#225 - Friendsgiving | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim. dillon show we are. uh i believe in the death rows here of. the trump administration the aides are. coming in and telling him it's time. to let it go i believe he's got his. family now he's got ivanka he's got. jared. he's got uh his sons don jr and eric. he's got uh rudy giuliani. and it's a small group in the uh in the. in the camp of don't concede. and then i think most people now are.

starting to say. hey i don't know. i don't know what you do if you're him i. don't know i think you. you leave probably and go and do. something else. i don't you know i don't know why you're. doing this into the first place. can't get anything done the deep state. and everyone else is against it's like. what. what is the point like truly what is the. point like. if it's hopelessly corrupt which i might.

even agree with him on like if. if he sat down and had lunch with me. after this and went the whole thing's. [ __ ] i'd go back. i would agree with you why even do it. for the rallies right. for the fun i mean just to be. springsteen. to get out on a stage and like rock out. like if you. you know i i get it the guy believes. that he can do something you can't. i mean it's clear that you cannot i. don't know. i mean i don't want to be too negative.

but. even by his own admission the swamp. uh his words is. just you know too great. to be drained maybe maybe it's time to. go. i don't know anything about voting or. voting irregularities. i've spoken to a lot of people that go. this. isn't happening people at fox news. republicans people that wanted them to. win people that have a lot of [ __ ].

money and wanted the guy to win. and they're like there's no real. evidence of these these massive voting. irregularities a lot of them are like. troll. things where they're like this guy who's. 2. 000 years old voted in wisconsin and. then you look it up you're like that's. not true and i'm sure every election. there are some voting irregularities it. means like how many of them are there. how big of a problem is it um. recount do whatever you need to do.

recount it. make everybody happy. you know again i don't know i don't. these vote counting operations. i don't know what's going on there trump. has. filed a lot of lawsuits i don't know the. merit that they have or not. i think he probably lost i i i feel like.

that i don't know if they if they stole. the election from him. unless you want to say that all the mail. and ballots are invalid. and uh which i don't think you can do. i think it makes sense to say that the. people that took covert very seriously. probably voted for biden and that. trump won in the day of voting but in. the mail-in ballots. they are going to heavily break for. biden because those are people. that probably for the reason of covid.

didn't want to vote so. i don't is there a tremendous group of. people that's like. i'm not voting because of covid. i'm but i'm voting for trump probably. not. there's probably not a huge contingent. of people that are like. i'm afraid of coven and. so much that i won't walk into a voting. place and i. love trump that's. logically i just go that's probably not.

a huge group. well i don't put anything past anybody i. don't know. but i think it's getting to the point. now where even like trump's. close advisors are going hey. what are we gonna do here what's the. plan. i think he could use this opportunity to. give one of the most. scathing uh. concession speeches in american. political history the most.

scathing and entertaining don't even. mention. biden by name don't even mention kamala. by name. kamala rogan kept correcting me kamala. don't mention them my name just do a. scathing. concession speech don't even concede but. you got to leave. but don't even concede god i i won. how about this resign so that pence can.

pardon you. for whatever they try to go at you for. when you leave. i'm not trying to be a naysayer i know a. lot of people are angry with me they're. like no. he's gotta fight on for what. it's over and guess what. the aoc who i called the genocidal. maniac on twitter today and i stand by. that. she's done too her she's.

done the the right. of the the young right wingers and the. young. left where they're all done. corporate power won. they won and you are now you're going to. go from. zoomer to boomer the zoomer to boomer. pipeline. and this is what's gonna within a year. you're gonna forget that you ever. believed in anything within a year.

within three years you're gonna have a. shitty job. a girlfriend a boyfriend you're gonna. start. liking the entertainment that comes out. and you're gonna start. pricing out cruises because coronavirus. is gonna be over and you're gonna go i. wanna go on a cruise. you're gonna start eating it you're. gonna move to a shitty suburb. and you're gonna start going out to eat. at a local restaurant. and that and it's over now and aoc.

could tweet all she wants about let's. put all the names of people that never. said anything positive about trump. look at this lunatic is anyone archiving. these trump sycophants for when they try. to downplay or deny. their complicity in the future i foresee. decent probability of many deleted. tweets writings photos. uh in the future um. this woman has the same impulses as. donald trump.

impulses she wants to start making lists. of people that supported trump i mean. that's a problem no. but really trump. got a higher percentage of the. african-american vote and latino vote. young people did not come out again as. they never do. the socialist coalition just it didn't. work. didn't work you've got joe biden kamala.

harris you've got two republicans. essentially. in the white house so the extremes. on both sides ended up losing. it's business as usual. who told you that who told you that. sorry i hate being right. i'm right week in week out. all the time and i tell you people.

things and you get. mad at me for being correct. what an odd thing to be mad at a person. for being. on the money all the time here's what's. gonna happen. no what. and then it happens and they're still. angry with me. it's back to business as usual. don't worry about it we've only got a. few more years left on earth. enjoy it it'll be fine go.

back to i predict what's going to happen. this is what i predict i could be wrong. but i'm never wrong. i predict when covet ends. when trump is out we are going to enter. another era of. goofy silly. comedy and entertainment i believe that. we are heading towards a great era.

potentially. of people like jim carrey people like. eddie murphy. people that are not. focused on the political. the social commentary to a degree you'll. have those people. that are funny that are in in that space. but i think you're going to see a return. to goofy and thank. god for that i hope it's my hope.

it's my hope imagine if people got more. serious. after this i don't think so imagine that. could it happen colbert is crying all. the late night hosts cry. every week i mean what else could they. do throw tantrums. i guess they could lay on the floor and. pound their fists like a child. but i mean they cry every week you know. it's a regular occurrence now. to see late night comedians crying how. could that get more serious i. imagine uh they're gonna get goofy again.

here he comes i mean look at. look at this person what is he wearing. he looks like a vegas lounge singer he's. in all black what is he doing. i don't know he makes tens of millions. of dollars a year. and he's dressed like a divorced history. teacher. who's going out on the first date he's. had in six months. christ so we all knew he would do this. this is late night comedy.

