The War At Home | The Tim Dillon Show #367

ladies and gentlemen Tim Dylan is on. tour It's the final leg of the American. royalty tour Rochester New York New York. New York Pittsburgh Pennsylvania Houston. Texas San Diego California Detroit. Michigan Toronto Ontario Austin Texas. Brea California Columbus Ohio Bethlehem. Pennsylvania Washington DC Northfield. Ohio San Antonio Texas Dallas Texas. Atlanta Georgia St Louis Missouri. Indianapolis Indiana Boston. Massachusetts and then Foxwoods in. Connecticut go to Tim Dillan comedy.com.

promo code fake Biz F A ke b i. z what tickets are on sale now tickets. are on sale now and then after this I'm. taking a nice long break so get the. tickets enjoy the show and then you'll. never see me for a while then I'll be. back 90 days later screaming about that. I'm kidding I'm taking a little bit of a. break these are the final markets that. we haven't done the hour in you're going. to love them.

you're going to love the show it's a. great show we don't if you're for Israel. for Palestine no matter what you're. for you come on out kill each other at. the show you have a big fight at the. show you everybody fight at the show. I'll sit on stage and have a sandwich. good night ladies and gentlemen welcome. to the Tim Dylan show um I'm here happy. Halloween we are uh progressing we are. moving forward uh I have.

on my head something called a I believe. a Shamong yeah and a and. a. uh. yamah I'm representing. both um and the Free Press which is. Barry. Weiss's even though she won't come on. the show because I am in Hamas that is. the one reason she will not come on we. have the Free Press. hat that we are displaying prominently. on the desk.

and you know I. mean I just got out of the comedy store. with an amazing audience and with a. great. show and I I'll I'll let my mouth come. out a little bit here because I feel. like that helps with the audio even. though I I do like it up like this. right it sounds the same right it sounds. a little muffled what do you like about. it like this well because I like I. actually see the point now of you know. really getting into somebody's. eyes and the whole idea is that you.

can't really understand a person until. you've looked into their eyes but no I. do I do probably to do the. show is a. little it's a little muffled we can do. this um and we have our yamaka. here for the for the Jews and we have. the Princess Diana bear as. well. um.

you know uh I'll probably have to take. this off too my we my face is is very. blotchy so I put a lot of. uh some type of weird thing on it that. made it worse MH and I now I look Corps. likee and because I look very pale so I. I I wash it off and then instead of just. whatever recording it another time I had. my producer I said just fix me an. Islamic headdress which he was able to.

do very quickly we here in Beverly Hills. it was not a problem able to do it. immediately um but I do think. unfortunately we will have to kind of. you know take it off and. then it's hard it's hard to God it's. tied in the back you got it is T it is. it is difficult it is difficult it is. difficult to to do these things and to. um to keep them going but we do we do we. have them all here for everyone we are.

we. are everybody is you know I have a lot. of people have been very negative about. this war and I've been one of them and. I've realized that that's kind. of self-defeating to be negative about. this. conflict I think actually we. must actually with unironically. here look at some of the the benefits.

of this and there are there are some. they're not obvious there's obvious. benefits to having an ice cream. sandwich or or bringing a sick friend. some chicken soup these are obvious. benefits but when it comes to a war of. civilizations or whatever is. happening you know but you know. everybody's like oh we're on the brink. of World War III I've said it a bunch we.

are but here's the. deal we need this a little. bit we need we're coming out of a. pandemic we're out of it now but we have. a lot of economic. uncertainty we need a little bit of hey. we need a little bit of turbulence we do. we don't function really well without it.

since 9/11 we've had it whether we've. manufactured it or it's happened. naturally we need a little bit of. turbulence turbulence makes the flight. go by a little faster it does because. you're a little scared and you're kind. of like and you're not thinking you're. just not watching the clock you're not. watching that you know the thing that. they give you the flight map where you. watch the the the flight make a very.

slow. progress to where your final destination. is when you start getting rocked around. in the sky you don't look at the flight. map and then you're like oh we made some. time we need a little bit of turbulence. this is. actually I know a lot of people are. negative a lot of people are upset a lot. of people are rightfully concerned about. their own safety the safety of others. the safety of their family can we zoom.

out can we Zoom the out for a. minute look at this in the. macro we need. it we need it we need the we need. destroyers in the sea we. need planes buzzing each. other we need to build some. weapons it's what we. do this is what we do it's who we are.

and I think it's time that we embrace it. and stop. pretending that it isn't. good it has its. drawbacks substantial loss of. life is one of them I could be one of. the we don't know who gets it we don't. know who's going to get it we never knew. but in the macro.

this is what our country does this is. what we've built a an arsenal of. Weaponry to. do this is why we have all these bases. this is why we have this Labyrinth of. intelligence agencies this is why we. have all this. stuff now you may not like it and I. might agree with you you might make a. lot of good points but no one cares. about your points and no one cares about. mine we are all passengers on a a voyage.

we are. passengers on the V we are in we are in. coach some of us are in first class none. of us are in the cockpit none of us are. are landing This Plane none of us got it. off the ground we don't know where it's. going this is not an you could go on. Instagram you can go on uh I can't right. now because the Pizza Hut video which. they were not thrilled with I'm having a. little time out and I'm realizing the ER. of my way I'm sorry and I realize that y.

