#267 - The D'Amelio Variant | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim. dillon show from our temporary. studio here in la we have a new studio. that is being. um. built for us right now. um from the ground up and we're very. excited about it um we're spending 80. million dollars on it. and some people think say it's too much. i don't think it is it's a hotel. condo. podcast studio it's going to have. residential units we've partnered with.

some of the biggest developers in the. world. uh to bring you this state-of-the-art. podcast studio. uh pool fitness center. uh. i think 400 residential units. about. 350 hotel rooms. i believe like 50 to 100 suites. and then the rest beautiful rooms. um five restaurants. so it's very exciting.

we're teaming up with a lot of the big. chefs mario batali oh. mario batali. from new york city if you remember. he was canceled because in his. restaurant he had a rape room where he. would like bring people in. but a phenomenal chef we've decided to. say hey are we god. no we're not. are you jesus christ do i look like. jesus christ i don't think so so we. reached out to him and said let's let. bygones be bygones come in here and. let's cook that squidding pasta up so.

mario batali's first new restaurant in a. long time is going to be in our high-end. condo uh. podcast studio. before we start the show this is a very. sad thing that i want to talk about and. i didn't i didn't think i would ever. have to do this and this is a tragedy a. unique. human. tragedy and many of you. don't know this. because this information is being kept. from you you're being lied to.

and i have a pretty good idea of who's. doing it. but. i must. i must come clean. about what i know. this is true. i can't. sleep at night. perpetuating a fraud. and that we know both of us know. is not true. joe rogan.

passed away from the coronavirus last. week. um it killed him almost instantly. it was. very tragic. he had 17 strokes. an hour after testing positive. it was incredibly. sad. not only did it kill him. but.

it was so. shocking. that young jamie. the producer of the joe rogan experience. okay. lost his mind. after joe was. after joe died of the. covet. young jamie went nuts. he went completely insane. and no one knows where he is right now.

okay. this is. something that is being kept from you. by spotify. and. on it. the real illuminati. the supplement companies are keeping. this from you joe died. even though. he was taking all of the supplements. vitamin d. chrysaritin magnesium.

all of them. he died instantly. he lost his mind before he died as well. he was not making any sense he. was he was in a chair. and his last words i swear to god. and this is sad. yeah it is very sad are we more relevant. in the podcast base now probably yeah. but this is very sad.

his last words he was just screaming. ivermectin. as he was stroking out in a chair. i remember i remember. so. it's not right and it's sad. um but we have a uh. a memorium what do you call it an in. memoriam yeah like they play at the. oscars that's right. of of joe.

that young jamie tried to move into his. house. and he walked in and he looked at joe's. wife and he said i'm the king now and. she shot him. so. this is what's going on in texas. so let's play the memorium here for. the man that's more responsible for our. career than any other really other than. me. but. it's sad it's sad it is not it is.

unfortunate that this happened. and it is very sad the way young jamie. has handled this trying to steal joe's. wife and move into his house. it's crazy. it's completely absurd that this. behavior. i mean. so let's take a look at this uh montage. here. [Music].

it's a tough way to go. yeah it's rough well. he was fat.

he was fat. that's part of what people don't know he. smoked too his. every time he did that show he was in a. corset. his real size. would would i mean it would stun people. it was stunning. um. i i was a little late here i was. watching behind the mask on. hulu. about the uh. mascots have you watched that i have not. seen this show it's a it's it's uh. heartwarming.

and it's about uh people that have very. little confidence maybe. um we all have our issues. but when they put on the suit they. become a god gotcha. right so i've been watching that it's. kind of interesting. when they put on the mascot costume. thousands of people cheer for them. but when they take it off they're. nothing again. and it's it makes for good viewing.

because it's an interesting i think if. there's not many people in the world i. can relate to because there's not many. people who do my [ __ ] up job for a. living comedian or podcaster these guys. must feel like that that there's not a. ton of people who've ever felt that. power. of being the mascot. everybody loves you and no one knows who. you are. because you are behind the mask. the title of the show. and so i i'm i think i'm i'm in i'm on.

episode two right now. i don't know how far i'll go. it just started playing. i didn't have any choice i just. i had hulu up in it. they just chose that for me they do that. sometimes they go here's what you'll. like. a show about uh people that are mascots. that only want to live. when they're in a very hot. sweaty. costume of a moose.

that's the only way they can find. happiness on this planet and you would. really like that so. here we go and they were right because. i'm. watching i'm kind of hooked. i'm kind of hooked. uh very sad in new orleans someone. reached out to us on instagram. uh it's out of the news but the. hurricane ida. uh the name of our persian friend.

uh. the hurricane in new orleans has knocked. out power and power has been out for. days. some places won't have it for a couple. weeks they won't get it back what i was. reading new york city uh the tail end of. ida uh. dumping torrential rain on new york city. killing a few people that got stuck in. their basements. i don't know how that works but. very sad new york city subways were. flooded.

and a lot of those. images are. uh we're on twitter and you were just. scrolling and going man. i am so happy to not be there. you know. but. yeah the new york subway. is going to flood a lot and there's. nothing. we will do about it that's true yeah. welcome to the climate change era that's. what they're saying. well it's rain. listen is it climate change sure.

but six inches in an hour is a is a ton. that's a lot i don't know it's not that. much at all really. you need six inches if you want to go an. hour. come on. come on. are any of the people in new orleans. that are sitting in their houses without. power. and. scared to go out into the alligator. infested waters. and experiencing a failure of both state.

and federal leadership do you think any. of them. are disappointed that they can't watch. the dimlio show on hulu. because. if you get your power back if you get. your power back. go. run don't walk. to the tv store. and buy a tv. and subscribe to hulu. and watch. the dimlio show it's a show.

about charlie demilio a very sweet. young girl. perhaps medicated i don't know. but very. calm uh. and her family. uh she's got like what a trillion. followers on tick tock she's got more. followers on tick tock than people exist. on earth. and she's very successful and she's a. dancer and she's a sweet girl she's.

truly sweet when you watch the show um. and her sister's a singer. and the parents are from connecticut and. the dad was a. republic shh. black lives matter. but the dad i think was a republican he. was a little bit of a. a connecticut republican which he what. that he's not a texas republican but he. was a connecticut republican oh yeah. that's right nothing wrong with that not. where we stand but. you know.

