The Negotiator | The Tim Dillon Show #345

Check. Jews. Jews. Jewish people. Is it popping? Just. funny. Like an alt-right podcast doing. like soundtracks. You know, they're like. white [laughter]. white people. People white people. Jews. Is it popping when I say Jewish people? Um, we're that's a bit we're doing about.

if an alt-right podcast was doing a. sound check. Uh, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show. Thank. you very much for listening, for. watching, for consuming, for digesting. this content. Thanks to those two dudes, Harry and Chris, that came on for our. little bonus episode. We had fun. We had. so much fun hanging out with them. They're awesome [ __ ] dudes. They do. trigger a lot of people that supposedly. can't be triggered. It's the right-wing. people got so mad and they're young. They're in their early 20s and they're.

yelling about Biden and they do it in a. cringy way, but that's the point. That's. the whole point. Look at all the. attention that you're giving them. And. they're actually off, you know, when. they're not going like Biden's, YOU. KNOW, BIDEN'S COMING, [ __ ] WHICH IS. WHAT they do, which I get. Um, they're. awesome dudes and now we're all uh. friends. So, uh, you know, and no one's. happy about it. I'm sure like their. people are not happy about it and my. people might not love it but and.

everyone's like, "Oh, you destroyed. them." I'm like, "We had a an argument. I don't think they were destroyed.". There's people that will agree with. them. There's people that will agree. with me. Am I a better talker? Yeah, I'm. [ __ ] 38 and I get paid millions of. dollars every year to talk. I hope I'm. better than a 20-year-old Tik Tocker. That doesn't mean I'm right. I'm right. for other reasons. That's the thing. about debates. debates aren't who's. right or wrong. It's who can talk and I. can talk. But awesome dudes and respect.

the hell out of them for coming on the. show and you know really cool and I'm. going to I'll make a TikTok with them. when I'm when we're in the same area. But let's talk now about this WGA. strike. It is directly affecting me. These are the issues I care about. These. are the issues. I have deals in this. town now because I got something going. on. I got something going on now for the. first time in years and uh people are. we're excited about projects and these.

projects have they've grinded to a halt. because of the WGA, the Writers Guild of. America and I support them. I'm in full. solidarity with them. However, I do. have to maybe try to negotiate something. because I don't have faith that the. people doing this are going to be able. to do it. So, I have to do it. Um, the. writer guild is angry because they're.

not they're not making the money they. want to make. and the streamers. Netflix, Amazon, Paramount, Hulu, Disney, Fox. and others. They have the money and the writers go, "We want more of the money." So, here is the demands of the writer. Now, I. this is the way I look at the strike.

Number one, there's not a ton of great entertainment. on TV right now or in the streamers. right now. There's not a there's not an. amazing amount, right? There's not a lot of it that's. great. now. So, you know, that's that's. something that we all have to. acknowledge too during this strike. We. are in a recession. Disney just laid off. 7,000 jobs. IBM's laying off jobs. AI is. taking over a lot of people's jobs. a.

lot. and the show and people go, "But. can AI write Labraa, the show about the. hole that opened in Los Angeles where. people fall through it and are they end. up somewhere else?" Could AI do that? And the answer is perhaps. [laughter]. The answer is could AI could artificial. intelligence write the show uh LBRA. about people falling through a hole into. a different world and then falling in. love and getting angry at each other.

Could that happen perhaps? I don't know. I don't know. What we are seeing now is. a. you know AI has now become real. Chatch. BT is real. The idea of uh this is not. as far off as it once was. This is. actually something that you can imagine. writing shows. So this is what they. want. The pattern of demands is a. constitutionally required statement of.

general objectives. These are the. general objectives. Increase minimum. compensation significantly to address. the devaluation of writing in all areas. of television, new media, and features. No, we can't do that. That one we can't do. That's I'm speaking now for I'm speaking. now because I know because these are my. friends, the billionaires. I'm speaking. now for them because I wear the glasses. that they wear. Do you understand? Do.

you have a a furry polo thing that's 3x. and it was bought uh in a a bin van. eyes? I'm going to tell you what we can do and. what we cannot do. This doesn't mean I'm. I'm I'm the the person who's. representing the billionaires, but I'm. for the writers. So, it's easy to get. confused here. I'm in solidarity with. the the communists that don't want to. work. I'm kidding. It's a comedy. podcast. I'm in solidarity with writers, but I'm representing the billionaires in.

this exercise to help everybody come to. the table. Do you understand? Yes or. yes? You get it, right? I want the. writers to win. Even though many of them. have called me a Nazi on Twitter, I want. the writers to win, but I'm also. representing the billionaires. First, first demand increase minimum. compensation significantly. That cannot. No, that is not going to happen. I. understand why you would want that. We. are not going to do that.

Standardize compensation and residual. terms for features whether released. theatrically or on streaming. This is an. interesting one. Also no. Also no because we can't if it's on. streaming or if it's in the feature. It's different. It's we don't know. what's going how it'll all play out. So. what we need to do is not establish any. type of uniform standard about how much. money you should get paid. Address the.

abuses of mini rooms. Now I like this. We can do this. Put them now. Mini rooms. mean tiny little rooms of tiny writers. and they're abused because they're small. and they put them in a small place and. nobody likes that. We can do a larger. room for them and I think that's we can. put in the contract right now. Mini. rooms become major rooms or mega rooms. We'll take five or six writers and we'll. put them in a very large room and let.

them do what they want. But. we we cannot pay them anymore. Ensure. appropriate television series writing. compensation throughout the entire. process of pre-production, production, and post-production. Meaning from the. from the pilot to the to the, you know, oh, we're gearing up to do it to the. actual doing of it to. So this is it's kind of like when you. think about abortion with the chart and. you go you know the 15 weeks and this. and that and you know postp production.

is like late term abortion. You know here's what I think about this. I think. we can. we can make sure ensure appropriate. television series writing compensation. throughout the entire process. We can't. do it for the entire process. From the. people that I've spoken to, we can do it. for a week, any week you want. And I. think this is a good thing. Whether it's.

pre-production, post-p production, actual production, we will for one week. during the production. make sure you're appropriately. compensated for one week during the. process. Any the week is up to you. But if it takes. 17 weeks or something to get something. happening, it's we can't one week, we'll. do it. Expand span protections to cover.

