#242 - You're Money Now | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim. Dylan Show live from Amish country or. wherever the [ __ ] we are. We're back in. the studio next week. We've had to make. these makeshift studios to try to just. keep the YouTube uh views going. Uh you. know, if it was up to me, I'd do an. audio only episode, but we know how much. that angers you people. Uh, so we've. made a uh a studio here in the middle of. an Airbnb rented under someone else's. name uh in uh Reutersford, Pennsylvania,

where I will be performing in a heated. dome. I will be performing standup. comedy in a heated dome in the middle of. a field in Royersford, Pennsylvania. uh tonight, tomorrow and Sunday and then. uh flying back to Texas which is healed. hopefully from the snowstorm. Um. that's what we got here. Pennsylvania to. me, with all due respect,

one of the most worthless states in the. union, the food is atrocious. It's gas station. food. Cheese stakes are gross. Tasty cake is you can taste the. chemicals. You can see the you can you. can see the guy the in the factory. turning on the machine that puts the. layer that, you know, little quarter. inch of chemical icing on top of it. I. mean, it's not good. Everything. food-wise people take pride in here is.

something that comes out of a gas. station. People love Waw Wa. People love. Waw Wa. They act like Waw Wa. And I'm. not immune to the appeal of Waw Wa. I. get it. You know what I mean? It's a ga. It's a gas station that's that has. meatballs. So, I understand why people love Waw Wa. so much because you can get a sandwich. at the gas station. And I understand. that and I've I've even said nice things. about Waw Wa. Um, and I, you know, Big. Jay loves I I get it. You know, so if.

you're on a road trip and there's. nothing else around and you find you. stumble into a Waw Wa, you know, good. You can get some uh, you know, a couple. of sandwiches and some chips. It's, you. know, I remember once me and Dan Soda. were on the road and there was a Wawa. and we walked in and there was a little. chocolate pudding that came with cookie. dough bits to put on top and um I had. them and I was struggling to put the. cookie dough bits in the pudding and I.

Dan Soder was like kind of helping me. and I was like be careful. He goes I. know to you these are diamonds. I was. like be very careful. I get it. I just. don't you know Dan's driving now 45. minutes to get cheese stakes to get. stakums and cheese whiz uh on a hogy. roll that he's going to then drive back. I mean it's am I supposed to be. impressed by this? Am I supposed to get. excited about this? And people get mad. at me when I when I call this out, but. is this is this is this the type of.

place I'm supposed to feel lucky to be? I don't believe so. But I'm sure the. audiences are good. The Philly audiences. are always great. And uh we're just. getting to the end of the road here. You. know, we've been to some of the greatest. cities in America. We've been to. Cleveland, Ohio, Columbus, Ohio, Providence, Rhode Island, and now. Royardsford, Pennsylvania. It's been a. string of de-industrialized. uh opium addicted hell holes, but. comedyy's been really, really good. Columbus is not that per se, but it's.

kind of bleak and desolate, and it's, you know, Les Wexner is still very much. running the show. I mean, here's the. thing about guys like Les Wexner. They. at least built a real business. I mean, everything else they did, the human. trafficking, the drug running. I mean, they at least built a company. Everyone. that has $100 million now is just like. Bitcoin, it's some gimmick. But Les. Wexner actually built I mean, Victoria's. Secret, you can buy a bra like it. actually exists. You can go in and get a.

pair of fuzzy slippers. It's it's. actually a functional business. It's not. some pretend opaque hard to understand. uh you know cryptocurrency that moves up. and down uh you know because of uh Elon. Musk's tweets. This is an actual and. sure the cargo planes get used for blow. And sure they they wash the dark money. We get it. But it it's real. It's not. Lindsay Lohan's NFT. Do you know that.

Lindsay Lohan now has a nonfgeable. token? Lindsay Lohan, who was, can I say never relevant? Lindsay Lohan. was relevant when she was a child. Right. Right. Yeah. And then I mean it's just. been a succession of rehabs, a. succession of you know photos of her. collapsed on someone's lawn and now. she's selling a non-f fungeible token.

for what purpose other than to just bang. her fans over the head. That small group. of people that think it's funny to own a. Lindsay Lohan NFT. What is the artwork. on it? What does it even look like? She's holding up a diamond. the Ethereum. diamond that the crypto she loves and. that's it. It's just covering her eye. like that. Does she have real money in crypto? Apparently, she's all into crypto for. the past year now. Her and Soulja Boy. have been going hard on the crypto and. the NFT.

How much is her NFT? How much is a. Lindsay Lohan uh token? She sold this for uh 17,000, but she. donated it all to uh Save the Children. But this is a tax scam. She's trying to this. Let's be very. honest about this. This is a tax scam. And can you explain because you were. explaining it to me how if you have. these NFTts and you sell them and by the. way just because it is a scam and I'm.

identifying it as such doesn't mean or. shouldn't restrict me from getting. involved in doing it. So, don't don't be. one of those people who go, "Oh, last. episode you said it was a scam and the. next episode you're selling it to us.". Don't be that. Don't do that now. And we. don't have one. But I'm saying if we if. we're to give one or get one, if we're. to pump one up, we might. Ours is not going to be a scam. Theirs. is a scam. Do you understand? Lindsay. Lohan's a deflating balloon. We're on.

our way up. So, if you get involved on. the ground floor, what we're doing, that's a good move. But Lindsay Lohan, I. mean, there's nothing left here. What's. the last thing she did? Laurel Canyon. with Brett Eastston Ellis. That guy who. says, "Uh, Tim, can you do my podcast in. three years?" And I go, "What?" He goes, "We have uh it's a Patreon only podcast. We'd like to book you in November. Me. and my boyfriend are huge fans." I'm. like, "How about because I I asked him. to do my show." I'm like, "How about you. do my show because it's relevant." Okay.

What's the last thing he's written, by. the way? What's the last thing he's. done? Brett Eastston Ellis. What's the. last thing he's done? Laurel Canyon with. Lindsay Lo. What? She was in that, I. think. Yeah, she was. She was. And a porn star. And I. And And by the way, Brett's done some. great stuff. So, we're not No shade to. him. But when I ask you to be on the. show, say yes. Don't tell me you have a. Patreon only podcast. You'd like me to. do it. Oh, he he released his first piece of. non-fiction. And it was that one called.

