#229 - Blankets and Bug Chasers | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim. dillon show. i am tim dillon comedian member of the. media. and the father of candace owens child. and i did not announce that when she was. on but i feel like it's time to come. clean with you and let you know that the. child of candace owns will be having. is mine. [Music]. ben by the way a lot of people not. really. four were angry about candace.

coming on the show and they said i. didn't push. back enough which i did but you know who. did. no pushback ben. ben said nothing the entire interview. he wasn't even on screen okay. and i don't platform anyone he runs the. tech. he chose to platform candace owens. and say nothing not one rebuttal. i thought he booked megan the stallion.

i was shocked that candace owens was on. the show i apologize. it was very tough to hear for many. people. my aunt who is a liberal heard the. episode. and you know what she did what shot. herself. she shot herself in the face. after she heard the episode.

and i feel so what was that thing on the. legion of skank subreddit. you read about my stepmother oh. supposedly it's like folklore on that. subreddit that someone showed up to your. stepmother's house and said hi i'm a fan. of tim dillon. and she got really mad and and what do. they get for that clout. i think that's clout yeah hey if you. want that's cloud. saying i'm a fan of timmy if you want. clout kill her. you want real clout kill her.

i'm kidding it's the holidays it's the. holidays. in l.a and the decorations are out and. you can't see them and if you try to see. them you'll be in jail. i don't know why we've even put the. decorations up this year. let's skip it let's skip it. if you drive down sunset boulevard or. west hollywood there are actually. decorations and no people.

it is such a haunting scene. and then there's all these lines of. covet tests everybody's getting tested. for covin. in the car it looks like in and out but. everybody's getting a q-tip up the nose. to see if they have sars cove to. the coronavirus what a shitty way to. spend a day. you know man.

i was watching that comedy store uh. documentary. the other day and uh on showtime. and uh there are parts of it that are. well done and then there are parts of it. where you go. huh i re so they the episode i watched. last night they get whitney rogan burr. leno annie letterman and they all. take covet tests they all have masks on. and they have. they take covet tests and then they sit.

down and mike binder who did the. documentary by the way it's like about. him. think about him what's going on. he's like it's mostly about my journey. with splashes of kenneth in here and. there. little prior but more me. they're all sitting outside and i and. i'm not bitter that i'm not in it i've. seen it now now i'm like. kind of like that i'm not in it but i. got passed at the comp don't be nervous. i got passive to comedy i don't care if. i ever do this again for living. i truly don't i truly truly don't uh i.

truly don't. i um i was passed at the comedy store. about um which i love i love the store. uh i was passed like a few weeks after. this happened. you know after the whole thing was shot. with the majority of it but they shot a. scene where everybody gets coveted. and so apparently it's in the midst of a. pandemic. and then mike binder looks at everybody. and goes what's going on with pc. culture.

and i'm like what in the [ __ ] are you. talking about. the biggest event a seismic. event an asteroid that hit. live performance harder than anything. this guy's going. what do you think about pc culture and. then there's comedians. by the way everyone in that documentary. is like 75. i got to be honest i got to be honest.

you start looking around you're going i. don't know does it feel that. hot stand up don't feel that hot. right now it's like it's all like. elderly people telling you. well when i was a youth richard. it's like it's not it and i love. stand-up and i love doing it and i'll. keep doing it. but part of the reason why i like it is. it is a dead art. okay and and and that documentary. i mean christ.

it's just it's a museum it's a mausoleum. in there i mean some mausoleum. i mean i was watching with a friend. who's a fan of everybody and they're. like. here's the question i love comedy and. comics are more talented. inherently than tick-tock people but is. a documentary about the tick-tock kids. more interesting. yes is and i like that you didn't. hesitate.

it's a documentary about the kids on. tick-tock more interesting. than somebody being like it's just a. joke. [Laughter]. no one cares about pc look guys it's not. even real. i had candace on nobody's people were. mad at me but nobody's trying to cancel. me it doesn't it's over. no one cares and it's still like this. narrative that people keep bringing up. it makes stand-ups look. weak you look weak when you. whine just say it and step.

back when i was fighting with people on. twitter. about the candace owens thing i was. fighting because i had a point. i had a point and they had a point they. whatever their point was whatever my. point was. but i don't care that you're mad i knew. you were gonna be mad when we had her on. the show. that's part of the fun. you see i'm not bringing on a history. teacher. who no one knows or cares about i'm. bringing on a woman who's gonna ruffle a.

few feathers. i get so this whining week piece it's. just. got it's every podcast has been about. this. and only this. so i watched that for a few minutes and. then i had to turn that off. it's just a joke you got jay leno up. there be like. it's a duck what are we doing. what's going on here who cares i don't. care.

enough with the legends enough with the. don't you want to kill these people. do these people die do they ever go away. having these [ __ ] have not been. funny in forever. forever and we all have to sit there. like they're [ __ ] christ they climb. down off the cross and we got to wash. their feet. and annoy it's enough is enough already. and i respect them. and uh you know i respect i respect the.

the roads they paved so that i may have. to drive. down them but we got to be funny here. doesn't everyone remember that we got to. be a little. funny we can't just sit around on. a trillion dollars they should make. chairs made of money. when they ask these people to pay they. should have to sit in a chair of money. they have to take the money out of their.

banking and make a couch of it. and we're making money we're not. [ __ ] on people that make money. but it's like it's a pandemic there's. all this [ __ ] to talk about nobody cares. about pc culture. nobody gives a [ __ ] enough pipe down. go down to comedy magic club tell. everybody you know tell everybody that. the pc culture can you can wade through. an anti-mask protest on the way in there.

down in hermosa beach. the l.a lockdown's confusing because. you're not supposed to leave your house. but the mcrib is back. it's odd it's a strange thing go down. and let's see what we can do and what we. can't do because i don't even know. non-essential travel of any kind is is. is is. banned that word essential. is a very subjective word closure of all.

on-site restaurants though takeout. delivery remains open. personal services hair salons. barbershops are closed. essential retail open. okay parks and beaches remain open for. activities but no gatherings go alone. schools following protocols can remain. open if they have a state. waiver. people are like the lockdown's not going.

to do enough it's not severe enough. what do you want the tanks in the street. so there are several exemptions. faith-based outdoor services and the. homeless. i don't even know what that means by the. way this is not the new studio the new. studio is being built. yes it's going to be very exciting. you're going to love it it's going to be. great. this made me laugh the other day get. this up josh richards who's a tick-tock. kid. we like because he's industrious is. handing out blankets to the homeless.

