Baby's Gotta Go | The Tim Dillon Show #339

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Tim. Dillon show special edition no glasses. today I because I'm not high on. oxycontin when I wear the glasses it's. because I'm on heroin as some people in. the comments have pointed out that I'm a. junkie and I'm wearing neglect not. because the lights burn my eyes and I. have a tick I have an eye twitch MTS. motor tick syndrome where I sometimes my. eyes roll back people go are you having. a stroke or do you hate us and I'm like. no I have an eye tick this is just what. it is it comes out when I'm tired or.

whatever. um or when I'm angry and I'm a little. perturbed I'm a little bit not crazy mad. but I just did a show at the comedy. store and I don't like to speak bad of. anything or anyone. that's a big part of what I avoid here. is not trying to speak bad about anybody. or anything or any club I ne have I ever. spoken negatively about an institution.

no and listen I like the police many. good people at The Comedy Store like the. cops many good people are there and. they're just doing their job like the. people who put Jews in camps just doing. their job but I did a Tim Dylan and. Friends show. which I we saw that in about 30 seconds. and I and the Tim Dillon friends show. what it is is uh you you your friends.

whoever's there Spade who's ever in town. Greg Fitzsimmons who's ever around Annie. who's ever around comes and does the. show it's not a big deal it's fun people. come out they see it I go on last and. it's fun and the. first of all like the night before. they're texting me they're like what's. the lineup who's what's the lucky you. have a lineup do you have a running. order do you have a lineup or a running. order who's gonna get on this stage. who's going to the other hey hey hey hey.

hey we sold the tickets relax. yeah I have a lineup it's everyone you. banned they're back. so. I'm I'm doing this delicately. Jordan's Lobster Island Park phenomenal. so I'm sitting there my godson's family. comes in my godson whom I love my Godson. my my godson's fathers was a fan of the. podcast who I didn't know super well but.

decided because I'm single gay and. without a family that if he made me the. God Son of his son I would give the kid. money in the form of a college fund. which I do. which is it was a good move if you know. someone who's wealthy and doesn't have. children of their own just go you're the. Godfather they showed up once in my. house in Palm Springs I said come on out. we'll have a lunch they came out with an. Asian baby and said you were any there. was a note written saying uh Uncle Tim.

will you be my godfather. and I had you know what I mean I just. bought like the Range Rover so they were. like. and what are you gonna do it's like a. little baby if it was a white kid I. would have went yeah but he's Asian he's. high-end top of the line top of the line. his family brings him in to the Green. Room his mother's father. and the baby and it's a wholesome event. the baby's running around he's doing.

whatever. we're all you know what I mean. halfway through. I don't know who these people are now at. the com The Comedy Store is now hired. people that used to work at San Quentin. the prison. and. I don't know what's going on over there. okay. but. they've hired like these big hulking. brutes. these like log bloggers they're like.

it's like guards they're like guards and. it's and and and nobody knows who anyone. is and nobody knows who I am I'm like. I'm the one who's put to sold the. tickets to the show. so they're like. at least Rogan's Club there's Navy Seals. they have actual Authority. they've killed people on behalf of the. government I'll listen to them who are. these people so they have these hulking. brutes walking around okay.

and one of them and again. this is all nice and respectful. this is respectful this is the resp. trust me it's a respectful rap I'm I'm. sitting in the show that I've sold out. at the comedy club could have done it at. the Improv could have done it at the. Laugh Factory could have done it at. Flappers could have not done it could. have not done it could have not done it. could have done it at the comedy. Mothership which I'm doing on Monday. I'll go right down to Austin with the.

guns we got the guns. okay. so I'm sitting in the Green Room. uh some actor kators friends with me. came or is it like a new friend of mine. but he's and I think he's on the heroin. or something but that's okay that's all. right it's not a big deal. he came in with his friends he was some. other dude he's like where's the. bathroom they just both went into the. bathroom so I'm like well they're. sucking each other over doing heroin it. now it's gonna sound like I've done the. wrong now everybody's gonna side with. the club I haven't even gotten to the.

part so there was a little shady. behavior that I had no idea I just I. invite people sometimes that are famous. kind of right they're kind of famous I. don't know what they're doing they're on. heroin maybe they're on oxycontin. whatever I think they're crushing up. stuff I don't it's not my business. but that's not even what they're mad at. so I'm sitting there. and then the hulking brute comes in.

and he goes the baby's gotta go. oh excuse me he goes the baby's gotta go. now. he's gotta go he points. at my Chinese two-year-old godson and. goes the baby's gotta go now. he's gotta go now him.

so I go wait what's going on. what's he doing. and he goes well it's a rule we have a. licenses and Nightclub he can't be here. it would be a 500 000 fine and I'm like. really. really because he stopped in in a green. room. really. don't you have lawyers. does no one have lawyers here.

but whatever I would have respected the. idea that you can't have the baby in the. green room because they just stopped in. again they're stopping in to say hello. I would respected that idea but it was. the way it was delivered it was the way. the message was delivered this weird. like aggressive posture. that they take by the way a lot of. people produce shows there I talk to. Luis Gomez about it all the time they. make you feel like a criminal when you. produce a show at that club they make. you feel like a criminal maybe that's.