it's probably not the best branding. angle. so you have him and the mother and then. the children. uh and it you know i mean. boring. right. let me this thing is so. boring. that your you know reality tv should be. fun and you realize how good the. kardashians were. uh they set a bar.

man did those [ __ ] set a bar. i watched an earlier scene today where. kim and her mother were fighting and kim. was thinking of firing her mother as a. manager. and chloe went to the mother and goes. you know kim's meeting with other people. and chris cause who is she met with and. you go that's what i want i want a. family that regards each other with deep. suspicion i want a family that sees each. other mainly as brands. like when they sit around a table. that's fun to watch.

it's fun to watch a family that lawyers. up against each other when need be. that's cool but the dimlio family it's. it's this you know you have these two. girls and then they have a again. 700 000 million bazillion trillion they. have they have the population of china. following them on social media every. time they like wave. uh they get like 400 million you know.

and then you know. the whole show is these two girls going. to their family going the internet is. mean. and you feel bad because i know it's. mean. and. what happens is. like the family will be in the kitchen. they'll be like making dinner and then. one of the girls goes. the internet said i should kill myself. again. and then the parents are like well. that's hey. that's not nice. and they go she goes well.

it's very sad. because people are saying that i should. be dead today. but instead of dying i uploaded a dance. video. and the parents like well if this isn't. good for the kids. we'll get out of here. and the kids are literally like today. someone else said i should be burned. alive. and then you cut to the parents going if. at any time this is bad for the kids. we'll get out of here we're not we don't.

want to ruin our family for money. they said that i should be burned like a. witch. they said i'm nothing. well. listen. just ignore it. dad sometimes i can't ignore it. the thoughts just stay in my head and i. just cry. just ignore it. if any if at any moment me and my wife. think it's a bad idea. for millions of people to tell my.

daughter to kill herself. on the internet. we'll move out of here. we'll go back to connecticut i used to. sell uh. shorts. he's like. he sold athleisure where. you know he's a fun guy too. sometimes i make fun of people on the. show and i go i would love to be friends. with a republican from connecticut who. sold like uh sports apparel. it's just a fun type of person yeah he. looks fun. he's a fun guy.

and uh but i i love that angle of like. if ever it gets too much for the kids. and literally there's a scene where the. girl is crying like every moment of. every day every. minute of a lot every minute i'm alive. they tell me to kill myself and he's. like listen just come in here and vent. whenever you need. so i just it's just. they should play that up more in the. editing but they don't and it's just a. very boring show and you know you.

realize that children are boring and. stupid now i don't mean they're not. crafty and savvy because they are these. kids are going to have empires they've. got uh ring lights and target they've. got uh. clothing lines. they've got number one hit singles. number one hit singles uh they are. dominating so i don't mean they're not. savvy i don't mean that they don't work. hard but. they're they're kids right so what we.

can't what. the kardashians were never children they. were never children which made them. entertaining they were never children. and they were never a family and that's. what's great about it. kris jenner was never a mother they. called her the momager i mean she was a. [ __ ] powerhouse i want to watch. powerhouses i want to watch that demilio. mother grab one of the girls by the hair. and go shut the [ __ ] up you want to go. work at the gap because that's the real. answer the real answer when these girls.

start crying and i know the internet is. mean and i know they say horrible things. they've said them to people who said. nasty things about me even even me. um. but the answer to them is do you want to. work at the gap. do you want to work at the gap. if not we got to power through this. as a family but i i hope that this show. gives some comfort to the people in new.

orleans who are suffering. right now with the no power and the. flood i hope that eventually they can. get the power back on to watch this very. very boring and incredibly unnecessary. show it's incredibly unnecessary uh to. see behind the scenes of nothing because. it's nothing right there's absolutely. nothing going on um the kardashians. are more important than the bushes. clintons obamas and trumps in terms of. american culture but this family it's.

just not that they're sweet kid the. girl's a sweet girl and i feel bad that. people on the internet keep telling her. to die. uh that's not nice but uh. you don't need a behind the scenes. you've never watched a tick tock it went. but what's really going on it's it's. unnecessary unless it gets bad. that's the thing like you know when the. dad goes. if it ever gets you know too much but. that but that's what we want to see is. too much.

too much is good. for the show. they bring like grandma in and grandma's. sitting there and. it's very interesting. because this girl's like the girl next. door she was a dancer she just popped. blew up good for her. and uh. i have no. i just i don't want anyone i don't want. anyone to be unhappy or go through. something painful right but it does make. for better television.

uh undeniably so. you know they had a whole scene where. charlie couldn't find her can opener. when i when i left when you were. watching it she was like she couldn't. find the can opener for two minutes and. that was the whole right that was the. big drama of the scene so i mean that's. kind of. if one. if the older sister killed the younger. sister. ramsay style. jonbenet. ramsey stop then we'll do season two.

but until then. let's cut the [ __ ] we don't need the. show. it's unnecessary yeah. that's all i'm saying unlike the power. of new orleans which is. necessary like we should. have it you know i mean i i imagine. i love sheath underwear it's great it is. perfect it has a. pouch for your balls. uh and your penis. and that's what people want now because. you don't chafe and it's great and.

sheath underwear dot com use promo code. tim to save 20 it's so intricate do you. know. who the owner of this company is. uh robert patron right. do you know his story i know he's like a. veteran you want to talk about an. inspiring story. like a like a guy who like literally. is like crazy inspiring. like teddy roosevelt like a guy like. that or. kind of.

this guy. robert patron. is a veteran. of the armed forces. do you know what his why are you. laughing. do you know what his job was. while he was deployed in iraq and. afghanistan i don't. his job. was to entrap. important figures. by providing them children to have sex.

with do you know what a hard job that is. do you know how morally compromising. that is yeah giving. these. important figures that we need to. blackmail. children to rape and in some cases. murder but he's saving lives at the same. time but it's saving lives because he's. getting the we blackmail them to get the. info that keeps us safe. right yeah. fight them in. provide them with children abroad. so you don't have to fight them at home.

robert patron sheath underwear dot com. promo code tim to save 20. i mean it's not hey anyone can go over. there and like shoot a bad guy. i mean anyone can do that but what's. really difficult is kidnapping children. and then providing them. to warlords that we need to blackmail uh. while they and he would have to stand. outside while the warlords raped and. murdered the kids.

but. that's real to me. that's real patriotism yeah yeah it's. not the type of patriotism uh that a lot. of people have where they're just flag. waving. this guy actually did the work. and we respect sheath underwear.com. promo code tim. bird dog shorts shorts with a built-in. silky soft inner liner that makes. underwear obsolete they are the most. comfortable shorts i have ever worn and. it's not even close you don't even have.