and i think he's an investor in the. blanket company. where he's handing out blankets. to the homeless and that's kind of funny. can we can we play this i mean i don't. think we can can we. without volume i think we can because. there's probably music in this. let me see.

see we have a plan everyone says l.a. doesn't have a plan it's right here. what's the i think kevin newsom is doing. a great job what's the prize to plan. right here. the tick tock kids are giving blankets. to the homeless people is. is that not a plan i think it's great. now go find out if he owns i think he. owns a part of the blanket company. i think he said on his twitter which is. great because as you're giving the. blankets to the homeless you're kind of.

also selling them. and going hey if you scratch a few. dollars together. you might want to think about purchasing. one of these. you might want to think about you might. want to think about getting involved. but this seems like a great plan. remember when i joked around this is why. i should never joke. because everything i say comes true. remember when i said this was months ago. that if you were [ __ ] during this. economy you couldn't rely on the. government you had to hope that david. dobrik shot you with a potato gun.

or that jeffree star decided to put 5. 000. in your account on venmo remember when i. said that you were only going to be. relying on. influencers i said that and i said it is. a bit. it is now a reality if you are homeless. in los angeles hopefully your needs. dovetail with an influencers publicity. campaign. hopefully you get chosen to be one of. the people. handed out a product that's all you got.

now. good luck good luck getting anybody else. interested. these guys are walking around handing. out he goes like this. this is like the funniest i mean i just. folks gotta laugh. and this kid like i don't hate the kid. at all but i would do [ __ ] like like if. i was him. i i'm not gonna be him but if i was him. i would do [ __ ] like this. he's like he goes i am pleased to. announce that i am joining unhide. whatever that means as co-creative. director as an investor and a partner in.

the company i believe will change the. world. i hope through my actions i can expire. generation z to take on the issue of. animal efficacy. right and join me in my mission to. create a national conversation about it. so what is that the blanket company yeah. i believe so uh what is the blanket. company. so i think they don't use animal fur. like they don't so it's awesome well. that's what the homeless are concerned. about. here's a blanket and there were no. animals made the homeless were like can. you get some animals and cook them and.

bring them to me. oh folks folks it doesn't get better. than this huh. this is ellen degeneres's faux fur brand. this is ellen degeneres's faux fur brand. so you know what it is. it is not made out of animal products. it's made from the hair of her. interns which she plucks out one by one. when they're late. so ellen degeneres who's as we've. covered runs in. abu ghraib style torture prison at her.

show is now making blankets. out of her interns body hair which are. being handed out to homeless people. by josh richards and the tick tock kids. that's what i'm hearing. and i'm for it i'm not against any part. of it. every mechanism there i think is working. the way it should work. if i was homeless and i saw two kids in. beanies cool little young kids come up. to me. i gave me a blanket and they said by the. way this is uh no animals used and uh.

hey here's a gift from ellen i'd say. thank you. and here's a gift from ellen. so that's what that's that's the la. homelessness. thing here don't worry about it. i i i i hope everybody is is. as excited about this as i am in this. city this. rapidly crumbling metropolis magic speed. on my spoon.

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palmedius who's a very talented comedian. i i don't i didn't go through the whole. show so i don't want to comment on the. show. some people will love it some people. won't it's it's it's a one. woman show um. she's she's uh dressed up there as her. character nate. and the whole show is about consent this. is the. this is what i was confused there's like. a scene where she's got a mannequin on. the floor. yeah and she's it's about toxic. masculinity the whole show. by the way every man i know every.

straight man i know is like weeping. openly. where is this toxic masculinity i'd like. to see more of it you know who has a lot. of toxic masculinity recently. women they're tough as nails. but men are like openly weeping every. straight friend i have cries all the. time. yes it's because i'm always telling them. how horrible they are and everything. but who's gonna do that if not me. so this nate is about toxic masculinity. about men running around and being toxic. and just.

raping and pillaging essentially and. there's like uh there's a scene where. there's a mannequin on the floor. and nate the character goes i don't know. what to do what should i do with the. mannequin on the floor. who is looking at someone. i know that there are rapists and i know. that there's frat boy douchebag. i'm not the guy that doesn't believe any. of that. but who is looking at someone on the. floor. and going there's a gray area here.

i don't understand i watched someone. have a heart attack once in a diner i. got up and left. i said goodbye i was out. who was looking at someone on the floor. i didn't go to a four-year college. and i know things go on there people. drink whatever. but it seems like you know it's like oh. there's a lot of gray area out there. there is but there's also not. right there's a lot of black and white. areas of like don't rape.

people. there's a point in the show that's a. little culty where she's like. ask ask and the audience is like ask. ask. i'm just confused clearly a talented. woman i'm just confused about. the issue here of consent i'm i'm. confused. about it apparently there's much more of. a gray area than i had. originally imagined i thought.

that if someone is too drunk to have sex. with you do not. have sex with them. if someone is passed out on the floor. certainly. do not have sex with them give them a. blanket. give them a blanket that ellen degeneres. made but don't have. sex with them so i'm just confused but. again people are gonna get mad at me. they're gonna be like you don't. understand the rape that goes on. everyone is raped at every minute of. their lives.

you fat [ __ ] just cause you don't get. raped. doesn't mean i'm sorry i've never been. raped. you got to apologize to people now that. you you haven't been raped and that. you're not dead of covert. every day you should be dead the choices. you've made in your life. i'm sorry i'm not dead of covert and i'm. sorry i haven't been raped i hope they. happen at the same time. so you can all have an i told yourself. festival somewhere. you have to apologize for just being.

alive. and it's just such a nice way to call. you a fat [ __ ] with people going. you better watch out about this people. call you they go. you got to be careful you have to be. real. you have to be careful you have to be. very careful. you look at you if people are calling. you. and telling you to be careful you look. like [ __ ]. that's just the reality if people are. really calling you concerned about. calvin. you look like [ __ ] that's just a great. way to know and just know it.

just be aware i've had fat friends i was. talking to ray this morning. i've had fat friends that had no idea. they were fat there was a girl in the in. the store. the other day and they're like she's. walking around lashing the polo out like. she's loud. she's like getting everyone to help her. and find things. if you're a fat person in a clothing. store you should treat it like a heroin. attitude just got out of prison. keep your head down walk around quietly. and get out of there. go in try a few things on quietly and.