y to the to Yum brands to the people at. yum. brands I am sorry that I implied in a. video that Pizza Hut supported. Hamas I apologize to the good people at. yum brands the people that poison are uh. citizens and our children the people at. yum brands whose job is to see how much.

plastic they can legally put in ranch. dressing and how much saturated fat and. trans fat and sugar and all these things. they can cram into every morsel of of. food that they serve to children at Mall. food courts and uh Community College. food courts killing the people that they. serve the good people at yum brands I. apologize for implying even satirically.

which it clearly was that Pizza Hut was. in any way in League with Hamas even. though Pizza Hut and Hamas are kind of. similar in many ways certainly Pizza Hut. and the Palestinians have some. similarities Pizza Hut's not running the. show we could admit that Pizza Hut's not. really happy with the way things have. gone the past 10 15 years let's admit.

that mhm so I thought it was quite clear. that if anyone was going to come out and. endorse Hamas it would be Pizza Hut who. has it's been nothing they've done. nothing but lose ground to other better. funded you know expansionist operations. like Papa John's and dominoes and so I'm. in a little uh timeout over. there I got to give credit to where.

credit is due I do respect Amy Schumer. for going out and speaking her piece you. may not like it you may not agree but. she is going out there and she is not. backing down and people are giving her a. lot of for what she's saying I. don't know what she's saying now because. I'm not on Instagram because of young. brands in their Infinite Wisdom who have. hit up the great people at meta and of. course are going at me but I respect. people that go balls to the wall and say.

this is the way I feel and I don't care. if you don't like it and I got to say I. mean I'm probably not her favorite. person I don't know we've never had any. conflicts that are that you know huge we. I mean I've disagreed with things um but. I would say that I do you got to respect. when someone is in the public eye and is. going hard for the things that they feel. are right. and.

true and what I'm saying about this War. and what I'm saying is that everybody. better enjoy it it's not going anywhere. you better get to like it you better. like it's you better figure out what. about it you. like it's like your stepmother no one. wants a step no one wants a step parent. I've said this before it's a horrible. thing for children to go through to have. a stranger come into your home and.

simulate a a role no one loves a stepar. parent it's never happened never one. time and and and I don't mean that you. won't begrudgingly tolerate someone or. that you and that person can't have a. friendship like you would have with a. local librarian that you know what I'm. saying is deep love is hard with a. stepparent and and and but you better. but your father or mother loves that. person and you better figure it out and.

this country likes War we like it and. we're going to and we're gonna maybe get. in with you because that's kind of what. we do and there's got to be a part of. you that just resigns yourself to it you. you you don't have to be on war footing. per se no one's asking you to to do. that's the good thing about America we. don't ask you to do it. Israel is asking their people to do it.

all we ask you to do in this country is. eat there's something nice about that. we're on the brink we've been in Wars. forever I no one has even asked me or. any of my friends to do a sit up or run. around the track or learn how to fire a. gun or you know no one we are asked very. little where all we're asked to do is is. sit around and consume buy crap throw.

on a charge card you know move in. with your brother and Charlotte and try. to get a job we can do whatever we we. don't have to make any sacrifices. there's enough people to do that when. they don't ask us to do that we're not. asked to do that nobody get not hello. yeah it's time to fight what time to. fight today. what do you mean the Ukraine what no.

one's allowed to be gay what do you mean. you can't be trans if R in Russia and. they're GNA make you not be Trans in the. Ukraine yo I was sleeping you're GNA be. in a War now no one's saying. that no one knocks on your door and goes. hi do you understand that they don't. have a real housewives franchise in. qar no well you better get your.

head blown off so that one day they. do that's cuz that's a lot of the. rationale we have now is that you know. but and I listen I'm not saying it's. it's it's sad for gay people in Guitar. although I did read an article that. there were some gay people guar they. were having a good time I don't know. what's happening I'm sure they're not. but there small groups of people that. are very sh about it seem to be okay my. point is that nobody asks you to. sacrifice anything in this country. uh for our lust for blood we have a Lust.

For Blood and yet nobody really asked. you so you should really maybe not be. that mad about it now I know I just. spoke to a guy at The Comedy Store his. aunt was killed in a drone strike in. Gaza which is sad and by the way if. anyone wants to paraglide to my aunt's. house I have her address but the. point is how come everyone else gets her. ant killed um the point is this that is.

sad but he didn't know her that well the. point is this I'm saying for a country. that goes to war as much as we do that. is always involved in something or other. we were in Afghanistan for like my. entire life for my whole life no one. even knew no one even knew they actually. stopped reporting it on the news nobody. even asked so my my thing is is this. you're not asked to do anything in.

Israel they call up their reserves they. actually have to. fight there was this really sad story. about a kid in Maryland we're not going. to get it up put it in. post it is what it is just trust me I'm. not lying to you folks not making things. up here I don't have to every minute I. don't have to go to the article and. be he was a kid he's like 22 or whatever. he splits his time in Israel and America. the way I do it in in uh you know New.

