An American Royal with Bert Kreischer | The Tim Dillon Show #341

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Tim. Dillon show I'm very excited to be here. with. um the guy who put me on my first. podcast in La nobody put me on nobody. cared nobody would look at me. um and this guy said come to my house. and we'll do a podcast and thank you so. much it's worked out it has worked out. yes I'm A good scout yeah there's a. couple people where I I like where I. silently take credit when they when I. see them blow up since what it is is. like it's got to be like when you are an.

actual talent scout and you you see. someone that just makes you giggle by. yourself yeah and then you watch them. blow the [ __ ] up and then you're like I. knew I'm good I knew I can pick Talent. yeah well I appreciate that let me ask. you a question one um. what do you think do you think we all do. this like does podcasting go on forever. does this eventually stop does this does. this become like when we like younger. Comics now are not starting them yeah. they're just doing Clips. um that's the [ __ ] thing they're.

going out with short forms if you can. get heckled these days you're the. luckiest comic out there God damn it man. I'm so jealous if I had had Clips back. in the day because I was chaos on stage. right I was chaos take my shirt off. drink six beers on stage yeah welcome it. welcome chaos right man if we had. cameras back then so does this what. happens to this medium eventually I'll. tell you I'll tell you the idea of. having a podcast uh a conglomerate like. a like an umbrella yeah where you start. podcasting that's dead right that's that.

the idea of having like a company I. think it's dead I agree um I've had a. lot of people come and asked to be part. of my network and I'm like I don't have. a network I do me right I do me that's. all I give a [ __ ] about I don't want to. lose any of my attention about me social. media companies I think they're going. away I think people are starting to go. no no I'll just get that person I want. them to work for me I think I think. everything's going in-house I'll tell. you where I'm going yes I'm making this. you're a guy that you're always kind of. on. the new thing like you're always you.

focus a lot on whatever the new thing is. going to be in comedy like you you were. doing Instagram stories years and years. and years ago showing me how many people. were watching your story showing me how. they could buy tickets you were on all. of that [ __ ] I wonder sometimes I I. sometimes wonder if it's because I'm not. as talented as other people I pay. attention a little more and I work a. little harder yeah and I try things I. also don't mind failing but um but yeah. I mean I remember watching Joe and going.

I mean there's so much meat left on that. bone yeah I mean with all the all the. things he does and I look Joe wants. privacy and he's a bad example but I. remember going if I was Joe if I could. have that Outreach I'll tell you what. I'd do right and that's the way I looked. at it right and right now what would you. do so if you had like his level of power. oh dude I mean would it be I mean first. of all I'd be I'd be doing more movies. I mean I know that he doesn't want to do. that but I think that's funny [ __ ] well. he's got a bunch of jobs right he's got. the UFC he he's dad he's a comedian yeah.

he just does the podcast. so but but it's for sure there's maybe. more yeah I would do he could do he is. lazy I think Joe he's a little lazy I. think that's kind of what we're getting. at I think what we're getting at is. Rogan's kind of like a little bit lazy. is that where we're going I think he is. I mean I think he is you look what it is. okay work out more what does he do talk. to someone for three hours that's it I. know and then smokes weed and drinks and. this whole spending time with my family.

I'm not buying it enough I asked him his. daughter's name the other day and he. stumbled the world should know their. name yeah they should be monetized yeah. every member of that family should be. massively big on social I only trust a. man who puts his family on Instagram if. you're not on Instagram then he's not. around them it's a good point God Joe. really is he does the opposite of you a. little bit with that word he does he. wants more the Privacy he might be gay. is it maybe is that what it is and this. is his beard this could be his beard is.

absolutely I wouldn't be shocked I I. think most people who don't put their. kids on Instagram are gay. your kids are not all over social media. you're gay you're gay if you're not. trying to monetize every interaction. with your family if you're not trying to. [ __ ] yes. you're a gay man it sucks when you. realize that videos of your daughter go. are more popular than videos without. your daughter yeah then you're like yo. Isla yeah I gotta sell tickets in.

Cleveland yeah get over here stop having. teenager problems but it's you so where. are you going you just said everything's. going in house meaning that every things. are going in house the cameras are going. in the house it's like Epstein and the. cameras are in the house oh I just. bought a new house yeah and built it out. to just have all production in there. amazing so we have now is it just so you. can live 24 7 with people filming it I. said to my wife can we please put a bed. in here because I could be I don't I'd. love to just could you monetize your.

sleep like could you I've already. thought of it I've already thought of it. I've already thought of it how great. would this be okay yeah. it's a dream podcast so we get you to go. to sleep it's it's we work with calm the. the app right and we get you breathing. and get you into sleep and then as you. go to sleep. then I take over and I go all right. we're in and I I poke I take you through. dreams that night really great dreams. and you can scroll and be like I want to. fight dragons tonight so now what do you.

mean by you take them through dreams so. so you ever listen to a podcast while. you sleep and also I always fall asleep. to a podcast especially the best and. then all of a sudden you're like you. have a dream that like it's you and. Hitler and you guys are trying to clear. out the Eagles Nest before and you're. like God damn it I shouldn't have. listened to the [ __ ] Hitler podcast. so you're doing the inspiring your. dreams nicer and then I'm like hey grab. that coke. grab a Coca-Cola we're gonna be thirsty. fighting dragons oh and we put ad sales. in there so you're subliminally getting. into their mind because because that's. the last Escape people have from the.

culture of advertising is sleep and we. need to end that I had a dream I had a. dream I was listening I listened to um. to a podcast called This Day in History. I think it's it's on noiser okay and. they did an ad read in the dream and the. ad reach in the in the in the podcast. and the ad reads showed up in my dream. and I I woke up and I went that's the. future right you if if you can find. podcasts that put people to sleep yeah. some would argue that mine does right. then those and then you put ads in.

people's heads while they while they. sleep and then they wake up and they're. like it's like program it's like MK. Ultra programming Ultra programming yeah. like while they sleep and you just can. like he does oh Tito's you're gonna wake. up tomorrow at 9am and have a glass of. Tito's yeah and then you get in there. who cares what your wife says Jimmy Dean. sausages yeah that'd be great before we. fight a dragon sausage sandwich in there. so a nice runny egg an american cheese.

God I'm [ __ ] hungry now so now you're. what is the next iteration of you could. because you're doing fully loaded you're. out on the road with a bunch of comics. doing minor league baseball stadiums. doing Minor League Baseball stands. starting at Forest Hills we ended the. gorge and we're doing Arenas and minor. league baseball stadium you're one of. the biggest Arena Comics in the world. what are you now number three uh three. or four four four four who were the. first let's do it we're the first three. uh Sebastian fluffy and Joe Coy you can. get them you can get it I'm going after.

Joker you can get I'm going head-to-head. with that [ __ ] you can get him. as the nation of the Philippines the. whole nation. if I could just. isolate a minority to fall in love with. me yes we're going head to head right I. need I need one I'm looking at the mongs. fluffy dead the monks what are the monks. they're the Hill People in Vietnam are. they drunks no the hmongs am I saying. I'm wrong you need Native Americans. because there's there's not enough of. them but they're drunks and they live on.

reservations and they eat horribly and. they may love you and you gotta teach. them like yes your land was stolen but. it's a party yeah I could I would dude I. partied with a Native American one time. yeah on Crow territory Crow Nation and. flying in his van and when I'm on a. motorcycle trying to catch up with them. we're gonna go do where custard's Last. Stand was yeah and I'm flying on my. motorcycle cop pulls me over I'm like. I'm [ __ ] dead I'm dead I've been. drinking I'm on a motorcycle I'm going.

90 miles an hour funnest maybe the all I. kept thinking was I'm gonna hit a cow. right that's what my whole thought dude. turns around. leave this land right now to the cop. he's with me ignore him let's go wow and. I looked at this cop like sorry white. guy yeah it's Sovereign land due to. Sovereign land I [ __ ] could get down. on Sovereign. to be Sovereign land well you have to be. a Cherokee or a chicken chicken I was in. Oklahoma City there's a lot of them.

Chickasaw Cherokee yeah you know you. gotta have you gotta have some bloodline. or you gotta Trace some so I don't know. that was that Elizabeth Warren she tried. yeah you know I'm part native American. don't say that right she goes I can say. it I said no just it's better not to say. it right I can say it I am the grannies. grannies Nemo yeah with something my. mother always used to say it my mother. used to go I feel like I'm part Cherokee. and my mother looked like me in Drag and.

I'm like this there's nothing more. offensive than this comment coming out. of your fat white mouth that's the best. so now you've got three did you ever. think of it it's amazing you've got. three guys ahead of you yeah in this in. in the terms of putting people in seats. it's crazy. is there is there a moment if you if you. get if you beat them if you get to. number one and you're the top comic in. the world I go back to clubs immediately. well then what well I mean what the [ __ ]. it's like I'm already stressed out about.

it what do you do I'm already stressed. out about what I do now because right. now I'm get like. like there is no like what like what. what else happens I mean I made it I. made uh well I made a hundred thousand. dollar bet with someone. that I would never uh do Raymond James. Stadium. uh because I was like I was like that'll. never happen and the guy was like dead. seriously like I'll bet you 100 000 it. happens I mean I ultimately I guess. you're Kevin Hart you have to pay you. have to pay him yeah if I do it but I'm. never gonna do Raymond James I mean. where is that in Tampa like how much is.

it how many people [ __ ] 75 000 I mean. but like that's heavy That's Heavy it's. like I mean here's the deal I mean you. know what what am I saying um I don't. believe in negative talk I believe in. positive talk I put it in the universe. let's let's let that happen let's let. the machine comes out Memorial Day. weekend I hope it does great I hope it. does great for a lot of reasons number. one if the machine does great ladies and. gentlemen you will be seeing the Tim. Dillon movie next summer yeah well. that's that we've loved that that is. almost guaranteed well if Comics do well. it helps other Comics right that's the.

thing people [ __ ] up on yes it's like. you get jealous of other Comics no dude. when Comics do great it helps you it. just helps you no one looks uh no one. looks at Joe Coy blowing the [ __ ] up. right I mean and I'll tell you right now. I'm Different maybe I'm Different I. remember one time Joe Coy had a video. and because I would [ __ ] around with Joe. and Tom yeah and bust balls on Instagram. and he had a video of a tour bus inside. an arena and he was like yo what's up. bird I just got done my show and all I.

thought was. I I wanted my tour bus in an arena yeah. how awesome is that how awesome is that. right turns out it happens when there's. tornadoes but right it's not you don't. want it to happen you normally you just. want to tell me it means there's a. problem. [Laughter]. but like you want Comics to do good you. want Comics to blow up and and Joe is. the one that put that out there of like. help everyone they just help you right. but help them selflessly like I never I. never. I've never needed wanted anything from.

anyone I just want to watch people blow. up when Tom blew up dude I had a moment. I've talked about this ad nauseam but I. remember I have a moment when I realized. Tom was. way more successful than I was and we. were just friends and we didn't have a. podcast together. it was during they used to do a thing. called Oddball. um yeah I remember the Oddball I got I. was on Comedy festivals they booked me. for 10. or 12. and then they just kicked me off. because they were like yeah. and I was like I called Tom I was like. oh that sucks and he goes you're losing.

out a lot of money I was like oh it's. two thousand dollars a week and then I. had to play for my travel in my hotel. and he goes you're how much did you get. paid I was like 2 000 a weekend. he was like oh I said wait what are you. getting paid he goes and he was like I. don't want to tell you because I don't. know if we can be friends if you hear it. right and I was like I had to make a. moment where I was like okay are you. cool with. finding out exactly where you are in. this business right because that's a. moment and I literally I was like I put. my arms on my knees like my arms on my.