part of the fun. #mothership the point is this I was. sitting there I have a Chinese person. you [ __ ] white devil who works in a. comedy club Whitey I have a Chinese. child The Golden Child have you ever. seen that with Eddie Murphy that great. thing where they got to balance himself. on the beams and then drink the water. and the fire goes out maybe you should. start thinking about the [ __ ]. prophecy so whatever somebody I don't.

know I've never seen this person. apparently they work at The Comedy Store. they were probably like removed from. Enterprise Rent-A-Car for attacking a. customer and now they are doing the. security of The Green Room. uh and and kicking out everybody who's. under 21. that's new energy huh so the. point is we're having fun. now. so he goes the bit the big the baby's.

gotta go. I'm like okay I'm sitting there I'm like. the baby's gotta go. so then the baby goes then the baby. doesn't care because my godson wanted to. go to Mothership he told me he goes I. want to go to Mothership he's a huge fan. of Schultz and I go no but come to the. come to The Comedy Store we have. comedians who've been doing comedy 75. years. and he goes it's gonna be fun so. so my Chinese godson is evicted he's. kicked out of the like literally the guy.

stands there he stands there until the. child is picked up. and he like walks them out. and the booker comes in who's sweet I. like who's a nice person he's a sweet. woman a beef with her but she's there to. like I guess smooth it out or like and. she's like well yeah it's like. [Music]. his baby. and I'm like. okay okay fine fine.

this kid Justin who's a young comic in. L.A. is in the Green Room he's a funny kid he. was big on Tick Tock and then they. banned him for like making fun of like I. don't know the tick-tockers that have. pull it's like Addison Ray or whoever. these people are the demilius called. China and got him kicked off Tick Tock. they call presidency but he's like a. nice kid and he's a young guy and New. York being from New York again I'm from. New York like somebody told me we were. sitting in the green room with the. Improv the other night and they go.

uh is it embarrassing that you moved to. Austin and move back I said no no I hate. I don't care about anyone here I don't. respect anyone here and all of this can. burn truly I don't love Austin but all. my friends live in Austin and New York I. don't give a [ __ ] about this place at. all and it could all burn and it was a. little awkward I was in The Green Room. with other Comics but that's the way I. feel I like like six people here kind of. so I don't care so the reality is I'm. sitting there and. yeah the reality is I'm sitting there at.

this kid Justin's there and I said to. Justin I'm like yeah do a guest spot you. know he can't that's what I in New York. if somebody comes and hangs out you give. sometimes you'll throw them a guest spot. it's like the right thing to do it's. like a good thing to do you know what I. mean now apparently this is like. confused. the people at the club who are like. who who's he and he looks young right. he's a young kid he's like 19 or 20. and. he then. one of the one of these prison guards.

one of the corrections team asks him how. old he is and he goes and he's a little. bit of a wise ass he's a comedian he's a. wise ass. um he goes I'm 13. it's funny it was. funny and then the guy goes show me your. ID he IDs the guy. in the room. that's the energy of that's the vibe. there it's like it's like a strange Vibe. then I get out and and start to do.

comedy now they had a show at 10 and. they lit me like five minutes into my. set. which is weird and then I still pushed. it I did probably 20 minutes what do you. think I did 20. I did 20 minutes I would. have done longer but it was like a weird. there was a weird energy and a weird. vibe not with the audience they were. amazing but they lit me so early into my. set that they were kind of like we have. a. we have a 10 o'clock show and I'm like. that's great you have a 10 o'clock show. but it's also like nine I got on at what.

9 15. yeah right it's just like if I'm. off stage by 9 40 we should be able to. flip the room you know. um so again. I just don't I didn't and it just. happened it's the only reason I'm. talking about it it's not like lodged in. my mind I don't care. um I'm just saying I didn't love the. vibe do you think I was wrong my. reaction with the vibe there was odd. they approached you in a pretty. graceless way it was a weird way to do. it it's a weird way to do it it wasn't.

cool at all it's odd it's just strange. don't make me go down to Texas get the. guns. come back with the guns I just don't. understand the behavior the show is at. 10 30 actually so they they booged you. 45 minutes early. it's a city where everyone's incompetent. and no one can work so that apparently. people need 75 minutes to switch foot. the room. how do I do it.

and raped a table. hey. [Music]. he's got to go the baby's gotta go now. the baby's gotta go you've got a Chinese. baby in here he's a spy. they're hiring like cooks that got like. removed from Denny's because of like an. altercation that's the energy you know.

and I'm sure they're all lovely people. I'm sure one of my friends column. comedian from New York compelled at each. other made some joke about like a. waitress or whatever that didn't go over. and maybe calm did the wrong thing I. don't know he's Irish like me maybe. there's a little anti-irish buzz don't. love that. it has a little anti-irish sentiment but. column supposedly somebody walked up to. calm and went I want to curb stomp you. one of the staff was like I want a curb. stop you. again I told the Lewis Gomez about we.

all love the store it's a legendary. historic place but it's weird when you. produce a show there and you're treated. like a criminal. odd weird hands it's in weird hands it's. strange and I'm not making a big deal. out of it I'm just saying what am I not. going to talk about it I'm speaking. about it because I want to but I'm not. making a big fuss I'm just saying it was. an odd moment when you're screaming at a. toddler. in The Green Room.

the only thing they didn't. bring up where's the the actors doing. dope in the back bathroom which. that is. something that I you know I don't know. I don't even know if that was happening. I'm kidding but I don't I don't know. that was the only thing they could have. maybe brought up you had a couple of. kids who had heroin back there. I would have went I don't know. they're not my God children.