all television writers. I don't know. what that is and I So we're not doing. it. Apply MBA minimums to comedy variety. programs made for new media. Like. should a show on Snapchat about two. people that are dating despite one of. them not having a face because they're. on Snapchat. You've seen these shows. where the person's face caves in but. they have a wife and they're in India. I. think that's what this is talking about. I don't know. What I imagine this is.

talking about is that's a new uh type of. uh new media, Snapchat, and that's a. comedy variety show. Now, some sick. [ __ ] will find it funny, but it's. really a variety program. It's like. it'll be a man who's like a snake. It's. like he has no bones and he's a snake. with a head, but he has a kind of a. regular looking wife. She ain't great, but those are the shows on Snapchat. One. of them is called born different and. it's like somebody who's just goes I.

don't have a nervous system but I'm here. and this is my wife and they're saying. should people get paid to write those I. don't know but maybe I kind of enjoy. them sometimes so maybe we'll give them. money for that. increase residuals for undercompensated. reuse markets like when it's you know. the thing is we're going to use it. again. No. Uh, pension plan and health fund. Increase contributions to pension plan.

and health fund. Here's the thing. No. But because too many of them smoke. cigarettes, too many writers I see in the Silver. Lake Echo Park area are always smoking. cigarettes outside of a cafe. I don't. think we can increase the contributions. to the health plan. for feature contracts. Okay, some of. this is boring. We got to do something here where we're.

like, let's like we're not getting rid. of chat GPT. You're not getting rid of. AI. Like a lot of people are going, we. want no AI. That's what they want, right? No AI. That's not realistic. We. can do no people from the Netherlands. like no. Dutch people in a writer's room. We can. exclude races of people much easier than. we can exclude.

artificial intelligence because that's. just the g that's the new game in town. But we could say like no Eastern. Europeans because they creep everyone. out. That's fair. Let's negotiate along. those terms. Now, what are the top shows on TV right. now? This is how we're going to make. this decision because SAG is going to. strike the union. I'm a a member of I'm. the Screen Actors Guild. I'm an actor on. the screen like unlike many of you. I'm an actor on the screen and I'm and.

I'm uh participating in uh in many of. different projects right now. Um. so, I don't know. I I'm just saying. I'm looking at these shows and this is. what that beef with Ali Wong. She's done. well, huh? Why don't I have more Asian fans to be. honest? All I do is talk about China, how much I love China, my Chinese. godson. And you know, Matt Refe, they're.

saying has all these Asian fans. This is. what I'm being told is Matt Refe now is. huge in China and I'm nowhere. I I'm not I like Matt Rice, but does he. know who President Z is? I do nothing but advocate for Z and I. have nothing. No Asians come. Very few. Asians. One Asian fan to me is worth a. thousand whites. [laughter]. It's true. So if you come to my show and. you're Asian, man, I am I'm happier than.

you'll ever know. Well, I hope the. writer strike is okay. I don't know. what's going to happen, but I I'm just. saying that it's going to be it's going. to be pretty difficult to get everybody. to the table because I think what the. writers have a good point. These. streamers are making a lot of money. Let's see what all of these people make. because the writers keep focusing on the. CEOs of these companies like David. Zazlav and uh Ted Sarandos at Netflix. Shout out to Ted. My specials on there. I'm not even talking to these hoes, Ted.

But. you know, everybody is like, you know, what's the average salary of a TV writer. in America? 62,000 a year. That's the average. Yeah, that's not great. But I know a lot of them that make a lot. more, but I I understand what they mean. They want more money. It's fair. Now, go. to there's a chart here that'll show you. what all the CEOs of the streamers make. you can easily find it because. that's what these writers are saying.

They're like, "Why should this guy who's. running Warner Brothers make more than. me? I'm the fourth writer on Abbott. Elementary. Why should the guy who runs Warner. Brothers, make more money than me? I. wrote on a failed pilot three years ago. about uh a gym teacher. [snorts] um who discovered uh uh square. dancing and got all the kids to square. dance and Hulu bought it but it didn't.

work and I don't know why I don't also. have a yacht. Ari Emanuel, CEO of Endeavor, 308. million. David Zazlov, Discovery CEO. And this is what they all made last. year, 246 million. Bob Iger, 45 million. Bob Jac, Disney, 32 million. Iger's. Disney as well. Murdoch 31 million at. Fox. Reed Hastings 40 million at. Netflix. Sarando's 38 million at. Netflix. Brian Roberts, Comcast CEO 30. million. They're doing Hey, they're.

doing well. They're doing well. And I. understand the writers going, "We want. more because they're getting they're. getting a lot of money. They're making a. lot of money." I The Discovery CEO, this. guy David Zazov, 250 million last year. He did well. How did he make that much. money? What happened over there? Who. even watches Discovery? There's got to be something else. He's. got to have something else going on. Is he Warner? He's Warner Brothers, too, right? Discovery CEO. David Zazz. What.

does he do? can't just be Discovery. Yeah, he was. Oh, so it's Warner Bros. Discovery. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that Yeah, of course. Okay. Movies. He's a CEO Warner Brothers and all these. writers are mad and I get it and Adam. Conover is going, "Why does he have the. money and I don't? I did the the show. where I talk about people's water.". I understand that he's because I talk I. do the show where I talk about where. people's water comes from. And that's.

good. But he's gonna have a little more. than you. But I think Connover should be. given more money for the show he did. about um what it was the Adam ruins. everything where he'd go in and somebody. would go I think uh I don't know what. that he would like expose things. He'd. be like the suburbs are racist and. people would be like okay and then he. would talk they would tell you how. And that's fun. That's fun. And it's funny. [clears throat]. It's funny. And it's fun. And that's the.

type of programming people will pay to. see. That's what I pay to see when I'm. sitting at home after a long day. I want. to know about how racist the suburbs. are. That makes that's fun. Get the. family gather around. This is great. content. Um, so hey, I want them all to make money. These writers, I do. I do. I do. I do. I. do. And it's not, you know, this is I. know that I'm being satirical here, but. I really I want them I want everyone to.

be okay, but David Zazlov is more productive than. many of you because I know some of you. I know some of you and I think the CEO. of Warner Brothers is probably more. productive than you. Okay. What if they got tough? What if like Zaz. love and these guys started getting. tough and going like let's send people. down to the picket lines with bats, you know? Wouldn't this be crazy if it. got like that? It would be nuts.