then go oh none of them fit and then. leave. and then go sit your corny chick-fil-a. don't be like. the queen of the store be like get me. [ __ ]. all right that's a dot. so when someone calls her up because you. got to watch out for covet she goes what. do you mean. but that's a great way if you don't know. how you look. how concerned have people been about you. getting covered. if people call you up and they're like i. don't think you should leave your house.

even to take hey even to take a walk put. that mask on. even to take a walk put that mask on. because you know you have to be very. careful. you have to be very good it's just. another way of telling someone. we are shocked you're not dead already. we are so surprised you're not dead. every time you post on social media we. imagine that it's a memorial page it's. an in memoriam. we can't imagine it's actually you we. can't imagine there's a disease out.

there. that hasn't killed you. that's how people are acting right now. how's your family in texas we're doing. with coveted has anyone had it does. anyone you know have it. not yet well my uncle had it actually i. forgot how did he do. he's okay he's powering through just a. mild case he got it at the school. where he coaches you know i think i had. it in march i had. you know and i know everybody says this. this is a constant refrain. but in march i was sicker than i had.

ever been. right yeah for like four weeks i was so. sick i was coughing. i had a fever i was like waking up in. the middle of the night shivers. the whole thing and uh and then i. you know took me three or four weeks to. get my strength back. and to feel that i was. back it kicked my ass so i am convinced.

that that was. something maybe covet. i know a young healthy dude who's now. gotten it twice. oh really yeah so i'm wondering if if. the antibody tests are wrong or. like maybe he never had it the first. time maybe there was a false positive. or you just people getting it twice. supposedly the second case he gets. supposed to be mild. that's nice it's supposed to be a mild. case. and then mcdonald's who at mcdonald's. goes let's bring back the mcrib.

during a pandemic like what sick. executive goes you know what. you know what this country needs how. many people died yesterday. you know what this country needs let's. bring back the mcrib. get up what the mcrib is because the. mcrib when i was a kid was legendary do. you mean what's actually in it or what. what it is it's it's it's a. a fake riblet pork patty drenched in. barbecue sauce i mean the original mcrib. was iconic but i don't know if they're.

doing the original mcrib. let's read the wiki let's go over there. to the right oh. to the right here yeah to the right the. mcrib is a barbecue flavored pork. sandwich. periodically sold by the international. fast food restaurant chain mcdonald's. you could just say mcdonald's. it was first introduced in 1981. wow. four years before i was born after poor. sales it was removed in 1985 the year i. was born. ingredients mcrib pork patty home style.

roll. mcrib sauce pickled slices slivered. onions. 22 grams of fat 240 calories of energy. from fat. okay that's good so you're able to to. turn the key to start your car. and then uh 500 calories it doesn't seem. that bad ben. is it that unhealthy i don't think 500. calories is that it. sounds fine yeah yeah maybe i was hasty. in judging the good people at uh. mcdonald's. but we're gonna go get one after the.

show just to try it out. just to see what's going on with it. see how many people are out during the. lockdown. imagine the cops knocking on our door. like where are you what are you doing. we're going to get the mcrib let them go. are they arresting people supposedly. they're arresting people now for. knowingly spreading covet. if you knowingly spread covet you are. going to be arrested.

are there covered bug chasers like you. know there's bug chasers where people. want to get hiv. are there people that just want. coronavirus they're like i need it. i need to get covered just going to. walmart walking there are bug chasers. people that want to get hiv and you've. watched documentaries about this why do. they want to do it. i mean it's clearly like a. self-destructive thing right so they. they they i think it's truckers mostly. truckers. is like yeah want to get hiv i think so.

i mean. truckers they don't have enough problems. self-driving cars elon musk. they just want to get aids that's how. bad it is the truckers want to get aids. because job security in this country is. so is that really who it is truckers i. imagine it's like glory hole guys at. truck stop bathrooms you know they they. pick up prostitutes and stuff. on the road it gets lonely some of those. men's imagination is so. dark and troubling even to me.

that asking him to even just a simple. question. uh he goes down a a very dreary. and disturbing and he's creating this. reality where he's just lonely truckers. on the road. at glory halls that just want and now. why do they want. aids i don't understand i get lonely i. get trucker i get glory hole. i don't get aids i guess you just want. to die right it's like this sick like. i'm a. like people were like i'm a piss pig. like piss all over me and [ __ ] all over. me like yeah give me.

give me all your diseases that you have. i'm a piece of [ __ ]. you know who's that are those the. truckers as well they're getting pissed. [ __ ] on some of them are pissed pigs and. you know now what is a piss pig. someone who wants you to piss on them. piss in their mouth they want to drink. piss you know they want to feel really i. feel like my attitude about. drinking piss has always been. is situational where it's like i feel. like if it's. appropriate to do it the time you might. want to taste a little bit but then. probably. spit it out you're open to it.

interesting well i don't want. if someone is hot enough if someone is. good looking enough they can get you to. do whatever they want. if someone is good-looking enough they. could get me to. go to the a holiday with my family. that's true. you know what so i think that if. somebody's really good looking says. piss in my i will get a piss in your. mouth you have to say okay. no [ __ ] is a different story.

yes a really good looking person says i. want to [ __ ] on you. that is probably disturbing. because then you tell all your friends. like oh i [ __ ] this person they're. really hot and then they go wow yeah. how was it you go well. i got [ __ ] on and then it ruins the. story i would imagine right. it ruins the story or people are people. are more intrigued. it's odd how sexuality develops like.

it's very strange. like i always thought i might not be gay. if women were more intelligent. is that true i always believe that. so if women had a little bit more up. here i would probably [ __ ] them. that's a joke we have many female fans. and that's an. ironic joke because people expect my. audience to be full of misogynist and. it's not. it's full of sensitive crying men and. and. lovely women and that's what we we have.

more women all the time. all the time all the time they're. rolling in here these ladies. the couples watch together the couples. watch together. isn't that nice and as soon as. quarantine ends we know what happens to. those relationships. maybe not are you afraid of your wife. leaving you after quarantine. no we're both working as normal so kind. of unaffected. well i i don't know maybe me and whitney. cummings will no longer be.