knees like squatted like sitting in my. desk and I had the phone sitting on my. desk and I thought about it and I was. like what's the number gonna be that I'm. cool with it I go 10 grand a weekend. right and we're in a weekend I'm like. that's fine maybe 20 grand a weekend and. he goes I'm getting paid 20 grand and I. went okay He Goes a show and I went what. right and I was like [ __ ] that's. way bigger than I but I was like I'm. happy for him it was good it was good. for you to know that that was out there. yeah I'm happy I want to see everyone.

succeed I want to learn from them like I. watch what Tom's doing with ymh and it's. really [ __ ] inspiring you look at. what Joe's doing when Joe's Joe's been. the model that everyone builds after and. then you just try to do your own things. like I've only tried to do fully loaded. only because I had this thorn in my side. about getting kicked off funny or die. right and I was like I wanted I was the. guy that if I got to do that Festival I. would have had the best time out of any. comic that did it right I wouldn't have. stressed I would have just why did they. kick you off kind of [ __ ] I mean. honestly for real now that I book a.

festival because I wasn't gonna draw. names right and they could save money on. me I wasn't gonna bring anyone to the. show it was a favor they were doing I. wasn't bringing anyone to the show you. don't think that when you're young you. take it personally it wasn't personal. they just were like they were like yeah. let's save two grand a week and let's. let's see if we can get someone a little. bigger right throw that money towards. someone else so you you Direction you're. heading in now you're saying. everything's in-house yeah that's why I. think everything's moving and I look at. what you've got yeah this is the. direction yeah this is the direction.

yeah but I I want. um be smart don't start kick the habit. put it out before it puts you out All. Phases we've heard a hundred times and. yet still continue to have bad habits. our sponsor fume is on a mission to. accelerate Humanity's breakup from the. bad habits to consume far too many of us. fume is a natural diffusive device that. uses plants and Behavioral Science to. help you trade out your negative habit. for a positive one fume is not a vape. it's a non-electronic device designed to.

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become better people. and their habits have gone away and they. now have good habits I have a friend. I'm not even gonna tell you what he used. to do. but he was in jail for many years. because he was very sick. and he did a lot of horrible things to a. lot of people. and many people refused to even admit. that they know him because he. you know he. I don't even want it's not even.

important to like get in he was. accountable. he was accountable. but he was he didn't murder people but. he would eat he would find dead people. and eat them I'm not going to go into it. I'm just saying that's why he's not. still in jail he didn't murder. he got out of jail and he started uh. with fume. and because it has the shape with the. you know with the it goes with the hands. and the thing and the adjustable airflow. what happened to him was he stopped. eating people and he started using uh. film. the easiest way to stop a bad habit is.

to switch to a positive one and fume is. designed to do just that it's fume's. goal to make switching easy even. enjoyable go to trifum.com use code Tim. that's try t-r-y fume fum.com and use. code Tim to save an additional 10 off on. your order today but now is there more. to be done in-house for example yeah is. it more content outside of podcasts oh I. think it's this is the thing right we. watched Louie make a movie we watched. you know we've watched a lot of stuff. happening now at one point it was very.

difficult to do shows like this because. the technology wasn't there yet yeah uh. the platforms weren't there yet it's. still very hard to make a movie on your. own you still got to partner up with a. studio you still have you know in five. or ten years is that the same thing or. are people making [ __ ] movies the way. that Studios made them okay so this is. my okay this is I'm gonna try to give. you an analogy for the way I look at. business. I don't. I I may be the shark at times.

right but I'm comfortable being the. Amora also now explain what the Amora is. it's the [ __ ] little sucker fish that. holds onto the shark and just takes a. ride interesting so like I want my. business to be all the amoras that are. on me all the time I want that to be my. business right so and so like let's say. for this is ideally this is how I would. have done it for the machine but I. wasn't set up to do that right I would. have signed a deal with legendary and I. would have said I would like to be in. control of my marketing I would like to. be in control of my social of all the. social media all the BTS I want to be in.

control of all this all the outside. businesses that go along with making a. movie that that are representing me as. well I want to be in control of those. and I would like that money I would like. that I would like that coming to me so. when I build a media company I'm looking. at say I do a TV show again I'm looking. at all the outside [ __ ] that they sh. that they'll Farm out PR social media. BTS all that [ __ ] I want it coming to me. and so I want that I would like to do. that and I do it very well right and so.

I already know I do it very well and. I've shown that I've done it very well. like the marketing for the machine not. to toot my own horn but I I got in front. of a movie that was sitting on the shelf. and got it off the shelf I got it off. the shelf I went and I leaked the. trailer on Rogan why was it on the Shelf. that's all the [ __ ] [ __ ] going with. the [ __ ] Putin right everyone's. scared I mean like I shouldn't say this. because I know I mean I know that people. even now people will be like you know. but but everyone was nervous that maybe. received negatively I said it's not.

about that it's a good [ __ ] movie. it's a funny movie it's a funny it's a. [ __ ] action comedy that has nothing. to do yeah it's not called Bert. Kreischer invades the Ukraine. it's the [ __ ] movie about a story. you've been telling on stage forever but. people were like cats when that when all. that [ __ ] happened down I remember. people going. so are you going to be able to tell the. machine on stage again and I was like. I'm fine yeah I don't think my fans now. then no one cares we're all a little. sick of this by the way yeah wrap the. [ __ ] up we've had enough and so and so I.

got that off the shelf they wanted to do. the announce I said let me do it I did. the announce. uh this went viral I said let me take. control of getting they gave me the. trailer I said let me take control of. getting that spread out yeah we had uh I. mean I shouldn't say numbers but we had. an a resounding effect with that trailer. within 24 hours same thing with Razzle. Dazzle I did Razzle Dazzle I took. control of all the BTS I took control of. all the marketing I took control of. everything BTS explained what BTS so I. have a film crew that comes with me and.

shoots everything and then in that. process we shot the announced the. trailer and we did all the editing we. did all that and then so that's the. business I want to be in is like it's. like just covering my business I don't. need to be the studio I don't need to be. the director I want everyone around me. that's the best but when it comes to. like the little [ __ ] jobs around me. I want I want to be running all those. yeah and that's and I think I think. there's people that are even better than. me that can do even more than that but. that's where I know I'm good at I know. I'm good at selling me to people that.

like me right that's it I mean it's like. I do it with stand up I you know I. remember when I got into. when I got when I got the first Netflix. special I was very proud that I got. myself there yeah because you know you. got to get yourself there like you get. yourself there that's I know a lot of. people may. may see that differently when they look. at us but like you you got yourself a. special on Netflix no one got you a. special on Netflix right you did by your.

stand up yeah you're waking up every day. and busting your [ __ ] ass right you. got and that's something to be proud of. yeah yeah and so and and so I remember. getting secret time and I was so proud. of myself I was like I got myself here I. remember I think in the meeting this is. gonna sound horrible you know when you. say something that's just comes out. wrong yes. I was at Netflix yeah and they're. congratulating me on my special. and I I don't know why I said it but I.

was like I got myself here. and everyone's like okay I was like no. no no no like no like I wasn't gifted. this like I earned this and it was like. a moment it was good that you no it's a. completely insane moment it's an insane. moment it's wildly inappropriate. punching me going nothing thank you well. you know what it was I made mortgage I. made a lot of money in mortgages one. month and my and I was like walking. around like I was the [ __ ] and then my. old boss said hey he called me into the. office and I remember I was so. embarrassed he goes hey man act like. you've been here before Oh I am not that.

guy God yeah I am not that guy it's my. first time and I'm letting you know it's. a surprise party that you've thrown for. yourself yes all the time all the time. dude I'm I've consistently I. consistently am I am I've had a friend. growing up the same as wicho he's from. Peru yeah originally and uh. I'm sorry if you're hearing this but. like he his his English was great he. would mispronounce words and sometimes. he wouldn't know what a word like he'd. say Rottweiler right and you're like.

it's Rottweiler and you go but wiser and. you know it's Budweiser right and then. you say a word like uh. omnipotent any good what does that mean. and like where everyone else would just. go like I don't I don't know what it. means but I'm not gonna say anything he. had no problem saying I don't know what. that means tell me what that means. and I I enjoyed that about him because I. got to learn what the word meant too. because I didn't know what it meant and. so I I took from that like it's okay to. be a [ __ ] country rube every step of. the way and let people know this is. [ __ ] this is like I've never done.

this before like I'm terrified I'm. nervous I'm scared this is fun like I am. [ __ ] I am I'm the guy in the end zone. I'm the guy in the end zone that didn't. even score and I'm dancing your tour. schedule is so intense you're all over. the world really I mean you you've done. it's a lot of America have you gone. overseas I know you have. um what is is this sustainable Forever. My Life yes oh interesting no no no no. no no no no no no no I'm I I look at.

your schedule and I I go on the road a. lot and I look at your schedule and I go. this is really amazing it's it's an. amazing commitment you've built. something that's wild. but I also go wow this is a you know. this is a pace that is incredibly you. know demanding well I think also there's. two things that go in with that number. one I was also and I've said this ad. nauseam but like I was also. when I met you I was not successful you.

were less you were still successful in. my eyes when I met you I remember you. were doing six shows at the DC Improv. and you would sold them all out and I. was like in the little room yeah and I. had come to talk to you and you were. really really nice and kind and you were. telling me about the difference how was. selling out like there he goes you go. they're selling out they're selling out. pre-sale they're selling out netting. shows there's 30 tickets right do you. talk to me about that whole thing and. then you go to theaters after this and. you would tell me about all this stuff.

but I remember you were still the one of. the biggest Club acts in the country but. you hadn't broken to the next level I. hadn't broken yeah I definitely hadn't. broken and so but there was a period too. where I was like I got where I got fired. from Travel Channel and I was right and. I was just like my podcast didn't have. money coming in and I was just like what. the [ __ ] am I gonna do with myself and I. remember being at the store and and a. couple Comics that were more arguably. more successful than me one of them that. one of the most definitely. just leaving me mid-conversation for.

someone more famous and I was like I was. like wow that's where I am and this. conversation with Tom so I think because. I got to experience that I look at this. going like make hay while the sun shines. I had someone tell me that the other day. uh one time this comic said you know it. doesn't go away you don't have to do it. all in one bite and I was like oh it. goes away it goes away for everybody it. goes worse everybody of course and it's. gonna go away for me look you look at. like you and I think you want it to go. away I think you need it to go and yeah. and that's what that makes you enjoy it. but I don't think I can keep this pace.

up like this pace is insane I thought I. had a couple weeks off before I go to. Australia I don't I have three days off. and I was like [ __ ] and so for me I just. would love to. I mean look I'll do it I'll do it until. the wheels come off right I mean I guess. yeah it's like what's the other option. what should I get into a TV show. no I don't know no meaning like should I. start watching secession like well it is. well number one it's a good show I. wouldn't I wouldn't uh replace working.

with just watching a TV show yeah that. was yeah because that's the option do. you ever think do you ever think well. because you've done the movie now yeah. and you you've toured so much do you. ever. think of is there anything else you want. to be really good at do you ever look at. something and go [ __ ]. I want to master some other. discipline whether it's related to this. business not in the business see what's.

interesting about Rogan is he's got his. fighting right yeah he's got his martial. arts like he does that he's in there he. does Muay Thai he does jiu jitsu. whatever I'm gonna open a glass of roses. okay please. and what he does is that is so essential. to like who he is as a human being. because obviously he's got comedy he's. got work he's got a family but he's also. got this other thing and I always wonder. like is there another thing that do do. we miss out on not having that not that.