It' be entertaining. No one cares less. about this strike than America, but they. should because shows like Outer Banks, which is about uh people in uh. North Carolina. that are kind of like. hot pirates, but it's a show about it's like Beverly. Hills 92 and 0, but they're poor and. they live in North Carolina. Someone's.

writing that. Some some genius. Some. genius is writing that. So, I'm just. saying you you you you're barking up the. wrong artificial intelligence tree. because Chad GBT might be able to do. that. They might be able to write Outer. Banks. You have no idea. They might they. might give you an Outer Bank script. Can you get get an Outer Bank script up. right now? I'm just going to see if Chat. GPT can do it. I bet they can do it. Outer Banks is one of the biggest shows. on Netflix. It is a tremendously popular. show uh with uh the young demo, the.

taste cluster, just like Wednesday or. any of these other shows that are. atrocious. Now, is this Outer Banks? This is the pilot. Yeah. Okay. This is the pilot. It won't work if you don't apply. yourself. Okay. So, here's what's. happening. A teenage kid stands with his. heels over the edge of a balcony without. a railing. Behind him, we see the curve. of the coastline. Moonlight on the dark.

ocean. The kid is holding a beer can. wearing a t-shirt that reads bad brains. A neck gator around his head gives him a. surfy unibomber vibe. This is John B. A combo plate of Lloyd. Dolbler, Ferris Buer, and Matt Dylan. from The Outsiders. Two parts eccentric. non-conformist, one part angry young. man. I'm in already.

It won't work if you don't apply. yourself. It's like all that went to the. same pep talk training camp. A friend, pope, 16, African-American, love child. of Mr. Spock, and a dead pan comedian. watches laconically. If you fall, you. have a 12 and a half percent chance of. living. John B. Then I won't fall. And I. am applying myself, just not the way. they want. Boom. Can chat GPT do this?

Can Chat GPT do this? Because if it can, you're all in the street. You're all. going to be in the street. Now, I don't. want you to be in the street. I want. them to pay you fairly. That's why I was. with David Zazov last night. We were at. the Beverly Hills Hotel and he goes, "Can we use a non-lethal gas on them?" I. said, "David, yes, but absolutely." He. goes, "Because I don't like seeing them. outside my office." And I go, "Absolutely." I go, "But but but David,

let's think about this for a second." He. goes, "Non-lethal." I go, "I understand. that." He goes, "Just disorients them.". And then I called Reed, I texted Reed. Hastings. He said, "Me and David are. thinking about a non-lethal disorienting. gas." And he goes, "lol." And he was. with Ted and he goes, "lol having exact. same convo right now.". They were at Craigslist. We all meet up. and we start talking about different. types of gas. David knows someone in the. CIA who can get us the gas.

So, this is what we're thinking about. doing. Now, now. this isn't right, but this is the ideas. that we have right now. It's a. non-lethal gas that will disorient them. and will make them seem crazy and scary. to the general public thereby making all. of their all their prop it's a big. propaganda win for the billionaires if. we can disorient the writers and make. them seem like drug addicts and. lunatics. This is why during the 1960s. when the anti-war movement was mainly.

led by priests and like kind of. respectable members of society, the CIA. was like, "We need these people on acid. immediately." All of the sudden all. these people started doing acid. They. were running around naked uh you know, jumping in uh mud puddles and America. went, "Wait, they're against the war. The war must be good. Vietnam must be. good. These crazy people are against. it." So what we're trying to do and. again not me but I'm just friend these. are my friends I don't ditch my friends. in like weird time you know what I mean.

and so what we're trying to do right now. is introduce kind of a poison that would. spread by touching because many of them. are touching each other and it would. disorient would make them behave. erratically because if they can start. behaving erratically. at these things but I I I don't know. what I'm going to do without my Saturday. night life. Do you AMERICA. PAY THE MORE?

UM, what else were we talking about the. other day that made me laugh? I love I. love everyone in the writer room, by the. way. And I I want, you know, everybody. everybody is. everybody's a-okay with me. I love. bespoke post because they have the box. of awesome. Every month it sneaks up on. you because you forget it's coming. And. then one day, boom, on your front door, the best box you'll open all month. It's. filled with carefully chosen gear from. the best small brands around the world.

Let's see what I got this month. Oh no, it's so cool. To get started, take the. quiz at boxofawwesome.com. Because. here's what it is, folks. You take a. quiz and then boxofawwesome knows. exactly what to put in this little box. Each box is valued at around $70, but. you only pay a fraction of that price. Okay, I took a quiz and I got a Box of. Awesome box and everything in it was. exactly what I wanted. I loved it and I. told my friends and family about it and. we all started crying about how. beautiful it was. Plus, with Box of.

Awesome, you're supporting small. businesses. 90% of everything that comes. in your Box of Awesome is from a small. upand cominging brand. This is great for. people that are moving cities, going to. college, going away, whoever it is. You're giving them a gift, but you're. really giving them 12 gifts. Get 20% off. your first monthly box when you sign up. at boxofawesome.com and enter the code. timill at checkout. That's. boxofawwesome.com. 20% off your first box. boxofawwesome.com. Code timillan. I want to talk about this because Whole.

Foods is having a real problem here in. San Francisco. Tech workers have stayed. home. This is in the New York Times. Ongoing social problems downtown are. forcing civic and business leaders to. confront harsh realities about the. pandemic recovery. What's happening right now in Whole. Foods from what I understand. is. this is what's going on in Whole Foods. Guns, knives, and sticks.