married after quarantine that she's. through a friend's giving. what a horror you know and i respect her. but she threw a horrible event at her. home. and i was doing a friend's giving so. whitney then decided to do a. friendsgiving an. hour after me uh that's nice dan. carney's in uh the hospital he just. transitioned. no he uh he had a minor hip surgery. he'll be fine. um what is that on your instagram yeah. yeah i'm going to yours yeah you find. that picture of whitney's uh decor. it was it was grotesque so she has all. these influencers over.

her house and i you know some of them. are nice olivia munn whatever and you. got amanda cerny i don't know who she is. and i don't care. uh and then you have the kesha's and all. these people. look how much autumn is at that table it. was grotesque it's. i l whitney is very successful but this. is target. this is walmart [ __ ] yeah which is fine. if you are at that place in your life. look how orange it is it's too much it's. too drenched in it that's a plastic fork. too. it's a plastic fork whitney also is too.

much of a dude to give a dinner party. the great socialites the great women of. our time. rich women who know how to give a party. there's a there's a vibe. to be created whitney's a guy she's a. dude she's a successful dude. there's one black guy at the table and. she starts haranguing him about where he. pays taxes. it was the most uncomfortable thing. anyone had ever seen. she goes why do you pay taxes i go you. can't ask that. we're eating vegan stuffing that tastes.

like a shoe. and she's yelling at a black about his. taxes and she doesn't mean it. but she's trying to have a conversation. about the state taxes but it just looks. bad. if you have one black guy there and you. go what are your financials. what's your credit score it was very. strange. now i had to cancel i canceled my. friendsgiving because we were going to. do it. i would have a lot of people and then. the whole thing just became insane and.

it's like you know what. it's too much of a problem now you have. 50 people in masks. who wants that right somebody test. positive i got to make call 50 people. the next day and go. hey thanks for coming by the way see a. doctor and i was gonna do a theme like a. you know like a tuscan winter wonderland. because i'm a classy [ __ ]. tuscan winter wonderland italian food. which is tough to. pull off she went full autumn. gross i mean the color of the bowls. i mean just grotesque and i love whitney.

and it's great and i appreciate. everything she's done for me she's given. me uh. a lot of furniture for my home which i. paid her for. but that's still nice because it's it's. less than it would have cost me to. purchase by a lot. said i appreciate her and her friendship. but this. is not how to give an event it's not how. to do a party. it really wasn't it was very odd but i. felt like it was very rushed it was. something i was going to do and then she. was like oh i want to do it now too.

and the chef was okay the chef was hot. the chef like has like saddle leather. boots on and like long hair and it's. like oh enough. a chef should look like raymond cump and. by the way. these shirts that we have on i am a wine. princess [ __ ] our new ray comp. model it i am a wine princess [ __ ]. this is ray cup merch get the link up. where you can get these uh. raycon was arrested outside of miley. cyrus's house in tennessee. all of these shirts go to his legal.

defense fund it's very important. that rey uh have an adequate defense. against uh cyrus and her lying family by. the way. noah cyrus her her sister. called candace owens a nappy-headed hoe. right saw that on our story. not cool noah. there it is this is a picture of a wine. bottle holding a machete. ray is an artist i mean this is art he.

drew this right he drew this. and this is i'm a wine princess [ __ ]. shirt. that you can get at the raycomp store. bonfire.com. store comp. right yeah yeah bonfire.com. it's on his twitter yeah it's on his. twitter and um. and it's a great shirt it's great for. the holidays it's great to just give the. family. you know i don't know but it is. phenomenal. but i i'm disappointed now that we're in.

a lockdown again we can't have the party. it was gonna be a fun party. you know we talked about it many times. on the show we can't do it we just have. to. we have to do it uh you know another. time now. which is sad you know but. what are you gonna do but whitney filled. in with you know. orange play i mean what in. i mean it looked like uh like uh like a. high school like a party. like that you have like a high school.

theater kid party. yeah like a church potluck almost yeah. meghan and i and i and i and i and i. respect the effort and she. she's a good person and she works hard. but giving a part there's an. art to entertaining and and giving an. actual. party and it was a tremendous. uh and despicable uh display a. failure of epic proportions uh. a strange vibe an odd configuration of.

people uh very sad people. wealthy and yet sad uh a a. an interesting you know one woman whose. laugh was so. absurd that it was just derailing the. whole thing one woman was like. you know i just we irish goodbye we just. laughed i looked at jim jeffries i said. i gotta get out of here oh yeah me too. i think i'm gonna irish goodbye too he's. a happy guy huh. anyway i love him very funny he is very.

he's a genius but you know but he's you. know he's he's more muted in person you. know. nobody's any fun in l.a that's the. problem nobody's fine we had these two. 19 year old tick tock kids come here. sweet kids but i mean i mean can you. tell anyone apart from anyone else here. everybody's just like i'm on twitch i'm. a gamer nobody has any anecdotes. nobody has a fun anecdote. nobody turns around in this town and. goes my mother died during childbirth. i never knew her nobody has a fun.

anecdote. my father was a drunk and tried to. molest me and the only way i got out of. it was by pushing him down the stairs. and paralyzing him oh no one says that. everyone goes i'm on twitch. that's all anyone says i stream on. twitch. i was beaten up every day and then i. became strong and and. and and and raped every nerd that beat. me up i realized i was gay but also a. fighter and wants a [ __ ] [ __ ]. [ __ ]. heart no one has stories like that.

everybody just goes i just sit in my. room and i just look at a. screen and then the people on the other. side look at me and we are. now we are going to do twitch and i. don't want you coming to me now and. saying hey. you [ __ ] all over this and then you do. it that's what it is here okay. the game is to be played so i'm going to. get on twitch and i don't need people. calling me a hypocrite okay don't call. me a hypocrite. don't get mad at me because uh candace. owens came on here.

and and uh threw some shade at. what am i supposed to do i pushed back. she says this thing i don't agree. maybe yeah i don't know about that they. wanted me to yell at her. rogan they had that viral moment where. he's like why don't you believe. scientists and she just said i don't. i don't like science and he's just like. well why she's like i don't. who cares what did that do for any of. you you morons. the duke for anyone she's more popular. now than she was then you think that. worked. oh yeah she was dethroned after that huh.

does it work. does it work idiots. i'm telling you the only thing that. works. apparently is heroin. it's the only thing that does its job in. this country because everybody who's on. it is like hey. my cousin keeps going back to it yeah. she said to me once she looked right on. my face and goes i love. heroin yeah she goes i love our family.