White. It's a collection of essays on. contemporary political culture. Remember. it was really like Yeah, who cares? Anyway, I'm doing BFFs with Dave Porto. and Josh Richards. I'm very excited. about that. I like Portoy. We make fun. of the Barcel people sometimes, but I do. like them a lot and uh I think they're a. force for good overall in the media. landscape. So, we'll be doing that. podcast on Tuesday. Very happy about. that. And Brett Eastston Ellis, the. offer is still on the table. So, if you. and your boyfriend have the time, you.

could come in and chat with us about. what it was like to make Laurel Canyon. with Lindsay Lohan and uh where you. think her coin is headed. Now, how many. Lindsay Lohan non-f fungeible tokens are. there? So far, there's one. There's one token for 17 grand. And who. bought that? Just some guy some guy. Uh his name is. uh let me let me find his name here. Because because what they do is they buy. it and then someone outbids them because. so people don't buy them to own them, they buy them to then sell them for a. higher price. So they get traded all the.

time. Like Mark Cuban right now is do. you know Mark Cuban is selling his. tweets as as NTFS. I've heard that. Yeah. Or NFTs, excuse me. When I said this was the era of fake. business, I had no idea how correct I. was. I had no idea how precient that. rant would be and how far this would go. We're selling nothing. I mean this is. literally nothing now. celebrities did. What did Kings of Leon do? They just. sold. sold an album for six million. Yeah.

I mean, this is just it seems like from far away. a bad faith attempt to milk the last. amount of remaining money from your fan. base. It seems to me like these are people. that are trying to just bang their fan. base over the head, ring the register, sell them absolute horseshit, get. involved in a cultural moment, build.

this mania, convince people that this is going to be. a thing when they know it's not. It seems like a horrible thing to do. How would we get involved in doing it if. we wanted to? What would be the first step? Your your agent actually just texted me. a company that we might team up with. We didn't fire him yet. Where is And what? Because to me it.

seems. why what has Kings of Leon done that's. worth $6 million. and whatever. I don't I don't whatever. the Kings of Lyon or whatever. It's fine. Yeah. What's their song? Isn't it I GIVE YOU. SOMEBODY? OH, YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. 6 million. What is it? A token which is. the Kings of Leon. It's the album itself. Like Soulja Boy. is selling songs. So you get an album for $6 million. Yeah. So you own it, but everyone else.

it. but everyone else could listen to it. But you're the one who owns it. You own it. So you can do Well, this. seems interesting. Well, well, well, well, maybe maybe I was too rash in my. condemnation of this. So, I own the. Kings of Leon album. I bought it for $6. million. I could distribute it how I. want. No. Well, it's just available to the public, but you're the one who Tim Dylan owns. the King of Leon album. So, what is ownership mean if everyone. can listen to it?

I don't. That's what my problem is. I don't know. what ownership means. What's the equity. in owning something? It's. like clout, I guess. I don't understand this at all. I'm ter. I'm confused scam. I think. it's absolutely a tax scam. This makes. Bitcoin seem like the most legitimate. thing I've ever heard. It's absolutely a. tax scam because you were telling me as. long as you sell one of these, you can. and and you can prove that you know what. the cost is. Yes. You you have 10 of them. And this. is Ray Cump confirmed this is probably.

true and you guys are going to go off in. the comments probably and say we don't. know what the [ __ ] we're talking about. But if you have 10 of them, you sell one. for 10,000, you can then donate the. other nine and then you can say you're. at a loss of 90,000 because it's. appraised at 10,000 each and then that's. a tax write off and it all goes to. charity. I don't know if that's true. I. don't know if that's true. Ray Crump. said it's legit. So if I sold if we could sell a. nonfgeable token on this show. and I sold it to the fans and and I.

let's say we get $20,000 worth and I. sold one for a brand. Mh. I could write off the other 19,000. Yeah. Mhm. Yeah. And especially if you're donating. everything to charity, too. Now you're. looking at, you know, so. I can donate the 19,000 to charity. Or it's also a write-off because it's a. loss because you you could have gained. is it act so I'm actually donating the. money to charity. I'm not giving them. the token, right? Yes. I'm not handing Lindsay Lohan's not.

handing to save the children. She's not. handing the children the token with her. with the diamond. She's giving them the Ethereum that was. used to buy the NFT, which has a cash value. Correct. Okay. And then she gets to write it off. It's not confusing at all, folks. The. American economy is in great shape. And. I don't want you to say it's not. I. don't want you to say it's not. People are buying a lot of digital real. estate and video games, too. So, that's. another NFT. It It can come in like. digital. Is this a way for cancel people.

to come back? Can Kevin Spacy launch a. coin? Can Harvey Weinstein launch a. coin? Can Harvey Weinstein have an NFT? I mean, let's think about this. Are is. there a way for these people to get back. in the saddle through NFTTS, nonfgeible. tokens? Is there a token market for. people like OJ Simpson, who's really not. even canceled, but I mean for people. like Morgan Wallen, who said the N word. in his driveway. Can he have a. nonfgeable token? Can he just have an N? Can Morgan Wallen sell a token with an N.

on it and that somehow you would invest. in it and you would own the N word that. Morgan Wallen said? Could you own Could. he just sell the clip of him yelling the. N-word and then you own the N I own. Morgan Wallen's nword. You could tell. your friends that when you went to. dinner, you say, "I own Morgan Wallen's. nword." And you could listen to it, but. I own it. And they go, "That's clout. That's pretty cool. Is there a way to. Is there a way to do something like. that? Can you just sell something you've. said? Yes, you could sell just something you've.

said. You own the audio version. I could. sell the corporate steakhouse rant. I could say the Tim Dylan corporate. steakhouse rant is going for $16,000. and if you want to buy it, you own it. now. Everyone could listen to it, but. you own it. You now own my words. So, I could sell more than just. pictures. I could sell audio. I could. sell an album, a comedy album. I could. sell something like that. a gif of you. just dancing. Mark Cuban sold a gif of. him dancing in the Dallas Mavericks. jersey.

