#234 - Stop Ratting | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim. dillon show i am tim dillon. what a week we've had little skirmish. over there in the old capitol. stop the ratting stop ratting out all. these idiots that ran into [ __ ]. the capitol they're idiots some of them. did. commit crimes a lot of them didn't they. were just standing there being morons. i told you this sobering up from the q. anon wasn't going to go well. who told you that i said that. i've been on record going they're not.

gonna take it well. when they find out that this shit's not. really gonna work out the way they want. it to. imagine you thought you were saving the. children and then you find out you know. you're not. that no one's being saved and you're. wrong. and the people you've invested your. [ __ ]. time into in some cases your money. the people you had faith in have sold. you down the river like trump did when. he went up and. and you know correctly he was like what.

the [ __ ]. can't do this after encouraging them and. egging them on. saying they were great people they went. out and went well wait a minute. but this is what happens. this is a a tough pill for those people. to swallow. but you don't need to rat on everybody. in that crowd. come on i didn't even rat on the airbnb. who tried to destroy my life.

because we simply wanted to have a meal. in their drug den in joshua tree. i didn't even drop a dime on them. cause i am against ratting. i you know just let it go also why do. you want to do your. someone else's job for them why do you. want to do. someone else's job that's the cops job. let the cops figure out who stole nancy. pelosi's pen.

you don't have to go into citizen. detective mode. and figure out who is responsible. i mean for doing whatever the hell they. did. supposedly smearing [ __ ] is that true. yeah yeah they took shits in the. bathrooms and. tracked it all over the capitol building. yeah oh yeah yeah. they're doing what they're accusing the. p the cues accusing the. senators are doing these people like how. do you like him. but you don't have to go out there and. and you know where in the world is.

carmen san diego where in the world is. you know i don't know the dude with the. horns or whatever. these people are going to get found out. you don't have to be an online. sleuth these people are going to get. found out the cops are going to arrest. them this is what's going to happen. but it's so funny schizophrenic. everything is like now now everybody. it's like cops are heroes these police. are heroes the capitol police are heroes. you see those cops they're heroes you. see the black cop who's who's all the.

white people yelling at him he's a hero. however the black cop where the white. and black mixed race crowd was yelling. at him with the blm protest. that guy's a uh uh part of the problem. but now that guy's a hero. you see so nobody has any values nothing. matters. truly nothing matters no one really. cares the cops are heroes now. and protesting is bad just being out of. protest is bad. and it should bar you from ever being. employed again ever.

no one should work ever again you should. lose your job. as an apprentice at the tattoo parlor. these people don't have high level jobs. but they work at like call. centers there's some poor guy. some schmuck who's gotten sucked into a. q anon cult. because he can't afford any other type. of cult. he's [ __ ] you know spends six months. thinks he's hunting pedophiles on 4chan. then he [ __ ] goes to meet up with his. friends all of a sudden he gets.

caught up in a moment and he's in the. [ __ ] chamber. of you know congress yeah i mean it's a. bad choice. it's probably gonna [ __ ] him from doing. certain things let that schmuck. if he's charged with a crime he's. charged with a crime whatever. you know if he got caught you got caught. but don't you go and i mean let the guy. go back to the call center job. this isn't the cfo of [ __ ] goldman. sachs running around there.

these people's lives are not great. that's why they're there with. a helmet on nobody has a really good. life is in the congress with a helmet on. i'm telling you these people have mental. problems. most of them it's the blm people a lot. of them the hardcore. i'm talking about you know the 300 pound. woman with purple hair. the people that are screaming and going. nuts and. my friend's 80 year old uncle's in a car. and they go up to the car and they're. like say black lives matter.

say it the people that are like. harassing the elderly. they have mental problems as well it's. not just like. you have a political difference with. these people they're extremists. that ideology comes from being mentally. unwell. being socially unwell. these are antisocial personality. disorders they should be studied. not listened to not retweeted. they should be studied.

but you know i i just can't get involved. with the ratting. these people really thought this. presidency was going to end a different. way and i mean you know unfortunately. i was ringing the bell for that i'm. telling them this is not the way it's. going to work. you know it's like the movie clifford. the great movie clifford storing one of. my favorites charles grodin and then. martin short. clifford with mary steenburgen clifford. was great because clifford wanted to go. to dinosaur world. and uh you know his uncle martin kept uh. running into problems he was unable to.

take him to dinosaur world. well and then he of course went insane. and. um his uncle martin was building a model. of the. la transportation system and then. clifford blew it up. sorry spoiler alert spoiler alert. and that is how people reacted when they. found out they couldn't go to dinosaur. world that they weren't going to be. personally arresting barack and michelle. obama. and putting them in guantanamo bay they. thought they were going to be marching. down [ __ ] beverly boulevard and they.

were going to go up into the hills to. chrissy teigen's house. and take her out and arrest her and then. i guess steal her cookware line and. cook with it or i don't know but they. really thought this was was going to. happen that alan degeneres was going to. be going to jail. none of this was true all this was. [ __ ] all of this was like. you know a larping [ __ ] just. troll game that these people fell for. because they're terribly unsophisticated. and because the country is so. [ __ ] up and so many of the monsters.

are real. that these people found out about it and. their hand their brains melted they had. no idea. when they found out about the epsteins. and the this and that and how [ __ ] up. things are. automatically overnight they started. they got an overflow of information and. they were manipulated by people. like steve bannon and these other people. that didn't give a [ __ ] about them and. just. they thought we're gonna get their votes. and let them believe whatever we want. them to believe and it really. i don't know how many of the people in. the capital were hardcore q people. but i gotta imagine it's a few.

i gotta imagine some of them found their. way in there. wasn't the guy that i we just did that. sketch he was the q and on shaman. yeah the q anon shaman he goes i see. different uh. levels of uh you know. that was just pedophiles this is him. this guy yeah yeah there he is. jake and jelly i think his name is or. and you know you got people there with. neo-nazi flags and everything like that.

but here's the other thing folks and. this is like an uncomfortable thing. nobody really wants to talk about this. nobody really wants to admit this. you're not going to be able to arrest or. a shame every nazi you're going to have. to deal with certain nazis you know if. you want a tattoo. you might have to deal with the nazi. unknowingly this is what it is you don't. think i. you don't think i have to deal with. hardcore uh. you know anarcho-communists of course. what if i want ice cream in portland. i can't scoop it myself i gotta deal. with one of these militant dykes i don't. care.

i don't want them to lose their job i. just walk in i go yeah. punch nazis and rocky road or whatever i. want that day. and this [ __ ] scoops it up and it's we. move on. i don't give a [ __ ] i don't i don't go. oh this [ __ ] wants to destroy. anything good about what i think this. country means. let's get rid of her i don't care that. if she heard my comedy she'd probably. want me in a cage i just moved the [ __ ]. on. get your [ __ ] ice cream and go get.

your tattoo and go. why are we gonna arrest everybody people. i don't who cares what people believe. yes if you run into the capitol yes. you're gonna get arrested. it's what it is i mean i don't know what. to tell you. you know if you do something crazy in. the blm protest you burn down somebody's. small business. yeah you're gonna be arrested you're. destroying property like. you know what are you gonna do but if. you're just being an. idiot i don't know what's the punishment. for that. you're probably not doing that great you.

