#295 - A Serene Retreat | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim. dillon show we apologize for not doing. an episode last week. for easter but and i hate again i'm not. blaming ben i don't put it on ben but. ben does a thing every year with his. family. where they do like a recreation. of uh. easter where. they do they recreate the resurrection. of christ. and it was ben's turn this year to kind. of go down and be christ and his mother.

said even though you work. for jews i want you to come down. she thinks i'm jewish the woman thinks. i'm jewish just because i have um i have. a mortgage. and she said you just have to. you have to play jesus this year. and they do a whole thing in the yard. and they speak in tongues. and they have like it's they don't have. the money to really. recreate a cave so ben just emerges from. a shed in the back of the yard and they. start chanting and so we didn't want to.

ruin that because it's a family ritual. and you know i'm not close with my. family so i can't really judge other. people that are you know so when ben you. know and i've known of this and he's. talked to me about it. and uh. he said i have to go down it's it's my. uh chance to be jesus now last year his. sister was gonna be jesus she fell. asleep in the shed because she was drunk. and people's faith was literally being. tested they're banging on the shed get.

up you drunk get up you [ __ ]. she forgot she was even in an easter. pageant or whatever you want to call. this so she grabs a gun and runs out of. the shed firing wildly. they wanted to avoid that this year. by having ben go back. sleepy little ben. with his little leather boots he wears. now because he's paid. and they wanted little leather boot ben. to walk out calmly and serenely out of.

the shad pretending to be jesus so they. could all chant. uh and then eat peanut butter and jelly. sandwiches or whatever they eat it. doesn't matter. uh so that's why we didn't have an. episode if you want to know the truth. that's the fact. we're here in austin texas which has had. two days of sun in the last 20 days. and we'll have three days of sun in the. next 15 days this is the climate. um. and everyone here that you talk to of. course. has stockholm syndrome and before you. even bring it up.

they go yeah it's never rain this much. it's never rain before and and it's just. i've now been here on and off. for uh over a year and all it does is. rain all it does is rain. um. and you know so we're thinking i got a. house here. i don't know what i'm gonna do with it. and. i've been a little depressed because i. you know we we finished it. me and ben like the property brothers.

did a really good job ben don't you. think we did a great job i think we did. an amazing job we did an amazing job. renovating this home we did a kitchen a. bathroom did the living room we chose. all of the finishes we excelled. at. at uh home renovation it was kind of. like now obviously we're not gonna flip. it. because you know. you know you gotta wait right the. market's not great rates are going up. um. and there's nothing for us to do.

uh here at the moment joe rogan is. opening a comedy club. that's. that'll be fun when that happens but. nothing is happening tomorrow. and. i don't know what i'm gonna do i'm not. gonna live here really i mean i'm on the. road a lot. but. i think. and this is probably the best. outcome. for this. we are going to.

open up. an airbnb. for pigs. [Laughter]. the type of people. that visit austin texas pig women. that want to get drunk. and get stuffed with pulled pork or a. half flaccid [ __ ] in the backyard of my. [ __ ] house. we're gonna get one of those barrel hot. tubs.

put it in the back. we're gonna get a few of those live. laugh love signs and you know. like you know i love eating good or. whatever the hell we'll put it on the. kitchen like or just a big sign that. says eat. [Laughter]. and these women are gonna flock here uh. for their bachelorette parties. because it's 20 minutes from the [ __ ]. wineries of texas. where if you like drinking vinegar.

uh and the worst wine ever you can go to. the [ __ ] wine tour. of the texas hill country and many. piglets. who are about to get married come and. say let's do one last week out of. freedom and you know what freedom means. brisket nachos that's what freedom means. to the ladies brisket nachos does it. mean freedom to be an entrepreneur. it means freedom to shove your mouth. full of queso. and drink and fall down in the yard and.

we are going to provide them that. opportunity we are going all in we might. do a thing. where like you bob for apples in the. fall and they can take their fat drunk. faces and dunk them in the tank how. about a dunk tank where you throw. something and then if you hit the target. they fall into the water i got a i got a. pool. it's perfect i mean it's a perfect. because i i can't sell.

so and we've improved the property is. there any flaw in my logic here there is. a steady stream of disgusting. humanoids that come down here to live. out some fantasy they go into austin. they blow coke up their nose they give. their valves a real [ __ ] run for the. money they go down there they [ __ ]. listen to some heroin addicts scream at. the top of his lungs while he clumsily. plays a guitar with hands better suited.

to hitting his wife. why not provide them a place of peace. and tranquility two acres three bedrooms. three baths newly renovated big fridge. guest house. guest house gonna be renovated one. bedroom one bath 750 square foot guest. house 2300 square foot main house two. acres of texas hill country greenery. pool.

that's right. get [ __ ] up drink some hard cider and. get in that pool piglet it's worth the. money. that's what we're gonna do now i've been. kicked off airbnb so we're gonna have to. do it. maybe in my fat assistant's name. who and she will know what these women. want. she will know what these beasts want. what do these beasts want.

she'll know. she'll get it she'll immediately be able. to she's a consultant will make her a. consultant where she can come in and. tell me. here is what the modern pig wants. when she's on her bachelorette party. this is what she needs. she needs uh i think we gotta make it. fun for them. there needs to be more activities in the. backyard you know. more like carnival games for them.