They fling food, screamed, fought, tried. to defecate on the floor. These are the. homeless. So the homeless have taken over a Whole. Foods in downtown San Francisco. Many of. the good people there, the good tech. people, the progressive good people are. trying to go in and to get their kale. Caesar salad and such. And instead they're confronted with the. reality of someone defecating, which.

means [ __ ] on the floor and flinging. food and maybe flinging excrement at. them. And then they have to go home and go, "I. just left Whole Foods and I'm covered in. shit." Which nobody wants to say that. When Whole Foods opened, it was supposed. to be for the white. That's who it was. for. Let's cut it out. It was for the. white. Let's be honest. kind of like. nerdy, hipstery, progressive, liberal, organic, food eating, vegan, socially.

conscious, environmentally sound, perfect human. Right? They're saying. that. I'm not now those people they're. being disturbed by bleeding homeless. soores. vagrancy. disgusting the smell of rotting flesh in. Whole Foods in San Francisco. Here are some of the reports.

that 911 has gotten. Mail with machete is back. Another. security guard was just assaulted. A man with a 4-in knife attacked several. security guards, then sprayed store. employees with foam from a fire. extinguisher. In September, a 30-year-old man died in. the bathroom from an overdose of. fentanyl, a highly potent opioid and. methamphetamine.

This does not sound like a good place to. get groceries. It sounds like an insane. asylum. But is this just the price you pay. for being a good person? If you're a good per, shouldn't you walk. into a place like this and take a look. at everything going on around you and. go,

"This is just the price of me being a. good guy. I'm a good person." And if I. get stabbed or if I have to walk over a. dead body on the way to get uh some. quinoa, is that the biggest deal? Is it such a. big deal? I don't know. I don't know if it's such. a big deal. I think this is just the way the world. is going to go. There are going to be. people that mind this and people that. don't. There are going to be people that.

Now, I'm going to be honest. I'm not. perfect. I mind. I mind the blood and the guts and the. killing. I don't like it. I can't get. with it. But many people, I'm sure there. are comments on this article, there are. people that are going to say, "So what? Everyone has a bad day.". So what? He showed up with a machete. He's just trying to protect himself from. the cops. They're the real problem.

Not the man with the machete. [snorts]. People overdose. It's sad. People are. going to go, "It's sad that someone's. overdosing in the bathroom." It's. actually sad. It's actually very sad. That's what it is. Let's do nothing. about it. Let's do nothing about it except. recognize how tragic and sad it is. And. then let more of it happen. But we can't. do anything. It's sad. It's unfortunate. It's sad. It's regrettable.

It shouldn't happen, but it does. And it. will. And we can do nothing but stand by. and walk over the bodies. walk over the. corpse on your way to get a smoothie. So now Whole Foods is supposed to cater. to the workers and other professionals. of the tech the city's tech of course. Of course we know who Are you telling me. Whole Foods wasn't set up for guys with. machetes? Are you telling me that people on.

fentinol aren't really looking at the. organic food options at Whole Foods? Yeah, this was set up for the people. that are fleeing San Francisco in. droves. This is the problem, man. This guy. tragically died on the New York City. subway. This guy Jordan Neely, he was a. Michael Jackson impersonator and he was. yelling at everyone on the train and. then the Marine choked him and killed. him. Now, I don't know the specifics of. this and you know, we don't want anyone. to die, right? But the problem is when. you have violent uh mental patients. running around cities screaming in.

people's faces, you're going to get. you're going to have altercations. And. then the result of some of those. altercations inevitably is going to be. that people are going to die or get. maimed or get hurt. Okay. Okay. I have. to talk to everyone like they're five. Okay. Sit Indian style around and I'm. going to tell you why it's not a good. idea to have violent psychopaths. running around the city. Okay, everyone. And then we'll have nap. But it's not a.

good idea because people are going to. take things into their own hands. See, like the marine who choked the guy to. death. People do that because people. feel like, well, hey, cops aren't. figuring it out. Guy's on here being a. lunatic. Was it justified? I don't know. what the guy was doing. I'm [snorts]. saying at the end of the day, I have a. [ __ ] cold. And everyone's going to. go, "He's on Coke." See, [laughter] I. did. I got at the Whole Foods. But the. reality is, this is why you cannot have.

anarchy and chaos in the streets. This. is why. Now, losers fetishize an anarchy. and chaos because it's it they so hate. civilization. that anything that's destroying. civilization isn't is a good. So, somebody taking a [ __ ] in the Whole. Foods buffet or a Michael Jackson. impersonator screaming in everyone's. face in the train or any lunatic at all, guy with machete, whoever, they're all.

they're all forces for good because. there's a lot of people that hate. civilization and want it to end. immediately. So, for those people, there is no. reasoning with them. You can't talk to. them. You can't explain it to them. Those are the people who say when the. Whole Foods article comes out, they go, "So what? So what? Just a couple of. security guards that got stabbed." You. know, and you you can't explain it to. them. We've got to figure out something. to do with these violent psychopaths.

They should start writing for television. and streaming 100%. Their ideas are. better. They've had more life experience. than these writers. And they will not. strike. I'm telling you, David Zazlo, listen to me. Start hiring. Put one. HOMELESS PSYCHOPATH in every writer's. room. GIVE THEM EVERYTHING THEY WANT. GIVE THEM EVERYTHING THEY WANT ON THAT. [ __ ] CONTRACT AND THEN SAY, "AND WE.

GOT ANOTHER ONE." You know how you want. to employ people and defund the police? And well, here's how we do that. We're. going to put one homeless, drugaddicted. psychopath in every writer's room, and. you guys are going to deal with it. You. are going to deal with it. And I bet. they'll have great ideas, and I bet they'll be interesting. They. might not always be appropriate. They. might not know, they might not address everyone by the.

correct pronoun, but I will say, you take a guy with a machete out of. Whole Foods and [snorts] you have him. write for Labraa, that show's getting. better. That show's getting 150% better. cuz he's going to be like, "This isn't. This doesn't feel like real life. Nobody's [ __ ] on the street.". Bluechu, if you want a harder dick, you. got to go to Blue Chu. makes a lot of. sense. Everybody loves it. Everybody. needs it. Plus unique online service.

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this, um I'm a little I'm a little, you. know, we we this is so predictable that. this would happen. Um unfortunately, it's very predictable that these types. of things happen. Uh US Navy hires an. active duty drag queen to be the face of. recruitment drives. This is a good idea. This is a great idea. Because. number one, anyone joining the military right now,

I mean, come on. At this point, haven't. you figured out a better way to get your. college paid for than this? And college. now is fake. It does nothing for anyone. going, I went to college and the. military paid it. It doesn't even matter. anymore, right? So the the joining the. military now and I respect to those who. do it. We need a military but many of. the people who are joining it right now. are let's can we say they're out of. options?