know. so i don't know i just i think this is. this i don't know what happened when. everybody's like we gotta get we gotta. get rid of all these. everybody we disagree with they can't. they can't have shitty jobs. people aren't really raking it in here. you know these people aren't doing well. for the most part they're living off. money they've inherited.

they they have some type of stipend. they're living in some type of communal. how i don't know what the [ __ ] they're. doing. but i mean i'm sure that i deal. i deal professionally with people i. disagree with all the time about. many different things all the time about. many many different things. you know i i i would never expect. i have a personal trainer who i disagree. with about many things. because he was like he's always like. what are you eating what are you doing.

and i'm like. i think it's more important for him to. start looking into cue. and to discover the truth for himself. but he's very like about me. and everything i'm doing and i'm like. that's not that important when you look. at all the children have you saved all. of the children yet. no well then how about you go and state. have you saved any of them. no why well i haven't found the. underground tunnels. anyway what did you have for breakfast. keep looking for the tunnels. there's you see there's we're having a. divergence of opinion we're unable to.

serve each other. in in the way that we need to i have. professional disagreement all the time. and i deal with people and i make the. best of it because i'm a [ __ ] adult. i don't care if the dental hygienist. believes in ghosts it doesn't matter to. me if the [ __ ]. cleaning my teeth went to the [ __ ]. area 51 roswell convention. and [ __ ] dressed or dressed like a. gray alien. and jumped around on dmt as long as. she's sober when she's [ __ ] cleaning.

my teeth. i don't know what this [ __ ] thinks. about i don't want to know. i don't want to know i got enough. problem thoughts in my own goddamn head. to worry about what other people are. doing okay so all these people that are. just ratting people out. oh you know don't give these people any. of your money a. you know nazi tattoo or whatever it's. like i don't know don't get a tattoo. they're stupid. tattoos are stupid they are. i'm sorry i know many of you have them.

and you love them and everyone has one. now. why don't you be the person that doesn't. get one how about you be the badass that. doesn't get a tattoo. and then you won't worry if your money's. not going to yeah let your dead dog or. your dead grandfather. let them lie you don't need them on your. bicep. let them lie okay. i deal with [ __ ] militant communist. dikes. all the [ __ ] time they're in every. ice cream parlor ever. and i loved coffee at one time they were.

in all the coffee shops. black black antifa in the coffee shop if. i want a lemon loaf. i gotta deal with black black it is what. it is. and those dykes got a thick loaf and. they make a good espresso. so you just go in and you [ __ ] mix it. up with them you act like they actually. [ __ ] punch nazis [ __ ] trump. yeah you know smashed a patriarchy you. know can i get a scone and.

earl grey with honey you know just do. what you got to do. so if you're getting it if you're going. to tattoo with nazi tattoo you get in. there i go hey how are you. all right so anyway just i want to clean. this up. yeah just put 1987 there yeah yeah yeah. that's your my birth all right hi hitler. all right let's do this. just [ __ ] fit in so the whole point. of the country is fit in. we were just in vegas we went to vegas. for two days because nothing's open in. l.a we just wanted to go to dinner. frankly. and vegas has been brought to its knees.

by this i mean it is so bad they thank. you for parking your car now. that's how bad it is the valet people. are happy to see you in vegas. they're like hey good to see you thanks. for coming. thanks for coming here i mean you feel. like you're a king i mean you feel like. you're. everybody in vegas right now feels like. a high roller you want to feel like a. high roller go to vegas. now doesn't matter what you're spending. i didn't go near a poker table or a slot. machine the whole time i was there. you will feel like a hot well you know i. i should have but i just i'm not really.

a gambler but i can play. cards a little bit if i want to but you. will feel like a high roller they're. just so lucky you'll get in all the best. restaurants you can get in anywhere. it's not a problem and they're happy to. have you just go there. they're happy that the [ __ ] are happy. to have you the the. [ __ ] are happy to suck your [ __ ] in. vegas right now. they are happy to suck i got been a. transgender. african-american uh prostitute your wife. doesn't listen right. they're happy to have you they're so.

happy to have they they thank you. idahor trying to pay me. they give you discounts they're happy. you're there. everybody is happy the buffets are. closed which i don't love. because that's part of it part of the. experience but the. [ __ ] are happy doesn't matter if you. have a rash. they don't care if you've showered they. don't care if you're. tested for cove or not doesn't matter. they don't even care if you can stay.

hard the whole time they will take your. dick. and they will [ __ ] it they will use. their teeth on that [ __ ]. to get them up and running they are just. happy to. have you they will take your dick and. put it in a thing of hot fudge. and suck it off they're so happy for you. to be there and the valet people are. even happier. you might not even need a [ __ ] the. valet people. are so happy we had a lesbian. who ran the valet which was good because. they're very business-minded the great. thing about lesbians is.

they take any job seriously there's a. very it's a respecting for them. whereas gay men unless they're doing the. job there that's their dream. don't really do it well they don't. really like and i always explain it been. like if i. had that job valeting cars the manager. would come to me and go. hi you're not doing this right and. everyone's upset and i would look at him. and go. it's a stupid job though no and he'd be. like. what and i'd be like it's dumb we're. just driving a car into a. i mean it's dumb i'm doing it the best i.

can but come on it's horrible. but the lesbians they just [ __ ] hit. it they hit it and they do it well. because they just do it they just like. the simple things about life. it's just easy to you know so uh respect. to that woman we tipped her well give. her 100 bucks for everybody. uh but that that is where vegas is right. now they are so. sad uh it is so depressing. uh it is like the an apocalypse but like. i've never seen. like there's nothing going on you would. think it would be like the real.

apocalypse is in the capital it's in dc. vegas is like calm and relaxed just a. couple of lifers. pulling slots a couple of fat old people. not giving a [ __ ] mask under nose just. like. that's the new real gangster move mask. under your nose like say. say something about it [ __ ] throwing up. the margaritas they don't give a [ __ ]. they're just living. they're just living there we had dinner. at carbone which is a big restaurant new. york that's now in vegas. and uh and it was fun not as good as the.

one in new york but it was good. and we had dinner at uh what is it. menumi yeah the sushi restaurant in the. wind. very nice we sat outside at the pagoda. table. nice and safe nice and distanced. and it was fun it was just nice to be. out having dinner it was nice to. to be out i mean la shut down and it's. been very hard for me to even. get material to talk about as a comedian. and we made a sketch in vegas it was a. lot of fun. went to a costume shop found that guy's. you know [ __ ] skin cap or whatever and.

got horns and whatever but it becomes. difficult to live in a city. and i'm not i get it it's bad out there. hospitals are bad right now in la. but it becomes difficult to live in a. city that is completely shut down. uh there's nothing to do you can't leave. your home really. there's nowhere to go there's nothing to. see and if you're a comedian or you make. your living talking and observing. there's nothing to observe so i went out. to vegas and i was very i was very happy. about that it was good we did a patreon. with ty rivera.

uh very funny comedian who lives out. there and um. vegas is open the comedy clubs are. starting to open. but they're open at a very low capacity. so you only got like 40 seats in there. at the comedy clubs in las vegas so. you're not really. you know you're not you're not making. money there yet. uh but it's opening little by little. little by little what was your. impression you haven't been a lot but i. mean. this was pretty bleak you said it best.