I wonder if like Rockefeller and. Carnegie and Vanderbilt came back. I. wonder how disgusted they'd be at the. new crop of people that have taken their. place. You know what I mean? Like I I. wonder like guys that built bridges and. roads and oil refineries would sit down. and go, "And now what are we doing?" And. Mark Cuban goes, "I'm selling this. It's. me dancing." And uh I mean I'm wondering. if they would be absolutely horrified by. the new crop of business mogul that we. have now. Elon Musk who's you know.

selling NFTts on Mars. He's selling nonf. fungeible tokens. You can go to Didn't. his thing blow up the other day. Oh his spaceship. Yeah. I believe yeah. So that's what you do as a billionaire. You just blow up spaceships while. everyone on Earth crawls around without. health insurance. Is that kind of the. society we've set up? Am I wrong? We. have billionaires just blowing up. spaceships in the sky while like. unemployed school teachers just crawl. around on the floor looking for [ __ ]. painkillers.

I mean, is that not the world we've got? If if you were an alien and you landed. and somebody explains society to you, you go, "Yeah, these guys have billions. of dollars." You go, "Well, why?" They. go, "Well, they blow up spaceships. They they take spaceships up into the. sky and blow them up." I know Elon Musk. is a smart guy, but he doesn't retweet. me, so I don't give a [ __ ] But what I'm. saying is like these non-f fungeible. tokens we so we've entered into a very. interesting. So now everything is currency. Yes. Is that kind of where we're going here? Everything's Now I know there's a.

Bitcoin expert in a com in the YouTube. comments because they have all they have. all the time in the world these people. that are going to yell at me and tell me. I'm an idiot. But I'm admitting I'm an. idiot because I don't know about these. things. I'm unaware. I'm learning about. them on the fly. You see? Like you don't. know much about them either, idiot in. the comments because these are new. things. Okay. So, I'm just learning. So, everything is currency. Yes. And everything can be traded and. you just got to find a group of people. that are willing to see the value in. something.

So, as long as someone sees the value in. something, no matter how absurd it is. Mark Cuban dancing. What is Why does. that have value that Mark Cuban is. dancing in a gif? I don't know. Remember after the whole uh Wall Street. Bets thing happened and Mark Cuban's. like. This this got people like my son to. start taking an interest in stocks. I'm. like, doesn't you being a billionaire. have get him to take interest in this? What.

I mean, it's very interesting to me. Uh. where does this end? How and where does this end? Does is. this a massive crash? It has to be. I mean, does this just. bottom out? Lindsay Lohan has an Does. anyone else have NFTs? Who else has an. NFT? Soulja Boy is big on the He's selling. songs called Crank That. Um, also the Neon Cat guy. Do you. remember Neon Cat? I do not.

He was the It's the Pop-Tart cat that. shoots rainbows. That went for 477,000. It was a rare GIF of the neon cat with. the pop. He's a pop-tart body and it's a. cat's head. It's like a internet. like meme. Um. I I mean half a million dollars. Yeah. For the poptart with the cat's head. Neon Cat. Yeah. So that person gets to own Neon Cat. Just one GIF. And so um th those are.

kind of the people on the front lines of. the NFT world. Could Jlane Maxwell start at NFT? There's so many platforms they'd. probably take her. Like, why not? Why. shouldn't. Why can't she sell an NFT of of of Bill. Clinton [ __ ] an underage girl and. just say, "Here, this is this isn't Do. you want to own Bill Clinton [ __ ] an. underage girl?" The CIA is going to have.

a nonfgeable token very soon, by the. way. The CIA will just start slinging. NFTts. Here. Here is uh you now own a GIF of the. cigarette girl at Abu Grae with the. leash guy. You now own that. $250,000. You know why? Here's a gif of people uh. putting the bombs in the uh building the. thermite in the buildings of 911. Here's. a gif of that. 380,000.

proof it was an inside job. just went. for 380,000. I own the [ __ ] 911 NFT, man. Wow. There's just not much to say. I I I. would like to maybe get involved because. everyone else is getting involved and I. feel left out. And just because this is a scam and it's. not based on anything, doesn't mean we. shouldn't figure it out and participate. You understand? So, next week, if we have an NFT, I.

don't want all the people that have. listened to this to start. I don't know, getting angry. We may have to delete. this episode, I guess, next week and. just claim that everyone who's. experiencing it said it because our NFT. would be good. If we had an NFT, we'd. link it to maybe a project that was. coming up or something. I don't know. I. have a bit I I have people that I talk. to about Bitcoin that might know more. about this than I do, you know? I don't. know. I just I just think it's an.

interesting development in the uh. economic cycle of our country. Lindseay. Lohan is big into cryptocurrency. I mean, does that does that not worry. anyone? Does that not scare anyone about. the future of cryptocurrencies that. Lindsay Lohan is out there selling it. and she's. I mean, I don't know, man. We do what we. can do. Zero grams of sugar, 13 to 14. grams of protein, and only four net. grams of carbs in each serving. Only 140.

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strains. I'm just trying to I'm just When can I. get out of this country? When can I fly. to somewhere else is my question. I'm. trying to get out of We've been stuck. for a year in America. [Music]. Something just a window just the wind. blew something. So, I'm sure that'll be.

uh Now Dan will be off Airbnb and those. pieces of [ __ ] went at me again. Yes. I cannot believe that. Do you have that. screenshot saved? Yeah. First of all, they called me fat, which. is abbleist. So, I don't know why. they're still on Airbnb if they're. harassing people. They call me fat, which is abbleist. Um, literally the quote was, "When Tim. Dylan's fat ass abbleist, not only. trashes your home, but breaks your. furniture and then denies it, lies,

literal lies, Ben, you were there.". Yeah. And calls you a desert dyke [ __ ] That I. did. Calls you a desert dyke [ __ ] [ __ ] to. the world, and threatens to burn your. house down. and thousands of his. followers threaten to kill you. Good. job. And says, "Your furniture looks. like it was made by drug." And of. course, no one's threatening to kill. them. We're doing bits. They don't get. the humor. It's dark humor. Uh and says, "Your furniture looks like it was made. by drug addicts." Absolutely does. Thank. you, Joe Rogan, for having our back. We'll send you all the free weird no.

back chairs and let you come hang and. enjoy our view anytime you want. Out. [Music]. I don't have the time. They're trying to. ally themselves with my friend Joe. Rogan. What a what a slimy bunch of rug. munchers. They should absolutely. I'm just I'm just saying that uh there's. a lot of cool things happening. We might. we might do more with that wallet idea. That was a great that got two million. views. Chimath retweeted it.