York and uh LA and Texas I travel around. the world and that is the World by the. way New York La in. Austin after this thing happened he goes. to Israel and he's killed immediately by. a Hezbollah rocket and it's tragic and. he's a hero because he believed in this. thing and he was a Soldier and I. respect the hell out of somebody like. that and in Israel you you. you have to you're that's your thing.

everybody does I believe a mandatory two. years of military service in Israel and. then I believe you like kind of go into. the reserves they fight they are asked. to make a sacrifice in. America not. really right there's no draft no draft. yet there's never going to be a draft. there'll never be a draft in this. there'll never be a draft in this. country there'll never be a draft in. this country there'll never be a draft.

because I mean unless we are. completely besieged but then we have. weapons we have we we've invested what. we've done which was intelligent. actually we looked at our population and. said we better have good weapons we. better have great weapons because our. population with all due respect are. morbidly obese fentol addicts who commit.

sex. crimes you know that's many of them not. all but a good amount of our population. are morbidly obese fentol addicts. committing sex. crimes those people are a liability now. why did how did they get there I don't. know we poison them all by you know. serving them paint chips and yum brands. and all their food they shove. down your throat and you know all of. this crap and every and we've lied to. them and we've poisoned the well with.

the media and everything else and we've. confused people to the point where many. of them are walking around in a in a. Fugue State kind of they are an extreme. liability to have on the front lines of. any War the average American on the. front lines of any War they'll kill each. other they'll kill each other they will. not be an asset to the operation it is. much better with drones and it is much. better with technology now you're. looking at me but you're agreeing with. it you must agree with me here the front.

lines of a war with an average American. right now would be a a. disaster the military does not want the. people they don't want them they've been. asked the government has asked the. military would you like a draft do you. want the citizenry they don't the. citizenry in America is two years to. killing each other you it's not. cohesive Russia there are emptying the. prisons so they can fight in the Ukraine.

Russia has almost no prisoners left. because they keep opening the prisons. and letting all the prisoners just go. fight in the Ukraine and maybe we would. do something like that I I don't know. but I cannot see a draft happening in. America it just doesn't seem like it. would be. good for the uh like you know. cohesion I mean I mean could you imagine. like maybe some people would rise to the.

occasion MH but a lot of PE people have. their phones out they'd be taking foot. like you can't just take the this. population and turn them into honorable. soldiers now you. can't you take them T them in honorable. soldiers now no you can't teachers are. like dating their. students I mean what are we doing here. we're going to turn every I'm I just. drove down the street there's. influencers with their with their tits.

out there's car crashes because people. are swerving around these idiots you. can't turn them into loyal. honorable soldiers at the moment it's. not going to happen that's why if you go. out into the California desert we have. underground facilities with with the. Machinery of death we have. invested in the Machinery of death so. that that will do the job for us that's. the same that's got it's the same.

reason we have the robot. cops coming into all the cities because. we've realized technology is going to be. the thing not people not people you're. you're it's not my. fat. Brethren my drug addicted I mean how. much medication is every American on. right that they'd be expected with in. the military they'd have seven pills. they need every day to just not kill the.

person next to them they need three or. four pills to get out of the tent to. just go on about their day there is no. draft can you imagine. that Mr Sergeant has anyone seen my. Prozac it was next to the. zenx it's next to the. squil there'd be massive Pharmaceutical. operations to just get the people out of.

the tent every morning get the gun in. their hand they have no here's one thing. we would have no problem killing. children there is benefits to a draft we. would have no qualms killing. children if if I I if we had to I mean. we would van it would be no problem to. kill them in our in our country we would. have no. conscience there'd be no moral qualms.

about anything we had to do it would be. the simple fact of like could we do it. in the allotted amount of time would we. listen would we be organized that's the. worry that would be the worry like how. does this actually happen what is the. functionality of of drug. addicts who eat yum Brand's food all day. how do they so we not going to do that. America is not keen on us in the war.

zone in the Battleground we don't even. try we've never even try like we are. basically like keep the people away let. the people do what they're designed to. do go to the mall go to the food place. get the food get your prescription go. home go do the phone scam go do. telemarketing scam the old people call. the old people tell them their roof is. get their credit card number you.

know what I mean like that's what people. really in this country are meant to do. go to the call center go to the call. center get here's a list of people call. the people get their credit card numbers. or social security numbers Rob them this. is what people are designed to do not be. an honorable soldier in a. war no it's go to the call center here's. where you have lunch you have lunch at. Ranch one one you got a chicken and. cheese sandwich pretty good Ranch one.

chicken and cheese is good cuz they have. the they have the long flat pickle that. vasic used to do the long flat pickle. the sandwich stacker Ranch one has a. really good chicken sandwich and then. you just call old people that's the. majority of the American economy is. calling old people that terrifying them. screaming at them telling them they. they're everything's there they're going. to lose everything but you have to give. me your you have to pay for this stuff. um I remember after Hurricane Sandy um.

there was a group there was a call. center in Long Island where I knew a. comic who was working at it where their. job was to call old people and tell them. that the government FEMA had given them. too much money and they had over. improved their houses and FEMA wanted. some of it back this is true and and the. people in Long Island lined up to do it. because they're amoral they have no. morality so they would call now if there. was this is kind of a war we have the.

best soldiers in the world at that war. the war of just calling an old person. and go hi um how are you is this Mrs. Donnelly yes now do you remember when. you got uh I believe it was $992,000. from FEMA to make improvements to your. house well yes I do it was very hard but. we did it yeah FEMA actually looked at. their records you only should have. gotten about. $60,000 you owe us.