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soft yes it's like you're being jerked. off. or fingered in your [ __ ]. do you get fingered ever no i don't i. love being fingered because what it. reminds you is that everything in your. body can work in many different ways. you understand yes. your lack of imagination. exists because you're unwilling. to use everything. in every way.

it's crazy that you've never fingered. yourself i've never fingered never put a. finger in your [ __ ] while you came no. i have not do you know how much more. intense the orgasm is i've heard i have. friends that tell you so much you never. go back yeah you well you do go back. sometimes because not everyone wants to. do that you legally have to go back you. can't just jam a thing it's you know. bird dogs are a good short because it's.

soft and people love it they really. enjoy it if if i see someone that. doesn't have bird dogs on i go hey man. what the [ __ ] are you doing. with your life. you know. everybody has bird dogs they're. they're cool i've been wearing these. they're nice they're cool. doesn't anyone want to be cool anymore. for [ __ ] christ's sake.

doesn't anyone want a [ __ ]. uh your friend goes dude what kind of. shorts are they that's not gay at all. but you do suck each other off. later. because you have bird dogs on he's like. dude what kind of shorts are they. how do they keep your dick you'd be like. that's kind of gay but you don't really. mind that he asked that and then you. suck each other off later. and you're both married. it's weird as [ __ ]. you don't even know if you like you just.

hate your [ __ ] wife that stupid [ __ ]. you don't even like. but his dick's not that big so it fits. in your mouth and you you swallow this. [ __ ] because you do a good job you you. want to work. you work you're not brilliant but you. work. so you suck your friend's average to. less than average-sized dick and you. want your wife to see it you wish that. she had a dream and you saw him you you. swallowing his [ __ ] because you hate that.

[ __ ] and her father's money and she. holds it over your goddamn head that. you're a near do well and you're so so. [ __ ]. your kid's not that bright and she knows. she made a big mistake with you but you. were the only one that cared about her. after her breakup so every now and then. you go suck off your friend who's really. gay and enjoys it and he likes it. because it's forbidden. and it's hot not so much to you you. don't really like it in fact you've.

thought about not doing it and you would. not do it except for your stupid wife. who's ruined your life you want to look. at her one day at dinner and say i suck. [ __ ] and you want it to be real you. could say that but you want it to be. real you want to feel the pubic hair in. your throat because she's such a [ __ ]. and what bird dog shorts do. is they allow you. to get into situations like that that.

are not gay you just. you hooked up with the wrong woman it's. not gay to spite suck off your friend. because your wife is a [ __ ]. did bird dogs do it again or did bird. dogs do it again go to birddogs.com. enter promo code tim dillon and they'll. throw in a free bird dog's whistle ball. you remember those nerve vortex howler. footballs that whistle when you throw. them yeah it's that but bird dogs threw. their logo on it genius that's.

birddogs.com promo code tim dillon and. boom a free bird dogs whistle ball while. you're with your pair of bird dogs you. will not take these things off i promise. you but your friend will. you read an interesting article about. the ice cream machine at mcdonald's. they're doing a deep dive into this yeah. so the ftc is like sending letters to. owners of franchises yeah we don't know. where covet came from but we're doing a. deep dive into why the ice cream. machines at mcdonald's seem to be broken.

more often than when they're working. the priorities are skewed. mcdonald's said in a statement to the. globe that the company quote has no. reason to believe we're the focus of an. ftc investigation the company said it as. a team working on the ice cream issue. the ice cream issue. and it is deploying solutions. such as new training for employees and. regular maintenance checkup on the. machines. we've been at mcdonald's a lot yeah at.

night and what happens they usually say. the machine is down and a lot of them. say it's for cleaning. but we know that's not the case some of. them are honest and go we don't know why. it's down. it's like. during the power grid failures uh uh uh. uh when gray davis was the governor of. california oh yeah and was just forcing. the power grids to go down uh to jack. the price of power up this is kind of. what's happening at mcdonald's they. forced the machine to go down.

um on a smaller scale but maybe not i. don't know. and uh my problem with mcdonald's and. this is with a lot of things by the way. it's not only mcdonald's a lot of the. whether it's a mcflurry or a blizzard or. a concrete anything where it has ice. cream and then candy mixed through it. and you could tell me if i'm wrong when. i grew up the candy was swirled through. the entire. thing. now it is best case the top 25 are. toppings the bottom is ice cream.

and i don't know why that is. one of the one of the creepiest things. i've ever seen the mcflurry machine was. broken and uh i was in pennsylvania i. had done a show years ago and i stopped. into a rest stop mcdonald's. which means it's a mcdonald's but. there's also. bathrooms for the truckers to. and then there's get some head. and then there's also like a gift shop. for i don't know. like a postcard that says pennsylvania.

um. and it's for human traffickers and. people that need to take a piss and i. walked in i ordered a mcflurry and they. didn't have one so she hand flurried it. she took this spoon. and just like in front of you she just. she just and she this is what was spooky. she never broke eye contact with me. while she was hand flouring it as if to. say. this is my life. she just locked eyes with me and it was. an oreo mcflurry. and and and she just was like stabbing.

it with the spoon. and. and i and it was a good 30 seconds. of. unbroken eye contact with this uh. monster really. and she was just kind of flurrying it by. hand and then she just put it on the. counter. and walked away. i don't know if that was like the lowest. point in her life or if that if she was. angry that i ordered a mcflurry or.

i don't get it i don't understand it but. that's something i remember. but people are getting angry. uh at mcdonald's because people have had. enough. the things that we really. we demand in this country are. interesting at issue could be the. relationship mcdonald's has with taylor. commercial food service a company that. makes most of its ice cream machines the. journal reported that the machines which. make milkshakes soft serve ice cream and. the mcflurry. require a quote nightly automated heat.