A lot of cool stuff. came out of that. You know, it's tough. You're on the road, man, and. it's very difficult to stay sane and. sobriety, which I have 11 years of. sobriety. You really understand why. people on the road that do comedy on the. road just stay on the road drinking. forever because there's not much else to. do. A lot of these guys go on the road, they [ __ ] some strangers, and they stay. there for 20, 25 years. They don't build. any type of fan base outside of that.

They don't put any content out and they. just die in like uh you know I don't. know the lobby of a lintita or. something. It's a real bad life. Comedy. is really a horrible life for most. people that do it which is why you know. people just die. They drop dead. The. greatest comedians ever Greg Geraldo and. Patrice O'Neal these people die. It's. because they they can't look at highways. anymore. They can't. I mean, it's just. hard to check into another [ __ ]. whatever Marriott Courtyard on the side.

of a [ __ ] highway. And I'm grateful. that the fans are coming out. The shows. are so much fun and we have so much fun. at the shows, but the idea that you're. just living out of a suitcase in in. these situations is like I can't do it a. lot. I I'm not going to do it a lot. I. want to be back in my studio. I want to. be back. You know, we're going to do. these mini tours like four times a year. or something, but like we're we're we're. not this is not going to be on the road. 35 40 weeks a year. I I can't do it. I. don't I I can't physically do it. I.

mean, this last year of the pandemic has. allowed me to like make and create so. much cool [ __ ] that's seen such a wide. audience to just I mean, I just can't I. can't do it. I can't be out here. I. mean, it's hard to eat healthy. I mean, what you go to these clubs and the. salads are like less healthy than. anything else because it's they're like. dowsed in ranch dressing. They have like. deep fried bacon, you know, on it's like. there's nothing you could do. And. there's no gay men. Gay men aren't.

really huge fans of my comedy, which is. fine, but they also like for gay guys, there's no benefit. Straight guys, there's more of a benefit because. straight women come to comedy shows. Gay. guy gay men don't go to comedy clubs. I. would never go to a comedy. If I wasn't. a comedian, I would never go to a comedy. club. They're just disgusting. And I. mean, not the ones I perform at, but the. other ones are bad. I mean, just gay guy. wouldn't do it. Like, you wouldn't go. out and eat that type of food in that. type of environment. Like, if you had. ever said to me before I was a comedian, like, "Hey, man, you want to go to. Chuckles or something?" I'd be like,

"No, I don't. No, no, no, I don't. I I. just you know there's there's it's an. environment that it's built for what we. do which is make people laugh but it's. like it's not most comedy clubs are not. places you want to spend lots of time in. about an hour and a half and you go get. me out truly and then there's some. amazing ones that are great and you know. I'm not trying to be ungrateful here and. I'm so happy that they exist but I'm.

also just being honest as a human on. earth dang it. Like they're they're. disgusting. Most of them. Do you know. what I mean? Do you see what I'm saying? They're gross. They're absolutely filthy and. disgusting. And some of the people that. work there are some of the most. depressing people you'll ever meet. I. mean, they come in and every every their. lives are just a succession of horrors. you're in the green room and these. people come in and start telling me. they're divorced and the dog's sick and. every you know and everybody's dead and.

dying and remember this guy and then I'm. uh I'm somewhere in the the South and. the guy's coming in and he's telling me. how many country music stars coming to. the place and he's like he's like you. know Dirk's Bentley. I'm like no I. don't. Can you leave? I'm trying to get. my head together here so I can go out. and entertain people but I get it. Keep. And by the way, support these places, please. I'm not saying not to support. them be because they are real. businesses. They're not, you know, it's. not a nonfgeible token. It's an actual. place. You're seeing actual live.

standup. One of the last bastions of. free speech. But let's also be a little. honest about what a lot of these places. are. A lot of them are in malls. and a lot of them are just not. really. great. Some of them are, but some of them are. not. And I hope they survive. And I want. them to survive, but maybe they'll. evolve. Maybe they'll evolve and the. food will get better and they'll look a.

little cooler. I don't know what the. next iteration of these things are, but. like you know, I mean, the real bad ones are like like. bonkers in like a hotel. you literally. like a hotel conference room where you. get up and like they've the people that. like would have gone to the live Gator. Park that day have been persuaded to go. see you do comedy in the uh in the uh. conference room of a uh uh like uh. Howard Johnson's hotel and they they're.

called bonkers. Can can you imagine? And they're in. Florida and support them. but can you imagine. One room's at like a Bass Pro Shops or. something, right? WHY NOT? WHY NOT? And. then you go in and you earn like I mean. I'm earning good money because people. are buying tickets, but you go into like. bon bonkers and you're on a makeshift. stage in a in a conference room in like.

Florida and you're saying to yourself, it just feels old. A lot of the way these places are. configured, there's they have not. evolved since the 80s. Like the comedy. club has not made a massive transition. and it shouldn't be that Here's the. thing. It shouldn't evolve that much. Like it should I like the older ones. where it's darker, smaller, low. ceilings, but like some of the newer. ones or the ones that were built in the. 80s and 90s, they they look like like a.

high-end bowling alley. Like imagine. that. It's like a high-end bowling. alley, you know? And it it just so I. think the next run after we do some of. these clubs, which I love, we might get. into music venues. We might try to find. cool weird places. I did a theater in. Toronto once. It was great. It was like. cold. People like vaping in the theater. Everyone had their jacket on. It felt. like a homeless shelter, but like it was. a lot of fun. Um, but the comedy club. has not evolved much in the in the time.

that and I get it. The last year has. been very hard for these clubs and you. should go out to support them. But just. notice that I'm a little right when you. do look around and go, "Yeah, this is. it's dated." But everything's dated. I. guess you go around the country, most. things are dated there. There are still. malls. You know, people still go out to. the mall and eat a pencil and walk. around and try on clothes in a fitting. room and you go, "No, you don't do that. You buy the clothes on the internet. You. don't go to the mall anymore. You don't.

have to go to the mall." I understand. that it's nice, I guess, to walk around. a mall, but you don't have to do it. You're walking around a mall. You almost. feel like you're walking around. Alcatraz. You're walking around a place. that shouldn't exist anymore and does. And it's weird. And then the food courts. there and uh they've always got like a. Chinese restaurant, Chinese restaurant. with like a weird name. It's always kind. of vaguely racist, you know? It's like. Mr. Wangs or something. And it's just.

people that you'll just see people. they're just eating lane with like a. Dickies bag and they just went to go get. put a pants on at Dickies and now. they're gonna eat [ __ ] Lain 3,000. calories of MS and MSG and go home and. the pants don't fit. You know it's it we. haven't figured out a lot of [ __ ] on. this planet. We're not evolving that. quickly. You'd think we'd be evolving at. a little quicker pace. We're really not. because the only other option is the. internet which also sucks because you. get it doesn't fit. You're on the. internet, that's alienating and sad.