$30,000 literally they were doing that. to people and she goes what what are you. talking about you'll lose your house if. you don't come up with a payment plan. but this is how sick people th those. people that are willing to do that. they're willing to call elderly people. and demand money back you cannot put. them in a war zone do you understand you. can't put them in a situation where they.

have we have not trained Americans to do. that we've trained. Americans in a war zone you have to just. not you you have to go like you know you. have to listen to the general and you. can't ask questions you got to listen to. your. superiors a Americans are not built like. that they're built to to not they they. will listen to people and they will.

carry out orders with only if they can. identify their self-interest in it. immediately only if if Americans are. that because and I God the great Ray. come we've said it many many times and. I'm going to say it again it's why we. cannot have a draft we are a nation of. fat cowards and there is nothing where. it's okay to to be cowards or Andor it's. okay to be fat but there's nothing worse.

do you do you know how demoralizing it. is to watch fat people run away from a. battle do you know how demoralizing it. would be on the world stage to watch fat. people abandon and go awall and run away. from a battle which they would do in. Mass if Americans cannot identify their. selfish if you want Americans to be in a.

war you got to make it a business where. they can get money and real money you. have to like make it an entrepreneurial. activ it's not going to work if. Americans cannot identify the thing that. Israel's done brilliantly is. everything's like it's Israel it's it's. us they have a little ethnos State over. there meaning that I know that they're. like well there's some Arabs living. there peacefully too yeah it's primarily. about the Jews I and there's nothing. wrong with that but that's what it's.

about so everybody there is like it's. for Israel. like my friends that are Israeli and. they're Jew it is Israel they go on. Birthright when they're young they hook. up with a chick they have fun they go. they love they have a great. relationship um to Israel because it is. they consider it like part of their home. and they will fight for it and they will. die for. it I like New Jersey you know what I. mean but you know let's just America we.

we've not been. trained with that mentality like we're. all in it get we're not in it together. in America we have not. been that hasn't been uh we're not. really like H you. know Israelis truly believe that Israel. is their home and they're willing to die. for their home there's something very. beautiful about that very it's very old. school there's a lot of Honor there. Americans believe we're.

here but we're here and we're all kind. of also competing with each. other and we also need to defeat other. people to have the good American. Experience like we need to kind of get. over on these people and we need to see. these people as a problem and what tends. to happen is we just don't have the same.

experience as like Jewish people in the. state of Israel right like who are. really ready to fight and die for it. that's why people. will sacrifice everything and make the. great sacrifice for Israel but in. America that's just not I'm just. imagining like a draft and like some. like Christ Stephano calling me and he's. like what's up bro I I don't like this. I'm like yeah I don't I don't like e. what are we what he's like bro like I.

love America but what's the deal with. this and I go yeah me too I got. I'm trying to buy like Trevor Noah's car. I where where do we got to go die like. it just isn't we here's the deal. countries make deals with. people the deal Israel made with its. citizens was like we've got this. beautiful paradise you're all a part of. and you're just you're born Jewish. you're in it but you got to sacrifice. for it okay America's deal with people.

just kind of just like hey you're here. shut up a little bit shut up a little. bit don't don't don't ask too many. questions about why the news doesn't. really make sense don't ask why this is. what it is just kind of go with it let. us do what we do we play the songs we do. the stuff we'll do the football games we. do the fly over you show up it's all. good we're not going to really ask you. to go out and lay your life down for it. we're going to let people kill you in.

our country that's going to happen. everyone has the right to kind of be. whoever they want here you can have a. gun you could kind of do whatever you. could go insane we're g to experiment on. some of you some of you are going to you. know wash out a controversial weird. programs are going to put you right back. we'll put you right back in general. population we're going to try to. brainwash some of you and experiments. and after that we're going to throw we. just keep it fun here it's going to be. fun yeah we're going to watch some of.

the some of the people that wash out of. these controversial clment we just throw. them right back into the mall see how it. works and they can have guns and we'll. see what happens we're going to let. people call you and Rob you over the fun. if you're not slick there's going to be. guys telemarketing trying to convince. you that you need to pay for X Y and Z. it's it's a total like that's what we do. here you got to survive in America the. war is here the war is home for you and. we're going to open the borders up and.

we're going to let everybody come in. because rich people want maids and. nannies and landscapers and like some. other people might come in they might. not be great but and if you live in a. bad neighborhood it might make things. worse we don't know we don't really know. we're going to bring drugs in because we. got a narco State on our border we don't. know how that happened but Mexico is a. narco State we can't do anything about. it it's just weird and there's all these. illicit streams of money that come out. of there that we're going to use to fund. Wars in other countries and that's going. to poison those countries against us and. then we're going to take in some of.