cleaning cycle that can last up to four. hours to destroy bacteria. if that process doesn't work owners must. call a technician before they can use. the machine so there is some science. behind the answer that it's down for a. cleaning. so the science is that they're trying to. destroy the bacteria in the ice cream. machine so it's up for 20 hours and then. down for four and then it should be back. up for another 20. every day on a cycle but it should be. down. but see a lot of mcdonald's are in 24. hours oh yeah that's right so you know.

sometimes the four hours it's down it's. like 11 12. i mean i'm like hey man. what are we doing this is prime time. this is prime time for the mcflurry but. people don't care. people don't give a [ __ ] there was. another scene in the demilio thing where. they were eating hibachi now you like. hibanji i like him i've never in my life. had fun at a hibachi place it's kind of. fun to go out is it fun the they do the. volcano with the onion you don't find it. a little demoralizing.

that the chef has to do that i think he. likes it he likes making a volcano out. of onions some of them seem cheery when. they do it they like doing the flips a. lot of people seem cheery when they're. doing things that they hate. i don't like it because the number one. the food none of it's good it's true. none of it's when you get the food you. go ah. it's overcooked shrimp. that was thrown in the air yes it's not. good yeah i also don't like. that. there's people excited.

about. like the guy doing tricks with uh rice. and onions and it's odd to me and i hate. the way you all sit. like it's a show it feels like you're at. sea world watching like the. the sea lions. but you like that that's something about. it you you like you get to sometimes you. get to meet an interesting couple from. across the table. at the hibachi yeah yeah what do you. consider interesting what are you and. your wife considering well okay god help. us i think the last time i went out in. austin to a hibachi grill which was one.

time there was a guy that was uh filming. the uh guy do the choo choo train what. the hell is the choo-choo trick so what. they do is they have the you know if. anyone said to me you want to go to a. botch i would not i would like. take them out of my phone i would delete. their number it's just the most like. a basic [ __ ] like to me. saying like. i want to like it would be like it would. be it's it's this bad right yeah yeah. you you're going to dinner with someone. to go hey why don't we go. instead of dinner they go like this and.

go why don't we go to a homeless shelter. at night and i'll help out. like you get that text in the car you go. what you don't know how to respond right. you don't want to do it. but you you can't just be like hey [ __ ]. that. but. that's the tabachi text you're like oh. let's do hibachi go. hey man no. i don't want to do that. so you met a guy that was in the choo. choo train is what again. uh so you know how they usually do the. volcano with smoke coming out oh yeah we.

know sometimes they have the train. whistle which is those long wooden. whistles when you blow through it it. sounds like a train whistle yes and then. he moves it to make it look like a train. is going and usually the little kids. start you know they like it but this a. grown man was just filming it with his. phone i don't want to go to any. restaurant where children are uh happy. i never want to see a happy child at a. restaurant i want to see miserable. children sitting there. angry put now you have the technology. just give them the phone put the kid on.

the phone yeah put the kid on the phone. the big ipad let the kid figure out who. they are and what they believe while you. have dinner. you don't need to entertain the kids. with hibachi anymore do kids even like. hibachi they just want to be on [ __ ]. gaming and [ __ ] they want the shirley. temple and then the rice and you pour. all the ginger sauce on it that's what. ugh. it sounds. heinous. it's never good dude the food is never. good but when you the food at habanshi. place when you get it. it's kind of like you feel like.

like a refugee. it's like rice and over cup cooked. shrimp and like an onion that's how they. feed it to you at the end they throw the. shrimp into your mouth yeah i don't want. that where everyone opens their mouth. like birds. and then he goes around and i don't want. that. someone could choke to death like that. that's an at-risk activity. it's not right. but. whatever i have a specific set of. circumstances that i. i like i like restaurants we're starting.

to develop an elderly fetish. me and you aren't we i can think a. little bit i we really like elderly. people like i like elderly people. i like them. they're slow yeah you know they're. they're always looking to get the better. of you you have to watch them they will. cut you have to watch them and there's. something i like about that it keeps me. on my toes. but they're slow enough. and physically diminutive enough where. you can like if you had to beat one of.

them up you could yeah you're like i. could throw this guy against a wall. like i was in a walgreens and i cut i. didn't cut i just wanted change. i wanted like change of a 20. i'm like. okay and then the old guy behind me said. hey there's a line here and what was. nice about it i was like i could turn. around and whack this guy in the head. right now she was elderly i'm like i. could [ __ ] this guy up. he's not like a big. strapping in shape guy i'm like i could. turn around right now and just. [ __ ] smack this 83 year old.

right across his face. i didn't. but it's nice to know that you could. he's also probably might have beat the. [ __ ] out of me he's some like war. veteran he's some old nazi. some old florida nazi. that just knows how to [ __ ]. gavin newsom is going to survive this. recall in california. there was a machete attack. in malibu yes and i i i don't like. machete attacks but i love alliteration.

machete. malibu. um family of fi and by the way i don't. want to be i don't want to like. want to hear a story like this i don't. know who i agree with right away. you know. like the last thing i want to do i'm not. a prude i realize every now and then you. got to take out the knife the big knife. i don't know what's going on here it. says dad loses eye. hey it seems i wanna let's digest.

all of the facts. do you promise. we digest all of the facts before we. make a snap judgment. on the on these two homeless people. attacking a family with a machete. los angeles county got an argument. between a dad. and two homeless people on a beach in. malibu took an extremely violent turn. over the weekend ending with the father.

losing an eye. well here's my first thoughts. my first thoughts of this. if you're with your family. and you're. and you're like in an argument walk away. don't push. right yeah don't keep pushing. um. nobody is happy now. when you've lost an eye.

the family is. traumatized beyond belief. now. i am an advocate. for. people. getting a. full hearing so i want to know what. happened here i'm not i'm not just going. to take the reactionary stance. that a machete attack on a family is.

wrong. i'm not going to do it people want me to. do it but i love california. this is a very complex place with a lot. of layers. and we must always dig deep. to find out what. went on. the los angeles county sheriff's. department responded to a call on dan. blocker beach on sunday deputies were. told a man with four family members. when they were approached by two. suspects both believed to be homeless.