it's been brought to its knees the. homelessness looked real rough. real rough in a lot of parts of the city. it's not as bad as la though. and it's open but no one's there you. know it's open but nobody's there. the casinos are allowed a minimal. capacity of where they used to be i. don't know what it is someone could fill. me in on. on on the actual capacity um. the homelessness problem is not as. striking as la. for whatever reason you don't but it is. bad i mean this is it's it's not good. you know. so this is as of november 29 2020 new.

restrictions. limit capacity of casinos and. restaurants. restaurants can see patrons if they have. reservations and no more than four. diners or a lab for table masks are. acquired at all times. indoors and out maximum size of public. gatherings. is 50 people yeah which will crush the. recent revival of live entertainment. so that's where you're at uh a lot of. casinos are not opening weekdays. they are opening uh thursday through.

monday. and some of them are just not functional. during the week it doesn't make sense. for them to open. so little by little las vegas turning. around one of my favorite cities i do. like las vegas couldn't ever live there. but like going there for 48 hours at a. time. checking up on vegas and seeing what is. uh going on i just couldn't live there. it's one of those places i don't. think i could live.

there's a certain type of person that. can and i respect that person that's. just not me. same with new orleans that i love new. orleans i couldn't live there. it's just too much even though i like it. i just couldn't do it. the special thing it's like the way a. lot of people feel about new york and. now i kind of feel about new york i. couldn't. live there you know every new year all. you hear is new year new me that usually. means you'll be picking up better habits. of trying new things okay. if you do take up a new hobby it's even. better when you have amazing audio that.

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i mean he was pretty out there in the. open wasn't he yeah yeah yeah. yeah jake and jelly lead siege of. catholics by the way this wasn't a coup. everyone's saying this was a coup. or a revolution i mean this was closer. to a high school theater group i mean. listen. they they were not they i mean i'm not. excusing what they did right. what they did was [ __ ] insane and. obviously there were laws that they. broke. and they will go to jail like and and by. the way that's everybody that destroys. property.

break breaking and entering these are. all laws that we have. for a reason civil society exists for a. reason okay. so if you're breaking those laws uh for. whatever because you. think that you know uh the landlord. should all be taken out and hung. that's that's breaking a law and if you. break the law because you think that. inside of uh congress there's a chamber. with children that nancy pelosi is. eating. you're breaking a law either way you're. breaking a law. so you know sorry to everybody who's.

like but i like one kind of riot. that's the maturity of this country. everybody's sitting behind screens being. like. well this violent protest was not good. i like that kind i like this type of. chaos it's like people sitting in a. restaurant being like i enjoy this type. of chaos. oh you like that chaos i like this chaos. ah interesting just people tasting wine. a sommelier comes over the sommelier of. like you know. the apocalypse and he's like what do you.

like. what do you like do you like a racial. equity narrative. with some burned buildings and some. chase please or would you like a. proto-fascist takeover. involving a horned gentleman leading a. group of people. up the steps of congress and people like. hmm they both. sound appealing. it's stupid you cannot encourage this. type of behavior. at all very funny though you know it's. funny. q anon shaman known as 33 year old jake.

angeli of phoenix man. phoenix huh has been a fixture at a. number of pro-trump rallies and protests. across. 2020 especially in his home state soon. after q anon shaman received viral. infamy. some followers of the loose collective. of conspiracy theorists. movement began to turn on him falsely. suggesting angeli is actually antifa. and had infiltrated the mob ain't that. always the way. man what a short rise right.

ain't that always the way. it's like this it's like i'm in the. movement i'm in the movement queuing on. queueing on queueing on. viral viral big antifa. a big circle it's almost like the people. that get involved in these things aren't. the most. stable and they'll actually turn on. anyone. interesting it's like the underpinnings. of these movements are not. logical coherent political beliefs uh. it's really.

the majority of it is undiagnosed and. diagnosed. mental illness many of these people have. been diagnosed by the way. i wanted to correct uh kansas owens when. she said it's undiagnosed mental illness. i'm like many of it a lot of it's. diagnosed. somebody tweets why aren't these quote. crisis actors more successful in acting. this guy was way into the wrong much. earlier clearly a method actor he's. really selling it. he should be alongside de niro is this. the one where he's yelling let's see. what this is this is a crazy conspiracy. theorist he also people getting covetes.

in arizona i think this is our boy jake. angeli all right. it's [ __ ] crazy you guys the amount. of people that believe this [ __ ]. is insane interesting this just goes to. show the mockingbird media. the way it uses fear to compartmentalize. to propagandize and divide and conquer. our country this whole country is an. episode of the x-files. i mean look at this look at this bush. [Applause].

the virus survive. arizona's heat by the way stop this. i know like 30 comics that are that are. five minutes away from this behavior. if they don't get it special i know 30. to 50 people that are five minutes away. from horns. and screaming in a parking lot if. something doesn't turn around if you. don't let them go perform. somewhere. this is a scientific fact.

the corrupt media is lying to you. your corrupt governments. dick ducey is [ __ ] led to you. grove in 1984. is a globalist propaganda hoax. i love all the people that are like. colvin's the global at the big global. reset.

it's like what reset it's been going the. way it's been going. for 50 years what reason there's no. reset it's this. i'll tell you this no more i can't tell. he's just talking it's annoying. with the it's annoying. um but yeah that's jake and jelly. i mean these these people again you know. i don't i've never known someone. you know i i guess i've i've witnessed. people that have gone really radical. in their belief systems uh not quite to. that extent where it's like costume.

shop radical but i've known people that. have gone really off the reservation. and the one thing that seems to unite. all of them is that number one they. started to get attention. doing it it was what got them attention. so they would never stop because it was. the only way they got attention they. didn't get attention other ways. they weren't they didn't get attention. from their talent and they didn't get. attention. uh from uh you know any you know. interpersonal thing. that was good going on in their life.

they got a tension. by going crazy. publicly in front of people you know. this is what. they you know enjoy doing and i don't. mean and i don't just mean whitney but. there are people. kidding she's her dog she called me her. dog ate her hand or something it's fine. but i've i've seen people politically go. off the radar go off the rails like this. and they're off the reservation. i know that's not a kosher term to say. but this is what happens they. you know you know you're yelling in a.

parking lot. with a [ __ ] with viking horns on. you're not. it's not going well so i don't know what. this got but this guy's gonna see some. real. jail time probably you know probably i. mean this is a real embarrassing end for. the q movement. i thought it would kind of silently kind. of. just go away like like a tide goes out. like a tide comes in and the tide goes. out. this one was rough this one was a little. embarrassing. for the q movement this was rough i.

don't know what the hell they thought. was gonna happen they were gonna get in. there and the u.s military was gonna go. you're right. let's go and then jake angeli is the. president yeah what did you think. it's the same thing with a black lives. matter it's like what did you think was. going to happen. just the national guard's going to stand. down you're going to take over portland. i mean i don't know but now of course we. have. uh you know the the this very. schizophrenic. body politic where you can't keep up. with. everything you can't even understand. you're like okay.

you're like these people gathered in. front of government buildings and they. harass. the police who are heroes. [Laughter]. and you're like staring at these people. like what. wait a minute what and then they find. all the black lives matter protests that. were always peaceful like nothing yes. like because we all know the riots we. were watching had nothing to do. with the protest i mean they had nothing. to do with that and they didn't happen. most of the riots didn't have that you. saw with your own eyes the burning of.