i mean. what i didn't know is that it would hurt. so much yeah. these are comedians i didn't expect this. to break my heart these are comedians in. twenty twenty that's a good thing for me. to cast a dark shadow on our most sacred. right. from the briefing room in the white. house our house not his. that is devastating this. this is heartbreaking for the same.

reason that. i didn't want him to get coveted. certainly why i wanted him to survive. because he is the president of the. united. states that office means something and. that office should have some. shred of decency. okay well those are comedians so. uh that's the comedy that you've been. provided with for the last four years. maybe that will change like perhaps. this will be the catalyst in the.

business that i'm in because. occasionally i do mention that. uh not all the time because i don't. think everything's about comedy and i. don't think that like. the kind of comedy you get justifies. whatever happening. if you love trump i get it this is not a. good consolation prize. that these people stop crying i'm just. saying. an unintended consequence might be. that there might be uh you know. some silly comedy.

coming back you know nothing. too serious i don't know if that's the. case or not. everyone is so serious now. i went out to dinner tonight. in a parking lot surrounded by. traffic cones thanks gavin newsom. because we can't. walk in a building unless we promise to. burn it down blm. so we have to sit in a parking lot. surrounded by traffic cones to have.

dinner. and and this we're we're in echo park. los angeles. which is a nightmare it's uh a. rapidly decaying hellscape and it's full. of these. artists and pseudo-intellectuals but. primarily dilettantes. people that think they're in the arts. and are not people are under the. impression they are comedians and are. not uh and then of course you get a. a few comedians here and there uh we're. sitting in.

an and this restaurant called tex which. is a horrible name but it's a good. restaurant it's. it's country french as the waitress uh. told us she has not showered in weeks. and she has her ratty hair. uh clinging to her face uh in. amphetamine sweat and she said. it's country french cuisine she is. correct about that. and the food is very good the food is. very good but. text tax what's it called tests.

folks it's gone anyway it. yeah t-a-i-x french restaurant and it's. really good. it's been there since 1927. well what's. coming in. a high-rise in echo park because. more uh people need to live in condos. in ecco park so they have a high rise. coming in and this restaurant is closing. we all know that we all know that. and instead of just enjoying one of our. last meals of course we have the.

waitress. who we have to relive her uh. horror for the entirety of the meal. she's telling us about the owner and if. the owner's not really doing anything. and the owner doesn't let them know. what's going on and they don't know when. they're closing and they. he didn't you know she goes well. we had to set this whole thing up we had. to get the tables and chairs from the. downstairs. and then she's talking about the. councilwoman i hope uh. nithya wins because some some socialist.

candidates she goes i hope nythia wins. you know she's taking deep breaths and. and i want to grab her and say. with all due respect can you shut your. mouth please we are trying to enjoy a. meal. can you shut your mouth every time she. came near the table. i mean she looked wounded i'm like do we. have to take you to a hospital. i know it's been a tough five months i. know you haven't worked. can you pull it together for christ.

i can't deal with it shut up about the. city councilwoman. who you think is gonna save your life i. hope she win. i hope she wins this gaunt heroin addict. at the french restaurant and this is all. the servers now. all of the shirt because now it's the. fall and i'm doing a lot of you know. one of my sports which i go out to. dinner now and this is kind of my sport. we kind of settle into the from now. until january this is going out to. dinner season you see people.

you haven't seen in a while and now. because i live in los angeles. you get to go out to dinner and parking. lots and alleys and things like that and. it's great. but the servers now are like. they're they have this weird like. they're. wearing their heart on their sleeve. because they've been out of work for so. long and everything's been so. tragic for so long and they. feel like you have to sit there.

and like take it you have to like. stomach. their nightmare of a life while you try. to eat. you know risotto and you have to sit. there and go. yes the owners doesn't he doesn't even. tell you when it's closing huh. what do you want from us you want to. come live with us is that what you. envision happens at the end of this. i go well why don't you live with us. this seems fair.

don't tell me that you hope a certain. politician. won during dinner who cares. leave it alone it's potentially a. volatile. conversation because i hope i hope she. won. i hope she won i'm sleeping in this lot. god i'm trying to eat food. that's a little expensive and i don't. want to feel guilty about it. so can you get out of here i mean the.

woman. had the look of somebody who like chases. down semen with cough syrup under a. bridge. without like the spunky fun-loving. personality you'd imagine someone like. that having. i don't want a super serious in the. midst of a crisis. server put it together i just did a big. election livestream with rogan i was. tired. the airbnb canceled on us i didn't get.

any sleep the night before. i got an argument with dan the kid that. opens for me and i we i made him. go sit under a tree i'm like i don't. want to look at you i we can't even be. in the same parking lot. we get to rogan's early nobody's there. we got to sit on the curb. because the airbnb couldn't get a. cleaning crew in the day is a nightmare. you know what i did i went to work i. shut my mouth and went to work. and we had a great time i didn't. uh make everybody uh you know is. participate in in my misfortune.

it's not fair keep it. close to the vest and. here's another thing i got to be very. honest with you. and i know this isn't popular enough. with the donating to the kids in the. hospital with cancer. no one believes that the money's going. to them and it's the same kid over and. over again. you're not fooling me it's the same bald. kid over and over again. i can you tell them apart it's to say.

why am i going to the fat store and. don't. everyone in the fat store is dying why. are there more dead people when i check. out. can it can you explain to me why i gotta. look at this cancerous. child who looks pretty [ __ ] skinny by. the way. all the fat people when they check out. of the fat store. have to look at these emaciated children. we're jealous as [ __ ].

we're not donating money we want to know. how they look like that. how do they see their rib cage. and i gotta look at emaciated cancer. kids to make me. feel like [ __ ] and then you gotta ask me. for a dollar. to help these skinny [ __ ] i think not. let me out of the fat store and just let. me go. and the other thing dxl you pieces of. [ __ ].

stop giving the paper 25. reward get rid of the rewards at the fat. store. number one get rid of them. we shouldn't even have the fat rewards. at dxl you shouldn't say. hey you're fat again this month here's. 25 come back here next month if you. don't have a coronary. and and get 25 off 190.

shirt because apparently it's four times. the price of anything else. because you're fat so they give you this. 25. little piece of thing and you lose it. they don't give you any digital rewards. you lose and they go bring it back next. month they give you and i. yell at them now i go this is [ __ ] i. get right in their face. i go you know i'm gonna lose it you say. i'm gonna bring it in next month i said. no. i scream and i might say none of the fat.