what about like a big tic-tac-toe. you know something like that because. they are beasts and they are of limited. uh you know obviously they're completely. uncultured and uh their their mental. capacity is shall we say diminished that. being said they would like simple games. for them to play right games that fat. women could excel at. like like something that fat women. really like to do now the kitchen is not.

that big. this is a problem so we're going to. imagine that there's not going to be a. ton of cooking done right so we got to. make sure that like there's ample. opportunity for them to store things. they will later eat. because they're not going to be i mean. these are not the types of women that go. in and go like let's cook some salmon. right they don't do that these are the. types of women i mean listen and i'm not.

even trying to be disrespectful. is it completely inappropriate to have a. trough. to have a trough. where these pig women. can get on their knees give them knee. pads we don't want them sky their knees. are ready work hard give them knee pads. they can get on their knees. and put their faces in the trough. because you remember it's one weekend. before they get married and change this. behavior completely you see because.

after they get married they're gonna you. know they're gonna get on the peloton. and start reading books but just give. them one more weekend of fat [ __ ]. pleasure. one more weekend. and they all want to meet guys you know. they want to they want to have a nice. story maybe not the bride let's hope. she's classy enough to keep a [ __ ] out. of her mouth a couple of nights before. she gets married right but maybe not but. her fat friends are gonna want some. freshmen at ut. to [ __ ] pork them or something which. i completely relate to.

and. they're gonna want. but i'm i'm rich and have a little bit. of fame so sometimes that comes a bit. easier to me but they're going to do. what they're going to do right they're. going to get drunk at around 3 a.m. they're going to find some guy to bar. and rape them because it is socially. acceptable and it's getting back and he. he's not gonna care it's gonna be fun. for him and it's a story. and so what and i'm just we're driving. around now we're looking at all these. deer there's so many [ __ ] deer um. and these piglets are one they're gonna. want to get [ __ ] and my only issue.

with doing the airbnb is that the. cleaning crew. that i'm gonna have to employ is gonna. be like the same people who cleaned up. gitmo after the torture. you know like after the torture sessions. when they came in to like wipe the sweat. and blood off the floor. they're gonna i'm gonna have to hire the. same people to come in here after one of. these pinatas was blown up. by some old drunk dad who she kidnapped. at 3 a.m in austin and drove him 25.

minutes to my patch of dirt in. hicksville who cares nowhere vil. i'm just saying ben am i wrong about any. of this or is this the direction i. should head in the activities you're on. point they would love a big. board in the backyard that's right like. they have on cruise ships because you. don't move much with that that's right. you have a chocolate fountain that they. could fill up with you set when they. walk in they see the chocolate fountain. and then the chocolate they they can. melt next to it with marshmallows if. if we get a chocolate fountain.

for these manatees. [Laughter]. i am telling i'll quit co i will make. enough money that i will never. have to work again now let me ask you a. question i didn't where would you buy a. chocolate fountain. oh you mean like a little one yes they. sell them yes that you plug in i think. we need the types of ones they use at. catering halls like the big ones. no i think i have to spend 10 grand.

because we're talking five to six. beasts. i'm i'm talking about a chevy suburban. that's tight. a chevy suburban that rides like a prius. skin to skin. those women are gonna get out they're. gonna see it they're gonna go oh my god. it's beautiful. their voices are deep it's beautiful. cara. we're so happy you're getting married.

so here's what goes on tomorrow we have. the wine. tonight we eat. [Laughter]. i've yelped four of the best barbecue. restaurants in town i say each one of us. maybe we should do a scavenger hunt. should we do a scavenger hunt for them. they're like things like that and we. could just leave. you know. you know like uh. parts of a cow around the yard.

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queens.com tim dillon i've already. started this and it's amazing how does. it work for you. everyone loves it. athleticgreens.com tim dillon that's. athleticqueens.com tim dillon. i've stayed enough airbnb's and you know. airbnb is really taking a chunk out of. the business of hotels now because me. and my opener the funny sam talent who. you should follow we've been staying at. a lot of. uh you know we've done some nicer hotels. on this leg of the trip you know because. it's over the the tour is ending.

um. and we've stayed at a few ritz carltons. and. ritz carlton. has given up completely like when i was. growing up it was the hotel. and. now. they just they just want to build like. residences where people live. and they don't care about the hotels. anymore but they're still banging you. out. over a thousand bucks a night. to stay there and now the ritz is owned. by marriott the saint regis. was also just bought by marriott.

so now every. [ __ ]. like high-end hotel chain. in america. is slowly. becoming a marriott. so why not. you know people are opting for more. privacy they're going [ __ ] it let's just. do an airbnb. because you know nobody's doing anything. good at these hotels anymore the room. service is [ __ ]. i mean it's it's sad to watch these i. mean i like marriotts when i was a kid.

because there was a novelty. to leaving your home and staying over. somewhere else and getting the room. service and but now. you know. these hotels are becoming methadone. clinics you know you have all these. tattooed fat people. wandering around not even classy fat. people like myself like pink fat. cherubic people i'm talking about like. disgusting working class tattooed prison. chefs really just wandering around these.