businesses the burning of cop cars the. looting of stores. that didn't happen and if it did happen. it was justified. that didn't happen you saw it i i. brought it up i. people are angry at me because i've. literally people. hate me because i've literally said. things i've seen with my eyes. [Laughter]. that has label people are angry with me. because. i'm a chill and right-wing and alt-right. or whatever. because i've just uh i've been sitting.

in front of a tv and. huh okay i'm seeing a thing. and now i'm saying what i'm seeing and. people have gotten angry about that you. know. getting angry i get it i have enemies. people dislike me because i've literally. just said what i've seen. so when you say what you've seen uh. people get angry there were some people. uh. that were uh knuckleheads in all these. movements that seem to just want to.

you know benefit themselves in in you. know do crazy things these are like. people. these were like dorks and i'm not again. um people are gonna be like they're. terrorists sure. sure but also let's not glorify them. uh by by making them out to be more than. what they are. they were willing to do some very stupid. things which they'll pay for. but they're idiots i mean they're not. the terrorists are always smart but like. these people believe in a fairy tale.

they're door i mean. some of them are like elderly you see. that old woman. you see the photo of her i'm gonna. compare her to like a like a terrorist. to like. the woman's got dementia she's wandering. around the capitol. she doesn't even know what's going on. you know what i mean. this is a crazy woman whose prescription. medication is. all messed up and she's. she's wandering around the capitol.

the woman that got mace too yeah yeah. you know i mean and then there's a woman. that got amazed. let's play her she's like i love how. nonchalantly she goes it's a revolution. they're like what are you doing here she. goes uh it's a revolution. tummy what do you think i'm doing. here we go ma'am fun. what happened to you fun couple alert i. got names. by the police you know by the way stop. that and what happened. she was getting amazed and her man was.

like. that's you know he's kind of unbothered. he's he's completely unaffected she's. just got mace in the face. he's you know in the ride home he looks. at her and goes you got a little excited. he got a little excited and she goes. well it was a revolution. i know i know i know but you got a. little excited and she's like they. didn't mace you and he goes why. you know you went nuts you went you. tried to jump on that cop's back.

she goes well it was a coup it was a. revolution you don't like anything i do. you never support me. if this woman could get a small business. loan to be a caterer would she be doing. this. yeah i made it like a foot inside and. they pushed me out. and they amazed me what's your name. what's your name where are you from my. name is elizabeth i'm from knoxville. tennessee. and why did you want to go in we're. storming the capitol it's a revolution.

we're storming the capital it's a. revolution. dummy are you dumb. we're storming the capitals but these. people just want to have fun i mean i. think it's time we open up dave and. busters we've gone too long. this didn't work this whole experiment. where americans didn't work. doesn't work let's take note. this doesn't seem to produce good. results. okay so i don't care what the next thing. is i don't care if it's the black plague.

i don't care if it's ebola hemorrhagic. fever. bleeding through the eyes when you close. down. fuddruckers and dave and busters and. applebees and fridays and two for one. margarita night at chili's. it ends a few months later with a guy in. horns. standing in the middle of the capital. that's where it ends. so think long and hard about that gavin. newsom think long and hard about where. this is going to end.

it's really crazy but the country is not. built. to do anything except work sadly it's. just what we're built to do. it's what we're built to do we are built. to just run at 100 miles an hour and. work and work and work and if we don't. do it it becomes a real problem and then. you get this and then you get this woman. who's. looks like kind of a normal suburban. lady kind of yeah. and i'm not saying that because she's. white i'm saying that because she. doesn't have blue hair and. face tattoos and nose rings she looks. kind of like whatever. i mean she's got a piano scarf is that a.

piano scarf maybe not i'm. straight no it's just striped uh i don't. love that but. this this looks like someone's. substitute teacher and she's getting. maced while she runs into the capital i. mean wow. you got to hand it to trump though he. knows how to sell a product he really. does. i mean you know he knows how to. celebrate you know he's walking around. looking at the tv. ah going like because i spoke to. somebody who made a good point. um and they were like they were like. yeah he's just walking around going good. good. this is good very happy oh yeah because.

he wants he wants people to know that he. can. he could [ __ ] he could cause little. ruckus and he's not going to be a. binding inauguration. he's going to be out of there let's play. our video which is very funny please. of course if you have not seen this uh. you should see this this is an interview. with. uh jake and jelly and we get to the. bottom of. of what jake and jelly's really all. about. i'm sorry things got out of hand okay. does everything people are saying about. me isn't true i'm an actor. i'm a voice actor i'm a musician stop.

the steel. what people saw yesterday was me doing. vocal exercises. me just kind of you know putting myself. out there for the first time. the industry just doesn't want a white. male unless they're literally storming. the capital you know. obviously save the children and and do a. coup. but also you know as important or even. more important. is to just try to like you know build my. socials this is my american idol this is. my the voice.

i think there is a hole in the market. for sort of this like reactionary. psychopath that's also very musical when. i first started working with q i thought. q mac quincy jones. people said to me what was yesterday was. it a revolution was it a coup. uh it was an exercise in branding we. have no problem. with the capitol police by the way we. have no problem they were nice to us we. took selfies with them they let us in. uh you know we met a lot of them on. 4chan sometimes i'm. sad and i feel like.

there's not a space for men to share. their feelings. in this country and i think that's. tragic. i'm willing to learn and grow i've been. reading a lot of tweets about my. behavior. that are making a lot of sense to me and. i'm going like back in my childhood and. i'm going. yeah yeah that was it yeah that was it. it's okay if i like the show shrill. on hulu it's my favorite show and i can. admit that like i like it because it's a.

big. powerful woman that's confident and that. makes me happy. i'm the victim yeah ridiculous by the. way everyone's like how did you get the. costume so how did you get the costume. so quickly ben avery went to the costume. shop ben avery. really whipped that up shout out to. jones fabric yeah. combination of everything joanne's. fabric what'd i say. jones oh my bad. we'll now do it the right way joanne's.

shout out to joanne's fabric in vegas is. [ __ ]. he acts like a petulant child now he. won't do it he's like. yeah um uh. what about uh the costume shop oh yes it. was uh we're gonna shout out this. costume shine this guy just because. they're it's like better than anything. in l.a they're. really cool uh star costume and. theatrical supply star. costume and theatrical supply if you go. in there tell them tim dillon. saying yeah maybe we'll get some some.

something off next one we probably won't. we didn't even uh we didn't even. we didn't even uh watch him call it we. didn't like uh we didn't go over. anything with them we should get a deal. yeah we should get a deal if i stairco. if people are going in there. yeah that's an ad this is an ad this is. an ad yeah can we. can we bully companies to pass. retroactively if i say a nice thing. about them on the show. like we do we do reads and then charge. them without ever approving anything i. mean can we call the win. and go hey this guy just talked about.

your valet the the lesbian of the valet. thing. said how good she was can we get a. couple of dollars here can we get some. money. i gotta i go to valley my car. let me tell you right now i go to i go. to valet in my car. they get. hey you mean i can't believe this they. put a black guy in the car. i mean i'm like hey buddy if i wanted my.