and you but i love heroin it was like. what do you tell someone like that to do. like. but have you ever watched bravo like. she's she's found her thing. she's she's in she's in the. in the cut she's focused you know. do you want to be more productive in the. new year. yes do you want to start a an e-commerce. business and get uh take advantage of. the online digital marketplace. absolutely how are you gonna do it hmm.

i don't know do you have a service that. i could use. shut up you haven't you haven't thought. about that. no i haven't i want to do it but i don't. do what what do you even want to do. i don't know i want to start an. e-commerce business with doing what. i don't know it's so overwhelming like i. have to ship things what are you. shipping you don't even have a business. yet. what are you trying to do i don't know i. just thought i could have a business. what kind of business um embroidered.

golf balls with people's names on them. like for. christmas like you could how do you. embroider a golf ball. uh well i would use like you know. sharpies like. you know isn't that more engraved than. embroidered i guess engraved so. you want to engrave golf balls yeah yeah. what are the margins. because in order for me to even tell you. about this product. i have to be confident in the rest of. your business plan and it doesn't seem.

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off thank you manscape for making our. holes look sexy. we're playing around with some new ideas. here about some new spin-off side shows. that we may do. in relation to the podcast we don't know. we don't know we don't know but we're. we're talking to some interesting people. and coming up with some interesting new. ideas about having the most fun while. we're in la because while we're in la. however long that may be. we gotta make the most of it we gotta. have fun right this is gonna feel like. the christmas i spent.

at least's lounge alone. it you know and i remember that. clear as day it was christmas eve i did. not go with my family i went alone to a. bar. in long island called lisa's lounge. and that people were doing cocaine on. the bar and drinking and then the owner. came out and he said to me he goes this. is what this place has always been about. he took a key bump and he goes i've. always wanted people to have a place. to go when they didn't have anywhere to.

go for the holidays. that's why he opened the bar and i said. well that's good. i said thank you so much he's dead now. but. i said thank you so much and i sat there. and i got drunk and i was drinking with. these two people a guy who inherited a. lot of money. and then a hooker started um. taking his money and and and and then he. lost all of the inheritance. and ended up living back in his car the. guy got like a get out of jail free card. got 120 grand.

a woman swooped in. fleeced him and he ended up living right. back in the car and he would. outside of the bar every night he would. just sleep in his car it wasn't even a. big car it's like a small pickup. and he would just knock back and then. the bartenders in the morning would. knock on his window and it's like hey. what's up buddy and he'd. shake off the sleep go right back in and. have a cocktail. and those are the types of people i miss. living in la i don't find any of them. because they had great. stories and they you know these are.

people with a lot to do and i spent. a christmas eve with him and with the. woman who took all his money who he then. started talking to again like. he was mad at her and then he was like. well i lost all the money anyway. why keep this beef up right i'm not. gonna kill her. and so they hung out and we were all. hanging out we're just having a good. time and i remember that that was one of. the lowest. points of my life a truly truly low. point. of my life like one of the worst.

times that i can remember where i truly. didn't want to be on earth. anymore and i can't even describe to you. how much worse whitney's friendsgiving. was. like how much worse it was than that. moment of my life it would be i couldn't. even describe. i couldn't even put together a metric to. make you understand. what a troubling experience it was how. were holiday retail numbers you know the. guys at cnbc. as everything's going to get so bad. they're going to just be cramming out a.

roll on their face they're going to look. at each other like. how are holiday re and they're gonna. have to stare at each other like how are. the holiday numbers. maria what are the holiday retail. numbers right now. uh what is this is this recent. yeah these are people that are lying. yeah they think there's gonna be strong. finish to 2020 in spite of the pandemic. yeah i think not. i don't know well we're entering a place. now we're entering a time now where.

the disparity between people that are. [ __ ] and people who aren't [ __ ]. is so the chasm is so great. which is why everyone yells at me oh. it's a conservative. nazi no i think there's a huge. problem with the level of inequality in. this country it's unsustainable. i've said it many times but now we're at. a point now where it's. we it's so we view. the random charity of influencers as.

some. as like oh like when they print that. article about the kid that gives the. blankets. what are people supposed to go there. like what is the reaction supposed to be. everybody's supposed to go. well that well that's good what a nice. young man there are still good people in. the world. like we've gotten so bad now where. those types of stories are that's like. feel good news that's.

feel good news that things are so bad. now. that the homelessness crisis is so crazy. if. 10 of them get a snuggie it's a news. story. because people are like wow we need. something to just. [ __ ] pep everyone up because. everything's corona and death and. everyone's dead and no one can talk to. their family and. everyone's dying alone in bubbles in. hospitals. and nurses can't handle anything and. everybody's everything's [ __ ] at 700. 000 people a month or filing for. unemployment.

trump's not leaving and he's going but. he's not and he's still tweeting and. biden has no clue. and things are bad and they're gonna get. worse and the third wave i saw an. article the other day about the third. wave. get ready for the third wave but in. between that. in between your anxiety your your. [ __ ] heart palpitations from your. coffee. and the ssris you take just to get out. of bed please enjoy this very. heartwarming christmas story. about an influencer handing a blanket to. one of the now 90 trillion homeless. people.

that live under bridges that used to. work in restaurants. unfortunately they never worked at gavin. newsom's winery because then they'd. still have their jobs. and can someone burn down his winery. metaphorically. as a bit in an article burn it down in. an. article do you see what i'm saying here. not. physically that's illegal burn it down. with satire. burn it down with satire mr. newsome he is good-looking people.

like him who don't give a [ __ ] they. should not be allowed. to run a state they should not be. allowed to run the state of california. just kind of that pretty boy i own a. vineyard. i have multi look at what he owns go get. what gavin newsom owns. he owns everything he owns vineyards and. wineries.

he founded the plump jack winery. napa yeah up in napa. huh. when's he up when's he out of here i. want to get logan paul in there as. governor. gotta get this guy out these people are. are are. establishing rules for lockdowns and. then they're breaking the lockdown. he had dinner at the french laundry. another mayor did something all of these.

mayors are breaking their own lockdowns. they traveled the guy in denver traveled. the main goes well i gotta try i gotta. see my family. the austin mayor too yeah they're all. breaking their life if you break a. lockdown and i said this on twitter i. got 40 000 likes. if you break a lockdown and you're an. elected official you should be. fired you should resign you should be. forced to resign your party should. abandon you. he had businesses in san francisco like. in the mid 2000s like. he was a businessman here's my thing. with gavin newsom i just think what he's.