those people and they're going to go to. college here with you and they might. lock you in the library it's just but. we're not going to ask you to go fight. in a war because the fact that we've. done all of these things has kind of. made everyone schizophrenic and not know. what the hell's happening we don't know. what this place is anymore Andor what we. are fighting for so it's very hard to. ask people to make the ultimate. sacrifice for this country because we've. kind of Poison the Well a little bit by. treating them all as lab rats like.

people we kind of experiment on we go. we're just going to try a bunch of. out the American government does we're. just going to try a bunch of out. see what happens someone will make money. don't worry someone will get rich all of. the things that are hot we don't someone. will get rich someone will get rich. might be you but that's. why it's very difficult to ask people to. make a sacrifice so I know people are. getting angry about all of this death.

and chaos and Carnage but just believe. you me I don't believe that they're. going to ask us to make any type of. great sacrifice it's just not what we do. it's not what we are about our job is to. to survive the war at. home the war that they keep bringing to. us the Battleground is here it's in the. inner cities you can see people walking. all over the place they're on fenel. they're on drugs the governor of.

California is meeting with the president. of China the president of America's. talking about the Ukraine he's got a. speech about the Ukraine but on. Kensington Street in Philadelphia. Veterans who fought in our Wars are. dying on fenadol in front of. everybody so really what you see is. we're we're we're this is just a a. situation we've got a bunch of lab. brats and we're seeing what happens.

let's see if they grow their fur back we. don't. know but they're not coming to us and. they're not they're we don't have to go. die somewhere else we've got good. machines to do that we've already got a. military of people that some of them are. very brave and Incredibly honorable some. of them just want to kill it doesn't. really matter either or it's all good. it's all works we've already got one we. got enough people and as things get. worse we'll probably get more people now.

it's hot many of them are getting too. fat they're not happy that a lot of the. military is fat now or that you it's. harder and harder to get people in the. military because they're you know we. they have we have Google so people kind. of know what's going on Andor the fact. that they're trying to do military. recruitment videos with Dylan mulany. who's trying to explain to you how. important it is for you to go fight so. the people in the Ukraine can enjoy. budlight uh I don't know what what. whatever it is it's harder and harder to. get people into the military but they'll.

get enough people in there you don't. have to worry they're not coming to you. your job is to die at home it's America. job's to die here at home in front of. your. family that's your job the economic. engine of a we didn't win World War II. Russian blood won it our industrial. power run it because that's what we're. good at we're good at making money. that's our thing so we don't need. anybody we need everybody here home at.

the call center you got to go to the. call center now go to the call C it's. that's what it is that's why Bush after. 911 said hey everybody it's time to go. shopping get out there and get a. panini press don't worry about it we're. going to figure it out we got enough. people to go there and kill we need. money we need gobs and gobs of money. bags and bags of duck tailes. gold so that we can keep making these.

big uh. machines that will deliver death to. people and that you guys can stay home. you need to go to the call center now we. need to go to the call center that's. what you need to do that's the American. economy and of course I'm. oversimplifying it there's many types of. call centers but you know what I mean. that's the American economy you have to. do it your job is to die at home that's. what your job your job is to participate. in this. thing that we do this American. experiment which has gone completely off.

the. rails but they don't want you honorably. fighting a war somewhere I mean that's. just not in the cards here that's not. what this place is designed for it's. just not what it's designed for it's not. they want you to call the CIA on your. neighborhood and vaccinate their kids so. that they can take them in away in the. middle of the night that is what this is. It's You should be a rat you should rat. on people people call people make sure.

that you're willing to Dime on your. neighbors everybody's a threat here. report them to the government no. cohesion we don't want that no I'm an. honorable Soldier call the feds call. them on your. neighbor they're using charcoal that's. not regulated kill everybody that's we. we we don't want a Brotherhood of. honorable soldiers this is not Band of. Brothers this is called the CIA on your. neighbor because they're probably doing.

something wrong it's just a different. thing I love chance I love Taking. Chances and I love when they work out so. does so many people in. America and it's fun I love sports I. love Taking Chances on sports right. isn't it amazing NBA fans the waight is. over basketball is back in draft King. sports book an official sports betting. partner of the NBA is celebrating with. an unbeatable offer new customers can. score $200 instantly in bonus bets for.

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refund 100% no questions asked if anyone. doesn't like it clean energy natural. ingredients without exercise or amounts. of caffeine look at this little guy so. great magic mind I love it goes great. with your morning coffee or instead make. your one cup of coffee less the whole. day it actually tastes really good Joe. Rogan had it on his podcast the. Kardashians are drinking it some of the. best Surfers in the world COA Rothman. and Nate Florence talking about it on.