You're like jacking it and then you're. like, "All right, I got to buy clothes.". And then I'm fighting with my aunt on. Facebook and then what? I want an NFT. And it's not good. You've set up this. digital world for yourself that sucks. But the real world also sucks. Like now. that things are opening, you start to. realize, man, the real world kind of. sucks a little bit, too. Not all of it. There's some great things out there, but. a lot of the things like there's no. evolution. Like we haven't built a. cooler, newer version of them all. There's no cooler, newer version of.

these things. You know what I mean? Like. it just feels the only the only thing. we've done is made them for rich people. So we've just built malls for wealthy. people. Like we've made malls and go, "Well, everything's Gucci and here's. Sugarfish Sushi and and that's all we've. done." But there there's not a lot of. new things happening. out there. But we, you know, and you'll. notice this as you open up. Opening up. is gonna be very interesting because. everyone's going to be out be like, "THIS IS [ __ ] GREAT." AND THEY'RE.

GOING TO LOOK around and go, "The. country is kind of shocked.". They're going TO BE LIKE, "FINALLY, I'M. BACK." YOU START looking around. You. start noticing how decrepit most things. are. You might walk right back in your. house after that. By the way, you might. tiptoe right the [ __ ] back in your front. door, sit down, and say, "Fuck it." Cuz. when you go back out, you realize that. CO was the nail in the coffin for just. sad like a lot of these businesses and a.

lot of these, you know, the public parks. are bad. Like the public park there's. just homeless in the park and there's. there's like hiking trails, I guess, in. parts of the country, but the country. looks bad. It looks shot. The country's. a cancer patient. The country's on. dialysis. The country's got a late stage. venal disease. and and and we are like. we're all going to go back out in it and. then start to realize that like oh. things things need help. We need to like.

things need a little lipstick and rouge. out there. It's not, you know, we were. in a we're in a restaurant the other. day, a a Friday's type of restaurant. that we had to be in and you're looking. around and I know these places have been. through hell, so don't yell at me and. go, "Yeah, no." Like when I uploaded. that photo of Cleveland of the the steel. mill and I'm like, "Cleveland's a lovely. city." And they go, "That's American. steel. What do you want the Taccoms to. do the steel?" I'm like, "No, it just. looks gross. I'm sorry. It looks bad. I.

know it serves a function. It's just. it's all smog and smoke and it looks. like [ __ ] I understand. Could we have a. city with steel plants and not have. people walking around dressed in. Reynolds wrap? Is that possible? That we. don't have to have boarded up houses and. people walking around in cellophane? That's all. I'm sorry. I I I wasn't. making an anti- steel post on my. Instagram, but how how perceptive of. you. That's American steel, dummy. Good.

I'm just saying when you get back out. there, it's not going to be I don't know. what you're expecting. It's like not. seeing someone for a while. You don't. see someone for a while and then they. walk in and you go, "God, God, how's it been?" You know how bad you. look if somebody comes up to you and. they're like, "How's it been? How have. you been? You okay? You okay?" Like. that's what America is going to look. like when we all go back and go, "You. okay?

Okay. Are you okay? Just waitresses. shaking trying to put entre down on the. table. Nobody's had any money. Everybody's spent all their money on. Soulja Boys NFT. Cities are are just descending into. chaos. You have just people shooting. each other all the time. Crime is on the. rise everywhere. except online. Except it is on the rise. online. You know, it's like school. shootings came back as soon as indoor. classes started. Mark Norman had a.

tweet. It was like, "We're back. School. shootings are back." I mean, I want. everything to open up and I want to go. back out there. But also realize what's. coming with that. It's not all going to. be sunshine and song. There's going to. be some I mean, kids have not shot each. other in a year. Like, they're ready to. go. Kids are ready to shoot each other. their teachers, administrators, they're. ready to go on like day one. That kid. came in and just started firing wildly. on day one. I mean, I think the teachers. should start shooting the kids when they.

go back. I hope teachers start shooting. kids when schools open up again. I hope. teachers just turn around and start. shooting them in their little [ __ ]. heads. That's what I hope happens. That's what's going to happen when. things open up. When things open up, you. could go out to eat. People are going to. forget your balsamic vinegrett again and. you're going to sit there with your. hands clenched and you're going to want. to go up and hit them. They're going to. bring the appetizers and the entre at. the same [ __ ] time like they don't. know that's a problem again. That's.

coming back. Yes, you'll be able to. leave your house. Yes, but things are. coming back with it. The long line at. the car wash will be back because people. aren't afraid. Crowded public transportation is coming. back. It's all back. You could sit in a. movie theater next to some vector of. disease. A diner where you can watch a divorced. dad try to bond with his son who hates. him. That's all coming back. You're. going to have to see your family again.

Thanksgiving might [ __ ] happen this. year. You're going to have to sit down. next to Aunt Qanon and Uncle Drunk. touches you and you're going to have to. sit there and choke down mashed potatoes. next to those two. All because of this dumb vaccine, which. we could have just avoided. Thanksgiving's going to be back. Your. office is back. You haven't seen Dorene. in a while. SHE'S BACK. HI, WE'RE BACK.