doing. the the homelessness in california. problems in california. are so great and there's absolutely no. plan. coming from anybody that makes anyone. feel comfortable about opening a. business here. buying a home here um. i tell ben all the time i'm like we're. here. for a period of time i don't know when. that ends i do not know when that ends. you know musk just came out and said.

he's not leaving california. so that was old news and now the rumor. is he is leaving. he's gonna go dude we thought we saw. those starlight satellites last night i. thought it was ufos. i thought it was ufos and it's actually. elon musk's starlight satellites. which are what what's he doing up there. no idea it looked like drone formations. you know. we really are at a point where the. technology is so amazing and yet it. doesn't make anyone's life better. which we kind of knew ted kaczynski knew. that. and i'm not saying you understand what.

i'm saying. i'm not saying that ted kaczynski was. right i'm saying that he had. elements of truth in what he said just. like candace owens. had elements of truth everybody has. elements of truth. in a larger narrative what a tell we. weave. you know like candace owens talked about. her her cousin in the projects. what was her cousin's name mia i think. so i wonder if she really has a cousin. in the projects or she just made that up.

she's like my cousin the project's me it. doesn't know who trump is i'm like wait. what. that was like the most racist thing she. said and my cousin me and the projects. didn't know what brexit was she didn't. even know what great britain is she's. like what the [ __ ] great britain. i'm like is that really what was. happening she was like my cousin mia. doesn't even know trump she'd be like. who trump. oh trump i'm like no one is that stupid. right do you really have a cousin in the. project or you have. invented some ratchet cousin. to tell people about.

my cousin mia is pregnant with. non-babies. she don't know who trump is is that. really what's going on or. have you just invented that character to. just. make people more racist it's like a. character to pull out. where she's like listen you want to. really hate black people. my cousin mia doesn't know what a fork. is. she doesn't know she smokes all her food. she smokes her food she rolled a.

sandwich in a blunt i saw it. i love it and then she goes i love me i. love my cousin mia. yeah she's my cousin mia i love her. but she's the ignorant stupid. welfare taking and you're like whoa hold. on. like when i watch the interview back i'm. like the thing i should have pushed back. on. is the description of her cousin who. lives in the project. like that was maybe the worst thing ever. that i didn't you know. my cousin mia man she just lived in the.

projects and you know. every time i go there i just do the. alphabet with her one time just to show. her. show her what it is i'm like wait what. hold on you seem like you're being a nut. but what are you gonna do next week we. will have diamond and silk. on we have a christmas special diamond. and silk the reverend jesse lee peterson.

tesla ceo elon musk has told friends and. associates he plans to move to texas. that's the rumor today that's what. people are saying. good for him you know i liked him and. then he named the baby that crazy name. i i was i was done after i know rogan. loves him i was done after that. i was done after he named the baby the. math equation. the baby name i i was cut it done i was. just kind of like okay man i get it. yeah xaea2 yeah i just.

i don't know i i after that i said. let's just let's just move on yeah you. know. i can't i can't be involved but. i wish everyone the best for the. lockdown in the holiday season i hope. that you are. enjoying yourselves and finding uh you. know i'm gonna get a christmas tree this. year i haven't had a tree in a long time. you should get one i'm gonna get a. christmas tree. should i we do a i think i should get a.

christmas tree and put masks on it i. call it a cova tree yeah yeah. little tests hang tests little tests and. masks. a cover tree that might be fun. a coveted tree i mean i do want to get a. christmas tree i want to enjoy the. holiday as much as i can. you know as someone without a family and. many friends and who's. disgusted by most of what he sees and. hears and feels. i do want to still enjoy the holiday. season you know.

in a rapidly decaying oligarchy. that's so it's barely funny anymore like. that's how. that's how bad things have gotten. they're they're not even funny. not even because they're too tragic. they've always been that. they're not funny anymore because. there's a remarkable. sameness to everything like we feel like. we're in round two of something. it's like we're and we're going again. we're. going again get ready. you know i'm just kind of like when the.

[ __ ] are we going to break out. and i wonder what post-quarantine is. going to look like are people going to. say [ __ ] technology. are they just going to say i want to. connect with real people again i want to. connect with human beings again. we've lived our lives on these screens. we've sacrificed. everything for in the service of. algorithms. is that gonna be the vibe are people. gonna say [ __ ] it. throw away the tv i mean throw it in. macbooks and if any iphones. we're gonna run out let's go hiking. again let's go swimming.

let's go do what we want to do let's do. music festivals let's do live comedy. let's do live theater let's get out. there let's reconnect with people let's. is that what's gonna happen is that. what's gonna even as i say it i know the. answer is no. even as i say it now but i mean that. would be like a resurgence of light like. you finally go back outside and go. man i missed life i miss going to a. diner with someone in lunch with a. friend who i don't even like. but i miss that i miss the feeling of.

going out to a crowded bar i miss being. on a crowded. subway i miss being on a plane where. people are coughing and sneezing and i. didn't think i was going to die. when i left i mean when's that going to. come back i miss the feeling of being in. an. office and opening the refrigerator and. seeing who brought what lunch and what i. could technically steal. i miss shitty office christmas parties i. miss. you know going out and seeing people. that you you you hate far. less than you should aren't those nice.

people that you hate. far less than you should i should hate. this person a lot more. based on everything about them and yet. i still have some. level of it's like fine. fine that was a lot of my friends. throughout my entire life you'd go. okay fine. you're here and and i miss that. i miss the tacit agreements we make the.

the small just like everything now is. too intense. there's no casual anything anymore. everything you got to be. in every friendship's like your best. friend every person that you talk to. is like super close i miss casual. friendships i miss acquaintances i miss. [ __ ] they didn't matter. i miss talking to someone and then watch. them hit by a bus and go. and walking away i miss so much of life. needs to go back to the casual yeah.

where it doesn't matter the breeze that. blows. the freedom to not care now. everything is so intense cause you could. die i guess. so you every [ __ ] every friendship. every business deal everything is super. uber intense everything's a decision to. go to the store. weigh the risk what am i doing have. these people over are they clean. have they been careful who have they. been seeing. everything is too intense you can't.