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your kids on keto now. remember get your next delicious bowl of. guilt-free cereal at magicspoon.com Tim. Dillon and use the code Tim Dillon to. save five dollars off that's. magicspoon.com music code Tim Dylan to. save five dollars off. what's Gwyneth Paltrow doing now stop. bothering this woman she tried to kill. someone in what she was skiing and. they're making her pay Gwyneth Paltrow's. attorneys by the way what is who. Gwyneth Paltrow. daughter of man suing Gwyneth Paltrow.

over Street ski crash tells cord he was. emotionally abusive this is what's. really good when is Paltrow was skiing. down a hill and like. knocked into a guy who's now claiming he. has all these problems right and then. they got his daughter to go on to stand. and trash him. it's great to have money like Gwyneth. Paltrow that's goop money she has that. store where she sells insane products to. people.

like a candle that smells like her [ __ ]. someone said once I forget but somebody. said it's similar like the infowar store. like with just like she look like things. on the infowar store will be like this. is the ward off demons and her thing. will say the same thing. um. the Civil Trial between Gwyneth Paltrow. and Terry Sanderson. entered day two by the way can you. imagine. like this try like it I don't think it's. a jury trial because it's civil but it. may be it might be. I mean how fun would this be to just be.

on the Gwyneth Paltrow. ski trial like what a great trial to be. on because nothing matters you know what. I mean. whoever wins like they're both pieces of. [ __ ] like and I'm sure she's a lovely. person. disclaimer but like her like you don't. feel bad for Gwyneth Paltrow right and. you don't really feel bad for this. scumbag who's trying to like blame her. for whatever he's has now like Parkinson.

whatever he's like claiming she gave him. the Civil Trial between Gwyneth Paltrow. and Terry Sanderson entered day two on. Wednesday and the room heard how the. retired optometrist was known as quote. emotionally abusive and quick to anger. prior to the 2016 incident. lawyers for the oscar-nominated actress. That's essential huh lawyers for the. oscar-nominated actress read a testimony. which was provided by Terry sanderson's.

daughter Jenny Sanderson during their. cross-examination of witness Dr Wendell. Gibby. the radiologist had earlier testified. that Mr Sanderson 76 had a strange. relationship with his family following. the accident in the Deer Valley Resort. in Park City Utah which is hilarious. that that's what he's claiming he's. claiming that the injuries he's he's. suffered made him a piece of [ __ ] to his. children he's like well I when one day.

Gwyneth Paltrow by the way who's what. all of. what is she 170 like 50 pound like. supposedly she knocks into the guy and. he's older so probably you know she's. got velocity behind her but then he's. claiming that he just started like not. caring about his family. I love so here if you go up here it says. that like during his cross-examination. attorney James Egan questioned whether. Dr Gibby was familiar with the claims. made in Ms sanderson's deposition which.

had called her dad domineering and. easily frustrated. her testimony claims she did not feel. loved or nurtured by her dad before also. describing how he was verbally abusive. towards her and her mum according to Mr. Egan Miss Sanderson said her dad had. always been frustrated and quick to act. I love that the daughter is testifying. against the father like the fathers like. Gwyneth Paltrow knocked and knocked me. over at a ski resort since then I've.

been unable to be a father to my. children and then his daughter gets on. the stand and goes you've been scum. forever you've genuinely been like a. horrible father since the day I was born. Miss Anderson also told her dad how she. didn't have a relationship uh she said. that they never had a relationship like. for 13 years they didn't have one. Dr Gibby told how he couldn't recall. details of the deposition but did say he. knew of Miss Sanderson being angry with.

the man. said to be having an affair with his. wife wait Dr Gibby told how he couldn't. recall all the details of the deposition. but did say he knew of a Mr Sanderson. being angry with a man said to be having. an affair with his wife this is such an. odd case. because it's a guy who's claiming that a. ski accident made him like weird and. distant around his children. it was claimed Mr Sanderson had hit the. other man but Dr Gibby said he thought.

this Behavior was atypical of the. plaintiff earlier Dr Gibby told the. court Mr sanderson's relationship with. his family had only gotten worse after. the crash he also said the injuries. sustained by Mr Sanderson could not. plausibly have been caused by him. crashing into her the trial by the way. what a worthless trial what a worth what. even is happened like how does this get. into the court system what a worthless. insane trial I like if I was impaneled I.

would love it because I've got nothing. going on I don't care but like if you. had anything real in your life you know. and you had to listen to this [ __ ] every. day like two people at a ski resort. I mean God help us the trial is expected. to last up to eight days. and Gwyneth might testify. she was looking somewhere else blindly. skiing down the mountain while looking.