[ __ ]. who shop here are gonna remember this. little piece of paper. and we're gonna eat it so do it. digitally or don't do it at all. email us or don't do it at all and. enough with the saint jude's hospital. hey donate to these skinny fox no thanks. that's just a psa for the fat store. which i'm trying very hard to not have. to go to anymore.

because i've only have shopped there for. the last three years. and it is very depressing that store. and the people that work there are very. diverse every now and then it's nice to. see someone who's. much fatter than me there you will see. someone who's like 500 pounds. and that makes you feel great. that makes you feel great when somebody. just waddles in. and that's great you feel hot. you start looking at yourself like i'm. hot as [ __ ].

when this fat knee walks in and the. guy's. knees are just buckling and he's just. like. and he can barely speak he can just kind. of motion with his arm and his arms not. even an arm anymore it's just like a. of just a wing it's like a wing of fat. and they just and he's always with some. like handler nurse or whatever. and they're just trying to like wrap a. coat around them i feel hot as [ __ ] i.

jerk off the dressing room like yeah. that's right but enough. but we're back we had a nice dinner at. this place i'm not [ __ ] on this. restaurant i like the restaurant. and i like the restaurant i just i would. just request that the waitress. shut her mouth also don't tell me you've. been working here. i'm trillion years that depresses all of. us it's just depressing to all. it depresses all of us when you tell us. you've been there 12 years.

that's depresses everybody that's not. something where we're supposed to. congratulate you. i've been here 12 years ago. good. okay good. you're all smoking and you gotta stop. and you gotta stop. the vaping and the e-cigarettes cause. it's just as bad people. are dying left and right well you got it. and they're almost not cool anymore you. feel that they've gotten to the point.

where they're not cool now. they were cool for a little bit now. they're not cool and. what you got to do is get lucy it's a. lozenge with four milligrams of nicotine. in cherry ice flavor or wintergreen or. cinnamon. or pomegranate okay it's 20 20. get rid. of the six unplug your vape. throw out your dip and get some lucy. nicotine gum or lozenges. a lot of my audience loves donald trump. and they feel bad that he's not the. president. and many of them are going to smoke a. lot of bots a lot of ciggies.

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however this is a great way to step down. off of the amount of nicotine you get. from six. very important i'm telling you right now. folks this is it. you understand me this is your time to. change your life you're gonna do it. it's 20 20 you say [ __ ] it i'm not a. smoker anymore. i'm not smoking i am. going to do something else i can see it. i can see the future i'm looking at. myself and i'm. not a smoker i'm standing on a rock and.

i've just killed someone but i am. not smoking i am looking at the body on. the beach. that is contorted you know i'm. trying to imagine how it all happened. because i feel like i blacked out and i. did black out. but the rage just came from the you know. from my. depth and then it just kind of came out. of my hands and then i pushed this. person. off a bluff off a cliff and they are. dead now. but you know what the last thing on my. mind is lighting a cigarette.

as i stare at their dead body and i. think about how much. the dna or you know evidence that people. are going to have. fibers from my code or whatever i'm not. thinking about someone can see i'm. thinking about. dissolving the body in a tub of lye acid. i am thinking about that i'm thinking. about how long it would take me to. to weight the body down so that it could. could uh sink i'm thinking about that. i'm thinking about what is prison like. like if i just. walked away and end up in prison what's.

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them to work the next day. slip em this yeah you know. i'm not saying why you would do that i'm. not. probably not a good idea to get anyone. drunk but i'm saying sometimes you want. someone drunk like hey this guy's fun. when he's hammered and then the next day. we need him uh you know. with a wheelbarrow just out there doing. his job. this will make sure that you do not feel. wasted the next day it's a great way to. support our show.

i've got you 20 off your first order and. free shipping in the us. just head over to no days wasted dot co. slash tim no days wasted dot co slash. tim. and use promo code tim at checkout. that's no days wasted dot co c-o-t-i-m. i had fun taping a youtube thing today. with cody co. youtuber very funny nice guy. like a genuinely nice person very nice a. good guy. pretty girlfriend surfs like you know.

just a person that uh. you know uh has no reason to not be a. good person. you know what i mean and uh we went and. tried uh. milkshakes at slushy land. okay i'm not really a huge milkshake guy. but he goes would you like to do a. dessert. and of course you know because this show. is called sweet tooth and i said like. yeah i'd like to do like a chocolate. souffle but i mean it's la. so what do you these people don't know. what a chocolate souffle is right right.

so we went to slushy land. you know it was fine it's fun. go support slushyland by the way if. you're in the valley i don't i'm not. i'm not [ __ ] on slushy land i you. know. it was good it's the cereal ice cream. thing that everybody's doing now i don't. know what. i don't know what that is i don't. understand. what what the obsession is with cereal. other than magic spoon which is. essential but i don't understand why.

everybody now cannot. everybody has to everybody's trying to. recapture their childhood. everything is a you know nostalgia based. activity. and uh the at uh slushy land they do a. lot of cereal and we had these weird. shaved ice corn things. interesting it was odd. it was odd did you like the corn shaved. ice i did not.

i didn't really enjoy it either i spit. it out too. but that's okay what are you gonna do. ben spits it out if the block goes i. hope they didn't see. hope they didn't see me spitting it out. i'm like thanks a lot. making me look bad. trying to do a little party for. friendsgiving i used to hate. friendsgivings and. i still kind of do because i hate other. people. and i don't like them near me but i do. want to do a little one in which we're. trying to put together a.

friend's giving i always i didn't like. the connotation of friendsgiving i. always thought it was kind of like. i especially in new york city because to. me new york city of friendsgiving should. be like. two uh transgender people or gay people. who had been kicked out of their house. in the midwest. who can't go home for thanksgiving who. do cocaine together in the east village. bar. that's what friends giving should be it. should not be like a cluster of young. professionals. drinking cold brew and talking about. corporate music festivals which is.

really. what it is and that disgusts me but new. york city the city i love is dead. and i don't care about it anymore and i. don't care about. whatever whatever hell they want to. create over there they can do it. um but yeah so that's why the friends. giving i. don't like like the young professional. thing. is not for me like it's this confident. like paint by numbers life where people. are like. i want to do what everybody else has.