Not all of them but some [snorts] of. them. They're completely out of options. Okay. Um and and it's it's it's obvious. because the military is not hitting. their recruitment goals. Meaning that. the mil people aren't join people don't. want it. They don't want it. They don't. want to go to the Ukraine. They don't. want to fight in Sudan. They don't want. it. They don't they they go, "This. doesn't feel like uh, you know, something that I want to be a part of. anymore." So, in order to entice people. back into the military,

um, the US Navy hired an active duty. drag queen to be the face of the. recruitment drive because we should, you know, drag queens, a lot of them are. strapping men. They're tall, they're. broad shoulder, they're big, they're. muscular. Get them in there. Get them in there. Get them in there. Let's have an army of drag queens. They're in better shape. Most Americans. are fat. They're lazy. They don't want. to join the Navy. They're not. It's some fat guy in Ohio. He used to.

play football. It's Al Bundy. All of. them. Get muscular drag queens. Recruit. them. That's who you need. Can we watch. this? Yeah. So this is one of their Tik. Toks. [music]. and I ain't seen the sunshine. I don't know where.

I'm. dragging on. I don't have any problem with this. This may not be the most effective way. to get people in there, but maybe it is. Maybe it is. Who's joining the Navy? Who is Jo? Who is excited to join the. Navy?

Okay. All right. We got it. We got it. Um, I don't know who's joining the Navy. I don't know why anyone would join the. military right now. I mean, I know that. it's you like whatever. I know that we. need a military and I get that people. love the country and want to, but is. that why people join it? But like I I. just I don't understand like maybe you. need to get this is a way to get drag. queens into the Navy because I'm not.

joining the N. I don't know anyone who's. joining the Navy. to you're going to fight for Taiwan in. six months. I'm not saying that's a bad. thing. But listen, let that's what's. about to happen. You know, it's not. enticing. That's not exciting. Now, the. drag queen going, "We're gonna have fun. We're gonna [ __ ] cut up. You can. dress like anything you want." You know? I mean, maybe that's the best way to go. here. Maybe maybe it's like, "Oh, the. military's too woke." Maybe it's not. woke enough. Maybe it's not woke enough.

Maybe you need all of these woke people. in the military. Maybe you need uh to to. make the milit military like appealing. to other groups of people. It's not. appealing to most people I know to be. honest with you. Most people I know are. not looking to join right now. They're. not. You know, we've been told too many. lies about these wars and what these. wars mean and why we're fighting them. And I think a lot of people are under. the impression that these wars benefit a.

very small group of people that make a. lot of money from them, but they're not. really vital to our national security. and vital to our national interest. So I. think that's why a lot of people go, I'm. going to work at Panera instead and I. get the soup when the [ __ ] comes in with. the minivan full of kids and she goes, "Excuse me.". And you go, "I'll get her the soup. I'll. get her the apples slices for the kids. I'll get her a little bread. I'll get. her the thing because I don't want to. fight a war and die. Um, so that people.

can make more money. That doesn't Now, obviously, we need a military. But this. is why you can't lie to them, right? This is why you can't put them in. unwininnable situations. This is why you. can't give them [ __ ] [ __ ] health. coverage when they come back home. This. is why you can't, you know, ignore a. suicide crisis amongst the military. And. maybe. those military members that are killing. themselves when they get home are doing. it because they're all trans. We haven't thought of that. Maybe the.

whole military is trans anyway. And when. they come home from these wars, they. kill themselves. Not because of the. horrors that they witnessed overseas at. war. Maybe it's because they have not. been given access to transaffirming. care. We might have a trans military already. Most of the people in I know someone in. the military that's kind of trans. I'm not going to go into more of that. I'm just saying. I'm just saying people.

get into weird [ __ ] People get in not. that trans is weird [ __ ] but people get. into interesting [ __ ] when they spend a. lot of time overseas in different. cultures. People get get into very. interesting stuff. So, I don't think this is necessarily a bad. idea to just try to recruit uh people. that uh have interesting weird fetishes. I would go after, and I'm not equating. this with drag queens, but I'm saying I. would go after furries. Why is it not a furry who's like, I.

joined the military and I'm [ __ ] they. call me uh fly fox or whatever, you. know? Why not have a furry? Why not. have, you know, like why not go after. people that are a little different and. try to get them into the military. because. really. there's not I mean what's the hook now, right? Get the It always was get the. college paid for forever, but now no one. cares about colleges, right? So what's. the hook now? Fight for your freedom. No one believes.

that. But if people go, I can be drag in. the military and get to and have a gun. and get to kill people. That's pretty. cool. I'm a killer drag. I'm a drag. queen that kills. I slay. But lit literally slay. Like I. slay for real. I slay children. I slay. brown kids that pissed us off. Why not? That's a good idea. That's what the. military should be because the military. is not going to be mainstream people.

right now. Life is too good here. People. aren't joining the [ __ ] military. They're going at their [ __ ]. postmitting sushi and playing guitar or. whatever the hell you do. Like people, they're not going to do it. So, you got. to go to people that have had it hard. Drag queens have had it hard. They've. taken some abuse. They've taken some. [ __ ] Our military should we should be. Biden should get out and have the balls. to say in five years we want an all drag. military. We want to begin the. transition to a permanent drag military.

because they've dealt with [ __ ] and. they've had it hard. You know, it should. be the military should be incelss. It. should be drag queens. It should be. people that have been through [ __ ]. People that are on the margins of. society. people that can be used as. cannon fodder for the wars of the rich, which is what it's becoming. I'm not. saying it's a volunteer force, so don't. get mad at me. But if you can be used as. cannon fodder for the rich, if they.

decide like we need to get into. Arabaijan, why? Shut up, freedom. You go. over there, you get your head blown off, and then everybody buys a boat. joking. This mother lied about being. kidnapped as QAnon mom. The Republican. party, by the way, is QAnon's back with. them. Look at her eyes. Look at the eyes. of this woman. Here's the deal. Qanon's back because. it's a lot easier than understanding. like, you know, uh, economic debates or. monetary policy. There's 20% of the. Republican party that and maybe 20% of.