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of my friends take this it's amazing and. I just started taking it I have so much. energy here's to achieving greatness one. shot at a time might be the best quote. of the. century maybe it. is we ship internationally in over 50. countries including Gaza they're going. to edit that. out. I love it I like it it's great it tastes. good this will get you through the day.

it's great energy it's true I love it I. have so much energy I do stand up I do. this um I I ran uh 16 miles. today uh through the Gaza Strip on. this and you. know Israel people people there's more. people seem to be really into it we. don't don't have a Birthright we should. where should Americans you know where.

should americ you know in eighth grade. we go to the White House you go to. Washington. DC I didn't go I didn't go to on the. Washington trip because I was like not. good in. school but I went to the seventh grade. trip you went to Boston this is our. version of Birthright let me tell you. about the Boston trip you go on a duck. tour it's a duck and the duck. is. amphibious meaning it can go in the.

water and it can also ride on the. street they show you a couple of. buildings they tell you about the. Constitutional whatever it's just you. know here's the Constitutional. Convention 1776 a lot of that history is. in Philly but whatever who cares we're. in Boston you're on a duck you go to the. Holiday Inn there's a dance you eat this. is a Birthright in a there is. no you know like we don't have that.

thing we don't have that thing that is. it would be nice if we did maybe one day. we'll get it back but the the government. is not really engineering that we don't. really want you to make sacrifices to. like like for Foreign Wars the. sacrifices you'll make are domestic. someone shot your kid. sorry someone po you know we D you half. of your family's insane half of them. have cancer because they live next to. Factory that we allowed to dump in. the thing that's what it is sorry.

sorry but so don't be too upset I know. people are getting all upset about World. War II but I'll tell you right now you. will W until you're emoli in your house. by a Chinese nuke you will never be. asked to do anything you will World War. III will be the most entertaining thing. before you are emol in your house by a. Chinese nuke you will not have to do. anything you will be looking at your. treadmill on your couch when you're. vaporized no one will come to you and. ask you to do anything except maybe you.

go to the call center we're still open. they'll call you and they'll tell you. they yeah but there's like a nuke. warning today we're still open and you. know what how beautiful it would be for. you to get nuked while you were calling. an elderly person with dementia trying. to get their credit card information as. you were calling an elderly person with. dementia trying to get their credit card. information it just the nuke sails and. it's just over and you just see the. beautiful glow outside the window of the. call center no one will ask you to suit.

up and get your fat ass in a Top. Gun plane you can't fit in and fly over. to China no one's GNA ask you to do that. you so don't be. upset they'll either figure it out or. they won't we're very good at at coming. close to death in this country and not. fully going over it we're very good at. not fully going full Hell mode you know. but we'll see I don't know Israel maybe. reain it in a little bit Hamas released.

the hostages maybe some progress there. we don't know but be rest assured. America's not going to really ask too. much of its citizens it knows. better it knows better the war is at. home the war in America will always be. at home and it's a war that you're lucky. to be part it's lucky you're lucky. because it's not the war the people in. Gaza are going through where they're. being killed all the time this war is.

like between college kids are. fighting people are. angry people are chanting in the street. but it's there's not that much of a it's. not like you're surrounded by mass. death from politics you're surrounded by. Death from other things but not not from. politics yet so this is just the war at. home home the word home will be like. what do I post well I just don't know I.

don't know what to post my silence has. been noticed by some of the people on. the. board God damn it that's the war at home. it's a it's a very first. world somewhat you. know kind of. emotional strategic War being fought by. upper middle class professionals that. are trying to dance around each other. that are participating knowingly in this.

Kabuki theater of making each other feel. good but you're not without water you're. not without electricity you're not like. the people in Israel without their. children right for the most part this. just is an exercise in the futility of. opinions that's what it is it's an. exercise in the futility of opinions. everybody's got to have one immediately. even though they're pretty worthless and.

they certainly don't move the needle on. either side but you got to have one and. you sit there and you talk to your. husband Frank Frank what do you think. about this well the Middle East well the. well. Frank now listen I gotta post something. on Facebook about the Jews what Frank. what do I say well you know the woman. who works next to me in the data.

collection agency is Jewish and she's. going through everyone's social media. and if she doesn't see something she. likes she's saying we're Nazis and I'm. not a Nazi Frank so what do I. say or it's people that are like you. know trying to figure out the the the. real cool you know detached thing to say. some brilliant treaties on human's. nature and deep oh it's deep isn't it.

it's deep it's deeper than that it's you. don't even you take your out it's. your one because it's not even. about what you think it's about it's so. many layers deeper than that it's deeper. than those Hamas tunnels baby it's so. deep it's so deep it feels so good it. hurts but it's the only way to get to. pleasure pain it hurts you want to be. tied up and vulnerable don't you you.

want to be T I mean it's weird and it's. like you know but what it is is the. futility of it PS meaningless people. have no idea what they're talking about. they never do it's something that we all. have to do we all have to do it I get. paid to do it and hopefully some of the. things I say are at the very least. entertaining but it's the futility of op. it's people being like well and then the. letters oh the. letters signing the.

letters Kate Blanchett and Alec. Baldwin I want to sign a letter it's me. OJ Simpson Caitlyn Janet can I sign a. I'm gonna write a letter as soon as they. let me back on Instagram I'm writing a. letter and it's going to be all the. celebrities that nobody wants Kevin. spacy OJ Simpson Tim Dylan Tanya Harding. and we're going to write a letter uh. demanding things that have nothing to do. with.

this but it's all the letters. everybody's writing letters and here's. the letter we're signing the letter it. dare you it's signing a letter what is. the language of this letter going to be. well I don't know what are we suggesting. what are we insisting what are we going. to do who are we going to disenfranchise. let's fight let's fight about the. language of the letter the language of. the meaningless letter that we write and. send to President Biden who doesn't know. what letters are he doesn't know what. they are he's completely left the planet. but someone's going to go there's a. letter here there's a letter and you.