done and i want to get. what they've gotten and i want to i want. to check. every box and i want to go to this. school and major in this. and do this and do that it's just never. been for me i i don't i don't look down. on the people. who live like that i understand why a. lot of people have to live like that. but that's my aversion to friends giving. i don't like these. these created uh things right i don't. i don't like i don't like corporate. music festivals i never liked that.

because it all. it felt you know everybody was uh. corralled. into uh governor's island or whatever. and they're like and here's the 12 acts. and here's what you see. and and and to me i i just i want to go. out in the world and find things and. enjoy and i want to. i want my music to be people that are. broken down and it's. almost over and they're performing in a. bar in austin texas. and they're bleeding as they sing. they're bleeding. their hands are bleeding and they're.

barely making sense anymore. and they're just they're they're really. just saying one sentence over and over. they're going. we're all gonna die tomorrow we're all. gonna die. today and everybody there watching them. is kind of transfixed. by this and you know they don't have any. success and they. want to die and that's the type of music. i. like i don't really i like all kinds of. music i just i gravitate. i'm of course kidding a little but like.

guys like james mcmurtry where i can go. and see them. in the continental club at midnight on. wednesday in austin texas. and he's [ __ ] great and he murders. and he's great. you know phenomenal and and i went with. your friend travis and we saw that show. and it was great. and there was nothing about it that was. like. thought up and abort this is very. different than the corporate steakhouse. which i. adore but when it comes to music i like. it to be a little. rough around the edges when i see music.

and i know that there's big acts and. i've seen. springsteen and tina turner all these. massive planets i get it. but like the the corporate music. festival. i also sobered up before all of this. fun stuff right i sobered up before it. was. fun before they really started. designing activities for people to just. do drugs i used to have to do drugs. and go about my regular day i this.

wasn't a theme park. of drugs when i was you know. really using yeah there was lollapalooza. there was things like that but now i. mean they just. literally create events for young. professionals to go and do. molly or whatever they're doing and you. know have fun. i just missed out on that you know i had. to sit there. i had to do cocaine in an office. okay with sweaty middle-aged. delusional psychopaths who were losing.

everything. and that wasn't exactly the party was it. i had to sit there and do lines of. cocaine. in an office where next to me some fat. slob. was eating a chicken parmesan that he. could barely afford. that was the party isn't it fun. when i look back on my drug use what a. waste. what a waste.

i should have been on governor's island. rolling around in the grass. but i was not why. because i was listening to a. presentation. in the huntington hilton. coke to the gills trying to learn. how to sell mortgages. what a waste what a horrible life. what a horror that's why when i go to. dinner i don't need your nightmares.

you don't think i have nightmare why. don't you sit down i'll tell you about. my life. yes oh you're upset that the. restaurant's closing. i lived in fear sexuality was always. fear-based i couldn't be honest with. anyone. my mother's is schizophrenic my father's. is a. salesman who like doesn't sell anything. i was a salesman who didn't sell. anything i spent a decade doing cocaine.

and instead of [ __ ] on a beach i. sat in an office in long island. what and now i just want to forget that. happened and have a cassoulet. at the french restaurant that's closing. without you. and your pain. attaching yourself to my dinner. we we all don't have problems do you. want me to. my problems every minute of every day.

that's what i like about dan dan didn't. have any problems that's why i like. having dan around he doesn't. he doesn't know what problems he's. perplexed this kid grew up in a cult. he grew up in a christian cult they made. him think he was. had no value when he was going to hell. and they were right. he knows the darkness. he knows what it is from texas they.

don't speak to each other they all just. stare at the sky. until the end that's all they do they. stare at the sky. until a merciful god smites them. and we're just trying to have chocolate. moose. in a parking lot without your horror. is it too much to ask but that's what i. like about dan if dan just doesn't he. doesn't understand. his like biggest problem is that his mom.

was mean to him once. that's his issue he'll be like yeah my. mom was a little mean to me. let me tell you right now i wish to god. my mother could have been mean to me she. was at wendy's. collecting toy sets she was collecting. disney toy sets and cataloging them. and putting them under her bed and. during hurricane sandy. they all floated down the street. and princess diana bears finally made. their escape.

and floated down the street in long. island and i had to walk through them. getting into the house. yes it would be nice if my mother was. mean to me. but that's why i keep him around because. he lightens me up. this guy darkens me but i need that. we can't do the show with dan dan. doesn't understand any of it. i start screaming and yelling about the. horrors dan goes i don't understand. what about girls in the pool in the frat.

i say no to the frat. i say every day i go to the fat store. and i have to look at these skinny. cancer [ __ ] on the way out. makes me feel like [ __ ]. and dana go but they're sick and i go no. i'm sick of it. but that's why it's good to have him. around you need someone around. who has a different life experience than. you who doesn't know what the horrors. are. he doesn't know what the horrors are you.

know. he's proud of his dad his dad gets two. bronze stars in iraq. i'd be proud even my father worked at. color tile. he worked at colored tile do you. understand. that's where fat women from long island. come in. and he i think he got fired from that he. couldn't. handle the rigors of color tile. this guy's that has two bronze stars.

my father drove a mazda navajo. that's for people that can't afford a. ford explorer. some monsters your dad has two bronze. star. you complain about you don't or you're. not allowed to complain about anything. you're from good people they're pedigree. they're pedigreed peep these are real. people. bronze stars i love my father. but i mean he sells why he's like me.

he's full of [ __ ]. but that's why i like to keep dana rats. like you don't make a lot of friends in. life and in my age. of 35 you really don't make any friends. friends are a. problem for the most part that's what. you people need to re. that's the other thing that disgusts me. about young people is like. you need to understand that your friends. are a pro. i love i mean listen i just got made. godfather to a beautiful. baby boy that my friends because now i.

have a little money so they made me. godfather let's. get very real about what that is but. that's okay. but i love him he's a beautiful little. baby boy. but i'm now worried about this little. guy you know and i like i. like his parents but i mean you know i. mean. if something happens to them i gotta. raise this little guy you know. and and i i think a lot of the time that. i should kind of raise them. and i'm they're they're good they're. fine i'm just saying that like. your friends become a liability is my.