properties it's grotesque but that's. what i will be creating a perfect. private serene oasis for wayward women. that are looking to have one last couple. of nights afraid now did your wife have. a bachelorette party she did yes where. did she go she she did the classic they. did the wine they do it they go to a. winery one night see your wife is a. classy broad but let's be honest some of. her friends is that's not the case. now you don't have to comment it just is.

what it is. your wife's a classy broad but i get it. when you have friends. that want a certain thing you go do that. because they're planning it right of. course they're gonna they're gonna plan. it and where do you go you go to the. texas wineries because that's what texas. is known for wine. going and drinking wine. that's what texas is known for. getting a nice [ __ ] bordeaux. so what uh what region is this wine from.

tuscola. this is red from abilene. yeah it makes a lot of sense but i mean. anyway. sam you could drive us other places. sam is is driving us in the car because. we can't do it in the house because. there's too much account we're nowhere. near a studio we'll be back in the. studio when the tour ends. uh in australia i know i've said for two. years the tourist ending i'm like share. doing the farewell tour next week i'm. gonna upload on instagram i'm gonna be.

like. tickets on sale tokyo seoul kuala lumpur. okinawa no we're done we're done there's. nothing left to do or say um. and we gotta we gotta we gotta do an. airbnb here i mean there's there's. nothing. and and i think. you know what really attracts these. people to a property they like nature or. they think they do. and they like the idea of like creating. memories and taking photos right isn't. this what they want to do when they go.

somewhere they want to do like they want. instagramable moments. right yeah when they walk in they want. to see a couple of disposable cameras. that are included with their airbnb. package right is that true oh yeah. really they love stuff like that because. that's old school that's like 90s 2000s. like you know the click click click the. the wind-up stuff they love that uh you. could even what if i gave them a can of. creamed corn. [Laughter].

cause they're disgusting. that's why that's funny they're. literally disgusting. i'm telling right now they should run. the other way from the camera they. should see a camera and look at it like. a jew in the 40s or a train these women. need to be nowhere near a camera. okay so what do they want they want uh. cameras when they walk in mm-hmm yeah. god forbid they're not recorded and they. probably want a uh like a mural that you. have set up on the property somewhere. because you have so much acreage that.

they can take photos under especially if. they're gonna do uh like any. bachelorette photos types of types of. deals what if we marketed this to like. real pigs like if we were like. this ain't your mammy's airbnb like. we want you guys to have real fun here. get dirty. fill a kiddie pool with spaghettios and. finger [ __ ] each other. you only get married once or four or. five times. and you know we're gonna get second.

weddings too. oh we're not just gonna get the first. wedding we're gonna get the girl she's. 34 and she's trying it again. she's trying it again she's got a high. school aged kid who's been to juvie. multiple times. but this time it's gonna work because. she's married a man 40 years her senior. who's 70 years old but he's spry. and he's got a lot of money and by that. i mean 300 000.

including assets and she just wants a. place to smoke weed. and get so high she dreams she's dead. let's have her come to my home. come to my home. come to my home and pretend your life. isn't real. come to my home. see friends you haven't seen for a while. and bond the only way you know how. drinking bottles of alcohol and.

recalling the times you molested each. other. do it at my house come to my house. it's open the doors are open for you. to come to my. home i want you there in the backyard. bare foot. and we'll get some pregnant brides too. don't think we're not gonna get some. preggo brides and don't think if that. baby's formed they're gonna knock back a. few.

i used to do coke with a woman named. michelle and she did coke nine months. pregnant she said don't worry it's. already formed. it's true i used to do coke with a. pregnant woman when i was 13 years old. with my friend shay she lived in. oceanside long island. and she was pregnant and she would do. lines of coke because she said i'm nine. months pregnant the baby is already. formed and she might have been right. because i agreed i said hey whatever.

so if those that's the type of people i. want. renting my airbnb. people that are nine months pregnant. who will do a line of cocaine. because the baby inside of them is. already formed. how do we market it to them. the man who gave her the baby was. serving at three to five. he got out he was great they were fun.

they were fun people. uh and we used to sit in their apartment. and do cocaine and it was not a nice. apartment but cocaine can make things. livable and then i would go home in my. bed and jerk off and lay there and wish. i was dead because coming down from coke. is horrible but you just jerk off and. stare at the ceiling how do we market my. airbnb to this caliber of human being. because you know they're gonna. masturbate let's imagine these these. women are not gonna get ass probably.

maybe they will i'm hoping they do but. not everybody's gonna score it's only. human nature so i want these women just. as jessica kierson says going at. themselves like blasting she has a great. joke she goes blasting ac dc and going. at themselves with a jackhammer. that's the type of women i want. in my airbnb. this isn't an airbnb for like the like. you know. hot chick and her friends this is an. airbnb.

for. a woman who. the bride. is. too hunch. and she's lost 30. [Laughter]. just to get married. [Laughter]. and her friends are like you look great. donna you look great and she's like. thank you. i've just been working so hard but this. weekend i'm gonna let loose because it's. a cheat weekend it's a and dude we got. it all what do we got in the area we got.