up this was Reckless Mr Sanderson is. seeking damages of 300 000 for a brain. injury for broken ribs and other serious. injuries Miss Paltrow meanwhile has. fired a counterclaim in which she is. seeking legal fees and damages of a. dollar. it's really one of the stupidest things. to ever go to trial 300K is nothing to. her she's just doing this for the point.

she could just settle with him for. something. it's such a I mean I love this Gwyneth. Paltrow's ski Collision trial enters. third day. can you do you think the Judge at any. time goes hey hey like the middle of the. Testament goes hey hey hey hey what the. [ __ ] are we doing here. what is going on. I can't deal with this anymore we're. trying to ban Tick Tock this is wild.

they're trying to get rid of tick tock. because it is a tool of the Chinese. surveillance State and not the American. surveillance state they're trying to get. rid of tick tock the one where everybody. dances. because they're saying that uh China. bite data I think bite something that. owns Tick Tock and The Tick Tock CEO. Xiao Chu. was grilled by lawmakers. and they say tick tock's like the.

biggest problem it's the bad one they're. like this is the bad one unlike Facebook. which my aunt went on looking at. casserole recipes and is now full Q Anon. and estranged from her family that's the. good sight. that's the site that doesn't have any. problems Facebook. where people are eulogizing their dead. dogs. and threatening members of the. government on it. some of that's probably a little. Justified but.

Facebook is truly I've never seen. something as damaging to America than. Facebook. Tick Tock it's hard to get radicalized. on Tick Tock because it moves so quick. so it's kind of just like a baboon next. next next. and it just feels like it's kind of. silly and what social media should be. and I know people have become big stars. on it a few of them and people use it to. Market themselves and yes there the.

Chinese are spying. that's also true but you know we're also. spying. so people are trying to get rid of it. tick tock itself is not available in. mainland China and we're headquartered. in Los Angeles and Singapore and we have. 7 000 employees in the US today he said. in his opening remarks this is the CEO. he was basically like listen because I. think what we're trying to do is like. force maybe more U.S ownership of tick. tock. you know. because it doesn't operate in China.

and the Chinese government like enjoy. significant leverage over businesses. that are under the jurisdiction of China. and bite dance which is not bite data by. dance. so thus indirectly Tick Tock could be. forced to cooperate with a broad range. of security activities including the. possibility of the data on Tick Tock so. what people are worried about is the. Chinese government harvesting the data. from tick tock.

and using it. to I don't know. I don't truly know. like President Z is going to be sitting. there going who's this Bryce Hall. what's going on with uh the the tick. tockers versus YouTubers fighting. just gonna win what do you think but. apparently it is I mean there's location. data there's facial recognition data I'm.

not blind to the idea of this it's just. a little late the cat's out of the bag a. little bit everything you use every. single thing you use. takes all of your data takes all your. information. every single thing people upload the. photos of their families their houses. every single thing. sometimes in a Facebook fight or. something like a guy will be like this. is my location come meet me come meet me. I'll kill you. I'll kill you because we're having an. argument about charter schools.

so why don't you show up to my house and. I'll kill you here's where I live here's. my address. Facebook should be banned ban them all. but Facebook should go. Zuckerberg should and he goes in front. of Congress all the time and they're. like what are you up to and he's like. well I I think that. what we're trying to do and then you. could tell you could tell it's just way. over his head he didn't know he just. wanted to get his dick wet and now.

Russia and everybody else is on there. everybody's on there you know The Oath. Keepers the three percent every militia. in the world's on there with the. Facebook page my aunts in all of them. probably but like I've seen people get. truly radicalized on Facebook. uh so if they're gonna get rid of uh. tick tock. to get rid of this thing which I don't. care because I don't really have any. followers on Tick Tock but uh Tim J. Dillon on Tick Tock go follow it but I. don't really do anything on tick I tried.

I tried I'm 38. what am I gonna do I. tried I tried for a little bit. it's just not you know you gotta tap out. at a certain point you gotta tap out you. don't like this don't watch. that's all there's nothing you know what. I mean like there's a certain point you. have to tap out like I've seen I get it. and some of them do well some of the. older people on Tick Tock do well but. you know it's just not a it's an app. that's not for. people in the in their heading towards.

40. it's not an ad for people coasting. towards 40 in my estimation it's just. not it is fun it's a lot of cringe stuff. on there you could look at a lot of. crazy people doing [ __ ] the algorithm is. addictive yes it's addicted our kids yes. you know it's not it's probably not. overall it's probably not good what's. good what's the good one is Instagram. good with women with the five needles in. their lips. is that the good one is that the one. that's good for the kids where people.

shaved their [ __ ] pictures into like. they crop themselves into aliens and. then kids try to try to look like that. what's the good one Twitter. is that the good one. where everybody's fighting about. everything all the time or Facebook. where Boomers. who are having operations. and are somehow still alive.

are like. going through a Litany of like it's like. casserole recipes and like blatantly. racist you know. [ __ ] tirades about their neighborhood. the cab driver was Mexican again or. whatever the hell like is that is that. the good which one of these is good. again because we have to pretend one of. them's good if we're gonna kick this one. off we have to be like whoa it does it. it's not as classy as uh the Instagram.

