#270 - Havana Syndrome | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim. dillon show audio only episode. direct your rage at the citizens of. baltimore maryland i will be at. magooby's tomorrow night in timonium. which is not even baltimore it's like a. town outside of baltimore it's like if a. rest stop. became a town it's not a town i don't. know what it is. but i'll be at magooby's laugh house a. very fun but unfortunately named. comedy club and in order to get there. and do it on time we were unable to use.

our temporary studio in hollywood. california and we are broadcasting uh. from. uh a room in a hotel and i don't want to. say which hotel even though. many of you will find that out anyway. because we had one crazy [ __ ]. already this is our first stalker of. course it's a dumb [ __ ]. it can't be some [ __ ] hot dude. who wants to [ __ ] me to death. some guy with a a.

[ __ ]. hot fat fetish. he just wants to beat the [ __ ] out of me. with his [ __ ] and then blow our brains. out it can't be that. it's like some dumb yoga instructor. who's fat. well well good for me. good for me i have some dumb fat yoga. instructor who's stalking me of course i. would. of course i couldn't even get like some. hot.

[ __ ]. guy or girl. and this slob. [Music]. shows up at the hotel that i'm staying. at. we came here to new york for a few days. i don't tell anyone. when i'm coming here because uh. i don't want to talk to them. and i don't want them to request. me to do things i don't want to do you. know people reach out to me do you want. to do my show it's. you know it's in a laundromat and uh.

we're you know raising money for it no. no no no no no no. stay away from me. are certain clubs. where i miss the people. at the clubs but also i don't. you know that's part of life. i do in theory and in my head and in my. mind. but in reality i. i do not. so i don't even let them know i'm here. even though i would like to go. to see. some of those people but i wouldn't.

do you know. i have this this very complex. relationship with with. that. i want to do it but i don't. but i do. and i will but i won't. so i'm here. incognito nobody knows where i am i'm. just shuffling around i did the red. scare podcast. with anahashin and adasha necrozova. brilliant cultural critics.

hot [ __ ] uh i put up a photo with. them and you could tell a lot of my more. intelligent fans are like yo this guy. [ __ ]. women he's [ __ ] this. these [ __ ] and i'm like okay. fair enough. that whatever. but i didn't really tell anyone i was. here i was here for three days three. days you can't get all the you know if i. was here for two weeks i tell people but. it's three days i'm in and out.

um we were going to do a sketch with. little sasquatch. at barstool sports. we could not figure one out in time. he came over to the hotel me him and ben. were writing. eating uh. sichuan chinese food szechuan really. good. spicy the middle of night no good. i wake up at 3 30 in the morning to a. phone call. from the. manager of the hotel the front desk. going. someone's here to see you.

and and i know this fat [ __ ] is. listening to this. and i'll tell you right now. you're lucky i didn't walk down into the. lobby and beat the living [ __ ] out of. you because that's the next thing i will. do you fat [ __ ]. seriously. okay i'm staying at the same hotel with. harry and meghan markle okay my friends. who i thought when the phone rang at 3. 30 in the morning i said well this is. the end of me. because they called in a favor. that's what i thought i thought they.

called it a favor and like a guy dressed. up like a postmates delivery guy was. going to come in here and put a blow. dart in my neck. okay because you know meghan markle. heard what i've said and felt some sort. of way. so those two uh intellectual. heavyweights are also in the hotel along. with every other diplomat in new york. everybody's got havana syndrome here. nobody you know forks are sticking to. people's heads i'm just trying to get. the [ __ ] mustard sauce with the. fillet buff. and this fat [ __ ] [ __ ] pig.

calls walks in here. waddles her ass in here. and. and. maybe she thought i had food but she. called. they call me 3 30 in the morning they go. cameron herron wants to see you. uh somebody's down here to see you i. said who they said cameron herron now. cameron herron is a. poor kid. who murdered a woman. with his car and her baby i talked about.

it. two. episodes a month ago yeah about five or. six years kid in tampa good looking was. on tick-tock everybody was like he's too. hot to go to jail they put him in jail. you know real. he's a rough situation okay. i tried to make light of it whatever. it is what it is he's getting married. he's fine he's gonna be in jail but. he's doing better than most people i. know. 24-year jail sentence most people i know. not doing as well as him.

okay. so i hang up the phone now i'm terrified. cameron herron i don't know what's going. on. of course i think megan and harry are. drunk. and playing games. and that's literally for a minute. because you got to remember it's the. middle of the night it's the middle of. the night this is what i think i think. that harry and megan. cause they're like maybe in the. penthouse i don't know the penthouse 75. grand a night maybe they're not. springing for that who's paying for this. by the way diana left him money so he's.

you know spending that and he has a. stipend or whatever i think the royals. are kind of like hush-hush just keeping. it you know what i mean. you can't have them staying at a clarion. you know what i mean or you should see. the hotel benza god. i mean ahara. they want stalkers in that hotel that. anyone comes in. so i think i don't i don't know what's. going on. i said. harry and megan are are are playing. games now. and they're they're they're calling me. in the middle of the night and they're.

trying to give me havana syndrome. explain what havana syndrome is please. because there's people that listen to. the show who don't have any idea. where they are. so explain to them. so about about 140 people have got this. so far in like cuba in the u.s and a. couple other places and basically. primarily cia agents are getting this. right that's correct this isn't. something we don't think is going to be. widely dispersed through the population.

no no no. i want to read the actual list of. symptoms but it is pretty crazy a lot of. people report that they only feel the. symptoms in their hotel room and by the. way they don't know how they get this. because it's a direct energy weapon it's. through like. microwave um. what would you call that time microwave. uh. waves microwaves i guess like not. throughout radiation through uh yeah. radiation yeah yeah. scaring me about this well [ __ ] the. last couple of days talk about how we. all going to get advantage well yeah as. soon as i walked in the hotel this is.

the last place i'd want to be if i. wanted to get havana syndrome jamie. diamond's outside you're not going to. give anyone [ __ ] advantage syndrome. i'm going to [ __ ] him up he's still out. there by the way i just walked by of. course he is what's he going gonna do. where's he going. [ __ ] out there drinking wine. you think where's our friends all of our. unemployed friends are too many saints. in newark. spending their last 12 dollars. watching a movie. so they suspect that microwaves that are. the main suspect of this microwaves.

microwaves yeah that's what they're not. staying in a hotel with microwaves how. does this work this dude they're because. they're. sick people are getting a little sick of. the cia's act. so the cia comes into the country and. starts pulling the playing games and now. these countries are fighting back using. microwaves yeah too well it's hard to. get mad at that so like you'll be. sitting in your room and all of a sudden. it feels like. you're you know when you roll the. windows down in the in the the uh. in the back seat i do it that'll happen.

for like 30 minutes to like an hour you. have nausea headaches just weird. unexplained symptoms you don't know how. you got it and a lot of people think. it's this is russian intelligence doing. this okay so that's what then terrified. me he goes we're all gonna get havana. syndrome here. okay. well we don't have advanced syndrome i. have cuban sandwich syndrome because i. got a fat girl in the lobby she shows up. at four o'clock in the morning 3 30. and she gives this fake name cameron. herron then they call me back i said i. don't know who i i'm not i'm not.

entertaining guess i'm asleep i said a. lot i go to 3 30 in the morning. what are we doing i hang the phone up i. go use the bathroom they call back they. go we're kidding. she was using a fake name she said it. was a joke here's her real name i said i. don't know who this is. i don't know who this person is. i don't want her here. the next day today we're recording this. when. today uh wednesday september 22nd. wednesday september 22nd. so if anything happens between now and.