the two suspect the two homeless people. confronted the dad saying they were not. allowed in the area sparking an argument. between the three people one of the. suspects later identified as whoever i. don't want to say their name whipped at. a machete and began slashing the dad. multiple times. both suspects were found and arrested. they're being charged with attempted. murder i mean the moral of the story is. this if you're on a beach in malibu and. two homeless people tell you to leave. and you're with your family it's not.

about being tough it's not about winning. the fight it's about. my kids and my wife are here. and i gotta get uh away right from that. you know now some people would say. homeless people shouldn't live on a. beach with machetes. that is not my position. and i want to be clear about that. i want to be clear. about this. saying. that homeless people with weapons. shouldn't live on the beach.

would make me a lunatic. you understand. because where are they going to go that. would be the answer that would be the. question they go where are they going to. go. where are they going to go with their. machetes where are they going to go. well the vast majority of homeless. people don't have machetes tim. that is correct. thank you progressive friend. most of them don't have machetes and. they don't take people's eyes out. thankfully that is true do you think. they well where are they gonna go.

i don't know. are you saying that homeless people. shouldn't set up communities. that become open-air fentanyl markets. where uh people occasionally get weapons. and kill each other i'm saying there. should be a better way housing i don't. know. shut up. okay. it's a crisis. i don't know how this is uh happening.

the state of california doesn't build. any [ __ ] homes the cost per unit to. build homes is absurdly high. i don't know that's probably. environmental or system regulation or. whatever. they're setting fires to homeless people. and here's the problem i find that funny. this is why it's hard to be a comedian. and a human being. do you understand. sometimes being a comic and being human.

are diametrically opposed to each other. because as soon as i hear a homeless guy. starting a fire we laugh uncontrollably. we've been in the car so many times and. as soon as because i imagine the way it. happens. and i don't know if this is true but i. imagine it's kind of a sneak you know. it's like a guy who looks like this he. like looks both ways and then oh and. then it starts a fire and then i feel. like he just like scurries away to watch. it that makes me laugh no i don't think. it's good but it's funny it shouldn't.

happen but i like it a little you know. what i mean. it's funny what if we found out the. demilio family was starting these fires. then i'd watch the show what if charlie. dimiglio was starting fires all over los. angeles she was a pyromaniac. and that was because she she said so. much of my life is out of my control and. the only thing i can control is these. fires and i can start these fires so. late at night i leave my house and i. start fires with homeless people in. malibu that would be amazing.

perhaps revolutionary. but i don't know if she's doing that but. what if she was doing that. would i. support her and the answer is. probably but that would make it a very. interesting uh. show. malibu uh continues to worsen more. crimes and fires have been reported. recently all stemming from transients in. the area. this is fox news fox 11 news at 10. um.

the community is holding a meeting. thursday night to discuss public safety. concerns in malibu man i really am angry. that i didn't go to that meeting. because i wanted to go to that meeting. can you imagine me. i would love to go to that meeting. hello. many of you know me i've lived in the. community for years i wouldn't even say. my name i would just say many of you. know me. many of you know me i've lived in the. community for years.

malibu is a special place. god i wish i went i just look around and. go malibu is a special place that's why. we're all here because it's special. getting him you know i'd get emotional. i'd be like it's because it's special. and i'd look you know get that look and. let's stare at the people and i go. god damn it. i'm sorry but i'm [ __ ].

i'm mad. i'm angry. we don't let fires push us out. we don't let traffic stop us. but we got these [ __ ] freaks with. machetes and i'm gonna say freaks. they've got machetes they're an army of. freaks and they're cutting out people's. eyes. and i'm i'm here to say no.

i'm drawing the line. you can't cut my eye out. i'm a good [ __ ] person. and if i want to tell everybody in this. room something. right now. at one time in my life. i was homeless. it was a weekend in the early 90s. my parents had asked me to leave their. home in montecito because i was quote.

acting erratically. well what was a young man to do. out in the world alone. with a valium problem i was taking my. mother's valium. among other things. my mother is also a drug addict but it. doesn't matter i guess. because whatever. so i went down to los angeles. or up to los angeles.

and i tried to stay with a friend of. mine. but it turned out they were out of town. so i slept in my car for a night. down by venice beach back in the days. when it was safe to sleep in your car as. a white drug addict who was kicked out. of his house in montecito. i didn't get my eye cut out i got my. dick sucked. by a woman or man it doesn't matter i've. been to therapy.

no one's perfect and we don't have to. figure everything out about ourselves. but sleeping in that car. it was october it was still pretty. toasty. i was given a fish taco by a local bar. well i took it and didn't pay. the point is they didn't call the cops. there was a sense of community back then. when a drug addict from montecito. could go drive down to venice or drive. up to venice steal a fish taco and get.

his dick sucked. uh by someone still figuring out their. gender. i had a little cash i probably could. have afforded a hotel room but there was. something about sleeping in my car that. excited me. well the next day. i decided to strike it out on my own. i left my car and started wandering. around i had taken some pretty strong. acid. the majority of that day is still a blur. to me.

i remember. knocking over a porto potty because i. thought it was a robot. but not once was my eye taken out by a. machete-wielding freak. okay. i woke up on the beach sunday morning i. got in my car and i drove home to my. parents and i promised them that i would. i would do my own drugs and i wouldn't. steal theirs anymore. and i said i would i would go to the. club. and not be drunk.

and then i would i would i would go to. yale and i didn't want to be an artist. anymore and it was the best decision of. my life because artists are weird. very strange people. i can do weird sex [ __ ] and not be. creative and i learn that from a lot of. businessmen. so i just want to say at this community. meeting in malibu. [ __ ] this [ __ ] man. i want a [ __ ] i was a homeless man.

and i i want to say this and my daughter. disagrees with me and i don't care and i. still call her my daughter i don't care. what her instagram says. i'm telling you right now we need to. kill these people and light their. corpses on fire thank you that's all i. have to say that's what i would have. said that's what i would have said and. it would have been great and i think it. would have moved hearts and minds that's. that's what i would have said but i. unfortunately. i did not get a chance to speak at the.

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comedy store. uh performing there the audience is. great tonight uh. hollywood improv well that by the time. you see this that will have passed. uh corpus christi texas right please buy. tickets to these shows folks. corpus christi texas what is corpus. christi tech just please buy tickets to. the goddamn show september 9th 10th and. 11th. september 9th 10th and 11th it's. the weekend. of.