or uh I just don't know. [Music]. um. somebody goes like this to the American. people watching today hear this Tick. Tock is a weapon of the Chinese. Communist party to spy on you manipulate. what you see and exploit for future. Generations there's probably some of. that happening. but I don't I I you know at the end of. the day it's like yes is this a long. game to weaken the American yeah maybe.

but it's like hey man we're doing a. great job of that we're doing a. phenomenal job about ourselves that. doesn't mean you shouldn't monitor this. [ __ ] or whatever but then you have the. Senators like what is this thing. does this have Wi-Fi. what exactly is Mr Zhu Ching Zhao. Ching Chao Zing Zhu tell me what your. company does are you watching my babies. change. are you turning them in from are you.

turning my babies into my my man into. ladies and my ladies into men's is that. what you're doing let's watch this guy. here I love bespoke posts because I like. giving people gifts that keep on giving. and what bespoke post is is you get a. box for somebody box of awesome and then. it comes every single month to them and. the boxes all kinds of unique things. that they're into and whether it's for. you or a friend you fill it you take a. quiz and then the quiz could be like. they're gonna basically be like what are. you into and you could be into. Outdoorsman stuff or being a bartender.

like drinks and Cocktails or food or. cooking or all kinds of stuff or. Athletics or whatever and the box of. awesome will just keep sending you. really cool stuff based on your interest. and it comes every single month it's one. of the most fun things. I give it to all my friends because it's. a good way for them to remember me and. every single month they get a box 90 of. everything that comes in your box of. Awesomeness from small up and coming. brand it's free to sign up and you can. skip a month or cancel any time so. you're not like locked in to the 12. months okay they release new boxes every.

month across a ton of different. categories to get started take the quiz. at boxofawesome.com your answers will. help them pick the right box of awesome. for you one box of I took a quiz and. then box of awesome just sent me net. like nail filings like it looks like. people's nails that people had bitten. off their nails and it was just a box. with knit with nail filings in it and a. lighter that didn't really work but so. that's interesting I don't know what I. said in the quiz that Iris got that.

but but it was like one of those things. where I was like they kind of know me. box of awesome.com enter the code Tim. donut check out this box of boston.com. for 20 off your first box box of. awesome.com code Tim Dylan. does tick tock access the home Wi-Fi. network. yeah only if the user turns on the Wi-Fi. I'm sorry I may not understand that so. if I have a stick talk app on my phone. and my phone is on my home Wi-Fi network. does tick tock access that Network.

it will have to to access the network to. get connections to the internet if. that's the question is it possible then. that it could access other devices on. that home Wi-Fi network. Congressman that we do not do anything. that is beyond any industry Norms. um I believe the answer to your question. are you getting to the toaster or not. can it [ __ ] with the toaster yes or no. I'm asking you a direct questions. let me ask you a question.

our kids were doing great before this. app came along they were shooting up. schools and doing heroin. at least tick tock's getting them to. dance. at least tick tock's getting the kids to. dance. I'm not saying it's a good. but it's it's funny that like we're. blame it's again it's China it's always. Chinese people the Russians or the. Chinese every problem in America has to.

do with Russians or Chinese people. nothing has to do with American. government parenting value systems. everything is something that came from. China or Russia to [ __ ] us all up. everything was going great with the. American Youth before Tick Tock. everything was going swimmingly well. with America it's not our education. system which is a joke it's not a value. system that you know tells kids that.

money is that you know all these new. influencers that's what Ethan Klein was. talking to one of them debating one of. them all these like crypto influencer. kids who are like 24 and they're like. they're into Jesus but but for a little. time they talk about God for a couple of. minutes and then drop shipping for 90. minutes like it's primarily Drop. Shipping a little bit of God and it's. all about like it's like you know I made. millions of dollars [ __ ] Drop. Shipping and [ __ ] for God. that's for God that's why I did that. because God was like [ __ ] do you get.

your you go to the gym and get and we. you know great go to the gym but like. this this new thing now. we're like our children are becoming. like Psychopaths we're like watching. these kids become like sociopaths. they're like God told me to trade Luna. and I did and I have seven cars like. Jesus said and you're like okay so again. and maybe that's maybe that I don't know.

but some people like that some people. think that's good they go well that's uh. you know the tick tock is uh helping our. kids it's helping our kids become. motivational speakers. um I don't know I don't know I'm not I'm. not saying that tick tock's a a. universal good okay. the Tic Tac CEO is like hey this is. nothing we just want to go to war with. China we're just trying to go to war. because our economies are like literally. the the news last week was like. um oh the banks are.

banks are not. banks are not it anymore folks they're. going down the banks are and then this. week they're like the problems China's. tick tock. that's the problem and Tick Tock I'm. again I'm not defending I don't think. it's a great idea to have kids on social. media all day I don't think that's a. phenomenal move right like I don't think. it's great like but I also think like.

this myopic view where we look at like. this company and say this is corrupting. our children and ignore the poison food. and we ignore like so many other things. and again I don't care ban it I don't. have any followers. it doesn't [ __ ] boss it doesn't. [ __ ] bother me you can all [ __ ]. dump in podcasting don't pay in YouTube. don't do that. but. I love the things that they think like. universally good you know I like the.