you know when we release this saturday. just know that we're recording it. wednesday you know there's like a. nuclear attack that we don't address. [Music]. it's also not as important as this. to me. unless it happens to me unless i'm. vaporized which again. i wouldn't be able to address it anyway. but. this woman then calls back and gives her. a real name and i go i don't know her. today she's in the lobby again. and we're on long island and i get a. phone call.

that this woman is in the thing again i. explain to the people at this hotel. which is the hotel that megan and harry. stay at it's the best western. in times square. okay. that's where i stay when i come to new. york i say the best western yeah with. megan and harry. so meghan markle. harry me. the diplomats. havana syndrome. jamie dimon and this fat [ __ ]. are all here together trying to just.

have a [ __ ]. a souffle before the end. okay. that's what this area of new york city. is called the upper east side it's. let's do a little wine and trees before. the end. the door. is slamming shut on the american century. but before it does let's sneak a little. cabernet in there. and a little chase. that's all that's all we're asking for. okay. no talk of revolution here. the quieted muted tones. of a group of people.

um. accepting the ephemeral nature. of the civilization that they've built. you know with all its problems anyway. so this goliath beast of a woman. who like does yoga can you imagine. yoga is a real fat thing isn't it you. just sit around and like put your leg in. the air. so. that's what it is right isn't yoga you.

just like drink smoothies like sit on. your ass i guess you could be really fat. and still do it but isn't it just. learning how to fart and stuff. [Laughter]. i haven't really done much of it but i. imagine that's the majority of it is. learning how to like open your body so. that you can pass gas which i imagine is. what this woman does so piglet. shows up again i tell him i said beat. her up i said i tell them on the phone i. said hit her you know like like [ __ ] her. up like i hate the cops i don't want to. get the cops involved but i'm like you. got a bunch of secret service you got. some ex-intelligence people just smack.

around. you know put the head in the toilet. you know what i mean like just put hands. on her i literally said the guy go why. do you put some hands on her you do it. like casino open the door with her head. i have no problem bumping into my fans. ever i go hey what's up let's take a. photo whatever don't [ __ ] wake me up. at four o'clock in the morning you fat. [ __ ]. so i said listen open the door with her. head put her head in the toilet. kick her. a couple of you know body shots to the. kidneys [ __ ] her up.

[ __ ] her up they obviously legally can't. do that i offered to pay extra for them. to rough her i say ray will you rough. her up. gruff her up a little bit but they threw. her out. took her name she can't come in now. without trespassing. but this is the level right now now i. gotta check in every hotel. unregistered guest she tried to call me. on instagram she tried to call ben. imagine's talking bad. she tried to call bad on instagram what. do you think she would have said.

i don't know she sent me a message i was. i was going to show you because i saw it. on the way over here get the message. yeah because this is interesting she. said something about you being in new. york uh she said i don't know why he's. here. i'm gonna read it exactly though and. then i'm gonna this is this is payback. because i've always said stalkers are. funny because they are you know like. whatever somebody says i'm trying to. protect taylor swift look at that. yeah so this woman goes why is he here i. don't understand what's going on and. miss call miss call on instagram yeah.

yeah she's a little terrifying why is he. here i don't understand what's going on. and it looks like she's here to punch. you in the face. that's why i'm here. but this is what's going on we got a. psychopath here. these stars imagine stalking me it's the. lowest level i mean what a horror. what an embarrassment. to stalk me. stalking a podcaster. mark marin told us he has a stalker she.

just like hangs outside of his house she. leaves that oils on his porch yeah and. the cops go we can't really do much yeah. the cops said the marine the cops go. yeah man she's out there he goes i know. she's out there he goes here she's like. out there she's also literally out there. but you can't do much you don't have a. lot of legal rights to stop these people. from uh stalking you i just thought. because we're in a really nice hotel. with a bunch of [ __ ] spooks. and you know intel guys here that we. could you know i don't know give go give. her havana syndrome.

put to put her head in the microwave. what's the problem here i'm paying a lot. of money here. i'm paying a good amount of money put. her head in the [ __ ] microwave. kick her in the ass and get her out of. here. you think sebastian menescalco has. stalkers like they call them up. and they're like hey somebody's here. she's like. jesus [ __ ]. i know what are you doing what are you. doing with these. i'm telling you right now i got stalkers.

stalkers. people are trying to kill me. that people are stalking me. they show up to my hotel i go what are. you doing. are you embarrassed. to be stalking me. are you crazy. you're a stalker. but you know i mean i think i handled it. maturely. i told him [ __ ] her up. yep but this is a psychotic individual. that would send a message and say why is.

he here i don't understand what's going. on [ __ ] what do you mean what's going. on i'm [ __ ] freely traveling as a. citizen of the united states of america. what do you mean what's going on. that means someone's really sick. that's a sick person got to keep tabs on. them. i'll stalk her. like i'll have people stalk her too i. got a lot of friends without jobs. they'll sit outside your house. i got a lot of people that don't have. [ __ ] to do. by the way.

i'll put them on a salary they could. they can sit around and ask ask you why. you go where you go. but it's one of those things when you. get known a little bit you're gonna. every now and then get a psycho yeah. you know the uh i don't understand. what's going on it's almost like oh but. tim isn't um continuing on with the plan. he's not supposed to be here right now. almost almost like in her head like. she's like he's not supposed to be here. he's supposed to be in. x y or z fulfilling the prophecy of.

whatever like almost like q anon type. thing like why would she say i don't. understand what's going on well because. sometimes in these people's heads. they're in like some type of. relationship with you. uh that they they don't understand that. you do a show that they listen to. they think you're literally talking to. them and now [ __ ] i am but they think. i'm i'm literally talking to them. i will go down to the bronx right now. and spread a lot of money around i will. have teenagers stomp you out in front of. your apartment you understand.

break your rib cage. this is not about violence against women. it's about violence against women. wman. specific. uh but no maybe these people are in a. relationship with you in their mind do. they think they think there's layers to. some i don't understand but it's. insanely inappropriate to show up at. somebody's hotel room and demand to to. to see them at 3 30 in the morning. and you told your wife ben's wife is all. spooked. yeah.

yeah she was excited she was a little. scared she was she was she was scared. that the woman wasn't gonna kill me. she was scared that the woman was thrown. out. then now that's another plan that she's. hatched it's not gonna go anywhere. they know they're in the will now so. everything's like you know. well listen i mean you know this is part. of what we're gonna have to deal with i. guess as a show. gets more popular people are why are you. looking disturbed what are you looking. at uh i'm seeing the previous message.

she sent me what is it it says hey. paulie. i hope you're well. since you chad's don't watch makeup. tutorials. here it's the same as my conspiracy or. scandal follow the money here's a link. to the evolution of morphe has been. linked to everyone in the beauty. community who has had controversy the. last two years yeah morph is like some. uh it's a like a makeup brand that was. involved with james charles that's what. it seems yeah this chick's takes on. dobrik are quite good too. so and she calls me call me polly for.

some reason. yeah. is there any chance this is gabby petito. would gabby petito fake her own death. gain weight. and then stalk me. we covered the whole gabby potato thing. on patreon i will say this. uh i'll address the tweet that people. are getting angry about uh don't go to. national parks which i think is uh. i think that's and people go no you're.

unhealthy and fat and that's why you. don't like national parks you go no i'm. not a murderer that's why i don't like. them they seem to be frequented by. killers. lots of people that murder other people. hang out there. a lot of people disappear national parks. had somebody on the patreon. who wrote an entire book about it john. billman yeah and what is the book called. uh let me pull that up. i love how he has the name of the guy. but not the name of the book you would. think i thought for a minute he pulled.

up the name of the book but he somehow. has the name of the guy. and not the name of the it's like an. amazing well hey any any problems with. the episode it's havana syndrome. the cold vanish. the cold vanish. people go out for like a light jog and. they're gone gone and then. you know you could keep blaming mountain. lions and bears but let's be honest. i think there's something else going on. i don't know what it is i don't want to. find out.

i'm just saying it's not exactly the uh. you know. safest place to be. at people like you're victim blaming. you're trying to make a joke out of this. and i'm like you know hey. do we need a trial yes we explain it on. the bonus episode we need a trial. to get us out. of where we're at. with covin. everything people are still talking. about tick tock it's like that should be.