need to read it why because Aquafina. signed it who what how who what where. how the celebrities are writing letters. are going back and. forth we demand this and we demand. that fif f f f I smell the blood of an. Englishman write the letter which letter. have you. signed silly silly silly Society silly.

culture it's what it is we're gonna ask. them gon to ask all the letter writers. to suit up is that what we're going to. do folks everybody who's writing the. letters we're going to put them in the. paragliders or is that what we're going. to do I saw a guy paragliding in Malibu. the other day by the way and it's like. is this really the time you know you. know he looked at his paraglider on. Sunday and went God I know it's rough. but I have to do it it's who I am I got. to do some weird so sport to. show off my hot you know.

B I feel like paragliders aren't even. hot they're just like wiry guys they got. bored jogging and they're like I just. want to paraglide and I I know it. doesn't look great now but I have to do. it but is that what we're going to do. we're going to take all these letter. writers and put them on destroyers in. the South Pacific is that what people. think it's not going to happen that's. what we're willing to do and we're. willing to sign a letter we've we you've. you've now. seen this is exactly a we're willing to. go we're willing to sign a letter or. we're willing to call the University and. go I'm taking my money out of it why are.

you giving these plac your money anyway. how much tuition do these schools charge. 40 50 60 70 grand a year more why do. they have these endowments of billions. of dollar what is that why what kind of. slush fund do these institutions have. and why take the money away so many of. of my you know friends have been taken. advantage of and they they they just. don't know how to really use a good Law. Firm I had a friend who injured herself.

with a um shopping. cart and because it was not you know the. wheel it was all stuck and this is what. happens to people like the good people. of America go out to buy food at the. grocery store and and you know you got. to make sure that the card isn't you. know because I actually had a friend. named Scott who injured himself with a. shopping cart in a Home Depot parking. lot and I swear to God he won $50,000. because if this this is true he worked. at Home Depot for like two days and he. then injured himself with a shopping.

cart he used to be a comedian he's from. Long Island doesn't matter here's what. I'm trying to say you need good. Advocates that's that you need people. that are going to advocate for you on. behalf of you no matter what happened if. you injure yourself with a shopping cart. you should be represented and you should. get full and fair compensation from the. company and. no matter what the injury is if you. sustain it you need to be compensated.

for it that's why I think I. personally have a lot of faith in Morgan. and Morgan because they are helping the. people and they've been fighting for the. people for a very long time if they were. around during the time of. dinosaurs they would have been helping. you if if like you were like I could. imagine like of being in a a situation. where a. dinosaur injured you or a member of your.

family and then like that then Morgan. and Morgan says no like we're gonna. fight Morgan and Morgan has over 100. offices Nationwide more than 800 lawyers. with over1 15 billion dollar recovered. for over 300,000 clients Morgan and. Morgan has a proven track record of. fighting to get you full and fair. compensation Morgan and Morgan has been. fighting for the people for for over 35. years submitting an injury claim with. Morgan and Morgan is so easy if you're.

ever injured you can check out Morgan. and Morgan their fee is free unless they. win for more information go to forth. people.com Tim or dial pound law pound. 529 from your cell phone that's F rthe. people.com or pound law pound 529 from. your cell this is a paid. advertisement Helix everyone that comes. and stays at my house in Long Island. goes what are those beds literally and. it's Helix they're also asking me.

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threaten us with. AI like if if if if actors think their. likeness is going to be taken and. reused we'll go on a. strike and we'll sit around and we'll. demand we'll pick it and we'll sign. letters you know and we'll be like don't. we shouldn't do but that's kind of where. ends here you know that's what we are. been trained to do and we'll do it it's. what it's what we do as Americans we're.

we're we're willing to go so far this is. what we're willing to do willing to sign. the and you know people that signed that. letter thought it was a big deal you. know and when they got asked to sign. that letter oh my God I was even like. kind of like when I saw the I'm like I'm. not even in the group that's asked which. kind of pissed me off you know what I. mean I'm like I have one of the biggest. shows in the world you know I I i' I've. sold out World Tour all over and no one. not even no one call I don't get an. email M nothing and I saw it and I was.

kind of like I get it but some of those. people don't need to be signing that. letter not everybody signing these. letters is A-list there's a lot of CN D. list people on those letters why I'll. sign a letter I will sign a letter I'm. gonna tell you that right now I'm no. coward I am no selfish coward I will. sign a letter. I'm not one of those out there I. will give an e signature to a letter.

that's what I'm about I've always said. that I'm not going to go to war or basic. training or give any of my money but I. will sign a letter threaten me. with a good time and yet I'm never even. asked I'm never even asked to sign a. letter no one's even said to me. can you sign a letter but I would love. to sign it you know and you know when. the people signed that letter they. really felt like they did they go like. I'm signed a letter same one. that Jerry Seinfeld signed that's. [Music]. cool because that's what we're willing.