car stolen. i would have [ __ ] put it on blocks. myself sebastian. sebastian we appreciate you coming in. but we're this you're reading a. children's book you're reading a. children's book. and and and and you've just said some. very racist things into the mic and i. want you to kind of. focus right now because it seems very. strange. all right all right i don't even. all right all right sorry all right.

there's your busy miner but can i tell. you one thing. can i just tell you one thing i got a tj. maxx. they got one of these asians you don't. even. have you ever seen asian but they look. kind of like a native american. it's like this weird it's like all kinds. are wrong. you know what are you doing what's wrong. with your face. i don't know what to do with these. people do i go like this.

or do i like in a spicy tuna roll i. don't know. sebastian we're gonna have to that is a. fantasy that's a character i do where. um sebastian menescalca a brilliant. comedian who i really respect. uh says crazy things yeah. uh he they they bring him in to read a. children's book. and he just says he's like let me tell. you i gotta get something off my channel. and my father was a nazi his american. nazi party my father.

and he started explaining to me what. they believe. i have my father he started explaining. to me. about uh what the nazis believe i got to. be honest. uh it's pretty i mean come on it's. pretty accurate i think i'm a nut. so we think that's we think that's. really funny. um and now obviously that's a joke and. i've never spoken to him in real life. but he said nice things about me i. believe to people that have. relayed them to me but we have a lot of. respect for sebastian and we're not.

insinuating that he or his family. is in the american nazi party but it is. very funny to do that little there's no. there's no more fun voice to do i just. don't i mean you know what are you gonna. do. it's so entertaining i i just can't stop. i just but i will stop i will stop and i. imagine lawyers will. get involved eventually and. tell me to stop you know it's uh. we're working on a steak sauce we're. developing a steak sauce for people.

uh we're gonna launch that in a few. months we're trying to steal. a steak sauce recipe from a restaurant. there i. really want to i i i. the what is the way i've always wanted. to have a sauce. a steak sauce and i want it i. i'm not gonna take it from a place but. i do like i've gone to restaurants where. i go this is a good steak sauce.

do you know what i'm saying here like. what's the problem yeah. are you selling your steak sauce no so. then why am i not. you're inspired i'm inspired by it. i'm inspired by it and it's going to be. very good we're developing it we're. working with a chef. we'll try to do our steak sauce and uh. and and then sell it and bring it bring. it to market. so that we can you know you know we. don't have to like worry about these. other companies telling us what to do. and say.

you know freedom of speech that's right. steak sauce freedom speech i just like. to say things that will make the people. that hate me hate me so much more. and by connecting steak sauce to freedom. of speech which. you know is absurd uh the people that. whose job it is to hate me all day which. is by the way. good gig good gig um. well people just don't like you there. are people that. it's like it's like the q a thing it's.

the same with comedians it's like. everybody starts off going like i'm. gonna be a comedian and then that's q. and i people like we're gonna. save the kids and trump's gonna be the. king and then none of that happens and. then everyone's angry. at me people started out trying to be. comedians can't scratch two nickels. together. can't get a following to have no. audience and it's my fault. how is it my fault they've been doing. this. longer than i have but years and years. and somehow it's i've done it to you.

what or or or other people. other successful podcasters or people. we've all we're the problem. we're the issue and they all cloak. themselves in politics and they're like. i just. i could never i could never stoop to the. level. that you've stooped to the people you've. spoken to. okay congratu congratulations. congratulations. i hope has has that gotten you anywhere.

has your refusal to talk to anyone. gotten you anywhere. still no still no so you've refused to. speak to anyone and you haven't stooped. and still nothing. i'd start stooping i'd stoop. as low as humanly possible you roach. it's just there's a lot of people. there's business right so i understand. they'll q and i think i understand when. everything you believe. doesn't work out and it doesn't work out. because you were stupid to have believed. it in the first place.

that's why it doesn't work dummies. and then you can't get that angry at. yourself because what happens you go to. the holidays and you go like this with. the gun in your mouth. mummy you can't get that mad at yourself. so you have to dole out your hatred in. little bits. little bits and it's got to be i'm a. problem and it's. rogan or it's this guy or that guy and i. hate him. first of all you broke [ __ ] if anyone.

had asked you to sit next alex jones not. you would have sat next alex jones in. all of you would have in a minute by the. way. why because no one is asking to do. anything with anybody. so stop getting angry at me this isn't. even a specific person it's just. there's people out there it's just i. just don't understand like. how embarrassing is it you're living in. the heyday. of leftist not really leftist but more.

liberal non-comedy you're living that. heyday if you couldn't make a buck. sucking now you'll never make a buck. you didn't even have to be funny you. just had to go. [ __ ] show up at stephen colbert's. office. and and [ __ ] i don't even know. claim to be an eskimo on your mother's. side and write. nine horrible monologue jokes and you.

got 3 500 a week. if you didn't make a living sucking. because i know you hate podcasts you. hate all of us because we make a living. like being funny. with our fans it you know it's it's cool. it's a. it's fun for the most part it's some of. it's not. um but if you couldn't if you couldn't. get a writing gig. and then all these woke people you know. what they all say to you. they all tweet about how horrible. podcasting is.

all for it's right-wing fascist. and then you know what happens when you. go hey man you got a writing job they go. no i'm white. i'm a white guy can't get a writing job. what you sound like the right-wing guy. i'm not complaining about not writing on. you know. boko haram's new show or whoever they're. giving a show to. on [ __ ] cartoon network i don't give. a [ __ ] the funniest new comedian. boko haram like whoever i i mean no one.

cares. no one cares or or whatever whatever. terrorist group. sounds eerily like the name. of a comedian you know i'm a fan like. you know. i'm not mad that i didn't get the. netflix special they gave to ansar al. islam. doesn't matter to me. doesn't matter to me i like antarel.

islam. some of the bits are good you go that's. good. but it's just so funny all these people. then they turn around and they say well. i'm white i can't get. i i can't get in the writers room and. i'm like okay. i'm like but yet all you do you know. how's the how's the non-stop. capitulating. and and to self-flagellation and. disgracing yourself. and throwing yourself at the altar of. those that would seek to impoverish and. destroy you. how's that working how has it worked.

how has it worked doing nothing with. throwing yourself at the altar of the p. the same people that want you to be. homeless. and to being like they're so good. they're so. funny you're so good has everyone seen. this new show it's so. good. grow up you're too old all of you you're. too old. you're old you're elderly your credits. are like network television.

your people are trotting out like the. drew carrich i mean it's a horror. what were you people on empty nest. enough. zh1 chat shows i mean a sahara here. it's crazy let it go go to a farm. go away christ almighty with these. people. you can't make a dollar in comedy now. you don't even have to be good. if you're a woman and you don't own four.

houses as a comedian right now. kill yourself. you dumb [ __ ] you should own. nine houses. if you are a minority and haven't gotten. a set on conan. hang it up hang it. up okay. and if you're a funny white guy and you.

can't scratch together a couple foul on. a patreon to pay the rent. you ain't a funny white guy clean it up. get it out enough with the whining. if you are a funny white guy that's. being ignored by the business. and you can't scratch up a couple of g's. on patreon you can't scratch up a few. friends then it's time to put the horns. on and go to the capitol. because you're living in a gold rush. of [ __ ] everything they make is [ __ ].