WHO WANTS COFFEE? THE OFFICE OFFICE. OFFICE life's coming back. Sit there AND. TALK TO CHUCK. HE just started watching. the Americans. He thinks he's living next to a. communist spy. Chuck's going to fill you. in on that in the breakroom. That's. coming back. Get excited. Your kids are. going to go to start going to school. again. It's going to be much easier for. them to get heroin and [ __ ] in the. mouth. That's happening. Your daughter's. going to have a venerial disease in.

about six months because we've. vaccinated everybody and we're ready to. go. So that's back if she doesn't get. shot in the face by one of these. antisocial kids who spent the last 12. months reading about Bitcoin. So that's. back. You happy? You happy YOU GOT YOUR. SECOND SHOT AND YOU'RE BACK NOW? Traffic. will be back. It's already kind of back. You could sit in traffic. You got that. long commute to work, pass by billboards. of televangelists and healthcare. companies that denied you. You could. pull in your little [ __ ] thing at.

your data entry job, go in there, sit. down next to somebody named Michelle, and you guys sit there and you walk in. and there's a crusty donut left from. yesterday, but you just put that down. your throat and you get to have a nice. [ __ ] caramel latte that's 2,800. calories, and it buzzes you up for only. 45 minutes. And then you got to start. taking the pills cuz nothing else works. That's coming back. OPEN IT UP. OPEN it all up. It's coming. And don't you worry about.

it. I'm just saying, hey, I know we need to. open up, but let's do it with open eyes. Let's open up with open eyes here. Maybe. we don't have to go back to everything. we did. Maybe we can be smarter and. safer, okay, about some of the things. that we used to do, you know? That's all that's all I'm saying. I'm. not saying don't be excited about I'm. excited about it. I'm excited about.

everything opening up again. And I want. to see everyone I've missed for the last. year. it. I'm been very All these young. kids are killing themselves because they. have no friends. I am going to kill. myself when I'm forced to see my friends. again. Do you understand the difference? I've. been on the planet long enough to know. you don't kill yourself when you have no. friends. It's a mark of virtue to not have any.

friends. Most people don't realize that. It's actually biblical. Christ didn't. have any friends. Exactly. But I'm excited for things to come back. I know that people don't people probably. say I feel like he's not, but I am. It's. going to be fun. Things are coming back. We're going to do a bunch of crazy cool. [ __ ] uh when we're allowed to do it at. capacity. Really cool, weird comedy. experiences uh that we're trying to work. with different people and companies and. investors to do and and [ __ ] like that.

And and I'm pumped about it. I just I. just know that it's going to be funny. because and it's just human nature. everyone that's begging for everything. to open because we need it to open. By. the way, there's no other option. We. can't just stay in our homes. But it's. just going to be funny the first time. you start complaining again about the. open world cuz that'll have like the. first time you're like, "Oh, fuck.". First time you walk into a store, it's. just packed. You're like, "Fuck this.". It's true. It's coming. The first. complaint you have.

about Remember how nice LA was with no. traffic? When everyone was scared to. death, they were scared in their homes. They were just scared, terrified of. leaving their homes the way it should. be. And then now the traffic's back out. People are having keieras on the beach. Get off the beach. They're doing kinieras on the beach in. Malibu. They're they're smashing piñatas on in. Malibu on the beach. Clean it up. And.

that go and I'm not it's keener because. it that's what I saw. I don't care if it was a I don't want a. white [ __ ] there with a piñata either. So don't come at me. I'm just saying there's a lot of fun. stuff that's going to be happening very. soon that will also anger you. I've gotten a little used to um not. seeing as many people and I'm going to. obviously get used to seeing more of. them which will be lovely. and my fam. I.

guess I'll have to see my I guess at. some point I will have to see my family. My mother's in her nursing home. They've. just locked her up. No one can see her. I just waved her through the window and. tell her what NFT to buy. Now I'm going. to have to go in there and actually talk. to her, which is fine, but the you got. to realize what's about to happen here, folks. Are you prepared? You got to just. get ready for it. Bob and weave. Bob and. you got to get ready for it. And many of. you think you want it until it's here.

It's like anything. You think you want. it and then it's here and then you're. like, "Wait, what?" But this digital. hell can't last. That's true. We need to. go out and see people. We need humanity. We need real friends. We need to look at. them. We need to realize why we didn't. talk to them that much over the last. year because they're non-essential to. us. That's the other thing. If you. didn't talk to someone over the last. year, they it's really like I mean I. know you'll go out, you'll patch those. friendships to an extent, but like.

there's going to be a lot of people that. reconnect with you after this whole. thing where you could be sitting there. going looking at them going, I don't. need you. This year showed you what you. needed. What you need. You don't need a. lot of things and people. You don't. This year simplified our lives in a. weird way. It complicated them, but it. also simplified them. You know what I. mean? Like I realize that all I need is. Ben and then on the other side of this. camera 500,000 domestic terrorists.

I don't need a lot. I just need half a. million people, many of whom are on a. watch list and him. I'm not I don't need a ton of other. things going on in my life. You know, you know, I need a couple of. good-looking gentlemen with six-packs or. a little younger that want Gucci shoes. That's what I need. I don't need an. endless supply of social interactions. I. find them to be. a little meaningless. But I'm getting. older. I'm 36.

You're getting older. You know, I get. it. If this happened, I was 22. I'd be. like, man, I'm [ __ ] I can't believe. it, dude. What? Now I'm like I'm d I'm like dreading. I. pray every day. I turn on the TV. I pray. for the new strain. I pray that people's. faces start melting off with this. I go, "Come on." I roll the dice. I'm like, "Give me Brazil. Give me Brazil." Because I'm just trying. to avoid Thanksgiving. So, I'm like,

"Roll the dice. Come on. Give me. something from Pakistan. Give it to me.". Good. I don't know. It won't be over that. soon, but it'll be over soon enough. I. hope I I do hope it ends. We need new. things. We need new things to be angry. at and mad at. And we need new uh. challenges in life. We need to go out. there and people need to [ __ ] again and. meet each other and and have physical. relationships, you know. I mean, I get. it, you know, but it's a very. interesting thing to be just let out of. the cage. Just let out of the cage.