point. they just handed me the kid i'm sitting. there they're like. i don't know what they're doing they. just hand me the kid i'm sitting in my. backyard the dog the bulldogs running. around like. destroying the house the kid's like the. kid's six weeks old he's like. riding the bulldog around the house then. they come hand me the kid and go uh. that's. you're you're the godfather now you're. the godfather and by the way where's. your check. huh and i i appreciate that but your. friends are a liability now.

they're a lie they're gonna want things. from you so what's good about dan is. that he's just. he's he's he's he's a little bit of a. brat and he doesn't know how good he's. [ __ ] had it. so every day i tell him i tell him and. he'll get sick of that soon and not be. friends with me anymore. but oh i tell him all the time this is. how good you [ __ ] had it you've got a. great. you've had a great [ __ ] life and. and you don't understand the horrors. that i've been the. nightmares that my life has been. it's it's indescribable my mother.

i made her take me to le cirque. you've been and in eighth grade lesser. 2000 in the palace hotel and this [ __ ]. wore a sweater with a cat on it and. immediately the maitre d was like oh. good. the trash pigs are here. so i'm gonna walk through the dining. room at le cirque. with my mother with a sweater with a cat. on it.

is that not as bad as getting shot by. the cops. out of hoodie on i'm asking i've never. been shot by the cops. i'm asking a question is that not as bad. i think it's. on par i think it's on par. let me go speak to victims of police. violence i believe they will agree with. me. that it is on par to walk into a french. restaurant with your mother. who's wearing like a cat's like a winnie.

the pooh sweater. to leserk this goofy [ __ ]. dan's probably the last friend on me. i'll make a few career friends. you can't make too many more i'm 35 i'm. full. with friends the friends that i have now. are starting to become a problem. and they will become more and more of a. problem so i can't. you know i love the little guy i'm going. to be a great godfather i'm going to.

give the money. i'm going to watch out for but it's like. i can't god forbid i become friends with. another couple that wants me to be a god. i can't do it. i what am i going to do i mean i guess i. can. but i mean you know this couple usually. most couples you're a godfather you go. yeah i'm the kid will be great this. couple i'm like i'm. probably gonna i might have to step in. here raise again. i might have to raise a kid. i might have to call child protective. services on them.

to take the kid i might call a lawyer. and i may get the kid now. to just avoid the embarrassment of later. on. you know i'm kidding of course it's a. comedy. show i miss donald trump already i do. miss. i do miss him i miss him a little bit. he's not gone yet and yet i miss him. but i think his post presidency he's not. going to be like jimmy carter i mean. this guy jimmy carter just goes and. builds houses for the homeless.

i mean you want to talk about boring. and by the way and by the way. i don't even i don't even know anymore. like what the homeless answer is i don't. even know what it is. i don't even know what it is homeless. people have become. so like they're they're like we should. utilize that skill set that they have. like. in la they live on like an overpass.

while cars just go by them at 90 miles. an hour. there's got to be like that's kind of. impressive. and there's got to be a way to key into. that. like a guy who starts every day. walking across a busy highway in. sandals something's. something's going on there that i think. is positive. but i don't know i don't know how to go. in and. and get it i don't know how to go in and.

get it. that's all but i i look at many of the. homeless people around town and i go. and this is probably the wrong feeling i. got to say this delicately i. say everything delicately here you. understand but i. look at some of the homeless people. around town and i go. good for them like they're doing it. they're really doing it and i think. we're not. nearly as positive about homelessness as. we should be. i think we should be more positive like.

why don't put up banners that say. you're the la homeless we're doing it. what about a banner that says hey. homeless for another year. you're doing it you're still raising. your kids. they still alive we're doing it. why not. i'm serious because things are so bad. what you mean. why not be a little positive about it.

it's. not going away we're not making it. better. so why not like do like a campaign. to make people feel good about being. homeless. like stop shaming them from being. homeless. and i like that we're sitting on housed. now so we don't even call them home but. we stay just unhoused. like temporarily how let's move full. force. into a branded campaign.

make homelessness cool. what about that what about if it was. what if it was cool to not have a house. think about it remember the 60s you. don't remember it. people like lived in fields they lived. they were in colts they lived in. communes. it was kind of cool they were like [ __ ]. it dude get a house that [ __ ] that's. square i don't want to be a square. why not like have that happen again. make people feel cool for being homeless.

why am i not asked how to solve these. things. make it feel look i live i live on a. highway. i don't live in a condo i live on a. [ __ ]. highway there's something. badass about that we need to lean into. it as. a society and as a culture you know.

covet has become it is now back. the the cases are uh up if i do a. friend's giving i gotta get. covet tests for everybody if they come. over because i've decided to stay in la. for another year and we have. we got a house for a year and if people. come over. now i have to test them for corona this. is what you have to do now if you have. an event in your house you got to. set up an er in the house for people. you got to set up iv bags you got to.

you got to have a full thing so what. what i'm doing is i gotta figure out. like how to get a. doctor or a nurse to. sit outside my home and do covered rapid. covert tests. for everybody that wants to come in and. eat meatballs. or whatever and i get it. yeah i get it you got to be responsible. but it adds money it adds whatever but. you got to do it.

i want to invite here's what i want to. do. with the friendsgiving go with me on. this. here's what i want this is i want to. want this guest list ready. nelk barry weiss. she likes the show i want barry barry. weiss. right the the nell kids that blow up. cars and stuff. barry weiss ryan phillippe fan of the.

show. 90s heartthrob early 2000s heartthrob. fan of the show. jeff garland fan of the show yes have. him there. okay now we need diversity we talked. about this we can't and i you know. what if we flew in candace owens. to come to the friendsgiving. i i want to reach out to your manager go. i will pay candace owens. ten thousand dollars i will thank.

your thank you patrons this is where. your money's going. i will fly candace owens. and and have candace owens and nalc. recreate the george floyd incident. yes or yes. yes and barry weiss. write an article and say that it's okay.

i this is the friendsgiving that i would. like. i'm asking if this is possible. i'm not saying that i want a friend's. gift my. parties are not for people to get drunk. and have sex and enjoy. each other's company i want an awkward. time where people that don't like each. other and shouldn't like each other. suffer that's why i want to fill the.