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to america and the world is people being. able to keep their hair. what is going on in texas. uh well right so right now in del rio. is a city where a lot of where is del. rio del rio is that where joe rogan is. building a new comedy club. it's it's somewhat far away from austin. probably about four or five hours is it. not in del rio. aren't we all building a new comedy. scene in del rio or no no no so what's.

going on there so we got haitian. migrants that are moving from central. and south america to do comedy. [Laughter]. yes. perhaps okay perhaps i don't know what. their dreams are have they heard because. we put up that bat signal. go on. so a lot of them you remember in 2010. you remember the massive earthquake in. haiti do not uh there was the one that. pretty much decimated i don't remember. and it's not because it didn't affect me.

and i'm a [ __ ]. piece of [ __ ] white guy it's because of. havana syndrome. so although i am usually. paying very close attention to the. tragedies of the world havana syndrome. so there was an earthquake in haiti in. 2000 i do remember that a little it's a. little bit of the i get it it's coming. through the haze it was really it was a. really bad one i believe you yeah um so. uh yeah patrice had that bit about it. when people see disaster they yeah yeah. so jerk it off brilliant yes so um.

so a lot of these you know haitian. people came over to. south america and central america and. now they're making their way up through. del rio a lot of people think it's from. the recent one. well no they've just been down there and. there's there's been rumors through like. social media that they were letting. people in through del rio for whatever. reason and so now they're all coming. into that city gotcha and that that the. border wall was supposedly down and then. governor abbott declared a state of. emergency and everybody's just kind of. losing their mind we were watching.

tucker. he is in a wheelchair who's taking him. seriously. how did he lose his legs he was going. for a jog after a storm. the guy's tree in someone's yard fell on. him and paralyzed him and he like sued. and then he gets money every month for i. feel like this is a lie. but whatever. god bless the governor of texas. now.

the the haitian migrants. are why they're under a bridge. and then the state of texas has sent. people out on horseback that's what i've. seen yeah yeah which is it's not a. phenomenal look yeah they're using rains. like whips to round up haitian. immigrants they're not really using the. whips they're they're they're using the. reins on the horses the way the photos. are taken i see it looks like they're. lassoing. the migrants. but we gotta can we not with the horses. for a minute can we just.

i understand that we they always want to. bring the horses out in texas for crowd. control but it you know it does look a. little bad. in the photos. right yeah it doesn't look good it looks. a little django unchained so why don't. we just. you know. i don't know. let's just. but. i guess the horses are. in their minds they're saying it's. necessary it's good for crowd control.

none of the migrants have had covet. tests so they want to be you know. i guess if you're on a horse you're kind. of six feet away yeah that's true right. there are like supposedly reports of 10. to 15 000 people this is a lot of people. it's a lot of people in del rio. and they're here and the debate is. the same debate that we that's been. going on for a very long time. how many immigrants. can america absorb.

what. does an american citizen owe. to people coming over the border. and. how can you. maintain. a society. with all of these questions this is you. know. the same debate the same argument that. we've been having. and which would make you know if we. weren't doing all these things around.

the world that created the conditions. for a lot of this migration. like if we weren't you know. when people get mad at the afghan. migrant they're like well now they're. gonna come here well well yeah. because we spent. 20 years there. but if we weren't doing those things you. it would be more clear. like this debate. but we've been going all over the world. overthrowing governments creating chaos.

and creating situations. where. you have refugees. that are then flooding into europe. in the uk and in the us. it doesn't mean that the people that are. concerned about immigration are wrong. i think those concerns are valid i don't. think they're racist i don't think. they're xenophobic i don't think. certainly some of them are right but i. think the the main concern. of how many immigrants can a country.

absorb and at what pace. is largely economic. and that's really always been the case. to have these. you know. uh immovable opinions on these things. like aoc seems to have or some people on. the right seem to have don't make any. sense to me there are periods of time. when you need more immigrants to come in. and then there are periods of time. one might argue a pandemic skyrocketing. wealth inequality. uh. lots of issues already a fair amount of.

immigrants in the country already that. haven't been legalized. um. that during a period like this period. you may not need as many. or you may want to hold off bringing. more in. until you've figured what's going on you. figured out what's. uh a fair process to bring people in but. just making that point has already made. me a nazi. in the in the eyes of somebody who says. no. no human is illegal.

borders are inherently racist we cannot. have a country uh america as a country. is racist. we should give it back to the native. americans we're all on stolen land and. you go what does this mean. what is the plan how does all this work. and then they go i'm just gonna watch. the met gala. and you go but you just said a lot that. we're on stolen land and we got to give. the country back but who gives it back. first and they go i'm going to now tweet. about the real housewives for an hour.

you go but wait a minute what about the. country in the stolen land so you're on. stolen land tweeting about the real. housewives. nobody's serious about any of this. mullen said once you know all these. politics are it's all aesthetic it's all. optics it's how i look to the rest of. the world but nobody's serious about any. of these things just like i don't know. how many people are serious about saying. we should never have another immigrant. come into america again that's not. realistic either. right especially when you have all these. baby boomers retire and you're going to.

need immigrants to come in uh and be in. fields like healthcare that's going to. be a booming and rapidly exposing. industry a rapidly expanding industry. and exposing industry probably because a. lot of those nursing homes will need to. be exposed for like beating and robbing. the boomers but this time they'll. deserve it. i will put my parents in a nursing home. where i know they're going to get. roughed up and stolen from. but that's where we're at here but it's. that inability to have a logical. discussion about any of this that's just.

why you you know you know you kind of. have to put your head in the sand here. but i mean just i would say just you. know maybe you know. not with the horses. that's all. it shouldn't look like a scene out of a. movie. try i mean there's got to be someone in. texas that had to make that point go hey. man if we go out there with horses i. mean you know what. you know what this is going to look like. what well they're haitian and.

we're gonna ride in there on horses. you see. no. you remember that period of time. when. black people were enslaved yeah. those like a thousand years well and it. wasn't. but. a lot of the imagery from today's. events may make people think of that. time.

i guess that conversation was not had. i guess nobody had that. discussion. you know well abbott remedied it looked. like because he just put a wall of cars. uh right there on the border. that's all he did he just parked a bunch. of cars. that's good what is that gonna do texas. governor abbott creates steel barrier of. vehicles to block migrants from entering. u.s that's right american muscle cars. baby yeah.

that's all american cars are good for is. just to block immigrants from coming in. you know. we finally found a use for. american autos. we just put them on a. put them on the wall. i mean. if there was a better way because then. the people that are all pro-immigration. are like no one should ever have to. assimilate or learn english and then you. go how do they get jobs. how are they going to get jobs how are.

they going to work how does this all. work nobody has any interest in the. practical applications of any of their. ideas. no one has any interest in taking it. it's all just about the perfectly. crafted opinion. the perfectly crafted take. hot take economy. send it out there in a tweet and then. we'll go watch uh you know all these. morons are at the emmys. right that are all offended by this. they're at the emmys. what do they imagine.

that does for any of these people. by the way all these people that just. got here from haiti. what do you imagine you walking around a. ballroom in a gown. and getting a trophy for your work on. hacks. or. ted lasso does for these people that are. living under a bridge. because they really believe they believe. when they give these speeches that like. the people in haiti want to be on ted. lasso. or whatever show i don't even know what.