casually hate people. in your vicinity anymore yeah you can't. just. casually invite people over and when. they leave look at your friend and go. you know they're not that smart they. think they're smart. they're not you can't do it anymore. because everything feels so intense. and i think that that's sad we need to. introduce the casual. back to life we don't have the casual. now. everything is a big [ __ ] production.

everything is super intense and very. involved everything you want to do is. involved. and every friendship you have now is. like. trauma bonding and that's good. for certain instances but i think a lot. of people we got to go back now. obviously you can have a. tight-knit group of close friends but we. gotta go back to. the casual where people because this is. not life.

this unending drumbeat of hell and. horror is not. life we have to go back to something. that. feels more like who care no one has said. who cares. and meant it in years and that's a big. problem. because that means everybody cares and. that's a huge issue. the last thing you want people to do is. care because they [ __ ] it up. they [ __ ] it up you ever have somebody. get really excited about all the things.

they want to help you with and then you. go. back off back off. nobody said who cares you got to say who. cares you got to say to yourself. like yeah man uh yeah have them over or. don't. we'll go to that thing or we won't right. who cares. what does it matter what does any of it. matter now everything. matters and and and it's just. unfortunate and that's what i want i. want the return of the casual. so that's what i hope when this is over.

i'm just gonna travel. and walk around and go hey i don't care. yeah i don't care. and that's gonna feel so good to not. care. about anything or anyone. do you get it that's what we're trying. to get back here. total and utter [ __ ]. what is the word i'm looking for i. listen or no when you don't care it's. with an a. apathy apathy.

let's get back to that you see a nurse. you go [ __ ] her. you don't feel bad for her yeah yeah. [ __ ]. who i don't know that [ __ ] can't we get. back to that. you look at politicians you go [ __ ] oh. yeah they're lying this scum get them. away. you go own your winery jerk off wine but. i don't care. because nothing is a life or death.

deal but things are too serious right. now. and we can't go back we need to be able. to go back. to that take oh the schools are open the. schools are called. [ __ ] them we need to go back to that. i'm thinking about things i've never. even thought about like are the kids. safe in the school. it's not my business. i just want to go back to that we all. must go back to that. it's the american way truly.

it's the american way to go back to a. casual casual. nonchalant things i care about people. now so much. for no reason really truly i look at. people and i go. i care about them and i want them. to be okay and that's. destroying me. you know worrying about other people. is absolutely undoing me it's.

destroying me i need to go back. to a thing where i don't worry. about anyone even myself. i just need to go back to that we need. to go back to that as a now a lot of. people are like oh this is not. true and this is making me think about a. lot of interesting things. that's what i try to do on the show but. they're like this is like this time has. actually been a blessing no it hasn't. it's been a journey. no it hasn't it's been really good for. me and it's really showed me who my.

close friends were. no it hasn't you're trauma bonding. you're in a dugout you're in a foxhole. you still you're in a war. people are shooting at you yeah are you. close with the person next to you i bet. you are. no your friends are your friends when. things are going well. now when things are when things are. going horrible this is. not another thing i want to clear up by. the way okay because this is the other. thing that people don't understand they. go. your friends are only your friends in. the [ __ ] when things are in the [ __ ]. that's not true. tons of people love to be around [ __ ].

and misery and will find you. your friends are actually your friends. when things are going well they're not. jealous of you. they're not they you know threaten them. you have a good life and they're happy. for you and that's a real friendship. when you are in the worst time ever. actually many people come out and. they're like. i'm here for you but what they really. want to do is just watch you. 911 style jump out of the south tower. window. and fall to the ground because that's. what people like to do they like to. watch. each other emolliate so don't put too.

much stock into anything. when things are good that's when you. figure out who your friends are and. things have been good for me. right now i mean things are good for us. right now even though things are bad in. the world. the show has been good and the live. dates have gone good and i have some. friends i have a handful of friends and. i have a lot of acquaintances. but i have a small i have less than 10. really close friends far. less than 10. i don't want to i don't. want to say how many i really have. because then i have 10 people are like. well i thought. it's all problem but it's a small group.

of people that i'm friends with now and. and. when i when i was doing horribly i had. a hundred friends like when i look at. the text i got when things were going. really really like when i was just an. open micro in new york city and. nobody cared i had no career everyone's. like hey i'd be thanksgiving man. they would all take photos of our. families through these [ __ ] they don't. understand. us we're the next generation [ __ ] these. [ __ ]. go in there steal a little money out of. the purse.

and that then everybody's uh they're all. out for they're all in in. but then when things go go decently you. truly see there's a few people that. actually come out to be a friend that is. the opposite of what you're told. you're told that your real friends are. around you during the hard times. untrue untrue your. real friends are around during the good. times. that's the reality many of you.

don't want to hear that but. that's the reality it's the good times. go give blankets to people that don't. need them. you understand impress me. you want to impress me do you want to. really impress me tic toc stars. go take those blankets.

and give them back to ellen. knock on the door hi. give them back to her go you deserve. these you crazy [ __ ]. that would impress me because that would. mean they got because a blanket for a. homeless person. is nice it's a nice thing. but i would be much more interested if. that homeless person was a. sociopathic millionaire talk show host.

then they get the blanket. then you see and why why tim. you don't understand you're sitting in. the back and go well i know that there's. a point here. because there's no story if you give. ellen the blanket. so it's real. you see if you give the millionaire the. blanket.

it's real because no one. reports or thinks favorably of you. for doing it. you get it now or you still confused. dummies. give charity to the rich. yes or yes. do you want to prove do you want to.

prove. that you have the christmas spirit give. to those that have. give to those that have. because it's real because it's real. there's no ulterior motive. give to those that have more than you. giving to those that have less than you. shows me that you want me to come up and. pat you. on the back for the things that you are.

doing for those that have less than you. it's not right give to those that have. more. yeah if you see someone that's doing. well. help them do better that's. that's the real less the christmas carol. was great up until the end. when scrooge became a loser because what. scrooge was saying is.

we have to work oh but mister i want to. go have. i want to go to the have the holidays. with my family. and screwed scrooge. gave him a job right scrooge gave bob. cratchit a job. is it scrooge's fault that he had a. [ __ ]. no scrooge goes hey come. to work and be a clerk even knows who. that is right with a quill pen. be a freak in that corner and i'll.