sonic taco bell mcdonald's dairy queen. we got uh tcby we got schlotzki's. chickeny yeah chicken king right chicken. express people chicken. oh we got water bro oh you know they're. getting what whataburger. oh. you know these they're gonna get so. [ __ ] up. and they're just gonna go that's got a. water bag and you know one of them is. gonna be like white knuckling sobriety. because i have a dead they'll have a dd.

they'll have one woman who got fired. from her job as a secretary for stealing. and. and she'll be in her third month of. sobriety and they'll be like are you. sure you can handle it denise and she'll. be like absolutely anything for you. girls i'm totally good i'm totally good. now she'll be crushing adderall in the. bathrooms but who cares she's going to. drive them to whataburger and man. they're going to go to town they're. going to go to [ __ ] towns they're. going to be as soon as they get to. whataburger it's like ukrainians across. the polish border it's.

you're in the clear. they're gonna eat like they've never. eaten before and then ben you brought up. a good point we got to give them games. to play tic-tac-toe shuffleboard maybe. twisters fun but then they would hurt. themselves. horseshoes they like horseshoes. because a lot of those uh types of women. you're talking about they do the little. uh skirt the little dress and then they. do cowboy boots that's the move and the. boots goes up. a flowery dress and boots and scarred up. legs.

scarred up legs from just the things. that bite you in the night. [Laughter]. and you know the husband is like uh. just some he's either there's two types. of husband. for these women right. lanky. meth out smells like gasoline. decent [ __ ]. decent [ __ ] a guy who's perpetually in a. state of getting it together and or. figuring it out.

she will repeat those lines at nauseum. to her friends while not making eye. contact. he is getting it together or he is. figuring it out. the second type of guy will be me. fat and. gay. very gay who loves the feeling of a [ __ ]. hitting the back of his throat but feels. for whatever reason perhaps you know. he's inheriting a townhouse somewhere. worth eight.

thousand dollars. uh he's gonna have to marry this big. pork chop because he can. he can think of men while he plunges his. penis into the vast chasm that is her. vagina and he will give her a child and. this child will be raised and it will be. stuffed like a turkey every day full of. chemicals and gmos and food he will be. her eating partner oh. mommy's being naughty again and she will.

say that the child wants chicken nuggets. but damn well we know who really wants. nuggets and it's mommy. so he's just giving her a dog on two. legs that she can walk and drive. to food. uh places. and he will so there's two types of men. that she's marrying a guy who's gay. uh or a lanky guy who's probably. cheating on her. [ __ ] strippers. smells of gasoline.

definitely lost a few months of his life. to queue. but. can put on a collared shirt and seem. like he could potentially. work his way up to management at. enterprise rent-a-car. like he feels like he could one day. possess the responsibility. to say it's in uh spot number eight. [Laughter]. thanks a lot we'll see you on thursday. before 12 p.m.

now he's not ready for that yet in fact. he's months if not years away from that. but he possesses the ability to perhaps. eventually someday. work in management in a managerial. position at a car rental place. somewhere in a suburb outside of. jacksonville florida. so that's one of the guys put the uh. wipers on here so this gets brutal here. people just kill each other here. because they want to die. i mean ben that's the only that's the.

only way this is ever so back to your. question about the marketing angle. behind it there's there's one big thing. you're gonna have to i think buy to. really sell this because on the airbnb. app there's going to be that one photo. that hooks them in right and i think you. need to get a windmill that you put in. the backyard or the front yard that we. have a picture of with the house in the. background they go crazy over windmills. for whatever reason because they like. wind because it cools them down. [Laughter].

to be fat in this country is to be in a. consistent state of having your sweat. frozen in a chili's by a very powerful. air conditioner. to be one of these women is to be. consistently. getting your sweat. frozen on your body. while in a very cold themed restaurant. while you suck back a margarita. that is the experience of being one of. these women and then you shuffle back to. your desk.

at your job. where you do some type of medical. billing data entry fill in the blank. you dream. of pete davidson. or whoever the heartthrob of the moment. is or harry styles you dream of one day. harry styles with his perfectly pre pink. british [ __ ] climbing in your window. like peter pan and [ __ ] your fat corp. senseless. while you. while you enter information and then.

call up someone who owes money for an. angiogram. but it's okay because come the weekend. you're gonna go to tim dillon's pig fest. you're gonna get five of your friends. and you're gonna go to the texas hill. country. and you're gonna drink wine. and let's just say you won't be counting. calories this weekend i'm gonna be. naughty this week and they'll say. let's get a few appetizers they'll say.

let's get a few desserts so we can try. everything they'll say. but you know what they'll mean. and as those plates hit the table with. that [ __ ] stewed red onion that these. people consider culture when those tacos. hit the table and maybe some of them are. shrimp. oh we're being healthy. and then they have a chipotle or a lime. crema they're gonna go oh my god it's so. good. jackie thank you so much this is so much.

fun we needed this i needed this i. needed that. how about this. i'm not even kidding whole fridge full. of choco tacos. hey ladies. we have brought the ice cream truck to. you. can't sleep don't worry about it have a. caramel apple empanada. need something to do while you're taking. this [ __ ] we got a good humor bar. what about an entire fridge stuffed and.

i'm gonna be kidding here. stuffed with your favorite good humor. treats from when you first became fat. and developed unhealthy eating habits. and then never change them. i just i'm thinking this is the only way. to do it i can't live here it's a swamp. it's a hell. i can't do it. hair is so important so many people are. experiencing hair loss and the only way. to really effectively combat hair loss.