9 911. hot ticket. tim dillon in corpus christi texas. weekend of 911 man that is a hot. ticket. i'm at mesquite. street. comedy i don't know what that is. but i i'm going to be there. it's a pizzeria where i believe there's. comedy. good. we're announcing a big theater tour next. week we're going to all the places.

that you always say we should go. we're doing it we're finishing out the. year here with a great tour. and we're very excited we're announcing. it uh next week because our agent says. that we can't announce it after labor. day because it's a wash. [Music]. uh but we're announcing it and we're. very excited about it and if you haven't. seen uh this show live it's. it's a great show it's not we're not we. don't do the podcast live it's stand up.

but ben will be on most of the dates we. might bring him out on on stage in the. theater and whatever. um also the beacon which ben will be at. the beacon and he will be on stage. because in addition to stand-up comedy. at the beacon theater we're doing a live. podcast at the beacon theater in new. york city on the upper west side of. manhattan we've sold well over 2 000. tickets but there are tickets left to. the beacon if you want to come and be a. part of uh. uh his story.

his story. history his story uh you want to be a. part of it it's going to be a lot of fun. it's going to be uh exciting we might. try to get ray kump. up there. we're going to really try to do things. for the uh live show we wanted to. interview rogan but he's dead now. so what am i gonna do. with all of that what else is going on. in the world by the way did you see this. in the atlantic what else were you. speaking you were talking about.

something earlier today did you see this. in australia what they have to do with. the uh the australians have lost it this. is in south australia specifically look. at this right here whatever. let me tell you something right now. whatever. disturbs you about the australian. lockdown they like it. they don't care they're building forts. in their houses. i keep reading that four and five are. like for the lockdown they really do. like they want it they like um if you. told those people they don't have to go.

to work. it's like walking into a a clinic of of. uh anorexics and going no food today. ladies it's. i mean i mean and man i'm sure there's. male anorexia. but that's what it is. it's walking into a clinic of anorexics. and going you're not gonna believe this. but there's a storm coming we can't uh. grubhub anything and the oven's broke so. we're going without tonight. they're thrilled the people in australia.

are thrilled by this they're building. forts in their house drunk. the state will text them at random times. and therefore they will have 15 minutes. to take a picture of their face in the. location where they're supposed to be. this is straight up black mirror who. knew australia. they're the healthy country they eat. grilled vegetables and shrimp. they're they're the country that's going. this crazy.

quote i think every south australian. should feel pretty proud that we're the. national pilot for the home base. quarantine act. they've lost their minds you know my. aunt's lost her mind i told her at covid. they were on vacation she just wouldn't. stop talking about covet and then she. started talking about uh women in. afghanistan. it's so predictable the boomer brain. bleed is very predictable. like the boomers like uh it's like the. you program the boomer you know covet. covet is here new strains are coming.

women in afghanistan cannot read this is. after 15 years of not paying any. attention to afghanistan having no. thoughts about it yeah but now they're. she's offended at the women. afghanistan because boomers need a. that in. tragedy they need you cannot go through. a dinner or a weekend without a tragedy. so. covid will come up and then if not. covert they go you know women in. afghanistan are having their [ __ ]. slobbed and you're like can we eat a.

[ __ ] lobster roll we're on summer. vacation can you stop. when you don't give a [ __ ] about the. women in afghanistan can you stop. playing around. i don't know that many women in. afghanistan i probably don't even get. along with them i don't get along with. that many women in america. i'm not saying you should have their. [ __ ] slobbed off but i'm also you know. this newfound uh we're old sorry for the. women in afghanistan.

and i don't agree that they banned. abortion in texas at like 3 a.m and now. they have this new law where you have to. inform and rat on people. this is the republicans love rats too. man this idea that only liberals are. rats. informing uh. on anybody. private health individuals including. anti-abortion activists with no. connection to patients can now be sued. i'm sorry anti-abortion activists with. no connection to patients can now sue. anyone who they believe is providing.

abortion or assisting someone in. accessing abortion after six weeks this. could include healthcare workers clergy. rideshare drivers so just hey and then. there's like some some part of the law. where they'll give you a ten thousand. dollar bounty or something so you're. supposed to be hunting down. members oh here. the law doesn't just allow these. lawsuits it actively encourages private. individuals to act as bounty hunters. awarding them at least ten thousand if. they're successful so if you rat on. someone that's providing someone an. abortion it's six and a half weeks seven.

weeks whatever. you get ten thousand dollars this is. this flies in the face of all of. all these people like just stop the. ratting stop ratting on your friend who. ran into the. capital dome stop ratting period mind. your [ __ ] business this flies in the. face of that. this flies in the face of that. completely not only is it a restrictive. law that uh restricts import no listen i. don't know. there's so many pills and condoms now.

you should be able to kind of avoid but. a lot of women don't know they're. pregnant within six weeks you have a. wife. what is the deal with that with getting. pregnant. sort of yeah. no but people know they're saying i. don't i don't. i can't be involved with these with. what's happening here most women i've. never gotten uh someone pregnant. never. never a uh i was scared.

i there was this scare. there was a scare not that i'd gotten. someone pregnant but then i accidentally. performed an abortion. because i fought a pregnant woman once. but so there was a scare but the baby is. fine a little slow when you talk to him. but fine. what i'm saying is. you have sex with your wife does she get. pregnant all the time and do you flush. him. why doesn't she get pregnant.

uh you have the ovulation app that you. track so you know when a woman is uh if. they're not on the pill then you know. when they're going to ovulate so that's. a there's a a small window when a woman. can actually get pregnant and that. doesn't mean you should uh play games or. roll the dice but you but uh. a woman should be able to track these. things at this point women can only get. pregnant for a small window yeah when. they're ovulating. you know all we hear is how magical. these women are i don't i don't get it.

trans women can get pregnant whenever. i should get pregnant. i should have a baby yeah like implanted. in me can that happen uh not that i've. seen uh i saw pete buddha judge and uh. chaston just had two babies well but. there adopted them i could adopt a kid. that's [ __ ] easy yeah who wants that. i want my own genes passed through i'm. gonna give a [ __ ] about some kid that. needs a home i'm talking about passing. on my [ __ ] talent.