[ __ ]. be a miser and run this ship. and then what did bob crouch you do i. forget. he goes i want to go home with my family. because it's christmas. and scrooge goes you better [ __ ] you. better figure it out. you better get this [ __ ] done and. and uh and i i don't remember i think. cratchit leaves cratchit leaves and goes. home to be with his loser. family is his son like.

like his crippled son and his. disgusting wife and in this hovel that. he lives in. and then he's there and then scrooge a. [ __ ] king. gets harassed by these. communist ghosts. aoc. bernie sanders and uh. i don't even know elon omar maybe yeah.

ilhan omar. i was gonna say cornell west because he. kind of has a ghost look. and then he wakes up the next day and he. goes buy the fattest turkey and give it. to. this loser cratchit. it's not real do you understand that. they had to scare him. they had to send the ghost scrooge knew. he was right live. in the security that you are correct all. the time. even when you're not right be right.

and scrooge by telling crash you have to. work you can things don't just happen. you have to work is the best lesson of. that does it matter about the [ __ ] i. want to eat figgy pudding. yes yes yes but you must you must work. and that was the real lesson of the. christmas carol when he wakes up the. next day and he goes. here's the turkey and bring the turkey. to the family also like can you imagine.

like that wouldn't even work like like. like he would send a turkey and like the. wife would be like this. [ __ ] guy who tortures you every day. sending the turkey over now like. what's his game what's this guy's game. this whole misers piece of [ __ ] you know. so that's how ben's wife feels about me. like what i could i could do. i could deliver a uh rolls royce to the. house for both of them. she'd go what is this do you have the. brakes in what do we just try to kill me.

so that's my whole problem with the. christmas carol. is that it it's a it's a it's a it's an. assault on a. on a business owner right. scrooge and by the way am i. is the show sponsored by turning point. usa yes it is. and will i be doing a turning point. usa's re-reading of scrooge. yes i will and will i be doing it with. charlie kirk while i just may.

and me and charlie clark will re-read a. new version of scrooge where there is. respect. for the entrepreneur. okay and not some low-level. vagabond clerk and his [ __ ]. son we're doing a new version of the. christmas account with respect for the. entrepreneur. we're doing a new version of oliver. twist you know oliver twist what's the.

famous line in oliver twist. can i have some more please sir may i. have some more. and the new line when me and charlie. rewritten it is sir. i've had more than enough and everyone. else has had too much and they're. getting lazy. so can i please go back to work that's. the new line. new readings of the turning point usa is. new readings of the classics with tim. dillon and charlie kirk i have not sold. out. i have bought in.

[Laughter]. you see there's a difference between. selling out and buying in and i find. that. i just want a blanket i just hope. someone gives me a blanket. that's how you know you're doing bad so. the first reason. you know that you've had a bad week is. if people call you up and they're like. hey uh we just want you to be really. careful. because of coven and the second reason. you know you've had a bad week and you. look like [ __ ].

is if a tick tock star hands you a. blanket. then you know things are not going well. so if those two things are happening. you might wanna you might wanna change. what you're doing before you have to. great line for my old boss. change before you have to he's in jail. change. before you have to you see but what i. said about friendship there is so. so true so correct and many of you will.

understand that. and many of you won't understand it. because you're trained in this basic. [ __ ] logic. of just swallowing these hallmark fairy. tales about what life is. and they're like when the going gets. tough. shut up it's not true. okay it's not true so to the rules today. are this. give to those that have more. because it makes you feel good and it's. real. okay that's the rule uh another rule is.

your real friends are around. during times of jubilation not misery. it's very true you might you might not. like that. uh the third rule is only attend the. party whitney cummings house if you've. planned it. she is i mean god that was. what did you think what was your. impression of it well i'm always on the. hook for everything here because he. doesn't say anything. i mean the food was kind of like. inedible in my opinion yeah it was bad. what do you think about the uh what was. vegan and [ __ ] that's what they do in.

l.a it's vegan yeah i just have to do. that. yeah it's a satanic priestess does it. blesses it what. what do you think about uh what did you. think about the decor what was the. overall vibe. it was it felt more halloween to me like. the. it did the cook had a big like hat yeah. and like. everything was orange it felt now you. were around for the planning of my event. which didn't happen but it was still. planned. correct i assisted it was just going to. be a different level. oh yeah it was just going to be a little. bit of a different level yeah yeah i.

mean it's a different level. more attention to detail you know oh. yeah. oh yeah that's all and a funner crew. yeah you think. i mean she's got like it's like half. influencers half reality stars. people that she's dug out of a comedy. chat from 1992 haven't worked in 30. years i'm just like some influencers.

like my titties. and then some comic next to them that. lives in a car it's like what is going. on. you know some instagram influencers like. look at my golden [ __ ] and then the. person next to them's like i live in a. rav4 i found. so there's no semblance i don't even. understand what's happening there. you know it's like when people with. drugs just hang out with people without. drugs it would be like yeah i don't. right yeah what are you doing here.

very strange uh new studio being built. when do you think we'll have the new. studio. right like actually by the new year we. have to get some custom things built. it's going to take a couple weeks it's. going to take a couple of weeks. thank you for everybody who is supported. the fake business campaign. fake business will be doing real. business up until oh it's over now. well if you're on the west coast and. this episode's up you might have a. couple hours to stop by. yeah i mean if you haven't bought it by. now what are you really doing yeah.

what are you really doing out there. you know so we're gonna leave now we're. gonna disobey the lockdown because this. is not essential. uh well get to mcrib we're podcasts so. we're media so i'm allowed to travel to. your house and back to mine. so we're allowed to go get food right. for because we have to come back and do. ads after we go get the mcrib. good point hey officer. we're a podcast have you heard of. podcasting. we're the media we are the media now.

another thing i said is a joke. it's now somehow real it's true we're. the media. what a [ __ ] what an insane. realization huh. yeah we're allowed to leave our homes. because we're the media. yeah you think gavin newsom's in an. office one day going. you're letting these [ __ ] go to and. from each other's houses and you're. telling people to burn down my wineries. it's gavin it's a metaphor like a fan of. the shows and they're going kevin is uh.

he said to it was satire yeah burned. down the winery with satter. you know um i'm not telling anyone. this is how i'll end the show which is. fun this is how we're gonna end the show. i am i just wanna clarify right now i am. not telling anyone to set gavin newsom's. winery on fire. that is not what i'm doing at all this. is a joke. i'm not.

if you're in the area and you have a lit. cigarette. [Laughter].