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this podcast is sponsored by better help. and tim dylan show listeners get 10 off. their first month at betterhelp.com tim. d that's b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p. dot com slash tim d. my only question tim is do you also try. to include. do you advertise this to fat men as well. or is it just the just fat women yes fat. men but here's the thing with fat men. okay. fat men. a bachelorette party with fat man what. do they do they go to a strip club and.

i've told this story before but like. we went my friend mike morris's uncle or. something i was getting married went to. some strip club there's really fat guy. in the limo and he's like well not good. in there i'm gonna be full these girls. are gonna be all over me he's a big fat. guy he fell asleep. in the limo we just went to the strip. club and we came out two hours later he. was still sleeping and then we just. dropped him off and he didn't even know. what happened. so. fat men i just don't think fat men. are the market like.

they're just not the market. they're just not the market i i think. you got to go with because fat men. aren't trying to make a thing of it. they're not trying to make a thing of it. right. bachelor parties i don't know it's like. it's is it an airbnb thing for men i'm. sure it is but. i don't know what they do right. i went to one of my comic friends. bachelor parties you know the you know. uh. a friend of mine we went to like this. casino in atlantic city and this guy was.

in the comic books and we all just lost. some money at gambling and went to the. buffet i mean it was sad right. women really want to make a night of it. guys do like booze cruises and stuff. what did you your bachelor party we. talked about it on the show you just got. together with some guys that smoked. cigars yeah yeah some guys were smoking. like gas station vape pins and we were. just like smoking cigarettes yeah yeah. sorry i missed that but. i apologize. i don't know where i was probably. working to keep the operation running.

anyway um. but i i think it's really should be. marketed to women. it should be marketed to women who want. to have a fun weekend in the texas hill. country because it's affordable and it. provides them all of the things that. they need which is donuts. [ __ ] wine that tastes like balsamic. vinegar. and they can just slug it down and hope. to god that their lives are different. when they because everybody's looking. for like the weekend of a lifetime.

and we got an urgent care a few blocks. away. just in case somebody saws a foot. cause there's gonna be injuries. they're gonna bleed. you know what i mean there's gonna be. injuries they're gonna get a little too. excited on the pool deck. somebody's gonna fall and injure. themselves now thankfully they're. padded most of these women are are. insulated. that being said i mean i think then. that's the only thing to do now. who. now i can't i now here's a dumb question.

i can't. go on airbnb as a. host right i don't think no i don't. think so i don't think that's how that. works. uh but we can absolutely do it under a. company name i think no problem no. questions asked. really easy i mean why don't we just. literally call it like. fat [ __ ] weekend. and like blast lizzo. i mean let's mark it let's market it to. the fat baby that should be the headline. and they slide through photos of like. candy and jars the fridge full of treats.

pictures of deer a windmill a cold pool. maybe an umbrella. tiki bar there's something about. this that excites me because i think i. can really market. to these people. and i've seen them i've seen them arrive. here. uh you know i've seen them walk down the. street in downtown austin. you know in nashville at least they have. that bicycle thing that they peddle what. is that called.

uh i'm not sure but they have they have. them in austin too but they're more. popular in nashville i haven't seen them. in austin because no one can pedal. it's a pedal bar but no one can really. pedal so i've just seen these people. um these slumbering herds of cattle. that's one of our titles of one of our. episodes from years ago but i've seen. them you know these these uh you know. this uh. these like genetically altered farm. animals just ambling down the street.

from one and you know that you can. always tell like a really fat one's like. what about this bar and she doesn't even. want to go there it's just the closest. one yeah. they're like the one we want to go just. down there she goes but this one looks. fine. and it's like katie you're just. 150 pounds overweight. and you have a rash and you can't move. we don't want to go into this one. because it has a fish tank. but this is why austin is such a. uniquely horrible place.

it's like disney world there's no worse. place. than a place that's dedicated solely to. making these memories. except the place is never worth it like. the place is never like people go to new. york to do that or paris or london. but those places can actually provide. some of the materials that you would. need to make a memory. because none of those cities are. distinctly. set up for you to make a memory.

they just exist in a memorable fashion. but places like nashville and austin are. marketed and catered to bachelorette. parties people that are just trying and. it's such a basic [ __ ]. mentality to go to the place that. everybody else is going. right. to do the thing that everybody else does. there's nothing unique or or exciting. about following in the footsteps of.

every other friend you have who you've. seen them on instagram with a [ __ ]. photo of themselves at a winery or a. photo of themselves. [ __ ] country line dancing or riding a. mechanical bull or you know oh my god. susan was [ __ ] wild this week there's. nothing unique. or i would be impressed if these women. went to auschwitz. or had a moment like have a moment.

and understand that life's just not. about wedging your rib eye size steak. foot into a flip-flop. and going down the [ __ ] to the. [ __ ] uh honky tonks in nashville why. don't you go see some ruins go to the. scene of a war a genocide a crime. understand that life is serious and that. it will eventually end stop with this. immortality fantasy that these friends.