the country in general that remain. schizophrenic. Um, they're unable to. decipher what is real and what is fake. That'll only be made worse by chat GPT, by AI, by deep fakes, things like that. We will get to a point in this country. where nobody really knows what's going. on ever. What's real, what's fake, everything will be uh some type of. fantasy. Many people are already living. in a fantasy land. Uh a lot of them are. on the right. A lot of people on the. left also live in a fantasy land, but.

they live in different kinds of fantasy. lands. But the Q Anon thing where you. take a real premise like human. trafficking and a real premise like. political corruption that do exist and. they have been related before. But you. use that as this catchall conspiracy. literally to draw lines between. everything and everyone that's ever. existed and everybody that's ever. succeeded and anyone that's ever done. anything uh good, anyone that has any. money, anyone that has any power. And. you say that they're all pedophiles and. that Donald Trump is fighting a secret.

shadow war to get rid of them. And those. people are have all been executed. They're all Guantan Bay. All of these things are um crazy, right? And we know that they're crazy. They've. been exposed as crazy, right? Um but. that doesn't matter because people are. are they they will not let this go. They. will not let the Qanon idea go because. politics is supposed to be boring. It's. people fighting about like how much. money should go to the water [ __ ]. treatment plant. That's not fun. And the.

people that are really into politics, specifically on Twitter, are too stupid. to understand what the slow grinding. gears of this bloated dying corpse of an. empire, how they actually work. That. would take reading and stuff. What they. do like and what is fun is pretending. you're freeing children from underground. prisons. That's fun. If you're gonna. look at politics as a hobby, reading. books about how the, you know, whatever. you want to call it, how this oligarchy.

managerial state, as Bannon would say, or whatever, these deep state nexus of. institutions, these power factions, reading about the lobbyists, the. congressmen, the senators, how they all. influence each other, how the executive. branch um functions within the. government, how things get done, how. [clears throat] susceptible all these. people are to all kinds of different uh. influences including blackmail and. things like that. But this is very. difficult to understand on a macro level. on a big level. But what's easy to.

understand is we should free the kids. from the underground cages, which is the. simplest. uh and this is what people understand. This is what the QAnon faction. understands. They cannot understand. politics. They do not they do not want. to. It is not in there. They don't have. the ability to. What they have the. ability to believe is that there are. kids in underground c. There probably. are kids in underground cage, but they. these people are not freeing them. Donald Trump is not freeing them. Donald. Trump's concern is Donald Trump. There's.

no kids got freed. Um, so a wannabe Bay. Area mom influencer who sparked panic. among QAnon believers with a trumped up. story about the attempted kidnapping of. her children has been found guilty of. lying to law enforcement. Katie Sordson, 31, went viral in 2020. when she posted a series of videos to. her Instagram account. She claimed that. on December 7th, 2020, she took her two. small children to the Michael's Crafts. store in Paluma.

while in the store. There's nothing. better than making up that your kids are. kidnapped. There's nothing funnier, there's nothing better than a mother. making up a story that her children were. kidnapped. There's nothing more fun. While in the store, she alleged a man. and woman began to follow her talking. about the features of my children. So. now imagine how creepy this is. You're walking around the Michael's Arts.

and Crafts in Paluma and then a man and. a woman, I don't know who they are, in. this woman's head, I guess. Let's just. call them Barack and Michelle Obama. are following her around saying her kids. are hot. Sorenson said the couple didn't buy. anything but followed her out to the. parking lot. She accused them of taking. quote two steps forward, two steps back. before lunging for her stroller. Sorenson said she called for help,

talked to the police, and then decided. to share her story on social media to. warn other parents. My children were the target of an. attempted kidnap. sitting in her car, which is such a. weird thing to even vocalize, but it. happened. And I want to share the story. with you. The videos accured more than four. million views before Sorenson made her. account private. Soon, investigators. said it was clear Sorenson's account. wasn't meshing with the evidence. Security footage.

from the Michaels did not corroborate. her story, said Paluma police. There are many inconsistencies when she. retold the story. They soon cleared the. couple, Sadi and Eddie Martinez, of any. wrongdoing. Sorenson, meanwhile, took to. local TV to repeat her story. I saw. these people. They didn't look. necessarily cleancut, she said on on. KTVU. I felt uncomfortable around them. Last week, a jury found Sorson guilty of. making a false report of a crime to a. detective. Prosecutors say she faces up.

to 6 months in prison for the. misdemeanor, but she was taken into. custody after the verdict and held on. $100,000 bail. She moved out of state after the. incident. Before her internet infamy, Sorenson was a self-described. independent wellness advocate, hawking. essential oils. And this is the QAnon. and the wellness people are very. similar. There's a lot of concentric. circles between the QAnon uh they're. trying to kidnap my kids and Michaels, which isn't true, and the wellness.

community of the uh essential oils. It's. a multi-level marketing company. So, she. was part of this multi-level marketing. scam. It's like a Mary Kay cosmetics, but she's slinging essential oils to. other white women whose kids are being. Qinoned. It's interesting. It's just funny to me the idea that a. mother, which by the way, it's got to be. the most terrifying thing in the world. to have your kids kidnapped as a mother. or attempted an attempted kidnapping has. got to be as a mother the most.

terrifying thing. Just the idea that it. could happen is terrifying. Just the. idea that it could take place has got to. be the most rattling thing if you're a. mother. So, the idea that this woman. would not only make it up, she made it. up, but then went out and terrified. other people and said, "They're coming. for your kids. Now, I'm telling you, they came for mine.". This sick [ __ ] wanted attention so bad, cuz that's all we have left in this. country is attention. She wanted it so.

badly that she made a story up that. people lunged for her baby stroller in. the Michael's Crafts parking lot. that. they lunged for the stroller. So, this. is the problem uh with the QAnon. schizophrenics. is that it's it's they're inventing. stories because reality has not been. kind to them. No one's in jail. No one. went to Guantanamo. Hillary's still. walking around. She's fat now, but she's.

not in jail. The Obamas, all the people. they said were going to be in jail at. Guantanamo Bay, never happened. None of. this ever happened. all of this stuff. The real So, they. have to now invent things that help them. with their world view. They have to go. like, "Oh, well, you know, they they. were trying they were at Michael's. Crafts. and they lunged at my stroller and now. this [ __ ] is going to jail." Ruth. Chris, one of my least favorite. restaurants in the world, was recently.

bought by Darden Restaurant Group. Olive Garden owner Darden restaurants. buys Ruth Chris steakhouse for 715. million. Ruth Chris is one of the lower-end. corporate steakouses in America. I mean, if you are in Grand Rapids, Michigan, isn't that where we ate there? Yes. If you have to eat there, it's [sighs]. it's not the worst thing in the world, but Ruth Chris is not a good restaurant. It's not good. It's for uh teachers.