room. with like controversial people and then. retards. and then literally just see one at like. youtubers and. and and and and conservative pundits. and and far left people and. just just a nightmare. where it's not fun and no one. understands. why they're there and no one understands. why i put them there that's what i want. like the kneel. parties are fun right tits are out full.

send everyone's like enjoying themselves. i. can't explain to you how i want my party. to be the opposite of that. i want barry weiss in the kitchen. like arguing with ethan klein about. something. trying to find common ground i don't. know they'll probably find it. but that's what i would like i would. like that. that's what i want cody co and candace.

owens. to discuss the appetizers. i want ryan phillippe. to be there and to have a. discussion with i don't know. james baker why can't we can't get him. we know his granddaughter but. that's the type of party i want a. sexless. awkward stilted.

anxiety producing strange. hellish pointless. thing that amuses me i just want to be. amused. for a few hours if i spend the money i. just want to be amused. that's all i want so there's all these. hollywood hills parties that are like. super cool. i just want eggplant parmesan.

and and and and people discussing the. election. and i want it divided between like. youtubers who don't know that an. election happened. and like every people that have been. canceled i'll get everybody. i will get i. will have. a karaoke party with barry weiss and. crystalia yes or yes.

barry weiss crystalia. brian callan candace owens. tim dillon the nelq people. karaoke maybe don jr. at kimberly guilfoyle. just awkward people are paranoid that. they're gonna be canceled if a photo. leaks. right they don't wanna be they're upset.

that they're there. that's what i want. if i'm gonna do a friend's giving it's. gonna be i want it to be that. something that gets people going who is. that. who is that. i want i want to look at a corner of the. room. and see steve bannon explaining.

the conflict with china to jake paul. like that's what i want to see i want to. see. that i want to. i want to see that happen that's. and then i can leave la i'm like going. to do another year here. but i only want to do a year here if i. could just kind of create. these moments that just amuse me they. don't matter it's not going to matter.

who cares no one's going to care they i. just want to be amused. because i think life is a joke because. it is so i just want to. behave in a in a manner. that is like that and i want to throw. events that are like that i just want to. throw events that are like that. you know where people can. people from all walks of life. but but but really the same walk of life.

which is narcissism. that's truly what it is all of the. people i mentioned is different as they. are. they're addicted to themselves and. they're addicted to attention. and i think putting them in a room uh. and serving them food that's. much better than they can even. appreciate. the people in la nobody knows any nobody. knows anything about good food. i mean it would be a way it would be a. waste right this is a waste i got i. could serve the cat food and go get. oscar's dish and. pass it around they've gone yeah.

um but that's that's the type of event. that i would like to do and i hope we. get there i don't know that we will i'm. going to. try miramira on the wall what is the. best brand. for my balls manscaped manscaped. manscaped it's the great thing it is. great. it is the it is the thing you shave your. dick. your balls your dick your whole pubic. area you shave it. manscaped is really good it's the best. one on the market it's much better than.

the norelco body groom which is one of. the only other ones in. in the market manscaped is it it's great. i'm telling you i use it. i give them to other people that work. with me uh. you know that want them and i'm always. happy about it okay. they have a nose and an ear trimmer. provides proprietary skin safe. technology. which helps prevent knicks snags and. tugs and those delicate holes. i'm telling you this bundle includes a. lawnmower 3.0 trimmer. best trimmer on the market for your. balls butt and body. i mean it's great they have all kinds of.

stuff they have a great little travel. bag you can put all this stuff in. you know um i i'm telling you i i don't. even have to sell this it actually works. it's. actually great i use it everyone i know. uses it you have to use it this is. something that. you know if you enjoy the podcast you. get 20 off and free shipping with code. tim d. at manscape.com it's 20 off free. shipping with the code timd at. manscape.com. okay so i would just go do that if you. do not have one. this is a great thing to give to.

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you know do what i say now. go to mansky.com and and get 20. off with the code tim d that's. manscape.com. 20 off tim d one day. why are you why are you laughing why. can't you why can't you. honor my lived experience will you honor. my lived experience yes i will. one day i was a child. and i was eating a breakfast cereal and.

i got lots of sugar in it. i forgot which one it was but it was. colorful sugary and it made me feel. like i was a king of the world you know. i was eating that cereal in my house. and uh i was a victim of a brutal home. invasion did you know this. i've never heard of this did i tell you. about this home invasion. there's a brutal home invasion and. i don't know why you're laughing it's.

very traumatic for me. now the men came in. the men were they were uh they were. masked. they had masks on and not covered masks. ski masks and they came in and they had. guns. and i was very scared but not. that scared and. they grabbed my mother by the hair and.

they put a gun in her mouth. and i and that would have upset me more. but she was being very nasty that. morning. she was being very rude very nasty. and there was something about kind of. seeing that i was still scared. but i was less i was kind of like you. know it's good that everybody gets a. little comeuppance. if you know what i mean you know what i. mean. and then they hit my father with uh with. the butt of the gun in the back of his. head and he fell down. and then they looked at me and i looked.

at them. and i was just frozen and they said keep. eating that cereal. they said that's some good [ __ ] i said. thank you and i said are you gonna kill. my parents they said no. no what's wrong with you we're just. robbing the house i'm like well you. might as well. as well get rid of them right they said. no. they left and my parents woke up. you know and we went on about our lives.

but i remember sitting there eating that. cereal and having the point at me and. going you keep eating that cereal king. they said you're a king like that's. right. i wanted to recreate that feeling that. great feeling of watching my parents. get attacked while i ate a sugary cereal. so what i do is i go to magicspoon.com. tim dillon because magic spoon. is so healthy it has zero sugar 11 grams. of protein. and only three net carbs in each serving. there are four flavors cocoa. fruity frosted blueberry.

it tastes amazing honestly too good to. be true it's keto friendly. gluten free grain free soy free low carb. gmo free. you know i love the fruity flavor it. tastes like fruit loops. so if you go to magicspoon.com tim. dillon to grab a variety pack and try. today. be sure to use promo code tim dillon to. check out to get free shipping. magic spoon is so confident in their. product it's backed by 100 happiness. guarantee. so if you don't like it for any reason. they'll refund your money no questions. asked but everybody likes it.