it has to be fighting like do we miss. out on not having that other discipline. that. that some that he has. no I mean like maybe yeah I mean I like. like I'm not gonna start. jujitsu yeah but I'm just saying like. should mine be tennis. should mine be like. something where I'm like oh I've got the. people I do this with yeah we play.

tennis we we we we keep score we we care. like I'm like what else is there in life. I don't know I don't know like what. what do people do people golf sure you. know people golf then you gotta check. back I know. I never checked back that's a Bert. Chrysler rule you can buy what you need. when you get there yeah [ __ ] yeah I. never check bags. um I've thrown out so much bought [ __ ]. where I go I just needed it and then I.

go you make a good point because. sometimes I look at your schedule I'm. like that's crazy he's doing that but. then you're like what is the other like. the other day I was in the The Comedy. Store in the green room and like my. godson stops in he's Chinese he's two. and they threw him out because he's not. not allowed to be in the green room. because like some nonsense [ __ ] rule. you know what I mean now they're. policing The Green Room over there great. after years of Guantanamo torture. supposedly people are getting but the. point is my little godsend instructor.

and I'm going what am I supposed to do. be here every night like I like it but. what am I supposed like yes Birds on the. road like a demon bat out of hell I mean. he's got more miles on him than like the. pagans motorcycle gang I mean you are. out there but it makes sense because. after a certain point what are you going. to do you can't do spots no you can't. just show up to a place and do spots you. know what I mean there is a certain. there is a progression where I feel like. you are doing the right thing of like. you outgrow certain things in comedy.

where it's like. some of it's fun and then you go you. know what if I can't create my own world. this whole thing's about creating our. own world oh yeah and that's what you've. been able to do on the road you have. your friends the people you like the you. know you have created your own world and. then when you're living in these other. worlds they're like the baby's gotta go. and this and that and you go hey man oh. I have a I have a real problem with uh. with rules Bluetooth do I even need to. describe this but I will it's a unique. online service that delivers the same.

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myself up into into a world where I got. to define the rules right it's like. little things little things like when uh. when people are like like last night uh. I I got a hotel room we were in wherever. we were and I got a hotel room for the. afternoon I said I'm gonna sleep I have. a busy week this day I'm gonna I'm not. gonna [ __ ] around I'm not gonna work out. I'm not gonna do play disc golf I'm. gonna sleep today in the hotel room and. then I'll go to the show and my. assistant came in and he's like show. starts it at seven we should be out of.

here by like 6 30 and I went no. and he goes what I said when do I go on. I'm not going on it's seven I'm not I. don't need to be there early don't right. like I like little things like that I go. it starts when I show up and right and. if it and and so just so we're clear I'm. not gonna get there and and like I'm. like that with the airport like I just. I'm so [ __ ] bad I agree with you I. have clear I go right before the fly. yeah I like to get there I don't wait I. don't wait for one person on my team if. you're not ready I'm walking I'm going.

with you and sadly I do that with my. family yeah with my girls I go hey sorry. girls you're [ __ ] around you guys. everyone it's you're on the plane we. [ __ ] Leanne one time I go i s we're. we're in line at security and she goes I. don't I go let's go through clearance. she goes I don't have clear I go okay. well you wait here I'm gonna go in she. goes well why aren't you waiting with me. I go because I'm not because I'm not an. idiot right I didn't set my life up to.

to be an idiot right you set it up to do. idiot things right like not have clear. not have clear I'm going in clear and. there's stupid [ __ ] yeah so and then. she goes just wait I'm your wife you. wait with me and then I can hear people. commenting what the [ __ ] wrong with. you Bert no they don't know they don't. get it so I wait with her and clear. it's so demoralized I waited with her. and [ __ ] just in regular [ __ ]. Whatchamacallit disgusting and then we. get up and she goes oh I got that white. box thing and I go that that's clear she. goes oh I got that I went oh.

oh my God I know you're not supposed to. hit women no but sometimes but like that. would have been a time no that would. have been that would have been. definitely I was so angry because I got. bad I didn't know what that's why you. why why didn't you tell me this white. box thing right oh my [ __ ] god Leanna. versus said to slow it down yeah yes you. said it today yeah she called me today. and I and I and said oh I don't know. wherever I was on the plane or whatever. where the [ __ ] I was. she goes uh I'm gonna call Tim and. cancel today you need to you need to.

rest and I went hold on I love Leanne I. would have totally been okay with that. no I said but I I do like that you're. here out of all the things I'm doing. today this is the one thing I would like. right aggressively fine cancel the other. [ __ ] yes this is the one thing I like. I'm getting to drive into Beverly Hills. yeah I get to see [ __ ] L.A I get to. feel like I live here I went over the. hill right this is the [ __ ] thing I. got a bottle of Rose this is where my. tracksuit I have a bottle of Rose in a. in a beautiful okay it's like you know. my father had one of these bags but he. was a wine salesman but I like that you. have it and it's not your business this.

is your personal and your enjoyment but. this is what I like well just me and you. gossiping out there oh this is the. [ __ ] thing I live for it's just so. it's fun to hang out with someone and. just compliment to other comedians yeah. yeah just talk great about how few. specials are being released these days. how many specials I think it's 150 to. date too many from January to March. that's too many 150. what is comedy in. five or ten years is it anything we. recognize no it's not going to be. something we recognize Albert tell us. what it is because. I feel like you kind of know or do you.

do you have an idea well I think our. manager is still going to be around no. they're gone wow. managers are did you hear that managers. you're done I think managers the third. biggest comedian or fourth third fourth. or fourth fourth biggest comedian. telling you you're done you are done I. think I mean I think I think what. happens is everything's in-house once. again Doug Stanhope is the Prototype. that's right Doug Stanhope did it right. that's right and I remember telling my.

manager I want what Doug has and she was. like maybe maybe that's not exactly what. you want right like you don't live in. Bisbee in a compound and but but Doug. has everything talked about him he has. his own bartender he brings everybody in. everybody's under the umbrella of what. he wants to do and what his vision is. but you got to be willing to [ __ ]. work non-stop that's the other thing I. think that people don't realize you're. not working less now you're working more. way more you're actually working way. more than you would have when you could.

rely on Comedy Central or whatever where. you would just show up now you are. working you're hiring people you're. interviewing people you're figuring out. dynamic you're being a man it's weird. it's different I went to stabby's house. the other day yeah and he had five. people in there one dude and it's his. house podcast Studio an editing Bay yeah. he said he woke up the other day and. there's a guy on the couch that he. didn't know right and but that he stobby. works like that all the time that's the. norm if you're not willing to work all.

the time then you may get passed by. that's right look at Schultz Schultz is. all the trusting his you go into his. place and everything's in house with. Schultz yeah his best friend agent. manager right I mean he does everything. and then he's got a great team of people. around him that are all willing to to. work 24 hours is there a danger let me. ask the danger though cause I always. like to look at the other side of things. okay is there a danger that when. everybody's working so hard and I I. understand this and I'm doing it we're. all running around are we not living no. this is living this is living this is.

living this is living what about what. well like having interactions with. people that weren't monetized have you. ever talked have you ever talked to a. [ __ ] regular person I know Jesus. Christ go to drop off at my kid's school. one time yeah okay and then just watch. those conversations sometimes I wonder. about the the great material that we. kind of pull from life you you're gonna. get it like I mean like here's the deal. you're gonna live a regular life that's. right you're gonna live a regular life I. have regular friends we have a group of.

friends called the campers we all hang. out and talk and we do [ __ ] we go on. vacation together that's gonna [ __ ]. happen of course you can't not that's. not not gonna happen but like I don't. want to sit out there and like I don't. like I don't need to I don't need to. like immerse myself in a pickleball. League no I don't I'm not gonna do uh. adult softball right like I'm not like. none of that [ __ ] matters to me agreed. like I I mean I I would I I guess I get. drawn to my interests. which I like I like a good conversation.

at an airport bar yes I like a good. conversation at a dive bar I like going. and seeing houses I'm not gonna buy I. love that there's nothing better than. that oh there's so much it helps the. realtor because it trains can we go. let's go house anytime you want but I. immediately immediately go let's. monitors. yeah why don't we film it 100 open. houses I will do it tomorrow I will do. it anytime you want do you know what my. favorite thing to do is yeah uh I like. to profile the people whose house we're. looking at oh and see yeah I mean well. that's my whole my thing was like fake.

business where I would call Realtors and. I would get into actual negotiations. about a property and I would say I would. be a fake realtor and I would call them. up and I'd go listen my clients are. deadly serious they live in the United. Arab Emirates but here's you know here's. a couple of things that we need to get. we need to you know and what what. happens is it's immediately real. business for the realtor but it's fake. business for me and it's real business. for them but it's fake business for me. because the clients don't really exist. they don't know it's a big business. ninety percent of what you do in sales. is fake business it's not real until.

they sign the thing which very few. people do yeah so even though it's fake. business it's real business for them. yeah so it trains them it keeps them. going you're just fun for me I represent. a lot of very Discerning clients in the. Los Angeles area none of them exist. none of them exist but they are high-end. they're very Discerning they want Malibu. on the water they want Beverly Flats if. they want prime prime and they're I. represent hedge funds Real Estate. Investment Trust I represent massive.

guys that are from Greenwich Connecticut. oh my God I represent them and I call. these Realtors oh they waste all of. their time the ones you see on TV and. and and and they just go along with it. because they have they're vapid and. there's nothing inside of them except. they just wanna someone to sign this. goddamn paper and it's the best I like. wasting the time of people and it's. really it's good it's a great thing for. both of us because sometimes I have time. and I'm in traffic and I just pull them. up and I go listen how are you I go how. are you listening I have a client that's.

very excited about this property it. seems priced a little higher relative to. some of the comps in the area and I just. wanted to know are there details about. the house that would justify that I'll. wait and then they're like well. absolutely I'm glad you asked so the. owner actually yeah and I do it all the. time and I love it it's I have no. respect for the real estate profession. and and I do but I don't yeah so what. it's fun it's great to waste your time. I've brought them up to um like the. offers coming in and you can tell these.

people can tell. and I only do it to high-end people I. wouldn't hurt the small and medium. people that need the money I do it to. high-end people and I'm like the offer. is coming in this afternoon and they'll. call me back they're like what happened. with that offer I'm like oh my God. you'll never believe what you'll never. believe what hat they invaded to Ukraine. so to me I would love I think Tim Dillon. Burke Chrysler I love real estate it's. fascinating to me Realtors are very dumb. and they make a lot of money and that's. those are my favorite types of people. that's the American dream to not be.

educated to just kind of be like Fly by. Night and to somehow a massive Fortune. talking about tile the American dream oh. my God so these are my these are things. I like these are passions I have like. and you're right it's like we shouldn't. feel guilty that we don't do Jujitsu or. whatever because we have things that. we're also we would have I mean first of. all here's the thing is like we would. have been that guy already that's a good. point like I mean Joe was not a comic. who discovered Jujitsu no he was doing. that when he was in the martial arts. like I got right he was in a martial.

arts like I can play golf I'm really. good at golf but like I'm not the guy. that wants to go I mean I don't like I. like playing golf every now and then but. I want to do it if like I want to do it. once in a while right um I I can play. tennis too and I used to do it in the. mornings but you want to do the garden. what's that Madison Square Garden do I. yeah is this part of is this I would. imagine it's kind of a is it a pinnacle. or not it's not my it's not my white. whale okay I mean it would be cool be. really cool yeah but it's definitely not.