so now you can do something good shane. gillis is doing it. nick mullen's doing it i'm doing it. other people are doing it. do it ryan long makes sketches every. he's doing it andrew schultz is doing it. there are people doing it. just shut up and do it who cares or. don't. or do it for your people do it for your. fans that whatever they want. you know i remember when i got to la. people like yeah well yeah you got in. with the rogan crew but i'm not really.

in with those guys cause i'm not an. ultimate fighter where do you think i. met joe at a fighting gym. you dummies i'm a fat [ __ ] you just. suck. you're not good who told you you were. good. sue them sue them the people that told. you you were good at this. me sue them you should be knocking on. their door going. what the [ __ ] you told me that was good. well you're ki you are good a little i.

don't know what happened. they're like yo i'm not in an mma so i'm. not here with those guys i've never said. anything. to joe rogan about mma. ever ever we've never had one cover i. said what do you think's gonna happen. with the jake. uh paul fight and i asked him once. if uh one of the hulking lesbians at the. frozen yogurt shop was amanda nunez he. said no. that was it i i have no interest i don't. give a [ __ ]. it's whining all the time everybody.

everybody's so. some i'm too good at my job to make. money mullen had that great point. where he's like that people are like too. funny to be funny. they're too good at their job to make. money what. this is if you're like in the industry. it's like this is like the golden era of. sucking at comedy if you can't make. money now. god forbid god forbid it goes back to a. point when like the minimum amount of. talent's required. then you're really [ __ ] all you have. to do right now is kind of show up.

look decent talk about how much kamala. harris. has made you feel energized about the. future of the country. i mean stephen colbert kimmel they're. all crying they're all. crying you'll never leave the spend time. none of those people will ever be. respected ever again. none of them they've all destroyed their. legacies destroyed and they were very. funny. they've destroyed their legacies by. being mouthpieces. of a political and getting out and. crying and being unfunny. and being absurd they're forever not. funny anymore you will never see them.

and they don't care what they do maybe. they. maybe they donate a lot of money to. breast cancer good for them but. they will never be funny ever again ever. ever ever again so that will never be. funny again. unless they reverse course hire nick. mullen shane gillis. me and candace owens and unless they do. that and i don't see that happening but. if they don't do that they're [ __ ]. forever. sorry if you don't let candace owens. host. and have me shane and nick then you're. not then it's not going to be funny. and higher the leftist red scare and.

the period or whatever these you know my. period and. karl marx or whoever these [ __ ] you. know uh. uh you know uh sardonic [ __ ] are that. are pretty funny actually. bring them in too who cares but if it's. just the same. [ __ ] northeastern liberal arts school. concert like. being fat is my oh shut up like it's. over it is over this pandemic killed. those shows. it's killed us in that it's killed all.

that but it's opened the space up. for other people to do [ __ ] so just stop. [ __ ] whining stop [ __ ] wanting i. have so much more respect for that [ __ ]. that got made to the capitol. then i do these dumb people that just. sit there and [ __ ] whine just do. something just do something i don't care. what it is it doesn't matter. doesn't matter what it is to me or. anything i don't care what the [ __ ] you. do that's why i don't rat on people i. don't know what people are going through. i don't rat i don't call people up and. say. hey you should be in trouble storming. the cat i don't know why those month. those [ __ ] stormed the capital.

capitol though there were kids inside i. mean i don't know. they had to find out there weren't the. old-fashioned way okay. and the black lives matter people are. burning down bodegas and i don't really. love that but i don't you know i've had. some real attitude. from some of the koreans in a bodega. real attitude and i'm not even black. they get a lot worse. so i don't really get involved. you see i don't rap people out i don't. get involved stop getting involved. cut your friend group in in in don't cut.

it in half cut it in nothing. strip it up get them all out of your. life. go down to vegas they're happy to have. you the [ __ ] are happy to have you the. restaurants are happy to have you. they're happy if you park your car you. can just go to vegas. play a few hands lose then go back up to. the hotel room order the chocolate cake. we almost vomited it was horrible. it was like the display cake they gave. us it was very bad but. but it's enough with the who cares. and i again i know that it's not. applicable to many people.

it's just my own twitter timeline it's. my but this is my own show and i whine. about the [ __ ] that i whine about. so it's my own timeline of people that. just it's just exhausting. what and they're getting old these are. people in their 40s and. 50s that are old and they're complaining. and it's like guys. it's not cute anymore it's not. cute no one believes everyone. that's uh leapfrogged you and this is a. nazi. how how [ __ ] lucky for you.

huh how coincidental imagine they're. like telling their. children which they won't have they're. like well i was on a great path in. comedy but then comedy was taken over by. nazis and the kid would be like well. what do you mean. actually it seems like mainstream comedy. is just full of people that. believed all the things you believed. so what did you do did you spend all day.

smoking weed and drinking. water you don't understand i was dealing. with my. mental health and i had anxiety and. depression i was manic depressive i had. you know i had multiple personalities. and none of them were funny. none of them so that's all i'm saying. i'm saying that we're trying we're. developing a steak sauce. it's going to be very good it'll be the. greatest sauce. that has ever touched a steak and we're. we're we're. we're uh we're doing all we can here.

we're meeting with. chefs and food developers and i want to. get into the food business i really want. to own i just want to open a restaurant. and be done with this i i hope that. hurray time horizon for that is ten. years. five to ten years i just want to own a. restaurant. and then blow my brains out on opening. night in front of everyone once it's. once everybody's there and everything's. nice and everyone goes this is really. good i just get in the middle of the. room like bud dwyer and go. good night just to see like. blood all over ben and his wife's face.

as they said they'll have made enough. money that so they won't care and they. they just sit there eating unaffected. yeah. having their basic [ __ ] conversations. about nonsense. about god only knows what they talk. about when i'm dead they. can't talk about killing me talk about. the length of grass on someone's lawn. you know you know. blue chew it helps your pp get hard.

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you want to do some things to it so. again it's box of awesome.com use code. tim dillon for 20. off your first box but i'll tell you. this folks i'm just i'm just saying. god love you out there don't rat you. lose this part of your soul. everybody needs to figure things out on. their own yes it seems a bit extreme to. storm into the capital to find out. things aren't exactly the way you think. but who am i to judge you're probably. going to do a few years in the clink for. that. probably do a few years of slammer and. you know our criminal justice system. isn't really. rehabilitative you know so you'll.

probably come out much worse it's. probably destroyed your entire life. you won't be able to get jobs and it'll. be a [ __ ] nightmare all because you. believed in some horse [ __ ] and you ran. into the capital so. stop that [ __ ] stop it. it's bad for you in terms of like it's. long. term and net negative to get get to get. worked up enough to go storm the capital. i mean listen but i'm i'm i'm not. getting you in trouble. i'm not trying to get you fired from the. call center.

i think you should you can still heat up. somebody's soup at panera. i don't care i'm gonna tell you you. can't put together an asiago turkey club. at panera because you're a nazi. you're a nazi you make sandwiches in the. suburbs. it's kind of what you should do it's not. exactly a win. huh what am i gonna do what are we gonna. force all these people. into more desperate situations how's. that gonna work out. has anyone played that out in their head. we're gonna fire all these people.

and then force them into more desperate. situations. what could be worse what could be worse. than than than storming the capital with. horns on the top of your head yes. my career like the people that i know. comics they're much worse. but at the end of the day. you know they also they don't have any. balls to storm the capital you know they. can't even. even storm the [ __ ] out their own. door but. you know it's bad enough for half of. these people.