everybody likes magic spoon we have it. all over the place we eat it. and i like it because it reminds me of. my childhood. and the great memories the great. memories. i remember that my mother was like you. you better do better in school and then. that door. opened up and they just. gun right in her mouth and i just kind. of looked at her like what were you. saying. what were you saying about school.

what were you saying about school and my. father comes in. what's going on. right to the ground and i. uh i i appreciate those men because. those men recognized. in me they saw something in me they saw. potential you saw a leader. and they said this guy should just eat a. cereal so they pounded me out they're. like king. it's back where you could pound you'd. have to do that dumb elbow [ __ ] because. it covered. they pounded me out magicspoon.com tim.

dillon. are you going to texas for thanksgiving. no no staying here. interesting yeah a lot of people are not. traveling no no a lot of people are not. traveling for the holidays. we might go to new york in december yeah. they're shutting it all down but new. york's now got the national guard out. cuomo's got the guard. meatball has the guard out in the. airports now. how about you get the national guard to. surround your brother's house because. she's a liar.

liar liar pants on fire. i mean i i i'm kind i really fed up with. new york i'd love to go back. um but i just don't know i think covet. covert is just gonna. the winter is shot the winter was shot. we've rescheduled the dates in denver. and omaha. kansas city i've explained why. a lot of these clubs are cutting. capacity. this time the other thing on the other. end of this and then a lot of them.

are like well we're not canceled yet but. we we are hearing things that we maybe. can i'm like i just wanna. let's just put it three months in the. future where. we can do it and we could do it in a. capacity hopefully. that is back to so we just got to get. over this second whatever it is. second wave second hump. and then we can go back out make people. laugh live because that's what we want. to do but. but until then we are podcasting here. we're podcasting on patreon. and that's what we're doing we're we're. not we're you know we're just trying to.

live. we're trying to go out to dinner we're. trying to. you know connect with friends with. people we don't like but we have to. see when you when you're in your 30s. your friends are just people you know. they're not even people you like really. they're just. people you've met. that's true they're people you've met. because it's. oma in your 30s i'm 35. what starts to. happen is.

you start to have this realization that. you're like. you know the golden moments of. friendship when you're like. you're like young and you're like we're. gonna we're gonna take over the world. and. we're gonna go to college and uh bang so. many [ __ ] or whatever and then you. find out that you're gay and you're not. going to college. and your parents have no money and. they're degenerates. and then and then it's all over with the. friend what are your friendships what do. we do with the friendships. and then the only friends you have are.

people that come up to you and go i. think you're so talented and then you. find out that they're living in a pool. of blood. so what you know. so that so you know i have a small group. we got a small group of friends i got a. small group of friends. ben this frat kid dan. who's smarter than most frat kids barry. weiss. ryan phil i i've never met barry i've.

never even met barry white supposedly. she's a fan of the show i don't even. know what that meant. i don't even know what that means she. looks like a. pastry you know what i mean. she says very incendiary things but. she's got a very doughy. face that you imagine like gives you. some type of. baked good. supposedly she want to have lunch with. me i love lunch whether i don't care. sure.

should i should i do a video as barry. wise. she's on the view now oh yeah barry. weiss is on the view. man the view just won't die huh the. views been around forever. yeah i can't play any clips but yeah. yeah she's on the view don't play any. clips look at our girl megan did megan. have the baby yet. i think so and barry weiss and megan.

mccain. these guys sawing their [ __ ] off. yeah she gave birth good for her. good for her i mean the [ __ ] blocked me. what did i do i had a little minute of. fun at your expense. and you got angry at me for no. reason i did nothing wrong.

she looks good yeah she does good for. her she looks. good. is that is that where he bought her. [Laughter]. [Music]. i'm kidding folks what is that a farm. i guess it's her ranch or something. godly hey god love them. i wish them the best i wish them the.

best. any news on the election before we get. out of here oh let's see. what if trump pulls it out i would laugh. let me tell you now. if trump pulls it out i would laugh so. hard look at these two goons. look at these two i mean could the. rotting corpse of america. have a better representation than these. two goofs. trump was a pretty good one but these. two are just as good.

joe biden and kamala biden harris. it just sounds like a [ __ ] scam. biden harris it's like. you know it's not gonna be much better. right. he's gonna make it a year a year and a. half then she's in. and she'll do the uh she'll do the eight. she'll do the. no one's gonna beat her in 2024 maybe. they will i don't know. i don't know how do you how do you. follow trump. you talk about an act to follow it's.

tough to follow trump right. really hard to follow him. but what we will see is we will see i. think a little political idealism. you know you ever see the candle thing. you know you're not catholic but the. little candle thing that snuffs out the. candle yes yes yes. that's what we're seeing here that there. it is that's the candle number. and the light of idealism is gonna go. away. a little bit because of uh you know. the corporate dems are back daddy.

daddy's back. mommy and daddy are back and you can. tweet and you can tap dance. and you can make a collage and you could. go on reddit. and you could go on every side. imaginable. the ones that no one even hosts you can. you can. go anywhere and you could do you could. you could any. hey any diatribe you like anything you. like. at the end of the day the corporate.

power is back. and you know. that's it there's gonna be a lot of. young kids a lot of maga hats. being taken off a lot of people are. gonna go. now and they're gonna they're gonna this. is how the zoomers become the boomers. boomers at one time had idealism they. were on acid. but they had idealism and then it gets. beaten out the system. beats it out of you you see.

and then you become a drone and you just. that's why i i say escape if you can. the system and do not live. where this is real you live in another. place where you're like oh my friends. are real. my family's real the things i'm doing. around oh this isn't real i don't. participate in this. that way you never get too high you. never get too low you're never like the. revolution's coming. and then you're also never like.

because neither one of them is happening. the revolution's not happening. right and and also like you know. whatever type of fascism that. comes to this country and it will come. it'll come with like a doughnut you'll. get a donut. you'll get to take it off the gun the. gun will come in your door you take the. donut off the gun. so. i don't want to be too negative here. folks and i and i hope i'm not. i i do believe that's why i have i.