universal good you know I don't know. it's like. so Tick Tock collects I think roughly. the same type of information as Facebook. and Twitter that's what they claim. they're saying like hey. you know that's a lot of like data it's. the information about the videos you. watch comments you write private. messages you send. and. so here's what they think it's doing get. play the kid out who identifies as a. hawk this is what. this is what they're worth they think. that China and by the way maybe China is.

doing it I don't know they're they're. saying that China is. pushing these weird. theories or whatever so this is why they. worry about people getting radicalized. on Tick Tock this is a person who is I. don't know if this is real. I don't know anymore I don't I don't. know what is and he isn't real anymore. so if I play this and then you comment. this is actually a practical joke I'll. go life is a practical joke I don't know.

anymore this is a person that is. claiming. to be I believe a hawk which is kind of. cool now what people are worried about. is maybe they think and maybe this is. true China is making our children in. talks. so let's watch this. my name is Horus and I'm a red-tailed. hawk in a world I do have the body of a. hawk but while fronting I consider.

myself a Therian because I am in a human. body but my identity is still a hawk not. all animal altars will identify this way. and I am in fact the only animal alter. in our system who does identify this way. I am doing my best to come to terms with. living in a human body. okay. um is there anything more about this uh.

this user they have a lot of like Neo. pronouns so let's watch a neopronoun. post okay here we go. here we go listen. we're learning. [Applause]. I like this. don't you kind of want your kid to be a. hawk. wouldn't Republicans like that like like. hardcore right-wing people Mark he's not. trans they're a hawk.

it's not great that many of our children. think they're Hawks but I don't think. that's a lot of them but I will come out. and say that I will I will say this. right now. and I don't think this will be a. controversial point and yet I'm sure it. will be I don't believe it is a positive. development in our society that some of. our children are under the impression. that they are birds. [Laughter]. that is not a positive development.

in our society. um. there is a lot of mental illness on Tick. Tock and I'm sure it spreads very easily. just like there's a lot of mental. illness everywhere on all of these apps. and I'm not I'm not saying that this is. all you know great for the kids. um you know again. let's watch some of the other because. maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here. about the hawk. okay let's try uh this one.

how common is it for systems to have. like splitting patterns like our system. and at least one other system that we. know of have patterns of like there will. be a few or several splits at once and. then a period of time where there's none. or very few and then another bunch of. splits all at once is this normal China. doesn't understand this China doesn't. even get this China has no idea what's. going on let me tell you right now. the Chinese government has no idea what. this is if.

if you play this for president Z. he's gonna go what the [ __ ] are they. talking about. this I don't know if this is being. engineered by China I don't know what. they are probably like what the [ __ ]. because I don't play that again I don't. even I can't even grasp it. how common is it for systems to have. like splitting patterns like our system. and at least one other system that we.

know of have patterns of like there will. be a few or several splits at once and. then a period of time where there's none. or very few and then another bunch of. splits all at once is this normal. how common is. I think she's talking about like the. splitting of like ideas how things. there's like binaries maybe. does she mean like people's personality. split after like extreme trauma and you. could like become multiple personality. disorder maybe it or maybe she's just. like going super Broad in like all. Concepts how there's yes and no and. light and dark what the [ __ ].

what the [ __ ] is going on. I don't know. all right ban it I guess. I changed my mind. all right ban it. no I thought it was just people going. like this. I didn't know I mean they'll just go. somewhere else and do this I don't what. is the commitment to the like the. commitment to this is so.

wild like the commitment to this. these the Neo pronoun thing it's just. it's so it's some doesn't seem fun like. the hippies in the 60s were like we're. [ __ ] we're doing drugs we're rolling. around in mud this is like not fun. they're not fun I know what Neil. pronouns are thank you I'm aware of what. they are I don't have to bring them up. but and it just doesn't seem fun. you'd think being a hawk would be more. fun than that I am a hawk.

it doesn't seem fun like isn't how fun. being a hawk. I am a hawk not animal not all animal. Alters will identify this way I mean by. the way maybe they. kick me off. maybe they are just enjoying themselves. is this is this maybe a way to have fun. play a video where they're having fun. there's got to be some is there one. thing where they're smiling. there's got to be something where.

they're having fun being a hawk's got to. be fun right. the Disney the Disney filter one this. seems fun. [Music]. all right let's not I don't wanna yeah. yeah their tick tock's gonna get blown. up or whatever I'm sure because this is. going viral I'm not doing this yeah but.

that's what they want they're killing it. good for you. good for you. to tax impact on children a key point of. focus. New Jersey Democratic rep and member of. Mafia Frank. ranking member of the committee for. example said Thursday research has found. out that tick tock's algorithms. recommend videos to teens that create. and exacerbate feelings of emotional. distress. including videos promoting suicide. self-harm and eating disorder well this. is a problem and I've talked about it I.

have a bit kind of about it on stage. where a lot of girls started acting like. they were um. they were they had Tourette's because. they were on Tick Tock there was a bunch. of girls that like had like Tourette's. they pretended to have Tourette's and. then the doctor told their mother your. daughter is a liar. she doesn't have Tourette's it's fake. and then they had to take that car ride. home from the [ __ ] neurologist. and the mother had to be like really.