shows are on anymore i don't know. i'm googling it right now to like i. don't even know what shows or. i have the full list of winners here. hacks right. uh you got uh yeah ted lasso which led. all comedies with 20 nominations wow. they really sweep yeah you got a on the. drama side you got the crown. yeah. uh. the mayor of east town mayor of east. town yeah well that's what these people. think they think that people under the.

bridge. uh because when they when they're like. when they're like. you know speaking into the camera after. they've won the award they're like you. know this is for everybody out there. whose dream it is to make art. i'm telling you never give up they think. they're talking to the people in del rio. under the bridge. that came here to be on mayor of east. town. they think they've come here to be on. the crown. i don't you know listen we're past. solutions in this country you know we're. still looking for solutions.

i don't know what to tell you poor colin. quinn just got covered again vaccinated. had it no symptoms no no symptoms. but you know he tweeted out he's like. everyone that was around me at the. cellar. i mean here's the thing man if we're. gonna have all these cases where nobody. has any symptoms maybe we should just. stop keeping track of cases. and start keeping track of. hospitalizations only. michael tracy is running around all. these different colleges because they're. just shutting down colleges now and.

michael tracy has become like this. interesting. kind of version of nelk. he's like he's going around from college. to college just like. trying to defend these kids right to. party and [ __ ]. whereas like colleges now like they. don't let they don't really allow you. to congregate in the manner that you. would have been allowed to do. pre-pandemic although even though. a lot of their populations are like 98. vaccinated.

so michael tracy has just been like. leading the charge. trying to liberate. college students. from the draconian. covet measures. that are and they're in certain parts. it's a lot of like ivy league schools i. don't think the southern schools care. but i think it's a lot of ivs a lot of. northeastern schools yeah michael was in. connecticut specifically yeah. schools on the west coast.

i know some people that go to schools. are like we've not had any. uh i mean i've not worn a mask in new. york but we were asked for proof of. vaccination. getting a piece of pizza in staten. island. which was weird. because you figure staten island. trump country. back to blue. but. they're like yeah show us that vax. which means that a lot of these people. are going to get.

ratted out. they're going to get fined. there's probably a sizable hefty fine. that they'll get because no nobody's. hearts in it you can tell. as it shouldn't be. but like every other bureaucratic thing. there's a fine coming down yeah. like i remember when they just banned. cigarettes. and. like. they would be like all right you can't. really. hey you can't smoke here. but it'd be like a guy telling you that. who like really.

his heart was not in it. he was just like wanting to. smoke himself. and he's like yeah they you know. you can't smoke here you used to be able. to just smoke anywhere you want it i. mean not anywhere but in every bar when. did they ban smoking in new york let me. see. when i was growing up restaurants had. smoking sections. i mean which is unfathomable to me now. because. wow 2002 that recent huh oh yeah.

i didn't realize no i mean restaurants. had. smoking sections when i was in high. school. it's wild to think about yeah that is. because the smell of cigarettes by the. way. is so strong. and it used to just everything would. smell like that. airports people would smoke in planes. and now nothing smells like cigarettes. every now and then you smell a cigarette. as you walk down the street you go oh. but nothing smells like cigarettes but.

for decades everything smelled like. cigarettes it looks like new york was. one of the last to do it because texas. was 75. that's why i never saw it. growing up at all texas. banned cigarettes when 1975 smoking in. indoors why. uh 1975 texas first enacted legislation. restricting smoking in public places. including primary secondary schools. elevators theaters movie houses pretty. much everywhere i thought they were free. that's what i thought too wow. but new york 2002 baby.

well new york used to be a wild city. interesting see that dead flies in the. face of everything that everyone. believes about new york versus texas. that like new york is this. city of liberal [ __ ] and texas is. like the city of like. hey man. grab life by the balls. see what happens but texas in 1975's. like do not light up inside. in. 1975.

yeah it's wild huh but yeah it's really. wild i think everyone was dying back. then in texas from like you know they. called marble reds cowboy killers yeah. cause cowboys would just smoke them on. down. so maybe there was more death i don't. know. you're allowed to smoke in texas now. if you're if you're pregnant but you. have to. you have to carry the baby to term. and low birth weight and whatever but. you gotta.

you can smoke if you're pregnant but not. if you if you go if you're gonna abort. the fetus. that can't that can't happen. i love it we're being stalked by by a. [ __ ] lunatic. we should send her to del rio. introduce the haitians to her be like. are you sure you really want to come. here. you got to realize people come to this. country are desperate they're desperate. yeah this is not a really great place to.

come right now. truly you've got to be desperate yeah. you can't have any other options. if sweden would take you you'd be an. idiot to come here. how stupid would you have to be. if like norway or denmark would take you. and you go nah i want to go to america. that would be crazy. you know. i told ram like maybe the moves to just. get a. buy a house in another country.

that might be the move. to just have another. place outside of america. you know just to see like. if things go real bad here. i mean if things go bad it'll probably. go bad everywhere but i could live in a. fishing village in like sweden. yeah you know. that would be fine yeah. where were we uh. right before we came here. we were in um.

and what is that thing my it's now off. the internet right. that what is it. article about san antonio. it's it's a lie it says i was banned. from corpus. christie christi yeah yeah let me pull. that up this is not true. this is from a news site that's like. fake. and my agents were all like worried. about it because they thought that i was. like banned from. corpus christi which is one of the worst. cities in america comedian tim dillon. banned from corpus christi texas after.

disrespecting selena which i didn't do. yeah i made a joke about it on the. podcast. yeah and then get over hey hey hey. corpus christi with selena. get over it. hey hey hey john lennon get over it. same thing. stop. strumming your guitar outside of the. dakota on the anniversary of his death. move on. is that okay. is that equal enough for everyone. i think john lennon probably was.

more musically talented than selena am i. allowed to say that although she was. really good. yeah this article saying the mayor. banned you from the city it's a joke it. can't be true the article it's all at. the websites of china yeah it's it's. dumb yeah. it's like like a fun joke yeah. i don't think they have a mayor. i know that corpus christi texas has a. mayor. who's the mayor selena's ghost. selena's ghost sits on the council there.

and has a vote. who's the mayor the woman who killed her. there is no mayor. please i'm never going back to corpus. christi in my life sorry. i'm not. i'm not gonna yeah life is really too. short yeah it's bad. it made me think maybe go man austin. what a place. what a [ __ ] awesome place but you. know of course my agents and everybody's. nervous you're like were you banned from. a city. stop. you please.

grow up. these are not the brightest people in. the entertainment business by the way. i hope i'm not surprising anybody but. they're not exactly well read. this is not exactly. i've said it before the people that. become agents for the most part are the. black sheep of wealthy families. their brothers and sisters have. accomplished things. they work at goldman sachs. they're a surgeon. at johns hopkins. they work in finance at a high level.

you know they're in academia. these people. are selling clowns. you know. you know they're routing a tour for some. 16 year old tick tocker. it's a it's you know. it's not a prestige position anymore. it's been a long time since ari gold in. entourage right. remember that oh yeah a long way there's. about four of those guys there's about.

four people in the business left that. are like ari gold and the rest of them. are like shot. truly. the rest of them are like [ __ ]. you know. i mean there's not a ton of those like. high powered. [ __ ] you agents slick back hair quick. quick fun sharp. hopping out of a [ __ ] porsche like. [ __ ] you. my client you know they're terrified.

they're just scared now they're now. they're quivering they're. you know they're like oh my god did did. my client say something to a woman at. 7-eleven is it on is it on video [ __ ]. are we [ __ ] who did he rape. who what happened. second year of college what what. happened. who do they got. all these guys now are just they're just. terrified. so that you know that would have been a. great season of entourage if ari gold.

just had to kept dealing with like the. me too's. from vince and everyone else. like that was the entire season. arigal's like wait a minute she was. drunk. vinnie vinnie vinnie listen listen. sophomore year. queen's college. you were to party. do you remember this. she was drunk. vinny i need you to listen i know you're. having fun. i need you to walk out onto the balcony. you need to hear me right now we got a.

big [ __ ] problem. vinnie we then i need you to hear me. right now we got a big [ __ ] problem. there's an article coming out tomorrow. okay do you know what date rape is. i'll tell you what it is it means you're. not an aquaman 4. that's what it [ __ ]. means okay. jesus [ __ ] christ doesn't matter. about facts vinny. jesus do you know what trauma is. repressed trauma. well i'll tell you what it is it means. that even though she didn't feel like. that at the time she felt like that a. decade [ __ ] later did you keep up. with her you got to send these some.