i need a kid that's gonna do this show. when i'm dead in three years. what what what what are we gonna i don't. care about adopting a kid some sad sack. of [ __ ] whose drug addict mother. couldn't keep him i want my own [ __ ]. jeans my [ __ ] talent. i gotta find a surrogate yeah. legit. i gotta find a surrogate to to groom an. air a successor to this patreon dynasty. what kind of woman would you choose. very good looking. southern knows your place.

obedient. not bright. a big. blonde. [ __ ] southern woman yeah a trad wife. a trad wife uh suburbs of dallas. ding dong. big tits yeah. not a thought in her head. because nothing would get in the way of. my genes. she would just provide the physical. infrastructure. for my genes to get passed to the child.

so he could yell and scream. now chasing and chasing and big. who's his name big buddha bigglesby. buddha judge is having what kind of kids. do they have. are they white let's see the picture is. black and white i wonder if that was. intentional of course it was what kind. of children are what is the race of the. children hmm. my godson is half asian we should get. him on the show.

i want my godson to come in here right. now he's a quarter chinese. do you know i found that out. he is a quarter his mother is half. chinese he's a quarter chinese that's. great news i want him to be half. i want him to be. penelope rose and joseph august hmm. what does that mean what do you think. you can see the tips of their heads here. they look like white babies to me i'm. saying bring him to the studio in weho i. want to put this asian on the on on the.

uh he's a killer he's very cute. they look white to me i don't know about. know what you're thinking well i'm happy. for them i mean listen good for them the. cia. also needs children oh they're also. parents to two dogs truman and buddy ugh. by the way if you have more than two. dogs cut it out. right like did the millions have four or. five dogs cut it out with that. it's it's a zoo. two dogs and that's enough and that's.

too much yeah not five or six dogs. there's something wrong. right yeah i mean i mean the one person. we know has six dogs is you know. michelle. oh well now but michelle keeps killing. them you know michelle they remember. remember her maid killed the dog. oh yeah her maid killed that little dog. the great thing about michelle is. michelle because she's such a bad. uh parent of the animals is that every. year or two one of them dies so that's. good. because it keeps them down.

uh keeps the numbers down but you know. over five dogs is just ridiculous i. think whitney has five at this point you. know whitney doesn't even know what's. going on. you know i mean it's like. i mean talk about ivermectin. how that that one. she's like making fun of she was like i. was on a phone or she's like talk about. ivermectin being for horses i'm like.

your whole thing is horses. that's your whole thing. shouldn't you be supportive of this. how can i find you sorry if you let's. get a surrogate from me on the show. well it said they were trying for a year. to adopt so i think it's going to be. easier to do a surrogate than adopting. because adopting takes a bit here's the. reason that it's harder for them to. adopt. it's because. like.

i think adoption is very difficult in. this country anyway. but i think i would be able to adopt. because i have the profile of someone. that you want raising a child. you understand. some i'm not gay i just have sex with. men i'm not gay. i'm not in the government i don't work. for the central intelligence it's weird. that because he works for the cia of. course uh and it's odd that he they you. know. they can't just give him one of the mk.

kids but nobody wants that right nobody. wants some drone at breakfast some. rosemary kennedy drone eating oatmeal. you go yeah this is one of the kids that. we just let loose for the military. here's one of the stranger things kids. raise them. by the way when does that [ __ ] show come. back oh i saw the next season was uh by. the way. stop pretending you care about ozark. by the time ozark comes back. i'm gonna watch it. but. don't ever mention ozark.

in the same way in the same sentence as. the sopranos again i will i will kill. the person who does that. mentions it in the same sentence as the. wire. ozark it's a clown festival the. writing's atrocious and the acting. lauralini and bateman do a great job the. kids do a good job too but the writing's. goofy it's downright silly. one of the kids is a fan of the show or. used to be.

the meth kid. the tall skinny kid who looks uh. you know looks like he's a meth head. yeah yeah. and the girl listening to the show too i. think with uh the one who looked kind of. like laura linney okay but the reality. is. it's not good the show's not good and. none of you should have careers after. that in my opinion. none of you should have careers. stranger things when does this come out. it says 2022 who gives they're all 38.

they're all 40. yeah what is it millie bobby brown how. old is she now i don't know she's she's. like elder 17 though. she's elderly. you know i don't like that finn wolford. i don't trust him. finn wolford yeah he's oh this guy yeah. i don't like it. i just don't trust him. he's untrustworthy. i don't know why. yeah i don't treat he seems like someone.

would steal from your house. and they seem like someone would take. things. he'd like take things that he didn't. even want. he has a look of someone who would take. things he didn't want or need and then. dispose of them later. i could be wrong and yet i never am i. never am when i said charlie dimiglio's. a pyromaniac and she's lighting fires. with homeless people in malibu i'm. probably correct. i don't know why. i like the fire i like to watch the.

smoke. i'm sorry you've jeopardized everything. this whole [ __ ] family. you're supposed to dance and we make. millions of dollars. now you're [ __ ] starting fires in. malibu. i like to feel. and it makes me feel. no one no one knows i like the fires so. they can't they can't comment. they can't say she didn't even really. light the fire i bet she's fake i bet. the fires she didn't even light it i bet.

someone else slid in. i can't [ __ ] believe this my. daughter's and fire is a malleable. i hope. i hope to god she is. what if. charlie dimiglio immediately when she. was legal at 18 started dating o.j. simpson. like if they hey demilia family you. probably don't listen to this i don't. blame you.

but listen up if you want to be big. kardashian level big one of your. daughters has to date o.j. dixie. whoever. whenever they're legal they have to date. o.j simpson. dump that other kid. and date. o.j. if you want to hit show if you don't. want to hit show. oh dixie's 20. i thought she was the. younger one no she's older. and uh she needs to start dating o.j. simpson to make the show interesting.

yeah yeah i would watch that every day i. would fight people. and lose maybe who prevented me from. watching that show. where o.j simpson. and dixie dimiglio dated. i mean it's got to be. legit. like i like oj like the father's gotta. be like oh jace he's nothing but good to. dixie. he supports a music career and the. mother's gotta be like you know he.

supports her and my kids yeah i want. them supporting oj supports charlie goes. well. o.j is a lot older than dixie but he's. been like an older brother to me. he shows me how to throw a football. i really love oj. sometimes people on the internet say bad. things about oj. but i don't believe them because. sometimes people on the internet say bad. things about me. but i like oj.