i i pick good people to be in my life i. pick. positive people you know. and uh and i pick interesting people and. if you can do that if you pick. interesting people to be in your life. you pick positive people to be in your. life. um then you yourself will. not be bored at the very least right. we have a lot of cool stuff coming up. new. things we're going to debut on youtube. new sketches we just did a sketch.

did very well uh it was taken off. youtube briefly we had to fight to get. it back on. yeah hey man 20 20. yes a [ __ ]. um but we've got a lot of new stuff. coming up. um just keep the and this is i i didn't. want to. i'm not trying to assault this waitress. by the way. what i'm trying to say respectfully to. shut your mouth. because we all have as the great elaine. stritch said about her husband who used. to say this.

we all have a bag of rocks everybody's. got a bag of rocks you know. we don't need that at dinner you don't. need to come in. and tell me how bad things are. i know how bad things are we're sitting. in a parking lot. uh with traffic cones eating french. onion soup. i know how bad it is they're taking. this beautiful old french restaurant. historic and demolishing it. so that some [ __ ] [ __ ] can live in a. high rise in.

an echo park an area that should just be. firebombed i know how bad it is. i'm trying to escape that with salt fat. sugar and carbohydrates stay out of my. way. that's all stay out of my way emily. respect i know it's a tough job i know. it's a tough job. they're the heroes the servers they're. the heroes. and i'm hoping to god that we could pull. off this party and it could be a fun. event we could do some really memorable.

things i don't know if that'll happen or. not but i'm just saying this i'm saying. that i think now that people heard this. they're like well i'm not coming now. [ __ ] [ __ ]. do we do we offer candice someone's. money to fly in. yeah i think so maybe we just maybe we. just fly our first class. is can we do that we probably have to. offer a little bit of money. okay put her up in a hotel.

okay dude what if we do this and i'm not. even kidding. i'm not even kidding i think let me just. think about this for a minute. what if we throw this like hollywood. friendsgiving [ __ ]. and when people walk in it's a. candace owens like count the votes thing. where she's getting all these people. to like donate their money to for. recounts. across america and oh and and we just.

have. and i'm just doing it like a big. instagram story that's like look who's. here to support. the recount effort poor ryan phillip. he's like dude what the [ __ ]. i'm like right philippe look it's jeff. garland here to support the recount. with candace owens. i mean i think it would be fun. timdillycomedy.com go there if you want. there's nothing there who cares. [Laughter].

waste your time nobody's been to a. website since 1986. uh we have merch life in the big city. shirts. megan mccain hoodies we got new merch. coming out in december we have. we have a really cool yes or yes thing. that's coming out we've got some other. things too. we do appreciate everybody's support on. patreon we've done a lot of cool. episodes of jre. uh in the past couple of. weeks right it's like three three three. in a month yeah. crazy crazy i remember the first time i.

did that show and now i've done it like. seven times crazy yeah. the alex episode's massive and that. election thing was really good too. um so there's some of the merch get the. pullover. hoodie for 37.99 you could get the. unisex t for 24.99 it's fun it's like a. fun. it's fun merch get the daddy mug if you. like. yeah i love daddy hoodie we also have a. pink one right. yeah you can change the colors yeah.

unless they stopped offering pink i. wonder if maybe they stopped offering. pink. it does look better with the darker. color it does. but we have more stuff coming out in. december don't. fret don't worry about it we're gonna do. some interactive stuff too because we. want it we want to hear from the people. we want to figure out what to do with. the people. we've got live events coming up. rescheduled shows. hoping this [ __ ] covet thing.

just gets to you know. hoping that we have a nice peaceful. transition to power. what's the most gangster way for trump. to go out. killing himself in the oval office like. bud dwyer like calling a press. conference i'm wondering like what's the. biggest. what i mean he's a he's a master of. ratings what's the series finale. uh maybe he could disappear like just. get on a plane and just leave and then. just. just disappear just goes radio silent no.

one even knows where he is wow. because that's very unlike him yeah. wow i'm wondering like how does the the. gang how does he go out how does a guy. go out how does this guy go out. you know dude if he finds a way to win. i'm going to tell you right now if he. finds a way to if they recount these. votes and somehow he won. it will be the funniest. it will be the funniest thing.

oh we're recording this friday night by. the way friday yeah yeah. so it's changing with with every hour so. that's why ben's here to do the. technical yeah why. what if he just appointed himself to. like the supreme court or something. i'm trying to think what he could do. what could he really do.

i don't know i'm really trying to rack. my brain. like what could this guy do. him by dwiring himself i mean that would. be like the most. historic moment like ever if he did that. just envelope. gun out crazy right just i was. you know it was rigged i was framed or. whatever and. i'll be the craziest thing i don't see. him doing that but that would be the. craziest thing.

maybe he himself could become a. terrorist like maybe he flies like air. force one. into like the the world trade center or. something like that like the freedom. tower. you trying to get us banned from. everything with these suggestions. trying to get us banned off every. service i mean. what would it maybe maybe he could be. coming. to a flyer for his wanting to enter into. an orphanage. you keep that to yourself that's why we.

don't have you do all the talking. fly air force one into where did you say. the freedom tower. you want donald trump to fly air force. one into the freedom town yeah yeah. i got to be honest not the worst. not the worst idea can you imagine being. at lunch somewhere and going what's on. the news. why is everyone in the break room donald. trump just flew. air force one into the freedom tower. and survived what if he survived somehow.

i wonder if he's considering that like. he's sitting there with his people. and they're like he's like well we got. the recount and we're suing georgia. got the recount in pennsylvania he's. like what if he goes let me just throw. something else out there while we're all. talking. it's like while we're all spitballing. why don't i fly air force one into the. freedom tower. they're like well there's no precedent. for that.

but we don't know. perhaps there's something well folks. listen. we don't have a president you know we. barely have a country. yeah you know but we have merch. understand we have dreams and hopes. so do you.

i hope that waitress tonight this is. what i hope happens. i hope she goes home she realizes how. good she has it. how lucky she is to be in the fight. how absolutely lucky she is. and i hope she's jubilant and happy. i hope she goes downstairs because she. wants to get some air. you know and i hope she's shot in the.

head. so that nobody will ever have to listen. to that depressing horseshit while. they're trying to eat a meal again. good night.