[ __ ] [ __ ] a text. [ __ ]. who is his assistant lloyd yeah lloyd do. we have a mole at the l.a times jesus. [ __ ] christ. it's just the me too season of entourage. yeah yeah. that made hollywood look so much fun. yeah one guy one guy gets famous he. brings his three friends along. and that that is part of the hollywood. now it's just it's really the majority. of that is that's what the tick tick.

tock young social media kids do. somebody gets famous they live in a. house with a bunch of their friends. um they all throw a lot of parties they. make a good amount of money. and uh. then it should end and it should be over. already but you know. they're still hanging on to that. they're still hanging like the demilio. should not have a show. it should we should be nearing the end. of that act. but. nothing ends. so now we're just dragging everything.

out. you see the dances now these kids are. like in their mid-20s they're not even. into it now they're like the dancers on. tick-tock. they they're starting to like they look. old some of these children. i'm like they're starting to look like. they're like. like adults yeah like they have to. stretch before they go into yeah they. look like they're like. they're like dealing with problems. i'm like this this isn't fun anymore. it's not fun anymore he's now their job.

and they're just doing it and you go. just shut this thing down. just shut this thing down please. they did it with the other one they did. it with vine just shut just shut it down. shut it down send these kids back to. school. mask them up and. i don't know what they're doing make. them do live shooter drills. they need to be in school doing live. shooter drills. by the way i love all the people that. want you know want their kids in school. and they're like these they.

shouldn't be. learning at home they need to be in. school with their friends doing live. shooter drills. they need to be in school and they need. to be practicing what happens when. someone comes in here with a gun. do you know how much were the. experiences we're robbing these kids of. not being in school. learning how to survive a violent attack. by a by a. mal-adjusted. unmedicated heavily armed member of.

their class. you can't get that on zoom. you can't get those experiences on zoom. they'll never have that year of their. life back. what if parkland. was unzoomed. they never would have had those. experiences do you know what kind of. bond that fostered. none of those kids will ever forget that. year and it wouldn't have happened if. they were on zoom.

it wouldn't have happened. i want to be a parent who goes. to one of these. uh school things that makes that point. they need to be in person learning. so that they can learn how to defend. themselves and each other. from their fellow classmates. who we have driven insane. with a steady diet of fast food. no attention. horrible violent entertainment and we.

have also armed. and and our children need to learn. how to defend themselves from that. inevitable. nightmarish situation that is all too. common. that cannot happen on zoom i'm sorry. i feel better as a parent knowing my. children. are in school. safely learning how to deal with an. active shooter situation.

that will happen because of the society. that we've set up it seems. pretty inevitable. how many school shootings have we had. since we've gone back to school by the. way well did you see that 13 and 14 year. old were planning like a columbine yeah. what were they doing over in florida. yeah they were in a florida middle. school and they were two hours away from. marjory stoneman douglas uh so i think. they were inspired by it but by parkland. and and these were like kids they're. like babyface chubby fat little kids 13.

year old kid yeah and they're planning a. massacre massacre absolutely what's. going on with the society. hopefully these haitians get to have. that experience we're like their. children at 13 are planning uh. a massacre so it looks like these kids. were basically extensively studying the. columbine shooting the investigators. found. they found knives guns.

they were learning how to purchase. firearms on the black market and how to. construct pipe bombs. hmm. they're 13 they were purchasing firearms. on the black market yeah and probably. instructional articles like on the dock. you want to hear. how's your son well. um to be honest he was purchasing. firearms on the black market. and trying to learn how to make pipe. bombs. you know.

that's not good. right. i'm not a parent. but i'm guessing. that that's not good. now what happens to these kids. uh it says here that um. they were. they the the authorities the two. students are well known to the. authorities deputies having visited. their homes nearly 80 times combined. both boys met the criteria for. evaluations at a mental health facility. and were assessed before being detained. so they're like i guess detained but you.

know not in. you know prison they've been to their. homes 80. times. yeah very thorough here man 80 times huh. i'm betting these kids are a real. problem yeah this seems like they were. really gonna go like. all out here. maybe i mean at a certain point. if the cops have been to their houses. that combined 80 times should the cops.

just kill them. like literally and i'm not trying to be. insensitive but if you're buying like. trying to get pipe bombs at 13. i don't want to see what 19 is. so why don't we just kill them. like we killed that witness in the uh. the dokar tsarnaev case tamerlan's and i. have the boston uh bomber the fbi. invented a reason they whacked that guy. even though like you know four to six. fbi agents went to go interview him. supposedly he was some kind of threat so.

you just shot him. why don't they just get rid of those. kids. oh supposedly these kids were also. recruiting others to participate. wow. well that'll teach you a lesson you. always got to keep it small. they're spending 21 days and secure. juvenile nile detention well that'll. help. you got to kill him. truly. i mean there's what are you i'm not no. i'm not kidding what are you going to do. with them. they're going to be a nightmare their.

entire lives. you have to kill those kids you kind of. do you have to execute both of those. kids. there's absolutely no way they're going. to come back there's never ever a story. where it's like yeah i was building pipe. bombs and getting weapons off the dark. web at 13 but. now you know i'm just a really excited. uh. barista. i just have a zest for life and i love. making the coffee. i mean i think maybe they're too far. gone.

kill them. i understand that there's redemption. arcs in people's lives if you've had one. to a degree i'm not saying that uh you. know. these things are impossible i'm saying. it's a real steep hill to climb from. pipe bombs at 13 to any you know to. being a productive member of society. kill the kids. their names are uh pruitt and bird. jesus christ kill them. i mean kill them now. why can't cops have ever killed people.

that need to be killed. pruitt and bird. they should be publicly hung. their little fat legs kicking out. we we we have to. pruitt and bird yeah they knew where the. gas lines were to the school and. everything they really were just going. to take the whole thing down kill him. kill him. say it was uh i don't know.

do what you always do say they came at. you. what about their parents any quote from. pruitt and bird's uh parents on this no. they've they've stayed out of the media. on this one it seems. i'm guessing and i don't know but i bet. they're not from a great home. i can only see the backs of them here. two the children yeah yeah here let me. see these [ __ ] monsters.

dude. yeah i mean and they're just friends. these kids right. they're they're like they're not. brothers they're like just friends just. friends supposedly i think bird was the. mastermind here or maybe pruitt let me. see. yeah bird's the mastermind he's the. older one he's 14. don't you think. anybody at pruitt's house goes you. cannot hang out with bird anymore. why i don't know the cops were here like. 60 times.

don't you think around number 20 when. the cops come to talk to you about your. kid. you should just. not. allow them to do whatever they're doing. hey we're back again all right sorry. pruitt get in here. you can't go to birds anymore. i don't know what the [ __ ] you're doing. but the cops are here this is the 28th. time they're [ __ ] here pruitt. they're saying you're trying to get pipe. bombs you little freak.