Like, here's the reality. When you let. the kids out of the ice cage, many of. them were like, "Hey, man. It sucked in there. But I This is also. bad wherever they put them. I don't. know. You know what I mean? Should I broadcast from one of the Biden. administration ice cages for a week? Cuz. Biden hasn't shut them down either. Just. go live. Just go live. Should I just do. like a 48 hour live event from a. detention from an immigration detention.

facility? I mean, can we sell immigrant children as NFTTS. to release them? That that's a question. Can we sell. children detained at the immigration. center as NFTs? Can Mark Cuban do that? Can Mark Cuban take a picture of a child. in a cage dancing, sell it, raise the. money to get that little guy out? And.

we'd have to explain to him, Jose, you're an NFT now. You're a nonfgeable. token. Okay, you're a nonf fungeible. token. You're out of here. And we turn. to the next one and go. You're not a. nonfgeable token yet. Back in. I'm. laughing. I of course am for abolishing. the cages. So don't get angry at me. I. don't want any children in cages. And I. never did. So don't don't I'm making fun. of a horrible situation. You know, I. also didn't want the Myi massacre. You.

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free. So, don't comment me. I just I. want to know what the limits to the. NFTts are. That's my point. I'm. wondering what what what when does it. end? What can we, you know, do porn stars. start selling an NFT of them just. Oh, for sure. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. And once things once we get into. the virtual world, you know, people are. buying digital real estate in these. virtual worlds. They could buy a private. prison in the digital world and then.

free the people out of it. What people though? The digital people in the in the game. Cuz in the video games, people are. buying houses cuz they're like, "Well, this house will. and that's fine." But I want the private. prisons on Earth to be secure. Is there. a way to do that? Let's free the people. in the game. It's a good idea. By Let's. Let's close the private prison in the. game. It's a phenomenal idea, but keep. it on Earth. I think it's a it's a great. idea. We're escaping fully into a.

digital world now. FULLY AS WE'RE. OPENING BACK UP, WHICH IS HILARIOUS. YOU'RE GOING TO OPEN BACK UP and go, "What the [ __ ] am I doing out here at. Fudruckers? doesn't make any sense. I. just want to go back and live in the. digital world where I mean something. I can close private prisons in the. digital world. I can't do anything out. here. I could go listen to Tim Dylan. yell in a bowling alley, but there's nothing for me to do. I can. drive to my shitty strip mall office,

sit there and try to rob people of their. healthcare or whatever industries are. left in this country. Or I could [ __ ]. buy some NFTts and buy some digital real. estate. What the [ __ ] is digital real. estate? It's this game. It's Dententraland. Like. people are just buying plots of land in. the game, right? I mean, good. I GUESS. WHY NOT? CAN'T do it here. Do it in the. game. Do in the game. Get the operation. in the game. Make political change in. the game. We just elected a humanitarian.

in the game. I I mean, it's truly seems. to be our only option. Not to sound. dystopian about it, but it seems to be. our only option. I I I don't see is. there a real world fix coming? This. seems to be a good option. Just play the. game and do the things in the game that. you can no longer do on Earth. Sounds good. Sounds good to me. We're just opening the doors. Everybody's like, "You're allowed back.

out now." You're like, "But everything's. digital. Everything I care about, all. the money is digital. Nobody accepts my. money now. I I own a Lindsay Lohan NFT. Can I get a sandwich with that? I have. Soulja Boy NFTts. They go, "What? I. don't have any physical money. They. didn't send me the unemployment checks. I only have an eighth of a Bitcoin and a. Soulja Boy NFT. What can that get me? I have to go to the dentist and pay with. [ __ ] Mark Cuban gifs." Like,

it's just very interesting. You have two. things colliding. You have we're falling. further into the digital world. At the. same time, we're going back out into the. world. And these this collision of these. things is going to be very interesting. to watch over the next. uh few months and and coming years going. to be very interesting because even. though we're opening up as we should and. need to, there seems to be just a. complete. surrender.

in many meaningful ways to the digital. landscape and living there forever. Yeah. Wow. Heavy concepts, folks. Heavy concepts. We'll all see how it works. I don't know. how it'll work. We'll try to be funny if if if we're. allowed to be, you know, seems to be Twitter. You said they're. just getting rid of everyone. Yeah. just a it's a real purge, you.

know, mostly of the alt-right accounts. and fringe right accounts, but pretty. much I think everyone will be game over. the next year as they become more of. like a Patreon type platform. Is that what we see Twitter evolving. into? Yeah. So, people are going to start. paying to subscribe. You saw subscribe. to tweets like VIP tweets. You pay $5 a. month and you can see like Tim Dylan's. tweets but just for his followers that. pay. That's the new subscription service. with Twitter. So, is this a way of not. seeing other people's tweets? Can you. curate your own timeline? Is that is.

that. No, you you can just see special tweets. that you are only letting people who pay. to see. But doesn't that sound like the way to. get the most racism, right? I guess. Yeah. Doesn't that sound like. the way to get the like, "Hey, wink. wink. This is a special tweet just for. you. These goddamn dotheads at the gas. station." Like I mean what what do you. think that's going to be used for? That's going to be used for, you know, fitness advice.

You're saying they're purging Disney. Plus now, too. They're trying to they. have this new algorithm that's. identifying things that could be racist. in Disney movies. Yeah. Let me find this. direct quote right here. Um, multiple. Hollywood companies have been using an. artificial intelligence program designed. by researchers from USC's Verbby School. of Engineering to analyze films and. shows for issues like gender. representation and violence. Now, one. studio also is weighing using AI to scan. scripts in its archive for content like. racial slurs. So, you have films like. Gone with the Wind now. So, if someone's.

going to watch Gone with the Wind on one. of these platforms, there's now a. 4minute intro into the movie where they. explain that racism is bad before you. watch it. I mean, Christ almighty. Listen up. Before you watch the feature. presentation, we here at would like you. to know at Disney Plus would like you to. know that slavery is not good. It is bad. and it was wrong. And the Civil War was. fought not to end slavery but to.

preserve the Union. Do you see? So these. people that you're watching are part of. the problem. And what did you say? There's a disclaimer before Aladdin. Yeah, before Aladdin. So films will that. it says this film includes harmful. stereotypes or harmful depictions. WHAT IS THAT? Is that a harmful. stereotype about Arabs that they are on. magic carpets? That's the best. stereotype about them there is. Think. about that. I mean, if you heard a group. of people could fly in a carpet, you go. that's cool as [ __ ] You think after.