to do and and and that's why you do have. to respect people in Israel that are. willing to go back and. fight you know what I mean nobody's in. this country is willing to make that. type of set you think Chrissy Tan's. gonna get in the. paraglider is Chrissy Teegan in the. paraglider she's just paragliding it's. not going to. happen go to the call center we'll tell. you when we need you when we need you. you're going to have to keep calling.

elderly people with dementia you get. their credit card numers of Social. Security you take their house you steal. it from them then you give it to someone. else and that person buys it they pay. way too much for it then they're. you keep calling them you get them. second mortgages and credit cards you. mire them in debt you put them you put. them on the wheel put them on the. wheel go go to the call center that's. where we need you sign the letter cuz if.

you're not working in the call center. you you're signing the letter you're in. the Upper Crust you're either in a call. center like a little rat with your head. on the phone going hello is this Mrs. matui hey it's Barry how are you doing. can I tell you about a program we have. to consolidate you like you're either. that or you're sitting at home in Malibu. and you're like can you read the letter. to me France. what does it say well sign it we must we.

must bring an end to this hurt this hurt. is horrible we must bring an end why. does she do the avocado like that I'm. briti I'm not even British but I talk. like this because I'm very rich in. America many women in America will start. to talk like this even though they're. not British um but that's what it is and. that's why that's why I think it's an. attitude adjustment it's an attitude. adjustment at attitude adjustment this. is not seen as a neeg it's Halloween. it's fun it's sexy time everybody's.

going to be fine or we won't but the. point is this stop looking at all this. negatively this is kind of our. thing this is kind of our thing just. sign the letter or go to the call center. it's all going to be. okay don't. start trying right now at this point in. your life to have. honor do you know why they tell people. like in their 70s or 80s to not quit.

smoking because at a certain point you. just the bile that comes out of your. system at the end isn't worth it because. it's just black Gunk you cough up and. stuff you know basically it's just like. maybe they'll tell you to cut down but. it is what the it is what are you. going to do quit smoking at 80 and and. do be a gymnast it's that's you start. doing marathons that's not what. it is at the end the bile the gunk the.

poison that you cough up out of your. body kills it if you quit smoking so you. can't okay so at the end of the. Empire if you discover. honor you you better be very careful how. you do it because it's going to cause. you to cough up a lot of bile and it.

might just kill you so be very. careful go to the call center get on the. phone sign the letter have a cup of. coffee nod to the person in Starbuck. very sad wish it was better sorry about. that. brighter days ahead let's hope everybody. gets their thinking cap on.

cooler heads prevail what a great saying. how American I hope cooler heads prevail. go to the backyard have a. cocktail you're not dead yet cooler. heads. prevail tell your kids that everything's. fine because as of now it is don't start. going crazy we don't need a bunch of. Colonel curtes running around that's not. your job your job is not to lead some.

type of. sectarian Revolution here your job is to. come up with 10 5 to 10 phrases you. repeat at nauseum while you drink your. flavored coffee amoretto French vanilla. hazelnut is that called that's a creamer. called Italian h holiday cookie. ooh terrible times hope cooler heads.

prevail yeah hope things don't spin out. of. control things over there are tough come. up with the phrases you repeat the at. nauseum you get in your car you get in. your car it'll be okay I promise you. nobody's going to knock on your door and. ask you to make the great sacrifice it's. not the way that you have been built we. have not engineered this. experiment um around the idea of.

selflessness can we say that is it fair. to say that kids is it fair to say that. we've not engineered the American. experiment around. selflessness that's not what we're about. is it no we are about us your stance in. everything is you. you cooler heads prevail have a cup of.

coffee my friend's mother she knew. someone over there God so tough hits. close to home that's a good one go hits. close to home hits close to home cooler. heads hopefully cooler heads prevail you. know but don't get to down and don't. Center yourself do what you need to do. I'm speaking of of course to uh most. Americans you know the ones that are not. in Hamas and NYU or you know the ones.

that are not in the IDF I'm speaking to. the people who are hoping that uh all of. this ends in a positive way um but don't. freak out don't. panic you will not die probably from. terrorism you'll die because your. government is engineering all kinds of. fun booby traps like the house at home.

alone for your life it's not going to be. foreign terrorist it would shock me if. uh people I know started getting killed. by Foreign terrorists I'm not saying. it's impossible I'm not saying it's. impossible what I'm saying is. statistically it probably won't happen. so don't get too. upset it's. okay figure out your pose. huddle huddle with people and say Here's. a good one here's a I'll give you a free.

one as a mother even if you're not a. mother even if you're not a mother this. is what you should write as a. mother it breaks my. heart to see children. killed it's terrible. and then under that. right I've been.

using some new products in my hair many. people have asked how I have had such a. natural shine and free color and free. flowing hair I have been using products. from this new Corporation that's been. sending me them and I will send you some. for free as well as a mother who said. about dead children I will take 15%. off the money that you would usually.

have to pay for these hair products. where people keep stopping me in the. street and going God your hair it has a. glow they forget about the dead kids. when they see my hair cuz it flows yet. it has structure and form but yet it's. glowing because I'm a mother and I'm sad. seeing dead children I will take. 15% off your order if you act.

now and then after that right I hope. cooler. heads prevail happy Halloween everyone. goodbye.