really. you're faking that you have Tourette. syndrome. at you're just screaming the n-word at. breakfast for nothing because you want. to have friends. that's a slur. now. lonely kids that have problems. uh go on Tick Tock and apparently they. see some really good can we find any of.

the tick tocks that like promote. this type of stuff like self-harm or. something because. yeah you want to see like the Blackout. Challenge or something like that what's. oh yeah because these I forget about the. challenges right so the challenges will. be like lick you the inside of your. toilet. I'll give you a warning when you search. it. get around that. tell them we want to die. get around that warning. so these challenges are really. destructive to kids.

um and this is what people are really. upset about because. here we go one example is Tick tock's. Blackout Challenge encouraging its users. please. can you go back oh that's it. so The Tick Tock Blackout Challenge the. families of two girls so. both ledge did both girls died from. self-strangulation. after they tried to partake in this Tick.

Tock challenge the Blackout Challenge. which reportedly encourages its users to. choke themselves. with items like belts ropes purse. strings into the business so this is. interesting all of these challenges like. where are they coming from. maybe they're come are they coming from. kids or. are they coming from like Bad actors. State actors. like is China doing this is trying to. like let's see if we can get the kids to. choke themselves.

I don't know maybe they are but I don't. know. or are some [ __ ] crazy kids putting. out these challenges and then other kids. are going I want to be cool I want to go. viral. like can we watch the Blackout Challenge. please yeah. here we go first one. this kid's like a child. [Music].

thank you. [Applause]. [Music]. he's not even blacking out. he's breathing. he's cheating.

you're not supposed to breathe. you're supposed to Black the [ __ ] out. can our kids do nothing right. [Music]. I don't see a problem with this. I don't see a problem with a kid on the. side of the highway trying to make. himself pass out. four views. I don't.

kids have rights of Passage when we were. kids we used to throw. eggs at a Bally's which was a gym in. Long Island and people would be working. on the treadmill and we'd throw eggs at. the glass. um at the glass window and the people. would like just see the eggs coming in. and they would work out and we were. doing that. because we were fat activists we were. anti-ableism we wanted to show them. that no but we would but it was a right. of passage like we had a little group.

called The somebody's because Tim Allen. did that dumb movie Joe somebody we. stole the sign for the movie did we call. ourselves to somebody it was really. funny a few of our friends were are not. deceased. hey kids I had a lot of fun we had a lot. of fun and we would do pranks we'd throw. like stuff off overpasses on cards and. stuff but not like you know but nobody. ever got hurt I think my friend one time. there was a problem but hey we just. threw we occasionally would throw eggs. it like but it was tough it was fun. pranks pranks like fun pranks nothing.

crazy. this is pranks. these are fun this is the memories these. kids are going to talk about like. remember when Jimmy. was by the side of highway to try to. make himself black out. remember that. you know where he is now. he's dead. he died in a car accident. he was drinking. but. he was a fun guy like.

I don't see a problem there I don't see. a problem. with American children. trying to black out. for cloud. I think this is like something that. we've all done at some point in our. lives. what are some of the other challenges. because this one's not even I'm not even. I think they have like a teeth filing. one as well. DIY teeth filing this one sure.

I'm gonna. I'm okay with this too. do this yourselves it's a tick tock. Trend that's making many people cringe. do it filing teeth with a nail file do. it guys it's literally literally working. wait let me give myself some vampire. teeth. DIY procedure is giving dentists a. toothache when I saw these videos I. almost fell off my chair you know I. think that people have been in lockdown.

for uh yeah because they're funny we're. all used to kind of cutting their own. hair Let It Go enough all right enough. listen. I have no issue with this. these kids they're having fun. they're pretending to have Tourette's. to making themselves pass out they're. filing their teeth. they're kids. they're kids. they're pretending to be Hawks.

they're kids. this is fine dude remember when your. sister thought she was a hawk. and she was a freak. we gotta let him do it man we gotta let. him file their teeth we gotta let him. pass out and die we gotta let him. we gotta let him do it it's our kids. you know we we gotta let him do it. there was another one of milk wasn't. there a milk challenge. that was a good one.

if there's kids watching this show I. can't I can't even do this joke anymore. because YouTube keeps age getting. everything. what so but there was a milk challenge. where I think you had to drink a lot of. milk. well the new one now or the one that the. one I remember was like the gallon. smashing and grocery stores. which was just making a mess. the gal oh the gallon challenge yeah. yeah wait wait yeah the drinking gallon. you know we you know we in school once. we swallowed like tried to swallow. teaspoon cinnamon it's so hard.

and we'd eat like a teaspoon and then. you start breathing like cinnamon. [Music]. they're kids they're smashing gallons of. milk. they're passing out next to the highway. they're filing their teeth. children. pretending after rats it's a goof this. is fun your kid just sit at the table. you're kidding they're going. [ __ ] [ __ ] N word. dude it's it's fun like stop being so. sensitive about everything.

this is the data that China wants. I mean it's by the way if China is doing. this. I mean. it's a little funny it's a little funny. if China's doing this can we get back at. them. why don't but they won't allow it they. won't allow it. but we've done a lot to try like we're.

fat we got there's fat Chinese now we're. doing that we got [ __ ]. go to a list of the American fast food. companies in China we're making them fat. and they're making our kids file their. teeth and that's fair. American fast food restaurants in China. let's see what they got oh wow Kentucky. Fried Chicken they [ __ ] love it there. okay McDonald's.