jesus. there were plenty of warning signs in. this case deputies were called to the. home of 13 year old connor pruitt 60. times nearly 20 times to the home of 14. year old philip byrd which has many. asking should parents be held. accountable if their children plan. them now. do not waste time for christ. i do not understand why we cannot. execute children. [Music].

they'll do it in texas. right. yeah. they should oh yeah. well they're 13 and 14 and they they. were responsible for their actions. i would put them both in little electric. chairs. and cook them. put them on death row and cook them. cook those kids. zap them.

they're not gonna listen this is an. uncomfortable truth that many people. listening to the show are probably not. happy about. if the cops have come to your house 60. times about your kid. you're you [ __ ] up. i don't know what you did. but the kid's bad bad news. there's nobody that comes out of that. and becomes like something you know yeah. yeah. it's not like one day bird is gonna. start dating greta thundberg.

and doing a. you know carbon emissions speeches he's. in trouble. i'd love to see the look on their little. faces when a judge sentences them both. to death. by electric chair. put them in old sparky and cook them. how about that. that's my position. and cook my stalker too put her an old. sparky get her a bigger chair that fat.

lump. and don't try to kill me i don't think. anyone's gonna care they won't trust me. so it looks like um. people have signed a uh it says here. there's a petition created by the parent. of the children and the school district. of lee county as close to 2 800. signatures as of saturday morning it. calls for the 13 and 14 year old boys. who are arrested september 9th. to be kept out of the schools and. suggest they be homeschooled.

i think home is the problem. school is also not good kill them. the problem isn't. where they are physically the problems. that they exist on earth. kill them. truly. you want them at home. homeschooling is not an option here. right they've been homeschooling. themselves in [ __ ] gorilla warfare. lethal injection if you want to be kind.

you don't have to use old sparky. hit him with the needle get it over with. truly. there should be a program that kills. children. and we none of us should have a problem. with it i don't have any problem with it. i have i will sleep beautifully in this. lovely bed i'm in tonight knowing that. those two kids were held down while they. were screaming probably and tied to a. thing and if you've ever seen dead men. walking yes.

then they're put up like christ with. their with their arms out on either side. and they said do you have any last words. and they go oh don't kill me and you go. yeah well whatever and then put the. needle in. and then you see their foot kicking and. then it stops kicking i will sleep. so soundly knowing that they've been. tied up and executed. you know what i hate here that they're. using that sir kensington's ketchup i. don't like that i like heinz.

i like sir kensington's mustard shut up. the ketchup that fancy ketchup is stupid. yeah and heinz out of a glass bottle is. still the standard yes but. kill those kids. um. you've got back-to-back meetings errands. to run chores to take care of. what is the secret to clearing your. to-do list a little help from doordash. you can get dinner household essentials. and everything on your grocery list.

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and uh the national security state and. how do you do it. vpn. virtual private network. all of the institutions that i just. mentioned are trying to harvest your. information. selling it best case personally using it. against you in the future. worst case. um. so what do you want to do. expressvpn lets you change your location. online so you can control where you want.

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the link expressvpn.com. tim dillon. [Music]. patreon this week is very funny with uh. gabby is there any new information on. that before we wrap this up the only. thing i've seen is they're just. searching that um brian laundry still. gone huh yeah they uh i i saw they had. called off the search and i thought they. gave up but it was just for today. that that's all it was they're looking. around in that park for him search for. gabby petito's fiance brian laundry ends.

for the day at florida nature reserve. so they're just sort of digging around. there they're like everybody the search. is over but enjoy the grounds. you know. we're stopping the search. but we're we're having a dinner. when do they give up because this is the. fourth day now they've searched all day. and they're in there well no it's a. manhunt right i mean they give up when. they find them. i don't know how long that particular. search of the park will go on i think. he's probably not in the park.

yeah at this point he's probably not i. think his family well here's the deal. right. if the guy uses a credit or debit card. he's caught right how much cash could he. have right who's giving him money how's. he living. probably family. someone is helping him out he can't hold. out for that much longer. mm-hmm. pruitt bird. listen.

i hate to be the bearer of bad news but. they're gonna cook y'all. at the end of this month. they're gonna cook both of y'all in that. electric chair scare kids that would. scare kids right. wouldn't it scare kids. if you cook them. sometimes you got to think about what's. good for society and what's good for. society i believe is executing these. children without a trial. what about a firing squad oh nice like a. firing squad.

where they were both. you know next to each other and no. blindfolds i want them to see it and we. just go at them. i mean. folks. if you're unwilling to murder two. children. to make a point i don't know why you. even pay taxes in this country. what do you think those taxes are going. to. we kill children all over the world why. why can't we kill our own that's a great. point it's a phenomenal point it's hard. to argue it's the only point.

why we keep killing poor kids playing. soccer in pakistan let's kill these two. fat [ __ ] trying to murder everybody. drone strike their [ __ ] houses. timdylandcomedy.com. [Laughter]. for all the live shows coming up. uh if you enjoy the comedic stylings of. what i do. you'll love it live we're on a theater. tour with sam talent. ben avery will be on most of the dates. and it will be a.

joyous occasion. filled with love i will not talk about. the. children. uh being electrocuted. at the shows. a lot. i will mention it. i might mention it as a good idea. um don't stalk your favorite comedians. and podcasters and show up their hotels. it's not right. yeah we've been having a lot of fun.

and you know the audio only episodes we. always try to get to a studio. uh we have a studio in la that we're. trying to. we haven't found one quite yet but we. have one that we use temporarily. have we made any headway on the studio. front yes yes i'll be looking at some. stuff in two days via computer not in. person that's fine yeah. and he's gonna send you this. yeah our guy that we got through. business jason.

our business manager oh and a couple of. things couple housekeeping things uh you. added uh extra shows in a couple cities. yes we've added extra shows in a couple. cities atlanta. sacramento. and the other one was atlantic city. so just so people know oh and pittsburgh. a late show was added we've added late. shows in pittsburgh sacramento atlantic. city and atlanta. keep buying uh tickets if you like we. appreciate it um.

we're gonna have fun. and. kill your kids. if you have to. but if you don't you don't. you know. anything else that we need to uh maybe. subscribe to the youtube channel yeah. let's try to push our subscribers over. 400 000 and turn the notifications on i. know like you guys still message me it. doesn't work or whatever but turn the. notifications on subscribe.

yeah. it works for some people but you know. they don't they're not you know. we can't get anything going on over. there. we're making no money over there they. haven't given us a green dollar in. months man yeah. well this is. what happens when you. advocate killing children. but i dare listen to this and and you. know be like no it's they're just we. need to do more for them no we don't. no we don't.

well no we need to you like listen to. them and hear them and no they might. just be bad. they may just be bad. you know. like. you know be funny we said jamie diamond. he's having dinner outside i wanted to. go up to him and be like my debit card. the strip like the strip on it doesn't. have you seen this like you know you're. sitting there with like some other like. really rich guy and his wife and i just. wanted to go there and go do you do you.

replace these with with the you see the. strip. i don't get it. i go the chip takes longer. like inserting the chip takes long it's. not quicker. i understand it helps protect against. identity theft. anyway identity theft what's going on. there is that the russians. it would be kind of interesting to just. go up to him yeah just start talking. about like getting a loan for something.

like can i get a loan i'm trying to make. a movie. i want to make a movie. okay. can i get a loan to make a movie. from you. jamie diamond. how funny would it be like if i was. dressed in a suit and i just went up to. him was like it's good to see you again. hey jamie good to see you again you.

wonder if a guy like that would just go. like would he be like. trying to play he'd be like okay yeah. you know what i mean yeah because he's. met so many people yeah i don't know. what he'd how he'd play it i don't know. how he'd react he seems pretty cold. y'all see your chase no. i don't think so. i bet he's a cauldron of warmth. i bet he's just a fireplace and on a. cold day. sea of chase no he's cold he did seem. very cold it seemed like stone yeah yeah.