I mean like what is the white whale if. there is a white whale I don't know I. think I I think I got it you I think. you've got many of them I think well I. mean Red Rocks is a big deal for me. massive and uh such a cool place it's so. cool and then Red Rocks are cool a. cruise was a big deal for me right. um uh the bar I did the Boston Garden. which I didn't wasn't on my list well no. my radar right it was one of the coolest. things I've ever done yeah in my career. and then the Emily center in Tampa we. sold I sold that out and that was like I.

don't forget what the number was but it. was like it was [ __ ] sold to the. ceiling and my parents were there they. were in a box with yeah like a bunch of. sports guys where they was like a big. [ __ ] deal I don't think I have I. don't think I have like uh I don't. really have I mean doing Madison Square. Garden would be massive it would be. [ __ ] amazing yeah. um I think it would be great I think. it'd be great. but it's like it's like at this point I. I it would be awesome I don't you don't. want to negate it yeah. but uh I've just done more than I ever. thought I do so I don't it's hard to.

like what advice do you give to guys. that are like opening for you on the. road do you what do you tell them Don't. Stop opening for me right yeah because. that's the worst thing you can do that's. because we were talking about the thing. before you don't you don't ever want to. be viewed as someone's opener so you say. to them Stop opening for me one guy I. just thought I was like I like him way. too much and I just had to I I had to be. like he needs to do his own thing right. because right now people are seeing him. as is my guy right which is the worst. thing that can happen that's right. because then you go to clubs and people. don't I mean you don't know this but. people don't respect you right they go.

oh he's only he's only dot dot because. dot dot dot right and so um there's a. couple guys that I had to do that too. because I like him so much and and and. they're fun and they're fun they're fun. they're the I mean the best and they're. great Comics but it's just unfortunately. you do have to tell them like get away. from me yeah like when I started working. with JoJo asked me to open for him a. couple times and I was like I was like I. don't wanna I like I want to be your. friend right I don't want to depend on. you for money and I don't like I don't. want to be like look at your schedule.

ever and go like oh [ __ ] he's doing this. why maybe I should text him and say that. see that's that's absolutely I've opened. for only a few people a handful of times. you were one of them yeah but you but. you open for me once yes and then you. were like and then I hit you up again. you're like nah yeah and then and then I. mean and I would argue yeah in this in. this algorithm I just created yeah look. where you are well yeah yeah but you're. not you've never been someone's opener. never you've never been here. I did that Sandy sad gig with you in San.

Antonio and then I did that Theater now. you're in an arena but I did that. theater a couple years later because I. was like I just want to get to these. places on my own yeah and I was able to. do like the Chicago theater on my own. and the Masonic and all these amazing. rooms the beacon what you've done is. insane I mean it's insane I mean you. don't understand it's like it's it's so. impressive to see mostly not just the. venues you're playing but from my side. I'm a little more of the business side. how quickly you sell them out like. that's what's impressive well you know I.

think that like and who you're touring. with like yeah like I mean same Talent. Sam Talent is one of the greatest comics. in the country he's one of my favorite. people he wrote a book about stand-up. that's brilliant it's brilliant you know. what I mean running the light if you. haven't bought it you know you will and. he's gonna do Rogan soon my last opener. Marcelo Hernandez is now on Saturday. Night Live and like the Breakout cast. member so like the the people that I've. been lucky enough to kind of I look at. people that are working hard that are. good or whatever and um you've got to. have that you've got to have that energy. for yourself guys go get expressvpn.

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like you people like Joe have been. really good to me you've shared your. audience with me in different ways. you've allowed me to come on your shows. and be funny and you know I was able to. I didn't know what podcast guessing was. when I started I was able to get into it. I was good at it I loved radio as a kid. I listened to everybody I love all kinds. of weird radio from psychologists to. preachers I love to [ __ ] political I. loved you know when I would drive around. with my grandmother in Long Island when. I was an actor and they had me in like. singing class and dance class and we.

would listen to Rush Limbaugh this is. how gay Republicans are created this is. the lab the laboratory is a Ford Taurus. on Long Island being driven a dance. class but on the way listening to a lot. of crime statistics and I uh just fell. in love with the idea of radio and and. and podcasting I just liked it and we. talked to people twice a week every week. and those people have been nice to. support us in a myriad of ways but one. of them is coming out to see me do stand. up and you know having a great time.

doing that so I I've been lucky enough. that there's a platform to to you know. that I saw you guys when I got out to LA. I moved I looked at all you guys and I. went that's what I want yeah but you. you've got the you've got there's a gene. that you have or you don't have in. comedy yeah and that Gene is and I I. would argue maybe I I'm on the fence. with it I guess I'm not anymore Tom has. it yeah you and Tom have the same gene. where you do not mind working under. someone and figuring things out yeah but.

within a matter of seconds you're. leapfrogging over them well I always I. always like to learn from people I like. to learn I like to learn I always. learned I was always paying attention to. what they did that I didn't like yeah. and then I go oh don't do that like. that's the easiest way for me to. to. uh to get better was to see what I. didn't like what people did when I came. to La it was an interesting time because. I was exposed to not only comedians but. I was sitting down with people like. Logan Paul I was doing his podcast I.

just did his podcast the other day. you're amazing you and Logan Paul Paul. was so much fun yeah because you know. then and I got to be honest with you. that was the thing that transitioned. Logan Paul for me where I went okay I'm. gonna I'm gonna start paying attention. to him cool dude and he likes comedy and. and so being exposed to like that world. and people like the nelk kids and Hannah. Mojo all these people that had built. careers on the internet that weren't. necessarily comedians but they were. personalities and you take a little bit. for what they do I mean you did that no.

one else was doing that you know that. right yeah no I almost was [ __ ] with. Logan Paul interesting and I remember. you came and you went on Rogan and you. said if I had all the money in the world. I'd invest in him being president I. would and I went and you but you. understand that like you'll never get. this the way I get it right but like we. were so set in our ways as Comics yeah. that we looked at the internet guys as. like whatever right and you looked at. them seriously and you were like Logan. Paul has a huge following and he's. putting out content and he's a fun guy.

and he's nice and I literally now look. at it Sebastian fluffy Theo me Rob. Dyrdek everyone does Logan Paul's. podcast everybody and and listen when I. did it I I was like I didn't know him. but then I met him and I was like this. guy's actually pretty cool I saw him uh. you know talking about comedy he liked. comedy like so to me it's like listen I. think there's things you can learn from. all kinds of different people and I. think Comics get very stuck in whatever.

mode they're in in the model of doing. something and I got Flack some of my. fans were like that's [ __ ] up you. would talk to these guys I had Jake Paul. on my podcast at the Bitcoin convention. Miami with the Winklevoss twins these. are hilarious moments in my life where. I'm sitting on a stage remember I. started comedy in a tattoo parlor coffee. shop in Long Island called wild child. spelled with a Y like wild and I'm. sitting at the Bitcoin Convention in. Miami where [ __ ] the head of Twitter. Jack Dorsey just got off the stage then.

I'm getting on the stage and I'm. interviewing the wigglevoss Twins and. Jake Paul and it's hilarious [ __ ]. awesome these are insane lives and to me. that was the fun of it so the fun of it. to me is like not being bored and. creating insane things that are fun. whereas it's like I'll talk to anyone I. just messaged David Hogg the kid from. Portland and I'm like I'd love to just. talk to you on my show I have no agenda. he hasn't gotten back to me that's fine. maybe this will find its way to him but. I'll talk to anybody and and it's.

because like I just want to have fun and. I want to do cool [ __ ] that I wouldn't. be doing if I was still a mortgage guy. but you're but your your Vibe has always. been. so authentically you I mean and and I. not to discredit what I said earlier. about like loving finding you or. whatever but like when I met you I just. was like. you ever meet someone and you're like. I'm not done getting to know that person.

yeah yeah if I want to meet is how I. guess you ultimately fall in love with. people but it's also how you make. friends where you go like like when I. met Tom I remember going like how is he. so confident right like I remember being. like how does he believe in himself. right and and when I met Joe I was I was. like. how is he so curious I mean like if that. the one word I say about Joe he is the. most he wants to know [ __ ] that. I go I'm not more Curious when I met you. I was like I was like I'm not done. talking to him yeah and I was like I.

gotta I want to get to know him and I. think I think that's the fun in this. business is like. just. like there are people that look at it in. in micro bites and they're like how do I. get this how do I get that how do I get. this as opposed to looking at the bigger. picture going like look at that how do I. shoot in that direction yeah how do I. get and how do I land over here and and. I I think we were cutting our nose off. despite our face with all the. interesting people that we could have. met I think Joe is a huge part of that.

but you I mean. I can just say about the Logan Paul [ __ ]. I would never have [ __ ] with Logan. Paul well I appreciate it I I think that. like they're these worlds that we're all. in now are no longer as isolated as they. were yeah everybody is in the same place. everybody is making stuff everybody is. has an audience everything is this is. how I'd run your business yeah this is. what I do if I could be you yes I'd love. to be you. wow you're so much better than I am. that's not true I didn't know you really.

are like because I know how good I am. like trust me I would love to be you so. what should I do uh I I would have how. many employees do you have right now. we have. one to two we have about two okay we. have very lean operations we're gonna. have to scale up I know I know we're. gonna we should get more people you need. six eight you need you need a personal. assistant that's dealing just with your. touring yes and then you I agree and. then you need I would say I would bring.

someone on to help you focus on your. movie stuff yes uh and then. and then I would start there and then. when I when I signed a movie deal I. would say I would I would if I were you. I would take control of everything they. have right I mean you're you're. I mean I I I your trajectory of your. career is going to be astronomical I. think. I would have all those people in place. for when it happens it's very nice of. you to say um and here's the problem is.

that you're I know the problem is that. right now with small overhead and a big. income you don't have to worry about. money. no that's the problem but the other. thing is like do you have a manager no I. would get I would hire someone to be. your manager really I would really yeah. what about yours I would you can get. mine does she not like me does she like. me no she loves you she loves you she. loves you I feel like me and her there's. weird similarity maybe in a sense she. loves you and she loves you I I don't I.

can't talk too much about it of course. about her because like as I say I'm. getting Management's going away I'll. never stop working with her no of course. her insights her insights have been. golden for me on so many times when I. did uh the hot summer night store when I. I created the drive-in movie theater. tour yeah. um I backed out initially they booked me. like 12 dates and I backed out and I. said I'm out I don't want to do it. everyone was telling me don't do it and. I'm a regular guy I'm not like this. [ __ ] guy that knows everything I just. I sometimes I'll have crazy ideas and. then I have people in place to put them.

in place and then I backed out and she. goes don't back out do it and I said. what do you mean she goes I know you and. even if it sucks. you will create content out of it it'll. be worth the right the things let's. scale it down from 12 to 6 and just try. it see if you like it and if you don't. like it it's six things that you just. try and you have content from at least. you got out of the house over the. pandemic just try it and I went you're. right I'm gonna try it yeah and I did it. and I fell in love with it the very.

first night and then I ended up doing 60. cities and but it but she is. the other thing about her her name is. Judy marmell we should tell her name yes. only because she is a gangster she has. the brain she's got some of the biggest. comics in the world she yeah she does. she has the brain that does not shut off. for your life right Judy. will. Judy's the first person that I we I did. the Impractical Jokers cruise and I.

pulled her aside I said I want to do a. cruise. she's like what I said this is like my. white whale yeah that I was on that. cruise with you yeah and you loved it I. had more fun yeah than anyone on that. boat yeah I was saying to myself like a. bird's gonna do one of these and you. even said back then you said I need to. do a cruise I pulled her and Nick news. 40 aside and I said I need to do a. cruise this I have to do this and we put. everything in MO she Judy literally. never forgot that thing and thought.