you know it's just it's it's so crazy. to think about to think about. how this all ended and how it all came. apart. you know it was bad for a while. and then it got it got worse it started. it started coming apart. it's it's just you know it's completely.

it it's unr it's an unraveling it's an. unraveling that's been unraveling it's. just. unraveled now it might get better maybe. now people start to go okay. let's just let's chill out you know what. i mean. let's relax let's build let's build. again let's build a time because. you know spurts of crazy are fun a. prolonged period of insanity nobody. likes that. so let's go back to something boring for.

a little bit. let's go back to something boring and. then we can turn up the crazy again. just for fun but don't don't rat anybody. out please. don't be that person don't be the person. that [ __ ]. informs on your fellow citizens no. matter how misguided they may be don't. don't be a. don't inform for the state don't turn. states right don't be a. [ __ ] narc on your fellow crate i.

would never i would. never narc on any of these. antifa super soldiers. dykes in portland that own all the ice. cream shops. i would never knock on them i would. never narc i just walk in. i i stare at them silently. i say hello their name is like i don't. know. some genderless one syllable.

insane thing makes no sense like. star with three r's and like a chinese. symbol or something i'm like hello. i'm like the [ __ ] fascism in this. country is out of control and she's like. i think they know i'm undercover they. kind of know. she's like yeah and i'm like all right. well. the white chocolate and you know. a little rocky road and a little whipped. cream on that thank you. she gives it to me i go eat it and then.

she goes you know back to you know i. don't know beating up andy no. i don't know not my problem. stop making everything your problem you. know and. and just move the [ __ ] on but you know. it's fun being out there in vegas. hopefully hopefully things calm down i. think they will i'm very excited we're. going back on the road soon i have some. dates. uh that we'll put out uh hopefully. sooner rather than later but we're. coming to mcgoobies in baltimore we're. going to.

comedy connection in providence rhode. island and i'll be uh at seoul joel's. it's an outside thing in pennsylvania. doing the best we can. to get out there and perform but you. know it's harder and harder right now. and um you know we'll be. we'll be having some fun i believe i'm. doing logan paul's podcast again with. whitney. you know whenever she is available to do. that uh podcast she's had some accidents. she walked into a wall and. this is according to her instagram story. which is public she walked in a wall and. she was attacked by dogs.

stop helping animals. stop helping stray animals you know. so i don't i don't know what happened. but she was like something happened. where she was attacked. by a dog and her her hands are all. screwed up. i don't get it i don't understand it but. you know and you know what's even. weirder about that somehow a dog. attacked her in a pharmacy.

very strange and the dog was wearing a. vest that said dea. so odd these dogs. dogs with jobs i'm of course kidding. um we will see everyone uh. next week ben writes the whole show ben. if you have any problem with anything i. say ben writes the script he hands it to. me i deliver it every single episode. this is the nazi this is the problem you. have a problem with me you have a. problem with him.

i'll go i'll go woke i'm just the puppet. he's the one who writes the script if he. writes a different script i will say. different things i want to be on lily. sings show. i want to be on lily sings show imagine. looking at lily sing and going i'm i. can't make it in comedy. imagine looking at lily sing and going i. just can't. figure a way to make it god anything is. i mean there are instagram stars in the. middle of this country. that are just making it because they are.

funny on instagram. and they don't even know what comedy is. they don't care they're just [ __ ]. farting in wheelbarrows. and making more money than all these. [ __ ] bitter losers that i [ __ ]. know. be one of those people be one of those. people. you know i don't know what to [ __ ]. tell you. we're coming up with a mistake so it's. gonna be really good. we it might take a year to launch we. don't care but it'll be the best sauce. on the market. if we if we get it perfect if it's not. perfect i won't launch it.

or i'll take mcdonald's barbecue sauce. we'll put them in a bottle and then put. our name on it and put it out we don't. know yet but it'll be one of the two. it'll either be the best sauce ever or. you will get sick. you know which is i think a pretty. fitting narrative for. this show and the united states of. america it's either gonna work out. really well. or you will get sick you know or you'll. be sick and it'll work out that's the. real fun. you just go insane and things work it's.

it's a fun way to do it do we have a p.o. box there for people to send us things. we will next week next week we have a po. box you can begin sending things to the. show. uh jake angeli uh. will be our guest. next week he'll be the governor of. arizona. oh for sure within 10 years the. country's ending exactly how it's. supposed to. that's what's truly terrifying actually.

everything that's happening is. actually should happen. you know what i mean yeah the nuclear. codes are being taken away from trump i. mean it's like. everything there's people with horns at. the capitol there's soccer moms are. being maced in the face. because they believe that they're. protecting kids from tom hanks i mean. no this is everything that should go. down. going down vegas is emptied out. there's nothing to do people are just.

gaming it's the. the end of you know the the economy. there's just people just. pulling slots pulling slots wear your. mask. just got the mask on still smoking butts. pulling slots. butts butts out ash the butt put the. mask on. just still pulling slots in vegas. you know i mean it's it's it's truly the. way it all should should go down but i. think. maybe we'll hit a wall with this it will.

turn around and things will get uh. things will get you know much brighter. and beautiful. more you know i don't know i mean it. could be i'm very excited about the. spring and the summer. of being you know happy we'll always but. always know this always know this. no matter how happy things get in this. country. we take it our jobs very seriously and. we will always go out and find the. horror. for you and then deliver it to you we. will always go out and find the hell. because there'll be.

no shortage of unadulterated. hell pain horror. we'll find it for you i will deliver it. for you. don't worry about it don't don't despair. don't you know what i mean this isn't. going to be this isn't going to turn. into like. jimmy kimmel or stephen colbert were. they like. [Music]. hey everybody i'm on. 19 [ __ ] pills to not kill myself and. here's what i have to hey miley.

hey everybody hey who's this. it's [ __ ] shit's creek and [ __ ] good. dad leave me from [ __ ] screen you know. what is this quick. it's dead quick they're leaving quick ah. quest practice here who follows me on. instagram. oh really respect to chris pratt i. didn't mean that when i said that. i didn't mean whenever i said i was just. i was.

fearful. actually you should put me in a movie. put me in something. put me in one of them you don't want it. to work you gotta you know do. let's throw one to the wolves. something fun let's do something fun. you know i should just dm him because he. follows my instagram i should dm and go. hey man brass tacks are you gonna. produce my film. or not because quite frankly.

we should do that to philippe yeah yeah. hey ryan are you gonna produce our movie. can you cut it out please. a lot of celebrities listen to the show. very weird odd but not. not that weird when you think that we're. we're kind of commenting. on things that they they like uh to hear. this you know. but they're in that in that world of. like can't really say anything. can't really say anything ever about.

anything so. you know they just they enjoy hearing. you know i guess. this message you wouldn't think they. would. but they do we're about 10 minutes over. the hour here. as you can tell the broadcasting quality. has declined precipitously. but if i were to keep doing the show for. like nine hours. on my 10th hour i would suck as much as. everyone else. like that's what most other people are. putting out by the way.

other than like 20 of us that's what. most people are doing okay. i'll be back on the king and the sting. co-hosting with brendan schaub the. greatest comedy team in history. this is what a lot of people are saying. it's not abbott and costello or laurel. and hardy it is me and brandon shaub. on the king in the sting so uh. if you believe that and that is a widely. held belief. so if you believe that as i i don't know. if i believe it but i've just heard it. so frequently that i have to believe it.

so. uh very good and then uh. that'll be performing the paramount or. some theater in austin at the end of. january. got tickets i tweeted it out i'll figure. out what it is it's socially distanced. but. it's around there i don't even know i. can find it on your twitter hold on. kenya this will take three hours i hope. no one's got anything to do. would you tweet it out i don't know it's. socially distanced. um let me see is it on my website. i don't think so just say austin or yeah.

no i mean it's just just go to my. website. and it's probably not on there either. no yeah it's not on there well whatever. if you could find it it's a problem go. to the paramount austin tim dylan moon. tower comedy thing at austin. go moon tower comedy tim dylan paramount. austin i i'm it's in [ __ ] austin. tower comedy it's tim dillon it's there. paramount theater i knew it yeah january.