yeah. that's how they all seem yeah the wife. seemed like she didn't wasn't allowed to. like make eye contact with them she. they're not even at the table anymore. they're the the the relationships at. that level are. i mean. the rich like that are a different. species. people don't understand that there are. different species they. they don't have the emotions that we. have. you can't. because then you end up not being rich.

right um. they just really are. cold like kind of waspy. just whatever you're feeling just kill. it. keep it down. take a gulp of wine. a couple lasagnas little valium whatever. you need. to just kill that emotion. do it. you know. she's just sitting there eating you know.

they're playing the big game they're in. the big game those people yeah they are. you know. they're just sitting there and you know. not eating great food. no the food where he was was okay it's. not great it's just it's in the. neighborhood it's a restaurant that a. lot of their friends go to. and it's in the neighborhood it's in the. hood. and it's just has that reputation of. yeah yeah i'm not going to mention i. don't want to get in trouble here i'm. not going to mention the name of the can. i mention the name of the restaurant i.

don't see why not son ambrose it's a uh. it's. it's a place where people on the upper. east side you're like you know it's like. young moms like bring their kids and. they. the prep school kids they have like. gelato and then you know the women go. there too. they like split a salad. and they you know have like four glasses. of chardonnay. and. you know. a couple of pills and. go home to their loveless marriages. but he was outside in these you know. horrific like horse stalls that people.

in new york are eating in. and the food is not great there but it's. you know a place where they you know. it's kind of like i lived in new york. for years and years and it's one of. those places i i like went to saunders. once for breakfast i was like this is. not good. i went with a friend of mine and and and. then creating a crazy michelle. uh but. yeah he was very stoic and cold looking. but that's how you get to be the ceo of. chase right. like nobody's like like you don't get to.

be the ceo chase by being like you know. affectionate. you know. i don't know anything about him. his parents were loaded right. yeah they were he's not one of these. guys like blank fine like blank fight i. think came from like. the jewish projects or whatever. the lower east side or brooklyn maybe. i was i was confused that uh there. wasn't like tons of bodyguards around. cuz i thought those guys like there's. like kidnapping plots and stuff i don't. really know i don't know how many people.

maybe there was somebody we didn't see. but i also don't know how many people. would recognize him i just recognized. him. uh yeah i mean he was. one of three sons of greek immigrants. theodore. and whatever and attended the browning. school what do you mean and whatever. and well then the the greek name it's. it's well why don't you try to sound it. out theodore and niallos. okay diamond. okay it's not a big deal his paternal. grandfather was a greek immigrant who.

changed the family name from papadame. trio to diamond to make it sound french. and worked as a banker in smyrna now. athens or smyrna and athens georgia uh. or greece i believe greece yeah smyrna. okay. so that's that's his background. yeah they they come from people that did. things he went to tufts. and then harvard business school yeah. they usually there's a line of people. that have done things.

not always. you know. it's not like you know jamie's father. jamie's mother was stalking podcaster. tim dillon. in the hotel. you know. it's usually like some type of. you know. i should've went up to him and said. what do you think about 9 11. [Laughter]. just between me and you. what if i was what if you were the. waiter at san ambros and he walked up to.

him and he went what are you. what do you think about 911. do you know anything about that. should i try to get a job at one of. these places. just so you can ask people just for a. gag yeah. because all these places are hiring. right. should i try to get a job. on the upper east side at one of these. rest like i would never get high i would. never get hired yeah.

well your resume has a huge like gap in. it too. yeah but wouldn't they they'll run a. background she'll figure out who i am. but wouldn't it be funny if i could just. get a job for a day or two. to just. talk to every table about 9 11. before i got fired. and i was like why am i getting fired. they're like you can't.

hey. i know you have enthusiasm for the food. you know all the dishes you're very good. you know all the terms we didn't have to. explain to you like what a gremolata was. like you're good like that you're like. really good we're kind of really. impressed. the problem we're having. is that every single table said you've. brought up 911. every single table. every single table you've had. has complained.

you've worked here an hour. you've had three tables. all of them have said. when i said how's everything going. the waiter continually and incessantly. talks about 9 11. so we're gonna give you a warning. but the next time we have to talk to you. about this. okay. and then they'd fire me they'd go okay. you asked jamie dimon for money.

we have to let you go. it is incredibly inappropriate wildly. inappropriate. to ask jamie dimon for money. i would say can i get. can i get a little money from you. like now. you're gonna tip me later can i just get. it now. [Laughter]. can you give me like forty dollars now. cash.

well. maybe the next. what if pruitt and bird do become like. very successful. hmm you know they turn it around they. turn it around yeah cause that's what. america is about it's comeback stories. turn they turn it around. they're not gonna end up in angola. what if they both turn it around. they're they're the ceos of chase. you think pruitt and bird are going to.

be the ceos of chase. i'm asking. i mean man they got a long way to go. from being two little fat school. shooters in southwest florida to being. ceo of chase but that's america. that's america from two fat little. school shooters to rising the ranks the. ceo of chase. i could see i could see him having a. house on center island where we went. today.

i think it'd be great if jamie dimon. mentored both of them that's a tv show. i'd watch. why doesn't jamie dimon take pruitt and. bird to son ambrose. and get them gelato maybe that's all. they're missing is a good pistachio. gelato yeah or hazelnut. and jamie dimon has to walk pruitt and. bird through the upper east side of. manhattan. bring their fat asses. into ralph lauren get them clothes. and ask them you know talk to them.

and he looks at them he goes listen i. know all you people want to do is kill. but at my company we kill without firing. a shot. and they go what do you mean by that. jamie. he goes we could kind of do whatever we. want for example during the mortgage. crisis there were tons and tons of uh. accusations of fraud but we paid. billions and billions of dollars to stop. the investigation. stop the inquiry into our company.

and we kept billions and billions of. dollars. you know earned through fraudulent. practices. because. we were able. to. bully the federal government. doesn't that sound like fun. you get bullied at school a lot right. yeah. that's why you're two fat little school. shooters. but wouldn't you like to be able to be. in a position to bully the cops that. bullied you and i don't even mean the. cops i mean everybody.

the politicians that make the laws. the federal reserve what's that doesn't. matter i just mean we bully everybody. the only people we don't believe are the. tech guys. they're the only people we don't bully. well why can't we bully them says bird. obviously had like ice cream on his. mouth. jamie dime's like wipe your face. he's like well we can't believe them. because they know everything about us. what we think who we are i mean.

they're you know they're unbelievable at. this moment. you know and pruitt and bird are like. this guy's [ __ ] cool. and jamie diamond like he just feels. like for the first time in his life like. you know he really loves these. fat little school shooters from southern. florida. and and he just takes them in as like. his proteges. you know. and he raises them.

and it's like a beautiful story. and he teaches them that like you don't. have to you can devote. all of your murderous violent. energy into succeeding. at finance. you just got to get a gym bag. and the right clothes. take adderall. learn how to stare at a computer. learn how to acquire friends and. relationships based.

solely on. you know. monetary gain. he taught them all these things and. i mean that's your only hope. but i mean that's a [ __ ]. beautiful story. because that's the best version of those. two kids yeah. the best version of those two kids. become financial criminals. you know.

for a great institution like chase bank. do you think like kevin hart who has a. partnership with chase i will one day. have a partnership with chase. or do you think that. because of a lot of the content that. i've made. that isn't likely not likely. [ __ ]. sometimes i realize i really shot myself. in the foot. you know. doing the show. i could have been on hacks. to show about uh.