Ruth Chris is a place for, you know, it's for. it's for people that shouldn't be at a. steakhouse. That's what Ruth Chris is. It's for people that shouldn't be at a. steakhouse. It's for people who you know how many. people I've watched at Ruth Chris argue. about a birthday promotion? It's that type of restaurant where they. go, "Okay, also it's my birthday.".

Also, that's how you know you're at a. nice restaurant when someone goes, "Okay, I know the checks here, but uh. also. it's my birthday." Or the best one, "It's her birthday, so I know we have to. settle up with you, but is there any way. we could knock some money off this cuz I. was born today. It's my birthday. If if. I go to a restaurant on my birthday, I. just go, "Shh, don't please." Right? But. there's a lot of people out there that. are just trying to, you know, get Ruth. Chris. for all the money that it can be. So.

it's I, you know, I've seen, you know, so, so I don't know what they're going. to do with Ruth Chris. Are there any. plans? Are they going to make it better? Are they going to make it more. interesting? Seems like they just acquired it and. they're not really releasing any plans. There's nothing to do. There's nothing. to do with Ruth Chris. the same type I've had to eat in Ruth. Chris because I tore around the country. as a comedian and in a lot of these. towns Ruth Chris is the only thing out. there and it's the only thing open but. it's far below a Capitol Grill, a Smith.

and Winsky's and Del Frisco and Ocean. Prime. Ruth Chris is like the entrylevel. steakhouse, you know? It's it's just for people that. could just got out of jail. It's like a. got out of jail meal. It's like one of. the first meals you have when you got. get out of jail. like your family picks. you up and goes, "Let's go to Ruth Chris. because you're out of jail now." And. also tell them it's your birthday. [laughter] We tell them it's your. birthday. I know you're just got out of. jail for uh battery, but it's time to.

eat some mashed potatoes and then tell. them it's your birthday so we can save a. little money. That's what Ruth Chris is. You know, Ruth Chris is not uh it's not. something you don't really feel special. being in a Ruth Chris. You're like, "Uh, what is the story of Ruth Chris?" Like, how did it start? Is Ruth Chris an. actual person? I don't know anything. about it other than the fact that it's. like incredibly. not that impressive. It was founded in. 1927 by New Orleans entrepreneur.

Chris Maluch. to started in New Orleans. Ruth Fertell. was a divorced single mother who needed. money to send her teenage sons to. college of course and that's who's still. eating there. divorced single mothers. But that's what it mean, right? Ignoring. the advice of her banker, lawyer, and. friends, Ruth purchased the restaurant. in 1965 and then, you know, blah blah. blah became really successful. But, you know, when I just read that it.

was started by a divorced single mother, it all makes sense to me because it very. much is a divorced single mother. restaurant. It's people with like martinis at the. bar that are like blue. You know, the. martinis the color of like the thing. they put combs in in the barber shop. Barbber side. Yeah, the barber side. And they're. drinking those and they're like and. they're just waiting for some man to. come in there with deep pockets. But the. only people that are eating in that. restaurant are con artists who are. trying to take you for your money.

because they're [ __ ] Ruth Chris. They're going to steal your credit card. Ruth Chris is repulsive. But I do wish. And Darden, what does. Darden own? Darden owns a bunch of. restaurants that are also repulsive. Yeah, it's like almost all of them. They're all bad. It's Olive Garden. Olive Garden's rough. Longhorn. Steakhouse. Cheddar Scratch Kitchen. Yard House. I do like Yard House. Um, I. do like Yard House. Capitol Grill I like.

a lot. Seasons 52. No. Bahama Breeze. No. Eddie V's Prime Seafood. Yeah, not. really. But I do like Capitol Grill. So. Darden does have some brands that are. okay. Yard House is decent. Yard House. is like in a big California mall. It's. like a massive place where people can go. get like beers. You can get like an. onion ring tower and you can get like, you know, tuna tartar wanttons or. something. It's like that type of. restaurant. You go, you get like tuna.

tartar nachos. You get like a um Yeah, there it is. Pull that out. Make that big. Right. there. Make that big. That's what yard. is. Make it big. Make it bigger. I want. to see it big. This is Yard House. What is this? This is the video. Hold on. I don't want the video. We don't want the video. I just want to see. See, that's what. Yard House is. There's a woman there. She's got a massive uh beer. She's got. some type of dip in front of her. And.

she's got I guess make it smaller so we. can see the onion rings. She's got a. tower of onion rings because that's what. yard house is for. people that when you. put onion rings in tower, they go, "Oh, yeah.". [laughter] That's That's what yard house. is for. It's for when the onion rings. hit the table and they're in a tower. It. makes someone's day. It makes someone's day. And then they.

just have things on the menu for no. reason. They'll have like garlic shiakei. garlic noodles. Look at you fancy pants. You're having shiakei garlic noodles. It's 111 degrees out. You're in Palm. Desert, California. You're in the yard. house and you're eating shiakei garlic. noodles and thinking about how much. money it's going to cost for your. divorce. How cool is that? Yard House is for people who who've just. been denied a loan.

That's where you go after you've just. been denied a loan and you're like, "Well, I can still eat good here." It's. when your bank calls you and goes, "There's nothing really we can do at. this point." Taking into account like. you can hear the bank saying it as they. wait on the line. Like you can like you. could hear like the bank being like. taking into account the income and the. credit. They're like two two please. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What? What? So taking. into account the income and the credit. were not able to proceed with the car.

loan of $6,000. They go all right. All. right. I understand. [ __ ] All right. Well, I'm gonna have the onion in tower. and the tuna tartar. Uh the tuna the. tuna spicy tuna. Whatever you put that. on. What do you put it on? A pizza. Just. bring it to the table. Give me a big uh. cold beer and a fat Hispanic woman if. you can. Just bring out a fat Hispanic. woman with two children, a cold beer, and then a tower of onion rings if you. can because.