Burger King Starbucks. dude. they're we got. I think they got Pizza Hut too. they have Pizza Hut. they got the hot but here's here's my. point we're making Taco Bell China. wow. we're making them fat we're playing a. game too. we're gonna play a game too let's see.

how fun it is when all your citizens. just can't get off their chair. let's see how fun it is when you're a. billion people. can't walk. watch. we gotta we we can fight we fight the. way we know how to fight with the. [ __ ] stuffed crust pizza and the. McDouble that's how we fight fight with. breadsticks sauce. dominoes Papa John's barbecue chicken. pizza fight with Burger King.

mozzarella sticks fight with Oreo. McFlurries turn them into fat diabetic. monsters. they can come in our teeth will our kids. will file their teeth and pass out and. drink gallons of milk we will turn your. country into fat slobs very easily. very easily that's how we should fight. that's how we should fight.

Pizza Hut opened its first store in. China in 1990. followed by Domino's. Pizza 95. the two pizza chains both expanded in. the Chinese market in the 2000s by the. way that's our covid. that's our lab League. we are putting Pizza Hut delivery Pizza. Hut in China. people that didn't have a lot of food. now I can press a button and we'll. deliver pizza to them so this is the.

thing about globalization you get the. good with the bad right. you get the good with the bad so that's. the fight. that we have to bring to their Shores. folks I'll be on the road doing uh stand. up comedy. not in La kidding kidding. I'm not trying to start beef I'm just. saying enough already respect the.

Chinese children. Raleigh. this weekend Prior Lake Minnesota Grand. Rapids Michigan Englewood New Jersey. Huntington New York New Brunswick New. Jersey Peoria Illinois Kansas City. Missouri Portland Oregon Tacoma. Washington Palm Beach Florida North. Charleston South Carolina Hershey PA. that's with Shane Gillis Nick Mullen Jay. oakerson I mean what an amazing [ __ ]. lineup insane. Chicago Milwaukee San Francisco Bensalem. Pennsylvania.

and then. that's it. that's it. so I mean I don't know what what's left. to say here I mean I don't know where I. stand on this now I came in very hard. for not Banning Tick-Tock but now I've. seen some of the damages damaging things. that it's doing and I'm kind of on the. fence about it I don't know I'm gonna. ultimately say no don't ban it because I.

know people that have made a living on. it. um. and I think if your kid's a hawk you're. gonna have to deal with it you're just. gonna have to deal with the fact your. kid's a hawk there's a lot worse things. your kid could be than a hawk like a. teacher. your child was a teacher yeah my kid's a. teacher oh we're real proud. uh teacher yeah he worked real hard for. that. uh so I'd rather my kid be a hawk. I'd rather that than say my kids a. teacher I'd be like yeah my kids are. mentally ill Hawk who filed her teeth.

down and passes out on Tick Tock and. she's killing it she's got five million. followers and she smashes gallons of. milk they and they smash gallons of milk. and they file their teeth down and they. black out. at a [ __ ] at a whim they just black. out that's the type of kid I want a. [ __ ] Tick Tock Beast no I mean listen. at the end of the day.

what an interesting way that countries. are now fighting each other you know. like they're really aiming at the youth. and they're I mean I I don't know if. this is State actors doing this I guess. it might be. but I also think it's just weird I think. it's weird if you just give kids power. kids do really [ __ ] up [ __ ] now they. can spread it around the entire world. they do crazy [ __ ] and they're like look. I did this [ __ ] you could do it people. want to go viral the promise of virality.

of Fame of all this [ __ ] it corrupts it. does it's a bad value system right it's. not we don't we don't but we don't we're. not building anything on a solid uh. value system for our children you know. so I I do see why people are concerned. about it and you know it's kind of out. of their hands your kids are gonna have. iPhones you're gonna be in college I. mean they're going to be in a high. school or college they're gonna be on. Tick Tock and they're gonna be [ __ ]. you know they're gonna be. exposed to all this stuff you hope that.

I guess you raise them so that they can. fight The Temptations with this stuff. because it is very sad when. the kids do these challenges and then. they die before they've even seen how. many followers they've gotten. that's the saddest thing and that's what. I would say in the eulogy I'd go.

she died. before she knew she was trending. [Laughter]. she died the hawk flew away. before she knew she was trending. as always I will do direct deals on the. road I'm on the road now and I will do. direct deals with Muhammad bin Salman. the Saudi government and the Chinese. government if they want to sponsor my. tour. I have no interest in dealing with. middlemen I would deal with the Saudis I.

will deal with the Chinese directly. Putin directly if they want to sponsor. my two I do appreciate everybody who. buys tickets we've had a lot of fun new. dates in West Palm or May 5th through. the 7th bus Palm is always so much fun. it's just people that just left the. queuing on Boat Regatta is there anyone. more fun than that they're fun they're. fun and they write about some stuff and. wrong about other stuff but they are fun. and um we appreciate uh all of you all. the time Tim Dylan comedy.com get.

tickets thank you.