

like exploded now there's signs in. hotels that say if you're a victim of. sex trafficking or trained you're just. training you look at kids with their. parents who are they being trafficked. it's like they're their parents this is. a real thing now this is a prevalent. prevalence that's always been a big. thing i think now with the internet it's. much harder to get away with things if. there was no internet jeffrey epstein is. not probably going to jail but i wonder. if these victims couldn't find each. other you know it just makes me think. sometimes with the internet getting so. big and you can't really every secret. can be exposed somebody's going to press. a button going to want to start this.

thing over again you know what i mean. like society gets wiped out somehow. because of all this yeah i gotta have. secrets i think the reality was you you. you basically have. a group of people that have controlled. the planet for centuries literally not. knowing what to do with this. and you can see with a lot of the. censorship they're trying to really like. clamp down on what you can say and and. they're branding a lot of things quote. unquote conspiracy theories right. because you know epstein would have been. called a conspiracy theory but there was. too much evidence and there was too much.

out already but by the way they would. have classified that as a conspiracy. theory if they could have so that is why. it's important to be free online and. stuff like that um this has been going. on forever they've been trafficking. children forever the founding fathers. could have been sex traffickers we have. no idea thomas jefferson george. washington. they were slave owners so what's worse. that's a great point. you tell me what's worse that's right. what do you want honey let me let me ask. you something sweetie would you rather. would you rather john adams john.

quinciano's be slave owner or sex. traffickers he's one of two he's one of. two which one is it and maybe both. well that's why you get the presidency. my whole thing has always been you know. the internet has been this now it's like. this. it was the wild west for a while and now. people are coming and clamping down and. going hey. we got to introduce some guardrails and. right people have used those words right. i remember you know being in a clubhouse. remember clubhouse and i was on that.

[ __ ] nightmare killing it on that god. i was i know i thought it was great yeah. i think you you might have been went the. furthest off to andrew schultz he was. right and he was right andrew schultz is. like yeah the next big app will not be. where the weinstein brothers talk about. like math on it he's not wrong about. right now he was right about a lot he. was right about that yeah and uh the the. other thing was that i was in a. clubhouse room and somebody's like we. got to introduce these guard rails. online and it was this uh you know the. woman who's the bumble the billionaire. who started bumble whitney oh whatever. so this idea.

and then of course it's like well that's. nice but what are the guardrails and who. decides them right right so. it is one of those things where i don't. think they ever want a situation like. this to happen again right i don't think. they ever want. uh this type of information to leak. right i don't think they want people. organically to to to figure this stuff. out and however they can control that in. the future they will well i'll tell you. what you you know i think we're living. in this very weird time and i hope i'm.

wrong i really pray and hope i'm wrong. but i believe in 10 years. you will look back at the internet and. it'll be almost 100 completely corporate. right and it will it will look a lot. more like. uh television did where it was just all. corporate sponsored. uh and it had the entire it had an. edifice. of you know that it was creative and. some of it was creative but a lot of it. was you know this was big business right. and you can see it now already happening. oh yeah well already on twitter i've.

been signed in logged into my twitter in. about two months now i have my girl. benatia tweets everything out tweets out. the dates tweets and and literally. getting off that app it's great it has. you feel better so emotionally. instagram there's a little bit of it but. not like twitter well i did it because i. was spending time on it way too much. time and i'm going i need to be writing. a book are you back on it now though no. no ben just tweets clips. i need to be writing a book writing a. movie i need to be working on things. that i can that are actually meaningful.

and valuable i'm not saying it's bad to. have a twitter following it's helped me. it's helped sell tickets i've tweeted. funny things but when you realize when. you look at the sum total of it right. you know how many hours have i spent on. that app and what do i have for it what. am i going to release a book like the. tweets you know like what have you. gotten back from that app. um you know i think i think it helps. certain people and it helped me for a. while but i got to a point where i said. i got to allocate time better yeah and i. got to work on things that can be. something because you know at a point in.

our career you know. you got to start looking at the end game. of like well what do i want to do i've. had this great show i want to do this. show for as long as i can do it right i. also want to write a book which i'm. working on i want to make a movie listen. you'd love to make two or three but i'd. love to make really one classic movie. that people like and uh put out a few. comedy specials that people like after. that it's kind of like i mean what else. are we you know yeah i mean you know we. talked about this. we've talked about this before it's like. you know now we're gonna have to have an.

amalgamation of things in comedy. specifically and entertainment all of. entertainment right we're gonna have to. have an amalgamation of things if we. want to really get out of this yes. because you know we're not going to get. big money on the comedy specials the. movies all it's all because but like. anything else it's not even about. entertainment just you got to do. something because you love it and the. money always comes second that's what. oprah said. who would be great for the role in that. netflix movie my friend said they saw. her do cocaine once in mississippi in a. church right and i don't know if that's. well thank god she didn't get pregnant. there but that's the whole. and well she's gay.