gene smart who's a legend because we say. she is. now we're just saying. by the way. is every woman over 40 a legend can. someone help me out. is every woman over 40 alleges is my. mother a legend she had a mental. institution give her an emmy. what did gene smart do. numbs. i mean she's good in hacks right. but what did she do again was she on. loveboat i'm i'm googling it right now. what the hell does she even do.

everyone just says she's a legend and. every time she talks everyone starts. crying. so jean smart was on um. designing women. with delta burke yeah uh okay. uh she was on frasier. as what. um. i don't remember her i watched every. episode of that uh. it's not showing up immediately. interesting what else uh let's see here. she's just had a long career. she was in big mouth uh she was in 24.

what's big mouth. uh that remember the jenny slate show oh. yeah yeah i'm sorry i should know that. show it's. nick kroll and jenny slate and. my buddies. uh she was in uh. watchmen. she's worked she's worked. she's worked sweet home alabama. with reese witherspoon that's correct. right well. i wish her well she does a great job in.

a hacks i just didn't know. i didn't know if there was any uh. anything behind the legend uh. description. i didn't you know. even though she's a legend i go oh of. what. yeah i'm kind of digging through the. work here trying to. i don't i think it's rude to dig through. to work. if it's a woman who's been in a game for. as long as she has you just let it go. you know she's a legend.

anyone's a legend right that's true. no you don't have to don't dig through. to work. she was a legend she's a legend. i'm happy for her me too maybe gene. smart should take him dalton what's his. name pruitt and bird yeah pruitt and. bird how about gene smart adopts them. maybe there should be on the next season. of hacks pruitt and bird. you know. maybe they should film the next season.

of hacks in del rio texas. why don't we have that be. at the show hacks we do a comedy show. where uh gene smart. goes to do a uh. uh. fundraiser in del rio. i think that's a good topical idea. should i just start submitting ideas two. hacks yeah yeah. text them to your agent have them email. them the people that created hacks have. 400 followers on twitter.

so i i probably will be able to get in. touch with them if i want. i mean i imagine they don't can't make. their rent. i imagine they rent and not own. to guess. i'm guessing. i'm not trying to be a [ __ ] i'm not. saying like you know. i'm not saying that like you have to. have money to make great art in fact for. decades and centuries that was the. antithesis of the idea you know but. i'm sure they're good that people that.

have created what else have they done. besides acts by the way the people that. made hacks yes people that have made. hacks let me see here jen statsky no. that's that's the uh white house press. secretary. uh paul downes and lucia enelio yeah. anello or something uh. lucia did uh broad city oh. and as well as the mini series time. traveling bong. brilliant and the 2017 film rough night. i don't know if you ever saw that i have.

not who's in that i believe it's um let. me click on this what's that about. i think it's about uh tina fey and oh my. god oh wait no wait no no that's the. different movement that's different this. is uh this is a black comedy film. directed. dark comedy well i like that uh it stars. scarlett johansson zoe kravitz kate. mckinnon jillian bell alana glazer. oh okay and demi moore. interesting it follows a bachelorette. well i bet you know what now let me take. it back i bet they do have a little bit.

of money. i was i was. joking around that they didn't have that. much money they they probably have a lot. of money. yeah and paul downs was from broad city. as a co-creator as well. i think hacks is actually pretty. it's decent right it's enjoyable i. enjoyed it i think it was enjoyable. i think it was enjoyable. i have no problems with any of these. people. and i imagine they have no problems with. me.

or anyone that i know. i'm just saying i was confused about the. let when we kept saying gene smart was a. legend. i was i'm confused about that. that's all. it's not an attack. i think it's a question i'm allowed to. question things this is the united. states. right yes that's right but god bless. them and i'm glad their show's doing so. well that's the only comedy out right. now. it's a comedy about comedy.

but that's the old the only thing that's. funny ted last was really not funny. no not at all no ted lasso's not funny. no not even a little bit. it's positive right. yeah i guess it's like it's just not. showing it's the only thing that doesn't. show people on ventilators. gasping for air and dying on the floor. so it's the only thing on tv that is. that isn't that. so i guess. by. i guess it's a comedy by default yeah.

okay. and and then there's hacks yes. okay. i'm just trying to understand the lay of. the land here. and uh i take it back when i said the. creators didn't have any money now that. i know that they have money look up her. net worth. uh which one the creator uh okay well. there's three but all i i think i know. the one you've done you're the one who. did rough night. what she got five sticks. ten sticks.

i'm gonna say two sticks two million. dollars. three million dollars. uh it says here that there is not one. there's no there's not a net worth. there's no net worth. what do you get paid for doing rough. night what was the budget go to the. budget on rough night. i'm curious just how hollywood works. let me ask you a question. much like 20 million 20 million. she has to get paid money right you'd. imagine so but a lot of that probably.

goes to me more. i bet most of that 20 million goes to. the drugs to just keep to me more in a. chair. right. doesn't most of that money go to the. drugs to keep demi moore in a chair yeah. right yeah i think so without having an. episode. because you know she'll have an episode. right they gotta strap her into. something. and hit her with the iv well i think. around this time she was on the h this. is 2017. well was it didn't to me more. flip out or something. uh when.

i don't know. doesn't she need to be watched yes yes. she she like oh deed you know. yeah she od like uh. what was this two years ago and then she. had to go there she's gotta be watched. is my point yeah yeah she's not to be. trusted. i mean a lot of that money's got to go. for just guards to stand outside her. dressing room. do you think i'll be on the next season. of hacks or much like champion diamond. you think i've ruined that now because i. don't think the show's that bad i think.

hannah einbinder does a nice job yeah. she does a fantastic i think i think. it's a good mega the uh. uh statler. yeah they do a good job on that show i. have no problem with that show. i'm just curious as to how everything. works. i'd like to have a television show why. don't you think i've been allowed to. have a television show if you had to. take a guess if you had to take a stab. at that well we've certainly tried right. and well i've tried. but you know. i don't know i think it's maybe because.

um. that. people. for whatever reason. seem to not like. me. or they have an issue with me i think. they just need to take some time to get. to know you. well. perhaps. but. i also think that people are just very. risk-averse. that's what it is.

i think people are risk-averse and i. think that. they associate a business relationship. with me with risk. perhaps. it's an intelligent assessment and they. think that there's too much risk in. allowing me. uh. to be part of the project yeah if they. don't know what you're gonna say next. then why would they work with you. right that's the biggest risk of them. all that's a huge. point.

yeah i guess that's. that's a problem. [Laughter]. i get it i get it. you know. well. c'est la vie. you know. what does that mean such is life i think. so yeah. i want to correct myself it was in 2012. that demi moore had a seizure from a. horrific drug overdose when she did. whip-its.

yeah she needs the most of the. budget of the movie rough night was to. keep demi moore from having a rough. night. you know. do you have to go babysit her she'll get. high off anything huh she'll just start. sniffing. glue i mean if you're doing whip bits to. the point you have a seizure you'll do. anything right you'll sniff glue pretty. much you don't give a [ __ ]. she'll huff paint and [ __ ] well she's.

got that purple ring around her mouth. air duster she'll do computer cleaner. yeah. man. imagine having a job on that set of. trying to keep trying to get between to. me more and computer cleaner. because that's what life's about see to. me more. you're a great actress you do the whole. thing. but at the end of the day nothing's as. fun as just sucking nitrous out of a can.

right yeah doesn't matter how many. awards you get or how many red carpets. how sexy you are how many people want to. [ __ ] you at the end of the day life is a. hollow. uh meaningless activity. and. we just have to. forget that and move from thing to thing. before that. truth that erodes our souls. uh comes in. so a good way to do that is suck a. nitrous out of a can.

all right we got to get out of here. because room service stops at 11 and i. i'm gonna get i'm gonna be on the next. season of hacks. good night.