about it Non-Stop and would send me. articles uh Kid Rock's Cruise uh the. [ __ ] the WWE Cruise like she thought. about it not that's the thing that's a. gangster about her I wish I could I wish. I mean I'll tell her to say this out. loud I wish you'd get rid of all her. clients and just work with me right. that's the move right that's the move. you know but yeah like but yeah she. would [ __ ]. she would you know she would crush it. for you but you don't you I mean like. you are so here's what here's what. you're you're making a good point there. is a lot I do put a lot on the people.

that I work with in the sense that you. know it becomes uh I think hard to know. who you'll need coming up because. there's different like the movie side's. A Different World and like all those. things are different worlds and I don't. know in those worlds I don't know nearly. what I know like in this world so in. this world I know exactly what's needed. I know exactly in those other worlds. it's a lot of different requirements and. stuff like that but Eli I'm excited. about the Eli Roth I think like I'm. excited I always when I was growing up.

wanted. I looked at these comedy movies and I I. always loved them I wanted to be in them. and then I always and I think over the. last few years ago we need more of them. and we need them now we need those types. of movies that are like early mid-2000s. comedy silly goofy movies that people. can just escape and relax and I think. we're missing that think about how big. comedy is right now it's huge I mean. tickets are amazing like it's as big as. it's been on the live side it feels like. oh it's it's never been here how many.

comedians and I mean you've been in this. for a long time how many comedians are. theater Comics a lot. how many people are Arena continents a. lot unless they're in the Arena Comics. you Tom Joe. um Dave Chappelle Chris Rock Bill Burr. Louis CK if he wants to I know he's you. know whatever. um Chelsea Handler. um. uh you know there's there's others too I. mean there's there's Arena Arenas when. we were growing up it was dice right it.

was dice then it was Dane yeah and then. it was like one person became an arena. comic and they were the biggest one in. the world now we're all doing them and. and by the way I mean I mean not to not. to but you're the Arena Comics are being. doing arena is very accessible these. days I believe I believe when you get. learn we learned how to take charge of. our own careers yeah and isolate our fan. bases and go like yo this is what I like. you like that yeah we're all on the same.

page right come watch me do stand up. right back in the day it was like you. hoped you Omaha Funny Bone sent out a. mailer list yeah to get people at your. show no this is a whole new world it's a. world a look at Matt Rife who's killing. it that rice is a sweet kid it's awkward. because it's like we look so much alike. that people are always like who which. one is you yeah and yeah I get that a. lot with that's Trevor Wallace that's. very hard Trevor Wallace also yeah so. like all these people like this isn't. just you can go out now and make your.

career what you want it to be there's. nobody really holding anybody back and. there's no Gatekeepers there's no. Gatekeepers so that energy has got to go. away like that energy of like any. bitterness or any resentment or any. anger that you have cannot be justified. or rational right now in this moment in. the world nope at you can be resentful. at the government you'd be resentful to. your parents I'm presentable both of. those but you cannot be resentful at. anyone in this business keeping you down.

dude so many times listen I don't even. want to talk about this because it's a. personal situation. I was trying to buy. um. tickets I don't I'm gonna go into this. right now and because it's truly. something that's is real. my schizophrenic mother. we wanted. I'm trying to say how to do. we wanted to euthanize my mother at a. Taylor Swift concert.

because it's about that time. and my mother isn't doesn't really even. she didn't really even know Taylor Swift. but we were going to explain to her to. you who Taylor Swift was and how cool it. was that we got tickets for her and and. we were going to euthanize her at the. Taylor Swift concert so that she could. enjoy a performance from Taylor Swift as. the FI and that would be the final thing. she would see on this Earth. um. and we couldn't do it it was very tough. so I mean the reality is buying tickets.

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buddies go we all have tickets tonight. how cool is that I'm telling you Game. Time download the app create an account. use the code temp for twenty dollars off. your first purchase no and I remember. when I was resentful you sure me too I. remember that so I remember when. somebody would get the Montreal Comedy. Festival and I wouldn't get it and I had. a great audition and I'd sit there and. I'd be outside New York comedy club or. whatever smoking a cigarette in a in New. York City and I'd be like [ __ ]. but this is what it is I remember being. resentful for people that didn't know I. existed right they didn't know I existed.

I like that and I would just be like I. hate you I hate these people for not. knowing and then I'd run into them and. I'd be like what's up and they'd be like. hi I've never met you before and I'm. like oh for real right but you didn't. get my submission tape yeah oh I was so. pathetic I would do submission tapes and. I had cool music in the front that I. thought the guy would like oh God I wish. I you had one of these oh my God it was. what kind of cool music This Heart Is On. Fire. I am so pathetic and then you would get. out there and you would go just do you.

would just do jokes my stand-up was so. bad when I was yeah that's the other. thing I would say is like. I got really lucky it's it's uh this is. a big statement okay that could get me. in trouble no that's okay what's. happening right now with comedy. is what happened. is what is what happens to hot chicks in. comedy interesting. so hot chicks and comedy. they get scooped up the second they step. on the scene that's right if you're.

beautiful you're in and you're pretty. good right even. pretty confident you're in you're you're. scooped up and you got spots you wanna. you wanna headline we'll take your. headline agents managers let's get you. in let's get you into theaters let's get. you into right like let's let's do this. for you that's right now there's some. exceptions to this rule. and I'll say Chelsea Handler's a big. exception she's beautiful and man when I. first saw her she was a gangster on. stage right but I will say that that is. the problem is that a pretty woman. sometimes allies is an exception but. they get scooped up and they get put in. positions that they're maybe not ready.

for. um I got very lucky in that I was just a. dude who got to be good or mediocre for. a very long time and then I got pretty. good and then I got that hot chick. moment where they put they go you ready. for something and then you're like oh. I'm already good I know how to do this. I've been doing it for 22 years right. that's what's gonna happen with comics. comics are gonna they're gonna get. they're gonna get like a video that goes. big online yeah and they're and. everyone's gonna be like oh [ __ ] we. gotta go see them and then they're not. gonna be ready it's the Last Comic.

Standing probably purple Parable Parable. is where these guys could do five. minutes ten minutes and then you're like. holy [ __ ] that's the guy and then they. blow it during an hour they blow up well. they can't they can't sustain so does. this does this comedy boom that we're in. right now does it end does it kind of is. it the result of we're out of the. pandemic and everything but do you see. it ever Contracting and going you know. kind of getting smaller it has to it. seems like it inevitably has to I was. saying this earlier it's gonna start.

when the when the cool kids start hating. us. yeah when once they probably already do. I think they definitely know me they. don't know. some of them like me I think a little. but I feel like that's ending too yeah. there I mean once by the way I I. celebrate it I bring it I'm a fan of. [ __ ] comedy that's the thing they. have to hate us dude when Nirvana told. Molly crudico [ __ ] themselves that's the. thing that's right right when the first.

comic that's like someone one of these. kids at the mothership is gonna smack me. in the face with brisket and then just. get on stage and replace me I mean. that's the thing is like. I mean it's a gangster [ __ ] move and. not to like but the. that that's what makes art cool yeah for. sure is they got to be like yeah I don't. want to be a [ __ ] Arena comic yeah. [ __ ] you well that's what he also seem. like when we started when I started now. when you started but when I started. everybody had a PBR a beard New Balance.

sneakers they were all in Brooklyn or. Echo Park yeah you couldn't get on TV. unless they loved you we were all doing. shows like Whiplash and meltdown it was. Melania Camal and Pete and all these. guys it was the outgrowth of the scene. in Brooklyn New York and in like Echo. Park and Silver Lake Los Angeles and. then I remember things started to change. that guy code came in and that started. to change because my code was the. [ __ ] Canary remember God couldn't. grow good people oh they can sell. tickets and they're not hipsters. interesting maybe there's a whole Market.

here that we're [ __ ] ignoring oh and. so all of a sudden all these Gatekeepers. that for a year and I know some of them. uh you know these guys that used to. produce these really big shows and they. used to work at management companies. maybe some of them worked at Comedy. Central like they were the ones who were. curating comedy they lived in Brooklyn. all their friends were like we're going. to this room never clubs it was like a. room the Knitting Factory or a Hannibal. show or whatever Whiplash and then the. guy called Girl Code thing happened and.

it's like oh my God so this is. underserved Market of essentially. regular people that are younger that. don't live in Brooklyn and don't want to. hear Arcane literary references it will. buy tickets and Guy Code launched a. bunch of these different people and that. was kind of the beginning of the change. of like then the club started to open up. and when some of these new Young. creative guys that are hanging out. downtown let's have them in let's have. them in and the seller and the stand in. New York and other clubs started. bringing in younger hipper comics and. then the old scene kind of dissipated oh. yeah and then it just kind of became and.

the internet but I remember when we. started it looked nothing like it does. now so I only wonder and that was I. started 12 years ago so I only Wonder 10. 12 years from now if it'll look anything. like it does it's so interesting I'm. gonna be [ __ ]. 65. you'll be out there I'll still be. hanging out oh you'll be I'll be hanging. out and I'll celebrate it I actually. think you'll still be doing massive. shows I would like to be I would like to. be I'd like to be like Ron White like. Ron White I think maybe not just.

frequently but I think you'll be out. there. killing I just wonder what it'll be like. in tenure it might be interesting like. I'm wondering right now every comic goes. out the Oliver camera they're all. filming their stats they're all cutting. you know we weren't allowed to do that. no yeah they would tell you you can't. film in here right and you'll be like. all the time because like their idea of. filming was this big dude this kid that. was opening for me nice kid we get to. Rogan's Club I give him a guest spot on. a show I'm doing Rihanna's Papas and he. goes can I set up a cat I got Buddy. Buddy Buddy your first time in Joe. Rogan's new comedy club nobody knows who.

the [ __ ] you are you've been doing. comedy two and a half years but. immediately he's like well wait what's. in it for me where's my clip I want my. Mothership clip oh [ __ ] but but that's. there that's the way it is now. that's the way it is. and I get it because he's like what am I. gonna do like you sit there and do 500. hours of a podcast you [ __ ] [ __ ]. I'm gonna do One Clip that's a [ __ ]. dude that's a moment they all look at us. like dinosaurs they go who gives a [ __ ]. your bird Chrysler sits in chicken one.

you're gonna just [ __ ] sit there and. you guys are gonna talk about whatever. they're basically like it's a minute. it's a great clip it's viral on Tick. Tock and then boom Off to the Races oh. and there's nothing wrong with that it's. the new way to do it you I I'm obsessed. with it I can't believe we isolated it. yeah. one day we're gonna be Motley Crew. That's it into the VMAs 100 going up to. Kurt Cobain going hey man I'm a big fan. and he's gonna go go [ __ ] yourself right.

oh that's gonna suck I hope but it's. gonna be beautiful because look at the. it's a nice Journey it's a nice Journey. it's a nice journey and look Motley Crue. came back they're doing big tours now. it'll all come it comes in waves yeah. it comes in waves what sucks what sucks. is one day Rogan won't have his podcast. can you imagine that no no no no no no. no don't you say that don't you say that. I have to do you know that one day. eventually there won't be a Joe Rogan.

only and this flips me out because for. my life my career my everything I've. always I just know that it's going on I. know that he's sitting across a desk. from somebody I know if I want to listen. to it if I'm on a plane or whatever it's. gonna be there but one day I don't know. not anytime soon perhaps but like one. day it won't exist Larry King went until. the day he died that's true maybe maybe. Joe will do the same Joe's gonna go do. it forever. you think so yep interesting I'm gonna.