oprah is well with gayle right oh that's. right i mean she's a gay fully named. gayle a man named gayle isn't laying the. pipe well no no no her husband's name is. steadman and you'd think steadfast. pipe oh steadman oh the i thought the. guy's name gail king is oprah's gay. lover very interesting you've never seen. this open gal. gayle king is oprah's gay lover oh. beautiful deadman. is uh her. that's oprah's gay lover.

steadman. her husband i believe is her beard. this is again uh bandied about talked. about okay so this is like a lot of. people know about this well people have. said it. oh there's stedman. there you go but they are legally. married. i don't know no they're not they're just. together. i don't think they're legally married. you know what's interesting at that. level. at that level you if you're steadman. it's like just live in a house. yeah like they got an estate montecito.

she's got properties everywhere like. just because nothing's gonna get better. no if you divorce her even if she gives. you a care package yeah it's gonna get. better it's like why you know like i was. with my father this weekend we were in. providence and we drove through newport. yeah and he was just talking to me he. goes you know i don't understand like. why people who get who marry into like. these homes like this why don't they. just keep their mouths shut and just. suck everything up because we were. driving looking at these mansions and my. dad's like money doesn't solve all. problems but it solves most of them well. we're living in a time right now where.

people are actually over self-actualized. we can wow okay we came from a time. where see oprah winfrey and steadman. graham had a wedding years uh ago but. never got married right. once their engagement news had been. spread to everyone in the world oprah. and steadman planned to tie the knot in. 93. they never chose a specific day. no one else is interesting i don't know. if he's i got to spend time my father 75. years old all weekend with him and it's. interesting he was telling me he was. like you know you you you and and and.

your and your friends and your. generation you guys have too much so. that's why you get to press all the time. because you have too much stuff he's. right you have too many things my father. was like i haven't taken a [ __ ] in five. days he goes if i took a [ __ ] today. and i that would be the highlight of my. day he goes i would feel so i would feel. like a million bucks right he goes if i. gave you a million bucks you wouldn't. feel like a million bucks because you'd. look at one of your peers who has two. million bucks he goes so who's rich or. me or you he goes it's me because all i.

have to do is [ __ ] and my whole life. will get immensely better so i don't. have anything he goes you have all these. things and you worry about the hole in. your ceiling now you got you know what. car do you want all you have too much he. goes get rid of he was like i want you. to get rid of when we go home get rid of. 95 of your clothes i said that all i got. to do is text another girl and have. jasmine see it she'll do it for me right. she'll like the whole thing [ __ ]. fighting yeah i said so so i can see. that one two three but he was like get. rid of your [ __ ] he goes you have your.

kids you got your house get. stop over consuming and i guarantee. you'll get happier and i think that. that's the big thing like yeah with the. suicide all that we have too much [ __ ]. well. i you. i believe that there you know when i. when i look at it this is the way that. i've always. uh internalized it i i believe that. different people need very very. different things to be happy right and. the problem with the culture that we've. created is we flattened everyone the. internet's flattened everyone and we've. basically said that everyone's the same.

and everyone needs the same things and. that's such a disastrous message to. people because i know people that are. only happy when they are working right. and i know people that are only happy. when they're not working and i know you. know here's the thing knowing somebody. like my dad who's old school whatever. and then again knowing jerry right not. even about the trans stuff jerry but. knowing someone i don't know if you've. ever got a chance to know someone who's. been. institutionalized 20 years or 22 years. in prison right she said the comment the. reason why you have repeat offenders is.

not because they're necessarily bad. people she was like i will never repeat. offend. i don't think she will she's like. because i i have a home with you guys i. have a life i i love the kids so i have. something to go home to she's like but. it took me a while to assimilate she. goes the best thing that happened to me. is as soon as i got out of prison cove. it happened and the pandemic and the. world got shut down because it was a. slow assimilation back in society she. said when you're in prison. and every you don't have to do anything. your meals are given to you you're told.

what to do you have to go to bed at this. time you have to go wake up at this time. and this this this there's she said you. relax there's something nice she said. about like socialism and communism where. i don't i'm not forced i don't have to. go out and make a million dollars it's. not possible she goes so you're so. relaxed but when you get out into the. real world after staying in that for 20. years you start to get so anxious she. was like that i need this i got to have. that i got to have the right smile i. gotta have the right no she's like when. at she was like at a basic level she. goes the happiest i was when i was in.