aren't even your friends these people. that you're at this thing with they. barely like you you just grew up. together you're clinging to each other. because there's nothing else to cling to. so you're just clinging to each other. and there's a lot to cling to but that's. all you're doing you people aren't you. know bonding over anything but i mean. again i'm not going to write this all in. the airbnb uh thing i'm going to leave a. lot of it out i'm going to focus. primarily.

on the fact that there's a pool you know. i mean. but that's how i think we get out. that's how i damn austin by giving it. one more piece of hell. [Laughter]. that's how i get back at this city i. give it back what it's given me. i. give it a spot. for fat. women. to come and pump up their economy. and make the city a little more.

disgusting. i think that's the best way to do it. i'll feel good about that i'll sleep. tight. when i was a tour guide new york i. ruined the holidays of so many people. that just had enough money. to go to new york one time and they. hated me because instead of [ __ ]. talking about the empire state building. whatever horse [ __ ] they wanted to talk. about i talked about you know i don't. know human trafficking and penthouse. apartments you know fun [ __ ] and they. didn't like that but it made me feel.

good because i was being true to myself. and if i as my last thing before i leave. austin turn my house into an airbnb for. fat disgusting women to terrorize this. city just a little more. i think me and you ben we've done the. right thing. but we've made it almost too nice yeah. it's too nice now we got to take some. stuff out almost i think. it's so. nice let me ask you a question. i could it's gonna cost a lot of money.

to ship furniture right. uh where are you shipping it to the the. house i just bought on long island oh. okay. all of this works in long island dude. yeah all of it works yeah you could. actually tell you right now. all of it works in long island this. isn't amazing i oh my god. oh my god i understand now. all of it works in long island we fill. this house with beanbag chairs. inflatable furniture. we put outdoor paint on the walls so.

they can vomit on it. you know what i mean. we ship all of this furniture to the. house i own on the east coast of the. united states. and then we just make this an adult. chuck e cheese. a dave and buster's for fat women we. fill the house with vibrators and. cadbury cream eggs and watch these. pieces of goo go nuts i'm telling you. yeah why not cotton candy machines the. whole thing oh yeah.

popcorn. movie night. how about this they all sit in the. backyard while they're eating popcorn. and they're just blasting themselves. with dildos in the backyard. blasting themselves with dildos queefing. letting out a little [ __ ]. just blasting themselves watching porn. watching [ __ ]. interracial stepdad porn and. you know that's because by the way ben.

everything we bought works even better. in the hamptons yeah because. which is i don't live there right but. right i live somewhere else cause it's a. little oceanic the vibe we got going. yeah it's a little nautical. yeah whatever ben but the point is. we get out we got to get out we got to. get out here we got to get out of this i. keep calling this local realtor and. going i'm listing it and then the next. egg i'm going to keep it and then the. next cigar i'm listing it and then the. next egg i'm going to keep it.

this poor guy so i just go i'm gonna. keep it again but give me tickets to. your i said here's some free tickets to. my show i'm gonna keep it. but ben i'm thinking we ship all this. furniture. can we do it yeah i mean why just we can. do it yeah yeah we could do it man we. can do it. we can bring these pigs home. come home. your home in the pig heart for you.

we've made a pig heart for you. is your friend getting married is your. life a bit harried i know life is scary. eat. just eat you pig. have a little bit of wine put on that. dress you swine just eat you pig. it's time for chocolates from belgium. that i bought at cvs.

you won't know the difference hog. i'm telling you i think that's the move. i i really think that's the move sam do. you disagree great idea. thank you sam. [Laughter]. these [ __ ] billionaires they've got a. line on everything even inflation can't. touch them but i'm about to walk into. their eyes wide shut party and start. pulling off masks because now i know. their secret picasso basquiat banksy a. lot of these mofos are investing in mad.

amounts of contemporary art why how. about 36 average historical price. appreciation when inflation is at 3. percent or outpacing the average total. return on the [ __ ] s p 500 for the. last 25 years now there's someone who. could beat them at their own game who's. making this art available to people like. us i'm talking about masterworks i've. mentioned before how i think this idea. is genius and a lot of you seem to agree. so i use my massive swinging influence. to get all of my listeners priority. access to skip their waitlist just go to.

masterworks dot art. tim that's masterworks dot art slash tim. what's great about this ben is you can. invest. in a one of these. priceless. pieces of art except of course. everything has a price and they all go. up in value. so your returns not only outpace the s p. 500 but they protect you from inflation. by putting your money to a place where. it can really work for you. as we've seen important regulation a.

disclosures at masterworks dot io slash. cd. but in order to check this out go to. masterworks dot art tim that's. masterworks dot art slash tim i love. bird dogs they are pants where you don't. have to wear underwear. and if men need one thing right now. it's less of a barrier between. themselves and a story in the la times. so you have these bird dogs underwear. they are so. comfortable their shorts their underwear. they're everything they're the one thing. you have to remember when you leave the.

house you don't have to put on layers. and all that stuff so you just go to. birddogs.com enter promo code tim dillon. and they'll throw in a free bird dog's. whistle football bird dogs are amazing. everyone i know. that wears bird dogs has a good life. there's not one person i know that wears. bird dogs that has any type of problem. not in their relationships personal life. health finances every single and i'm not. saying they guarantee this. and i wouldn't lie to you.