I'm gonna say Joe will do it forever I. will tour forever. I will tour forever everything's forever. I'll do it forever I love it but that's. the thing is like it's the funnest it's. the funnest thing you could do for sure. like I understand things will ebb and. flow right but you just gotta go as hard. as you [ __ ] can yeah. God that's so crazy yeah what is the. future that's the question what is the. future like I don't know there's a kid. right now. in ninth grade listening to this and he.

goes and he just goes oh this is stupid. he goes this is so [ __ ]. this guy's 50. you know he's drinking. Rose. this is other idiots wearing a Hawaiian. shirt and a hat yeah and usually wears. sunglasses like this because the lights. are bright and he goes I don't want to. be that person I don't want to be them. yeah I don't want to be them hold on I. brought my sunglasses oh you did put. them on and it goes and you go somebody. else someone there's someone that's. gonna look at Mark Norman wearing.

sunglasses on a podcast anger we hate. him and go why why the F what are you. trying to do there's people out there. that hate us right now there's people. and that that is good that's what you. want you want you want it you want it. because it means that there's going to. be a natural that there's still passion. out there there's people that have a. hard time seeing our authenticity in. these outfits you know me and you I have. a hard time seeing our authenticity. [Music]. [Applause].

there's a there's people who I would say. they may have a uh agree because maybe. people feel like we've become like. Monsters. [Music]. maybe listen there's there's people out. there's people out there that are going. to.

stupid Brooklyn they're smoking a. cigarette they're like that's what. happens when you get rich that's what. happens when you become a a successor. and they're going to become a version of. it too that's the other thing here's the. deal they'll become a version of. whatever they hate that's the ultimate. irony yeah if they're lucky enough if. they if they if they don't make it then. they can just never make it but if you. make it you'll become some version of. something you don't love because you. have to do certain things you never had. to do you have to think about marketing.

you have to sit down with these people. you're right so when I got into comedy I. [ __ ] hated. sorry I'm saying this Dane I hated that. Dane would go big secret coming on. Thursday yeah can't wait to share with. you guys I hated it yeah I hated guys. that would tell stories about themselves. yeah I was not that guy I really wasn't. I know this is going to sound I know. this is impossible for anyone listening. to hear I was not the guy that told. stories about himself at all all through. college never once did I brag about did. I tell you about the time I got involved.

with the Russian mafia right there are. people that I went to college with that. do not know that story that because I. just didn't I didn't talk about myself. like that right. I was a person that was like. not I mean I just wasn't a comic but I. was like let just move forward yeah and. and then when Rolling Stone discovered. me look I'm doing it right now I'm doing. it right now I'm promoting yes when. Rolling Stone discovered me and then. they started asking questions about me. everyone had a story about me because. that's who I was I was a guy that. partied and was wild and crazy right. here by the time he took a [ __ ] on a. pizza box to win an election right did.

you hear about the time you know right. and so and then when I got into comedy I. realized oh. I don't know any of these people. no one knows that I um. crazier I have these crazy stories if I. don't talk about them on stage then. because I tried to be the [ __ ] smart. comic right I remember the first joke I. wrote was uh because I like Mitch. Hedberg I couldn't write his jokes and I. was like what if Papa Smurf's middle. name was boner Papa boner Smurf. so bad.

I did that in an alt club yeah in. overalls that's yeah that was the. beginning and I was like nothing. and that is the only joke I wrote yeah I. figured from there I could jump off. right really riff yeah. oh my God I remember that Brody Stevens. was in that room uh Barry Katz's uh. ex-wife was in that room yeah. um. ah man how awkward and then uh and then. and then I then I felt like at one point. I felt like especially.

when I started doing like I was like if. I'm not telling my stories no one is and. if I'm not promoting myself no one is. and if I want to make a living at this. then I've got to get in front of it I've. got to be the guy going like and and you. know short sell like I tell you about. you know I always try to take a story. and and give you the give you the part. that like I want to casually drop it to. you like I fought a bear one time and. then someone's like wait you found a. bear and then go oh God now I got to. tell you a story it's a little trick I. do something I used to do it a lot on. radio yeah when I did radio. but I would not I would not have if I.

saw me today when I started comedy I. would not have like listen when you. started you're too cool for everything. yeah and then eventually you realize not. only are you not too cool for it but. literally you're gonna have to do some. version of what a lot of other people. have done you got to promote yourself. which is the grossest thing ever but you. have to do it there's no other way. around it yeah and you know and I watch. guys not promote on purpose that's not. to move Shane Torres brilliant brilliant. brilliant comic right you put a camera. around him right and he's like your 80.

year old Aunt right get it away I don't. have makeup on right and I told him I. was like we just produced this land just. produces special yeah and uh and I was. like yo we're sending you to promo Camp. right like we're gonna take you into. promo camp and teach you because there's. a part of it that goes. it's the if a tree falls in the woods. does anyone hear it she's a brilliant. comic there's a bunch of people right. now that are hearing this and go I bet. he is but do you go Google him right do. they go find his comedy do they search. him out they won't but if Shane.

Stars takes charge of it take charge of. it then they see his comedy and then all. of a sudden they get a brilliant comic. that they get to fall in love with. that's the beauty of promotion but it is. the whoreness of it is like I watch the. whole year you become a little bit of a. disgusting Pig [ __ ] and if you and if. you don't. I mean I've always tried to lean in to. just show them where the pig lays that's. right like put on a speedo show the. [ __ ] learning dance moves yes [ __ ]. bring a marching band out yeah just let.

them know that I am aware I'm promoting. yeah but I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna. I'm I'm not gonna be like. like there's not a lot of cool ways to. promote uh so you gotta go big I mean. you gotta go big and you're gonna not. care it doesn't really matter okay I'll. tell you what you can't do right I mean. I'll give you the ins and outs of what. you can't do phone up guys so crazy. right we sold out the first show. I I we're adding a second show this is. insane you got like that energy right.

it's it's it's it's like when I first. started doing uh Myspace yeah and I. remember you'd go like uh I'm out I'm in. Brea tonight yeah and there was a. difference between saying I'll be in. Brea tonight versus I'll be headlining. in Brea tonight right because then. everyone's like oh you don't normally. headline I might go and see that show. right like if you put that I'm. headlining then you're like but. there's something cool to be proud of it. like stavi just sold six shows in at the. Vic great in Chicago yeah dude.

I'll tell you what and this is my two. cents yeah but him saying I sold six. shows in at the Vic in in Chicago such. an amazing weekend I'll see you this. weekend New Orleans and wherever he was. yeah I remember the cities because I go. oh if I was in that City I'd go see him. he just sold six at the Vic right like. that's a cool way to go about it I think. everyone's got their own little. authentic thumbprint yeah and I think. once you find your thumbprint then you. can talk to your fans a little bit yes. yes I mean that that's a hundred percent. the case yours has always been a little.

more humble and like and like almost. low-key almost like you and Shane Gillis. are the same way like Shane will be like. and there will be a point and I there. was a moment where I was I got a nice. Cruise where I was like. I do a promo video to start the tour. yeah sell them out and be like all right. you won't hear from me again yeah you go. to Arenas and you're like oh there's. always tickets yeah you gotta always. there's always always yeah I mean I. think with my thing is just like some. people you're so creative with it I'm. not as creative with it so what I do is.

kind of like we cut really fun promos. for things that are funny and kind of. specific to the region because my show. no matter what I have my jokes I'm gonna. talk about where I am yeah so there's. gonna be things you don't hear that are. jokes like so San Francisco or Long. Island like there's gonna be I'm you. know that's what I'm doing with you. that's what I do to you it's what I do. it's like I have an interest in places. like if I do Oklahoma City there's 10. minutes on Oklahoma City yeah if I do.

San Francisco there's maybe 15 minutes. on San Francisco like I love that idea. of walking around the place putting. together my thoughts and you know. workshopping them a little bit maybe. working them out on a podcast but like. making it a show that is specific to. where I'm at at the moment like that. it's also it's also as a fan as a fan of. yours yeah it's what I enjoy like coming. here today I was like I know how your. brain works yeah and so I go your brain. never shuts down it never shuts down you.

have something you're always writing. some analogy or some rant on something. and I was like I'm not writing at all. right. I literally was like I gotta start. writing I was literally like in the car. going. what do we do about how do we get an. analogy about Austin University. well and you did it and that was. beautifully done yeah it was beautifully. done you're the only person in America. dude that has not moved to Austin Texas. you're the only one well it's the. coolest place to do comedy it is really.

cool. that's [ __ ] I mean listen it's. a fun for me I love it it's a fun. frequent visit it's I'll tell you what I. I had the most fun the most fun the club. is the most fun comedy Mothership and I. I'm man it's done you know I would 100. Joe's balls no it's done even in a funny. way it's done perfectly it's done. perfectly it's not perfect it's a comic. put together the perfect common code. that's right so and and what's going to. be cool is you know the city.

if I worked with the urban planners I'm. a city planner. the comedy club's phenomenal comedy. club's amazing it's great I love I love. going there Leanne and I were talking so. we just bought a tour bus and we were. talking about finding buying a place in. Austin I didn't actually talked to Joe. about getting his realtor buying a place. in Austin. and then getting a place on the lake and. putting the tour bus so the place tour. bus has somewhere centrally located to. be interesting yeah and it's not a bad. idea we may still do it I mean I wish.

I'd bought a place. uh a year ago two years ago when you. bought a place yeah I wish I bought a. place then because I'm there all the. time yeah they're a lot and I literally. was as you said like I still have a. house there I was like maybe we yeah. well maybe I could stay there when I. come yeah absolutely can the thing that. was smart is that um. you know it's it's a good investment to. have a spot there I wish I bought then I. I look I I when I go there I I only see. one hotel and two bears the yma studios.

and Rogan's the place now I get to go to. now I'm glad the company mothership's. open because. it's it's it was either I did one night. there and I had the most fun I've I've. ever had on stage yeah the only other. time I've done a comedy club was Comedy. on State which is the [ __ ] best it's. amazing and I [ __ ] loved comedy. membership in my opinion was better than. comedy on stage yeah it was amazing and. that's hard to say because coming on. stays the best right I they wanted me to.

tell the machine story and I was like. I'm absolutely not telling it and they. started going crazy and I knew Ron White. was upstairs and I said I'll tell it if. Ron White comes down and tells tater. salad oh interesting and wrong and. everyone's like loses their [ __ ] they're. like Ron whites here right and then Ron. White's like I'm coming oh wow he came. down on stage told Tater South he hadn't. told it in years oh my God I'm told in. years like FaceTime Lee and Leanne's. favorite Comics Ron White yeah Ron White. and Bernie Mac yeah and so uh I I played.

I let her watch it on the phone it was. [ __ ] epic yeah it was epic and and. you know the thing that Joe's got going. for. mothership is that we're all going to. come down to do his podcast all the time. all the time all the time we're all well. I'll also go down there all the time. because the club's amazing and it's a. great place to build stuff and work out. yeah that's great and I want to do the. small room yeah small room is fun yeah I. mean it's look. maybe okay. Austin is like a husband who won't stop.

asking for anal sex. that's possibly true where you're like. something's wrong we're like we're like. what is going on with it like like every. time I talk to Joe and Tom they're like. come on man come on man let me just try. it let me just put the two pack that is. the craziest. like what is going on with it what is. going on with this guy that just keeps. running yeah bringing it up like [ __ ]. I'll let you do it when I want to do it.

right let me call you and say hey can I. get my earrings yeah yeah yeah yeah no. they I mean they seem to love it but. they love it and and listen Tom loves it. Tom's Tom would be happy in [ __ ]. anywhere in the world you can put time. or I've warmed up to it here's my. problem I Come From New York. it ruins you for life yeah when you grow. up well you were also there during the. ice storm. well but that I mean I remember your. yeah I remember that was my favorite was. your I don't know if it was your.