prison after i got used to it because i. was like i don't have to do anything if. i don't make sense it makes sense it's. also you know we listen we live in a. country where everybody's told they can. be the boss the ceo the star the [ __ ]. athlete right everybody's told they can. be the best everybody's told and listen. there's a lot of that that makes america. like a very great place but then there's. a lot of that where it's like nobody. tells you what to do if that doesn't. work right no but this country does not. focus at all on plan b. right country does not focus every movie.

everything made is about following your. dream. conquering the thing yeah but there's. very little thought given to actually. how to construct a life right in this in. this country well that's why for me at. least having kids that's right helps. because i'm like oh literally. pushing my daughter in a swing or taking. my kids to school and having providing a. life for them is like that's it like. what's else do i have to sell at msg all. right sure i'd love to but what let's. break the if you just make everything.

smaller i think that's what my dad was. trying to tell me when he's just. constipated and mad he's like just you. you have too much [ __ ] you're trying to. make your life too big make everything. small and you'll be happy i know and. that's how he lives because we'll never. do it no no no not at all. no they're not everyone it's also like. the whole time i've been a little. worried i'm half sold out in burlington. yeah yeah i'm like come on you democrat. [ __ ] guts it's like i'll talk about. bernie sanders here's the deal it's like. you know we all have these experiences. where you whether it's near death or. whatever you know you take a test at a. doctor he's like it's negative whatever.

it is and you go how can i get upset. about anything small and then the next. day you're back to yelling and screaming. about traffic. because that's the reality that's what. it is it's just what it is it's the. reality of life i think as you grow i. was just watched on the plane out here i. watched the anthony bourdain documentary. i think what you need to do next time. you look at your father you don't have. [ __ ] enough yeah you go i put you on. the podcast you have a youtube channel. what what's your [ __ ] digital media. strategy yeah you got to flip it on him. yeah you know you have any live dates. yeah you have representation yeah i. would say if i make my life smart i get.

less gigs how you gonna [ __ ] embezzle. my money to gamble it on [ __ ] fanduel. you piece of [ __ ]. shout out to fanduel yeah. i like fanduel no moral judgments. everyone's a winner yeah um not my. father where can the people support you. if they if they choose to as a white. south asian non-binary woman anybody can. support me on netflix i have my own uh. netflix he has the netflix special and. i'm gonna have one too maybe mine's out. by now i don't know yeah we we. pre-recorded this because we got to do a.

little vacation in august ben's going. ben's going to europe with his wife oh. there you go she's going to europe for. like i mean i mean these people. when they tell you where they go you. just look at them and you go how do you. people how much money do you have they. have more money than me these people. believe it it's. it's disgusting i believe he's gonna i'm. trying i'm gonna make sure he's able to. go for at least 10 days maybe even the. full two weeks with his woman with his. woman i i am just you know. yeah you'll be out by the way anyone who.

knows tory burch. please we're gonna do this on every show. have her contact me. fashion designer tori burch please have. her contact me thank you. i don't even know who tory burch is of. course you don't i [ __ ] meet paul. [Laughter]. um. christy comedy.com for everything. patreon.com says christy comedy. especially whether you on netflix that's. really all you need to know are you. going to do.

chris what'd you say you want to promote. these dates here oh yeah yeah yeah let's. promote some dates let's promote some. dates but. chicago theater september 30th that's. the best there you go there you go. and san francisco cobbs come out your. homos yeah really nice oh really yeah. we're going to add a show at the. fillmore in philly by the way yeah first. one's sold out um. because he wants to go gallivant europe. so i have to what country's in europe. and slovakia uh my wife had planned a. trip where she's going to see her friend. in slovakia and her brother in germany. oh my god yeah so i'm gonna that'd be.

nice he's getting [ __ ] kidnapped i'm. going to allow him yeah to go. so. beautiful she's going to go for two. weeks she might like to be there a week. without you which is her she would with. her friend with her friends i'll go for. like five days yeah you go for a little. bit but you know what i mean the thing. about him what amazes him is how much my. commitment to work all the time right. and you know it's really enriched his. life he's enriched his life to see. someone and to be around someone who. just works constantly and i know he's. got a dumb smirk on his face because he. thinks it's funny but it's not funny.

everything i'm doing whether it's. whether i'm in real estate i'm trying to. fix up a house or or i'm working on this. show everything i'm doing is to provide. an example for him right and i hope i. hope he takes the lesson because i won't. be here forever one day i'll be gone and. he'll be. sitting there. in my [ __ ] house probably yeah with. his [ __ ] family yeah and i hope he just. appreciates what's been done for him. he'll be doing the podcast with chelsea. lynn yeah chuck chuck they will move her. fat ass into this chair. so quickly she'll play you in the movie.

about your life. chelsea. the tim dillon story. chris thank you so much for coming we. appreciate it bye bye.