every person i know just to give you an. example. my friend's father. doesn't wear bird dogs. and he was just taken out of his house. the fbi showed up and they took his. laptop because it was loaded with cp. that means child porn. he was a dark web pedophile and my. friend didn't even know and you know why. it's because he scoffed at the idea of. wearing bird dogs. now my friend his son. thank god didn't inherit a predilection.

for dark web. child porn. he wears bird dogs he's got a lovely. wife they're getting married and they're. going to have beautiful babies and. they're all going to frolic around the. land but his father who doesn't wear. bird dogs is a dark web pedo who was. taken out of his house this is true. go to birddogs.com enter promo code tim. dillon and they'll throw in a free bird. dog's whistle. football. it's nice that's birddogs.com promo code.

tim dillon and boom a free bird dogs. football with your pair of bird dogs you. will not take these things off i promise. you and that's really the test of. something if you don't take it off it's. good. i wear bird dogs ben wears bird dogs. everybody wears them everybody wears. them. you know and i mean listen when joe. rogan opens his comedy club i'll just. set up a tent. and i'll live in that. how about that. and you'll be like team mom he lives in. a tent mom he's smart.

he's smart mom because. well here's the theme mom. here's the thing mom. it's like. you you realize mom that life is really. about. like. time. it's about time mom and a lot of people. mom they're like. afraid to put in the work to be who they. can be. but that's why tim lives in a tent mom. because he's freeing himself up from all. of those worries. and he's just becoming what he can be.

which is a disgusting pig who lives in a. tent mom outside of my comedy club and. when i i knock on the tent and i go do. you want to perform and then he goes on. stage man and it's killer man. i think we've kind of i think we're i. think we're right here. i mean sam don't you think this stuff. works almost better on in on the east. coast give him the mic ben you've added. nothing yeah having uh helped you pick. some stuff out you have you have a great.

eye thank you yeah that painting uh was. a big win yeah i think it's going to. look great on the east coast as ben did. say it is nautical. it is i mean it is it's a it's a. no it is but ben ben doesn't understand. when he says nautical people think. people think it means like lamps with. like fishing rope around it. ben doesn't understand that's not a tiki. bar i mean you just have a blue theme. this is a guy who pretended to be jesus.

at his family's [ __ ]. [ __ ] shed resurrection that they do. every year. no i'm joking of course that that was. not true that's i have to say that you. know it's i don't want people to be. angry that's that is untrue they do not. do that. that's true right ben you don't do that. what did you do for easter what was your. easter tree i liked easter as a holiday. because my aunt who was on pills would. get very particular about like the. baskets and where they were being hidden.

and she was like it was like her um. uh. insanity was really on full display on. easter because everyone was like hey. let's not take it too seriously you know. the kids are young you're hiding eggs. and. you know she just lose her mind she'd be. like god luck you know. because she was a drug addict. what uh what did you do for easter so. you wake up you go to church of course. as a good christian family and usually. wear like a tie so you dress up nicer. you have like a pink tie like a pink. easter time okay and then after church.

all everybody goes out in a field next. to the church here's where by the way. folks i just want you to. i just want you to listen. i just want you to listen very quickly. because when in your mind i want you to. go how far away is this from tim's joke. from an hour ago because it's not going. to be that far away so now keep going. ben uh you left off uh in the field okay. so there's usually a field next to a. church in in west texas right so in the. field has already placed a bunch of.

plastic eggs in like mesquite trees and. in bushes and in grass and in holes and. then everybody like at once sort of runs. and just goes like crazy looking for. eggs and if you're like a younger kid. usually a parent is with you and you're. putting eggs in a little basket and. they're usually filled with candies. little chocolate coins things like this. and what happens if you see you get the. most eggs you get to go see the pastor. in the back room. and you trade the eggs in for a little. salvation that's right. yeah. but i think that's what we're gonna do.

we're gonna ship all of this for i mean. sometimes i don't even realize my plan. until it's underway yeah. and that's kind of the brilliance of it. that's the brilliance of it this is. going. out east. those chairs you have coming tomorrow. too those go to everything yeah. am i. everything yeah it all goes. it's over here. the game is over. george carlin would say the die has been.

cast. um. oh yeah no we're go if we have to. furnish it we're going inflatable pool. furniture. outdoor furniture scotchgard everything. because oh yeah dude it's gonna it's. gonna smell like a curves. the gym for fat women. just big fat vulvas. but. that's all i can do that's all i can. really do this is the way to kind of get. out of here.

and then my next move will be uh florida. have you heard of florida. and then i'll hate florida. four months five months into florida i. hate florida and then i'll turn my house. into a sober house. and move in a bunch of guys that i suck. off. so that i let them outside to meet up. with their friends to do the steps but. we know they're just blasting lines but.

that's okay because they'll put their. big [ __ ] in my mouth every night. and i will. uh run a sober house in florida this is. what i should do i should move around. the country. and find that i'm miserable literally. everywhere. and then after that. decide what kind of. haunted house to turn my home into what. kind of horror should it be a halfway. house a halfway house for like wayward.