Instagram or your Twitter during the ice. storm yeah you're like oh good call Joe. yeah it was freezing but uh listen I. will say this coming from New York you. just get spoiled man yeah you it's all. kinds of different people it's really. cool it's everything you could want in a. place as a city you're just meeting all. kinds of interesting people all the time. yeah and food or whatever it's like. there is something I said when it coming. to La was a massive adjustment then I. just think going to Texas was a little. it was too much. you are doing you do I I'm envious of.

the way you do la yeah you do la right I. do it right you do it [ __ ] I do it. right I was telling someone the other. day I was telling my I don't know who I. was telling now that I say it but I was. like uh. he goes to like muso and Franks and Nobu. yes and the polo yeah Polo Lounge yeah. that's the way you're supposed to do it. that's right he rolls up thick yeah in a. 150 000 car yeah and [ __ ] with a with.

a with a Hawaiian shirt yeah shorts and. sneakers on yeah and and that's the way. you're supposed to do la I think he's. supposed to look like a big toddler. you're both you're supposed to like a. big Rich dumb toddler no respect yes. that's really if you're if you're not. doing la like that New York you're in. like boots and you're like cool and. you're downtown scarf out scarf La. you're supposed to look like you just. got out of a youth hostel yes like. you're out of a mental institution like. they can't tell if you're going into. into rehab or out of rehab I've sat next.

to the best restaurants in this city. I've sat next to somebody in a lime. green onesie who was like an adult I. love it yeah that's what I love about it. that's what I like about the West that's. what I've always strived for in the city. is to look ridiculous to look stupid and. be ridiculous I remember going to. restaurant when. um because once you start doing this. it's hard to go back I get up and I wear. ridiculous stuff and I walk around and. it's all fine I don't know if I could go. back to New York where I'm like I want. to look smart oh I couldn't feel I don't. I gotta lose weight if I want to go.

there I will grip both on both counts I. agree with you but to me I'm like. there's something fun about. dressing like like someone with a real. problem I went to a restaurant one time. when I was younger. and I said what's the dress code and the. guy said you can't wear a t-shirt. and flip-flops. and I said but that guy this is in La I. said but that guy's in the t-shirt and. flip-flops yeah and he goes yeah but he. didn't ask what the dress code was.

interesting that's great so wait what's. that mean for me and he goes you had to. ask so you're not allowed in right I was. like Wow get me to the place where I no. longer ask yeah I remember that was like. a game changer for me the way I looked. at things I was like yeah because I. don't I'm not really comfortable in a. lot of clothes yeah so I'm like I'm. really I'm I have tactile issues and so. and t-shirts and flip-flops and jeans. that's my that's what I wear every. single day yeah I can tell you the exact. jeans the exact t-shirt and my.

flip-flops that are available on uh. freewaters.com. but uh. that was like I remember looking at him. going like oh [ __ ]. okay so that's La yeah la is the place. where and look I'm sure Joe would hear. this and roll his eyes and be like [ __ ]. that guy [ __ ] La you know like right but. like I like that energy it's a fun. energy it's an interesting energy to. have in a city where you're allowed it I. also like my favorite thing about La is. that it's collapsing yeah and I'll tell. you oh it is collapsing it's collapsing. and I like that because it's exhausting.

to live in you know Hillary Clinton lost. because she had an air of inevitability. people hate that this idea that. something's gonna have to happen yes. it's exhausting yes so the Austin to me. a little bit and Charlotte I mean I'm. not Charlotte in Nashville and Miami all. these places when you go to them like I. lived in New York I live in the greatest. city in the world do you know what. a New Yorker would say to you if you. said [ __ ] this city sucks they turn. around and go you have no idea how much. it sucks yeah you let me tell you how. much it sucks for 10 minutes you don't.

even [ __ ] know we should it was the. greatest place in the world it's the the. best our country could do I was a tour. guide in New York City people from all. over the world went all over this. country and went this is truly. impressive LA's fine there's a few other. things Yellowstone's beautiful but as a. city yeah this is it and we would [ __ ]. on it we would sit on it New Yorkers. would [ __ ] on it there's something. exhausting about a place where people. all feel like they're all read the same. brochure oh yeah I don't like that. there's as a comic I love the the as a.

comedian yeah there's something about. ripping things apart that's attractive. to me not building them up we should get. Courtside Lakers tickets yes 100 and we. should be those guys and dressed like. Psychopaths dress like Psychopaths yes. when's basketball start this is how bad. of a [ __ ]. is basketball coming soon it's going on. right now oh [ __ ] time right now next. year next year you don't know you'll. never be I mean you have so you're so. many Road dates well let's let's you. slow down at all coming up like to you.

are you is there a period where you go. during the summer do you go like I take. a little bit no. no the the one the one the one uh. caveat I have is that fully loaded. um. Leanne Isla in Georgia will be on the. road with us that's great so there so. we'll all be a family on the road which. is awesome amazing there's catering. right there's [ __ ] gyms there's polar. plunges right we're Outdoors we're. indoors we can do everything we have two. days off in between we have Monday.

Tuesday off or Monday Tuesday Wednesday. off so we can hang out in different. cities right it's going to be great. fully loaded I'm telling you it's for me. yeah that's a cheat code for me yeah I. mean we don't we don't I don't take any. money from our door deal we put it all. back into the festival because then it's. like the only way this is successful is. if in 11 years we sell it to like. Budweiser right and she's like in order. to get there in 11 years you can't make. money right for the first [ __ ] ten. right you gotta make money on 11 where. everyone's like well this is inevitable. this is undeniable right.

um so that's the big thing for me is uh. I'll do that I'm already double booked. for the fall I'm literally I have three. projects I'm supposed to do and then I. have a tour lined up that we haven't. announced but I think I don't know. what's gonna happen for the fall. to watch it is amazing oh well to watch. your speed and pace is wild well I. appreciate it I I don't uh. you know what I feel like I've gotten to. a place where I. I don't know I I don't know I don't know.

how to respond to that because I go. thank you yeah I know that people I. would listen to a podcast today where. some guy was kind of [ __ ] on me Loki. [ __ ] on me like. all he does is work and I felt like. going like yeah but but you don't right. like I'm looking at your career this guy. thinks he shows up and he does one. podcast a week and maybe does a weekend. and then he's making something I go. buddy now you gotta step up your [ __ ]. game. yes like I don't want to name I'm not. gonna name the guy but I was like.

being good at comedy is not everything. no you got to do everything you gotta. [ __ ] hustle you gotta like you gotta. work you gotta work and and uh and I. just think that the only thing I am in. control of is working it's so funny I. used to [ __ ] on Kevin Hart for it yeah I. used to not even Loki I was [ __ ] on. Kevin Hartford because I was like. we all work hard and it's true anyone. listening to this right now is like. driving a truck to go dig a hole and. it's like trust me dig a hole it's hard.

[ __ ] work right but like I always. want to isolate the luck like I want to. find the luck in the thing that happens. for you so whether you're digging the. hole and then all of a sudden one day. guy's like hey man can you help me like. my dad I'll give him for example my dad. was a lawyer in Florida for a very long. time and the one uh one day a guy from. Miami called up and said hey I do this. thing it's kind of like. it's it's it's a little bit looked down. upon but I I do closings for homes as a. lawyer.

um normally like when you close on a. home there's a place like Chicago Title. that'll close on a home and they'll hire. a lawyer. and we'll get that lawyer fee what I do. is as a lawyer I just do the closing. myself and then I I get the closing fees. and then I I waive the lawyer fee. because I'm the lawyer I'm already there. but can you do that for me I've become a. couple coming up from Miami and my dad's. like yeah sure and he did it close on. their home for them and waived his. lawyer fee and then my dad was like oh. that's interesting it's really good. business like it's I mean yeah I'm not.

technically getting money as a lawyer. but I'm making money in this closing fee. and then my dad started doing that and. then my dad turned that into a business. and sold his business for a lump sum to. Chicago Title right but it was looked. down upon with by other Comics or other. uh lawyers lawyers because he wasn't he. wasn't in court he wasn't like fighting. cases. but I remember my dad made a good amount. of money after that and I remember.

looking at that little bit of luck that. one phone call if he hadn't answered the. phone all right and I'd look at that for. me all the time yeah and I wanted to. know what it was for Kevin Hart that's. the thing I would do a whole podcast on. luck just finding out the one thing. for me it was I'd written something. about the Louis CK stuff a lot of people. it was a fever pitch and I wrote. something about it and it was just. basically like Louie's a great comedian. you could think whatever but I mean. there were people saying oh and you know. what he wasn't that funny or when it was. stupid and I wrote it on Facebook and.

Ari shafir showed that to Joe Rogan who. messaged me on Instagram and said this. is really good this is really. brilliantly but and I said thanks Joe. thank you that was it oh and then he. messaged gangster [ __ ] move yeah. thanks a lot I really appreciate it he. messaged me again or I messaged him. again because he mentioned me on a show. and he said something nice I said thanks. for the mention really appreciate it he. goes let me know when you're in La we'll. do a podcast and then eventually we did. that was my Stroke of Luck. that was The Stroke of Luck that's the.

thing I mean that was the second stroke. of luck I think the first stroke of lock. was I was doing well in a comedy show in. Brooklyn Chris gethard was there he got. his manager to look at me who signed me. I ended up getting the Montreal Comedy. Festival I killed a dad I did really. well there I got an agent shout out to. Hillary who's angry at me because I. called her fat honey stop and. she was really good and I said to her. when I sat down at JFL in 2016 I said I.

want to be on the road I said put me on. the road I want to learn how to be a. comedian put me on the road all this. other [ __ ] the scripts to this that. that's all great and we'll do all that. too get me on the road 1500 seven shows. don't give a [ __ ] the next week or the. next month I was in San Antonio doing. seven shows for no money and I was like. let's keep this going and that was the. then I kept doing that up until. Joe allowed me to do his. podcast and it was you know we hit it. off and and I was you know I was really.

lucky there's luck there's luck and then. there's uh approaching luck like my luck. oddly enough. my luck is Tom. waiting on Charlie Murphy. interesting because Tom was doing a show. with Joe and Charlie Murphy Charlie. Murphy is like yo let's go to dinner. Tom's like all right and Charlie Murphy. was taking a while he was a little late. yeah and Joe was standing there and or. Thomas sitting there and Joe walked past. him and was like Hey man you're really. funny Tom's like oh thanks and. I think Tom explains it better but he.

was like I just was gonna just leave but. I just I was waiting right and he's like. I don't even think we went to dinner. that night but he waited and he met Joe. and then I honestly think because I was. good friends with Tom at the time. when uh when Ari and Tom were in the car. and Joe had heard the uh Tracy Morgan. story he was like God man that's a great. story and they're like oh that's birth. story. and then he's like who's Bert and Todd. not been in the car you know Ari's not. yeah a very effective human in moments.

right like he's not the guy that like. he's not messing people up yeah he's. usually just high in the back just like. kind of like I remember Ari one time was. like Hey man someone was telling one of. your stories on stage I go who and he. goes I don't know. what did you say and he's like nothing. yeah like why didn't you say something. and he was like I don't know right so. like but like I look at that because. through that then Joe messaged me and. Joe's I mean Joe's a lot of our luck. he's a huge amount of luck for all of us. I mean it you could you could ale you. could isolate.