21st. and the 22nd which is my birthday. january 22nd is my birthday i'm turning. 19 years old very excited their. website's not loading but. their website's not loading it's real. folks it's real it's actually happening. late january i'll be in austin texas. there it is. thursday january 21st january 22nd. january 23rd. in austin texas old-ass bio there that's. fine not holding it again it's very. exciting it is a big theater.

and it's socially distant so hopefully. we'll have a lot of fun there so grab. tickets to that. if you want to come and see me do you. have anything to plug. are you doing anything you want people. to oh listen to. uh the tim dillon show on youtube. patreon.com the tim dillon show you had. a podcast but you're now done with it. i'm done yeah you're done with it okay. maybe you'll start another one. with uh with you how about i start a. podcast with you no or you're the. co-host.

you need more of a following i'm not. doing a crossover unless it's someone. that has a big. following like little huddy. it would be it would be funny one day if. you'd sat here and i just did. you like we had a crossover called the. ben avery show and you produced and i. hosted. yeah and you would just go hello start. just practice do what you would do the. first minute. hello everybody i'm here with i'm here. with my co-host and producer tim dillon. uh we went to vegas this weekend.

vegas is a crazy place with crazy people. you know the thing i like about vegas. the valet people at the casinos now are. thankful.

that's what you have that's all you have. it's a different it's a 60-second. podcast. but you were copying a lot of what i. said which was disappointing to me. well actually how about this the ben. avery show should be a recap. of the tim dillon show every week we do. three days later. where i talk about what you talking. about no one's doing that. do you see what happens when you let him. speak how how.

crazy and off the rails against people. like you. a lot of people like you because they. don't know you this is true. they don't really know you because. they've they've been allowed little. parts of you i've only showed them the. parts of you that i feel will help you. out. yes but they don't know the parts of you. that need not only the. uh leather strap but the buckle whereas. when. you need ben needs to get the buckle. where it's like you just. you ever get hit with a buckle yeah my. dad used to do paddle and belt yeah with. a buckle.

well like the i think sometimes i can. hit with the buckle but not across the. face if that's what you mean but on my. ass it's a lot my butt but you need well. you need those beatings. big paddle yeah you need you need more. you need more of that. you need to live in constant fear for. your life and that is when you are at. your best that's what. tina turner michael jackson let's not. lie here. when people stop getting tortured. everything started to suck. billy eilish just had like a lovely.

childhood which is why everything's like. i went to i'm happy. that's why that's what happened now. if it was like. billy would be like oh i'm billy i'll. ish i got my ass kicked so i'm good.

now. why won't she come on this [ __ ] goon. i'm kidding billy shout out to billy. island she's our sponsor. yeah she sponsors the show we will watch. that doc when it comes out. oh yeah that one that looks like who. took johnny looks scarier than who took. johnny i wish we could play it it's. terrifying i mean is it terrifying it's. like. it's like horror movie music hey hey hey. you're from the suburbs. cut it out this is why people get sick.

of white people. because they got to do this goth horror. [ __ ] and it's like you know what you. grew up in the suburbs things aren't. that [ __ ] bad. i got katy perry and dance around with a. with an inflatable dolphin. and get junked up every night please. stop acting like you've been through it. okay you mini witch. act like these [ __ ] they grew up in. the suburbs things aren't that bad. what happened you got sad one day okay. enough stop making these documentaries.

like these horror movies where it's like. you don't know how dark and complicated. it all is no. it's not that dark and complicated she. is talented. she has talent and she sings songs for. people that. cut themselves fine no problem with that. not hating on her i think some of her. music is good. but let's not make why are we making a. documentary about her anyway she's. 13. secondly why is it the darkest thing. ever where it's like. you'll never understand what it's like.

do you not want this would you like all. the theaters and the audiences to go. away. no but it's more complex than that. there's. layers of okay well don't do it. you don't have to do it you want to work. at the. shoe barn. you know i would start in a great line. once about barbra streisand. but was like i just feel so exposed on. stage and so vulnerable and howard stern. was like hey didn't feel that way when. you were hungry.

you know this exposure and this. vulnerability is a bit. new but uh how great would it be if the. majority of the billiage documentaries. devoted to talking about me. and the joke i made about her on. instagram she has no idea who i am. if you know billy eilish tell her about. me and tell her how much you like me and. tell her how much you think that. me and her should collab because i could. collab with her on a song easily. totally i could be like i could write a. billy eilish song.

yeah right i'll just i'll take the beat. can you find a billy eilish instrumental. royalty free all right. yeah do it do a royalty-free billy. eilish instrumental i can easily write a. billy island song. g free billy eilish type. cats we're just gonna go after the first. one here look at this. easy.

in a cloud. i had a nightmare about your breath. [Music]. there were bats and blood. i was sad i left my lunchbox. on the bus my life's a horror show. i'm dark and complex.

i'm sad sometimes aren't you. sad too you work at the cell phone store. my brother showed me his genitalia. and someone said i read in the book that. wasn't. okay. but then my agent said shut your mouth.

satan's your friend and i said. who is satan and my agent said. we're all satan and i said. that sounds good. so me and my brother and my mama and my. daddy. got an old car i eat vegan food and i. like. my ancient satan. i perform in a stadium.

for girls that are very sad. some of them can't keep down the lunch. they ate. that afternoon i don't know why i'm. getting deeper. billy eilish is a black guy oh lord. jesus. i'm billye. i'm. if she released uh an album as like a.

blue singer and everyone just had to be. like. i guess it's okay she's like oh lord. the pain i've been through. ladies and gentlemen show uh ladies and. gentlemen thank you we'll see you next. week goodbye. okay we just finished recording we're. coming back on really quickly. uh just to say trump was banned from. twitter you guys all know that right now. uh twitter released a statement saying. it's uh due to the increased incitement. of violence. um so.

you know you knew it was coming i think. trump's going on parlor. it'll be interesting what does the news. say we'll cut we'll keep following this. story. we'll keep following the story um. yeah i don't i don't know how i feel. about it i i don't. think that the ban. is appropriate. but i mean you know this is also coming.

on the heels of some shenanigans. but i i do think the band's a little. much but i also think that like hey. this is kind of what this guy wanted i. think he wanted it to go down like this. he kind of wanted it to end like this. i think he's getting his wish really. truly i think this is what he wants. all right good luck out there.