men. white knuckling sobriety questioning. their sexuality in need of a few bucks. or. should it be an airbnb for fat. bachelorettes who just want to eat. edible cookie dough and get bombed on. [ __ ] wine in texas who knows i could. just move from place to place ruining. the country a little bit more making it. a little grosser a little more grotesque. destroying the landscape of this already.

destroyed country a little bit at a time. one. city by one. city. put an airbnb for fat women in texas. put a [ __ ] methadone clinic in tampa. just look at the top 10 markets go into. nashville rent it to a bunch of [ __ ]. you know who knows capital rioters hey. boys we got a lot of space you do what. you think is necessary. just find the top 10 real estate markets. in america and then go into each one of.

them and decide what exactly. they need like the up and coming markets. you know not la or new york are these. things i can't really afford but go to a. nashville go to places like this buy. something. hate it almost immediately and then. decide what to turn it into a religious. fundamentalist cult an airbnb for chubby. chubs. or a methadone clinic where i suck off. the guys uh so that they can get. privileges to go out and use drugs.

i don't know. but i do know that that furniture is. getting on a truck and going east how. far is it from austin in new york not. that far uh about uh 18 hours i think. let me see let me google map here's the. deal man we actually. i mean it's going to cost money. but here's the deal. that furniture is a lot more expensive. in new york if i were to get it you know. probably yeah probably there's probably. bigger shortages up there. probably.

this is a good idea ben am i wrong uh. let me see how far it is to there from. here. uh so it to new york city from right. here and they had two hours. and and why i had two hours it's it's. out east oh right. it's loading uh it says. 27 hours. okay so it's like that's a drive so it's. farther than la. because i've done late here like seven. or eight times. what do you think we're talking five. grand. uh yeah probably we're gonna have to get.

one of those pods again the pod storage. things yeah it's gotta be done well. it's great you know what here's what. we're going to do. give me the phone we're going to call. [ __ ] uh our [ __ ] business manager. okay because what's great about him and. this is what i really like about him is. that he has been able to hold down a job. being mentally [ __ ]. hey listen can you price me out. what it would cost to ship furniture.

from austin to long island. okay yeah because we got a lot of. what. how much stuff 10 pieces. 10 pieces. like a bedroom worth two bedrooms worth. like like a home. okay like a couch two chairs coffee. table two lamps two other chairs we got. it all and we're putting it.

it to up hamptons and just plop it right. next to yours the austin house is. disgusting but here's the deal we got a. lot of great furniture but here's the. deal i'm not. we gotta get it out of this austin house. we're gonna the austin house is gonna be. turned into an airbnb for fat women. okay. we're turning it in eventually we're. turning it into an airbnb for very fat. bachelorettes we're catering to the. large woman who's unafraid to be herself. okay.

all right so just pry some of that out. for me tomorrow thank you sir. for sure thank you. imagine getting the joy to represent me. i have such a great business. mind i have such a great business mind. that's why he's so happy to take my. calls i kid when i say he's mentally. [ __ ] he's great i don't think he's. mentally [ __ ] i think he's he lands. somewhere on the spectrum but not full. you know. you know he's not like wandering around. with a piece of felt.

i wouldn't by the way i wouldn't let's. just say i wouldn't give him a piece of. felt and chance it you know what i mean. and if he had a piece it felt it would. be an nft he's cooked in that you know. uh timbercomedy.com there are no more. tickets to get so [ __ ] off who cares if. you didn't come i don't care i don't. want to do stand-up anymore i hate it i. hate everyone i'm kidding life is a. journey and a joy i enjoyed all the. shows every show was great but the. planes trains and automobiles these. hotels that marriott is ruining [ __ ] you. marriott. uh it's it's been a it's been tough it's.

been tough the travel wares on you. that's why the podcast haven't been in. the studio in l.a we've been traveling. it's been it's been hard and i know you. people don't understand you go no that's. not hard. we're not going to do these things in a. hotel room or anything just get over it. get over it enough. um but we will be back in the studio. soon and there's tour is over really so. unless you live in australia. it's over if you live in australia it's. great oh we have vegas and reno coming. up who cares we'll probably put the.

special out before then and i'll bomb. uh whatever this half of you will hate. the special probably that's fine too i. don't care uh the first show in denver. was ruined by a bunch of drunks so the. second show was good it's very very. solid but you should have seen it live. the point of comedy is to see it live no. special ever truly captures how funny. things are live comedy is meant to be. seen live or. in my airbnb. because we're going to have a projector. that you can watch while you're in the.

pool we allow eating in the pool we. encourage eating in the pool and we're. gonna have a projector and you know what. we're gonna put on the food network so. you can watch people make food. as you eat it while you float in the. pool and you know why fat people love a. pool because it feels they feel. weightless they can't feel their. decisions. that's why they love it that's why a. fatty loves a pool and we have a pool.

and we've got a lot of acreage. and you can graze. just like the castle you are. come to my airbnb come to my home. open the door it's your own willy wonka. chocolate factory and the golden tickets. all yours just press book on airbnb and. they'll be jars of peanut butter and. ashtrays. everything you heifers want. come to my home. come to my home just don't die there.