almost everyone's luck and connected. there should be a thing yeah Six Degrees. of Joe Rogan yeah I mean oh that was my. big time luck like 100 because I I had I. had that was the biggest platform I'd. ever been asked to be on and you were so. [ __ ] perfectly well we I love the guy. like we we became really good friends. and like he's a really fun guy to talk. to and like me and him were being funny. and like we liked a lot of the same. we're interested in a lot of the same. [ __ ] you guys are dialed into a lot of.

the same [ __ ] we dialed into it I don't. have a lot of the same interests as he. has you you're they're different. interests probably no they're not I. don't even know if we have any interest. or just stand-up comedy I mean honestly. I go like I don't know harambe I don't. know like right like I don't know that I. don't know uh anything political right I. don't know anything about uh. psychedelics or space right Jiu Jitsu. like I wonder why he likes me. I think he likes you because you're he. loves comedians he loves comedy and he. loves people that build stuff and you.

built something and I think that's. probably why. he respects that like I didn't know who. I didn't know who Alex Jones was until. way too far that's funny like I remember. one time I walked into the I walked into. the Green Room of the store yeah. someone's like hey bird when are you. gonna have Alex Jones on and I was like. [ __ ] never right right and it was. Alex Jones. and I was like I didn't even know who he. was.

by the way I could never have a mom. because you know I would just green. light everything yeah you go that sounds. great I would green light everything. he's a fascinating guy he's I I him and. Donald Trump and Caitlyn Jenner are my. three Caitlyn Jenner's a gangster. they're my American meaning they're the. most American lives of all time in my. opinion in this era dude Alex Jones you. can't who are your three Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn Jenner and Donald Trump the most. American like because if you look at all. of their lives you go this doesn't. really work in another country like a.

specifically American country like a. Gold Medal decathlete winner marries a. momager of the most successful family of. of of Instagram thoughts that's ever. lived father got OJ acquitted OJ. acquitted that's a movie it's a movie. it's not real it's crazy that's crazy. it's crazy then if you look at like. Trump this guy who was a a wrestling. heel and a gay show host on television a. reality star ends up becoming the.

president of the United States as a gag. as like a bit Yeah that's the most. that's another movie and then the third. movie is a guy like Alex Jones who. started out in Austin yelling at cops. because he thought the Dewey checkpoints. were unconstitutional ends up somehow. you're becoming an enemy he's been an. enemy and an ally of everyone on every. side at one point yeah he hated the. bushes and then you know and the right. wing hated him when I grew up they hated.

him and now they like him because he was. friendly with Trump but like he was this. guy that threw out his career. became his own one-man Media Company. it's in the only country and and then. had it all like kind of now he owes a. billion dollars because yeah well how's. he who knows I don't think it's I mean I. don't think they're gonna get they're. not gonna he doesn't have it for them to. get so it's what happens like I don't. even know I don't either a child I am I. don't even know what happens to his life.

I mean there's his cars he has to give. him a lot of things and then I guess. they there's a certain amount of money. he's allowed to earn and then they take. all the rest I imagine that's how. judgments work but of those three people. I go could that have happened in Sweden. like none of those people's lives are. possible in any other country except. America like you look at the British. people and it's like so the Royals but. if you're outside of the Royals there's. no it's not you know I would have loved. have been a royal oh God it would have.

been amazing that's why Meghan Markle we. knew she was kind of full of [ __ ] do you. remember brand new you called me yeah. yeah you called me and I was like this. is [ __ ] Meghan Markle the my. favorite Royals Prince Philip. interesting yeah quiet dignity oh a. quiet dignity Prince Philip he lived. Bachelor parties Princess Beatrice which. one's that get up Princess Beatrice. she's a little she's a fun she would be. fully loaded.

if there's somebody had fully loaded. it's her no who is she she's she's no. model but she is she likes to throw a. few back. Beatrice likes she's a little scary up. front whoa but I mean she likes to throw. a few back and she always looks a little. I mean I'm assuming she'll never hear. this but what the [ __ ] well they're. inbred yeah. but this shows let me see the I love.

that they just post the bad pictures up. front no I want to see the top one where. she looks like she's [ __ ] Skeletor. up at the top right top right top right. top right there one that one oh it's. scary what the [ __ ] terrifying. now go to princess Eugenia. this is hers Eugenia is a little better. Eugenie she's a little better and who. are they related to uh there's Eugene. who knows they're I don't know their. he's better she's better.

thin bread simbredi it is it is. the uh no no no doubt did you watch the. crown a little bit of it I couldn't get. up there but I loved it you know I only. like I only watch for Princess Prince. Philip I gotta try it again he was the. best he would just go to an island and. be like bring out the light-skinned ones. I'll [ __ ] them first amazing and then. they'd be laying around with just. indigenous people and they're like. Prince Philip we got an SOS. your your something died and you'd be.

like damn it oh. kill the ones I came in let's go yeah he. really you know you but you've created a. way to kind of Be An American Royal in. your own way oh kind of please think. about it please I love when you pitch me. yeah do you remember one time I was. telling you I was up in panic attacks. and you go why. it's the best it's ever gonna be today. you're making more money than you've. ever made you're selling more tickets no. one told you you had to quit drinking.

your family's alive it never gets better. than today and I went you changed my. [ __ ] mind no it was it because it's. me I'm being a royal here's why I think. you are a royal you Traverse the country. with a Cavalry you have your own meat. like this is the way Royals used to do. it you travel around with your own you. know Cavalry you have a chariot that you. own your own Chariot okay all right I'm. Prince Philip you are received when you.

go to a place you're received by adoring. masses I am Prince Philip and you do. this all while enjoying the spoils of a. glass of wine. cocktail or a feast. this is you can drink whatever I want I. gotta put on fancy clothes at the end of. the night if you describe Describe the. life of a royal to someone who had been. on the planet a few minutes and you. described your life they would go oh. he's a royal he comes into town with the.

Cavalry the adoring masses are there he. will Feast he will drink. God damn it Tim you're good I mean. that's the truth you've figured out a. way to be an American Royal now it's. because America and Americans have a. fifth grade reading level. but your kid now. I'm kingro you're King Ralph prayer. Crusher you are one of the it's amazing. to see you what you've done your insane.

I where can people buy these tickets. uh uh fully loaded. is the festival that starts his fall I. don't know when this comes out I only. have one weekend left it's next weekend. and I think they're all sold out effort. tops off The Machine movie is out. Memorial Day Weekend go to the machine. dot movie we've set it up so that we can. pre-buy tickets for a live in theater. event that'll stream directly into the. theaters from the red carpet I hope. you'll be at the Red Carpet I'd love to.

be at the Red Carpet I would love to be. then then everyone go get your tickets. for that Thursday show we're doing a. Premiere Thursday and uh and we will be. streaming from the red carpet I don't. know I don't know what capacity it'll be. but I think what we'll do is we'll have. everyone that is coming stream right. into the movie theaters for the first. baby hour yeah uh go to the. machine.movie uh like I said fully. loaded the cruise is sold out uh tickets. are available we start in Forest Hills. we got Tiffany Addis Lewis Black.

um amazing yeah and it's it's the Rupp. Arena uh Little Caesars oh that's me. this weekend yeah those are all done. and then uh yeah I mean amazing you've. just I mean it's like I've been on the. road a lot you've been on the road a ton. more than me but it's like it is. interesting it is an interesting we see. more of the country than most people. will I and I I mean dude the Most. Blessed I ever was was during the. pandemic yeah they would go out in the. country during the pandemic and see what. the world was like that's right gives. you a little bit different the most. intense thing I ever did was the Alex.

Jones podcast with Joe a week before the. election during the pandemic in Austin. wow so Austin whether I hate it or love. it it's a huge part of my life oh it's a. huge part of my life I'm there literally. once a month it's a huge part of my life. I know I mean I know Austin I I would. argue better than Tom yeah because he. says they're as much as it's like in. Iceland half the time dude I'll reach. out to nadav I'm like can I podcast with. them he's like he's in Reykjavik I'm. like what was he doing ironing out an. agreement he [ __ ] he's dead inside. the uh well you know what that could be.

said for many of us yeah we better keep. Dancing Keep dancing because we better. keep it you know there was a great it. was a great there's a great quote. there's black jazz musician older guy. and there was this young Jazz kid white. kid and he comes into uh. it's jazz club in New York City called. Smalls famous jazz club and the young. white kids like really enthusiastic and. everything and he's talking about like. how he's going to do this and that and. this that and the other thing man and. the black the black guy just laughed and. he goes and then he goes what are you.

laughing at and he goes you better love. the music. you know he just laughs because you. better love the music because it's all. this other [ __ ] the kid was saying was. just like ancillary and like he was just. like you better love the music man he. goes and the kid goes oh interesting and. then I talked to that guy later and he's. like I fully understood what he meant a. few years later like at the end of the. day it's not really about the money it's. not about this clout it's not about any. of the [ __ ] it's literally about do. you love the music Do You Love.

putting out stuff that people laugh at. and whether you do it on the Internet or. whether you do it on stage or whether. you do it wherever you do it do you love. that and you have to love it because if. you're doing it for anything else all. those other things will fade away but if. you love what you're actually doing. you'll do it forever the feeling. I wish I could give this I was I was. saying this about. chefs the other day I love making food. for people right I love it I love I love. making people happy I love that's what I.

love about stand up is right when I make. people laugh it makes me feel good like. I go I'm giving I'm I'm it's like. feeding them there's a similar feeling. but the thing I love more than anything. is the moment you figure it out not. the the not the time you kill with the. bit it's the time where you say it a. little off but you figure it out the. before you kill with the [ __ ] that's. right so like the time where you go oh.

[ __ ] if I say this different next show. it's gonna murder that moment for me is. everything I love about stand up that. moment and I look for that that moment. the only example I can give is is the. first time I I didn't have an end to the. machine and I said uh I said um. she opens door you come with us he spits. vodka in her face and uh looks at me and. goes. and the first time I went he looks at me. and goes [ __ ] that [ __ ] this is Russia.

that moment where I went I have an end. of the story now that moment is the. grass the music for me is like I wanted. you to do that that I wanted to hear at. the end I wanted you to do some version. of like [ __ ] this is Texas [ __ ] this. [ __ ] this is awesome yeah this is. Austin and then the whole the whole. place would have completely but the. other part is like and look I don't know. no one will get to know what you may. enjoy that rant about me being a royal. yeah but you'll never enjoy it as much. as the guy sitting across from the guy. right who did it yeah and that's the.

beauty of Comedy it's like I get to hang. out I said the silly end of the day. my friends are literally the funniest. human beings in the world yeah in the. world I can call up I can call up the. funniest people in the world except for. a couple I think they hate me but I can. call up the funniest people in the world. and. and laugh at any moment about anything. I'm on a text thread I'm on a text. thread with big J Dan Soder Ari shaffir.

salvokano Nate bargatzi and. two other people two other comics and. the chapter it's called [ __ ] and all. we've said to each other is we're not. there yet I'm not there yet I'm on my. way. and it's we don't remember where the. threat is from that's so fun and today. Ari goes I'm on my way he's just on the. way here he goes I'm on my way and I. said I'm five minutes out and soda wrote. I don't think I'm gonna make it ah it's. so funny grown-ups don't do that now we.

get to live these crazy lives like I. think that's a huge yeah where you have. I've they're all adults they're all. adults with health insurance and life. insurance right and they're and we're. all continually texting about some where. we'll never go that's right and like. it's the [ __ ] best and I'm drinking. rose on a [ __ ] Monday in Beverly. Hills Beverly Hills it does life get. better it doesn't get better I killed. the ones I came in Kill the ones he came. in Brooke Chrysler fully loaded go get. tickets he's. he's doing it forever I love you brother.

all right love you too thank you.