9/11 that's the stereotype we should be. fighting is that that genies come out of. lamps. That's cool. That's really cool. I'm sure if you gave an Arab person a. choice, you go, "What should we believe. about you? That you can summon genies. and fly on a carpet or that you're. strapped with a bomb?". Maybe they'd go neither. But if he said, "Well, if we had to believe one thing, they'd go I would go with the genies.". Seems like I would get stopped at the. airport less. Yeah. The the the actual thing it'll pop. up. It'll say, "This program includes.

negative depictions andor mistreatment. of people or cultures. These stereotypes. were wrong then and are wrong now." And. then the movie starts. Okay. Before like the Jungle Book, Dumbo, Aladdin. Why is the J What happened in The Jungle. Book? I I don't know. He's Indian. So I guess. it's like cuz he's like naked. Maybe. it's showing that he's like poor or. something. Isn't he Indian in it? He lives in the jungle.

Are they going to do this with with. white things like the Chronicles in. Narnia? Are they gonna go uh the white. witch being like the ultimate white. woman [ __ ] who like lures Edmund in in. in into working for her by offering him. Turkish delight is a wrong stereotype. No, it's like dude, we thought Mowgli. was cool as a kid cuz he was like. hanging out with bears in the jungle. What? Every other thing back then was. like a fat white kid who's I want. chocolate and it was like a you know. like and then like Mowgli was like thin.

and lived in the jungle. He was like in. shape. you were like, "Oh, good for. him." As a kid, you were like, "Mog's. figured it out. His best friend's a. bear. They hang out together every day.". And the other option was like just some. like pale-faced, pasty British kid like. just [ __ ] like eating a candy bar or. something. I mean, what are we talking. about here? This is nonsense. And what? And Dr. Seuss now they're. getting rid of because the Grinch is a. Jew or something. Who cares?

Doesn't matter. Didn't they? That's what they found out, right? That the Grinch was a Jew. Yeah, sure. So what? I'm serious. I think that's why. I think that's why they got rid of that. because they found out. the Grinch's last name was Cohen. The. Grinch's name was Barry Cohen. And they are mad at that. They're mad at. that. She didn't like I get it. Christmas does get annoying. There's so much red and green. I'm.

aware. I don't know, folks. Anyway, upcoming. dates, most of them are sold out, but. you can grab tickets on the website, tinddillcomdyd.com. I'm always happy to be on the road. I. love comedy clubs and going No, I'm. kidding. I do. And it is funny to be uh. out again and we'll be back out. I just. got to go home and sleep in my own bed. I'm very excited that the country is. opening up as I have detailed. And I'm. also very excited about the nonf. fungeible tokens which are absolutely. 100% legitimate ways to support your. favorite artist andor artists. So, we'll.

be looking into doing them, too, because. you deserve it. And uh I just think it's. great. I think it's all great and I'm. excited about it. And I'm excited about. what's to come. So, you should be too. And uh it's going to be a lot of fun out. there. and and even when problems arise, I'm sure we will do what we've always. done as a country, work together. and and come up with a coordinated. response and just get get better because.

that's what we do. We just get better. And I feel very good about the state of. the economy. I feel very good that. billionaires are selling gifs of. themselves dancing. I feel great about. it. I feel great about people blowing up. spaceships while vast numbers of people. are in poverty. I feel absolutely great. about this. And I don't know why you. don't I don't know why you are in this. prison of negativity. Buy real estate. and the game online and close the. private prison. Free the people in the. prison online. I don't understand the. negativity constantly emanating from you.

people. Everything is good. Everything is good. Everything is good. and everything is money. So what's the [ __ ] problem? Everything out there is money. So, don't. worry that you don't have any of the. money that you're used to and that you. recognize. Everything is coming. together. Lindsay Lohan. sold a nonfgeable token for $17,000. to some stalker or somebody who will. probably kidnap her. You should be able.

to kidnap her, by the way. Uh if you buy. her non-f fungeible token, you should be. able to kidnap her. That should be in. the rules. That should be allowed. Um, so just don't despair. Things are good. and I'm very happy and we're very happy. to be back out on the road. Uh, and. we'll be we'll be back soon back in the. studio because I can't Where the [ __ ] am. I? I mean, where are we here? I can't. I don't know, man. I mean, this is rough, man. What who's.

this? What life is this? Who's this for? Get me an NFT. Get me out of here. Oh, before we leave too, Tim, every. everybody's DMing me asking you. They. want me to ask you what you think about. Cuomo. What's going on with him right. now? Yeah. I mean, these people. Are you over Are you over it? I just I don't know about the Listen. Yeah. Was he creep to women? Maybe. But. he's also been a incredibly corrupt and. inept leader. He's been a very, very bad. governor for years and no one seems to. have cared. And now like he like pinched.

someone's ass at a Christmas party and. everyone's like, "Oh, he's got to go.". It's like, what about the nursing home. genocide? How about the dockow he set up in. nursing homes? Does anyone care about. that? Does anyone have any care about uh. Andrew Cuomo's little Awitz he set up. there on Long Island? Okay, I'm no fan of the Cuomo family and they. know that. Or maybe they don't, but. whatever. I'm just not a fan of them. But I think he should do an NFD.

I think you should do a nonf fungeible. token of him just grabbing that chick's. tit. because I think that would make it all. okay. I'll tell you that. You know, we should sell non-f fungeible tokens to. people who died of CO. Why not? NFT uh CO deaths. just taking pictures of people at the. end. Smile. You're an NFT. You're a. nonfgeable token. Smile.

your money. Now, why not turn the. 500,000 people who died of COVID into. money? Are we stupid? Why not turn COVID deaths into currency? I can't think of any reason not to, and. I'm appalled that it hasn't been thought. up. Go take a photo of everybody on the. at the end ventilated. and and they should now be money. They.

should be money, too. If Lindsay Lohan. can be money, then people that have died. of COVID should be money. I should be. able to go and trade COVID deaths. And I think that's where we're heading. in this country. And I'm excited about. it. And you should be, too. I'm excited. about the idea that one day, sometime. soon, you can own COVID deaths as.

currency. Why not? Why not? Absolute currency. You know, why not? We're going to do a a guest episode. today and the guest didn't show up. We were. Yeah. Legit. Legit. We're going to have. a guest that didn't show up. Who was it?

I'm trying to get the name because it's. like a it's a comedian. Cristia.