But I like Yard House because I like it. knows what it is. There's certain. restaurants that know what they are. They're like, "Let's make the food into. gimmicks because the people that eat. here don't have much like and they're. not." Here's the other thing. Yard. House, the people that eat in Yard House. are not broke. It's not like Popeye's in. a bad area. It's like Yard House. So, what it is. is people who are playing this game of. America. They're in the game, but it's. not great. The ball's hitting them.

They're not reacting. That's what yard is for. People that are. in the game. People that are trying to. sell a 2019 Chevy Silverado. because they need something are eating. at Yard House. That's who eats at Yard. House. People that are in the game, they're not totally destitute. They're. not living on the street. They're not in. a tent. They're not on fentinol. They're.

not [ __ ] in a Whole Foods, but. they're trying to make very small moves. to better themselves, and they're doing it at a yard house. because that's a place they can let. loose, have a couple of beers, watch the. game, and think about how. they're going to come up with the money. to euthanize their dog. Because that's. what that restaurant's about. It's about. figuring out how to move money around so.

you have enough money to put your dog. down. Yard House. Get the menu up at Yard. And. I can I can prove this. When you read. the menu, you go, "This is where I would. go." And I like, by the way, I like Yard. House. Many times in my life, I've been. a Yard House person. I've gone to Yard. House. Go to the appetizers. Appetizers. Coconut shrimp. Onion ring tower, jumbo Bavarian.

pretzel. This is a study of what people in this. country will eat. The lower middle. class, grilled Korean barbecue, beef, Wisconsin fried cheese curds, avocado. toast, calamari. There's no theme to. Yard House, by the way. The theme of the. food at yard house is anything you've. heard of.

Anything you've heard of and nothing you. haven't. Sweet potato fries. Snacks. I. like that they have an appetizer section. and a snack section because it's like. you might want a snack in between the. appetizer and the entree. snacks. Guacamole, truffle fries, sweet. potato fries, edetamame, shiakei garlic. noodles. Who doesn't want a big bowl of. garlic noodles as a snack? These are. just foods you've heard of. That's what. Yard House is. It's foods you've already. heard of, but they're here in the mall. We're not educated. It's not like,

"Would you like some Arctic char?" What? No, it's would you? And what is this? Gardein. Everything. There's Gardein. with a little R. Gardein wings. Gardein. orange chicken. Pizzas. They got pizza, too. They have. something called the vampire. A cheese curated tortilla. Carnitas, bacon, roasted garlic, crushed avocado. None of it makes sense. Sour cream, cilantro. It's just things you've heard. of.

Things you've heard of on a plate. Come. to Yard House. We won't challenge you. You like noodles. You'll get noodles. So, what is this. Gardein? It says it's a chicken substitute made. from soy wheat. Ooh, nice. Meatless. But I like Yard. I like Yard House. I'll. go to Yard House right [ __ ] now. And. I'll talk to a divorced substitute. teacher whose son is severely autistic.

and she wants a white Zinfendel and she. needs an onion ring tower stat. because her husband became trans and. joined the military. Yard House is just. a collection of simple tragedies at the. Yard House. It's not even It's people. that you can't really feel bad for. either. When they start talking, you go, "Oh, can't really feel bad for you. You're kind of a terrible person. You're. dumb.". But it's like the yard when people start.

telling you their problems, you're like, "Oh, you've gone further than you should. have. You've gone." It'll be some guy who's. like, "I invested with my brother in a. company that turned out not to have. existed and and then like he'll start. screaming like five minutes in about. like the border." He's like, "It's the. [ __ ] border. They're coming over. here." I'm like, "Wait, what? You lost. all your money with your brother, you. idiot." He's like, "Yeah, whatever. Can. I have some carneasada garlic noodles? I.

don't know what it is, but I've heard of. it. Can I have a Bavarian pretzel and an. avocado toast? They have avocado toast. Can I have a Bavarian avocado toast. pretzel, please? And some [ __ ] Korean. beef? I want some Korean beef and a. vampire. I hope this is played at every yard. house. Every worker at a yard house, every yard house worker. Cuz it's like. sometimes attractive women kind of um.

people that are excited. Like a few of. them have said, "Oh, we're fans of your. work." So, I appreciate that. But you. get what I'm saying here. You understand. what I'm saying? Yard House foods you've. heard of. You're at a mall anyway. You're here anyway. Yard House basically. like you're at a mall anyway. These are. foods you've heard of. You cannot afford. your children. You cannot afford your. children. Come to Yard House. Have get. your children a pizza and sit there and. think about how you're going to get. yourself under get yourself out from.

under this mountain of debt and horrible. decisions that you've made in this. disgusting restaurant where you're just. eating fat and sugar. You get in your. car, you have a headache. You're like, "I'm full in a weird way. I don't feel. good. I'm having a panic attack. Should. I go to the hospital?" No. Can't afford. that. Just keep driving. Just keep. driving with your your face covered with. yard house glaze. Whatever [ __ ] sick, disgusting sugar glaze they toss. everything in. You're just like,

you go back to your house. [snorts] You. can barely afford. You put the kids in. front of the TV, they're all on drugs, they're all trans. You're happy about. it. You don't care. You're trying to get. money from the government. You go, "Can. I get money from the government if. they're trans?" And your wife goes, "Shut up. Did you go to Yard House? Did you go to Yard House again? Stop.

trying to MAKE OUR KIDS TRANS GET MONEY. FROM THE GOVERNMENT. DID YOU HAVE A. BAVARIAN pretzel at noon, YOU SICK [ __ ]. [laughter]. IT'S A DISGUSTING PLACE, but I like it. Timmillcomdy.com. We're in Palm Beach. Um, all weekend. We've got tickets. available for San Francisco. They're. available. Lots of them. Lots of them. Chicago theater. Very few. Um, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Paps Theater. tickets are available. Funner,

California. That Harris Resort Casino, that's available. Uh, Ben Salem, Pennsylvania, that's in September. Who. cares? But still go. uh timdylinkcomdy.com if you want any. live uh tickets and we'll hang out. I'm. so excited to be going to Palm Beach, baby. Good night. Goodbye. And watch the. episode with those two dudes. They're. [ __ ] They're awesome dudes. And uh. we're starting a boy band. Peace.