i can't believe it my daughter in malibu. they're saying you attacked a family. with a machete now you cut out some. guy's eye. no i did it. you have to believe me. well we all thought tick tock was going. to be over we all thought the pandemic. was over and here we are. fall of. 2021 yeah these kids own our lives and.

the pandemic we have uh a variant a week. here coming in so i guess it just never. ends you're living in the demelia. variant there's nothing you can do. tick tock's not going anywhere bryce. hall's gonna be elected the governor of. california. and uh there's just gonna be a new. variant every week so there's there's. nothing you could do. we're we're in uh we're in the future is. now we're here. it doesn't seem to be changing.

but. hey. it's. what. we. deserve. truly. like. this is. the type of show. that you get. but and i don't even mind it i just have. ways to make it better. the father has to cheat on the mother. with and start banging an 18 year old. take doctor.

dixie has to start dating o.j simpson. charlie has to start starting fires in. malibu with homeless people. that's what has to happen. that's what has to happen. little huddy has to admit he's actually. a vampire and that he can only. uh come if he's drinking blood he has to. admit that he has a blood fetish. then i will watch the show.

timberlandcomedy.com our our big tour is. being announced in. two weeks. no a week a week it's being announced in. a week. uh tim littlecomedy.com grab those. tickets to corpus christi texas also. baltimore maryland at mcgoobies i. believe that's sold out god i don't want. to go there um i love it i'm kidding i. love it crab. uh. we've got a big deal uh. uh ontario california the ontario improv.

uh that's a hellscape but but come out. there but we got a big theater in l.a. too we're playing the night after. thanksgiving i know i shouldn't be. announcing it but the night after. thanksgiving we have a very big theater. in l.a that we're doing we're very. excited to do it. so. it is what it is get those dates out of. here do you have anything to plug i. always plug everything i'm doing but i. forget that you have a very interesting. life. uh you can follow me on instagram at ben. avery's good you have breakdowns every.

now and then where you like put up like. this is the drip and you put up like. you're in a shirt or something that was. funny. yeah. and then if you follow me on twitter. same handle uh i post usually links to. the patreon episodes there oh. good you gonna see your wife she's out. in l.a right now is she watching the. kids watching the kids but tomorrow. we're all gonna go to dinner me and my. brother you. don't tell people what we're doing. people know they're gonna show up. and try to kill me.

for for. negatively talking about the and by the. way i don't even i just want to help the. demilia yeah yeah. i'm only trying to ever help. i want you to have a big show but you. have to let me help. man if oj came in and like helped start. the fire oh my god if oj. if dixie was singing to oj. and the song is called second chances. and she's like second chances you know.

how dixie sings she's actually not a. horrible singer she's pretty decent and. she goes second chances. sometimes it's you know they write songs. in five minutes these idiots you know. the the people that write the songs they. just hand them to her on her phone and. she reads it she's like second chances. second chance has given us the address. to bring roland. second chances. i love you. and you just say oj just like singing. along he's just bobbing his head. and she's like i don't care what they.

say about you. i don't care what they say that you've. done i love you. i love you so much second chances and. then oj's in the back just like yeah and. charlie's like dixie's really killing it. she's killing it and she's like and. she's like and then the series. it ends like this ready she's fighting. with her parents and she's like i'm. having oj's baby. [Laughter]. that's the way to [ __ ] wrap up a.

season dixie goes i'm having oj's baby. and then o.j and o.j has to kill noah. back who she dates yeah yeah they take. that guy oh just to kill him but it's. not proven. and it's like she's like i don't care. that they say you killed noah back. he might have. so again. it's just i have so much creative. constructive criticism for that family.

you know. if it ever feels like it's too much. you know and then then the father has to. still say that he still has to say that. once everything's crazy he doesn't mean. like dixie's dating o.j right yeah she's. having oj's baby. charlie's in jail for lighting the. malibu fire and the father has to look. at the camera and go you know if it ever. gets too much i'll just take him back to. connecticut. if it ever gets too much. but we're gonna get through it together. as a family.

you know. uh grab some tickets folks. patreon.com the tim dillon show if you. want the bonus content we post one uh. episode a week on tuesday and then for a. higher tier we do an extra. uh. video episode uh every month as well. patreon uh dot com slash tim dillon show. amazed at the success on that and it's. how many people have connected with the. show and like the show and who knows. maybe this advice will get to the right. ears and something really good can.

happen i hope so r.i.p. joe. i miss him i miss him dearly. but. this is what happens in life. in life. we all have challenges. right. and. it's hard. to know. what the route is going to be. no one knows the day it ends.

you just live a good life while you're. here. isn't it the truth yeah it is you just. live a good life while you're here. and he did that. and. r.i.p to him and when spotify will. finally admit that he is not with us. anymore. um i'm sure we will do a uh a memorial. uh uh you know sure. jaco willink will speak. david goggins will run backwards through.

the to the funeral. just david doggins running backward. jordan peterson just weeping. it's. there's nothing wrong with weeping it's. not a little weep he's just crying. michaela peterson there just sitting in. the front row eating salted pork snack. just eating you know dried meat. just staring at the casket. you know. tony hinchcliffe's sitting there in a. cowboy hat just a whole cowboy outfit.

me and you. sitting there in the back. you know barry weiss. you know sitting there wrapped in his. the flag of israel. i mean just. you know. bernie sanders like [ __ ] this. guy endorsed me he endorsed the most. left-wing candidate for president ever. and then the elizabeth warren liberals. called him a racist transfo bernie just. shows up. you know.

brendan schaub is there. everybody's there yeah you know. it's just i so i imagine that's what. will happen. when we can finally. when this information is uh. is out there would jamie be there. jamie is would be on the. run because jamie's lost his mind. do you think when joe retires jamie. thinks he's gonna get into the seat and. be like all right everybody let's go.

now what you've been really waiting for. the jamie experience. no you pull it up. he turns around. he's like i bet in the studio like late. at night when joe's gone jamie just sits. in the chair and goes you pull it the. [ __ ] up. you pull it up how about that. you pull it up. i'm a mountain man.

oh. all right folks. go find us on the internet goodbye.